"Will" was my closest friend outside of school during those early years. His family was better off financially than mine, but they were also more close-knit. They'd go to various events around town and let their two kids each bring a friend. I was often invited to spend the night at their house, which I loved because their family functioned the way I wished mine did. The parents would ask the kids about their lives, and there would be engaging dialog - even with me! Will was also very different from other boys I knew; he was sensitive, caring, talked about his desires and his feelings. I really appreciated that, since it was a lot like what I'd experienced hanging out with girls in my earlier years. Eventually, when I learned about homosexuality, I realized he was likely gay, and I didn't think anything about it. We drifted apart after elementary school. I reconnected with him about 10 years ago, and he talked about his long-time male partner. Of course he was gay.
Along the way, one of my grandmothers taught me to crochet, which I found to be fun, easy, and practical. Both of my grandfathers were avid gardeners, and I took very quickly to it. To this day, it still feels like magic to me that you can plant seeds and watch them become what they were meant to be. I had an uncle who, like my father, was very mechanically inclined and fell into repairing sewing machines. Of course, in the process, he learned to sew and taught me. Again, this seemed like an incredibly useful skill, and I was enthralled by the wide array of fabrics available and the endless possibilities.
Somewhere in all of this, I began to be ridiculed, mostly by boys, for doing things "like a girl:" the way I walked, what I talked about or the way I'd speak, the kinds of activities I enjoyed. For the most part, I didn't care - until it became apparent that the girls now preferred the company of those boys instead of me. The same female cousin who'd put make-up on me not that long ago was now telling me the attributes of the boys that girls liked: broad shoulders, strong arms, confidence and "swagger." I didn't meet any of those criteria. Not only was I short and had thick-thighs, my hips were round. There was no way to "fix" that. I decided my only recourse was to build my upper body to compensate. I started with daily push-ups and trained myself to walk and speak more like the popular boys. In effect, I began to condition myself to approximate as best I could the male archetype I'd been told was desirable. What else could I do?
