Quote from: kylen kantari on September 12, 2017, 03:31:27 PM
Hi ladies! So, the other day I was at my support group and one of the ladies there mentioned that because they weren't raised and socialized as a female, they didn't know any of the do's and don'ts of being a girl that all female bodied people are taught from a young age. At this point they all turned to me (the only FTM in the group) and asked me what some of those do's and don'ts are. I got thinking that this was probably a common problem you gals run into, so I thought I'd make a list and post it here.
Disclaimer: These are my own personal experiences and observations and are obviously not going to be universal. A lot of these are things that I'm trying to unlearn myself.
• The first thing you should know is that girls are taught from a young age to be a little bit fearful. What I mean is that they are raised knowing that being raped, assaulted and/or murdered is a very real possibility. This isn't just being paranoid, statistics show that between ¼ to ½ of all women have been sexually assaulted at some point in their lifetime. This means that they behave very differently in certain situations than a man would because they are aware that there is constant threat. This doesn't mean live your life in fear, it just means you need to be aware of your surroundings and avoid certain situations.
o Don't walk down dark alleys alone at night. In fact, be extremely cautious of going anywhere alone at night. If you have too, be alert, pay attention to your surroundings. Don't be looking at your phone. If you're walking to your car, take your keys out of your purse before you enter the parking lot and walk with them in your hand.
o Body language is a big factor in keeping you safe. Don't try to make yourself look small, don't hunch your shoulder down and keep your head looking at the ground. Put your shoulders back, your chin up and be looking around. And don't be afraid to glare at anyone you think is suspicious looking. Anyone who is looking to assault someone is looking for a victim: someone who is weak, easy prey and won't fight back. So, if you look like you know what they are up to and will fight back if they try anything, they will most likely leave you alone.
o If you are at a club, bar or any type of similar setting, never leave your drink unattended. In fact, never let it out of your sight. Putting it down and looking away is exactly how you get roofied. And yes, people try that all the time. Pick it up, and don't put it down until you're done, or if you're sitting at a table, put it directly in your line of sight so you can see if anyone tries anything.
o And on another note, at such places, always try to go to the restroom in groups of at least two. There's a reason women do this, it's because there is safety in numbers and restrooms at such places are great places to be assaulted. Think about it, you wander away from your group of friends alone, to the back of the club where there are fewer people, to a room with a door that locks. Perfect ambush opportunity.
o Be cautious of men you don't know approaching you when you are alone. Your car breaking down on the side of the road is always a bad situation to find yourself in. Don't assume that everyone who stops and offers to help is doing so with good intentions.
o Don't pick up hitchhikers. I feel like that should be self-explanatory.
• <slut shaming portion removed> Admin
Are you scared yet? You've probably never had to think of any of these things before, but these are things women are always aware of. You don't have to live in fear, but a healthy dose of caution goes a long way to keeping you safe.
And now that I've made you completely paranoid, let's move on to lighter things. Some of these things many of you probably already know, but I'm trying to be thorough.
• Skirts and dresses. There are few things to know about wearing skirts and dresses.
o When you sit down wearing a skirt or dress, you never just sit down. This causes the skirt to gather underneath you uncomfortably and causes your skirt to wrinkle. What you do is this: you reach behind you with both hands, palms open flat, and gently pull the loose material of the back of the skirt forward until its resting against the back of your thighs. You do this as you are in the process of sitting down. It should be one fluid motion. Sweep your arms back, palms open, move the material while sitting down, and then bring your hand into your lap.
o Always keep your knees together when sitting while wearing a skirt or dress. No one wants to see your underwear.
o When you bend down to pick something up off the floor while wearing a skirt, you never bend over at the waist. You bend down with your knees to pick something up. Again, no one wants to see your underwear.
o Bonus: how to walk in heels. The trick to walking in heels, is that you are not walking with your entire foot. You are only walking on the ball of your foot, or if you have really high heels, your tippy toes. If you're standing still, you can put your weight on your heel, but when walking only put weight on the balls of your feet. And when walking down stairs, hold onto the hand rail.
• Women cross their legs when they are sitting down. It is something most of them do unconsciously. They sit down and immediately cross their legs. Either one thigh over the other, or at the ankles.
• When women stand, they tend to put all their weight on only one leg at a time. If you've notices how most of the time women have their hips canted when they are standing, it is because of this. Put all your weight on one leg and kind of relax the knee of the other leg so it is slightly bent.
• Women carry things differently than men do. Women's bodies are different than men's bodies, which yes you already knew, but probably not in this way. Men are built to work, so they are stronger in their shoulders and upper bodies, and have a center of mass that is higher up on the body than women. Women are built to carry babies. This means that their center of mass, and the strongest, most balanced part of their body is the hips. So, when women carry things, especially heavy things, they carry them on their hips not their shoulders. For example, when carrying a laundry basket, women will often hold it in one hand and rest the other end against their hip, either in front of them or to the side. Or if they're carrying a bag of something heavy, they carry it in both arms, low in front of their bodies, and rest the weight on their hip bones.
• When women make eye contact with someone, they smile. Even if you don't know the person, still give at least a small smile. Okay this is kind of a generalization, but it seems to be a thing most women do and what is expected of them.
• Women listen to every single word that comes out of someone's mouth and always have some kind of reply or comment afterwards. According to my mother, men do this thing where they tune someone out if they don't think they're saying anything important (which I agree with because I do this all the time). But women always listen to everything that someone is saying, no matter what the topic. So, no matter how many times a day your mother has to tell you about the exploits of all the birds at the bird feeder, you have to listen to every word and each time have an appropriately enthusiastic response.
• Women look someone in the eye or in the face when they are talking. Yes, this is a normal social thing for everyone, but women tend to do it more so than men do. In other words, women are less likely to look away during the conversation than men are. Women also tend to lean forward toward the other person when speaking to or listening to each other.
• Women compliment each other, a lot. They even do it to women they don't know, but it is especially common among women that they do know. For example, "that's a nice shirt" "I love your hair" "where did you get those shoes."
• It's a lot more acceptable for a woman to show her emotions than it is for a man.
• Women carry things in purses, and never in their pockets. Except for maybe Chapstick or their phone.
Wow, that was the longest post I've ever made in my life. I'll probably have more things to add as I think of them. Or if anyone else wants to add feel free.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask, I don't mind talking about it. Just be warned, I'm FTM and I kind of made a lousy girl.
I had an idea, I figured I would use kylen kantari's post in the thread he made for us girls, and try to mirror it point by point. So, without further ado...
1. Fear. I understand that there is fear that is taught to women as part of the growing up process, but for men it's basically the opposite... you never show or admit to having fear. A man would rather be assaulted than show fear. This is not to say that you shouldn't watch your surroundings, but a man would simply be ready to defend himself at any time.
2. This second point is basically reiterating the first, again be aware of your surroundings, but be ready to defend yourself at any time or place. Also, a man would not think twice about a dark alley if it's a shorter route to the destination.
3. This point is actually quite similar, but more aggressive. A man would wish to appear to WANT a confrontation to prove he is stronger than the predator.
4. This point is not a very large concern for a man, a man would generally welcome being roofied, or at least say he would lol.
5. Referring again to points 1 and 2, a man would simply rather confront/fight an attacker.
6. Again, this is best handled by being ready to defend yourself.
7. Clothes tips... a man generally doesn't care how their clothes appear unless they're expensive, clothes are utilitarian and little more.
8. Walking as a man is rather simple: speed. lol The primary concern is to get to the destination as quickly as possible.
9. Carrying things... as I understand the transition process for the guys, you will be gaining muscle mass in the upper chest and arms, so heavy loads go up top. Carry on the shoulder for balance. Get a friend if it's over 100 pounds or excessively bulky/awkward, otherwise you should be able to handle it yourself, in fact, offers to help should be rejected, as they are an implied taunt that you CAN'T handle it yourself.
10. Eye contact. Males generally don't smile when making eye contact, if you want to be polite when making eye contact with another male, nod, don't smile. Nodding shows respect, smiling is just odd.
11. Listening... This is actually not quite true, men do listen to other men, they just tend to not acknowledge that they're listening unless they have a response to something that is said, that being said, sometimes they do tune others out. Generally this is overlooked unless what's being said is important, in which case the lack of listening should be mildly ridiculed.
12. Men will generally look away during someone else's comments to indicate that they are either trying to "multitask" or that they genuinely aren't interested, but without trying to insult the speaker.
13. Hmm, this one is a bit interesting. Men will compliment each other, but usually when dressed up, which is more uncommon, and usually associated with dating. Interestingly enough, both genders seem to enjoy complimenting shoe choices, but men usually don't have as many pairs.
14. There are 2 acceptable emotions for a man to show: anger and amusement.
15. Pockets, pockets and more pockets, if you have too many things to fit in your pockets, either get more pockets or carry a backpack.
I think that's the major points that he raised in his post for us, feel free to leave questions, and I'll do my best to answer them.
Hugs,
Sarah
