To each his own, but for me personally - if I was with someone whom I considered to be the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with and my soulmate, I would disclose.  I have disclosed to my wife - if I were on the dating scene, I would not disclose until I was certain that the person I was dating was going to be with me long-term. 

As for everyone else in my life, it's none of their business.

IMO because being trans is a pretty defining thing in my life I wouldn't dream of not telling an SO. Even if later it won't be important, it's affected my past and I want to be able to talk about my past openly. I also would not want to get into a relationship with someone who is not open. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who hated me once I came out, so why would I want to be in a relationship with another who would?

I certainly cannot make a blanket 'right or wrong' statement about my beliefs because it really depends on an individual's view on their past.

Personally for me, I consider that deceptive.  If I'm going to be with a partner for the long haul, I'm going to tell her and if she doesn't want to be with a trans person then so be it.  It will come out eventually somehow and when it does, I wouldn't want my partner to feel as though I was lying to her or couldn't trust her with that information.  Besides,  I would want to talk about my trans experience with my partner so hiding it wouldn't be an option for me.

I think I am going to step  out on this subject as I don't believe anybody got my point, its just the same repetitive thing over and over without the consideration that sometimes the past is best left where it lies.

I probably shouldn't have entered this discussion. Anyway my opinion has been voiced and it appears to have been taken as a grain of salt would.

Quote from: calico on December 05, 2013, 09:48:45 PM
I think I am going to step  out on this subject as I don't believe anybody got my point, its just the same repetitive thing over and over without the consideration that sometimes the past is best left where it lies.

I probably shouldn't have entered this discussion. Anyway my opinion has been voiced and it appears to have been taken as a grain of salt would.

I don't see it as being a salt to a wound. People don't have to fully agree with you to not disrespect you. If someone sees it as being deceptive/misrepresentation to them, it doesn't mean they're putting judgment on you. We're al from different places, different experiences, and lifestyles. I only saw this as people citing their own opinions, as asked for in the OP, not a debate to try to prove others wrong.

I am sorry if I missed your point or if I contributed to you feeling bad.

I am just going to add:

Part of why I have my own view on this subject is from the whole "treat others as you want to be treated" saying I grew up hearing over and over again.

To me, being trans* is a big deal. I'd want a SO to share something that's a big deal, that made a big impact on them with me, and I'd feel cheated if she/he didn't share that with me because they didn't have faith that I'd see them the same way, or still love them. So, if I'd feel cheated by someone hiding something that was a big deal to them from me, it's only fair to consider it being the same for them.

To others here who said being trans* isn't a big deal to them, that's perfectly cool. There's no need to share something that's not a big deal. If I didn't think it was a big deal, and I wasn't afraid of him/her finding out later on, then I wouldn't share.

I also said that I had an experience of my SO both outright lying and hiding something important from me, and I see the result of my SOs bad deeds. I wasn't saying your SO finding out would result in divorce or bad feelings, lots of people find stuff out and become angry for awhile and then work through it. Maybe your SO wouldn't be angry at all, or wouldn't care. Again, it all goes back to your own personal experience, your own judgment, your own way of dealing with things. My experience likely gives me a bias to being more open in relationships.

It's all a matter of opinion and experience. The site is here so everyone can share their opinions and experiences, it wouldn't be as helpful if everyone was too afraid to reply, or is disrespected. And, once again, I am sorry if contributed to you feeling disrespected or not heard.

I apologize as well as I should have been aware of and minded my personal feelings concerning the afore written subject.

It just appears to me that certain circumstance's are not being considered or taken into consideration. That is it is like that as a grain of salt is taken with little to no acknowledgement. I have to keep in mind this is just opinion.

If I perhaps offended anyone I apologize for it as well.

Quote from: calico on December 05, 2013, 09:48:45 PM
I think I am going to step  out on this subject as I don't believe anybody got my point, its just the same repetitive thing over and over without the consideration that sometimes the past is best left where it lies.

I probably shouldn't have entered this discussion. Anyway my opinion has been voiced and it appears to have been taken as a grain of salt would.

I am sorry if you might have felt this way. I for one, completely agree with how you described it in an earlier post. I think you and I are kind of on the same page in regards to this, and others have a right to have their own opinion. Like LearnedHand said, I was asking to hear others' opinions, and that is exactly what I have been getting. I think everyone can learn from the opinions of others, and sometimes someone can say something that may make you see in a different light, but not always. This thread isn't supposed to be telling someone their opinion is wrong, because ultimately it is your own choice.

I was expecting to get many people disagreeing with my opinion and several others', so I am not taking offence to anyone disagreeing. I just like to see others' point of view too!

Hopefully we can continue without arguments.

Quote from: calico on December 05, 2013, 10:15:03 PM
I apologize as well as I should have been aware of and minded my personal feelings concerning the afore written subject.

It just appears to me that certain circumstance's are not being considered or taken into consideration. That is it is like that as a grain of salt is taken with little to no acknowledgement. I have to keep in mind this is just opinion.

If I perhaps offended anyone I apologize for it as well.

I followed the discussion without commenting.  I think people have expressed the opinions based on their own person experiences.  I see no reason for apologies.

Quote from: LearnedHand on December 05, 2013, 10:05:48 PM
I am just going to add:

Part of why I have my own view on this subject is from the whole "treat others as you want to be treated" saying I grew up hearing over and over again.

To me, being trans* is a big deal. I'd want a SO to share something that's a big deal, that made a big impact on them with me, and I'd feel cheated if she/he didn't share that with me because they didn't have faith that I'd see them the same way, or still love them. So, if I'd feel cheated by someone hiding something that was a big deal to them from me, it's only fair to consider it being the same for them.

To others here who said being trans* isn't a big deal to them, that's perfectly cool. There's no need to share something that's not a big deal. If I didn't think it was a big deal, and I wasn't afraid of him/her finding out later on, then I wouldn't share.

I also said that I had an experience of my SO both outright lying and hiding something important from me, and I see the result of my SOs bad deeds. I wasn't saying your SO finding out would result in divorce or bad feelings, lots of people find stuff out and become angry for awhile and then work through it. Maybe your SO wouldn't be angry at all, or wouldn't care. Again, it all goes back to your own personal experience, your own judgment, your own way of dealing with things. My experience likely gives me a bias to being more open in relationships.

It's all a matter of opinion and experience. The site is here so everyone can share their opinions and experiences, it wouldn't be as helpful if everyone was too afraid to reply, or is disrespected. And, once again, I am sorry if contributed to you feeling disrespected or not heard.

Thank you for clarifying and giving me your experience. I can see the view as you may have, and as stated everyone has different experiences and opinions.

let me touch a lil  on my experience and why I don't feel compelled to let my SO know everything.
First the trans is a big deal to me as well but perhaps not in the same way as which you view it. I view it as a big bad deal to me and that if given the option I wouldn't go trough it no matter what. I didn't have a childhood, other than thee little time before 10 than my life was just a joke. moved a bunch ended up going to several mental hospitals, 1 of which abusive, dealing with family issues all while growing up with the view that how I felt was wrong and was going to send me to hell, and that the best option would be to kill my-self. not a good time. my life started when I finally ran away and transitioned and started living full time. I didn't do no try out and see if I liked it I knew what I had to do and I jumped in and have done what was needed to fix my life and my issues in my head which for a while was medicated because it left a form of ptsd on me. only over the last 6-7 years have things patched with my family and we are now good, and over the course of this year things with my mother have finally be fixed and she now  has an understanding of what I went through. and at this point while my family originally was an antagonist of my life they are now there for me, and agree my past is best left alone as all it has is hurt. regrets. and pain. there is so much more but... I have 3 friends total who knew me before and are still around and my old name isn't even a whisper on the wind. same with family.  like I said tis just skims the surface but perhaps you can see why I have the feelings I do. I just want to forget about being trans and move on. its already messed up 20 years of my life. its time for me to finally have a normal life IMO
I hope this makes it a bit more understandable.

I do completely understand the desire to just leave the past alone and live a normal life. I truly do, I sometimes have fantasies about just dropping everything and heading out to a cabin in Wyoming or Montana.

QuoteFirst the trans is a big deal to me as well but perhaps not in the same way as which you view it. I view it as a big bad deal to me and that if given the option I wouldn't go trough it no matter what.

I do just want you to know that, while my childhood may not have been as dramatic (ah that's a bad word to choose but I can't think of another, it's past mid-night here and I am about to go to bed) as yours, that being a trans* kid wasn't pleasant for me either. So, I am not for disclosure because I think being trans* is something that's cool, fun, and makes me unique. Disclosure is just part of my philosophy, and knowing how I'd feel if I was the non-trans SO.

Also, because we all need some more Rafiki in our lives and this is basically my life philosophy in a nutshell (and I posted this recently on someone else's thread so it's still in my mind):



(learning from it doesn't mean you have to tell anyone about it we all have pasts that hurt, it's what we do next that matters)

The origional post asked for our opinion on if not telling someone you are in a relatiionship with that you are trans is lying or not. Now just because someone does not agree with my thoughts on this does not make their opinion any less valid than mine, and vice versa. I respect all others opinions even though I don't agree with them.

The point of a debate is to make the other side see your point of view and to get them to agree with you. And in some cases it's a stalemate and everyone agrees to disagree. As in this thread.
I am now going to step away from this topic as I dont see it moving in either direction.

To the origional poster I wish you well in all your future relationships.

Hugs
Bethany Dawn

OP, you got a ton of opinions! Even in our small community we are a very, very diverse group.

I'll add that I'm not out to offend or put down anyone. To each his own. My father once told me "the only person who has to live with your choices forever is you." I have alway taken that as my personal motto when I make a huge choice. As long as it a choice you can live happily with then that's that.

To the OP, I hope that your future relationships are happy ones. I have been with my husband for ten years, and I love him more every day. I'm a happy man, and I honestly think that if everyone can find that same feeling, the world would be a much better place.

Quote from: CursedFireDean on December 05, 2013, 06:13:33 PM
IMO because being trans is a pretty defining thing in my life I wouldn't dream of not telling an SO. Even if later it won't be important, it's affected my past and I want to be able to talk about my past openly. I also would not want to get into a relationship with someone who is not open. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who hated me once I came out, so why would I want to be in a relationship with another who would?

I certainly cannot make a blanket 'right or wrong' statement about my beliefs because it really depends on an individual's view on their past.

PERFECTLY STATED ! it is a big part of YOUR life. So not disclosing would be so much different for you than for me. Thank you for taking responsibility for your feelings and not thrusting them on someone else.

Casual dates?  No.  Significant other?  Yes.  Not because you are hiding anything, but for me, being in a serious relationship with someone requires extreme trust on both sides.  I'd share with them because it is an important part of my history, which, sadly, may be a dealbreaker for some. I'd rather be dumped from the outset than after a 5-10-20 year relationship because of trust issues even if they would have been fine with the trans thing had I disclosed.

I broke up with my last partner over trust issues.  I disclosed all of my most personal details to him.  He withheld stuff from me.  Having open, honest communication is a must for me in a serious relationship.

Jay

The weight of the 'lie' would prevent me from connecting with the person in the same way as if I had been open.

I can understand the appeal of it, but what a hassle to manage the omissions and substitutions necessary to keep it up in a close long-term relationship. For me, the stress of it would be constricting.

For me it's some what different. I'm a lot older. children aren't in the picture. If a man saw me as a woman who am I to argue. I wouldn't have a problem telling him . I think I'd let the relationship flow and see what happens.

I'd disclose it to my future gf/wife, I think you can loose trust that way and in my case I'm sure a woman would get mad, But that's just me I don't see it as decieving I just see it as their gonna find out sooner or later why not tell her

Personally, if I was post everything - I would not say that I am trans. Instead I can explain it with phrases that are still true, like a birth defect which results in a hormone imbalance, rendering me infertile. The emergency situation has already been answered, and likelihood of having my chromosomes checked in the presence of my partner is close to nil, so why should it matter?

The reason why I wouldn't disclose? I don't want to be viewed relative to my birth sex, because that is the exact opposite of how I want to live in this world. I've encountered a similar sort of thing when changing my name. Before it was legalized, I used it as my preferred name, but still had to declare my birth name in certain situations. Often I'd get people ignoring my preferred name and calling me by the birth name, even when corrected.
It was disrespectful and showed a lack of understanding, which is inevitable when navigating the world as a trans person. It was a relief to get everything corrected so I could go by my chosen name with no questions asked. Hence, I go through the process of transition to be seen completely as my chosen gender and not be tied to my past.

[Edited because comment explosion..]

What if someone who you loved deeply and who returned that love, bought your story about "birth defects", and had a long term relationship or married you, found out the truth? My perspective is that if I were in someone else's shoes and found out something like that I might feel like that person I loved so deeply and thought I knew so well, didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth. The truth has a funny way of popping up.

If you're just after superficial hook ups, I really don't think there's any reason to disclose the truth.