Quote from: cdalyssa on October 14, 2010, 04:43:05 PM
I started experimenting when I was about 9, by wearing my mothers clothes(no sister only an older brother). I enjoyed dressing up in her bras, dresses, pantyhose and heels, but always felt disappointed that I could never complete the look with make-up. After a year of closeted dressing and sure no one knew, because it was never discussed, I was stunned that when Halloween was approaching and I was deciding on a costume, my mother suggested I go as a girl. Even though I was 10, I did have a guilty conscience, so I was sure my mom knew something and was testing me. So, I did the typical thing and acted disgusted with the idea, thinking she would reveal that she knew my secret and confront me. She didn't. My mom used to make our costumes, so we always had our costumes picked out by mid September so she could make them. This talk happened in August. Well, after my refusal, I was dying inside wanting to accept my mom's suggestion, but scared that if I did my secret would be out.
Well, at this time my best friend was a girl who lived next door. One day we got to talking about Halloween and what we should go as. We always trick or treated together. I said I was undecided and she said she was going to go as a boy. She then said, "since we always T or T together, wouldn't it be cool if you went as a girl. We could pretend to be dating or something." I replied with "are you serious?" However, I knew that's exactly what we would do. I now had a way to accept my mom's suggestion without accepting it. So, I got the courage and told my mom that I would dress up as a girl, since my friend was going as a boy.
That Halloween, was the best ever. I got to indulge my secret in full view of everyone, without them knowing how much I was loving it. My mom obviously did my make-up, what she didn't know was that after she was done, I went to my room and wrote down the name of everything she used. I never wore make-up until that day, so I had no clue what eye shadow or blush or foundation was. I wore a white blouse with big ribbons that needed tying at the collar, a gray skirt, with blue tights and black ballet shoes, oh yeah and a ladies fedora. The clothes were borrowed from my older cousin who out grew them. The only thing bought was a training bra, which we stuffed with tissues. I ended up keeping the clothes even after Halloween. I remember my mom washing them and throwing them in a garbage bag with other clothes she was going to donate, since my Aunt said she didn't need the clothes back. I was tired of wearing my mom's clothes that never fit and the fear of her finally noticing clothes are misplaced, so I decided to take the clothes out of the donation pile. I hid them in the gym back that I kept my soccer equipment in. I was always nervous she'd notice the clothes missing from the bag, but she never did. I was always woke up early, so knowing that, each night I would go to bed in my Halloween costume.
The next time I feared being outed was when I was 15. My parents went to a Christmas party and my brother was supposed to be at a friends house for the weekend. My parents would always call when on their way home, so knew I would have time to change. I had the house to myself, and did what I always did, got dressed. By this point I was back to wearing my mom's clothes because I had out grown my Halloween costume and never considered buying clothes. Anyways, I was all dressed up(minus make-up, only attempted make-up once after Halloween, found it too difficult and time consuming). I was wearing a bra with matching panties, white cocktail dress, white hose, with white ankle high boots with 3" heels. I had longish hair, so I styled it as much as I could to look feminine. I was in pure heaven for about 2 hours, until it almost turned in to hell. Not expecting anyone home for another hour or so, I was frozen with panic when I heard the door that lead to the garage open. I had nowhere to hide and only seconds until the person would walk into the family room and see me as Alyssa. My reaction, I grabbed the blanket that was on the couch and covered myself. Just as I did my brother walked into the room. He questioned why I was covered up since I was sweating and the house was warm. I lied and said I felt sick and questioned why he was home. He forgot a piece of hockey equipment he was going to need the next day. He got what he needed and left again. Once he left I decided to get undressed because my parents could be home soon. Which was the case. I was just opening the door to my parent's room to get undressed when I heard my dad announce they were home. I changed direction and headed to the hallway bathroom. I was able to get undressed and back into my own clothes without any further incident. The only problem was that it took another day for me to have the time to return the clothes to my mom's closet.
It was the Internet that got me busted. Because of circumstances, I attended a local college and to save money stayed with my parents. I had pretty much stopped dressing after the above scenario. I still had the urges, but felt the consequences were too severe. I grew up having a huge crush on Alyssa Milano(inspiration for my name) from the TV show "Who's The Boss?". Well, one day(I'm 21) a movie channel was showing a movie Alyssa did, where she plays a college student who falls in love with a guy who also happens to be secretly cross dressing as her BFF. Seeing this movie really reignited the "Alyssa" in me. Not feeling comfortable dressing in my mom's clothes anymore, I decided to go online. I had done some very brief CD research online before but never to shop. I found a site that specialized in clothing for cross dressers and with much apprehension, ordered my first outfit. I purchased a sexy navy blue mini-dress, fishnet stockings, a starter's make-up kit and a bra & thong set. The package arrived 2 weeks later. Our family's daily schedule guaranteed that I would be home alone to receive the package no matter what day it arrived. What I didn't consider, happened a week later. After coming home from school my mom said we needed to talk in a very serious tone. I had no idea about what. It turned out, that 2 days after the clothes arrived, my father had gone around the house to collect the garbage and in doing so happened to see the tags that I removed from the clothes in my bedroom garbage, which lead to them finding the clothes in a gym bag in my closet. It had taken my mom 3 days after their discovery to confront me, which she did by having everything I bought displayed on the kitchen table. In total shock I just froze and tried to come up with an explanation. I was still struggling with what I was feeling inside regarding my dressing, so when I unfroze I just revealed everything. I was expecting her to say she suspected something, but this caught her completely off guard. To understand cross dressing better and why I did it, I saw a psychologist for about 18 months. I convinced myself, the shrink and my family(I also told my brother) that it was a phase and that I had gotten it out of my system.
Which I did for about 5+ years. Now, I sleep in a baby doll nightie every night, wear panties and hose under my clothes almost daily, and fully dress about 2-4 times a month when my roommate is gone. To this day my family believes that I stopped over 12 years ago.
I want to finish by saying that I missed this place. I joined last month planning on being a regular contributor, unfortunately life got in the way. Everything is back in order again, so I will be a much more frequent visitor.
I have a new story to tell, and why I haven't posted for so long.
While I was looking forward to 2011 in January, my optimism was short lived. As I expected, with great enthusiasm, my roommate moved in with his GF before the end of January, leaving me alone with the freedom to be "Alyssa" whenever I wanted. Which was a lot. I enjoyed the freedom of my new living arrangements for the 1st couple of weeks of February, until the saying "be careful what you wish for" never had more meaning. Late in February my parents, who live 15 minutes away, were having some renovations done on their house, so I decided to let them stay with me for a couple of nights. A big mistake.
I got so used to my freedom during the weeks since my roommate left, that I became a little reckless with my parents around. I figured since this was my apartment, my parents would respect that and not go into my bedroom, so I didn't feel the need to 'hide' my clothes. Well, my parents stay lasted longer than the 2 nights originally planned(5 nights). On the Friday, they went home Saturday, my Mom decided to wash some towels they had used for their showers. The load was small, so she asked me if I had towels to be washed. I said I did. I was cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, so my Mom said she'd get the towels from my room. I was pre-occupied with the kitchen that I didn't think to stop her. Well, she found a lot more than dirty towels when she opened my bedroom door. Wide open was my closet, with my dresses, skirts and blouses taking up half of it in full view. She came into the kitchen with "the look" and I just froze realizing what she had just seen. She said she thought I had stopped "dressing" years ago when I went to therapy. I could do nothing but explain my life since I attended therapy. Her response was silence for a few minutes, then said that she didn't understand cross dressing and was wondering if me letting her go into my room was a subconscious desire to be discovered in a cry for help. I told her that wasn't the case and I just got used to being alone so it didn't cross my mind to stop her. She said she didn't know what else to say, so she was going to her room to read. As she said this I could sense the disappointment and just let her go to her room.
I couldn't sleep the whole night, feeling every emotion you could imagine; fear, relief, guilt, self pity, anger, sadness. Surprisingly the next day, nothing was said by my mother. She and my Dad just packed up and went home. A week later she finally broached the subject when I stopped by their place to see the renovations. She said that she did some online research and even spoke with a psychiatrist, which did help her understand cross dressing a bit better. She also, said that since I was on my own she knows she can't stop me from continuing with it, but that she doesn't want to see me dressed, so she will be sure to call in advance of any future visits.
I left without really saying anything in response. I could still feel tension and disappointment when I left. Even though my dressing was out in the open to my Mom and Dad (I found out later that she told him everything the night she walked into my room), I just couldn't continue dressing and moved all the clothes into the empty bedroom. That was February, now in August the clothes have slowly returned to my closet since late June when I regained my desire and comfort in expressing my female self. I haven't spoken with my Mom about this since that talk back in Feb. and have never spoken to my Dad, even though we still see each other at least once a week.
It is interesting to me, that in all the times my secret has been discovered and rediscovered, it has never been when I was actually dressed. I sometimes still have fantasies and daydreams about how my parents would react if they ever did see me as "Alyssa."
As you can see I have a new profile picture, which was taken back in Feb before my Mom's discovery. The picture is from a makeover session I treated myself to as a present for my roommate moving out.
