As I spill out my thoughts, things seem to get deeper and deeper. It's not as simple as I thought it would be.

Ever since I was young, i had wished I was a girl. I use to try on my mom's and sister's clothes. Imagined myself like one of them. When dressed, I tried to enact their behavior. As I got older, I started to dress under my regular clothes to get a sense of being a woman. Many times i felt guilty in what I did and at times I still do, but i just cannot live without expressing my feminine side. I tried to stop many times, but it just comes back. In my college years, I met men who treated me like a woman. At the time, it was a lovely feeling, but the guilt kept me away from them. At times, I stopped it completely but it came back in me with a vengeance. Later on I got married, and thought it would go away, but I was wrong. I started it again and frequently i imagined myself as a woman when I was with my wife in bed. At times, she made me realize i was acting weird. What I do with her in bed, although I enjoy, does not really fulfill my desires. Yes, I am attracted to women (sexually as well), but never really imagined myself as a man, rather a girl making love to another girl. and now I know why - because I am a girl deep inside.

Even though I have led my life as a successful man, it's been the girl in me that has made me a sensitive & caring person. I am not at all like the men in my family or work, rather my qualities are very similar to girls around me, at points I think even more... My last post has really helped me in putting my feelings in word.

Now, I do want to explore my life as a woman. I do want to be accepted as a woman, to be addressed as a woman. The need to be recognized as a woman is coming out in me. Until now, it's been dressing up and feeling good about myself. But, now it's not that simple. I want to alter my body to look like a woman, and have started to wish my tool just disappears. I want to work as a woman and have a man in my life who takes care of me who loves me for who I am. But, is it possible - NO! because I have a family, kids and changing myself is going to ruin what all I have worked for. This is where I need help! I have to find a way that I can do to balance both. I know it's hard and many of you are in my position. What have you done to tackle this situation? How have you handled this dilemma?

Thanks all for your support.

Natalie.

Natalie,

     I have been there and felt your pain, as have many of us here.

     I lived the guilt and the shame for far too long.  I got to the point where I just couldn't do it any more and it seems you feel you are reaching that point yourself.

     The next thing you need to do is find a therapist with experience in gender issues, or Gender Therapist (GT).  The GT will help you sort out the issues in your head and help you deal with them in the manner that's best for you.  We're all a little different and no one can tell you what's right for you.

      There's a lot of help here and just writing out your thoughts, as you did here, can be quite theraputic.  You don't have to continue to live in pain, there is help available.

Natalie, If you value your family and love your wife, then you have at some time to discuss how you feel with her. Some wives are accommodating, but it is never easy. The ideal is if you can, as some do, stay together in a partnership. Only you can do this and it takes guts to come out, but she may have suspisions. Before you do anything, you have to make your mind up whether you can live the rest of your life as a female and be realistic as to how you will appear to others as a female. Will you pass, or will you always look like a rugby forward in a frock. Acceptance depends a lot on appearance.

The way I did it was to keep my wife involved in every aspect of my transition. She went to all my counseling sessions. She attended a group session with me, she met with all my doctors and she was a part of every decision. I never tried to leave her behind in this.

Whatever you do, take your time in this and make your decisions very deliberately and slowly.do this in small managed steps to make sure whatever decision you are making is a manageable one.this isn't a race to the finish line, if you decide to do this it is a change of life.

This is where many of us get side-tracked - we get caught up in life, we try to "fit" in, we often marry and have families. In my case at least, I side-tracked dealing with this in a meaningful way until recently, and I'm 65. I gained nothing by not "maning up" (sorry, but it is an applicable phrase) and dealing with it. Of course there are fears from facing this head on: loss of your spouse, your family, your friends, your job, all these are real challenges. Joyce is right about a therapist, and right about one that has experience in gender issues. Until you face the first challenge, admitting the problem, wanting to do something about it, then doing something about it, it will eat you alive. You will be in the same position or worse, but will have used up more time, every one's. And you will still be in the exact same situation - but older.

I must envy Karynm8621; make no mistake, she is an example of the best possible outcome, with a spouse that accepts, and is fully involved. Mine mostly accepts, but reluctantly. We are still together but she wanted or wants no involvement in my process. That puts me in the middle of possible marriage outcomes.

Do not be in a hurry to make irrevacable moves before you are ready for the possibilites. But one thing is for sure, until she is involved, you do not know where you are.

Susan Kay

Hi All,

Thanks to all of you, who have taken the time to reply to my post and help in my situation. I know, the best solution would be to tell wife and see how she takes it. Well, she did catch me once dressed and to be honest, it did not come out well and it took a lot of effort from my side to clear things up. At that time, I just felt like ending it, but other people who matter to me are also involved. So, for sure she is not someone who will take this.

Sometimes, I just feel like just going away somewhere and forget everything and start a new life, but then it's taking a big step especially when I have never really experienced life as a woman. I know from inside I am a woman, but I want to explore it. I have at times and it's been a cherished moment in my life. But, i want to do it more but feel guilty that I am cheating my family. The guilt does not let me take any actions and I am back to the same place. Frustrated and hating to lead life as a man. I know, god's given me a man's body but I just feel I should have been a woman.

I do want to take time (2-3 times a week) dress and lead life as a woman. Have any one you ever lead a double life before coming out and making the transition? I need some guidance in doing so. Unforunately, there are no GTs near my area and that is making thngs even harder.

Thanks All.
Natalie

Hi Natalies,

Sorry your circumstance is so awkward.  Secretive 'cross dressing' to hide your thoughts and needs from your wife will probably lead to discovery.  How will you explain it then? When you decide that you cannot live with a hairy body, what will you do? As you get older your production of testosterone will decrease giving your brain another kick to want to be herself. How will you deal with that? Sorry if this is not helpful and just leads to more frustration, but you have to start thinking of what you are going to do. Many others in many threads have noted that there is no cure. There is either accept that you cannot be yourself and try and live with it, or be your self. The negative part of being in Susan's family is meeting woman who have accepted, I will qualify that by saying it is not in any way easy.

Cindy

Honey, let me ask you a question. It's something you've mentioned a few times now and I'm curious about what you mean.

What do you think you're cheating your family about? Where does the guilt come from?

You are right Cindy .. it's not at all easy.

I have been wanting to explore my innerself for many years now - at tmes i was scared, at times I felt guilty, at times I tried to stop the thought. But, at the end - it's all just piling up. The need now is more and more. I am starting to loose my concentration at other things in life because my mind is revolving around this at all times. Yes, the more I hide my innerself, the need to come out is so much more.

I have to get over the guilt feelings and go out and explore the woman inside me. Be it just once a week to start, but it needs to come out. The way I am seeing it now is - maybe because I have hid it for so many years, I just have the need to explore my inner self, and once i feel it, I may not really want it (could just have been a fantasy that needed to be lived) and I'll be happy as a man. Or, i will find true happiness in being a woman (because I feel I am leading a false life) and at that time I will choose what's best for me. Either way, I'll be happy.

Am i right in thinking like this? what do you ladies feel about it?

Natalie.

What do you think you're cheating your family about? Where does the guilt come from? Well, my parents think of me as a man who is a good son. My wife thinks of me as a man who is there to take care of her and family's future. But, in real I am a girl from inside who feels the need to be accepted as a woman. Who needs a man to take care of her. I have met men in recent times and I feel guilty about what I have done and feel like i have cheated them.

Quote from: natalies on May 16, 2011, 06:06:04 AM
Well, my parents think of me as a man who is a good son.

What does that mean? Being a good son?

And this:

Quote from: natalies on May 16, 2011, 06:06:04 AM
My wife thinks of me as a man who is there to take care of her and family's future.

Taking care of their future, what does that involve (I don't mean specifically, I mean more generally)?

Sorry for all the questions, I'm just interested to hear what you think.

thank you for helping me figure out Sephirah.

Well, I come from a conservative family where a man is a man and a woman is a woman. there's nothing in between. If there is, then it's wrong.

My parents think of me as a son, and if they find out that I am not really a man that they think of me to be, it will not go well with them and the repercussions could be severe. In terms of my wife - she looks at me like a man who is a good husband and a good father. If she finds out that I am not really a man that she thinks of me to be - it will not be good.

What I feel: Though I know deep down inside i am a woman (just saying that makes me happy), I have not really explored it. At times, I feel it's only a feeling that will go away, but these days it just seems to pile up and get worse and worse. And because of the guilt that is in me, I am not able to explore it. I feel that it's time I have to let it out and figure out what i really am. Either way, it's going to be a positive thing for me.

thanks again for your support.

Natalie.

Okay, last questions from me, and they're not ones you have to answer, but more something for you to think about.

These images that those close to you have built of you. Do you believe that you would be any less of a good parent to your children, or any less of a committed partner to your wife, or any less of a loving child to your parents, if you were actually a woman rather than a man?

How much of your family's view of you is based on the fact that you're a man, and how much based on the fact that you're you?

Your question got me thinking, but yes I have answer for you.

Coming from a conservative family, they love me for who I am but at the end of the day to them I am a man. As I said earlier, if you are  man, you are a man - that's it. If you think you are a woman - something is wrong with you.

And if I come up to them and tell them who i am - it's like changing the complete foundation. and I know it will be unacceptable. So, if I choose the path of a woman, I have to be ready to part from everyone.

sounds harsh and rough, but unfortunately that's my reality.

Natalie.

It sounds like you believe (and probably rightly so) that your family does not or cannot separate their perception of you as a man from their perception of you as a person. Not uncommon at all. People need a framework to fit themselves within and live their lives from. Very few people are able to live with little social framework. It's a species thing.

I can't solve your situation, but can relate a bit to it. I am fairly sure I am not a woman inside, but firmly feel I am something between male and female inside. Having done the herbal breast growth thing for almost 2 years now, my exterior is now also between the two. It helps in some ways, causes problems in others. I am not so changed that anyone says anything to me, and I don't dress female in public. Well, sometimes undies underneath but not that anyone other than my wife knows about. ;-)

But with regards to family, it gets relatively simple for me. My wife is aware of my predilection for this and has known for most of the years we have been married (over 25 is all I'll say). No-one else knows as far as I know. My mother confronted me on the topic when I was early in my teen years, I denied it to her and the topic never came up again. I think she would be accepting of it, it would kill my father. My wife reluctantly accepts my unusual aspects but neither encourages or participates in it. I really can't say about my kids, they are young adults and I'm unsure of what it would mean to someone in their generation. I don't believe it would be a major issue for them as long as it didn't intrude into their lives.

That's my framework. If changing it would mean losing my wife, I would rather find a tall building and dive off it. No ifs ands or buts. I love her and our life together far more than my own life. End of story. Everyone else in my life, I could probably over time handle changing my relationship with if they were determined to change it, because in the end that is how the rest of life's relationships go imho.

I don't know if you find that supportive and helpful or not. But it's my contribution for better or worse.

Quote from: natalies on May 16, 2011, 02:53:00 AM

I do want to take time (2-3 times a week) dress and lead life as a woman. Have any one you ever lead a double life before coming out and making the transition? I need some guidance in doing so. Unforunately, there are no GTs near my area and that is making thngs even harder.

Thanks All.
Natalie

Yup, for a lot of us in transition there's a period of living dual. For me work was male and the rest of my life female until I had everything set for full-time. It messed with my head really bad going between both..

Being Trans is not a lifestyle, or a decision. It is a physiological disorder (GID). Your behaviors and actions are symptoms of this disorder, accordingly, it will never go away. I have tried on many occasions to do so myself. My boyfriend of 2 years has a life goal of starting a family, and transitioning is probably going to ruin our relationship. However, I realized that I have a problem, and I need help. I know that it's very hard, and that you love your family and success, who wouldn't? Though, I would suggest when the time is right (or when you can no longer bare the suppression) go ahead and see a counselor. Hopefully your family should understand, as it is out of your control. That's part of what annoys me about the reactions of families and parents, ext. If we were schizos or had DID or something, they wouldn't put up this kind of fight.

This may not help as much as what others have said, but according to me, the first step into determining what to do and when to do it is to see a professional. For me, at least, it was the best thing I did. I have seen a couple psychologists and a psychiatrist, but there is a big variety of people who can help you. If you live in a big city, there might even be a gender-disorder specialist therapist near you.

That being said, about your kids, family and life overall... It sure does appear to be a big dilemma and I would be in a very bad situation trying to help you through this as I don't even have a relationship I can call as such, but... The one thing I know is that some people have transitioned successfully and are happy with their spouse and children.

It is possible. Be courageous !

Quote from: natalies on May 16, 2011, 07:43:31 AMIf you think you are a woman - something is wrong with you.

But that's the thing- something IS wrong with you, and the problem is very likely not going to get any better until you address it.  Ignoring it never works, it only makes it stronger.  Many of us have to reach the point where finding that peace within, being cured and letting our true lights shine becomes far more important than anything anyone else is going to think about it.  This is because even if others cannot understand why or what we are doing, we know it is literally no less than trying to save ourselves from utter self-destruction.  There can be no guilt or shame in that.

Your situation will be unique, and this is why finding a good gender therapist is so important.  It may be difficult to find one, in fact there's hardly anything at all easy about transitioning your entire life, because EVERYTHING will change.  So it really boils down to the questions of what can you live with, and what are you willing to do in order to get better?  Those are not easy questions, but from what you've told us the way things are now isn't working for you.  I wish you the best of luck in your journey of discovery.

All of you have been very supportive. Yes, finding a good therapist would be excellent, but the search is still on for someone in my area. What's even frustrating is life is starting to become a pain for me. Same work, same times, no time for myself. Just busy in working for family and fulfilling their needs.

In this state of mine, i have met a really nice guy who has been asking me to spare just a day with him as a woman. I met him once and he called me "a beautiful girl". I just loved it and he really made me happy. But, now meeting him has become a problem as the guilt has taken over. I feel if i meet him, I am cheating my wife and that again stops me from going forward. He has a place of his own and wants me to spend a day with him (watch movies, go out shopping, eat, and just spend time together).

I just don't know what to do.

Natalie.