Now, I don't know for sure where exactly do I fall in the TG spectrum, but I do know is that I have a problem accepting myself as being transgender and that I have the right to be and present as a woman even if I'm not sure.  Because of the lack of certainty, the lack of support around me, and the difficulty of transitioning, my mind finds it more easy to deny that I'm transgender or that this is some dream.  I watch TV and see other cisgendered people and desire to be accepted by them, and fear that I will not, that also aids in me denying me being transgender, because being accepted by them, I can do a lot of good things in society.  I have all these goals for my life and feel at times like being transgender could threaten them all.  I also fear losing my ability to get through comfortably in places.  However, I certainly don't feel happy if I don't accept myself as being transgendered and/or majority female.

I wish though that I could accept myself so that I could feel that I am a valuable person and that my feelings are genuine and that I have a right to pursue this course despite the current and potential future hardships. 

Quote from: Katelyn on July 03, 2011, 05:59:48 PM
Now, I don't know for sure where exactly do I fall in the TG spectrum, but I do know is that I have a problem accepting myself as being transgender and that I have the right to be and present as a woman even if I'm not sure.  Because of the lack of certainty, the lack of support around me, and the difficulty of transitioning, my mind finds it more easy to deny that I'm transgender or that this is some dream.  I watch TV and see other cisgendered people and desire to be accepted by them, and fear that I will not, that also aids in me denying me being transgender, because being accepted by them, I can do a lot of good things in society.  I have all these goals for my life and feel at times like being transgender could threaten them all.  I also fear losing my ability to get through comfortably in places.  However, I certainly don't feel happy if I don't accept myself as being transgendered and/or majority female.

I wish though that I could accept myself so that I could feel that I am a valuable person and that my feelings are genuine and that I have a right to pursue this course despite the current and potential future hardships.

Hey if you can not live this life and be able to help us that would be awsome. If i could have done that i would.

Honey, if I may pose an observation. I don't think it's being or not being transgendered that's actually the underlying issue here. I think the root cause is being unable to accept yourself as an individual, with a place in the world and a voice that has a right to be heard.

It seems from your posts that how other people see you goes a long way towards how you see yourself, and their opinion of you is what you use to gauge your self-worth. You say you can do good things in the world as long as cisgendered people accept you, which suggests that you don't feel able to do the same things by your own merits.

Maybe I'm wrong here, and if so I apologise, but I think the thing holding you back is that you appear to have no real sense of self. It seems like your identity is based upon other people's validation of it.

In order for you to be able to accept yourself as female / transgendered / whichever gender identity you wish to, you first have to accept yourself as a human being, with just as much right to exist, just as much right, and capacity to forge your own path and be happy, as anyone else on this planet. In order to see yourself as a valuable person, you first have to see yourself as a person, then the value will become intrinsically apparent. You aren't an amalgamation of how everyone else sees you, honey, you're a living, breathing individual. Don't let the world define you, you define yourself. Then you can begin to move forward. *hug*

            Hi Katelyn,  I am in a similar boat as you when it comes to acceptance of who I am.  I have and still do judge myself by other people standards.   I am in therpy to overcome this now.   I know if I do beat it it will take some time to do it.  I am not letting it stop me from transitioning though.   I go out dressed and feel better about myself then when I am out and about as a male.   But I still let others define me.     

Quote from: Sephirah on July 03, 2011, 07:26:53 PM
Honey, if I may pose an observation. I don't think it's being or not being transgendered that's actually the underlying issue here. I think the root cause is being unable to accept yourself as an individual, with a place in the world and a voice that has a right to be heard.

It seems from your posts that how other people see you goes a long way towards how you see yourself, and their opinion of you is what you use to gauge your self-worth. You say you can do good things in the world as long as cisgendered people accept you, which suggests that you don't feel able to do the same things by your own merits.

Maybe I'm wrong here, and if so I apologise, but I think the thing holding you back is that you appear to have no real sense of self. It seems like your identity is based upon other people's validation of it.

In order for you to be able to accept yourself as female / transgendered / whichever gender identity you wish to, you first have to accept yourself as a human being, with just as much right to exist, just as much right, and capacity to forge your own path and be happy, as anyone else on this planet. In order to see yourself as a valuable person, you first have to see yourself as a person, then the value will become intrinsically apparent. You aren't an amalgamation of how everyone else sees you, honey, you're a living, breathing individual. Don't let the world define you, you define yourself. Then you can begin to move forward. *hug*

[*hugs*]

I don't know, I've had this since I was very little, at least maybe 5 years old.  I was always so aware of how others thought of me.  I don't know if it was because my mother spanked me when I was very young (which she has denied to me in recent years, but I know otherwise) along with my dad being a lion when angry.  I don't know if it was because I was sensitive and thus easily could be passive.  I refused to learn to ride a bicycle at age six because I thought that I was too old to learn to ride one, because kids that were younger than me seemingly already learned, humiliating me.  I don't know if it's sensitivity or a friggin ego, or if the ego developed at such a young age to mask the low self esteem.

It didn't help that not only was I always the last picked one in P.E. or in groups in school, but that I was bullied for six years starting at age 7, which really tore apart my self esteem, especially because my mom prevented me from fighting back (because I was in the Jehovahs Witnesses at the time and that I was told not to fight back.)  My inability to defend myself contributed to the tearing down of my self esteem, and I moved far away and started fresh in a new school at age 13, but by High School, another tearer of self esteem hit me:  I was living in an upper middle class area, and the high school there was full of overachievers which made me feel stupid compared to the other students who took these AP classes and frequently got GPA's of over 4.0, and I only got a GPA of 2.93 to 3.27.  It didn't help that I'm half Chinese and there were a lot of asian students there and asian students tend to get ridiculously high grades, making me feel like an embarassment to my dad's race.  In addition, I felt bad that everyone around me had romantic relationships except me, and despite my effort to get in a romantic relationship with a girl, my shy feelings were too strong to overcome and I felt so embarrassed at myself for trying to get that girl.

I still hated my inability to defend myself verbally, because others would lie, or throw me curveball answers that I had no idea in answering, because especially before I used to be a slow thinker (compared to others which seemingly thinked and responded at lightning speed).  In addition, I'd get easily scared or my mind would side with the other person and tell me like "they are right, you are guilty" when I really wasn't after taking an objective look at the situation later.  So my mind sided with the bully or the challenger, leading me to feeling alone when going up against other people.   On the internet though, when I first started in 1996, a side of me that was mischevious and provocative came out on the internet to challenge and mock people in a PC vs Console debate forum, and because I had as much time as I could to think and respond to the answers, I actually reveled in getting others angry at me by debating them.  This continued to at least 2003, when I got kicked out of a city forum till I came back only under good behavior.

Even yet again, when I was in college, more things to hurt my self esteem:  seeing students that worked two jobs and were able to get good grades.  For much of my 20's, I felt shame for not having a job and working hard, and felt worthless for it.  I tried to compensate for it by wanting to be an entrepreneur (in Silicon Valley spirit) but I   Even yet another tearer down of self esteem, was that I didn't go to a prestigious university.  I went to Cal State Los Angeles, a state university but a 2nd tier university, and seemingly most people from my high school (as well as people in my dad's family) went to prestigious universities or universities considered higher ranking, like Cal Poly San Luis Obispo, or UC Berkeley.  I graduated with a bachelors degree but I didn't feel proud of it because I felt that others would look me down for not having a university from a higher tiered school.  It doesn't help looking at students from these higher tiered universities making fun and looking down at people from state universities or community colleges.  In addition, I had university professors that ridiculed me when I asked certain questions in class, making me feel like I didn't have freedom to ask questions unless they were "good enough."

I both admired and hated looking at stories of young entrepreneurs already having successful companies and making lots of money, because they make others look stupid because they made success look easy.

I still feel like an embarassment to my dad's family because I'm not a successful professional, which Is why I try not to think about it.

I moved to L.A. in 2003 and even though I still struggled with the job issue when I was in college, I felt Los Angeles to be a more accepting place than the Silicon Valley, because the Silicon Valley was full of snobs and unfriendly people that only cared about you if you had a certain status.  The damage had already been done though, and I haven't been able to feel that kind of freedom and equality in L.A. that others feel. 

Even now with my stock photography business idea that I'm making money out of, I've been struggling to make a sustainable system to be able to get lots of stock photographs put for sale on the internet.  I need to if I want to be successful in it so I can move on to doing something else.

I guess probably I had a reason for sustaining a big ego, because I'd probably resort to the same self hatred, depression, and sadness that other with low self esteem would have.   

So I guess I've struggled for much of my life in being lower in the ladder in terms of natural selection in society.  So why would I believe that I would have a place in this world and a voice that deserves to be heard, especially when I feel like others would get all aggressive on me and push me around and tell me that my voice doesn't have a right to be heard?

Yet there is still a feeling of a fighter deep inside of me, that is fueled by rage, due to all that I've mentally endured in my life.

I think Sephirah is right. The issue seems to be self-acceptance, not GID.
Basically you will have to find some way to learn to care less what others think of you, and accept that you have as much right as anyone else to a share of happiness.  Stop beating yourself up for starters!!

Ok, so the Uni that you got your Degree at wasn't as prestigious as some others. It's still one more than I have! Maybe it indicates that your aren't a pretentious twit like the others? I think you would agree that it's not the qualification that's important, it's what you do with it.  Sounds like your business acumen can't be too bad either if you are actually making a dollar at the moment.  Lots of businesses are struggling  all over, but going broke rapidly .   

Ultimately we can't take it with us, so material success is something of a chimera anyway.  It is nice to be comfortably situated, but do people actually need a second million dollars?  I'd sit back with a glass of wine and take a realistic look at what you have achieved so far after what sounds like a pretty tough childhood and adolescence.  I wouldn't be surprised if you conclude that you haven't done too badly.

Karen.

Isn't this country based though on a perceived meritocracy, that your only worthy if you have this and that achievements, and this and that credentials?  If you don't have a certain level, its like people don't even want to hear what you say.   

The idea in the United States is that people have to pick themselves up by their bootstraps and earn their way in society.  If your not a hard worker, you don't seemingly deserve anything, not even shelter or healthcare.  And at the same time, the rich and the big corporations get massive tax cuts and even get government welfare (in the form of subsidies) to help them make massive amounts of profits.

I've hated this kind of cold blooded, social darwinist thinking in America, but what can I do?  I was born in this country.

Quote from: justmeinoz on July 03, 2011, 11:21:31 PMUltimately we can't take it with us, so material success is something of a chimera anyway.  It is nice to be comfortably situated, but do people actually need a second million dollars?  I'd sit back with a glass of wine and take a realistic look at what you have achieved so far after what sounds like a pretty tough childhood and adolescence.  I wouldn't be surprised if you conclude that you haven't done too badly.

The thing is that I'm half Chinese and east asians suffer from low self esteem in that they feel like they have to do better than everyone else just to be accepted by others, which is why they work very hard to get into prestigious universities and get top jobs, it's purely for image and self worth reasons.  Asians are well known for spending as much money as they can on a luxury car just to look good and successful to others.

Not living in the USA, I can feel free to comment on the shortcomings of your country without the need to feel responsible!     but then we Aussies don't take ourselves too seriously, so you can tell me to get stuffed if you want. anyway, and I won't be offended. 

I could say I thought Asians were  humble, inscrutible and worked their bums off two shifts a day, on a handful of rice , to send money to their families, forgoing all luxuries. Stereotypes are not really helpful because they are not real.  You are you, not a stereotype Katelyn.  Don't sell yourself short.

Well then, as I see it you are faced with a number of choices.
You can follow the path that you have tried up until now, but there will obviously be no changein your situation, or you can go somewhere where the dominant paradigm (been dying to use that!) doesn't apply so strongly. Here? Canada? France?

Or you can simply decide to live your life your way, and make your own little patch of the USA personally comfortable by simply refusing to go along with the way the sheeple think.  Surround yourself with the sort of people you really prefer to associate with, and run your life the way YOU want too.
Sounds easy put like that , but I do realise it can be hard to change the habits of a lifetime.  G***** lived in another country though. It's called the past and they do things differently there.  I'm Karen, and I'm happy living here in the present thank you very much!

Kaz.

QuoteMaybe I'm wrong here, and if so I apologise, but I think the thing holding you back is that you appear to have no real sense of self. It seems like your identity is based upon other people's validation of it.

QuoteYou aren't an amalgamation of how everyone else sees you, honey, you're a living, breathing individual. Don't let the world define you, you define yourself. Then you can begin to move forward. *hug*

I've mentioned this to my mom several times, including when I was arguing with her over my want to transition, that I feel like my male self was the best I could do to put together something that would be acceptable to others.  The current version of that is about 11 years old, put together when I was 17 to 18 years old, designed to help me win over others in business.  I ingrained it in myself pretty intensely. 

What has struck me even when I was "crossdressing" and expressing myself in a female way, was that it was the one thing that I had done purely on my own, without anyone else's knowledge, nor care of anyone else.

I can really relate to your story.  I also had a problem with low self esteem although not as extreme as you.  I was small, not that good at sports, not brilliant, not rich, in a preppy all boys high school full of smart rich kids.  I ended up in a community college going for a two year technical degree which I barely got.  A lot of my class mates are Doctors and Lawyers.  When I graduated I got a crummy job and was living with my parents.  To my parents credit they were always supportive and proud of me even though I was a not super achiever.  Like you I decided a change of location was the answer.  I moved far away.  I thought I could be a different person...new personality...new job.  At first it seem to work.  My new job was much better and I was making much more money but I wasn't at all happy.  I hated the job after awhile.  My personality was the same.  Who can just change their personality?  My self esteem was s**t.  But then I found something I liked to do....And I was good at it.  It became an outlet for my creative side.  I got a lot of positive feedback and it did wonders for my self esteem.  It really changed my life and in time I think it did change my personality.  It made me more confident and outgoing.  And even though it took me 20 years I eventually found a way to make a living at it. 

I don't know if my story will be of any help to you.  But I think this is good advice for anyone.  Find something your good at or find something you like to do.  Try to improve yourself at it every day.  Don't worry about what others think of you or how much you make.  Eventually you'll be successful and more important you'll be happy.  I'm still not brilliant, not hugely rich, I'm still transgendered (the small part is kinda working out when I shop for women's clothes) but I'm really happy.  I know a lot of rich successful people that are not.

Hi Ladies.  Hope you don't mind be replying.  To me, happiness and contentment are not achieved by how much money you make or the material possessions you have.  Yea, there are people out there that believe you have to be more...do more.....but that won't buy you happiness.  Happiness and contentment come from, being your true self.  And as a trans person, that can be a big struggle.
I heard a motivational speaker talking about freedom.  She said, "We are never free as long as we worry about what other people think.  Or, as long as we live our lives to try to please others." 
Going to add one of my favorite quotes by ee cummings.  I carry it in my wallet
"To be nobody but yourself
In a world which is doing it's best night and day,
to make you everybody else,
Means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight
And never stop fighting. 

Why is it unjustified to seek an identity when one has none?  I mean, in the sense of identification with a group.  Everyone seemingly has their own identification, and life is just easier if you have one.  I myself didn't grow up with that benefit, including that I didn't fit in with the asians or hispanics.  Being too unique in this world makes you alone and makes everything a lot more complicated, plus you could end up looking wierd.  I'm a person that has taste, which is why I have a problem with people that try to be too unique and express themselves in such a way that repels others (hint: America's Got Talent), because we all live in a civilization and we don't live in our own bubble, and people as members of a civilization are all interconnected and thus have to be considerate of others. 

If you feel that you have no self-identity, you are not alone by a long way.

I came to the process of transition via a complete mental collapse just on two years ago, and after picking myself up from the floor, realised I had absolutely no self-identity.  I felt like a complete ghost, and had to slowly put myself back together using only what I could  work out was authentically me.  It took several months before I felt confident enough to explore my gender identity.

I realised that the self I had before was effectively a shell to protect me from the attacks of the outside, because I had no idea how to express who I was.  I have now rebuilt myself without any illusions, and am  experiencing levels of contentment I have never known before.   

Karen.

I have to admit I haven't read all of the posts from everyone else yet, but I have been in the same boat as well.  I just recently had a little meltdown myself. I have tried several times in the past to purge myself of all this confusion and accept what hand I have been dealt but have been unsuccessful every time. It is here to stay and while I am married and have a 21 month old daughter, I have finally come to terms with several things: This is very real and nothing anyone does can change it; even if you feel comfortable enough to out to your nearest and dearest, not all of them are going to accept it; I am too old (38 today), and too tall (6' 3" in flats) to ever pass without a butt-load of money that I don't have; sometimes, as in the previous circumstances, an outlet in expression can often be as simple as walking through the women's department at stores in the mall with a GGfriend admiring some fashions and abhorring others or creating a femme Facebook page. MY Facebook page has actually helped me out a lot...I can be whomever I want to be when I'm on my femme's page. All of these things are important in their own right but the key is acceptance...What  you are feeling is real and no one can take that away from you, and you can't make it go away. Both of my identities exist. Even if I were to transition, my male persona is still in there, memories both good and bad, life experiences, also both good and bad. But when I am feeling softer, sexier, creative, sensitive, beautiful...then I (add emphasis) am there. My wife doesn't know that Lana is back. I outed to her and my best friend and his wife many moons ago and it was a disaster. My wife may or may not ever know. I daydream that maybe my daughter (a total  daddy's girl) may someday before she leaves the nest find out about Lana and think it's kinda cool and bring us closer. Selfish? I think not. Anyway, I hope you find solace in something, anything I have said.  Maybe look me up on Facebook...Lana Beckett...after all, social networking is what it's all about, right? I say this to everyone, MY page has really helped me and encourage anyone else to give it a shot.  Hugs, Lana B.

Quote from: justmeinoz on July 03, 2011, 11:21:31 PM
I think Sephirah is right. The issue seems to be self-acceptance, not GID.
Basically you will have to find some way to learn to care less what others think of you, and accept that you have as much right as anyone else to a share of happiness.  Stop beating yourself up for starters!!

I'm still new to this but I know what I have experienced and what I have read I believe that GID can cause this sense of selflessness.  I haven't transitioned and very likely will not for a variety of reasons I have come to terms with recently (see my other posts) but I can relate to her problem of not knowing who you are. I have been going through the same thing for quite some time until recently.  I would like nothing more than to wake up in the morning the woman I believe I am. I'm not saying anyone on here is right or wrong, I am just saying that while we all share something very special, I don't believe it is the same for all of us. We are all our own persons. Respectfully, Lana B.

If this places me in any other category than Transgender because of not Transitioning someone please correct me...

Several ladies have worded it more eloquently. I'm a simple guy who has learned (the hard way) that self esteem is something I have to claim for myself...nobody else can give it to me. To need approval from others is a habit that feels terrible to me when I fall back into it. To not need approval feels great. I got a bunch of crap from the past that can haunt, disturb, puzzle, confuse and bring me down. I don't need that. I need to live right here, right now and let the old stuff heal. I hope you find your answers and thank you for reaching out.

Kaitland , you are who ya is .

With that said . By all means you have a right to the life that YOU wish to live . I nor anyone else has any right to tell you how to live , or in the way that you will live it .

Accepting ones self in this  Multi-facited Transgendered spectrum is complicated . I see some telling me that "THEIR " way is the  "ONLY " one true way . Oh yes , I should mention they Prostituted themselves to have H R T . Gee, I guess that I'm supposed to follow such risky behavior ........... NOT!

I e-mail those who enjoy dressing provocatively and acting in role playing games . Hey, I don't understand all of this , but I should say I'm facinated in educating myself in these senerieros .

Point is , by accepting these desires you posess will allow you to live a fulfilling life . ellen

Quote from: Katelyn on July 03, 2011, 10:57:13 PM
So I guess I've struggled for much of my life in being lower in the ladder in terms of natural selection in society.  So why would I believe that I would have a place in this world and a voice that deserves to be heard, especially when I feel like others would get all aggressive on me and push me around and tell me that my voice doesn't have a right to be heard?

There will always be people at different places on that ladder to you, both higher and lower. Maybe there are even people envious of you and what you've achieved in your life. A lot of folks don't go to college at all. A lot of folks wouldn't know where to start in setting up their own business. Honey, there are people who have to work 15 hours a day in some sweaty, fly-ridden hell-hole just to get something to eat. It's all relative. I'm not trying to make light of what you went through, because those experiences are yours. The point is, when you compare yourself to others, you will always find a way to come up short. Heck, I bet even multi-millionaires compare themselves to other multi-millionaires and feel horrible because they don't have as much money as the person who's the next spot up on the rich list, or they only own 50 cars while Marco Moneybags down the road has 76.

Those who tell you your voice doesn't have a right to be heard... the issue is with them, honey, not with you. Criticism tells a lot more about the critic than the criticised.

Let me ask you a question. When you say you feel bad because of people who do things and achieve things that you didn't... if they hadn't, if their lives had been different, would it have made any difference to the things you did and achieved? Would it have affected how your life turned out? Would your grades have been higher if theirs had been very low?

Honestly, you sound just like me, but replace smart people with "hot people who have sex every day" and you have my whole deal.

Basically, to the OP, channel your depression into creativity or intuitive planning. Choose a career that reflects your personal opinions, interests, and financial goals, no matter how unique or impossible the career may seem. Do whatever it takes to become who you are, even if it is a slow or complex medical process. Always make sure to be polite to others so that no one can blame you for anything. Achieve what makes you happy, and forget any pressures that you truly could give less a hoot about. You are the most important person in your world, wether you realize it now or not, and your family won't be around forever, your highschool won't be around forever (though social skills and patterns that you learn during this time will continue to reflect humanity across the globe), and it doesn't matter how young you are, now is the time to immerse yourself in things that both make you happy and have a chance at making you money. Hobbies often naturally bring more social interaction if your particular hobby has a club, online forum, or meeting. It all sounds like cheesy stuff, but you have to fix your life any way that you can.

However, do not listen to a word of advice about "what" you do to fix your life. Do not let a soul tell you what religion to practice, what career is right for you, what books, films, musics, or video games are right for you, what influences thrive you. You have to decide all these things yourself to even begin to know what future you want for yourself, and quite frankly, if you have family and students breathing down your entire neck, it's time to be the king or queen inside of you. And the beginnings of happiness will only come from knowing who you are, and the latter half of achieving total happiness is achieving the goals that come from discovering yourself. It sounds like you're simply suffering the emotions of a person who has never been allowed to discover their own way, because of either society of family ideals, a lack of opportunities or interest.

No matter wether you have to get confident by listening to Lady Gaga drone on about equality and being yourself, you have to find it in you, or let an outside force influence you, to the point that you know you have willpower and interest in you. You may very well be very ill-accomplished and "dorky and shy" or such right now, but all it takes is finding a place in your world where your interests shine. If you pick your path in life, or pick hobbies or pick interests, you'll always have a following no matter what you pick - even if it's an online forum such as this.