March 24, 2022
End of Year Summary
Yes, it's nearly April, but for me, today's stories tell the tale of my first year as Laura as well as how my first year playing Interleague tennis has affected my personal growth. The two are closely intertwined.
This is another LONG post. This could be because i believe by waiting, i can share stories that are interconnected, OR it could be because i'm a fairly skilled procrastinator. If i were you, i'd bet on the latter rather than the former. Don't discount the former though.
The Two Sides of Transitioning
Transitioning consists of two separate paths: physical and social/emotional. The first, while being time consuming, is fairly predictable. We begin HRT and wait for our bodies to change; adding boobs, softening our skin, slowing down body hair growth, and affecting our emotions in a positive, feminine way. This part of transitioning also includes the various surgeries we seek to transform our physical appearance: FFS, BA, and for some, GCS. Each has its own hoops to jump through and timelines for surgeries and recovery. Having completed the first two, GCS is still at least 18 months away, if not a bit more. Finally, there's electrolysis, a 300 hour pain-a-thon which, for me, is taken two hours a week for roughly three years. I've roughly two years left before my face and neck are free of this burden placed upon me by puberty, but as with HRT, patience is an important component. Slow and steady wins the race.
The social/emotional parts of our transition, like puberty, also take many years to progress through. My electrologist shared a story of a transwoman who rushed through all her physical development during her first year of being full-time: electrolysis, surgeries, and HRT. At the end of that year, she was beautiful and passed easily, and yet she was unhappy. What she'd not anticipated is that, like teenage girls at the beginning of their puberty, it takes years to become a woman as they progress through their new bodies, emotions, and female relationships. That four or five year journey helps to mould them into the the first phase of their life as an adult woman. My electrolygists' client hadn't made that connection. I have and the stories below share how this past year have shaped my growth.
Time and trial by fire have provided me the perspective i'll need as i continue to progress through my second puberty. I still have much to learn, but i now feel i have the foundation to continue my growth.
Electrolysis
When i began electrolysis 14 months ago, i had thought we'd be done in two years. By last summer, it became obvious that patients average around 300 hours, or three years before they're finished. Currently, i've completed 106 hours under the needle, so another 200 hours, or two years seems to be the plan.
Clocked by an Old Neighbor
The city i live in, populated by more than 200K residents, is spread out over a wide area. Running through the western portion of town is a major highway running north and south. Being raised in the SF Bay Area, i've always lived close to this highway for easy escapes to journeys north, south, or west to the bay or the coast. 45 years ago, my first wife and I built a custom home in an upscale neighborhood close to where i currently live. Many of the homes were occupied by executives who would regularly move, transferred by their companies to new locations. Many others were lived in by doctors, lawyers and other professionals who had chosen to settle down here to raise their families. My current home, in a neighborhood i love, is only three blocks away, and yet i've not come across any of these neighbors, nor my ex-wife in the 23 years since our divorce. My ex still lives in the house we built.
During our final Interleague match Wednesday, the court next to us included a substitute player i didn't recognize. However, before we began playing our match, she approached and reminded me that she knew me from <deadname's> neighborhood. She shared briefly about some of the neighbors who are still there, but at that moment i had no memory of her. Only afterwards did i make the connection of her and the house she and her family lived in, just a few steps away from my ex's house. She was kind and displayed no disappointment in seeing Laura's presentation. Certainly, my FFS, hormones, boobs and female presentation did not deter her from recognizing me, despite that it's been 23 years, and another gender, since she's seen me. I guess i shouldn't be surprised. I know i don't pass. i'm clocked constantly and while it still stings a bit every time it happens, being stared at has just become part of the many things i do my best to ignore. You must be brave if you choose to transition, particularly if you don't pass.
Letting Go
I'll share about my team in the next section, but now that it's been a year since Yeng fell into my life and allowed me to participate in our club's Woman's Tennis Interleague, it's easy to look back to see how events have shaped me. If you've read my posts, you'll know that two different bullies have somehow become obsessed with harassing me in various ways. Each of these episodes were fairly traumatic, as i fell, time after time, into the rabbit hole. Things came to a dramatic conclusion in the weeks after Yeng turned her back on me. Feeling nearly as depressed as i was after my second marriage imploded, it took time to process both my emotions and what i should learn from her behavior and my loss. Only then, having survived trial by fire, did i gain perspective and feel strong enough to stop caring about what others think. That my attitude matters more than their actions. That by staying strong and positive, i'm a better tennis player and person. By doing this, I show these Mean Girls that i don't care what they say or do. They can convince others i'm a terrible person, but they can't convince me that i am. This insight allowed me to let go, to not care whether Yeng will return to my life or if others will approve of me. My job is to continue to be the kind, friendly person that I've always been. Others can choose to enter my life or not. it's their choice.
After i came to this realization, i became a calmer, more positive player on the court, not worrying if some hated me, and not feeling upset if i began playing badly. We all have moments when we make mistakes, so forgiving myself, staying positive, and continuing to try to do my best became the new Laura.
Onward,
Laura
