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Deep Stealth or Activist?

Started by MaggieB, July 01, 2008, 11:49:02 AM

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MaggieB

I'm having a process in my mind now as to how I want to live the rest of my life now that I am in mid transition. My therapist asked me "Am I a "Transwoman" or a woman?" Clearly, I am trans but what I wonder is that should I wear my trans status "on my sleeve". I pass most of the time and it is very tempting now to blend in and go deep stealth. This affords me a lot of options and some confrontations I don't have to worry about. In that sense, I am inclined to say I am just a woman. However, I am angry about the HRC situation and that the leadership in the Congress wigged out on this most central of issues to LBGT rights. I mean, it is appearance and behavior that usually causes the discrimination. Are we to deal with a "Don't ask Don't tell" situation instead? Seriously.
OK, back to my issue. I have written a lot and posted a lot on other forums. I am writing a novel based on my life that will highlight many trans issues. What more should I do? Can I get comfortable in a march being such a private person? Will I fit in with a generally younger population of transfolk activists? My older friend went to the Trans march in SF over the weekend and she had a great time but it was not possible for me to go. I have been thinking that if it was all that important to me I would have gone. It would have been a major hardship for me to go both financially and physically but if it was so important to be counted shouldn't I have been there? Maybe, I am one of the deep stealth transwomen.

Maggie
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NicholeW.

Hi Maggie, good to see you back posting.  :icon_hug:

Are there just the binary choices? Deep stealth or out? Or could there be some middle-ground here?

I haven't the desire to march or directly appear at some sort of rally or hearing either. I don't care for either the publicity or feel a need to "be the voice of the community." I'm not sure how one would do that anyway. I think the community has many voices and they don't all speak with the same mind or words.

OTH, I do intend to try to practice with a clientele of TS/TG people as well as trauma survivors, addicts and women. Those are the areas I know and I feel a kinship with.

Of course to make that practice work I have to advertize it. On the web and in that regard certainly, and with hoped-for word-of-mouth, I fully expect to become "known."

And I also think of people across the country who are Episcopalians, Baptists, Democrats, Republicans, Greens and Libertarians, ecologists, and a host of other labels who quietly go about their lives voting, speaking to one another and their neighbors and friends, signing petitions and generally supporting what they believe in with money and time who are definitely not "out." They are somewhere between.

For me, that seems about right.

Love,

Nichole
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Melissa

I don't live at either of those extremes.  Pretty much I don't go around telling unless it is pertinent to the situation such as dealing with my health or a partner.  My closer friends know I'm TS and my purpose in that is I feel much more relaxed and comfortable around them than I do if I feel I'm hiding some "secret".  Of course there's also many people in my life who don't know.  It's just a big balance and I find the middle ground much easier.
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Sandy

Maggie:

I consider myself to be a bit of both.

In my life, everyone who knows me, also know that I have GID and I am recovering from it through the wonders of medical science and surgery.   ;D

Most of everyone who has known me in the past knew me as that other guy. So in that respect, I could not "go stealth". I was not about to sever all connections with my past and start a new life as a deep stealth woman. I am out in my life. I am proud and I am an activist.

I personally feel that the days of people having to "die" in their old life and construct a new life as a woman were done primarily do allow that person to have a productive life. See Lyn Conway's website. She was a very successful engineer for IBM and was summarily terminated when she came out. She spent the better part of a decade rebuilding her life as a deep stealth woman so that she could get a job as an entry level technician and rebuild her life from there.

But because of her efforts and the efforts of transsexuals since then I have been given the ability to transition in my life. No lying, no starting over. Just transition. Starting as the guy and over time becoming the person I have always been, Sandra.

Now to the person on the street, they see a woman. Very few pick up or have a clue that I was not born with a female body. And I prefer to keep it this way. I don't need to wear a sign around my neck that says "TRANSSEXUAL!!!". But if someone does read me I have no fear of admitting that I was born a male bodied female.

Actually, Maggie, you have accomplished much of the same. You have transitioned in your life. You did not have to "die" and start again somewhere else. There was no need. And I think that the acceptance you received from your customers is most touching and most telling of the attitudes that exist today. Not the fundy right wing religious zealots who think that all trans women are men in dresses and pedophiles wanting to invade the ladies rooms and attack children.

Now to read a bit more into the question your therapist asked. I take the question to mean: "How do you feel about yourself inside?"

Are you a woman? Or do you see yourself as a transwoman.

I consider myself to be a woman with a transsexual condition. I've always been female, but with a birth defect. I have always been a woman and other women can have other afflictions, like diabetes. It makes them no less female to be diabetic. And I consider myself no less female because it took a long time to diagnose my condition.

I'm a bit long winded today, Maggie, I hope I haven't bored you.

-Sandy
Out of the darkness, into the light.
Following my bliss.
I am complete...
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MaggieB

I am prone towards being an activist. I protested at college demonstrations in the early 1970's against the illegal war activity by Nixon in Cambodia. Thirty years ago, I was an environmentalist. I was instrumental in stopping a local factory from buying a farm near my acreage and turning it into a toxic waste site. Then I was point person on a committee for technical reasons to stop a garbage incinerator that was proposed to be put in the middle of a dairy farming region. I was so vocal at public meetings that I was asked to run for Township Supervisor. I turned that down. Oh yes, I also built a solar home in the late 1970's and it was featured in a survey of innovative solar homes in Pennsylvania of which there were a total of four at the time. I planted 100 Norway Spruce trees on the property to green it up. We got rid of our car in the late 1980's and walked or took the bus for four years. To save energy, we have not had the heat on in the winter here in our house for twenty years. Our electric and gas bill is $60 a month, We dry our clothes outside on a portable clothes line. So I am really one that can be swayed to activism. However, I'm 57 this month and no spring chicken. Activism takes a lot of energy and I did my part. Still, I write a lot and will comment on things that are important when I see the need. My book may be a story that helps some understand what it is like to be a transwoman and some of the problems we face coping with it. I suppose I can't hide when it gets published.

Sandy, you are right, my customers are supportive and still are now even though I got one or two misogynistic comments on my forum lately. It seems that my current issue in my business is not acceptance that I am a woman, rather, it is that some men speak of women in derogatory ways. SO now I am a feminist. Didn't see that one coming....

The therapist said the trans vs woman thing to me to get me thinking about the difference between thinking of the condition of being trans and the underlying basis which is that I am a woman in a male body. Well, it was a male body.... The notion that I can be obsessed with trans issues and miss the reality of the fact that I need to get on with my life as a woman was brought home when she said it. The short form of this is "GROW UP, you are done being a trans child". A message that I am getting loud and clear.

Maggie
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Sheila

Maggie, I don't think deep stealth is in anyones cards. I believe that if one person knows the whole world will know. So, saying that, I think that you can go out and call yourself a woman if you want and be part of the activists group if that is what your so incline to do. It really is up to you and what you like to do. You don't have to tell everyone you meet or anyone that you are trans. Go on and live your life the way it should be. Stop thinking about yourself as trans, it is a waste of time.
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Annwyn

Quote from: Nichole on July 01, 2008, 12:00:52 PM
Are there just the binary choices? Deep stealth or out? Or could there be some middle-ground here?

I agree on the middle ground part.  There's no reason most of us can't be highly active for trans rights without being openly transsexual or harry benjamin syndrome.

After all, the purpose isn't to sell your story for sympathy.  The purpose of activism is to force the realization on the population that they are severely mistreating a minority group either through bigotry or ignorance or a combination of both and it needs to stop.

Anyone can make that their mission, it doesn't just have to be transsexuals that speak up for themselves.
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sneakersjay

One of the guys I met who has been hugely responsible for pointing me in the right direction jokes that he's the most out stealth guy there is.  On the one hand he's helpful to transpeople, he consults with businesses when employees come out (education), he guest lectures at a university, and he's helped train therapists on gender issues.  On the other hand in his personal life, he's stealth for the most part, it's on a need to know basis.  He says it works for him because rarely do his two worlds collide.

I envision something similar for myself.  If I stay in my current location, deep stealth isn't an option as I have to come out at work.  OTOH I own property I want to retire on in an area of the country that probably isn't very trans-friendly, but it is far enough away from here where I could be stealth for the most part.

In my daily life I don't want to wear the I'm Trans! tee shirt.  OTOH I'm not ashamed of it, but I don't think that I need to tell everyone I meet.

Jay


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Drik

I dont feel the need to tell everyone I meet that Im not cisgendered,
but I have no problems outing myself in an activist setting. I am, and will always be, an activist. Gender and sexuality are my passions (or two of them). Maybe its different for me since I'm genderqueer, asexual, sexradical and not heteroemotional? Most transwomen I know (and I only know them because we're members of the same organization or I got to know them before they decided to go stealth) live stealth. Some of them even live so stealth that they are having fake periods. Most transmen I know dont wish to live stealth and most of them are transactivists . :p
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Jeannette

Deep stealth or activist?

Make it your choice!
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Drik

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Hypatia

I am not "transgender-identified"--I'm woman-identified. Many people assume that I must "identify as transgender." No, I do not. I identify as a woman. Transsexualism for me is an affliction that I've dealt with; it cannot be an identity. I'm open about the fact that I'm transsexual, same as I would be if I were a cancer survivor, but I don't want to call attention to it or make it the core focus of my life. I simply live my life as a woman and I don't wear transsexualism on my sleeve. I'd really like to get past the whole complex about being "trans" and just get down to living my life like anyone else.

I've never considered going "deep stealth," it seems more trouble than it's worth. If anyone clocks me as trans, so be it. I won't deny it if anyone asks, though I prefer not to bring up the subject. I hope by my attitude showing that it's no big deal, more people will get the idea that we're just folks. I really want nothing more than to assimilate into regular female society.

I also participate in LGBT activism. I'm bi with lesbian tendencies, so that alone is enough to get me involved. Even if I were straight, I'd still be an activist for gay equality, just because it's the right thing to do. Likewise, even if I were cisgender, I'd still be an activist for transgender rights. I got involved in LGBT activism actually more because of lesbian issues. But I see LGBT as a solidarity so I'm in it for transgender rights too. I belong to LGBT, lesbian, or general women's groups rather than specifically transgender groups. When I went to one LGBT conference, they had a women's circle and a transgender group. I spent all my time in the women's group, which shows where my life is aligned. For me it isn't about being trans, it's about being a woman. Transsexualism is just the route by which I arrived at womanhood, the long way around.
Here's what I find about compromise--
don't do it if it hurts inside,
'cause either way you're screwed,
eventually you'll find
you may as well feel good;
you may as well have some pride

--Indigo Girls
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Kate

Quote from: Maggie Kay on July 01, 2008, 11:49:02 AM
Can I get comfortable in a march being such a private person?

A very personal decison, but as others have said, there's a lot you can do without "outing" yourself everywhere you go. Heck, even if you DID go march somewhere with a "I am a transsexual!" banner stuck to your forehead, would it have any effect on your normal life back home? Assuming you took the banner off of course, lol...

For me though, I'll be leaving it all behind soon. I have to. My intention from the very beginning wasn't just to "live as a female," it was also to eradicate the GID, to not obsess about it anymore. To "fix" things, drop the subject entirely, and get back to a "normal" life. At this point, I'm the only one obsessing about this all anymore... the people in my life are waaaaay over it and bored with me now, lol. For me, to be an activist fighting for TS rights (or even for women's rights in general) would still have me obsessing on GID and gender, and after 44 years of it... I need a break, lol.

The catch though is I LOVE you people! You're the darn most interesting, compassionate and insightful people I've ever met. Plus the subject itself IS fascinating on it's own, regardless of my personal interest in it. And I keep seeing new people join, saying the things I said, going through what I went through, and I SO badly wanna always say, "I know how you feel..." and hold their hand. But it's almost TOO much anymore, like watching a flood you can't stop...

~Kate~
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sneakersjay

Quote from: Kate on July 02, 2008, 10:47:22 AM
And I keep seeing new people join, saying the things I said, going through what I went through, and I SO badly wanna always say, "I know how you feel..." and hold their hand. But it's almost TOO much anymore, like watching a flood you can't stop...

~Kate~

I am one who is grateful for your help, and already I can see how far I've come in my journey when new people arrive also.

QuoteMy intention from the very beginning wasn't just to "live as a female," it was also to eradicate the GID, to not obsess about it anymore. To "fix" things, drop the subject entirely, and get back to a "normal" life.

This is my goal also, as all I've ever wanted was to live life as ME.  I'm not sure where I'll land exactly when I come out the other side.

Jay



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Maddie Secutura

I want to be as stealth as I can get.  My biological history shall be available on a strictly need to know basis.  Just because I was born a certain way doesn't mean everyone needs to know about it.


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SarahFaceDoom

My trans status is something I really only think about when society brings it up to me.  My friends never bring it up, so I just don't think about it that often.  And when I do, I try not to be bothered by it.  I just try to laugh, and keep a smile about anything like that.  I have other goals in my life that don't have anything to do with my gender status.
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joannatsf

#16
There is a middle ground between stealth and out & loud activist.  I don't scream and carry on at demonstrations, though I have shown up for some.  My activism consists of giving my time and energy to help trans people.  I serve on a committee that advises university administrators on trans issues.  Part of our organization is a Medical Center.  We advise on educating MDs and nurses about the trans people they will see as patients.  I volunteer to be a mentor to trans people seeking work.  I allowed myself to become a model for legal gender change for non-ops.  I do things that help the community but I don't stand on any soap boxes.


Quote from: Kate on July 02, 2008, 10:56:17 AMMy intention from the very beginning wasn't just to "live as a female," it was also to eradicate the GID, to not obsess about it anymore. To "fix" things, drop the subject entirely, and get back to a "normal" life.



What normal life would you be getting back to?  What is normal?

It's been my experience that one can't go back to much of anything after a major life change or experience.  I'm a pre-op transplant patient.  I have a set of problems that I've learned to deal with.  You wouldn't know to look at me I have a severe illness.  One day this life I've made will start to unravel.  Then I'll have the surgery and by grace of the Goddess, survive it.  Will my life return to normal?  No.  I'll have another different set of problems to deal with.  Besides the physical problems I've been permanently changed by the experience.  Even if I could return I doubt it would make me happy.  I'm not the same person.
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Janet_Girl

I am nether, but I am leaning more to Activist.  Basically because I have this feeling that I will be one with Lowe's.   Not that I am going to have to fight for my rights, but because I have not found anything in the company's policy regarding transition or gender identity.  This maybe new ground for them,  especially when it comes to MtF.  Especially being that the whole customer service thing.  They may have issues in that department and I will have to show them that most customers probable not care as long as their needs are met.

I am sorry gentlemen but I think you guys may have an easier time than us ladies.  Some of us girls need breast forms, wigs hip pads and butt pads ( at least I do ), and makeup that may be a little too heavy ( Not me Thank God ). 

In my private life I guess you could say I am stealth.  I don't go to gay bars or pride parades, although I do have a few Trans friends I know that I would not mind spending some more time with .  I just want to live as a woman, a run-of-the-mill woman.  No one special except may be to one special guy.  I only come out as needed.

If I happen to be put in the limelight then I will have to become more vocal about issues. I appreciate all that the GLBT community does for us and me in particular regarding rights and freedom for discrimination.

My Humble Opinion,
Janet
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Kate

Quote from: Claire de Lune on July 02, 2008, 05:23:59 PM
Quote from: Kate on July 02, 2008, 10:56:17 AMMy intention from the very beginning wasn't just to "live as a female," it was also to eradicate the GID, to not obsess about it anymore. To "fix" things, drop the subject entirely, and get back to a "normal" life.
What normal life would you be getting back to?  What is normal?

"Normal" for me is a life free of obsessing about gender 24/7. The actual subject of GID may not be a mental illness, but for me, the *obsession* it spawned kinda was. Everything I did, every thought I had since birth was appended with a "yea but, you should be doing this as a girl" parasitical qualifier. I've never been entirely *present* in this lifetime because of that, neither for myself OR for other people (especially my wife), as everything... and I do mean EVERYthing... got translated first through the filter of, "what does this mean for my GID?" before getting through to me.

Just as battle-worn war veterans often have trouble letting go of fighting once home, I'm aware of the temptation within myself to transfer my personal GID war to the world at large just to continue having someone or something to fight. After all, after four decades, it's pretty much all I know how to do.

But I ain't gonna. No more fighting. I'm takin' my lemonade and finding a nice cool spot in the shade to kick back and enjoy the autumn years of my life ;)

~Kate~
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Drik

Quote from: Janet Lynn on July 02, 2008, 07:19:45 PM
I am sorry gentlemen but I think you guys may have an easier time than us ladies.  Some of us girls need breast forms, wigs hip pads and butt pads ( at least I do ), and makeup that may be a little too heavy ( Not me Thank God ). 

But then again, you ladies will (if you choose to have SRS) have a (almost) fully functioning female genitalia. I mean, girls can live stealth for their entire life, even for their partner(s). How is it possible to live stealth when your genitalia looks 1) female with a very large clit (effects of T) 2) like a really small dick but without sperm coming out (metoidplasty) or 3) like a normal sized penis, but very unrealistic? Ok, so many of you girls have a problem with body hair and stuff.. but yeh. I dont think its easier for the guys. On the other hand, passing, outside.. on the street might work. Once you go to a place where you have to take of your clothes (locker rooms etc) then its harder for the guys.
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