Quote from: amandam on March 10, 2018, 11:04:08 AM
How I feel right now is - when I choose to be female, I want to be "completely" female. I want no hint of maleness. When I have to be a man, I don't care if femme features bleed over.

My therapist agreed with me that transition at 58 would be very hard, it would disrupt my upcoming retirement, the house with the picket fence, me and the missus playing grandparents to future grandchildren. All valid points. It is a lot to consider. So, to transition, I have to be real sure, as in 100% I "have to".

She's not getting "have to" from me. She brought up the idea of gender-fluid. But, it feels like she is looking at that as someone less than full-on transsexual. I don't think she's using it in the context of someone who ebbs and flows.

Should I have attempted transition in my 20's in the 1980s? Probably. In today's world in my 20's, almost certainly. But now? That ship may have sailed.

I think my main drive right now is to become as femme as possible without disrupting my current life and see if I get to a point of "acceptance", where my amount of femme is enough for me to finish out my days.

When I see one of your posts, I always ask myself, "Who's the babe she's using as an avatar?"

I think it would do you a world of good to let go and just be. It's clear from your posts that you are very into control. I suspect control is a bigger problem for you than gender. The good news is that this issue will probably be impossible for you to control, and you're going to have to learn to let go. You're going to hate that; it will be a crisis for you. But you'll be so glad, once you've passed it.

Have fun, sweetie. 

The avatar is Coccinelle, a French transsexual star. Google her. I guess the control part comes from trying to be very careful, and fear.

Quote from: amandam on March 10, 2018, 12:34:56 PM
The avatar is Coccinelle, a French transsexual star. Google her. I guess the control part comes from trying to be very careful, and fear.

Thanks for the reference.

I'm sorry if I seemed insensitive. I'm not. If I didn't care, I would have said nothing. It does me no good to publicly look like a jerk.

I understand where you're coming from -- truly, I do. The reality is, this is something you can't control. You can manage it, up to a point; but you can't control it. I want you to find peace, and happiness; but you won't find it b.s.ing yourself. You are not in control of this process; and you can't be. Better to embrace it, and go on.

I'll try to leave you alone, henceforth. It's painful to watch, though.

Amanda's, yes transitioning at a later age can be difficult but it's not impossible and can be a wonderful feeling. I am 62 and started two years ago in general and not even a year since I've been serious in my direction. It's tough at home but we are working thru it positively. Of the 50 or so people that know so far only one is being stupid about me and I don't care. It does affect my wife as it involves two of our grandkids. I've been deessing for only 40 days now but I also present full female When out and in no way do I feel bad about it. I feel so much emotionally as I've brought out Donna and the release and happiness is overwhelming. Your holding onto manhood will confuse you even more. I thought I could keep a foot in each world but it did not work. My friends are having a difficult time recognizing me when I'm out so the rest of the world didn't really give a damn and neither do I about them. Costco lady didn't want to take my card today because of the man picture until I showed her my licence as well. That's acceptance and you can't live on both sides of it unless you want to stay a cross dresser which isn't a bad thing to consider if you are having trouble making  the leap.
Lists are to ridgid, your therapist may explain this journey is little puzzle pieces, you set them in one at a time and follow it to the next piece. This will put the whole picture together in the order it wants and lists will block that progress. Mine has been all over the map with face hair gone only 2 weeks ago and a wig this week. Everything backwards from any designed route when you consider dressing and presenting fem came first. It's the way my pieces fell in place.
These are my experiences and opinions and are valid to me and maybe some food for thought down the road for others. Be honest and open with your SO and yourself first and foremost and best of luck moving forward.

I appreciate the words about not being able to control this. I mean, I know that. But nothing wrong with treading slowly. At other times in my life when the dysphoria came on hard, I stressed out and shut it down hard. Caused all kinds of emotional havoc. So this time I decided to let it develop slowly so I don't freak out. Don't worry about the pain part. It was painful before. It's not so much painful now as scary. Slowly, I feel better about myself. I'm not feeling pain.

There is one problem with my "logical" plan, my stress level. I am not sleeping well. I'll go through periods where I have to take an Ativan for days to sleep better. I also take Prozac daily (30 yrs). I am hoping as I move more femme that my sleeping improves. I am wondering if I should pursue low-dose HRT now, or just see what happens with "the plan".

I'm late to this thread, but speaking as someone born and raised male, I guess I did have some feminine impulses through my life which I suppressed, but it was almost subconscious, because I never had any conscious inkling that I was transgender.

So, since the awakening/eruption/crisis that was realising that I wanted to be, if not a woman, then certainly more like one of them than a man......I suppose it's been a case of "digging up" the womanly things that I suppressed. I never wanted to be a stereotypical gay (though I knew I preferred boys), so I didn't let myself act or speak in a certain way. Now I'm encouraging myself to act and speak in those ways. Moving in a fluid way, walking with my hips, complimenting people on their appearance, asking women where they bought their clothes, using a girly speech pattern, flapping my wrists, crossing my legs (yes, I'm a camp ->-bleeped-<-) - these are all simply habits that I've learnt, which on some level I always wanted to learn; and crucially, they are all completely optional for MTF people, a fact that is often forgotten. They make me happier. They feel like things I should always have done. That's all I know. It's a bit like when I went veggie - I knew I should've done it about ten years ago. Why did I spend ten years being boyish and eating meat? Lol.

Quote from: Jenny94 on March 11, 2018, 11:52:30 PM
I'm late to this thread, but speaking as someone born and raised male, I guess I did have some feminine impulses through my life which I suppressed, but it was almost subconscious, because I never had any conscious inkling that I was transgender.

So, since the awakening/eruption/crisis that was realising that I wanted to be, if not a woman, then certainly more like one of them than a man......I suppose it's been a case of "digging up" the womanly things that I suppressed. I never wanted to be a stereotypical gay (though I knew I preferred boys), so I didn't let myself act or speak in a certain way. Now I'm encouraging myself to act and speak in those ways. Moving in a fluid way, walking with my hips, complimenting people on their appearance, asking women where they bought their clothes, using a girly speech pattern, flapping my wrists, crossing my legs (yes, I'm a camp ->-bleeped-<-) - these are all simply habits that I've learnt, which on some level I always wanted to learn; and crucially, they are all completely optional for MTF people, a fact that is often forgotten. They make me happier. They feel like things I should always have done. That's all I know. It's a bit like when I went veggie - I knew I should've done it about ten years ago. Why did I spend ten years being boyish and eating meat? Lol.

There's a lot here I can relate to. I, also, had no clue.

My therapist assumed I would want to learn female mannerisms; but I felt that, given time, they would emerge naturally. And, slowly, they have. The more opportunity I have to socialize as a woman -- which isn't often, unfortunately -- the more they emerge. This isn't to say I haven't tried mimicry; but I'm not comfortable with it. It seems fake, for me, anyway. Why put on a different mask? The woman is there; I just need to take off the mask I grew up with.

Quote from: amandam on March 10, 2018, 11:04:08 AM
Should I have attempted transition in my 20's in the 1980s? Probably. In today's world in my 20's, almost certainly. But now? That ship may have sailed.

Quote from: amandam on March 11, 2018, 12:38:37 PM
I am wondering if I should pursue low-dose HRT now, or just see what happens with "the plan".

Hello again

I am 4 years older than you and Oh Yes if I were in my 20s or indeed 18+, I would transition like a shot.

I note you are at least considering HRT. Having followed your whole story, I think this would be beneficial to you as a confirmation factor at least and probably also to help mentally. The decision on everything of course is yours.

I truly wish you every success on your journey and truly hope the ship has NOT sailed.

Pamela

changed my avatar back to That Girl, my childhood hero.😀

I'm having serious doubts now. I'm not really decoupling the "turn on" from my trans feelings. Also, the jealously I feel is not jealousy of all women, it is still jealousy of the good-looking ones. My transgender feelings will come on strong for months, and then lessen for months. The last month I haven't really wanted to dress up. And when I did, I still had to have my release before going back. Like I told my therapist last time. I wonder if my transness is ultimately sexual.

Quote from: amandam on March 31, 2018, 11:33:54 PM
I'm having serious doubts now. I'm not really decoupling the "turn on" from my trans feelings. Also, the jealously I feel is not jealousy of all women, it is still jealousy of the good-looking ones. My transgender feelings will come on strong for months, and then lessen for months. The last month I haven't really wanted to dress up. And when I did, I still had to have my release before going back. Like I told my therapist last time. I wonder if my transness is ultimately sexual.

CD++?
Just looking for some "Old Reliable" sexual release?
Or, simply "Somewhere on the Spectrum?"

There is a myriad of "Possible" explanations that you can over analyze to death. Believe me, I am good at such things. Then there is the "It is what it is" approach which begs the question, "Now What?". What provides comfort? What provides relief? What gives Joy? And of course the downside questions such as What feeds Shame & Guilt?

Focusing on "Transness" implies focusing on that ones "Now What?" What is the end game? What "Must" you do to get there (By other's rules and advice)? The near total upset of your life, your existence, and for what? At what costs? The stuff sleepless, tear filled denial fueled nights (and sometimes days) are made of.

There is an old cruising, as in sailing, saying that applies for us. "It is not about the destination, but the journey". I've been trying to keep my bow into the headwinds of this hurricane for almost 10 years now. It's been one heck of a "Journey" with no destination in sight

Well said JoanneB
I thought the end was important until I started counseling. Now I know it's  being true to myself and enjoy the journey where ever it may lead is the right thing for me.

I never comment but come here often. 2.5 years ago my dysphoria was an 8-10 on a 10 point scale. I had started electrolysis. I had 9 months of counseling and my counselor at Kaiser agreed that HRT to transition was right for me. The big reveal to my wife. Unfortunately she made it plain that transitioning would mean the loss of the marriage. I am 62 now. That loss would mean the loss of my current life, my house and half my retirement. It also could mean going back to work. I made the choice to go to couples counseling. We came to an agreement that I would not transition. Since then the D is between 2-5. I'm taking an anti-depressant very, very low dose. My hair is long. My ears are pierced. I occasionally dress. Walking into places my wife and I still get that occasional ladies, hello greeting. But until the day that it is transition or die, I will go no further. I think it is possible to live this way.

I just thought you should hear a different prospective. Take care and best wishes.

All of you are right, I'm still looking at this as a black and white issue. I knew a post-op who used to get her kinks looking at women's clothing magazines pre-op. After surgery she said she only looks at the clothes. I mean, transition could be for me, or could not. But, I've been so focused on what-the-heck-am-I that I'm forgetting to live. I've got to find a way just to accept myself, TS, CD, in-between... I am in transition, yes, but maybe my transition is only to the point of androgyny. I need to slow down my mind. My "need to know" is what's causing me stress.

There are moments each day where I allow myself to act more femme. I let loose, relax, and my mannerisms fall more inline with females. This is non-sexual. No need to dress at these times. Same thing during the day, I wear panties every day and it's non-sexual. It just feels right. When I do these things, I feel much more relaxed and happy. So, it's not just dress up and get my jollies.

Now that I think about it, I think I get my release at the end because it lessens the dysphoria. Then when I change back, I feel "normal" - no drive to dress up. Ok, now I'm not sure my masturbation is even completely sexual.

I can relate to both you and Genevie.  I too had dysphoria (I'm sure I spelled that wrong) very badly and even started electrolysis.  Finally culminating in seeing the doctor and getting prescribed Spironolactone and Estradiol.  Been on it for 2 months now.  I too am married and have 2 grown daughters (and a new grandson).  I also considered the possibility my dysphoria was sexually driven.  I'm not sure where all this will end and I very likely will lose my marriage, my house, and half my retirement.  My wife isn't mad at me, but this isn't what she bargained for and I totally get that.  It truly isn't what I wanted either.  It's just the hand we were dealt. 

Anyway, shortly after starting HRT, my dysphoria almost totally dissipated.  My mind is clear and I don't feel like I'm in a frenzy anymore.  Calm.  I know I was a mess prior to starting, but I truly have a hard time remembering what it was like now.  I almost feel like I could stop the HRT and live a normal life, but I'm pretty sure the same feelings would come flooding back.  I don't want to feel like that ever again.  I just wanted to die before HRT and I didn't feel like life was worth it.  But I feel good today.

Right now I have no plans to socially transition.  I'm just enjoying the fact that right now I feel "normal", sane, and in control.  I don't feel the need to drink anymore and am pretty content.  Not sure about the future or where I'll be, but hopefully I can handle it.  Believe me, I have a lot of moments where I think "WTF" am I doing.  But HRT has let me actually start living again.

I guess I'm just stressing out. Today I'm back to wanting to be a girl again and don't feel turned on at all about any of it. It's like I'm in a pinball machine.

QuoteI never comment but come here often. 2.5 years ago my dysphoria was an 8-10 on a 10 point scale. I had started electrolysis. I had 9 months of counseling and my counselor at Kaiser agreed that HRT to transition was right for me. The big reveal to my wife. Unfortunately she made it plain that transitioning would mean the loss of the marriage. I am 62 now. That loss would mean the loss of my current life, my house and half my retirement. It also could mean going back to work. I made the choice to go to couples counseling. We came to an agreement that I would not transition. Since then the D is between 2-5. I'm taking an anti-depressant very, very low dose. My hair is long. My ears are pierced. I occasionally dress. Walking into places my wife and I still get that occasional ladies, hello greeting. But until the day that it is transition or die, I will go no further. I think it is possible to live this way.

I just thought you should hear a different prospective. Take care and best wishes.

genevie, does this mean that you are living without HRT? How long have you been managing dysphoria this way? I'm intrigued because I'm on a similar path.

Had therapy tonight. Last month, I wrote a detailed document. I included things from my childhood, CD fetish stuff, trans feelings, etc. I didn't hold back. I included a lot of my postings from here. She said she came up with some determinations and called in another gender therapist for consultation to see if they agreed. They agreed.

Though I am on the transgender spectrum, I am not a "transsexual", i.e., needing full transition. I could perhaps be non-op, or a full-time or part-time CDer. It seems my generalized anxiety disorder may have contributed by "blowing up" my gender issues into an "OMG, what if I'm TS" scare. I guess you can say I'm non-binary. I think this helps as I usually try to black & white my gender issues. I can't black & white non-binary. It just is.

The first therapists advice is still good - incorporate more femininity into my life. She also gave me more homework. She wants me to work on accepting the skinny, slightly effeminate kid I tried to kill.

I am starting to realize that this road is long. I am working on bringing my stress level down. I have to to see more clearly my gender issues. I have made progress though over the last year. I know I'm not "going to hell" because of this. I also know I'm not a "freak". I am not a vanilla guy, an average man. And that has to be okay, because it's who and what I am. Like my therapist said, there are many people like me.

My hair is getting longer and I'm not cutting it until it's a medium length and I can comb it back as a guy and play with it as a girl. I'm taking care of my nails. I'm using the Tria to remove unwanted hair. I'm letting myself feel femme when I need to feel femme. I've lost a couple of pounds but need to hit my target weight to remove the extra fat and muscle. I was much happier when younger and could fit well into women's clothing and have a femme shape. So, I have a ways to go.

I'm starting to agree with my therapists that maybe I won't transition. But before that question even comes up, I have to move more femme. Up to now, I'm barely out of the starting gate. But, at least I'm not stressing out about this as some super-duper horror story tearing my mind and soul apart.

So, that's how I feel. Self-acceptance is number one. If I crossdress and get my jollies, that's me. If I want HRT, that's me. If I want surgery, that's me. If I want to be a "->-bleeped-<-", that's me. If I want to be a David Bowie, that's me.

It's all about the self-acceptance at this point. That's healthy right?