Susan's Place Transgender Resources

When the parents have no respect for their child, then the siblings will have no respect. I was the first born. I was about 2 years old when my first sister was born. She lived for about 12 hours. She was born in the farm house, but had a cleft palate. Born in December, she got pneumonia with her first breath. My mother said she was full term, but was small enough to fit in a shoe box. I suspect that there was some anger toward the older child, being that at 2 years old could not get a jacket on without help so the baby could be taken to the hospital. Within the next year, I was dropped of at an uncle's house while my parents traveled out west for several months. So, it could be said that the age of 3 years, both parents abandoned me.
At some point they return, and when I am about 4, another sister is born, this time in the hospital. My dad gets overly protective, and from someplace comes the idea that the older child will try to murder the younger child. Toys get taken away from me and given to her, the idea being she was crying because I took her toy. It seemed to become my fault if she cried.I was even accused of trying to kill her.
Michelle

I have trouble reading. Earlier this year, I had cataracts removed from my eyes, and inter ocular lenses put in. I also have astigmatism. The problem is that my eyes don't seem to want to work together, and my vision is a bit blurred. If I close one eye, it doesn't matter which one, I have a nice sharp image. I have 20/20 vision wearing glasses with each eye alone, yet together my vision is slightly blurred.
I've heard that estrogen changes the eyes, I don't need much change. Maybe change the brain so both eyes get pointed right, and I get a sharp image with both eyes together. Right now it messes with my depth perception.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 06, 2024, 07:02:34 PMMy dad gets overly protective, and from someplace comes the idea that the older child will try to murder the younger child. Toys get taken away from me and given to her, the idea being she was crying because I took her toy. It seemed to become my fault if she cried.

This sounds like classical projection by your father, bearing in mind you were both so young and because even if you were taking toys from your sister, that's one of the things children that age do, because they aren't grown up enough to have learned otherwise. Without knowing more, at face value, what he was doing was assigning adult motives (i.e. his own) to you, a four year old, when he had responsibility to care for you both along with your mother.

Do you remember this because you were told about it later? If so, by whom, and did they tell you why they told you? It's understandable it has stuck in your mind because a parent has nothing to gain by telling a child that they indulged in childish behaviour when they were younger.

I would say that his behavior continued. Even as an adult I was told to give my wrenches to my brother-in-law for him to use, even though I was using them at the time. The reason given was because he was married to my sister. I had to wait for him to return my tools so I could finish the project on my car.
Question, What did early TV and my dad have in common? Answer, My dad had a badge and a gun.
As a ten year old, I do not realize my dad does not have the power, as he said he did, that when he felt like it, he could take me to the sheriff's office and I could spend the night in jail.
I think I had the term, my dad was not interested in the real truth, he just wanted verification that my sister was telling the truth. When my cousin was injured, I was not allowed to say anything in my defense. He told me how it happened. He told me I threw the hay fork, that if it would have been 2 inches higher, she would have died. I was practically crying because the whole story was a lie. I also had marks on my legs. I will never know if my sister told him the story, or if he came to his conclusion on his own.
Michelle

Something like 30 years ago, I decided to get parts for my Harley Sportster. My mother decided to go along, and she wanted to go to a fleet store. After driving 50 miles we get to the fleet store. We probably spent a couple hours there. The Harley dealer was all the way across St. Cloud. On the way my mother saw the Massey Ferguson dealer and had to stop there. I think she spent a couple hours talking to the owner. Anyway, it was quitting time when we left. I never did get my Harley parts. I believe she intentionally wasted time so that I could not get my parts. And I never got another opportunity to get to the Harley dealer. It has been over 30 years since I rode the Sportster. Currently it sits on a trailer in a storage unit 30 miles away, and the car I'm currently driving does not have a trailer hitch.

I was watching a video by Dr. Z, and she described a person that on the surface is ok with someone being transgender but then sets conditions. That sounds like my mother. She insisted that I needed to live there for her safety. I would be there in case there was an emergency.
Earring were ok since men did wear earrings. In fact she told everyone that I had earrings in both ears because I didn't know which ear meant straight.
There wasn't much said about women's panties in my laundry, after all they would be hidden by my clothes. The same for a bra. I even wore a tank top while working on my pickup.
Wearing women's jeans would be ok since the only difference between women's jeans and men's jeans is how they are cut. you cant tell the difference just by looking at them. I do have one pair that buttons in the opposite direction.
Shirts are the same, just a different cut, and buttons in the opposite direction.
Bumps under my shirt are ok since I had no choice, they just grew there. Although, I did cheat a bit, and was wearing breast forms in my bra.
I had started coming out at work, not much of a coming out as I did not wear any makeup or lipstick, and had clear polish on my nails. Some busy body at work started a rumor about how I had talked to her about getting a sex change. My mother heard the rumor and there was a discussion. I was told I better think about it for a long time. Not much changed until I happened to get caught wearing a woman's ring, and my mother slapped my face.
Not even the Halloween costume caused any problems, and I was wearing high heels.
(https://scontent-ord5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/361284348_102285739616698_5725315557499544957_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=cc71e4&_nc_ohc=Fud4l9xMlXIQ7kNvgH8paoc&_nc_ht=scontent-ord5-1.xx&_nc_gid=Ai0TEnzb3ylxOACOhk5SpYJ&oh=00_AYAuJZJWsh5gWfaB8-8F82evu9iQ00SrTA1ejLXShvT3QQ&oe=670A5794)

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 07, 2024, 04:17:49 PMI would say that his behavior continued.

That must have felt incredibly unfair - like whatever you did, you couldn't win. I'd hazard a guess that your father's father was difficult too?

My Dad's Dad, I often wonder how many generations back this type of behavior goes. My dad would say he was abused, and then claim he never abused me.

I am down to a few weeks until my first endocrinologist appointment. At the moment it looks like I will have to drive for 2 hours to get there. The referral was to be at a clinic that was a hours drive away. However the doctor also works at a hospital that is 2 hours away. I am a first time patient there, and my first appointment is 1.5 hours. The benefit I get is that Veteran's health care pays for everything. I need to check if they also pay for transportation.
The thing is I also have a provider in the local clinic, and I understand I have a gender dysphoria diagnosis there.

I understand estrogen will cause a craving for pickles, so I guess I better get a couple jars of pickles when I get my estrogen. I wonder if pickled herring or pickled beets count. Then there is(are?) pickled eggs. I seem to remember pickled eggs where the outside was red. Currently I get a daily dose of 1 teaspoon of apple cider vinegar in a glass of water. Chug it down with a clean water rinse. The vinegar is part of a liver cleansing routine.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 08, 2024, 10:15:38 PMThe benefit I get is that Veteran's health care pays for everything. I need to check if they also pay for transportation.

Yes, the VA will reimburse you for medical travel expense. I think it is a standard mileage rate. If they arranged the appointment for you, they may already have reimbursement ready for after you go to the appointment. But double-check in case they need you to fill out any forms.

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 08, 2024, 10:15:38 PMMy Dad's Dad, I often wonder how many generations back this type of behavior goes. My dad would say he was abused, and then claim he never abused me.

I doubt your grandfather was the origin of it because abuse often ripples through families as each generation learns subconsciously from the last - it likely goes further back, even. Each new generation of abusers 'rationalises' their behaviour by pinning the blame for their actions on their targets, usually claiming that something their target did justified the aggression. That excuses the abusers from having to confront what they have done.

Often, that 'something' is behaviour which raises the emotional temperature. That triggers the abuser, who has grown up in a situation where their parents did unpredictable things if there was a rise in emotional temperature. Since kids are all about emotions in the wild, being a normal kid in the care of a parent like that is a nightmare because the rules aren't clear and the world seems random. Responses to going through abuse can include becoming an anxious questioner of whether friendships or love are true, or at the extreme, becoming almost allergic to emotion of any description (because the subconscious is saying retribution is coming now) and avoids them for fear of the scary results.

While that's no excuse whatever for what your dad did, it will be why it happened. Understanding the mechanism and talking through it helps a lot of people to see themselves in an entirely new way and like themselves much more.

I think both parents at some time made the statement that girls never lie and boys never tell the truth. In the case of my sister, my dad said she has no reason to lie. My dad's older brother would lie to get him into trouble, therefore, the older brother of my sister would lie to get her in trouble. It seems it never occurred to him that it was the other way around. My sister would write on walls and sign someone else's name and watch as the other person got yelled at. Like the tv shows, my sister couldn't wait to tell my dad something that would get me into trouble. And each story would increase the mistrust my dad had for me.

Oops, where did that thought come from? The idea that I should grow a pair. And he did not have the courage to tell my mother that he was the one who took her coins from her jewelry box. I did grow a pair(of breasts), and that confuses the issue. I see, or watch videos of these transgender females saying they wished the would wake up and be a girl. Yes, I know what it is like to be misgendered. Trying to live as a male and my female shape gives me away.
Michelle

There once was a time that my brother-in-law thought my dad was very honest. He told me that I had no right to treat my dad the way I did. I think he took my dad at his word, that he never abused me, like his father abused him. Not only did my dad take the coins from my mothers jewelry box, but he had also taken the coins from my jewelry box. I discovered the coins in my dad's safe after he died.
My dad had actually made the statement "What's mine is mine, what's yours is mine, what's mine is not yours."
Using that statement, by proxy he won the roller skates. By proxy his mother gave him that telephone.
I found my knife that disappeared in his desk drawer. I found my paper dolls that disappeared when I was a child, in his workshop.
Michelle

Landscape Arboretum, that's where the wedding was that day. I keep saying how I got up and was told that I am driving my grandma to a wedding. What I did not mention was that I was outdoors around the trees when the bride came along. I'm sure she saw me, but she just lifted her dress and adjusted her garter. I may have been wearing a leisure suit and was clean shaven, so it might have been possible I was mistaken for a girl.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 09, 2024, 04:22:24 PMI think both parents at some time made the statement that girls never lie and boys never tell the truth

It sounds as if you've thought about that statement a lot, reading what you've said further down. What kind of feelings does it bring up in your mind? Literall, just write them down the moment they flash into consciousness - don't give them time to blur or let yourself think around them.

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 09, 2024, 06:15:02 PMThere once was a time that my brother-in-law thought my dad was very honest. He told me that I had no right to treat my dad the way I did. I think he took my dad at his word, that he never abused me, like his father abused him.

Sometimes in these cases, you can get to know more about yourself by understanding how someone else was affected by similar treatment. A good starting point for this might be that your dad was victimised by his dad, repressed it and so cannot see he's done to you what was done to him.

The question is what does this mean for you?

Circles of abuse are common in families and warp relationships between siblings because the ones who aren't victimised or abused are scared it might happen to them, and so side with the abuser. This is particularly so with children because they have to cope with the idea that if they don't side with the abuser, they are rejecting a parent they depend upon. Being kids, they don't think about the effect their own actions will have on their brothers and sisters, and if they do, experience guilt, which they repress or rationalise depending on how old they are.

Having been part of a similar circle of abuse himself your dad will have spent his entire life dealing with crushing lack of self confidence despite every appearance to the contrary. At a guess he'll have put up a macho front to mask from himself and others the worm gnawing away at him and will have been very sparing with any emotions except anger. In the last season of Fargo the sheriff is a perfect depiction of a man like that. If your dad has any surviving siblings they'd be very interesting to talk to, if they were willing, but equally might have no memories except of him as a naughty child because of their own repression.

Back to the first paragraph. By understanding why your dad got how he was, it becomes possible to understand that a. you weren't responsible for anything that happened to you, and b. that any failure of confidence you experience in yourself is a consequence of the abuse and not something natural to your character. Nailing down point b is a key achievement if you can get there. It will take down a ton of scripts working against you feeling good with a single blow.

I wish I didn't have so much trouble reading. But then, there is also the emotional pain. The bar I went to with my army buddies turned out to be a topless bar. For me it was a disaster. It is forbidden to look. I wonder if part of that may be from my mother yelling at my dad about the playboy magazines.

My dad died from drowning on mothers day, 1979. His date of death is when his body was found. His story was that he decided to help out with putting new wooden shingles on the house, as a surprise for his dad. Instead of starting at the bottom, he started at the top. It was done all wrong, and for punishment his dad locked him in the smokehouse. Both his parents were in their forties when he was born, and my dad claimed he wasn't loved because his dad was hoping for a girl.
His dad lost some fingers in an accident, My dad got his fingers smashed when someone moved the tractor while he put the belt on the thrashing machine. My dad claimed he couldn't work due to the smashed fingers. This is at a time when the only electricity on the farm is from the wind charger, and only for lights and the radio. Cows were milked by hand. My hand went through the wringer while I was helping my grandma wash clothes. My dad never did find out who got the hand in the wringer, his comment about me continuing to crank the wringer would cause nightmares later.

I think the deal with the coins shows that he would watch me get punished when he was the one who took the coins.
How much could he get away with by blaming me. I wonder how much planning went into putting the microphone in the kitchen. He had me drill the hole in the wall. I was given a radio, and a set of headphones. I was told to put the antenna out the window to get better reception. And my mother believed the radio was connected to the microphone and I was forced to take the radio to my dad's workshop. The decision was made to leave the microphone on the shelf as a reminder. Wires ran from the microphone to my dad's workshop where it connected to an amplifier, and he could hear everything that was said in the house.
Michelle

There may have been an assumption made. My mother was not afraid to come up behind me and slap my face. In fact my sister knew just what to say to get my face slapped. When my sister made the comment, "don't look at me like that," my mother was behind me and my face was immediately slapped. We were at my grandma's when my sister said "Don't talk like that." Grandma was at the open window. I got called into the house and my mouth washed out with soap. Being a christian woman, she could not say what words were banned, but if she heard me use them, the soap is still here.
Another one was the yanking of my hair to made me sit upright. My sisters got verbal reminders.

My mother told me her dad made her angry when he would not allow her to wear short - shorts like her cousin. Then there was the time he said she would look like a boy if her hair was cut. And her dad was drunk and got her black ringworm ointment all over the place, and she had to clean it up.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 12, 2024, 06:13:48 PMI wonder how much planning went into putting the microphone in the kitchen. He had me drill the hole in the wall. I was given a radio, and a set of headphones. I was told to put the antenna out the window to get better reception. And my mother believed the radio was connected to the microphone and I was forced to take the radio to my dad's workshop. The decision was made to leave the microphone on the shelf as a reminder. Wires ran from the microphone to my dad's workshop where it connected to an amplifier, and he could hear everything that was said in the house.

I don't think you have to look very much further into your parent's relationship issues than this. And if your mother was that free with her hand then I'd guess she didn't have a fairytale childhood either. You found yourself in a situation where you couldn't win with either parent and it hammers a child's self confidence every time.

Did your mother show you much love? Somewhere in you you found the resources to get where you are today, which sounds like exceptional strength of character is involved somewhere!

First of all, I have been in and out of therapy for years. I also have a history of running away from home. When I was 18, I accidentally got hit over the head, and I'm sure there was a concussion. I was missing for over a week, and after returning home was put in psychiatric therapy. Not one of the family members knew about the concussion. 50 years later I fall down with roller skates, I get a ct scan in the emergency room, and if I read the report right, there is evidence of the concussion.

There was a rumor about why my parents went out west. According to the rumor, my mother ran off with my dad's partner, and I got dropped off at my uncle's while he went to get her back. I only heard the rumor after my dad died and 20+ years later the partner returns. It took a while to connect his return with me waking during the night with pain in my head.
If the rumor is true then everything changes. It raises the possibility that my sister is my half sister. That her real father is my dad's partner. It would be ironic that my dad's favorite daughter was not his. Or did he know and she was a reminder of what my mother had done.
Maybe the idea of me trying to kill my sister was wishful thinking by my dad.
I had my DNA done through Ancestry DNA, and then I find out that she did hers through the 21 and me. The discrepancy is attributed to being done by two different companies.
The fact that he returned meant that she kept in contact with him, and knew where he lived. What he said to me showed he had something to hide. Like maybe an arrest warrant for sexually abusing his own daughter.
He became my step father 20+ years after he sexually abused me.
Michelle

There's a ton of stuff to unpack in there. You must have felt overwhelmed as a kid. I take it you have had some successes with the therapy? With so many strands to untie a childhood like that must have felt like you were in the center of an enormous knot.

My mother told me that after the death of the baby, my dad went looking for answers. My dad's partner would be around our house while my dad was not there. My mother said her dad could look out his window and see his car in our driveway, and would come over and chase him off the property. She did say that her dad came over one day only to find it was her brother visiting.

Does any of this really matter, other than the fact that I was sexually abused as a child, while wearing dresses.

I saw a girl at the store today, and the thought went through my mind, wondering if I could ever look like that. It was years ago that I rode a bicycle past a beach, and put my hand up to block the view of the women in bikinis. Must not look.Must not desire. No thought about the kind of desire, that I may want to look like them. Autism, too much input, confusion about why I can't look. There has been no diagnosis, so no medication.
It looks like a 2 hour drive for my first appointment with the endocrinologist, so I need to made sure I have my fidget toys with me, especially the stress ball. I still haven't figured out how to use the navigation in my car, so it won't tell me when I have to turn.
I've been waiting for the new patient questionnaire from doctor, so I can put the proper information in the paperwork. I'm thinking I can make a list of the side effects of estrogen, and show how I'm already affected by the side effects.
A 2 hour drive there, get there early, 1.5 hour appointment, and a 2 hour drive back home. At this time I don't know if my anxiety will be so bad that I can't eat. Maybe take some acetaminophen before I start my drive. I could take some boiled eggs and eat on the way. The chewing motion is also a stress reliever.
I suspect that they want to do some testing once I get there. I just recently did a testosterone test and found my level was at 379, about the same as it was 20 years ago. I'm still going to call it low normal. I wonder if it is low enough not to need a t blocker.
Just remembered I have a Sony microcassette-corder. It has been 30 years or so since I used it last. I had used it to take notes while I was driving. I can find out what I sounded like back then. Maybe put it to use again.
I think I should get detailed driving instructions, including where I might stop to eat. If I read it enough times or look at the map enough times, I should know where to turn once I get there.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 13, 2024, 10:42:12 PMDoes any of this really matter, other than the fact that I was sexually abused as a child, while wearing dresses.

It does matter, but only because it helped to form who you are. Understanding that abuse that happened to you as a child was not your fault and nothing to do with anything you did is part of the key to accepting yourself - and looking back as an adult and seeing where some of our more troubling thought processes come from. Which will allow you to disconnect them and free yourself to live your life for you.

It really wasn't much of a joke as real life, by the time I figure out what is being said, the subject is already on something else.
Bringing the subject back to the topless bar, there are a few things I learned after that experience. It was a few years later that my mother said she slapped me while breast feeding. She hoped that was not the reason I have trouble relating to women. But that was just the first, if I get my face slapped just for glancing across the table at my sister, how long does it take to associate breasts with punishment.
I wonder what my dad was thinking, a 10-11 year old sexually active with his own cousin. It was not true, she asked me to massage her breasts, it did not go beyond that. How proud, his feminine acting boy has proved himself a man. He told her father, and I was no longer welcome at his house. I was forbidden to talk to my best friend. Her brother decided I need to be punished, the best way being sexually molested, with the help of three other boy cousins. I was told that if I went near any of the girls, there would be more punishment. Even the fathers watched me like a hawk, keeping me away from their daughters.

My therapist told told me, it was highly unlikely that I would lose my fear of women. As a male I could not get near a woman. My mind came up with a solution. The idea was that if I was a woman, I would lose my fear of women. It was meant to only go far enough to lose my fear, in my mind only. Some where in the process, I lost my armor, my outer shirt ending up on the floor. In jeans and t shirt, my feminine shape was there for all to see. I was a woman, with fear of only one woman, my mother.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 15, 2024, 12:00:45 PMMy mind came up with a solution. The idea was that if I was a woman, I would lose my fear of women. It was meant to only go far enough to lose my fear, in my mind only.

We become the thing we fear the most? Perhaps.

But have you ever thought of turning what your therapist said around? In what you've written so far I'm hearing less of fear of women and more of fear of being a man around women. Those are different things.

I could say that the therapist was not really interested in curing me. That I was a source of income for him.
When I first got to him, I got put on individual and group sessions each week. Maybe the most telling part is he went on vacation and brought back a pair of Disney mouse ears for me.

Because my mother could change to anger at any instant, I had a tendency to stay out of arms reach of any of the women I worked with. Things did get strange after I was no longer hiding things. One woman telling me how she planned on getting breast reduction surgery.

You could say that I was sabotaging myself, trying to act like a male and then unconsciously stuffing my shirt pockets so I look like a female. I think the biggest change was revealing the fact that I had real breasts.

It has been so long, but I think that blue dress with the white stripe is the one I bought in the local clothing store about 20 years ago. I got called sir, but that didn't stop me from buying the dress.

I maybe should have put this elsewhere. My dad was a beer drinking German. According to the DNA it may be more a German Viking (German, Swedish, and Denmark.) Add in Scottish for the Kilt). I wonder if that is why I like plaid material. With enough data I might find out which plaid design or clan.
My mother was the red haired, anti-drinking Irish. My mother would claim English, Irish, French, and Dutch. Although my DNA did not show any Irish, my cousins have Irish.
Michelle

Can I say I have ADHD and autism, even though I have not been diagnosed? I have a tendency to forget things, like forgetting to mention that there seemed to be an argument about his drinking every night. It was very common to see him with a beer in his hand. When we would go to fix fences, the beer case would be in the trailer with the tools needed. The thing was something was always forgotten, there was nothing for me to drink. If we stayed out all day, that would mean I would get dehydrated. I once thought I had just gotten used to going without drinking or eating. It turns out due to autism, I don't get hungry or thirsty. I keep a journal of what I have eaten during the day, and I also have set times to eat. Keeping track of the calories, I know how much I have eaten. Drinking is a bit different, I have a bunch of 8oz mason jars and they get rinsed and put in a rinse rack when they get emptied. At any time I can check the clock and count the bottles in the rinse rack.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 15, 2024, 05:23:41 PMI could say that the therapist was not really interested in curing me. That I was a source of income for him.

You will be a better judge of that than I, but I think it's worth you taking another tour around the idea that you might have a fear of women. Do you believe that?

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 16, 2024, 12:34:54 AMCan I say I have ADHD and autism, even though I have not been diagnosed? I have a tendency to forget things, like forgetting to mention that there seemed to be an argument about his drinking every night.

Again, you could be right and it would be worth you being formally assessed for ADHD for sure, because if you are, there are treatments available.

Every story you have told about your childhood is of situations where however hard you tried, your family reacted as if it wasn't good enough. Yet, unlike many faced with the same situation, you kept on trying. There's a strength there in your character that many just don't have. You must have some stories about times when that part of you helped you win. Perhaps after you left home, though?

Quite literally, over her dead body. This is what I wrote in the online therapy, Dear mother, you have died, you no longer have any power over me.
She lived to the age of 91. The weather was bad and I never got to her funeral. The truth is I did not want to go to her funeral. I found me a suit and started out, I drove about a mile and then turned around. The icy roads caused some slipping. I did not need to see her body in a casket to know that she had died. She had been cremated so there was no casket. In the end, I did not wear a man's suit to her funeral.

I heard the quote you can never go home again. A few years ago, I moved off the family farm, and the farm was sold. Within a week after the paper work was finished, several photos were sent to me. Smoke was arising from the pit where the house used to sit. Not one of the buildings was left standing.

I think that in the process of telling our problems, we fail to tell the good stuff. I may not remember the 36 inch tall doll, but there is a photo of me at 3 years old holding the doll. I do remember the doll house, and there is a photo. It was a quarter mile walk to the local garbage dump, where I found the doll house.

I grew up with 3 younger sisters. My younger brothers would be later. It would not have been unusual for us to sit at the kitchen table playing with our paper dolls. Perhaps, me being older, I would cut out the doll clothes we would make. At some point that would end.
I would go play in the basement. In the rafters I had tucked my paper dolls. One day I went to play with my paper dolls and they were gone. I thought my dad had found them and threw them in the stove. After my dad died, I found my paper dolls in a drawer in my dad's workshop. I could only speculate as to why he kept my paper dolls.

You could say I have all these memories growing up as a girl, even though my birth certificate says male.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 16, 2024, 01:19:22 PMAfter my dad died, I found my paper dolls in a drawer in my dad's workshop. I could only speculate as to why he kept my paper dolls. You could say I have all these memories growing up as a girl.

Or you could say there are memories of who you are and who you've always been? You write that you wonder why your dad kept your dolls. What were you feelings when you found them again?

Given the fact that I find my paper dolls 20 years after they disappeared, about all I could feel about it was surprise.

What I was getting at was the fact that even though I was AMAB, I was allowed to have a doll house and a large doll. I was allowed to have paper dolls and sleepovers with a girl. Then to realize that the photo of me at age 3 with the doll, I am wearing a skirt. The photo of me at age 2 1/2 sitting, I am also wearing a skirt. I can even add the dress up where I wore my mothers shoes and some memory of my mother putting lipstick on me. For some reason, as a child, I was treated as a girl.
Doing laundry at that time may have been women's work, so I doubt that any guy can say they got their fingers in the wringer like I did.
The idea that I would remember my parents argument when I was 3-4 years old seems odd. Maybe it was about me, and was a recurring argument. In fact it was about my mother putting dresses on me. And her response was that I should been given the choice of being a girl or a boy. That only makes sense if I am an intersex.
While growing up my dad said something about I should reimburse him for the money spent at the hospital when I was born. None of that makes any sense since I know I was born in the house on the farm. Maybe it has something to do with what looks like a scar between my legs.
I don't know what was going on at the time, but for some reason my dad called me a morphodite. That happens to be a slur for hermaphrodite, now called intersex.

I'm almost willing to bet that being intersex is so rare that most doctors have never heard the term, so as far as they are concerned, it never happens. Then there may be others that perform the surgery, and list it as some other medical condition. It can be denied because there is no proof. In my case, it was pre-computers, so all the medical records are lost. Inactive for so many years that the file got tossed into the paper recycle.

Even without any of this, I believed I was a girl, with boy parts. I did read a medical record about my appendectomy. I was told that my appendix ruptured on the operating table. there was no mention of any rupture in my records, and it was no surprise to me that the doctor wrote about observing a healthy ovary. I did some checking on the internet, and I did find it was possible to observe an ovary. Another thing I did was to determine the chances of the doctor doing another appendectomy on the same day in a military hospital.

Regardless of how it happened, It did happen. Wearing boy clothes, no nail polish, no makeup, etc., and I would get gendered as female. In fact, the last time I used a men's rest room, the cashier thought I was entering the wrong rest room. I think I wrote someplace that I don't even smell like a male.
Michelle
 

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 17, 2024, 02:36:07 PMI'm almost willing to bet that being intersex is so rare that most doctors have never heard the term, so as far as they are concerned, it never happens.

Interesex is more common than most people think and we were taught extensively enough about it at medical school forty years ago I can still name all the conditions which result in it. I had a relationship with someone who had complete androgen insensitivity too, but unless US medical education is very different to the UK, I'd guess most doctors in America would have a similar level of knowledge.

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 17, 2024, 02:36:07 PMWhat I was getting at was the fact that even though I was AMAB, I was allowed to have a doll house and a large doll. I was allowed to have paper dolls and sleepovers with a girl. Then to realize that the photo of me at age 3 with the doll, I am wearing a skirt. The photo of me at age 2 1/2 sitting, I am also wearing a skirt. I can even add the dress up where I wore my mothers shoes and some memory of my mother putting lipstick on me. For some reason, as a child, I was treated as a girl.

All this makes it sound like somewhere along the line there was a change of attitude by your parents, because you've written that to begin with they were fine with you in girl's clothes and then suddenly they were completely the other way. The trouble with memories from the age you would have been then is all you really have are a few snapshots and it can be hard to work out what the context was, but I gain the feeling something significant must have happened after you were three? What?

It that's so, it would square with your dad keeping the paper dolls. If they hadn't had a meaning for him, he wouldn't have done that. What could the meaning had been?

I must have wrote it, but somehow it never got posted.
back to the travels of my parents out west. I would have been about 3, and I was dropped off at my uncle's house while my parents went out west. I'm guessing that my uncle would not put up with me being feminine. I'm not sure how many months I was there.

June 12, 2023
Why do men sexually abuse children?
8:44am
I wrote this yesterday in a text file

The Pedophile:
There was a guy that helped my dad work on car when I was about 2 or three years old. When my sister was born she had a cleft lip and missing palate. she got pneumonia with her first breath. She died less then 24 hours. My dad went looking for answers, perhaps straighten his head out. My grandpa chased the partner off the farm and he was not seen for years. (insert out west vacation rumor here.)
After my dad died. It was within a few years that he returned. I started getting headaches. Later, after my mother had married him, my brother-in-law decided I needed some therapy. He was saying I was angry at the guy for taking my mother away from me, and that my mother had the right to marry him. Because of my brother-in-law, I went into full mode panic. In my panic I had driven to a counseling service. I had an identity crisis.
Sorry, I can't finish the story. My extreme hatred for the guy that married my mother was because he used my mouth for his sexual pleasure when I was about 3 years old.
(The memory was recovered after I left therapy)


I wrote this later
I might be too dehydrated to have actual tears. I had to go out and think a bit about what this all means. This is the first time I've told anyone about this.
I think there was a Minnesota warrant for his arrest. I learned from his son, he had sexually assaulted his own daughter.
In high school I might have met another son. I couldn't understand the anger, but I knew it wasn't directed towards the son. It was directed towards the name.
I don't want to push it I don't know where it come from but the was another piece of memory that had popped up before "You want to be a girl, I'll teach you what it's like to be a girl." (I'm aware that I am now using contractions.) I don't know if my mother put dresses on me at that time.

I was not angry at him for marring my mother. In fact I was glad my mother had left. Did I know what would happen to him? Perhaps.
Before they were married, she was all sweet and kind, and would join him at the bar. After they married everything changed. Her true feeling about alcohol showed through. Any drop of alcohol raised her Irish temper. It got so bad that a minister had to intervene. I hope he realized this was the mother of the child he abused.
Karma can be a bitch.
Miss Michael


Michelle

I had a bit of a problem with my home electrolysis. I had to take apart the probe and repair the connection. I think it is working properly now. around my lips it is difficult to see any hairs. running my fingers around I can feel a few hairs. Under my lower lip it looks very smooth. I might be able to do all my facial hair.
I found a couple of photos of me with a beard. Only thing was they showed that no hair grew on my cheeks. My body really doesn't have that much hair. Despite eating the crust on my bread, I never did get any chest hair. I even hear about men having hair on their backs, which I have none. I do have some hair on my belly, below my ribs.
I had an uncle that I guess could be called a furry, he had hair sticking out the neck of his shirts. He was married to my mother's sister.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 17, 2024, 05:54:21 PM...my brother-in-law decided I needed some therapy. He was saying I was angry at the guy for taking my mother away from me, and that my mother had the right to marry him... I had to go out and think a bit about what this all means.

It's common for other members of a family to 'rationalise' situations where they know something is off and protect themselves from stress by convincing the victim they are the one that needs help instead of telling the abuser and anyone complicit with them they are the ones who need straightening out. As a defense mechanism, it sucks.

Doing that leaves the abused person feeling more isolated and it's common for people to start repressing (trying to bury) memories from times like that, so it's good you've been able to process it. The trouble with repressed memories is you can never bury them deep enough they can't reactivate under stress - so processing them is important.

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 17, 2024, 05:54:21 PMBefore they were married, she was all sweet and kind, and would join him at the bar. After they married everything changed. Her true feeling about alcohol showed through. Any drop of alcohol raised her Irish temper.

That suggests your mother had as many problems dealing with your stepfather as you did, tried to drown them out with alcohol, but failed and let them spill over onto you. As a child you found yourself being told all the problems were with you, though clearly they were not.

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 17, 2024, 05:54:21 PM"You want to be a girl, I'll teach you what it's like to be a girl."

If someone had said that kindly, with an intent to help and not to weaponise it against you, how would you have reacted to that?

That suggests your mother had as many problems dealing with your stepfather as you did, tried to drown them out with alcohol, but failed and let them spill over onto you. As a child you found yourself being told all the problems were with you, though clearly they were not.


I may not have been clear enough. She would join him at the bar, but would not drink. After they were married, if he touched a drop of alcohol, it would raise her Irish temper. The arguments about his drinking got so bad that that the minister from the church had to intervene and told her to go back to Minnesota.

My mother told me about the minister. Living in town, the neighbors would have been closer. Living on the farm, when my parents got into an argument about my dad drinking, the neighbors didn't hear it.

I was raised in a way of do as I say or feel my wrath. After I moved out, my mother insisted I move back home. After I moved back home she insisted that my friends weren't really friends and that driving to see them was a waste of time.


I can wonder if my dad's drinking caused him to lose touch with reality. I wonder if he truly believed that he won the skates in a raffle. I can only speculate because of the way he told the story about how his mother gave him the telephone.(It was really given to me.) The big doll was also found in his workshop. It is possible he made up stories about his mother giving him the paper dolls, but I never heard him tell them.

If I'm going down a rabbit hole, I might as well see if I can find Alice. It seems Alice might not be totally responsible. Her hug is too tight, and her perfume is overpowering. Might by my perspective due to the autism.

While growing up, things would disappear. I would get told that nobody was there, therefore nobody took it. I just imagined that I had that item. Could the same thing happen with a 36 inch tall doll. It disappears, and my dad convinces us that it was never there. At some point I ask about the doll and my mother tells me I never had the doll. The photo shows me holding the doll, and I believe it is the same doll that is in the storage trailer.
Just speculation, he then makes up some story about how his mother gave him the doll(my mother gave me the doll.), and then believes his own story. The doll is in his possession, therefore the doll is his.
Michelle

Unknown to my dad, he is creating another problem. My brother is way younger than me. He believes the story my dad told about the telephone. He thinks he should inherent the telephone to remember his dad by.
Michelle

I sit down to write and I may get writers block, I intend to write about one thing and I end up writing about something else.
It has been a while since I last played any video games. I was playing Disney's Infinity. I was having trouble doing tight maneuvers through the death star. I was playing on a PlayStation 3, and thinking the problem might be that the controller doesn't fit my hand properly, I bought a Xbox. That didn't help much as the controller was about the same, and one joystick changed positions.
When I was in the hospital, there was a remark made about my long fingers. I guess that confirms that my hands are longer. I think I found a larger controller, but does not work with my game consoles.

For some reason you tube will suggest a lot of transgender videos, and I think one of them may have suggested that trans females tend to play more female characters in video games. I did play the Tomb Raider games but then I also played the Super Mario games. I guess in Disney Infinity I have a tendency to play female characters.
Then again I haven't played any video games since before my cataract surgery.

I mentioned my you tube feed. I have watched a lot of videos about narcissism, and learned about the scapegoat, and other types of symptoms.
Other videos have been about autism and how to set up to make life easier. I had mentioned once to my therapist about role playing. That would mean dress up as a mechanic to work on my vehicles, or wear a maids outfit to clean the house. Interesting that wearing Harley earrings I had more ambition to work on a car. In some of the videos it is suggested that headphones could be worn to reduce the noise from the vacuum, or even noise canceling headphones.

I guess I haven't said it yet, if I was not transgender, I would be gay. In other words I find men attractive.
Maybe granny from the Playboy magazine put it best, "Maybe she doesn't do any exercises, but that handsome exercise coach still gets her heart rate up.
Another one from granny, "I don't know much about football, but I know a tight end."
Maybe that's why I liked the strongman competition.

I was wondering if I could find a decent video game controller and adapt a board from a PlayStation or Xbox controller.
Michelle

Yesterday, on my walk, I saw a box of weights and barbells. The box said free. I thought of some female that was living at our house. Some stuff had been put at the end of our driveway, and a piece of cardboard had the word free on it. Later the sign was gone, but everything else was there. It seemed odd that she would take the cardboard because it said free.
My sister-in-law must have thought that if it was free, then it is a great deal. In cleaning up the farm, I think we had to pay for the disposal of over 100 TVs that she got for free. And we had refrigerators in almost every shed.

Back to the barbells. Since I was walking, it would have been difficult to carry that much weight several blocks. It was raining today, and the weight set is gone. It may be that the weights were put inside, out of the rain.
 I already have a barbell, but the plastic weights have deteriorated. They were plastic covered cement.
I do have a couple of metal weight plates. I did a bit of thinking, that the free set had mismatched weight plates, and for me would not be ideal. My weights are on the hand sized bars, and were too heavy when I had a weight restriction. Besides, I just plain forget to do the weight lifting. I got to thinking, wondering if I would do my weight lifting if the weights were painted pink, or maybe lavender. To me it would be important that the style of the weight plates matched, and the collar that held the weights on the bar, matched the other bars.
Michelle

Consider, yes, the deck is stacked against you. There is no way you can win, Unless, you know the secret.
An example is in the spring, cleaning up the manure pile behind grandpa's barn. My dad goes through the gate and goes around the pole in the yard. My uncle goes through the gate and takes the shortcut by not going around the pole. Grandpa tells my uncle he is doing it wrong and he must go around the pole. Grandpa tells my dad he is doing it wrong and is not to go around the pole.

Have a favorite food, don't let mom know. If she knows it is your favorite, you might get lucky if it is served once a month. If mom thinks you don't like it, it might get served several time a week. Of course, if it my sister's favorite, then it gets served more often.
Maybe there is something else going on here, and my sister insists that we eat what she likes, and she doesn't like what I like. And my sister's voice is irritating when my mother has her migraines, and she gets her favorite just to shut her up.

My mother once told me that when she got married, she traded one barn of cows for another barn of cows. My dad was no help if he was using the smashed fingers as an excuse to not milk cows. I think they were still milking by hand.

Now thinking about the older child taking the toys of the younger child. My uncle would have been the baby of the family until my dad was born. My uncle was 7 years older than my dad. It is kind of strange that there was a room in my uncle's house that had all kinds of toys he played with as a child, and my dad had no toys he played with as a child. Makes me wonder if my uncle was taking toys away from my dad. It would seem that my uncle was favored.
After my dad died, maybe years later, my uncle tried to tell me that some of the machinery that I remember we had when I was a child, was borrowed from him, and now he wanted it back. I still think that when he helped my dad tow the truck out of the river, he borrowed tow chains from my dad, and the chains got put on his tractor when he went home. I could go on with the stories.

In anticipation of starting estrogen, I decided to get a jar of pickles in case I would get any cravings. Interesting that I am craving pickles even before starting estrogen. That leads to another problem. I was having problems getting the pickle jars open even before I broke both wrists. Living at home we did have a solution, one person held the jar with both hands and the other twisted the cover with both hands.
Speaking of using two hands, do you know how difficult it is to push the call button on the hospital bed with two broken wrists? Sometimes I used fingers on both hands, and other times I used my elbow.
Michelle

I don't know why it was so difficult to remember the word dumbbell. That is the one handed bar with weights. The empty bar weighs 4 pounds. Add 4 2.5 pound weight plates and it now weighs 14 pounds. The ends of the bars are threaded, so the collars are threaded. I found my long twisted bar and the ends are also threaded, so three of my bars are threaded. I have no idea where my long straight bar is, but the one I had used slide on collars. I have a triceps bar and it is a bit rusty, and again uses the slide on collars.
I don't recall if it was me or somebody else that had the incident with the straight bar. It seems the weight and collars were put on the straight bar and the collars were not tightened. During the lift, the bar tilted and the weights slid off one end. The bar then went the other way, and the other weights slid off.
Since breaking my wrists, and having plates put in my wrists, I may not have full rotation of my wrists. I don't know if I could grab the long straight bar properly. Palm down seems to look ok, but palm up, my wrists don't rotate enough. The twisted bar would be fine, but I may want the straight bar to force rotation of my wrists. In that case I want a bar with the threaded ends, and I should replace the triceps bar, so it also has threaded ends.
The amount of weight does not matter, since I'm not going to build up any muscle. I would like cast iron plates of the same design. currently I have 4 cast iron and 4 plastic covered. I don't know about painting the plastic covered weights, but I could paint the cast iron plates. I might have to wait until next summer to paint them. At the moment I am thinking 2 plastic covered weights on each dumbbell. That would make each one 9 pounds. And the 4 cast iron plates on the twisted bar. That would be 10 pounds plus the weight of the empty bar.
Michelle

@Michelle_K
Dear Michelle:
I have finally had the opportunity and time to catch up with your sharing and
postings on your Blog Thread... 
... I am much enjoying reading your "story" as you feel comfortable sharing
your thoughts and comments.... please continue on as you feel so inclined.

Your Blog thread here on the Forum becomes your  HOME  here where
you can continue to share and maintain continuity of your story.
Also your Blog Thread is the place on the Forum that your friends here will
be able to easily find you and leave their comments for you to read.

Thank you again for your involvement here on Susan's Place and the Forum.
I am eagerly looking forward to your future postings here and elsewhere around
the various threads and topics.

If you ever have any questions about the Forum, please feel free to write to me.

HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator

I decided that since the temperature hit 80 today, I would take advantage and do some painting. First the 1/6th scale broken manure spreader, it is now Ferguson gray. I may at some later date do more painting as the bottom is still John Deere green, and I need to put some kind of hitch on it.
While the paint was drying, I grabbed the cast iron weight plates. First I needed to remove some rust. Using the wire brush, I got most of the rust off. Leaning against the house, it felt like something was biting me. As I tried to brush the offending insect away, I noticed I left a rust color on my arm. For something that small, it had a painful bite.
At the moment, I'm waiting for the manure spreader to dry enough so I can move it, and put my weights on the cardboard to paint. Then I'll have to wait to flip them and paint the other side. Ideally, I would find a place to sandblast and then powder coat the weights. Now I need to take a paper towel and wipe the plates to remove the loose rust.

I'm back, the gray painted just fine. I paint with rattle cans, and the paint for the weights was a different brand. It felt like the nozzle was a little harder to push, and I had trouble controlling the flow of the paint. While pushing the nozzle, I could feel it through my hand. The paint got too thick in some places and left my hand sore. I could try to find another nozzle, and test that out. It looks like I may have to learn to paint with my other hand or figure out how to get that paint into the airbrush.

I realized I had something I could use to check my wrist rotation. I grabbed the broom stick, and palms up, My hands shoulder distance apart, my elbows were forced against my sides. I don't know if I will get full use of my hands back. It has been over a year since I broke both wrists, and at times they still ache.
Michelle

I have an adaptor that fits the rattle cans with a normal trigger as my bad wrist cant do much, much easier.

Quote from: davina61 on October 22, 2024, 03:55:05 AMI have an adaptor that fits the rattle cans with a normal trigger as my bad wrist cant do much, much easier.

I have two adapters, but unfortunately, The diameter of the nozzles won't let me snap the adapter into place. I wonder if there is another design that snaps on the outside instead of the inside next to the nozzle.
Using the airbrush would mean using the proper thinning liquid, and then proper cleanup afterwords.
Just checked Ebay and there are adapters that snap onto the outside next to the nozzle. I should check to see if I could get one at an auto parts or hobby shop.
Michelle

When I moved into this house about 4 years ago, I came to a realization that I did not know how to boil eggs. I did make my own jello and pudding snacks. My major experience with cooking was to put a frozen dinner into the microwave. Since then I have figured out that I can cook my hamburger in the microwave. Just that it doesn't get crunchy like my mother used to make. I think that is considered extremely well done. I have cooked eggs before, and I prefer them scrambled. I put a pat of butter in and let melt before putting in the eggs. Again, they don't get crunchy like my mother used to make. I used the same electric skillet to make some hamburger helper, and it seems the fat from the hamburger has changed the way the eggs cook. Maybe I should reserve the electric skillet for my eggs, and use my cast iron skillet on the stove for my hamburger helper. Making the hamburger helper was a new experience for me, and I began to wonder about the milk put in it. One store brand says 2% milk, another just says milk, and then there are different amounts of milk.
One brand of tuna helper says unsalted butter, and another just says butter.

When I was in 4H, I made cookies, cakes, and cupcakes. Some of my cookies were exhibited at the county fair. Other than the mug treats, I haven't done any since then. The mug treat is a single serve cake, mixed and cooked in a coffee mug. I have a cake mix and I think I have everything I need to make cupcakes.
I haven't made pancake before, and I am wondering if I might use a smaller cast iron pan. I think I am supposed to oil up my pans good and cook them in the oven before using them for cooking food.
If I remember right, my mother used the same cast iron skillet for almost everything and then never cleaned it.
Michelle

@Michelle_K
Dear Michelle:
Cooking and baking, and learning those tasks, many times by
trial and error, can be quite an experience for sure... learn by doing.

OH, and by the way, no one can cook like our mothers used to cook
for us, very fond memories for sure.

HUGS, Danielle

I had to learn ,I cook by numbers TBH but you soon get some tips and wrinkles but then I love cooking.

I had mentioned Alice. Alice was my mother's sister-in-law. Sometimes we see people at family gathering and don't realize how they are related. Like I said, she may not realize how tight she is hugging someone, and it is more of a problem when the person does not want to be touched.
Thinking about this, it seem unusual that a guy would marry his sister-in-law, but that is what happened. My mother's brothers marrying sisters. Alice was the third sister, and was married to some other guy. I had not thought about the three being sisters, so now it makes more sense that she would be at our house.
Any way, this happened over a decade ago. Alice was staying at our house, and decided to go to the corn carnival. Later she was complaining about how eating 5 ears of corn messed up her blood sugar. My mother's comment was that's why it is called sweet corn. While she is complaining about her blood sugar, her oxygen tank is next to her, and she is smoking a cigarette.

I came across some information that states, estrogen will make the nose more sensitive, or cis women have more sensitive noses. If that is the case and I defaulted to a feminine puberty due to low testosterone, then I may have been more sensitive to her perfume.
I once worked with a woman that seemed to have overpowering perfume, and one of the other guys also mentioned it. I think the joke became, her perfume arrived 5 minutes before she did.
That is kind of interesting, a guy can't appreciate flowers as much simply because his nose is not as sensitive. Then again the scented clothes due to the laundry detergent might not bother a guy. It used to be that going through the candle section in the store would be overwhelming, maybe not so much since using unscented laundry detergent. Now I wonder if I can really smell an approaching rain storm.
Michelle

I had gotten a holder for my phone that hangs around my neck and can use the phone as a video camera. The idea was to document working on my model corn picker and other model projects.
This morning I decided to try it out and then see what improvements I could do. What happened was unusual that as I cracked my eggs open, the first one had a double yolk. I got it on video, but this was supposed to be a practice run. The chances of me finding another egg with 2 yolks is very slim, and this one just happened to get on video. I'm kind of debating if I should put it on my You Tube channel.

I drove about 50 miles today to compare the store in Buffalo, MN. with the local store with the same name. The one in Buffalo had more variety of clothing, and the local store had more clearance items. I have not seen any grocery items in the local store, like there is in the Buffalo store.
My main reason to go to Buffalo was to go to Play It Again Sports. I picked up a triceps weight bar and a straight weight bar. both with threaded ends. Unfortunately, there wasn't much for weights, so I need to get them elsewhere.
Michelle

I watched a video on what to expect on the first visit to the endocrinologist. One being a questionnaire about what I expect estrogen to do for me. In my case, I hope to reduce the prostate PSA levels. I've had to undergo cancer testing due to the high levels, and still the tests come back negative. I tried to explain that for me the test is false positive, but it was 3 times higher than it should have been. Changing my diet brought it down to 2 times higher, but was still high. My provider insisted I go to a urologist, and the urologist insisted on a MRI.
Quite likely it doesn't work that way, My body wants estrogen so bad that it raises the PSA levels hoping to get the estrogen to lower the levels. I think the reality was that the soy oil was causing inflammation of the bowels and urinary systems, and the doctor didn't help.

About 30 years ago a psychologist was called in to my therapy session. I answered a couple questions and was told that since I masturbated, I enjoyed being a male and therefore was not transgender. At that point it gets obvious that they are not going to help me, and to continue is a waste of time, although they may have made the decision not to continue. At that time, I don't think I knew the proper procedure of transitioning.
All they controlled was the medical part of the transition. By denying me being transgender, they actually  caused some of my depression. To alleviate some of the depression, I can cross dress. Even if it is only a pair of thigh highs under my jeans. Now, I know something else, that the thigh highs were protecting my legs from the rough material of my denim jeans.
And maybe, occasionally step into the wrong restroom. I can claim it was accidental, but now I'm not so sure. After all this time in a men's army barracks, I get kicked out with early drop. With soldiers returning from Vietnam, I get out 6 months early. After processing, I am done with active duty and on my way home. At night between flights on my way to a connecting flight, I need to use the rest room. The area seem deserted as I enter the rest room. My mind isn't quite processing properly, as I am confused that there are no urinals. I step into the stall and relieve myself. As I leave the rest room I look back and on the door it says women.

I stated that the denial of my being trans caused some depression. Then the opposite may be true, finally getting a gender dysphoria diagnosis removes some of the depression and anxiety. And just the fact that I get a prescription for estrogen will remove some more depression and anxiety, and more yet when I have it in my hand.
Michelle

I don't know if enlisting volunteer draft had anything to do with it. I ended up in Germany, and had served 18 months active duty when I got out in January of 1972.
Michelle

Michelle,

I am wondering if you take any vitamins. Biotin is a B vitamin that promotes hair and nail growth. It is added to daily multivitamin formulas as well as B-Complex supplements. There is a multivitamin product called Hair, Skin, and Nails that is high in biotin.

If you have biotin in your system, it can affect lab results for PSA, estradiol, thyroid, and others. My endocrinologist had me stop taking all supplements one week before labs so she could get an accurate reading. Many herbal supplements have similar effects. Perhaps it is something like this, or as you stated, something in your diet that is affecting the lab results and showing falsely high readings.

Just something to consider.

I'm getting down to 1 week before my appointment with the endocrinologist. My anxiety may go up again due to the fact that this will be a first time and I have no idea what to expect. I do expect that I will be doing blood test to get a starting level, and any herbals will be stopped prior to my appointment. I've heard that they can affect the readings. The collagen peptides and the multi vitamins don't seem to be doing their job as my nails still split. Just this week I had a layer come off of part of 2 different nails. It looks like the only thing that will fix the problem is getting estrogen.
I hope my little heart problem doesn't interfere with getting my estrogen. It wasn't bad enough to prevent my cataract surgery. I don't know what to call it. Something about a delayed beat where a 3rd beat is heard. Or is called a triple beat.
Michelle

I'm thinking about it being about a week before my appointment. I haven't confirmed where the appointment is. I am assuming that it is a 2 hour drive, not likely the clinic where the drive would be 1 hour. I still haven't gotten any paperwork to fill out. I have printouts of most of my tests. My appointment is at 3:00 pm to 4:30 pm. Arrive early for paperwork and allow for extra time to find the place, hoping I make the correct turns. It then gets to noon to start the drive. I get up between 9:00 and 10:00 am and that gives me about 2 hours before leaving, and then I get too anxious to eat. So, it is possible that I won't have anything to eat until after my appointment.

I found some videos about spironolactone. The only Spiro I want to be concerned about is Spyro the dragon. From what I understand, with low testosterone, I won't need the t blocker.


 When I ended up in the emergency room with 2 broken wrists, I did not have my phone with me, and there were no medical records that the hospital could check. I did have my wallet, with my ID, social security and medical card, but no emergency contacts. This time I can make sure I have the necessary information, including that there is no heart disease that runs in the family. I can point to my paternal grandfather and say that he lived to be 102 years, but my maternal grandfather died of Emphysema at the age of 64.
And I have a brother that died from diabetes at the age of 52.
Another thing in my favor is that at the age of 75, I am on no prescription medication.
Michelle

I think that growing up there was an attitude of don't bother asking for help because you're not going to get it. I wonder how many times I asked for help and got told do it yourself. And the opposite still happens, as I get told to go help your sister. I got told to drive my sister 60 miles to see her boyfriend, when he was still married to my cousin. He now has the advise, don't have a live in babysitter.
Where was I, I think I was saying my dad had no time to help me, but expected me to stop what I was doing to help my sister. So I can say we were treated differently.
Asking for help, and constantly getting told no, I just stopped asking for help.
What I needed was something to force me to ask for help, my very life depended on being able to ask for help. In the emergency room, I couldn't get anything to eat or drink until after the operation to stabilize my wrists. With the broken wrists, I couldn't even undo my belt, and drop my pants to sit on the toilet. After leaving the emergency room I got sent to a different hospital. I couldn't even operate the spoon to eat some chocolate pudding. So, a nurse had to feed me. Later that day, I would be able to use both hands to maneuver my silverware.

To present day, I have been in the Ultra Beauty store in St. Cloud, MN. What I need to do is be able to ask for help to learn how to apply makeup. They would even be able to recommend what color to use.
I may also have a problem due to my mother making a joke out of idea of me getting makeup, or hair done or whatever. The very idea that she should give me a perm, when she would yank my hair while giving me a haircut. Another thought was I was liable to find my hair cut off instead of getting a perm.
The Ultra Beauty store could even do my hair. I could make an appointment through the web site, but was wondering if I could just walk in and have my makeup done.

The telephone, again, I don't know if I was the only one that got told not to use it. My dad worked for Green Giant, and he needed to be able to answer the phone when they called, so he would know which field the harvesting machines were in. Anyway, that was his phone as he paid the bill, If I got my own phone and paid the bill then I could use my phone any time I wanted, until then, I was to not use his phone.
I think I mentioned the microphone that he put in the house, there was also an extension phone in the workshop, and he could listen in on the conversations. Don't forget to mention that mother wanted to know all the details about any call that you received.

I had a CB radio in my car, and somebody called me. Guess what, my dad made some comment about it, because he heard it on the CB radio in his truck.

I said something about the telephone that was given to me. I kept it in a box under the bed. I may have pretended I used the phone, but I never connected it to the phone line. One day my mother answered the phone and was talking to someone. when she got done, she yelled up the stairs that I was to take my phone out to the workshop and leave it there. I was confused as pulled the box out from under the bed and blew the dust off, and proceeded to take the phone out to the workshop. The phone in the workshop was hanging from the side of the cradle. He had been listening to the conversation. My mother must have heard the click as he picked it up, and thought it was me. There was no way that I could tell her it was my dad that was listening in, as I had not connected the two together. It was the same phone that later my dad would show his buddies and tell them how his mother gave him the phone.
Michelle

I think it is a weekly shopper paper, full of ads for local businesses. I looked at the front page and it stated "Care, From Anywhere". scrolling down the 2nd point was "Transgender Hormone Therapy". Down at the bottom was Planned Parenthood.

Minnesota is a implied consent state. Contact Planned Parenthood, answer a few questions and get your prescription. A quick check looks like they bill your insurance company.

In my case, I hope the wait is worth it, as veteran's health will pay for everything except surgery. It seems that includes electrolysis to remove facial hair. It almost seems stupid to drive 2 hours one way to to get the VA to pay for my hormones, when I can drive to the local clinic and get my prescription. I doubt that Medicare will pay for my hormones.

Medically-Necessary Hair Removal. I'm not quite sure what that means. I have no chest hair, so that would not matter to me, but would they cover the cost of removal of lower belly hair.  I'm thinking they would cover facial, neck and genital hair, and I would have to pay for any other like legs, arms, and hands.
And if I go through the VA, would I get a referral to someplace that is 2 hours away, when there is a place that does hair removal just a half mile away.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 28, 2024, 01:57:10 PMI think it is a weekly shopper paper, full of ads for local businesses. I looked at the front page and it stated "Care, From Anywhere". scrolling down the 2nd point was "Transgender Hormone Therapy". Down at the bottom was Planned Parenthood.

Minnesota is a implied consent state. Contact Planned Parenthood, answer a few questions and get your prescription. A quick check looks like they bill your insurance company.

In my case, I hope the wait is worth it, as veteran's health will pay for everything except surgery. It seems that includes electrolysis to remove facial hair. It almost seems stupid to drive 2 hours one way to to get the VA to pay for my hormones, when I can drive to the local clinic and get my prescription. I doubt that Medicare will pay for my hormones.

Medically-Necessary Hair Removal. I'm not quite sure what that means. I have no chest hair, so that would not matter to me, but would they cover the cost of removal of lower belly hair.  I'm thinking they would cover facial, neck and genital hair, and I would have to pay for any other like legs, arms, and hands.
And if I go through the VA, would I get a referral to someplace that is 2 hours away, when there is a place that does hair removal just a half mile away.
Michelle

Michelle,

The VA sends my prescriptions in the mail from their mail-order pharmacy. You might have a co-pay but it will be much cheaper than Medicare coverage.

Hair removal is now fully covered by the VA, including electrolysis for face and body hair for transgender veterans. See this post about the update to Directive 1341.
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,249256.msg2283867.html#msg2283867

PS

If you need to travel that far, the VA will reimburse you for mileage. Check with the travel reimbursement office. They pay 41.5 cents per mile.

I received a reimbursement check today for $5.40 for an appointment that was here in town, one block away from the VA clinic. If they make you drive that far, make them pay you for it. Then have your prescriptions mailed to you. After that, you can get prescriptions renewed with a Secure Message on the website.

I hope this helps.

I keep doing that, sit down to write and white something totally different.

What I was getting at before was that I was discouraged from talking. There is no sense asking for help if you get told no. The same thing about asking for permission to do something. My dad even told me not to bother asking for permission to do anything, because he would not give any permission. If I was to be allowed to do something, he would tell me without me asking for permission.

My mother told me I had the nickname Squeaks, because I had a high pitched squeaky voice. I think the nickname says a lot. And, I am thinking that the nickname makes fun of the way I sound.

I wonder what would happen if every time a boy talked, he sounded like a girl. Something else that needed to be changed. Did it get that far, no talking without permission, don't ask for permission, I'll decide when you can talk. Again, my sisters had no such restriction.

I'm not going to listen to you until you talk properly. You mean, artificially talk with a deeper voice, irritating my throat until I get coughing spells. And then, I can't talk because of a sore throat. To avoid a sore throat, just don't talk.

And when somebody talks to me, the parent has to butt in and take over the conversation, not allowing me to talk. They have both butted in on my conversations.

Would it be so awful to have a boy child that has a high pitched girls voice. Wait, that is a boy child that thinks he is a girl.
Michelle

How does that go:
If it looks like a female.
and sounds like a female,
and walks like a female,
it must be a female.

Disappointments, after waiting 2 months for my appointment, The endocrinologist has contacted the veterans health and informed them that they no longer provide that kind of service. Now veterans health will find me another endocrinologist, hopefully in the St. Cloud, MN. area. That would mean only a hours drive, and they already have most of my records. According to the map, slightly north of St. Cloud VA medical center.
Michelle

@Michelle_K 
Dear Michelle:
I am so sorry to read of your bad news regarding your cancelled appointment
and I am wishing your a speedy referal from the VA for another Endo.

Please keep me and the rest of your followers and readers updated.
I am wishing for success for you.
HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Michelle_K on October 29, 2024, 03:39:59 PMDisappointments, after waiting 2 months for my appointment, The endocrinologist has contacted the veterans health and informed them that they no longer provide that kind of service. Now veterans health will find me another endocrinologist, hopefully in the St. Cloud, MN. area. That would mean only a hours drive, and they already have most of my records. According to the map, slightly north of St. Cloud VA medical center.
Michelle

Sorry to hear that Michelle. Is St. Cloud closer than Minneapolis? Minneapolis is the big honcho for VA Transgender Medicine. When I started my transition, I had several appointments via video link with the Minneapolis VA. I stopped seeing them because I wanted someone I could talk to face-to-face locally.

If you have a small VA Outpatient Clinic nearby, they can set up a video appointment with Minneapolis VA at least to get you started. It's worth looking into.

The map shows the Minneapolis VA to be 79 miles. It would be a straight shot until I would get to where the 2 freeways cross.
The St. Cloud VA is about 50 miles. It is just a couple of blocks from the Crossroads Mall. And it is close to grocery stores. I was considering driving the 50 miles to the mall area to check out the stores.

If it is CentraCare, then they already have my hospital information, and a gender dysphoria diagnosis is already in the system.
Michelle

The VA in the Midwest uses Optum.

You could have the St. Cloud Clinic set up the appointment with Minneapolis via video link. Then you only need to do the 50 miles and can go shopping too. If St. Cloud has an endocrinologist you are good to go. But if they don't use the video link to see the endocrinology dept at Minneapolis since it is the same drive to St. Cloud either way you do it.

I have been using VA video connect for group sessions. I get emailed the link the day of the session. It is not a Zoom call. I actually do the VA video connect from my home computer. I also receive a text link on my iPhone, and could use that for the VA video link.

Now, I'm kind of waiting for them to contact me to set up an appointment.
Michelle

I'm trying to get this deal about talking sorted out. It might be that some of it is based on a lie that my sister told. The fact that both parents made the statement that girls never lie, gives her power over me. I need to believe her because girls never lie. If she tells me that I need permission from my dad to speak then I can't tell him what she has done.

For instance, We sit down to watch tv. My dad demands silence, we can't even laugh at any jokes. My sister sits beside me and starts jabbing her finger into my side. I move from the couch to the floor, she moves with me. Finally, I say stop, and get sent to the kitchen for making noises, no excuses. I am not allowed to explain what she was doing.
If I can be quiet, I can return to watch tv. If I return to watch tv, she will again jab me in the side with her finger.
Over the years it is forgotten why I do not sit and watch tv with the family. It got strange that I could sit and watch tv by myself, but if a girl sat beside me, I would panic, but only if she sat on my left side. I needed to remember my sister was jabbing me in my left side.

While growing up we had a dog house plaque, and pups representing us. One day my sister did something and her pup ended up in the dog house. She made sure I was watching, and swapped hers for mine. As soon as I grabbed mine to swap them back, she yelled for mom. Mom said put it back, no buts, I could not explain what what my sister had done.
Michelle

Trying to print out some paper dolls from Pinterest. The problem is I ran out of ink, and refilling the tank did not help. One color is not printing, so the guys gray jacket when printed was pink.
Thinking about paper dolls, I seem to remember magnetic paper dolls. I could take a printable magnetic sheet and print the paper dolls on them. I was thinking sticking to the refrigerator, but a metal patio table could be used. Or the clothes would stay on magnetically.

Another idea is to resize the paper dolls in my computer, and print out paper dolls for my Barbie dolls.

It got a bit freaky when I thought of taking a photo of myself and my clothes and make paper dolls of myself.

I used to play Sims 2, and on the internet, I found some transgender Sims and some furry Sims. If I remember right, they did have tails. I think I always chose a female character.

Some of the Monster High dolls have tails, and some are furry.
Michelle

I was watching a video about organic food available at Costco. I then did some research.
First, I would have to drive 50 miles to get there. But it is in the Cross Roads Mall area of St. Cloud, MN.
Second, I would need to pay for a 12 month membership card to do any shopping.
third, To ensure that all members are correctly charged for the merchandise purchased, all receipts and merchandise will be inspected as you leave the warehouse.(directly from their website.)

It looks like I would also get a members discount on gasoline. But, I am unable to compare prices, or products. It seems like a situation of paying for a years membership, without seeing what the products are.

I remember somebody once telling me that he drove 10 miles to save 10 cents on a bag of sugar. That would be 20 miles round trip.
I am a single person, living alone. The question becomes, is it worthwhile to drive the distance to save a little bit of money. If I made the trip once a month, then I would need a larger area to store the food, and the savings would be larger. Every other week might be better all around, at least until I get organized enough to buy enough to last the two week.

I kept thinking about the local stores, where the gas discount depended on how much you paid for food.
Michelle

I got a deep freezer chest on sale once. I would drive 50 miles to the Air Force base and stock up on meat. Even with the cost of gas, I saved money. Then while shark fishing off Avila Beach in CA, I met a shrimp fisherman (not Forrest Gump). He told me he comes in on Saturdays with huge prawns and he would sell them for a dollar a pound fresh off the boat. My friends and I would load up camping coolers full of prawns and ice. Put them in the freezer chest too.

The next step was to start a vegetable garden. I had so much extra that I would give it away to friends. The only groceries we paid for were things like milk, bread, spices, and pasta.

I just now realized it is Halloween. I went and looked out the window, and saw a few of the kids. I think my house is the only one without a porch light. I have never been able to find the switch for the light, wondering if got removed and a blank plate put in its place.

Not that it would matter, other then a violation of the probation my cousin put on me. The same bully that was on the school bus. Whose parents denied he was a bully. Do you think that at some later time they would admit it.
No matter where it came from, it was ultimately my dad who lied to her parents. Her brother was the same bully that was on the school bus, and decided my punishment was to be sexually abused by him and the other boy cousins. And the command was given that I was to stay away from all the girls or there would be more sexual abuse.
It is unknown if my uncles knew what their sons had done, but they also made sure that I stayed away from their daughters. I seem to remember something about later parties where I would be sitting next to the men and I would be sitting there while they all got a plate of food. I was usually the last one in line, when I did get in line. I think that might be wrong, no longer a line for the food.
Just generally show that I am no longer welcome there, but tolerated because I'm related. Now that I think about it, it has been over sixty years since I have spoken to any of the girls.

Note that it was not stated to stay away from their sisters, it was clear to stay away from all the girls.
had it been only what the boys had done, quite likely it would have been dismissed as him being a bully. What the fathers did seemed to reinforce the actions of the boys.

It was years later, while I was going to trade school, I had met some girls. The way I was, I was actually one of the girls.
One day my dad said he knew I was having sex with the girls, and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said no. The following weekend, he accused me of speeding with his vehicle. I was told not to deny it as I had been seen. I was tired and wanted to get some sleep. It was made plain that I was not getting to bed until I admitted I had been speeding, and said maybe as I passed someone. My driving privileges were revoked. and I had to get an apartment close by the trade school.
Again accused of having sex with the girls and punished.
It would be years later that for some reason he had to remind me about sex with my cousin being incest. It was a lie because it never happened, the same lie that got me punished by her brother.

Again years later, I think it was after the movie Crocodile Dundee came out. He wasn't quite my nephew, but close enough. While he was visiting, he decided to grab my crouch, and then bragged to his sister that he had touched me. I freaked, the last thing I needed was a teacher finding out a high school kid touched me.
I don't know if that was the cause, but I was later holding a knife, ready to cut that thing off so I would never again be accused.

Now I know why he was looking at me so odd at the family reunion. He had touched the male parts of the girl that was in front of him.

I almost missed one. The movie my dad took me to when I was old enough. The guy on screen got castrated for not staying away from the girls like he was told to.
Michelle

I had to check my ancestry tree, and the boy cousin that was a bully was about 4 years older than me. So if I was 11 at the time, he would have been 15. I think the other boys may have been about the same age as him.
It does raise the possibility that I was picked on because at the time I would have been the youngest boy. However, even earlier, this bully would pull my pants down exposing me to the other boys.

A question was raised once about telling his parents. His parents had been told, and their response was that their child would never do that. And then he comes back and makes sure you know he is doing this because someone told his parents.

I need to tie up a few loose ends. When I was 3-4 years old I got dropped off at my uncle's house for the several months that my parents went out west. While at my uncle's house, due to the fact that we were close to the same age, I became best friends with his daughter. As we lived about half a mile apart, our friendship continued. Her brother was the bully.
Michelle

For some reason, You Tube is giving me tours through grocery chains. Whole Foods and Trader Joe's would require me to drive about 100 miles to to get to a store. Another store is about 50 miles away. And a couple others are in the nearby town. The ones in the nearby town are smaller than the same store 50 miles away, and do not have the selection. It's a matter of how much of a product might get sold.

It's like the local Target store does not sell groceries. I can drive 30 miles to a bigger town, the Target store is bigger and has some groceries. If I was to drive 50 miles to an even bigger town, or small city, then the Target store is even bigger, and has a huge grocery area.
It may be a difference of size where in the local store you would get organic grass fed hamburger, but no other kind of grass fed. Whereas, in the bigger store I might find cheaper, non organic grass fed hamburger.
It is a bit of a surprise to find ground Buffalo in the local Cash Wise food store.
Michelle

I have trouble finding some Indian spices/seeds for my curies locally , good job I can get them online. I wanted to try a goat curry but cant find anywhere local that sells goat meat or mutton (old sheep) , price of lamb has gone up by about a third as well.

Today I drove to Cokato to drop off my monthly mini storage rent. I decided to continue on to Delano, to the Coborn's food store. In total that was 53.4 miles from home. The meat selection was not that great, it looked like they had higher priced brand named hamburger. This store even had a sushi counter. But I could not find any sandwich to eat, maybe due to the McDonald's just a few yards from the store.
I wasn't feeling all that great since all I had for breakfast was one bowl of cereal, and that was 4 hours before, otherwise I might have continued on to Ridgedale mall.

I looked to check the Harley Davidson dealer, and could not see the sign. A check on the internet shows Crow River Harley Davidson in Delano is permanently closed. As I check in that direction, the nearest one becomes 77.2 miles away in Eden Prairie.
At 57.1 miles away near St Cloud is Viking Land Harley Davidson. The route takes me within 1 block of Crossroads Center mall in St. Cloud.
Michelle

CentraCare let me know that they received the referral. They sent me a letter through MyChart. My Veterans Health card is already on file there, so hopefully there is no problem.
The thing is, CentraCare also has my Medicare information. And they have the pre-operation tests that were done for the wrist plates and later cataract surgery.

I was just looking at the x ray report for July 1, 2023. I thought about my nephew, that a couple decades ago, landed on the sidewalk and broke both wrists. I think he was wearing casts while going to school.
Michelle

I found a temporary Halloween shop. Today was the last day. I did find a clapboard for making videos, and I got some wigs. There were a lot of nice costumes, but unfortunately, they were all too small.

It got a little strange as I had another egg that was larger than normal. I made sure that I was making a video when I cracked it open, so now I have 2 videos of double yolk eggs. I think I need to convert the format and post them on the internet. I can edit the first one so I have just the cracking of the egg for Facebook.
Michelle

Growing up on a ranch, we had a chicken that laid double-yolk eggs. They were not bigger around, just longer like two eggs jammed together. I have even gotten some from Walmart.

Once again I turn my subject to talking, or rather the lack of talking. The question is, what does one thing have to do with the other? If I am forbidden to go near any girls, then how am I to learn how to socialize.
The board games, card games, or whatever. You took too long with your chores, we started without you.
Did I make a mistake, no talking with your mouth full becomes no talking while eating. It is not exactly the same thing. No talking while eating could mean while there is food on your plate. The whole thing could be a misunderstanding.

Is it the way I talk, or the way I sound that seems to be a joke. Anyway, if I don't talk, then I don't get laughed at. Speaking of sounds, when my dad works nights, I am not to make any sounds. If I do, I might wake him up, and mom would get angry. Did anyone explain to me that he works nights one week and days the next?

Then there is the autism, and damaged hearing. My sister's screams in my ears were very painful. The parent's attitude, I think they would both agree that my sister is an angel, and any hearing problem is another attempt to get out of work. This is from a guy who once told me that the reason to have kids is for them to do the work we don't want to do.

I think it was about 20 years ago that I had my ears tested and was told that hearing aids would not help. I just recently got a hearing test and I was informed that the technology has advanced and they can amplify just the frequencies that I have a loss with. It would be nice to hear properly again.
I could point at all kinds of things that could have given me a hearing loss, none of them would have given me the scars on my ear drums.
Michelle

Being German, I was interested in the lederhosen skirt. Only thing was according to the video, lederhosen literally means leather pant, and is a man's outfit. Ebay has a similar outfit for women, with a skirt and made of leather.

I turned my attention to my Scottish ancestry. I learned that a kilt can be worn by a woman, and some are specifically made for women. I also learned that it is not necessary to wear a dress jacket with a kilt.

Then I went to ancestry to check my family tree and see if I could find a Scottish name. When I checked my DNA it seems that some upgrade changed the results, and I no longer have any Scottish or Swedish ancestry. Denmark still shows, so I should still have Viking ancestry. According to the video, I'm still allowed to wear a kilt. It might be a change of definitions and Ireland and Scotland may be included with England.
Michelle

Short sword and shield then!! Dont think you would get away with woad !!

I don't really know why it is called a fanny pack. I wear it in front, hangs a little bit, just like a Scottish purse. I mostly wore the fanny pack when I went for my walks. Most of the time I had a purse with shoulder straps. It has been too wet or too cold lately to go on my walks. Of course, if I am in a store walking up and down the aisles, then I get enough steps to get the equivalent of what I would normally walk.

I don't know if I'm eating something that I should not be eating that causes me to feel cold. I'll see if I improve when I start drinking milk from grass fed cows. I may have to get butter and cheese from grass fed cows. I kind of slipped up and started buying what was cheapest.

I got some cloth wristbands, something like for weight lifting. They keep my wrists warm, so they don't ache. There was something about the metal plates in my wrists losing heat faster than my body can warm them. Cold water seems to instantly cause my wrists to ache.

 I do have a straight weight bar that I now use for curls. It was to force the rotation of my wrists, and then I find out that not everyone can get that rotation. That is why there is a bent weight bar.
I still haven't gotten my wrists to the position for doing pushups.
Michelle

Sometimes things have a way of working out. Currently it looks like the primary medical provider that I had prior to going to the VA, will be the one to prescribe my hormones. That means it will be about a 15 minute drive to the doctor's office instead of the 2 hour drive. Plus she already has my records.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on November 07, 2024, 01:03:10 PMSometimes things have a way of working out. Currently it looks like the primary medical provider that I had prior to going to the VA, will be the one to prescribe my hormones. That means it will be about a 15 minute drive to the doctor's office instead of the 2 hour drive. Plus she already has my records.
Michelle

That is great news, Michelle.

I am happy it worked out.

Yesterday, Nov. 7,2024, I received a call from CentraCare, asking where I would like to have my appointment. She noted that one location was my primary care doctor. I decided to use my primary care doctor, and she would forward the recommendation. I happened to notice my phone battery was down to 19, and put the phone on the charger.
Later I got a text message to call the VA. The VA wanted to know if CentraCare had contacted me. I let the know that they did. While on the line, I asked to be transferred to audiology. I have a 2:15 appointment today to select what type of hearing aid I will get.
I went out on my walk, and got a call. I now have an appointment on Dec. 9, 2024, for my hormone consultation. This is one that I may be glad that I learned the hormone limits beforehand.

I have been having internet problems this morning, with the router showing fluctuating signal strength.
Michelle

I have been having trouble with intermittent internet tonight. T-Mobile internet is not working. Currently off line, I tried a hot spot with my phone and that was no better, T-Mobile carrier.

I got to the VA and my new hearing aids are ordered. When they arrive, they will get programmed and will also connect to the iPhone.
While I was in St. Cloud, Mn. I stopped at Target in the Crossroads Center mall. I finally found the thigh high stockings that I've been looking for. I'm also looking for a proper makeup mirror, that I am unable to find. I don't know what happened to the one I used to have.

I was thinking I should play some video games, but without the internet, it can't find my Xbox profile.
Something else I noticed, was that Xbox had to have my credit card on file to give me a free game update.

It got a bit interesting with one video. I could wear Viking jewelry with a Scottish Kilt.
Michelle

When it was time for my puberty, my dad gave me a book called "Towards Manhood", that he got from the church. I started reading it. I got no further than the first couple of pages, where I read "God in his wisdom gave us the proper bodies, boys do not want to be girls, and girls do not want to be boys." I was ready to throw the book across the room.
I do get tired of the rhetoric that God does not make mistakes when he gives us our genitals, and any other birth defect is caused by nature and needs to be fixed.
The church elders can berate us for making a choice of being homosexual, yet have no answer when asked when they chose to be heterosexual. This anti homosexual is pushed to the point that a father dare not hug his son like he hugs his daughter, a boy dare not hug his brother like he hugs his sister.

The mere fact that I could show love towards another boy and I get a lecture about being gay. Why do they have no concept that I can be both male and female. Being female I can love a male, being male I can love a female. They twisted it all around, it became, being male, it is forbidden to love a male, being female, it is forbidden to love a female.
I just now saw something, it is a problem with language, using the word love instead of sex.
Michelle

I watch these videos about clothing, and sometimes I come across something odd. The guy said wearing armor and a mini skirt, don't be absurd. Then a little lesson in history, male Roman solders wearing mini skirts, and they aren't the only ones.

You can quote the Bible all you want, about a male wearing female clothes. You have broken so many rules of the Bible, but you say it is ok because God has forgiven you, and then you judge me for wearing a dress.
Michelle

I have been plagued all day with intermittent internet connection. Having to check my signal strength, and even running a cable to the router. It seems the computer would disconnect from the Wi-Fi when the internet connection was lost.

I wrote something to post and then accidentally closed the browser window, deleting what I had written.

Today I am doing laundry. I set the timer on the dryer and then set a kitchen timer next to my computer. The problem is if I am in the kitchen or bathroom, I don't hear the timer ring.
My new hearing aids will connect to my iPhone and I can answer the phone through the hearing aids. I should be able to answer the phone when it is on the charger and I am 20+ feet away. I think the phone will need to hear me, but the hearing aids should have a microphone.
 I was wondering if I could get a text to speech program, and the phone could read me the text messages as I get them. Most importantly the reminder messages to take my pills. I guess I could tell Siri to remind me.

I need to do some figuring. I'm now thinking the computer can connect through Wi-Fi to the iPhone and send me notifications. At the very least update the calendar in the phone.
Michelle

A long time ago, possibly 1995, when I was running windows 95, I had a small automation setup. I had the computer controlling a couple of lights. Using the scheduler in windows, it was programed to turn on a lamp. The lamp was to inform me it was time for bed. At the designated time, the computer shut off the lights, or started dimming the lights (I don't recall which). Finally the computer turned itself off.
I even used the scheduler to pop up text files to remind me when a tv show was about to come on.

On the newer version of windows, I have been unable to do any of that. I don't know how many appointments and other stuff I have put into the calendar, and I don't think I have ever heard any reminder. Must be another windows program that you need to go on the internet to figure out how to get it to work properly. And when you do get it working, an update breaks it again.

What happened was I got up yesterday, and my bottle of vitamins and glass of water were still on the table from the day before. I must have gotten the glass of water, and then had to go to the bathroom, and totally forgot about my vitamins. I think I need a new routine where my pills get put into an empty glass and placed by the computer.

It was not my intent to write this stuff. What I intended to write was that I may have made a mistake in my shoe size. I realized I had been wearing athletic socks with a women's shoe size 12, which I can't find in the stores. Without the athletic socks, I may wear a women's shoe size 11, which I can find in Target or any shoe store.
Michelle

I got up this morning, my computer showed 11/11/2024. I thought to myself, today is Monday, as I wrote down my weight. This morning I remembered to put my pills in a glass and put them by my computer. I needed to mail a check today. After watching a few videos, I checked my email. One said VA News, Happy Veteran's Day.
Veteran's day means post office is closed. Today they dedicate the new Veteran's park in my town. I go to Facebook and read about the armistice, on the 11th hour, on the 11th day, in the 11th month. The hour might depend on where you were in the world.

I knew it by another name, it is called Armistice Day.
Michelle

 So much going through my mind. From romance novels to Barbie movies. I don't know how many Barbie movies I have, but I have watched them. I think I have one Bratz movie, and a lot of Monster High movies. I have even seen a lot of home made Barbie and Monster High videos on You Tube.
For some reason I missed the Disney Descendants movies. Maybe small town store not having the movies.
It was a little surprise to me that there was narration of a romance story on You Tube. Now that I watched/listened to it, You Tube is recommending more.  I have also watched a bunch of Vchat videos.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I like romance novels and romance movies. I just recently re-watched a couple of Monster High movies.

Way back in the 1990s, I got a few instructional videos. Things like Texas line dancing, and belly dancing.
I even got a video of male models.
Michelle 

Somewhere somebody has said that transgender people know how to program computers. I thought to myself that can't be right since I don't know how to program computers. Knowing how to program computers has nothing to do with being transgender.

I thought about it for a while and realized I had forgotten a few things. My first computer was a Radio Shack Tandy Color Computer. I followed the instructions in the book and did some programing. I even put a tv schedule into the computer. The program was saved on a regular audio cassette using a portable cassette recorder. I had magazines for the color computer and would hand type the programs into the computer.

Next was an IBM computer running DOS. Bill Gates had not stolen Windows yet, so this was pre-windows. There was a program called basic, that could be used to write other programs. The programs written in basic could only be run in basic.

In DOS we had .BAT files. They were mainly text files. They could be used to list program names on screen and then tell what the shortcut name was.

Somewhere I have the instructions for taking objects out of video games and converting them for Sims 2. I actually took a statue of Lara Croft and put it into the Sims 2 game. Being interested, I learned how to make the meshes for the Furry Sims. These sims had tails and properly placed ears.

I guess I am a programmer after all.
Michelle

Not all of us dear, I have enough trouble just working this lap top!!!

In the early years of the internet, Somebody suggested that it would be nice if there was some physical characteristic that would show that we were transgender. There was discussion on finger length might give a clue. What I doing is comparing the pointer finger length with the ring finger length.
The latest I heard was that it can determine if you are gay. In my case that is false, unless I am a female, then my fingers show I am heterosexual.  A quick check now shows it may be a measure of intelligence.

There is a chair lift that women can do and men can't. Basically your head is against the wall and holding the chair up, you stand up straight. I must be different as I can do it.
Just today I saw a new one, being on elbows and knees, put your arms behind your back without falling over. If you can do it, it proves you are female.
Being 5'9" tall and weighing about 160 pounds, my center of gravity may be such that I can do both.

Out of curiosity, I decided to measure my wing span, that is finger tip of one hand to finger tip of the other. My height is 5'9", and my wing span is 6'2". That gives me a wing span of +5. Doing exercises of touching my toes, I can actually touch the floor. The other day I realized I forgot to do my toe touches. When I tried, I was surprised that I could not touch my toes. I then realized I was wearing high heels.
Michelle

I have long legs for my height so that makes it harder to touch my toes and when I have the car seat set for my legs the steering wheel can be a bit farther than I would like. Sorted on my Hot Rod as I built it to fit me!!

When I lived back on the farm, I used to daydream about having my own place. I could wear my dresses while inside the house, and change to jeans when I went outside. For some reason it never worked out. The first couple of years I wore jeans around the house.
One day I stepped outside to walk to the post office, and I felt my breasts bounce as I went down the steps. It was later that I picked up my earrings from beside my computer. For some reason when I moved, my earrings ended up beside my computer. It had been a long time since I had taken them off. I started to take the men's clothes to the thrift shop, and pick up women's clothes. Then came the fall, breaking both wrists. With that was an experience of having female nurses wipe my rear after using the bathroom. A forced reality of being in a rest room the same time as women. It makes it easier to take that step into the women's rest room at the store.
After getting out of the hospital, I did start wearing skirts around the house. during this time I would step outside and make a couple of trips around the outside of the house. I went outside while wearing the skirt. I even tried on my bikini tops, and wore them outside.
The real test was when I stepped outside, went to the sidewalk, and walked to the post office while wearing a skirt. Within a month of getting out of the hospital, I was at the corn carnival, wearing my leather skirt.
Michelle

For 30 years I worked at the letter shop. I worked the night shift, starting work at 4:00 PM. Our shift did 4 ten hour days per week, getting done at 2:00 AM. Except overtime would push it to 5 ten hour days per week. And occasionally Saturdays and Sundays. I think the first 10 years I ran an inserting machine, Then got put as a stock person, finally running a fork lift. One Halloween, I was Dorthy on a forklift.
It gets a bit rough trying to change my sleep patterns from getting to bed at 4:00 AM. and getting up at noon. I keep trying to get to bed before midnight, but then I might look at the clock and realize it is after 1:00 AM. For some reason I seem to sleep for 9 hours, before getting up. Then in the morning everything is behind schedule.
Michelle

I see by the videos that somebody in congress is trying to prevent a newly elected transgender person from using the restroom of her choice. I understand that the individual offices have their own restrooms, so the likelihood of finding her in the public restroom is slim.
Unisex or single person restrooms would seem ok, except that I don't know if I could get used to knocking on the door before entering, and walk in on someone who forgot to lock the door. Then there is the store where they have the so called family restroom along with the men's restroom and women's restroom. Any guesses that the single person going into the family restroom is transgender? A guy followed me in, saying he was looking for his backpack.
For my safety, I decided I would be better off using the women's rest room. I will never know if the janitor in the one men's restroom decided I was a female and should not be in there, and suggested the use of the family restroom. Or if it was because the toilet stall was in use.

At any rate, there are already self proclaimed restroom police. One incident being real police called on a cis woman who was thought to be a trans-woman using the restroom.
Michelle

Forgot to add: some trans people limit their travel to as long as the time needed to return home and not use a public restroom.

In the gas station on the west edge of Cokato, MN. there are 2 unisex restrooms. I don't know if the original intent may have been ...
There used to be a Shopko near the traffic light, but now there is a Kwik Trip gas station. It has a men's restroom, a women's restroom, and a unisex (Family) restroom.
I have been playing sims 4, and today I noticed that the public restrooms have the unisex signs.

Just thinking about while I was still living on the farm. I don't know how many people were living there as it had turned into a flop house. Somebody had put a women's sign on the bathroom door. So technically I had been using the women's bathroom for a couple of years.
One day I had gone downstairs and a girl was washing her hair, and left the bathroom door open. She stated that she wouldn't mind me using the toilet.

Just a reminder that I am assigned male at birth. In one store, the restrooms are within sight of the cashier. The question is, If the cashier yells that I am entering the wrong restroom when I am entering the men's restroom, is that the same as telling me to use the women's restroom.

It is interesting that Nancy Mace feels threatened by having a biological male in the women's restroom due to the fact that she had been raped. But she would have no problem forcing a feminine looking male that had been raped to use the men's restroom.
Michelle

I was playing sims 4 again and noticed that one of the gyms had separate men's and women's bathrooms. One sim is transgendered, and I saw her enter the men's and take a shower and then later entered the women's. Its just a game, the markings on the doors don't mean anything to the sims.

I think my dad said it way back in the 1970s, if a boy has long hair, you can't tell that he is a boy. I sometimes wonder if during his hunting trips he found a woman to sleep with. Imagine waiting at the door of the rest room for a pretty woman to come out, only to find out it is a very feminine male.
I believe my dad was homophobic, and would have had a fit if the woman he picked up at the bar turned out to be in his eyes, a man in a dress. To avoid such embarrassment,  he would support anti cross dressing laws. And support laws to keep men out of the women's restroom.
I was just wondering if the regulation was worded such that a male repairman can't enter the women's restroom to do any repair work.
Michelle

Back in the 1990s, there wasn't much for restroom regulations. I think part of the transgender program was that you had to live as the opposite gender for a year including using the restroom.
 Where I worked it was decided that as long as I had male parts, I was not allowed to use the women's restroom. If I had any problems with the restroom in the production area, I could use the restroom in the front offices. The problem was that the cleaning lady worked during our shift, and put a out of service sign at the door of the office restroom the whole time even while cleaning the offices.

Unrelated was the guy who decided that the restroom should only be used during break time. When I tried to use the restroom, he would block my path and point to the machine I had been working on. I would go back to my machine without using the restroom. During break time I was busy doing other stuff, and did not use the restroom. Did I mention that I am autistic, and may not remember that I didn't use the restroom. Anyway, I did the whole 10 hour shift without using the restroom. The worst part was that I did not have any urge to use the restroom. It messed up my system.

I wasn't about to do what the mechanics and a couple of stock men did, and that was that they would go out and water the truck tires.

Then there was the time when I went to use the restroom and a mechanic was in there with his pants off. I was quickly out the door. It may have triggered a response since I had been abused as a child. To be honest, I realized that he might have spilled some cleaning liquid on himself and was washing his pants.
Michelle

About 20 years ago I had gone to a audio doctor. He told me not to bother with getting hearing aids, as they would not help me.(scaring on my ear drums.) Today I got fitted with new hearing aids, adjusted to amplify the frequencies. I could actually hear my own voice. I need to find the video with me talking, and really find out what I sound like. I didn't know the keys on my computer keyboard actually click.
Driving home I could finally understand the words of the song on the radio.
Michelle

I'm still learning about the hearing aids. They are connected via Bluetooth to my iPhone. I can answer the phone through the hearing aids, but I need to get used to that. The first call I missed due to not finding the button on the hearing aid, most likely a spam call. This morning I missed a call due to my hearing aids being on the charger and not hearing it ring. Mostly the calls are spam calls, this time of year being for medicare advanced plans. I also get calls that are computer generated for VA appointments.

Looking at the instructions, they could be connected via Bluetooth to the tv using an adapter. The same should be true with the desk computer, though a lap top possible would connect directly.
I need to more research to see if I could connect to a video game console. I think a game console had a problem with game sounds only going over the speakers and communication with other players going over the headphones through the game controller.

I'm still thinking I can get audio notifications for taking pills and for appointments through the phone.
Michelle.

Mine are like that too. Anything that is Bluetooth (TV, phone, etc. can be paired to the hearing aids. I stopped doing that because I was constantly getting beeped from text messages, emails, Facebook updates, Windows notifications, etc. It was too much and very distracting when I was driving. Now I just use them like hearing aids, not connected to anything except my ears.

It happened again, VA insists that it is an endocrinologist, and be a specialist in gender care. less than a week until my appointment and it has been canceled. This hospital no longer has endocrinologists that provides such service, although they have gynecologists that can provide the service.

A question was asked why a trans-female would need to have a gynecologist. The answer is simple, a doctor that is a specialist in the female body would know what to expect with a body on female hormones. such doctor should also know what the levels should be after the patient goes through menopause, and can prescribe the proper doses.

This time we will try the university of Minnesota gender health clinic. Looking at the map, it looks like somebody took a few freeways and tied them into knots. Then I have to figure out which lane I need to be in to get to where I am going.
The last time I had driven near that area I was unaware the the highway number had changed shortly before I went onto the freeway. On my way back I missed my turn as I was looking for the wrong number.

First I need to find out if they will accept the referral, and give my an appointment.
Michelle

I can't help but think I have been doing this all wrong. I'm trying to go through the VA, and have now had 2 appointments cancelled. I live in a state that has implied consent, all I need is a video consultation with someone from from planned parenthood, and I would have my prescription for estradiol. Another route would be through medicare, and from what I can tell, the generic form through good RX would be about $25.00.

Expecting to finally have my prescription, I allowed my herbal medicines to run out.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on December 08, 2024, 05:01:20 PMI can't help but think I have been doing this all wrong. I'm trying to go through the VA, and have now had 2 appointments cancelled. I live in a state that has implied consent, all I need is a video consultation with someone from from planned parenthood, and I would have my prescription for estradiol. Another route would be through medicare, and from what I can tell, the generic form through good RX would be about $25.00.

Expecting to finally have my prescription, I allowed my herbal medicines to run out.
Michelle

I find that very confusing. My first prescription I got after a video consult with Minneapolis. I don't understand why you haven't been able to get appointments. Even if the Endocrinologist were to die, they should be sending you to one in the community, or even in their Women's Health Clinic. Mine are monitored and prescribed by a Gynecologist, not an Endocrinologist. Technically, your Primary doctor could do it, but the VA prefers providers "stay in their lane" when it comes to Specialty Care.

I would contact the LGBTQ Care Coordinator about this. If you can't get hold of them, contact the Patient Advocate and let them know what is going on. Somebody needs to light a fire under those people and get things moving for you.

It's good that you stopped the herbals. They do more harm than good when it comes to hormones.

The VA cancelled the last appointment because she was not an endocrinologist. CentraCare had assigned this doctor. She was not on the VA approved list.
Michelle

What did she say, self loathing gets in the way of feeling gender dysphoria. I don't know if that is the proper wording. It is like watching the boy pick up the hay bale and toss it onto a wagon, and have anger at yourself because you can barely lift the bale off the ground. It doesn't help that you get yelled at when you don't have the strength to lift the hay bale.

The same as it is my fault that I failed my drivers test, when when my dad decided that he would not pay for drivers training. Expecting me to pass the drivers test without any experience driving on the road.

It was interesting that I could clean barn two days in a row so that I was not cleaning barn on Christmas, but never at any other time would it be allowed. So on New Years day, I was out there cleaning barn, alone. Should I assume my dad was watching the New Years Parade on tv while I was cleaning barn.

It was his word that his fingers were smashed while putting the drive belt onto the thrashing machine, and now he could not do any work. When he found out about the person getting their fingers in the clothes wringer, blamed me for it. That caused nightmares for me. The nightmare was that I was cranking the clothes wringer while fingers were going... This was practically every night. I was about ready to go apologize to my cousin for smashing his fingers. Wondering if it really happened. Finally the realization that my carpel tunnel was due to the fact that it was my fingers that went through the wringer. There was no physical evidence that my fingers went into the wringer, so it could be denied that it ever happened.

It was interesting that my dad's dad lost his fingers in an accident. My dad's fingers were smashed, but any claim by me is a mockery.
My mother made the comment that she did not know who got their fingers smashed, but it definitely was not me. To admit that it was me, would be to admit that I was helping my grandmother wash clothes.

For my mother to deny that my fingers were smashed, she can deny that I was helping my grandmother.
deny that I swept the floors or washed the dishes.
Even though there are photos, she can deny that she put dresses on me, she can deny that I had a big doll, and deny that I had a doll house. Basically deny that there was anything feminine about me when I was a child.
Michelle

My dad bought me my first car, even though I didn't have a driver's license. My sisters did not know that I had to pay him for the car. Since I was not old enough to own a car, my mother's name was also put on the title. The car needed a little bit of repair work, and I would get no help. The interesting thing was he never needed my permission to drive my car, and I think he had a set of keys for it.

When my sister got old enough, my dad bought her a van. The van needed a lot of work, since it had come from a junkyard. Again he was unable to do the work due to his hand, and I was told to do the work.

To clarify, My dad was unable to do any work because his hand had been smashed, but he had no problem riding a mini bike around the yard.
Michelle

20-30 years ago gets a bit difficult to remember. It would have been the early years of the internet. I was looking for someplace that would be able to take care of my gender problems. If I am remembering right, I found a place on the map that was called U. of MN. gender clinic. The very idea that it has taken 30 years to get there. Mostly due to the fact that certain people felt they had to knock me down all the time.

Sometimes I wonder if it was something I said that I got into the therapy sessions for panic attacks to control it through the use of meditation instead of medication.

I think it was last spring when someone at the senior center stated that there were a lot of people that left the St. Cloud VA due to dissatisfaction. This is my first year going to the VA and never got the female hormones in the past so I have no idea how things are supposed to go.

I may still be in the past where I need to live as a female for a year before I can get the female hormones.
Michelle

Almost forgot, I have an appointment at the Fairview (U. of MN.)gender clinic before the end of the year.

30 years ago, or somewhere around there. I go to see my therapist, and there is another person there. I get asked about masturbation, and give my answer. I am then told that it is proof that I love being a male, and I am not transsexual. Not once was there any discussion about it. I did this to avoid waking up during the night with a sticky mess in my pants. besides it was a large clit.
At this point it would not have done any good to find a different therapist, as it was now in my record that I was not a transsexual.

Part of the program was to live as the opposite gender for a year, including the use of the rest room. The therapist would get a report from the employer after the year to find out if the requirements were followed. The employer was under no obligation to allow the use of the opposite gender rest room. Since I was not in the program, I was not under any requirements. I did not need the permission of a therapist to wear women's clothes. And the employer did not give me permission to use the women's rest room.

There had been some discussion as to what would pass as being clothing of the opposite gender. Wondering if wearing jeans would do or if a skirt would be required. In my case, I was wearing women's jeans and shirt, and women's athletic shoes. Properly dressed to drive a forklift.

I sometimes wonder if my mother was intentionally trying to make me a sissy boy. The idea being to punish me for being a boy by putting dresses on me. Her dad makes her angry, and I get called a girl (housewife). But there is a mystery, and that is that my body took a female shape, when my birth certificate says male.
Michelle

It says angling, year 2000. I think that was the last time I bought a fishing license. I gave up on fishing. I would catch fish and bring them home and clean them. while I was gone, my mother made a big kettle of stew. I would eat the stew and the fish got put in the refrigerator. Before I got up in the morning, my mother would toss the fish out to the cats, and tell me that the fish had spoiled overnight. In that respect, the act of fishing became a waste of time.
The river was not quite close enough to cast a line from our porch, but we would have people fishing from the bridge. I did not like the idea that my mother would accept fish from someone fishing and then days later the fish had to be dumped.

I think she once said something about the bad smell from cooking any meat other than the basic beef, pork, chicken or turkey. Canned fish such as tuna was ok in a tuna hot dish. There again, hunting would be a waste of time, and I am discouraged from hunting.
I think after my dad died, there was no more venison on our table. My mother would have no reason to cook any more venison.
I keep thinking about the last time we gathered any maple syrup. I expected to have maple syrup on pancakes and found out after cooking down the syrup, my mother gave it all away to her brothers and sisters. I'm guessing that she did not like the taste of the maple syrup.
Michelle

Edit: This morning I remembered the fish sticks and fish fillets. Also that they came from the freezer in the store, and were just put into the oven to bake.

Trying to remember what I wanted to write. I can put it two different ways.
1. only girls can be left handed.
2. none of my mother's children will be left handed.

My cousin who was a girl, was left handed. That in itself could be a problem, if I learned how to do things from her. More likely was the fact that my left eye was the dominant eye, and that led to my left hand being my dominant hand. Being descended from the English, my mother decided that we must use the proper etiquette.
Not only must I use the proper hand, but I must also use the proper utensil, and hold it properly. And if I wasn't sitting properly, my hair got yanked to make me sit properly. As for eating, as long as the knife remained in my right hand, I could eat with my left. I am capable of eating with my right hand and cutting my meat with my left.
I was also forced to learn to write with my write hand. (just to show the confusion between write and right.) Just to add more confusion, put right as opposed to wrong.

The thing is when I get to 7th grade at the church school, there is a boy there that writes with his left hand.
Michelle

Hi Michelle,


Merry Christmas!


Chrissy

I was kind of listening to a you tube video. I was reminded of a class reunion, where one woman told me how her husband waited for her to get old enough to marry. The video was kind of suggesting that was still a case of the older man influencing a younger girl.
It would be the same as the 25 year old man using his elder status to SA a 4 year old girl, even though it was a boy in a dress. Mother denying she put a dress on her boy, is in effect denying the SA.

I remember one time in grade school, I was using the urinal, and the boy behind me put his hands on my shoulders and spun me around. I don't remember what happened after that, but I suspect that he got peed on. That was the beginning of having dread in the boy's rest room, which carried over into when I became an adult in the men's rest room.

In high school, after phys-ed class, one boy had his expensive watch stolen. We were all lined up along the wall while the coach frisked each of us to find the watch. The watch was not found, and we would remain until the watch was recovered. We were there until the accuser found the watch in his own pocket. I don't remember if there were any apologies.
Michelle

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff. One being the pain in my side while growing up. My dad says he doesn't feel anything and I should get back to work. I had an appendectomy while in the army. I was told that it ruptured while I was on the operating table. Any bets that the pain in my side as a child was my appendix.

Living in Minnesota, part of my chores was to use a ice chisel to make holes in the river to water the cows in the winter. One day I slipped and the chisel went through my boot. I finished with my chores before going for first aid. My dad accused me of injuring myself to get out of doing chores. Never did see a doctor about it.
Chopping all those holes in the ice on the river, and never had time for fishing.

For some reason, it seems my dad got the idea that the older child will try to kill the younger child out of jealousy. According to my understanding, the difference in our ages would trigger a protector relationship, and she could also be considered a first born. The one born between us actually had a birth defect and she got pneumonia. Being born in the house on the farm in December, it would take a lot of effort to get her to the hospital. I don't know if my dad blamed her death on a 2 year old not getting a jacket on fast enough. Or maybe a wish that it had been the other way around.
 You may have heard of a younger child trying to meet the standards set by an older child that had died. This is a bit different, it is speculation. If she would have lived, she would have gotten A grades in school, so there is no reason that you can not get A grades.

Speaking of school, my dad was one of those that walked to school, uphill both ways in a blizzard. My dad failed to mention that the school was 3/4 of a mile from where he lived. My brother thought he walked the 5 miles to town.
Michelle

I was over 21 when I moved out and was living with a friend. My mother insisted that I move back home. Growing up it was apparent that you obeyed or got punished. Once I was back home, she convinced me that they were not my friends and going there was a waste of time. I can speculate that she did not approve of me living with a guy. And she just might have come to get me and grab me by the hair to get me to obey. We can't have the appearance of sinning, with 2 guys living together. And it is also a sin for a male to wear female clothes. And for that, I get my face slapped.
 But it is ok for me to drive my sister 50 miles to visit my cousins husband, the result of being the live in baby sitter. In fact my dad cosigned the loan, or gave him a loan for him to buy some land when they got married. Another sister slept with her boyfriend at our house, and made some joke about wanting to get into her pants and was wearing them.

What I am getting at is it seems that my mother decided she needed to control me to prevent me from sinning by being trans female. But my siblings were rewarded for their extra marital sex. I even had to drive my mother to visit her boyfriend and then get woke up in the morning hearing them showering together. Because she has me drive this every weekend, I have no time for myself.
This is a case of choosing which commandments are not to be broken.
Michelle

This is going to be rough. I will be driving into the twin cities on one freeway and change freeways twice. Then I need to get off the freeway and change streets. When I get done with my appointment, I need to figure out how to get back home. And do all this without a navigator.

One time I was at a place in the cities for a party. When we left, my mother said turn right. We took the long way home. Later it was mentioned that I made a wrong turn leaving, and my mother said something about me not listening to her. Later to me she said we went out the wrong exit. I wonder if it was on purpose so that everyone would see me turn in the wrong direction.

I could go on, putting in a new bathroom, she told me that she did not want running water in the bathroom sink. When someone mentioned the lack of running water, she said someone got lazy and didn't finish the job.
Michelle

I've been finding some ->-bleeped-<- posts in the you tube videos. The you tube channel analyzes the post. reminded me of some of the things I went through. After saying I thought I was allergic to milk, my mother stated that because I grew up on a dairy farm, it was not possible for me to be allergic to milk. She then hands me a dish of ice cream telling me to eat it. I also grew up with a threat of being punished for not eating what was put in front of me. There are times when a parent sets out to prove that the allergy does not exist by feeding food that has the allergen.
My brother-in-law once corrected me, that it was only a lactose intolerance. Guess what, now that he is having problems, he says allergy.
Breaking both wrists, I decided to drink milk again. I have no problems, but I insist on milk from pasture raised cows.

The videos are mostly about mother's day, and I will not celebrate mother's day. Simply put, my dad went for a boat trip on the river on mother's day back in 1979. His body was found 13 days later.
#2, I see no reason to celebrate a woman who abuses her male children.
Michelle.

Sorry, the fact that my mother died 3 years ago does not automatically free me from the abuse that she did. There could be things that I don't remember, but still influences how I act. Such as my tinker toys thrown into the stove because she accidentally stepped on them and got angry. This was after she sent me out to get wood for the stove.
Michelle

So sorry to hear you grew up in an abusive home. I to felt abused growing up and for most of my life. The fights at dinner where I wasn't allowed to leave the table till I ate my Brussel sprouts or some other vegetable. When I was young she would hold my nose then shove food in, when I gasped for air. I could go on and on. At 62 now and she has been dead for a few years but the memories haunt me every day. I wish there was a magic wand to make it go away.
If you find a solution let me know.

Lucky me, I don't remember anything like that, but I did see my mother do that to my nephew. I was abused by my mother. I even got my face slapped a few years ago for wearing a woman's ring.
Sitting in front of a female doctor, my anxiety was up and I had trouble talking. I did not give the right answers to get any hormones. Makes me wonder, too old. Why didn't you do this 20 years ago.
My head is too messed up, I need psychiatric therapy first.
Michelle

It seems that things are unbalanced. I should not expect my posts to be read if I don't read other posts. I could take it a step further, I should not expect my posts to be read even if I read other posts. I'm not important enough, I grew up in a family where my sister was more important than me. She was a real girl, and she never lied. Quite literally, she stabbed my cousin in the legs with a hay fork, and I got punished. My dad did not see the marks on my legs, so to him they did not exist. He did not want to hear what I had to say because he believed I would lie. Do I have to say I was punished because I was a boy?
I think I did say it once, my mother raised me as a girl. I don't know if I became the replacement daughter when my sister died, and then became the evil son when another girl was born.
There was a tv commercial where the milk drips from the table and there is yelling. I just dreaded that. There was more than yelling in my life. When visiting, and told to sit there, I moved as little as possible, for fear of being punished. If I dared move my sister made sure my mother knew. My mother got complemented on how well behaved I was. I trembled in fear.

The Idea of me being both may have started in an effort to protect myself. Of course I had been raised as both. Kind of like taking on the identity of my dead sister, but still remaining myself.
What was the word, psychosomatic, The menstrual cramps were not real because boys don't get cramps. Then why was my mother giving me pills for menstrual cramps?

Those aren't real breasts. Sorry, the person at the swimming pool didn't see it that way. I got banned for swimming topless. I ask myself why I didn't put on a t shirt, because someone convinced me they weren't real.
Really, I grew breast because I thought I was a girl, or was it I thought the growth of breasts confirmed the idea that I was both.
Michelle.

Isn't that the way it goes. It says male on my birth certificate, so it is not possible that I am intersex. I'm sitting with the therapist, and he is telling me it never happens (can't be both). I am hiding a pair of breasts under my shirt. I should accept what he says as the truth, when the breasts are very real. There is no more discussion because it never happens.

Can you understand, further discussion may have revealed to me that there are other reasons breasts grow on a male.
Michelle

@Michelle K
Dear Michelle:
Please know that you are indeed an important person and an important and
active member here on the Susan's Place Forum.

Also please be aware that members including myself read your posts as evidenced by
the fact that your various posts on the Forum have been "Thanked: 97 times" and
"Liked" even more times"

Many of our members post prolifically but the don't always receive reply comments. 
Usually if a member reads a posting and then does not feel that they have anything
significant to say or can not contribute in a positive way, they will read a posting,
maybe even "Like" it  or "Thank" it ...but may not respond.

Ever since you returned to the Forum 7 months ago on May 2nd you have posted 175 times
and have been "Thanked" for more than half of your postings....
...so you know for certain that your postings, thoughts and comments are being read.

I am sorry to read of the personal troubles that you experienced at the beginning of your
transition journey, rest assured that you are not alone with those kinds of difficulties.

As you continue to actively involve yourself here on the Forum by interacting with other
members that leave reply comments to your postings here on your Blog thread or on other
various postings that you submit you will undoubtedly become familiar and even develop
friends with other like-minded members. 
This does not usually happen quickly, but the more that you involve yourself in the
 various topics and threads on the Forum, you will see more progress in that regard.

I am glad that you decided to start your own "Life Of Michelle K" blog thread and
previously your "A Girl Named Boy" Blog thread shortly after you returned and then
introduced yourself.

Please continue to be involved here on the Forum, there is not only a lot of useful
information here on Susan's Place but also the other postings submitted by our members
can offer great insight to the transition journey questions that you may have.

You can consider your Blog thread as your HOME here on the Forum where your readers and
followers can  find you to leave their comments and to share with you.

Also your Blog thread is your shared personal journal that you can use to write down your
thoughts and comments as you navigate your journey and life endeavors.

If you have any questions regarding the Forum or issues with finding things here always
feel free to write to me and ask.

I eagerly look forward to seeing and reading your future postings as you continue to share
regarding your life journey.

Many HUGS and wishing you success and happiness,  ❤️❤️❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator

                  cc: @Sarah B  @Lori Dee  @Jessica_Rose  @Devlyn

I agree with Danielle.

I ALWAYS read your blog posts, even though I may not always have time to respond. I think you know that because we have discussed your access to care at the VA.

We might only have a dozen or so members who are logged in at any one time, but we have over a thousand guests who are reading the various posts and looking for information. Since you post regularly, I would guess that your posts are being read by those guests too.

If your therapist is not being supportive, it is time to find another therapist. Being supportive is their job. They get paid to be supportive and help you figure things out. If that is not happening, fire them and get someone who will do the job.

Transitioning is not a quick and easy process. We all have ups and downs. Just take it one day at a time. You got this.

I should have put it another way, I feel guilty about not reading all the other posts. Unfortunately the eye surgery didn't exactly go the way it should have. separately, each eye sees very clearly. Together, my vision is blurred. So, I have to close one eye to read the computer screen.

The fog yesterday did not help anything. Sometimes I need to close one eye. That was a 2 hour trip just to get there, and I was an hour early. By the time I got into the doctor's office my anxiety was way up and it got difficult to say what I wanted to say. And then the throat pain got to me.

I think I should go back to St. Cloud and demand that I get my asthma inhaler, even though I have never been diagnosed with asthma. The report of the results from the CT lung scan should be enough.

20 years ago I was on medication for panic attacks. My truck broke down on the way to get a refill, and I never got it refilled. If it is the same medication for ADHD and autism, see if I can get a new prescription.

Thinking about how the spray on my breasts from the new shower head made my legs tremble, I thought back to an accident back in December, 1967. My legs felt like they turned to rubber and I went down. I think a recent head scan showed evidence of an old head injury. Something else that my mother denies happened, and blames me for ruining Christmas by running away from home. Nobody asked me what happened, I got put into therapy.
Michelle

Edit: A quick joke--A side effect for the panic attack medication was possible breast growth.
If it fixes my head maybe I will see better.

A long time ago I came up with a crazy idea. I don't think I decided that it would not be possible.
The idea was that I would start out in New York, and watch the ball drop. I would then head to the airport and fly across country to California, where I would watch the Rose Parade.
The problem I found in my research was getting a late night flight.

I was reading on face book. Just before midnight raise your left leg, to start the year on the right foot.
Michelle

What do you mean that I need to tell you what I want the hormones to do so that I get the proper dosage?
My understanding is that there is no guarantee that the hormones will do anything. I would like my body fat to be moved to make me look more feminine, and I am asked from where to where.

Why didn't I do this 30 years ago? 30 years ago a Psychologist told me that I enjoyed being a male, and that meant I was not trans.
Why didn't I do this 20 years ago? 20 years ago my mother showed her disapproval with the palm of her hand across my cheek.

If you didn't understand the joke, as a trans I am having trouble getting the hormones, but for panic attacks I got medication that had the side effect of reducing testosterone and causing breast growth.

Interesting thought, the medication would cause infertility, and that would cover up the fact that it was there prior to getting the medication. Never having a sex partner, infertility would never become an issue, and I would never get tested.
I was trying to tell the doctor that side effects of low testosterone will not have any effect on me because I am already suffering from the effects of low testosterone.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 01, 2025, 10:18:49 PMWhat do you mean that I need to tell you what I want the hormones to do so that I get the proper dosage?
My understanding is that there is no guarantee that the hormones will do anything. I would like my body fat to be moved to make me look more feminine, and I am asked from where to where.

You're not wrong, there's no guarantee with hormones since everyone's body reacts differently. I think the doctor asks this question because everyone has different priorities for their transition. IIRC, they asked me the same question when determining my initial dosage.

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 01, 2025, 10:18:49 PMIf you didn't understand the joke, as a trans I am having trouble getting the hormones, but for panic attacks I got medication that had the side effect of reducing testosterone and causing breast growth.

Haha, you got me.  ;D

Quote from: Lilis on January 01, 2025, 11:19:45 PMYou're not wrong, there's no guarantee with hormones since everyone's body reacts differently. I think the doctor asks this question because everyone has different priorities for their transition. IIRC, they asked me the same question when determining my initial dosage.

It is also part of the gender dysphoria diagnosis. After the Psychologist diagnosed, my Primary also asked, then my Endocrinologist. As Lilis said, everyone's transition is different. Some people feel better taking low doses that do mostly nothing. Others want surgery.

The answers they are listening for confirm the diagnosis. Specifically, a desire to be rid of certain secondary sexual characteristics, and to have the secondary sexual characteristics of a different gender. If the only trigger is facial hair, that can be treated without medication. But for other things, like breast development, then a prescription for hormones would be necessary.

I'm so messed up. Maybe from having a mother that would slap my face if I said the wrong thing. Just saying that I'm transsexual would be enough to get my face slapped.
Would it surprise you if I stated that my mother slapped my face before I could even walk. She made a comment once, that she hoped my problem with women was not because she slapped my face while breast feeding. Knowing that breast feeding stopped at six months, I thought to myself, hoping that was not her technique to stop breast feeding. Put it this way, I don't remember it, but I can feel the sting when I see someone wearing a low cut dress.

I wonder if my nephew grabbing me was to see if I really was a male. That would really be something. Wondering why grandma insisted that he call his aunt, uncle. I freaked, I did not need an underage boy telling people that he touched me. I don't know if that was the reason I ended sitting on my bed without pants and a knife in my hand. If it was gone there would be no more false accusations.

Imagine a male that has been so abused that he has to create an illusion that he is a female in order to survive. But there is a bit more to it, as this male was gendered female by others even before he created the illusion. I think the earrings stopped the harassment by the guys where he worked.
Part of that abuse was to teach the child that he could not be trusted around his own sisters, and was not allowed to be near his own sisters.

I remember a tv play back in the 1950s. The husband was so jealous, that he hit the man that was sitting with his wife. The wife tried to get the man to look at the face of the man she had been sitting with. It was his own son.
Imagine a man so jealous, his son is to stay away. I'll drive you to work, this way I know you can't drive home.

To get the truth, do not ask him if he did it, instead ask him why he did it. Advise from my mother.
They didn't want the truth, they just wanted a confession. Another excuse to abuse me.

Just now checked my phone. I had a voice mail from before I woke up. They want an appointment for mental therapy, and it should be covered by the VA.
Michelle

About 20 years ago, I was in female mode discussing with another woman, the fact that my bra was filled with living flesh. Another coworker discussed with me, her plans to get breast reduction surgery.

Did you know old women talk about old men? Sisters will discuss their sex life. I was at the same table.

In some of the videos, they claim to be fem boys. They discussed the idea behind the low dose estrogen. Did I ever explain that for whatever reason, I already have breasts, and soft skin. I've already been told that I have beautiful blue eyes. It make me wonder if estrogen can even do anything for me.

I now have an appointment set up for mental therapy. I think maybe I should do a print out of my previous post to take with me. The first appointment is in person, afterwards will be via internet.
Michelle

I'm going to try something different. See if I can get a timeline.

I grew up on a farm. It was less than a quarter mile to a garbage dump. At the garbage dump I could find dresses and bras that people had thrown out. It was about 1964 that a house from the cities was moved onto our farm, and I'm sure this happened after the house was on the new foundation.
That would make me about 15 years old when I put on a black dress that I found in the dump. I know I went to my mother wearing the dress and she did not approve. Somehow the dress survived and currently is in the closet in my bedroom. There was a box of bras that I hid on a shelf in the barn. My mother found them while cleaning out the milk room to move the freezer to the house. The box got tossed into a bonfire, and my mother stood by the fire until there was nothing left of the bras.

I may have posted this already. About 1984 I decided to change my name. Using all kind of research, such as my nickname was Mike, and an actress on a tv show had the name Michael. Michael can be pronounced Michelle. I doubted that any witness would approve of me getting a female name, I settled on the name Michael.
Something I heard just recently, it is so difficult to remember a name change unless it is because the person got married.
At the time that I changed my name, I was in mental therapy sessions. Unfortunately, insurance was not paying and I had to drop out. The hospital refused my payments so that they could send it to a collection agency.

It cost money to have garbage pickup, so my receipts just got put into boxes or bags. I was not about to take them down to the stove where my mother could go through my papers as she disposed of them. Later I went through them scanning them into my computer. Prior to having barcodes, most receipts only had the prices marked on them, unless it was an order form to be mailed.

Just to mark my timeline, it looks like it may have been the weekend of July 4th,1990, when I first broke my left wrist. A note here that by that time the collection agency has been paid off and I can again go into therapy.

I have a sheet here from June 1993, showing my blood tests were normal. I think that was when the doctor made a comment about my red painted toenails.

I have a receipt from Frederick's of Hollywood for Jan of 1993. It shows suspenders, and suspender hose. Here, suspenders would be the same as garters, suspender hose being thigh high nylons.
Gives new meaning to Monty Python's lumberjack song.
Quite likely I was wearing this under my clothes where I worked. I had to head to the rest room to straighten my socks, which means I was wearing the stay up hose that didn't want to stay up.
Another receipt shows that I ordered a bra from them in march of 1994. I don't have the receipt for the high heel shoes.

If I was wearing this under my clothes at work, quite likely I was wearing it under my clothes to the therapist.
I'm guessing that it was in 1993 that the therapist denied that I was trans. I'm showing that in May, 1993 I started going to a different therapist and insurance no longer covered.

I found one receipt for a Halloween costume dated Oct 15, 1997. That should be the Dorthy costume.
A receipt for two bras dated may 26, 2000.

I don't remember when the wedding was. I think my mother volunteered me to be part of the wedding party.
Hint: The day before the wedding, the fire trucks left the fairgrounds to put out a fire at the school.
When I got my Tuxedo, I also bought a tiara for myself.

Anyway, at this time I was also using moisturizers, and face cleansers.
A receipt for women's special vitamins dated Sept. 14, 2002.
A receipt for costume dated Sept 29, 2002. It could be the Gothic Witch.
A receipt for ladies shirt and jeans dated April 4, 2003. If I bought them, I must be wearing them. The shirt might be the pink t shirt with the cat, worn under another shirt.
Should be the receipt for shot glass labeled Michelle's Bar dated Sept 01, 2003.
Michelle

It is amazing how things with dates on them can jog our memories.

I have a piece of ceramic that my daughter gave me. She put her handprint into the clay and they fired it in a kiln. (The clay, not her hand). She also scratched the year into it. 1987 and I know that she was five years old because she made it in kindergarten class at school.

Now she is grown and married with four kids of her own.

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 03, 2025, 11:09:01 PMI grew up on a farm.

When I was a child, I used to keep some of the animals at my paternal grandmother's farm as pets. Grandma wasn't happy about it and often reminded me that the animals weren't for playing or forming emotional attachments and they had their purpose.

One night, a hen I had been caring for a long after its mother was killed by wild animals didn't return to perch on its favorite tree at dusk. I was around six years old and devastated when my hen never came back.

Some time later, during a game of hide and seek with my five girl cousins and two sisters, I decided to hide under the bed in my grandparents' bedroom. As I lay there quietly, trying not to be found, my grandparents walked into the room. I overheard my grandfather asking my grandmother why she had made a stew with my hen. He wondered aloud how he was supposed to break the news to me, especially since I'd been bothering him to help me search for it in the bush.

I couldn't hold back my emotions. Bursting out from under the bed, I cried hysterically. I grieved for months over that hen, refusing to eat anything my grandmother cooked. I hated grandma for a little while, but then I got over it because she made a deal with me to cover up and let me get away with some things that my grandfather hated. 😅

Michelle,
   Many of your stories are painful for me to read. I grew up on a farm and had many similarities growing up. Mom would spank with a paddle. Dad would just go ballistic and hit with his hands. No matter what happened it was always my fault. Brother slashed my car tires, my fault. Brother hit me over the head with a shovel and knocked me unconscious, my fault. Brother chases my beloved cow with pickup truck causing her death, my fault and parents asked me not to come to the house on Christmas. List goes on and on. Mother finally changed her will at the end and gave the farm to a niece instead of me. Now I'm stuck living in a house on this GD farm and want to get as far away as possible. I grew up with bigger breasts which I would be teased about by the other kids in school. At home I loved them and always dreamed of being a girl. In my teens I seriously contemplated castrating myself.(I had castrated pigs before) I tried to live as my parent wanted. After their death I transitioned but it doesn't help the pain of a lifetime of abuse. Yes I like my body and feel its right to have a vagina and boobs, that I don't have to hide. Sorry I got into a bit of dumping my troubles on you when you already have a full plate. Hang in there sister. I'm always here though I don't always reply.

If another word for chicken is raptor, then I have raptor scars on my forehead from when I was a child.

Having written this out, I can now look at it in a different perspective. I just had a thought and it appears that the therapist telling me I was not trans was before the MD noting my painted toenails.

I had forgotten about my cousin Gena, Since she died in 2002, I know this happened before 2002. the haymow in our barn had somewhat become a party place with chairs and tables, and a ping pong table in the middle.
One evening I was in the haymow sitting when my cousin Gena came up. As she grabbed the front of my shirt she said something about what my brother did. She stopped in mid sentence in shock or surprise, and quickly let go of my shirt, and quickly left. When she grabbed the front of my shirt, she had also grabbed the front of my bra.

The wedding: It was my cousin's wedding, so I can go to ancestry and find when he was married. The fair shows that it was the end of June. The internet was too young for the paper to report the school fire.

I think this shows that the reason I couldn't find anything special to show that I was transgender, was because I was pretty much constantly cross dressed.

The hardest part is a lot of this information will have to go into the questionnaire that I need to fill out for my therapy.
Michelle

In my therapy with the social worker, I mentioned that I ran away from home like my little dog. I then realized I was not responsible for my little dog running away from home, it was what my mother did to the dog.

@michelle K
Dear Michelle:
I had several "bra" experiences as you described.

Before I officially started transitioning and went Full Time  I "under-dressed"
almost all the time with a bra, panties, and painted nails.

I am a "hugger" so there were more than a few times that I felt that the person hugging
me was obviously feeling my bra straps...
...and sometimes the straps were showing around the collar of my shirts.... 
the mistake was most obvious when I was wearing a Red or a Pink bra.
 
There were also many times that I accidentally forgotten that I had applied
nail polish and/or inadvertently displayed my painted finger nails and toe nails.
 
I had many unexpected and surprised compliments from my gal friends even before
I started transitioning and was out.
    "nice nails"  "pretty color"  "nice long nails"  etc, etc.

Of course my pretty female underwear showing above my belt-line was embarrassing.

One time when I was in male mode when I went to my doctor for irregular heart beat issue
at the exam room the nurse and the doctor wanted me to have an EKG ...  so my shirt came
off and even though I had previously taken off my bra, the telltale marks on my chest and
back were very obvious.  Another time at a swimming pool with friends, I had forgotten to
remove the polish on my toes.... bright red!!!!... so I stayed in the water a lot but in the
dressing room with my male friends was quite embarrassing for certain.  It was not long
after those encounters that I came out and most of my friends were aware of my "journey"

Thank you for sharing.
HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 04, 2025, 02:16:39 PM- - - - - -
    {snipped text}
    - - - - - - - -
Having written this out, I can now look at it in a different perspective. I just had a thought and it appears that the therapist telling me I was not trans was before the MD noting my painted toenails.

I had forgotten about my cousin Gena, Since she died in 2002, I know this happened before 2002. the haymow in our barn had somewhat become a party place with chairs and tables, and a ping pong table in the middle.
One evening I was in the haymow sitting when my cousin Gena came up. As she grabbed the front of my shirt she said something about what my brother did. She stopped in mid sentence in shock or surprise, and quickly let go of my shirt, and quickly left. When she grabbed the front of my shirt, she had also grabbed the front of my bra.

Random thoughts:
 If the place where I worked changed ownership 4 times, does that mean I worked for 4 different companies? Even though the name changed, management remained the same, and hire date was considered to be from the first owner.
At the church school, one boy insisted that his dad thought his penis was too big when he was born. He invited anybody to come into the restroom with him and see the scar where it had been shortened. I never saw it, but I would guess that it was a circumcision scar.
I worked for 30 years in the same building, It seems like every year they tried to get the cheapest health insurance. This would mean occasionally the health network would change and the family doctor would no longer be in the network. An injury would mean going to a different clinic and there would be no medical records there.

While I had a broken wrist, we had a party at the a beach. Our family doctor was there, and was giving rides in his Delorean. My sister was a medical secretary.

I think I caught another one of my mother's lies. Using ancestry, I found out not all of my dad's siblings had to get married because of a pregnancy. I think she actually said they thought she had to get married like his brothers and sisters.

It was ok for my sisters to have their boyfriends stay overnight, I think my mother would have freaked if I had a boyfriend stay over. I think she would have freaked if she found out I had a boyfriend.
Michelle

My dad was right -- 1+1=3.....1 man plus 1 woman equals a family of 3 unless you have twins.

When I was a teen, I found one of my dad's nudest magazines. The photos were airbrushed, none of the women had any nipples or genitals. They made the Barbie doll look like she was anatomically correct. There was another nudest magazine that I treated as a coloring book. Just now thinking that I colored clothes onto them.
Michelle

Sorry, I keep getting the feeling that I have no right to post anything like that. It might go back to what I was taught about not saying anything bad about anybody.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 06, 2025, 02:16:25 PMSorry, I keep getting the feeling that I have no right to post anything like that. It might go back to what I was taught about not saying anything bad about anybody.
Michelle

Hi, Michelle.

If you are unsure about whether a story should be posted or not, follow the guidelines in the Terms of Service. That will ensure that you are not breaking any rules, but also that you are not unintentionally offending your readers.

If you need a quick refresher course, check it out here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,2.0.html

It doesn't make sense. I'm deleting my own posts because they violate my own rules. I know about triggers, as it happened to me. Decades ago a story about washing machine wringers triggered nightmares, until I remembered I was the one who got the fingers caught, and I got blamed for putting somebody else's fingers into the wringer, when there was nobody else.

Then there might be that I was told not to report the abuse, because they might decide to punish me for reporting the abuse.

At the moment I need to fill out a questionnaire for psychotherapy. There is a space for listing abuse.

I have a religious background. I was taught that parents are representatives of God, and I must obey my parents. My dad once told my that I should put on women's clothes and go into the women's bathroom to spy on the women. I ask myself if I am going into the women's rest room because he said to, or because I am a transsexual. As for spying on the women, the cubicles make that very difficult.
You could say that I am a gay male, and I would be more afraid of a guy thinking I was checking him out, while in the men's rest room.
I wonder if it might have been the lecture about being gay while at the church school. Something about me not having the proper receptacle to receive a male.
Michelle 
 

I found a couple of slips from a pharmacy. They are for Ciprofloxacin, prescribed for an urinary tract infection. Looking at the list of side effects, and then seeing the word irreversible. One side effect is an abnormal heart rhythm. Is that the same as an abnormal heartbeat. It doesn't matter, my abnormal heartbeat is pre-Cipro. I think I can safely assume that the ECG(EKG) and x-ray back in 1993, was because a new doctor heard my abnormal heartbeat. A recent doctor said they can hear it with the stethoscope and the results of a recent EKG are in my records. Anyway back in 1993 I was told that I did not have an enlarged heart, but I did have a spot on my lung.
When the Ciprofloxacin was done, I was very concerned that some side effects were not going away.

In 2005, I was again at a new doctor, with a urinary tract infection. Naturally they need to run a lot of tests. My cholesterol and sugar were on the high side of normal. It may have been because I was not told to fast. The doctor was very insistent that I need to talk to a nutritionist. Another thing was a high PSA level, and the doctor insisting I get a biopsy. The result being false positive, but inflammation.
I insisted on thyroid and testosterone test. both come back normal, although the testosterone can be considered low normal. 375 instead of 1000. The fact that I requested the testosterone test shows that I already have problems with ED. I have a panic attack in the doctors office and get prescribed a medicine with a side effect that may lower my testosterone even more. Never mind the ED, I now have medication that blocks orgasms.
I need to check something. I wonder if my timeline would show that there might be a connection between the medication and revealing my female self at work. Something like lowering the testosterone would make me feel more feminine, and needing affirmation.
MIchelle   

Edit: The name of the panic attack  medication was Paroxetine.

 Receipt for shot glass labeled Michelle's Bar dated Sept 01, 2003. I need to explain this. This was on my way to Brainerd MN., I stopped at a novelty store called Treasure City.

On the west side of Brainerd was Paul Bunyan Center. I may have been about 13 years old when we went there the first time. Sept 01, 2003 was labor day weekend, and the last time this park would be open. From what I understand, one person bought everything and moved it all to the east side of Brainerd. I haven't been to the new place yet, but I doubt if it is laid out the same as the old place.
Michelle

I have one form almost filled out. Almost like a work resume, but more. Employment history, education history, medical history, abuse history. parents education history, parents medical history, siblings medical history.

list prior psychiatric treatment, name, clinic, address, diagnosis, outcome. I think I read someplace that someone gathered up all the therapy information only to have the new therapist ignore everything and start from scratch.

It's been right in front of me the whole time. I think that if I decide at some future date that I want breast augmentation, I need to prove that I have been on estrogen, and I am at full breast growth.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 07, 2025, 09:23:40 PMI think I read someplace that someone gathered up all the therapy information only to have the new therapist ignore everything and start from scratch.

That happened to me. I gave the old therapist a release waiver to send his notes to my VA Psychologist. He never read them. He told me that he didn't want to be influenced by someone else's opinion. He wanted to do his own evaluation. I am glad he did it that way. He confirmed what previous therapists had said, but he came to his own conclusion.

There was a release form that I downloaded, and I'm not going to bother with filling it out. I talked to one place and as far as they were concerned, if the record wasn't in the computer, then it did not exist. If it is in the computer, then it is in MyChart. I have 3 different MyChart accounts linked. I haven't figured out how to link to the VA yet.
I talked to someone about the chiropractic records. Since the place was permanently closed, any x-rays were sent to a place in Minneapolis for disposal, paper records sent for recycling.
I think it has been a couple decades ago that a clinic told me they would have to have someone find my records in a filing cabinet and make copies of my records, and I would have to pay a fee.
Then there is clinics and hospitals that have moved to new locations, under new management, Clinic and Hospital changed name, accounts closed due to no activity (haven't been to those places in over 30 years.)

Short version, the records no longer exist.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 08, 2025, 01:28:28 PMIf it is in the computer, then it is in MyChart. I have 3 different MyChart accounts linked. I haven't figured out how to link to the VA yet.

You don't need to worry about this. The VA has access to MyChart records if the provider is a part of the Care in the Community Network. If not, you can grant access to MyChart by signing a simple form. The VA can help you with that.

I used the word resume. Spell check showed it was spelled wrong, and couldn't give me the right spelling. I will go to Google and do a search, Google usually corrects the spelling. Google and You Tube are connected, and so far I have been getting resume ads on every You Tube video I watch.

A couple of weeks ago I looked up the address and phone number for Victoria's Secret, and got a lot of Victoria's Secret ads. I'm still getting bra ads from other companies.

Seeing ads for black girl vitamins, and thinking about the Spanish ads, I was wondering what kind of profile Google had on me. Just thinking about how searching for a kilt video ends up with dozens recommended.
I think the ads for black girl vitamins can be classed as just a vitamin ad, not that Google thinks I'm black, although I do watch a lot of videos made by blacks.

I'm kind of wondering if I could make Google go crazy, by searching for things that counteract each other. Such as clothing for tall girls and clothing for short men.
I could just use a different search engine, and then Google could not update their profile.
Michelle

I had a strange dream. Through out the whole dream I have a bottle of beer in my hand. First going round and round in the back of a car. I hear a young boy say "I love you." We stop and I get out and walk over. An older man says, "He really does love you." Next I am at a restroom. I push the door open, and look inside. There are men in there. I look down at myself, I can't go in there looking like this.(Very feminine.) I back away and close the door. Next I am looking around a corner, there are some people waiting to go back to work. I still have the bottle of beer in my hand. I can't be seen with a bottle of beer, I dig a hole and bury the bottle of beer. I then rejoin my friends. The dream ends.

As a child I once said to my dad, "I love you." His response was, "You don't know how to love. You don't deserve to be loved." This is causing me to have great thoughts. He said it, not the exact words, but in a round about way."I don't believe you are my child." My mother once told me, in statement my dad did not say to her, our child, but instead said your child. Ancestry DNA has told me that my cousins are my cousins, proving he is my biological father. On the other hand, my dad's so called precious daughter may actually be the daughter of his business partner.(the partner who sexually abused me.)

The restroom: The idea of not being manly enough. To actually have a beard as a flag to say I am a male, I belong in here. Then comes a point that a female on testosterone can grow a better beard than me. When the janitor in the men's restroom tells me I should use the unisex restroom, I wonder, did he think I am a female on testosterone.

The beer bottle: I guess it could be said that the constant bottle in hand could be the self pity. My dad rarely was without a beer in his hand. like the drinking songs, a tear in my beer. I don't know how many times my dad said he wasn't loved because they wanted a girl. Because of his self pity he could not see the love. (whether the love was from his parents or his own child.)

Bury the bottle: I don't need the alcohol or other drugs as a crutch to deaden the pain of self pity. But was it something else, continuing abuse not allowing me to live my own life, fear of what she would do if I did not drive her to her boyfriends house. If I did not obey her.
Michelle

Hi Michelle,

I sometimes have similar dreams, though I'd call them nightmares because I often wake up feeling scared. My therapist says these kinds of dreams are profound and layered with meaning.

I once had a dream where I was running through an empty house, holding a broken mirror. Each room I entered reflected a version of myself I didn't recognize, some childlike, some older, and some different from who I am. In one room, a voice told me I wasn't enough, and in another, I felt like someone was watching me. I woke tossing, turning, and sweating.

My therapist help me understand how the dream might represent struggles with unresolved experiences from my past. Working on those resolutions with him has helped soothe some of the discomfort and improved my sleep over time.

I had to drive 40 miles to put my check in the bank. Plenty of time to think about a lot of stuff.

How did that go again. With my dad, I couldn't get away with anything, even when my sister did it. One time my dad told me to stop trying to get my sister in trouble doing this stuff. I wish I could have told him it is working perfectly, she was doing it to get me in trouble.
Some of the stories, my dad's version, I told my sister not to touch the electric fence using reverse psychology, hoping it would kill her. There are a lot of variations,  she fell off the swing, she fell down the ladder.

 The ladder one is interesting, she fell 20 ft. missing the cement wall at the bottom of the ladder, and landing in the middle of the basement steps. She suffered no injuries, but started bawling. Except I saw the whole thing, she climbed safely down and let out her scream. I was told to keep my mouth shut, and part of my punishment, was not allowed to go to the attic at the top of the ladder.
 One time I was in the doorway of the house when my sister pushed me. I fell backwards onto a broken power line insulator. I'm not to tell the story because it never happened. Mother's story is I slipped and fell.

As a teenager when I was sleeping and needed to use the bathroom, I would dream I entered the girls bathroom. With the girls there, I could not get to the toilet. I would then wake up and head to the real bathroom. I assumed it was something my brain had come up with to prevent me from wetting the bed.
years later I didn't have anything to stop me, and I dreamed I was peeing, I woke up quick but was dry. I thought that was interesting, I can dream I am peeing without wetting the bed.
Kind of a twist of the dreaming your a girl question.
Michelle

Michelle,

I am sorry to hear about your experience with your sister. My experience was different with my two younger sisters, in fact, they stood by me when I had to confront my older brother. I'm not sure if it was a cultural thing at the time, but my father sounds similar to yours when it came to protecting the afab.

My older brother hasn't changed, even to this day. My two sisters are still by my side, though, which I'm grateful for. He's a mean conservative Republican, and his behavior was like that long before Donald Trump became president, so I can't blame Trump's influence for the way he is, it's just who he's always been. I already came out to my sisters, and both are accepting and understanding as long that I am happy with my decision, but I can only imagine how he'll react when I come out to him and share that I'm transgender, currently in the process of medically transitioning, and planning to socially transition later this year.

I hope things have changed and are better with you and your sister.

I think I mentioned it before. When I was 2 years old, a sister was born. I guess it could be called a birth defect, and she got phenomena with her first breath. Born in a farmhouse in December, she needs to be taken to the hospital. She lived for 24 hours.
There might be an idea with my dad that if I got my jacket on faster, she would have gotten to the hospital sooner and she would have survived. The truth being with a missing roof of the mouth, even if she was born in the hospital she still would have died. This is a country hospital in 1952.
I don't know what was going through my dad's head, if he thought that I was intentionally delaying the trip to the hospital so that she would die. A few years later he would tell me that if she would have lived, she would have gotten the necessary operations and I would be sleeping in the barn where I belonged. Another one was I didn't deserve to sleep under the same roof as my sister, but since he was such a nice guy, he would allow it.

My dad's business partnership was that they would work repairing cars on the farm.
It seems my dad had a problem accepting my sister's death. possibly to the point that any child of his could not have a birth defect. In case you are wondering My mother told me about how my dad was running around trying to find answers. At one point he even wanted to divorce my mother and marry her sister.
My mother also told me how her dad would come over and chase the business partner off the farm while my dad was away. There was once where her dad came over only to discover it was her brother that was there.

Then there is a rumor that my mother ran off with the business partner, and my dad went after her, leaving me with my uncle. (just a strange thought, a sexually abused 3 year old left with a stranger.) It makes me wonder what the truth is. My mother's story is my parents left together on the vacation trip. And make sure the trip is long enough that it proved my dad is the father of my sister. And make sure I am silenced so the truth does not slip out.

After my dad's death, my mother went on a camping trip to another state. She met a guy there, and later he came to our farm. It was the business partner. That means she went to him on the camping trip. The question is how did she know where he lived. The same night he gets here, they are sharing a bed. That is when the headaches started, it would be years later that the headaches end when I finally know he abused me.
Michelle

A Vivid Imagination:

I'm guessing I am 8 years old at the time. Some tv shows are Twilight Zone, Outer Limits, and One Step Beyond. A few shows deal with a person taking on the identity of a person that has died. By this point I have been convinced that I am responsible for my sister's death. One other thing was my mother never put dresses on a boy.
I found the pictures in the cabinet, since she is wearing dresses it must be my sister. She doesn't look like my sisters so she must be the one that died. The problem is I was told that she only lived for 24 hours and this picture shows her standing. Why would they lie about how old she was when she died? What are they trying to cover up? Did they also lie about how she died? Did I actually murder my own sister?

I turn the pictures over, my name is on the back of the pictures. I wonder how my mother could make such a mistake, and put my name on my sister's picture? It isn't possible, my mother would not make that mistake. That means it is me in the picture. I am the girl, I didn't die. That's why I feel like I am a girl. It must have been the boy that died. They must have wanted a boy so bad that they put his genitals on me and turned me into a boy.

As I age, there is nothing to prove the story wrong. I had never shared the story, so there was no discussion. Maybe it was meant to shame, but a teacher saying I run like a girl would reinforce the idea.
I did mention to a therapist that I felt like my sex had changed. His response was that it never happens, and there was no discussion about why I felt that way.
The fact that I would get misgendered as female a lot does nothing to disprove the idea that I am intersex.
Michelle

Had trouble sleeping, too much chest pain. Strange thing the pain went away when I got up. Did I mention I quit smoking about a year ago. I got to a point where I would start coughing when I tried to light my cigarette. A ct lung scan showed that I may have had pneumonia in the past. I wonder if that was my problem about 4 years ago. I couldn't walk half a block without getting chest pains and out of breath. I found that if I walked slower I could go a couple blocks before I was out of breath.That meant I would stop several times on my way to the post office.
One weird thing was on some days I could walk all the way to the post office with no problems, and the next day I would have to stop several times. Figuring out the reason why wasn't difficult, as I had already suspected what was happening. If I ate something like a hot dog and bun before my walk, then I would get chest pains. It it was several hours after eating then there was no chest pain. Even the low level of soy oil in the bun would trigger the pain. I had taken some antihistamine a bit ago, it should be in my system by now, and I should be able to get to sleep.
I suspect I have asthma and soy oil is one trigger. cold is another, and my nose is stuffed up and I need to breath through my mouth.
Michelle

It was late and I needed to get some sleep. Now that I am up for the day, I can continue. This was not the first time. I now understand the commercial. It was a pain when I inhaled, like a weight on my chest. I think the commercial showed an elephant.

Like being told by my dad, he does everything that is lawfully required, and not to expect anything more. Then tells me I am much better off than my cousin. Without any proof he tells me that my cousin's father takes all the money that my cousin earns.
Any health complaint by me is treated as an excuse to get out of work. My complaint about my back is met with a statement that he is not feeling any pain, and to get back to work. Years later at a chiropractor, an x-ray shows that my back has been out of place for so long that I now have arthritis.
I remember being on the top of a hay stack, getting hay for the cows. I had trouble getting a bale loose. When I finally got the bale loose, it went over the edge, and I went with it. It was a short ride, and I ended up sitting on the bale when it hit the ground.

Get to the point. The point is my dad would ignore any of my complaints, with me learning that it did no good to complain about any aches or pains that I had. On the other hand he would use the excuse of once getting his fingers smashed to get out of work. Since my dad would ignore my pains, I would have to learn how to ignore my pains.

Was my sister treated differently? I don't know, but I do know that she had an operation to fix a weak muscle in her eye.

Even though I wrote about my chest pain in MyChart, the subject has never come up in the Doctor's office, so I have never asked for any medication. They don't know that when I talk, the pain will get so severe that I can no longer talk. I don't know if it might be because I got hit in the throat on a school bus, hard enough to cause pain.
Michelle

I once wrote that when the parents have no respect for a child, then the siblings have no respect. I once made a trailer out of an old pickup truck. I was working on the lights and quit for the night. When I got up in the morning my trailer was gone. I found out that my mother had loaned it to my cousin's husband. I did not see that trailer for the rest of the summer. He was driving a 100 miles a day with my trailer behind his pickup. I can say there were thousands of miles put on that trailer, and not one behind any of my vehicles.
When it finally returns, some time later, my brother borrows it to move his belongings to a farm he just bought. He never asked my permission and he parked it in front of his shed. The trailer finally returned after the bank foreclosed on the farm. Granted he did ask permission to borrow the trailer to go get a pickup camper. The camper was to be removed when they got back. After a few years I got told that the camper would fall apart if they tried to remove it. I don't know how long it was before the camper got removed in pieces from my trailer.
I had another trailer made to haul a motorcycle. My brother also borrowed that one without my permission. I don't know if my mother gave him permission or if he just grabbed it. any way it sat in front of his house trailer with a stock tank filled with water on it, for the rest of the summer. The kids could cool off in the water on hot days.

I heard it in a Disney cartoon, "The world owes me a living." I actually heard my mother make the remark about my younger brother, when my dad said he was to do something, "He didn't ask to be born."
Put it together, "I didn't ask to be born, so the world owes me a living." I think I actually heard my brother say that. I was tired of the attitude why buy it if you can borrow it. Just think, I actually built an engine stand so I could work on engines for my vehicles. I don't know how many years the engine stand sat with my brother's engine on it. My engine sits on a stand that I bought at a store, well not quite. It is still on the engine hoist that I bought.

One sister married the husband of my cousin, after being the live in baby sitter. My dad cosigned a loan for them to buy a farm.
Another married a guy and my dad again cosigned a loan, to buy a house.
Another sister married the guys brother.
My younger brother married their half sister.
My other brother married a girl he met at a camp, they were both counselors. One of his daughters was given puberty blockers as she was deemed to be too short. They wanted her to get taller.

Some weird thoughts. Occasionally, I think about things such as I live alone, I have no visitors, I live 40 miles from the rest of the family. In the past 3 months or more, the only contact I have had is a post card from one sister. At times I wonder, if I died how many months would it be before they found my body. Put another way, how long before anybody checked to see if I was still around.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 11, 2025, 01:54:41 PMOccasionally, I think about things such as I live alone, I have no visitors, I live 40 miles from the rest of the family. In the past 3 months or more, the only contact I have had is a post card from one sister. At times I wonder, if I died how many months would it be before they found my body. Put another way, how long before anybody checked to see if I was still around.

I live alone and seldom have any visitors. I prefer it that way. My family all live out of state. I prefer it that way. I talk to my dad on the phone every couple of weeks and holidays. But I have good neighbors here. We check on each other if no one has seen us in a day or two.

Somebody knows you are there. It might be property management, maintenance, or a neighbor. There are always nosey neighbors who would notice if you went missing.

Put that thought out of your head. It serves no purpose and is a waste of brainpower.

Quote from: Lori Dee on January 11, 2025, 03:12:17 PMI live alone and seldom have any visitors. I prefer it that way. My family all live out of state. I prefer it that way. I talk to my dad on the phone every couple of weeks and holidays.

This is similar for me as well.

Quote from: Lori Dee on January 11, 2025, 03:12:17 PMPut that thought out of your head. It serves no purpose and is a waste of brainpower.

Yes, exactly this. I had the same thought when I read Michelle's post. I went through a phase where I was overwhelmed by "perceived danger" and couldn't shake the fear of dying for months, even though all my doctors reassured me I was in perfect health. Thankfully, with therapy, I was able to break free from its grip. It's such a relief to be in a better place now.

My asthma has not been medically diagnosed. I forget to mention it at the doctor's office. The pain can get intense. I question if I made a mistake. I'm 75 years old, I see those ads for heart attacks and strokes. Less than a year ago I had a ECG(EKG). I was certified healthy enough for eye surgery. If I do a leisurely walk, I can walk over a mile without pain. If I walk too fast, I will be in pain before I get to the end of the block. When I get into such pain I wonder if I should be calling an ambulance.

A normal heartbeat would be 1-2, 1-2, 1-2, mine is 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3.
The other day I was at the computer and suddenly I could not see very well. It was as if I had looked at a light bulb and temporally blinded. This has not been the first time. I guess it lasts about 30 minutes and is called a visual migraine.
Last night I took some antihistamine and acetaminophen. I have some baby aspirin left over from when I had the broken wrists. I was wondering if that might help.
Michelle

Found it. I took a couple swallows of pickle juice last night. It has potassium metabisulfite (preservative). Sulfite aggravates asthma. I would have to check labels to see if I could find a good brand without the preservative. Quite likely it is in the pickled eggs, pickled beets, and any other pickled vegetables. Just thinking it might even be in the pickled herring.


potassium metabisulfite (preservative) is also in the frozen shrimp in my freezer.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 11, 2025, 08:52:01 PMFound it.

Nice to hear you've identified the cause, wishing you good health moving forward.

I'll see if I can make this quick. It's Sunday, and I want to go get a Sunday paper. It snowed yesterday, and depending on how much, I will decide if I want to shovel the snow. I also have the option of walking the half mile to the store to get my paper. While shoveling snow I may think about the warning of over exertion. I may stop shoveling several times and just lean on my shovel until I catch my breath.

It doesn't help either that Google knows my age, (through G-mail). I get targeted with ads for medications that an elderly person might need. How about heart attack and stroke medication.

I mentioned that I wouldn't get very far after eating a hot dog. I would put sauerkraut on my hotdog, and now I find out sulfite occurs naturally in cabbage. I still eat hot dogs, but they have to be beef, no pork or chicken, and no bun or sauerkraut.
As for the pickles, I don't have any craving. I just added 3 baby pickles to my evening meal. If I reduce it to 1 baby pickle I should be fine, and maybe better if I rinse it in water before putting it on the plate. No more drinking pickle juice. Homemade pickles should be fine, just check the ingredients in the pickling vinegar. I can continue my liver cleansing with the apple cider vinegar.

I'm thinking about being up in our haymow in the barn while chopped haw was blown in. I was in charge of the spout, directing the direction the hay went. I had no idea what a filter mask was, and afterwards would cough up green gunk.
Michelle

Why does it have to be so complicated? Just now reading that most doctors do no consider Klinefelter syndrome (KS) to be intersex. Most cases of Klinefelter syndrome are caught at puberty. Therefore if it was not caught at puberty then you do not have it. That contradicts the cases that are caught investigating infertility.

Unless I misunderstood, the doctor stated that intersex is caught at birth. Tests are done to determine the extent, and all this is put into the medical records. Since there is nothing about intersex in my medical records, then I am not intersex.

I tried to explain, all my medical records older than 20 years are missing. The clinic I went to back in 2013 is permanently closed. The only records I could get from there  was the 2013 records on the hospital computer. The only records for 2005 from that clinic is what was forwarded to the hospital for my nutrition education.

That would be a good trick. Do an ultrasound on a baby born 7 years before ultrasound is invented.
MIchelle

Edit: since it would have been caught earlier and is not in your records, any tests would not change anything.

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 12, 2025, 06:04:25 PMUnless I misunderstood, the doctor stated that intersex is caught at birth.

Michelle, based on my high level research, I thought many intersex traits aren't discovered until later in life, such as during puberty, adulthood, or while investigating health issues. I don't know, maybe you are correct.

I didn't say the doctor was correct. What I was getting at was This doctor would not give me any test because she believed it would already be in my records if I was intersex or had Klinefelter. Even if it had been, 50 years of my medical records are missing.

When a hospital website states that some people don't find out they are intersex until later in life, I tend to believe it.

I have heard from some that the medical records are falsified to expescally not state anything about intersex, Record an operation as something other than what it was.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 12, 2025, 07:07:13 PMI didn't say the doctor was correct. What I was getting at was This doctor would not give me any test because she believed it would already be in my records if I was intersex or had Klinefelter. Even if it had been, 50 years of my medical records are missing.

Got it, thanks for the clarification.

Back in 1968, I was in a car that got hit in the rear by a drunk driver. I was in the back seat. My dad's response was that it was my fault that I was in an accident. The logic being, if you had not been there, then you would not have been in an accident.
I think I can say that I suffered whiplash, and again no treatment. Because any pain you claim to have does not affect me, I don't believe you have any pain. I wonder if the neck pain I have now is related to the accident.

Wondering if any of this affected my lungs:
Being in the barn when chopped hay is blown in. As a teenager.
Being out in the woods at below 0 F temperatures. If you want to get warmer, work harder. again a teenager.
about 1964, a house moved onto the property. In the crawl spaces pouring vermiculite insulation down the walls. Again, no idea what a filter mask is, and a very high probability that there is asbestos in the dust. I'm guessing I was about 15.
I guess that I can't leave out the fact that I was a smoker for 56 years.
All those little bonfires on the lawn every spring. My mother would rake the leaves into piles and then burn them. There would be burn marks all over the lawn. not to mention the smoke from the fires irritating the lungs.
Then there is the fact that my maternal grandfather died from emphysema. At the time (1960s) there was not much for medication. My mother apparently also had emphysema. My mother was on medication and also had an inhaler.
I wonder if the doctor sees the history of smoking, and looks no further, missing the possibility that I inherited the emphysema.
A coworker who smoked once said to me that he knew that I smoked, But he was wondering why I did not have the smoker's cough. Another thing was that I quit smoking because when I tried to light a cigarette, I would have a coughing spell before I could get it lit.

Again, something that is usually found out as a child. They don't realize that when I was a child, Medicine was also in its infancy.
Michelle

My intention was to relate what happened this morning. I got a message that I needed to reschedule my appointment in Minneapolis. Now I will need to get up earlier to get to my appointment. But that is not the problem.

The problem is before I could get my appointment rescheduled, my throat was getting irritated and getting to the point where I could barely talk. A sip of coffee did not help. I could try to list possibilities.

My mother said that I had a high pitched squeaky voice, so a nickname of squeaks. That leads to a possibility of changing my voice to suit her without proper voice training, resulting in hoarseness. Which may mean I didn't talk much because it would be painful. I'm wondering if I defaulted to a male voice because it was a woman on the phone. I think my mother had selective hearing, If I had a high pitch voice, my mother couldn't hear me, but she had no problems hearing my sisters.
There was someone fooling off on the school bus and I got hit in the throat. Either the driver didn't see it or just didn't care. I heard the stories of how my grandfather got rich by cheating the farmers. Just because I have the same last name, doesn't mean that I should be treated less than the other students.
Anyway, since I was already a quiet person, there was no way to tell that there might be something wrong. Not that I would even have the chance to tell anybody anything. Too busy hearing about how my sister's day went.
Here we go again, the necessity of saying that I am a former smoker.

I would like to think that it was forced voice change, hopefully not through punishment. Then it would take a bit of therapy to stop reverting to a male voice, or is it an androgynous voice like the analyzer shows.
There still is the possibility that something got broke when I got hit in the throat.
 Like I was saying before, I was at the doctor to see about getting my hormones, and I got to the point where it was too painful to talk. I couldn't answer her questions.
I've been thinking about a device where I could type the words and it would talk for me.

Almost forgot to mention that I will start coughing when I talk. I did a lot of coughing while in the VA therapist's office. I can't think of his title at the moment.
Michelle

My mother made the perfect child. A slap across the face cures everything. It cured being left handed. The cure caused stuttering, another slap cures stuttering. That causes silence, which is perfect.
I often wondered if shyness could be beaten into a child. Afraid to do anything for fear of being punished, and mothers excuse is he is just shy.
I remember my mother saying that I was a slow learner. I kept getting accidentally knocked down every time I tried standing up. There is a photo of me standing on my own for the first time on my first birthday. I see something else in the photo. I am standing next to a car bumper, and my hand is not seen. That means there is a possibility the photo is staged. I may have been placed next to the bumper in a standing position, supported by my hand on the bumper. Slow learner or delayed development indicating the possibility of autism or Klinefelter syndrome.

Quote: AncestryDNA test would not typically detect extra chromosomes.

Are we looking at an extreme case and deciding that all are like that. It shows a person with Klinefelter is six foot, so if you are under, you don't have it. money saved by not testing.

I think I need to write a letter to my doctor and explain that none of my feminine appearance is due to me taking hormones. I have never knowingly taken any hormones, male or female. The fact that a baby born now may go through all kinds of tests does not mean the the tests were available 60 years ago. I can go down the checklist for Klinefelter syndrome and check off one after another. After what I just read, I can add my pectus excavatum and asthma to the list. I am wondering now if 30 years ago a physical exam showed I have it. If it was noted in my records, the records are lost.
It surprised me that when I got my medicare welcome, I got a ct lung exam., blood tests, and blood pressure checked. Listen to my heart and lungs, check my ears (no mention of the scar tissue) and eyes. Nothing more. The last time anyone saw me without a shirt was in the emergency room with two broken wrists. The bikinis don't count. I forgot about the nipple slip after the pelvic MRI. I was also wearing a bra and panties. Being a new patient, I got listed as transgender female without even asking me.
Michelle

There I go again, going off on some random subject. One thing leads to another and I forget that I wanted to write about trying to get some voice therapy to see if I could learn to talk without any pain. Plus I would need some mental therapy to stop the ...To keep me from defaulting to male voice through fear. That is providing the pain is only the result of stressing my vocal cords with a false pitch. And if the pain is due to damage to the vocal cords, a softer voice may cause less pain. Either way, I need to change things and get this information into my medical records and get whatever tests are required.
Michelle

I've been doing some research. Unlike what some old tv ads might say, or was it the other way around. Just because it is on the internet, doesn't make it true. It gets difficult to separate fact from fiction. The same with You Tube videos. Some are called click bait for a reason. There might be something in the title, and it is nowhere in the video. It seems that every transgender person on You Tube has some kind of voice training video. I have no way of telling if it is true that they are a licensed vocal coach. Most do not make any claim.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 14, 2025, 06:45:58 PMI have no way of telling if it is true that they are a licensed vocal coach. Most do not make any claim.

I recommend TransVoiceLessons on YouTube. She has degrees in music and stuff. She shows you what to do to exercise your voice and explains why, and what is happening in your throat when you do the exercises.

https://www.youtube.com/@TransVoiceLessons

I learned a lot from her videos, but I didn't know how to use the knowledge I had received. The Voice Coach began explaining and because I already understood the concept, it was easy to jump right in and do the exercises. The problem with YouTube is the coaches cannot hear your voice, so you don't know if you are doing it correctly. A face-to-face Voice Coach (mine was thru the VA via a video link), can hear your voice and watch your throat for key signs. She was then able to explain what I was doing wrong and how to correct it.

The VA LGBTQ Care Coordinator can submit the consult through the GAPP program. They even sent me a loaner Apple iPad because my PC does not have a camera or microphone. As a veteran, you have access to this training and I highly recommend it.

My paternal grandfather was born in Germany. He immigrated to the U.S. at the age of 15. That means he was fluent in that language. Being in the U.S. he learned English. He married a woman whose parents were born in Germany. Quite likely she learned German as well as English. Being a farmer and working with Spanish speaking migrant workers, my grandfather likely learned Spanish. My dad had both parents being German, and likely grew up hearing German spoken in the house. He too, would have worked with Spanish speaking migrants, and learned the language.

My dad was too young to join the military during WW2, I heard him talk about the POW camp at the county fairgrounds. He would talk to the German prisoners. The prisoners stated that corn was only for cows in Germany, and surprised that people ate it in the U.S.
My dad also stated that his dad was afraid to talk to the prisoners, fearful that he might get locked up with the prisoners.
It was not intended, or my mother did not know that naming me by removing one letter from her name, was the Spanish word for boy. Seeing that my dad knew Spanish, he would have known. I wonder if it could be a private joke to him. He could call me boy without me knowing he was calling me boy.

During grade school in the 1950s, they would wheel a tv into the classroom, and we would watch Spanish lessons on tv. They were transmitted from PBS. I guess the joke was on him. I knew my name meant boy in Spanish.
In 6th grade the teacher started teaching German to the class. The lessons were to be continued in 7th grade but I was transferred to the church school.
While in the army, I got transferred to Germany. I knew enough German to get by.

I, too, know English, German, and Spanish. Maybe not fluently in all, but enough to get by.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 14, 2025, 07:28:35 PMThe prisoners stated that corn was only for cows in Germany, and surprised that people ate it in the U.S.

Interesting, is it still like this today in Germany?

QuoteI, too, know English, German, and Spanish. Maybe not fluently in all, but enough to get by.

Michelle, that's impressive. I just know English and Spanish, and I can get by with a little Mandarin.

Today I got out of the shower, went to the bedroom and got some socks. My nose started running, and I have a habit of wiping it with my hand. This time I ended up with a red streak on my hand. I headed to the bathroom and grabbed some tissue, While I grabbed the tissue, my nose dripped into the sink. A quick wipe and my nose bleed is over, only three drops in the sink. I think it has been years since the last time. That's the way it has been with me. Maybe I don't remember the times between, because I wipe my nose and it's over.

So much has been considered normal, when it really wasn't. As a child I would loose feelings in my left hand, and even get the pins and needles feeling. Could you imagine riding for miles and miles on a motorcycle, and not feel the handlebar in your hand. For 60 years I have problems with my left hand. It had become normal with me to the point where it is forgotten when I fill out medical forms. Even though I finally got the carpel tunnel release, I still get tingling in my fingers, and I still forget to put it on the medical form. As a child, it was denied that my hand went into the wringer. I may not have been a normal child, so my wrist is damaged. It isn't visible, but I then suffer from carpel tunnel.
Remember, this is my left hand. These problems with the left hand is supposed to indicate a heart problem.
And I do have a heart problem. My deformed ribs cause pressure of my lungs against my heart. The pressure interferes with having a normal heartbeat, my blood pressure is low and my fingers tingle. The carpel tunnel has been taken care of, except now I have a metal brace in both wrists.

A bit of an interruption here. My nose felt stuffed up, so I rubbed it. My nose started bleeding again. I ended up with blood on my hands and on my bathrobe, not so lucky this time. I have paper towels by my computer and can get to the bathroom without dripping on the floors. (Why do I keep thinking time of the month?) I finally get it stopped. The paper towel got put into the garbage can in the kitchen. step on the pedal and the lid opens. back to the bathroom, grab the tissue from out of the sink, and I can't find the pedal for the toilet lid. Then remember there is no pedal. Put the bathrobe in the shower to get the blood out, and it hangs from a broomstick across the top of the shower.


What do you mean by blackouts? When I was a child I would stand up and my vision would go black. I didn't faint, just lost my vision for a few seconds. I think my mother told me that I just got up too fast. What she said just normalized it. The loss of vision became normal because I got up too fast.
I'm now remembering that while in the army in Germany, I got up during the night to go to the bathroom. My vision went black while standing at the urinal. I then try to find my way back to bed while I am blind
Michelle

Sorry, got interrupted by someone from the electric company. They were here to change my meter, so I shut down my computer. Apparently, he changed the meter so fast that the lights didn't even flicker.

A little game I tried when I was younger. It goes like this, close your eyes and visualize your surroundings. Without looking can you visualize anything on the table, and reach and pick it up. We have walked this path before, can we do it while blind. There is an open window at the other end. I bumped the bunk next to the window. I need to turn and walk to my bunk. My vision was back when I got up in the morning.

There is nothing about me having deformed ribs in my medical records, other than a message in MyChart To the doctor. It is assumed that it would be found during the CT lung scan. The technician ignores the rib deformity assuming it is already in my records. There might have been a question about my heart and in the notes it is reported that it looks normal size. There is a cyst reported on a kidney, and lung polyps in both lungs. The doctor says not to worry about the kidney as the cyst is on the outside. The cyst on the kidney shows up in the pelvic MRI, and the urologist wants another look at the kidney.

What I am getting at is the abnormality has been there awhile. The technician assumes it is already noted in my medical records and ignores it. It goes the other way too. It might have been in my records that I have a hernia. The doctor checks me, and it is not serous. The doctor assumes I already know and does not tell me. I find out from the urologist that is doing a biopsy on my prostate that I have double hernia.
All those ads on tv about suing for hernia surgery gone wrong makes me think surgery won't help me.

I learned about the scar tissue on my ear drums from a hearing aid salesman at the county fair. He even showed me on his screen. Not one doctor I have gone to, has mentioned the scars on my ear drums.

What I have to do now, is to go back to the medical form that I am filling out and change some answers to yes.
Michelle

I was watching a video about self checkout. I once heard about a store profiling the customer as they entered the store. I'm now thinking that I got profiled when I entered the store, due to being a feminine looking male. I had no choice when I used the self checkout. Put it this way, you need both hands to count the times I needed assistance. And then he stands there in case it breaks down again.
Could it be that I looked like a female to male transgender with a beard. Now that the beard is gone, I look like a cis female, and I have no problems with the self checkout.
Michelle

Thinking about some stuff. Wondering how it affected me in 6th grade when I tried to sing a song. The music teacher went around recording us separately singing songs. When I tried, it didn't come out right, and I stated that I couldn't get the right tune. The class laughed. later the recording was played back and the laughter was on the tape. The other boys had no problem singing the men's songs.

I never connected it at the time. Same grade and the music teacher is checking for pitch. I am told that I am an alto. Now looking at the internet, I find that is a low female range. That would mean the male vocals are out of my range. Had I tried singing a female vocal, I would have been fine. Except for the embarrassment of a boy singing a girls song.

At the fairgrounds during the summer, I saw a woman singing classic country songs. It was interesting to hear traditional male songs being sung by a woman. They were being sung in a female vocal range.

It gets a bit strange to hear that high pitched voice in this house. And there is some Patsy Cline sing-a-long. Then comes the realization that I have been singing along with the female artists for a long time.
From these boots are made for walking, through girls just want to have fun, to man I feel like a woman.
Michelle

Sorry for not getting back sooner. I expect that after the war, the prisoners would have the tales to tell about the people in the U.S. eating corn.
there are a few types of corn. Sweet corn is what gets canned and cooked for human consumption. Field corn is not sweet and gets ground up for cattle feed and I think also ends up in breakfast cereal.
Field corn is made squeezed into corn oil and fermented into ethanol to add to the gasoline.
Seed corn is bagged up for planting.

I don't know if they now eat corn, but I am guessing that it has been added to their menus.
Michelle

I grew up in the 50s and 60s. My dad insisted it was his radio, so we listened to his music, mostly country music. My mother once said that I would sing along with the radio. That being true, I may have the muscle memory to sing at the proper pitch.

I've collected a lot of CDs with music from the 50s and 60s, and they have been transferred into my computer.
I've now gone through them and put some female artists onto an USB thumb drive. The drive can now be plugged into the USB port in my car and music will be played through the radio. As I was putting the music onto the thumb drive, I would start singing the song I was transferring.
 I did run into a problem with a Patsy Cline folder missing. Or more precisely, a CD went missing and never got transferred into my computer. My sister-in-law decided that since I had another CD of Patsy Cline, she did not have to return the one she borrowed.

I keep thinking of trying a sing-a-long. otherwise known as kaɾaoke. It would be at a bar, I would drive home after dark. Unknown if the songs I want are there. I don't know if SuperDave is at the Buffalo American legion every Friday. That Is still a forty mile drive.
Michelle

My brother-in-law has children from another marriage. Does that make them my nephew-in-law and my niece-in-law? Or are they cousins since their mother is my cousin. They would also be my sister's step children.

I had a smoke detector that decided not to quit beeping, and would not accept new batteries. I looked up a new one on the internet and picked what I wanted. I failed to check the location within the store. I wandered up and down aisles from one end of the store to the other. Finally one last place to look. Found it, not to mention once found you stop looking. At the checkout, I had trouble with the plastic bag, and it was nice to hear. "let me help you with that bag ma'am."

While at the grocery store, I checked the pickles. I found that a different brand did not have the offending chemical. I should be fine if I drink that pickle juice. I could not find any pickled eggs to check ingredients.  I was thinking that for Easter we used to have deviled eggs that were red on the outside. I don't recall if my mother made pickled beets and pickled eggs in the same jar, and the eggs got the color from the beet juice.

Now I remember what I wanted to say.
It is not fun using the Women's restroom in some stores. First of all once in the stall, there is barely enough room to close the door. Hopefully the hook is on the door to hang up the purse. It's winter and My jacket goes to my knees. It takes a bit of maneuvering to get my jacket off. Finally, I can get my pants down and sit on the toilet. Somebody decided to save money by making the toilets shorter and smaller. When done get up and check if it is automatic or needs a lever pushed. Still cramped quarters to put my jacket back on. Finally wash my hands and And there is only an air drier. My hands are still wet and finish drying them on my jeans. I need a drink and find the water fountain. I push the button on the fountain and the stream lands in the fountain beside it. I do manage to get a drink.
Michelle

Edit: The whole time in the Women's restroom, I am fearful that I might get caught and punished.

There was a story my dad told about the divine intervention that saved his life. He was pushing silage off his farm truck into the auger of the silage blower, when he slipped and fell into the auger. when it happened the tractor threw the belt, and the auger clutch slipped. When the blower stopped, he stepped out of the auger unharmed. All his buddies were amazed at the story. My mother could even confirm the story, as she froze in shock when she saw him fall into the auger.

He never acknowledged the fact that there was another person there that day. Someone who used a silage fork to push the belt off the tractor pulley. Someone who held the auger clutch lever until the blower stopped, and then turned the blower backwards to turn the auger backwards to release his dad's foot. Someone who heard the story and believed he did nothing because there was no thank you.
Michelle

At the age of 18, I was working in the barn when the handle of the hay fork hit the lever releasing the door to the hay mow. The angle iron on the edge of the door hit the top of my head. It was near Christmas, that night I ran away from home.

I think it was two weeks later that I got back home. The next morning my dad took me to the doctor where I was checked out. Would a concussion be evident 2 weeks after? Next we went to the courthouse. In the courtroom, the judge, sheriff, and a social worker were there. The judge had asked if maybe a name change might help. Before I could say anything, my dad stated that I would not be changing my name. There was finally a decision to take me to psychiatric therapy in St Cloud. The therapist wanted family therapy but my dad refused, stating that there was nothing wrong with him. I didn't say much because I was afraid my dad would find out anything I said. I think the therapist decided that I was trying to get out of a bad situation. At no time was there any question about where I had been or what I had done during the two weeks. (My dad knew everything and I was paranoid that people were reporting everything about me to him.)

Some years later I tried to get information about my court case. I was informed that because I was 18 at the time the records are sealed. She checked on something and I was informed that there were no records, meaning the was no day in court. Either the whole thing was a sham or it was used as a meeting room.
Either way, I believed that I was court ordered to go to psychiatric therapy.

My dad and the sheriff were personal friends, and the judge was also a friend of the family.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 16, 2025, 10:07:03 PMThere was a story my dad told about the divine intervention that saved his life. He was pushing silage off his farm truck into the auger of the silage blower, when he slipped and fell into the auger. when it happened the tractor threw the belt, and the auger clutch slipped. When the blower stopped, he stepped out of the auger unharmed. All his buddies were amazed at the story. My mother could even confirm the story, as she froze in shock when she saw him fall into the auger.

QuoteHe never acknowledged the fact that there was another person there that day. Someone who used a silage fork to push the belt off the tractor pulley. Someone who held the auger clutch lever until the blower stopped, and then turned the blower backwards to turn the auger backwards to release his dad's foot.

QuoteSomeone who heard the story and believed he did nothing because there was no thank you.
Michelle

I don't know your dad's religious beliefs. But in Christianity there's the concept called divine providence or being an instrument of God.

The idea is that God works through humans, events, and other beings to fulfill His divine will and purposes.

It sounds like you're dad was quoting this concept consciously or unconsciously.

And if that is the case (this is all speculation of course) it sounds like God used you as a vessel that day to save your dad.

That's impressive, thank you, Michelle.

Quote from: Lilis on January 17, 2025, 06:32:09 AMI don't know your dad's religious beliefs. But in Christianity there's the concept called divine providence or being an instrument of God.

The idea is that God works through humans, events, and other beings to fulfill His divine will and purposes.

It sounds like you're dad was quoting this concept consciously or unconsciously.

And if that is the case (this is all speculation of course) it sounds like God used you as a vessel that day to save your dad.

That's impressive, thank you, Michelle.

I think this is the second time that I wrote the story here, I deleted it before posting.
I thought the final line would not be accepted. That line went:
"Maybe my dad was right, and I was the divine intervention."

I could add other thoughts. This angel is still earning her wings.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 17, 2025, 11:13:44 AMI think this is the second time that I wrote the story here, I deleted it before posting.
I thought the final line would not be accepted. That line went:
"Maybe my dad was right, and I was the divine intervention."

I could add other thoughts. This angel is still earning her wings.
Michelle

😊❤️❣️

I read about the bathroom ban in the congressional house rules. The ban was not in the house rules when the rules were voted on. But the ban was still entered into the record as if it was approved by vote. I see what he did as cowardly, as if he was afraid the ban would not pass the vote.
On the other hand he promised the ban would be in the rules, and remember, there is no fury like a woman scorned.

Since there was no vote on the ban, does that mean the ban is not valid.
Michelle

I think I wrote about breaking my wrists as a life lesson, having to learn to ask for help and accepting help.
Just thinking about it, what are the chances of falling while on roller skates and breaking both wrists?
After getting out of the emergency room and transferred to another hospital, I think it was a male nurse that was going to give me a bath. I was standing at the sink in the bathroom, while he washed my chest. Before I got my bottom washed, I informed him that I still had male genitals. It seems suddenly he needed to be someplace else, and I never saw him again. I could put it a few ways, he didn't expect the woman to have male genitals.

The occupational therapist was different. She let me know a day before about the plans to give me a shower. I let her know that I had male genitals and it didn't bother her. My arms were bandaged from palm to elbow and needed to be protected from the water.

What got me was one day I got done on the toilet, and with both wrists wrapped up I couldn't wipe myself. When she got done wiping my rear, she offered to wipe my front. I declined, and didn't tell her I had male genitals.
Michelle

Sometimes the feeling of not belonging is overwhelming. Go back to my dad and his ideas, don't bother asking for anything because you won't get it. The same goes for asking permission for anything. I will give you permission for something when I decide you need it, I will give it to you without you asking. If you ask, you will not get it.

If I really had asthma it would have been caught years ago. Years ago my complaints fell onto deaf ears, and I was told to quit faking it.

If you were really transgender it would have been caught years ago. Years ago some therapist I had never met before asked a question and I answered truthfully. She told me I was not trans because I enjoyed being a male. She could not be wrong because she is a doctor and trained in such things.  On the other hand, Does the fact that I am a male sitting here totally dressed in female clothes, and that I am dressed as a female when I go shopping and use the women's rest room prove that she was wrong.

Then I sit here wondering what this gender dysphoria is. I wonder if living as a female, I do not feel the gender dysphoria. Was it the gender dysphoria that caused me to get rid of all my male clothes and shoes and replace them with female?
Does gender dysphoria cause me to feel makeup on my face when there is none? To feel long eye lashes brush the lenses of my glasses when I do not wear eye lashes? Or to even feel the dangling earrings rub against my neck when I am not wearing earrings?

Have I been living in a fantasy world? One so intense that my belief of being a female causes me to feel organs that are not there? Yet, I think most would agree that no fantasy would cause breasts to grow on a male body, along with a feminine shape. Learning from the movie "My Fair Lady", how to talk and walk with the grace of a lady.

I go back to my dad saying don't bother asking for anything. I won't get the medication I need if I don't ask.

I don't know how many times I had to prove I was as old as I said I was. I have been told that I look far younger. I've been tempted to find a booth at a carnival that guesses your age. I wonder what I could win, never mind, I don't really want to tell my age.

I had to laugh once when someone told me that if I didn't quit smoking, I wouldn't reach the age of 25. I was 30 at the time.
If the doctor thinks that I am 50 due to the way I look, then if I was that age, it would have been more likely these problems would have been caught.

The thing is the photo of me in the blue dress is about 20 years ago, that would make me about 55. The hair is real, no wig. I'm now 75, and the hair that keeps getting in my eyes is my own real hair.

I just recently learned that looking younger is another indicator of Klinefelter syndrome. Now I need to push to get tested.
Michelle

Again I did not write what I had intended. I think it may be an idea that we save money if we only go to the doctor if it is a medical emergency. I was once told that if I got into burn-nettles, itch-weeds, whatever, the best cure is to pee on it.

If I wait for a medical emergency, then I don't get a yearly examination. That also includes breast exams.
Just a sudden thought, my mother again, those aren't breasts, it's just a bit of fat. Wait, is that the thought, years later I walk around with breast inserts pushing to 38D, and it is ignored as just a bit of fat.

Because I have never had a breast examination, I feel I do not belong in a group discussing mammograms. I once went on a porn site to learn how to do self breast exams. I don't think my sisters would be very interested in showing me how to do breast exams. They probably think I banged my head when I fell with the skates. But it could be very interesting if they helped me do my self exam.

I thought it was odd that the day my pelvic MRI was done, mammogram overdue showed up on MyChart. It made me wonder if something else was seen on the MRI.

I'm a bit afraid of what might be said, like being told, it only a bit of fat, they aren't real.

I remember the early years of the internet, AOL online. Due to the word breast being censored, they were called "Boob Cancer survivors.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 18, 2025, 03:37:40 PMThen I sit here wondering what this gender dysphoria is. I wonder if living as a female, I do not feel the gender dysphoria. Was it the gender dysphoria that caused me to get rid of all my male clothes and shoes and replace them with female?
Does gender dysphoria cause me to feel makeup on my face when there is none? To feel long eye lashes brush the lenses of my glasses when I do not wear eye lashes? Or to even feel the dangling earrings rub against my neck when I am not wearing earrings?

Have I been living in a fantasy world?

No not at all, but this doesn't sound like gender dysphoria, it sounds more like gender euphoria.

QuoteOne so intense that my belief of being a female causes me to feel organs that are not there? Yet, I think most would agree that no fantasy would cause breasts to grow on a male body

Yeah, fantasy can never make those things happen, but this probably has nothing to do with gender dysphoria and gender euphoria, this sounds like it has something to do more with your anatomy.


~ Lilis

My chart say I'm over due for a mammogram. I think its because the chart sees a 62 year old female that has never had one. Either way breast health is important.

MyChart is not reliable. All of my care is through the VA, so MyChart doesn't know if I had a mammogram or blood test at all. It is an automated system that spams reminders for things that have nothing to do with me. It is good for things like contacting my non-VA providers or reviewing prior visits. Mostly, I found it unhelpful. I stopped using it.

Cold this morning. My computer showed it was -12F. My thermostat is set at 74 and it shows the temperature is 66. The furnace is running constantly.
This is the type of weather my dad and I would go out and cut firewood for next winter. It was said that grandpa would not be there because it was too cold for his hand. That doesn't make sense. Too cold for grandpa because he lost his fingers, but not too cold for my dad who couldn't work because he smashed his fingers. I would think it was because my grandpa was smart enough to say it was too cold to go out.
I am debating if I should walk to the store to get my Sunday paper, or if I should just forget about getting the paper.

I was watching Dr. House short videos on You Tube last night. I decided to watch the full episode. I was getting a bit frustrated because I couldn't remember which network it was. It was more frustrating because it is the only network that I have a subscription to. The emblem has all different colors, but not a rainbow. Finally remembered it is the Peacock, and I have a bookmark in a folder labeled tv and radio.
In one scene a guy says something about his fingers tingling. Dr. House turns and looks at him and says, "Your watch is too tight."
I remember something about guys being idiots because their ties are too tight, restricting blood flow to the brain.

One more thought here. Today is probably the type of weather to stay at home and do some baking. My mother once made some comment about my paternal grandmother driving the 50 miles to Dunwoody to get baked goods. ( I had another word, a little bit about double meanings.)  Probably the same reason my mother would drive 50 miles to buy discounted Micky snacks. Dunwoody Industrial Institute had training for bakers, heating and ac, electricians, and electronics.
I would think that a teaching school would sell their baked goods at their cost or below, rather than throw everything into the garbage. Another thing would be specialty items that you would not otherwise bake.
Another reason is to get out of the house and away from grandpa for awhile (unless he drove.)
My mother would drive to a warehouse store in st. Cloud, and it was a short drive to Micky's snacks. (I don't know when they changed the name.)
Michelle

Quote from: Lori Dee on January 19, 2025, 12:10:49 PMMyChart is not reliable

You mean like when I missed getting a urine sample for my provider when I had an appointment with a urologist. The urologist got the urine sample and the results are in MyChart. Months later it still says my urine sample is overdue.
MyChart shows my depression test is overdue. I inform the provider it was done at the VA. She thanks me, but it still shows my depression test is overdue.
 I guess I can click hide notification.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 19, 2025, 01:54:34 PMI guess I can click hide notification.

Exactly. That's what I did.
There is no way to tell the app that I do not require a pap smear. My doctor tells me what tests I need. I don't need an app to do it. She uses my medical records.  ;D

Ouch, There was something in my head scan when I broke my wrists. I was trying to figure out what would cause damage to the bone of my left eyebrow. Certainly not as a child, suddenly going down and hitting my chin on the truck I was playing with.
How about in grade school, going down and hitting my head on the bleachers. Severe enough to be sent home, but not considered severe enough to go to the doctor. The question is if the records from the old school (1950s) have been transferred to the new school. Possibly still in the old school as the school is still used. Probably something else my mother denied when I filled out my draft form when it asked about head injury. My dad said put no for mental therapy.

I'm just looking at the possibility of a head injury affecting hormone levels. What is odd to me is the fact that a recent testosterone test is at the same level as a test done 20 years ago.
Michelle
Edit:
I knew I was missing something, Part of the questioning at doing something wrong was my dad would grab me by the shoulders and shake me as he asked the question.

Something happened in a grade school restroom. I remember the part where I was using the urinal and a boy behind me put his hands on my shoulders and spun me around. The last I remember of it is that he got his pants wet when I peed on him. From then on I will have a death grim on the pipe above the urinal every time I use one. I also get what the therapist called shy bladder when there is someone else in the restroom. Finally I can put some more pieces of the puzzle together. I can't use the restroom when there is another person in there, and at break times there are other people there. So I would use the rest room when it was not break time. Somebody thought they were smart by getting between me and the restroom and point me back to the machine. The result being that I went a 10 hour shift without peeing. Quite likely I also went the 10 hours without drinking water as the water fountain was by the restroom door. I think I could say my kidneys shut down. Once home after my shift I can get some water. maybe sit on the toilet until I pee, with thought of driving to an emergency room.
Next because of the lack of water and dehydration, all because of my dread to use the men's restroom, I end up at the medical clinic was a UTI and high PSA. I get treated with Cypro, which is known for causing hallucinations. I have a hallucination of giving birth and breast feeding a baby. I have no idea how to describe the feeling of breast feeding a baby. I know it was a hallucination, but felt so real.

I get put onto a forklift, and continue on. At the end of my shift, I grab my water bottle from the forklift and realize I forgot to drink my water during my shift. About 10 years later (2005), I am again at a medical clinic with a UTI and high PSA. This time I get sent to an urologist for a prostate biopsy.
I had requested a testosterone test and a thyroid test, both being normal, testosterone being just a bit above low. The prostate biopsy come back as being inflammation.

Later in 2013 it is very severe, to the point that I can feel every crack in the floor that the forklift hits. Again I am at the medical clinic with UTI and high PSA. I was given pills that did not help. I felt I was all alone. Common sense, if I was suddenly running to the restroom right after eating my sandwich, then there had to be something in the sandwich. My mother insisted on making my sandwiches and packing my lunch.
I caught her putting margarine on my sandwich instead of the butter. This was after I told her the margarine was making me sick. I told her I wanted butter on my sandwiches, she pointed to the margarine and said that is butter. I don't know if she was trying to prove me wrong. I gave up, at work I ate the meat from the sandwich and tossed the rest into the garbage. Mom had a doctor's appointment coming up, and it was decided she would stay at my sister's house from now on.
My diet changed as I no longer had sandwiches in my lunch. instead I had a small can of peas and carrots.
 Michelle
 

I believe I had mentioned that I was sexually abused when I was about 3-4 years old. I would not remember any of it until about 40 years later. Then when I was about 9 I stopped going to my cousin's house for sleepovers. I would sleep in her brother's bed,and he was a bully. He was the one that would pull my pants down when I was younger. I don't remember anything happening, but suddenly I dread sleeping in his bed, and I have some odd idea of what boys do to boys when they sleep together. He is the same boy that later punishes me for having sex with his sister, when I am falsely accused by my dad.

Imagine me freaking when in high school, after phys-ed class, there are are a bunch of naked boys. My way of dealing with it was to shower after every one else was done and getting dressed.
In the army that was showering at night after everyone else was in bed.
Michelle

Cold again today (Jan 20, 2025) My computer is showing about -14F at 11:00 AM. My thermostat is set at 74F and the reading is 64F.

Little things may not seem like much, but can tell a lot. When I moved into this house, I put curtains on all the windows. My understanding is men would not bother with curtains. I have purple curtains in my bedroom. Back on the farm, I had pink curtains on my windows. After my dad died, I put curtains on the windows of his workshop. Upstairs in this house, one room with the barbies has pink curtains, the room with the GI Joes has blue curtains.
I can look out the door of this room and see my glass cupboard. On display is my collection of old dishes, quite likely found at the garbage dump. On top of the glass cupboard are 3 14 inch tall gumball machines. On top the gumball machines are Mickey Mouse ears. I also have a collection of glassware with the family crest that I bought decades ago. I'm not sure if it is a proper crest as my grandfather was from Germany.
other knickknacks are the characters for the video game Disney Infinity. I guess I could say that this house has a feminine touch.
Michelle

I added the shaken child comment to the head injury post. This way I can do a print out to take with me to the therapist. Or even put it into MyChart.

This is getting strange, it seems every morning after I eat, I get a runny nose. So far today all I have had was 2 eggs and some coffee. I have 8 oz. of milk and 8oz. of grapefruit juice in front of me that I haven't touched yet. The eggs were fried in butter, and the butter carton says natural flavoring. Anyway, stuffed up runny nose means I need to breath through my mouth. That would mean -13F air directly into my lungs if I went outside today. I'm also one that gets an instant headache when hit with the cold air. I am going to consider that my headache today is weather related, a migraine from it being cold in the house. I could do a quick test. I have an open stairway, that means it is warmer upstairs, and I am sitting in the draft of cold air coming down the stairs.
I am behind in my other projects, when I sit and write I forget about other things. I will even forget to eat. I need to get my priorities right.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 20, 2025, 02:15:20 PMwhen I sit and write I forget about other things. I will even forget to eat. I need to get my priorities right.

A little grounding exercise helps me stay focused when I sit down to write. I like the 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Exercise. It's a mindfulness tool that helps reduce anxiety and brings me back to the present moment by engaging my senses.

It's easy, quick and effective.

A bit of grounding. How about a clock that chimes the hour, every hour. I found one in a thrift store, except that it was battery powered. I can hear the chime when it is quiet.

I think it was a long time ago I read about smoking being a way of grounding. Nicotine to lesson the lung pain? Everything stops when I have a smoke, I sit and catch my breath. Poison is the cure until it is no longer a cure, does that make any sense. Some old Woody Allen movie, where he is removed from some cryogenic tube in the future, and smoking has been found to be beneficial.

I decide to quit smoking and then I start coughing when I try to light my cigarette. Or was it that I stepped outside and the cold air caused my cough. How right they were when they called the cigarette a pacifier. Just something to put in my mouth. I actually went into the store and bought baby pacifiers, I needed something to chew on, other then keep shoving food into my mouth. I found some adult pacifiers on eBay. I have one in my purse, one by my computer, and one in my car. The one in the car helps with the stress of driving.

I don't have a problem with staying focused, I get too focused. It wasn't that I was drinking less to avoid trips to the restroom, I was not getting the thirst to remind me to drink. I hear the chimes from the clock, I look at the clock. I've been up for three hours, I see the bottles in front of me. They are still full, all I've had to drink were a couple sips of coffee. Even if I am not thirsty, I tip the bottle up and get at least 4 oz. I might catch my breath and finish the bottle. By the time I go to bed I should have at least 6 empty bottles in the drying rack.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 20, 2025, 11:31:09 PMA bit of grounding. How about a clock that chimes the hour, every hour. I found one in a thrift store, except that it was battery powered. I can hear the chime when it is quiet.

This can work. I have some apps, but there's nothing like a real one. I think I might look for one on Amazon, or probably go looking for one this weekend.

At 11:00 AM today (1/21/2025), it showed the outside temperature to be -4F, the inside temperature to be 61F.
I think at 9:00 AM it was -18F outside, 60F inside. It is expected to be 7F above zero by 2:00 PM. I don't know how long it will take to get to a normal temperature inside.
I'm at a point where I don't know if I am tapping my shoes due to the cold or the autism. Some thoughts on the medication, I can't forget to take my medication if I am not on medication.

I read part of the executive order. It will take awhile to absorb all that information. What concerns me is the transgender people who will say that it doesn't affect them because they use the genderless restroom. Yet the order can be looked at, and the conclusion can be that genderless rest rooms are not needed.
I still don't understand how someone calls themselves transsexual and has gone through the surgery, can state that transgender people just have mental disorders. Transsexuals are real, transgender are not. We need to agree with _____ or we loose the money from You Tube.
Michelle

Get a bird clock that has recordings of birds chirping.  If you learn the bird calls you will know what hour it is when you hear it.  A photocell is used to quiet the calls when the room is dark.

Sorry about the rant. Now back to my original thoughts.

I was writing about medication. Sometime medication can get wild. This drug will help you, but you need another drug to deal with the side effects of that drug, and you need one more to deal with the side effects of the drug for the side effects of the first drug. What if we substitute nutrition for the drugs?

Back to the pickles, I have occasionally drank pickle juice right out of the jar. This time I picked up a different brand. The preservative in this brand caused lung inflammation. Investigation found the preservative to be the cause, that brand appears to be the only one that uses that preservative. Use a different brand and no need for medication to fight inflammation in my lungs.

It used to be that I was getting up almost every hour at night to use the bathroom. I knew the cause, it was in the margarine. It was in the mayonnaise on the sandwich from the fast food place. It was in the tarter sauce for my fish fillets. Soy oil is called vegetable oil, and it is even in the cans of tuna.
When I finally eliminated everything with soy from my diet, I started to sleep for longer periods. Eventually getting to getting up 1-2 time during the night. I can even drive for a couple hours without needing to use the restroom. Check the clock to make sure I drink my water to stay hydrated.

My computer is now showing the temperature outside is above +4F. I can now get to the car with less distress. If I need to I can put my gloved hand over my mouth to help warm the air if I need to breathe through my mouth. It won't take long on my drive for the temperature in the car to get warmer than it is in the house (at the moment 63F). I have the thermostat set for 73F, and it should be close by the time I get back.
Michelle

I found some chiropractic bill from 1985. Trying to read the diagnosis from a couple of them. One seems to be dealing with a 17 year old whiplash that never got taken care of. That it's your fault for being in a place for it to happen, to quit faking it. The other is lower back pain, possible from a short leg. More likely due to my mother yanking my hair to make me sit straight. Maybe too straight, or jerked straight.
at a later date a Medical doctor thought I should put my hands on my forehead and put tension on my neck to strengthen my muscles. I can move my head from side to side and feel the neck joints pop, with my hands nowhere near my head or neck.
I think I had to go to the doctor once because of some guy who thought he was smart. He would see me coming down an aisle and wait until I got near him. He would then step out and I would have to do a quick stop. The forklift was called a walkie-rider where I stood on a platform. The sudden stop would jerk my back.
At the moment I am considering finding another chiropractor.
Michelle

Another day, another story. This one concerns a trophy given by a seed corn company. It was in the spring and I got a bag of seed corn from the vocational agriculture teacher. We were to harvest the corn in the fall and report results. My dad harvested the corn in the fall and didn't keep track of anything. The teacher handed me the booklet my cousin had done the year before. While copying the information over, I found a mistake that he had made and corrected it. The corrected copy earned me a trophy from the seed corn company.

On the Saturday that the dinner given by the seed corn company, my dad decided we were going to put up a new fence around the corn crib. My dad said don't worry, we have plenty of time, You will be able to meet the others for your ride. Once we had the old fence down, my dad said he had to get something and he would be right back. Naturally I had to stand guard and keep the cows away from the corn crib. I stood guard 1 hour, 2 hours, 3 hours, the time to meet my ride had come and gone, and my dad had not returned and instructed me on how he wanted the new fence to be. In anger I put my pocked watch on top a fence post and smashed it with a hammer. What good is a watch when no one else seems to care about the time.  Finally my dad returns and we finish putting up the new fence.

I never got to the dinner and I never got my trophy. However, I did get to see that trophy every day in a display case in the classroom. I felt bad for the people waiting for me and I never showed up, so I never asked for the trophy. The reason I never got to my ride was not discussed, and the trophy was never given to me.
Michelle

One spring, I think I was in eighth grade, My dad asked me about my school attendance. It turned out he wanted me to stay home and help him plant the corn. I informed him that I had a test, and he stated that I could do a makeup test. It was obvious that no matter what, I was going to stay home and help him plant the corn. This was the first, last, and only day that I helped him plant corn on a school day. I got to wait at the end of the field, and help put seed corn into a little 4 row corn planter. Just so he could brag about needing someone to stay home from school to help him plant crops.

Why not lie like all the other lies? I never got a makeup test, all I got was sheet of paper with my name on it with a big red F. The teacher decided to make an example of me, This is what happens to students that think they will get out of doing a test by being absent.
If I had perfect attendance then he could not complain about my attendance. And the test, fail it and he can complain about me getting the F.
My sister lived for only 24 hours. I get to hear how great she would have been. She would have gotten perfect attendance for every grade. She would have been an A++ student. Since she could do all this then there was no reason that I could not do this.

Who was taking my homework out of my schoolbooks before I went to school, and putting it back when I got home? Have you any idea what it feels like to search you books for your homework and not find it, and when you get home search for the homework and find it in the schoolbook?


Do you know what you can do with a computer. Sometime after my dad died, I found a certificate maker program. I made up a bunch of certificates with her name. I took them out to my dad's workshop and put them in his desk. I said "There are perfect attendance certificates for your perfect daughter. The ones you could not get because she died."
Michelle

Who am I trying to convince? you or me? I've been called a lair so much that I find it hard to believe that anyone would see my writing as anything more than a work of fiction. How dare I accuse my sister of doing something like that. Sugar and spice and everything nice, that's what little girls are made of. Everything was my fault. Sure, how can it be my fault my sister died from a birth defect? I'm supposed to have some kind of power that my touch can cause my sister to be born with a birth defect.
But that is only a small part.

My dad claimed he was not loved because his parents wanted a girl. I mock him by acting like a girl. It is two fold since I had a sister that died. Now I mock the fact that my sister died. Just by being around reminds him that my sister died. Why couldn't it have been the boy that died.
He did die! He died from a broken heart, her love could not break through the anger of her father. It was said that a girl has unconditional love for her father.
Do you know how hard it is for a girl to pretend she is a boy? Especially when you grow up surrounded by girls. I'm supposed to act like a boy, when my dad is nowhere around to teach me how to act like a boy.

I think I got way off track. I mentioned the boy died, I didn't mention he took a lot of bad memories with him. I don't think my sisters understand, I experienced the death of a new born sister when I was 2 years old. I seem to remember the oven door open trying to have some heat to keep her warm. Of me holding her while my dad got my mother to the car. I have visited her grave a few times.

I was supposedly too young for it to have any affect on my life.
Michelle

Asperger, autism, what do you mean? My dad tells me I can't be trusted around my sisters. I am told that I am not to touch, look at or even talk to my sisters. He just hit the three main symptoms of autism. Almost a guarantee he will be obeyed. Now he can take credit for my silence. At least someone does as they are told. He doesn't talk because I haven't given him permission to talk.

When my dad tells his buddies about his miraculous escape from death, I'm hurting inside. I hurt because I can't find the words to say no, that's not what happened. I couldn't idle down the tractor because I was holding the clutch lever of the blower.

You can't have autism, it would have been caught in school. This is the 1950s, these teachers may have been there since the 1940s. The sixth grade teacher actually called me stupid and said that I will never learn. They have no idea what autism or adhd is.

We have a boy that doesn't talk. Since he doesn't talk, we can blame him for stuff and he won't deny it. And I have no idea why I am suddenly getting my mouth washed out with soap when I never said anything. This idea that I should know I said naughty words and that's why I'm being punished. Later I will figure it out. I am being punished because my sister tricked my grandma into thinking I said naughty words.

I heard once that when they were adults, my brother gave my sister a good talking to. Talked to her about the mean things she did while they were growing up. My brother met his wife at, I think it was Camp Challenge, where they worked with mentally disabled people.

I don't understand some things, like trying to gain the ability to make eye contact, then when I do manage, I get my face slapped by my mother, from behind. So I end up with two reasons, one being the autism, the other the pain of my mothers slap.
Michelle

In high school, I don't know if one thing had to do with another.
One time in study hall, a couple of students came to me and wanted to test something. I was to do a maze while looking through a mirror. I stopped almost as soon as I started. I don't know what they thought as I my other hand down. I placed that hand so I could not see the maze without looking in the mirror. I finished the maze. I believe they were psychology students. I wondered how many others had done this test, and how many others actually blocked their vision.

I think it was only a couple of times that I was taken from a classroom and given a reading comprehension test.

One time a teacher stopped and approached my desk. I was unable to talk but I mentally recorded what she said and analyzed it later. She said she knew I was intelligent from the library books that I would have. At the time on my desk was the book war and peace. But I did not do any book reports. She made a comment that I don't understand a word she says, she then says take care.
I have a problem with hearing comprehension, I don't know how much is due to the damaged hearing. Somewhere I learned I can learn to lip read.

One time I mentioned lip reading to a therapist. He decided to test me, and slowly moved a paper over his mouth. I don't think he expected to be called out on it, when I said I knew he was testing me. I explained I can also analyze what I do hear and fill in the blank sounds.

I don't know if it was before or after, but I did get my hearing checked. It was explained that due to the type of hearing loss I had, hearing aids would not help. He made a comment about wondering how I managed to cope, function, whatever.
Michelle
 

I hear okay but sometimes my brain does not take it in, thats the dyslexic bit! Now my hearing is a bit down, to many years using power tools without protection.

I took a little side-trip and now I forgot what I was going to write. Might as well go with the flow.
I was born on a farm and not in a hospital. I am not circumcised. Therefore there should be no hospital expenses connected with my birth. At some point my dad tells me I should reimburse him for the hospital expenses when I was born.
To me it does not make any sense. In order for it to make sense means something about my birth required a trip to the hospital. To me that suggests that I am intersex. The fact that I felt I was a girl that could pee standing up didn't help matters any. I also felt that somebody had done something to change me.

The alternative did not occur to me at the time. The very idea that he would try to get reimbursed for a hospital procedure that never happened seems unthinkable.

Maybe my thought that I am intersex makes me more     to the plight of the intersex receiving surgeries for non life threatening conditions when they can't give consent.
They also circumsize babies that can't give consent. They do this to babies without any religious reasons.


It finally occurs to me to find a Klinefelter syndrome forum. I did a bunch of reading. I already knew the common treatment was a load of testosterone and if necessary ... There are transgender people that have Klinefelter syndrome. And a lot are living as female.

A long time ago I read about how genetic testing could be used to find conditions in pre-born babies. It hurt to read that Klinefelter syndrome is being found and they are being aborted.
Michelle

The self electrolysis gets a bit painful, especially near the nose. maybe that is why I have such a runny nose today. I think it was 20 years ago someone asked if I had help with hair removal. The answer was, because of my mother yanking my hair and slapping my face, it is very difficult to let any woman get that close.
even 20 years ago there wasn't much to my beard. A couple hours with a tweezers and the beard is gone.

My trip to the dentist last year was very interesting. I set up my appointment using the name Michael.  When the day come, I was in the waiting room they called for Michelle. A woman near got up and went into the back. I made a remark to the receptionist that my feminine name is Michelle. It seemed unusual the there would be two people with the same name. There was a mix-up. The name Michael was pronounced Michelle. And we got things sorted out. From then on I was known as Michelle.

Just about the same thing happened at the eye doctor. Only this time I got up when I heard the name Michelle. I can't really say I was outed as I had nail polish and jewelry.
Michelle

The name game is wild. I am known as Gina ever where I go. The other day I'm in the doctors office with 3 other people and they call Greg, my dead name. I almost jumped to my feet. Then a man got up and went in. Whew, close one! 

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 25, 2025, 12:07:29 AMThe self electrolysis gets a bit painful, especially near the nose. maybe that is why I have such a runny nose today.

I hear this from everyone, my turn on the grill is coming up soon next month, ouch!

Somehow I messed up. I thought that I had requested diagnosis for asthma, autism, and ADHD, last year when I went to the St Cloud veteran's healthcare. I did not get any diagnosis for any of them. Instead learn to control my anxiety through the use of my fidget toys.
Learned while growing up, grit your teeth and work harder. My complaints were met with quit faking it, or it's all in your head. And because he says I don't have a backache, I won't get any pain killers, so I get to suffer when I should be sleeping. And then in 1984 I get told by a chiropractor that I have arthritis due to my back being out of place for so long.
What I just went through was painful. I don't know if it was the flu or an allergic reaction. It seemed to start in the store, when I couldn't get enough air. I think it was twice and was less than a minute. Once I got home, I went into the house, sat on the toilet and promptly fell asleep.
For the next three days coughing was painful. And now I also have upper back pain. I checked and it looks like I need a referral to go to a chiropractor. As for the running out of air, walk slow. I don't have a diagnosis for asthma, so I don't have any inhaler. Because of the autism, I seem to forget to mention my pains to the doctor.
Michelle

Sometimes when I forget to mention things to my doctor, I make a list. It might be conditions I wnt them to check or could be questions that I want to ask. My doctor is pretty thorough in asking about everything when I check in with her. But sometimes things do get missed.

Maybe if you make a list, then put it somewhere so you don't forget to take the list with you.  ;D

Something happened. I looked up Wyatt Earp syndrome, and ended up being challenged by a chat-bot for some psychiatric group. During the process I kind of called my dad a brat, that would have a temper tantrum if he didn't get his way. He would complain about my school grades, I think also interfere with my getting better grades so that he would have something to complain about. The only thing I could figure was that someone was taking my homework out of my school books before school. When I went to hand in my homework, it would be missing. When I would get home, I would search all over, only to find my homework in my schoolbook. Nice touch, sneak the homework back in my schoolbook so I could be considered too lazy to hand my schoolwork in.

My dad went to the country school, the one room school house. According to him the teacher got lazy one year, when he was the only student in that grade. She tried to push him ahead one grade and he didn't handle it. She then dropped him back to take a grade over.

I think a short pool game was very telling. After he won, someone made a comment about letting him win. His response was that they better let him win if they know whats best for them. The question becomes, When does the self sabotage begin, so the sore looser doesn't loose. Here the sore looser has the power to ground you if you win.

On self sabotage where is the line drawn. Certainly my dad never had a trophy from the drag strips. On my many trips down the strip, I always missed 3rd gear, and never got a trophy.

At some point I ask myself if it has become some kind of habit. Like I can practice tossing horse shoes, and I can make all kinds of ringers. But when competing, I can't make any points.
Just a thought, when playing horse shoes, make sure the horse is not wearing them. Also now wondering where I might go to practice or play horse shoes. It looks like there are different pitching distances. 10 foot difference between the men's and the women's.

Not to forget the bully who couldn't stand the idea that his child had something he never had. First steal the roller skates, then make the claim that he won the skates instead of his child, and then also tell his buddies how he skated up and down the sidewalk in front of his house. They would never guess that he had never been on a pair of roller skates in his life.

Did I mention the Wyatt Earp wannabe. I think about the same time there were war tv series. My dad could bring out the display box with the military ribbons and tell about the ribbons. While his buddies(his brother-in-laws) were amazed, none of them had any idea he was too young to enlist during WW2. During the 1960s you could pickup almost anything at a gun-show. Again, My mother's brother was in the war. Maybe my dad couldn't stand the idea someone did what he couldn't do. That must have really hurt him that his own son entered the military and went to Germany. My DD214 shows 6 months overseas duty (1971). I guess that entitles me to have a bar on my lower sleeve.
Ever hear of a PX solder. I heard of one who had Sargent stripes and Major bars. He claimed to be a Sargent Major.

Any way, after I got done with the chat bot, I went on my 40 mile trip, which was really 80 miles figuring both directions. But something was different. I seemed more relaxed in the store. I had also done some writing in an abuse forum. I don't know if I'm letting go of some anger, or just putting the blame where it belongs. It is not my fault my sister died of pneumonia, My acting like a girl has nothing to do with her death.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 30, 2025, 09:37:18 PMBut something was different. I seemed more relaxed in the store. I had also done some writing in an abuse forum. I don't know if I'm letting go of some anger, or just putting the blame where it belongs.

That's a wonderful sign, Michelle! I'm so happy for you.

hugs! 💖

I got done writing and realized I do have a drag strip trophy. It was an electronic drag strip at the county fair. It was like a game booth at the fairgrounds. I found some trophies on eBay for drag strip simulator.
That makes me think a bit, I can do this. Since I defeated the race tracks in Disney Infinity, I could buy the trophies and have them engraved for the various Infinity tracks. Imagine a trophy for the highest level in a tomb raider game, that being the secret level where her house is invaded. Or a trophy for Super Mario, all played as Peach.
Michelle

I woke up needing to use the bathroom. After taking care of things, some crazy idea kept me from going back to sleep. I decided to write it out.

First is to assume that I actually do have Klinefelter syndrome. A symptom being that the testosterone factory is too small to deep up with demand. The estrogen factory is not doing it's job either, resulting in testosterone being converted to estrogen.
Second is remembering the history lesson on beer production. The Monks chose to put hops into the beer because it had a calming effect on men. The alcohol in the beer releases the phytoestrogen from the hops, making it available to the drinker. I find a cheep source of estrogen, without converting the testosterone. I'm actually addicted to the phytoestrogen, and have a craving for it. since it is in the beer, I have a craving for the beer. Since it is not a craving for alcohol, non alcoholic beer will satisfy the cravings.

I'm beginning to wonder, when I quit drinking milk, I started drinking soy milk, another product that had phytoestrogen. Possible my migraine was ...
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 31, 2025, 06:05:28 AMThe alcohol in the beer releases the phytoestrogen from the hops, making it available to the drinker. I find a cheep source of estrogen, without converting the testosterone. I'm actually addicted to the phytoestrogen, and have a craving for it. since it is in the beer, I have a craving for the beer. Since it is not a craving for alcohol, non alcoholic beer will satisfy the cravings.

I'm beginning to wonder, when I quit drinking milk, I started drinking soy milk, another product that had phytoestrogen.

Were you able to get your hrt treatment plan going?



~ Lilis

I get to try it again, this time it got rescheduled for 10:45 in the morning. lately I haven't been up before 10. I think I have to leave here by 8. This appointment will be for psychiatric therapy. Hopefully I can do my printouts and have some ...
I sometimes feel confused, unable to even find the the letters in the letters of the ... I can't find the letters to say what I want to say. I should just post what I have, get away from the computer and let my brain clear from the anxiety and then I should be able think properly again. I still do not have any medication for my mental problems.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 31, 2025, 10:59:08 PMI get to try it again, this time it got rescheduled for 10:45 in the morning. lately I haven't been up before 10. I think I have to leave here by 8. This appointment will be for psychiatric therapy. Hopefully I can do my printouts and have some ...

That's good news, best of luck.

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 31, 2025, 10:59:08 PMI should just post what I have, get away from the computer and let my brain clear from the anxiety and then I should be able think properly again.

Yeah, no rush take your time, the forums will still be here when you're ready.

I sit here going into my third week of having this cold. The very fact that I have had a runny nose for the past 2 weeks proves it is not a cold. Although the second week with a runny nose may have been a cold, but it was just wore out with aches and a fever. It almost seems natural for me to have a stuffed up nose the majority of the time.

I may have come to a compromise allowing me to roller skate again. It requires that I have knee, elbow and wrist pads. Plus I will wear head protection. The problem with the head gear is that I have a small size head, so I need to get the small size helmet, which is a child sized helmet. I may even consider what is called a half helmet, with the Harley logo.

Do I have to become a pest at the VA urgent care to get what I want.
Michelle

I see what Lori Dee has and I wonder if I should say Army gunner first class 155MM howitzer.

Quote from: Michelle_K on February 01, 2025, 12:01:07 AMI see what Lori Dee has and I wonder if I should say Army gunner first class 155MM howitzer.

Hello Arty!

We have a lot of veterans here. There is nothing wrong with letting other veterans know that they are not alone.

Quote from: Michelle_K on February 01, 2025, 12:01:07 AMI may have come to a compromise allowing me to roller skate again. It requires that I have knee, elbow and wrist pads. Plus I will wear head protection. The problem with the head gear is that I have a small size head, so I need to get the small size helmet, which is a child sized helmet. I may even consider what is called a half helmet, with the Harley logo.

Yay... awesome! Have Fun! 🫂💗

Yesterday I picked up a Casio CTK-150 at a goodwill store for $10.00. I managed to change the batteries, and it seems to work fine. As I play around with it, and listen to it, it is telling me little stories. First is the child that had accordion lessons. I might need a refresher course on reading music, but I think I still have the proper hand position..

The cord organ: One Christmas we got a cord organ that was portable. It was supposed to be for all the kids, Until it was only for my sisters. I got informed that I was wrong, my dad never told me I was forbidden from playing the cord organ. I had been tricked by my sister, stating that my dad said I was forbidden from playing the cord organ. Later the same thing would happen when we got a piano. My sisters could take turns, but it would never be my turn because I was forbidden from playing the piano.

I wonder what all this could cover. I'm watching tv, my sister comes along and wants to watch something else. I say no, and my sister goes to the kitchen. She comes back and tells me, mom says she gets to watch what she wants to watch. This is a daily occurrence until she just changes the channel.

I think I was alone in the house once and I sat down at the piano, opened the music book and started playing trailers for rent.
Michelle

I saw an ad on Facebook. It stated, "I am not transphobic, but I am not going to let some mentally ill person tell me what to do."

I'm trying to figure out what I might say to them. Should I remind them about Francis from the tv show, I've got a secret. Someone figured she wasn't behaving properly, and she got put into a mental institution. Later she got picked at random for a demonstration of a lobotomy. At least now she behaved properly even if she wasn't much better than a vegetable.

Was it that long ago that they used shock therapy to change behavior. It didn't change behavior, it just made the person hide it better.

When it comes to mental illnesses, depression, etc are treated with drugs. I am transgender, and I have a hormone imbalance. I need to be treated with hormones. Yet some people seem to think that the best treatment for me would be a swift kick in the rear
My dad seemed to have the idea that a 2x4 over the head would knock some sense into me. Maybe he was right, I did go on a 2 week vacation after getting hit over the head with an angle iron.

I still don't get it with this you tuber who say he is a transsexual. Goes on to say transsexuals are real and transgender are not.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on February 01, 2025, 02:53:30 PMI still don't get it with this you tuber who say he is a transsexual. Goes on to say transsexuals are real and transgender are not.

Me too, and I think newbies like us often get caught in the crossfire of this debate within the community, where there seems to be no universally agreed upon answer. The terms themselves are fluid and can mean different things to different people.

I've noticed that many people within the community choose one term or the other based on their personal identity and experience. Some identify as 'transgender' because they feel it's more inclusive of all trans people, while others may feel that 'transsexual' better reflects their personal journey or how they wish to be seen.

I am of the opinion that this debate is subjective, and individuals should be encouraged to use the terms that feel right for them.

I am not getting involved in it. 😂

From my perspective "transgender" is someone who experiences gender dysphoria and may or may not transition.

"Transsexual" is someone who has undergone transition and may or may not experience gender dysphoria.

The difference is trans + gender and trans + sex. So pre-op would be transgender, but post-op transsexual.

Where it gets messy is some people transition without surgery, so it isn't as black and white as all that.

Quote from: Lori Dee on February 01, 2025, 04:52:09 PMThe difference is trans + gender and trans + sex. So pre-op would be transgender, but post-op transsexual.

I see what you did there, and it's starting to make a little more sense. I still can't fully wrap my head around it, I'll keep trying base on this perspective, thanks though.

For your Information:

The following are the Susan's Place "Community Definitions"
          posted by @Susan on January 26, 2009

Link--->   Standard Terms and Definitions on Susan's Place
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,54369.msg337984.html#msg337984

Quote from: Susan on January 26, 2009, 10:04:38 PM

Community Definitions:

Transgender: an inclusive umbrella term which covers anyone who transcends their birth gender for any reason. This includes but is not limited to Androgynes, Crossdressers, Drag kings, Drag queens, Intersexuals, Transsexuals, and Transvestites.

Androgyne: An androgynous person

Androgynous: Being neither distinguishably masculine nor feminine, as in dress, appearance, or behavior.

Crossdresser: a person wears the clothing of the opposite gender, and has no desire to permanently change their sex. There is generally no sexual motivation for the cross-dressing.

Drag kings: performers, usually gay women or transgendered men - who dress in "drag," clothing associated with the male gender, usually highly exaggerated versions thereof. Drag kings often do drag to perform, singing or lip-syncing and dancing, participating in events such as gay pride parades, cabarets, discotheques, and other celebrations and venues.

Drag queens: performers, usually gay men or transgendered women - who dress in "drag," clothing associated with the female gender, usually highly exaggerated versions thereof. Drag queens often do drag to perform, singing or lip-syncing and dancing, participating in events such as gay pride parades, cabarets, discotheques, and other celebrations and venues.

Intersexual: a person born with the full or partial sex organs of both sexes; with underdeveloped or ambiguous sex organs; a sex chromosome karyotype other than XX or XY; or sex hormone receptor problems which prevent normal absorption of Estrogen or Androgens. Intersexual persons may seek to make their body as congruent as possible with the preferred sex through surgery and hormone treatments.

Non-Binary: A person whose gender identity is not exclusively masculine or feminine‍. A Non-Binary person may express a combination of masculinity and femininity, or neither, in their day to day gender expression. This is sometimes also known as Genderqueer.

Significant other: for the purpose of this site, someone close to a person who is transgender. This may be a mother, father, son, daughter, sister, brother, family member, husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, or friend.

Transsexual: a person who is mentally one gender, but has the body of the other. They desire to live and be accepted as a member of the mental gender, this is generally accompanied by the strong desire to make their body as congruent as possible with the preferred sex through surgery and hormone treatments.

Transvestite: a person who wears the clothing of the opposite gender, and has no desire to permanently change their sex. There is generally a strong sexual motivation for the cross-dressing.

Other terms:

Post-Ops: Transsexuals who have had surgical procedures to make their body as congruent as possible with their preferred sex. For MTF transsexuals this is generally considered to be after Genital surgery (GRS, orchiectomy, and/or penectomy), for FTM transsexuals it is generally considered to be after top surgery.

Pre-ops: Transsexuals who desire to to make their body as congruent as possible with their preferred sex, but have not yet had the surgical procedures for whatever reason.

This is not intended to be a glossary of all tg related terms. This just defines the make-up of the community on this site.

Proper Pronouns

Always use proper gender terms and pronouns based on the person's expressed self identity. Intentionally misgendering someone will result in a ban no matter what provocation you think you experienced.

For Male to Female Transsexuals: Male to Female transsexuals are women, and should be addressed in the feminine,  Brava instead of Bravo. recommended pronouns include She, Her, and Hers.

For Female to Male Transsexuals: Female to Male transsexuals are men, and should be addressed in the masculine Bravo instead of Brava. Recommended pronouns include He, Him, and His.

Gender Neutral: Whenever possible avoid the use feminine or masculine forms. Recommended pronouns include Them, They, and Their.

Note:  ->-bleeped-<-  and ->-bleeped-<- are considered extremely pejorative and should not be used on this site. Terms like Ladyboy should be limited to use in their specific cultural reference.

.        As shown just above, if censored words and phrases are       
        posted and then automatically replaced with ->-bleeped-<- 
        they are NOT allowed on Susan's Place and the Forum.
``````````````````````````````````
Any questions, please ask.
HUGS, Danielle[Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator    Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

          cc:  @Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Lori Dee  @Sarah B

Thanks, Danielle! 💗




@Northern Star Girl

I like those definitions better.
(I was trying to find them and got lost down a rabbit hole.  ;D )

I was thinking of freaking out my brother-in-law. When he found out I broke my wrists it was like that proved how unsafe skates were. Friday, while checking out an antique store, I found a pair of clamp on roller skates. I'm thinking of posting a photo on Facebook, with the caption, "finally found the proper sidewalk skates."

It isn't all that easy. Since they are clamp on skates, the shoe needs something to clamp onto. I think I failed to mention the roller skates from my childhood were clamp on skates.

I've been doing some research, and it looks like I might choose a fingerless leather gauntlet. I don't need much as I already have metal wrist braces in my wrists. I'm thinking of adding leather chest armor. for headgear, I have already ordered a ball-cap style plastic cap with chin strap. I have a couple of months to figure out the rest of it, unless I find some ice skates and an ice rink.
Michelle.

Quote from: Michelle_K on February 01, 2025, 02:53:30 PMI saw an ad on Facebook. It stated, "I am not transphobic, but I am not going to let some mentally ill person tell me what to do."

I'm trying to figure out what I might say to them. Should I remind them about Francis from the tv show, I've got a secret. Someone figured she wasn't behaving properly, and she got put into a mental institution. Later she got picked at random for a demonstration of a lobotomy. At least now she behaved properly even if she wasn't much better than a vegetable.

Many of the old tv shows depicted men in women's clothing as an oddity or for humor. It makes getting treated seriously hard, when these images are in many a heads. Mash, where Klinger was trying for a section 8, Benny Hill, even Carol Burnett had a few skits like that. There are many more. I think way back to the old days of movies where an actor would wear black face and make fun of black people. It was considered ok till society changed. We are in a period of change now, only the faces have changed. I'm sure in time much of it will work out in time. I see this as the final gasp of homophobia. Till then we must stand out ground and try to make other aware of our plight.

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on February 01, 2025, 05:25:01 PM......
Note:  ->-bleeped-<-  and ->-bleeped-<- are considered extremely pejorative and should not be used on this site.
......

I shall carefully avoid using the word ->-bleeped-<-.  Oops!

I used to have roller skates but I could never even stand up in them.

It seems my dad thought he was smart when it came to sex. According to him, the only reason for a man to wear a dress was for a sexual thrill. I wonder if he had experience. He didn't seem very observant. Somehow he got the idea his son was sexually active with a cousin. You know what? That sounds like it could be a story in a playboy magazine. So, instead of helping me with the chores, he was in the workshop, with his nose in a smut magazine.
Michelle

I thought I could download some sheet music, such as Patsy Cline. Free download sounded good to me, turned out I have a free download as long as I have a paid subscription.
Really the app for the phone is free, but you still need a paid subscription.

Sometime after my dad had died, my brother-in-law said something to me to the effect that I had no right to treat my dad the way I did. My brother-in-law went to psychology school, I guess he learned how to get what he wanted. It took thirty years, but the farm finally got sold, and he got the share he felt he deserved.

Back to having no right to treat someone the way they did. What about the way I was treated. I went into the military owing money on a car. I sent home 100 dollars every month. My mother made the payments on the car, while my dad pocketed the money I sent home. I had crashed my car while on leave, and my dad felt due to the circumstances that my mother had to pay for my other car, he would not cosign for a new car.
Then there was something about reimbursing my dad for the tuition for the trade school. That did not go over very good, it seems I paid my own tuition.
Michelle

(https://scontent-ord5-3.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/475931320_466989886479613_5191614715967663996_n.jpg?stp=c94.0.563.563a_dst-jpg_s206x206_tt6&_nc_cat=107&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=714c7a&_nc_ohc=YfCGb8h4vU4Q7kNvgFmUKOD&_nc_zt=23&_nc_ht=scontent-ord5-3.xx&_nc_gid=AYhbKSULUweBgqIAeB0r6HF&oh=00_AYCP6Tvyu8zPw7Ic-gCTTKf0q-S-emGDjxFo-ph7cnquzw&oe=67A6225B)

I won a pair of roller skates like these in a raffle from a business in my hometown. I think I was a preteen. I used to skate up and down the aisle in the barn, the skate key hung from the shelf next to the radio in the kitchen.
Then one day the skates disappeared, which was strange since nobody had gone into my room and taken them. The obvious answer was that I never had the skates in the first place.
It was later that I walked into my dad's workshop where he was entertaining some friends. He showed his friends the roller skates he had won in a raffle when he was a child, and told them how he would roller skate up and down the sidewalk in front of his house. He still has the skate key and it hangs from the shelf next to the radio in the kitchen.
Everyone knows how honest my dad is, and if he says he won the skates then it is the truth.

Twenty years later maybe, I said something to my mother about it. She informed me that my dad never had any roller skates when he was a child.
Michelle

I don't know if I ever mentioned that at the local garbage dump, jewelry could be found. There was a rack of drawers in the workshop and one drawer had a small purse filled with jewelry, along with old compacts and lipstick tubes. I might wonder how much jewelry I found and contributed to the stash.

I don't know all that much about psychology, as far as I know, the big doll, the paper dolls and the jewelry were never brought out in front of the guys. So there was something different about the girl stuff. He may not have had any claim on them.

I may get into some speculative theories here. One being that none of this belonged to my sisters. Obviously, it belonged to a special girl. Her toys are her so obviously she never died.

I don't know if this happens, a living child gets substituted for a child that has died. The parent becomes convinced that the living child is proof that the child has not died. I play with the jewelry all that I want because the jewelry is mine.
I listen to the story of how his ball ended up in a shed he was not to enter.
I heard the story of how my uncle lost his eye.
then the story every noon he got locked out of the house while his parents climbed back into bed for a bit of fun.
I also heard the story of how his dad lost his fingers.

My dad did carry a purse that had been repurposed for carrying a movie camera.
Michelle

More speculation. This time look into a situation where the younger sister considers her older brother to be an embarrassment. This has to do with a fold-able fruit basket. Folded just right it becomes a crown.
My sister comes along and informs me that a friend is putting on a play and would like to borrow my crown. I decide to allow it. A week later I ask about my crown and I get informed that the girl decided to keep my crown, and that I really did not need it.
Since I was not told the name of the friend or the name of the play, or heard from anybody else about any play, I think I can assume the whole thing was to get the crown away from me. That likely it went into a school garbage can.

As for the cord organ and the piano, My sister informs me that I am not allowed near them, in effect they are only for the girls. More than that, My other sisters will have to come to her for any help playing the keyboard.

Perhaps the most telling is the tv incident, where we sit down to watch tv. Right away my sister starts jabbing me in the ribs with her finger. I move off the sofa onto the floor, she has moved with me and continues to jab me. Finally I say stop, and I immediately get sent to the kitchen for making noises.
I get told that if I can be quiet I can return to watch tv. My sister's look is don't you dare. You are not to be part of my family.

Since we went from playing with paper dolls together to me hiding my paper dolls in the basement ceiling joists, something had to have happened. Maybe it was my sister laying down the rules. I was not to play with them anymore, but I was needed to cutout the new doll clothes as I was the only one allowed to operate the scissors. Perhaps my dad never did find my paper dolls, maybe they were given to him. The possibility that my sister spied on me to see what I was doing in the basement, and she made sure the paper dolls disappeared.
Michelle

I had to do a search to find the term. Replacement Child Syndrome. The therapist couldn't understand it when I said I was competing with a ghost. She died as an infant. She has a blank slate, my dad decides this is what she would have become. She would have been the ideal daughter. And then the challenge, If she could do this, then there is no reason you can't do this. My dad's ideal daughter listened to his stories as she wiped the dust off of the workbench, swept the floor, or polished the cartridge shells. His identity lost somewhere as he is forced to take on the identity of his dead sister. He has become an emotional crutch for his parents.  Yes, I have referred to myself using her name.
Michelle

I did post that photo on Facebook. I think my sister showed her disapproval with an emoji. I'm trying to figure out when the last time was that I had roller skated in the barn. I know I was an adult wearing skates with black boots. It would have been just like mom to decide to clean out the basement and a bunch of boxes had to go to the barn. The purpose was not to clean out the basement, the purpose was to stop me from roller skating. She decided it was too dangerous and I was too old to roller skate.

When I am posting is several different places, it gets a bit difficult to remember what got posted where. I think I posted someplace that after my dad's death I printed out a bunch of perfect attendance certificates and put the in my dad's desk. I had even once tried to make a profile of her, favorite music, etc. Using my dad as the model, his favorites would become her favorites.

As far as the radio was concerned, that was his radio, and you listen to his radio station. None of the kids have their own radios. During the week, we will listen to country music, on Sunday there is a program on another station called Polka Party. Rock and Roll? Never heard of it. Except at some point all these artists started showing up on tv. Captain and Tennille, Sony and Cher, and a few others.
The point is, if all I hear is country music, then country music becomes my favorite by default.
Then there were the accordion lessons, and the songs will be waltzes.

When I get done making the profile of my sister, I find that the profile fits me.

I need to learn more about this replacement child syndrome. Apparently grandparents can also suffer the loss and lean towards the replacement child. Maybe one result being my fingers going into the washing machine wringer, as I helped my grandma wash clothes.
Michelle

A bit rough today. Get up a couple hours earlier than normal. Driving east towards the sun and the road is ice. The one round-a-bout was a bit strange and caught me off guard, it is a bit away from the main road. Did I mention a 2 hour drive and I didn't have time to eat. Then I missed my exit from the freeway and ended up on the wrong side of the river. I managed to find a way to get turned around, and then took the wrong exit. I was on the proper side of the river, and found river road. I then realized my phone knew a trick. Looked up the phone number, and since I put in the address, I could use the map. Followed river road until it showed my turn and made it to my appointment.

Afterwards made my way back to the freeway, took the 55 exit. Realized it was east and I wanted west. Got turned around and made my way back to the freeway. Finally found the proper exit, and headed towards Buffalo, MN. In Buffalo I found an Arby's and got me a sandwich, and then headed home.
Michelle

That sounds like quite the road trip!

Glad you made it home safely.

Quote from: Michelle_K on February 07, 2025, 12:00:19 AMI then realized my phone knew a trick. Looked up the phone number, and since I put in the address, I could use the map.

Yeah, just pair it with your vehicle's Bluetooth and follow the directions.

I hardly ever get lost these days, but because of that, when people ask me for directions, I can't help, I barely even know how I got to my destination. 😵


~ Lilis

I bought a wind up pendulum clock. I had a lot of trouble trying to get it to run, so I gave up and set it on the floor by my exercise bike. Today I decided I would put it on top of the faerie cage, and put a CD under one side to make it look level. The clock has decided to run and it chimes the hour.

At my appointment, I was having trouble talking and getting throat pain. Then something happened and the pain disappeared. I don't know if I had found the proper pitch and then could talk without pain, or if I had pushed the adams apple back into the proper position. Did I mention someone was fooling around on a school bus and I got hit in the throat.
Michelle

Sometime my thoughts get a little strange. I remember a member of the group Kiss had a long tongue. It has been so long ago that I've forgotten how long it was. Out of curiosity I decided to check it out. That is a long tongue.

There are a few medical problems that it causes such as biting the tongue while trying to eat. When talking it becomes a problem of trying to spit out the words that get caught between the tongue and the teeth. Something I had not even considered was the tongue actually blocking the airway, forcing breathing through the mouth.

Then comes the realization that the photo does not show concentration. The photo of me at 3 years old with my tongue hanging out, shows that my tongue is too long. Looking at the photo of me at one year old shows that even then I had to breath through my mouth. Thinking now that no amount of punishment was going to get me to chew my food with my mouth closed, especially since i could not breath with my mouth closed.

I was in the bathroom when I stuck out my tongue and saw that I could almost touch the bottom of my chin.
I had tried something yesterday with a mask, to see if it would help on my walk. Although it wasn't that cold, it did seem to help warm the air a little while breathing through my mouth. The biggest problem was fogging up my glasses. Need to try some anti fog spray.
Michelle 

First off, I am physically at a disadvantage due to a hormone imbalance during puberty. That means I am more feminine than masculine when it comes to strength. So in a archery competition, I do not have the strength to draw the bow string like a man would have. Depending on how much they might want to push it, I would not be allowed in the women's competition. Too many variables, such as bow length, draw weight, arrow weight.

Next look is the horse shoe pitch. The posts are 40 feet apart, the men's foul line at 37 feet. That's fine, I can do that. My brother-in-laws use brute force in pitching horse shoes, and change the rules. They decide the foul line is 40 feet. 3 feet more distance means I drop 3 feet in front of the stake. Their style means it slides to the stake.
According to the rules, as a senior citizen, I get a 27 foot foul line.

I'm not really interested in any competition for the archery or horse shoes, but it looks like I have to sign up for tournaments just to practice.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on February 09, 2025, 06:01:21 PMI bought a wind up pendulum clock. I had a lot of trouble trying to get it to run, so I gave up and set it on the floor by my exercise bike. Today I decided I would put it on top of the faerie cage, and put a CD under one side to make it look level. The clock has decided to run and it chimes the hour.

Michelle, just having the top of the hour as a chime is unusual. Is it a
 two note (bim-bam) or one note gong?  Most are on the hour and half hour.  Are you mechanically minded ;)  Analog mechanical movement clocks are finicky, but a little knowledge goes a long way with them.  Clocks are very rewarding, helping me deal with stressors and for me are calming at night.

Listen to the tick-tock sound.  The clock will have to be level and the pendulum plumb for it to run.
The tick and the tock must be even on both beats.  Quicker on one side or the other affects the power transfer through the escape pivot.  Sometimes the movement can be adjusted in the case, but usually leveling the case with unobtrusive spacers do the trick.  If the furniture isn't level, you could level the furniture to give the clock what it needs.  In my house, I've long case clocks upstairs and down, they both require shims under the front feet to level them out so the clock will run.  My Vienna regulator wall clock has to have a spacer behind the top, bringing it away from the wall about 1/4 inch.  All three of these clocks are now over 120 years old, yet run charmingly and accurately.  Two of them have been running for 50 years that I know about!  You might have to adjust the pendulum bob up or down slightly to set accuracy.

If the clock hasn't been cleaned (just the pivot holes in the plates) then you may help it out with judicious use of cotton swab and non-residue solvent/cleaner on the spots where the pivot shafts come through the front and back plates.  Nothing and nowhere else.  Doubtlessly, prepared to be amazed the black gunk that comes off. keep cleaning the holes until they are clean.  Then lube Very VERY VERY (purposeful repetition) lightly with sewing machine type light oil, touched to the shaft ends.  It doesn't take much.  A toothpick or plastic pick touched to the cap of the oil container  is plenty.  You'll notice that there are slight bevels where the shafts come through.  Those are oil wells.  If over oiled, gravity will break the surface tension and the oil will run out.  Leaving no oil in the wells.  That will murder the clock.

Apologies for the off topic post.

"Counselor you opened that line of questioning.  Objection over-ruled."

You will hear a steady "tick-tock" rhythm, with equal spacing between each tick and tock. If the rhythm sounds irregular—like "tick-tick... tock-tock" or has uneven gaps—the clock is out of beat, meaning the pendulum is not swinging properly in balance.  the sound is produced by the rhythmic movement of the escapement wheel when the verge strikes it; back and forth.

If someone can tell me how to drag and drop an image, that'd be useful.

When I put the clock on top of the cage, I turned the screw at the bottom of the pendulum a few more turns. It had fallen off on the drive home. I may need to adjust it a bit more to get it to keep correct time.

It is a single note chime, counting out the hour on the hour, and a singe chime on the half hour. It sounds almost like the clock we had when I was growing up. Except for when I adjusted the speed, the clock has been running steady for a few days now.

I think I need to decide when to wind the clock, which should be once a week.
Michelle

To be honest, I watched a few you tube videos about the wind up clocks. I don't think any even mentioned the nut on the bottom of the pendulum.
After buying the clock, the nut came completely off on the trip home. Setting the clock aside for awhile, allowed me to subconsciously work on the problem. Setting the clock on top the cage, I turned the nut more thinking it now looked close to where it was when I bought the clock.

Sometimes we learn from experience. When I was younger, somebody had forgotten to wind the clock. After winding the clock, I just pushed the hour hand to the proper hour. The clock then was out of sync and would chime the wrong hour. It was just a matter of pushing the hour hand back to the proper hour and using the minute hand to properly set the time.

As for having mechanically knowledge, it may have been more of an opportunity, than natural knowledge. Starting with my dad and his partner going into the business of repairing cars. By my age of 4 the partner was no longer a partner. My dad had also worked as a mechanic for Green Giant. Having the workshop on the farm, and helping my dad work on the tractors, I got experience helping rebuild a tractor engine.

It became, I have the tools and I have the knowledge. Why not do my own mechanical work? I couldn't work at a garage as I did not have the formal training.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on February 12, 2025, 01:50:11 PMIt became, I have the tools and I have the knowledge. Why not do my own mechanical work? I couldn't work at a garage as I did not have the formal training.

At a job interview, I asked the interviewer, "Do you want someone with a degree or someone who can do the work? One does not imply the other."

I got the job.

It was my understanding that steroids are used in the inhaler for asthma. After a lifetime of negative talk about steroids, and how dangerous they are, I question if I really want to use steroids.

I do a little research and this is what I find:
Did you know? The steroids used in steroid tablets to treat asthma are called corticosteroids. These are a copy of steroids the body produces naturally, to deal with injury or inflammation. They are not the same as the steroids bodybuilders use.

You mean, the steroids for asthma are not going to counteract with the estrogen? Sure, I can make the claim that I am drug free, but leaning over the bathroom sink might cause a lot of back pain. I just took some Acetaminophen, and I think growing up that was classified as an evil drug, courtesy of the anti-drug teacher in school.
I think there was also some idea that if you ate a well balanced meal, you would not need extra vitamins or minerals. Thinking about this, I seem to remember a teacher stating that there is a candy bar in his desk because there is a diabetic student in the class.

I don't know if I'm not hearing things right, I seem to be hearing how dangerous hormones are, probably from someone that considers themselves to know about this stuff by going through it. And now they are going to gate keep, telling everyone else that they don't qualify.

Regardless, without the proper medicine, I may find myself stopping to catch my breath on my walks, because I am not walking slow enough. It was interesting that a couple layers of cloth in the mask was enough to help warm the air when breathing through my mouth, but then it could be air leaks causing the air to be warmed by passing by my chin or my nose.
Michelle

I got a new pair of roller skates in the mail today. They are Euro size 44 or U.S. men's size 10. I tried them on and they are snug. Not painful, just a good hug. A thinner sock may be just the proper fit. They still need to be properly set up before I skate, but sitting at the computer without laces, they felt very good.

I had a pair of skates with black boots in the storage trailer. Rather than dig them out, I decided to order different skates. This was back in 2023, and I ordered a pair of women's size 12 rink skates from eBay. I was a bit excited to get out and skate, that I missed the obvious mistake that I made. It was actually my second time out that I fell and broke both wrists.

It was about a month ago that I was looking at the 12 on the roller skates, and I realized they don't make a woman's size skate, they make unisex skates. It was actually a man's size 12 skate, 2 sizes too big for me. And the wheels were spaced the wrong distance for me, resulting in being unable to control the skates.

The other item in the mail was a skateboarding helmet. I already had a child sized bicycle helmet and it looks like the only difference is the vent holes. I haven't really been on any skates since I broke both wrists, so this might get a bit scary when I do decide to skate again. I may want full protection, but on the other hand, it may be unlikely that I would brake a wrist again.
Michelle

Have you thought about hip pads? It is good to protect your head, knees, wrists, and elbows, but a broken pelvis can sideline you for much longer. I loved watching Roller Derby on TV and was amazed at the protection that they wore. Each person was a tank rolling along, and a group of them with their arms locked were an unbreakable fortress.

On some other website, with discussion on roller skating safety equipment, it was suggested padded ice hockey shorts.
At my age, I guess there is a concern about loss of bone density, but going on walks should mean there is no problem. I think about it, wondering if density had anything to do with breaking both wrists, but there seems to have been enough density to screw the wrist plates to the bones. After breaking my wrists, I decided to start drinking milk again, then I realized I had been getting my milk in the pudding I was making and eating.

Last fall I stopped riding the exercise bike when my leg started aching. I'm back to riding, but not to the extent that I was. I'm now wondering if I had shoes that were too big. On the stationary bike, cleats on the shoes that lock onto the pedals is no problem. I would not want them on a street bicycle, as I have a lot of trouble getting them unlocked.
Michelle

@Michelle_K
Dear Michelle:
Definitely safety equipment... padded shorts, helmets, etc... 

Cleats on the shoes that lock onto the pedals is a real problem on a street bike or mountain bike... 
...if you have to dump the bike quickly you don't want your feet locked on the pedals.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Michelle_K on February 16, 2025, 12:46:47 PMOn some other website, with discussion on roller skating safety equipment, it was suggested padded ice hockey shorts.
At my age, I guess there is a concern about loss of bone density, but going on walks should mean there is no problem. I think about it, wondering if density had anything to do with breaking both wrists, but there seems to have been enough density to screw the wrist plates to the bones. After breaking my wrists, I decided to start drinking milk again, then I realized I had been getting my milk in the pudding I was making and eating.

Last fall I stopped riding the exercise bike when my leg started aching. I'm back to riding, but not to the extent that I was. I'm now wondering if I had shoes that were too big. On the stationary bike, cleats on the shoes that lock onto the pedals is no problem. I would not want them on a street bicycle, as I have a lot of trouble getting them unlocked.
Michelle

I decided to look up skate parks. I found one 15 miles away, open rain or shine or snow. Unsupervised, skate at your own risk. Since it is unsupervised, naturally it is open everyday.

I found another one that is 50 miles away in Buffalo, MN. I thought it quite odd that it was across the street from the nursing home.

There is a roller rink 84 miles away that sells skates and accessories, plus requests buying a ticket online. 50 miles away is one that seems to have skating, arcade, and inflatable bounce, and pizza. No online ticket sales, so it should not be crowded.

Still need to order more safety equipment, then I can head to a skating rink. Ya, but, if I get my safety equipment then I won't have any excuse not to roller skate.
Michelle

Afraid of the roller skates is not the problem. It is the slightest bit of snow in the air and I change my shopping plans. Working the night shift for 30 years, and driving home after midnight during the winter. One night I did not make it home, even with the 4-wheel drive I got stuck in the middle of the road. Thankfully someone came along and pulled me out. Later after it was plowed out, the snow was higher than my truck.

Driving at night with blowing snow, it was difficult to see where the road was, especially on the gravel roads. Kind of guessing somewhere between the electric poles.

Then there is when meeting a car at night, the glare is blinding. I don't really know what it would be like now that my cataracts are gone. Although that one evening it was foggy and the blue headlights seemed to light up the fog. I might have to get anti-glare glasses just for night driving.

In case you haven't guessed it yet, if I drive to the roller rink, I will end up driving home after dark. The last time driving home from St Cloud, I was trying a different route and missed my turn by being in the wrong lane.

Looking at the directions for my last appointment, I realized I was on the wrong freeway after the split. I was still able to get to my appointment on time.
Michelle

It has been cold the past couple of days. The temperature inside the house has dropped down to 63 F. Hopefully it will now warm up. The past couple days I put my sleeping bag on my bed, at least there are no drafts. I need to get some groceries. I'm out of milk and eggs.

Went to start my car, it was still -1F. It cranked a couple of times and quit. I noticed lately it had been getting sluggish. Dug out the jumper cables, and grabbed the battery from in the house. No go, can't get a good electrical connection. I don't remember when the cables were last used. I think I need some new clamps.

At the moment, the charger is on the battery. This charger does not have a gauge, so I can't tell how much charge is going into the battery. When I get it started, I should drive straight to an auto parts store and get a new battery.
Michelle

@Michelle_K
Dear Michelle:
Yes indeed, please take my "alaskan-girl" advice... if the battery is more than 5 or 6 years old, and it starts
to become a little sluggish when starting your car in below freezing temperatures, it is wise to get a new
battery before you have more troubles.  .... the same thing goes for very warm temperatures with the extra
electrical load of Air Conditioning and high Fan speeds which also can tax an older battery.

Also, you may consider buying new Jumper Cables and perhaps a better Battery Charger.
Here in Alaska, it is dangerous to not be prepared in the extremely cold temperatures.

In my bitter cold temperatures that can get way down to minus -30 to -40 (f) we "plug in"
the car with a Block Heater and a heated Battery Wrap... and with a good battery - problems solved.

HUGS, Danielle

I think things got messed up. My appointment with the therapist got charged to medicare instead of the VA.
I think I now have another gender dysphoria diagnosis. It appears that the therapy session was not approved by the VA.

I'm thinking I would be better off going to the local clinic. I already have a provider there. I have heard there are some places dropping coverage in anticipation of orders.
Michelle

For some reason, I have been made aware that if I come up behind a girl walking on a sidewalk, she will suffer great distress because I am a man. For her benefit I should cross the street and walk on the other side to alleviate any discomfort of me being so close. I wonder now if it is only some projection that I have put onto other people, because of what had been done to me. Certainly, it had nothing to do with the fact that some dog bit me in the rear when I returned home one day. It was so hilarious that everybody but me laughed at the time. Or my mother coming up behind me and yanking my hair to make me sit up straight. Then too are the times she came up behind me and slapped my face. Disciplined for staring at what, for looking across the table at my sister.
 Walking back home today, there was a couple at the post office. By the time I got to the corner, they were a couple feet behind me. I turned and saw them, thankfully they went straight as I turned the corner.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on February 12, 2025, 12:54:32 AMWhen I put the clock on top of the cage, I turned the screw at the bottom of the pendulum a few more turns. It had fallen off on the drive home. I may need to adjust it a bit more to get it to keep correct time.

It is a single note chime, counting out the hour on the hour, and a singe chime on the half hour. It sounds almost like the clock we had when I was growing up. Except for when I adjusted the speed, the clock has been running steady for a few days now.

I think I need to decide when to wind the clock, which should be once a week.
Michelle

I wind my four on Sundays.  As a ritual, it is rewarding.

There are a lot of blanks in my childhood. I have been doing some thinking about the roller skates that I had won. I don't remember winning them, and I don't remember skating with them. My mother might have decided they were too dangerous and they got put in my dad's workshop. At any rate, it may be that it was only a few hours that I wore those skates. Then later, much later, as an adult I cleared the aisle in the barn to skate. And it wasn't long and there was no longer any space to skate. The number of times we went to a roller rink could be counted on one hand, so I am guessing that in total it would be less than 50 hours that I have actually roller skated. After all that figuring, it looks like I am a beginner skater.
The ice skates don't count as I would get foot pain if I tried to ice skate.
Michelle

It seems that no matter how many times I write it, it just does not click. My aunts were over one time and a comment was made about longer hair on top of my head. My mother responded it was to be grabbed for discipline. The looks she got at that remark, caused her to quickly say just kidding. In order for my hair to be yanked to make me sit up straight would mean that it was long enough to be grabbed and yanked. You could say my hair was longer than most boys my age.

I mentioned that at the age of 2, a sister was born that lived for about 24 hours. I have used her name at one point. I wonder how much of a step it is from Myra to Michelle? Is little Mike short for Myra or Michelle?

A bit of confusion here, it seems to be an idea that even at the age of three, my mother is dressing me in skirts. The idea may be that I am treated as a girl therefore I am a girl. At the very least is the cross dressing aspect. There is an old article and it would fit, as my mother was the dominant parent. Another point was that my dad was off working, so was not around as much as my mother.
Another was the dangerous behavior of boys being restricted. Such as tree climbing, roller skating, sports, etc.
I ask if there was something that I did not know, or something that my mother knew. To be raised as a girl, and then get physical characteristics of a girl. So I end up being a boy that looks like a girl.
Or I should say, a man that looks like a woman. Apparently, my body is converting testosterone to estrogen, resulting in low testosterone, and growing breasts.
Michelle 

I was watching a video and the subject of teens getting double mastectomies came up. There was no mention of how many were cis gendered boys that had gynecomastia. And on that theme, I sure that the growth of breasts on a cis gendered boy would cause a lot of gender dysphoria for that boy. Possibly the boy would get a prescription for testosterone to correct the hormone imbalance that caused the breasts to grow.
There you have it, a male child getting a double mastectomy, and a prescription for testosterone. And the transphobic don't mention the fact that it is a male child.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on February 26, 2025, 10:12:33 AMI was watching a video and the subject of teens getting double mastectomies came up. There was no mention of how many were cis gendered boys that had gynecomastia. And on that theme, I sure that the growth of breasts on a cis gendered boy would cause a lot of gender dysphoria for that boy.

Yeah, it was a really dark time for me shortly after puberty, a period of confusion, embarrassment, and mixed emotions.

QuotePossibly the boy would get a prescription for testosterone to correct the hormone imbalance that caused the breasts to grow.

Exactly this! My father thought it was an excellent idea and instructed my mother to change my diet, blaming her for my breast growth due to the food she was feeding me. I don't know what my parents reaction will be when I go to visit them later this year and tell about my transition. I think my mom will be okay, but not to sure about my father.

QuoteThere you have it, a male child getting a double mastectomy, and a prescription for testosterone. And the transphobic don't mention the fact that it is a male child.

No, that biology is flawed they say.

Testosterone is not the treatment for gynecomastia. Since the cause is estrogen, the treatment is estrogen blockers. Adding testosterone would only complicate the issue since testosterone can be converted to estrogen.

Usually, gynecomastia resolves itself with estrogen blockers. Only if that fails is surgery a recommendation.


Gynecomastia often goes away over time without treatment. But if gynecomastia is caused by a medical condition, that condition may need treatment.

If you take medicine that may be the cause of gynecomastia, ask your health care team about your choices. Your doctor may have you stop the medicine or try a different one.

Often, no treatment is needed for teenagers who have gynecomastia due to natural hormone changes during puberty. A teen's health care team may recommend checkups every 3 to 6 months to see if the condition is getting better on its own. Gynecomastia in teens often goes away without treatment in less than two years.

Treatment may be needed if gynecomastia doesn't get better on its own. Treatment also can help if the condition causes pain, tenderness or embarrassment.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/gynecomastia/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20351799

I think it still applies. Not saying that of the teens receiving estrogen blockers, this many are boys.
I think I was looking at a 50 year old magazine.

I think I had also saw the post and reacted badly. The case when I was growing up, I was always in the wrong so I was not asked. I was thinking of having a temper tantrum, but it would not do any good if there were no witnesses. If there are no witnesses then it is not a temper tantrum, it is a autistic melt down.

I think it was back in the 1990s that I wanted to have some testing done, to help explain why I became feminized. The medical doctor told me to save my money because it never happens. Was I to believe the doctor, males don't grow breasts, that the whole thing is a delusion on my part.

I am thinking maybe I should have gotten a mammogram, then the endocrinologist would have seen the results of the mammogram, and realized I already have estrogen in my body. Maybe that was my mistake, thinking that my hormones levels should be checked first. Rather than the doctor assuming I am a normal male and I need testosterone blockers and estrogen. I tried to tell her that I suspected that I had Klinefelter syndrome, and was told that I did not have it because my medical records did not say I did.

At the same time (back in the 1990s) I was seeing a therapist and one day another person was there, and she told me that I was not transsexual and that I enjoyed being a male. I think I kept getting passed from one therapist to another.
Michelle

The other day while walking to the post office, I was thinking that just walking slower, I would avoid having to stop to catch my breath. With that thought, I was wondering if I would even get ten feet on the roller skates.
I think I have the issue with my tongue sorted out. I just figured that pushing my tongue forward between my teeth should open up the airway so I can breath through my nose better. On my walk to the Dollar General Store I realized I was breathing through my nose the whole way. Then I realized I now automatically push my tongue between my teeth.
I still cough stuff up, and I now realize that is why I had a tin can in my car 30 years ago. It just seemed so normal back then. But since it was my whole lifetime, I did not know that it was not normal.

A long time ago I heard one girl calling another girl a pirate's treasure.  It was revealed that a pirate's treasure is a sunken chest. Pectus, as in chest muscles, and excavatum as in hole. I guess that deformity also affects my air volume.

I finally have an appointment just to deal with the asthma. I'll work on the other stuff later.
Michelle

What an odd thought. Did I actually tell my mother that I wanted to be a girl? and her response was "No, you Don't. You just think you want to be a girl."
What brought that on I wonder? Was I treated as a girl until a second sister was born(this one did not die.) And then suddenly it is, "you're supposed to be a boy so act like it."
Michelle

Checking an eBay shipment, tracking showed it was at the post office. When I checked my email it showed the package was delivered. Going back and checking again, the tracking now showed it was in one of the lock boxes at the post office. I walked to the post office and the key to the lock box was in my post office box.
I now have knee pads, elbow pads, and wrist guards. Hopefully they are all the proper size. I already had a skateboard helmet in pink, but I am tempted to get on with leopard print. The other Item I have had for over a year, and that is padded bicycle shorts.

First some videos on how to wear the safety equipment. Somebody, maybe some other forum, suggested Kung-Fu lessons to learn how to fall. Strange that I have to learn the proper way to fall. Plus I need to do balancing exercises, standing on one leg, and tip toe walking.

Probably wouldn't need to do tip toe walking if I wore high heel shoes.

(https://scontent-ord5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/470167751_430596763452259_4419735730276015444_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=127cfc&_nc_ohc=mEIsqC3TNusQ7kNvgHD-wU-&_nc_oc=AdjbjHRQpVQv7CdwDPLnHlEl6p89kYlmrWBlWhTjDuTUBEjjzbtvcu3IyNwNnMHIv9Te58KZFHVLzKAsXDsdZZFC&_nc_zt=23&_nc_ht=scontent-ord5-2.xx&_nc_gid=A2UcSgLXNQRoS5xXPo42P1B&oh=00_AYC83Y2TrW5IkQwBoE34I9vJd-qjL2moE8Ynh2gfLtYDlw&oe=67C96EF0)

Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on March 01, 2025, 06:22:45 PMProbably wouldn't need to do tip toe walking if I wore high heel shoes.

(https://scontent-ord5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/470167751_430596763452259_4419735730276015444_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=127cfc&_nc_ohc=mEIsqC3TNusQ7kNvgHD-wU-&_nc_oc=AdjbjHRQpVQv7CdwDPLnHlEl6p89kYlmrWBlWhTjDuTUBEjjzbtvcu3IyNwNnMHIv9Te58KZFHVLzKAsXDsdZZFC&_nc_zt=23&_nc_ht=scontent-ord5-2.xx&_nc_gid=A2UcSgLXNQRoS5xXPo42P1B&oh=00_AYC83Y2TrW5IkQwBoE34I9vJd-qjL2moE8Ynh2gfLtYDlw&oe=67C96EF0)

Congrats for the protective gear!

And, those boots are stunning! 😍

Thinking that the idea, "never admit you're wrong, it is a sign of weakness" may have come from my narcissist father. 
Another thing was the narcissist need to brag about something. The preteen child wins a pair of clamp on roller skates in a raffle. The roller skates disappear, but since nobody took them, she never had the skates. While her dad has friends over, she wanders into the man cave, where her dad is explaining to the buddies how, as a child, he won the skates in a raffle and skated up and down the sidewalk in front of his house. After he dies, her brother wants his dad's skates as a memento.  The truth was that the dad never had skates as a child. The skates and the memories were stolen from the child.

Sorry, I felt the need to disconnect.
Michelle

The idea was back in 2023, I would repair my gothic witch costume, and I would wear it to the post office for Halloween. These high heeled lace up boots were bought special to be worn with the gothic witch costume. I had set that goal to be my first time walking through town wearing a dress.
Unfortunately, I had broken both wrists in July and was unable to repair my dress. I considered breaking my wrists as a kick in the rear to get me motivated, and by August, I had worn a skirt to a corn carnival. I had that leather skirt for over 20 years, and this was the first time that I wore it outside the house. I even wore it on one of my walks to the post office prior to Halloween, so my goal had been considered met.

The shoes had been set aside until now, and I am finally wearing them. So far I have only gone to the kitchen and back, but it is not my first time wearing high heels. I have an older pair that I bought over 20 years ago from Fredrick's of Hollywood. They have the stiletto heels. I wore the gothic witch costume about 20 years ago to a Halloween party upstairs in our barn. 

(https://scontent-ord5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/469858020_430029656842303_7872054861903351599_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=cc71e4&_nc_ohc=sPqtYX1WhNMQ7kNvgGMTlYa&_nc_oc=AdgllAyfm2g3lrDrIAuJaJgmQ32J_-CtWtjlMzhWVAT6KwdNkPxPitNS6_t2_sIi-yriWhqO_6xWCnK8AZE8hDNz&_nc_zt=23&_nc_ht=scontent-ord5-2.xx&_nc_gid=AZ5WOY9sKPeb4jPgVMShMVj&oh=00_AYAVhvlKkOiPCZFB14ocnFNWGNyV3avfskuFaCM_3qpx8Q&oe=67CB2DF9)

Michelle

I'm not the narcissist, I'm the scapegoat. I'm also autistic. I am very confused, If I was born a boy then why do I look like a girl? And being autistic, I was a slow developer, meaning delayed development. For some reason my mother chose to put girl clothes on me. There could be all kinds of reasons. One being to punish a boy, make him wear dresses. And one thing the boy can't do is avoid being punished for being born a boy. Since I was the first born, I wonder where the dresses come from. Were they hand-me-downs from a girl cousin? If so, why would they be given to my mother to put on me? Did my aunts actually think I was a girl?

I think there was a scene in the movie "Robots" where he had to wear the hand-me-down top from a girl cousin.
Michelle

I'm learning about narcissism and the scapegoat. Something that really does not make any sense if you really look at it. Such as after driving 200 miles the lug nuts on one wheel decide to loosen up. Of course it is my fault for not making sure they were tight before we started our trip. We manage to temporally repair the problem and then get to town where we can get the lug bolts and do the repairs in the parking lot.

Being the scapegoat, I develop what is called imposter syndrome. It is the result of constantly being told that I do not deserve to be loved, I do not deserve to sleep under the same roof as my sisters, I do not deserve whatever.

As a narcissist he can not admit that someone saved his life. That would mean that person owned him, he owed his life to him. On the other hand he had no trouble reminding me that I owed him my live, because of him I had been born. I think I am finally putting it proper. I was intentionally kept home, so that I would not get perfect school attendance. Intentionally kept home from church, so I did not get the proper attendance while attending the Lutheran school.

I'm sure I can now say the deal with the fence around the corn crib was intentional to prevent me from getting the recognition and trophy from the seed corn company.

The imposter syndrome is from the way I was treated and has nothing to do with me being transgender. The effects of the imposter syndrome is the same no matter whether I enter the men's or the women's rest room.
Michelle

I can say I went no contact with my dad when he died back in 1979

I decided that since I have them, I might as well wear them. It was a bit difficult getting the photo. This is the third day wearing them, and I am balancing a lot better. The way they are made, there is no ankle movement.

(https://scontent-ord5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/481356853_488242191021049_550948743278098460_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=127cfc&_nc_ohc=_xHWW4w41EIQ7kNvgGcLgvN&_nc_oc=Adg0XuU0TU4rbZfEVQI0EGuBcAOMA2itM7F1HOiLgZcMeEiwlBM-kf4oMgKmQEfO9ElMVCfrDXzYRamVfLgTiBwe&_nc_zt=23&_nc_ht=scontent-ord5-2.xx&_nc_gid=A01Po4jv3MpFAHaicI_IcJz&oh=00_AYAnsiuBFs8s9ovYbacSFMPH6HTSh32ShJ410-GY4XlA6w&oe=67CD8CC6)

Michelle

That was interesting, my legs were very itchy. When I investigated the itchiness, I discovered it was right where the silicone band on the stay up thigh high socks was. At the moment I have the top folded over so the silicone is not against my skin. It also explains the chest irritation, as somehow my silicone bra inserts ended up with holes where they go against my skin. I covered the holes with electrical tape.

The bottom line is it appears that I may have a silicone allergy, and it is causing some lung problems. If this is the case it means that I might not be able to have any silicone breast implants.

Just checked and it looks like medicare considers it to be cosmetic and therefore is not covered. I wonder if I could get a prescription for breast prosthetics.
Michelle

A long time ago I was at my grandma's house. We were silently playing, and suddenly my sister says "Don't say that stuff." My grandma just happened to be looking out the window, and heard my sister. I got called into the house, and I got my mouth washed out with soap. I was not to use that kind of language, or I would get my mouth washed out again. Being a christian woman she can't tell me what the words are, but make no mistake, if she hears me say those words, the bar of soap is ready.

Well, I have somewhat of an idea the words pertain to human body parts. I got totally messed up, To make sure I did not say any of the bad words, all words that identified human body parts were banned from my vocabulary.
Both of my parents would use the bad language all the time. So I got no clue which words were bad. And It would appear that I was the only one not allowed to say those words. I have since gotten better, and I am able to state if the connector on the hydraulic hose is gendered male or female. I still have some trouble with the rubber thing on top of a baby bottle. Part of it may be not knowing what may be censored. Now that I think about it, in the early years of the internet, America Online censored a lot of words. Because of the censorship, one group had to be called boob cancer survivors.

Right, it was censorship at home, if I used the censored words then I got punished.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on March 05, 2025, 09:46:36 PMRight, it was censorship at home, if I used the censored words then I got punished.

My father use to tell us how lucky we were he didn't use the bar of soap like his parents. Scary days for sure!

Fortunately, we just get a <bleeped> on this board and in other places in the internet, and not a bar of soap in our mouths. 😂

Quote from: Michelle_K on March 04, 2025, 08:50:54 PMI decided that since I have them, I might as well wear them. It was a bit difficult getting the photo. This is the third day wearing them, and I am balancing a lot better. The way they are made, there is no ankle movement.

(https://scontent-ord5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/481356853_488242191021049_550948743278098460_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=127cfc&_nc_ohc=_xHWW4w41EIQ7kNvgGcLgvN&_nc_oc=Adg0XuU0TU4rbZfEVQI0EGuBcAOMA2itM7F1HOiLgZcMeEiwlBM-kf4oMgKmQEfO9ElMVCfrDXzYRamVfLgTiBwe&_nc_zt=23&_nc_ht=scontent-ord5-2.xx&_nc_gid=A01Po4jv3MpFAHaicI_IcJz&oh=00_AYAnsiuBFs8s9ovYbacSFMPH6HTSh32ShJ410-GY4XlA6w&oe=67CD8CC6)

Michelle

Nice shot! They look great on you. 👌

Sorry, about the itching, maybe a dermatologist can help to suggest something that can help get rid of it.

I've been watching videos about narcissists, and I know now that my dad was one. In telling this stuff to the therapist, the connection was missed. His actions were not the typical actions of a narcissist.

Trying to figure out how to put it. He was not the type to demand money, in fact I had an allowance for a while. But then steal coins out of a jewelry box to put in his coin collection.
I think I had once said it, or at least thought it, he had such low self esteem that he had to tear others down to build himself up. That meant Someone had to be the butt of the joke, that joke being that I should dress as a woman just like the guy in the movie.I think the guy's name was Tom Peeping.
Other were slurs on the names, Gladys became happy butt, Louie became ...

Of course, I had no right to complain because others were worse off than me. My dad told me that my cousin would work and since he was a minor, his dad took all his money. That reminds me, I never got paid for the work I did for the other farmers, either I worked for free or my dad pocketed the money. I would totally forget to ask about pay.

Then there are the bragging rights, where my dad tells his buddies that he won my roller skates. His buddies have told me that they had never met a more honest person. That branding iron with his initials that he found on a hunting trip out west, he found it at a blacksmith shop after the blacksmith made it for him.
Michelle

On the thigh high stocking package it states that it has a silicone gripper strip. Doing research I found there are different grades of silicone. On the breast form, even though the outer plastic was torn, the contact did not turn my skin red or itch like the band on my socks did.

I am going to do some experiments, I already wore the socks inside out so the silicone band was not against my skin. Now I am going to have moisturizing cream on one leg and see what the contact of the silicone band does. Actually it is a different brand so I don't know if this brand irritates my skin.
Michelle

My annual lung cancer screening is coming due soon. Since it was done by the local hospital last year, that is the only previous screening available. The screening also showed some kidney damage, but my provider said that since it was on the outside of the kidney it could be ignored.
If I have the scan done at the local hospital again, then they can compare the scans and see any changes. But will the VA have access to the scans.
If I have the scan done at the VA then that provider can see the lung damage, and then I can get my diagnosis of asthma, or at this stage COPD. I would like to have some other test done, as it seems everything got worse during 2019.

One other thought had occurred to me, that being to get a scan done at both locations, sort of like a second opinion.
Michelle

The website for the Breyer horses states that they are 1/9 scale. That is a ways from the 1/6 scale of the Barbies.

I have a horse drawn log sled close to the Breyer scale. It had been moved around a lot and screws have come loose, nuts had been lost, pretty much it has fallen apart. I have decided to rebuild it. According to the tracking, the 2 mm bolts and nuts are now waiting for me at the post office.
A long time ago I cut some 1/6 scale 2x4s and other sizes on my table saw, so I should be able to find the proper sized wood parts, if I can remember where I put them.

Once the 1/9 scale sled is repaired, then I can measure the parts and convert the measurements to 1/6 scale and build a Barbie size sled. I can do the same thing with the covered wagon I have.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on March 07, 2025, 12:15:34 PMOne other thought had occurred to me, that being to get a scan done at both locations, sort of like a second opinion.

You can request for the hospital to send their report and images (old and new) to the VA. If you have it done at the VA, they won't have the old report unless you have the hospital send it. You might need to go to the hospital and ask for a copy. I would ask for the report and images. I did that for past mammograms, and they copied everything onto a CD.

My dad enjoyed building scale models in his wood shop. He mostly made dollhouse furniture but also furniture that was closer to 1/4 scale. He made a rocking cradle the perfect size for a medium-size Teddy Bear. My mom made clothes (pajamas) for the bears and put them in the cradles. They were a hot seller at the craft shows.

Thinking about some of this, I was wondering where my covered wagon was, then realized I had something upstairs. The covered wagon is in the storage unit, that is the one with a light inside. Upstairs is a plain wagon, that could be converted to a covered wagon. Again, they are the smaller scale.

I have watched a you tube channel where the person repairs the old wagons. He has even done a sled for hauling hay. He even made replica borax wagons for the museum and to go on tour. I can't think of his name at the moment.
I found a website the sold plans for making the scale model wagons, but I thought the cost for the plans was way too high.

I don't know how many hours it has been, but I'm starting to get a bit of itchiness from the thigh garter on one leg. It may be that the silicon band on the garter causes a little moisture and then the moisturizing lotion is causing a reaction, or the lotion my be reacting with the silicone band.
Michelle

I went to my storage unit and brought back my covered wagon. I think it is in the 1/10 scale range. The dimensions of the box aren't quite right, but it is very detailed. It has a trunk on one side with thin strips of copper. It even has a working brake. It has copper strips around the wheels.
It is missing the cover, but that should be easy to replace. It looks like it wasn't finished, the pull chain for the light is not extended to outside the wagon.

I replaced as many of the missing mini bolts and nuts on the sled as I could. It looks like I will need to replace a few wooden parts, but that is a minor detail. I had a couple of horses that I had bought at a novelty store, and it looks like I might need to replace the hitch parts (called single trees) with ones the proper size for the horses. For now it will be put on display, and if any of the missing pieces show up, they will be put with the sled.

The other wagon is not as detailed, but it is more to the proper dimensions. Just need to repair a few broken parts.
Michelle

I found a forum for narcissists. Or maybe I should say survivors of narcissist parents. It would have been nice if way back in the 1980s, when I showed the therapist the photos of me as a baby in dresses, he could have told me the truth. The photos were never discussed. I'm sure that I was in this series of therapy with an identity crisis. And when I said I felt like I was sexually changed, It was dismissed with the words "it never happens." There was no discussion.
It may be that the therapist was not trained to deal with narcissistic abuse. Nor had any experience for transgender or even a gay patient. Like I said someplace, he just seemed to want me to show up so that he would get paid, and had sessions twice a week. Even though I was in and out of therapy, the real problem was not taken care of.

Both parents are narcissists. One is aggressive, the other is passive towards her. A lot of speculation on my part. My dad is more like a child, so my mother already has a boy child that she is trying to train properly. My mother is hoping for a girl, but she ends up with me. The dresses are actually punishment for me being a boy, and years later when she discovers I like being a girl, the punishment changes to forcing me to act like a boy.
She wants to be the center of attention, meaning I should not be looking at my sisters. Later, bad mouthing any other girl that I might know, there is no woman good enough for me other than her.

Like I said my identity confusion was not satisfactory dealt with so I am literally standing in my own way of getting my hormones.
Michelle

Edit: My mother is hoping for a girl,

I just got done walking to Casey's General Store and back, to get my Sunday paper.

I did a copy - paste and sent the previous post to the mental social worker through HealtheVet. I have other stuff saved in text files that I could send. The online therapist got to a point where the wasn't much help. The therapist would say he was sorry for not responding sooner, and then say thank you for sharing.

Not quite a year ago, at my first VA appointment, they did blood tests. They also did height, weight, blood pressure, etc. No physical exam other than listen to my heart and lungs. list the drugs I'm taking, none are prescription. Check the papers I have, and it was, see you next year. No appointment for any of my concerns.

A few weeks later I thought maybe the mental health was a walk in, and I ended up returning to the main building and getting an appointment with the social worker. Working with the social worker, I finally got into the gender program.

They get my an appointment with an endocrinologist, and after waiting almost three months, with a week before my appointment, I get informed that that place no longer provides that service.
 Next is Centracare, they already have my records, connected with the hospital that put the plates in my wrists. Centracare allows my to choose, and my local provider is on the list. A week before my appointment I am contacted by the VA, she is not an approved endocrinologist, and my appointment is canceled.
Then I get some more choices, wait and wait. The endocrinologist wants me to undergo some mental therapy. When the appointment was set up, apparently the session was not approved, and medicare paid part, and I paid the rest. I have not heard anything since.
Michelle

Doesn't the VA have an endocrinologist on staff for you to see? If not, you can see a gynecologist in the Women's Health Clinic at the VA. Endocrinologists deal with hormones, but mostly things like thyroid and diabetes. A gynecologist deals with hormones, but more specifically, hormones for women's health, like estradiol and progesterone.

If you can't get in to see an endocrinologist, have them set you up with a gynecologist. It might be easier to get an appointment, and they will be more in tune with what you need.

I have had two endocrinologists through the VA. They were good, but we had many arguments about what I needed vs what their protocols would allow. Then they switched me to a VA gynecologist, and I couldn't be happier. She understands what I want and helps me achieve that.

I would see if you can get an appointment with a gynecologist in the Women's Health Specialty Clinic.

Agree whole heartedly.  Lori Dee, your experience agrees with mine.  As soon as my VA primary care knew from me that I am trans, I was assigned to the VA Women's clinic.  A world of difference it makes.

Kind of a mix up. I had asked for a testosterone test at my first appointment at the VA. My provider was new at the VA. She determined that The test could not be done due to the travel time, that I could not get to any of the VA clinics within 1 hour of waking up.

I go into my appointment for the first time (about a year ago), I am wearing female clothes, look and act feminine, and the doctor does not know that I have never been on estrogen. The only medical records are the tests taken that day.
And just like the doctor 20 years ago, does not ask the reason for the testosterone test. I did a walk in at the local hospital, no referral necessary. Strange thing was that the level was the same as before.

I just looked her up, she is an advanced practical nurse, authorized to prescribe medication.

Tomorrow I have an appointment for asthma problems, I'm thinking I should send a message through HealtheVet that I have a sunken chest. That way it gets into my records.

I have lived practically my whole life with an abusive mother, with the fear she might become physically violent like she did when I was a child. Now I am expected to talk to a female health provider about male problems. How do I tell her that the negative effects of estrogen will not cause any problems with me, since I have lived with the effect of low testosterone my entire life.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on March 10, 2025, 02:16:43 PMTomorrow I have an appointment for asthma problems, I'm thinking I should send a message through HealtheVet that I have a sunken chest. That way it gets into my records.

If you have an appointment, there is no need to send a message through MyHealtheVet. That does not guarantee the nurse who reads the message will enter it into your records. Since you have an appointment, talk to your provider then.

Also, when you log in to MyHealtheVet, there is a place where you can enter Self-Reported Conditions, procedures, and lab results. By entering it there, you guarantee it is in your records.

I had to do that with an allergy test. There is no mention of the test or its results in my records, even though the VA sent me to the ENT Clinic where the test was done. I used the Self-Reported area to document the date of the test, who did the test, and the results.

Sometimes I get odd thoughts. It is difficult to receive the radio station I used to listen to before I moved, so in my car I listened to other stations. One station, the call letters are "KARP", I get reminded of a tv series "WKRP in Cincinnati". I need to figure out how to program the navigator screen to preset the radio stations.

I remember years ago, while some people were at our house, I had some toys out. One was a GI Joe dune buggy with a Barbie in it. I watched a little boy who wanted to play with the dune buggy. He used a stick to try to get the Barbie to jump out. I think about it now, and wonder what was done to him, to make him so afraid to even touch the Barbie doll to remove her from the dune buggy. I'm guessing that as long as the Barbie was in the dune buggy, he couldn't even touch the dune buggy. No picking it up, turn it upside down, and let her fall out.

There was some old magazine, I think it was a Mad magazine. There was a comparison between two different families. In one the young boy could play with a GI Joe, but not Barbies. The other young boy had two barbies that he played with. Both were allowed to sleep with their dolls. Fast forward to them being adults, the boy that had the GI Joe sleeps with a guy. The boy that had the Barbies, sleeps with two women.
Michelle

I watched some videos last night. One video was recording two male police officers harassing a biological female in the women's rest room. Another was that a cashier reported seeing a man enter the women's rest room, and male officers waited for the man to exit. The man was a biological female. The person showing the videos concluded that now all a pervert needs is a badge.

My experience has been the janitor in the men's restroom told me to go use the family restroom.
At a different place, the cashier yelled I was entering the wrong restroom when I was going into the men's restroom.
I used the unisex restroom for a while until some guy followed me in, claiming to be looking for his backpack. I also realized I was outing myself by using the unisex restroom. Who else would be using the unisex restroom, with the men's and women's that close.

I had not thought about it much, I had referred to myself as a bearded lady. I had not considered that was exactly what people were seeing. I even had little girls staring at me.
I know that in Walmart, at the self checkout, the person monitoring is not using a phone. The device in his hand can shut down any of the self checkouts. It happened to me a lot, and with my autism, I can't yell for the attendant. With getting rid of the beard and finally living as a female, the harassment seems to have stopped. It makes me wonder if I had been profiled as a female to male transgender person.

After the incident where the guy followed me into the unisex restroom, I have been using the women's rest room. One time trying to see the restroom sign before I got my cataract surgery, one guy pointed me to the women's restroom.

Sometimes I wonder if my dressing as a female is only because only women's clothes fit me properly. Living as a female and using the women's restroom is for my safety and avoiding any harassment. If I'm not careful I'll start believing it is all only a costume.
To undergo the pain of removing facial hair, painting my nails, and using moisturizing creams, does not sound like just a costume. I pierced my ears over 30 years ago, I must have done it properly, as I felt no physical pain. I did keep them in when I went to work, to face any harassment for piercing my ears. There was no harassment for piercing my ears, in fact other harassment stopped.
Michelle

I got to my appointment. Now I'm waiting for a call to schedule a pulmonary function test.

Why now? Ok, so it has been a few years, but for the first time in my life, I no longer have relatives in my face telling me what I can and can not do. It's a bit difficult, trying to remember some of this stuff. One, you have no right to complain. Two, if you would slow down, not run as much, you would not run out of air. Three, it's not that big of a deal, just live with it.
If I have any aches or pains, that takes attention away from her. And she needs all the sympathy she can get for her pains. How dare I complain about lung pains when she is the one who needs medication.

On how I quit smoking, I really did not know how to explain it. I could not get my cigarette lit. Trying to suck air through the cigarette would set off a coughing fit before the flame got close enough to light my cigarette. How do I explain that, how is it possible for smoke from an unlit cigarette to cause a coughing fit? I think I was trying to explain that the cigarette was not lit.

ADHD, too easily distracted. I never did mention the problems with the pickle juice. I think that was the only brand with that ingredient.
Michelle

I have been watching a lot of videos about narcissism and the scapegoat and the golden child. The narcissist is the one who says to his child, I own you and everything you have. The scapegoat is the one that is blamed for every problem the family has. The golden child is the one that can do no wrong, often put on a pedestal so high that I get a nose bleed just looking at her.

Ideally, when talking to a therapist, the therapist would recognize that I'm talking about a narcissist. Unfortunately it seems even if they know, I have to figure it out for myself.

I know I'm autistic, and when I was about ten years old, my sister played a dirty trick on me. She convinced me to let her tell me a secret. she cupped her hands over my ear, and let out a scream. The pain caused me to swing my head around and her next scream was in my other ear. I suspect that my eardrums were ruptured at that time. From then on, I was hearing impaired. Some time later I said something to my mother about it, and I was told it was just a game. I don't know when it was that my sister suggested I learn sign language, and my dad immediately said I was faking it. Now that I have hearing aids, it is the first time in 60 years that I can decently hear.

Michelle

Michelle,

I for one am glad for you.  Glad that you found a place to talk things out.  Either here or with your therapist.  I suggest that you keep up the soul searching and continue defining your world.  Ultimately you are discovering your own reality.  Nothing else matters.

I said this earlier but it applies, I think.  "I do the things I need to, keeping my sanity.  Collaboration, cooperation with personal identity maintenance means keeping a flair for what I am, what I want to be, what I want the world to see.  My life is too short to worry too much about how other's see me.

In the end we are all individuals, just like every one else.  I avoid places and situations that infringe on others rights, especially where they are too boneheaded to understand tolerant acceptance (and a great dirty raft of those words the U.S. Executive Branch are attempting to cloud or remove from written opinions.)

For me, emotional and physical safety are kingpins of my reality.  i just do it in a skirt or slacks and sweater set.

Couch your experience in a life well lived.  Consider that we are social animals after all is said and don't do well truly alone.  Find your balance in your village.  Try try try not to force yourselves on others.  Your reality is what will matter most."

Richelle

I don't know how many times I said it. When it comes to the roller skates, my sister would not approve.
When I pierced my ears, I knew my sister did not approve. At the time, my mother was around, to keep her in line.

Another pick and choose commandments, lecture me on piercings, and wearing women's clothes. Only women are to wear earrings. That's right, I was wearing clamp on earrings, so there was nothing about me having pierced ears. How many times did my dad tell me to drive her to go see her boyfriend, while he was still married?
It would seem that it was ok for my sister to break the commandment about adultery, but she finds it is not ok for me to break a commandment about wearing women's clothes. Technically, I wear women's clothes because that is what fits me.
His ex-wife, my cousin, lives two blocks from me now. Do you know how I feel, knowing that my sister broke up my cousin's marriage.

My dad gave her the power over me, by stating girls never lie. Then she lies about what I did and grins as I get punished.I needed to get rid of all the other noise, so that I could say and hear the problem.
My sister would not approve of me taking female hormones.
Michelle

One day, Michelle, I hope you come to a point where you realize that your life is not about the opinions of others. Sure, our behaviors are often shaped by the way we were treated in the past. And that can affect us for the rest of our lives. But we can get past it.

The reason I continue in therapy is not for gender dysphoria. It is for PTSD and to understand how being assaulted and permanently injured in the military has affected my behaviors, both past and present. It isn't easy to let go of things. But once we realize that we have the power to overcome the things that affect us, then we can find peace.

I know you had a rough and abusive childhood, and that would affect anyone who experiences what you did. I can only hope that you will eventually get to live your life as yourself and find peace and joy in that life.

Trying to figure out how to not overshare. Too much detail and it begins to sound like a lie.

I need to figure out how much that therapist hurt me 30 years ago. That because I told the truth, I was told that I enjoy being a male. The fact that I spent nights on my bed with a knife ready to cut that thing off meant nothing. Oh, that was because I was falsely accused of rape by my dad, nothing to do with my belief..

She was a therapist, smarter than me, and she told me I was not a Transsexual. How many times do I have to be told that she was wrong?
Michelle

Got me some wood dowels last week, one got chopped up for parts for the log sled and wagon. My paints are about ten years old water based acrylics. Wondering if I should just get new paint. International red and John Deere green. I have a couple more dowels to cut to make hitches for the wagon.

I should get my bandsaw from my storage unit. Unfortunately the blade is broken and misplaced. Should be able to get a new blade from the store I bought it from. Then I can cut the runners for a 1/6 scale log sled, and repair parts for the one I already have. Plus I need to finish up my Barbie sized Lincoln Logs.
Did I mention that I ran the bandsaw for several years at the furniture company?

Went shopping today and finally found the crystal gemstones to replace the missing ones on my shirts. One cat on my pink t shirt was missing an eye. I didn't think of it at the time, I should have gotten green crystals for the eyes.
In Hobby Lobby, I also found ring gauges. Now I can measure every finger and toe and record what size rings they would take.

I had one disappointment. I stopped at Arby's for a sandwich and drink. Instead of using numbers, they ask your name. I took my paper glass and got my drink, found my cover. I heard my name, and grabbed the bag with my sandwich. I got several blocks away when I realized I forgot to grab a straw.
Michelle

I get some weird thoughts. This morning I was wondering how a talk show host without any medical experience becomes an expert on transgender, and can say that medical doctors with collage degrees don't know what they are talking about. They point to the bible as proof of what they are talking about. The same as the bible proves the world is flat.

Could I do the same thing. Eve was taken out of the side of Adam, proving that Adam was a hermaphrodite. Adam, the man, was created male and female, a hermaphrodite.

Last night I was watching some show about nutrition, and the biased tests. If the company manufacturing the margarine does a study to determine the safety of their product, the result will be that the product is very safe.
Michelle

Yesterday's temperature was in the 60s F, today it is about 22 F with fresh snow and blizzard warnings. Good thing I went shopping yesterday.

Thinking about my paints, I have those colors in oil based rattle cans. I can spray the paint into a jar and then brush it onto the wooden dowels. I could then also thin it properly and use it in an air brush.

That was quicker than I thought it would be. What I was looking for was You Tube EnglesCoachShop. Now a quick search on his channel and find the video where he makes the horse drawn sled. He does give enough information that I can figure out the measurements.
Just had a quick chuckle, The wheel tracks on cars are the same, (maybe not anymore) so the car wheels go in the same rut in the road as the previous car. The sled runners would be the same distance and fit into the ruts in the road. The wagon wheels and railroad tracks should be the same distance.
Michelle

I have heard the stories that Roman chariot wheels were spaced due to the horse's backside. The ruts the chariots left in the roads determined the width of wagon wheels and, later, the gauge of railroad tracks. It turns out that none of that is fact.

Here is an interesting article that debunks the myth. Interesting reading.

https://garethdennis.medium.com/the-not-so-glamourous-origins-of-standard-track-gauge-2b5f1ae7e3bc

I might have been thinking about some documentary that did not do the proper research. Not accounting for the narrow gauge railroads. Now that I think about it, I think I did see something about the french rails having to be moved to run US locomotives during WW2. Then there was some differences between countries that required changing cars to continue a trip.

I was thinking I could measure the distance between the wheels on my GI Joe jeep, and use that measurement to space my wagon wheels and the sled runners.
Michelle

If they are both the same scale, it should work. Or at least be dangerously close to the correct measurement.

Finally, after how many years, I've got my bandsaw at the house. The blade was broken and missing. If I could find the blade I could then measure it. So far I have not been able to find that model number on the internet. About I can do is consider the wheel diameter and see if a blade for a newer version will fit.

I ran into another problem. Barbie may be considered to be 1/6 scale. The vehicles may be closer to 1/8 scale resulting in that Barbie can only drive convertibles, due to she needs to look over the top of the windshield.

Even the GI Joe vehicles seem to be 1/8 scale. If I make my horse drawn Bob Sled and wagons 1/6 scale they might look out of place with the 1/8 scale vehicles. The same as a 1/6 scale wagon will not look good behind a 1/8 scale tractor.

Did a quick check. the 7.5 gauge train is 1/6 scale, and the rails are 7.25 inches apart. I remember one time seeing a Barbie in an engine. The price for those train cars are way out of affordability.
MIchelle

I've been having trouble with loading lately, some I expect, depending on the time of day. Maybe evening after school, everybody logs on and the tower get bogged down. Maybe lines are down somewhere, and the signal is detoured around the problem.

Quote from: Michelle_K on March 16, 2025, 05:53:35 PMI've been having trouble with loading lately, some I expect, depending on the time of day. Maybe evening after school, everybody logs on and the tower get bogged down. Maybe lines are down somewhere, and the signal is detoured around the problem.

You are correct that a lot more people are visiting the site lately. We recently set a record of 11,821 guests online at the same time.

I had bought a pork chop, and now finally I have cooked a pork chop. Had to go on You Tube to find out how to cook it. I liked the suggestion of pouring the liquid left in the pan after cooking into a small bowl for dipping, a combination of olive oil and butter. My pan might have gotten a little hot, but it turned out ok.
The only spice was from a sea salt grinder, as there is no pepper in this house. Could I say that the only taste was from a nude pork chop. I don't have any mustard or catsup, or garlic.

Tomorrow, I get to cook my first rib eye. I will need to again find out from You Tube how to cook it.

Some time ago I mentioned that my mother would cook the meat to extremely well done. Meaning we had a need to scrape off the burned part before eating. But then there might have been a fear that the meat might not get cooked enough to kill all the bacteria.
Michelle

Went to JoAnn Fabric,(don't know what the actual name is.) I don't know how long the sales are going to last, and it looks like some shelves are getting bare. 30% off the hand drill, and 20% off the acrylic paint.
I got some new paint,about a dollar or two for a couple ounces, otherwise I would need to add water to what I have and mix to get the proper consistency.
It looks like 40% off the ribbon, and I picked up some green ribbon. I was thinking of making some green garters. Sewing the ribbon onto the elastic and lace will present a challenge.
Michelle

I was watching a short video of a new dad. In the video there was a question about feeding his white baby food made for Asian as shown on the label. He was told by the cashier that it would be fine. Just don't feed your girl baby anything with a boy picture as she would then grow boy parts.
Michelle

@Michelle_K
Dear Michelle:
  .... Very interesting indeed. 

I wonder what would happen if they feed their baby BOY  
baby food that has a picture of a GIRL on the label?  :icon_chick:  ???

HUGS, Danielle

Quote from: Michelle_K on March 18, 2025, 01:54:53 PMI was watching a short video of a new dad. In the video there was a question about feeding his white baby food made for Asian as shown on the label. He was told by the cashier that it would be fine. Just don't feed your girl baby anything with a boy picture as she would then grow boy parts.
Michelle

It seems that I have too many projects, My 1/8 scale Farmall is waiting for the mounted corn picker, which does not exist yet. I did get a new rear axle and spacers put into the Farmall and now the rear wheels leave room for the picker. I'm going to need to drill and tap holes for the screws to mount the corn picker when I get it built. I may build a prototype using cardboard and the erector set.

After watching a video, I might change my mind about the bob sled that I have. It looks like it might be the proper scale to hook behind my 1/6 scale snowmobile. I would then need to put a hitch on the snowmobile, and a pole on the sled to hook it to the snowmobile. I was reminded about a sled that was displayed way back in the late 60s. It was build to carry an injured person behind a snowmobile.
Michelle

It would be nice to have a diagnosis for my autism and ADHD. From what I am hearing forget about the medication. I heard the the drug companies are experiencing a shortage of raw materials for making the drug.
The shortage doesn't help the patient any, but the stockholders have gotten a nice sized profit.

But that was not what I intended to write. The autism makes me slow in my speech, whereas my sister would make a great speaker. If I was to say anything bad about her daddy, I would quite likely get put down so fast That I would be left speechless. It would likely be two against one as her husband would join her.
In fact, he already has told me that I had no right to treat my dad the way I did. How about the way my dad treated me. Allow my mother to punish me for taking the silver dollars, because he was not man enough to admit he took them.
Michelle

I feel for you, Michelle!  Your confusion, frustration, and fear resulted in inability to trust and have faith. 
That you feel wronged and still are feeling so wronged is heartrending. 

I lived my young life through to 16 years old never able to trust one of my parents and my 4 step siblings.  No matter the innocence, there were always enough other inputs to have me be the scapegoat.  Tell the truth all you like, no matter, guilty just by being alive.  Being slow to respond/react didn't doesn't help either.  I learned damned if you do and damned if you don't.

What a way to live.  Yet, because you are here it looks like in spite of the hurt, you are on your way to healing and may be able to overcome that history.

To be honest, I have no idea why I am still alive. Falling through the ice on the river as a child trying to retrieve an arrow. Sleeping in a car broken down on the road in the middle of a winter night. I once even lifted my foot approaching a blind curve, My passengers voiced their concerns that I had slowed to a stop. They freaked when a car suddenly came speeding around that curve in the wrong lane.
I have no idea what kept my motorcycle out of the grass when I took that curve too fast. It was like a hand kept me out of the ditch.

I once read a story about a man that stated he felt like he had a sword hanging at his side. I don't really recall if it was from a past life or if he feels the sword of his guardian angel.

As I watch the videos and read the stories about narcissism, I'm learning that my dad's ego was so inflated that he could not admit he needed help to survive the fall into a machine. Quite likely it was an eye opening experience since a friend of his lost both legs in such an accident. I used to hear a lot about how his friend would pound nails into his wooden legs.
Michelle

https://www.detroitbandsaw.com/resource-library-faqs/how-to-determine-band-saw-blade-length/

I used to shop all the time at JoAnn's.  I used to buy thread for hemming guy clothes.
Once I stared wearing women's clothes I was able to find clothes that didn't need to altered!

After all this, my original intent was to state that I finally have an appointment for a pulmonary function test. Now I will finally be tested and determine if I have asthma, emphysema, or COPD.  Emphysema is not supposed to be genetic, but I think someone said my mother had it, and her dad had it.

The deal with my sisters was that I was wondering if I could trust them to help. Kind of like my dad with his statement that I would get to the pickup point on time and then disappeared until it was too late to go to the pickup point. If any would be willing to drive 40 miles to pick me up, and then drive another 50 miles to my appointment, and wait a couple of hours. I'm afraid I would wait till the last minute and then be informed they can't make the trip.

About the baby food, I was a bit tempted until I finally got my dentures replaced. Maybe that was what happened when I was a baby. My mother put dresses on me because I was a girl, and stopped putting dresses on me because the baby food turned me into a boy.
Michelle

I had an awful thought. I was wondering how many people actually thought the baby food turned me into a boy. Actually it turned me into a girl with boy parts.
Michelle

Either I have a type of autism that wont let me lie, or I was severely beaten to tell his truth. The result is I must correct the statement and admit that the baby food did not give me boy parts. Most likely my mother did not buy baby food. She would have made her own. Still for some reason she would have dressed me as a girl until she could no longer get away with it, like sending me to school.
Michelle

Just something that I occasionally wondered about. I was in the military during Vietnam, but ended up in Germany. I wondered why I was given a 6 month early out, and no reenlistment officer talked to me. Just recently I read it was not optional, and it was up to 4 months early out, as solders were returning from Vietnam.

I kind of refer to it as they gave me a good conduct medal and then kicked me out. Really, My active duty was 1 year and 6 months. The 6 months in Germany, allowing me to have overseas stripes on my dress uniform.

Going to trade school, my draft notice was skipped over until I graduated. Knowing I was going to be drafted, and not able to get the conscientious objector status, I enlisted and turned 21 in basic training. My parents got the draft notice about a week after I went to basic training.

I need to do some more research to find out why I got the extra 2 months on my early out.
Michelle

I'm reading about asthma and one description was that it felt like the band of the bra was too tight. I wrote that down in a text file as I know how that feels. I have deformed ribs and it seems I have a grove where the band of the bra goes.

I had to drive 30 miles one way to take care of my taxes. I got to thinking about some 20-30 years ago it would feel like I was wearing a bra when I wasn't, and the band was a little bit tight. It took a few moments to register, just like now when I had the asthma attack. Oh!! The tightness in the chest from the asthma felt like a tight bra even back decades ago.
Michelle

Things have not gone well. I opened a small box of large crackers, after cutting the inner wrapper the box slipped and half the crackers ended up on the floor next to the trash can. Well, that was a waste of money.
While putting eggs into a container prior to cracking, I bumped the measuring cup and dropped the egg. Luckily I dropped it into the measuring cup, but later had to remove shell pieces from the eggs before frying.

I wrote a post for asthma forum, and when I hit post, it said error, unable to post. I then hit save draft, and went to another page. Figure out how to find my draft, and then find it did not save.

Thursday I took the skates that broke my wrists to the thrift shop. At the thrift shop I found a eyelet pliers. The eyelet in my high heel boot has been replaced. At least something positive for the week.
Michelle

Growing up in the 1950s, pretty much all the women in my life wore thigh high stockings called nylons. It was not unusual for nylons to be hanging above the bathtub at my grandma's house. I don't know when women started to wear jeans, but the stocking to me represent part of being a woman. Wearing thigh highs under my jeans feels a lot better than woolen long john underwear.

Still learning some things. My mother treating me like a girl and dressing me like a girl. I now think she was the one that as part of learning to be a girl, taught me how to roll the nylons and put them on, including how to attach the garter belt. I now wonder if I did become the replacement child, and my mother actually believed I was her daughter.
Michelle

I watched a video, and the guy had to retake a driving test to renew his license. So I had to check, MN does not require a retest other than vision.

I went to the bank this week, and the bank required a photo of my drivers license. She might have gotten confused a bit. Here I am, clean shaven, wearing glasses, earrings and necklace. And the photo has a beard and mustache, no jewelry or glasses. And it says male. I guess it is well known that the license photo does not look like the person.

I need to renew my license this year, and it looks like I can do it any time before my birthday. Using my DD214, I can get veteran marked on my drivers license. I'm debating about changing my gender marker.
Michelle

My license is up for renewal this year too. Fortunately, I updated it two years ago after my legal name change. It doesn't expire until the end of September and since I plan to move in July, I'll just get a new license from there.

I considered maybe going to an enhanced drivers license. Reading the forums, I don't know if it is true that you need a passport just to fly between two cities in the U.S. I have never had a passport. You don't need the passport if you have the enhanced ID. Minnesota allows me self proclaim my gender on the enhanced ID.

Wondering what I would need for documents, I checked to see what I had. Only the order for name change and my driver's license have my middle name.
 My birth certificate was never updated, need to take care of that. On my house gas bill, two letters in my last name are reversed. As long as I correct my name, I should add my middle name.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on March 23, 2025, 12:08:44 PMReading the forums, I don't know if it is true that you need a passport just to fly between two cities in the U.S. I have never had a passport. You don't need the passport if you have the enhanced ID. Minnesota allows me self proclaim my gender on the enhanced ID.

You do not need a passport to travel domestically within the U.S. between cities. If your driver's license has the yellow star in the upper right corner, it is Real ID compliant and all you need to travel within the U.S.

https://dps.mn.gov/divisions/dvs/license-and-id/dl-and-id-card-information/real-id-dl-and-id-card


 

Looking at Klinefelter again. Considering getting a blood test, but first checking the records I do have from 2005 for testosterone test. First I noticed that exercise was crossed out in the nutrition referral. Not that it matters, since my work consisted of moving 50-70 pound box from a pallet to the flow rack behind a mail inserting machine (stuffing envelopes).
Next I noticed my height was put at 5ft 11in. It has not changed from 5ft 9.5in since 1967 that I know of. I must have been measured with my shoes on. I not sure, but I think I get it checked almost every time I go into the office. I was wondering why that was done since it doesn't change, but now realizing there is a possibility of spine compression at my age. I was going to complain about them taking a measurement that never changes. I used the wrong measurement and then the right measurement to check BMI. It was a difference of 1 point.
I wanted to check if it also had the LH value with the testosterone. I had it tested recently, and was confused. Even allowing for test differences, I see no reason why the testosterone level would be higher now than it was about 20 years ago.  375 to 379.
Michelle

The record was in the other computer.

Hormone fluctuations like that are common. They vary from day to day and even hour to hour. They don't "lock in" at a certain point. So a minor change of 4 points is perfectly normal.

Trying to get my head on straight. I wonder if it is really possible that telling off my brother-in-law would get rid of my neck pain. Considering thanking him for getting me to break down and end up in mental therapy, it helped me find that I was transgender. I did a couple posts in Facebook. One about the divine intervention that saved my dad's life, stating I was the divine angel that saved him.

I'm not saying that I forgot it, yesterday's dinner was still in the can sitting on the counter top this morning. Not that it matters, as I still had 1600 calories for the day, and my scale showed I lost a pound.
The interesting thing is I went to a keto diet without even knowing there was a keto diet.
Michelle 

In trying to get my head straight, I look at the picture of me, age 3.5, again. It is not a dress, it is called a jumper. The same as the picture of me at a year old, it is a jumper. It has a front bib, no sides or back, and likely straps cross in the back, and then over the shoulder. Mine has a narrow back piece until it separates into straps by the neck. The thing is no sleeves or sides above the skirt. My denim one has a pocket on the bib, and adjustable straps.

There I go again, getting too detailed. As if I need to explain what a jumper is. I could just call it a bibbed skirt. The point I am trying to get to is that I have no problem wearing a skirt, but uncomfortable wearing a dress.

My mother did not like it when I put on a dress I found when I was a teenager. It got hung up in my closet and gathered up with my other clothes when I moved. I have a dress hanging in my closet that I wore 50 years ago. It is too small for me now. My Christmas dress and Thanksgiving dress have never been worn outside. I could say they are holiday dresses, worn on special occasions.

I don't know if my mother made any threats about me wearing dresses, or something my dad said about cross dressers.
Then there is the fashion police, dresses are to be worn with thigh high socks and high heel shoes. I wonder if that was my dad's idea. Back again to the Tom Peeping movie, which suggested, that the only reason for a man to wear a dress was to get into ... Women's underwear is a fetish, dresses are a perversion.

Unrelated, but just a thought I just caught, as a child I wanted cowboy boots because they had high heels.
I never did get my Annie Oakley costume.

My tops are size 16, my skirts are size 12, the waist is at the wrong location on the dress. A size 16 dress is too big around the waist.
Michelle
 

How do we keep men out of women's sports in the Olympics? Simple, The Olympics for 2028 is in California, If the DNA doesn't show XX, then no visa.

Quote from: Michelle_K on March 25, 2025, 07:01:14 PMHow do we keep men out of women's sports in the Olympics? Simple, The Olympics for 2028 is in California, If the DNA doesn't show XX, then no visa.

There are no men in women's sports.

That's what people fail to understand. Sex and gender are not determined by chromosomes. But the "powers that be" are not interested in learning from biologists or picking up a book to become educated.

Quote from: Michelle_K on March 24, 2025, 07:40:46 PMTrying to get my head on straight. I wonder if it is really possible that telling off my brother-in-law would get rid of my neck pain. Considering thanking him for getting me to break down and end up in mental therapy, it helped me find that I was transgender.

Sounds like a great exchange like a silver lining or something! ;D

What I had just wrote just got lost, so on to my next thoughts. Thinking about my projects, especially GI Joe's workshop, or Captain Action's. There are 3, 1/6 scale Chevy engines waiting for proper engine stands. I think I have the parts for one 1/6 scale engine stand in a project box.

I need to repair the hitch on the front of a GI Joe trailer. I work with the 1/6 scale GI Joes so it is a larger size trailer. I had considered I might add some detailing like a hand brake, etc.

Watching EngelsCoachShop, remembering I wanted to build a GI Joe/Barbie/Captain Action sized woodworking shop. I've had this idea for several years. I wanted to make stop motion videos of my action figures building the equipment and repairing or maintaining the vehicles. The ultimate video would be my action figures building a covered wagon. I would post my videos to my You Tube channel. My biggest problem is some decent lighting to take the photographs, and maybe a better camera.

I decided to try out the jumper I had. It does feel strangely comfortable with the straps over my shoulders. This one has a mini skirt, and I am not going to wear it on my walk to the post office.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on March 25, 2025, 07:01:14 PMHow do we keep men out of women's sports in the Olympics? Simple, The Olympics for 2028 is in California, If the DNA doesn't show XX, then no visa.

I like that.

Reading in some other forums about mothers putting dresses on toddler boys. With them it is different, they know they are boys. I watched the episode of the Muppet Babies, it was a Muppet story of Cinderella.
A comment was made that like in the past, it may become common to have boy dresses.


In my case it seems to be different, with my mother's anger towards her father, and maybe wanting a girl, the dress would be punishment for being a boy. She went beyond that, shown by her comment about me making a good house wife.
My hair wasn't really too long, but longer than most boys. When one aunt mentioned my hair being a bit long, my mother said that was to grab to discipline. She then said just kidding. My hair had been grabbed and yanked many times to made me sit up straight at the table.
I think I'm going the long way around to say my mother referred to me as a girl. Not just dressing me as a girl, but saying I was a girl. So, in effect I was a girl until about age 5, when I turned into a boy to go to school.
And like any abuser, when asked, My mother denies any of that happened. Even though there was an argument about my wearing dresses, my dad also denies it happened to me. I should feel sorry for him because again he is claiming my memories, to show how he was mistreated as a child.

Point 1. gender confusion caused by mother claiming her boy was a girl.
Point 2. gender confusion caused by body becoming feminized. No details.

Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on March 25, 2025, 07:01:14 PMHow do we keep men out of women's sports in the Olympics? Simple, The Olympics for 2028 is in California, If the DNA doesn't show XX, then no visa.

There was a video explaining this. If a woman does not pass the DNA gender test then she does not get a visa to enter this country to compete in the Olympics. I'm just wondering how many women were assigned female at birth, were raised female, and now will be banned from competition due to having XY chromosomes.

The video also explained that men are superior, and any transperson in the male competition has zero chance of winning any medals. Therefore men do not take a DNA test.

After doing a little bit of reading about past Olympics needing a doctor's certificate stating the she is female, I now wonder if the video was bs to get views.
Michelle

And yet there are trans men (assigned female at birth, with XX chromosomes) who have won medals and awards against cis-gendered men. But no one complains about that.

A new to me toy has arrived. Inside the box are some styrofoam cylinders. I was reminded about my nephew who liked to snitch my snacks. I put some styrofoam cylinders into a sandwich bag. He said they didn't taste good.

I now have the front cab of a GI Joe Adventure Team Mobile Support Vehicle. I didn't notice the broken spot. Easily fixed with some putty. The back part is ordered, then there will be minor loose parts that are missing.
I think Toy Polloi is the name of the You Tube channel that does repair work on Action Man/GI Joe equipment.

I got some more stuff to work on the bob sled, and the garters. I had gotten green lace before to make St. Patrick's garters. These are like wedding garters that go around the top of the thigh highs. Looking at the ribbon I decided I did not need to make it exactly like the sample. Polka dot ribbon for Minnie Mouse, blue gingham for Wizard of Oz, stars and stripes, and whatever else I could think of
Michelle   

Doing some research, I find out that in open competition a biological cis woman beat a man in darts. I wonder what kind of excuse he had. There are other sports where women can compete against men and/or women's only competition. Archery being another one.

I heard the woman boxer was kept out of the previous Olympic competition because she was better than the Russian boxer.

Reading the other forums, a service man was concerned that if they waited until they were forced out, they may loose all their benefits.

A possibility was raised on another forum about needing a federal ID or passport in order to vote in an election.
Michelle

You should check out our News Forums. We report stories like those as soon as we find them. We also have our Military Confab forum where we post news and information of interest to military and veterans.

I think it did feel good, not really pointing it at my brother-in-law, but explaining how my dad wanted to be reimbursed for things he never paid for. I only posted it on Facebook. I still haven't thanked him for causing my mental breakdown.

Point 3. gender confusion added by my dad wanting to be reimbursed for my birth expenses when I was born at home. At the time all I could think of was that the expenses were because I was intersex.

Point 4. It was in my army medical records, a report that the doctor observed a healthy ovary while performing an appendectomy on me.

When the doctor refused to see if I had internal female organs saying that it never happens, isn't that the same as saying intersex people don't exist.
Michelle

I have a relative that has prostate cancer. He is on estrogen to reduce the cancer. I would hate to see him denied his prescription because his insurance says he is a male.

I woke up this morning with thoughts of choir boys and castrated males. I think it was a Christian view about transgenders. The statement was made that transgender is not in the Bible because at that time it did not exist. It has been a long time, but I seem to remember something about self mutilated males called eunuchs.
Michelle

This might not be the right place to post. Finally getting some idea of what might have been going on. Something happens and I am a witness, my dad was not there, but wants every detail. Even with all the details he can say, I don't believe you. Later he tells his buddies the details as if he witnessed the whole thing. Maybe even state that he never saw me there.

He made a couple of errors where I was concerned. One was taking my skates and claiming they were his. The second one raises a question, if the skates were locked up safely in the shop, why was the skate key hanging on the shelf in the house next to the radio.

When telling my dad stuff, he was constantly correcting me. And then I would forget what I was talking about. First off, I was a preteen child, correcting how I talked, use the proper words, etc. Made sure I understood the consequences of lying, sit in that chair until you are ready to admit the truth. He was so against lying that you would think he never lied. The biggest lie that he told was that he never lied. His proof being a gun and a badge.

At the moment, I have on my driver's license application that I am female. I don't know if I can do this. Such a fear of lying that I may change it back to male before getting my license.
Michelle

Mother didn't bother with talking, she just grabbed the paddle stick if she thought you were lying. How long do you paddle the child? Until your arm is sore from swinging the paddle stick.

Quote from: Michelle_K on March 27, 2025, 04:54:35 PMI seem to remember something about self mutilated males called eunuchs.

They weren't all "self-mutilated" and most were not. Some were not even castrated.

You might be thinking of Matthew 19:12. Jesus distinguishes three types of eunuchs: those born that way, those made eunuchs by others, and those who choose to live as eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.

Some were just celibate, or what today we might call "asexual".

Quote from: Lori Dee on March 27, 2025, 05:49:33 PMthose born that way,

Are these what some suggests that could potentially refer to individuals who are intersex or naturally infertile?

Quote from: Lori Dee on March 27, 2025, 05:49:33 PMThey weren't all "self-mutilated" and most were not. Some were not even castrated.

You might be thinking of Matthew 19:12. Jesus distinguishes three types of eunuchs: those born that way, those made eunuchs by others, and those who choose to live as eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.

Some were just celibate, or what today we might call "asexual".

That has always been a controversial text.  Literal translations say "made themselves eunuchs" rather than "choose to live as eunuchs".  Modern interpretations do indeed prefer the latter and mainstream churches regard castration that is not medically necessary as wrong.

However, I believe that the latter interpretation is the result of the squeamishness of people who are not transgender.  Physically castrated people usually experience a drop in libido but that would not necessarily happen if someone simply chose to be celibate for religious reasons, as some churches have discovered to their embarrassment.

Those are my thoughts on the subject, anyway, although I gathered while doing some online research years ago that I am not alone.

Right now, I am wondering if it worth the cost of having a court declare a name change. It is so messed up that I don't know what to believe. I'm reading some are getting notices in the mail that any name or gender change papers are invalid. Their new id must agree with their birth certificate.

I think about the children of the hippies, and the names they were given. My original name meant boy in a foreign language, I got laughed at, they could legally call me boy.
My name was court ordered to be changed to Michael. The same as Nostradamus, it is pronounced Michelle.

One I read was to vote, A photo id was needed, a birth certificate to prove citizenship, and a wedding license to show why the id did not match the birth certificate.
Michelle

Another was turned away from voting because the gender on the id did not match the presentation.

I have an existing bob sled for 1/6 scale that will now be repaired for behind a 1/6 scale snowmobile. I think I mentioned the snowmobile does not have a hitch on the back. Half the problem with the bob sled was that the nuts came loose and got lost, and then parts just came off. In the video, he cut off the excess bolt and battered the threads so the nut would not come off and get lost.

I was halfway to another town to get my groceries, when I realized I did not have the measurements for the missing parts on the bob sled. Not that it mattered that much, just that I won't be able to finish it until I get the parts.The bolts and nuts are 1, 2, and 3 mm. The local hardware stores and running stores do not handle anything that small so bolts are special ordered.
Michelle

I get a lot of medicare advantage calls. The tell me I can get vision and dental and even a grocery card, plus money back from medicare.
They never tell me that some appointment must be approved. they don't tell me that if I don't get approval for a specialist, I am responsible for the whole cost. They don't tell me certain hospitals do not accept Medicare advantage due to low payments. I hang up a lot.

Now I see something on Facebook about Medicare refund if medications are through VA. In the last 20 years, my only prescription has been baby aspirin and acetaminophen for my broken wrists. It was cheaper to buy over the counter. No prescriptions means no medications, therefore no medications through VA.

I didn't know if the call was from another scammer. It was from the place for my pulmonary function test. VA will pay for it, and it will be about 15 miles away. It sounds like a rough test and I may have to rest afterwards before driving home.
Michelle

I am tired, I am always tired. I sleep 9-10 hours every night. Granted I wake up a few times during the night to use the bathroom. Being tired all the time can be a symptom of low hormones. But my testosterone is in the normal value. Back in 2005, my testosterone was checked, so no follow up as to why I wanted a hormone test.

I thought it was odd that at age 75, my testosterone level is about the same as when I was 55. Can I then say that it is likely that at age 35 it was the same?

I was never told that I could have testosterone deficiency and still be in the normal range.I have been suffering from symptoms of testosterone deficiency for decades. In my case it would be since puberty, so I have nothing to compare it to. At the age I am now it becomes normal to suffer from age related sexual problems. It seems to be a problem telling a doctor that I have had these problems all my life.

Ya but, what about my sexual relations with my cousin at the age of ten? I have a question of why my dad would believe that at age 10 I would be sexually involved with anybody. With my dad thinking that, there is no reason to believe that there might be a hormonal problem with my puberty.

I think with the endocrinologist, I tried to explain that I might have Klinefelter Syndrome, and I already suffer the same symptoms as the side effects of HRT. I didn't get the chance. I soon as I mentioned Klinefelter, I was told it was not possible because it was not in my medical records.

I want to make sure that my testosterone and estrogen levels are checked first, to make sure I get the proper prescription.

Now I'm confused. I have a note in MyChart that I have a gender dysphoria diagnosis, and could go through they to get my estrogen. This is prior to the appointment with the endocrinologist. I sure that the VA had also given me a gender dysphoria diagnosis, and sent me to the endocrinologist. Then why did the endocrinologist send me to a therapist to get a gender dysphoria diagnosis?

I had to check, and so now I have gender dysphoria diagnosis from three different places.
Michelle

Just a quick edit to note that the endocrinologist is connected to the university of Minnesota.

I never dated when I was going to school. My dad asked me if I had a girlfriend. I told him no, but somehow he found out because I now had a restraining order against me. I was told that I was to stay away from that girl because she was the daughter of one of the church leaders.

After writing this, some things might become clearer. I never mentioned a girlfriend because I did not have any. I did not know how he got any idea she might be my girlfriend. I assumed that her father had a complaint against me, and had contacted my dad to tell me I am not to be near his daughter. The problem being she rode the same school bus as I did. She was also in some of the same school classes, being in the same grade. She was also the girlfriend of boy that used to be my friend.
I'm guessing my dad asked my sister about any girl I might like. No matter who she would have named, I would not be good enough for any of the girls.

I was not served any papers for a restraining order. Years later at my class reunion I stayed away from them to not violate my restraining order.

How much of this is due to the fact that I have autism, I don't know. I forget things, I get told things that are not true. How much was made up by my dad just so that I would do the work that he should do.


Change of subject. Some of this I was already guessing at. I'm sitting here and again my leg is itching something fierce. No more guessing. It is a nickel plated keyring in my pocket. Perhaps the same keyring when I thought it was the silicone gripper on my stay up thigh highs. The same thing happens if have a nickel coin in my pocket.
The same with earrings, The post is ok, but if the rest of the earring touches my ear then I have a problem. Although I could, I guess, paint the earring with clear nail polish, except for the post.
Michelle

As I am waiting for the shower to warm up, I grab my dentures and rinse them off and put them into my mouth. I dry my hands and step into the shower. I ask myself why did I just do that. Seems to be a bit of a waste, to dry my hands just before getting them wet again.

Before taking my shower, I think of the old joke from full house. "Did you take a bath?" "Is there one missing?"
The weirdest thing, wondering what are the chances. Over in Germany, to meet a German that immigrated to the U.S., got drafted, and then stationed in Germany.
He said some of our language does not make sense. For instance, take a pee, shouldn't it be leave a pee.
Michelle

As long as I am uploading photos. Am I really a man in a dress? Kind of a before and after.

(https://i.imgur.com/STvgIVt.jpeg)(https://i.imgur.com/WU0cKW7.jpeg)

Trying to find out when it was, I come across a date of Sept. 13, 1998. And the blue dress also has the same date. That makes it more than 25 years ago
Michelle

Edit: decided to move this post. Thought about explaining how I had to go back in time to tell myself to cover my mouth to confuse any face recognition, when I post the photo.

I sometimes come up with the weirdest thoughts. Wondering if my dad really was that way, not only play with the proper toys, but there was a proper way to play with the toys. A toy car is an example, it must be pointed in the proper direction. As for the dolls, they were bought after my dad had died.

My dad was just plain lazy, using an excuse that his fingers got smashed to get out of work. Most men would claim that the outdoor grill belongs to him, and the woman better not touch the meat on the grill. My dad was the other way, the grill is an extension of the kitchen, therefore it is the woman's job when using the grill. Now I wonder if it was his laziness, claim it is a woman's job to get out of doing work.

Thinking about all the tv shows where the diners and restaurants have men at the grill. I could go on with sewing and cleaning house and washing clothes. And it would seem the men's job was to watch tv. The kids took care of everything else, including getting his beer. Of course he was the only one qualified to drive the farm tractor, and I would have to find him to move the tractor when I cleaned barn.
Michelle
 

Tomorrow will get rough. I have a pulmonary function test. Interesting, sit in a sealed box and breathe through a tube. The change in air pressure gives the lung air volume. Basically try to give me an asthma attack. Not quite, but measure how fast I breathe and transfer rate of oxygen into the blood.

On the instructions for tomorrow, no smoking, and no medication. I'm sure they will want to know when I quit smoking. You know, they want you to stop smoking 14 days before an operation. It might have been 16 days before the operation to stabilize my broken wrists. Same day as I fell, with no food or drink for 8 hours so they could do the operation. Quit smoking on June 15, 2023, and broke my wrists on July 1st, 2023.
Michelle 

And no coffee.

Quote from: Michelle_K on March 30, 2025, 11:57:06 PMTomorrow will get rough. I have a pulmonary function test. Interesting, sit in a sealed box and breathe through a tube. The change in air pressure gives the lung air volume. Basically try to give me an asthma attack.

That does sound like a tough test, but it's good that you're being thorough in checking your lung function.

Wishing you smooth breathing for tomorrow. Let us know how it goes!

The Pulmonary lung test turned out normal. All it means is that I have normal lung function when I don't have an asthma attack. I don't know what other tests they have. I read about a walking test, measuring how far you walk in 6 minutes. I thought about it a little bit, and started wondering if the air inside the hospital/clinic is different than the air outside. Is it filtered, so no contaminants in the air. And air temperature might make a difference.
Michelle

Humidity makes a difference for me. If it is raining outside, or even in the shower, I start coughing.

Quote from: Michelle_K on April 01, 2025, 05:48:46 PMI thought about it a little bit, and started wondering if the air inside the hospital/clinic is different than the air outside. Is it filtered, so no contaminants in the air. And air temperature might make a difference.

I think so. Don't they have ways to recreate an environment similar to when you're experiencing asthma symptoms?

I get tired of all these places wanting a survey done after an appointment. A lot of questions to answer.

Too bad I didn't know how to rate the one dentist I had in the past. Two teeth were left in my jaw to stabilize my denture. My denture did not fit properly past those two teeth. The dentist tried to make it fit, and I got told I had to live with it. Those two teeth held the denture up like a teeter totter. Later when the denture was refitted, I paid the same price as they originally cost. They still teeter tottered.

years Later I looked him up on the internet. He wanted to sue someone who gave him a bad review.

At the price I paid, they should have made a new denture that fit properly.
Michelle

Checking some old work records that had been scanned into my computer. It is from Green Giant it shows my age at 17. That should be 1967, the year I graduated from school. It looks like I was 5'11" in shoes, and my weight was 155 pounds.
I have some check stubs from 1966, about a month before my birthday, which means I was 16 at the time.

I think for both years my dad came with an application and told me to fill it out as I start work in the morning. Later on I had a welding job that started the same way. Fill out the application, you start work in the morning.

I think that in 1967 in the fall I was working for Green Giant for sweet corn. I think it was a hours drive there, work my 12 hour shift and a hours drive back home. One day I got home and wanted to get some sleep, but my dad had other plans. Since I had worked the night shift, it was day time and I should help with the chores.

I don't know exactly when he told me that when he was my age he worked two jobs, each being 12 hour shifts. He would get done with one, punch out and run across the street to the other and punch in. He didn't need any sleep, so there was no reason I should need any sleep.

While going to trade school, that would be a hours drive each way plus 8 hours in classes. My dad again came with an application, I would start that night, 8 hour shifts. Again there is no need for me to sleep. He even came up with the idea that I should take a sleeping cot, and sleep there until my shift. The person there did not give me a chance to sleep.
I started dozing off in class, I still haven't figured out why I would doze off at work, and wake up every hour to check the temperature. Seed corn drying plant, below freezing temperatures meant the end of the season. The worst part was one day waking up as my car went off the side of the road into the ditch. My dad never found out I dozed off while driving.
Michelle

After graduating from trade school for electronics, I could not guarantee that I would not get drafted. I ended up enlisting, I heard it called volunteer draft. I thought about writing about just barely passing for graduation from boot camp. I learned to do a pushup, then rest without getting up, then another, rest again until I got the minimum needed. Throwing the dummy hand grenade was something else, I did not have the power to get it near the target. I did figure it out, a high enough arc and the range is increased. I saw one that threw it like a baseball, and hit the target.
On graduation day, I was one of those chosen to help do cleanup around the barracks, I never got the parade review for ending my basic training

There were 2 weeks between basic training and advanced training. I spent time at home. I thought, you've got to be kidding, I'm home for two week and my dad comes along, fill this out, you start tomorrow. I'm home for 2 weeks from the army and I am working at a canning company. It didn't last very long.
Michelle

Some time after advanced training, there was a blood drive and I gave blood, later that night I got abdominal pain and other symptoms. In the morning I went on sick call. I might have had some confusion, not knowing if I had permission or not, I did not return from sick call that day. On sick call, I got put on a gurney, and wait and wait,(did they have at that time, no food or drink a specified time before a surgery?) I was asked if someone should be contacted. I thought of my parents, but forgot my unit. My parents were contacted.
I was told that my appendix ruptured while I was on the operating table.

My dad later got a call and was told that I was AWOL, He set them straight about me being right there on the army base in the hospital. After getting out of the hospital, I went on a medical leave. Since they thought I was AWOL, they had gone through my stuff. As they helped me get organized to go on leave they watched me grab a paper clip at the bottom of my locker door, I pulled out an envelope filled with the months pay from the vent channel.
Michelle

I was watching a video, and it was talking bullies are bullies to compensate for something they feel is lacking in their lives.
It reminded me of a scene from one of the reality shows, not sure if it was the one where he liked to repair antique coke-cola machines. Not saying this was compensation, just seemed odd, A pickup with huge tires stops at the shop, the guy gets out and climbs down the ladder. He is very short. I think I heard the term once, vertically disadvantaged.

It was a 1979 movie called "Fast Break" With Gabe Kaplan. It was a men's basketball team, where one member fell in love with another member. The player called "Swish" was actually a woman.

I hear this stuff about men being afraid that the woman they find attractive might be a man.
Michelle

There once was a time when I used to believe everything my dad told me. I was the evil one, I was the black sheep of the family. I was trying to kill my own sister. Such was the case when my dad explained to me how I used reverse psychology to make my sister grab the electric fence. (Now I see what I did, The talk about fencing brought up my experience with a fence.)
What is the evidence? She screamed and said I made her touch the fence. Defense is gagged, not allowed. Guilty of attempted murder.
Revisit the scene of the crime. It is a single wire gate that hooks to the main fence using a hook with an insulating handle. The gate is open being unhooked and laying on the ground.
My sister is about to grab the wire when I warn her about it being electric and would hurt her.

New evidence: It is not connected to the main fence and is only electric when connected to the main fence. The main fence is connected through an overhead wire that goes to the barn and is connected to the fencer.
Nobody saw her touch the fence, and it appears that at the time that section was not electric.

Suppose somebody grabs the electric fence, and nobody helps them.
I used to go out behind the buildings to play in the old cars after school. Like many time before, I grabbed the wire to move it, only to find it was now electric and I could not open my hand. Looking across the meadow, I could see my dad tilling the field. I watch as he went back and forth, disappearing over the hill and then reappearing. There was no indication that he had seen me, and I was left to figure out how to get my hand free. Using my other hand, I opened the hand around the wire.

It might have been days later when I heard my dad tell his buddies how hilarious it was to see me stuck on the electric fence. I now wonder if I had walked into his trap and got electrocuted. And how am I affected by having that electricity flowing through for something like 45 minutes. Is that the cause on my heart hiccups.
Michelle

It was non-lethal, But I was a child.

Quote from: Michelle_K on April 05, 2025, 02:15:36 PMI hear this stuff about men being afraid that the woman they find attractive might be a man.

That is homophobia. It is not so much a concern about being with someone like that. I think it is more that they are worried that someone else might think they are gay because they found that person attractive.

Things get a bit hectic around here. I have a little bit of a routine. Get up in the morning sometime between 9:00 AM and 10:30 AM. I weigh myself, take a shower, hopefully I will eat breakfast before 12:00. Around 1:30 PM, I may realize I'm still in my bathrobe. It is now past 7:30 PM and just now starting to fill out my daily food diary. My food journal lists what I have eaten for the day, plus a running total for calories and protein, usually around 2200-2500 daily for calories. I haven't figured out my scale yet. It is odd to me that it would run several days straight with the same weight, then the weight might change and again that weight for several days. Currently showing 168.3 pounds.
Michelle

Thinking about religion related things. I had considered going to a fish fry yesterday. Something about a fish fry on a Friday at a church just didn't feel right. Seems to me, going to the public school, every Friday we had fish sticks, for religious reasons.

See if I feel better next week, At a rod and gun fish fry. Considering a membership as they have archery targets. They are open 24/7 so not likely to have any supervision. Sounds like I could just show up. Their website doesn't tell much, under archery they just show targets.
Michelle

I did some research on the electric fencer. It appears it had been banned by insurance companies due to causing barn fires. Being that it was a weed chopper it had a longer duration of on pulse and short off pulse. It would seem that the fact that I was wearing shoes made it feel like less power.
Michelle

I think it was back in February that I had the appointment with the therapist, referred to by the endocrinologist to get another gender dysphoria diagnosis. They called me and set up the appointment and apparently failed to get VA approval, resulting in medicare paying for the therapist. The therapist was to contact the endocrinologist and I have not heard anything since.

I requested a karyotype test from the VA to see if I have Klinefelter syndrome. I am told that I need to see a specialist. I should push to get a referral to the specialist, except that it may turn out to be the endocrinologist at the gender clinic that has already told me I don't have it because it would already be in my medical records if I did.

I feel like forgetting about the VA and just go go my local clinic where they already have a gender dysphoria diagnosis.

I'm even waiting for a follow up appointment for the results of the pulmonary function test. The results have been sent to the doctor at my local clinic and to the VA. The doctor at the local clinic has already responded that my lung function is normal.
Michelle

Just doing some thinking. In Minnesota I am still able to choose my own gender on my driver's license. However, I was just wondering what would happen if I had a relative that worked in the driver's license division. Would she see my name and then check the application, and make a correction to my sex on my application. Just wondering, as she no longer works there. Still wondering if the person taking care of my application when I get my photo might check it.

I will be going to a different office, and hope the photo turns out better.
Michelle

I came up with the crazy idea, that I might get some closure on my s abuser by visiting his grave. Looking him up was easy in ancestry, being that he was at one time my stepfather.

Learned a few things too. He is buried in Black Hills National Cemetery, being a WW2 veteran. Now I wonder that being my dad's partner in an auto repair, that my dad learned all about the war from him. I have an uncle that is a veteran of WW2, so possible they were friends.

Anyway that would be about a 8 hour drive, at Sturgis, SD. No plans on driving that distance at this time. Ancestry found a photo of his gravestone for me.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on April 07, 2025, 11:29:28 PMI came up with the crazy idea, that I might get some closure on my s abuser by visiting his grave. Looking him up was easy in ancestry, being that he was at one time my stepfather.

Learned a few things too. He is buried in Black Hills National Cemetery, being a WW2 veteran. Now I wonder that being my dad's partner in an auto repair, that my dad learned all about the war from him. I have an uncle that is a veteran of WW2, so possible they were friends.

Anyway that would be about a 8 hour drive, at Sturgis, SD. No plans on driving that distance at this time. Ancestry found a photo of his gravestone for me.
Michelle

I live in Rapid City. If you ever want me to get some pictures for you, I would be happy to do it. I go to the cemetery several times a year. It is a nice drive up and not far from me. Send me a PM with details so I can find it and I can email you some pics.

Trying to figure out what is going on with the VA. I got a letter that my coverage may be cancelled, because I earned too much in 2023, The year that I broke my wrists and paid over 20 thousand in medical expenses that were reported on my income tax papers. It looks like they failed to deduct my medical expenses from my income.
It looks like I might be able to send them the itemized deduction form.
Michelle

I have a sea salt grinder, and I have trouble gripping the twist end. I have ordered a couple of electric grinders. In the mean time I checked on another forum about increasing my hand grip, and remembering this is the second time that I broke my left wrist. When they put in the brace in my left wrist, they did a carpel tunnel release. At the time I was told not to use a hand grip, but I think it has been long enough for healing.

(https://i.imgur.com/LNdwov6.jpeg),(https://i.imgur.com/l2e8lN7.jpeg)


I bought this decades ago.           One is about all I can do, and there is a large gap between the handles.

Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on April 07, 2025, 03:01:03 PMI think it was back in February that I had the appointment with the therapist, referred to by the endocrinologist to get another gender dysphoria diagnosis. They called me and set up the appointment and apparently failed to get VA approval, resulting in medicare paying for the therapist. The therapist was to contact the endocrinologist and I have not heard anything since.

Or just didn't bother to bill the VA when it might be easier to bill Medicare. At any rate I ended up paying a copay.

Sometimes I wonder if some of these doctors are willing to take your money, without any intention of giving the proper medication. The endocrinologist should have known better. She told me that the Klinefelter syndrome would have been discovered when I was born, and then would be in my medical records. The idea that I might have to go back to her to get a blood test to see if I might have Klinefelter syndrome after she has told me it is not possible because it is not in my medical records.

I'm supposed to go to an endocrinologist before getting a test, to discuss what it means if it turns out positive. The symptoms are already there. It won't change how I look, but with the proper diagnosis, hopefully I get the proper medication.
Michelle

My dad once said that nobody would benefit from his experience. He was not about to teach me how to reload shells, but I learned by helping him. Still it wasn't much, he had the turret press, and I might get to pop out the primers of the shells. Nothing about powder, or how to measure. His attitude was he had to find out on his own, so everybody else had to do the same. Did I mention that he had a mentor to guide him when he had problems.

His dad was the same way, nobody was going to benefit from his hard work. He was also one that you did as you were told. One day he made a decision that the garden had to go. not only was the garden plowed up, but all the apple trees and grape vines were cut down. likely the roots were dug up and everything became part of the adjacent field.

This seems to keep the person dependent. Unlike my dad, I did not know how to reload the shells, I would be dependent on him to reload the shells for me. With grandpa, there were no more apples from his apple trees, no more flowers from his garden. Although he was getting up in age, and might not be able to work the garden, but his children were there helping. with the garden gone, no help was needed.
Michelle

I didn't continue my thoughts. I think it as a teenager, for 4H my mother enrolled me in snacks and lunches. I had to learn to make sandwiches, I also baked cookies. That was so long ago, but I can remember the cookies being judged at the county fair. My mother can be proud that I know how to cook, except she didn't really teach me how to cook. All she taught me was how to bake cookies and make sandwiches.
I learned from the cooking shows, but I never got any cooking experience.

At one point after the Army, I moved out and was living with a friend. When they moved out of their house I moved back home. I didn't have the necessary skills to live alone. Dependent on my mother because I didn't know how to cook.

After moving into this house, I realized my cooking skills consisted of putting a frozen dinner into the microwave. I still haven't made any boiled eggs. Just this past month has been the first time I fried pork chops and rib eye steak. I even got some Braunschweiger, and some large round crackers. A month or 2 ago was the first time I made pancakes, before then I bought frozen waffles and pancakes. I still haven't cooked any vegetables, I just eat them right out of the can. I do the same with chili.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on April 14, 2025, 12:55:29 AMAfter moving into this house, I realized my cooking skills consisted of putting a frozen dinner into the microwave.

QuoteI still haven't made any boiled eggs. Just this past month has been the first time I fried pork chops and rib eye steak. I even got some Braunschweiger, and some large round crackers. A month or 2 ago was the first time I made pancakes, before then I bought frozen waffles and pancakes.

Hmmm, this post is making me hungry. 

Buon appetito! 😋



~ Lilis 💗

A smelt fry at a firehouse in a town that I used to go visiting before my dad died. At that time I was working days. Sometime after he died, my mother got a job working evenings, and then started her tricks. Before her work, she would put a pot of stew on the stove, and after I got done with work, I would have to go straight home to turn off the stove. She also convinced me that my friends weren't really my friends and that I was wasting gas to go visit them. I'm trying to figure out how long it has been, It has been 45-50 years since I last saw any of them. If I did go to the smelt fry, it would not be likely that they would be there, even then we might not recognize each other.
Michelle

I can say that I have autism, but it is not diagnosed. It just makes things harder for me. Maybe I didn't quite understand something right. When I had my first appointment at the veteran's health center, I tried to explain that I wanted to get a diagnosis for Autism, ADHD, and gender dysphoria. Maybe I didn't explain it right and my provider thought I already had the diagnosis for them. When my appointment was over, and test results known, I was told see you next year.

I thought maybe the therapy sessions would be like a walk-in, but got sent back to the main building where I started seeing a social worker. We were working on controlling my anxiety with my fidget toys that I already used to control my anxiety. I still don't have a diagnosis. It took a bit to finally get someplace with the gender dysphoria.
I end up driving about a 100 miles, I get lost on the freeway when I miss the turn at the freeway split, I have to park in a paid lot, and the machine refuses to give me a payment receipt when I leave the parking lot. Just wondering if all this cost is worth the saving on estrogen.

It seems easier to me to just drive the 15 miles to the local clinic, get all my tests done there and get my prescription. Actually the same person my second attempt for estrogen was for. The VA canceled my appointment when they found out she was not on their approved list.
Michelle

I think it is the final days for the JoAnn stores. Drove to one about 40 miles away only to find the hobby paint is gone, and no polymer clay. I was going to check for patterns, but somebody beat me to them. They were emptying the drawers into a shopping cart, grabbing all the patterns.
I did grab a few folding crates and some tools. I expect the store to be closed tomorrow (Easter), and expect to go to a closer store on Monday.
Michelle

I think back to the audiologist some thirty years ago, that told me that hearing aids would not help me. Currently listening to Bob Classic Vault on Total Country BOB-FM. I listen through the computer with a short stereo speaker bar under my video monitor.
For the first time I heard Dueling Banjos while wearing hearing aids. I am still amazed how the sound of the tic-tok from my clock changes when I put in my hearing aids. I think country/western music was easier for me to listen to due to mostly very little instrumental sound.

At one time my sister suggested that I learn sign language. I not deaf, just hearing impaired, so I heard my dad's response about me faking it. I suspect that a school hearing test was treated the same way.

I think it even changes how I hear classical music. A bit of Mozart. I still need to test movies, Less strain trying to understand what is being said should mean more enjoyment of the movie.

I once had considered how the quality of the sound affected my hearing. I had decided that the higher the quality of sound coming from my speakers the better I would understand, even though I was hearing impaired.
In other words my hearing impairment required a higher quality sound. That is why I have a sound bar on my tv and another on my computer. "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" was in my music folder.

The same rational was used before I got my cataracts removed. The requirement for high quality video resulted in a small sized 4K tv and a 4K player. My decision was helped along when a video I bought turned out to be 4K. It hasn't been a year yet since I got my eyes fixed and even less since I got the hearing aids. I think my brain is still adjusting to the eye operations, not quite tracking properly, although the computer screen seems to be focusing better.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on April 20, 2025, 02:33:14 PMI am still amazed how the sound of the tic-tok from my clock changes when I put in my hearing aids.

Ticking clocks drive me crazy, so mine is silent. But with hearing aids in, the turn signal when driving is much different... and annoying. Most of the time, I don't wear the hearing aids because most of the noise in and near my apartment are not things I want to hear. (Screaming kids, dogs barking, train horns, motorcycles on the highway, my refrigerator, humidifier, furnace.) We live in a very noisy society.

I went on an unintended Easter egg hunt. I accidentally put the container of mini Cadbury creme eggs a little out of balance on top of my printer. They ended up on the floor, and went rolling. I did find them all and put them away for now.

Looking through my patterns, I do have the basic patterns, just need to do minor alterations to make them fit properly.
Did I mention I had my sewing machine on the kitchen table, and I had to go do something. When I got back my sewing machine kept jamming the thread. My mother said she didn't do anything. My sewing machine just sort of sat, not working properly. just a year or so ago, I downloaded a manual for it. It had a double loop around one part which increased the tension on the thread. After properly threading it, the machine works fine now. I suspect she did pick up the thread and make another wrap around that part. It makes me wonder about some other things. She would do things so that a project can't be completed, and later clam that the project was not completed due to laziness, proving that men are lazy.
Michelle

I made it to the closer JoAnn today. I got some more folding crates, smaller size. Found some paint and clay.
I didn't know about the patterns, apparently they don't belong to the store, so no discount. Just now reading from the website about the liquidators doubling the price, then give a 50 percent discount (sewing machines).

Reminds me of a bucket sale at some store. The 20 percent sale price was the same as the non sale price I saw at a different day.

I did get a few patterns, including capes, skirts and jeans.
Michelle 

Cedar City store last Saturday.  I had Amazon app open while comparing prices.  No savings, excepting that there were probably things I wouldn't have considered with out laying eyes on them.  Still, all said nothing worth spending on.  the really good stuff is gone already.  Fleecing continues.

I may have mentioned it before. I thought I mentioned autism, ADHD, and gender dysphoria to my VA provider at my first appointment. After my appointment, I was waiting for my referrals, only to find out no referrals were made. I did manage later to get a referral through the social worker. And then the insistence that I need to go through a endocrinologist for my hormones. Talk about depression, two appointments were canceled prior to this appointment. Of course I had anxiety, I drove for a hour and half, had to drive on the freeway, had to make sure I was in the proper lanes for the freeway splits, and I had no medication for my autism.

 I still don't have any prescriptions. From what I have been reading, I can forget about help from the VA for my gender dysphoria. Quite likely my referral for hormones has expired and won't be renewed.

I did send a message to my VA provider requesting a karyotype test for Klinefelter. The response I got was I needed to see a specialist, but no referral for a specialist.

I'm now thinking everything connected with gender including the karyotype test will have to go through the local clinic. Actually, with medicare, I don't need a referral.

Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on April 27, 2025, 01:27:02 PMI'm now thinking everything connected with gender including the karyotype test will have to go through the local clinic. Actually, with medicare, I don't need a referral.

Michelle,

It sounds like an exhausting and disheartening experience.

I hope things work out through Medicare or a local clinic that will honor and support your needs.




~ Lilis 💗

You'll likely have better luck on the civilian side of the medical community.  My understanding from my medical  team is that if you are already under treatment, then you'll likely continue receiving it to the extent permitted.

The way around it may be through a therapist.  Maybe even through a VA therapist who's enlightened.  If you are having thoughts of self harm or have recurring thoughts and depression, the VA will hook you up with a therapist.  Suicide is such a big problem amongst Vets that you don't have to have imminent thoughts, just that you do have them.  Gaming the system is simply using the tools they give you.  Depression is another key into treatment.  You have to be diagnosed before the VA will do anything.  If the Klinefelter syndrome is causing you trouble, there are key medical indicators.  You'll just have to knowledgeable and present them to your medical team.  Remember, the VA won't ever initiate treatment.  You have to 'wag the dog.'  But the key into kingdom is through a therapist who can refer you internally though the VA system.

Quote from: Michelle_K on April 27, 2025, 01:27:02 PMAfter my appointment, I was waiting for my referrals,

Use the Secure Messaging app.  Send your expectations through to your PCM provider. 

Quote from: D'Amalie on April 28, 2025, 10:08:05 AMYou'll likely have better luck on the civilian side of the medical community.  My understanding from my medical  team is that if you are already under treatment, then you'll likely continue receiving it to the extent permitted.

The way around it may be through a therapist.  Maybe even through a VA therapist who's enlightened.  If you are having thoughts of self harm or have recurring thoughts and depression, the VA will hook you up with a therapist.  Suicide is such a big problem amongst Vets that you don't have to have imminent thoughts, just that you do have them.  Gaming the system is simply using the tools they give you.  Depression is another key into treatment.  You have to be diagnosed before the VA will do anything.  If the Klinefelter syndrome is causing you trouble, there are key medical indicators.  You'll just have to knowledgeable and present them to your medical team.  Remember, the VA won't ever initiate treatment.  You have to 'wag the dog.'  But the key into kingdom is through a therapist who can refer you internally though the VA system.

Good points, D'Amalie!

Quote from: D'Amalie on April 28, 2025, 10:08:05 AMRemember, the VA won't ever initiate treatment.  You have to 'wag the dog.'  But the key into kingdom is through a therapist who can refer you internally though the VA system.

I didn't know I had to do it like a video game. But have to play it by their rules. I don't have that much experience with the medical system, as I only went to the doctor about every 10 years. That's what happens for having medical negligence growing up.

You have no idea do you. Watching the movie Captain Marvel where someone loses their eye. A scene like that shakes me up. My largest scar goes downward between my eyes. As a child I got into an argument with a raptor (rooster). I have a few scars on my forehead. Luckily, I did not lose any eyes, but still there was no doctor that checked it.

Another was a scene from one of the species movies. With the hay fork, Also the Frankenstein movie. It was not hard enough to puncture my legs, but my cousin has scars. My sister got away with it as I got punished.

We have a severe storm right now. I think I better post this before power goes out.
Michelle

Amazing, right after I post, everything quiets down.

The deal with the hay fork was that, due to the way the scene affected me, I was able to understand that I was not remembering what had really happened. I was remembering what I was told had happened.

Lets discover what it's like to shoot myself in the foot. First of all, it was an ice chisel. I was out on the river chopping a hole in the ice to water the cows. I might have moved and the chisel went through my boot. I continued cutting holes in the ice and took care of my other chores before going to the house for any first aid. My dad was almost there immediately, lecturing me about self injury to get out of doing my chores. I never got to a doctor, so no stitches.

Sorry, kind of rambling again. Just thinking that not caring enough to give me medical treatment, might he do other things that are not lethal.

I think I might have went a round about way to discover that I was taught that we never go to the emergency room.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on April 28, 2025, 03:18:15 PMWe have a severe storm right now. I think I better post this before power goes out.

You are getting now what we got last night. The sky was lit up almost constantly, thunder rolling on and on. Then we got a bit of hail. Overall, it didn't last long. I think we missed the brunt of it. More rain today, but IT'S NOT SNOWING!!!  :eusa_clap:
 

Quote from: Michelle_K on April 28, 2025, 04:47:36 PMAmazing, right after I post, everything quiets down.

I was just watching a news coverage of the weather there. You got hit much worse than we did. We didn't have a tornado, and the hail was much smaller. Glad it calmed down and you are safe.

I started in the morning with a notification on my computer that we were in a tornado watch. There was no notification to my phone. I put off my trip to the bank until tomorrow, when the 40 mile drive should be safer. Then trying to find something to do.

I end up doing the typical autistic thing of cleaning. Some Barbie stuff is in Joe's garage, take it upstairs. while upstairs check on a GI Joe vehicle, accessories might be in a box in the closet. Find Joe's tools in the box, bring them down to Joe's garage. Note that the 1/6th engine valve covers are on the wrong engines. Find a sea salt grinder in the garage, take it to the kitchen. run water through the coffee pot to get hot water to heat the plastic on the sea salt grinder, get the plastic top off the glass bottle.

Finally time to rest and sit in my chair. Run out of coffee, head to the kitchen to refill my cup. Go back to my chair and pick up my cup to refill it.

I've been going through a lot of stuff. trying to clean out Joe's garage to put the jeep trailer in for repairs. Going through boxes found the trailer lights, and now I have the glue to attach the lights. Found about 6 universal tv remotes, and a bunch of pneumatic cylinders. I didn't realize I cold pack so much stuff into the garage. And it is only 2 foot by 2 foot.
Michelle

I don't know if anybody else has driven through the pouring rain, and at some point the rain stops. In front of you is dry pavement. Look in the mirror and it is still pouring behind you.
Same as when I was driving to the twin cities for my appointment. I drove about 20 miles in thick fog and suddenly I had bright sunshine.

I was thinking the storm went south of where I am at.
Michelle

I started out today, got out of town and realized I forgot the checks. Turned around went back to the house and started over. Drove 30 miles to my first stop, renew and update/correct my driver's license. Used my veteran's health id to get veteran put on my driver's license. Everything else went fine. Drove another 10 miles to my bank. Deposited one check, and cashed another. Back to the storage unit, checked a couple of containers and found more photos. Then dropped off my monthly payment.

I got a bit of anxiety on the way to the license bureau. Got to thinking about asthma and anxiety. Just checked - Asthma and anxiety can share similar symptoms like shortness of breath and chest tightness.

Realized later that I forgot to let my hair down for my photo. At least this photo doesn't have a beard. I need to find a birth certificate to get the enhanced license.

Then 40 miles to crossroads mall in St Cloud. Found me some shoes. Then another 50 miles back home.
Michelle

On the way back from St. Cloud, I saw that I was driving by a Hobby Lobby store. I think I will check it out next time I am in the area, unless it is Sunday. Hobby Lobby is closed on Sunday. It seem to me that on a weekday shortly after noon there would be less traffic to the stores, and more room in the parking lot.
The local Hobby Lobby did not have the 2mm sheet plastic that I wanted. I ordered it off of Ebay.

I come up with a crazy idea of finding my old leisure suits, and use them to make patterns. They were polyester. On second thought, after looking at one on Ebay, it would be best to leave it in the past. They had breast pockets but no lower pockets, and snapped up all the way to the neck. I'm still considering the idea of mixing with a jacket and jeans or skirt. At the time it seemed to me to be closer to a feminine stye without actually buying a feminine leisure suit.
Michelle