Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on July 23, 2018, 01:07:25 PM
Interesting about your curious brother... do you think that he will tip off the rest of your family before you do your official coming-out announcement?   If so, that might make things a whole lot easier.

@Alaskan_Danielle

     Well, I know from someone that was a party to a conversation that is in the know about me that he and his wife while trying to figure out what is up with me said maybe transgender.  It isn't the sort of thing though that he would ever ask me about directly though. 

     As for the wife, we have been going to couple's counseling previously for non-trans issues.  We were (still are?) a hair's breadth from a divorce, but she wants to salvage it.  We went to one counselor's meeting so far and she wants to do another one.  I tried in earnest so much before to salvage it, but I just don't know if my heart is in it.  You get tired of fighting at some point.  There are just so many unknowns and my life has changed so much in the last 6 months....I just don't know.

    Thanks so much for your encouraging words with the weight loss.  The last couple of days have been bad days with food.

           Julie

     Why have the last couple of days been bad with food?  Not sure, but I have just had this voracious appetite.  I was at Wal-mart and they had an ice cream maker on clearance for $10.  I figured why not and I decided to dabble with some low carb ice cream.  That was a mistake

     I first (wait, there more than one?) created maybe about a quart of chocolate almond.  OMG was it amazing.  Not to be outdone with myself, later that day I made a vanilla almond with a slightly different recipe.  It was also OMG amazing.  Suffice it to say, I ate too much of both. 

     Yesterday was such a bad day that I am fasting today, although with my weight loss regimen, fasting isn't too uncommon with me fasting 2-3 days per week, but today was OBLIGATORY!  No biggie, 1 step back, 2 steps forward.

       Julie

OK Julie, put down the spoon!  Now!  Your weight program has had great results.  I can certainly see it in your photos.  Get back in the groove. 

"I tried in earnest so much before to salvage it, but I just don't know if my heart is in it.  You get tired of fighting at some point". 

You have to really think if its a relationship worth saving.  It appears your wife is willing, but the proof will be in her actions, then on yours.  Best of luck on this front.   

Judi

I have fallen into another pitfall.  Video games.  I used to occupy all of my free time with video games when I was younger.  Generally multiplayer games of the real-time action strategy variety (dota, heroes of newerth).  Video games is probably how I managed to get so far in life and keeping my dysphoria in check...when all you think about is playing the game, you don't have to think about how come you weren't born a woman.  I had quit for several years because it generally took up too much time and on a whim a couple of weeks ago I installed it and have been spending entirely too much time on it since.  There are all of these other things that I am supposed to be paying attention to in my life which suddenly don't seem so important.  Of course I know they are there and are nagging at the back of my mind, but I can always deal with that "tomorrow"...as for right now, "one" more game won't hurt.

I have gone through this cycle several times before...quit for a few years, play hard for a couple of weeks/months.  So here are some things that are falling behind:

house work
exercise
working on transition
actual work (the stuff I get paid for!!)
working on marriage reconcilliation
other stuff not worth mentioning
SLEEP

All of that stuff just doesn't seem important when compared to "just one more game".  When I am not in game mode, I don't want to play video games because I feel like it is a waste of time which is so precious and we don't get back.  But right now in game mode, even knowing how precious time is I just want to play.  The crazy thing is that it is probably MORE stressful because you know things aren't getting done and they still need to get done.  I wish there was an easy way to just flip the switch so as not to be in game mode. 

As if that wasn't enough I am having dietary problems.  My brain works in a similar way with food it seems.  Binary eating mode or non-eating mode.  As any previous readers know I have been doing intermittent fasting.  I have found fasting to be really easy for 24-72 hours by placing myself into non-eating mode.  The problem arises when I go back into eating mode I can't seem to stop.  I will eat a normal meal and feel full and then continue snacking for the rest of the day until I have eaten a ridiculous amount of food.  How can I have so much willpower when I am fasting and just about NONE when I am "eating".  I haven't gained any weight, but I am not losing any. 


So, last couple of weeks I have been kinda humdrum and mostly not feeling to much urgency on the transition front.  That would be great and all except that I think it is mostly from video games consuming about all of my mental energy.  I still have my endo meeting next month which I am nervous about but also looking forward to.  God it is awful how conflicted I feel about things.

          If you made it through all of that, thanks for reading my drivel,

                     Julie

@JulieAllana
Dear Julie....  I read your self-proclaimed "drivel" ....   regarding video game addiction, fortunately that "bug" never bit me.  When I was in college I had several friends that had that same addiction and ended up failing classes and some dropped out.
   
I know that it is hard to quit or to limit your time spent on things like video games, just like any other addiction, but it is a real time killer and if not controlled it can, as you know, be responsible for foregoing other important tasks that should take a higher priority in your life.
 
I will stop preaching at you, but if you can muster your willpower and determination to stop and/or limit your video game time I think that you will find that you will be able to enjoy and take responsibility for your other life tasks and also will help you to make more IRL friends of which we always need more of.

No matter how you decide to proceed I want to thank you for your honest sharing, I will be keeping you in my thoughts and will be looking for your updates.

Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle

Yes as you see, it is an addiction.  There is no "one more".  You seem to understand this so maybe the best thing is to uninstall them again. 

All the items in your list are life critical for success and happiness and health.  Being in "game mode" is a diversion where reality is suspended and time stands still.  You see that is not true when you stop and its late and deadlines loom. 

I have faith in you that you can pull yourself out of this.  As Danielle says thank you for sharing so honestly.  Hugs!
Judi

So, up until now, there hasn't been too much to report.  Just the everyday life happenings of someone who isn't quite sure how they are supposed to fit in the world.  I go to my counselor once a week and we keep basically going over it all.    Every little detail of life has me wondering where I am supposed to go and is the course I have set for myself the correct one.  The next frontier on that course is...HRT...and after an appointment with an endo this morning, I have a prescription in hand.  Before I fill it, I want to bank some sperm and I also have to get approval from my insurance company so that they will cover it.  Looking at the prescription makes me smile and thinking of filling it makes me scared and nervous.  What am I supposed to divine from such emotions? 

I suspect that life is about to get a whole lot different and probably pretty strange from here on out.

On a related note, has anyone every visited the website sexchangeregret.com?  It is hosted by a (former?) transwoman who transitioned and lived as a woman for 8 years and then transitioned back.  (I keep wanting to call him her even though he transitioned back to a man...strange).  I am curious what any or you might think of his website.

Other tidbits:
Seems my video game obsession with Heroes of Newerth has played itself out.  Obviously this is a good thing.  It was a nice little distraction from life for a couple of months and now it is time to get back to facing everything in front of me.

Diet is still ongoing.  Weighing in around 212 right now.  I am still doing keto with intermittent fasting and I am still having trouble flipping the switch from eating mode to non-eating mode on days when I am eating.  I go into the day planning to just eat the appropriate amount and I wind up snacking the whole rest of the day, consuming an exceedingly large amount of calories even though I am not really physically hungry.  It is more of an emotional ravenousness at play here.  This cycle has really stalled my weight loss.  Hopefully I can get my emotions in check and get back on the plan.  Exercise has also stalled due to a knee injury.  I would like to get back on track there as well.

Its funny because everyone that knows me says I don't need to lose more weight.  They only see where I am as compared to where I have come from and they figure that 100 pounds is good enough.  I am looking at fat still on my body and the results from the body composition tests that say I have another 10-15 pounds yet to go.  It seems these last 10 or so pounds are going to be the hardest.

On the wife front, things haven't changed too much.  She still wants to be married to me...but not to a woman...but she supports me on my road to transition.  She gets emotional about all three points above.  She regrets moving out and wants to reconcile.  I am amenable, but I want to take it slow because if this is going to work it can't just be patching it up, it has to be something of a complete rebuild.  She wants to rush back in almost like all of the emotional havoc she caused  never happened.  Oye!  What's a transwoman to do?


       Thanks for reading,
                                  Julie

@JulieAllana
Dear Julie:  
Thank you for coming out of your posting "one month break" and updating all of your followers.
Please rest assured that if you think that there is nothing to report that we still want to hear from you more frequently.... even if it is just about everyday life happenings.

WOW, great news on seeing your Endo this morning and getting your coveted prescription for your HRT....  yes indeed, banking some sperm is a good move, even if you do or do not think that you will utilize it, we never know what the future holds.

Oh, do know, that for most transitioners, the feelings of joy and happiness about HRT can also be intermixed with  being scared, frightened and nervous regarding this big step forward toward your goal, in my personal experience, all of these are normal emotions that come along with the journey.

Hmmm, your comment about the website hosted by a transwoman that de-transisitioned is not something that I want to think about.   Transitioning is such a life changing event that clear thinking and numerous meetings with doctors and therapists are essential in order to avoid things like that.

Wishing you continued success with your diet.... in any diet the last few pounds in reaching your goal weight always seem to be the most difficult but never give up, never surrender.  Whenever one loses a lot of weight there are always "friends" and onlookers that make comments like you mentioned....  perhaps they are envious of your weight loss progress... but certainly at your present weight I wouldn't think that you are in any danger of starving or having anorexia.   Your doctor's advice about your personal weight loss goal is a good thing for you to know.

Regarding your issues with your wife.  It doesn't take too much reading of others threads to see that you are not alone with these kinds of problems.   When a person transitions it is usually most difficult for the spouse for obvious reasons.   Try to continue to be understanding, loving, kind, considerate and going at a pace that your wife can deal with.   Couples therapy might be in order and is usually a good thing to consider doing.

Again, thanks for your long awaited update... please keep us posted.
Hugs and Well Wishes, as always,
Danielle

     Time.  I am finding it true that the older I get, the faster it goes by.  It's absolutely incredible.  I made my endo appointment over two months ago and I thought, "TWO MONTHS, I CAN'T WAIT TWO MONTHS," and here we are a week and a half after my meeting with my endo. 

    In that week and a half, I have made two "deposits" at the fertility clinic and have redoubled my attempts to get the last bit of weight off of me.  I might make one more deposit before starting HRT, so maybe another 4-5 days?  At first I was excited but scared, and now I am experiencing a lull in my desire to medically transition.  This has been one of the things that just fills me with doubt, how my feelings of "trans-ness" ebb and flow.  Throughout all of the questioning and doubt and ambivalence though, I have been moving inexorably towards this like something is pulling me there.  I predicted that I would drag my feet with fertility preservation because of the cost and that it would be a minor roadblock to starting HRT, but I made the appointment within a day of getting my prescription from the endo.    I kinda feel like the nature with which I am moving forward despite the questioning and doubt is an affirming sign about where I need to go.  HRT for me even will be a diagnostic step. 

     I predict that it will make me feel better and that it will help me sort out the conflict in my head, but if it doesn't, then I really get to start figuring out the nature of my affliction.  My whole life I have had some level of dysfunction that has prevented me from really living.  I mean, I go through the motions but I am not really living...just kind of sitting on the sidelines. 

    It is strange that when I first came to terms with being trans back in January, I was so eager and so motivated and so sure.  I was ready to start my life as a female while there is still some youthfulness left.  That eagerness while still there sometimes just seems completely and inexplicably absent other times.  Time will tell, but hopefully not too much time.

    So, I have finally started back at the gym after a knee injury.  It is so hard to make myself go, but once I get in the car, I feel good about it.  Was at 207 yesterday.  Based on height, 200 is probably a good weight for me, but that is probably for a male.  I am always going to be big because I have a large frame...a massive chest and big shoulders.  It is a huge concern for me in how feminine I will eventually be.  That is another "time will tell" issue. 

     For so many years I denied the option of transition for myself because I thought I would never be able to overcome my size.  I would tell myself that if by some miracle I can't be a natural born woman, that I will just have to struggle on as a man and then I would go over all of the perks of being male to try to make myself feel better.  No matter how many ways I could think in my head how much easier being a man can be though, I still always wanted to be a woman. So here I am now saying screw it, it doesn't matter...I will look like what I look like, but it is still something I worry about.  I never want to be seen as a guy trying to be or simply dressed as a woman, but that isn't so much in my control. 

    I bet I get stranger looks now (which I am oblivious to) as I try to adopt female mannerisms than I will actually get when I one day go full time.  I am able to say I don't care what people think when I am in guy mode with more female mannerisms, I just need to be in the same mindset when in girl mode.  It'll all work itself out eventually and I know I will feel better about it with some of the physical changes of HRT.  I just can't wait for male fail.  That will bring a nice big smile to my face.


           So, there is my food for thought for the day.  I hope some of you all find it thought provoking in some fashion. 

                 Hugs,
                      Julie

@JulieAllana
Ahhh, your update finally arrived.  You covered a lot of subject in your everyday life update... and it appears to me that things are progressing nicely... 
Good for you especially regarding your Endo appointment and your continued weight loss progress.... 

Please know that your followers are interested in you life events, even if they are not big and dramatic announcements.  Writing about stuff like this is good therapy for you and can be helpful for the readers....

Thank you again for your latest update.
Please continue to continue on.  We are your biggest fans. 
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle

Ok, so maybe the Northern Blond Bombshell's (you know who you are  ) idea of posting about things other than transitional angst has some merit so I am going talk about something smokin' hot...too bad it isn't me.

     Smokin' hot bbq!  For the last several years me and a friend have been into barbecuing just on the grill, generally ribs with an occasional steak or some sausage, but that is just so mundane.  For the last year or so, I have wanted to dabble with smoking meat, but I didn't have a smoker and attempts to do so on the grill weren't too successful. 

      I had a several hundred dollar gift-card to a sporting goods store from a returned gift and without having anything else to really buy there, on a whim I bought a smoker...the Old Country Barbeque Wrangler II offset smoker, which is the same dimensions as the Wrangler I with one less meat tray and a smaller gauge metal on the lid (also $200 cheaper).  So, I get this beast home (it isn't HUGE, but it is still kinda bulky and a couple hundred pounds) and figure I am going to smoke something for labor day (which was the next day).  Keep in mind, that I really don't know a whole lot about smoking at this point so coming up with a big meal on the smoker to feed some relatives the next day is something of an uncertain proposition.

      I came home from the store with a brisket, some baby back ribs and some catfish (had some in a restaurant once that I really liked).  After reading on the internet about my grill and smoking in general for about four hours, I was totally overwhelmed about how to proceed with my first smoking session.  Best to just get to it as if I wanted it to be ready on the morror I was quickly running out of time. 

      So it turns out you are supposed to season a grill of this sort, just like you would with cast-iron.  As I mentioned above, I was running out of time, so I had to rush through this step.  I got the temperature up to around 300 and applied some vegetable oil all over the smoking chamber and let it cook for around 2 hours while I seasoned the meat with a dry rub.  Then I let the temperature float down to around 225 and put my stuff on.  Apparently one of the number one rules is to NOT PEAK AT THE MEAT, so from around 9PM to around 2 AM every 30-40 minutes I would go outside to check the temperatures and it drove me about mad to not open the door to look at the stuff.  At 2AM, I added a little extra wood and went to sleep.  At 6, I woke to resume checking every 30-40 minutes or so. 

     I pulled everything off at around 11AM, packed it all up and headed over to our labor day gathering.  For a first attempt at smoking, I would say it was fair.  The brisket tasted ok, but I probably could have trimmed it better as there was too much fat on it.  The ribs were also just ok.  The catfish which went on that morning probably didn't get enough smoke because they were rather bland.  All told, my first smoke could use some work. 

    Attempt two was four boston butts (they were on sale for .99/lb) and two racks of baby backs.  I woke up at like 5AM to get the smoker started because a friend was coming over to commandeer my television to watch football (not my thing, but what are friends for), and I wanted the ribs to be ready by lunchtime.  I was better armed with actual pecan logs rather than the chips you buy in the grocery and I got started.  At some point, when I added wood, I let the temperature get away from me and the smoker spent some period of time close to 300 degrees in the middle of the smoke.  This caused the ribs to be overdone and the butts to have too thick of a crust on them.  It wasn't a complete loss, but I knew I could do better. 

     Attempt three was this past weekend.  I went to the grocery armed with my trusty sales flyer and bought some of the meat on-sale, a whole chicken, 2 whole catfish, 2 racks of pork spare ribs and a package of turkey necks.  To prepare, I brined the chicken and turkey necks for about 12 hours (catfish for about an hour) and seasoned up the ribs and got to it.  I was able to keep the temperature down this time.  The ribs tasted really good, but they weren't quite done.  I pulled them off early because I was afraid of overdoing them so they weren't quite as tender as they should have been.  They were also a bit salty probably because I used a little too much seasoning on them, but they were my best showing yet and I enjoyed them.  The catfish were AWESOME and I will definitely be doing more of them.  The turkey necks must have gotten too much heat, because they were leathery on the surface and waaay tough otherwise, decent flavor though.  They will go into the stock pot to become part of a stew.  The chicken came out moist and tender, but not as smokey as I would have liked. 

     So after three smokes, I have learned that I have ALOT to learn.  First, I need to invest in a thermometer with probes that go into the meat while smoking so that I can monitor the temperature without opening the lid.  The thermometer on the pit itself is more of a guide and not indicative of temperatures throughout the smoker.  Second, I need to fine tune the performance of the smoker with tuning plates.  These are bars of steel that are positioned to influence the temperature and smoke currents so that the temperature on one side of the smoker is the same as the other.  I didn't realize just how much of a fine art smoking really is.  I also didn't realize that purchasing the smoker is really only a first investment.  The good thermometers can be expensive and if the smoker leaks at all, you have to buy gaskets AND if you don't want it to rust out, you have to buy a cover for it AND AND I should look into an insulating blanket to keep the temperature in the chamber stable AND AND AND...OY VEY it never ends!!!  I seem to have blundered my way into a full-blown hobby. 

    Hopefully with a little more practice, I will be turning out edible works of art.  I would love to hear anyone else's experience with smoking meat...recipes, tips/tricks, war stories etc... 

           Hugs,
                  Julie

@JulieAllana
Dear Julie:
Thank you for your posting.
Wow, you describing all of this meat being smoked in your new Smoker is making my mouth water.
Just who is going to eat all of this delicious sounding food that you are preparing? ....  please tell me when dinner will be served!!!!!

I know from several friends that there is a "secret" to proper seasoning of the meat and how it is smoked or cooked....  I tend to be a cheap date, hamburgers or steaks on my gas grill works for me but I am willing to upgrade my standards and my tastes.

Thanks again for your detail descriptions of your 3 various "attempts" in your learning curve with your new Smoker.

Oh, and no pictures???

Thanks again for your informative and mouth watering posting....
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle

I'm driving myself crazy over here.  Have had an endo letter for almost 2 weeks now and I still have to wait to start.  One more trip to the fertility clinic (Monday) then I can start.  I was hoping the past one would be the last, but one more.  They have each been 4 days apart and 4 days in the future seems like an eternity now.  Of course, the time will fly by, but here in the moment four days seems like forever. 

So there is that.  Then I have been trying to make myself walk out the door for the last hour to go to the gym.  I keep stalling.  I am dressed and ready to go, but can't quite make myself leave.  If I wait long enough, it will be too late to go.  I wanna hit 200 by Monday when I hope to start HRT which should be lighting a fire under me.  Once I get in the car, all of the procrastinating goes away...must...make...it...to...car.

Anyone have trouble motivating themselves in this fashion?  When I had more weight to lose, I was rushing out the door to go work out.  How do I recapture that flame?

      Stymied,
                 Julie

@JulieAllana
Dear Julie:
Losing weight is similar to most other endeavors that take willpower and termination and for sure the desired results are not achieved rapidly which can erode your motivation.  Basically motivation comes by seeing small results that will encourage us to continue on.   
As in the case of weight loss, when the scales indicate that little by little the pounds are coming off there comes a point that it gets rather exciting to get to weight goals that are significant and then the motivation becomes much greater.... and on and on... it's like an avalanche, it can build and build.

Regarding HRT, lose as much weight as you possibly can BEFORE you start HRT.   I am sorry that you are experiencing delays in getting started.....  I am sure that is very frustrating to you, it would be to me for sure.

Wishing you well, and wishing you the best....
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: JulieAllana on September 26, 2018, 10:14:24 PM
I'm driving myself crazy over here.  Have had an endo letter for almost 2 weeks now and I still have to wait to start.  One more trip to the fertility clinic (Monday) then I can start.  I was hoping the past one would be the last, but one more.  They have each been 4 days apart and 4 days in the future seems like an eternity now.  Of course, the time will fly by, but here in the moment four days seems like forever. 

So there is that.  Then I have been trying to make myself walk out the door for the last hour to go to the gym.  I keep stalling.  I am dressed and ready to go, but can't quite make myself leave.  If I wait long enough, it will be too late to go.  I wanna hit 200 by Monday when I hope to start HRT which should be lighting a fire under me.  Once I get in the car, all of the procrastinating goes away...must...make...it...to...car.

Anyone have trouble motivating themselves in this fashion?  When I had more weight to lose, I was rushing out the door to go work out.  How do I recapture that flame?

      Stymied,
                 Julie

  Alright Julie, I am here on your thread only to find you procrastinating? What's up with that, girl? Get your tailend up off that couch and get out the door to the gym.! Do it, do it , Now! git

Hugs,
Laurie

 Are you still here? get up and get going!

Smoker here. I use a charcoal smoker with flavored wood. The trick is to have a slow fire that burns for a long time. Baby back ribs are about 6 hour project and pork loin are a good 8 hours to get them tender. Brisket would probably be around 10 hours however I haven't tried it because I have a good oven recipe for it that works every time.

If your using charcoal there is a trick. If you fill the pan with unlit charcoal then place a few lit chucks in one corner. It will take most of the smoking time for the fire to burn from one side of the pan to the other and it will provide a constant source of heat.

Quote from: Laurie on September 26, 2018, 10:37:12 PM
Are you still here? get up and get going!

I made it.  By the time you posted, I was on the stairmaster.  I usually just do the ellipital, but I am going on a hiking trip with a friend in a couple of weeks and I need to practice going uphill.  Thanks for the encouragement!

Quote from: Dena on September 27, 2018, 12:14:31 AM
Baby back ribs are about 6 hour project and pork loin are a good 8 hours to get them tender. Brisket would probably be around 10 hours however I haven't tried it because I have a good oven recipe for it that works every time.

Yeah, my last ribs were only on for about 5 hours.  I had some of the left-overs yesterday and while not quite as tender as they should have been, the flavor was spot on.  I want to try pork chops.  Any luck there?  So far I have used pecan and hickory, but the hickory batch was my first attempt and I don't think I did such a great job, so I am not so sure I should use it to judge the taste by.  I am trying to find a good source for logs that isn't too expensive. 

I like your trick with the charcoal.  I haven't used briquettes, but the naturally made charcoal with wood chips, but have also used the pecan logs.  I'll have to try it the way you suggested.

This weekend I am going to do some more catfish and ribs and maybe some fresh sausage that is on sale at the grocery this week.  Any suggestions for sausage?

      Thanks,
               Julie

Quote from: JulieAllana on September 27, 2018, 12:38:02 AM
I made it.  By the time you posted, I was on the stairmaster.  I usually just do the ellipital, but I am going on a hiking trip with a friend in a couple of weeks and I need to practice going uphill.  Thanks for the encouragement!

@JulieAllana Haha Excellent!! Keep going Julie

Sonja.