One New Life to Live

LauraE · January 23, 2024, 03:47:13 PM

April 13, 2022

Message to My Team Captain
Until a few days ago, i had looked forward to seeing Team Fire one last time. You know how much i loved being around all of you the past year and how much i had hoped to repeat the experience. I realize that it was just a pipe dream though.

Between Yeng's final act of cruelty last week and 14 rejections from potential interclub partners (which is a record i'm not proud of), nothing says outcast more than people who are afraid of being associated with me. I don't see myself ever being allowed back into the room. Yes, i know i can sub next year, but discounting the Line three and five subs last season, our team utilized few substitutes. And still, there's no guarantee that those who so easily rejected me would ask me to sub for them.

My options for the next year are fairly limited. I can play in Sid's Monday group and my own Saturday group, but besides an occasional singles match, I don't see any opportunities to build potential for next year's try-outs. It was wonderful while it lasted though. I'll always be thankful i was able to contribute and to be around such a wonderful group of women. I wish all of you the best.

Laura

LauraE · January 23, 2024, 03:49:09 PM

April 21, 2022

I've always used this forum as a safe space to share the drama i've experienced and how i'm processing it. The past year certainly has been full of drama, which is something i'd prefer to avoid. Looking forward, i'm hoping just to share boring updates, like "Today, i did the laundry, mowed the lawn, and played with my two, adorable furbabies." LOL. We'll see how that goes. I normally hold updates here until i have something substantial to share, but today, i'm sharing several minor updates to issues that are continuing.

Looking Forward

Yeng
Two weeks ago, Yeng unfriended and blocked me on FaceBook, something that hurt me, but later i discovered that her entire family had blocked me as well. Now, I had really liked/loved her husband and 10 year-old daughter, so this final knife in the back hurt a little more. When Yeng invited me to her birthday party last May, I met her three best friends: one who lived in LA, one (Atchie) who lives near Yeng, and Calai who lives near me. All of them, including Calai's best friend Gayle (who wasn't invited to Yeng's parties) have been to my house for dinner. This week, i noticed that Atchie had unfriended me on FB. That she rarely posts means that this act was prompted by Yeng. Now, while Calai and Gayle haven't unfriended me yet, they are beginning to make excuses for not playing in my Saturday doubles group. I've no doubt that they're also under pressure to distance themselves from me. I do enjoy being around both, but Calai has been friends with Yeng for many years but because she's such a nice person, she may feel conflicted. i've not pressed them about my thoughts, but am giving them time. The coming weeks will show whether they both want to stay in contact with me. I hope they do, but i suspect that Yeng will prevail.

Plane
I also shared about how the four other partners of my plane had voted to sell the plane rather than individually sell their shares, as members had done in the past. Our LLC partnership has been around for more than 50 years, so we've seen lots of partners come and go, but the LLC has always stayed intact. My first thoughts were to investigate my options which i outlined in my previous post. One option was a flying club at a nearby airport, about 35 minutes east from my house. Given that they had two Cessna 172s (four seaters) and one Cessna 152 (two seater) was a hopeful sign that i could continue flying. After inquiring though, i found that the club had disbanded last August. That left renting from an airport about 35 minutes to the west of me, which is where i got back into flying eight years ago; not a great option, but an option.

Then, I found myself considering buying out all four partners. Now, airplane ownership is fairly expensive; just hanger and insurance costs can be excessive, let alone the required annual inspection. The more i thought about this, the more i liked the option to buy out my partners and then go it alone to sell the four other shares. it might take time to sell all four, but i could handle the expenses in the meantime.

When i mentioned my thoughts to the longest serving partners, one offered to sell me his share for what he paid for it in 1989, $1000. The other partner, who was the only other pilot to fly the plane regularly, has stopped temporarily to deal with the FAA's requirements about pacemakers. Once me knew my intentions, he called me and we talked about buying the three other shares and then trying to sell them. That provides more than a ray of hope that our little plane and LLC will continue into the future. Stay tuned.

Book Club
With Danielle's encouragement, I decided I needed to expand the groups i'm part of, so at the end of February, i joined the Modesto Women's Book Club, which meets at a restaurant the last Saturday of each month to discuss that month's book. Of the club's membership, most are in the 30-40 age group, but one of the members is also a member of the local LGBT group so that might be interesting. This month's selection was "The Vanishing Bride." I downloaded it to my Kindle and began reading about a week ago. Within the first 20 pages, I found myself thinking, "What have I gotten myself into? This is a story about the Bronte sisters. I know nothing about them and have never read their books, so i'm going to miss all the references about their lives and books." By the time i got to page 50, I realized how wrong i was. This was simply a fan-fiction detective story, and a fun one at that. I quickly finished the book and am looking forward to meeting these ladies next Saturday. Now, their 11:15am starting time means i'll still be in my tennis clothes, since my doubles group normally ends around 11am, but at least i'm going.

Tennis
As you've read, I had asked 14 women to partner with me for next season's interclub team. That i asked 14 really pushes the definition of insanity, but i knew and know that the only way i can continue to break down barriers is to be present, to be at the club and on a team. Now, I also contacted two other clubs in the area, but was told they didn't have room for me. Yes, the barriers are there. That leaves me playing twice a week and trying to pick up a singles match when possible. During the season, i'll have to trust that some people will ask me to sub for them. Given that most of last year's subs are on the new team, I may be one of a few available. We'll see how that goes.. In the meantime, a few members of my team have invited me to play with them during the mornings. Now, i'm mostly a sub when one of them isn't available, but i've three matches lined up with them the next three weeks, so at least i can be visible during the day at the club. For me, visibility means familiarity.

One of the subs who is part of this foursome, Paula, is one of the 14 who didn't want to partner, but who found a partner at the last minute. Yes, that stung a bit. I do like her, though. We're similar in age, our senses of humor are alike, and the one time we played together, we had a ball. I do really like being around her. Paula will be part of the foursomes i'm subbing for. We chatted a bit yesterday and she admitted that she, too, had reservations about me a year ago. As she got to know me, she began to understand my path and enjoy being around me. This is precisely why i want to be present; I'll never bring everyone over, but the more i'm present, the more people I have the opportunity to influence.

Flying
Most of the time, i fly alone because it's never boring when i'm in the sky, experiencing the magic that is aviation. I've always told my friends and neighbors that i'd love to take them up, whether it's a scenic trip around the Bay Area (something we call a Bay Tour) or a flight to Half Moon Bay for lunch. Last week, my neighbor's eight-year old son took up my offer, so i shared a lovely two-hour flight into and around the Bay Area with him. Here are a few pictures.

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Onward,

Laura

LauraE · January 23, 2024, 05:44:04 PM

April 29, 2022

Just a few updates
Of the five owners of our airplane, one other has opted to join with me to purchase the other three shares and then resell them to new partners. this make take some time, so we'll be responsible for all the expenses until others join us. Lykele (my co-partner) and I are meeting today to finalize our plans so that we can complete the share purchases and transfer all the accounts. Now, one of the selling partners is currently the club president who does all the books. Given that i'll mostly likely become the new president, I first investigated QuickBooks, which is the software he's using but as it turns out is fairly expensive at $350/year. His wife is a CPA so he's had access to QuickBooks, so i started my research about the best candidate for my bookwork. I'm currently testing Zoho Books, which is free to companies (we're an LLC) with less than $50K income. I've spent some time creating vendors and sample invoices and while i'm a bit anxious, i think i can pull this off.

Saturday Doubles
With spring upon us, my Saturday doubles' group has become busier, despite that around five of Yeng's friends no longer play in my group, now that she's closed the door.Despite this, we regularly fill out our 12 positions and this week we expanded to 16. It's a lot to manage, given that some people cancel at the last minute, but at least i'm able to organize a weekly group of people who accept me.
Electrolysis

I continue my weekly two-hour torture sessions. My technician owns the business but because of demand, she's rented a larger space in the same building, hired two more technicians, and expects to open her new office shortly. Once that happens, i expect to begin bottom work.

Onward,

Laura

LauraE · January 23, 2024, 05:46:24 PM

May 1, 2022

Somewhat Busy Weekend

Saturday
Normally, my Saturdays (ok, well nearly every day) is quiet once tennis is finished, but this Saturday was filled with adventure.

Tennis
I've been running a Saturday doubles group for about a year now. It's a bit of work each week to organize, but my main motivation is that this is one day i'm guaranteed to play with people who don't hate me. I send out invitations on Wednesday and most weekends we end up with 12 players. After Yeng left, about six of her friends left as well, which felt like a bit of betrayal and i worried about how more difficult it would be to assemble the group. Surprisingly, several more people asked to join, and by some miracle, this week 16 people came to play. Basically, i only invite people who are nice to me, people who aren't jerks. I love Saturday mornings and being around all these wonderful people. Of course, the downside is that all this work and friendliness hasn't resulted in people ask me to play with them during the week. Oh, i've asked people to play doubles during the week, but have never been successful. At least a few of my team members ask me to sub in their groups when they need someone, but that still leaves me feeling like an outsider, an outcast at my tennis club. BTW, my Saturday group plays at one of the high schools in town.

Book Club
A few months ago, as suggested by Danielle, i joined a local women's book club and Saturday was the first meeing i've been able to attend. The always meet the last Saturday of the month at 11:15 at a local restaurant. Even before attending, i knew this would feel a bit like the lunches my interclub team would attend after each match. Now, my tennis group plays from 8am-11am each week (we play four sets), so i arrived at the restaurant in my tennis clothes. 12 members attended this day and about half were their when i arrived. Perhaps 1/3 of the time was spent discussing the book and the remainder was a bit of socializing. Now, <deadname> always had difficulty in these situations, but Laura focused on the women nearest to me, about six, to slowly get to know them. So far, none of the women are tennis players, although many golf. One is a teacher (like i was) and one has a Beach Bonanza (a really cool plane). it's going to take a number of meetings to get to know all the women, but at least i started. Note that i'm pretty sure everyone clocked me, but no one said anything. they were all nice to me. Of course, that's how things started at the tennis club when Laura when FT, so we'll see what happens over the next few months. At least i'm stretching my horizons and meeting new people.

Tesla
As i left the book club luncheon, i drove straight to my one of my tennis friend's houses to pick her up and drive her to Stockton to pick up her new Tesla. In the past six months, four of my tennis friends have purchased Teslas. i've given test drives and provided advice before and during their ordering. Both before and after the drive, i began to show her the car's software interface and how to perform different tasks.

Sunday
My one best friend is Person One who has been quite loyal to me these past three years. Her name is Nora and i'll forever be grateful to her. Nora plays tennis and she's flown with me several times. i've promised to fly her to lunch at Half Moon Bay, so i'm looking for days when the weather is perfect for us. She's the one friend who loves flying and is not afraid of little planes or of me as a pilot. that's great because i love sharing the magic. Nora's not been playing enough tennis lately, so we've carved out Sunday mornings to play singles with each other. i enjoy singles, but i like spending time with her even more.

Laura

LauraE · January 23, 2024, 05:47:57 PM

May 16, 2022
I have a variety of updates before we get to today's stories.

I wrote previously that Person One, my best friend of three years who was the person i first came out to, is named Nora. She and i continue to talk often for hours at a time. She's been flying with me before with our first trip being a Bay Tour, but for her 40th birthday in 2020, I'd promised to fly her to Half Moon Bay for lunch. This was also the first time Laura made a public appearance. While at the airport preparing the play to fly, I found the fog along the coast had still not cleared. Instead, we drove to a nearby city to shop and have lunch. Still a wonderful day. since then, we've had many close calls, days when we were both available and the weather was acceptable, but we've not been able to make the flight. this Wednesday, though, looks like it might be a good day, so i'm crossing my fingers.

Regina
Dai and Regina were partners during inter-club last year, playing Line 2 while Yeng and I played Line 5. The majority of our team wins came by the way of victories by Lines 1, 2, and 5. While Dai was an early supporter, lending me advice and acceptance from the beginning, Regina never smiled when around me so i suspected, for some time, that she disapproved of me. Of course, i was cautious about most of the team for the first six months as we played together, rooted for each other, and shared lunches. Over time, as I was able to share bits about transitioning and our community, many team members came around. Late in the season, I began to see Regina smiling around me, so I though perhaps there was hope.
Once the season concluded, Dai joined the country club in town and planned to play inter-club with them. I'd been under the impression that Regina would be joining her, only discovering a few weeks ago that she decided not to.

Now, what's fascinating to me is that three of the times i've been asked to sub the past two weeks, Regina was my partner. We'd never played together before, so what happened was a complete surprise to me. We had a ball playing together and i began to uncover her quite sense of humor. she played well at the baseline while i took the net position, each of us working as a team as we won our social matches. I loved her style of play and she complimented me on my put-away shots. I wish i'd know she was staying at our club because she'd make a wonderful partner.

Weight, Weight: Don't Tell Me
It's been months since the last time i fell down the rabbit hole. I was right when i wrote previously that last year both my dreams and my nightmares came true. Unfortunately, with my fairly thin skin, I fell into depression each time i felt the bullies attack. Yeng's cruelty to me, after she unfriended me, led to my final time down the hole. Coming out of it though, i felt myself toughen up, not caring about what a few bullies can do because my friends and supporters outnumber them.

However, the damage had already been done. Each of the times i fell down the rabbit hole, i'd park myself on the couch, watch Korean RomComs on Netflix, and pig out on comfort foods. Over time, I gain 17 pounds. Finally, a few weeks ago, i decided i needed to become proactive and begin dieting. Gone are my comfort foods and alcohol and in is a need to begin the long journey to get back into shape. i'm off to a good start and as long as i stay vigilant, i know i'll eventually reach my goal so i look and feel better in my clothes.

Progress: one step at a time.

Onward.

Laura

LauraE · January 23, 2024, 05:50:37 PM

May 23, 2022

Plane
Last week, i took our potential partner up for a flight so he could have an idea about how a Cessna150 handles as compared to the Cessna 172s he's been flying. They're similar airplanes, although our plane is slower and lighter. the flight went well and he's meeting with our outgoing partner, who's also a CFI (flight instructor) to hand over his payment and get a check-ride. The other departing partner has found a buyer, but i've not received information about this person or if the sale is in progress. Once both shares are sold, we'll hold a general meeting so we can all meet each other and discuss raising the monthly dues since insurance and annual maintenance fees are rising.

Book Club
I enjoyed my first book club experience and was glad it was a women-only group. I know it will take time to get to know the other women but i'm looking forward to the experience. I finished this month's selection, "Kings of the Wyld" yesterday and boy was it a hoot. Taking place in a fictional magical world about 1000 years ago, a group of aged warriors, once a band that fought various creatures, gets back together to save one of the member's daughters. The first 100 pages was a cross between Monty Python and The Gang that Couldn't Shoot Straight. Before long, they find their stride, although humor and topical references abound. One of the referenced characters is "Neil the Young", so you can see that humor is never far off. i'm looking forward to this month's meeting, which is the last Saturday of the month.

Hawaii
Now that COVID restrictions have improved, and although i still mask, i'm doing my best to pull the trigger to vacation in Hawaii. I've shopped around and am doing my best to push the button to secure the trip.

<coda: This really was the beginning of my blooming.>

Laura

LauraE · January 24, 2024, 08:36:43 AM

January 24, 2024

We've reached the part of my story/journey where everything began to change. My first 18 months of full-time were very much like being in junior high school, where mean girls pick on those who are different. That's too simplistic though. Yes, there was meanness, but there were also valid complaints about parts of my personality that weren't female and that needed to change.

Out of that pain and hard work evolved a different Laura, one who was kinder and happier.

And Nora was right. Once I found my own happiness, people would become more comfortable around me and I'd attract new friends.

And now back to our story.

Laura

LauraE · January 24, 2024, 08:39:00 AM

May 28, 2022

One Step at a Time

Getting Out of Dodge
About 10 days ago, i finally made the leap to get out of Dodge for a week. I've traveled a bit in my life: regular trips to Hawaii during the 80s and 90s, annual trips to China (Nanjing) in the aughts (2000s), and several trips to the Philippines. Since beginning HRT, i've not escaped anywhere, partially because of COVID and partially because Laura didn't feel confident enough to travel alone. I've written previously how i have difficulty attending some events alone because for me part of the joy of the event is experiencing it with someone. Nora (Person One) was right though. I have to begin feeling comfortable doing the things i love alone. that life is too short. that now that i've feeling more confident, i should go out and enjoy myself.

So, i've scheduled a trip to Kona, Hawaii beginning June 15th. I was careful to plan around my electrolysis and to make sure i'm back for next month's Women's Book Club meeting, which i'm enjoying attending. I've visited every island in the past, but have never stayed in Kona which is actually not my favorite place in the islands. For me, it's too touristy. Still, i'll be on the Big Island where i can still take a day trip to my favorite city, Hilo, where my father was born in 1925. I'll be writing more during my trip. I'll do some shopping, some reading, and some adventuring. However, the main purpose is just to relax and to not be stuck to the couch. i'll miss my cats though who will be attended by a teenager next door.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
When COVID began, nearly 2.5 years ago, I used it as an excuse to begin growing out my hair. I'd been wearing a full wig at the point and would continue doing so for another year. However, playing tennis with a full wig was very inconvenient as it often shifted on me during play. quite embarrassing. At first, i'd intended on getting it styled last summer, but as my hair grew, i became more curious about what length would look best on me, so i continued to let it grow. In the past month or so, i've reached the point where, because my hair is fairly fine, longer hair just doesn't look good on me.

Around the same time, as i told Nora about my Hawaiian trip, she told me it was time to visit a stylist. Nora really is a great friend who cares about how i'm progressing through my transition. Unsure about how the stylists my my town would react to a trans woman, she cautioned me to try to find someone who was trans-friendly. After doing some research, i found a salon about an hour from here. Making the trip yesterday, i felt quite comfortable with this salon. After sharing some history about my hair and showing my stylist a selfie i took a year ago, which had a length i felt looked good, she spent some time playing with my hair to see how my hair falls and what might work on me. the result was a length longer that i'd anticipated, but a look i'm comfortable with. As she said, it's better to start a little longer and see how it looks because we can always go bolder next time. My new avatar is me right after the appointment. Not the best picture i could take, but more will come

Women's Book Club
My second meeting with the book club was today, right after my Saturday tennis group. Again, i had a wonderful time with these women who are so interesting, intelligent, and well read. This month's selection was The Kings of the Wyld, which was a hoot to read. Quite funny and entertaining. Next month's selection is Lessons in Chemistry.
Nora and i continue to play singles each Sunday morning.I'm so thankful to have her as a friend.

I'll leave you with this wonderful quote from Elliott Page.

"I can't overstate the biggest joy, which is really seeing yourself. I know I look different to others, but to me I'm just starting to look like myself. It's indescribable, because I'm just like, there I am. And thank God. Here I am. The greatest joy is just being able to feel present, literally, just to be present, to go out in a group of new people and be able to engage in a way where I didn't feel this constant sensation to flee from my body, this never-ending sensation of anxiety and nervousness and wanting out. When I say I couldn't have ever imagined feeling that way, I mean that with every sense of me."

And that's how we all feel.

Onward,

Laura

LauraE · January 24, 2024, 08:40:07 AM

June 2, 2022

Google Outed Me
When you transition, part of the work is to legally change your name and to erase your <deadname> from all your accounts. Of course, people you're familiar with will remember who you used to be, but most readily accept your new name and gender. Even if we don't pass, people new to our lives will never know who we used to be and that's a good thing. To be reminded of our <Dead Name> is to be outed and disrespected. It's also extremely dysphoric and tends to stop us in our tracks. It's happened once before, but intentionally by a hater at the club. Today's story is how Google outed me.

You all know i'm a pilot and that i'm one of five owners in our plane's partnership which we call Modesto Vapor Trails. Recently, two new owners have joined us, buying their shares from departing members. One of the new owners is X who, by chance, is someone <dead name> knew and sometimes worked with when i was at the County Office of Education. A few weeks ago, as he was thinking about buying in, I took him on a flight around Modesto so he could get used to the plane. I recognized him immediately, although he didn't seem aware (or was too polite to say) that we knew each other.

Today, we held a partnership meeting at our hanger so we could introduce ourselves and take care of some business. As we were talking, X looked at me and said, "Do you know <deadname>? I Googled you and you both live at the same address." I can't describe the panic i felt knowing i was outed and that the whole group heard my <deadname>. I tried to compose myself and then said, "That's who i used to be. We won't use that name anymore." Now X knows both that i'm trans as well as my <deadname>. The meeting continued as if nothing had changed and we all left on friendly terms.

Still, anyone who is curious can easily Google Laura and find that <deadname> lives at the same address. Just one of the hazards of staying put rather than moving to a new city. There are may things that cause us to be dysphoric, and <deadnaming> is near the top of the list.

Onward,

Laura

LauraE · January 24, 2024, 08:41:15 AM

June 15, 2022

On the Road Again (Finally)
There are few places i feel more comfortable than being in the pilot's seat or roaming around an airport. Grounded by COVID and my transition, i've not traveled commercially in several years. I miss the anticipation of a flight because, for me, the journey is as rewarding as the destination. <Deadname's> passport was well used, yet Laura's is still waiting for her first stamp. That will come because today i escape the flatlands of the San Joaquin Valley for a return to Hawaii, a place i frequented during the 80s and 90s. In those old days, we'd use Oahu as a base while striking out for adventures on the different islands. During this adventure, i'll be staying in Kona on the Big Island, an area i've never been enthusiastic about because i prefer settling into an area and enjoying being around "the locals." Kona is definitely a tourist destination, while Hilo, on the other side of the island, is my favorite place. I'll write more about that in a few days.

If i could park myself at any airport, it would be SFO's international terminal. There i feel the grandness of the space, the view of the tarmac with large jets arriving from or departing to far off destinations. I always feel amazed that within the following 12-14 hours, the people around me will be scattered around the world. Today, i'm at KOAK, Oakland International, which always feels more like a commuter airport, probably because my many business flights usually departed from here.
While i have a few day excursions planned, this is mostly a "get out of Dodge" trip, where i plan to relax and to do some reading. Updates to follow.

I slept eight hours last night, the most i've slept in quite some time, possibly because i didn't have cats walking all over me demanding breakfast. I miss them dearly. Walked about a mile into the outskirts of town to check things out, confirming that this area, at least, is tourist centric. I didn't buy anything, but will probably wait until i drive to Hilo Sunday to find something to bring back.
Sight seeing isn't part of this trip. I've been to every island, seen all the sights, and found what i love, the quiet normalcy of Hilo where my grandparents lived between 1922 and 1928. Tomorrow will be a nice four mile hike into what is called, " The hidden craters." Should be fun.

Otherwise, this is just a trip to get away, relax, and do some quiet reading. I'm nearly finished with this month's Women's Book Club selection, "Lessons in Chemistry". It's been a wonderful read.

HIDDEN CRATERS HIKE
Glorious morning as i participated in a group of seven on the Hidden Craters Hike here on the Big Island. By coincidence, it was an all California group: a retired married couple from Concord and a family of four from Fresno that included a second grade teacher. Normally an introvert, <deadname> would have been on the quiet side, but Laura has learned to engage people and before long we were all chatting and laughing during the entire trip. In all, we hiked just under three miles with a thousand foot climb.

It was worth a morning.

Onward,

Laura

LauraE · January 24, 2024, 08:42:25 AM

June 22, 2022

On the Challenge of Living While Trans
While it's been 25 years since i last visited Hawaii, this trip felt a little bit like coming home.
Choosing Hawaii as Laura's first trip was easy, but pushing the button to reserve the trip took longer than I'd anticipated. I'd not traveled in years and had become accustomed to adding stamps to my passport. This was different though; Not only would i be traveling alone for the first time in my life, I'd also be traveling while trans. Both reasons were cause for delay. Below the surface the whole time was a quiet insecurity, that I would be unsafe, that people would stare at me, or that I couldn't fit in. Transitioning can feel like walking through a minefield.

What i've learned during this time away from home was that indeed i can travel alone, but that i'll always face the same obstacles i've encountered the past year. At home, most people at the tennis club knew <deadname> so that will always be their reference point about me. Whether it was a factor in their bullying i'll never know. I just know that i feel unwelcome at the club.

I've encountered two types of people the past 19 months that Laura has lived full-time; Those who accept me and see that i'm a good person, and those who exist somewhere on the bullying spectrum. Like many things, transphobia exists on a spectrum. On one end are those who overtly bully. On the other end are those who quietly disapprove. In between are variations from both ends; rumor spreading, exclusion, and acting friendly while privately hating. Perhaps the past year would have been easier had i moved to a more liberal and trans-friendly city. Perhaps had i been passable as a woman, i wouldn't have been stared at so much, what we call "being clocked". Passing is the holy grail of being transgender. With it, you have an E ticket to living freely as a woman. Without it, people feel obliged to turn and stare and some women feel they have permission to be cruel.

What have I learned during my week on the Big Island? First, I'm comfortable traveling alone. Sure, i'd prefer to have a companion. Travel is always more fun when you have someone to share the adventure with. To keep myself from being too conscious about being alone, i brought along several e-books to read. You don't need a friend to read a novel and enjoy it. Next, i made sure i planned several side trips: One in a group to explore lava tubes and a crater and one day trip Hilo with a stop-off at Akaka Falls. Both these excursions kept my mind busy. While in Hilo, I felt comfortable dining alone, something i've never done. Yes, it's a bit weird to eat alone, but having an iPhone to read helped pass the time. again, a companion would have been nice but i survived without one.

I also learned that being trans will always be my calling card. i'll never pass. Those who are younger have a greater chance of passing because their bodies haven't been subjected to the kind of damage that decades of testosterone have caused me. The other, possibly greater factor, is genetics. If your family, particularly the women, are attractive, then you have a chance to be attractive too. In my case, i came from a fairly plain, unattractive family. I've accepted this verdict and have done my best to keep my head high and to enjoy the years i have left. I will continue to find people who accept me/like me because i'm a good person. i'll also continue to come across people who have no reservations about hating me.

That's what i've learned this week. I'm a good person who does her best to be kind to others while trying to ignore those who hate me. I chatted up a number of people this past week, so i know that introverts can also be friendly and outgoing. I'm blessed with a wonderful best friend who always challenges me to be a better person as well as many supporters who come to my Saturday doubles group. With those blessings in mind, i also feel the weight of being an outcast at the tennis club. There are just too many people there who exist on the bullying spectrum. Some of them may smile and pretend to be friendly, but I'll never be accepted by them. I'll always be an "other" who doesn't belong on the women's team, nor on a mixed doubles team.

I also learned that no matter where i go, i'll always be tagged as trans. Most of the time, i'm just Laura out enjoying life whether it's strolling down the street, shopping, or sight seeing. When someone choses to begin staring at me, i know the fourth wall has broken and i begin to feel self-conscious about my appearance. Someone clocked me and insists on making me feel uncomfortable. And so goes life. Living while trans can be challenging, but it's always made more difficult when you can't pass.
I'm glad i took this first vacation and while the ghosts of the past year follow me, i know i can be happy while traveling. I've made several friends here and carried myself well, despite the challenges.

i'm looking forward to the next trip.

Onward,

Laura

LauraE · January 24, 2024, 08:44:54 AM

July 9, 2022

It looks like another lengthy update today. Stay with me, because life got interesting. I have several updates before today's story.

Life After Hawaii
If there was one thing my trip to the Big Island taught me, it's that Laura is ready to travel by herself. I loved the ocean-view condo and I did my best to chat up people where ever i was. This was very unlike <deadname> but Laura is beginning to find her stride. I know i'll return to Hawaii next year, staying longer, but i'm anticipating several trips before then. This trip revealed that Laura is much more comfortable being Laura and while i've years until my second puberty is complete, i feel well on the way. The thousand mile journey i began with a single step six years ago is far from complete, but i can now feel my progress.

Upon returning home, i found my two cats well cared for by my 13 year-old neighbor. While i was afraid they might be mad at me for being away, i found my oldest cat, Cessna, was particularly clingy my first day back. oh, i'm perfectly ok with cat clinginess, but they are now back to pre-travel behavior.
Mixed Doubles League

Trix is the original creator of our Saturday doubles group, which i took over last summer when he became involved in a USTA league. Before i left for Hawaii, he and his current Friday group (which includes Nora (Person One), created a mixed-doubles competition at our club. After he shared this, i began my quest to find a partner. Before and during my trip, i contacted several men to see if they'd partner with me. All declined, saying they were playing with others. At this point, this was beginning to feel like my failed quest to find a Ladies Interclub partner where i reached out to 14 women but were rejected by each one. Now, i'm a fairly decent player and stronger than many of the women who would be playing, so this was starting to bother me. Finally, Ashish, who plays in my Saturday group, said yes. Now, Ashish is a strong player as is his son and daughter, both who also play Saturdays with me.
Ashish and i played together in last Saturday's doubles group and my friend Sid put us together for all three sets in his Monday group. That way we could figure out how best to play with each other, discovering each others strengths and practicing the communication all good doubles groups must have to maneuver through a match. Our final practice, on Thursday, between Sid and his partner, went better than i imagined with us winning in three sets. Today was our first official match, playing against Regina (who was on my interclub team) and her husband, who is a very good player. Despite my anticipation that this would be a tough match, Ashish and i won in two sets. It was a hard fought match, but Ashish and i kept communicating and problem solving throughout the match, which helped tremendously. There are 12 teams in this round-robin competition (including my former partner/friend Yeng and her husband), so we'll be playing until late September. We're off to a good start though.

Redecorating
I returned from Hawaii a newish person, determined to start expanding my boundaries. One of my first quests is to redecorate my house. I've a large house that includes a living room and family room, but since the divorce, my living room is void of furniture while i spend my time in the family room, which was decorated by my ex-wife and i. She was native-born Chinese so our family room reflected our love of China. We had many different Chinese artworks and a variety of Chinese furniture. Adding to this was a new couch, loveseat, and chair i purchased last December. My first decision was to move everything into the living room and begin again to express who i am now, not who i used to be.

For me, that style is Hawaiian. Now, my first wife was Chinese, but she was born and raised in Honolulu, so we spend our vacations there, using Oahu as a home base and then traveling to the outer islands. I've been everywhere in Hawaii, but my favorite island is the Big Island with my favorite place being Hilo where my father was born in 1925. During one of our many trips, we discovered the artist Pegge Hopper, who was very popular from the 70s until she retired a few years ago. We ended up purchasing two of her lithographs for our house and i've never really forgotten how much i loved them.

So, I decided to let my love of Pegge's paintings guide my redecorating. First, i ordered several of her Koa-framed paintings, and a few smaller prints that i'll frame here. This was an expensive purchase but because her work inspires me, was a good decision. Her style is informing my other purchases. Her work will adorn my hallways as well as my family room. Next, i contacted a wood worker on the Big Island, who specializes in making Koa furniture. Koa is native to Hawaii and is fairly rare. yet, i have fond memories of the Koa furniture my ex-inlaws had, so i knew this was the right choice. The wood worker is winding down his business (he's my age), but has enough stock to build me a coffee table. I'm expecting delivery in September. Recently, i found a few perfect pieces for my downstairs bathroom. They'll arrive within a week. Several of the paintings are already on the walls, but i'll wait until everything has arrived before making my final decisions about where best to place things.

Finally was the choice of the couch, loveseat, chair, and end tables. After much searching, i found a wonderful Rattan set and a fabric that will fit nicely with my theme. I finally ordered the set yesterday, although i'm not expecting delivery until December. No problem. I'm on a redecorating journey so my living space will reflect how Laura now feels and lives.

And now, today's story.

Serendipity Times Two
There's an old saying that when luck knocks at your door, let it in. We all have times when we feel lucky that something happened, and i know i've taken advantage of these opportunities when ever they've presented themselves. Luck knocked twice after I returned from Hawaii.

Carolyn
As organizer of my Saturday's group, i send out invitations to around 40 people each Wednesday to build a group of 12-16 people for Saturday morning. However, i'm also always scouting for people who will fit into our group. Because my group is my safe space, the two main qualities i look for is that first, they're a nice person, and that they accept who i am. Mean girls need not apply. While i'm looking for quality players, i tend to bring in people who are not yet at the level of the group, but who are slowly improving. We rotate partners each of the four sets, so no single strong player has to play with a weaker player more than once, but the strong players i've accepted are all nice people who are completely fine with the newcomers. Saturday is about good tennis and having fun and everyone knows that.
So, over time, i'm continually adding to my database of invitees, many whom i find when i play in Sid's Monday or Wednesday groups. he tends to have 24 to 32 people each time, which is a bit unwieldy, but it's provided me a laboratory where i can meet new people and find those who are both nice and relatively decent players.

Two of those players are Carolyn and her husband Jim. They're both retired lawyers who practice together, and in the six weeks i've known Carolyn, we've had a number of nice conversations which led me to confirm that she's a "good" person and someone i'd like to be around. To my surprise, after i returned from Hawaii, she suggested we have lunch together. Now, Laura's mission has always been to say "yes" to each and every invitation, so while i told her yes, i left the ball in her court. True to her word, she reminded me last Saturday and we set last Wednesday to have lunch at a local restaurant. To my delight, I had an incredible time. We arrived with the restaurant began filling with its lunch crowd and when we left two hours later, we again were alone in the restaurant.

I do feel humbled when people want to be my friend, but she reached out to me because i was a nice person. Despite her having a large circle of friends, she has few close friends, so she's choosy who she invites into her circle. That she invited me was a delight. I'm a great listener who finds it easy to draw people out, but i made sure to do my share of talking. What pleased me was that before asking about my transition, asked if it was ok to ask me a few questions about my life. That impressed me. We barely scratched the surface of our two lives, but i left knowing i've made a new friend that that we'll do this again

Donna
This one really surprised me and came from left field. I'll have to credit @Danielle for that.
Last February, in the midst of a depression brought on my my former tennis partner/best friend, Danielle suggested i stretch my horizons. Up until that point, my social circle revolved around tennis, which up until then had a spotty record for being accepting. She suggested i find a book group where i could interact with completely different people, knowing they they'd never met <deadname>. Essentially, a clean start.

The Women's Book Club meets the last Saturday of each month at a local restaurant, with book selections rotating among the members in alphabetical order. (Thank goodness they're still on the As.). In the four months i've belonged, i've had a great time, both dicussing the books, but socializing with the other dozen or so women who show up each month. I've had many wonderful discussions with these women and find some of them intriguing. One has a Beechcraft Bonanza, a much faster airplane than mine.
Shortly before leaving for Hawaii, one of these women sent a friend request on FaceBook. Now, i've alway made it a policy to not invite anyone, but to wait for people to come to me. This is one of those "be careful whom you trust" things. this person happens to be an elected official in our city and a conservative. yet, i've enjoyed her sense of humor and she's a science fiction fan, so i accepted her friend request. During my trip, i posted regularly about my adventures, along with many pictures from my trip. Before coming home, i wrote and posted the June 22nd post, as seen above this one. I cross posted that to Facebook, because as my duty to be a role model and educator, i wanted my friends to know how i'm dealing with transition. It was a deep post.

Donna, the elected official and my new FB friend, sent me a long direct message that expressed emphathy. I was deeply touched by her outreach and we exchanged a few messages.
Then, yesterday she posted she was at a small "arts" movie house in town watching David Lynch's first movie, Eraserhead. I commented that i loved Lynch's work. When the movie was over, she texted me to come join her for drinks at a small bar near the theater. Now, it was 6pm and i had a long day of chores. I also wanted to be mentally ready for today's competitive match. However, she persisted and i made true on my quest to always say yes. We ended up talking for three hours while sipping gimlets, a drink i've never had. I tried one and was instantly addicted.

She told me that she invites very few people for drinks at this bar. She's a public official and her friend list is extensive with her professional contacts. Why would this conservative woman befriend me? She told me it was because i was nice person. This was pretty much identical to what Carolyn told me during our lunch together, as her unfiltered self came out to share about her life.

Now, being nice at the tennis club has had limited success, but I AM that person. That's always been my North and perhaps hormones has refined my personality. Don't know. I do know that these two women never new <deadname> and don't care that i'm trans. In fact, Donna told me something i've heard before, that she didn't know i was trans until i outed myself at a book club meeting. Now, while i do see Laura in pictures i take, I still have trouble seeing her in the mirror. Perhaps I feel this way because i DO get clocked from time to time, but it's soothing to know these women saw me as a woman first.

It's been a wonderful week.

Onward,

Laura

LauraE · January 24, 2024, 09:25:19 AM

July 13, 2022

It's story time again. Here's a recent adventure/revelation/paradigm shift I'd like to share.
I've written quite a bit about my inability to pass and how i do my best to just be happy that i get to be Laura full time. As i've written, most recently in my long Hawaii post, being stared at is part of every day, so i've always assumed that i will never pass. After all, while I can see Laura in the pictures i take, I never see her in the mirror.

I'm beginning to wonder when that's just a remnant of the person i used to be. Oh, i know some people will always clock me, but something happened to make me wonder.
And now for today's story.

Wait!!! What???
Five months ago, on @Danielle's suggestion, i joined a local Women's Book Club to diversify my hobbies and meet people not in my tennis network. The side advantage would be that none of these people every knew <deadname> so they'd have no reference point to my past life. Early on, knowing/thinking i don't pass, i outed myself to the group and i was pleased to be readily accepted by them. The club meetings have been great fun, being 1/3 about the book and 2/3 socialization. Meeting at a local restaurant helps.

About 40% of the group are current or retired teachers. Last month, a new member appeared. She was a bit nervous, perhaps since she was a young college student and we were not. LOL. This month, we again had a new member, who i met when i arrived early. She and the group leader were chatting outside the restaurant entrance and i stopped to say hello. She looked quite young and shared that she was a bit nervous. I told her that we're a very friendly group that have wonderful conversations, so this set her at ease a bit.

During the lunch/book talk, it was evident that she was an extrovert, quite talkative, and very funny. Having earned her teaching credential, she is waiting for her two children to reach school age before entering the profession. That gave us a bit more to talk about, and i noticed her looking at me intently when i was talking and joking.

When i returned home, i found her profile on FB and messaged her that i hoped she had a good time and that she's fitting into the group nicely. She then initiated a FB friend request, which led us to begin chatting more on Messenger. Our conversation went back and forth between teaching, the club and our lives. I said she looked younger than her age (27) and she didn't think i looked like 70 (bless her heart.)

Here's what stopped me in my tracks. At some point, i mentioned that i was trans, since i figured she already knew. She didn't. She had no idea i was trans. How can that be? Doesn't everyone clock me? I always thought that people clocked me but were nice to me because i was nice to them. I had so many wonderful conversations with people in Hawaii, never talking about my status, but i always thought those people knew. Perhaps the didn't. Perhaps my vision was clouded by the few people who freely stared at me, obviously clocking me. Maybe i do pass at times.

Wait!!! What??? How can i not see Laura in the mirror, yet new people i meet have no idea i've transitioned? Has this all been in my head? Thinking about this exchange, i'm connecting several dots that have been placed during the past year, dots that say that some people have no idea and even if the did, they just don't care that i am. They just care that i'm an interesting, funny, warm person.
Perhaps.

Perhaps if i look a bit like a duck, dress like a duck and talk like a duck, people will assume i'm a duck just like them.

This is going to take a bit to get used to.

I have more stories but i'll share those in another update.

Onward.

Laura

LauraE · January 24, 2024, 12:25:03 PM

July 31, 2022

Thank you @Danielle and @ChrissyRyan for your kind words. On the back of this, I'm motivated to post a follow-up story, one that applies to all those who are in the process of transitioning. It's about unlearning and relearning.

Muscle Memory
In tennis (and i assume all sports), we practice a skill until it becomes automatic. That is, the processes of performing that skill becomes part of your muscle memory. You don't have to think about it while you're doing it. You just do it because repeated practice has made it automatic. In education, we call that Unconscious Competence. (The opposite being Unconscious Incompetence.) On one hand, you're doing something right and not thinking about it. On the other side is performing badly and having no idea that you're failing.

When you begin taking lessons with a new instructor, what he (or she) attempts to do is to help you unlearn your bad skills and to help you establish the correct skill set for a particular shot (say, forehand volleys at the net.) Unlearning and relearning takes time as the old/bad skill set is still in your muscle memory, so to improve your game, you have to constantly practice those new skills to place them into your muscle memory (we call that Conscious Incompetence. You know you're doing it wrong and you're working to correct it.) As the new skills take place and you improve your game, you're still thinking about what you have to do each time you make that shot (Conscious Competence). At some point, everything becomes automatic.

Transitioning is the same thing. All of us MTFs have spent X years as someone else and we practiced those skills so well that they are automatic to us. Becoming a woman means unlearning many of those "skills" and learning new ones. As we begin to transition, all those male skills are in our muscle memory, so part of the social/emotional growth we undertake during our transition is to unlearn and relearn.

That's essentially what my last post was about. The paradigm of who Laura is, is still clouded by skills and habits i established in my old life. Revelations, like what happened yesterday, help to move me forward and establish a new normal. Transitioning certainly isn't easy, nor fast, so every step we take forward in our thousand mile journey is a good step.
yesterday's revelation was an important step to help me build Laura's new muscle memory.

Onward.

Laura

LauraE · January 24, 2024, 12:27:10 PM

August 20, 2022

Coming off an amazing August, and really an amazing year, i feel so thankful for surviving my first year 24/7 and for my continuing to evolve into the woman i want to be. it's puberty 2.0 baby. I'm so sorry for being off site, but one thing has led to another this summer. all good. yes, this is a very long post with many threads and, at least in my head, i'm composing my complicated feelings about getting GCS, which i'll cross post at a later date. I have three stories for you today.

I deserve to be happy. That, or the stars seem to be aligning after progressing through last year's drama. it's hard to tell, because i've been on a streak of fortune i couldn't have predicted. This has been a wonderful week, in a wonderful month, in a transformative year.

These first two stories are how i reunited with two of my oldest friends.

Reunited with Old Friends
In the last century (or, why not, millennia) I've had one male best friend of twenty years, whose friendship suddenly ended at the time of my divorce. I also had two wonderful female best friends i met during college. While male friendships are fairly one dimensional, my female friendships have been rich and rewarding. However, there have been decades when i had no friends. <deadname> simply wasn't capable of saying "yes" to invitations, so any and all opportunities were lost over time. Once you say "no" to people, it's amazing how quickly the invitations disappear. This, though, is how i reconnected with my two oldest female friends.

Beth
I first met Beth during my student teaching year and I was immediately drawn to her. She being outgoing, energetic, full of life and me still being the introvert that i'm still trying to shed. She became an amazing friend and the first person i ever shared deeply with and for that reason we kept in touch after i began my first teaching assignment. I lost track of her after we attended a concert after my first year of teaching.

When my first wife and i divorced, the Internet was of no help finding her, but i did find her brother who pointed me to her. she'd married and had moved to Las Vegas. We connected via email, but as her husband demanded she not have male friends, i again lost track of her. After my second divorce, i easily found her on FaceBook and we became FB friends. By this time, she'd divorced, moved to Wisconsin, and had adopted two children. We've watched each other's lives from afar since then, but never really connected nor shared all that happened during our absences. When Laura announced on <deadname>'s FB profile that she was trans, Beth quickly came over to her new profile.

For years, Beth would make annual trips to Las Vegas to visit friends, but i'd put off visiting her. Such was the fear i felt about being out in the world. Even after i went full-time, i didn't feel comfortable traveling, nor being out in the general public. 2021 was rough as I've chronicled in my previous posts, but after i pulled myself out of the last rabbit hole last spring, feeling like a new woman, i was ready to travel.

In late July, she announced on FB that she was flying to LV with her adopted son and spending a few weeks. Now, having learned from my Hawaii trip that i was ready to travel alone, i quickly checked my calendar to see if there was room to visit her. Between the tennis league (story three), and electrolysis, i only had one window to make it to LV, which would be the following weekend (which at that point was two days away). i quickly ruled out flying my own plane or flying commercial, so i told Beth i'd be driving down Saturday morning and returning Sunday. (Yes, this was a crazy plan, but i'm retired so why not?). Beth was thrilled and offered to share her two bedroom condo with me, so we could talk into the night.

I left for Vegas at 6am the next morning, arriving just after 3pm. Now, driving for 9+ hours can be exhausting, but having to stop several times to charge my Tesla helped break the monotony. Once i arrived, Beth and i talked non-stop until after midnight, slowing down only so I could take her and her son out to dinner. We continued to talk the next morning until i had to leave. Yes, i was exhausted when i got home that night, but it was all worth it to reconnect with a best friend i'd not seen in 45 years.
And yes, we'll do this again the next time she's in LV.

Gina
My best friend in college was Gina, she from New York and me from the SF Bay area. we were both theatre arts majors with careers headed in different directions. I think we probably connected as friends because we were so different from each other. (or perhaps because we were both Virgos. LOL. who knows?) I just know that we hung out together during and after college. After i finished my student teaching, i flew back to NY to spend a week with her and later when she moved to Los Angelas, i'd drive down to spend holidays with her.

All that ended when i got married and my first wife demanded that we not communicate. Now, Gina and i were never romantic and were never attracted to each other in that way. We just enjoyed each other's company. Gina was my first best friend, so losing her mattered

When my first wife and i divorced, I easily found her online and we reconnected via email and phone calls. She'd moved to the SF Bay Area in Marin, but her career had taken a fairly large turn. Her health problems were also quite a concern too, but at least we'd reconnected. Then, i remarried and wife two expected me to cut off our friendship.

I began searching for Gina after my second marriage imploded, but without success. For six years, i'd stop every so often and perform a variety of Google searches for her, but never found her. Because there was no trace, i couldn't help but feel that she'd seccumbed to her health issues. I shared this story with Beth during my visit to LV and she suggested i change up my search terms, which is what i did after i returned home.

I spent quite a bit of time experimenting with terms until i found my first bread crumb. She had a "Classmates" account and had posted on it in 2008, announcing she was an author. What confused me was that author of the book she referenced was not her, or at least her name. Was that a pen name or was she a pretender? It took quite a bit of research to find enough references that she was indeed the author. Finding her on social media took more time because all her accounts are under her pen name. At this point, she didn't know i'd transitioned, nor that i also have a new name. Using <deadname>'s twitter account and Laura's FB account, i reached out and was delighted she relied within a few minutes.
She immediately accepted Laura and once we connected on the phone a few days later, we talked more than three hours, barely scratching the surface the past four decades. It turns out that Gina had also been looking for me, but when two people have two new names, searching gets complicated. I owe Beth for her brainstorming.

So, this Friday, i'm going to fly my plane to Novato in the bay area so we can meet, talk, have lunch, and continue to catch up. it's a 70 minute flight which easily beats a three hour drive.
So, in the span of a month, i've reconnected with two best friends i'd not seen in 45 years. I'd say this was a reward for surviving my first year out.

Book Club
No stories here except to say that i'm thankful that Danielle suggested i join a local book club. This is a women only group and i've had a thoroughly wonderful time at our monthly meetings, eating lunch, socializing, and talking about each month's selection.

Mixed Doubles League
My first post about this league was on July 9th, so here's an update.
Our division of the mixed-doubles league has 14 teams, so we're playing 13 matches that must conclude by mid-September. My partner, Ashish, and i are currently 10-1. i'm stunned because i never thought we'd do so well together. There's a reason for our success though.

Ashish is a fairly strong player with weaknesses in several areas, but his biggest fault is that he can be offensive to his partners (and his children). While he doesn't think he's being critical, he believes he's just trying to help the person (or his children) to be better players. Now, he often plays in my Saturday group, so i've seen this in him but i'd not experienced it personally until our first few matches.

Laura did what <deadname> thought was right, but with a Laura twist. I pushed back, telling him that we must, as a team, be positive with each other, offer constructive advice, and problem solve constantly during a match. Then, during our matches, i made sure we were doing just that. it took a few matches, but we've reached an equilibrium where we constantly talk during a match. This is our strength and i believe it's why we beat several teams who were stronger. We're currently in second place with two matches to go, one that will be easy and one against an undefeated team. Regardless, we'll enter playoffs in a strong position, all because Laura has evolved.

I have one more story about Nora and a birthday weekend & flight we're planning, but i'll save that for another day. Somewhere down the line, i own @Danielle a lunch. You and Nora have been a rock for me.

Onward,

Laura

LauraE · January 24, 2024, 12:28:15 PM

September 7, 2022

Thank you @Danielle for the birthday wishes. You asked how i was going to spend my day. Well, to be honest, i was just going to stay home and clean house. I had considered flying to Half Moon Bay since the weather is nicer during the day. We're in the middle of a heat wave with yesterday topping out at 112F and today dropping down to a chilly 105F. it's a swealtering week. I can't remember the last time i felt happy on my birthday, since i always spend it alone. Today turned out differently though.

Around 9am, Nora, aka Person One and my best friend, dropped by my house before leaving for work. She brought with her a few presents and two small bundt cakes. Tears came to my eyes as i opened the first gift, a beautiful necklace. Nora's friendship has meant so much to me so this act of kindness really lifted up my day.

Oh, i sitll cleaned house, but at least i felt special for the first time in years.

Onward,

Laura

LauraE · January 24, 2024, 12:30:56 PM

September 18, 2022

This has been a momentous week, in more than one way. While performing quite well in tennis, a number of cascading trigger events placed me in my first depression since last spring and reminded me that i'll never fit in at my club. Here's the journey that led up to a decision to declare failure and move on.

The Experiment that Failed
Two years ago, on the cusp of going full-time, i pondered here whether i should move an hour north to begin Laura's life where people wouldn't have the old me to compare to the new me. I knew the city i live in was generally not accepting of the LGBT community, so I spent several months considering my options: Stay here and hope that i'll be accepted or move north to a city more accepting. In the end, i chose to stay. The drama that ensued last year is already on these pages, but i still wasn't ready to give up. I used those experiences to try to improve myself, to be less "him" and more "Laura" on the courts. I do feel that i'm a better person now but i despite my evolution, i know it's not been enough.

We all know the classic definition of insanity, that is doing the same thing over and over hoping for different results. I tend to be someone who doesn't give up easily because i keep hoping for conditions to improve, and yet despite my evolution during the past two years, nothing has really changed at my club. I'm still an outcast who will never be accepted.

I've written about the Mixed Doubles league that i've been part of these past three months and how my partner and i have worked well together and achieved a nice level of success. There have been two parts of the league. In the first, the 14 teams played each other in a round robin with the final standings acting as ranking for the season end tournament. Last Sunday we played our 12th match against a team i thought we'd beat easily. Despite that, it was a long two-setter lasting two hours, mainly because the woman, Rose, played exceptionally well. We still won, 6-1, 6-0. After the match i hung around because other teams were playing, sitting first with Rose, who often plays in my Saturday group. She's been very friendly with me in the past, perhaps because her son is gay and she understands the challenges we in the LGBT community face. After we talked for some time, i walked over to where several other people were sitting, including Bobbi who was one of the first people i came out to three years ago. She's always been supportive. Bobbi and i talked for awhile but after i mentioned ladies interclub, she said something that triggered me. Now, i've been very thankful to have been part of the league, partially because i enjoy the competition, but also because i was missing ladies interclub because none of the women would play with me. Out of the blue, Bobbi said that she doesn't think I should be allowed to play ladies interclub. Of course, the inference was that because i'm trans, because i'm really a man, that i have an unfair advantage. I'm not a woman in her eyes. I can only extrapolate that my participation in the Mixed Doubles league should also be disallowed. These thoughts began the cascade that only got worse during the week.

Monday night we played our last match against the first place team which was undefeated (our record going in was 11-1). If we won, we'd own first place due to the tie breaker. A loss would guarantee us second place and a "bye" in the first round of the playoffs. it was a tough, three-hour match that we could have/should have won. Our loss is my fault though. I hate playing at night because it's harder for me to see the ball, ,especially with the lighting at our club, so my play was substandard compared to our other matches. that loss brought me down for a day.

On a side note, playoffs began yesterday with the Round of 16 (for which we had a bye) and the quarter finals. Our quarter final match was a grind, lasting three hours. My partner and i played poorly in the first set, surprised at the quality of play by the female who was subbing for the woman who normally plays. Despite this, we never gave up. For myself, i didn't want this journey to end because being part of the league has meant so much to me. We fought back the final two hours and despite many tough, long points, we won. The semi-finals and finals are scheduled for next Sunday. Regardless how we do, i'm still proud to have been part of this league. it's not brought me any respect from the women here, and perhaps that's one reason i've decided to move on.

Wednesday brought triggers from two sources. Ladies Interclub began that day and while three subs played for the team, i know i'll never be asked to help. Their captain knows i'm willing to sub, but i'm not one of the four people they've added to their team web site as possible subs. Am i bad person? Is my game weak? No. I'm an "other" to them. No women or men have asked me to play this year. No women, nor men asked to partner with me for interclub or the mixed league. Are my Mixed Doubles wins illegitimate because i'm not a woman in their eyes? These reminders pushed me over the edge and my depression began in full force. Making things a bit worse is that for the first time, i couldn't assemble a simple foursome for my Saturday group. Numbers began dwindling after the league began and i can only hope that some will return next week. Still, i'm reminded that despite my inviting a large group of men and women each week to my Saturday group, none of them have ever invited me to play. These past three months, this league kept me going, as i hoped others would recognize that my play has improved. With it ending, i return to my Saturday group and my friend's evening group as my only outlet.

Clearly, my experiment to stay in my city and club has failed. I've not gained any new friends, nor invited to play with anyone. To continue hoping that conditions change is only insanity.
During my Should I Stay phase, my escape from this city would be to a more liberal city an hour north. that city has a large, very successful tennis club with an active program. My other options for new tennis clubs would only end with the same results. My city has a country club with a tennis program. While expensive to join, the women there are more wealthy and hence more snobby about who participates. Some of my bullies play there. Thirty minutes north is another tennis club, also part of Interleague, but several bullies also play there (and they're part of the Interleague board that ignored my bullying). My best choice, if i hope to make a fresh start, someplace where they might clock me, yet never know about the old me, is in the city i investigated two years ago.

For now, my plans are join that club as a new experiment. I'll need to drive there to play and while that's an inconvenience, i'll never know if it's a better environment until I try. I'm still a member of my local club, so i'll continue with my Saturday group, as well as social tournaments the club. When the Mixed Doubles league restarts next spring, i hope to participate as well. I love to play partially because it's great exercise but also because i enjoy being around other players. I no longer hope for their acceptance though so i won't be encumbered by concern for their rejection. We'll see what happens next.

Thank you for your advice. You know i always appreciate it. I DO love myself now and while i have evolved in the past year be a better person on the court, you're telling me that's not enough, that my behavior on the court still isn't acceptable. yes, i know i'm still verbal, but my attitude is quite different now. There are parts of my personality i'm not willing to discard and if that's why i'll never be respected, then that's too bad. i know i've done my best and have treated everyone nicely. i know i'm a good person and if others can't see that, that is there loss. I've no doubt that many at Brenda feel the same way Bobbi does about my playing as a woman. That attitude will never change.
My staying in Modesto was an experiment. I wrote extensively two years ago about whether i should stay or go, whether i should begin life full-time in a new city where people wouldn't have access to who i used to be or if i should stay in Modesto and see if i could fit in. Certainly, this experiment has been a failure and like my last marriage where i stayed too long, hoping for different results, it's time to move on.

I'm going to join Laguna Creek and spend the next several months figuring out if i fit in there. I still plan to organize my Saturday group and participate in Brenda's socials (as well as the ladies' play days). If the Mixed Doubles league begins next spring, i'll play if Ashish will have me, but i'm done waiting for people to come around. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result.

Laura

Northern Star Girl · January 24, 2024, 12:32:00 PM

@LauraE
Dear Laura:
I am so very much enjoying reading your "previously lost" and past postings
that you are able to dig up and re-post on your current Blog thread.,... I have very
fond memories of our conversations and posting exchanges.

Please keep the updates coming.

Many HUGS and my best wishes to you.
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

LauraE · January 24, 2024, 12:35:36 PM

Thank you, @Danielle. I was fortunate that I'd drafted all my writings off line, but even if everything was lost, what I've gained the past seven years outweighs the loss.

Having you here as a mentor and cheerleader has been so helpful.

Laura

LauraE · January 24, 2024, 12:37:58 PM

Mid-September, 2022

<coda: this was a response to a comment Danielle made to the previous posts back in 2022)

Thank you for your support and encouragement, @Danielle. This has been a tough week interrupted by wonderful play with my doubles partner. Nora, Person One, isn't happy with me at the moment. Earlier in the week, she told me I was having a "pity party", but even after i shared a long explanation of how the week devolved into depression, things didn't get better for us. She thinks i'm not trying hard enough to be a better person on the court, but i disagree. I've evolved quite a bit during the past year, but there are aspects of my personality i'm not willing to discard so easily. I'm just tired of waiting for people to come around. I believe many, if not most of the women at the club feel i shouldn't be allowed to play, echoing Bobbi's comment to me last Sunday. Somehow, i'm ruining women's sports by participating. Their attitude will never change, and i'm tired of pretending their smiles count as acceptance or friendship. It doesn't.

I don't know how whether my next experiment will be successful, but given that this new club is larger and has many more tennis events, i'm hoping there are places i can fit in. I'm giving this five months before i reevaluate.

Again, i'm glad you're there.

Laura

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