Quote from: Shelina on October 04, 2009, 10:55:18 AM
Share your experiences and thoughts on suicide please.

I seriously contemplated suicide for quite some time, but never truly attempted.  I did used to cut, some of them pretty deep that I still have scars, but I was never really trying to kill myself.  I haven't seriously thought about it or self injured since 2007 though

As for my current thoughts.. I don't think suicide is ever the answer, but I don't judge those who do commit suicide

(Not directed at anyone, just saying, that sayings usually aren't enough.)What's the answer to keep people from killing themselves? Is it a matter of saying "suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problem", or maybe it's "suicide is the cowards way out", or maybe "if you don't care about yourself, think of the people you leave behind", surely one of these qoutes will help your self esteem, & give us hope & inspiration. Personally, I saw Slash turn his guitar over in 86, "f everyone". Ya that's been a little more inspirational for me to live.   

It's something I liked to fantasize doing when upset, but only ever really thought about it once several years ago. Wished I could do it, knew I couldn't. I wanted to live too bad, I just wanted to escape the pain of the time (unrelated to trans issues).

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Post Merge: October 10, 2009, 12:50:40 AM

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Quote from: Bellaon7 on October 10, 2009, 12:47:28 AM
What's the answer to keep people from killing themselves? Is it a matter of saying "suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problem", or maybe it's "suicide is the cowards way out", or maybe "if you don't care about yourself, think of the people you leave behind", surely one of these qoutes will help your self esteem, & give us hope & inspiration. Personally, I saw Slash turn his guitar over in 86, "f everyone". Ya that's been a little more inspirational for me to live.   

For me, the best deterrent was being afraid I'd miss out on something if I went through with it. You know, what if I would have become a millionaire. 

Then you could marry a beautiful girl like me & spend the rest of your life spoiling me!

I'll call & raise a "tell me more about my eyes"!

Quote from: Bellaon7 on October 10, 2009, 12:47:28 AM
What's the answer to keep people from killing themselves? Is it a matter of saying "suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problem", or maybe it's "suicide is the cowards way out", or maybe "if you don't care about yourself, think of the people you leave behind", surely one of these qoutes will help your self esteem, & give us hope & inspiration. Personally, I saw Slash turn his guitar over in 86, "f everyone". Ya that's been a little more inspirational for me to live.   

That's the thing, they don't.
They give more guilt.
Make you feel more like you're not really able to talk about it.
Make you feel like you're somehow just weak or unreasonable, and so on.

Quote from: Bellaon7 on October 10, 2009, 12:47:28 AM
What's the answer to keep people from killing themselves? Is it a matter of saying "suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problem", or maybe it's "suicide is the cowards way out", or maybe "if you don't care about yourself, think of the people you leave behind", surely one of these qoutes will help your self esteem, & give us hope & inspiration. Personally, I saw Slash turn his guitar over in 86, "f everyone". Ya that's been a little more inspirational for me to live.   

That is so true, I had a friend commit suicide last year because he was in bad way. If he'd reached out or struggled on, the temporary problem would have passed and I'm sure he would have been ok. Unfortunately suicide is permanent. The feelings that all those close to him went through is something I'd never want to put my friends and family through.

Personally, I've often thought that suicide would be the easiest solution to what I'm going through, but to be honest I generally enjoy living and don't want it to end.

Quote from: Bellaon7 on October 10, 2009, 12:47:28 AM
What's the answer to keep people from killing themselves? Is it a matter of saying "suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problem", or maybe it's "suicide is the cowards way out", or maybe "if you don't care about yourself, think of the people you leave behind", surely one of these qoutes will help your self esteem, & give us hope & inspiration. Personally, I saw Slash turn his guitar over in 86, "f everyone". Ya that's been a little more inspirational for me to live.   

Look, I don't mean to be a jerk here, but that's kind of the worst thing to say, at least to someone like myself. I don't blame you, I know you're trying to help, but the thing is most people just don't understand this particular feeling of being trapped by not only the issues (bring trans, growing up abused, even as an adult being expected to emotionally "parent" my parents, etc), but also by the inherent resposibility of being a parent myself and feeling like I've already failed my children so many times and will continue to do so. Your comment of "it's a permanent solution" makes it more enticing, especially since I know that it's not a temporary problem, when "life" is the problem, and navigating it and it's injustices is the hell I'm longing to escape, death very much seems like the only option some days. As for "if you don't care about yourself think of the people you leave behind" the problem with that is that ALL I EVER DO is think of evryone else's feeling and needs, and having someone tell me "think of their feelings" is just another reminder that my feelings, my struggles, don't matter, and I feel trapped by that and want to escape even more, sometimes even if it DOES hurt others because it seems like "maybe someone else can carry the fricken burden for awhile". As far as what it would do to my kids, I don't want to continue to hurt them, but sometimes I think at least this would only be one last way that I'd hurt them, and them I could never fail them again, because I'll be gone for good. They'll have a rough time of it, but they'll come to terms with it in the long run, they'll be raised by "normal" people who won't put them through what me living my life would put them through, and they'll probably be better off overall.

Anyhow, I know I probably sound like a jerk, railing at you for trying to help. Don't take it personally, I'm actually railing at my own life and you just caught some crossfire. Thank you though for trying, I know you mean well.

I probably shouldn't have responded this way, as was mentioned it makes people uncomfortable and you all probably just want me to say "you're right I have so much to live for" and then just shut up and let you all get back to discussing suicide in careful, whitewashed, "surface" terms.

Sorry to interrupt your thread.

James,
I for one appreciate you saying that.
It isn't said enough.

We all know the intent is to help, but the thing is, these things don't help.
It's human nature to want to help, but often enough, the only thing that helps is to allow people to voice their suffering without making them feel judged.

Like I said, the worst part is keeping quiet, and going alone, for the sake of not burdening others.

Quote from: NES_junkie_James on October 10, 2009, 10:28:44 AM
Look, I don't mean to be a jerk here, but that's kind of the worst thing to say, at least to someone like myself. I don't blame you, I know you're trying to help, but the thing is most people just don't understand this particular feeling of being trapped by not only the issues (bring trans, growing up abused, even as an adult being expected to emotionally "parent" my parents, etc), but also by the inherent resposibility of being a parent myself and feeling like I've already failed my children so many times and will continue to do so. Your comment of "it's a permanent solution" makes it more enticing, especially since I know that it's not a temporary problem, when "life" is the problem, and navigating it and it's injustices is the hell I'm longing to escape, death very much seems like the only option some days. As for "if you don't care about yourself think of the people you leave behind" the problem with that is that ALL I EVER DO is think of evryone else's feeling and needs, and having someone tell me "think of their feelings" is just another reminder that my feelings, my struggles, don't matter, and I feel trapped by that and want to escape even more, sometimes even if it DOES hurt others because it seems like "maybe someone else can carry the fricken burden for awhile". As far as what it would do to my kids, I don't want to continue to hurt them, but sometimes I think at least this would only be one last way that I'd hurt them, and them I could never fail them again, because I'll be gone for good. They'll have a rough time of it, but they'll come to terms with it in the long run, they'll be raised by "normal" people who won't put them through what me living my life would put them through, and they'll probably be better off overall.

Anyhow, I know I probably sound like a jerk, railing at you for trying to help. Don't take it personally, I'm actually railing at my own life and you just caught some crossfire. Thank you though for trying, I know you mean well.

I probably shouldn't have responded this way, as was mentioned it makes people uncomfortable and you all probably just want me to say "you're right I have so much to live for" and then just shut up and let you all get back to discussing suicide in careful, whitewashed, "surface" terms.

Sorry to interrupt your thread.

I'm sorry, but do to a lack of clarity on my part you missinterpreted. The point I was trying to make is how useless these trivial sayings are. This is a difficult issue on many levels & a short phrase just isn't enough for most myself included. Sorry again for the confusion, Isabella

The thing is, we can't know what pain someone else is going through, especially if the only way they see out of that pain is to end their Life. Death is part and parcel of Life, The two cannot be separated in this world. We surely see Death glorified enough in our media and in our reality, yet paradoxically everyone seems to think of it as a bad thing.

But Death gives us the ultimate perspective, and without it not one of us would be thinking life is so damned precious. It wasn't until I looked Death straight in the eyes, on the same level staring me in the face, and was able to honestly say "I'm not afraid of you," that I finally began to understand the meaning of living. Since then, Death just doesn't seem to hold the power it once did, and killing myself not nearly as urgent.

same difference, really.

*shrugs* Between being in the military and unable to transition and working on a Labor and Delivery ward I got pretty bad. SO bad that I was holding the scissors to my chest and about to drive them. But then I had a thought, that if the male side of me wanted to die then it was time to give the female a chance at it. So now I just say my twin brother is dead, cause in several senses he is.

I don't think a quote or anything makes someone less likely to do it. It didn't for me. Coward's way out? Something better is coming? The worst is telling them to think of those they leave behind. In the darkest hours of depression people arn't thinking about the future, family, or anything really besides the pain they feel. In a way its like telling someone who just got a broken leg and is laying at your feet in tears to buck up and think about when they can go play baseball again. They don't care, they want the pain to go away.

I think the most imprtant thing to do is to kindle a spark of hope in them. Words take no more effort then the breath to speak them. If they see someone trying to lend a hand, they might look up and see the edge of that dark pit they are in, and see a light at the end of the tunnel. Much better then making them feel more guilty and depressed by making them live because of the pain it would cause to others. At that moment they need to be the center of attention to make a net for them to fall into, NOT be locked up.

Sorry, i've had lots of time to think about suicide.

Quote from: Bellaon7 on October 10, 2009, 11:27:35 AM
I'm sorry, but do to a lack of clarity on my part you missinterpreted. The point I was trying to make is how useless these trivial sayings are. This is a difficult issue on many levels & a short phrase just isn't enough for most myself included. Sorry again for the confusion, Isabella

Thanks for the clarification Isabella, and sorry that I misread your words.

And I apologize to everyone else for my "drama" too. I swear I'm not usually all "woe is me", I've just had a really rough couple of weeks, due to a few really upsetting events, and apparently it's brought back up some of my darker feelings. I haven't really mentioned much about it around here, mostly because I didn't want to be all needy, but I guess by my outburst in this thread suggests that maybe I should talk about it. I might start a thread a little later I suppose.

Anyhow, sorry again everyone.

There were 1,5 years between my girlfriend telling her parents, and her parents accepting her for who she was so she could start taking hormones. This was when she was still a teenager, almost a decade ago now. During those 1,5 years, her life was very difficult, as her parents tried everything to keep her from being who she was, going as far as saying things as 'you're just an effimate boy' and 'you can be whatever you want to be inside the house, as long as you keep up your male appearance and personae [the 'facade'] to the outside world'. This worst thing they said, was that, and I quote 'nobody will want you for what you are. You will be alone for the rest of your life if you transition'.

They were basically more concerned with what the 'outside world' would think than with the well-being of their own daughter. Things have much improved since then, but she's never forgiven them for this. Nor should se.

She had a very severe depression because of this, which eventually became suïcidal. She could not be who she was, having to put up a facade all the time. The people who were the closest to her, the only people she had, who she relied on for support, did not understand her, turned her away. They kept her from being herself by actively trying to dissuade her, as they had to give their consent for the transition (she was still underage at the time). Things led from bad to worse. She never did drugs, or knives, or anything of the sort, just getting more and more depressed every day. She started wondering if it made any difference if she were dead. The answer she got back from herself was 'no'.

Eventually, one day, as she was staying in her parent's 10th story appartment, she walked out to the edge of the balcony, looked down and was about to jump. She just didn't care anymore. She stood there for ten minutes, which seemed like an eternity. Eventually though, she turned back. She didn't want it to end that way, there and then.

The week after that, after she'd told her parents about her near-suïcide, they realised how much it meant for her, finally accepted her. Things have gotten much better since. She got out of her depression, transitioned with HRT and SRS.

Now, she can't imagine what it was like, being in that depressed state. But she can still very vividly recall that moment, standing at the edge of the cliff, looking down into oblivion. For her, it was a turning point in her life.