Susan's Place Transgender Resources

As some of you may have seen in my intro thread, I mentioned that I am, as of January 2017, about a year along in my transition. I kept a journal from the very beginning and will post the entries from it, one by one (over time, so as to not cause a deluge) in the days to come - up until I run out and the rest will be in realtime. I'll keep to the original text as much as I can with the exception of changing names to protect the innocent and other details that would be against the rules. For the shorter entries, or the ones that I wrote on the same day, I'll post them in groups.

Without any further delay, here's the first one from the day I had made my choice to start HRT. I'm not going to lie, I started out dosing myself for the first few months, mainly for two reasons - to see if what it was like and to see if I could handle it.

November 27, 2016
The order from {REDACTED} arrived yesterday. I took my first of the 90 {REDACTED} tablets I ordered. I also applied the first of the 8 {REDACTED} patches.

The first step is taken. So begins the journey.


December 1, 2016
Working remotely today. My chance to just put on some comfy clothes, enjoy my coffee and work from my comfy couch.

While browsing the Cat Protection Society website, and looking at pictures of the cats they shelter, I ran across something that caught my attention. It was a crayon drawing by a little girl of the cats in the shelter finding their forever homes. With almost no warning, my eyes went from misty to teary, to weeping and racking sobs that must have gone on about half a minute. After I recovered more or less and blew my nose, I momentarily thought I should have felt shame at the whole event. Instead, I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Maybe it was the therapeutic effect that crying has for people. I don't know. What I do know is that I felt not shame but joy - actual joy at such a free flow of *positive* emotion for a change, instead of rage or anger or any of the other highlights from the male emotional lexicon.

Is it the estrogen or the freedom of expression I've been building over the past several weeks? Maybe a little of both.

I'm writing this after the fact, actually on December 17th, after deciding I should have a diary in which to write these things down. I find it a surprise at not only how quickly I was to not only embrace something as (inherently, stereotypically?) feminine as keeping a diary but also how I seem to regard the idea as a no-brainer.

Maybe it's another format of "pressure-reliief valve" women have which I'm just starting to figure out.

I have soooo much catching up to do, but one thing at a time.

Baby Steps.

Hi Cassie,

   Just thought I'd say, you are exactly on week ahead of me on hrt and started the same way. Cooooool.
  You're a bad girl I see. ;D

Hugs,
   Laurie

December 17, 2016
Today, I thought about how I should tell her (my wife). I want to wait until after Christmas just in case her reaction is not a positive one. It hurts to keep this up but I'm afraid I could ruin what may be our last holiday together. I love her so much and want desperately to throw myself on her mercy and hope for the best but I have to wait. Yeah, I'm good at waiting, especially when something potentially unpleasant is at stake.

Instead, being tired anyway, I used that as an excuse to go upstairs and lay down. I read a bit more but was plagued with the thought of holding back the "Big Reveal". The more I thought about it, the more I felt the tears trying to come out. I wanted to feel this and it only took a little push (or release, maybe?) to pass the tipping point at which the real tears started to flow. I sobbed into the pillow for a few minutes, still not fully letting go because the downstairs door was open and I feared she might hear me and start asking questions I wasn't prepared to answer. Because of this, I held back what felt like could have been an avalanche of tears, but I think I really wished I could have just let go and wailed out loud for as long as I needed to. Because of that, I don't think this episode had quite the cleansing effect as the last one but I did feel a good deal better afterward.

I know that holding back like that is just out of decades of habit, so I can't really be too hard on myself for it. Maybe, hopefully some day I can be free to just feel what I need to feel.

Baby Steps.

Quote from: Laurie on January 08, 2018, 05:26:30 PM
   Just thought I'd say, you are exactly on week ahead of me on hrt and started the same way. Cooooool.
  You're a bad girl I see. ;D

Yes I'm a bad girl, in some respects but I ended up doing the right thing after a while. Overall, I'm trying to be a better person in the other aspects of my life. I can't change the past but I can learn from it and try not to repeat it.

You do know Stephanie is a bad influence? And that is even when she isn't flying high.

Laurie

December 18, 2016 - 9:53pm
Plans laid and plans ever changing.

We had originally planned to build our - basically, retirement home on our land up north. I hadn't even given any consideration to my current situation. Where we had planned to settle is one of those small towns with some kind of Baptist Church located about every 25 feet in any direction. At one point, I was confident that we could blend in with the people and culture there and have a happy retirement. Back then, I was still making what seems to be my last go of trying to be the type of person genetics had decided I was to be.

I love the peace and quiet of the rural areas, and especially the fact that people pretty much leave each other alone. That is, so long as one is seen as a reasonable fit for the community. Being seen as an outsider can provoke any of a number of negative reactions as evidenced by any societal group. They can talk all they want about being open but when the proverbial rubber hits the road, that's when reality sets in.

This is a fact not lost on her since I came out (sort of) to her as a cross-dresser in June or July of 2016. Since then, I have been wearing almost exclusively female clothing and jewelry around the house and in bed. It feels somehow comfortable - not so much in a sense that it feels good, but more that it feels *right*. I'm more at ease with myself this way and much more freely giving of affection.

The issue with where we had wanted to retire, is that I'm to a point that I don't want to hide myself any more. I've been testing the boundaries of what I can get away with as far as going out. I haven't been bold enough to go out fully dressed and made up but I have gone with the girls (breast forms) along to the bank drive-thru to make a deposit. From the third lane of the bank drive-thru, I figured there wasn't much chance of  being read, especially with a guy manning the window. Thankfully, guys don't pay much attention to gender perception. The irony of the situation is that if one is "read" by a woman in day-to-day activity, not much will really happen. However, being read by a guy can provoke any reaction from a brief raise of the eyebrows to an episode of ultraviolence. Guys don't like to be deceived, especially when it concerns orifices in which they would like to stick something. When they get the idea that there may be an available orifice of the kind they prefer, they are generally not able to handle the realization that the target they have selected does not have an available franchise of their "Preferred Orifice". The more "alpha" a male is, the more poorly (or, violently) they react.

I'm going off on tangents more rapidly than particles in a nuclear reactor right now, it seems. I started writing this stuff last night as a sort of an outlet and it seemed like a good and natural (dare I say, therapeutic?) thing. Throughout the course of this writing, I have gone through two glasses of fifteen-year-old single malt and am considering going a third because I'm actually enjoying this very much. Though this may only serve as reading material for some future version of me (who is hopefully addressed as ma'am) (Author's note: As that "future me", I am reading this and I do get addressed as "ma'am" now). I can remember times when I used to hate writing assignments back in school. Maybe it was because I had to stick to a single subject or something to that effect. Some assignments, I turned in a series of blank pages and yet others, when I can get started and just let the words flow, some kind of magic happens and I turn I to some kind of unicorn, farting the most eloquent, meaningful literary rainbow ever seen by a high school teacher. (Hey, if I don't toot my own horn, who will?)

All things considered, this is where I am now and I have a more clear idea of where I want...no, where I need to go. I can't hold it back any more.

December 18, 2016 - 11:10pm
The long hard road ahead.

Am I really, as the term-du-jour seems to be, best described as a trans-woman? I've been struggling with that concept (if not in those exact words) for a very long time and always explained it away to myself as a passing interest, a brief sexual thrill which ends at the moment of orgasm, allowing my "macho self" to reassert itself and cast away any of those "deviant" thoughts.

I've read some of the accounts of other trans-women who have run the entire gauntlet from conflicted feelings to realization to transition to the logical final step of surgery to correct whatever it is that genes or nature, or nature *and* genes couldn't get right. (You had ONE JOB, darn it! ONE, and you managed to foul it up anyway!)

Most of the accounts I've read so far  have described the author as so sure from early on who they are and what gender they are on the inside. I can't help but be more than a little jealous of some who started their transition early on in life and have come out of that situation as strong, confident women who basically took on the entire world and came out on top. Starting down the same path this late in life, I can only hope to fill a tiny fraction of their shoes (with my enormous feet). Still, as the saying goes, the best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The next best time is today.

This is my today.

(That last little bit was particularly moving to myself and I cried a little when I wrote it. I'm still getting used to the concept of how crying is more than just debilitating emotion that serves no purpose other than to get in the way. I feel like such a fool for having ever thought that but, like a lot in the philosophy department, we will only understand something  when we are ready to understand it. My only regret is,   naturally, that I couldn't understand it sooner but that is tempered with joy that I am growing to understand it now. Even that idea is making me tear up again, but I'm perfectly okay with that.)

I keep thinking back to a scene in the movie, "Short Circuit", in which Ally Sheedy tells Steve Guttenberg that he is "the dumbest smart person she ever met". When my thoughts drift in these directions, I feel like I have my own Ally Sheedy telling me just that.


December 18, 2016 - 11:58pm
So much to tell.

I've been tumbling all of this around in my head for a long time now - probably since the time when devices such as the one on which I'm writing this were merely the stuff of science fiction.

In retrospect, the subject line, "So much to tell" leaves a literary Grand Canyon sized gap to fill with words. My fault for choosing those words, so what the heck, I'll try and fill in  that gap with some eloquent language.

I started self-medicating with estrogen and finasteride  (a DHT blocker) about 21 days ago. I'm not sure why, but it just seemed like what I needed to do next. As far as transition goes, I may be going about the whole thing ass-backwards. I'm given to understand that the procedure generally involves talking to a psychiatrist who specializes in gender issues before (maybe) being officially diagnosed with gender dysphoria and prescribed hormones for transition to what is perceived to be one's true gender. Maybe I haven't taken that last step because I'm afraid I might instead be diagnosed as some kind of "gender tourist" who only skirts the boundaries between genders in order to satisfy some carnal desire and once the point of orgasm is reached, goes back to his "Regularly Scheduled Programming".

To have that exact situation unfold would, in my heart, be devastating. I want so much to not be the person I described above, but in my own biased opinion of myself, I can never be sure without some kind of outside affirmation. This is the age-old choice to be made between knowing for sure or remaining blissfully unaware of the world.

I believe it's once again time to make the choice between the red pill and the blue pill. It's time for me to take the red pill, I think. Ignorance is bliss only if you are a character in Shakespeare's play where your every thought, word, and deed is carefully mapped out for you to follow.

I feel like I want so desperately to go tumbling down the rabbit hole and see just how deep the rabbit hole goes. I have to go about it rationally though, in spite of the impulse to just dive in headfirst and deal with the consequences later.

I need to take Baby Steps.

Quote from: Laurie on January 08, 2018, 05:41:40 PM
You do know Stephanie is a bad influence? And that is even when she isn't flying high.

Nonsense! Stephanie is a sweet innocent woman who is just expressing herself...I'm sure.:D

Quote from: SassyCassie on January 08, 2018, 05:59:20 PM
Nonsense! Stephanie is a sweet innocent woman who is just expressing herself...I'm sure.:D

Thank you ma'am. May I have another?

With friends like this, who needs enemas?

Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 08, 2018, 06:08:26 PM
Thank you ma'am. May I have another?

With friends like this, who needs enemas?

Stephanie

Sometimes I think you are your own worst enema

Quote from: Cali on January 08, 2018, 06:11:07 PM
Sometimes I think you are your own worst enema

I'm going to curl up behind the fridge now.


- Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 08, 2018, 06:27:31 PM
I'm going to curl up behind the fridge now.


- Stephanie

On top of dear, on top!

I want to know how she got down. Cassie probable took pity on her and  helped.

Well, Cassie you are still doing pretty good at telling my story.

Quote from: Cali on January 08, 2018, 06:28:37 PM
On top of dear, on top!

The tough love was starting to feel more tough than love. People could still see me on top and continue to abuse me, so I wanted to get out of sight. It was time to take a break.

Quote from: Laurie on January 08, 2018, 07:22:15 PM
Well, Cassie you are still doing pretty good at telling my story.

Based on the timeline in your signature, it certainly looks that way!

Hi, Cassie.

I missed your introductory thread, but I am getting caught up now.  It is a pleasure to meet you and read your story. 

I'm the normal one around here.  (If my wife heard me say that, she'd burst out in hysterical giggles!  :D )

Kathy

Quote from: KathyLauren on January 09, 2018, 08:00:32 AM
I missed your introductory thread, but I am getting caught up now.  It is a pleasure to meet you and read your story. 

I'm the normal one around here.  (If my wife heard me say that, she'd burst out in hysterical giggles!  :D )

Nice to meet you as well, Kathy!

I know what you mean! If I went around describing myself as "normal", at best I'd get odd looks from the people who know me the best. :D

December 21, 2016 - 1:22pm
Simulation

For the longest time, I felt like I don't actually feel anything emotion-wise. As time went on, I felt like I've learned enough about interacting with people that I can know what emotion should be displayed and what words are proper to say. Like Rube in Dead Like Me said in one early episode: "I make my face look a certain way and words come out".

At some point in the mists of distant childhood, I remember having feelings. When I think about it, I can remember those feelings being stomped on by others if they were too visible. I had a few friends, to be sure, but for the most part, I was distrustful of others and kept a tight grip on any emotions that may be seen by others as an opportunity to do some stomping. Anger always broke through though, I guess because that was one of the few that was...expected? Allowed?

I must have gotten so used to maintaining that grip that when I got involved in  a serious relationship, every "I love you" came out sounding so hollow and disingenuous each time I said it. Still, it was expected during certain interactions, so I simply added that to the simulation that was me.

In the early 2000's, I adopted a kitten from Animal Control. He was tiny and sickly at first, but with enough care, he grew up to be a 25 pound teddy bear. Over the years, I found myself developing a genuine love for that cat. I thought it must just be some advanced form of the simulation working it's way into my brain and just went with it.

It wasn't up until recently that I've had cause to question that theory - that maybe this "advanced simulation" is the real me breaking free from  the prison it was rudely shoved into all those years ago. Because all of these emotions feel good and genuine, I want to be free to let everything out, for better or worse. This part of the female experience is one I want to fully embrace like a long-lost sister.


December 21, 2016 - 11:35pm
Procrastination

I keep looking forward with a mix of uncertainty and trepidation to the day I have the talk with her. I'm putting it off until after the holiday but I'm trying to be mindful of my own bad habit of delaying unpleasant things until they pass the "awkward" stage into "not gonna do it".

This is too important to let that happen.
I can't let it happen.
I won't.

Quote from: KathyLauren on January 09, 2018, 08:00:32 AM
I'm the normal one around here.

A quiet snicker emanates from the top of the fridge

Hey Cassie, you should go with me to visit Kathy when if the weather warms up in Nova Scotia. She's got an observatory! And #stormchips!

Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 09, 2018, 09:26:49 PM
A quiet snicker emanates from the top of the fridge

Snickers bars don't count as real chocolate.

Quote from: KathyLauren on January 10, 2018, 01:57:08 PM
Snickers bars don't count as real chocolate.

+1 for Kathy!


- Stephanie

Yes Kathy but they still taste good when the real thing is not available.

Cassie, I love hearing your story. So many of us can tell the same tale with different words and players but reliving the feelings brings both tears and strength to each of us. But enough with the cliff hangers...please! I was never any good at eating a chocolate treat one nibble at a time.

Tia Anne

Quote from: Anne Blake on January 10, 2018, 03:22:40 PM
Cassie, I love hearing your story. So many of us can tell the same tale with different words and players but reliving the feelings brings both tears and strength to each of us. But enough with the cliff hangers...please! I was never any good at eating a chocolate treat one nibble at a time.

I didn't want to just unleash a deluge of stuff upon the forum. It's so active here and there's so much to read! Besides, once I catch up with real-time, the journal entries won't be coming quite as frequently. Early on, I was writing in it a lot, mainly as an outlet because I had absolutely no one I could talk to about any of that stuff. As I came out to more and more of my friends, I at least had someone to share these things with. Still, to this day I keep writing the more significant stuff in my journal.

Should I finish each one in a dramatic 1930's radio announcer voice? Maybe I should say something like, "Tune in tomorrow for the next thrilling episode of 'Cassandra's Tale', brought to you by our friends at Ajax!"

On a more serious note though, what you mentioned reminds me of a notion I had the first time I had actually interacted with any trans folks. It was at the first T-Network gathering I went to last year - the same group through which Steph and I met. I realized that even though we were all at different stages of our journeys and came from myriad backgrounds, we all hit many of the same waypoints - crossdressing, wardrobe purges, overcompensating, etc.

I won't keep you in suspense for too much longer. ;) Stay tuned for the next episode this evening!

December 25, 2016
Still trying to hold it together for another few days. It's not easy.

I just had another breakdown. It's been simmering since yesterday and finally, the dam broke just a few minutes ago.

December 26, 2016
The first step.

Well, I did it. We had "The Talk" tonight. I was fumbling for a bit and probably oversimplified some things, but it turned out to not be the disaster I was so terrified of. I bawled my eyes out at a few points early on but we were communicating at least. She took it better than I expected but then again, this is just a first step.

I feel better now. The prospect of this talk has been weighing on me for some time now.

December 28, 2016 - 12:06am
I sent a request for information to {Local therapist}'s office this afternoon. No reply as yet but they might still be off for the holidays.

The next batch arrived from {REDACTED} today. My last {REDACTED} ran out yesterday afternoon, but I started on the {REDACTED}'s today. Only a day's delay shouldn't be much of a shock, if any. I can't help but still debate the wisdom of continuing this way, but I don't want to give up yet.

December 28, 2016 - 11:28pm
I guess I spoke too soon.

She blew up on me tonight, all platitudes of understanding gone right out the window. She brought up several instances in which I made some rather impulsive choices - one of which was buying the property up north. She said she was so pissed at me for buying it but didn't say anything because it was my money I spent.

She also asked me if I had even thought about asking if it mattered what she thought about this decision I was making. I froze, and my non-answer was taken for just the answer she seemed to have been expecting. The response was, "That's what I thought."

She went into how she feels like the rug got pulled out from under her and how all of the plans for our future have suddenly been thrown away. It's as though we were retiring next week or something like that.

What also came up was what she gave up to be with me, primarily the whole having kids thing, and that I had made it clear that I didn't want any kids and she learned to live with that. I didn't want any kids because I was afraid what my temper might drive me to do to them. I don't want to perpetuate a cycle of the same type of upbringing I had. The words had the desired effect in making me feel like such a {EXPLETIVE} after all of what she sacrificed out of love for me. Everyone in her family has lots of kids and in some cases, grandkids, so I can see the kind of pressure that might be bearing on her.

I suggested that we could still have a life together if I did decide to go through with the transition, but that was met with the brick wall of her family never being able to accept us as a couple that way. That and she "wanted a husband, not a wife". That struck a chord with me and after some pondering, I have to wonder if she's even in love with *me* or just what I represent - stability, normality, a future together that could be depicted on any of a number of TV commercials peddling some kind of IRA or investment portfolio.

In the end, she basically threw down the gauntlet and issued an ultimatum that I had to choose between "us" or me and that there were no other options. This backed me into a corner and brought not an insignificant amount of pressure to bear.

Wow Cassie, tough times! So many times the stories on Susan's come out real time and we can offer support and compassion, with your writings being just over a year old it is sad reading. Your name of SassyCassie and the happiness in your photo and online comments suggests that you have made it through these struggles stronger than ever. At the point of writing, Dec of '16, did you have any support to turn to? It sure makes me want to hug you now! I am just so glad that you are growing through this all.

Tia Anne

Hi Cassie, I'm Jayne. It's a pleasure to meet you. I have just caught up on your thread. Seriously, have you been stalking me? About 90% of what I've read of your story so far could be about me. You also have a talent with words. Much of what you have said is exactly how I have felt put into the perfect choice of words.

Oh, and don't be fooled by Kathy's claim to being normal. It's something she tries to pass off to others, but we know better. She is just as nutty as the rest of us! [emoji12]

Jayne

Quote from: Anne Blake on January 11, 2018, 10:37:49 AM
Wow Cassie, tough times! So many times the stories on Susan's come out real time and we can offer support and compassion, with your writings being just over a year old it is sad reading. Your name of SassyCassie and the happiness in your photo and online comments suggests that you have made it through these struggles stronger than ever. At the point of writing, Dec of '16, did you have any support to turn to? It sure makes me want to hug you now! I am just so glad that you are growing through this all.

It was a sad time, to be sure. The night I came out to her, I told her in a voice racked with sobs that I had held off on telling her for the past week because I didn't want to ruin the holiday and I was afraid it would be our last Christmas together. At the time I wrote that, I hadn't come out to anyone else, not even my closest friends, so I really had no one to talk to about this. When I tried to talk more to my wife about it and share some of the books I had read, she wouldn't hear of it. I wasn't even seeing a therapist yet either, so really the only outlet I had was my journal. What a help it was back then too!

Thank you for the offered hug! I never turn those down! I'm still going through my own ups and downs as you can imagine, so I'll have plenty to share in the days to come.

That picture has a story to it as well, but that will be for a future post during which I talk about the weather.  ;)

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 11, 2018, 01:18:44 PM
Hi Cassie, I'm Jayne. It's a pleasure to meet you. I have just caught up on your thread. Seriously, have you been stalking me? About 90% of what I've read of your story so far could be about me. You also have a talent with words. Much of what you have said is exactly how I have felt put into the perfect choice of words.

Hello Jayne, nice to meet you as well. Thank you for taking the time to read my story so far, amid the volume of other material on this forum! Sadly, this part of the story does seem to be all-too-common for folks such as we. I can't help but be a tiny bit jealous of people whose relationships not only survive but thrive after one partner transitions to their true self. That singular, pivotal event though, when she laid into me and gave it to me with both barrels, highlighted a lot of other things that were wrong with our relationship yet had gone unaddressed for a number of years. We're still friends, however we're still legally married and yesterday was our 6 year anniversary. It was celebrated with mutual silence.

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 11, 2018, 01:18:44 PM
Oh, and don't be fooled by Kathy's claim to being normal. It's something she tries to pass off to others, but we know better. She is just as nutty as the rest of us! [emoji12]

I can probably fit in here without too much effort, then. On Facebook, once or twice a month, I post thoughts under the heading of  "Musings of a Perfectly Sane Cat Lady". :D

December 29, 2016
It's on the calendar.

No reply from {Local therapist}'s office, so I contacted {Second Local Therapist}, who got back to me quickly via text. I have an appointment set up to see him on Friday, the 6th. I'll be paying out-of-pocket with my FSA card, but that might not be a bad thing on account that it keeps this off the books with the insurance company.


January 3, 2017
It's been really hard to concentrate on work today.

This thing is consuming so much of my thought process, I'm barely able to function right now. Hopefully getting some of it out here will help.

I'm so worried at this point as to what the future may hold. Is it a peaceful paradise, filled with bunnies and chirping birds? Is it a barren wasteland of regret, filled with missed opportunities and choices that should have been made long ago?

All I see right now is a yawning chasm of uncertainty looming ahead. Maybe I need to try harder on what I can do right now and that is to use work as a distraction.


January 5, 2017
Another rough day.

Had another day with difficulty in concentration. I guess these are mood swings brought on by the estrogen. I'm sitting on the porch with my cat and got to thinking about how anyone could just kick out such a good little friend like him. Started crying again and thinking how cruel people can be and at the same time how lucky I am to have had such an awesome friend just show up on my doorstep those few years ago. Here I go again. 😭

I had another cat who was my little buddy for about 10 years. He was with me through some pretty hard times. Unfortunately, he suffered liver failure at the end of those years. I still miss him terribly. Maybe we're sent companions like these when we hit our rough patches in life, when we really need them.

My first therapy appointment is tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it with equal measures of hope and dread, though I know most of that is just fear of the unknown.

OMG Cassie, with every diary entry you have posted, it reminds me of myself. The exact same thought process, even to the point of me paying for my therapist out of pocket to keep it off the books. Wondering what the future holds, the fear, wondering what could have been, distracting myself. It is probably a story that most of us have experienced in our own ways.

I am sorry you have had to experience these difficult times. Nobody should ever have to go through that. At the same time, I am reading this thread with great interest. You have a great talent with words. If you remove the reference to cats, you could rename this thread to "Jayne's Tale - The Making of a Brave New Girl".

I won't keep posting how much I can relate to your story, but I am sure I will feel that way with each new post you make.

Jayne

 Cassie you have me spellbound waiting to read more.

Hugs,
  Laurie

January 6, 2017
Had my first appointment with the counselor today.

In spite of my initial trepidation, it went very well. I felt comfortable opening up to him almost immediately.

At first, I said I didn't know how this was supposed to work. He told me to think of it as a job interview and that I'm interviewing him as a prelude to hiring him as my therapist. With that, we got started with a little question and answer session then we got into more detail about my past.

After conversing about various things, touching upon my decision to use the desire for transition at the very least as motivation to exercise more and eat less and lose weight in the process. I figured if my conclusions were off-base and there was something else deep down that was the actual issue, I'd still be in better physical health. That's never a bad thing, especially after letting myself go for so many years.

It turns out that my feelings were pretty much confirmed regarding my being transgendered. I don't know whether it's something I knew deep down inside but refused to accept until recently or maybe I was just  unable to see it. I find myself wishing I had figured all of this out 20 years ago but then again, I would probably not have had all the moments of pain and joy I experienced during that time. If, as they say, our experiences shape who we are, I would be an entirely different person now, gender notwithstanding.

In the end, I had already decided that this therapist could help me and we agreed to set up regular sessions.

As an aside, he asked what medication I was on a and the only one I mentioned was the lisinopril. I didn't mention the {REDACTED} or the {REDACTED} patches, though I should bring that up next time.

January 7, 2017
I've been getting a bit more bold with the makeup.

The week before last, I had a zit show up on my chin, probably due to hormonal changes. Maybe that means my skin chemistry is starting to shift? If so, that would mean it's not by far the last zit that will be making an appearance.

Anyway, to cover it up or at least subdue it's glaring redness, I used a little bit of that foundation I bought a while back. I just used a tiny amount and blended it in until the skin was a nice and even tone. I liked the result at that point, as opposed to the previous times I used that foundation and apparently used too much. I realized the old principle of less-is-more and kept that in mind on subsequent mornings where I used foundation to cover more and more of my face. Friday, I used the pink-tinted primer on my facial hair areas (the Homer Simpson muzzle, in other words) and blended out the foundation over it to cover everything below my eyes. I think it turned out pretty well and gave me a nice even skin tone. I thought it then looked odd with so little color in my cheeks but I'm not ready to go to work with foundation *and* blush on. The guys may not notice but the women at work certainly will.

This morning, I did my entire face with foundation  (still no blush) and my favorite neutral lipstick. I think I'm getting better at this stuff. 😙

January 8, 2017
It's all about security.

Something occurred to me just now.

Maybe my having gotten into the information security field is because keeping things hidden has become such a way of life for me. At this point, it's become second nature - more akin to breathing than something that requires conscious effort.

Now, I get paid to help others keep things hidden. 

January 8, 2017
Watched the first episode of Emerald City tonight.

Very good show so far.

There was a bit of a twist toward the very end where the boy, "Tip" is rescued from the Apothecary and escapes into the woods with his friend Jack and a small supply of the medicine being given to him. The scene begins with Jack looking for Tip and he spies someone wearing Tip's jacket. He gives chase and after cornering the supposed jacket thief, he sees that Tip has turned into a girl.

My first thought at that revelation was, "Oh, crap."  I wonder what my wife is going to make of that - if she's going to make the connection between that and my situation.

January 12, 2017 - 1:17am
Teetering on the edge.

It's late so I need to be brief but I wanted to get this out.

I wonder if the estrogen I've been taking serves the purpose of being that final push I needed into acceptance of who I really am. Given the potential risks of monkeying with body chemistry, I'd say it was more of a shove. Maybe a subconscious desire to show the controlling side of me just what potential I'm keeping locked away.

January 12, 2017 - 11:59am
Self-use of pronouns...

It just occurred to me this morning that I've never really felt comfortable in referring to myself as a guy. No, "if you need anything, I'm your guy" or "back when I was a little boy..."

It also grated on me when someone addressed me as, "young man", though that was generally in a school setting and most often preceded something said in a condescending manner.

I remember the awkward feeling having never fully gone away when people started to address me as "sir" either.

January 12, 2017 - 10:11pm
Mistaken identity or not?

Tonight when we were having dinner at Tijuana Flats, one of the servers came to our table and asked, "Are you ladies still doing okay or do you need some refills?" She was standing off to my left and could only have seen my face in profile. I was delighted to be addressed that way, but didn't want to turn toward her and elicit the usual apology for calling us both ladies, but I felt like I was being rude as hell.

Earlier that day, I wanted to tell the cashier that she had pretty eye makeup. She seemed to be having a crappy day, and it may have helped but I was afraid it might come off as creepy. I'm kind of sorry I kept quiet but you never know.

Quote from: Laurie on January 11, 2018, 11:14:20 PM
Cassie you have me spellbound waiting to read more.

Sorry about the delay in posting - it's been a busy day today, partially in preparation for what is sure to be a busy and emotionally draining weekend. I posted several more, just in case I'm too wiped out to post any more over the weekend.

Jan 17 2017, 03.48pm
Second appointment today.

I'm just going to go for full disclosure this time so there won't be any issues or misunderstandings going forward. I came here for help and I shouldn't hold back anything that may be crucial to progressing down my chosen path.


Jan 20 2017, 10.33pm
My wife and I had another discussion tonight after going out with some of my coworkers.

The highlight of this one was a question that was asked:

When she asked me if I had fun tonight, I said, "Yes".

When she asked me if I would have "had more fun in tits and a dress" I said, "It would have been about the same."

She shot back, "Then why do you want to change?"

"This isn't about having fun," I replied.

I couldn't help but feel put off by her effort to compress all of my motivations into a simple, neatly wrapped box. I decided to start winding down the conversation at that point.


Jan 15 2017, 11.04pm
Anniversary dinner at the Cloak and Blaster.

We went and had dinner at the Cloak and Blaster tonight for our anniversary. I have to say, it was refreshing to be among Nerds and Weirdos again. It's been such a long, long time. I forgot what it was like.

Jan 21 2017, 07.45pm
Plumbing with the girls.

Among other things today, I replaced the faucet in our upstairs kitchen. The difference between this job and others in the past is I was totally en femme through the whole thing. I had on what I affectionately call my "hoochie mama shorts" and a pink cami over my 42C fake breasts.

What I learned from this experience is that I should have taken apart the drain pipes from the get-go. I only did this when installing the new faucet - I removed the old one via some contortionist action and more than a little profanity. What I find notable about that is, though I may have been swearing like a sailor, I was never truly enraged over the situation. Ordinarily, I probably would have broken something out of frustration.

For the installation of the new faucet, I did pull out the drain pipes and drop the disposal. That made the job soooo much easier.

I never really lost my cool during the whole job and I'm pretty proud of that. I have a feeling that I can thank the girlie go-go juice for that. 😉

Another observation I made is that I can't fit my upper torso into a sink cabinet with 42C breasts. 😍
Not once did I ever consider taking them off because of that fact - something I'm also proud of.

I really hope this is, in fact, becoming my new "normal".


Jan 22 2017, 08.26pm
Second round.

I applied my last {REDACTED} patch this morning. I think either my body is getting accustomed to it or maybe my testosterone level has come up a bit. I'm not finding myself to be as emotional as I was when I first started the hormone dosage. On the other hand, I haven't really reverted to raging about the little things that happen from day to day.

I seem to be a bit more concerned about how others are feeling, though I have been hesitant to act on such feelings in some instances. Maybe it's just as well. I can ease people into interacting with a more empathetic version of me instead of making it a sudden, jarring shock.

I do seem to be having more 'up' days than 'down' days. I suppose I might be getting used to the notion of being not only transgender but actually a trans-woman. The stories I've been reading of others who have transitioned have been a wonderful inspiration to me and makes me believe more every day that I'm on the right track.


Jan 26 2017, 07.57pm
Went to the T-Network gathering at Mellow Mushroom last night. I was a bit nervous about going and had made an alternate plan in case I had to bail or lost the nerve. It turned out that I didn't have to resort to that. I was off to a slow start, and I had had another newbie to the group practically talk my ear off right in the door, but she had a lot to share after having transitioned back in the 80's. We exchanged Facebook info and I grabbed a seat at the only available table way in the back.

I sat there, cognizant of the rapidly dwindling level of amber liquid in my glass, and watching the wait staff studiously ignoring me, undoubtedly under the assumption that I must be someone else else's problem. After enduring their disregard for the third or fourth pass, I asked the people at the next table to grab their server, spin him around, and send him in my direction, since I felt like I was blending into the furniture.

I had almost given up on the evening when a couple more new people showed up and came back to the only table with empty seats - mine. We started off chatting and a few others joined in. Conversations flowed as well as the aforementioned amber liquid did once I had recovered from my apparent status as persona non grata. The folks I talked to were very warm and friendly with lots of stories to tell and plenty of words of encouragement for the future.

Two big takeaways from the event i had were a feeling of elation at the prospect that I might actually be some kind of normal. That and just seeing how unknowingly and without any kind of road map to guide us, so many of us have trod almost identical paths through life, albeit at different times.

Jan 27 2017, 07.44pm
Leading the charge? Seriously?

I'm backdating this entry a bit since I've only now taken the time to think about this concept. I told my therapist that I had reviewed the employee policy manual at work and found very little in it with regard to gender...stuff. I told him that all I could find was mention of protection against discrimination based on sexual preference but nothing even remotely to do with gender expression or identity. I also noted that the last revision was back in 2009.

He suggested that I may have to lead the proverbial charge as far as my employer is concerned. Me? A leader? Seriously? About the only charges I've led involve deciding where to go for lunch, and that's already like trying to herd cats without the benefit of a can of tuna.

Still, if I am going to have to set precedents here and make sure they live up to all their talk of "diversity" and "inclusion", and all the other Human Resources buzzwords they so freely throw around, then I've got a hell of a lot to learn in a short amount of time. I'm going to have to become a fixture at all of the local transgender professional group presentations and mixers and networking events and such.

This is the same thing I should have been doing with similar events in my chosen profession but never really gave a {EXPLETIVE} about. Now I'm suddenly caring about forcing myself to get out there and participate in these kinds of things and am maybe even a bit enthusiastic about doing so to boot! What a frightening {EXPLETIVE}ing thought!

I guess all I need is the right motivation to get in there and make {EXPLETIVE} happen.

I'm scared and apprehensive but i know I'm still going to get in there and do it because this is my future. If I'm going to have to be a representative of the transgender community to my workplace then I'm going to be a {EXPLETIVE} good one!


Jan 29 2017, 08.50pm
We went to Universal today to cash in some more value of our annual passes.

I went kind of dressed with lips, eyes, and hair done. Not overtly feminine but definitely giving subtle hints. As I was trying to find the exit from the Harry Potter flying bench ride, I got 'sirred' multiple times by a surly-seeming female park staffer. It annoyed me then and continued to do so for the rest of the evening. It shouldn't have but the fact remains...

There must be something to this thing Abby West refers to as "passing privilege" and, sadly, I ain't got it.

I know that Rome wasn't built in a day, as the saying goes, and neither will be Cassandra. She will be born through the fires of doubt and adversity.


Feb 04 2017, 04.35pm
Hair appointment today.
I went and got my hair done today. Just a cut and color but my roots are hidden away again and my purple highlights are back, baby!

As a bonus, I also had my stylist wax my eyebrows into a nice tapered arch - much more toward the feminine side than I had done previously. I'm really happy with the way they look now! About the only thing missing for me to have the whole pampered lady treatment today would have been to go get my nails done too. Another milestone for another day, I suppose.

While I was in there, waiting for the dye to set in my hair, a woman came in and sat down in the chair next to me. She had a little girl with her whom I assumed was her daughter. They were both getting their hair done that day. When that little girl walked over to the sit-down hair dryers with her mother, I couldn't help but notice the joy on her mother's face and in her eyes at sharing such a mother-daughter bonding moment during this very female rite of passage - a rite of passage which I never had. I couldn't help but give a little smile of happiness for them but at the same time my eyes misted up a bit - granted, not as much as they are right now, writing this.

Speaking of rites of passage, I can see that, as a trans-woman, it could be seen as a rite of passage in not only having a hairdresser, but also subsequently coming out to them when the time is right. I had wanted to spill the whole story to mine, but I really couldn't find what felt like the right moment. Maybe at a later date when I ask her for a much more feminine hairstyle - one which will help camouflage my rather high, masculine hairline. I've got to face it, I don't really have a forehead, I've got more of a five-head going on right now. Hopefully the {REDACTED}will help with that somewhat.


Feb 05 2017, 08.20pm
More on coming out.
Last night in a text conversation, I told my wife that I had had a long chat with a couple who were longtime friends of mine. I'll refer to them as "I" and "S". Of course she asked what it was about. I said that I told them about me being transgender. She went into complete dead silence until an hour later when I got to Target.

I can't help but wonder what that silence was about. Her demeanor today gave me a clue though. I guess it's okay for her to tell "D" (A mutual friend) but not okay for me to tell my friends? Now I kind of wonder what exactly she told "D" about me. I wonder if she's upset that I've made it clear that this genie is not just going to be stuffed back into the bottle. Maybe she told her that this is some little quirk I'm having to work through or some other similarly ignorant claptrap.

Then again maybe I'm being overly sensitive?

Feb 04 2017, 08.30pm
More tearing off of band-aids.
The long-anticipated and much-rehearsed coming out talk with "I" and "S" finally happened tonight.

They were in town to buy a Fire box for their TV and we met for dinner afterward. It went rather well. They were very understanding about the whole thing and very supportive. I think I explained my situation a lot better this time around than when I told Kim. I also told them about some of the conversations my wife and I had and some of the not-so-nice things she had to say like the "tits and a dress" comment. They were as disappointed as I was in hearing some of that stuff.

When we decided to call it a night, we hugged all around and they offered me a place to stay if I need to get out of the house for a while.

I've got to say too that I told them I had been going to work daily with foundation on my face for over a month now. Stacy asked me what foundation I was using because she couldn't even tell that I had any on. That was another affirming moment for me, having another woman ask me about my makeup. I'm still smiling at that.

I don't have a whole lot in the way of friends but the ones I do have are awesome.


Feb 15 2017, 10.01pm
Since we were cooking this morning for the employees' birthday breakfast, I decided to try putting my hair up in a twist with a claw clip holding it in place. Another slight step toward the feminine side and no one batted an eye at it.

That doesn't necessarily mean nobody's talking but you know what? Let them talk. It felt like one of those little affirming moments to me.
Author's note: I don't know how to make an image show up here, and I'm in a bit of a rush this morning. Here's a link to the picture from that morning. I'll fix it later once I figure things out a bit more.
https://www.dropbox.com/s/0sr5rtkbihuknry/making_beignets_02152017.jpeg?dl=0 (https://www.dropbox.com/s/0sr5rtkbihuknry/making_beignets_02152017.jpeg?dl=0)
(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/0sr5rtkbihuknry/making_beignets_02152017.jpeg)


Feb 16 2017, 11.01am
Been feeling sad all morning.

I'm not sure what it is, but I've been on the verge of tears on-and-off since a few minutes after leaving the house thus morning. I saw a dead cat on the side of the road and that may have something to do with it. I keep welling up periodically but still the dam just won't break. I can't focus on anything meaningful or productive and it's frustrating the hell out of me. If I can just slide over that edge into total breakdown, I know I'll feel better but I just can't get there.

It seems like everything is grating on my nerves this morning.

Can't focus
Coffee is lousy
Hair is a perpetual mess

I told myself that maybe I need a day off, but corrected myself with the idea that maybe I just need coffee that doesn't suck.

Feb 18 2017, 10.23am
Author's note: Normally, I censor or modify harsh language in these journal entries but in here, its raw unfiltered state is important to the quote below.
I had to save this just for me. The article itself brought tears to my eyes, but this last paragraph just had me bawling loudly because it spoke to me about hope for the future - Cassandra's future, my future.

"As you get consumed with your life, just know it gets better. It gets beautiful. You have to work for it. I know you are tired, god trust me I do. I know it feels hopeless and like no one understands. I know you can sit in a crowded room and still feel completely alone. You have to keep walking. Thinking about that next step. This can be metaphoric or it can literally mean it takes all of what you are to take the next physical step. You are not alone. You are not helpless. You are a beautiful vivid soul that is waiting to shine to the world. Know that you will find peace and love. You will see the stars in the sky. You will walk proudly and know that you swam through a river of ->-bleeped-<- and came out clean on the other side. (Yes I stole that. Thanks Stephen King)

I believe in you! Stay strong!"

The rest of the article is here: http://transgenderuniverse.com/2016/09/21/dear-brothers-and-sisters/ (http://transgenderuniverse.com/2016/09/21/dear-brothers-and-sisters/)

February 21, 2017 - 11:09pm
Tough night tonight. We talked about what the future holds for us.

It hurts to admit it but it's looking more and more like there won't BE an 'us' in the future. I'm already committed to my path and she acknowledges this with sadness. She's also stated that she doesn't want what stands at the what she sees as the end of my journey.

It started this evening when I went upstairs to get comfortable and change out of my work clothes. I came downstairs wearing a nice tunic over a bra with my breast forms in place and jeggings down below. Her whole demeanor changed at that point. She became quiet and withdrawn. After we ate and watched a few things on Hulu, she was ready to go to bed. I could feel her pulling away from me slightly as we hugged and I offered to tuck her into bed as I had on countless occasions before. She took this offer apathetically, but I persisted. When we got into the bedroom, that's when she started crying. I asked what was wrong and got no answer, even though I already knew damned well what was wrong. I had no clue what to do next, so I sat there stroking her hair for a bit while she sniffled quietly.

After a time, she opened up and said that every time she sees me dressed like that, it felt almost like a slap in the face and that it makes her uncomfortable, now both at home and the days I go out and my attire strays too far toward the feminine side.

I asked why this is the case when she had no problem when it was just crossdressing at home. She said that that didn't represent such a drastic lifestyle change as it does now. She's also still hung up on the fear of running into someone she may know from work. I can't help but feel treated like the stereotype of a husband who likes to walk around the house in a dress from time to time but keeps it hidden so as to not be an embarrassment to the family. An embarrassment that can be managed with a dismissive wave of the hand and a platitude of, "Him? Oh, he's harmless. He just does that at home."

She also stated flat out that she's not going to "be my cheerleader through this."

They say that relationships often end when one partner is transitioning, but I had no idea it was going to happen to us, nor just how quickly it seems to be ending.

I really think I should be crying about this right now, but I'm not doing anything other than getting occasionally misty-eyed. Maybe the full impact hasn't hit me yet or maybe my lack of tears is revealing of something subconscious within me.

I don't know. I just don't know.


February 22, 2017 - 8:04pm
Went to the Transgender in the Workplace Roundtable presentation tonight. I met and chatted briefly with Gina Duncan and a few other folks. It was definitely worth the trip. A lot of good perspectives were heard from both on the trans side and the HR side of the room. Yes, the division was pretty obvious to see. 😆

Before the start, there was a lot of talk about the current political climate as it relates to LGBT folks, trans especially. It got me to thinking about the time I spent in Iran and Libya and how things were in those countries. People are tossing around terms like "dictatorship" and "theocracy" in reference to the current regime in power in our country. Based on my personal experience, they have no idea what either of those really looks like when it's actually right there in your face and you can see every wart on it in crisp detail.

I think I need to write my story about it. Sort of a memoir of that particular part of my life. Maybe even post it to Cassandra's FB.

There's so much to tell though. I'm glad I got that little keyboard. 😉


February 24, 2017 - 10:34pm
Mark this on the calendar, boys and girls! Cassandra got her letter today!!

Today started out to be a great day. I finally caught up on sleep, decided to wear my jeans and purple button-down top. I'm now standing at a total of 68 pounds lost. My hair turned out nicer than I expected. I may even have leveled-up my styling brush skill. 😅 I even treated myself to a couple of bangle bracelets from Alex and Ani. I got the Star of Venus (Love, Beauty, Inspiration) and the Phoenix (Magic, Healing, Rebirth). The Phoenix is especially apropos, especially the 'rebirth' part of it. Rebirth out of fire.

Since my therapy appointment was today, I knew I had to quit putting off making the appointment with the doctor and make that call today. I called and explained my situation and that my therapist had recommended that I get set up with the doctor. The lady I talked to told me I needed to bring a letter from my therapist and I told her it shouldn't be a problem as I had a therapy appointment later in the day.

Well, long story short, I got my letter. THE letter. Yes, THAT letter! We sort of rushed through the whole process and the full impact didn't hit me until I got back to the parking lot at work. I pulled out my copy of the letter and re-read it. The thought of what this represents for me and my future was staggering. I started to cry tears of joy and thought that instead of a quick handshake at the end of our session, I owed my therapist a hug...if he's willing to accept one, that is. :)

As a part of drafting the letter, I asked if he was going to put in anything about the fact that I've been dosing myself with [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] and he said he'd leave that between me and the doctor when I go for my appointment. I said that I know I'll probably get some grief from the doctor about it, but I'm prepared to take my lumps and move forward. Who knows, maybe the fact that I've been tracking my dosages and blood pressure levels will be something of a mitigating circumstance as well as the knowledge I''ve gathered on each of the drugs and my rather specific reasoning for choosing the ones I did.

Later this evening, I told  my friend, "I" about it as well. He didn't seem to understand what this means for me and I tried to explain a bit but his response was for the most part, positive. I imagine I somewhat caught him off-guard with that but I'm sure we'll talk about it in the future when we have more time.

In conclusion, today started out as a great day, but it ended as an awesome day! I can only hope that the future holds more and more awesome days in store for me.

Author's note: I still keep my copy of that letter in the case with my tablet keyboard and I pull it out and look at it from time to time. It represents such a HUGE turning point in my life, as you can probably imagine.

I also, to this day, still wear both of those bangle bracelets. They are my inspiration during times of doubt, when the dysphoria has sunk its black claws deep into my psyche.

February 25, 2017 - 9:10am
Dictatorship and Theocracy

With all the wailing and gnashing of teeth lately over the new president of this country, I keep hearing the same terms come up repeatedly both online and in conversations. Those terms are 'Dictatorship' and 'Theocracy', and are used typically in that order in reference to the president and the vice president.

While some of these opinions may have merit, the people stating them don't seem to have a true understanding of just what each of those looks like. I can say with confidence that I do.

As a 7-year-old child back in 1979, I had a front-row seat to watch as an ACTUAl dictatorship was rapidly and violently becoming a GENUINE theocracy.

The events depicted in the movie, "Argo" gave a very good look at the way things were during the days leading up the the Iran Hostage Crisis, as it came to be known. My family and I left the country about a week before that happened. Even then, when we gathered up whatever belongings we could carry and left our house in Isfahan, we had to relocate multiple times that night because at one point, there were rebels going from house to house looking for foreigners to kidnap and/or kill.

To give a little background on why we were there, the main reason was my dad. He had been a quality control inspector for Boeing for over 30 years previously and among other things, had specialized on the CH-47 cargo helicopter, AKA the Chinook. Since the United States and Iran were still on friendly terms, a number of those helicopters had been sold to the Iranian army. The army over there hired my dad as an instructor for their CH-47 maintenance crews. So, with that, we made plans to move to Iran.

Since we were planning for the move to take place a few months before my seventh birthday, my parents decided to have my birthday party early at my Aunt and Uncle's place just outside of Philadelphia. Since we had not lived in that area very long, I didn't really have any friends, so the invitees were mostly cousins and other family members. Hooray for me.

Shortly afterward, we cleared out our apartment and headed to the airport. We spent a few days doing the tourist thing in London, which was nice, but being only six years old, I was unable to appreciate most of it. After we flew out of London, we had another multi-day stop in Lugano over in Switzerland. Again, not much to remember for six-year-old me other than that I had my own room with this bizarre bed that was more like a shallow box with a mattress in it, not unlike the cat memes you see all over the internet these days. In this case, I certainly fit in it, so I sat in it...and slept in it. Sorry, that's the best I can do at my present caffeine level.

Why exactly we were in Lugano, I had no idea. Again, six-year-old me was less enthralled with the rich European culture of the region (read that, not at all), and more so with the AM/FM radio built into my hotel room bed as well as playing in the elevator, annoying the concierge during my stops at the lobby in between the half-dozen or so trips from the basement to the top floor.

Hey, don't judge. Everyone needs something to amuse themselves.

Upon leaving Lugano, we finally arrived in Tehran, the capital city of Iran. Hot and dry were my first impressions of that place that my then-limited vocabulary could conjure up. Though I had never been any other places than Chicago and Philadelphia before, Iran didn't seem all that foreign to me. Sure, most of the signs in the airport had multiple languages printed on them, but they also had english markings. Everyone was speaking a language I couldn't understand and some of the signs ony had strange swirly markings on them that my still-developing brain only could interpret as "Jig, jig, jiggla". Previously, I had never even heard of Farsi, let alone having seen its written form, nor Arabic or any of the other languages of that region.

Chapter 2

Having been such a young age back then and now that 38 years have passed since then, I don't have a whole lot in the way of contiguous memory of my time over there. It's more in bits and pieces of significant events that I will share as they come bubbling up to the surface.

Once we got settled in Isfahan, it was in a small house surrounded by a walled courtyard. It seemed that this was the common arrangement for houses in the region. The building was a two-story with us on the ground floor and our landlord (a new term I had learned) was upstairs. Our landlord's name, as I recall, was a Mister Borbor (sp?) who didn't seem to understand a word of english. I remember one day when I had forgotten my key to the gate and was trying to talk to him on the intercom outside to get him to let me in. He definitely didn't speak english. I don't think it was long before my mom came home, so it wasn't a big deal.

At one point, we adopted a dog and named him Ben (short for Benji). I'm not sure what his lineage was exactly, but he was just like the dogs we saw running loose around the neighborhood. The locals called them "Jube Dogs" and the common trait between all of them seemed to be a curly tail. One day, we noticed that Ben had gotten out of the courtyard by slipping under the gate. We found him the first time he did this, but the second time, less than a week later, we never saw him again. It was only until some time after that I found out that sometimes people around there would kill and eat dogs. I don't want to sound heartless or anything but we really didn't have Ben long enough for me to become really attached to him, so I pretty much just shrugged and moved on with my life at that point.

We didn't stay in the house for very long though and I sure didn't lose any sleep after saying a final farewell to our beloved landlord.

The new place we moved into was another two-story house, but it was ours and we had the run of the place. I had both my own bedroom and a playroom that was somewhat detached from the rest of the house. Naturally, the playroom was almost instantaneously strewn with toys from wall to wall.

This time, instead of another dog, we adopted a cat. He was a tuxedo-pattern kitty we named Peppermint Patty (Pepper for short). Well, I say "We" but it was really my mom who named him. Having never experienced living with a cat in the house, I was pretty much indifferent to Pepper so, naturally, he wanted to be wherever I was most of the time.

Another significant event I can remember from that house is waking up at some ridiculously late hour and I thought I could hear voices whispering. They seemed to fade away down the hall from my room, so what else could seven-year-old me do but follow them? I went downstairs to the living room and sat in one of the chairs down there where I could still hear the whispers. I don't remember anything they actually said, but maybe being that it was in Iran, maybe they were speaking Farsi. I don't know. After a while, the whispers faded away and I just fell asleep in the chair. I never heard them again.

The house had a basement with a gas water heater heater in it. The reason I know this is a friend of my dad, this guy named Ed Moorehead, was trying to fix something wrong with it and wound up burning off his eyebrows and the hair on one of his arms. He managed to fix the water heater though, so I'd consider that a fair trade.

I had a friend named Matt who went to the same American school with me. We were thick as thieves. When we weren't complying with some requirement of our parents, we were wandering around the neighborhood, doing the things that kids our age do when allowed to run free. One of the places we went was into the apartment buildings down the other side of the street from where I lived. We used to climb up the stairs all the way to the roof and jump from building to building across the roof. The building at the end was under construction at the time and we used to go over there in the afternoons and visit with the construction crew working on the building. We still had a language barrier to deal with but they were kind enough to share their afternoon tea with us from time to time. There was one occasion when we were at that building and had gone up to the roof where some of the guys were working. When we got bored with that, we went to go back down the stairs and there was a guy there whom we had never seen before. He was only speaking Farsi to us but he seemed angry about something. Maybe it was just us being there in the first place or maybe something else. We didn't hang around long enough to find out. He blocked us from going into the stairwell and kept yelling at us all the while, so we just turned around and ran to the far side of the roof, vaulted the parapet and landed on the roof of the neighboring building. We then jumped the next three buildings until we got to the one at the end where we knew the rooftop door was left unlocked. Once there, we made good our escape and never went back to that construction site.

February 25, 2017 - 11:37pm
I just had an epiphany of sorts. I was reading an article on the effects one's transition has on one's partner - at least from a mtf trans person who is in a relationship.

What stuck out to me was this:

"Sometimes when you get the 13 year old girl attitude I have to call you out on it. It is like I'm sorry I know you have some of the emotions but I am dating a grown woman not a child."

I'm wondering if maybe that's some of what I may be experiencing with these impulses to just say something unforgivably cruel to just bring the whole situation to a head and let it come crashing down and finally be over. They say that trans-women undergoing HRT experience a second, female puberty. I had never considered that this may be a part of it. It does make sense though.

I seem to be experiencing some of the effects of this second puberty beyond slow breast growth and the propensity for crying over a much wider range of feelings. Last week, my right breast felt a little sore when I applied pressure around the nipple area. That soreness has increased to the point where it only takes a little bump against something to make it hurt a bit. It's not a debilitating pain or anything that seems a cause for concern, but it's just like a dull ache. The left side has started to feel that way as well but not nearly as far along as the right. That strikes me as odd since my left breast is somewhat more developed than the right one. From what I understand, this disparity is not uncommon so, again, not a cause for concern at this point.

I wonder if this soreness will increase to a point where it starts to ache all by itself. I hope not because I really don't need another distraction right now. If it does happen that way, I'll deal with it of course but only time will tell. This morning, when I had accidentally bumped my right breast on the edge of the bathroom door, it hurt quite a bit - to the point that I saw that I had the little crease above my nose that I recall having seen on nearly every adolescent girl I saw back when I first noticed such a thing. Maybe that is another of the unspoken, unwritten, "Welcome to the sisterhood" things that I've been discovering of late.

February 26, 2017 - 12:19am
Preparing for the visit to the new doctor.

I've got to say that the patient portal they have set up is pretty impressive. I went in and filled out all of the information it asked for. The forms seemed to be a lot less burdensome for this doctor, as opposed to others but I'm sure they'll have me pushing some paper when I come in for my first visit.

What stuck out to me as I was going through the forms was that there were a few items already filled in by information I gave to Sean over the phone. One of those items was, "Gender: Female". I couldn't help but break out into a wide smile at this. What would ordinarily have been a barely significant scrap of information found on countless forms throughout the history of bureaucracies stood, for me, like the monolith in the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey. That tiny little shred of information stood up loud and proud, declaring that this is yet another milestone on Cassandra's journey.

In addition to that, in the appointment detail was remarked, "tg m-f. Pt will have letter from therapist."

That was another big smile moment for me as well as making me a little misty-eyed.

Next?  Well girl what you been doing lollygagging all around the country with Shorty?

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on January 23, 2018, 08:44:13 PM
Next?  Well girl what you been doing lollygagging all around the country with Shorty?

Coming right up! The journal app (Journey) I've been using has an annoying tendency to show entries only in the order in which they were saved - not according to the sometimes adjusted entry date. I found some gaps in what I posted but I can't go back and edit those posts. I was thinking backfill a bit and post the missing ones. I'll note it in the post so people don't get confused.

BTW, thank you for your help with that image tag!

Feb 26 2017 - 12:32am
There's always an upside.
I was doing some thinking earlier about this whole transition process and all of the thought and work that goes into it, as contrasted to my previous life, and what differences there are. I had the notion to quantify it as worthwhile or not.

Let's see how the financial, temporal, and psychological costs stack up...

COSTS
At this point, close to $1000 in cosmetics and other beauty products.
Hundreds of dollars worth of new women's clothes, most of which are between a little and a lot loose on me due to weight loss. (What an awesome problem to have!)
Again, a few hundred dollars worth of new shoes - most of which still fit. At least my feet weren't very fat!
Over an hour to get ready every morning, what with shaving face, arms, and upper chest, doing moisturizer, pore eraser, primer, foundation, eyebrown mascara, and setting powder, and then doing my hair. (EVERY day, no days off!)
$120 every six weeks or so for hair cut, color, style, and now eyebrow waxing. (Love the purple highlights, BTW!!!)
Having to be mindful of my mannerisms, movements, gestures, gait, posture, and so many other things.
Backing off of the "guy talk" such as gentle ribbing that builds camaraderie within male groups but appears to be rare in female groups and is probably not looked upon in a positive way.
Having to constantly tell myself, "Girl, you need to just slow it down" when I start to rush through something and my movements become stiff and clumsy.
Breaking nails when I fail to tell myself to slow down in time to avoid nail breakage.
Having to back up and use tools to accomplish simple tasks for which brute force would suffice.
Asking for help with things. This one is huge and I'm trying to ease into it before diminished muscle mass makes it a necessity.
Working to feminize my voice which I'm just starting out to do.

BENEFITS
Having days sometimes that I can honestly call Great Days.
Smiling often and having that smile be genuine and extend all the way to my eyes.
Being able to cry when I need to and not just for negative reasons.

RESULT
Totally, totally worth it!!
(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/dmbc3j8f8jpz84o/shesgonepurple.jpg)


Feb 26, 2017 - 10:13pm
Another affirming moment.
We were at Cracker Barrel this morning, waiting on our breakfast to come out of the kitchen. When it did, it was being carried not by our waitress but by one of the food runners. When she got to our table, she said, "Good morning, ladies," to us. All I could do was smile at her while doing a little internal happy dance. It may only be a small thing, but so meaningful to me during this stage of my life.

Author's note: I only just found out that my journal app doesn't always display the entries in their chronological order, as they were marked - it displays them in the order in which they were entered, regardless of how they're marked. Some of the entries I had backdated in it didn't get posted here, so I'm filling them in below - arranged by date.

Jan 22, 2017 - 06:19am
Makeup tips or, "Yes, I can do this."

I was wondering what I could bring with me in case I needed to touch up my foundation in the middle of the day - like from inadvertently dragging a fingernail through it while brushing errant strands of hair out of the way. The first thought that crossed my mind was, "Ask another woman."

Not, "Ask a woman.", but "Ask another woman."

That little internal conversation just made me realize how my perception of 'self' has shifted since Acceptance Day.

Just this little affirmation gives me a positive feeling and enhances the belief that, "Yes, I can do this."

Feb 27, 2017 - 10.09pm
Went to Ulta tonight.
I wondered what my wife thought when I texted and asked if she needed anything from there as I was stopping on the way home. Maybe the things I do that make her feel slapped in the face are some of the same things that are very affirming for me. I'm torn between the two and wondering what's to become of all this? Will she finally accept the fact that I'm transitioning and starting to do things that are the normal everyday of any independent woman? Will this just hasten us down the path of irreconcilable differences?

I like the fact that I can walk in there alone but with complete confidence with my head held high as though it were just another ordinary day which, I suppose, it is and ever shall be. I do wish we could do so together or with friends and just hit the place like a pack - you know, the way girlfriends do.


Feb 27, 2017 - 11:19pm
I'm down to 68 pounds lost since June of 2016!
Last Friday, I decided to treat myself to a couple of items from my 'Baubles and Gewgaws' list on Amazon.

I ordered two bangle bracelets from Alex and Ani.

The first one is the Phoenix, which symbolizes Magic, Healing, and Rebirth.
The second one is the Star of Venus - Love, Beauty, and Inspiration.
(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/a5wxppjryh2hlnv/bracelets.jpg)

Both are deeply meaningful, considering what I'm going through right now.

The other bracelet says, "I love you to the moon and back". I'm thinking about getting one with the A. A. Milne quote on it, "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." I'm wondering if replacing the former with the latter is in some way symbolic of my letting go of the relationship I have right now. No more "love to the moon and back". Instead, I'd be shifting to a message encouraging a more self-reliant attitude.

Could this be further proof of a subconscious desire to close the book on that chapter of my life and begin a new one?

This is some heavy {EXPLETIVE} for a Monday night.

Feb 27 2017, 10.55am
Transgender and multiculturalism.
I'm wondering how coming out at work will be taken by the folks from different cultures, some of which might be openly hostile to trans people. Consider the higher homicide rate of trans people of color.

The department I work in is quite the diverse group, so it will be interesting to say the least, to see how they react.



Feb 28 2017, 11.17pm
I think I got mansplained today!
I'm not sure whether to be happy or insulted.

I was with a couple of the guys from our department trying to troubleshoot some issues with a stadium P.A. and A/V system this afternoon. There was a tech out there from the vendor who installed the system as well. Since there was a possible short in one of the speakers, the original audio amp for the P.A. was dead, so we had brought a spare, older one we had in the warehouse. Before hooking it up, I suggested checking the speaker lines with an ohmmeter and see if one of them might be shorted. The tech who was there hooking up the amp proceeded to correct me in my (apparently mistaken) idea that a shorted speaker line would have less resistance than one that was still okay. He then started lecturing me on reactance versus resistance and how there is apparently a huge difference between the two, punctuating the whole thing with an "Are we clear on that now?".

I didn't quite know how to take that, so I just nodded dumbfoundedly.

Thinking about it later, I started to wonder if I had just experienced my first mansplaining, though I'm not sure why. I wasn't outwardly presenting as female - in fact, I was just wearing dress pants and a polo shirt. Granted, I had a bra and panties on underneath, but still. I mean, I had definitely been using a lot of feminine body language today, both gestures and posture. Could that have been it? If so, I should be at least a little bit happy that I provoked a male response almost exclusively directed toward women. That would make this one hell of an affirming moment.

On the other hand, he could just be a garden-variety ->-bleeped-<-.

Maybe I'll run into him again some time. If I do, I'll have to see if I can repeat the experiment and achieve the same results. Then, I can write up a research paper that probably no one will read. If nothing else, it will make for a funny story to tell.

Mar 03 2017, 02.06pm
Thoughts on friends' upcoming wedding.
I have some friends I've known for a number of years now and they've recently announced plans to get married. These are the friends I came out to a few weeks back. The proposed wedding isn't until almost a year from now. What I'm wondering is how to appear at the wedding. What I find most significant is that I'm thinking not about whether to present as male or female, but rather whether I should wear a dress of some sort or maybe a blazer with a matching skirt.

I don't know how my personal development is going to be at that time, but maybe by then, I'll even be out at work. Who knows? The way my breasts are developing, I may not be able to hide it by then without some significant effort. Not that I really want to hide them anyway. I was walking around at work yesterday, wearing that velour V-neck burnout top that once again fits me properly. I didn't notice until later in the day exactly how prominent my breasts were with that on. Nobody seemed to take notice, so I don't think anyone is at the point where they might say something. Regardless, I made the effort to walk tall with my shoulders back and head held high.

I will say one thing too, though, it was kind of a thrill to feel the way they bounce ever so slightly when I walk down the stairs.


Mar 03 2017, 02.20pm
Female voices.
Earlier this morning, I was feeling some distress about the lack of development of my female voice. I made a few attempts but it sounded so fake to my ears. I was also depressed because I haven't been doing any of the voice training exercises with the chromatic tuner. During the lunch break from the virtual class I'm taking this week, I decided to get back in front of the tuner and do a practice session. I think I found a comfortable pitch for my voice, right around the low range of A3. After being able to hit that note consistently and hold it, I tried a few words at that pitch. It still sounded kind of fake to my ears, but maybe not as much. (?)

I started just reading just random sentences from the voice training directions and while I can't say I was overjoyed with the results, I was pleased with myself that I had taken the time to sit down and go through the steps. I guess I can say that I'm encouraged by the fact that I believe I've found my best female pitch. I even tried introuducing a lilt to the words I was saying and it seemed to make my voice a little bit more authentic.

What I noticed is that afterward, while I was doing my nails, I got on a phone call with a friend and found I was using a slightly higher pitched voice and still had that lilt to my words. He was one of the friends to whom I've already come out so I think that had something to do with how freely I was speaking. I noticed as well that I was getting kind of bubbly and excited at one point in the conversation and starting to feel really good about myself.

Speaking about feeling good, I need to go up and change my {REDACTED} patch before my level drops low enough to get mood swings again!


Mar 03 2017, 10.27pm
More on that wedding thing.
Something occurred to me. I hope my friend was not thinking about asking me to be his Best Man at the wedding. By then, I'll be around a year into HRT and probably wouldn't look the part very well.

At least, I hope not. :)
Author's note: I did ask him at one point exactly what his intentions were for my participation in the wedding. I expressed my concerns to him as far as if they wanted me to be the Best Man or the Maid of Honor. He just laughed and without missing a beat, said, "Oh we were going to have you do both. It's cheaper that way."

I laughed so hard, I almost dropped the phone.

 Sure sure leave us hanging... best man or maid of honor and skirt or dress sheeeesh  ::) ::) ::)

Quote from: Laurie on January 25, 2018, 05:28:05 PM
Sure sure leave us hanging... best man or maid of honor and skirt or dress sheeeesh  ::) ::) ::)

Duh, she's doing both; like the person in the circus with half a tux on and half a dress :)

Quote from: Laurie on January 25, 2018, 05:28:05 PM
Sure sure leave us hanging... best man or maid of honor and skirt or dress sheeeesh  ::) ::) ::)

Well, the actual wedding only just happened IRL, but I'll get to it in good time. Sometimes, the entries get fewer and further apart as I've gotten accustomed to all of these new things as what constitutes "normal".

Mar 05 2017, 10.45pm
Gender teminology.
Peppered throughout the conversations relating to "trans-stuff", one term I frequently run across is the term "cisgendered" in relation to people who are their assigned gender both inside and out.

I find myself hesitant to embrace this particular term since it's often used maliciously or in an otherwise negative connotation. I can't reconcile such usage in relation to my current situation. I don't really hate people referred to as cisgender and I refuse to allow others to influence me into hating same. I am who I am. They are who they are. There is an enormous gap in understanding between us, which I acknowledge. I just don't know how we can work past it and meet in the middle somehow.

I don't want to spit bile at people I don't really know but then again, I'm not going to stand idly by and have them do that to me, whether overtly or otherwise.


Mar 05 2017, 10.46am
Had a good day yesterday.
I went out shopping the outlet mall with my wife and mutual friend, "D" yesterday. The retail therapy was only part of the experience though. I got dressed in my navy cap-sleeve tee shirt with my shades-of-purple plaid button-down layered over it, along with my kitten pendant on a longer chain, my black capri pants, and I debated whether or not to wear my Champion flats with the outfit but then decided upon my regular sneakers since we were planning on doing a lot of walking. The navy tee worked nicely in my opinion since it pulled in the small checks of navy on the button-down. Imay be focusing to excess on my fashion a bit this time around but that's because I felt particularly well put together yesterday.

To top it off, instead of my usual side-parted hair style, I just brushed it back, twisted it up, and put it in that smaller hair clip I bought recently. Surprisingly enough, with my usual subtle makeup, it worked very well.

We went to the outlet mall and to the regular mall and we got addressed as 'ladies' a couple of times and I didn't get 'sirred' a single time! I was perfectly at ease and it felt like just an ordinary Girls' Day Out.

We chatted and laughed and I can distinctly remember that genuine laugh and smile coming out on several occasions. Happy times!

I can only hope to have more days like these, but I know in my heart that I'm on the right path to get there!

Of course, coming away with a new purse and hanging makeup organizer from the Vera Bradley store and a new keychain from Brighton didn't hurt to make the day brighter. :)
(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/hgkgch03mhevrid/keychain.jpg)


Mar 09 2017, 08.09am
Hit a milestone of sorts.
Today marks my 100th day on {REDACTED}. Looking (and feeling) good so far. I'm looking forward to another 265 days of it!

Developments are proceeding in accordance with the data I've gathered, and so far no unexpected side-effects have manifested. I'm still experiencing the soreness behind my nipples as well as feeling something firm behind them which as I understand, is normal. I believe it's the milk ducts and other supporting structures that are forming.

Had a 14-hour gap on Tuesday due to the odd dosage timing but nothing unusual happened. I was expecting some degree of mood swings as I had seen before but there were none this time. Maybe the mood swings during periods of low estrogen levels require some triggering event - a word, a thought, or some other form of stimulus. It was suggested that should it happen again that I note any observations made about mood changes or other things out of the ordinary. It's a bit difficult to observe from the inside out though.

I'll try to remember.

Mar 11 2017, 06.06pm
Another nice day out.
We went to the local farmers' market and, surprise! They were having an art show there as well.

I was dressed summer-casual again with my hair up in a clip and we got addressed as "ladies" a few times. It was a nice treat! That is until on several occasions, my wife referred to me as, "him" when conversing with other folks here and there.

I was a bit disappointed at that but to be fair, I never asked her to do otherwise. I think it's another one of those touchy subjects like the vocal exercises and probably the estrogen dosing too, if I were to mention it. I'm wondering when might be the best time to have that conversation. How would she react to being asked to refer to me as 'she' and 'her' and address me as Cassandra? Probably not well but we have to get around to that eventually.

In one store, she called me by name and the lady running the store thought she had called me, "Joy". Not that that would be such a bad thing, but the only Joy I can think of is the sad, bitter mom in "Dead Like Me".

At least, she seems to be getting accustomed to being out and about with me when I'm 'en femme'. Thinking about it further, I didn't have a single item of male clothing on today. Even down to my shoes, which were my simple Champion flats. They were pretty comfortable in spite of all the walking we did today. Still, my feet were a bit sore afterward. Maybe I need a foot rub. :)

From one of the shops, I got a little set of charms on a pin that I attached to the front flap of my purse. It's got a paw print, a gem, and a kitty on it. I've attached a picture of it.
(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/y1sv6zhu9y2p1l3/purse_charms.jpg)



Mar 12 2017, 04.52pm
Meh. Just M.E.H.
I had been looking forward to taking my kayak out on the water and finally had the perfect day to do it. Except for the weather, that is.

When I got everything loaded up and ready to go, it started to rain a little bit. After looking at the weather radar, I decided to go for it anyway and hope that it would pass by the time I got up there. I was wrong. When I got to the bridge where I wanted to put in, it was {EXPLETIVE}ing pouring. It continued to pour on and off for the next 45 minutes while I sat in the truck, hoping to wait it out. No such luck.

I turned around and went right back home. When I got home, there was not a single drop of rain coming down and the busybodies next door were hanging out in their driveway, as per usual. My boat was sagging pretty badly by the time I got there on account of the rope that held it up being soaked through. Wonderful.

I came into the living room, stepped on a cat's paw and accidentally kicked him when trying to recover my balance. When I went upstairs to get my tablet, I guess he decided that was time to attack the dog, so I ran back down the stairs amid barking and growling. I broke up the fight, sent the cats upstairs and put the dog outside.

What a craptacular day so far.

I was thinking about going out into the wood shop to cut up some pallets since I have a new sawzall, but I'm almost afraid to see what sort of disaster that's going to turn into.

Maybe I should just get on some comfy clothes and huddle in the theater to watch stuff on the TV. It might be safer.

All that other stuff aside, what happened today should have driven me almost into a blind fury and would have ended up in something broken. As it is, I managed to keep my cool and just do what needed to be done to put things in order. I'd like to thank estrogen for that.

Mar 13 2017, 09.08pm
Decent day. Lousy night.
Just a few questions though...

I try to understand what you must feel
But what will you do when these are real?

Will you shun me and avert your gaze?
Will I never see you again, the rest of my days?

You fell in love with a fake me
This is the real me, can't you see?

If you feel you must leave, I will try
to understand wherefore, how and why

If it comes down to a bitter end
I thank you for being my friend.



Mar 13 2017, 09.16pm
Cleaned the kitchen tonight.
Now, I'm writing poetry. (Sigh)

Tonight, my wife came home and saw that I had my breast forms on again. She shut down on me almost immediately. I tried asking what was wrong but only got evasive answers. It's not like I really needed to ask though. I know exactly why.

I just want to have the final talk with her and lay out everything - no more holding back.

This is me.
This is who I am.
I'm doing this.

I want to feel the warm rays of the sun on my face for the first time in 30 years. I don't want to hide in the darkness any more. I want to pull out the splinter that's been causing me pain all these years.

I. Want. To. Live.

Mar 15 2017, 02.24pm
Choices to be made...
Another frustrating day in class today.
More labs that are messed up. It seems like there's a brick wall lurking around every corner in these things, just waiting for me to beat my head against it.

I thought that going over to {LOCAL COFFEE SHOP} might have a positive effect on me and I guess it did, to a degree but I was the only one in there for most of the time. The owner seemed to want to chat but my heart really wasn't in it at the time. We just didn't seem able to connect. That and though I was looking more on the femme side, I wasn't really feeling it enough to make an effort at even softening my voice. I bet that's part of why I wasn't chatty. The voice, the {EXPLETIVE}ing voice. Just a reminder that I haven't been doing {EXPLETIVE} as far as the exercises go, even though I've had ample opportunity. I feel like maybe I don't really want it.

I've come so far though, I can't just throw it all away on account of my voice. I seem to be getting a lot of the other aspects in order, so I shouldn't let this one albatross hang around my neck. I need to focus on what I have that's positive.

For instance, I made the call to {ELECTROLOGIST} at {LOCAL CLINIC} after I left {LOCAL COFFEE SHOP} and got an appointment set up for 1pm on Wednesday. I'm stacking appointments pretty close together that day but it can't be helped. At least I can talk to her about the time constraints and let her make the call as to whether we just do a consultation that day or an actual treatment. It still represents another step forward. That makes me feel a little bit better at least. That and the fact that the only name I gave them was Cassandra.

My wife seems distant tonight. I can't help but feel like the rift between us is drawing a bit wider. We need to talk but the only things I need to say will surely push that rift even further apart. I feel like the only way to heal this rift is to give up entirely on transitioning and go back to living as the bitter, routinely depressed gorilla I pretended to be most of my life. After all these revelations, I don't think even that would put things back the way they were. Every time she looked at me and saw the sadness in my eyes, she wouldn't have to ask me what's wrong. She would know exactly what is wrong, what I've given up on.

I'm starting to feel trapped again and that's not a good place to be. I stand at another crossroads of two possibilities. Either be alone but with the potential for great joy in my life or turn my back on who I truly am and be together but with a constant sadness drifting just below the surface for the rest of my days.

It's a {EXPLETIVE}ty choice to have to make but I can choose to choose or keep rolling along on my present course and a choice will be made for me. I really already know what my choice will be but I keep putting off the day that I declare it. I'm like the addict, hoping for "just one more" happy day.



Mar 15 2017, 07.05pm
Well, it's over. That's all folks! That's all she wrote. The fat lady has sung. Elvis has left the building.

After a supremely {EXPLETIVE}ty day in class, I suggested we go out for wings and beer. My wife accepted and over said wings and beer, she dropped a bomb. She's filing for divorce. She says she can't support me in my transition and be my cheerleader while still being married to me. I can't be angry with her because I saw this coming from the day I first came out to her. We were talking amiably about it and I suggested that my coming out just shed light on all of the things that were wrong with our relationship, so it's not like my being transgender was the sole cause of our breakup.

We decided to sell the retirement property and split the proceeds since she was leaving a whole lot of stuff with me including the house to which she contributed financially and physically over the last 7 or so years. I didn't have a problem with that and even was the first to suggest doing it that way.

One lighter moment was when she was trying to explain the reasons why she couldn't stay with me. I just smiled and said, "I understand. You're just not into girls."

She chuckled and said, "Yeah, that's part of it."

 Cassie,

    Well you haven't left us at a cliffhanger this time but it is oh so sad. As sad as it was I can only wish my marriage was ended so amicably. I won't go into it here though. I'll only say that I am sorry that yours had to end. (((Hug)))

Laurie

That is so sad, Cassie.  I know this is months in the past for you, and that you are moving on, but still, it is sad to read.  Here's another ((((hug)))).

Thank you for the hugs.

You're right though - all this was a long way off in the past, and I was crying as I wrote many of these entries. Not all were sad tears though, there were many happy and hopeful tears too.

Mar 23 2017, 10.03pm
Had my first laser session along with my introductory visit to Dr. {HRT DOCTOR} yesterday.

Yesterday started out on a nice positive note. I was full of optimism about the future and really looking forward to my two appointments. When I got close to downtown, I started practicing my female voice so I could actually try it out on other people in a trans-friendly environment. I wanted to at least start making an effort to use it while out and about so I can sound more...genuine(?) as time goes by.

When I got to {CLINIC} for my laser hair removal appointment, I started reading through work emails. What a mistake that was. There was an incident that once again highlighted my tendency to procrastinate on things until they become and emergency. They always seem to become an emergency when I'm not there. Not good.

The hair removal treatment went well. {ELECTROLOGIST} was very thorough in explaining how the process works and she took great care to ensure that everything would be safe and effective. The level of pain during the treatment was a bit more than I expected though. They say that each discharge of the laser feels like someone snapping a rubber band against your skin. That may be so, but it happens dozens of times in succession, typically about a second or so apart. That kind of pain adds up and gets pretty intense. I was able to breathe through the pain for much of it, but toward the end, I was crushing the life out of the little stress ball she gave me to hold.

It reminded me a bit of the pain of getting a tattoo done. There was the initial stinging sensation that ratcheted up to the point where I started to wonder if I could handle much more. Then came the endorphin dump, just like the tattoo process. It helped take some of the edge off of the pain and left me a bit hazy after the treatment was complete. I wish I could have been a bit more articulate afterward, but all I had to offer were monosyllabic croaks in response to {ELECTROLOGIST}'s questions and statements. So much for the elegant female voice!

My second appointment was with Dr. {HRT DOCTOR} at the clinic. This one I was also excited to get to because I could finally present my HRT letter to the doctor and get officially started on both {REDACTED} and a full-on androgen blocker. That represents another huge step since it will not only further my development as a woman but will start to diminish the bulky testosterone-fueled muscle I've been carrying around since my teens.

Other trans women who have undergone HRT often refer to the first few years as experiencing a second puberty. I can kind of relate as the {REDACTED} I've been taking has had a noticeable effect on both my mind and body. According to Dr. {HRT DOCTOR}, it seems to have been more effective than expected, possibly due to the low testosterone level I already had before dosing myself. She seemed surprised when she took a look at my breasts and I told her I wasn't wearing any pads or anything - it was all me. She said that maybe I won't need as high of a dosage as she originally thought.

I asked if she prescribed any other types of HRT drugs other than {REDACTED} and {REDACTED} and she said she would prescribe progesterone later on to help with breast development.

I came away from that appointment with an order for blood work and a list of prescriptions to start on as soon as I can get them filled.

The ride is just getting started!

My question is:

When's the movie coming out?

Quote from: Cassi on January 27, 2018, 07:04:10 PM
My question is:

When's the movie coming out?

I have no idea but I'm sure, like most movies featuring a trans-woman character, my role will be played by a cis-woman!  ::)

Of course, that little tiny voice of low self-esteem would answer that question with, "But I'm not that interesting."

That voice hasn't had much to say lately though - probably because it gets ignored most days. Like today, when I had to make a quick run to Wal Mart to grab something. It was one of those brief introspective and revelatory moments when I realized that I had just driven over to an unfamiliar Wal Mart in a barely familiar area, grabbed my purse and marched in to get what I needed, completely heedless of the anxiety that would have been almost crippling many months ago. This is the new normal.

Mar 21 2017, 04.43pm
I told my (work) friend "L" today.
She handled the news very well and was totally supportive when I laid it all out at lunch today.

We were sharing stories about the various things that landed us in court and while I had decided to tell her on the Friday before last, it had to wait until today since we had an unexpected plus-one for the walk to the parking structure.

I started off with the, "In addition to the weight loss, you have probably noticed some changes in me - both in appearance, mannerisms, and such." She said she had noticed and thought there was something else going on but didn't ask, preferring to wait until I was ready to talk about it.

We got to the topic of HRT after some talk about my days growing up. I mentioned that I had been self-medicating for the last 112 days and after about the 85-day mark, I started having pain in the nipple area because of the physical changes that are happening. I said, "You may or may not have noticed that I'm a little bigger up here," while motioning toward my breasts. She said she had noticed but thought it might be due to the weight loss.

One significant thing we talked about was my including (Our Director) "Rajah" in my circle of friends-in-the-know, so to speak. She suggested a similar approach to what my therapist suggested about her - that "Rajah" might feel left out as a friend if I were to not tell him before setting up the meeting with HR. So, I guess I'll be bringing him into the circle at some point in the near future. Maybe I should see if I can talk him into going out for a beer or two after work one day. As long as that will take to get our schedules to coincide, it should leave me with plenty of time to prepare. Plus, I'll have the first laser session and visit to Dr. {HRT DOCTOR} behind me and will actually have a paper trail from multiple professionals to back me up. As the learning process goes on, hopefully I'll be just a little bit better informed and able to articulate myself when explaining my situation.

I hope he'll be as understanding as my other friends I've told so far.


Mar 24 2017, 08.36pm
I only ever imagined I would get to this day.

As Dr. {HRT DOCTOR} put it, I'm now officially "in the system". I'm a male-to-female transgender person. Transition has begun and now I have the records to back me up.

I've asked "Rajah" if we can go out for a couple of beers after work one day next week, just the two of us, so we can talk about some "personal stuff". I didn't elaborate and he didn't pry, which is just as well. We're set tentatively for next Friday, the 31st. I'm going to have the chat with him and hope for the best.

With any luck, it will impart an understanding as to why I've been so distant for a while now. I hope he can be as understanding and supportive as my other friends I've told so far. I'll have to include (our Assistant Director) "Candyman" as well shortly thereafter as long as things don't go completely to hell.

Author's note: "Rajah" and "Candyman" are nicknames I've come up with for these guys. Hey, it's my story and I'll tell it how I like! I realized that there are a lot of people in my story and using just a first initial might get confusing to some. Anyway, sometimes I give people nicknames after I've spent a lot of time around them. Those who know me, just wait. If you're around me long enough, you just might get one too! Needless to say, I have them for most of my co-workers because I practically live there.

Mar 25 2017, 10.35am
Started the new meds today.
Well, my first dose of Spiro, anyway.

I feel like the roller-coaster is picking up speed somewhat, given the leaps forward I've had this week.

First laser hair removal treatment.
First visit to an endocrinologist.
First dose of full-blown anti-androgen drugs.
In another 56 hours, I'll be off of the {REDACTED} patches and starting my first of the 7-day generic {REDACTED} patches. It will be nice to not be stuck to the 84-hour timer for changing my patches. I kind of wonder how rapidly my estradiol levels drop in between the time when the patch wears off and I apply the next one. Hopefully the new patches will be a little more manageable but I just have to not forget to change them each week.

Thankfully, both new meds are covered under my insurance so instead of paying about $40 a month for each one, they're $10 each. I can definitely manage that.

What I find, I don't know, ironic is that at one point, I was dismayed at the prospect of having to take some kind of medication basically for the rest of my life. Of course, that was in regard to antidepressants and blood pressure meds. I had issues with that but by the same token, am welcoming the need to take the hormones for equally as long. Well, maybe not that long but certainly for the next decade or so at least.


Mar 25 2017, 10.47am
So many good things happening lately!
Unfortunately, I can't share them at home.

I've been practicing my voice, mostly during the drive to and from work. I think I'm improving pretty quickly the more I use it. After a brief warm-up period, I'm sounding pretty consistent and more genuine, I think. Yesterday, I had used the curling iron to get some waves in my hair - still need practice on that one but I was fairly satisfied with the results. I was dressed in my jeans and had on that black 3/4-sleeve top with the pleated front. "Rajah" said it looked like something he or a Hindu priest might wear to temple. Anyway, I went to Target to pick up my new prescriptions along with a few groceries for my sick wife at home. When I went to check out, my throat was starting to feel a bit scratchy from using my girl voice so I had it toned down a bit. I said a few things to the rather bored-looking cashier - just idle chitchat really, but at one point during the transaction, I caught her taking a good hard look at me. It gave me the impression that maybe I had a brief passing moment just then. Yes, she probably clocked me as trans, but it took getting up close and personal and interacting - not just from across a crowded room.

Maybe, had she been more attentive, she might have read me sooner but still I call this a win, honestly. Maybe if I had kept up with my voice, there would have been no confusion at all.

Back to the second title line of this post. In spite of the fact that we've pretty much decided that our marriage is over, I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I'm hesitant to do things like talk excitedly about finally being officially on HRT, practicing my voice and getting some feedback from my wife on it, and finally the issue of names and gender pronouns.

The name and pronouns thing is something I really didn't think would bother me all that much but that was before I started going out completely 'en-femme'. Now, it bugs me when she refers to me as "he" or "him" and she calls me {DEADNAME}. I really want to take a moment to ask her to at least try to make an effort to use "she" and "her" and the name Cassandra in reference to me.

Once again ,I'm afraid. I'm afraid it might set a negative tone for the rest of the day. I'm afraid it will be just another one of those reminders that we are rapidly moving toward no longer being a "we" anymore.


Mar 26 2017, 11.07pm
How to Love Being a Non-Passing Trans Woman in 9 Affirming Steps
Excerpted from http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/01/how-love-being-non-passing/ (http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/01/how-love-being-non-passing/)

1. Accept That You Will Never Pass All the Time
There will always be someone telling you that you are ugly, unnatural, unfeminine, that you don't pass. Sometimes, you will be that person

2. Grieve the Body That You Wanted, But Cannot Have
This is the fantasy that tells you – not always incorrectly – that with passing comes respect, opportunity, safety, love. This fantasy entraps you, imprisons you, because it keeps you in a constant state of longing to be something, someone else.

3. Meet Non-Passing Trans Women Who Take Your Breath Away
They make you uncomfortable, because they represent everything that you were so scared of becoming – because they don't fit inside the incredibly narrow margin of transgender respectability. And what's more, they don't even seem to care.

4. Start to Dream of New Ways of Looking More Than Pretty
You can wear spaghetti straps on your "man shoulders" if you damn well want to. Better yet, try a dress with shoulder pads that makes them look huge and imperious and intimidating. If you are already taller than the "average" woman, why not heels that make you stand out even higher above the mainstream crowd?

5. Learn to Love the 'Ugly'
Because your non-passing, ugly trans woman body forces people to confront the reality of their own ignorance, the limitations of their tolerance and the smallness of their worlds.

6. Find Your Fierceness
Fierceness is the ability to walk in the world like every ->-bleeped-<-ty alleyway and downtown street is your runway. It is capacity to ride on every crowded bus full of gawkers and catcallers as though seated on a throne.
Fierceness is the courage it takes to get out of bed in the morning when you know that your sisters are being beaten and killed.
Fierceness glows like a flame in you, even when you are feeling your worst and most defeated: it lights you up and makes you shine.

7. Doubt Yourself
There are days when you fly. When you take the world by storm, impervious to harm in your femme armor.
And there are days when you collapse. When all it takes is a misplaced masculine pronoun, or a hurtful question from your partner, or a shouted insult on the subway to take your armor apart.
There are days when you open your Facebook feed, and right there is an article reporting that yet another trans woman has been killed or committed suicide.
These are the days when you fall.

8. Get Your Groove Back
This is how you pick yourself and put yourself back together: You sleep. Cry. Eat ->-bleeped-<-ty foods, or fancy food, if you can afford it. Watch bad TV on the Internet. Call your trans sister and let her tell you about her new amazing outfit/hairdo/manicure/partner/job/art project until you get jealous and have to hang up the phone. Cry. Write bad poetry and post it on Tumblr. Call your trans sister again. Have a heart to heart. Sleep some more.
Then you open the door and face the world again, for all its danger and all its gifts.
Wear something that makes you feel good about yourself.

9. Rinse and Repeat
For the rest of your life.

Author's note: On the subject of passing or non-passing, please put aside for a moment any argument about me to the contrary because this is how I felt back then.

#6 and #8 of that list are particularly meaningful to me and are two pieces of advice I've taken to heart. (Especially that now I actually do have a trans-sister I can call when I need to be emotionally rescued.) #7 also, to a lesser degree. None of us like days like that, but #6 helps prevent that and #8 helps relieve the pain.

Cassie, I'm sorry your marriage ended. I know this happened early last year, but I've just read your post and it seems very fresh. I am terrified of losing my wife. She is my entire world. She is accepting who I am, but it seems as though only just. I am afraid that each step I take will be the one that ends our marriage. I can't imagine living a life without my wife and I can't imagine not progressing with my transition. I am currently just riding the wave without knowing where it will dump me. Sorry, I've turned this into being about me. I agree with Cassi, when is the movie coming out?

Jayne

Quote from: Jayne01 on January 28, 2018, 10:39:51 AM
I can't imagine living a life without my wife and I can't imagine not progressing with my transition. I am currently just riding the wave without knowing where it will dump me. Sorry, I've turned this into being about me. I agree with Cassi, when is the movie coming out?

I feel for you, Jayne. I know those thoughts that are circulating around in your mind. They were my constant companion for a long time and, to a degree, still are. I hope that your situation is different from mine and she just needs time to adjust to the amazing new person who is emerging.

The old, fatalistic coping mechanism that had become a part of me over the years kept telling me that this would be the end of what we had together but deep down inside, I knew it had ended a long time ago. We were either too stubborn or too fearful to let it die. My coming out to her and telling her that I planned to live the rest of my life as a woman merely drove a stake through its heart and finished it off.

It was only several months later when I came to understand that a relationship based on fear is unhealthy to its core.

Mar 26 2017, 11.23pm
What started out as a positive day ended on a down note.
We started out with a nice brunch at Denny's today. We were both so glad that, in spite of us getting there so late, Shelly, our favorite server, was still on shift.

We got greeted by a pleasant, "Hello, ladies" which gave me a little glow inside.

From there we went over to Big Lots and then to Jo-Anne Fabrics where I managed to find what I thought were perfect replacements for the button I broke on my favorite purple button-down top.I was glad for finding those and also at the prospect of only having to sew one button instead of redoing the whole set. Not that I have any doubts as to my sewing skill, but sewing buttons is just plain time-consuming. I suppose, though, I could do it while sitting in front of the TV like any reasonably well-adjusted American.

Afterward, we went over to the mall and had smoothies made by a rather surly young lady. They tasted good, so no harm, no foul. Then, we were off to Belk's where I had hoped to pick up the Tresor gift set I had been eyeing for a while with the 1oz perfume bottle and tubes of both shower gel and body lotion. Of course, they didn't have any of the gift packs on hand so the lady (Mika) at the Lancome counter offered to order it for me. I figured that would be fine since the last things we ordered from Belk's came in a pretty timely manner. I gave her all my information to put in the computer for the order and we ran into a brick wall. For special orders, the machine would only accept cards as payment.

That was when the trouble came up. Thinking in hindsight, I should probably have given her 'Cassandra' as the name for the order instead of '{DEADNAME}'. I guess I'm still not 100% comfortable using that name for day-to-day stuff. Now, had I not been presenting as female and at the same time, pushing my voice into my "girl-voice" range, this may not have been as big an issue for me but when she got distracted and was jetting back and forth between her counter and the one where the order was being filled out, she kept calling over to me, "Sir, I'll be right with you, okay sir? I'll just be a moment sir."

Over and over, like a belt-fed Machine Gun, she fired a withering rain of "sirs" at me. It would not surprise me in the least if I were to wake up one night in a cold sweat, having had some kind of flashback to this casual verbal battering. It took a conscious effort of willpower to withstand this fusillade without returning fire with my own arsenal of lexical weaponry. I think what made me hold back on that was that I wasn't sure if it was deliberate or something she was just doing unconsciously.

I ended up just buying the 1oz perfume bottle and she gave me the 15% off coupon they were offering as well as a sample jar of moisturizer. I walked away and met up with my wife who had gone to sit down by the fountain while I was lost in the fog of war by the cosmetic counter. I had thought that I wasn't going to let the whole incident bother me that much but I suppose she could see that something was wrong. I held back for a time and said that nothing was wrong but after a short walk, I confessed that something was indeed wrong. I told her about those few minutes dealing with the sales lady and the barrage of 'sirs' I had just endured. I told her I didn't think that sort of thing would bother me that much until it actually happened today and that it did bother me - a lot. It bothered me to the point that I spent a good part of the evening in tears, both doing some cleaning in my closet and giving the boys (kittens I adopted a year before) some attention. The cleaning helped, but spending time with the boys just made me feel worse. All of the regrets I've had in keeping them confined to only half of the upstairs because they don't get along with the other cats, came flooding back in a rain of tears. As I had no tissues or anything of the kind, every time I sniffled, I startled the poor dears. Once I had had all I could take, I went back, finished tidying my closet and got to feeding the cats their dinner.

After everyone was filling their bellies, I decided it was time to go and fill mine, but not before taking off my now surely annihilated eye makeup.

This, if nothing else, may serve to drive home the point that I'm ready for a switch in gender pronouns.


Mar 30 2017, 10.56pm
I've been sharing my experiences with "L" lately, and I've got to say, it's a lot less stressful to have a friend to share this stuff with. We went out to lunch yesterday with a couple of the other ladies from work and she mentioned that since starting transitioning, I seem a lot more at ease, especially when we were out to lunch that day. Thinking about it, I tend to agree. A year ago, I would have either said almost nothing the whole time or might not have even gone along in the first place.

She said that there had been questions about me like, "What's with the jewelry?" and "Is he gay or goth or something?"

I've been expecting questions like that, especially the gay question. I've half a mind, if asked that question directly, to respond with, "Not exactly," though I'm not quite ready to start dropping more blatant hints to my co-workers.

We all had a good time during lunch though. I felt like I fit right in.

Another experience I had that same day was another female coworker with whom I was conversing started to tell me some details about her neighbors' abusive relationship which recently resulted in a miniature episode of 'Cops'. This segued into her own story of living with an abusive spouse. Stories like these make me feel like the "river of ->-bleeped-<-" trans people have to swim through just pales in comparison. Granted, I've only dipped my big toe in this river so far, so I have to give nothing but respect to the women who have survived years living in emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationships. The fact that they have come out the other side and survived intact is a testament to the strength within (I hope) all of us.

In spite of having grown up assigned male from birth, it still boggled my mind that guys like that are so common out there in the wild. Then again, I never really got the whole 'machismo' thing that seems to rule the lives of so many men and boys.

Mar 31 2017, 10.42pm
Today was the International Transgender Day of Visibility.
Rather than go to one of the local gatherings planned for the day with which I'm still trying to achieve a comfort level, I took another step toward my future.

I decided to make myself visible to one more person. I came out to my friend and Director of our department at work. I had hoped to have 'the chat', as I've come to call it, with him in a nice relaxed environment with a couple of pints in hand. Instead, we had it in the cab of my truck while on the way over to Mellow Mushroom which is where I had hoped to do this. All of my fears about this moment were desperately clamoring for my attention but I had 'trying not to plow into another vehicle' to focus on while I spilled out my story to him.

I had earnestly hoped that this would go well and it did - well beyond my wildest expectations. I told him that I love my job and enjoy working with the people we have around us and that my intent was to transition while on the job and hopefully actually keep my job. He reassured me that barring any sort of major slip-up, that wasn't going to be an issue. He was so kind in telling me that he would support me 100% in this and was in agreement that we would need to have that meeting with the HR folks in the near future.

My heart leapt when I heard this and it was such an incredible relief to have finally had this conversation and it going so well.

After all that, we took the time to go in and enjoy a couple of pints as I had originally planned. In all, it turned out to be a good evening.

The full impact of what I had just done, what I had just achieved, didn't really hit me until I was on my way home. I actually had to pull off into a rest area on the highway for a few minutes while I cried joyful tears at the thought of what a huge milestone I had just crossed.

Author's note: Shortly after we had arrived at our destination and seated ourselves at the bar, "Rajah"'s wife showed up and sat on the bar stool opposite him. I was already on a roll, so after sharing greetings, she struck up a conversation with a gentleman next to her, and I continued with my story. There I was, pouring my heart out to my Director and friend of almost 15 years, while his wife sat mere feet away, completely oblivious to exactly what was transpiring between us. In retrospect, it's funny in a weird sort of way. At the time, I felt like I was making a desperate throw of the dice with all the money on the table. It was my make-or-break moment and it worked out!

Because of this, in my mind, the somber tone of TDOR will always be tempered with the joy I felt after that moment.


Apr 04 2017, 09.40pm
I had a followup conversation with our director yesterday.
One significant thing he said to me was that out of all of us at work, he saw me as the most 'macho' of the bunch. When I sat back and gave him a confused look, he cited all of the activities which I'd been known to enjoy, such as shooting, hunting, camping, hiking, and general outdoors-y stuff.

At first, I chalked up some of this to a pretty typical type of overcompensation for my denial of my own self. Thinking about it further though, I realized what these activities all had in common - at least with the way in which I partook of them: Solitude.

Whether I was out hiking, camping or hunting, beyond the rare exception, I always went by myself.

Even shooting, though I almost always did it at a gun range of some sort, surrounded by other people, I was still alone. When the earmuffs are on and my sights are aligned perfectly with the target, the outside world and everything in it momentarily ceases to exist. All that exist are the target and the gun in my hands. For that brief moment, we are the center of the universe, a triumvirate joined together in an elegant display of chemistry and physics until the shot is taken and the outside world all comes flooding back.

These brief moments, stolen from the outside world, I keep close to my heart, with the understanding that they above all else are what has helped me survive this long.

Apr 15 2017, 08.23am
It makes my skin crawl...
For about two weeks now, I've been experiencing this "skin crawling" sensation around the vicinity of my right shoulder blade. According to what I've researched, women experiencing menopause sometimes have this happen. It seems to be linked to fluctuations in estrogen levels which has me a bit puzzled since the transdermal patches should give a fairly consistent dosage over the course of each week I'm wearing one.

I suppose I can tolerate it until my next appointment with Dr. {HRT DOCTOR} in June. I expect she'll want to adjust my dosage levels anyway, so the problem may resolve itself at that point. Either that or maybe my body will get accustomed to the new levels.

For now though, it's not distressing in any way. It's more of a distraction and occasionally an annoyance.

Apr 15 2017, 09.04pm
"D"'s birthday celebration was today.
We went to Fogo De Chao (Brazilian steakhouse) for lunch and it was awesome!

The awesome-ness was actually on multiple levels. First and foremost, the food was amazing! The dessert (cheesecake) was far superior to any I've had before. I've never been one to use the term 'orgasmic' in reference to food, but this cheesecake was without a doubt, orgasmic!

On top of all that, we had an entire battalion of servers coming by the table, up to and including the manager, bringing us food, checking on us, etc. To my delight, not only did they all address us as 'ladies' but individually, they alternated between calling me 'miss' and 'ma'am'. I couldn't help but be happy as can be with the way we were treated.

I was wearing that pintucked black top I have along with my jeans and ankle boots with the 3" heels. My hair was twisted up in a clip with the end ratted out and I was wearing that A-cup bra I bought a while back. I can't quite fill that bra with what I have now but that, combined with the padded cups gave me, I suppose, a convincing enough bust to reinforce my feminine appearance.

It was only at the point when I paid for the meal that the manager saw the name on my card and gave me kind of a strange look as he brought it back to the table. I guess I should step up my timetable for the legal name change. When we left there, I changed into my new outfit with the glittery t-shirt, the new capri jeans, and my black sandals. With that shirt on, my...endowments were much more obvious. The material of the bra cups was creasing a little bit at the top but I think the print of the shirt kind of disguised that from being too obvious. I wonder how long it will take me to completely fill out that bra?

Afterward, we went and saw the new Beauty and the Beast at the theater in Citywalk. The movie was excellent but, having never seen the original, I have nothing to compare it to. Maybe I'll check out the original and see how it measures up.

We went into the Islands of Adventure side of the park when we left the theater and headed over to Hogsmeade to see a couple of the stage shows. The first act was an acapella group with singing toads who sung, among other things, the 'Double Double, Toil and Trouble' song from one of the Harry Potter films. The second act was a song and dance routine featuring the visiting students from the other schools of magic which was from Goblet of Fire.


Apr 16 2017, 07.23pm
Transgender bathroom issues.
I had almost gotten up the courage to use the ladies' room yesterday but backed out at the last minute both times out of fear of being 'read' and someone freaking out about my being in there. I used the 'not wanting to ruin "D"'s birthday' idea as my excuse. It's not an entirely invalid reason, in my opinion.

Today however, I finally went and did it. We went to the mall and while we were enjoying some drinks in the book store, I started getting the urge to pee. As I sat there, pondering whether or not I wanted to take a chance and hit the ladies' room, a couple of things occurred to me. One is that I needed to check and possibly fix my hair and two, I needed to reapply my lipstick - both of which would not be terribly welcomed in the men's room. So, I took the advice I read a while back and walked with my chin up and tits out and went straight to the ladies' room. It was completely empty - not surprising, considering it was Easter Sunday - which definitely helped me take those first steps in. I chose a stall that looked fairly clean, sat down to do my business, flushed, washed my hands, and proceeded to address the hair and lipstick issues. While I was doing that, another woman came in to heed the call of nature. She didn't cast me a second glance and by the time she was done in her stall, I was already gone.

I think I can declare this another milestone happily passed along my journey.

Of course, it will be interesting to see how it goes when I walk into a busy ladies' room. As is the hope of every trans person, I hope I'm passable enough.

I must say though, I'm REALLY looking forward to getting the name and gender marker changed on my drivers' license in preparation for the day some woman with an overinflated sense of self-importance decides to declare herself the bathroom police that day and question whether or not I belong in there. Then I can flash my license and point out that, not only does the 'F' stand for 'Female', but it also stands for '{EXPLETIVE} you!'

Apr 26 2017, 07.56pm
Went to the podiatrist today.
I was completely "En femme" and in spite of what it said on my license and insurance card, all of the ladies in the office made and effort to address me as "Miss Bradley" and "she" and "her" in reference to me. They were all so sweet! In spite of the bad news, they made me feel happy.

On to the not-so-nice part. The bone spur on my heel is something I'm pretty much stuck with for the rest of my life but some physical therapy might help ease the pain after a day of walking. We shall see. I have my first PT appointment scheduled for the same day as my next laser treatment and visit to the therapist.

May 01 2017, 11.11pm
"Passing privilege"
There's a term I've heard tossed around here and there in reference to trans people. That term is "Passing privilege".

It's used in the same context as "white privilege", where it suggests certain advantages that exist just because someone is the way that they are - something like a trophy awarded to someone for "just showing up".

Passing privilege refers to a trans person (man or woman, though I'm mainly speaking from my experiences as a trans woman) who is able to be seen by others as their true gender - i.e. not the one assigned at birth. I can't help but be somewhat offended by this term.

Back when I started transitioning, I expected to have a long hard road ahead of me with regard to being seen as a woman by just random strangers I encounter in my daily life. There were some not-too-pleasant moments to get where I am now, but I've come so far in such a short time. Now, when I'm out "en femme", which is nearly all of the time I'm not at work, I routinely get called "ma'am" or "miss" or addressed as "ladies" when with other women. This happens regardless of whether I'm wearing a bra with a little padding in it or one that only shows off what genetics (and hormones) have given me thus far. Makeup I use is generally very subtle, usually but with some exceptions, following the "less is more" principle.

I didn't get that way "just by showing up". I have worked very hard in the last few months to break 45 years of male habits drilled into me by a society that insisted I behave in accordance with the configuration of my genitalia.

Sure, one can dress in women's clothing, put on makeup, and wear their hair long, which are all superficial parts of the female archetype. There is so much more than that, however. Not only have I been breaking down all of those old habits commonly associated with males, but I have made an effort to integrate behaviors and mannerisms associated with women. For a while, this practically consumed the entirety of my attention. Always mindful, always evaluating, always adjusting - even when no one else was around, I made sure to keep it up.

Breaking the old male habits and adopting my new and proper female habits has come easier to me than I had expected. I've started to get to a point where walking a certain way, standing a certain way, gestures, speech patterns, posture, have all become less of a conscious effort on my part, and have just become regular habits. Whether or not that reinforces the idea that, yes I have been psychologically a woman all my life is certainly open for debate but it does certainly suggest that such is the case.

The reasons for changing these habits are many. They say that when people meet someone for the first time, an impression is made within the first 15 seconds of that meeting. During that 15 seconds, beyond the visual (attire, hair, makeup or lack thereof), there are so many other, more subtle cues that people pick up on subconsciously. The way one stands, the way one walks, one's hand gestures, posture, whether one folds one's arms beneath or on top of the breasts, the tilt of the head at certain times - all of those are little subconscious cues that stack up on top of each other to build the unquestionable idea in the mind of the observer that they are looking at and talking to a woman. Some have referred to it as the way "one carries oneself".

Confidence is also a factor, but that can't be learned from a book or taught in class. It certainly can't be conveyed by a social media posting. Confidence is the house of oneself which must be built, brick by brick. All of the little victories - for trans people, it's being addressed or referred to as our proper gender - add bricks to this house. Some things will serve to break down parts of this house, but if we are attentive and can recognize such moments, we can learn from them and experience fewer of those, going forward. Eventually, sooner for some and later for others, we can present the outward appearance of a woman, coupled with the aforementioned subtle cues, and radiating confidence like the brightest star in the heavens. We can hold our head high, walk proudly into any social setting and positively light up the room through personality alone.

In conclusion, I may be accused by some as having this "passing privilege", but damn it, I am EARNING this, I am WORKING for this, and I am going to OWN it!

(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/o9cf0ajror2dkxs/cassie.jpg)

May 06 2017, 01.16am
Something smells foul...
In the last few days, I've been noticing smells. Not really pleasant smells, mind you - rather foul smells.

Last Saturday, we were at the IHOP in Leesburg when the Bikefest was in full swing. Seated at the table next to us was a couple who intermittently stank of baby powder. During the work week, I rode the train to work a couple of days and during one period, I made the mistake of sitting across the aisle from a guy who had some very distinct, very pungent B.O. going on. Seriously, it was FUNKY. It certainly explained why there were so many available seats in that part of the train. Had he not gotten off shortly after I sat down, I probably would have had to move.

On Friday, during the trip home, I noticed a sharp stench of liquor coming from one of the nearby passengers. Again: FUNKY! In fact, on Thursday, I noticed what smelled like an alcoholic beverage smell coming from one of the managers with whom I was working at the time. He didn't seem debilitated by it, but it was noticeable.

I've had a pretty sensitive nose to begin with but lately, it seems to be working overtime. I've read that supposedly, women have a better sense of smell than men, so I can't help but wonder if this has something to do with the HRT.

Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part but it will be interesting to see if it is just a passing thing or if it intensifies. Of course, the latter prospect is a bit unsettling.



May 28 2017, 01.45pm
Road trip!
A club up in Daytona is doing their once-a-year 701 South goth night tonight. Originally, I was interested in going but not sure about the logistics of going out on a Sunday night and then driving straight to work on Monday morning. That was until "I" reminded me that Monday is Memorial Day and I have the day off. A fact which I had forgotten on at least three separate occasions this week!

So, I decide I am going and staying at "I" & "S"'s place. I picked out the things I was going to wear the night before and packed it all into a suitcase this morning. It was only when I was almost to their house that I realized this was another one of those little milestones in my transition. That being, going on a road trip and overnight stay as Cassandra. I'm a bit proud of myself that it took me that long to realize just what I was doing. I did my normal morning routine, packed my clothes and makeup and hit the road like it was no big deal - business as usual.

I'm damned proud of myself!

I read progress in your more recent posts. Becoming comfortable with Cassandra and enjoying your time en femme. Liking who you are. Progress all.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Hi Cassie 🙋‍♀️ I'm Jessica!  Just discovered your thread.  I've got some catching up to do. 

Quote from: Jessica on January 31, 2018, 12:11:48 AM
Hi Cassie 🙋‍♀️ I'm Jessica!  Just discovered your thread.  I've got some catching up to do.

Hi Jessica! Welcome to my thread!

Right now, what I've posted are still events from the past, but I'm moving pretty quickly and should be arriving at real-time very soon. I can only hope to keep things as interesting, given the frequency at which I'm doing journal entries these days! :D

Quote from: Laurie on January 30, 2018, 11:56:45 PM
I read progress in your more recent posts. Becoming comfortable with Cassandra and enjoying your time en femme. Liking who you are. Progress all.

I was honestly surprised at how quickly things that would have been terrifying just a short time before, became no big deal.

May 28 2017, 02.02pm
The splinter in the mind.
This is the theme I've been using as a way to help people understand what it's like growing up transgender and not really understanding it.

I borrowed this theme from "The Matrix", where Morpheus describes the feeling Neo is experiencing as a "splinter in your mind".

When I'm having "the chat" with each of my friends, in which I come out to them and explain that I'm transgender and what that's like, I have been telling them this and it seems to be an effective way of describing how I've felt.

Have you ever gotten a splinter in your finger? One of those splinters that gets just below the surface of the skin and, try as you might, you just can't extract it? It hurts, but only for a while. Soon, you forget it's there and go on with your life but every now and then, you bump it or brush it against something and it starts to hurt again.

Now, imagine having this splinter in your mind and there are certain things that affect it like bumping it or brushing it against something and it hurts now and again.

Imagine having this splinter for 30 years and not really knowing what's wrong. All of these little things hurt as the years go by. The pain typically manifests itself in many different ways - sometimes anger, sometimes depression, sometimes frustration, but always there is a general underlying feeling of wrongness. Something is wrong, but you can't quite figure out what.

Well, it took a lot of years, but I finally figured out what that wrongness is and what I can do about it. It took about another 15 years of denying that to finally get to the point where I was able to both accept that fact about myself and have the courage to finally act upon it.

Since making that choice, and coming out to more and more of my friends (and getting comfortable even using the term 'coming out' in reference to myself), I've become more confident that I've made the right choice and am actually eagerly anticipating what the future holds for me on this journey. I'm finding out just how blessed I am, given how many people have expressed their willingness to stand by me during this part of my life.



Jun 03 2017, 10.31pm
Tears of joy...
I wrote this on the T-Network page and decided I need to keep a copy for myself as well:

At the most recent event, hosted at {TRANS ALLY}'s home, we had many memorable conversations.

One in particular which sticks out in my mind is a brief exchange between "A" and myself. Forgive me if I don't get the quote exact - I'm dredging this up from a memory which was lovingly sprinkled with wine that evening. ;)

"A" said, "That's the best part of being a woman."
"What is?" I replied.
"The hugs."

I smiled and nodded.

This conversation, brief as it was, gave me a bit of food for thought. The concept percolated to the surface of my consciousness every now and again over the next few days until it hit me why that notion had stuck with me. I disagreed.

Allow me to qualify that before you compose and fire off a sternly-worded hashtag in my direction. :)

The hugs may be "A"'s "best part of being a woman", but it's not mine. Sure, hugs are nice but there is something that I personally find much more moving and powerful than hugs. It is a much more introspective thing as opposed to interactive like the act of hugging and can be summed up in three words: Tears of joy.

In all of the years I have been circling the sun on this ball of mud we call the Earth, I had never ever EVER experienced tears of joy. I had tears of sadness here and there but those moments were few and far between. Since accepting who I am and deciding to finally let her out of her prison cell to walk in the sun, I have been able to experience this most powerful feeling. My friends and people I work with have said that I seem so much happier now and they are absolutely right. I can feel so happy that I break down and cry.

With what I've experienced in these few months since starting my journey toward my authentic self, I can't go any direction but forward and no one will be able to take this away from me - least of all myself.

WARNING - This post features features a theme of suicidal ideation.

Jun 05 2017, 07.14am
How goth saved my life.
Having grown up feeling a sense of general wrongness most of my life which I only much later figured out was being trans, I had some rough periods in my life. One particularly rough time was in my mid-to-late twenties. It was during that time that I was dealing with a lot of stress and depression which manifested itself in, among other things, a bout of anorexia.
Also during that time, like so many other trans folks, I had contemplated suicide. I even had a .45 caliber silvertip hollowpoint bullet all picked out for the job. I chose silver because many of the old legends say that it takes silver to destroy a monster. I never actually pulled that trigger, but came pretty close on a couple of occasions. I remember vividly one such occasion where I had that round in the chamber of my 1911 with the hammer back and just sitting there staring long and hard at the exit door right there in my hands.

(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/41kibcni3m7c7rk/silverbullet.jpg)

As a side effect of the anorexia, I was rapidly losing weight, as one would expect. Having been overweight most of my life, the weight loss served to ease some of the disgust I had felt for so long about being stuck in a body that didn't feel right. In addition to that, I started to get into the goth scene, mostly in South Florida (West Palm Beach, Ft. Lauderdale, etc.), and to a lesser extent Orlando, though I didn't live there. Where I did live at the time, there was no actual goth "scene" to speak of. I also became involved in a goth mailing list (old-school internet-style) called The Florida Coven. Through that list, I met a number of amazing and wonderful people, some of whom I still call my friends.

I quickly became comfortable with this group, going to clubs, having parties (or Sleazefests as some of them were called), but the biggest impact it all had on my life was the freedom of style. I didn't yet know I was transgender at the time, but just having the freedom to do all of these little things like grow my nails out and paint them, dress in ways that cross gender boundaries, play around with makeup, all of it helped to ease the dysphoria I had been suffering from for so many years.

It was almost therapeutic for me, being among a group with whom I felt so comfortable just being myself. After a time, I decided I didn't need that bullet and instead made it into a pendant which I wore around my neck for several years afterward. It served as a reminder that no matter how bad things get, I can work past it.

Cassie, thank you so much for this thread. You eloquently put into words so much of what I have personally experienced but had no words to describe. I also like your splinter in the mind analogy. I may have to borrow that when I come out to people.

Jayne

Quote from: Jayne01 on February 01, 2018, 03:49:49 AM
Cassie, thank you so much for this thread. You eloquently put into words so much of what I have personally experienced but had no words to describe. I also like your splinter in the mind analogy. I may have to borrow that when I come out to people.

Hi Jayne,

By all means, please feel free to use whatever I can share on here. I'm happy to be of help - especially when it comes to helping folks understand just what it is we're experiencing. Not only do cis people not understand, they can't understand - not without our help.

Jun 14 2017, 07.09pm
I had a delightful surprise today!
Early in the afternoon, I got an email from the director of the Public Relations department at work, asking if I was in my office. I replied that I was, for the first time today.

About 15 minutes later, she and the rest of her team came filing into my office. My expression changed to one of, "What's going on here?" as I watched them come in. It turns out that they had come down there to give me a little present. It was a bracelet from Alex and Ani with a ship's wheel on it.

The enclosed card read:

"Your inner compass will steer you in the right direction. Providing you with guidance on your life's journey. It points the way that leads to a brighter future. Embrace a new start, take the wheel, and realize that all things are possible when you trust your inner power."

I was speechless for a moment, filled with a flood of emotions. I later told "C" (the director) that it was a good thing she didn't ask me to read the card out loud because I would have lost my composure entirely (but in a good way)!

This was such a sweet gesture on their part. I can't recall having ever experienced such a spontaneous act of kindness like this directed at me. I thanked them and gave everyone a hug after I put on the new bracelet and showed it off with my other two.
(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/3n6nfrrsmyaiafq/shipswheel.jpg)
This is one of those unforgettable moments that will bring a smile to my face for the rest of my years.



Jun 16 2017, 04.35pm
Cassandra visits Winter Park as herself.
Nearly one year after making the decision to start exercising more and eating less, I made my own version of a "soft opening", as they say in the restaurant world.

I had my 3-month med check with my HRT doctor at 8am and decided I'd swing by Winter Park to see if "K" wanted to meet up for coffee. She excitedly responded in the affirmative.

I parked the car, grabbed my purse, and walked down the block to the Starbucks right across the street from where I work. "K" was standing there on the sidewalk, watching me approach with a big smile on her face. She had never seen me in person as Cassandra before today. For me, it didn't feel much different than any other day, but that's a benefit of the confidence I had been building about being "out" over the last few months.

Though I was my true self that day, I still gave the name, "Ferret" to the cashier. It had crossed my mind to use "Cassandra" but I thought I'd save that for the very special occasion coming up on July 3rd.

As I was doctoring my coffee, one of the baristas who recognized me as a regular, looked me up and down, asked me how I was doing, and said, "Glittery purple polish?" in reference to my toenails. My first thought at that was that they're really painted more of a magenta, but I let it slide. I told him that I was off that day and came to visit a friend. He asked where I worked and I told him I worked right across the street. I kind of wanted to tell him that next month, this is how I will be showing up all the time, but decided to save that for a later time.

"K" and I found a place to sit by the fountain, underneath the blooming jasmine trees - never a more perfect setting for two ladies to sit and chat over coffee. I don't remember how we got on to the topic, but I mentioned to her about my process of having to break myself of a lot of male habits and be conscious of adopting female mannerisms. I told her about how it initially took a conscious effort to always be aware of how I walk, how I talk, how I stand, what gestures I made, and a whole host of other things. I also commented on just how quickly and easily those things became habit - almost as though they were always there and are finally coming out. She said essentially the same thing and that all she sees now is the woman I've become. I'm soooo ready to be full-time! I can't wait for July 3rd to get here.

In all, it was a good day!


Author's note: "K", referenced in this post, is one of my coworkers to whom I had come out only a few months prior to the date of this event. She has been a dear friend to me and having only met me a short time prior, has had the easiest time of adjusting her use of name and pronouns. She remarked at one point that when I originally introduced myself to her as "{DEADNAME}", she looked at me and thought, "Sure, if you say so". By then, I had been pushing my appearance and mannerisms further and further toward the feminine side and people were noticing.

Oh, and "Ferret" is a nickname I have carried for about the last 20 years. I started using it for various drink and lunch orders instead of "{DEADNAME}" because I wasn't really him anymore but I wasn't quite "Cassandra"...yet.



Jun 18 2017, 07.25am
Had a nice shopping day yesterday.
My wife, "D", and I went down the Altamonte to do a bit of shopping. I can recall a time when I might have rolled my eyes and said, "Ugh" at such a prospect. Quite the opposite now, I'm happy to say.

It was an especially nice day in that I finally found a pair of women's pants in a size that fit me which were comfortable, the right length, and flattering. Oh, and did I mention that they were comfortable? The material felt luxurious on my skin!

Combine that with the delivery of the three shirts I had ordered, and my work wardrobe was suddenly expanded. All of the shirts fit, especially the polo shirt I had ordered. At first glance when I unpacked it, it looked like it was going to be too small, but I was wrong - it was a perfect fit! I will definitely have to order some more of those in an array of colors because this one looked really cute on me.

It makes me so happy to think about how much more I care about what I wear both at work and just being around in general than I did in previous years. Clothing is now something I can enjoy, rather than just serving the utilitarian purpose of covering up my body.


Author's note: You may wonder why a wife who clearly doesn't want to stay married to me is willing to go shopping with me to expand my new wardrobe. By this time, she had come to accept my new reality as just that - reality. While we can't stay married, we are still friends.

Quote from: SassyCassie on February 01, 2018, 04:43:33 AM
Jun 14 2017, 07.09pm
I had a delightful surprise today!
Early in the afternoon, I got an email from the director of the Public Relations department at work, asking if I was in my office. I replied that I was, for the first time today.

About 15 minutes later, she and the rest of her team came filing into my office. My expression changed to one of, "What's going on here?" as I watched them come in. It turns out that they had come down there to give me a little present. It was a bracelet from Alex and Ani with a ship's wheel on it.

The enclosed card read:

"Your inner compass will steer you in the right direction. Providing you with guidance on your life's journey. It points the way that leads to a brighter future. Embrace a new start, take the wheel, and realize that all things are possible when you trust your inner power."

I was speechless for a moment, filled with a flood of emotions. I later told "C" (the director) that it was a good thing she didn't ask me to read the card out loud because I would have lost my composure entirely (but in a good way)!

This was such a sweet gesture on their part. I can't recall having ever experienced such a spontaneous act of kindness like this directed at me. I thanked them and gave everyone a hug after I put on the new bracelet and showed it off with my other two.
(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/3n6nfrrsmyaiafq/shipswheel.jpg)
This is one of those unforgettable moments that will bring a smile to my face for the rest of my years.

How awesome! What a nice gesture.

Quote from: Jayne01 on February 01, 2018, 11:35:24 AM
How awesome! What a nice gesture.

It was! I still wear those bracelets most of the time. They've been my inspiration over the months. Back when I originally wrote that, I was still two weeks from my official "coming out" day at work, but by that time all of the managers and directors had been informed of the upcoming change.

Quote from: SassyCassie on February 01, 2018, 12:50:31 PM
It was! I still wear those bracelets most of the time. They've been my inspiration over the months. Back when I originally wrote that, I was still two weeks from my official "coming out" day at work, but by that time all of the managers and directors had been informed of the upcoming change.

Cassie gave me a tour yesterday, and I met some of her coworkers. Every one of them treated her with respect and even friendship. I was very impressed, and it shows not only the quality of her coworkers, but also the excellent person she is to earn that kind of acceptance. Very cool!

Stephanie

Jul 15 2017, 02.27pm
I had my "Day 1" on July 3rd. That was almost two weeks ago.

Of all the places which have the most people who might have an issue with me, the {REDACTED} compound is in the top 3. Of course, we had a switch get hit by lightning over the weekend out there and it needed to be replaced ASAP.

So much for easing into things. Instead, I hit the ground running!

Since it was a bridge day between a weekend and a holiday, there was hardly anyone there and I really only ran into one person while I was working. We just exchanged greetings and went on with our work, just as with any normal day which, I suppose it was.

The best part of that day was, without a doubt, when I got my new ID badge. Finally, I'm just Cassandra both at home and at work. I still have to get the legal name change done, but just being able to live as one person after all this time is an amazingly liberating feeling. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

When July 4th came around, of course I had the day off and some time to reflect on the previous day. It almost felt surreal, like some sort of dream. Wednesday though, I was right back in the trenches and got called out to {REDACTED} to help "Mumbles" with some phones and PCs that weren't getting network access. This time the facility was fully staffed and the first office we went into had three guys in it. I was there, dressed as my newly-out self, and I don't think they quite knew how to act. All three of them filed out through the door as "Mumbles" and I got to work. I originally thought they were going some place quiet to have a giggle, but I may have been wrong about that. I later heard that most of the managers out there hadn't told their staff about me and I think "G", their manager, was giving them the Cliff's Notes version real quick.

In all, it was an incredibly busy week but I was met with nothing but positivity from everyone I ran into. I mainly stuck to going places where I had business to handle and just walking in like nothing at all was different. It turns out, that seems to be the best way to go about this. My therapist had said that basically, if I don't make a big deal out of it, most other people won't either.


Jul 15 2017, 02.49pm
According to our Nurse Coach at work, the HR manager gave a presentation in the Employee Orientation this week which, among other things, covered the harassment policies. I didn't get a whole lot of detail but there were a few people who asked questions about me and she had said they were asked very nicely and seemed to be out of genuine curiosity.

She told me that even though I'm transitioning for myself, I've been a catalyst for some positive change at work. I thanked her for sharing that with me. It made me happy to hear!

Jul 23 2017, 10.22pm
Today, I had to work pretty hard to drag myself out of the house and run the errands that needed running. One of those errands involved going to Target to pick up my Spiro prescription which, for some reason, hadn't been refilled with my Estradiol patches. I had less than a day's worth left, so I couldn't wait any longer.

When I got there, I had the card in hand from the last time I had gotten it filled, so there could be no mistake. I handed it to the pharmacist - a woman around my age. She looked at the card and then at me and said to me, "I'm not sure how to ask this, but what's your name? I know I can't call you '{DEADNAME}' - it would probably be a little awkward."

"My name's 'Cassandra", I replied, "Thank you for asking".

She smiled and said, "No problem, Cassandra. I'm Dyan. Just give me 15 minutes and I'll have this filled."

This exchange, brief as it was, really made my day. Most times, people see and treat me like any other woman. Given that my old name is still on the prescription forms, I am effectively outing myself every time I go to the pharmacy or any other place at which legal identity documentation is involved. I had always assumed that they see more than a few trans women like myself, who are picking up prescriptions for Spiro and Estradiol, and at this point it was no big deal. It still is, of course, but to be acknowledged at trans and treated with this degree of understanding is a wonderful feeling.

Purely by coincidence, I got a text from CVS, asking me to take a survey. Normally, I don't bother with those store- or restaurant-visit surveys but I went ahead and did this one. I answered everything honestly and in the freeform comment section, I filled up the alotted number of characters with a glowing review of my interaction with Dyan.

I'm actually looking forward to getting my next prescription refill and hoping Dyan is there again.



Jul 26 2017, 10.47pm
Yesterday, I had a conversation with one of my coworkers. The conversation took a turn, I don't remember how, toward the topic of gender confirmation surgery - specifically, the "bottom surgery" undergone by many trans women. I never stated or even implied that I was entertaining the thought of doing that myself.

One of the things she said that sticks out in my mind was that, "...it's unnatural". "The end result isn't natural".

She also used that same term in reference to the changes in brain chemistry and emotions I had been experiencing as part of hormone therapy.

"Unnatural", she said.

I didn't really have a lucid response for these statements at the time, but it gave me food for thought.

I can't help but wonder a few things:

Is spending over 40 years living with a brain wired for the wrong body, "natural"?
Is living all these years depressed and angry at a subconscious level, "natural"?

If the answer to either of these questions is "yes", then all I have to offer nature is an upraised middle finger.



Jul 31 2017, 09.34pm
It's been a while since the last one, but today was a particularly rough day. I'm running a serious sleep deficit already and it's only Monday. That's probably a huge part of the problem.

Today started out a little slow, but I kept getting pulled in many different directions and was unable to focus very long on any one given thing. A friend asked me to go and get coffee with her. I gratefully accepted, enjoying the brief respite from the seemingly endless series of interruptions.

I think what made today the hardest for me in a while were two things:

For a while now, I've been hung up on the quality of my voice, vis a vis sounding more feminine. It's been bothering me that I can't seem to make any progress in that regard, especially when talking to someone over the phone, which I do quite a bit as part of my job.

Second, and somewhat related, is that I've been getting misgendered repeatedly all day. More often than not, the people who do it don't even realize they did. I try to maintain an understanding that everyone around me has to adjust but when I'm tired like this, my defenses are way down and stuff like this gets under my skin more than it normally would. Combined with being self-conscious about my voice, and it made for a lousy day.

Late afternoon, because of all of this, I was emotionally not in a very good place. I sought solace in visiting with friends for a few minutes, but couldn't bring myself to just open up and share what was really bothering me. I didn't want to sound like I was pissing and moaning about the same thing over and over again and just complaining instead of actually doing anything to remedy the situation, so I kept quiet and did my best to maintain my composure.

It's disconcerting just how easily that mask slides back into place.

I knew early on into this transition that I would be tested again and again but didn't know when it would come. I think today is one of those days. What has me the most worried is just how often I will be tested in the days to come and what the end result will be.

I'm honestly terrified of the prospect that things might get bad enough that I just say, "{EXPLETIVE} it" and walk away - just resigning myself to being the same old miserable overweight sloth, committing a slow suicide through neglect.

I've come so far in such a short period of time that I don't want to give it all up. I'm not anywhere near that "{EXPLETIVE} it" moment but even the slimmest possibility that that time may come has me worried.

Hi Cassandra,

Your last post was written six months ago. Having met you last month I can say that the woman I met appears well beyond the point of ever reliving, "I'm honestly terrified of the prospect that things might get bad enough that I just say, "{EXPLETIVE} it" and walk away". The woman that I met had too much joy and presence of self to go back "There".

You did speak of a thing that has continued to get to me, even after being out full time for over a year now. You spoke of a time when your emotions were way down and said, "I sought solace in visiting with friends for a few minutes, but couldn't bring myself to just open up and share what was really bothering me. I didn't want to sound like I was pissing and moaning about the same thing over and over again and just complaining instead of actually doing anything to remedy the situation, so I kept quiet and did my best to maintain my composure". Both you and I realize that this is not the way to deal with such bouts of low spirits but I continually fall into that trap; just coming out of a bad round of such times now. I have yet to find a reliable course correction when down in the dumps. Those are the only times that I really get seriously scared anymore.

I look forward to your continued story.

Tia Anne

 Hi Cassi and you too Tia,

  Your conversation of both of you getting down at this point in your transition is unpleasant for me to read. Not really from fear of doing it myself but from the reference of friends who are further along than I have these fears. More so with you Tia because you are quite a bit ahead of me. Cassie you  and I started about the same time but with all the help you have been to Stephanie I just think of you and being further along too. I sort of look up to both of you and I bothers me to think of you two having problems. But I guess you are human too and can also have your ups and downs. Like you all here do for me I am here to help you both if I can.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Cassie, sorry to borrow your thread for a moment but there is something I need to tell Laurie.

Laurie, yes, you know bloody well that life has its ups and downs and this silly dance that life has given us does indeed have significant challenges, BUT.....you have met several women from here at Susan's and you have seen the joy that is present in their lives. You have spent time with Deb and me and you saw and know the fullness of life that we have been blessed with. We all stumble but I am not aware of any of us that would ever consider letting go of the joy and proper completeness that living the life we have found to go back, even if we could. AND, I have personally seen that same joy in your face. Don't even pretend to tell me that you don't know the value of what you have found in this life sister! And, all I need is for you and the rest of our brothers and sisters to help us up when we stumble. By the way, thank you for being there for so many of us, we would appreciate it if you would be willing to accept the hand up offered to you from so many committed co-conspirators, err, I mean friends.

Thanks for the loan of your thread Cassie!

Tia Anne

Quote from: Anne Blake on February 05, 2018, 07:12:19 PM...you have met several women from here at Susan's and you have seen the joy that is present in their lives. You have spent time with Deb and me and you saw and know the fullness of life that we have been blessed with. We all stumble but I am not aware of any of us that would ever consider letting go of the joy and proper completeness that living the life we have found to go back, even if we could. AND, I have personally seen that same joy in your face. Don't even pretend to tell me that you don't know the value of what you have found in this life sister! And, all I need is for you and the rest of our brothers and sisters to help us up when we stumble. By the way, thank you for being there for so many of us, we would appreciate it if you would be willing to accept the hand up offered to you from so many committed co-conspirators, err, I mean friends.

Yes, what she said!

Both Tia and I have had a bad time of it in the last week or so, but neither one of us would even consider any other path but the one we're on. When the bad times pass, the joy is so intense at times that it's almost incomprehensible. Today is one of those days for me, at least. The idea that I can be happy just because I'm me is wonderfully novel.

Cassie just made me aware of something that I hadn't realized - or at least acknowledged: that I have brought happiness to other people's lives. My first reaction was to dismiss the thought. After living with such low self-esteem for so long, the best I would allow myself is that people might tolerate me. But as I slowly learn to love myself, maybe I can accept that people like me, and once in a while my existence is appreciated. The cool thing about happiness, like hugs, is when you give it away, you get it back multiplied.

Tia, I'm so glad to see you back here. You had me worried, girl. I will always think of you as that confident, classy woman that everyone fell in love with, who I met in Phoenix. The unsure, depressed soul I've seen a few times lately is a stranger to me, and should be to you, too. Leave her behind and join the joyful times with the rest of us!

And I'll add my apologies to Cassie about highjacking her thread...


- Stephanie

Quote from: Anne Blake on February 05, 2018, 05:56:52 PM
Your last post was written six months ago. Having met you last month I can say that the woman I met appears well beyond the point of ever reliving, "I'm honestly terrified of the prospect that things might get bad enough that I just say, "{EXPLETIVE} it" and walk away". The woman that I met had too much joy and presence of self to go back "There".

Over the course of my life, there are a great many things that have just come easily for me. It didn't take a whole lot of effort to, not necessarily excel, but to do reasonably well at something. Of course, what that bred is a tendency to just up and quit when something becomes more than a little bit of a challenge. For a long time since I realized how much good transitioning was for me, I had been afraid of that tendency to quit just rearing its ugly head. That fear is magnified by the staggering number and magnitude of challenges I've been facing. Now that I'm thinking about it a bit more deeply, I could say it was almost like I was being pursued by a demon wearing an all-too-familiar face and whom I would change back into if he ever caught up to me.

Maybe that's why I don't necessarily regard my former self as being "dead" as in the context of the term "deadname", but I do have a burning desire to meticulously and methodically erase every trace of his existence.

In the months since writing those above passages, I suppose I've largely allowed myself to let go of that fear of ever giving up and going back. With that comes the confidence that I can do this, I will do this and I am doing this!

Quote from: Anne Blake on February 05, 2018, 05:56:52 PM
You did speak of a thing that has continued to get to me, even after being out full time for over a year now. You spoke of a time when your emotions were way down and said, "I sought solace in visiting with friends for a few minutes, but couldn't bring myself to just open up and share what was really bothering me. I didn't want to sound like I was pissing and moaning about the same thing over and over again and just complaining instead of actually doing anything to remedy the situation, so I kept quiet and did my best to maintain my composure". Both you and I realize that this is not the way to deal with such bouts of low spirits but I continually fall into that trap; just coming out of a bad round of such times now. I have yet to find a reliable course correction when down in the dumps. Those are the only times that I really get seriously scared anymore.

Part of my being hesitant to talk with them about such things is that, at the time, none of my friends could really and truly understand what I was dealing with. Since Steph and I have become such close friends, we each have someone with whom we can share just about anything regardless of the topic and for the most part we "get it".

Falling into that old trap as you put it was far too easy before having someone close to me who is dealing with many of the exact same challenges as I.

Quote from: Laurie on February 05, 2018, 06:26:46 PM
  Your conversation of both of you getting down at this point in your transition is unpleasant for me to read. Not really from fear of doing it myself but from the reference of friends who are further along than I have these fears. More so with you Tia because you are quite a bit ahead of me. Cassie you  and I started about the same time but with all the help you have been to Stephanie I just think of you and being further along too. I sort of look up to both of you and I bothers me to think of you two having problems. But I guess you are human too and can also have your ups and downs. Like you all here do for me I am here to help you both if I can.

When I went to my first T-Network gathering last year, I had never (AFAIK) met any other transgender people. Suddenly, I'm standing on the patio of a restaurant surrounded by them...us...whichever. Everyone was at various stages in their transition and some of the ladies there just were absolutely stunning - so lovely, well put together and looking just casual as can be at it. I regarded those folks like rockstars and could not imagine ever getting to that point except for maybe some point in the far distant future, if all of the stars were to align just perfectly - an unattainable future, or so I had thought.

Months later learning more of who this Cassandra lady was, I noticed that some of the newer folks were acting around me the same way I was around that original group of "rockstars". It was a bit of an odd feeling that was pretty hard to accept but I got there.

The funny thing is that I was at one of those gatherings last week with Steph. A number of those "rockstars" were there and I chatted briefly with one or two while circulating through the crowd. I still felt a little of that "not worthy" feeling from before and I'm afraid it might have been perceived as a bit of standoffishness.  There are still some realms in which I'm building my confidence but that's all part of life, I suppose.

Oh, and for all of you folks apologizing for hijacking my thread, no worries there. I'm always glad to provoke thoughtful conversation above and beyond the question of "What were you thinking?"

Jul 31 2017, 09.55pm
Riding on the train.
I don't remember which day this was, but it was one day last week when I rode the train in to work. I was running late, so decided to pull out my laptop and get some work done while enjoying the ride. At the next stop, another woman sat down across the table from me. We exchanged pleasant smiles and "Good morning"s and each set to work on our respective laptops.

After a little while, she started digging through her bags, apparently looking for something. She glanced up at me with a smile and said, "Too may bags." I just nodded and smiled.

When my stop was coming up, I started packing up my things. She was doing the same and asked me, "Winter Park?"

I said, "Yes. I work for {EMPLOYER}," to which she replied, "Oh, I work right across the street next to Starbucks. I'm a 'Realtors Assistant'. I really like where I work."

I said with an animated gesture, "I know, right! One of the things I love about working there is all of the little restaurants and shops right nearby."

The conversation petered out at that point which I felt like was my fault. The old, antisocial me wouldn't let me flow into what would have been the next natural step in this interaction. I was kicking myself shortly afterward that I didn't introduce myself before we parted ways. I'm kind of saddened that it went this way. I had the chance to make a new connection with someone who would only know me as Cassandra...and I blew it. {EXPLETIVE}.

All I can do now is learn the lesson being taught here and promise myself that the next time (Yes, girl, there WILL be a next time!), I won't let the opportunity slip by.



Aug 03 2017, 08.01pm
Made a connection of sorts today.
Prior to beginning this new chapter (whole new book, really) of my life, I didn't know any trans people, nor really anyone at all who was part of the LGBT community. Since the beginning of this year, I've met and talked with some other trans people but not really that in-depth. You know, the kind of deep, sharing connection that you get when you have a chance to talk one-on-one with someone with whom you have more than one thing in common.

My date for coffee this morning was "J", an openly gay co-worker of mine with whom I had had a few conversations. We had talked about a variety of topics, sometimes regarding my transition at work. When we talked over coffee this morning, we shared some of the more deep, personal parts of our lives. It was nice to just sit and chat frankly with someone who's experienced similar types of social stigma to which I'm only recently being introduced.

It felt good to finally make more than a superficial connection with someone who is an active part of this community which I suddenly found myself a part of.

The future looks promising.

Edit: A suggesstion "J" mentioned to me is that maybe I ought to draft a sort of thank-you letter for the upper management at work. Sort of a gesture on behalf of myself and for the greater LGBT community, so as to promote good will and such. I'm not putting it very eloquently but after thinking about it, I think it's a fine idea. The one-month mark would have been a good time to write it and send it out to all of the directors but I kind of missed the boat on that one. I suppose I can call it, "just over a month after..."

Aug 20 2017, 01.17am
Got some bad news tonight, though it came to me indirectly and purely by chance.
I have gotten into a habit of every now and then, looking at the Facebook profiles and pictures of some of my family and friends from the past. I can't follow any of them unless we're friends, so I have to do a bit of searching and following comment/reaction threads to find people.

Well, I happened upon a picture my Aunt "N" posted about her having gone to some festival. There was a comment posted to that picture by my Aunt "C", grousing about how she wishes her sisters had invited her to go along as well. I tapped her photo to see what was on her profile.

That was a mistake.

Among the lines of profile info, there was a little gray heart with the word, "Widowed" next to it. My heart fell somewhere down around my feet upon seeing that. I dug through the pictures she had posted and found a bunch of her and my Uncle "B", clustered around the same period in time. Apparently, my uncle died some time around May and they had a military service for him down at the national cemetery in Lake Worth. Looking at the captions on the pictures that had them and seeing some of the comments, I started to piece together when it had happened. The more I saw, the more the tears fell and the more wracking sobs came. This must have lasted 20 minutes or so, coming in waves of sorrow.

I can't decide what hurts the most about the whole situation - the fact that no one told me about this or that I've chosen to remain disconnected from my family for the time being.

This is one of those bridges I knew I'd have to cross eventually as the years go by. I just didn't know what form it would take.

My Aunt "C" doesn't have all of the privacy options engaged on her posts. Commenting isn't open to non-friends, but the 'Like' button was still available. I was sorely tempted to put a Sad reaction on some of the memorial pics, but I hesitated, wondering if this is a potential can of worms I wanted to open right now. I decided to hold off for the time being. I think I'll mention it to some of my close friends and get their opinions on the situation. I'm also going to try and remember to bring it up in my next therapy session on Wednesday.

I wanted to write up a post to my own wall about this, but I'm also holding back on that until I get some feedback.

It's late and I'm off to bed now. I just wanted to get this down somewhere while it was still fresh in my memory.



Aug 20 2017, 11.09pm
Watched The Danish Girl tonight. As expected, it was for me, a tear jerker.
The theme of identity in the movie is one that I found particularly significant.

In a few scenes - one in particular, Lily refers to Einar as being dead. This follows with the common notion that a trans person's former identity is dead - hence the term "dead name", referring to one's former name.

I too have experienced this feeling. Cassandra is a new and totally different person than the one everybody got to know as "{DEADNAME}". There are some similarities, to be sure, but this new person coming out to the world is so much more vibrant, colorful, and beautiful - the most striking differences.

I have had the idea that "{DEADNAME}" is well and truly dead everywhere except on legal documentation, but that's not entirely accurate. Rather than death, this is more of a retirement from a less-than-fulfilling life. His services are simply no longer required.

From the outside looking in, some people may see this as more like {DEADNAME} is dead and Cassandra killed him.

Still, hearing and reading my former name in places is becoming less and less frequent but it still is jarring on my psyche. Maybe there is some tiny sense of loss which gets exacerbated each of those times.

The bottom line of it is this: If {DEADNAME} is dead, I will not mourn him. Instead, I will acknowledge who he was and that he played a pivotal role in making me who I am today.

Sep 03 2017, 07.09pm
A weight was lifted from me today. After I had put together my new grill and was getting ready to test it out, Two Feathers, the guy who lives in the upstairs of the house next door called down to me from the top of his stairs.

"Hey neighbor," he said.

I looked up and waved, assuming this would be just another superficial contact with neighbors I had been trying to avoid.

"Hey," I said.

"I've been meaning to ask you, out of respect for your transition, I'm guessing you don't go by '{DEADNAME}' any more, but what name do you prefer?"

I was briefly taken aback by this - the simulations of this conversation in my head had gone a bit differently, but I replied, "Cassandra".

He said, "Cassandra, okay. Well, I just wanted to let you know we're totally supportive. You've got nothing to worry about from us. I've got a sister who's Bi and a daughter who's lesbian, so it's all good with me."

Then, he added, "My girlfriend saw you a while back and said, 'I wonder if that's his daughter'. I just shook my head and told her, 'No'. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you everything's okay."

I said, "Thanks, I appreciate that. It really means a lot to me to hear that."

This conversation, though brief as it was, made me a little misty-eyed and only then did I realize that it was not an insignificant thing that had been weighing on me for a while. I recall having posted a paragraph or two in reference to my neighbors and mentioned how unsure I was as to how they might finally react once they figured out what was going on with me. I did also express a feeling that I might have been stereotyping more than a little. It turns out that that was the case.

Still, this little chat did serve to brighten my day a bit.



Sep 04 2017, 07.53am
Thoughts on a multitude of hobbies.
Over the years, I've noticed that I have a habit of taking up some sort of hobby, going with it for a while, and then pretty much forgetting about it after not too long of a time. I always chalked this up to just being part of my nature, but I had a thought that cast doubt on that notion.

I was thinking about the alternative to my deciding to transition last year - that being, continuing to live as the bearded fat guy that I was and basically committing a slow suicide through neglect of a body that was forced upon me from birth. This of course, came complete with a steady undercurrent of depression and a subsequent {EXPLETIVE}ty outlook on life.

I had a tendency to get really excited about something new - some new activity or hobby as I said above. I'd jump into it with gusto and would focus a lot of time, energy, and money on it. Later, I would lose interest and just have all of this "stuff" around me as the wretched remains of this interest.

What makes me wonder now, is if I sought out these things and maybe saw them as, finally, a remedy for that undercurrent of depression I had felt most of my life. Maybe that's why I got so excited about each one for a time. Then, after it became apparent that this was not the cure I had been seeking, I moved on to other things.

The thought had crossed my mind that this - this transition, this final acceptance of my true nature is just another one of those fleeting interests. I'm not the only one to have suggested this either, which is what gives me cause to consider the idea.

I don't think that is the case, though. I feel so much different, so much more content now, finally comfortable just being me. I don't have those random moments of sadness that come completely unbidden, that cause the silent thousand-yard-stare and make people look at me and ask, "What's wrong?"

That's all gone now, it seems.

Hi Cassie, I just wanted to say congratulations on all your progress. Your updates are like a diary and very honest, I'm really thankful that you share them. I think that's so fantastic (about your neighbor), there hasnt been anything better for me, in the beggining of my transition, then someone saying "you have my/our unconditional support." So im really happy to hear that for you. Looking forward to more.

Quote from: AutumnGurl81 on February 08, 2018, 09:37:57 PM
Hi Cassie, I just wanted to say congratulations on all your progress. Your updates are like a diary and very honest, I'm really thankful that you share them. I think that's so fantastic (about your neighbor), there hasnt been anything better for me, in the beggining of my transition, then someone saying "you have my/our unconditional support." So im really happy to hear that for you. Looking forward to more.

Thank you Justýna,

I'm glad folks here are enjoying my story so far. All of these entries are from my personal journal that I started up less than a month into transition - mainly as an outlet for some of the thoughts I was having because I really had no one to talk to back then about a lot of this stuff.

I can recall back when I was a kid in fourth or fifth grade in school, we were asked (told) to start writing in a "Thought Book". I barely wrote anything in it and usually I wrote nothing at all. The need to keep my innermost thoughts and feelings was a pretty strong drive even back then and served to dampen any creative spark I may have had back then. That is, until the teacher, having gotten frustrated by my lack of productivity, chastised me with the words, "Are you empty-headed?"
At that, the spark flared into an incandescent raging fire that manifested itself in the form of words burned onto the pages of that Thought Book. Words beginning with the phrase, "I am NOT empty-headed..." and followed by an angry screed detailing the reasons why I refused to make public my inner and most private thoughts just so they could be read and evaluated by some snooping third party with the interest of psychological correction or punishment or even worse, institutionalization. By then, I was already a voracious reader and had developed a vocabulary far in excess of my peers. Articulating such ideas as I put down on that paper came easily then, as did the knowledge of just how our society, such that it was, treated people who were perceived as "different".

Even at 9 years old, I had already learned to keep to myself through the previous four (or five) years of torment having been forced into close proximity with dozens of other people. People who, at any moment, could realize that there was something different about me and begin the all-too-familiar process of ostracizing me from any of the smaller social groups that inevitably formed. Early on, my family moved around a lot, so every year or two, it was on to a new school (prison) and a new group of people to begin the process anew.

Fast forwarding to more recent times, my current neighbors, I mostly kept at arm's length, not wanting to get too close too quickly. When I had made my choice to transition, I kept even further away, due mainly to those old habits developed over the years but that's how I survived for so long. Even after that turning point in our relationship, our interaction is still relatively limited to superficial conversations over the fence or the borrowing/returning of my extension ladder. I've become good friends with their cat though so that counts, right? :D

I apologize if this diatribe seems a bit of a lengthy response to your complimentary message to me, but sometimes the inspiration strikes and, unlike in years past, the thoughts flow freely outward.

Sep 28 2017, 11.22pm
Today was another first for me - another little milestone passed.
Today was my first day going to work in a skirt.

I had gone to the T-Network gathering last night and being that it was in Oviedo, I got over there a bit early. I decided I'd go up the road to Ross and do a little shopping. Well, with some consultation with "K", I put together a new outfit with a medium-gray mid-calf-length skirt and a...almost raspberry colored 3/4 sleeve top. I tried it on later that night and decided, "Oh yeah, I'm wearing this tomorrow!"

During the process of finding just the right top to go with it, when I sent pictures of some darker-colored tops, one reaction I got from "K" was, "Listen, Tuesday! You are not going to a funeral! You wear colors now. If you show up like that, people are going to wonder what's wrong."
She's so sweet and funny sometimes! I love her! I'm so lucky to have a friend like her.

Anyway, when I got to work this morning, and walked through the parking lot, I really didn't see anyone else out there. The tiny kernel of doubt in my mind was thinking something like, "Okay, maybe we can just go quietly to the office and not run into anyone, so as to not make a big deal out of it or cause any embarrassment." Well, I had no such luck because when I opened the door, both the Purchasing Manager and the Assistant City Manager (my boss's boss) were standing right there in the hallway, looking at me. They both said that I looked great. What a relief! The rest of the day, I got lots of compliments on my outfit, helping to further belie the notion that I have only a shaky grasp on what works, fashion-wise.


As one might expect, the only one of the guys who said anything was "Flanders". He acted like it was some kind of surprise that I'd show up to work in a skirt. Of course, with any other woman, it would have just been routine and no big deal. As time goes by and some of the older people retire, the newer people will only know me as...me. They won't have any direct memory of "him", aside from what some of their coworkers may tell them in hushed tones. That just means, I'll get misgendered less and less going forward. It's something to look forward to.



Sep 29 2017, 11.28pm
I had a moment about a week ago.
On September 22nd, I was out to lunch with friends from work at the local Ale House.

We were just chatting and carrying on like friends do. I found it hard to squeeze in a word but I did, here and there. The problem was that what I was saying was not very well thought out and, in my opinion, not very nice either. What I had said was snarky and sarcastic in many ways. Because of that, it bothered me but I couldn't stop blurting things out. I started to withdraw and shut down.

A little while into the conversation, there were a few comments thrown my way about how quiet I was being. That really didn't help. I only got quieter.

On the way back, "K" asked me what was wrong. I tried to just explain it away like I used to long ago, but I couldn't pull it off and I started to tear up. The snowball was rolling at that point.

A few minutes later, I was openly sobbing while "K" was telling me to pull over somewhere. I found a place and stopped the truck, at which point I just started bawling out loud. She asked me what was happening and in between gasps for air, I explained how those things I said at lunch were not very nice and that that's what the old me would have said. I told her that a part of my transition was me trying to be a better person.

After a while, with much encouragement from her to just "let it out" (which I did), we got back on our way.

This whole thing had been eating at me for an entire week afterward, with the memory of that day threatening to start me crying again.

This morning, I started listening to another trans-related podcast and something was mentioned that struck a chord with me in relation to that day last week. She pointed out the moments where the dysphoria flares up bright and hot from when you do something or say something (which was my case) that reminds you of "Him". Your former self.

Hearing that made a few things click in my mind and then I finally understood what it was that I was feeling that day and more importantly, why. Now, the thoughts of that day don't threaten to start me crying like they did before.

I told "K" about this particular revelation and then gave her a short explanation of what gender dysphoria really is - what it feels like.

Sep 29 2017, 11.50pm
Last night, I came home, exhausted, to a very pleasant surprise.
My (favorite) cousin Stephanie had found me on Facebook and sent me a friend request.

She said, "I love you and no matter what, you're still my cousin!"

That melted my heart!



Oct 01 2017, 07.57am
I saw this quote from Jan Morris' autobiography and it just seemed to resonate with me.
I had to put it in here.

"To me gender is not physical at all, but is altogether insubstantial. It is soul, perhaps, it is talent, it is taste, it is environment, it is how one feels, it is light and shade, it is inner music, it is a spring in one's step or an exchange of glances, it is more truly life and love than any combination of genitals, ovaries, and hormones. It is the essentialness of oneself, the psyche, the fragment of unity."



Oct 07 2017, 07.42am
"Guy stuff"
One thing I realized recently which comes as some relief, is that now that I'm living full-time as me, I don't have to worry about a lot of the "guy stuff" that I still after all these years didn't get. Well, I guess there were some things that I just couldn't convincingly emulate - probably due to the dysphoria-induced discomfort with those things. Understandably so, since they both revolve around the male genitalia and tie in with the natural tendency guys have for boasting about various things, one thing I was never very good at so I did it as little as possible.

You probably can guess where this is going.

That's right - first and foremost of course, is the size of ones genitalia. Second, is the quality of performance and frequency of use thereof.

I'm trying to write into this as much of a sense of clinical detachment as I can in order to illustrate just how much of an alien concept it all has been over the years. This is one of the many seemingly little things that made me wonder if I was even the same species as these people I was observing.

To be fair, I may be stereotyping a little here, but we all know or have met at least one guy who does this sort of thing.

Now, at this point in my life, I'm finding a small sense of relief that I won't have to untangle these last few things in order to integrate them into the facade i was presenting to the world. Less work for me and less emotional discomfort during the moments when I know I've just "gotten something wrong" with that facade.

September 11, 2017
Author's note: This post is one I apparently only posted to Facebook and didn't put in my journal. It's a very important one.

Out of all the tension and worry this week as the storm approached the State of Florida, I have to say that the whole thing had some positive impact on my life. The storm is still in full swing around us, so the total impact remains to be seen.

However, here's how things have gone:

With all the progress I've made in my transition over the last several months, there is one more piece of the puzzle that hasn't yet been put into place. That piece involves my family. For a number of reasons, I haven't talked to any of them in over 3 years. I certainly haven't told any of them about what has happened more recently, though I have wondered what their reaction might be. I of course assumed the worst, but have been afraid to find out for sure.

Well, back when hurricane Matthew came through, the thought had occurred to me that maybe I should contact my mother who lives along the east coast of Florida, and offer her refuge at my house (further inland) if she needed a place to go. Well, I didn't back then, out of fear of ....a lot of different things. When Irma started becoming a threat, I started thinking about her again. This time, after conferring with a dear friend, I decided to take that step, consequences be damned. I hadn't planned on having any contact for at least another year, but the impending storm forced my hand.

I texted my mom and asked if she had anywhere safe to go or was planning to shelter in place. She replied that she was sheltering in place at home. I made the offer anyway and we started chatting. Before long, she sent a greeting in the form of a selfie. After a few minutes of agonizing internal debate, I sent her one back.
At first, she thought it was a picture of my wife, but I told her no. I told her that it was me and that my name is Cassandra now. I said that a lot has happened since we last talked and I have some explaining to do and I hoped she would give me the opportunity to do so. After several tense minutes - long enough for me to pour myself a big glass of wine, she replied back with an okay. We got on the phone shortly thereafter and I proceeded to pour my heart out over the next 90 minutes.

I did the best I could to help her understand why I chose this path in life and I guess I did a fair job of it. During the course of our conversation, I asked her to address me as Cassandra and refer to me in the terms of 'she' and 'her'. She seemed to accept that and made an effort to correct herself when she got it wrong. When she told me she honestly had had no idea it was me in the picture, I said, "You have no idea how happy that makes me to hear that." She also said that I looked cute in the picture. :)

Just before we rung off, we exchanged I love you's, and I realized that for the first time in my life, I actually meant it. Afterward, I cried tears of joy and relief for almost 15 minutes.

With any luck, this conversation was a first step toward closing the rift between us and with the rest of my family. I can't say what the future holds, but it's looking just a little bit brighter.
[/i]

Thank you so much for sharing your story.  I've spent the better part of the afternoon reading through this thread and now I'm crying. You've gone through so much and should be proud of how far you've come.  I love the selfie at the end - you look beautiful AND happy. <3

Quote from: SassyCassie on February 10, 2018, 03:32:14 PM
With any luck, this conversation was a first step toward closing the rift between us and with the rest of my family. I can't say what the future holds, but it's looking just a little bit brighter.

I have been enjoying reading your thread, but this post in particular has given me the sniffles.  It makes me so happy to read this!

Quote from: LJH24 on February 10, 2018, 05:52:52 PM
Thank you so much for sharing your story.  I've spent the better part of the afternoon reading through this thread and now I'm crying. You've gone through so much and should be proud of how far you've come.  I love the selfie at the end - you look beautiful AND happy. <3

Thank you! Honestly, never in a thousand years did I think I'd be able to do this back in the beginning but that has turned right around. It wasn't a free ride to get there though. It took work but I decided that this new person is totally worth it!

Oct 15 2017, 08.30pm
That old dysphoria has me in its spell...
That old dysphoria makes my life a hell...

This past week, I had my first experience getting electrolysis done on my face. I've had laser done on it over the last several months, but that only works on dark hairs. Gray and white hairs have to be removed the old-school way - by inserting a conductive probe down into each follicle and passing an electric charge through it, killing, or at least, critically wounding the hair follicle.

The only catch to that is that one has to let the hairs grow for a few days prior to the treatment so that they are long enough to be gripped by tweezers. Since beginning my transition, I've kept everything shaved, most particularly my face. Now, having to let the hairs grow for each treatment, I can feel them there when I touch my face and see them every time I look in the mirror. I imagined there might be some discomfort with that but didn't think it would be so bad.

I was so wrong about that and wholly unprepared for the reaction. I had stopped shaving on Thursday and by Saturday, the dysphoria had hit me like a ton of bricks. There was an event I really wanted to go to that night, but I couldn't bring myself to even go outside, let alone to a big social event. I had a bunch of errands I wanted to run as well but ended up just being a shut-in that entire day. On top of all that, I was an emotional wreck. I cried my eyes out at one point, feeling so handicapped by this major flare-up of dysphoria. I had no idea how I could possibly survive basically having to do this every weekend for the foreseeable future until all that hair is finally gone. That old voice was back in my mind whispering, "I can't do this. I should just call it off and resign myself to shaving every day." In my heart though, I knew that wasn't the right choice and would only make things worse.

Thinking back on that day, I can laugh about it now. I was in the middle of emptying the dishwasher when it all came crashing down on me and I started to tear up. Shortly afterward, I was in full-blown racking sobs. I still kept doing the dishes though - each sob punctuated by the clank of a dish or the clink of silverware being put away. I do remember wondering briefly if salt water would damage the surface of any of my dishes.

This story has a happy ending though. By Sunday, I had had enough and decided I was going out to run my errands and to hell with anybody who happened to notice the white hairs sprouting from my neck and chin. My, "Screw it, I've gotta do this" attitude had reasserted herself and everything was back to normal. I picked myself up, got dressed, put on some eyeliner, threatened my hair with a curling iron and walked out the door in my comfiest pair of flats. I must say, I did wonder if I would repeat this pattern again the following week or if it was one of those walls I just had to break through and then I'd be fine.

Well, this weekend, I've been out a-plenty! I went to a birthday party in a jam-packed brew-pub on Friday night,
marched in the Orlando Pride parade on Saturday, and am going out for breakfast and shopping today, all in spite of the white stubble.

Based on that, I'm happy to say that it was just another wall that now lays behind me in a pile of dust, ready to be forgotten.


Author's note: The bartender at the brewpub to whom I gave my credit card to open a tab (still in my assigned, legal name) was so sweet. He looked at the name on the card and gave me a friendly smile and said, "I'll put this in under your last name".

Author's note: These are more posts that went to Facebook but didn't make it to my journal, so the dates are a little out of order with the rest of what I've posted here. Still, they're very important to the story.

September 5, 2017
The Final Purge.
One common theme in a trans woman's life is the "wardrobe purge". It's usually a time filled with a mixture of sadness and shame. It's when one throws out or packs away all of one's female clothing while thinking things like, "I shouldn't be doing this anymore" or "This isn't right" or something else along those lines. It's a time when the woman inside, trying to come out, is instead once again shoved back inside her prison cell and the door is slammed shut.

For those of us who transition later in life, we can often count multiple purges such as this. I can personally recall at least three during my own personal journey. It makes me a bit melancholy to think about those times but I more than made up for it today.

Before being "out" at work, I used to complain, to the air, to a sympathetic cat ear, or whomever that it's
time to again put on my "boy clothes" as I've come to call them, before slouching off to work.

The bag I'm holding in the picture is full of all my "boy clothes", and as you can see in the background, they are about to begin their own journey. They are no longer a part of my life.
This is one of my happy times.
This is one of my milestones.
This is my final purge.


October 8, 2017
A brief outing.

I don't remember if I've told this story here before, but some of my friends have heard it. I though I'd share with the rest of the class before I head to bed.

Back when I started with my laser hair removal, I had gotten in the habit of just taking the entire day off - mainly so I didn't have to show up to work all puffy and red-faced from the treatments. By my second session, I had learned to prepare accordingly which meant taking Advil shortly before going under the laser to keep the swelling to a minimum and bringing all my makeup with me.

This particular day, after my session was complete and I had made myself reasonably presentable, I decided I was going to get a little more value out of my annual pass and ride some rides at Universal. Back then, I was not full-time (still my former self at work) but all of the people I was afraid might see me "out" were at work so the risk was minimal, but even so, I didn't advertise the fact of what I was doing that day.

I rode the Incredible Hulk (which sounds SO wrong, when taken out of context!), mainly to see if after the work they had done on it, it still gave me a headache. It does. I'm in front of it in this picture:
Afterward, I rode the Dueling Dragons which, much to my disappointment, no longer dueled since having been Potterfied. All of the walking in totally cute, but ill-fitting sandals had rubbed my skin raw in a few spots on my feet. At that time, I had not been told that a few band-aids in the purse were a girl's best friend. I debated going over to the Universal side of the park but decided my feet had been tortured enough for one day.

On the way out though, I realized that it was just after 5:00 and traffic is a nightmare in that part of town during rush hour. That was how I rationalized going over to Toothsome's for an early dinner and a drink or two. Many painful steps later, I plopped myself down at the bar on the next to the last stool. I was the only person seated there at the time. Shortly after I got my drink, a woman came in and sat right next to me. We struck up a conversation - just chitchat mainly about the park and other related things. It was what I had assumed to be the kind of light conversation women have with each other in such a setting. I was dressed as you see in the included picture and had introduced myself as Cassandra. Everything was going well. A little while later, a whole group of other women came in and occupied every one of the remaining bar stools and just started laughing and carrying on, having a fun time.

When I was ready to pay my tab and head home, I gave the bartender my annual pass so he could apply the discount. A few minutes later, a managerial-looking fellow came up, holding my annual pass. After looking up and down the bar and seeing only women lined up at the bar, he loudly stated, "I've got an annual pass here for {DEADNAME}". I hadn't had any of my legal documentation changed yet, so everything had that name on it. He repeated his statement, at which point, I sheepishly raised a hand and said, "That's me". Not a further word was said while I paid my tab. My conversation with the woman next to me had already more or less petered out when her food had arrived, so at least I didn't have that cut short. I just paid my check, said my goodbyes, and headed for the exit - via the ladies' room because it was going to be a long ride home.

I've seen and heard a few references to us being "outed" or "outing" ourselves but hadn't realized that that is exactly what happened that afternoon. I guess it happens sometimes when one gets backed into a corner, so to speak. Still, it didn't really bother me a whole lot back then. I was already prepared for negative reactions. Fortunately, there didn't seem to be one this time.

Aside from that moment, which I find more amusing than embarrassing, I had a terrific time that day and have had several other fun days like it after my laser treatments.

Oct 18 2017, 08.36pm
A regret realized but already managed.
On Sunday, I practically tore my house apart, in an effort to find my birth certificate. Since my birthday is this Saturday, my drivers license is going to expire. Normally not a big deal, but this time, I have to actually show up at the DMV office with a mountain of paperwork just to prove that I exist. Key to that is having my birth certificate which, for the longest time, I kept in a very specific place and knew exactly where it was...until the last time I moved.

I did eventually find it and am now armed with the aforementioned mountain of paper, but not before running across a lot of other things. Most of what I came across were clothes in a closet I rarely looked in. In the process, I decided to do some cleaning as a lot of it were things I'm never going to wear again.

One of those things was a concert shirt from 20 years ago. It was from when I and some friends went and saw Faith and the Muse down in Fort Lauderdale.
(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/3ifln15zpskem00/bandshirt.jpg)
When I thought back to that time, I remembered an idea that has been tumbling around in my subconscious for a while. An idea that during those years, I was very much into the goth scene here in Florida, and that it seemed to serve as something of an outlet for what I've found out was my real self crying to get out. That particular idea, I figured out several months ago. Seeing this shirt from back then sort of made something click in my mind. I realized that back then, I likely had been unknowingly on the edge of finally accepting the truth about myself.

Sadly, instead of making the choice that led me to finally start living a joyful life, I instead chose to shove everything back down into denial. Cassandra (though she didn't have a name at the time) was shoved back into her prison cell and the door was once again slammed shut.

That was twenty years ago.

Once this realization hit after looking at that shirt, I was (once again) an emotional wreck. I shoved it angrily into the bag with all of the other clothing I was planning to get rid of. After a few minutes, I dug it out just long enough to take a picture of it for this post.

I know that there's nothing I can do to change the past, but knowing what I know now that I could have had back then hit me pretty hard.



Author's note: This entry is another crosspost from Facebook which should have made it to my journal but didn't
Oct 21 2017, 11.16pm
A very special birthday.

The thought crossed my mind to say that today marks the 46th time I have spent circling the sun on this ball we call Earth. That's something that my former self may have said, if anything at all really. Today would have just been another way of marking time as it inexorably crawls along toward, who knows what.

Given the massive changes in my life that have happened over the last year, and the fact that I'm, for all intents and purposes, a completely different person. Earlier this week, a dear friend of mine gave me a birthday card, the full impact of which didn't hit me until a short while later:

This year is Cassandra's first birthday. My first birthday.

I'm finding it difficult to put into words all the emotions I'm still sorting through, but I just wanted to get this out there, in part as a way of saying "Thank you, from the bottom of my heart" to all of my friends who have sent me birthday wishes today. Today, over and above all these days I've had in the past, those wishes mean more to me than you could possibly know.

When one of my friends asked me yesterday what I had planned to do this weekend, I mentioned something about digging through some paperwork for the divorce. She just waved a hand at me and said, "No, don't do anything sad on your birthday. Go do something fun."

I'm going to take that advice to heart and I'm going to go do something fun! That is, once I'm done "getting all up in my feelings" as I've been told once or twice.

Again, thank you all for thinking of me today! I love you all and feel so blessed to have you along with me for this journey. I couldn't do this without you!


Oct 22 2017, 12.59pm
Theme Parking
Yesterday, I celebrated my birthday by going down to Universal to "ride some rides and drink some drinks" and, oh did I ever!

For those who have never been to this particular theme park, or may have never used an annual pass for entry, I'll give a little background as to how this transpired. They charge $20 for parking there, but the mid-level (Preferred, I think?) annual pass gets you free parking. The hitch to that is that they check your ID to see if it matches the name on the annual pass. Well, to a degree, I've gotten used to "outing" myself in this small way as a means to an end. My driver's license and annual pass still have my old name on them, you see.

When I got up to the booth and handed my pass to the grandmotherly Indian lady within , the inevitable request came for my ID. I passed that to her as well and she turned away momentarily to do the customary checks. She turned back to me, still looking down at my license with a puzzled expression on her face. When she raised her eyes to mine, she asked, "This is you?"

"Yes," I replied, "that was me seven years and a hundred pounds ago."

"Good job," she remarked. "Why haven't you had this changed?" Her tone was more bewildered than accusatory.

"Legal issues, but I have an attorney working on it," was all I said.

"Are you happier now?"

"Oh, a thousand times more!" I replied with the beginnings of a smile on my face.

She handed my cards back to me along with a receipt for parking and said, "You have a wonderful day today."

I smiled and thanked her as I pulled away from the ticket booth.

That brief exchange, while seeming a bit invasive from some perspectives, gave me a warm fuzzy feeling inside and helped set the tone for the rest of the day. I felt happy tears trying to well up as I navigated The Behemoth up the ramp to the parking structure.

It truly was a wonderful day!
After my dinner and (too many!) Birthday Hurricanes, I wandered out to the main Citywalk area and heard music coming from the little amphitheater down by the water. I headed in that direction and sat down on an unoccupied section of bench to enjoy the music. I have no idea what band was playing, nor did it really matter but I liked what they were playing and most importantly just sitting there, being in the moment. For what seemed like the first time in my life, I was enjoying just being in that place at that time doing what I was doing and finally, truly just being myself.

Nov 02 2017, 00.13am
I See You!
For a lot of trans folks, one of the more common dysphoria triggers is the all-too-common act of merely catching a glimpse of oneself in a mirror. Sometimes that's all it takes.

I can say that I had experienced this for a long time prior to coming out as transgender. I just wasn't aware of the exact cause. For years, I had no mirrors in my room. I just couldn't bear to look.

Even still, after starting my transition, I would get those feelings of despair sometimes, when I would look in the mirror and see "him" looking right back at me. At least by then, I could look him right in the eyes and tell him, "You're going away soon".

I had read some other peoples' accounts of mirror-gazing at different points during their transition and gradually seeing that other person less and less often, while their real self became more visible. In the past several weeks, I've come to realize just what they meant. I started seeing, not myself - not yet anyway, but a sort of in-between version - a "not-him", if you like.

This morning, however, was a bit different. I had been awake for half an hour or so when I went upstairs to start my morning routine, my brain not fully switched on yet, but I was operating on autopilot. As I pulled my hair back with my right hand, I looked in the mirror. That gave me pause. I wasn't looking at "not-him" this time. Instead, "She" was there, passively regarding me for a moment with her hair held back, then looking off to the side.
Suffice it to say, it was a moving experience that made my eyes well up. I feel like it was another one of those milestones that I just passed. Once I composed myself, I took the attached picture, while trying to replicate what I had seen in that mirror, in case I wanted to share the experience with friends.

It's late now, but I just wanted to get this down while it's still relatively fresh in my mind.

With that, I'm off to bed.

I wonder if I'll see her again tomorrow.

Dec 07 2017, 07.45pm
The peaks are higher and the valleys are not as low.
This is how Steph so aptly puts it, in reference to how our emotions are, now that our brains are running on the right fuel.

Today, I traveled to {BFE} to attend my friend Stephanie's court hearing for her name change. There were eight of us in total going along with her. It was a cold, rainy morning - totally inappropriate for such a happy day but we have to accept what we cannot change.

When her name got called, we all filed into the court room and took our seats in the peanut gallery behind the table at which Steph had to sit by herself. The magistrate presiding over the court asked if we were all here for Steph's hearing. We all nodded enthusiastically.

After a few standard questions which she laughed and said, "Sorry, but they make me ask these", she signed off on the form and said that it would still have to go before the judge for his signature but it could be done today if the petitioner so desires. Stephanie just said, "Oh yes, please!". When we all walked out to the waiting area, there were many a moist eye on the ladies present, myself being no exception. I felt such joy for my friend that she had crossed this milestone which is one of the huge ones in a trans person's life. Admittedly, I felt a twinge of jealousy but I knew my time would come soon enough.

Afterward, we went over to a local diner for a celebratory breakfast, punctuated by a butter pecan cake with "Congratulations Stephanie" written on it. It was a good day to be alive, for sure!

On the way back to Stephanie's house, I rode along with "D" and her partner and we chatted about some trans issues. "D" had transitioned about 13 years ago and had a wealth of experience in that regard. Part of what we touched upon was the prospect of dating. She told me some of the horror stories about dressing and going to gay clubs simply because we were accepted there but it was generally what one would refer to as a "meat market". When I mentioned that I'm feeling like I'm leaning in the direction of being simply a heterosexual woman, she gave me dire warnings of what could happen if things go wrong. I said that I had gone to the ceremony at Valencia for the Trans Day of Rememberance, at which we had each been given a note card with a name and location on it of a trans person who had been murdered this year. I was well aware of the catastrophic end some of those lives had come to in the pursuit of happiness.

After we got back to Steph's house, we socialized a bit over tea and Steph gave me a tour of her hangar/workshop. It was there that I mentioned I had been thinking about going to the national cemetery where my dad is to introduce him to the daughter he never met before. That's a story for a followup post, I think.



Dec 7 2017, 04.42pm
Hi, Dad. It's me, your daughter Cassandra. I've missed you terribly.

I went to the national cemetery in Bushnell today, where my dad is interred. I haven't been out here since he passed in 2001. I thought it would be nice for him to meet his daughter for the first time.

The day was cloudy, rainy, and cold - the very definition of a gray day. It had taken me some time to locate the right spot. There were a lot more graves than I remember from the last time I was there. As I approached the wall, the quiet patter of the rain was punctuated by the 21-gun salute being fired in the distance - the perfect touch to this dreary afternoon. The tears were already falling as I found the niche where we had placed his ashes all those years ago. I didn't say much - I was so choked up that I couldn't.

What did come out was, "Hi Dad. I'm Cassandra. I'm your daughter and I so much wish you could have gotten to know me. I miss you terribly"
No selfies this time. I'm a bit of a wreck right now.

This is another one of those milestones that had not even occurred to me until this morning but I knew it was something I needed to do.

Quote from: SassyCassie on February 13, 2018, 12:50:27 PM
Nov 02 2017, 00.13am


This morning, however, was a bit different. I had been awake for half an hour or so when I went upstairs to start my morning routine, my brain not fully switched on yet, but I was operating on autopilot. As I pulled my hair back with my right hand, I looked in the mirror. That gave me pause. I wasn't looking at "not-him" this time. Instead, "She" was there, passively regarding me for a moment with her hair held back, then looking off to the side.

This really got to me.  :'( I'm so happy for you and I hope that "she" will be there for you all the time now.

Quote from: LJH24 on February 13, 2018, 06:11:21 PM
This really got to me.  :'( I'm so happy for you and I hope that "she" will be there for you all the time now.

She's always there now and folks I meet are seeing only her as well.

This afternoon, while in the parking lot at work, I was approached by a friendly older lady who was looking for someone who worked here. I didn't recognize the name but suggested that we go and talk to our receptionist/gatekeeper because she knows *everybody*. As we walked up to her desk, she looked up at us and just automatically misgendered me but immediately corrected herself.

She said, "Yes Sir...Ma'am?"
In a delightful twist on the whole thing, the lady whom I was trying to assist thought the "Sir" and "Ma'am" was solely directed at her and said with a laugh, "I don't want to be a 'Sir'!", to which I replied, "Neither do I!"

We all had a laugh at that brief exchange.

Dec 16 2017, 07.07am
From the past, a little present for the future.
This week, I had one of those mind-blowing epiphanies that hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have a cuff bracelet I wear almost constantly which has a phrase stamped into it. It says, "I love you to the moon and back". That's a phrase that my wife and I had become fond of back when we discovered the book it came from many years ago. At one point, we had little plushies of the Big and Little Nut-brown Hares.
There was one point in time between then and now where I was in a very low place emotionally and I had had the notion to just pull that bracelet off my wrist, drop it on the table in front of my wife and tell her, "Here, take this. I don't want it anymore."
Every time I read the words on it, my sorrow only deepened at what we had lost. Thankfully, one of my friends talked me down off that ledge and I got past it.

I had bought this bracelet for myself back on December 2, 2016, which was just under a week after I had started myself on hormones. A few people whom I have shown it had just assumed that Kim gave it to me. Thinking along those lines as well as considering just how much I've changed in the past year, I had an unexpected idea:

What if that bracelet had been bought by my former-self who was going away, for my present-self, as an expression of hope and love? I still get choked up when I think about that idea. It puts my feelings about "him" in a bit of a different light.


Dec 22 2017, 07.02pm
The OTHER other woman.

Back in the mid-90's, I was working as a PC tech for a company based out of Stuart. Well, I say "Company", but it was really only just the two of us.

Our main supplier for PC hardware was a reseller down in West Palm. A lot of the smaller computer businesses bought from them, so it was usually pretty busy at any given time. Once or twice a week, we would ride down there to pick up the parts we needed for upcoming installations and PC builds.

During one of our visits, I noticed "L", the guy I worked for, was talking in hushed tones with "G" who was the sales manager. They were talking about one of the other customers - a woman, which was an unusual sight in the "boys' club" that the computer business typically was back then and to a degree, still is today. Apparently, that woman ran her own PC company and up until recently had been a guy. They were talking something about how her jeans fit or some such. I don't recall the whole conversation. What I do recall is that I didn't dare look at her or even cast a glance in her direction. Until recently, I had assumed this to be out of courtesy and trying to not stare. I guess there was something more - maybe I didn't dare gaze upon what I was secretly hiding for fear of my reaction giving something away. I don't really know.

Fast-forward a whole lot of years to early December 2017. There's a similar shop near where I work that sells network and other structured wiring supplies, which I frequent to get materials for work. I also used to go there as my previous self.

Well, the last time I drove over there, I parked my truck, hopped out, slung my purse over my shoulder, and walked in the door. There were a bunch of guys in there, buying and selling and the only other woman in the place was one of the clerks at the sales counter. As I was wandering around looking for what I came to buy, that's when that story about the trans woman all those years ago came to the surface. I stood there for a moment and thought about how now I'm her - years apart but in very similar circumstances. I don't know if anyone in there was talking about me like they were about her all those years ago but the realization of the similarity was a bit shocking.

Jan 07 2018, 11.18am
The Last Jedi and the Newest Fan
I went and (finally!) saw The Last Jedi last night. I found it fairly enjoyable, in spite of any reviews to the contrary.

The most significant part of the whole experience was not the film itself, but whom I found myself sitting next to.

The theater was one of those with the big comfy powered reclining chairs and assigned seating - both nice qualities as opposed to the older movie theater model of it being a free-for-all where the later you arrive, the closer to the screen you sit. The downside to this newer model is that you'll never get a seat in the "prime' location down the center of the theater because you have to pay to be a "super-duper, extra-special" member or whatever they call it.

Anyway, enough griping - I'm getting off-track here.

For a movie that has been out a couple of weeks, there was still quite a crowd. Having arrived close to the start time, I could only get a seat in the third row from the screen - what we used to call "the breakneck seats". Next to me were a dad and a little boy - how old, I don't really know, but I'd guess between 5 to 8 years old. As I sat down and got myself settled, I could feel him staring intently at me. Of course, this was like a puff of air upon the tiny ember of insecurity I still carry with me and it flared briefly. Once I damped it down and got myself situated I turned toward him and favored him with a smile, at which point he sheepishly turned away. Thinking back several years ago, what he would have gotten from me would have been teeth bared in a feral grin. My how times have changed!

When the commercials and previews finally came to an end and we were advised to put on our 3D glasses (which we had already been wearing since most of the previews were 3D). The theater darkened and all was still momentarily until the theme music, familiar to me for 40 years, started playing. Seeing movement to my right, I turned to see that boy just dancing in his seat and waving his arms, just as happy as can be. I couldn't help but crack a wide smile at seeing the kind of innocent fandom I remembered from all those decades ago. It was not to last, however.

Just a little after an hour into the film, I heard some deep inhalations of breath next to me. I glanced over in his direction and saw that he had the seat fully reclined as far in the horizontal plane as it could go and he was curled up, fast asleep in what I hoped was his happy place.

In the years past, I've never been a fan of children. They were always little more than an irritant to me but I'm not sure why, to be honest. After all, they are the product of our basest, most primitive drive - that of passing on our particular blend of genes and perpetuation of the species and it's one of the primary things that gives us purpose as living, sentient beings.

When I first came out to my closest friends, (about a year ago, now) I remember saying one phrase on multiple occasions - "I'll still be 'me.'" It turns out that this was to be both true and false:

True in that I do still have the same sense of humor and way with words that I've always had. I still have a lot of the same interests as I did before. The connections that I've made with friends have, for the most part, not only remained but have grown stronger.

False in that that sense of humor and way with words are tempered with a loving, compassionate soul that, I'm told was always there, but has finally been allowed to come to the forefront.

A number of the attitudes and opinions I had expressed over the years, I've found are no longer applicable - most particularly those regarding children. Where I used to avoid them whenever possible in public and was irritated by their mere proximity to me, now none of that happens. I've found myself tested in that regard on a few occasions, in fact. Even at times when someone's kid is being a brat in a store or restaurant, that place inside me that was once incandescent with rage is now calm, peaceful, and often slightly bemused at the scene.

I can't say whether the source might be hormonally-driven changes in brain chemistry, a psychological shift from the emotional burden lifted from my shoulders in the past year, or the influence of many of the kind and loving people I've surrounded myself with - probably a combination of those and half a dozen other of the little tweaks and changes I've undergone during that time.

I'm sure I've said this before that I've tried to research this whole transition process so that I could navigate it as smoothly as possible, but I feel like I'm starting to head into uncharted waters so deeply personal that it cannot be navigated by anyone but myself.

Only I can choose which path this journey shall take, but I'm thankful that I don't have to walk it alone.

Jan 08 2018, 06.41am
A mother's love is...absent?
Ever since that night just before hurricane Irma hit us, when I drastically moved up my schedule and came out to my mother, I've been readying myself to take the next step. That next step is, of course, a face-to-face meeting. It's something I've been alternately looking forward to and dreading as the days have gone by.

That day is rapidly approaching - it's this Saturday (coincidentally on the 13th!)

I've been texting with her over the past week or two in order to get things set up. We've had to hash out some details, most particularly where to meet. Of course, she wants me to come to her house. I told her that I can't go there right now. I said I'm in a very fragile emotional period in my life and being in that environment would be about the worst thing I could do right now. I wouldn't be able to speak from the heart in that house.

Her reply was, "I don't understand why it is so horrible for you to come into this house. Why can't you let go of the past?"

I said, "It's because you have no idea what it was like for me growing up this way - carrying around an underlying depression that tainted every aspect of my life and personality, yet I had no idea of the cause. I had just assumed it was like that for everyone else in the world and they were just better than me at dealing with it. If I could 'let go of the past' as you say, we would never have had that conversation we did right before the hurricane. I would have simply decided to move on and have a life filled with a joy I never knew before. I don't want to do that out of the hope that we can have some sort of relationship going forward, but I need to take it slow."

Her reply was, "G (She can't bring herself to use my chosen name), I can appreciate what you are saying about being fragile and with all that you are dealing with. I love you very much G you are my only child and if meeting with me is something you have to do to make peace with your past then we will meet. As far as a relationship it's not going to be possible but we can talk a little about that later."

I so very much wanted to ask the question, 'Then why are you inviting me into your house if you already know this effort is doomed to fail? Are you just stringing along another wicked non-believer just long enough for that check from the insurance company to come in?"
Neither of those questions would have ultimately yielded an answer I wanted to hear though.

I'm going down there and having lunch with her at Bonefish in {SOUTH FLORIDA} at 2pm on Saturday. This is more of the all-too-common theme of proceeding into uncharted territory, which is simultaneously exciting and terrifying.

Addendum: I thought more about the idea of how horrible it was in that house. When I tried to recall the happy moments from growing up there...I couldn't think of a single one. Then the tears started falling.

That's why I can't go there.

Jan 12 2018, 05.15pm
Sic vis pacem para bellum - also a day of firsts.
I took today off from work to prepare myself for Saturday.

I had decided back when I started to formulate the plan for this trip that I was going to do my best to show my mom what a beautiful, confident woman I've become.

I went and got my hair done this morning - the blonde balayage was in dire need of a refresh. I got my nails done afterward - and another first for me, actually. This was the first time ever that I've had acrylic nails put on. More on that later. The last thing on my to-do list after lunch was to get my eyebrows done over at Ulta. They didn't have anyone on-duty at the time for doing eyebrow services, so I went to a salon one woman suggested, that does eyebrow threading. I'd heard of that process before but never even saw it done, let along had it done on me. Well, I went for it and a short while later, I came out looking fabulous!

The title of this entry, "Sic vis pacem, para bellum" basically means, "Hope for peace but prepare for war". That was the attitude I had had going into this whole endeavor. When I offhandedly expressed that idea to "K" at work yesterday, she told me in no uncertain terms that that was the wrong way to look at something like this. She said that if I look at it in those terms, then the whole effort was likely doomed to fail before it even began. In my mind at the time, I was thinking that way in more of a humorous fashion, but this gave me some food for thought.

Later on, I realized that the phrase, "preparing for war", and the almost fatalistic attitude accompanying it was an old coping mechanism that goes way, way back to my former life. Realization of this floored me, as I realized that I was going about it entirely the wrong way - that deep down inside, I didn't want to think of it in that way. I wanted so much for this to go in a positive direction and not turn into the disaster that I was surely and unconsciously setting myself up for.

With that in mind, my whole outlook on the situation did a 180-degree turn and I just kept my attitude positive for the remainder of the day. Later on, "K" even remarked that I seemed a bit brighter somehow and I mentioned that I had been re-thinking my whole view on the upcoming event and how much it helped relieve the anxiety which had been plaguing me as the date got closer.

Travel plans are set, the plan for dinner with an old friend has also been made so that, regardless of how it goes with my mom, I still have that to look forward to.

Also, just two days ago, I had been invited by a friend to a going-away party for one of our mutual friends with whom I had worked for over a decade until he was fired several weeks ago. I'd be seeing some people whom I had not seen in a lot of years - some of whom may not know what's been going on with me. I told her that I would love to come. I thought, "What better way to finish off a day spent making myself look fabulous?"



Jan 12 2018, 04.27pm
A commitment of sorts
In days past, prior to coming out to the world, I had been known to do my nails on a Friday evening, wear them like that all weekend, and then undo them for Monday morning when I had to go back to work.

What with all of the changes in my new life, one benefit is that I can leave my nails done all the time. One downside to it is that with my new body chemistry from the HRT, my nails are not nearly as thick and strong as they used to be. I have been experiencing one of the age-old problems suffered by women all over - weak nails I can't grow out very far before they break off.

I had decided it was time to get my nails done professionally and have the dip-acrylics done. I went to the salon, chose what color I wanted, and got started. After the nail tech at the salon filed my nails down to where they were even with the shortest one, I cringed a bit internally at how short they were and asked if it was too late to do extensions. She said it wasn't and got out her box of extension tips.

Later on that day, while I was eating a light lunch and marveling at how wonderful my nails looked, a realization hit me:

This was the first, real commitment I had made to having lovely, feminine nails. What I mean is that, previously with just nail polish, I could at any time simply take off the polish and return my nails to their natural state. Having acrylics done is a whole new thing which, in addition to being costly, takes a lot of time and effort to undo.

It was a happy moment and a milestone of sorts, I think.

Jan 12 2018, 11.50pm
Party time
I went to "B"'s place tonight for "M's going-away party. At first, I had seen it as a chance to maybe try and patch things up with "M" since I had inadvertently hurt him by not coming out to him before it was announced to the entire department at work. That and, in my own vain self-interest, I could show myself off to some folks I hadn't seen in many many years.

When I got there, I parked in the lot behind the building as had been requested so as to not tip off the guest of honor that this was a surprise party. He was to be under the impression that they were going to see the new Star Wars film. When I got there, I tapped on the sliding glass door and was beckoned to enter by "B"'s friend "J". I introduced myself and proffered the chilled bottle of Moscato I had brought with me. With that, glasses of wine were poured and we sat down to chat for a short while before another tap on the glass came. "J" waved the new visitor in and the door slid open. In stepped "JT" - a guy I had known many years ago back during the Coven and goth club days. I stood up, offered my hand and introduced myself as Cassandra. "JT" was cordial as usual, just how I remember him always having been, and there was no apparent flicker of recognition in his eyes. I had a little internal "Squee" moment at that!

A few more people showed up as we were chatting and suddenly we heard "M"'s key hit the lock on the front door. The guest of honor had arrived! We all scrambled for hiding places as the key turned and the door opened. Everyone jumped out and yelled, "Surprise!", catching him totally off-guard. The party had just officially started.

A short while later, as guests continued to trickle in, "P", whom I had similarly not seen in many years, came in with her husband "JM". Again, I greeted them and introduced myself as Cassandra. Again, no apparent flicker of recognition. Squee!

As we all chatted some more and I sat down to enjoy some of "J"'s awesome chili, "P" approached me and said that "M" had told her who I was and that she had thought she recognized me but wasn't sure enough to say anything. I think the Squee moment can still stand though. One thing that sticks out in my mind (and cause for another "Squee!" moment) is what she told me she was thinking when they came in the door. She said she had looked over at me on the opposite end of the room and wondered, "Who's she? She's beautiful but she looks a little bit like '{DEADNAME}'" She then told me about having not been entirely sure though.

We went out on the back porch to get away from the noise of the party and I told "P" about what all had been going on with me in recent years. I found out then that "M" had taken it upon himself to "out" me to both "JT" and "P" - something for which I should be a bit more annoyed at him than I really am. I had already planned to do so myself anyway, but just at my own pace. Oh well.

I ended up staying an hour longer than I had originally planned but eventually bid my farewells, saying that I had an important road trip coming up the following morning. What an understatement that was!

As I was saying my goodbyes, "M" and I shared a long hug and I wished him the best of luck with his new job and new home. We parted for a moment and locked eyes with each other. Mine were already starting to mist up. Apparently, he noticed and we hugged again, even tighter. I whispered in his ear, "I'm going to miss you!". At that moment, time slowed. I felt the stubble of his cheek lightly scratching mine and the impulse ran through my mind to give him a peck on the cheek, as any woman might do for a longtime friend. My breath caught as I held off that impulse for fear of the moment becoming awkward at that, given our history with each other. We separated again and again we made eye contact. He said to me, "Breathe. Just breathe." I nodded tightly, fighting off tears and turned away to head out into the cold damp air of the night.

Thank you for sharing your story.  For what's it worth it is very helpful to see other people's experiences.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Jan 13 2018, 01.32am
A cousin's love is a wonderful thing
While I was at the party earlier this evening, I got a message from my cousin "S". I had glanced at it while at the party and decided I needed to read it a little later because it was of a tear-inducing nature. It was in regard to my upcoming meeting with my mother.

This is the message:

"Hey Cassandra!!!! Aka G lol, I just want to lend my support for your reunion with mom. I know she can be ..... Difficult, especially with this religion thingy going on, but after your dad passed she was "lost" and had little hope for any kind of happiness until she found her place in church, which really does make her happy. I had always thought unk G didn't appear to appreciate or really care about your mom and seemed to frequently leave her hanging out there with a son who seemed to hate her, you were always so angry. BUT, With that being said, Yes you should insulate yourself for some level of rejection as it indeed may take time to negotiate this for you both. I can say this, when we were kids, girl you were something else! Not the most friendly, fluffy n soft thing for sure! But in hindsight it makes total sense. See the thing is, is you are, or seem to be SO happy and comfortable now, not so much comfortable with the world and the possible scrutiny but within yourself completely!!! Your smiles now are huge and seem to be deep and genuine and I don't remember you ever being that way... Egg shells forrizzle! In the end it may take time, it may be an enormous shock at first, but like your metamorphosis into a happy, fairly sure and BEAUTIFUL WOMAN all great things take time. She wants her child to love her, she always has. This is just the jumping off point, and jumping is always a little scary for us all ! I truly believe that when she recognizes how truly and finally happy you are it will slowly open that door a peep at a time. It's funny, after all these years, you both are genuinely happy, but it is apparent you both are missing the exact same thing.... Each other! And that my sister from another mister is a fact. She might be expecting that lil ->-bleeped-<- of an angry son... But she truly is in for a surprise!!!!!!!!!!! Good luck and don't be afraid to love her, she's probably afraid to love you. Lots of old wounds for you both."

With mind sufficiently blown at this, I replied,

"Hey, cousin! Thank you for sending that. You've said a lot there that I had never even considered thinking of from her perspective. At first, I had in mind that I was preparing for war. I realized, with some advice from friends that I was approaching it completely the wrong way - that I need to let go of that old, fatalistic coping mechanism I was apparently still clinging to.

With that, I've decided that I'm going to just keep a positive outlook on it and just go with what my heart truly feels.

Today, I got my hair and nails done and tomorrow, I'm going to walk into that restaurant as the beautiful, confident woman I have grown to be. I hope she'll see that and understand the this is who I truly am and I'm finally at ease with myself.

Jan 13 2018, 03.26pm
A child's love is found but was never truly lost...

Hi Mom, it's me, your daughter.
Well, I did it. I met with my mom for lunch on Saturday.

I arrived at the restaurant a few minutes early. Though I had made a reservation, the place was not very busy, given that it was past the normal lunch time. I asked the host if he could seat us a little bit away from the other diners because I was seeing my mom for the first time in over three years and that it might get a little bit emotional. He found me an out-of-the-way table with a window facing the parking lot.

When the waiter arrived with the tea I asked for, I noticed my hands were shaking as I slid the glass in front of me. Seeing movement in the parking lot, I glanced over and saw a woman approaching. Her hair was white and cut short in the same way my mom always....that's her!

As she stepped through the door, I stood up and straightened my dress. She saw me as she approached and we greeted each other with a hug. We sat down and started to talk. A lot of the conversation was a blur and some was the type of general small talk one might hear from any ladies out dining with each other.

One of the things we discussed centered around what my cousin had sent me about how my mom thought I hated her because I was so angry back than - just in general. My dad used to spend most of the year working overseas during that period in time, so she was having to earn a living, maintain a household and deal with a son whom she thought hated her. I told her that I had no idea the pressure of having to handle all of that with no gratitude from the one she was taking care of. I said I felt awful for having treated her that way. I had always had the feeling that she hated me - that she sought out any happiness I might be experiencing and stomp on it.

I told her the story about the bullet I had at one point planned to use to end my life and showed her the picture of it as well. She said, "I had no idea", to which I replied that I was very good at hiding things. I also talked to her briefly about some of the studies that have come about transgender people, especially the one that showed trans women having one key section of the brain similar in size to those of natal women, whereas that part of the brain in men is much smaller.

We talked some about her religion and how I realized how it had become such a large part of her life and what a comfort it was for her during those tough times.

The last point I brought up is about how when I got married 6 years ago, I hadn't told any of my family I even got married, let alone invited any of them to the wedding. My aunt (my mom's twin sister) had told me months ago that my mom had taken that like a slap in her face and I imagine that it had only reinforced the notion that I hated her. With eyes welling up with tears, I told her that though I couldn't change the past, I could at least say I was sorry for that and ask that she forgive me. She said she did forgive me.

During the whole conversation, she kept using my original name, as you might expect. The first time, I told her that everyone calls me Cassandra now, or Cassie if she preferred, and that it would mean a lot to me if she would make an effort to use my chosen name. She said she would try. It was all I could ask for. Each time she used my old name, I gently corrected her and she apologized and called me 'Cassie'. I call that progress!

At the end as we said our goodbyes and I-love-yous, we had one of the staff take our picture. Both of us were smiling probably more than we ever had before when we were together.

I think the combination of letting her see what a beautiful confident woman I had become, coupled with allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of her, made all the difference in the world with how it turned out.

It turned out to be a happy day! When I got back to the hotel room, I told Steph that it went really well. I then changed into my comfy clothes, lay down on the bed, and that was when the dam broke. All the stress of the past few weeks came flooding out of me. After a while, the sobs subsided and I was able to relax for a while.

What started out looking like it would be the final closure of one of the stories of my life, ended up just being the start of a new chapter.

Author's Note: Never once in my life did I imagine I'd exchange these exact words with my mom:

"Oh, I forgot how tall you are."

"I'm wearing heels, mom."

Jan 18 2018, 08.44pm
Surprisingly comfortable
Just this evening, I was thinking about what I have going on for work tomorrow and trying to be mindful of where I need to be and at what time.

Then, it hit me.

Tomorrow morning, I'm going to get up, do full (tastefully subtle) makeup, do my hair and put on the skirt suit I bought for myself last month. Later that morning, I'm going to be in a room full of people who are in public sector IT and/or law enforcement to attend a presentation by DHS on emergency communications.

It's something I've kind of looked forward to for several weeks now, and I only just now stopped to think about it. I, a transgender woman, is going into this largely male-dominated group, to join and interact with people on a professional level.

(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/wvy0fkuulkhyzpz/cassiesnewsuit.jpg)

I have to wonder, Where is the fear I'm supposed to be feeling? Where is the anxiety that should be crippling my mind? Where is the doubt about if I can even walk into that room? It's not there and I'm not sure exactly when it went away. This time last year, I would never have believed anyone if they told me what I'd be doing a mere 366 days later. I can't say when my comfort zone got this big or even where the boundary lies, for that matter. I guess I'll have to keep going further out until I find it and greet it like the old constant companion it was for so many years.

---

Jan 20 2018, 10.15pm
Wedding day.
"I" and "S" got married today.

With the upcoming trip to Phoenix, I was a bit rushed in getting ready for the wedding and as a result, I got there late. It was too late to get the audio gear set up and get my laptop set up on the projector, so neither of those happened. "I" was already grouchy when I got there and even more so as time for the actual marriage approached. The energy in the room was rather chaotic and I didn't want to further exacerbate things, so I just sat down with "W" and "R" and essentially became part of the scenery.

"I" had asked me to start the music when the ceremony was about to start and I had asked him if he was going to signal me or what. He said he would. When he and "S" looked like they were getting in place, I saw him raise his arm. I guess that was the sign because after about three seconds he got this exasperated look and marched over to where the laptop was plugged into the sound system. Well, pardon the hell out of me! I'm sorry I didn't react instantaneously to a rather vague arm movement. I'm still annoyed about that but, whatever.

A bit later on, I noticed two guys who were wandering in and out of the room - presumably, for frequent smoke breaks. One of them looked suspiciously like a bearded version of "D". I asked "I" if that's who it was and he said yes, and the guy with him is "L", whom I didn't recognize at all. I asked him if they knew about me transitioning and he said, "I think so".

Well, great. As with many of the things in my new life, I had to take a leap of faith. A small one, to be sure, but a leap nevertheless. I walked over and sat down with them. They knew who I was and even "D" said, "Congratulations on your transition." That made me feel better and the mild tension flowed right out.

We talked about some of our cars we had back when Nightmare Racing was a thing. "L" asked me how Puck (my cat) was doing and the conversation took on a somber note. I told the brief story about how I lost him about 7 years ago.

(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/cftx8pa0ewkhzmp/weddingday.jpg)

They had had a pair of photographers moving around the room, taking random pictures of the guests and there was a moment I was laughing at something one of my nearby table neighbors had said. I suspected that one of them took my picture from across the room at that exact moment but wasn't sure. Well, I was right. This was another of those moments of which I had not even conceived the possibility. Not back almost a year ago when the wedding had been mentioned to me. Yet, there I was, perfectly at ease in heels and the dress I had bought for the occasion.

Jan 21 2018, 10.46pm
Flight into Phoenix.
After the wedding and subsequent rushed packing back at home, I made my way over to Steph's house fairly late in the evening. Later than I would have liked but right around the time I had estimated.

In the wee hours of the morning, we all woke, went through our morning routines - however abbreviated they may have been and we were on the road, bound for the Tampa airport.

In spite of the minor trepidation at the prospect of flying on a commercial airline for the first time as Cassandra, that fairly new sense of the 'New Normal' asserted itself and we went forth into the process of checking our luggage, solving one problem after another as would any other seasoned air travelers. I thought I might have had more to worry about due to my ID and the boarding pass still having my original name on them.

As we approached the check-in area, Stephanie and I stared dumbly at the bewildering array of self-service baggage check terminals scattered about, as though we were a pair of slackjawed luddites. After shaking off that brief moment of confusion, we quickly caught on to the process that was being carried out by other nearby travelers. As if in Rome, we decided to follow suit after eyeing the terminals with a measure of suspicion - the geek parts of our brains already spinning into high gear to tackle this latest challenge.

We stepped up to separate terminals to make our offerings of sacred QR codes and money-laden plastic cards to these miniaturized altars to the pagan gods of air travel. As though we were parsimonious heathens, our offerings were summarily rejected by these inscrutable machines. There was no solace to be taken whilst standing under the cold glare of their touch-sensitive screens. Almost in unison, we both glanced with dismayed looks at the monstrous line of people that snaked out from the airline's customer service desk. Glumly, we shuffled over to the end of that line, tugging behind us the wheeled cases each carrying a small subset of our wardrobes and necessary items. After only a few minutes, I said I was going to see if anyone in the baggage self-check line could help us, as it was a much shorter line.

Shortly after I got in that line, a friendly lady wearing the livery of our particular airline came over and asked if I had had trouble getting checked in. I responded in the affirmative and she guided me over to one of the other terminals. After I once again scanned my boarding pass, the woman flew through the menus on the terminal like a practiced expert until she got to the passenger names. Steph and I were both on there, and I suppose we could have checked both our bags at the same time. She looked up at me and asked, "Is {DEADNAME} here also?" I was momentarily confused but after a brief pause, I recovered and replied, "Um...that's me," as I showed her my driver's license. After glancing at my license, her gaze returned to me with a puzzled look and with a sheepish smile and a tilt of my head I said, "It's a long story." I had no time to savor the feeling of this brief affirmation as she continued.

She responded with a kind smile and returned to the task at hand, swiftly yielding a tag for my suitcase and a baggage claim check for use at the far end of our journey. I hurriedly waved Steph over from the seemingly inescapable gulag of the customer service line.

With a similar set of offerings and genuflections later, we and our suitcases had parted ways and we were on our way to the security line.

Once in line at the security checkpoint, we got in line for our "screening". Thankfully, our tickets had both qualified us for "pre-check" which, I found out, cuts out some of the more stringent security measures folks are subjected to. Still, there was a small percentage of a chance that I might have to walk through the body scanners and then have to explain the presence of extra bits on a body whose identifying documents asserted was female. Aside from having had to have a repeat engagement with the metal detector due to my belt buckle, we made it through security without any issues.

We did not have to wait before boarding at the gate since the intervening time was taken up by our procurement of upscale coffees and breakfast sandwiches.

After getting seated, we took the appropriate happy departure selfies to post on our respective social media sites and soon we were airborne.

Hours later, we touched down in Phoenix, Arizona - a place neither of us had ever visited before. Oddly enough, the air inside the jetway as we deplaned was unexpectedly cool.

Once we got ourselves oriented, we made our way to the baggage claim area. Steph had been in communication with Tia, who was flying into Phoenix at almost the same time as we were. She came in at a different terminal and agreed to meet us at our baggage claim carousel. A little while later, we had met up with Tia and were shortly reunited with our baggage. As we walked toward the exit door to the rental car shuttle buses, Steph and I paused momentarily to pull on the light jackets we had brought with us on the planes. Tia, however, had marched about 20 yards outside the door before realizing we weren't with her and turned around to give us a bemused smile. She had had to fight her way through snow to get to her departing flight, so this 40-degree weather in Phoenix was nothing to her. For us Florida gals, it was FRIGID! I complained to Tia that, "It's not supposed to be this cold here! I've seen the old westerns - it's supposed to be Africa-hot here!"

As we approached the shuttle bus, the driver greeted us with a friendly smile as he took our bags from our hands and loaded them on the bus for us. This kind of treatment is something I'm still getting used to but in this case, I was grateful for it. A 34 pound suitcase weighs a lot more than it used to!

Once in our rental car with the airport quickly receding in the rearview mirror, we went forth to carry out the plan that Stephanie had initiated. To the hospital we went.

Being a Sunday morning, there was a bit of confusion as to how we were supposed to gain entry to the building but the mystery was quickly solved and we headed up to the second floor. Just moments after exiting the elevator, we nearly collided with Kendra who was taking some of her first tentative steps out of bed after the surgery. Her face took on a look of utter disbelief at the three of us standing before her and for nearly a full minute, no coherent sounds came from her. This moment proved that the visit we had planned had taken her completely by surprise.

Mission accomplished!

Jan 22 2018, 01.47pm
High Plains...er...Desert Drifters
This morning, we met up with Mariah and headed off into the high desert in our rented hybrid.

We set our course based on the route one of Steph's friends had laid out for us as being the "more scenic" - that also meant it would take more than a few hours to traverse. Out of concern for my lack of any type of winter clothes, we made a stop at a Wal Mart, though I don't remember exactly where. No such luck - I didn't find anything better than what I had brought with me. Oh well. We did load up on drinks and snacks for the ride, so it was still a worthwhile stop.

At one point during the ride through some of the more striking landscape of the area - places I had previously only seen in pictures, we all grew silent for a while and my thoughts turned inward. That's when a stark realization hit me.

The day before, we had flown all the way out to Phoenix to see a friend who was in recovery from her Gender Confirmation Surgery (GCS) or "Bottom Surgery" as it's also called. It's considered by some to be a sort of "holy grail" of trans women - a goal that requires a level of commitment, sacrifice, and not an insignificant amount of money for most, beyond what any of us have previously experienced in our lives.

To many cisgender folks, it merely represents a horrific mutilation to one's own body. For trans women, it stands for a final farewell to a body part we should never have had in the first place and is commonly used by our society as the sole indicator of one's gender. A part, the presence of which, we are constantly reminded every time we have to use the bathroom which, depending on the medication one is on, can be quite frequent. It is also a prime source of the dysphoria most of us experienced over almost our entire lives, to one degree or other.

Getting back to that moment in the car, the realization I mentioned was that I had been in a room with, at one point, nearly a half-dozen other trans-women, all but two of whom had already had their GCS. I was one of the two. It hit me how my progress was being held back by a number of things - my desire to wait until my divorce was final before getting my name changed. I had to absorb a lot of self-outing during the flight there because everything had to be tied to my original, very much masculine, name. On top of all that, my wife was wanting to change some of the terms of the divorce in a way that would take away potential money I was planning to use on getting various surgeries done. Another potential setback and more delay on my name change. Couple that with the financial difficulties I had already been dealing with, I just felt like I was being pushed further and further away from my personal goals.

I started to tear up and was soon afterward sobbing quietly with my companions asking me if I'm okay. I didn't offer any details at the time but explained it all to Steph later on in our hotel room that evening. I had only just met Mariah the day before and wasn't that comfortable just pouring my heart out to someone I hardly knew.

After a time, I got past that episode, but knew inside that I wasn't quite done "letting it all out". I had held back for the sake of Steph and Mariah - I didn't want to ruin their day as well. The resultant numbness afterward pretty well put a damper on the rest of the afternoon for me. I dutifully took pictures of anything that looked interesting and tried to be a bit playful when we stopped in a town for lunch. I plucked up a handful of show hanging on an evergreen bush and tossed it at Steph's shoulder. My heart really wasn't in it though, but again I was just trying to put on a positive face for my friends.

Jan 22 2018, 07.49pm
OMG, look at her!
Tonight, back at the hotel, I was playing around with the flexible tripod I had bought for my cell phone mount. Since I had forgotten to bring the actual phone bracket, my purchase of the tripod earlier that day was a bit of a waste. Still, it's something I had been meaning to buy anyway, and what better excuse to spend money than while on a little vacation?

I set up my phone on it over on the dresser and sat down on the bed to give the camera a nice smile. When I looked at the photo, my first thought was, "Wow, I really do look like a girl!"

In spite of the implied disbelief in the success of my transition so far, I was feeling very happy with myself at that moment. Of course, I look like a girl. That's who I am. The rest of the world saw her already. It just took me longer to see her too.

---

Jan 22 2018, 09.40pm
Having a pint 'round the pub.
During the planning of this trip to Phoenix, I briefly wondered (being ignorant of the local geography) how far Tempe was from Phoenix. In Tempe, there is an Irish pub called "Rula Bula", which is featured in a series of books called "The Iron Druid Chronicles".

I, my wife, and our friend "D" had grown to love those books, and when the opportunity came to actually go to Rula Bula, have a pint of Guinness, and find out for myself whether or not they have the world's best Fish & Chips, I could not pass it up. I made that one of our mandatory stops during the trip - especially since I found out that Tempe is just one of the suburbs of Phoenix - oh happy day!

It turned out that Rula Bula was less than two miles from our hotel! Tonight, after the emotionally taxing day I had had in that drive into the high desert, I was going to have that pint and enjoy those fish & chips!

I have to say that Kevin Hearne was right about the fish & chips. They were truly the best I had ever had!

I made sure to get T-shirts from the pub for myself, "K", and "D" before we left. That made the bill a bit on the steep side but hey, we're on vacation!

Feb 13, 2018
Momma's got a brand new ride!
This past Tuesday, I bought a car.

In a decision that mirrors some of the more radical changes I've experienced in this past year of transition, I traded in The Behemoth and got myself a hybrid. This was quite a departure from full-size, lifted 4-wheel-drive pickup truck to a fuel-efficient, eco-friendly hybrid sedan - about as much a 180-degree shift as I could have made.

You know what? I'm a lot happier with the car. Not only are all of the reasons for having that truck completely out the window, but as Steph pointed out, that truck represents shedding a significant part of my former self. "He" originally bought that truck with the intent of using it on "his" property up in Kentucky, both before and during the planned retirement up there. Since none of that is going to happen anymore, all the truck was doing was costing me a lot of money in fuel alone, not to mention the maintenance it was in dire need of.

I knew I had a choice to make in the days leading up to that evening, but my mind was plagued by thoughts of the stereotypical car buying experience - sleazy polyester-suited fifty-ish men sporting gin blossoms and smelling of Old Spice and Grecian Formula. Given my experiences around those types...before, I was really not looking forward to going into this now, not just as a woman but a woman car shopping by herself. I felt it almost a certainty that the sharks would smell blood in the water as soon as I stepped foot on that car lot.

Still, it was a choice I had to act upon soon - either trade in the truck on something new or newer at least, or put over a thousand dollars into rectifying those issues with the truck and still be spending over $200 each month on fuel alone. The choice was pretty clear though, on the way to the dealership, I had to ask myself , "Cassie, are you sure you can do this?"

My answer to myself was, "Yes, I can!"

I pulled into the Hyundai dealership not far from work, and with my purse slung over my shoulder and a confident stride, I walked into the sales office.

The first guy who noticed me walk in definitely fit the sterotypical car salesman I had described above. He gave me a very obvious visual appraisal, top-to-bottom and called over his shoulder to someone I couldnt see back where the office cubicles were. "Here we go," I thought, "Into the lion's den."

Much to my delight, a salesLADY came out of the office area to greet me with a warm smile and introduced herself as "Liz".

"Hi Liz, I'm Cassandra" I replied, shaking her proffered hand.

We talked briefly about what I was looking for and I told her I was interested in the Sonata hybrid. In our discussion, we narrowed it down to two possibilities - both fairly high-end trim levels but I figured I would start there and see how the numbers work out. Contingent to the test-drive, she asked for my drivers license which I handed over without hesitation. She glanced at it briefly and asked me to have a seat while she put it in their system. Shortly thereafter, we were on the road in what turned out to be a really nice car. My interest in this type of car had been piqued back when Steph and I took that trip to Phoenix. A Sonata hybrid is what we rented for the time we were there. Though it was a base model, it was still a very nice car and I would have been totally fine with one of those instead of the Behemoth.

After a brief but satisfactory test drive, we were back in the office going over the paperwork. It was at that point that I decided it was time to out myself and get it over with so we could move forward. I spoke up and mentioned that she probably already noticed that the name on my license didn't match the one I gave when I introduced myself. She just gave a smile and a casual wave and said, "Don't worry about it. I have a friend back in Kenya who is going through the exact same thing as you."

After I breathed a sigh of relief, we talked about that a bit more - how things had changed for her friend back in Kenya since she moved to the U.S. years ago. She told me about having gone back there a year or two ago and her transgender friend was marching in a pride parade being held there. It was a peaceful event - no violence of the kind one might expect in a third-world country.

We talked some more and then she had me fill out the credit application on her laptop. As I worked my way through all of the questions on it, one of their techs was going over my truck to assess the trade-in value. We both finished at the same time and walked over to where the tech had keyed in all of the pertinent information about The Behemoth. I corrected her with one piece of info about the wheel size and that added a bit more to the value. She showed me the offer amount and I was honestly shocked that not only was it more than "break-even" on what I still owed but it was almost double!

I accepted their offer and we moved forward with the sale. The next stop was the office of their finance manager, a decidedly non-sleazy gentleman named Patrick. He was very friendly and made no issue out of any aspect of my name. In a small act of rebellion, I did sign each and every one of those signature boxes with my best "Cassandra Bradley". The same went for all of the little boxes I had to initial. "CB" went into those.

At the end of the whole process, I came away with the keys to my first brand-new car ever in my life, and bid a final farewell to The Behemoth.

Out of all the choices and decisions I've made over the years - many of which were impulsive and/or not really thought out - I think this was actually a smart one. Part of me is still in disbelief at the notion of having signed a 6-year loan for a car that was that expensive and I'm still saving myself money as opposed to spending even more. My brain can't seem to accept as a good thing the fact that I am paying a few dollars less each month on a vehicle that will cost me hundreds of dollars less to run and will be extremely low-maintenance for the next few years while it's still under warranty. Hopefully I'll get over that feeling and get on with enjoying my new car.

I suppose that feeling is kind of similar to when I bought my BMW all those years ago. It was such a nice car that I just couldn't wrap my head around how a dirtbag like me (there's that low self-esteem talking) would even deserve a car like that, let alone be able to afford one!

Maybe now that I've finally accepted and started to like myself, I'm also willing to do what is necessary for me to have a happy future. Just the realization that I want myself to have a future has got me in tears right now.

Feb 28, 2018
Atomic meltdown
Today started out with lots to look forward to. Steph had her appointment downtown and we were going to go and have lunch together, then in the evening we were going to meet up again at the T-Network gathering downtown.

I had been under a bit of stress both from work and personally lately. One of my big worries was that I had stopped working out as much as I used to and was starting to feel the effects of the backsliding, mainly in my level of physical stamina. It was another one of those feelings that represented (in my mind) a horrifying return to the former me - overweight, unmotivated, less-than-happy, and worsening on all three fronts. Conversely, I wasn't feeling motivated enough to get out to yoga class, go bike riding, or even go for a walk, thereby exacerbating the feelings of losing ground.

At work, I had been beating my head against a brick wall in one of those situations where, no matter what I did, I got pushed further and further away from a solution.

I had hoped today would be a nice day, and it was. We even got to meet up with a friend for coffee and share with each other what has been going on in our lives lately.

As the day wore on, the notion had crossed my mind to just blow off the T-Network thing that evening and go home, but I knew Steph was going to be there and I had missed the last one as well. It was at a place downtown that I had never been to but had an idea where it was. With about a half-hour to spare, I left work and headed downtown. That's when things started to go wrong.

My first mistake was letting the map app on my phone be my sole guide to the location. It took me to completely the wrong place. Of course, I was close enough to downtown to be trapped in that particular urban hell, the levels of which are marked with numerous signs that read, "ONE WAY", "NO PARKING", "NO STOPPING OR STANDING". The stress started building.

The app on my phone started malfunctioning, which meant it probably needed a reboot, though I couldn't stop anywhere to sort of regroup and get my bearings. More stress.

No matter which way I was pointed, all the ONE WAY streets might as well have been marked WRONG WAY. More stress.

I got Steph on Messenger, voice-only through the bluetooth in my car and found that she just got parked over by where we were going. Then, I almost ran head-on into a truck that was going around some other cars. Even more stress.

My voice started to crack and eyes got moist. I told her that this is probably the last one of these I'm going to go to downtown, though I was thinking I wasn't going to make it to this one at all. Stress upon stress upon stress.

I pulled into the entrance of the library parking garage, trying to find a place to get my bearings, only to find out it was $10 to park there. That's when the dam started to overflow. I told the lady at the ticket booth that I didn't want to park, I just wanted to get out of here and now I have cars behind me, blocking me in. She gave me a special ticket and, in a bored voice completely oblivious to any evidence of my distress, instructed me to go up and around and down to the exit on the other side. At the other side was an equally bored parking attendant who took the ticket I silently handed to him and after a few seconds the gate went up and I was free to return to the rest of the cars being squeezed almost involuntarily through the city streets like so much sludge through a digestive system.

By then, I was in full-on meltdown mode and there was not only no stopping that, but also no stopping anywhere in the area to just have my "lady minute" and get myself together. I just chose a direction I knew would get me out of that unbearable place. "I can't do this," I sobbed into the phone, "I'm going home." I don't think Steph heard me at that point, so I punched the disconnect button and kept wailing and driving.

Shortly after, I found a place to park along the side of the road. Gratefully, I pulled over and stopped. That's when the flood really got going. On and on and on it went, with no real end in sight. I texted Steph and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this."

She asked if I need her to come and get me and I thought about that for a brief moment. I'd considered saying "no" because I didn't want to ruin her evening, which is what my previous self would have said. Instead, I replied. "I don't know how good company I'd be. I'm a total wreck right now. If you're okay with it, I think I could use a friend. I don't know what's wrong with me."

The reply I got was, "On my way. Eight minutes. Galaxy Girl to the rescue".

I sent her my rough location and continued to dampen tissue after tissue, wondering briefly if passers-by on the sidewalk could hear my wailing. I don't think I've ever cried this much in my life and really couldn't understand why I was doing so now.

I realized afterward that I had had another worry about backsliding into old habits and behaviors. Specifically, the way my old self was so antisocial. I thought about how I really knew very few people in that group and tended to just talk to them - a sort of comfort zone I suppose. Maybe this far along, after all I've done, after all the boundaries I've pushed past, falling into this sort of comfort zone is one of those things that subconsciously terrifies me. I can see myself falling back into those old habits because they were easy. They were comfortable enough. I think that's what really wrecked me. I was so determined to make it to this social gathering that as I got more and more frustrated, my physical state deteriorated rapidly to a point where I didn't feel at all presentable to folks, many of whom I had perceived as "rockstars" of a sort - who were already successfully transitioned back when I was just dipping my toes in those waters. I couldn't bear the notion of presenting myself to them in such a wretched state. Of course, that only made my state worse, in self-replicating, ever-increasing cycles.

Minutes later, Steph arrived and sat in the car with me, and with a gentle hand on my shoulders and the loving concern for her sister, she helped pull me up out of the pit of my own making.

She's my rockstar!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've finally caught up with the real-time "me". Any subsequent posts will be in the present (at the time) and no longer italicized (to differentiate).

I hope any of you who've made it this far have found some benefit to reading my story and might come back every now and then to check on me. My story is still being written and has a great many chapters yet to come, hopefully with some insights, epiphanies, and happy times ahead.

Thank you for reading!

Thank you, Cassie, for sharing your intimate journal with us.  That was very generous.  Spelling out the struggles you have gone through will help a lot of people trying to deal with their own struggles.

Quote from: KathyLauren on March 06, 2018, 05:11:30 PM
Thank you, Cassie, for sharing your intimate journal with us.  That was very generous.  Spelling out the struggles you have gone through will help a lot of people trying to deal with their own struggles.

Thanks, Kathy. I hope it does help some of the folks who are just starting out. I'll keep sharing the significant events as they happen, but I'm starting to settle into this life as the "new normal". The world still has much magic yet to be discovered!

Today, I had a training class to go to downtown and I was once again going to be around a lot of folks in the law enforcement field, so naturally I had to dress my most professional.
As has become the norm around strangers, I was addressed and treated just as any other woman. When I got back to my office, one of my co-workers walked by my office door and said, "There she is..."

It wasn't what he said so much as how he said it - with no hesitation, no stopping to think about it, and no misgendering/immediate correction either. It was as if it were just routine.
This may not sound like anything terribly significant, but he's one of the guys who has been here several years and had gotten to know...the old me.

The idea that people who know both versions of me are also getting into the "new normal" around me...well that's huge!

Quote from: SassyCassie on March 06, 2018, 02:46:35 PM.
Minutes later, Steph arrived and sat in the car with me, and with a gentle hand on my shoulders and the loving concern for her sister, she helped pull me up out of the pit of my own making.

She's my rockstar!

Oh gosh. I'd skimmed this earlier, but didn't think I had to read it, since I lived it. But I didn't realize it ended like that.

I've never been a rockstar before.

I honestly don't know how I would have handled this type of situation in my previous life. Maybe grudgingly blast over and try a few embarrassing "buck up" platitudes.

But now there's just no hesitation. My sister needed help. I had to go. Now. I think anybody here would have done the same thing. You certainly would have done the same for me. It doesn't make me exceptional. It makes me a woman.

Wow. I said it out loud. Maybe that is exceptional.


- Stephanie

Hi Cassie,

You tell an amazing story. Many of us have lived different yet similar lives but the way you tell the tale, connecting us so well to the emotions, the fears, the rattled chaos....wow girl. The woman named Cassie that I met in Scottsdale showed such poise and togetherness, I was in a bit of awe of her. It is good to hear that she is facing what we all face, and while occasionally shaken, comes out stronger.

Tia Anne

Quote from: Anne Blake on March 08, 2018, 05:46:47 PMIt is good to hear that she is facing what we all face, and while occasionally shaken, comes out stronger.

Even when she's shaken, I am stirred.


- Stephanie

Awesome Mz Martini!

Quote from: Anne Blake on March 08, 2018, 05:46:47 PM
You tell an amazing story. Many of us have lived different yet similar lives but the way you tell the tale, connecting us so well to the emotions, the fears, the rattled chaos....wow girl.

I suppose that's just the way I write, especially with the autobiographical topics. Unfortunately, while writing about a very emotionally-charged event, I tend to relive the moment and the tears start falling in an encore performance of that past event. Still, maybe writing about it and having that moment is just a bit more of the cleansing which is still needed for the good of mind and spirit.

Quote from: Anne Blake on March 08, 2018, 05:46:47 PMThe woman named Cassie that I met in Scottsdale showed such poise and togetherness, I was in a bit of awe of her. It is good to hear that she is facing what we all face, and while occasionally shaken, comes out stronger.

I appreciate the compliment, Tia, I really do. I just feel undeserving of being viewed with such awe because I don't feel like I'm doing anything special - I'm just being me. Maybe the drive to push through all of the barriers and roadblocks and to either climb over or tear down the walls placed in front of me is due, in part, to the desire to run away as far and as fast as I can from that person I used to be. Anything that even suggests a possible return to those ways only serves to make me fight harder and be stronger than I ever imagined I could be.

Some days, I still find myself asking the question, "Why do I bother?". Those words ring hollow though. I know why I bother. In spite of all the challenges, all of the heartache, all of the doubt, the joy I've been able to experience even in the relatively short time since beginning this journey, makes it all 110% worthwhile.

Quote from: SassyCassie on February 10, 2018, 03:32:14 PM

Just before we rung off, we exchanged I love you's, and I realized that for the first time in my life, I actually meant it. Afterward, I cried tears of joy and relief for almost 15 minutes.

Hi Cassie, I'm still deep in your story.  I love it and identify with lots of it.  I was going to wait till I got to the end or present time before replying, but this quote had me tear up and shed a few tears.  I've had this exact experience.  My mom even stopped me after I said it saying she's been waiting for it forever and thanked me.  Now if I ever forget to tell her I love her I call right back.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on March 13, 2018, 07:56:11 PM
I've had this exact experience.  My mom even stopped me after I said it saying she's been waiting for it forever and thanked me.  Now if I ever forget to tell her I love her I call right back.

Now that you've crossed that threshold have you found that there is no more anxiety every time you think of her, as there was previously?

Quote from: SassyCassie on March 14, 2018, 11:13:05 AM
Now that you've crossed that threshold have you found that there is no more anxiety every time you think of her, as there was previously?

I do, in fact, I miss when we don't talk regularly now.  I feel like I'm closer now to my mom and my dad than I've ever been before.

Bari Jo

PS.  I'm caught up now, and will continue with your adventures.  I love how Steph is your partner in crime.  I need one of those over here.

Identity crisis.
I'm finding myself in a bit of a quandary right now. As a part of the (as yet verbal) agreement for the divorce, the plan is to sell the property we had originally bought with retirement in mind and split the proceeds.

It's been left to me to contact the realtor and make arrangements for putting it up for sale. The problem that whole plan is twofold: I haven't had any of my legal documents changed, so everything has my original name on it. Also, the property is located in south-central Kentucky, where you can throw a frisbee in any direction and be almost guaranteed it'll hit a church. Why there? It's a decision that was made by a completely different person.

I have two choices - I could either call up the realtor and basically impersonate my former self at the risk of a meltdown afterward, which would probably make for a smoother transaction, or go through the name change process which could take up to another month to complete and then out myself to the realtor and everyone else involved in the process in a place where folks might not be very receptive to the idea.

I could be stereotyping people again and actually have nothing to worry about, but many stereotypes are based in reality. In this case, it's a very real and all too common possibility for trans folks.

The actual sale can be done via fax, phone, email, and FedEx, so at least I don't have to engage in visual theatrics, though I've had the notion to go up there one last time. Such a visit might be the acid test as far as passing goes but I haven't decided if it's worth the potential personal risk.

Most of this is just stream-of-consciousness but it's been eating at me for the last few days and I know it helps sometimes to just write it out somewhere and since this story has caught up with real-time...well, here we are!

I think this is just a name change.  I am not a lawyer, but I think there's probably precedent already set on this.  I'd bring it up with your Realtor, and say you have copies of all the legal name change documents to show at time of sale.  I bet it can go fine.  You just have to be prepared ahead of time with all the forms on all sides.  Go ahead and bring it up to her.  If you have an LGBT Center, I bet there's legal advice there for this sort of thing too.

Bari Jo

It's a tough situation to be in. 

Selling a house can take months, so there is no significant difference in the eventual outcome if you take the time to make your name change legal first.  Yes, it does mean outing yourself to the realtor by sending him a copy of your name change, but he is not going to refuse to represent with you, regardless of his views on trans people.  It would take an exceptional brand of lunacy to refuse a commission on such grounds, especially knowing that you will just go to his competition if he does.

The alternative, impersonating your former self, is just too horrible an idea to contemplate.  It would significantly harm you.

It's not an easy decision, I understand your reasoning for wanting to take the "safe" option, but I have to agree with Kathy. It will probably do you more harm than good by going back to your old self.

Real estate is a very competitive business to be in. It is around here anyway. Real estate agents I've dealt with in the past would sell their own mother to make a sale. They wouldn't let any personal prejudices get in the way of a sale.

More importantly, I also think it would be very harmful to you personally to go back to being somebody you are not. You are Cassandra, you just need to make your ID documents match your current name.

Besides, wouldn't it be illegal to impersonate someone else while profiting from the sale of a property? [emoji846]

Jayne

Cassie,

Just finished up reading your recounting of your journey.  Thanks so much for sharing.  It has been an immense pleasure getting to know you.  Looking forward to more.

(A different) Stephanie

Quote from: Jayne01 on March 15, 2018, 11:56:57 AM
It's not an easy decision, I understand your reasoning for wanting to take the "safe" option, but I have to agree with Kathy. It will probably do you more harm than good by going back to your old self.

You're both absolutely right, as I soon realized.

There is a line on the name change petition form that reads:

"13.Criminal History.  In the last twenty-five years, the Petitioner has not been arrested for or charged with, pled guilty or nolo contendere to, or been found to have committed a criminal offense, regardless of the adjudication."

Without going into too much detail, suffice it to say that I advised my attorney that, "I cannot honestly say that that's a true statement." Don't worry though, you're not dealing with some former axe-murderer or anything like that. :D I just had some troubles over the years gone by but nothing that is an immediate disqualifier for the name change process.

As such, he advised me to get court-certified "final disposition" documents from the clerk of the court's office where each incident occurred. Okay, great.

The first one I contacted, I did so under my original name which is associated with the case detail. That was a mistake, I realized. Because of the interaction having to be online and via phone to get that paperwork...I came to a dead stop. I just couldn't bring myself to impersonate "him", even for the purpose of getting this vital piece of the puzzle. This stalled the whole process for over a week. When I told my attorney of the difficulty I was having with getting that paperwork, he basically gave me the one-finger salute and told me to hire a private investigator to go chasing this paper for me. Okay, great. I bet this guy wonders why people hold lawyers in such low regard.

Galvanized into action, I repeated the process using my work phone number and email address - all of which identifies me as Cassandra. That first clerk's office still had the original request open and the woman I talked to asked me if it was the same request. I told her that "He put in the request but he didn't follow through, so here we are." I laughed and said, "It's his credit card that's paying for this though!"

Suffice it to say, after getting over that particular hurdle, I have two of the necessary documents in hand already and the third and final one (the results of that above conversation) will be arriving by Wednesday of this week.

With any luck, hopefully I'll have that court order in my hand and can start the process of getting everything else changed - up to and including my birth certificate before the people in expensive suits decide to change the rules because they decided we don't get enough treatment as second-class citizens.

How exciting to be well on your way to getting your name change sorted out. Bummer about the minor hiccup with not being able to impersonate "him". You seem to have found a good work around. I guess your inability to be your old self gave you an opportunity to see that you don't need to compromise who you are to achieve a desired goal (ie. name change and selling your property). There is always an alternative way of doing something.

I hope the rest of your name change process goes smoothly for you.

Jayne

The best kind of amnesia.

Last week, I got a rather heartwarming text from my co-worker and mutual friend of myself and Steph. She said she was scrolling through some old emails and ran across some from <DEADNAME>, and she "...had no idea who that was. It completely did NOT register." She said she was flabbergasted and then just smiled with delight.

I did a little happy dance with a "squee" sound and told her that it was the nicest thing anyone had said to me all week!

She's actually the second person to have told me something like this. I texted my therapist about a month ago and I guess he has my original name still in his phone because he said, "I saw <DEADNAME> come up on my phone and I remember wondering, 'Who the hell is <DEADNAME>?'"

People are starting to forget. Those who only knew my previous self for a short while are the first ones. I don't think they will be the last and as the name goes away, so will the pronouns. Time is finally showing a bit of kindness.

So kewl and happy for you!

Cassie, congratulations on such a big step! WOW, it is one that I have never even thought really possible, treasure these moments. Now I have something to look forward to in a big way........but having met you, I can not even begin to understand how anyone could see anything but sweet competent woman. Go girl!

Tia Anne

Quote from: SassyCassie on March 23, 2018, 01:41:19 PM
The best kind of amnesia.

Last week, I got a rather heartwarming text from my co-worker and mutual friend of myself and Steph. She said she was scrolling through some old emails and ran across some from <DEADNAME>, and she "...had no idea who that was. It completely did NOT register." She said she was flabbergasted and then just smiled with delight.

I did a little happy dance with a "squee" sound and told her that it was the nicest thing anyone had said to me all week!

She's actually the second person to have told me something like this. I texted my therapist about a month ago and I guess he has my original name still in his phone because he said, "I saw <DEADNAME> come up on my phone and I remember wondering, 'Who the hell is <DEADNAME>?'"

People are starting to forget. Those who only knew my previous self for a short while are the first ones. I don't think they will be the last and as the name goes away, so will the pronouns. Time is finally showing a bit of kindness.

That's fantastic.  :icon_love:

He's sick and I'm tired...

Well, I got the three court documents I need to move forward with my name change. I scanned and sent them to my attorney aaaaaaand...he told me he was sick last week. Well, ain't that some <EXPLETIVE>?

For what it's worth, he did say that the documents look good and should suffice for the hearing. I'm going to follow up with him in the morning and see if he's still playing hooky or if he's back in the saddle again and ready to shuffle some paper around. With all the things that have stalled around here, hopefully I can get some movement somewhere.

Gender and Identity

During and after the Epic Journey I went on recently with my adopted sister, Steph 2.0, I had some moments which I would describe as not so much "mindblowing" as they were inducing cognitive dissonance.

I'm still trying to process all this but I will make an effort to explain in a hopefully coherent manner.

In recent time - I'd say over the last month or two, I've noticed that I've been getting looks from people. Sometimes it's just a gaze that lingers long enough for me to become aware of it and others involve actually turning to watch as I go by. Of course, as a trans woman, my mind is always on the alert for being clocked by strangers in the world around me. It's a natural survival instinct.

The first of these moments was outside a liquor store last month. As I walked back to my car, a guy I passed on the sidewalk turned to look as I went by on the sidewalk. The first thing that crossed my mind was, "WTF are you looking at, buddy?" Then, almost immediately afterward, "Oh!" as realization hit me. Somehow, it didn't feel like I had been clocked by him - it was more like he was just staring at a woman walking by, as guys tend to do.

I had thought that I had pretty much settled into and become comfortable with my identity, since beginning this journey back in 2016. The brief delay in thought processes I described in the previous paragraph gives me cause to doubt that notion. Now, I'm not doubting who I am or anything else to do with my transition - I know I'm on the right path at this point in my life. It's just...maybe more of that uncharted territory for me which I may have mentioned in a previous post. I've spent most of my life at varying degrees of being overweight - not anywhere near "morbidly obese" but just enough to invite people to freely ridicule. At this point in my life, I attribute that to just not caring about a body I wasn't supposed to have in the first place. I'm sure you can imagine what that was like in prison...er...I mean, school.

An integral part of the whole experience is very low self-esteem (available FREE at no extra charge!). Dear reader, you've probably seen my pictures and read some of my story and not seen evidence of any self-esteem issues. I can say that yes, most of that has been put behind me but a lifetime trapped in that mindset is not something one can shake off so easily. I'm realizing that it's still there, lurking in the background and still whispering its wordless, noxious melody into my ear. At this stage in my life, I've realized that it's trying to rear its ugly head again.

Since that moment outside the liquor store, I've had a few others similar to it. I've even had a few people tell me up front that they see me as an attractive woman. While I find such high compliments extremely flattering, that voice from out of the darkness is still earnestly trying to make me disbelieve such a notion. Every woman wants to be attractive of course, and I can't say I'm any different. What has me stumbling here is that very same disbelief trying to lever its way to the forefront of my thoughts. I think that is somewhat hampering my progress from the "petulant teenager in the adult body" phase of this second puberty many of us experience. Progress into...what, I wonder? What is the next step? More of that uncharted territory.

One of the things I am still trying to "process" in this regard is something that happened on the night of the Trans Day of Visibility. Steph and I were out attending a gathering of folks from our local T-Network group, celebrating the day. Also there was a guy named "Andre" who was a friend of a friend and came out to a lot of the gatherings with her. He and I had talked a few times before that evening and he seemed like a nice enough guy. He's also one of the people who told me I was attractive. At one point, since the venue we were at was very noisy, I suggested that we all go for a walk in the lakeside park across the street. Steph, Sue, Andre, and I vacated the premises in favor of a quieter setting.

While we walked along the path, Andre gently took my hand - a gesture I wasn't expecting but honestly, not an unwelcome one. This was a first for me - I'd never held hands with a guy before that evening and, with my thoughts all in a jumble, I don't feel like I responded very well - just sort of gripped his hand lightly but not with a whole lot of warmth, if that makes any sense. Like I said, I'm still trying to process this but I feel I have to attribute some of that lack of response to the old low self-esteem, coupled with just a sheer lack of experience in any kind of relationship. I'm at a bit of a loss as to how I should approach such a situation in the future and that bothers me because I feel like there will be more in the days and years to come.

I tried to talk to a couple of my friends about the issue as a whole and one of them acted like she was slightly annoyed and the other just couldn't be bothered to actually listen to what I was saying. Needless to say, it was a bit frustrating and leaves me in that state I can only describe as being "simultaneously angry and sad" - a state I never experienced before and I guess is another one of those "welcome to being a woman" things.

While I appreciate that so many other things to do with this relatively new life I'm living will just take time to sort out, I feel very much "out of my element" with this stuff. First and foremost, I don't want anyone to be hurt, particularly myself but I feel like I still have so much to learn about myself and just people in general.

Sunday Morning

This past Sunday, I was conversing with my Big Sis, Steph, and the conversation worked its way around to cooking. I had just finished cooking and eating breakfast and was sitting on the couch, drinking coffee and listening to some soft music. Steph was in Christine (The name we gave her trailer), cooking breakfast. She mentioned how she loved gas stoves. I replied back, saying that I wish I had one, and that I hate those stupid electric coil burners. She said jokingly, "All you have to do is get a trailer."

I was completely blindsided by what festering mass came bubbling to the surface of my consciousness. That statement had touched a nerve, completely by accident. Back in a previous life, I and my wife had had plans to buy a trailer and travel around the country, sightseeing and just doing to tourist thing for a while but with the ultimate goal of parking that trailer on our property up north and living in it while our retirement home was being built. That was before I came out to her and declared that I intended to transition and live the rest of my life as a woman...and all that fell apart.

The crushing sense of loss brought on by this memory hit me pretty hard. That and the fact that just recently, I traded in the truck I had bought with the intent of towing that trailer. My therapist said it sounded like I was mourning. The future I had planned to have, changed recently and rather suddenly into what I have now. I'm happier now than I would have been in that alternate reality, but some pain still remains along with those past echoes of a future that was never to be.

Even writing about it a few days later, I still feel a twinge or two.

"I love the person you have become."

A few minutes after recovering from the mini-meltdown I mentioned in my previous post, I thought about what I was doing right there and then. I had mentioned that I had just finished breakfast and was sitting in the living room, drinking my coffee and listening to some soft music. That triggered a memory. I was doing exactly the same thing I had done down at my mom's house back years ago when I would visit.

It occurred to me to text my mom and tell her that...and to just let her know that I was thinking about her.

Then it hit me - another revelation. I had touched upon a happy memory from days past at my mom's house. In one of my previous posts before the meeting my mom for the first time in three years and for the first time ever as her daughter, I had mentioned that I was unable to remember any happy memories in that house.

Well, this got me crying again - not really happy or sad tears but maybe somewhat relieved? Maybe out of all that doom and gloom in the past, there was at least a little bit of positivity - some tiny ray of sunshine through the clouds.

We got to chatting for a while and she sent me a picture of herself after mentioning that she had lost 30 pounds on her recent diet. I said, "Oh, you look beautiful. I'm saving this pic!"

What she said next was positively magical.
Words cannot begin to describe how I felt after this conversation. The tears fell like rain, cleansing my soul, washing away the sadness I had felt just a short time earlier that morning. It yanked me up out of the pit in which I sat and launched my heart into the stratosphere.


I'm really looking forward to going down there for another visit. The fear and apprehension that I felt before is totally gone, replaced with eager anticipation. We were also making plans to go to the Food & Wine festival at Disney later in the year. Last year was extremely stressful on me as I made so many changes in my life. It seems like it was one upheaval after another. This is the year of the new normal, where it seems I'm starting to really enjoy all of those changes and for the first time in my life, am actually looking forward to what the future holds.

Quote from: SassyCassie on April 11, 2018, 08:21:36 PM
"I love the person you have become."This is the year of the new normal, where it seems I'm starting to really enjoy all of those changes and for the first time in my life, am actually looking forward to what the future holds.

❤️

Quote from: SassyCassie on April 11, 2018, 08:21:36 PM
"I love the person you have become."

Wow!!  I am so happy for you, Cassie!

A blast from the past.

A few weeks ago, I was going through my feed on the Book of the Face, and I ran into a post from one of my friends. She goes to a lot of the local LGBT events and usually takes lots of very meticulously-tagged pictures. Well, in one of these pictures, I thought saw a familiar face I had not seen in many years. After checking the names tagged in the photo, I knew for sure who it was, even though the first name was not one they had used before. When I looked at the associated profile, I soon saw that this person had just declared herself as trans and was starting down the path of transition.

My first thought was, "Holy <EXPLETIVE>!"

I was a bit shocked and could scarcely believe what I was seeing, and I'll explain why.

I had known her from way back in the old goth club days. Back then, she had already declared herself as a trans woman and it was on her forum signature that I saw the now-familiar transgender symbol that adorns many of our writings and other media. During my transition, I had thought of her and assumed that she must have transitioned years ago and was now living as her true self, happy and healthy out in in the world.

Such was not the case, it seems.

I sent off a friend request and not long after, we were chatting on Messenger. I soon found out that she had seen my profile and had almost the same reaction as I did just a short time before. Thankfully, we did have a mutual friend, "E", also from those days past. A look at my profile answered her question of, "Who is Cassandra and how does she know "E"? ...Holy <EXPLETIVE>!"

About a week later, we met for lunch and did a little catching up. At one point, I mentioned just how surreal this was, in that I had envisioned us one day having this conversation from completely the opposite direction. I would be the neophyte trans-woman and she would be this dazzling beautiful, confident woman whom I could only one day hope to emulate in my own distant future.

I shared with her some of my story and sent a link to my thread here, to give her and idea of what it's been like from my perspective. I also mentioned a few times in that distant past how jealous I was of her, to have known for certain who she was and going about the world as such.

I wish her all the best of luck and am looking forward to being jealous of her again some day soon!

Full circle.

Since getting reacquainted with my friend "R", whom I mentioned in my previous post, we made plans to go out to a monthly goth/industrial night downtown. The club we were planning to go to is one that has been there for a number of years and was one place I used to go to a lot, back when I was still involved with that scene.

(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/rzvbjfripetbbkk/Aftermath.jpg) "All tarted up"

We both used to "get all tarted up", as we sometimes called it, for going out to nights like this. It's that type of environment in which I have some of the most fond memories. That was a period of my life where I was free to dress how I wanted and relieve some of the pressure under which I had been living my entire life up to that point. We both used to "get all tarted up", as we sometimes called it, for going out to nights like this. It's that type of environment in which I have some of the most fond memories. That was a period of my life where I was free to dress how I wanted and relieve some of the pressure under which I had been living my entire life up to that point. In spite of that, I was still wearing the mask back then. She lives downtown, so I went to her place to get ready. An hour later, hair done, makeup done, and dressed to kill, we were on our way down the street. I remarked to her how good she looked that night, totally gothed out and that in comparison, I was going to look like some lady who wandered in from one of the other, more mainstream clubs down the road. We had a laugh at that as we walked down the street, shivering slightly as the cold breeze swirled around our legs and up our skirts. She quickened her pace briefly until I asked to slow down, being unable to keep up with my shorter legs and wearing my "sassy shoes".

---

A few blocks later, we arrived at the club and showed our ID at the door. Again, I was outing myself but for a night like this, the doorman didn't even blink.

Passing through that entrance was like walking into another world. A strangely familiar world I was seeing with new eyes, for the first time. Vaguely-familiar music pounded out from speakers mounted on the wall.

A sea of black-clad people stood before us, some feigning indifference to our entrance, others letting their gaze linger on us momentarily, simultaneously taking in and judging clothes, hair, makeup, and faces, as goths are wont to do - all in a split second to determine our worthiness to be in that crowd. The looks we got and returned in kind, assured us that our visual credentials held as we made our way past the bar. In the corner, we saw a familiar face. "J", being taller than the average club patron that evening, was easy to spot, like a trench-coated lighthouse in that sea of black. He is also someone I knew from years back. We went up to say hello to "J" and he introduced us to someone whose face triggered a dusty old memory in my brain but I couldn't quite recall.

"Hi, I'm Cassandra," I said as I offered my hand which he took. A puzzled look came across his face.
"I ran the Coven list, but back then I used to be called 'Ferret'." At that, recognition dawned upon him and he smiled.
"Excuse us," I said as "R" turned to go deeper into the club where the dance floor and the back bar could be found. We snaked our way through the crowd and found a pair of stools near the end of the bar. Once we had our drinks, we turned and surveyed the main room. About a half-dozen people were out on the dance floor, moving to a song I had never heard before.

Someone approached from our left and it turned out to be yet another familiar face from the old days. "A" stood before us. He apparently had already heard about me (word travels fast in a community as tight-knit as ours once was) and had come over to visit. We hugged and chatted for a few minutes. He offered me one of his cloves, which I gratefully accepted even though I had not had one in at least six weeks. "A" lit it for me after borrowing a lighter from the bartender. We talked for a little while longer after "R", hearing a song she liked, asked me to guard her purse as she went out to dance. "A" told me about his plans to move to Colorado for a fresh start, having recently had a long-term relationship fall apart - what a familiar story that's becoming.

"R" was still out on the dance floor as "A" and I said our goodbyes. We hugged again and he said, "You look beautiful." I was most likely blushing but no one could have noticed in that darkened room. "Now, look that way," he said, pointing out toward the dance floor. I turned my head and he gently planted a kiss on my cheek. I turned back to face him with a huge smile on my face and he smiled back. Then, he turned and walked back into the crowd.

Now, I had always regarded him as maybe a little bit full of himself all those years ago, but that night, he was so unbelievably charming. Maybe it's my different perspective on the world around me, maybe he's also grown and matured as a person. I can't really say but during that brief encounter, I really felt treated like a lady which, like so many other things recently, just felt so "right".

Shortly thereafter, "R" returned and reclaimed custody of her purse. I got another drink and stood to walk back out to the front room where another familiar face, "L" was there in the little group of folks from the old days. "L" was someone I hadn't seen in at least 10 or 12 years. She said she had seen us come in and called to us but we couldn't hear over the music.

"Wow, you look great!" she exclaimed. "You look so happy!"

"Oh, I am. A thousand times happier than before."

"I can tell! The way you smile and...everything!"

"Let's go outside where it's a little quieter," I said, motioning toward the small fenced-in area just outside the glass doors.

We stepped out there into the slightly less noisy yet much colder outside where some of the other club patrons stood, talking while studiously avoiding eye contact with any of the multitude of panhandlers who stood outside the fence trying to entice "donations" from the people within.

I told "L" the abbreviated version of my story and how I had chanced upon "R"'s coming-out picture and subsequent post, and how surreal that whole situation was. I also mentioned my ongoing name-change woes which, hopefully, should be coming to an end soon. We talked for a while and hugged each other goodbye and went back inside.

"R" was there, about to make another run to the back bar, so I followed. Mid-way past the dance floor, some random "dude-bro" collided with my left breast. He looked like the type who obviously were just there to ogle the "hot goth chicks", which is fairly common in that environment.

At that collision, something happened. I won't say that something in me snapped but it was more like a phonograph needle being lifted up out of a skipping track and over to the next song. The "song" that played was an old familiar one that had seen me through this kind of environment before, years ago. I straightened up and stood taller while my hips finally loosened up and my gait flowed into this smooth confident glide as I continued on my way. I looked around, making eye contact with any who looked my way, almost daring them to say something or to try and violate my personal space. It was back. After all these years. This time though, it had a very special edge to it. This aura was radiating out from a tall, beautiful woman striding confidently through the crowd. I was back in my element and, most importantly, I had found my fierceness.

With a fresh drink in hand, I found a place to sit by the window and took a picture to share with friends.

(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/tnbiznga30ex6mk/At_The_Club.jpg)

As time went on, we got close to last call. I had thought that if I didn't get out there and dance at least one time, I was going to have a regret. I'm done with regrets.

Something unfamiliar but definitely danceable came on the sound system and I stepped out onto the dance floor, for the first time in over a decade. All that time, I had had no reason to dance. Now, I do. Oh, do I have a reason to dance!

What goths term as "dancing" is not something easily quantifiable into a certain set of steps or moves. Often, it's more of a graceful flowing with the music, letting the sound move you in whatever way seems right. There I stood, in the center of the dance floor, moving and swaying sinuously with the beat of the music, arms and hands tracing complex patterns through the air. All self-consciousness was forgotten. All worries put aside. I was there. Just there, in the moment, doing something I had longed to do for all these years but could never muster the courage. I fear I am doing the moment an injustice by trying to describe it with mere words.

I had come full circle, after all those years but, this time around, the person, the woman out there on that dance floor, was me. Truly me, for the first time ever in my life, complete in every way that mattered for that moment. I've known her all my life but now I can finally share her wisdom, love, and charming wit with the rest of the world.

She's the joy that had been missing from my life, after all these years. She is me. I am her.

What a beautiful experience for you, Cassie. It really warms my heart to see people finding an inner happiness that has been missing for so many years. You deserve all the happiness you get. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. You are a beacon of hope for those of us yet to find this inner contentment.

I don't know anything about the goth scene, but from the photos you posted, you are rocking it!

Jayne

Quote from: Jayne01 on April 19, 2018, 03:26:51 AM
You deserve all the happiness you get.

Thank you for that, Jayne. I honestly didn't ever imagine I'd be having all of these wonderful experiences, back when I started on this journey. With the last vestiges of my former, fatalistic outlook on life, I had assumed that the best I could hope for was to be fairly passable and at least able to survive. We hear so many horror stories about other trans folks' experiences while trying to just go about their lives. It's no wonder that most of us are terrified at the prospect of taking that first, momentous step.

Yet for a long time, I avoided exposing myself to other trans peoples' stories almost instinctively because of that same assumption - that I'd never be able to get to where they are and that would induce an almost-crippling sadness and despair. The feelings of disbelief are fading, fortunately. No longer am I mystified or doubtful that I am where I am now. Now, the most powerful feeling is a sense of wonder at just how beautiful the world around me has become.

Now, the sadness I feel at reading other peoples' stories is seeing just how difficult a time they are having, integrating their authentic selves into the world and the lives of the people around them.

Quote from: Jayne01 on April 19, 2018, 03:26:51 AM
You are a beacon of hope for those of us yet to find this inner contentment.

I keep sharing these stories, hoping that it will help someone who, at some point, is trying to work their way through some of the same experiences and doubts as I have had.

Part of what I do professionally involves helping to make people's jobs easier. If I can also help make someone's life easier...well, that's important to me too.

Quote from: Jayne01 on April 19, 2018, 03:26:51 AM
I don't know anything about the goth scene, but from the photos you posted, you are rocking it!

Oh, that period in my life, in addition to probably saving my life, taught me many things. I learned how to put together an outfit, how to do my makeup carefully without making it too "over the top". That is, unless that's how I wanted it.

There is also one thing that probably had the greatest impact on the level of confidence you've seen from me now. My friend, "R", put it very well and in a way that had never occurred to me. I'm paraphrasing but this is the crucial point:

"When you're weird, you get used to people yelling things at you and calling you names."

We had steeled ourselves against this over time and no one was going to make us stop because we knew who we were and no one had the power to take that away from us.

That is the feeling that came flooding back to me in the club that night. That combined with the fact that I was finally fully expressing my true self - a loving, feeling, compassionate woman - well, it was powerful beyond words.

Judge not, lest ye be a stone's throw from making assumptions in glass houses.

I've heard of a tendency for folks in the trans community to sometimes be excessively judgmental of each other, for a variety of reasons. Of course, not everyone does this but I'll freely admit to having had to fight that tendency from time to time as well. I try not to be catty, as we had plenty of that going around in the goth scene.

I could be way off-base here, but this is something I've been pondering for a while now.

On many occasions I've used the phrase, "We are our own worst critic" because well, dysphoria is a harsh mistress indeed. Early on, it has us criticizing so many aspects of ourselves on an almost routine basis. As time goes by and we get more comfortable with ourselves, it gets better but at first, it can be pretty rough - almost crippling at times.

I wonder if that judgemental nature is ingrained in us to a degree because of that whole process and unconsciously rears its ugly head from time to time during interactions with other trans folks.

Just thinking out loud, I guess.

Internal transphobia? Dunno.

I know that I tend to seek external validation far too much, since I'm so rarely happy with myself. I suspect we're all subject to that in some degree, which is why I've made it a point to compliment those around me. It never hurts, and almost always helps, to hear an encouraging word.

I did used to be critical of everyone, but, I suspect because of my changing thought processes due to HRT, I've realized more empathy with those who are struggling, and try to make a special effort to be kind.

That applies to myself, also. I've got a long way to go in that respect, but I'm getting better.


- Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 21, 2018, 11:08:58 AM
I know that I tend to seek external validation far too much, since I'm so rarely happy with myself. I suspect we're all subject to that in some degree, which is why I've made it a point to compliment those around me. It never hurts, and almost always helps, to hear an encouraging word.

Very true. Sometimes, a compliment or even just a few kind words can make the difference between someone having a good or bad day. You never know. Simply engaging in a friendly conversation can help make a "blah" day just a bit better.

I learned a lot about that during our brief time in Phoenix and watching how Tia interacted with the people around us, getting them to open up and smile and laugh. She has an amazing talent at a level which I can only hope to come close to some day, though I have been working on it when the opportunity presents itself. I do have to admit that I derive a bit of...I don't know, pleasure? Satisfaction, maybe? Whatever you call it, it makes me feel warm inside to know I've touched someone's life in a positive way.

Well Cassie, I am glad that you took notes. It appears that you did far more than that and are practicing like a master, your kind words have given joy to this old lady's heart, even Deb shed a tear to hear you speak of her love that way. Thank you sister.

Tia Anne

Quote from: Anne Blake on April 22, 2018, 09:46:48 PM
Well Cassie, I am glad that you took notes. It appears that you did far more than that and are practicing like a master, your kind words have given joy to this old lady's heart, even Deb shed a tear to hear you speak of her love that way. Thank you sister.

That's why Steph and I were bewildered that you were having such a rough time after that trip. You were so confident and well put-together that you made it look easy for the rest of us who were aspiring to reach your level some day. I do understand the ebb and flow of emotions as well as any woman, so I get how the pendulum can swing back the other way for a while, especially after such a positive occasion we all shared that week.

I want you to know that you are a significant part of the fondest memories I have from that trip - memories that will forever occupy a special place in my heart.

Thank you for all you do, just by being you!

There's little I can add to that other than a short story. Cassie and I were out to dinner, and I initiated a conversation with our waitress about the cars we were all driving. We talked and bantered for the better part of a half hour. When we finally left, I told Cassie what I'd been doing: channeling Tia Anne.

You're an inspiration, my dear...

Stephanie

Golly, you make an old woman blush!

So, when do we get together again for the next wild adventure?

Tia Anne

Quote from: Anne Blake on April 23, 2018, 02:44:47 PM
Golly, you make an old woman blush!

So, when do we get together again for the next wild adventure?

Tia Anne

I need another lesson from the expert in feminine social interaction. How soon can you make it to Florida? We have a guest room...

Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 23, 2018, 06:42:01 PM
I need another lesson from the expert in feminine social interaction. How soon can you make it to Florida? We have a guest room...

Stephanie

  Party at (S)((te)((ph)a)n)ie'(s) (!!!!)

  Featuring a freshly cleaned off refrigerator top.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Anne Blake on April 23, 2018, 02:44:47 PM
So, when do we get together again for the next wild adventure?

That is a very good question. One to which I have no answer at the moment. However, if you should find your way down to North America's southern regions and would like to visit the cultural mecca that is northern Lake County, well I've got a big empty house with plenty of space.

Steph and I would love to have you visit some time!

How cool would it be if we could all get together again, sort of like we did in Phoenix? Maybe not here but somewhere...meaningful.

Well, as you can see by my new avatar, I do have a new toy that needs some breaking in. Perhaps a ride down to Florida might do the trick, maybe later this summer. By the way, her name is Sweet Rose.

Quote from: Anne Blake on April 23, 2018, 09:09:41 PM
Well, as you can see by my new avatar, I do have a new toy that needs some breaking in. Perhaps a ride down to Florida might do the trick, maybe later this summer. By the way, her name is Sweet Rose.

Steph and I would be thrilled to have a visit from you two lovely ladies!

A Sweet Rose by any other name would have just as mellow tone to her exhaust. (Sorry, I had to. I'll stop now)

No problems, you don't have to stop.....she does sound kind of pretty until I get her going....

I'm pretty sure i read somewhere the other day which app you were using for your journal entries but I cant seem to find it again. Help me out ;)

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk

Quote from: cluck1992 on April 29, 2018, 06:38:36 PM
I'm pretty sure i read somewhere the other day which app you were using for your journal entries but I cant seem to find it again. Help me out ;)

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk

  Hi  Cluck1992,

  I'm Laurie, I see that you are new here. So please let me say, Welcome To Susan's Place! Come on in and take a good look around.  Perhaps I can even get you to hop on over to the Introductions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) Thread and  create a post to tell us a little bit more about yourself so we can get to know you a little better and greet you properly. I'll add some links and information below that can help you get more out of our site. Please take time to become familiar with them especially the RED one as we are always getting questions that are answered there.
 
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Quote from: cluck1992 on April 29, 2018, 06:38:36 PM
I'm pretty sure i read somewhere the other day which app you were using for your journal entries but I cant seem to find it again. Help me out ;)

Hi Cluck,

Welcome to the forum!

To answer your question, the name of the app I use is "Journey". I use it both from an Android tablet as well as various Windows-based machines, although it does have equal support on the Apple OS side as well.

Getting out of that rut (and back into the groove)

The club I went to on Friday night was ground-zero for another one of those affirming moments. I wasn't in a state to enjoy it though.

This past Friday, right after work I went straight to my friend "R"'s place downtown. We walked down to a nearby restaurant to have dinner. It was a lovely evening - a touch on the warm side, though still tolerable in spite of being a grim harbinger of the summer heat sure to be upon us soon enough. We sat outside, accompanied by her enormous yet very well-behaved canine companion. After dinner and a short walk back to her place, we started making our preparations for the evening. After much primping and chitchat about makeup and relationships (and a "hey, can you zip my dress and do up the buttons at the neck, please?), we were looking fierce and fabulous as we hit the streets.

About four city blocks and one energy drink later, we arrived at the venue. I showed my still dead-named ID at the door (and again felt the twinge of dysphoria at the fringes of my consciousness). This scene has a lot of gender-fluid folks in it so I wasn't worried and the doorman didn't cast me a second glance before applying the "over 21" band to my wrist. I had never been to this particular establishment before, but "R" had promised me that it was dark and murky inside and I was not disappointed. It was rather dark in there, lit only by the stage and dancefloor lights - perfect for the type of atmosphere needed for a night like this.

A lot of the music being played was much newer than we old farts were used to. There were a couple of songs that were played but I wasn't quite in the right frame of mind to do anything but sit and nurse my drink. A photographer was going around the room, taking pictures of some of the club-goers - presumably for promo shots for the night. From the look of it, he was mainly photographing what could be called "eye candy" around the room, of which there was quite a lot that evening - folks dressed to the nines and looking fabulous. With a look that seemed to be asking permission, which he got, he snapped a picture of "R" who, I must say, was looking fantastic. I smiled at that and wondered where he would go next to seek out more of that eye candy. Then, he turned to me with his camera half-raised and the same querying look.

Wait, what? Me? Seriously?
In days past, not on your life! Now... Oh yeah! Draw me like one of your French girls! Er...um...take my picture like you did of...ah...that girl from Tampa over there.

(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/73zkcpa8hegphmu/ClubNite.jpg)

A drink or two later, a familiar song started playing and I had no choice - I had to dance. Oh did I ever! The wedge heels I had on were just about perfect for the way I was dancing. I slid around the floor, alternately bouncing around and moving sinuously to the music, spinning this way and that. The way my skirt flared out when I spun on the dancefloor was a new and rather exhilarating feeling in such a short dress.

The freedome I experienced made me feel so alive at that moment and so content. This is who I was supposed to be. This is what has been missing from my entire life!

Too soon, the song ended and the music once again devolved into unfamiliarity, so I returned to my perch. Only then did I realize just how out of breath I was. It was a good feeling though.

The night went on and another danceable song came on. "R" looked at me expectantly and I tentatively headed out on the floor with her. The feelings were even more intense and I realized that (thankfully) the rest of the dance floor crowd were giving me a fairly wide berth. I felt like I was dancing more energetically than ever before but wondered briefly if outside observers only saw a woman drunkenly flailing about, bordering on being "a danger to herself and others". Either way, all good!

As the time got close to "last call", I went up to the bar to close out my tab. After signing on the dotted line and retrieving my credit card, I walked back past the dance floor to find "R" and see if she was ready to go. That was when a flying elbow caught me above my right eye, just forward of my temple. Stunned momentarily with my glasses knocked askew, I turned to see the owner of the elbow still flailing about in his own little world, completely oblivious to what had just happened. To avoid any further collisions, I retreated to a nearby stool so I could sit down and compose myself. As I sat there having realized there was no injury other than a sore spot by my eye, I glared at the guy who had hit me - with all sorts of malevolent thoughts coursing through my head. Dark, violent thoughts that I hadn't felt in such a long time. I forced myself to stay rooted to the spot, trying to keep in mind that I don't need anything that was going to interfere with my upcoming name change hearing. Still, the fact that such thoughts were coming up at all had me pretty freaked out.

I turned to go back to the ladies room and check myself in the mirror and spied "R" in the back of the place, talking to someone I had never seen before. Once I had seen there was no visible injury, I walked over to where she was, waved a hand in front of my neck, and mouthed the words, "I'm done", with a thumb pointing toward the exit. She nodded and I turned to leave.

Once outside in the fresh air, I sat down off to the side of the club entrance to wait for "R". A guy I didn't know sat down next to me and started chatting with me. He was a handsome man with short neat dreadlocks, presumably of African heritage - maybe West Indies I'm guessing.

He said, "You look very pretty."

"Thank you," I replied, barely containing just how distraught I was at that moment.

He seemed to read that quite a different way and asked, "You nervous?"

I held my hands up a few feet apart and with seeming obvious distress in my voice said, "I'm at, like, opposite ends of the spectrum right now"

"What are you doing after this tonight? You want to go hang out?"

"Oh no, I'm waiting for my friend to come out and we're going back to her place."

"Oh. Have you been drinking? You're not gonna drive home are you?"

"No, she lives right here downtown. We're just going to walk back to her place."

"Okay, so you don't want to hang out?"

"Not really. I'm sorry." I had a slightly pained expression on my face.

I have no idea how the rest of that evening might have turned out and I'm a little disappointed that I had had that supremely affirming moment pre-destroyed by earlier events.

As it was, "R" came out shortly afterward and I related my experiences to her as we walked back to her place, as well as my distress at the thoughts which came forth earlier. I was pretty proud of myself that I thought rationally about the potential consequences before doing something rash and possibly permanent which is what my former self may well have done.

As we passed by one of the many homeless people on the sidewalk, he tossed a comment at our back, "This is why we have sex slavery..." I just ignored him but "R" threw a middle finger in his direction - as is customary in the big city, I'm guessing.

By the time I got home and ready for bed, the sky was beginning to lighten in the east. I laid my head on the pillow, feeling affirmed, exhausted, fulfilled, and loving the new life I of which I was sure to be just starting to scratch the surface.

  Hi Cassie,

  What a shame that guy had to ruin your evening. I mean wow having your picture taken for promoting the eye candy the frequents the place and then to be hit upon while you weren't at your best. Wow just wow. I am proud of you for not retaliating though. That guy probably would not have had a clue what happen to him or why had you some something you would surely regret. Beside it wouldn't have been very lady like and you my dear are a lady. You must change with the new figure. Body and soul, you are now the lady you want to be. You must act like it. (now if you really have to... girls kick guys who need it in the balls and run)

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on April 30, 2018, 09:54:52 PM
   What a shame that guy had to ruin your evening. I mean wow having your picture taken for promoting the eye candy the frequents the place and then to be hit upon while you weren't at your best. Wow just wow. I am proud of you for not retaliating though. That guy probably would not have had a clue what happen to him or why had you some something you would surely regret. Beside it wouldn't have been very lady like and you my dear are a lady. You must change with the new figure. Body and soul, you are now the lady you want to be. You must act like it. (now if you really have to... girls kick guys who need it in the balls and run)

What this evening made me realize is that as I spend more time out in the world, these encounters may become more commonplace. Well, maybe not the bit about getting hit in the face but the attention drawn by my appearance. I'm thinking it will take a while to get accustomed to that. I just hope the ravages of time can show a little kindness until then.

With all of the changes I've experienced, one of the most welcome is the diminishment of the impulsivity which has oftentimes overridden any rational thought processes in days past...and gotten me into some trouble over the years. Had my previous self been in that situation, I have little doubt that that impulsivity would have taken over and probably made a horrible mess of things. Even still, the thoughts that called their siren song in my consciousness that night, still haunt me when I think about that night. I had thought about how easy it would have been to walk up to him in the darkness and deliver an open-palm strike to the underside of his nose, hoping that it would be a fatal blow. Just the fact that this idea and others were dancing merrily through my head had me extremely freaked out. I forced myself to stay rooted to the spot until there was an avenue to exit without coming anywhere close to possible contact with him. Even still, I found myself sitting there, glaring at him in much the same way a predator eyes its prey, calmly, coldly deciding the best way to render it helpless. It was only a few minutes but stretched on into infinity as I forced myself to remain sitting there. I saw a way out in a trip to the ladies room which was the exact opposite direction. That's what broke the loop and helped me return to...me.

This is the type of thing that has me so sensitive to and so terrified at any signs of a return to that other person. I don't want to go back to that. I've been trying so hard to be a better person and to live up to the potential I know is there, deep inside.

I'm sorry if this post seems to have taken a turn down a darkened alley but that's the reason I was unable to really appreciate those affirming moments I had that evening.

Though I seem to have rediscovered the solace I found in the dark, I still want so badly to walk in the light. For the first time in my life, I am and I don't want to lose that. I really don't think I will but that concern is ever-present. With my friends beside me to guide me, both local like Steph and many others as well as those not so local such as you, Laurie, along with Tia, Kendra, Denise, and everyone else I've connected with on here, I have no doubts.

Summer is coming!

Got some new sunglasses - a bit more my style.
(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/nteuaxzwvnydf8k/IGottaWearShades.jpg)
The future's so bright!

It's time to put away the long sleeves and break out the bathing suits. Another summer will soon be upon us, as we cluster around bodies of water, be they natural or artificial, in a vain attempt to keep cool while the sun beats down upon us.

Clothed in multicolored yet tasteful armor and armed with pool noodle, I'm ready to take on anything the summer has to throw at me. Except maybe hurricanes. I'll have to put my hair up for that.

(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/vl7nnn33fdt5891/SummerIsComing.jpg)

Quote from: SassyCassie on May 01, 2018, 07:37:36 PMThough I seem to have rediscovered the solace I found in the dark, I still want so badly to walk in the light. For the first time in my life, I am and I don't want to lose that. I really don't think I will but that concern is ever-present. With my friends beside me to guide me, both local like Steph and many others as well as those not so local such as you, Laurie, along with Tia, Kendra, Denise, and everyone else I've connected with on here, I have no doubts.

Good. You can not and you will not lose that. The light is shining on us both. You straightened me out the other day (yes, I'll be writing about that on my thread) and I have and will continue to keep the shadows away from you. Everyone else here will help when necessary. Despite those occasional dark thoughts, you are a so much better person than you used to be, and they no longer have the power to make you act.

Put such bad memories behind and let the good ones reinforce your new kind, calm nature. You're getting better all the time.


- Stephanie

Cassie, you found yourself in a situation where the old you would have had those same dark thoughts and probably acted on them with the associated consequences afterwards. Instead, the new, current you, had those thoughts and recognised that acting upon them would have consequences and regrets. The action you took was to do nothing, allow your mind to calm down and make a graceful exit. To me that sounds like you found a way to conquer the beast that previously conquered you.

You have taken on the task of changing your life for the better. You are doing that, very successfully I might add. It's possible that some of these dark thoughts may return to you when placed in an unfavourable situation, but you can handle it.

Jayne

Quote from: Jayne01 on May 01, 2018, 10:27:39 PM
You have taken on the task of changing your life for the better. You are doing that, very successfully I might add. It's possible that some of these dark thoughts may return to you when placed in an unfavourable situation, but you can handle it.

I suppose that will never go away completely as it's something that has become inextricably linked to my core. At least it doesn't have much of a voice anymore.

I've been so happy to leave behind me the old simmering frustration and anger at life in general which pretty much was my life up until recently. So happy in fact, that I seem to have this underlying fear that someone will notice that happiness and try to take it away from me - as silly as that sounds. Maybe it's similar to an addict in recovery who is deathly afraid of having a relapse into the old, easy ways. I can't speak with authority on that, however, since unlike so many other trans folks, I never went down the path of addiction - well, substance abuse at least.

Steph has told me a couple of times to stop looking in the rear-view mirror with so much that's ahead of me. I wonder if I do keep glancing in that mirror because I'm afraid I'll see something chasing me.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 01, 2018, 08:43:49 PM
Despite those occasional dark thoughts, you are a so much better person than you used to be, and they no longer have the power to make you act.

Put such bad memories behind and let the good ones reinforce your new kind, calm nature. You're getting better all the time.

Steph, thank you for this. It makes me want to cry every time I read it!

In Loving Memory

Today was a sad day.

Patches, my 17-year-old calico kitty - my Little Old Lady, died some time last night.
I found her laying on the floor in the upstairs bathroom. Not moving. Not breathing. She was cold by the time I found her.

(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/owr66gryjfwm6dz/LittleOldLady.jpg)

Stunned into disbelief, I sat on the edge of the bathtub for almost a full minute before the tears started to flow. I had to get out of there. Once the initial flood started to subside, I texted Steph to see if she was up and about. She said she was and asked if I wanted privacy. I said yes and she said it might be a problem.

"Fine then, invite the whole studio audience", I snapped, nerves still raw from the sting of tragedy.

After a brief video chat and much production of salt-water, Steph was going to come up and help me with Patches, plus give me a shoulder to cry on. I decided to just try and relax for a while in the interim.

Once Steph arrived, we got down to the task at hand. I picked out a spot alongside the house and we dug a hole, deep enough so critters wouldn't cause a problem. I know what some folks might be thinking about us handling it this way but I really prefer this method when I lose a beloved pet, rather than the sterile, impersonal method preferred by vet's offices.

With tears running down my cheeks, I laid my baby girl's towel-wrapped body in the hole and stood silently for a minute. All I could manage was, "Goodbye, little girl. I'll miss you terribly." I laid my head against Steph and we were both wracked with sobs for the next few minutes until I finally said, "Okay, let's finish."

We filled in the hole and then walked wearily back around to the garage and put away the shovels.

I'm so thankful to Stephanie for being there with me today. Having her there with me was such a comfort to me.

By our very nature, we are not solitary creatures. We need each other. It just took me almost half a century to figure that out and start living properly. This is one of those moments when togetherness makes such a difference.

I'm rambling a bit now because it is pretty late.

This is another one of those dates I'll remember forever. Since deciding to transition, I've experienced almost the full range of emotions - happiness, humor, love, and to a lesser degree, sadness. Until today, I had not experienced tragedy or loss. Well, I had not truly experienced it. With the new sensitivity to all things emotional, I expected this type of event to be an almost crippling blow. It was not, however. With my dear friend by my side, it did hurt but it wasn't the mortal wound to my soul that I had feared. Steph had helped keep me grounded and centered, more or less - more so than if I had been alone, for sure.

Sadly, I know that this won't be the last time we experience a loss like this. I can take comfort in the fact that as long as we have someone to lean on from time to time, we can all survive whatever comes our way

Quote from: SassyCassie on May 09, 2018, 10:26:52 PMBy our very nature, we are not solitary creatures. We need each other. It just took me almost half a century to figure that out and start living properly. This is one of those moments when togetherness makes such a difference.

I'm rambling a bit now because it is pretty late.

This is another one of those dates I'll remember forever. Since deciding to transition, I've experienced almost the full range of emotions - happiness, humor, love, and to a lesser degree, sadness. Until today, I had not experienced tragedy or loss. Well, I had not truly experienced it. With the new sensitivity to all things emotional, I expected this type of event to be an almost crippling blow. It was not, however. With my dear friend by my side, it did hurt but it wasn't the mortal wound to my soul that I had feared. Steph had helped keep me grounded and centered, more or less - more so than if I had been alone, for sure.

Sadly, I know that this won't be the last time we experience a loss like this. I can take comfort in the fact that as long as we have someone to lean on from time to time, we can all survive whatever comes our way

It was truly an honor to be called on to help. I've found the way I look at the world now has me forming fewer, but much deeper, more meaningful relationships, instead of the many superficial ones common to my previous existence. Sharing such emotions as we experienced today would have been something I'd run from before. Now, while the experience itself hurts, the feeling of being valuable to a dear friend is worth it all.

Stephanie

   Cassie,

  I am sorry about your kitty Patches. I must say she has lived a long and undoubtedly good life. I can definitely relate to the attachment you and she had for each other. I too prefer to take care of the remains myself. I've been tasked with such jobs since I was a little kid. One of my oldest memories was having to retrieve the remains of one of our cats at the ripe old age of 6 or 7.  Two of our last three cats I drove up into the forested hills miles from home and found secluded pretty area's to lay them to rest. (The apartment complex probably wouldn't like me doing it here.
  But yes, I understand your loss Hun and I too am glad Stephanie was able to be with you to help.

My condolences and a big (((HUG))),
  Laurie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 09, 2018, 11:32:59 PM
It was truly an honor to be called on to help. I've found the way I look at the world now has me forming fewer, but much deeper, more meaningful relationships, instead of the many superficial ones common to my previous existence. Sharing such emotions as we experienced today would have been something I'd run from before. Now, while the experience itself hurts, the feeling of being valuable to a dear friend is worth it all.

I suppose this must be another aspect of "the new normal". It's not so much about being able to finally enjoy life because yesterday was certainly not a day to enjoy. It's more like at long last, having the ability to fully experience life, with all of its ups and downs and joy and tragedy and everything in between.

The difference between the past and the present for me is kind of like our salad bar lunch yesterday. In the past, my plate would have had on it: Iceberg lettuce, onions, bacon, cheese, broccoli, cheddar cheese, and drowned in ranch dressing.

Now, it has mixed greens, spinach, diced cucumber, cherry tomatoes, edamame, peas, carrots, blue cheese, broccoli, black beans, corn, ham, bacon, hard-boiled egg, garbanzo beans, and a light drizzle of raspberry vinaigrette dressing.

Life now has so many more subtle flavors to be experienced. Granted, some of them may be sour or otherwise unpleasant but even then, they all combine to make a much more fulfilling whole that I happily tuck into, day after day.

Quote from: Laurie on May 09, 2018, 11:51:25 PM
  I am sorry about your kitty Patches. I must say she has lived a long and undoubtedly good life. I can definitely relate to the attachment you and she had for each other. I too prefer to take care of the remains myself. I've been tasked with such jobs since I was a little kid. One of my oldest memories was having to retrieve the remains of one of our cats at the ripe old age of 6 or 7.  Two of our last three cats I drove up into the forested hills miles from home and found secluded pretty area's to lay them to rest. (The apartment complex probably wouldn't like me doing it here.
  But yes, I understand your loss Hun and I too am glad Stephanie was able to be with you to help.

My condolences and a big (((HUG))),

Thank you for the hug, Laurie. I appreciate that.

I think it's really sweet of you to find a nice spot in the woods to lay your little friends to rest. I had thought about doing something like that as well, but I'm so afraid of forgetting some day where they are. Granted, I may not live in this house forever but at least I'll always know where it is. Plus, I can plant and tend some lovely wildflowers on the spot.

Beauty will always have a way of tempering sadness.

Over the river and through the woods...

Well, that is to say, mostly down the highway. The approaching weekend holds a special meaning in my life - another sign of things moving forward.

I'm taking another trip down to see my mom. This time around, however, there is no fear, no trepidation, none of the albatross-sized butterflies in my stomach as were there the last time I visited with her. Right now, I have eager anticipation in my heart about the weekend to come.

Where I was afraid to even set foot in her house (where I did much of my growing up), I'm going to be spending the night. My, how things have changed!

I do acknowledge the likelihood that we will have some potentially uncomfortable conversations ahead of us - especially since we will be in a much more private setting than the restaurant where she first got to meet her new daughter. I'm ready and in some cases, eager to have those conversations. However the outcome, I know in my heart now that everything will be okay and that this will be nothing but a net positive for my personal growth.

Though I had fears of a dire outcome the last time I saw her, none of those grim predictions came true. Instead, there seemed to be a shift in the way she viewed me. The effect I desired was to show her just how much of a different person I am but I had actually planned on doing it almost a year after I actually did. The reason for that is that I wanted there to be no mistake in her mind that I am 100% serious about the path I've chosen to finally take in life, and more importantly, finally happy in it.

Though the milestones have become fewer and further apart - as I expected way back that they might, there was a little bit of growing pains and emotional withdrawal symptoms from not having those rapid bursts of happiness at achieving yet another major milestone in my transition and in life in general. The whole "second puberty" seems to be letting up at this point and allowing me to just appreciate everything life has to offer and to walk forward with my head held high and with much less fear than before. This weekend promises to be another big part of that.

Quote from: SassyCassie on May 10, 2018, 05:27:28 AM
I suppose this must be another aspect of "the new normal". It's not so much about being able to finally enjoy life because yesterday was certainly not a day to enjoy. It's more like at long last, having the ability to fully experience life, with all of its ups and downs and joy and tragedy and everything in between.

The difference between the past and the present for me is kind of like our salad bar lunch yesterday. In the past, my plate would have had on it: Iceberg lettuce, onions, bacon, cheese, broccoli, cheddar cheese, and drowned in ranch dressing.

Now, it has mixed greens, spinach, diced cucumber, cherry tomatoes, edamame, peas, carrots, blue cheese, broccoli, black beans, corn, ham, bacon, hard-boiled egg, garbanzo beans, and a light drizzle of raspberry vinaigrette dressing.

Life now has so many more subtle flavors to be experienced. Granted, some of them may be sour or otherwise unpleasant but even then, they all combine to make a much more fulfilling whole that I happily tuck into, day after day.

It's wonderful also that we now have the ability to open up and truly appreciate humor and irony, such as tucking into that sinfully calorific dessert yesterday. I despised every heavenly spoonful.


- Stephanie

Cassie, I am sorry about the loss of Patches. After 17 years you must have had a very close bond with her. I imagine she had a wonderful life with you.

I am so glad things with your mother did not turn out the way you previously expected them to. I hope you have some really good mother-daughter moments and strengthen your relationship when you go for your sleep over. How can she be anything but proud of the woman you have become.

(((HUG)))

Jayne

Cassie,

I am just now catching up with your thread.  I am so sorry to learn that you lost your feline companion.  I'm a canine person, myself, but I know first hand the connections we make with our non-human family members and the pain that comes with their departure from our lives.

(((hugs))),
Stevi

Quote from: Jayne01 on May 10, 2018, 10:36:23 PM
Cassie, I am sorry about the loss of Patches. After 17 years you must have had a very close bond with her. I imagine she had a wonderful life with you.

I am so glad things with your mother did not turn out the way you previously expected them to. I hope you have some really good mother-daughter moments and strengthen your relationship when you go for your sleep over. How can she be anything but proud of the woman you have become.

Thanks, Jayne. Patches had been with me through both times when life got rough over the years. It was hard to say goodbye but...when we adopt a little friend into our lives, we always do so knowing this day will come.

As for the trip to see my mom, well...

Good news coming soon. :)

Hugs!

The in-laws.

As many of you know, I lost one of my fur babies early last week. Later in the week, I found out (via Facebook, of all places) that my sister-in-law passed away. It was a post my wife made (from whom I've been separated almost a year).

My sister-in-law, "D" is my wife's brother's wife. She had been diagnosed with cancer a few years ago and was declared free of it after a series of chemo treatments. Well, several months ago, it came back - with a vengeance and was determined not treatable. I had mentioned to my wife that I had been thinking about going to visit her in the hospital but was advised that she was out of the hospital and back at home and a visit there might not be such a good idea, but a card would be nice - something funny.

I did ask if her side of the family knew about me and she said yes they do. "D" had seen some of my pictures on Facebook and had said about me, "She seems happy."

I sent the card off the day before I lost Patches, though now I have no idea if "D" ever got it. I hadn't spent a whole lot of time with her over the years, but I liked her and I'm going to miss her.

For someone starting to enjoy life in "the new normal", it's been unusually stressful lately. A lot of things happening and a lot of things to do. Pour in a generous helping of sleep deprivation and it makes for some ugly meltdowns. Thankfully, those didn't hit until this past week.

"I'm sick of this 19th-century crap"

As an aside, and an additional stressor, as of this coming Tuesday, it will have been four weeks since filing my petition for name change with the local court. So far, I've been checking the mailbox every day and have gotten absolutely nothing from them. I've been hoping for some actual good news for a change but nothing comes other than exhortations to buy a new car (no thanks, I'm good) or to sign up for satellite TV (I don't care what you say, it DOES lose signal in the rain) or just how great and wonderful Xfinity is (Yeah, I know it's you, Comcast. You suck. Nice try, though).

I spoke to my attorney yesterday and all he knows thus far is which judge will preside over my hearing. Nothing else so far.

The day I filed the paperwork with the clerk of the court, I had to make two trips there because of two reasons and two reasons alone. There were two additional forms that needed to be filled out to attach to my petition. One of which, they had plenty and gave me one to fill out and sign. Great! Done and done. The other one, I was told I had to print out on my own, check a single box on it, and sign it before submitting with my paperwork. As a matter of policy, they didn't have any of this one and everyone is required to print their own. Honestly, I would not have been surprised at all if they asked me if I had a "Twenty-seven-B-stroke-six". At least then, I would have seen that truly the process is one huge practical joke and could have had a laugh about it.

Steph and I were texting back and forth during the whole process and she was giving me some much-needed support. After that, I told her that "I'm sick of this 19th-century crap". The archaic bureaucratic system we have here in this county (and many others, I'm sure) seems to serve only to preserve the power of an entire lineage of "Boss Hogg" types.

To find the elevator I sought, I had to walk past the section of the building where the courtrooms were. In there, I saw all of the old familiar pictures lining the wall, of an entire history of those "Boss Hogg" types. They were hung about a dozen feet above the floor, every last one of them glaring down upon the peasantry below with the dourest of expressions on their faces. Not a single smile was to be found in that place, neither living nor deceased.

The building actually has two wings to it (as does any bird of prey), one of which held the office where I needed to start my ink-and-tear-soaked odyssey. Being in a courthouse in and of itself was stressful enough. Having to roam around the building and dealing with a system I had hoped I was long ago done with, was another thing entirely.

After that, I went across the street to the Sheriff's office to get fingerprinted for my background check. That actually went pretty smoothly which came as a bit of a surprise to me.

Afterward, a quick run back home to fire up the laser printer (which they apparently lacked at the courthouse) and print my final offering to the fickle gods of bureaucracy. Oh and they also seem to have had a shortage of envelopes and stamps because I had to provide my own self-addressed, stamped envelope to receive notice of whatever boon the court chose to bestow upon this humble petitioner - you know, the same process for ordering X-ray specs from the back of a comic book back in my childhood. It also didn't help that the receptionist at the clerk's office greeted me with a wide smile and said, "Hey, <DEADNAME> is back!" In my mind, I thought, "Not for much longer, lady".

The day ended on a high note, however. I was able to join Steph at her favorite trivia venue where the team that took second place (and came away with a $15 gift card) was none other than Galaxy Girl and The Electric Diva!

Cassi,

Glad to see you back.  Missed you.  So sorry for your loss of your sister-in-law.  Another reminder that living needs to be done today.  Not yesterday.  Not tomorrow.  Today!

I feel a bit unworthy of my progress.  I have not had any issues (knock on wood) with my paperwork for my name change and birth certificate.  In this day and age, so many still have problems.  Some of it is the anti-trans attitudes we run into, but so much is just plain bureaucratic fiefdom-y or general incompetence.  Sorry you seem to be getting your share and some of my share of both.

I do hope things stop being so tough you.  You deserve a break,

Stevi

Quote from: Stevi on May 19, 2018, 01:38:14 PM
Glad to see you back.  Missed you.  So sorry for your loss of your sister-in-law.  Another reminder that living needs to be done today.  Not yesterday.  Not tomorrow.  Today!

Thanks, Stevi. It's beeen a rough couple of weeks, punctuated by a couple of meltdowns, mostly due to a combination of work issues and lack of proper rest. I've decided to take today off entirely. I spent the day napping, binge-watching Season 1 of Preacher, and just generally being domestic - all the while having one or more fur babies in close proximity. I think they're happy to have me around for a change.

Quote from: Stevi on May 19, 2018, 01:38:14 PM
I feel a bit unworthy of my progress.  I have not had any issues (knock on wood) with my paperwork for my name change and birth certificate.  In this day and age, so many still have problems.  Some of it is the anti-trans attitudes we run into, but so much is just plain bureaucratic fiefdom-y or general incompetence.  Sorry you seem to be getting your share and some of my share of both.

I do hope things stop being so tough you.  You deserve a break,

Oh Stevi, never feel unworthy of what progress you've made. We've all had to overcome challenges of one sort or another, be they emotional, bureaucratic, or family-related. Thankfully some things are easier than some of the others but there's always a fight to be had somewhere along the way.

Dealing with the bureaucracy of the court system is a fight I have got to have. That way, when I start negotiating with my insurance company for them to cover my GCS, I can do it as my 100% true self.

Cassie comes home.

Last week, I had made plans to go and visit my mom over the weekend. The plan was uncomplicated - I was going down there Saturday morning and coming back Sunday evening. No expectations, no preconceived notions, and above all else - no fear. Not any more. Only eager anticipation.

Of course, after a rather busy week, having lost one of my fur babies and my sister-in-law all in the space of a few days, I needed some happy moments and had been looking forward to this trip.

Saturday morning, I realized that everything I wanted to wear for the weekend was needing to be laundered, so I played washerwoman for much of the morning in addition to . Fortunately, I hadn't planned to be at my mom's place until after her meeting which ended around noon. Still, I was going to be late and I texted her an apology that I was running so late. She replied back saying that we can reschedule if this wasn't a good day but I told her it's okay and that I'm on my way. I remember thinking that I need this trip and would make it down there, come hell or high water!

I chose carefully what I had planned to wear for the weekend and started the day looking fabulous. I had had a slight hesitation at wearing the short skirt and sleeveless top I had picked out but said, "I wear this to work, so no big deal. This is me, after all."

During the two-and-a-half-hour drive to her place, I didn't really think on what I was about to do until the last 20 minutes or so when I started seeing some of the old familiar scenery I remembered from doing most of my growing up in that area. A missed exit ended up taking me on a slightly different route, going up a road that was vaguely familiar but something was missing. I saw the county fleet maintenance buildings but there should have been something else. Then I realized that the empty field I was looking at was the former site of my old high school which I lovingly referred to as "The Snake Pit". I could use some other, harsher language to describe it but I'm trying to keep things relatively clean here.

As I got closer to Mom's place, my heart started to beat more rapidly in anticipation of the moments to come.

"Here we go," I said to myself as I got out of the car and walked up to the front door.

She answered and welcomed me back into the house in which I had spent much of my childhood. It had changed, to be sure, but a lot had stayed the same. I'm happy to say that none of it was distressing in the slightest. There were a lot of memories, to be sure but no pain. I think I'm past that point.

I had asked her a few days beforehand what types of wines she prefers and had brought two bottles with me - a dinner wine and a dessert wine. One of them was a pink moscato to which I had been recently introduced by Steph. She already had a bottle of (thankfully not-too-sweet) riesling open, so we started on that while we sat and chatted. I had thought we might talk a bit more about my transition as I'm sure she had questions but I didn't try to steer the conversation. I just let it take whatever course it would. She was still getting to know her new daughter.

A while later, we were on our second glasses of wine and she suggested we try to Facetime my aunt and uncle who lived not very far away. After she answered, we all chatted and laughed and eventually the conversation turned into us making dinner plans. I offered to buy since I hadn't seen any of them in so long and my uncle took a bit of extra convincing because he has some mobility issues. I like to think that what changed his mind was my whining, "Oh come on! You're my favorite uncle!" He relented and plans were set.

We drove over to their place in my car to pick them up and we were off to a local bar-and-grill-style restaurant. There was a pretty long wait because it was prime time Saturday night and sports and drinking factor into a lot of the local culture. It was also the day before Mother's Day. As we waited, we three ladies did most of the chatting about a wide variety of things - there was no awkwardness, no uncomfortable silences. My aunt even complimented me on my purse.

Our dinner conversation continued along the same lines as when were waiting. Among other things, they caught me up on what had been happening in the family over the last few years - some good, some bad. Again, there was no weirdness at all. They all seemed perfectly comfortable around me, at least as comfortable as I was with them. The feeling was indescribable.

Also during the course of dinner, among other things, we talked about breakfast the next day. It was decided that my aunt and uncle would have us over for some blueberry-ricotta pancakes. It sounded odd but tasted fantastic. We only had to stop at The Wal Marts to pick up a few ingredients. My mom and my aunt went into the store in search of the necessaries for tomorrow's breakfast, which left my uncle and me in the car together.

He had been a bit of an unknown factor in all this and I had always regarded him as being rather the "opinionated" type, if you get my meaning.

Looking over at me, he said, "So, Cassandra. How is everything going?"

This is a question I'm sure we all get from time to time. It's the one that asks a much more far-reaching question than a simple casual "How are you doing?"

I replied with, "Things are going very well. I'm a thousand times happier now than before."

"Well, that's good. That's what really matters."

I was surprised at just how accepting of me he was being. I hate that I have such a habit of assuming the worst of people, only to find out that reality is so much different. Whether that's a leftover from days long past or if it's induced by some of the horror stories that permeate the trans community, I really can't say. I'm just happy that my story, though rocky here and there, has been mostly a positive one.

He and I chatted for a few more minutes, mostly about my new car and other, less "touchy-feely" topics, but I love that we were able to reconnect so easily in spite of everything. I wasn't exaggerating earlier - he is my favorite uncle. He was always fun to talk to back when I was younger. When he and my dad ran a car rental agency, I worked for them when I wasn't working my other job - mostly washing and vacuuming cars but during the slower times, we had plenty of time to talk. Back then, we shared a very cynical sense of humor. Our mutual favorite comedian was George Carlin and one only had to listen to us banter for a few minutes to figure that out. We had had a bond back then, for sure. Shortly after, I moved on into adulthood and all of the facts of life contained therein.

Soon afterward, the rest of our party returned from their quest with the necessary groceries in hand and we headed back to drop off my aunt and uncle.

Mom and I went back to her place and, after a quick shower and me jumping into some comfy clothes, she called me into the kitchen and asked me which of the two wines I'd like to open next. After a moment's thought, a mischievous grin stole its way onto my face and I said, "Well, since we already had dinner...Let's open the dessert wine!"

My mom smiled and nodded in agreement and went to pour us some. We talked a lot more, certainly staying up much later than we should have.

The next morning, we slept in and headed over for breakfast.

I'll skip most of the details as this is getting long-winded already. Since everyone had had a day to get reacquainted with me, there were a few comments. My aunt said how she noticed that my mannerisms were very different, very much more feminine than before. I told her about how I was a bit surprised at just how easy it was to make the shift - as though it were there all along but waiting to come out.

Being that she and my mom are in their 70's (they're twins, BTW), we joked about how bathroom trips have become more frequent and I mentioned that one of the medications I was on acted as a very active diuretic. I explained to her and my mom about how spiro was part of my HRT regimen and that it was an androgen blocker. I clarified for her what the androgen was that needed to be blocked and she asked how long I'd have to be on it. I said, "I'll be taking it until such time as the parts that produce testosterone are no longer...present."

She then asked if I was planning to have "a sex change operation" and  I said I was. In spite of the use of the archaic terminology, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised that there was no kind of negative reaction on their part. Of course, they might have needed some time to process all that so I didn't elaborate beyond what we'd already discussed. Baby steps, and all. I did tell my aunt just what a pivotal role her youngest daughter played in how that first visit with my mom went. I had said that she was one of the main reasons we were there having that conversation. She said she would make sure to say "Thanks".

While we were clearing the table and doing the dishes, I heard my aunt in the kitchen say to my mom, "Well, you may have lost a son, but you've gained a daughter."

Upon hearing that, I smiled to myself and blinked away the tears that were threatening.

I made sure to take a few pictures while I was there.

First is Mom and me and the second pic is with my aunt.

As an added surprise, my cousin "B" - my aunt and uncle's oldest son whom I hadn't seen in almost 10 years - showed up unexpectedly. I was in the dining room when I heard him come in and start talking to my uncle who was in the kitchen. They walked into the dining room on their way to the living room when he saw me standing there and did a bit of a double-take when I said "Hello."

He seemed not at all surprised at seeing me and even said that I was "looking sassy".  ;D

We said our goodbyes with hugs all around and soon afterward, I was heading back northward with a happy heart that had just had that huge puzzle piece labeled "Family" put back into place after so many years. It fit into place better than it ever had before.

I'll be making relatively frequent trips down there, now that all the uncertainty has been put behind me. We talked about the next trip being to the beach.

What a beautiful experience that must have been for you, Cassie. So happy for you.

Jayne

Hi Cassie,

  I am so happy that the weekend at your Mom's and aunt / uncles went sooooo dang well. Family can be so important to us even when we think it doesn't. Re-establishing that wonderful connection is great Cassie. I envy you any your family.

Hugs,
  Laurie

I am so happy to hear about your great Mother's Day weekend!  It is so nice that you have reconnected positively with family.

Back around last Thanksgiving when there were worries that Cassie might not be accepted into her own family, we made the decision that she was going to be part of mine. She became a loved member, and shared holiday meals and other events with her new family.

And now she has two families! Fortunes change. Fears are unfounded. What a lucky girl she is!


- Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 20, 2018, 06:59:08 AM
Back around last Thanksgiving when there were worries that Cassie might not be accepted into her own family, we made the decision that she was going to be part of mine. She became a loved member, and shared holiday meals and other events with her new family.

And now she has two families! Fortunes change. Fears are unfounded. What a lucky girl she is!

Having been of a rather fatalistic mindset for most of my life, at the start of this journey, I was bracing myself for losing pretty much everything but my cats. What loss there has been seems to be more of a blessing in disguise, but I was willing to risk everything for a chance to have the happy life I was meant to have. Never could I have imagined that I'd get my family back but also be invited into another loving, accepting family.

There go those happy tears again.

Quote from: SassyCassie on May 22, 2018, 06:09:45 AM
Having been of a rather fatalistic mindset for most of my life, at the start of this journey, I was bracing myself for losing pretty much everything but my cats. What loss there has been seems to be more of a blessing in disguise, but I was willing to risk everything for a chance to have the happy life I was meant to have.

Ah. The "Plan for the worst, hope for the best" mentality. No matter how well things are going, after living it as a basic tenet of my life for fifty years, I still have a hard time thinking in any other terms.

But, "I have to admit it's getting better, a little better every day..."

QuoteNever could I have imagined that I'd get my family back but also be invited into another loving, accepting family.

There go those happy tears again.

If we ever get everyone in one place, that's gonna be one big group hug, and all centered on you. Time to switch to the "Plan for the best" mentality.


- Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 22, 2018, 06:47:04 AM
Ah. The "Plan for the worst, hope for the best" mentality. No matter how well things are going, after living it as a basic tenet of my life for fifty years, I still have a hard time thinking in any other terms.

But, "I have to admit it's getting better, a little better every day..."

If we ever get everyone in one place, that's gonna be one big group hug, and all centered on you. Time to switch to the "Plan for the best" mentality.

Oh, the attitude I had for a lot of years was more like, "Expect the worst. That way I'll never be disappointed." Over all those years, I had held this strange belief that the favorite pastime of the universe was to screw with me. Even with the slightest little things like trying to cash a check at the bank (back when people still did that). If the teller had to go and talk to someone else, it automatically meant, "Well, I'm not getting any money today."

I'm realizing just how awful it was, living that way. That's how I viewed the world back then. This seemingly endless avalanche of hardship of one form or another and for some reason, other people were so much better at dealing with it than me. Living that way gave rise to lots of suicidal thoughts, only the most dramatic of which I've shared so far.

Another of those moments that I'm really not proud of but it did happen was one night back when I was 19 or 20. I was driving my dad's car and my mom was with me. She was berating me over some...I don't know, thing I either did or didn't do - I can't remember. It was probably something trivial but I was very sensitive, for reasons that have only recently become apparent. At one point, I snapped. I stomped on the gas and passed the 3 cars that were in front of us. Still rapidly accelerating, I looked over at her and said, "If you don't shut up right now, I'll kill us both!"

That had been simmering for a while and certainly wouldn't be the last outburst but probably was the most terrifying for her. Only now can I appreciate that and is one of the many reasons I told her just how sorry I was, given the way I treated her over those years. I'm disturbed by just thinking about that night.

I have to apologize for taking this thread around a corner into a rather dark place but this is just where my memory went at this particular moment. It's good to let some of this stuff out from time to time. Especially so since, after all those years, there's a lot of healing yet to be done.

Please don't take this as a reflection of my general mood today - actually, it's been a really good morning so far. I got up this morning, earlier than I planned, but went with it anyway. I did a little yoga, had some coffee and a healthy breakfast, chatted online for a bit, and got myself looking reasonably fabulous for work today.

I agree with you Steph, we should try to get everyone together for a big group hug but not centered on me. We all deserve a huge hug for everything we've been through in our individual lives and how much we've held each other up in the times when one of us stumbles or falls down (or lands on top of a refrigerator - I'm still trying to wrap my head around that one).

Going forward into our individual brave new worlds, we'll need all the love and support we can get and I, for one, am finally able to not only accept that fact, but welcome it.

Hugs to all of you!

A strangely validated feeling.

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday - nothing transition-related. This was for thyroid issues. I hadn't seen this particular doctor before, so there was the usual questionnaire to run through.

Unlike my primary doctor, for whom I am the first trans patient, this one at least was familiar with the concept. When he reached the sections asking "When was your last period/Have you been pregnant before", he filled in with "Patient is transgender".

Awesome, right?

Apparently, on some of the other data fields, there was a dropdown box with various gender options. Among the common ones, there were a couple for trans - MTF or FTM. The odd thing was when he got to that point and looked over at me, he wasn't sure which to choose. He asked, "Male-to-female or....?"

I suppose I should feel validated, in a strange roundabout way.

Unfortunately, since I haven't had my name legally changed, my original name is all over the official records though, they have "Cassandra" as my preferred name and the gender is listed as Female, so there's that.

Still, it was a bit...I don't know if surreal is the best term for how I felt at that moment, but it's the best one I can dredge up right now.

Medical Miss-Adventures

In the seemingly never-ending parade of doctor visits, on my way to work this morning, I had to drop off a CD of ultrasound imagery for analysis. As per usual, my original name is all over, well, everything. Half-jokingly and half-not, I told Steph that I was going to dress especially for that occasion. I was going to make sure that they understand just what the "F" on my driver's license stands for: Fierce, Feisty, Fabulous Female.
(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/smtf62tp5qwo03p/mirror_mirror.jpg)
Upon stepping through the doors to the imaging company, I had to resist the urge to just stare slack-jawed at the sheer number of people packed into the waiting area. As I got up to the reception desk and was asked for my name, I said "<DEADNAME>. I'm here to drop off my ultrasound CD"
She looked at the name printed on the CD, looked at me and asked, "This is yours?"

"Yes," I replied, trying to conceal the mild exasperation in my voice at having to go through this yet again.

A puzzled look crossed her face as she queried, "Is there a story behind that?"

Being somewhat late for work and unable to come up with an amusing rejoinder, I ripped the curtain away from my aforementioned exasperation and stated flatly, "The Lake County court system is dragging their feet in getting this fixed. If you have a field where you can note a 'preferred name', I'd rather be called 'Cassandra'"

Apparently sensing my frustration, she said "Cassandra. Okay. The only place I can put that down is in the 'Notes' field but I'll make sure they understand. Also," she paused momentarily while looking at her computer screen, "it looks like at least your gender is marked as 'Female'."

I thanked her, wished her a good day, and walked to the door, noting the sidelong glances I seemed to be getting from the other (mostly older) women in the reception/waiting area. Minutes later, I was back at the helm of The Marauder and heading off to work.

There's really no lesson or great revelation here but it's a nice little affirmation that people are believing more of what their eyes and ears tell them, rather than some bothersome official paperwork.

From Millstone to Milestone

I've got great news!

Today was a happy Friday indeed! After my little errand this morning, I got in to work and saw that there was a new message on my Gmail account. It was from my attorney and contained two PDF documents and only two words in the body of the message:

"Congratulations Cassandra."

"Wait, what? What does that mean? Did I finally get my court date?"

I opened first one PDF and then the other to see if one might offer an explanation. 

At the bottom of the second one, I spied this paragraph:
(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/uh5doc8ufj65ltr/CourtOrder.jpg)
My breath caught in short gasps as I fell back into my desk chair, one hand half-covering my mouth. Try as I might, I couldn't form a complete thought, let alone a complete sentence. For nearly half a minute, I sat there trying to get my breathing under control as a flood of emotions washed over me and the tears started.

The day finally came! I hadn't gotten my court date. They skipped over that part and went straight to the signed court order!

As of yesterday when that paper was signed, I am officially Cassandra Elizabeth Bradley.

After all this time! All the wondering, the worrying, and the fear that I had somehow gotten something wrong and they just weren't telling me about it. At one point, I had wondered if someone hadn't taken some kind of offense at the prospect of someone giving up such an unmistakably masculine name and all that goes along with it. The immeasurable joy that filled my heart at that moment is one I'll never forget. This millstone of a name I've been dragging around with me everywhere I went, is no more.

Needless to say, after a moment or two to recover, I shut my office door and rung up Steph to give her the good news. We both had a tearful moment during that call, with mutual promises to celebrate this Saturday when we get together.

I'm home now and exhausted both emotionally and physically but what a day it's been! Though the milestones have been slower in coming to me, they seem to be getting bigger. Today's milestone was huge!

And now I can finally unleash what's been building up inside me all day.

Ahem...

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Stephanie

A cry of pain or a cheap shot?

On the exact day that the judge signed my order making my name change official in the eyes of the State, my wife had posted this to her Instagram feed. Yesterday, not long after I received the email from my attorney with a PDF copy of the official order, I looked at pending new stuff in Instagram and saw this.

I'm not sure just how to take this, to be honest. I do feel a little bit hurt by it and my first reaction was to post a reply with the important line from the court order which I posted previously. She did not and still does not know that I've gotten my court order yet. As someone I once regarded as my best friend, she would have been at the top of my list to share such happy news. As it stands now, especially after seeing her post, I'm still hesitant to post anything about it where she can see.

I've shared the news with most of my friends already and the stark realization that she's no longer on that list...well, it hurts a bit. After so many years of being so closely linked to someone, both emotionally and in life in general, it's not an easy thing to separate without pain. Though, instead of a slow, methodical cutting of ties, this was more of a sharp yank, creating a jagged tear in the fabric of life.

I don't know if that's exactly how she meant this or if she even thought of it this way when she posted it, but what's done is done. I could be spiteful about it and give a salty reply but I've said this over and over again: I'm trying to be a better person...no, I am a better person and I'm better than that.

Hi Cassandra,

Congratulations on the new (the only name that I have known you by) name! I am surprised that you didn't fall out of your chair completely when you opened that email. Now on to getting the papers changed, ssi, drivers license, passport.... Just wait until you are holding or using your new documents. Congratulations again!

Tia Anne

 Great isn't it, just got my bank card at last, not much left for me to change but had a letter from Docs saying they needed a letter from me saying I wanted my name changed , but it was me that asked them!!!!!!WTF . Anyway well done with name change

Congratulations on your name change becoming official. What a great milestone for you to celebrate.

Jayne

Quote from: Anne Blake on June 09, 2018, 09:22:11 AM
Congratulations on the new (the only name that I have known you by) name! I am surprised that you didn't fall out of your chair completely when you opened that email. Now on to getting the papers changed, ssi, drivers license, passport.... Just wait until you are holding or using your new documents. Congratulations again!

Well to be honest, I almost did!

I've been waiting for this for so long, it almost feels unreal. It's as though it was just a dream but I know it happened. Every time I look at that document, I know it's real. In my journal posts, I always replaced my birth name with the placeholder "<DEADNAME>" but now that that name only exists on paper, it has no further power over my life.

You're right though. There is a lot of work yet to be done. Steph told me to be prepared to "out" myself every time I get each thing changed. The thing is, I already have to out myself every time I pay my water bill, go into a club, use my annual pass for Universal, go to the doctor, sign my timesheet.

I will say one thing, the "WTF?" reactions I've gotten from medical people of late have been pretty funny.

Still, I just want to get through this part and get on with life as a normal human being. At least the hardest part is done. Now, everyone I talk to will have no option other than to make the change I humbly ask them to make. Of course, I have a rather busy week ahead of me, so I'll have to sneak off to places I need to go during my lunch hours or any other time I can find a free moment.

I'm so glad to finally be recognized legally as "me"!

Congratulations on your name becoming official!  That is a huge step forward.  Being able to put your real name on your identification means less misgendering and less 'splaining.

In the months between going full-time and getting my driver's license changed, I lived in fear of getting stopped by the cops and asked for my license.  Not that I was doing anything wrong, but I just didn't want to have to deal with the questions and explanations.  Fortunately, I never was stopped then.  I've been stopped two or three times since I got my new license (I'm not a lawbreaker; they do a lot of random vehicle checks around here.) and I've had no trouble at all.

Quote from: KathyLauren on June 10, 2018, 06:37:07 AM
Congratulations on your name becoming official!  That is a huge step forward.  Being able to put your real name on your identification means less misgendering and less 'splaining.

In the months between going full-time and getting my driver's license changed, I lived in fear of getting stopped by the cops and asked for my license.  Not that I was doing anything wrong, but I just didn't want to have to deal with the questions and explanations.  Fortunately, I never was stopped then.  I've been stopped two or three times since I got my new license (I'm not a lawbreaker; they do a lot of random vehicle checks around here.) and I've had no trouble at all.

Thank you, Kathy!

I guess it's been so long since I went full-time that I'd gotten somewhat used to all that. Not that it made each instance of "outing" myself any less painful. A more apt description would be like living with the dysphoria for all those years. It was always there but only flared up periodically.

I managed to be a good girl through most of the past year that I've been full-time - at least until my birthday when my license expired. It took a lot of digging to find all the paperwork the DMV wanted for me to renew my license. Prepared for yet another "outing", I went to the DMV office and did the deed though, as a bit of a consolation, I presented them with the letter from my HRT doc in order to get my gender marker changed. That and my current license has the first drivers license picture I've actually been happy with! I hope they'll let me keep it!

Feeling a little down tonight.

The day at work was a very sedentary one, soaked in an excessive amount of coffee, but reasonably productive.

I think the catalyst for this sad feeling that still yet lingers was a print of a painting I saw in one of the ladies' rooms at work, just as I was getting ready to leave.

\

It's entitled "Sympathy". When I looked at it on my way out, a thought struck me. It made me think of a close friend and her dog. She had so wanted to have a buddy who would snuggle up with her in the good times and bad, much like the little girl in the painting. Instead, what she got has been a perpetual work in progress with nary a tender moment to be had.

The more I thought about that painting, the more it got stuck in my head and the more I just wanted to cry. By the time I had gotten in my car, the dam had burst but subsided after a minute or two. Now that I'm home and writing this, I'm crying again but I wanted to get this out before heading to bed. I'm not really sure why.

I'm tired, my defenses are down, and I've got an early day ahead of me tomorrow.

Being out and going out

Long before we got married, there was one point in the relationship between myself and my wife, in which she expressed to me one of her fears. She was almost in tears, worrying that since she was the first girlfriend I had ever had, that I would want to go and explore other options, relationship-wise. I didn't, of course, having always found the concept of dating to be completely foreign to me. The bodily urges that would normally drive such pursuits were, understandably yet hopelessly, cross-wired.

The fact that she and I had gotten together in the first place was something I tried for so long to understand. I had apparently by pure dumb luck, fulfilled that particular part of the male role foisted upon us by our society and now was expected to, what? Procreate? Have the requisite house in the suburbs with 2.5 children? Have an eventual retirement looking like the investment fund ads where the elderly couple walks barefoot down the beach together, still holding hands?

The latter was something I could not even fathom as a possibility, seeing as I was in my late-twenties and thinking that I probably wouldn't be around much longer.

The former, I could not bear even as a possibility. The thought of creating another young human who would have to grow up in the same hell that I did, just made me shut down entirely on the very idea. At the time, the mental state I was in could be described simply in terms of varying levels of sad and/or angry. There was no place in there for love, whether it be the love for a companion, a pet, or one's child. I could fake all that well enough.  By then, I had had plenty of practice, but the more I interacted with people, the more likely the mask would slip.

I can't say I had no feelings of affection back then but they were so mercurial as to seem like they couldn't possibly be real. Still, it was a comfortable place in which to live. Compromises were made. Some separation occurred over the years but we were always drawn back together for that mutual, practically loveless (at least emanating from my side of the relationship), comfort of being.

It was not to last and here I stand, more free than I have ever been in my adult life, and am ready to do some exploring. I may have expressed this before at one time or another, but I'm still unsure as to where my actual, true preferences are going to align. I'm pretty sure I'm not into women (no offense, ladies!), other than as friends and/or part of my tribe. As bland as this may sound, I have a feeling I might end up just being a plain-Jane, heterosexual woman, when all's said and done.

I don't think that's a bad thing, any more than folks who occupy many of the other points along the spectrum. I may not get it, as far as understanding their preferences is concerned, but that's okay. If I'm happy, why can't other folks find their own happiness?

What I don't want to do is just jump right into the first relationship that presents itself and just say, "This is it - this is what I need and I don't have to explore any further." I've done that in so many other aspects of my life that I'm too old to make these choices without some thought and deep introspection. Relationships being the complex things that they are, will be one of my greatest challenges, and a little bit scary.

I think, from an HRT perspective, I can say that I've moved from my "second puberty" into early adulthood. I've been learning how to sort through all of the new, scary, and wondrous emotions and am getting to the point where I can be honest with myself and others without the fear that alternately drove me and held me back over all those years.

An unexpected milestone, Part 1

Such a busy weekend but so rewarding. Stephanie and I drove down to South Florida with some specific plans in mind.

It was time to introduce her to my family. They were ready.

After we had had our coffee down in Jupiter (Check out Stephanie's thread for the picture of her as she blended in perfectly with the locals), we stopped at the grocery store to pick up some wine and a pie for dessert that evening. Stephanie asked if it might be a good idea to get some flowers. The thought had crossed my mind earlier but that was before we had planned on making that stop. I told her that it would be a sweet gesture. She asked if I wanted to be the one to give those to mom but I said, "It would be really nice of you to give them to her."

We drove to my mom's place in the late afternoon. Stephanie may have been a bit nervous about this but I wasn't. This is just a part of normal life now and all I'm doing is introducing my best friend to my mom. We pulled in and tried to make a quiet entrance through the garage door so as to not set off the dog. Alas, we failed in that endeavor and had to pause for a short while until it was determined that we had had a full olfactory chemical analysis and were sufficiently barked at for the mandatory minimum number of minutes - plus a little extra for good measure.

Just as I knew it would, the introductions went very well. Mom loved the flowers. (Way to go, Stephanie!) We opened up some wine then sat and chatted for a while. Mom had offered to make dinner for us, so Steph and I pitched in to help with the prep work. A little while after, my aunt showed up and again, introductions were made before we got back to the task at hand. While I was slicing up some mushrooms for the salad, I mentioned a treat that Stephanie has made for me before, involving sauteed portobello mushrooms served on tortillas - forevermore known as "Taco-Bellos". We had a laugh over that.

That was one of those moments where I kind of momentarily took a step outside my body, so to speak. I was one of four ladies, simply chatting and laughing while working together to prepare a delicious meal for ourselves. I could feel a sense of contentment in knowing that this is all perfectly normal and this is how it should be...how it will be for the rest of my life.

Dinner was delicious as I knew it would be. Culinary talent seems to be a common thing among the women in my family.

Being both pilots, Stephanie and my aunt did a lot of the talking but that was okay. It was nice to just be there in the moment, completely at ease both in my surroundings and the company I was with. As the hour got late and we started to fade out, my aunt went home and we all said our good-nights.

The next morning, I was up relatively early for a Saturday - certainly before anyone else woke, so I decided to go for a walk. The neighborhood seemed so familiar yet so different.

What came later that morning was a milestone that I had never imagined would come.
(Continued in Part 2)

Cliffhanger!!  :o  Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion...

I am glad that the first part of your visit went so well.  Can't wait for the rest - I can tell it's going to be good!

An unexpected milestone, Part 2

Off the top of my head, I can't recall if I've mentioned one key detail - I probably have but brain cells are still a bit sluggish this morning. My mom has been a Jehovah's Witness for several decades now. She had said that she normally hosts a bible study meeting on Saturday mornings and I had offered to make sure Stephanie and I clear out and head to the beach before the guests start showing up. Not knowing exactly how much she has told her church friends, I just wanted to save her from a potentially uncomfortable situation. I'm still taking things a step at a time, after all. Since recovering from being sick, she had said she cancelled the meeting at her house for that morning, so we made a slight change in plan. We decided to all go out to breakfast together before Steph and I left for our seaside adventure.

All of those ideas went out the window suddenly when the doorbell rang. Steph and I looked at each other, mutually sharing an unspoken, "Uh-oh!"

Mom wasn't nearby at the moment and I debated whether or not to answer the door, but if she hadn't heard the doorbell, she heard the subsequent barking and moved to open the door. Again, not knowing what, if anything, she had told her friends, I decided to just hover nearby within sight of the door and let her take the lead. I would be okay with however she wanted to approach the situation. In the doorway stood an older lady in a black lace-trimmed dress, with a kind smile on her face. Her name was Georgia and she was one of my mom's friends who hadn't gotten the message that the study group was cancelled.

As Mom invited her in, Georgia saw me standing off to the side. I smiled and said, "Good morning."
With a look of mild puzzlement in her eyes, she returned my greeting and turned back to my mom.

It's been a week since then and I still can't believe this happened. Almost without hesitation, Mom gestured to me and to Georgia, she said,


I should be moved to tears by this but I think I'm still stunned at this amazingly unexpected display of acceptance by my mom. I can only imagine how much courage that must have taken on her part to say those words so matter-of-factly. I'm finding out on an almost regular basis just how much I've misjudged that amazing lady over the years...and how much of happy times like these I've missed out on over those years. I can honestly say that if she had grown bitter over those years and rejected this new me, I would have no right to complain after the way I had behaved toward her for so long. That must be a testament to the strength which I never knew or at least never acknowledged that she had. Maybe my own strength doesn't just come from my paternal grandmother. Maybe I got some from both sides of the family.

Later, after a brief conversation, Georgia left us to join the group in their alternate location and we were off on the way to breakfast. A few minutes into the drive, I looked over at my mom and said, "Back there, when you introduced me to Georgia as 'Cassie' and said that I was your daughter, I just wanted you to know how much that means to me. Thank you so much, mom!"

Her reply was as honest as can be, "You're welcome, though I wish it was the other way around."
"That's fair," I said, "but thank you just the same."

We arrived at the restaurant, were greeted and treated as the ladies we were, dined on breakfast-y stuff, including sharing the heart-stoppingly enormous pancakes that my mom ordered. Being that the proprietors of the restaurant were apparently from Pennsylvania, scrapple was on the menu and of course, Mom had to order some. Steph and I, being Pennsylvania gals at one point in our lives, were acquainted with the stuff but hadn't had it in many years until we were offered a taste of what Mom ordered. It wasn't as flavorful as I remember but then again, I used to drown it in Karo syrup when I used to eat it - this was before I found out what was actually in scrapple. Yikes!


After breakfast, we headed back to the house to get ready for our beach excursion. The weather was not looking so good, but Steph and I were determined to get out there and have a moment to enjoy. With bathing suits and coverups in place, fabulousness engaged at full throttle, and refreshments in the cooler, we were off. We went to a beach access I used to go to back when I lived down that way. Needless to say, it had changed somewhat in the 20-some-odd years it had been since my last visit. The boardwalk was all different, probably owing to one or more of the hurricanes that hit the area in those intervening years. The beach itself was just as I remembered it. Soft sand mixed with shell fragments and only a few people around. Perfect!

As we stepped foot on the actual sand, I laughed and said, "Aaaaand now..." setting one foot in the sand, "...everything's covered in sand. It's an inevitable fact of the beach."

Once we selected our spot and set down our chairs and other items, we engaged our collective brain power to decipher the meaning of the instruction sheet for setting up our little shelter we had brought. The challenge that once stood before us was swiftly reduced to a quivering mass under the weight of our sheer determination and soon resembled a properly-assembled beach shelter. We both sat back in our chairs with twin sighs of relief and were finally able to relax for a bit.

Shortly after, I put some ice in my cup and poured a drink from the bottle containing a mixture I had dubbed "Cherry Pomme". The entrance to the beach access had a sign that said "No alcohol", as did most of the beaches in the area. Fortunately, I hadn't put any alcohol into the bottle of apple juice I brought - only cherry vodka. Just alcohol would have been disgusting. With Stephanie's cup iced and filled as well, we saluted each other, clinked our stainless-steel cups together, and said, "Well, we made it!"

The weather, held at bay by convection currents at the coast, was nevertheless inexorably approaching, bound and determined to mess up our day. Still, we had a couple of hours out there, just enjoying the day and each other's company. The rumbling and blustering emanating from just beyond the dunes eventually convinced us to pack up and leave that peaceful, relaxing place.

After we headed back to Mom's place and got cleaned up, Mom told me that since she had lost nearly 35 pounds on the diet she'd been on, she had some clothes that didn't fit anymore and asked if I might want them. I was again surprised by this and asked her what size they were. It just happened to be exactly my size, so into the bedroom we went and she started pulling one thing after another out of her dresser and closet to lay them on the bed. She left the room briefly as I stripped down to bra and panties and started to try things on. A few minutes later, she came back and said, "Oh, I have a few bras that don't fit anymore either. Would you want them too?"

"It depends on the size but I'll try them," I replied. She brought out a couple of bras which, to my delight, were the right band size but not as delightful, were a much larger cup size than I could currently fill. I felt almost like the joke featuring the skinny nerdy person applying for a construction job who was handed a very oversized T-shirt and told "Here, fill this out."

Maybe someday I will, if nature and HRT are kind to me. One of the bras was a leopard-print so, of course, that was the one I had to try on. As I turned away to remove mine and try on the new one, I turned to her and said with a grin, "You have excellent taste." She smiled and we both laughed at that.

What was significant about this event is that there was absolutely no awkwardness between us. It was one of those mother-daughter bonding moments of the kind I had only dreamed of in the past but thought would never become a reality, but there we were. Yet another unexpected milestone had passed.

A bit later, I decided to keep most of what she had offered, with the exception of some men's shorts she said she had bought just for working around the house because they were roomy and comfortable. Needless to say, I had already summarily rejected those on principle alone but tried them on none the less. I didn't really need that principle as the basis for rejection however since they just plain did not fit. They bulged and sagged in all the wrong places but reminded me about just how far I've come in the last year-and-a-half.

With the clothing donations sorted into the 'keep' and 'reject' piles, I was about to start getting ready to go and have dinner with my aunt and uncle when Mom asked me, "So Cassie, what do you think is the next step for you?"

I paused for a moment and said, "Well, probably the next major thing on my list is what we call 'bottom surgery', since I found out that my insurance will cover it - well, sort of." I then told her of the requirements I have to meet before they will approve coverage of vaginoplasty - most of which I've already met, and the time-based ones will be met in exactly three days, when I celebrate my re-birthday.

Then she rather bluntly asked the question that burns in the minds of many cis-people who are unfamiliar with how the procedure works, "So what, do they just cut it off?"

"No, they merely reshape everything into a what looks, feels, and functions like any other woman's vagina."

"Oh."

"After that, I'll probably be having vocal surgery done, but that most likely won't be until some time next year."

Her curiosity satisfied, our conversation drifted to other topics as I continued getting ready. Again, we had one of those moments while I was doing my makeup in the bathroom mirror and she was next to me, watching and chatting with absolutely zero awkwardness. Just the way it should be in a normal life.

Ha. Normal life. I never envisioned that I would ever be using that term to describe my life, and yet here it is. I'm living it.

Stephanie and I finished getting ready, packed our bags, and hugged and said our goodbyes to my mom.

With that, we were on our way to have dinner with my aunt and uncle and they would get to meet Stephanie.

(Continued in Part 3)
[Edited 7/2/2018 - Corrections made to fatigue-induced grammatical errors.]

Greetings Cassandra,

I am continually amazed and joyful at the way you and your mother have been getting to a place you never thought possible, Wow! The telling of trying on some of your mother's outfits while discussing mother-daughter things brought tears to my eyes and a bit of envy in my heart. My mom never learned of me, she was too far into dementia by the time I came along to be able to tell her...nothing to be gained. But, after her passing I kept a few of her skirts that I quite enjoy wearing.

Please enjoy and treasure the time you have with her.

Tia Anne

Cassie, that is a wonderful story!  You have an amazing mother, and I am glad that you and she are learning to appreciate each other.  I had tears in my eyes as I read it.

My mother had passed on before I knew who I was, so she never got to meet me.  It would have been so nice to share mother-daughter moments with her.  As it is, all I have of her is a few pieces of jewelry that came to me via my brother, after I came out to him.  (He was her executor, and never quite got around to disposing of them.)

Cassie,

  Thank you for relating your story at home with your Mom. It has been a touching story for sure. Those precious mother and daughter stories you had are something that like Tia, I will never has since my Mom passed away without her ever knowing she had another daughter, I can only experience such vicariously through younger girls like yourself. It also saddens me that I will never have that experience with my own daughter or my grand-daughters. It is just one more thing I cannot have due to transitioning so late in life. Yes, I some sometimes (too often) wonder if this was worth it. For you Hun, it certainly has been.

   I look forward to your next installment of the (((S) teph(a)n)ie) and ((C)as(s)ie) adventures.

Hugs,
  Laurie

I have read pretty much this whole thread today. I was surprised and I didn't expect much based on your mom's initial reaction and the history you related. Reading about your growth and the changes in your family has given me hope. I don't expect much in terms of my own family and I will keep an open mind and heart as initial reactions may not be the whole tale. I look forward to reading more entries in the future.  :)

Tia, Kathy, Laurie, I'm so sorry your mothers never got to meet their daughters. It just drives home the tragic reality of a world in which we had to wait so long to finally express our true selves. I'm sure they would have loved you just as much, if not more after seeing the joy in your eyes, probably for the first time ever.

Laurie, please don't turn my name into a mathematical equation like you did with Stephanie's name. Math and I aren't on speaking terms right now. :D

An unexpected milestone, Part 3

The ride to my aunt and uncle's house was a bit of an adventure in itself as I realized shortly after departure that I had no idea what their actual street address was. They'd been living there since before the days when in-car GPS navigation was even a novelty, let alone as ubiquitous as it is today. I told Stephanie about my navigational dilemma but I was going to have a go at it and see where we end up. Thankfully, and surprisingly, I found my way there through a series of turns which I managed to dredge up from distant memories.

Stephanie and my aunt had already met at dinner the previous night, so introductions were not needed. I walked into the living room to say hello to my uncle who rose from his chair and began to reach out to offer a handshake as he would have at any similar occasion in years past. I just looked at him momentarily with my head tilted slightly as if to ask, "Really?". Without missing a beat, I said "Oh, come here" as I stepped closer and embraced him in a warm hug. For a brief moment, I wondered if there might be any awkwardness in this moment and had my senses primed to detect any. There was nothing I could pick up on - just the loving embrace between reunited family.

He sat back down, being unable to stand unassisted for long, thanks to the health issues that plague so many of the folks his age. We gathered in the living room to chat for a while and being that I was in a room with three pilots, I mostly sat quietly and listened to the conversation. I was thankful for the chance to give my voice a rest as I had been doing a lot of talking in the last 24 hours. Most of what was being discussed, I could follow as Stephanie, my aunt and my uncle chatted about things involving their mutual passion for aviation.

After a time, we piled into our respective vehicles and headed to dinner where the conversation continued unabated. I had been so excited to introduce Stephanie to my family and was delighted to see that they all were getting along so well.

I had noticed that Stephanie had let her voice go back to its normal register at some point that evening but it was not until later that she told me she had been misgendered a couple of times by my aunt. Regrettably, I hadn't caught it either of those times or else I would have said something at that moment.

As the evening drew to a close, we said our goodbyes and I asked Stephanie to take our picture.

When I look at this picture, I can't help but feel a slight pang of regret at not having invited Stephanie to be in the picture with us. She's part of my family now and I really feel like I should have asked someone else to take the picture of all of us. We'll have to make up for it on the next trip.

With that, we were on the road and headed home.

Thinking back to all of the events that transpired over those two days and the milestones that we both passed, I feel like I should have felt more of an overall sense of elation. This was definitely Squee-worthy, as Stephanie would put it but I can honestly say that there was no squee forthcoming. For a brief moment, I was worried that I might be reverting back to my previous emotionally-numbed state of years past but never really considered that as a possibility. Still, the worry is there, ever vigilant. Having had time to process the experience as a whole, I'm beginning to realize that, at the time, I had had a lot to take in but I'm realizing more and more that this is the new normal. This is how life was supposed to be from day one.

Call it what you want - nature, the circumstances of birth, cruel fate - whatever the cause, I can't help but feel robbed of all those years and all of that completeness which is merely handed to most of the rest of our society. It's an end goal which I've only fairly recently decided is worth fighting for. All of the struggles, the internal being arguably the most difficult, and the external ones in the form of societal expectations and intractable bureaucracies, make the rewards all the more worthwhile.

This is why we choose to transition. We don't want attention. We don't want people to tell us how brave we are. We just want a normal life. We want to love and be loved by our families - both blood related and adoptive. Though it's a terrifyingly complex process for fulfilling such a simple, basic need, we do it, regardless. It's the only real choice for many of us.

It's my only real choice and I'm so glad I took that first step.

"Our special for today is dysphoria, served without warning and topped with a bittersweet glaze. It also comes with a side salad."

The week before last, I had a dysphoria-inducing lunch.

I didn't get misgendered or anything like that. It was something entirely different and totally unexpected. It probably wouldn't have affected me at all if it weren't for my current general emotional state.

Shortly after I got there, they got really busy. "B" was my server. I think that's her name - the blonde, older lady who's been working there forever and always says 'Hi' to me.
I ordered my usual soup and salad. She brought me some bread after I got my salad but no soup was forthcoming. That was when they got exponentially more busy. She came rushing back to my table almost seeming out of breath and almost refilled my tea from a water pitcher before I told her, "That's tea." She apologized and took my glass with her.
She came back with it full of tea which I was almost certain would be sweet tea - the default setting, it seems, when things are getting hectic. Thankfully, it was unsweet tea.

I finished my salad and bread and was already having regrets about the state of my breath, given how much garlic I had just ingested. Shortly after, she came back to check on me and I guess it hit her suddenly when her eyes flew wide open and she said, "Oh, I'm sorry! I forgot your soup!"
I just held up my hands in a shrug and said, "Actually I'm kind of full now. Don't worry about it."

She said, "I'm so sorry. You know what? No charge." She waved her hands indicating the tableware recently rendered  devoid of food.
On the surface, you might not see any issue beyond a server who just got in the weeds from an unexpected rush.
Oh, and at the end of her statement, she said,


The thing is, I had this EXACT same thing happen to me there once before, complete with the words, "Catch me next time, okay?". I blinked a few times and then just dumbly nodded as she bustled off to see to her other tables.
That happened in December of 2016, about a week or two before I told my wife I was transitioning. It was during the period where I had made my decision but was agonizingly sitting on it until after Christmas.

The exact same situation, the exact same phrase.
I didn't come back there for a long long time because I was afraid someone would recognize me and trouble would start. The whole thing just threw me back to a time when I was so scared of nearly everything and hadn't even chosen my name yet. The impact of this memory jolted me like a live wire and I was frozen in place, head spinning. All I could think of though, was that I didn't want to risk getting her in trouble. Fortunately, I had some cash in my wallet, so I put down enough to cover the lunch and tip and hurriedly exited the establishment. I kind of took the long way around as I walked back to work, mainly so I could process all the recently reawakened emotions running roughshod over my consciousness.

I told Steph about the incident shortly afterward, along with the statement that I will want to avoid that place for a while. It would be just long enough for the memories to become a little less raw - certainly not forever.

@SassyCassie   Well... that was quite an interesting last post of yours....  "Catch me next time, OK?"
Certainly not mis-gendered but strange to say the least.  I am not certain how I would react to the same circumstances.

Obviously I think that you perhaps should only do what you feel comfortable doing... going back there or not...
... but certainly an interesting experience for sure...

Thanks for posting... as with most of your readers and followers, I will be back looking to read about more of your interesting if not upsetting experiences...

Stay strong, stay focused and stay confident.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on July 09, 2018, 01:24:57 AM
@SassyCassie   Well... that was quite an interesting last post of yours....  "Catch me next time, OK?"
Certainly not mis-gendered but strange to say the least.  I am not certain how I would react to the same circumstances.

Obviously I think that you perhaps should only do what you feel comfortable doing... going back there or not...
... but certainly an interesting experience for sure...

Thanks for posting... as with most of your readers and followers, I will be back looking to read about more of your interesting if not upsetting experiences...

Stay strong, stay focused and stay confident.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Thanks, Danielle. That was one another one of those un-anticipated occurrences that, while not particularly painful, is...emotionally significant (?). I've been working at the same place for over 15 years and had been more or less a regular at that restaurant for just about as long. I suppose that one way to look at it is that my transition has not only been in my personal life and my work life, but everywhere in between as well - much in the same way as the process of coming out to friends I hadn't seen in some time. Many of those old familiar places that "he" used to frequent over the years, are starting to see someone new on a regular basis. She could almost be his twin, though a mirror opposite who always has a pleasant smile to offer and who makes an effort to really engage with people she meets in passing (Thanks, Tia!).

I can imagine how so many unexpected circumstances and so many changes over such a relatively short period of time can be stressful on some folks. Honestly, I never thought I could handle it but here I am just going about daily life in what has become this incredibly lovely new normal.

Your papers, please.

In our modern, bureaucratic society, paperwork is an inescapable fact of life. Officially speaking, we don't exist in this reality unless some bits of paper and/or series' of ones-and-zeroes state that we do.

That's all well and good but when one changes her reality, it takes time for the paperwork to catch up. Bureaucracies do move yet in many cases, it is at a glacial pace. Since concluding my business with the local court system to get the core documents updated to reflect that new reality, I've been making a whirlwind tour of phone calls, emails and in some cases, visits in person. Every single one of those instances could be viewed as unpleasant but I see each as a celebration. What I'm celebrating is outing myself for the final time to functionaries within each of those organizations.

Within two weeks after getting my official name change order, I've ticked off all but a few of the organizations that were on my list. Some of them have been more agile than others and gotten the change made within hours on the same day. Others, however...have revealed a subtle and little-known fact of the universe. Some massive, lumbering corporations use snail mail as a means to force the rest of the world to slow down to their own pace. The prime example for this is Target. I called their customer service line in order to request a replacement for my "Red Card" as they call it or as I refer to it, "Chairman Mao's Little Red Card". I was informed that I would have to mail copies of my photo ID and my court order to their processing center.

"Are you <BLEEPING> serious?" is what I really wanted to ask the man on the other end of that phone call. Instead, I just took down the address, thanked him, and ended the call before immediately setting to work on getting that sent out. Well, I finally received a notification nearly a week ago that my new card was "on its way". Of course, when I tried to use the old card a few days ago, I found out that they had helpfully already deactivated it in favor of the new card. Again, I wanted to ask the same profanity-laced question as above but instead held my tongue as the fault for this lies with no single person.

Most other organizations have been extremely easy and helpful with getting the proper corrections made. When I went to my bank to get that taken care of, the woman who helped me came back to the teller window with my old debit card and a pair of scissors, paused for a moment, looked up at me and asked, "Would you care to do the honors?" I said, "Yes, please and thank you!" In my exuberance to destroy any and all evidence of that previous existence, I very nearly cut off the tip of my thumbnail! That would have not been pleasant because these nails were expensive and I had just recently had them installed.

The saga continues however, with some of the more unpleasant tasks still to come - what Stephanie and I have come to refer to as "toads that need to be eaten". Well, I've got a big container of homemade hot sauce in my fridge and I'm prepared to drown them with as much as it takes to get each one down and out of the way.

One of those toads is my medical insurance which I had no idea how long it would take to get straightened out. Well, it took about a week with the help of the ladies in my HR department at work. I just got my new insurance ID card this past Saturday, which opens up one major door along the path to GCS. That particular detail is a bit of a tricky subject, about which I'll write in a separate post as it could be important to some other folks with the same insurance as mine.

Cassie,

Documentation and bureaucratic red tape hell.  I feel your pain, sister.  You cry on my shoulder and I'll cry on yours.  I find myself as the little square in a game of Pong played by Social Security and Medicare.

Stevi

Quote from: Stevi on July 09, 2018, 09:44:56 AM
Documentation and bureaucratic red tape hell.  I feel your pain, sister.  You cry on my shoulder and I'll cry on yours.  I find myself as the little square in a game of Pong played by Social Security and Medicare.

Hi Stevi,

I can't say that I've had to deal with a lumbering bureaucracy such as Medicare but I'm dealing with one that could probably come in as a close second. That would be my mortgage company. This afternoon, I received via snail mail a package detailing a myriad of requirements for changing the name on my paperwork.

Each one of these items I'm checking off the list seems to have a similar effect as all of the milestones I've passed since day one of starting this terrifyingly wonderful journey. The bigger challenge, the greater the reward in most cases. Plus, this is just a warmup for the next, possibly greatest challenge: Insurance coverage for GCS.

As for being the little square in the game of pong... I used to rock that game when I was a kid. There's no reason to be afraid of it. You're the one ultimately holding the controller.

Climbing Mount Aetna

A few months ago, I found out from one of their customer service people that my insurance company will cover GCS. Assuming that this was nothing but the truth and the whole truth, and with the encouragement of a dear friend, I contacted the office of a surgeon with the intent of setting up a consultation for bottom surgery. After over a month's wait, I was informed that my insurance did not cover any transgender care.

With my spirit sufficiently beaten back into its place, much in the same way as women were, hundreds of years ago, I took a step back. Since I knew what questions to ask, I made another call to Aetna and found out the awful truth: The employer-provided plan I was on did not have any provisions for transgender care. At all. Whatsoever. None.

However...

I was told that Aetna as a company would bypass my plan and cover the surgery, provided that I meet a list of criteria. Many of the items on the list are time-based, which can be infuriating for folks just starting out but others involve people.

Here's the rundown of what I was told that they require:

18 months consecutive therapy visits - They didn't specify if it had to be with a single therapist.

1 year living full-time.
Need to prove living as female for 1 year via letter from therapist or time-stamped pictures.

Referral from primary care physician.

12 consecutive months hormone therapy.

Need a mental health eval with psychiatrist.
(2 referral letters total - one from primary therapist and second opinion from another)



Hopefully this list will help some other folks going this particular route. I'll be posting updates about this as I swim deeper into the murky depths of that particular ocean.

Oh, Cassie, I feel for you, wading through the mountain of paperwork.

With the exception of the 18 months of therapy and the fact that one of your referral letters has to come from a psychiatrist, those requirements are pretty much the standard WPATH requirements. 

My insurance has similar "extra" requirements over and above WPATH.  One of my referral letters has to come from a "specialist", which can be anyone except a GP.  An endo would do, but a psychiatrist fits the bill and also meets one of Dr. Brassard's "extra" requirements that both your letters must come from mental health professionals.

I don't know why they have to make it such a pain in the butt.  If everyone followed the standards (kinda the reason we have standards in the first place), it would be so much simpler.

Now, all I have to do is wait for my appointment with the shrink.  Which hopefully will come some time in my lifetime.  And that's not counting the hassle over my British birth certificate.  Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my legal name change, which started the clock on a two-year wait before I can change my gender.  So, another year to wait for that.

Patience, hun.  You and I will both get there eventually.  She said, tapping her fingers impatiently on the desk.

Quote from: KathyLauren on July 09, 2018, 09:14:39 PM
Oh, Cassie, I feel for you, wading through the mountain of paperwork.

With the exception of the 18 months of therapy and the fact that one of your referral letters has to come from a psychiatrist, those requirements are pretty much the standard WPATH requirements. 

My insurance has similar "extra" requirements over and above WPATH.  One of my referral letters has to come from a "specialist", which can be anyone except a GP.  An endo would do, but a psychiatrist fits the bill and also meets one of Dr. Brassard's "extra" requirements that both your letters must come from mental health professionals.

I don't know why they have to make it such a pain in the butt.  If everyone followed the standards (kinda the reason we have standards in the first place), it would be so much simpler.

Now, all I have to do is wait for my appointment with the shrink.  Which hopefully will come some time in my lifetime.  And that's not counting the hassle over my British birth certificate.  Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my legal name change, which started the clock on a two-year wait before I can change my gender.  So, another year to wait for that.

Patience, hun.  You and I will both get there eventually.  She said, tapping her fingers impatiently on the desk.

Yes we will, Kathy!

I don't know about you but I'm finding that I have a lot more patience with regard to transition-related things. Some things take time, any way you slice it and there's really no getting around that. With this particular situation, we'll both just have to be patient and methodical to make sure everything is done to the satisfaction of the gatekeepers.

Free to be me.

Since my commute to and from work consumes two hours of every day, I have plenty of time to contemplate the mysteries of the universe - and occasionally to wallow in self-doubt or the frustration-du-jour. Thankfully, the latter is a fairly rare occurrence!

Since being able to express my true self to the rest of the world, one of the things I've pondered from time to time is having spent half a lifetime unable to really enjoy much of the beauty to be found in the world.

On the surface, that probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense. What I'm referring to is some of the personal collateral damage from having had to live such a carefully guarded existence. All of those years of taking great pains to not show any tendencies beyond the ones expected of me. All due to the cruel joke played upon me by nature at the time of my birth.

There were so many things I could not do. Well of course, I could do anything I wanted to if I were willing to accept whatever negative feedback I might receive from those around me. It would be more accurate to say, the things I could not allow myself to do. The spectrum of acceptable behavior was rigidly controlled and kept as far as possible from what could be considered un-stereotypical behavior for someone assigned male at birth. Any lapses of control or minor slip-ups would then be constrained within the questionable-yet-still-acceptable range of behavior.

There were certain things in which I found magic or beauty but would never dare to express or allow it to show in front of other people. Art, music, nature, the love of a pet, the joyful laughter of a child - I would not permit myself to express anything other than indifference or outright disdain for these things, lest it give external viewers a glimpse of what rested deep within my soul. Over so many years of this, the indifference had turned to resentment and in some cases, outright hatred. I'm realizing only now that this was most likely a symptom of the frustration at having to always hold back my true feelings and led to some horrible acts about which I'm still not comfortable speaking except to my closest friends.

This is why in previous posts, I've used the term "monster" in reference to my pre-transition self, and why I've regarded choosing to transition as being freed from a prison cell.

The world now is a vibrant colorful place, filled with so many wonders and possibilities. My heart swells with infinite joy as I experience it with a spirit finally unchained from the leaden weights that held me down. Love, kindness, beauty, joy, all of it now freely flows both into my soul and out from it, to be shared with those most important to me and my life, thereby making all of our lives a little richer and happier.

Now, it's time to dry up and go boldly forth into that world!

Where the Streets Have No Name

Tonight while doing the dishes, I was listening to the XM stream of First Wave on my Echo device in the kitchen. As does quite often on that channel, a U2 song came up. I'm honestly not much of a fan of U2 - maybe because their music really doesn't grab me or the few songs that get radio play are WAY overplayed. In this case, rather than changing the channel or telling it to stop playing, I just let it play.

Then my mind started to wander. I remembered that U2 was (and probably still is) my wife's favorite band. It took me back to the days when we first met and started dating (right around the time I learned what "dating" actually is). Of course, those memories drove me straight off a cliff and the tears started to fall as I started to wonder how things might have been different. What if I hadn't been born this way or at least had not decided to take that bold step which brought me to where I am at this particular moment in life right now, writing my story on a transgender support forum.

What if, what if, what if.

After a time, the song ended and the rain stopped falling. I felt a bit better afterward, the cleansing effect of tears having become a necessary and welcome part of who I am. For some of this afternoon, I felt glimmers of this coming on, noticed the now-familiar signs. It's almost like the pressure that builds up over time between tectonic plates. It needs to be released and leaves me a bit shaken afterward but ultimately is a healthy thing as long as it doesn't build up for too long.

I know that the feelings of loss and the mourning for that shattered relationship will go on, probably for years. By the same token, I also know that just allowing myself to feel those feelings and let them flow through and out of myself is the best way of passing through such moments. Maybe on occasion I will come away from the experience having realized some new insight into my inner self or some bit of wisdom I can share with the ones I love to help them along in their individual journeys.

It hurts but it doesn't have to hurt forever.

To boldly go where one woman has never gone before.

Author's note: I've also posted this on Facebook but thought I'd share on here as well.

This past Saturday, I did something I hadn't done in at least two years.

I went to a shooting range.

While that may seem like a fairly ordinary thing to do, for me, it was far from that.

Over the last year, I've been full-time presenting as female both at work and outside of work and in the last few of those months, things have pretty much settled into the "new normal". The only hitch to that is that I've only recently had my name officially changed. Prior to that, my ID and all of my cards had the previous, unmistakably male name attached to them. When going to a shooting range, those are the first things they usually want to see.

Thus my hesitation. Couple that with shooting ranges and their associated gun shops being stereotyped as potential hotbeds of people who generally dislike folks like me. I held off on going to any of those places, just to be absolutely on the safe side. I'll admit it, I was afraid to go.

Now, since I've got all of my paperwork corrected, I decided it was time to "test the waters", so to speak.

I went to a place that was about a 20 minute drive from my house. I'd never been there before, so there was zero chance of recognition by any of the staff - not that anyone who knew me from years ago would recognize me but still, the fear still lurks in the background.

With my purse slung over my shoulder and battered, cat-hair-encrusted range bag in hand, I didn't even stop long enough to start having doubts - I walked right in.

There was a man and a woman behind the counter as I walked up and asked to use the range. The woman smiled and complimented me on my nails and said to the man, "See, she has on purple too, so today must be purple day!"

I smiled and replied, "Well, it's my favorite color so, for me, every day is purple day." We both laughed at that as the guy just rolled his eyes and went to help another customer.

With that, I bought some ammunition and targets and headed into the range. A man ahead of me was nice enough to hold the door open for me since I had my hands full.

With it being fairly early, there were only a few people using the range which suited me just fine. I hung my target, ran it out to the back wall of the range and got to work.

I'm proud to say that, even though marksmanship is a skill that can deteriorate over long periods of disuse, it quickly came back after a short warm-up. I quickly realized I had to compensate for drop with one pistol and for the other one (pictured) having been sighted in for a much longer distance.

It was a nice and relaxing couple of hours as I ran through several hundred rounds of pre-Obama-ammo-panic .22 Long Rifle ammo.


All of my fears had been completely unfounded, it would seem.

Just as an aside, I did notice one thing. In that typically male-dominated space, there were a few other women shooting. I seem to have been the only one there by herself however. I'm not sure what to make of that as yet. I guess I'll have to just do it again and see.

The Ring

Years ago, my wife gave me a sterling silver ring. It was a fairly simple design that had a bit of a Celtic knotwork look to it. I wore it for a few years until my fingers became too large for my rings due to weight gain. The ring sat in a box and got lost for a while after I moved into my house about a decade ago. We got married a few years after that and I wanted to find that ring to wear as my wedding band because it was kind of special to me and was significant to our relationship.

After having lost that extra weight, I found that my rings fit me once again. There was a slight twist to that whole situation in that I had already started presenting as female most of the time and though the rings once again fit on my fingers, the did not fit "me".

Over the past year or so, I've been gradually divesting myself of those material things I've come to regard as "his".

"His" clothes - gone.
"His" truck - gone.
"His" phone - gone.

I even gave away one of those old rings because someone said they liked it.

In between all of that, I had found the ring given to me by her and started wearing it again. After she decided to end our marriage and move out, I still wore it but had transferred it to my right ring finger. It didn't feel right to just toss it away but then again, it now served as a reminder of what we no longer have.

Last weekend, @Steph2.0 and I took a nice long bike ride, as some of you may have read on her thread. I took off that ring to apply sunblock and put it in the pouch attached to my bike. Hours later, when I went to retrieve it and put it back on, I found that it was gone. Maybe it fell out - I don't know.

The thing is, there's none but a slight feeling of loss over it. It's one of those things I guess I didn't have the courage to cast behind me like so much else of that former life. Could it have been the next step in the process of letting go of that crumbled marriage? Maybe in the long run, it's just as well that I lost it.

I do sincerely hope that if someone else finds that ring, that they can do something significant with it and make it a beautiful thing that means something once again. Let it shine in someone else's life.

As for me:

"His" wedding band - gone.

That reminds me of the One Ring in Lord of the Rings.  When it is time for it to be owned by someone else, it just moves on, seemingly by accident.

This one was only semi-precious...

Quote from: KathyLauren on July 31, 2018, 03:35:30 PM
That reminds me of the One Ring in Lord of the Rings.  When it is time for it to be owned by someone else, it just moves on, seemingly by accident.

That's a good way of putting it. Since it came from a little silver-peddler kiosk and was fairly inexpensive as sterling silver jewelry was back then, you could refer to it as the One Ring to Rule The Mall.  ;D

Quote from: Steph2.0 on July 31, 2018, 04:55:58 PM
This one was only semi-precious...

Yes. The jewelry I have now holds a much deeper meaning to me than what came before.

Quote from: SassyCassie on August 02, 2018, 07:00:56 AMyou could refer to it as the One Ring to Rule The Mall.  ;D

OMG, that should have had a Trigger Warning or Groaner Alert!   ;D :D

Quote from: SassyCassie on August 02, 2018, 07:00:56 AM
That's a good way of putting it. Since it came from a little silver-peddler kiosk and was fairly inexpensive as sterling silver jewelry was back then, you could refer to it as the One Ring to Rule The Mall.  [emoji1]

"One Ring to rule them all, One ring to find them; One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

Uh-huh. Sounds like shoes shopping to me!


Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 02, 2018, 08:57:32 AM
"One Ring to rule them all, One ring to find them; One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

Uh-huh. Sounds like shoes shopping to me!


Stephanie

@Steph2.0
Or a really bad night in Kings Cross Sydney https://www.sydney.com/destinations/sydney/sydney-city/kings-cross (https://www.sydney.com/destinations/sydney/sydney-city/kings-cross)

Hi Cassie thought since I now have had the pleasure of meeting you I would drop in and say hello which will help me keep up with your soon to be, busy life  Hope you had a fabulous night I would say you are probably sound asleep by now..at least I would hope so as it got to be 5am there now LOL Sleep tight


Take care

Liz

Quote from: LizK on August 12, 2018, 04:23:45 AM
@Steph2.0
Or a really bad night in Kings Cross Sydney https://www.sydney.com/destinations/sydney/sydney-city/kings-cross (https://www.sydney.com/destinations/sydney/sydney-city/kings-cross)

Hi Cassie thought since I now have had the pleasure of meeting you I would drop in and say hello which will help me keep up with your soon to be, busy life  Hope you had a fabulous night I would say you are probably sound asleep by now..at least I would hope so as it got to be 5am there now LOL Sleep tight


Take care

Liz

Hi Liz,

It was so nice to have had the chance to meet you, face-to-face (as close as we can get via video chat)! I can only hope that my soon to be busy(-ier) life will be for all good things.

Accepted but rejected

When making the choice to transition and face all of the fears head-on, one of the fears is losing friends. As with so many other aspects of the transition process, I had not so much expected to lose friends but had braced myself for that possibility. With all of the horror stories from other trans folks who had been immediately rejected by their friends and families, it was only natural to be prepared for the worst. Nevertheless, I still had to do this.

Fairly early on, as I came out to more and more of my friends and co-workers, I didn't experience any of the typical rejection one hears about in the community. At least, not initially.

I have to wonder what's worse - being immediately rejected and pushed away by one's friends or having them just sort of fade into the background.

As time goes by, I've realized that that is just what is happening. Granted, I'm overjoyed that I have so many more close friends these days than I ever had in all of the years behind me. They're the first of my friends I came out to after dropping the transition bomb on my wife.

At first, things were fine, once the initial awkwardness of visiting them as Cassandra was past. We still had some good times and I even attended their wedding. During the inevitable moments of being misgendered and the subsequent, gentle corrections, there manifested a subtle yet perceptible discomfort on the part of my former roommate. His wife had already been through the process with another friend and she had the name and pronouns right on every time.

As the months went by, I heard from them less and less, yet I still see them going out and doing the things that we all used to do, albeit with other folks and I wasn't invited. Maybe I'm being petty or overreacting to something minor but I have to admit that it hurts. Recently, I pointed out someone in a picture they posted on FB and half-jokingly said, "Look, there's "B". He's my replacement." It's sadly funny but he looks an awful lot like I used to.

I've tried reaching out a few times with really no more than a perfunctory response and honestly, I'm tempted to just un-friend them on there - not really as the cry for attention that most folks would automatically assume. It would be more an effort to spare myself the pain of seeing these things. Maybe I just can't let go? Maybe I need to just accept that it is what it is and move on.

Maybe this is one of the facts of life in the new normal.

The one thing about it that moves me to tears is that I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye.

Cassie, I cannot quite relate. My 'friends' from past would try to reach out to me, ask Lori about things, try to invite 'us' to events. I am the one that pushed away. There's truth in the saying that you have to like yourself first. So, for me, while most family and 'friends' are distant .. they always were. Now it is up to me to make the extra effort to reach out.

What I'm ineloquently (is that a word?) trying to say. Perhaps their uncertainly caused a drift that even they weren't aware of requiring you to try just that little bit harder to include them?

Ok, that wasn't too eloquent either .... *sigh*

Quote from: Faith on September 11, 2018, 06:57:32 AM
Cassie, I cannot quite relate. My 'friends' from past would try to reach out to me, ask Lori about things, try to invite 'us' to events. I am the one that pushed away. There's truth in the saying that you have to like yourself first. So, for me, while most family and 'friends' are distant .. they always were. Now it is up to me to make the extra effort to reach out.

What I'm ineloquently (is that a word?) trying to say. Perhaps their uncertainly caused a drift that even they weren't aware of requiring you to try just that little bit harder to include them?

Ok, that wasn't too eloquent either .... *sigh*

Hi Faith,

I think I get what you're saying and I did have a tendency to keep most people at arms' length, back in the "before times". These friends were some of the very few close friends I had.

Since transitioning, I've become a lot more open to people and most of the friends to whom I had previously been somewhat closed off, have become very close and very important to me. That's what makes the whole situation doubly painful and confusing. To your point, it may very well be a discomfort that has gone unaddressed and morphed into a gradually increasing distance.

Maybe it's also subconsciously triggering some fear of rejection and a secondary fear that it might not be an isolated thing.

In days past, I didn't really push people away so much as to keep my distance from them and withdraw if they got too close. Usually when people had had more contact with me, they'd realize that there's something not quite right and they would keep their distance.

Now, I want to be around people. I'm out here for all the world to see and I'm not afraid of being social anymore.

yes indeedy .. I can relate to that

QuoteNow, I want to be around people.

... same :)

Hi Cassandra,

I think that I have had a bit of what you may be describing, but from a different direction. I have never been one for facebook so it has been face to face sort of stuff. Early on in transitioning we got close to some friends and hit it off well, besties so to speak. As I continued transitioning and have grown into myself, I have become more open and talkative about the magical things in our lives. Some earlier friends admit that they can't relate or understand the world of a mature trans woman. They don't know how to interact with me and our common interests have diminished. We have recognized this and are trying to work through it but I never saw it coming. I hope that this works for if it does not I will miss them dearly and I will cry at the loss.

Tia Anne

Quote from: Anne Blake on September 11, 2018, 09:44:57 AM
Hi Cassandra,

I think that I have had a bit of what you may be describing, but from a different direction. I have never been one for facebook so it has been face to face sort of stuff. Early on in transitioning we got close to some friends and hit it off well, besties so to speak. As I continued transitioning and have grown into myself, I have become more open and talkative about the magical things in our lives. Some earlier friends admit that they can't relate or understand the world of a mature trans woman. They don't know how to interact with me and our common interests have diminished. We have recognized this and are trying to work through it but I never saw it coming. I hope that this works for if it does not I will miss them dearly and I will cry at the loss.

Tia Anne

What you said makes me wonder if this is what it feels like to get a different kind of affirmation. Guy friends who actually perceive me as a woman in mind body and spirit and as such, feel like there's no longer a connection. I remember at first when I came out to my friends, one by one, that I told them, "I'll still be me". In a relatively short span, that changed slightly into "I'll still be me - just a kinder, gentler version of me."

After a while I stopped using it entirely because I felt like I was wrong. I am a different person from before. Maybe some day, they can be as good friends with Cassandra as they were with George.

Larry, the Guy who Runs Cables

Yesterday at work, I had had a meeting scheduled for me with a contractor whom I had worked with extensively in the past. I hadn't had any contact with him for at least 5 years. It's been a while since I had to do something like this but, seeing as how this is the new normal, it was like any other business meeting.

I got along with him before, so there shouldn't be any problem now, right? ...Right? Hello?

Since our manager had set up the meeting, I had no idea when the guy was going to show up. All I had to go on was that he'd be here "this morning, but call him to find out when.". Great. Not what I was expecting but okay. Without even pausing to think about it, I put on my headset, dialed his number (from our help line, in case he still had my old name tied to my phone number in his contacts list), and put on my best voice I could manage. He answered, I introduced myself, and we talked about when and where to meet.

"Is your office still at <MAIN BUILDING>?"

Uh-oh. I guess he does know who he's talking to. No sweat, I can do this. Keep going.

"Yes it is, on the first floor."

"All right. if you want, you can just ride with me and we'll go out to the sites where you need cables dropped - or you can take your own vehicle and just meet me there. It's up to you."

Sensing no perceptible awkwardness, I replied "Sure, I can ride with you. That'll make it easier."

We said goodbye and then I texted my manager to ask just how much about me he told the guy. He said, "Only the basics, to explain the last name."

A little vague, but okay.

For this day, I had dressed a little nicer in my gray and black sleeveless color block dress - mainly in the hope of once again seeing that dawning of realization of exactly who this beautiful woman they were talking to actually is. 'Twas not to be, I suppose. Oh well. Moving on.

As I approached his truck, he got out and started walking toward the building entrance. Then he saw me and after a few steps, realized who was heading his way. I smiled and waved as I would with any prior acquaintance - at least these days.

At one point, I had wondered if when encountering people I knew or folks I was just meeting for the first time, whether or not I was giving them a friendly smile or if I had sometimes unconsciously reverted back to the old tight-lipped almost-grimace. It turns out that no, that look never wants to come out anymore. I do smile at people and quite unconsciously too. How about that?

Back to the story...

After a friendly greeting, I got in the truck with him and we headed to our first stop. When we arrived and I reached down to my purse, he said something, the significance of which didn't quite register immediately.

"It's okay honey, you can leave that in here. I'll lock the doors."

"Okay, let me just grab my keys for the building."

Rewind a moment. He said, "It's okay honey...". Knowing full well who I was before and he still reflexively addressed me as he would have (I assume) any other woman. Wow! Simply WOW!

It's moments like that which cause me to question any feelings or notions that people see that I'm trans and either don't care or are just being nice. It's one of those affirming moments that you file away carefully so as to enjoy it over and over again.

As we went around to the other facilities and chatted about other folks we used to work with on both sides and occasionally touched on something relevant to the job at hand. After a few hours, we decided to go somewhere for lunch (he insisted on buying). It was then that we got to address the elephant in the room. It was one of those educational moments because he knew very little about trans folks or any of what we go through, so I laid it all out for him and got caught up on all that had happened in the intervening years.

After lunch, we were back on the road to visit the last few sites and then we were back in my office, going over some final details about the job.

He even gave me a hug as we parted ways.

The day was a bit of a whirlwind, albeit a rewarding one.

Quote from: SassyCassie on September 11, 2018, 09:38:31 PMI remember at first when I came out to my friends, one by one, that I told them, "I'll still be me". In a relatively short span, that changed slightly into "I'll still be me - just a kinder, gentler version of me."

After a while I stopped using it entirely because I felt like I was wrong. I am a different person from before. Maybe some day, they can be as good friends with Cassandra as they were with George.

And if not, the new people you know who respect and love you as you are now, will displace those from the past who would rather know the artificial construct you once were. The quality of these new friendships should more than make up for the loss of the old.

Your previous thoughts about whether we are the same or an evolved person after transition has me awake and pondering. Who exactly am I now? I need to think deeply about this. I believe I'll have to turn my muse loose on it in my own thread if I come to any conclusions.

Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 11, 2018, 11:22:24 PM
And if not, the new people you know who respect and love you as you are now, will displace those from the past who would rather know the artificial construct you once were. The quality of these new friendships should more than make up for the loss of the old.

Your previous thoughts about whether we are the same or an evolved person after transition has me awake and pondering. Who exactly am I now? I need to think deeply about this. I believe I'll have to turn my muse loose on it in my own thread if I come to any conclusions.

Stephanie

The second paragraph there kind of hits upon a similar notion I had had recently. Not only are the people in my life getting acquainted with this relatively new person, but so am I. I'm unsure as to whether it's a matter of learning who I am or learning who I want to be.

The Middle Finger

After 5 phone calls over as many months, I got a final answer from my insurance company as to whether or not the plan I'm on will cover GCS. The answer I got was not the one I had hoped for but the one I was expecting: The big fat,  gilded power tie-wearing middle finger - the answer many trans folks get.

"That coverage is specifically excluded from nearly all Aetna plans," was the final answer.

The thing is that the first call I made, I was told that it's not covered by the plan I'm on but that Aetna would cover it if I met certain criteria - basically the criteria that any insurance company would require for GCS: 18 months continuous therapy, living full-time for a year, HRT for a year, 1 letter from primary therapist, 1 letter from alternate therapist to confirm diagnosis.

At the time, I still had a few more of those items to check off the list, specifically the time-based ones but I was already past one and was not far from the other two. Once I had waited out the time and collected the rest that I needed, I made another call...and was told that not only was the surgery not covered but that no one had ever heard of Aetna covering GCS outside of any plans.

I was devastated.

...Briefly.

The thought crossed my mind that there might be some call center folks who are uncomfortable with the whole idea and might be inclined to tell me whatever it takes to end the call quickly. I got in touch with our plan manager at Aetna and was told the same answer - no coverage. I spoke to a man at the intermediary company that basically acts as a broker between my employer and Aetna, who put me in touch with someone higher up at Aetna. She also told me that it was specifically excluded from my plan and almost all other plans within the company and had never heard of it being covered outside of any insurance plan. She did however promise to send me the *entire* plan guide with the relevant sections highlighted.

With that in hand, maybe I can find something - a loophole or some little-known policy that may be helpful. I'm grasping at straws at this point but it's all I've got to go on.

The difference between the start of this little adventure into bureaucracy is that while i was devastated by the first "No" answers, this "final" answer did no such thing. I know that there's little chance of getting the insurance company to budge on any of this and going to the open market might be a bit costly. I'm honestly inclined to give the whole U.S. health insurance industry my own middle finger and go outside the country. I had been planning on doing just that for FFS and VFS which, of course, would both be out-of-pocket. GCS would be just another stop along the way.

The idea I'm formulating, if everything works out, just might culminate in a grand tour which would have me departing sunny Florida, circumnavigating the globe, and returning weeks later, a new and complete person.

It's a big dream and may prove unrealistic after consulting with the medical professionals along the way. I've come so far and achieved so much since that fateful Christmas back in 2016.

I can do this too.

Cassie,

Your recounting of your day with the cable guy warmed my heart.

I am visiting the marina where we kept our boat in years past.  I was walking the docks when a friend from the past approached.  We have seen one another in the recent past so he was aware of my more feminine proclivities but not the full extent.  When he greeted me, he said "One of the smarter guys."  Not sure what he was trying to convey but I knew he was fine with it.  We walked on down the dock as if nothing was one bit different to where he showed me his new-to-him boat.  So nice to be treated differently while be treated the same.

Stevi

Hi Cassie

Doesn't seem like a pie in the sky dream you should have a look a @Drexy's thread https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,214757.0/topicseen.html

This is the kind of thing she did. I am unsure exactly what surgeries she had done  but I know for sure there was a lot. She is an Aussie girl and we can't get any coverage for it with out  the out of pocket being upwards of 15k depending on circumstances...you might recoup a few of those costs but not much.

it sounds way frustrating dealing with your health system although despite having universal healthcare in Australia you can't get coverage for GCS or any trans related cost except psychological and then you can have as much as you want..LOL

Keep formulating that idea, you might be surprised how much you can have done with minimal cost by going outside of the US.

Take care

Liz

Quote from: Stevi on September 14, 2018, 03:18:33 PM
Cassie,

Your recounting of your day with the cable guy warmed my heart.

I am visiting the marina where we kept our boat in years past.  I was walking the docks when a friend from the past approached.  We have seen one another in the recent past so he was aware of my more feminine proclivities but not the full extent.  When he greeted me, he said "One of the smarter guys."  Not sure what he was trying to convey but I knew he was fine with it.  We walked on down the dock as if nothing was one bit different to where he showed me his new-to-him boat.  So nice to be treated differently while be treated the same.

Stevi

Stevi,

One thing I have to marvel at that stands out from both your experience and mine is the fact that we have the courage to walk boldly forward into these encounters, regardless of the potential outcome. Finally having the confidence in who we are is such a powerful thing that, I hope, can take all of us to places we never dreamed we would go.

Quote from: LizK on September 15, 2018, 07:04:33 PM
Hi Cassie

Doesn't seem like a pie in the sky dream you should have a look a @Drexy's thread https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,214757.0/topicseen.html

This is the kind of thing she did. I am unsure exactly what surgeries she had done  but I know for sure there was a lot. She is an Aussie girl and we can't get any coverage for it with out  the out of pocket being upwards of 15k depending on circumstances...you might recoup a few of those costs but not much.

it sounds way frustrating dealing with your health system although despite having universal healthcare in Australia you can't get coverage for GCS or any trans related cost except psychological and then you can have as much as you want..LOL

Keep formulating that idea, you might be surprised how much you can have done with minimal cost by going outside of the US.

Hi Liz,

Thanks for the tip! I've been reading through Drexy's story over the last few days, when I can squeeze in some time to just sit and read (not much lately!).

With the guesstimate of cost in my mind for the procedures I'm wanting, I have a feeling that I'll only get to pick two out of the three procedures I'd like to have done. With more information, the idea will coalesce into something a bit more tangible of course. I know a lot of it will be a big waiting game but since (more or less) passing the tail end of second puberty, it's been a lot easier to be patient with the world around me.

I've sent enquiries to Facial Team for FFS, Yeson for VFS, and PAI for GCS. So far, I've gotten back replies from the first two. Facial Team won't even give me a Skype consultation until the end of January, so that's pretty much in a holding pattern. I'm not too worried though. Out of this trifecta of procedures, FFS has gone to the bottom of my list and may very well end up being stricken from the list entirely.

Someone from Yeson responded to my message in the wee hours of the night and sent me lots of info and videos to review. One detail significant to the planning of this little adventure is that the patient is restricted from going under general anaesthesia. I'm assuming that's mainly because it necessitates intubation, so that obviously will have to be my last stop. I kind of planned things that way in my mind.

I'll probably post here as things develop and when time permits.

I've still got to submit my passport application and wait for that system to grind through its process before I can put any of these things on the calendar.

So much to do but so much potential reward!

Cassie, I hope everything goes to expectation (and less expensive as well). You and Steph must really comb through your photos before posting them though. I don't see the need. But, you are the one that stares at it everyday.

Quote from: Faith on September 18, 2018, 06:21:42 AM
Cassie, I hope everything goes to expectation (and less expensive as well). You and Steph must really comb through your photos before posting them though. I don't see the need. But, you are the one that stares at it everyday.

Thank you, Faith! I hope it all goes better and less expensive too!

The photos that Steph and I post are from a carefully curated collection, drawn from a pool of hundreds. Trust me, there are quite a few which don't make the cut. :D

Regarding FFS, I've been pretty successful in passing. There are only a few details I'd like to have taken care of, to be honest. What deficiencies exist are (hopefully) balanced out by the rest of the overall presentation.

As for everything else, it strikes me as funny that the only aspect of it I find daunting is the month of total silence which follows VFS. I think it's triggering a little bit of dysphoria in me. The reason might be that, in the "before times", people used to tell me, "You're so quiet. You should talk more, be more social"

That was a defense mechanism so people would be less likely to realize that something was different about me if I limited my interactions with them.

Since starting HRT and finally living as my true self, you can't shut me up!

QuoteSince starting HRT and finally living as my true self, you can't shut me up!

HAH!  It's funny (not ha ha funny, well, not totally) that you should say that. I've done the same. When Lori and I are driving my mouth goes faster than the car. Small talk, where the heck did that come from !!??!!

Quote from: SassyCassie on September 18, 2018, 07:23:58 AM
The photos that Steph and I post are from a carefully curated collection, drawn from a pool of hundreds. Trust me, there are quite a few which don't make the cut. :D

Truth! [emoji1310]

Quote
Since starting HRT and finally living as my true self, you can't shut me up!

No comment.



Stephanie

Hi Cassie

I could have had my voice surgery last week if I wasn't having my pump replaced then it was because of the GCS in Nov then we have a clear time till the hip replacement and will do it then. The reason the Dr gave me is that he wanted 6-8 weeks of healing to have occurred before I was intubated for any other surgery which could damage his work.

It all takes time and it feels like we will never get there but we do...in the end...eventually :laugh:

Take care

Liz 


 

Quote from: LizK on September 18, 2018, 08:28:18 PM
It all takes time and it feels like we will never get there but we do...in the end...eventually :laugh:

I know, and you're absolutely right. I can recall the thoughts from back at the beginning of how it would take forever to get 6 months of laser treatments behind me to get rid of all the dark hairs. That day came and went, like so many other milestones in this journey.

I have learned to be patient for a lot of this stuff but the ambitious schedule I had in mind had more to do with budgeting travel expenses and long-term medical leave from work. It looks like, any way you slice it, I'm going to be boomeranging back and forth to Southeast Asia next year.

It's definitely going to be a year to remember!

I will do whatever it takes to one day stand on that beach with @Steph2.0 - with Pina Coladas in hand!

Birthday wishes

This past weekend was my mom and aunt's birthday (they're twins).

I wanted to do something nice for them both but had to kind of tiptoe around my mom's religious beliefs which forbid the celebration of many things but particularly birthdays. The idea came to me to just take them out for a nice dinner. It was a bit short notice but I decided I had to try at least.

I asked for advice on how to approach the whole thing with my mom and still be able to wish my aunt a happy birthday. Asking for advice for this is something I would likely have never done in the "before time", even if I had remained in contact with my family back then. I got some good feedback from friends and one of my cousins on what to do. In fact, according to my cousin, "S" (my aunt's youngest daughter), my aunt hadn't really had any kind of birthday celebration for several years. I can understand that she and her sister really can't do much since they live more than a 12-hour drive away. Her eldest son, however, lives right nearby but can't be bothered to go out of his way for his mom. It's a familiar story, I know.

In trying to set up all of this, I felt like the switchboard operator, coordinating between everyone. That seems to be the story of my life lately, both at work and during my off hours. One of the texts from my mom pointed out that she doesn't celebrate birthdays and would be okay with bowing out of the dinner that night in favor of getting together at a later date. I assured her, "I understand and I respect that. This is strictly family getting together for dinner."

The original plan was for all of us to meet at my aunt's place and ride to dinner together. I thought I'd get there a little bit early and give my aunt some birthday wishes (and flowers and a card!). With my BFF, surprised but going along anyway, we hit the road...a little bit late. We stopped to pick up a card which made us a little more late. Diverting to get the flowers made us even later. I started to worry about what might happen with birthday...stuff going on in front of my mom. Eventually my confidence returned and I said, "Screw it, if she has an issue, I'll talk to her about it."

Everyone was already there when we arrived but there was absolutely no drama from my mom vis a vis the birthday wishes. Whew!

Dinner was tasty and the interactions between all of us were just like you would see in any family get-together. I was misgendered a couple of times but that's still to be expected for a while yet. It doesn't bother me like it used to and I gently corrected where appropriate. None of it was malicious. There was nothing but love at that table.

In fact, my mom mentioned that there was a certain waterfront restaurant that she'd like to go and have sundowners with me some time soon. What really sticks out in my mind is that she mentioned it at least three times. She really wants to do that! Squeee!


I wanted so badly to set this up. After having been out of touch with any of these people for so many years, I hoped to make as good an impression as possible. We all seem to be getting along nicely but as with so many other things these days, there still exists a tiny kernel of doubt. I never felt the genuine affection toward my family that I do now. It's still kind of new and I can't help but wonder if this is actually what normal life is like for other people. Can I have this now? Really? It's not going to be snatched away or be pushed away by my reverting to old habits and behaviors?

I hope not. I really do. This is something that has been missing from my life for...well, pretty much all of it. Who I was before hated himself and pretty much everything associated - including relatives, for the most part.

Transition has opened so many doors that I had thought were shut permanently. I understand that it will take work to keep those doors open but honestly, I'm willing to put in the effort and am not afraid to try. I had read an article a while back about a concept they called "emotional labor". If my understanding of the idea is correct, it's all the little things most commonly done by women - organizing birthday parties, sending out Christmas cards, remembering to wish friends a "Happy Anniversary", and the like. It's an idea that, in the "before times", was something I knew I should be doing but rarely if ever did.

I'm making an effort to turn that around, not to live up to some real or imagined stereotype of "what women should be doing". This is something I want to do. This is something that makes me happy as it makes others in my life happy. I genuinely care about the people closest to me, which is kind of a new feeling but I'm loving every minute of it.

This dinner date is just one of those moments and it looks like everyone had a good time. I feel so fortunate to have such a loving, accepting family though it makes me sad to think of other folks who aren't so lucky.

I can't help but wonder if I'll experience something like the "novelty wearing off" at some point or if this is just the beginning stages of regular life. I suspect, and earnestly hope, it's the latter!

For my babbling viewpoint of that day, see the first paragraph   here (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=241033.msg2176710#msg2176710).

I was so honored to witness all the love at that table!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180921/a9ae566ab8ec26ecf43ff2d98430910a.jpg)

Stephanie

You can really see the family similarity between your mother and you.  Beautiful! 

As to transitioning opening so many doors and the possibility of the novelty passing; yes to the first and only if you let the second.  I've become the more outgoing person I had locked away and I love her.  I will never let this feeling go as I love it so much.  I've followed your posts and you have made wonderful progress on all fronts. 
Judi

Hi Cassie

I think you did a really nice thing and made a difference in peoples lives. Thats what they will remember when they think about you. Don't be too hard on yourself or your motives...you sound to me like someone who has made and will continue to make significant changes in their life as you take it back. You are trying to connect to your family as the the person you really are and that may have some bumps along the way but you are doing so great.


Take care

Liz

Quote from: JudiBlueEyes on September 21, 2018, 08:51:18 PM
You can really see the family similarity between your mother and you.  Beautiful! 

Thank you Judi! Many years ago, someone (I don't remember who) had said to me, "You look like a male version of your mother." I don't recall how I responded but the notion stuck with me all this time.

It's been similar for me. I used to not be as outgoing as I am now. I'm no social butterfly but the anxiety I used to feel about going into new social situations and meeting new people is just gone. The temptation to revert to those old, easy (yet lonely) ways is still there but its voice is barely audible these days. I will admit to having a fear that something might happen to take it all away - almost as if I somehow don't deserve to have all this happiness in my life. Logically, I know that's entirely up to me but the fear, however small, still exists.

Quote from: LizK on September 22, 2018, 06:52:17 PM
I think you did a really nice thing and made a difference in peoples lives. Thats what they will remember when they think about you. Don't be too hard on yourself or your motives...you sound to me like someone who has made and will continue to make significant changes in their life as you take it back. You are trying to connect to your family as the the person you really are and that may have some bumps along the way but you are doing so great.

Liz,

When I asked my cousin for her advice, she mentioned that last year there was some friction between my mom and my aunt over the whole birthday thing. I don't know how severe the argument got but I do remember times in the past where they had a spat and weren't talking to each other for a period of time. Because of that, I wanted so much to make this work and I'm so glad it did. Maybe coming back into their lives, albeit a different person than they knew before, helped fill a space in their hearts that they were missing.

I'd like to say that I can only hope that future occasions will go as well but I already know that they will and I'm looking forward to them! Thanksgiving is coming up soon. Maybe I should offer to host it at my place. It would certainly be another big step.

Revisions

Recently, in a conversation with @Steph2.0 she mentioned that I am like a version 2.0 of myself. Thinking about that, I can honestly say that I'm more of a version 4.0.

Version 1.0 - George - Birth through leaving high school. Became the awkward fat kid everyone found to be an easy target. Became withdrawn and distrustful of nearly all other people. Did a little bit of crossdressing in my mom's clothes before becoming too big to fit in them. Had a small wardrobe of found clothes but purged out of fear of discovery.

Version 2.0 - Ferret - Age 25 - 27. Moved out on my own, got depressed and anorexic and lost 100lbs in 9 months. Got into the goth scene and learned how to revel in my awkwardness while developing a strong "mental middle finger". Very happy with myself after passing the rough parts. Grew nails out and kept them sharpened to points because I liked having claws. Had a few skirts I wore to clubs but never went fully femme while being out and had wondered at the prospect of being a woman but summarily dismissed it as impossible.

Version 3.0 - George - Age 28 - 45. Moved to Central Florida and slowly backslid into obesity, caring less and less about what was happening with my body, eventually ending up just under 300 pounds. All old, now-too-small femme clothes buried deep in closet. Wore cargo pants and t-shirts most of the time and eventually got tired of shaving all the time and just let it grow into an unkempt beard, carved off with hair clippers and a #2 guard every month or so. Also known as BFG (Bearded Fat Guy) phase. Crossdressing started up again as almost an addiction and began building a wardrobe of "larger" clothes that would fit.

Version 4.0 - Cassie - Age 45 - ? Finally accepted just who I am and what I wanted to do. I took that first step and haven't looked back. This version is still very much a work in progress but so far so good. Purged the other, male wardrobe this time.

Connections

Lately, in the process of reconnecting with family members, as I've been posting about recently, I've also been reconnecting with people who knew the Version 2.0 of me. I ran into a few at a party I went to several months ago and also at a few of the club nights I've gone to. We became friends on Facebook and through that, other old friends found me and quickly figured out who they were looking at, since the face I have now is only slightly different from the one they remember. To some folks I've met more recently, my transition and all of the changes that have come along with it has presented them with a completely different person than the one they met and they registered varying levels of shock when I came out to them.

Folks from Version 2.0 of me, not so much. Some of them saw what was within me even when I didn't or at least, refused to acknowledge it. Reconnection with them has been easy so far.

The thought has crossed my mind of whether or not I should seek out the people who knew Version 1.0 of me. When I moved out of the area, I pretty much broke all contact with the people I had known from high school and shortly after. Social connections just didn't mean very much to me back then. I'm debating the wisdom of just letting that part of the past stay in the past, as they would have no clue just who was standing in front of them. I've looked up a few of my friends from back then via Facebook and found that a few of them are still living in the area I left all those years ago. My mind even conceived of a way to reach out to one of them with irrefutable proof of who I am but still allowing them to decide if they want to reconnect.

My friend, "D" whom I met in high school had inherited a pistol from his dad. Nothing fancy - just something that, back in the 70's, was referred to as a "Saturday Night Special". He left it with me, asking if I could clean it up and get it working. After a while, I got it clean and in working order, but by then we had started to drift apart - I was spending a lot of time with other friends and getting into the goth scene in Orlando and West Palm Beach. Eventually, we both forgot that I still had the thing and it's been in my possession ever since. I always meant to get it back to him but wasn't really interesting in making the effort to do so. I thought that now that I'm making trips down that way to see my family, I could put the pistol in a box with a note containing contact information, knock on the door to his house and leave it with whoever answers the door (an adult though, not a kid of course). This may seem a bit cowardly but it also feels "safe".

Maybe that would open another door and maybe not. I'm still undecided as to whether or not to carry forth with the idea or take a more direct approach, or just forget about it entirely.

Gender Blender

Something happened to me yesterday. I'd call it technically an incident of misgendering but without the accompanying dysphoria.

I was in my car, heading to work and got a phone call from the receptionist at one of our buildings. She said the cable guys were there and needed access to one of the wiring closets. I told her that I was mired in traffic and it may take 15 minutes or so to get there. When she relayed that to the cable guy, she told him (jokingly on my behalf) that "You need to buy him...her... He...she says you owe her lunch".

This fellow has only met Cassie and I'm not sure how much he knows or has guessed. His helper was giving me a gaping, open-mouthed stare last Monday, that I noticed out of the corner of my eye - probably because I had saved up 3 days worth of white stubble for my HNT appointment the following day. Not that it makes a huge difference - we're paying them to do a job and thus far, he's used nothing but the correct pronouns in reference to me. I haven't seen his young apprentice since that day though.

Getting back to the aforementioned misgendering, I felt like I should be upset about it. The pronouns came in such a dizzying word-salad, however, that I found it almost impossible to follow and ended up laughing about it after ringing off.

Quote from: SassyCassie on September 26, 2018, 04:03:33 PM
Gender Blender

Something happened to me yesterday. I'd call it technically an incident of misgendering but without the accompanying dysphoria.

I was in my car, heading to work and got a phone call from the receptionist at one of our buildings. She said the cable guys were there and needed access to one of the wiring closets. I told her that I was mired in traffic and it may take 15 minutes or so to get there. When she relayed that to the cable guy, she told him (jokingly on my behalf) that "You need to buy him...her... He...she says you owe her lunch".

This fellow has only met Cassie and I'm not sure how much he knows or has guessed. His helper was giving me a gaping, open-mouthed stare last Monday, that I noticed out of the corner of my eye - probably because I had saved up 3 days worth of white stubble for my HNT appointment the following day. Not that it makes a huge difference - we're paying them to do a job and thus far, he's used nothing but the correct pronouns in reference to me. I haven't seen his young apprentice since that day though.

Getting back to the aforementioned misgendering, I felt like I should be upset about it. The pronouns came in such a dizzying word-salad, however, that I found it almost impossible to follow and ended up laughing about it after ringing off.

Being able to laugh it off is really important and I think in this case the person was trying so hard to get it right...eventually getting there...they could easily be taken the wrong way and it blow a large chunk of your day. maybe the changes you have already made in your life are giving you the ability to laugh a bit more these days...I know they have for me..

Take care
Liz

Quote from: LizK on September 27, 2018, 07:07:26 AM
Being able to laugh it off is really important and I think in this case the person was trying so hard to get it right...eventually getting there...they could easily be taken the wrong way and it blow a large chunk of your day. maybe the changes you have already made in your life are giving you the ability to laugh a bit more these days...I know they have for me..

At this stage of my life, I can withstand a bit of misgendering in certain situations without it completely wrecking my day like it used to.

I'm right there with you on that, sister! There is a whole variety of things which would have infuriated me in the past. These days, I can just let them roll off me like water off a duck's back. Sometimes, I even have a bit of a laugh at thinking just how my past self would have reacted to that situation.

Speaking of formerly infuriating situations, one thing that still amazes me. Previously, when small children were present and making all the usual children-noises, I used to get so annoyed. As I got further and further along in my transition, that changed pretty quickly to more of an indifference and then to a stage where if I find myself the object of a small child staring, I'll smile and give them a little wave, and it's not forced at all! It's just something that feels natural. Something else I've noticed, as time has gone by, is that if there is a small child nearby that is crying, I can't help but feel a little bit concerned, where before all I felt was anger.

Even this far along, every day holds new and wondrous things to discover!

Friday Night Football

This past Friday night, I went to a football game ON PURPOSE!

Normally, I'm not much of a fan of any kind of sportsball but this was a special case. I was asked to take aerial photos of a high school football game in progress at our newly-remodeled stadium. The purpose of it is for some promotional pictures of the stadium in order to attract organizations that might want to advertise on the scoreboard. Not that I really get who might want to pay for an ad on a high school football stadium scoreboard but, whatever. It gets me more flight time and I get to do a part of my job that I really enjoy!


Of course, something I usually do (but sometimes forget) is to notify our local PD that I'm going to be shooting some aerials from the drone, in case they get calls from anyone. People are sooo paranoid about drones these days (yet oddly oblivious to the cameras that are literally everywhere). During an event like this where people will be there with their kids - you bet I called in my "flight plan". I'm almost curious as to how many calls they got that night. I must have had the drone in the air for a total of at least 25 minutes, scooting around the perimeter of the stadium.

It seems like my "uniform" for these flights is most often a sleeveless top and some variety of skirt - nice and comfy for working outside.

Now that I think about it, I've been getting a lot more of these requests lately. I think it might be because word is getting around that we can produce good-quality aerial photos of just about anything...and Cassie is the one to ask about it. It's one of those "wow" moments, realizing that this is "my" reputation that I've built. It's not "his".

Kind of blows my mind.

Stabby stabby! *** UPDATED ***

An amazing thing happened today. I picked up my first vial of Estradiol Valerate at the pharmacy. I tried to do this about 5 or 6 weeks ago and ran into the roadblock of the still-ongoing shortage. This time, I did my homework and found out a few things, which ultimately ended in this moment:
(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/lfjwssnt0c8kpgv/the%20eve%20of%20EV.jpg)
This coming Thursday 10/4 (Good Buddy?), I get my first injection at the doctor's office. I mean, I've got the syringes and the vial, I suppose I could just stick myself and get on with it. I'm not worried about lacking the ability to go through with it. I did two of my own ear piercings after all but since there is a potential for a negative reaction to the carrier fluid, I'll wait until I'm at a place where they can catch me if I fall down or administer whatever other care might be needed in the case of a mishap.

The significant part of this story isn't about me, however. It's how I found out the EV is available again. I learned of a compounding pharmacy in Oregon that is able to produce the injectable EV, up to 40mg/ml. I'm sure other folks know about this already and posted it elsewhere but I have very little time to trawl through threads on here. After all, I'm too busy on here just talking about meeeee!! Back to it: I contacted the pharmacy (via phone, so I had to eat a toad) and they told me that they have the 40mg/ml in stock but it expires in January and they will not be producing it any longer because they're not allowed to do so while the name-brand (Delestrogen) is available.

Wait, WHAT? Really?

I thanked her profusely for the information and immediately got on the phone to my pharmacy. I asked for the pharmacist in charge (she's been wonderful for me - even gave me a hug when I had gotten my name changed), but she wasn't in that day. I asked about availability of Delestrogen and, after a brief delay, found that not only was it available but there are stocks of the generic Estradiol Valerate available as well! Squeee!

30 minutes later, I was in my HRT doctor's office, relaying this information to her and she agreed to send the prescription over to the pharmacy. We scheduled my "training" session with one of her nurses and I was off to freely float among the clouds for the rest of the day!

My heart must have skipped a beat when the text arrived, telling me that the prescription had been filled and was waiting for pickup. Of course, with the photo shoot at the football game, I wasn't going to be able to pick it up until Saturday. Until then, I had a hard time believing it was real - that is, until I had the actual vial in my hand, as you see in the picture.

I shared all this with Stephanie and even showed her one of the syringes. I told her that, according to the videos I had watched on YouTube, it was a fairly simple process - Pinch, Poke, Pull, and Push. Time will tell how that goes for me in practice but I'm optimistic. Hopefully this will finally get my E level where it needs to be.

UPDATE

Well, I survived the first injection without any apparent ill effects. I even did the first one myself. The funny thing about that (at least as funny as stabbing yourself with a needle can get) is that when I had the needle all loaded up and poised to strike, I hesitated. For a moment, it felt like I was physically incapable of making my hand move in the stabbing motion necessary to deliver the injection.

I looked up at the nurse and said, "I don't get why I'm hesitating - I pierced my own ears, for crying out loud."

The hesitation turned out to be fleeting as I plunged the needle into the muscle of my thigh. It didn't hurt nearly as much as that little voice in my brain said it would. It took some time to get all of the EV into me, as it was a fairly thin (25 gauge) needle. With any luck, in two weeks I should be able to do this without the hesitation.

We'll see!

Screaming in anger, screaming in terror
(Texts sent to @Steph2.0 )

Hey, I'm sitting in the Starbucks in Target and I'm a little freaked out right now.

Don't panic though. Nothing bad happened - at least not to me.

When I got here, I went into the Target app to take a look at this week's flyer and see if there were any deals on cat stuff.

I paged past the Halloween stuff with all the cute kid pictures in it and then I paused at the baby section. That started a "What if" cycle that started getting me a bit misty.
When I got out, three parking spaces over, there was a guy, I guess trying to belt a crying baby into the car. He sounded angry and was saying something like, "look at your mom" or something like that. Then he started screaming at the baby who of course, only cried louder. The distress in the cries was unmistakable.

I wondered if I should say something or just keep walking. I'm a bit ashamed to admit that I just kept walking.

That's what has me freaked out.
I feel kind of bad for not intervening, but I'm afraid of what might have happened if I had.

I know that scenario all too well. The right thing to do is to ease the distress, unfortunately, all kinds of bad things occur when intervening. I tend to do the same, keep walking or become the target (no pun).

The stresses in today's world do not allow for friendly helpful interaction, unfortunately

@SassyCassie   @Faith
I tend to not be so worried about the reactions of others when I intervene....   for me, and just me, I would have walked over to the car and mentioned how frustrationg it must be for him and then asked the guy if I could help... I guess that I could be courting danger but that is how I am wired.

I also verbally speak out when in the restrooms... when people will come out of the stalls and head directly toward the exit door....    if I am washing up or touching up my makeup or hair, I will speak right up and say something like,  "Hey the sinks are right here with soap and water"  or something like  "What, are not going to wash your hands?"
I have obviously gotten some bad responses and fingers flipped at me, but also I sometimes get some apologetic response and they head for the sink.

All of us need to be careful out there, there are plenty of people on the "edge' that would do us harm for even looking at them cross-ways.

Living dangerously and boldly, 
Hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on October 08, 2018, 12:26:50 PM
@SassyCassie   @Faith
I tend to not be so worried about the reactions of others when I intervene....   for me, and just me, I would have walked over to the car and mentioned how frustrationg it must be for him and then asked the guy if I could help... I guess that I could be courting danger but that is how I am wired.

I also verbally speak out when in the restrooms... when people will come out of the stalls and head directly toward the exit door....    if I am washing up or touching up my makeup or hair, I will speak right up and say something like,  "Hey the sinks are right here with soap and water"  or something like  "What, are not going to wash your hands?"
I have obviously gotten some bad responses and fingers flipped at me, but also I sometimes get some apologetic response and they head for the sink.

All of us need to be careful out there, there are plenty of people on the "edge' that would do us harm for even looking at them cross-ways.

Living dangerously and boldly, 
Hugs,
Danielle

I guess I'm still a bit shy about engaging in stressful situations like this. Part of me wonders if its a fear that the old temper will reassert itself and make a bad situation even worse. In the past, if violence erupted nearby and I wasn't the subject of someone else's ire, I'd just stand by and be prepared to defend myself if necessary.

I don't know for sure if that will happen and I suppose, I won't know until actually tested. The only other time since starting HRT that I was around flaring tempers, an actual fight broke out involving a member of our party. My natural reaction was to stay out of the way and afterward, I had the same freaked-out feeling as this more recent event.

Still, every reason I can come up with for having just walked away just seems so disingenuous to my inner ears. I don't know. Maybe I'm just not as outgoing as some folks.

I here you Cassie. It's hard to say what would have been the right thing to do. I guess I wouldn't say anything if the guy wasn't physically violent. Verbal abuse would be difficult to prove unless you had your phone out and the guy really disgustingly abusive. But something always clicks in my brain when I see someone being physically violent to a defenseless child. Probably a good trait because I would have the police there so fast. Nobody wants to see an abused child in the evening news.

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on October 08, 2018, 12:26:50 PM
I also verbally speak out when in the restrooms... when people will come out of the stalls and head directly toward the exit door....    if I am washing up or touching up my makeup or hair, I will speak right up and say something like,  "Hey the sinks are right here with soap and water"  or something like  "What, are not going to wash your hands?"
I have obviously gotten some bad responses and fingers flipped at me, but also I sometimes get some apologetic response and they head for the sink.

Here I thought men were supposed to be the gross ones. ;)

Quote from: Jennifer M on October 09, 2018, 10:32:20 PM
Here I thought men were supposed to be the gross ones. ;)

I thought so too, but I was in a stall in a state park on Sunday and could hear at least two women leave their stalls and hit the door without washing their hands. How disappointing!

Stephanie

EEEWWWW!!!

Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 09, 2018, 10:34:45 PM
I thought so too, but I was in a stall in a state park on Sunday and could hear at least two women leave their stalls and hit the door without washing their hands. How disappointing!

Stephanie

Oh, I'm sure they were going right back in the water. That counts as washing, right?

There was a club I used to go to in Orlando called "Barbarella" which, oddly enough, had an attendant in the men's room. Sometimes when a guy would finish up his business and head straight for the door, the attendant, being the local voice of health and safety would address them,

"Ain'tcha gonna wash the dick off your hands? Come on, man! Wash the dick off your hands."

When they turned around and washed their hands, he would point to a little tip basket on the counter and say, "Show your love, show your love!"

It was the strangest and funniest thing I had ever seen in a nightclub restroom, regardless of gender.

Quote from: SassyCassie on October 10, 2018, 09:15:19 PM


"Ain'tcha gonna wash the dick off your hands? Come on, man! Wash the dick off your hands."

I just started to catch up with your thread and read this story about the washroom attendant...made me laugh, probably just as well I wasn't drinking something!!!

I also read your post about the guy with the baby. I think under the circumstances "discretion is the better part of valour"  kids will push your buttons all day and that is still no reason for anyone to scream at their kids in  the manner you describe but in this case intervening could have escalated things for both you and the kid. I think I would have done the same as you.

Take care

Liz

Hi Cassandra! I was reading Stephanie's thread post about an article you read from Dr. Powers theory about monitoring Estradiol/Estrone and total Serum Estrogen levels and changing over to Estradiol Vaterate self injections. I was wondering if you have a link to Dr. Powers discussion on the subject? I have an appointment with my Endocrinologist next week and would like to make a copy of it for her. I found a Dr. William Powers Family Practice on FB but I'm not sure he's the same person?

Thanks,
Donica.

Quote from: Donica on October 12, 2018, 03:01:47 PM
Hi Cassandra! I was reading Stephanie's thread post about an article you read from Dr. Powers theory about monitoring Estradiol/Estrone and total Serum Estrogen levels and changing over to Estradiol Vaterate self injections. I was wondering if you have a link to Dr. Powers discussion on the subject? I have an appointment with my Endocrinologist next week and would like to make a copy of it for her. I found a Dr. William Powers Family Practice on FB but I'm not sure he's the same person?

Thanks,
Donica.

Hi Donica,

I'll PM you with a link...and anyone else who would like to read it.

Yes thank you Cassie! I did get it.

Hugs girl!
Donica.

The Medical Middle Finger

Last night, @Steph2.0 and I attended a dinner presentation featuring Dr. Marci Bowers. She was a very engaging speaker and had an interesting story to tell about how she had started out as an obstetrician, transitioned, and having had multiple job offers subsequently rescinded after she was "outed" as trans, had switched to performing GCS procedures.

While all of this was interesting to me and I feel like it was worthwhile to be there, I couldn't help but let a (let's face it, more than a little) tinge of bitterness creep into my heart. Just a dozen feet away from me was a woman, a surgeon who made a career of performing a particular, often life-saving procedure on hundreds of people similar to myself. Yet, due to my particular circumstances, might as well have been on another planet. As I had said in an earlier post, I've basically gotten a big fat middle finger from the insurance company (provided by work) and, by extension, from my employer who made it known in no uncertain terms that they had no interest in including any kind of coverage for the procedures for which Dr. Bowers had become renowned.

Bitter, party of one? You betcha! Frustrated? Very!

After her presentation ended, we sat for a bit and enjoyed conversation whilst the double chocolate cake we'd had (too much of) for dessert settled in our bellies. Stephanie expressed an interest in going over and talking to Dr. Bowers but she was understandably hesitant to do so. Sitting next to Dr. Bowers was someone I wanted to speak to and had similarly lacked the courage in the past few times we had been in proximity to each other. I smiled, took Stephanie's hand and we walked over to the table where they both sat. I went one way and Stephanie went the other way.

After we had left the restaurant, Stephanie told me that she had learned much from the good doctor during that brief but meaningful conversation. I'll leave it to her to write the details about it in her thread...when she wakes up. ;)

At one point, the realization struck that I had had absolutely zero interest in talking to Dr. Bowers. At all. At the moment, I think it was an attitude of "why bother?" since there was absolutely zero possibility of having someone like her perform the surgery that I want and need. That is, not without some radical changes in my life that, honestly, I'm not willing to risk at this point and I understand clearly that that is my choice and mine alone.  In hindsight, I can't help but feel like that was a bit shortsighted but when emotions take over, the choices we make can be...less than wise. It's been almost two years and I'm still learning about all these new emotions that live in my head and my heart.

I feel like some good did come out of the evening. In a negative sense, it reinforced my contempt for both the insurance industry and the medical industry in this country who, as far as I'm concerned, are one-and-the-same since they hold back so many of us with their latex-gloved iron fist. I think that the only reason I'm able to get any kind of coverage for the care I'm getting now (HRT, basically) is that it's being coded as treatment for endocrine disorder. Once the insurance companies are freed from any anti-discrimination laws, it's only a matter of time before they start going after those kinds of loopholes.

It also strengthened my resolve to get everything I need together in order to have the surgeries I want done outside this country. It's the only option I can see for myself - for better or for worse. This is tempered by the reallization that I can empathize (to a small degree perhaps) with thousands upon thousands of other trans folks who find themselves in a similar predicament. I can't say that I fully empathize with those others because I do have the means more or less to make it happen on my own.

I think that this also reveals not only a lack of confidence in the situation we have going on in this country but also a general lack of trust. For the folks who do have their surgeries covered in this country, there's clearly a "rush for the door" because no one has any faith that things will remain stable as they plod their way through the (in many cases) years-long waiting lists for surgeries. Everyone is waiting for the next shoe to drop and I don't want to live like that. I can't live like that and I refuse to.

No offense to the faithful out there but I've heard it said that two hands working can achieve more than a thousand hands clasped in prayer and dammit, I'm working and I'm going to make this happen!

Cassie, I absolutely understand this, and I know how horrible the insurance biz treats us without someone else standing over them with a big legal club.

I recently aided one woman in getting GCS.  She actually relocated to California, where a very tough insurance bureau enforces complance with laws and regulations mandating coverage of ALL MEDICALLY NECESSARY CARE.  That includes GCS, of course.   We got her on a state exchange plan under the ACA, and as an individual (not corporate) policy, they had to cover medically necessary care, including her surgeon.

She had her surgery last month, and is relocating back to northern Florida.

To be honest Cassandra, I would have never considered FFS if it wasn't for the recent changes in coverage from Kaiser. I started transitioning in June last year with only HRT and GCS in mind. I know my facial features need a lot of help but was still willing to make due with the only two choices that most of us had back then. I am now kicking down their door.

Maybe I'm just being naïve but, I think things will continue to change for the better with more and more health insurance companies for the very same reasons Kaiser has changed this year. Who knows what next year will bring. Kaiser has be behind the ball with all the new coverages they must offer but I will remain positive that whey will catch up with the growing demands and know one will have wait so long for care.

I think it's great that you and Stephanie got to attend a dinner presentation featuring Dr. Marci Bowers. I would have killed for the chance to talk with her. I have no idea what I would have said as I probably would have been starstruck.

I know it's hard to be positive all the time but I will not take NO for an answer and I'm going to keep kicking the door down until I get what I need to live a happy life.

Stay positive Cassie! Warm hugs girl!
Donica.

Thank you, Michelle and Donica, for the good wishes and encouragement. I just can't help but find myself to be disillusioned with the insurance industry as a whole. If I didn't live in a state that was, maybe not the buckle of the bible belt, but still largely governed by those who are fond of their little black book.

I hate to sound like a quitter but I've pretty much given up on the U.S. medical industry for anything except routine maintenance. The tragic part of it is that the very same people who bitch and complain about "trannies" who want to mutilate themselves and "expect me to pay for it" are the very same ones pouring pound after pound of sugar and corn syrup down their mouth-holes and routinely get covered for their insulin, CPAP machines, and inevitable amputations as the progression of diabetes eats away at their limbs.

But that's okay. It's the American way!

I apologize if I sound bitter but it's (in part) the wine talking. Actually, it's the wine that's bringing forth an uncharacteristic level of candor for me.

Donica, I guess you must have deleted your earlier post. I did read it but I guess you must have deleted it. I won't bring up details but I had wanted to take some special time to reply. I don't know what it's going to take to make things better in this country but in the mean time, the best we can do is try to lift each other up and encourage everyone in the community to not take any ->-bleeped-<- from insurance companies, petty bureaucrats, or gatekeepers. Of course, I repeat myself repeatedly. We've got to stay strong for ourselves and for our sisters who may be having moments where their strength has fled them. If one of our sisters falls, we've got to pick her up and keep charging forward. We can't go back. We won't go back!

Pink and Denim

One of the ladies at work sent out an email today for a "Pink and Denim day". Over the years I've worked there, I've seen emails like these every now and then. The way it works is that for a donation of $5, folks are encouraged to wear pink and denim as part of a drive to raise money for breast cancer research.

I'm not going to lie - in the "before" time, I noted such emails but never ever felt the need to participate. It was due, in part, to the fact that I owned absolutely nothing pink in color or made of denim. These days were a mere footnote in the darker recesses of my mind.

Things are different now though. When I saw the email hit my inbox, I realized how things have changed over the last, almost two years.

The possibility of prostate cancer is pretty remote these days but breast cancer has become a very real possibility for me now. Maybe that's why that email caught my attention. If I sound like some kind of horrible person then well, that's just how I used to be - for better or for worse.

It hit me that these days, not only do I actually have clothes that are pink and made of denim (though not made of pink denim), but I actually want to participate in something like this because it's a good thing. So much has changed for the better and is changing still.

It gives me hope for the future.

Dining "Out".

I was having lunch with "L" - one of my coworkers from another department.

She was fairly new to the organization, having been with us for about a year. We had become, well, work friends during that time. By now, she's aware that I transitioned on the job last year and I've told her my story. We've even had a girls' day out with @Steph2.0 to get our hair done.

Anyway, "L" and I went out to lunch today and our conversation turned to the surgeries I've been planning to have - specifically the VFS I'm trying to get set up for next year. At one point, she hit me with a stunning revelation:

Periodically, throughout the year, all of the departments are asked to send a representative to the orientation session for new employees, during which they give a short presentation on what their department does for the organization. Most of the presentations only last ten minutes or so and include some Powerpoint slides. Our department is no different. I've been asked to do a few of them in the past but more so in recent months. The difference is that unlike in the "before" time, I've been only too happy to give my department's presentation. I've been seeing it as building my public speaking skills - something I never cared about before.

The "revelation" I mentioned above has to do with when she was in the audience for her new-employee orientation. It just happened to be one of the times I was presenting for my department.

She told me that she had absolutely no idea that I was anything but a cis-woman when I stepped up to the podium for my part of the presentation. She said she was jealous of my toned legs at the time but she had no idea I was trans - in spite of the way I feel about my voice and other shortcomings. Of course, this runs counter to all of the doubts I've had over the last several months.

Just how many changes are going to be enough to quell the doubts? I guess I'll know when I get there. Some have said that transition is a path rather than a destination. Maybe the end of self-doubt will just be a signpost rather than a place to say, "I've finally made it!" If I have made it, I hope that one day I'll start believing that.

Yes Cassandra, I apologize for taking my last post down. I had had a few glasses of wine and I felt that I was wrongly babbling away. I am glad to hear that I was wrong about the babbling part and that you did find something positive in that post. I was so worried that I had said something stupid again.

I usually start babbling too much after a couple glass of wine, but in this case, it opened the flood gates to my deeper emotions and heightened my desire to help one of our fallen sisters. Ok, I'm starting to babble on again and I haven't had any wine yet today.

I'm so glad to see you back and updating your thread again. Hopefully things will change in the near future and the healthcare industry will provide more and more services to all of us.

Big warm hugs Cassie!
Donica.

Quote from: Donica on October 17, 2018, 09:37:05 AM
Yes Cassandra, I apologize for taking my last post down. I had had a few glasses of wine and I felt that I was wrongly babbling away. I am glad to hear that I was wrong about the babbling part and that you did find something positive in that post. I was so worried that I had said something stupid again.

I usually start babbling too much after a couple glass of wine, but in this case, it opened the flood gates to my deeper emotions and heightened my desire to help one of our fallen sisters. Ok, I'm starting to babble on again and I haven't had any wine yet today.

I'm so glad to see you back and updating your thread again. Hopefully things will change in the near future and the healthcare industry will provide more and more services to all of us.

Big warm hugs Cassie!
Donica.

No need to apologize, Donica! What you wrote was so open and said from the heart that it made me smile to read. After all, one of the joys of this life is being able to freely express and experience our feelings. With or without wine.

As to the state of the health care industry, who can really tell? There may still be a thread or two that I can tug on but I'm going to keep moving forward with my plans to go outside the country until something changes with either my personal situation or my present insurance policy. Hopefully future generations won't have to go through all of this.

Hugs back at ya!

I am not afraid any more

This past weekend, @Steph2.0 and I attended the Orlando Pride celebration. We even marched in the parade. It was Stephanie's first time and my second time. Her thread has a nice long post about it here:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,241033.msg2185544.html#msg2185544

Toward the end of the day, we made our way over to the Pride Takes Action tent. In there was a set of video displays, one of which featured a memorial to all of the trans folks who have been murdered this year. Following that memorial was a slide show of various local trans folks holding up a small white board with a message written on it - it could be whatever we wanted it to be. The idea was that the people memorialized in the preceding video no longer had a voice but we can still let ours be heard.

The messages varied widely, from "Disarm Hate" to "I want Bigger Boobs!" (Not kidding about that one!)
This was mine:

I love the pic, both images of you.  And I really love your message!

That is wonderful Cassie. We have something similar in LA coming up soon. I think it's called T-Door? In memory of all  our murdered trans friends over the past year. One of the ladies that works with the organizers of the event is in both of my support groups. I will be attending. This ones going to be a difficult event to attend. I will bring plenty of tissues.

Hugs,
Donica.

Quote from: KathyLauren on October 17, 2018, 03:23:33 PM
I love the pic, both images of you.  And I really love your message!

Thank you @KathyLauren !

Quote from: Donica on October 17, 2018, 03:28:57 PM
That is wonderful Cassie. We have something similar in LA coming up soon. I think it's called T-Door? In memory of all  our murdered trans friends over the past year. One of the ladies that works with the organizers of the event is in both of my support groups. I will be attending. This ones going to be a difficult event to attend. I will bring plenty of tissues.

Hugs,
Donica.

TDOR: Trans Day of Remembrance. I went to my first one of these over at a local college campus last year. There were a few presentations from folks all across the spectrum and we ended with a candlelight vigil at which we stood in a circle, each holding a candle and a card with a name and location on it of a trans person who had been murdered that year. Seeing the size of the circle really helped put things into perspective. Going around the circle, one-by-one we read the name a place written on our card.

This was mine:

Yes Cassie. Thanks for correcting me (TDOR). I did learn of my mistake Wednesday night when I spoke with my friend. I recall now when she first told me about it she did say "Trans Day Of Remembrance". For some reason it didn't click. She asked if I would like to volunteer to help out during the event and of course I said yes. I will be sure to bring lots of tissues with me.

Quote from: Donica on October 19, 2018, 11:32:42 AM
Yes Cassie. Thanks for correcting me (TDOR). I did learn of my mistake Wednesday night when I spoke with my friend. I recall now when she first told me about it she did say "Trans Day Of Remembrance". For some reason it didn't click. She asked if I would like to volunteer to help out during the event and of course I said yes. I will be sure to bring lots of tissues with me.

It's okay. I was totally confused the first time I heard someone talking about "Tea Door" but I got up to speed fairly quickly.

I think it's terrific that you're volunteering for that sad but necessary occasion. In far too many of those cases, TDOR will be the only way those folks are memorialized as their genuine selves, given the frequent misgendering and deadnaming by the media and authorities.

I think I've mentioned in the past where I've always felt like I was apart from the trans and LGBT communities as opposed to being a part of them. In spite of that feeling, I do still find myself going to events like TDOR, the Pride festival, local support/social groups and some others, though I'm not entirely sure why. I felt like it was something I needed back in the early days of transition but now I'm not so sure. Maybe it's an unconscious drive to help others who may be coming behind me and facing some of the trials I've faced.

I don't feel any compulsion to become an activist, to loudly declare myself "out and proud" and I have no desire to start a non-profit of some sort in order to go out and do "great works". I don't want to get in anybody's face, shouting obscenities at them because they don't like that I'm different.

I guess I just want to live a quiet, fulfilling life for which transition will be a mere footnote and the former life involving "him" will be nothing more than a barely-remembered dream. I want to love my family and my fur babies. I want to be kind to my neighbors and just be known as the nice lady next door. I want to fall in love (already did that, actually!) and maybe have an adventure or two.

It's such a simple need yet for us, such a hard fight to get there. One day, I hope we'll all finally be there...wherever "there" happens to be for each of us.

Yes I hear you Cassie. I don't think any one of us wants that much attention. It's just dangerous. I'm too old for that kinda noise.

I think you said it right, I do want to be able to help those following behind me with the experience I gain in my adventures. These are all wonderful and affirming events in our lives and deep down inside all of us is a basic instinct to help others. It's sad that it sometimes takes a tragic event to bring us all together.

I have a lot more time on my hands these days so all of these events help get me out of the house and for me, they are fun to experience, as long as there are no ridiculously violent religious zealots protesting on every corner.

Tea Door! I didn't think of that one. I would have thought it was a trans tea party. I could go for that ;D.

Big hugs Cassie!
Donica.

Quote from: Donica on October 19, 2018, 02:50:21 PM
I have a lot more time on my hands these days so all of these events help get me out of the house and for me, they are fun to experience, as long as there are no ridiculously violent religious zealots protesting on every corner.

I've run into the exact opposite as you. At one point, I was going out to so many events in an effort to learn as much as I could in preparation for transitioning at work. I started to burn out a bit via lack of sleep and so many new experiences which, at the time, all came with a small undercurrent of fear since I hadn't quite developed the aura of cool confidence that surrounds me these days.  ;D

For what it's worth, the Orlando Pride festival seemed to have a larger turnout than the religious protesters had planned on. Either that or they must be having staffing issues because I was thoroughly disappointed in their lukewarm participation in this year's festivities.

That's good news. Perhaps the religious protesters are finally realizing that they have no business being there to begin with. Religion itself does not force opinions and beliefs on anyone. It is solely up to the individual to choose what to believe in. Maybe they are finally realizing that and are thinking, "what am I doing here? Forget you fellow parishioners. I'm going home.". Maybe?,,,,,, Nah. It's hopeful thinking anyway.

Quote from: SassyCassie on October 19, 2018, 03:47:08 PM
I've run into the exact opposite as you. At one point, I was going out to so many events in an effort to learn as much as I could in preparation for transitioning at work. I started to burn out a bit via lack of sleep and so many new experiences which, at the time, all came with a small undercurrent of fear since I hadn't quite developed the aura of cool confidence that surrounds me these days.  ;D

For what it's worth, the Orlando Pride festival seemed to have a larger turnout than the religious protesters had planned on. Either that or they must be having staffing issues because I was thoroughly disappointed in their lukewarm participation in this year's festivities.

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

Cassie, I am very much an activist, in a positive direction.  Oh, I'm still marching in TransMarch every year, a Trans community protest march held the Friday before Pride Weekend in San Francisco.  (Yes, an honest protest march!)

I try to drive folks towards accepting intersectional feminism with a trans spin, in a fairly subtle way.  I let folks get to know me, not as that trans woman, but as that nice person that makes the coffee, bakes cookies and treats, and speaks to church congregations on the topic of the day.  Oh, and I also happen to be a transgender person.   If I can convince a few thousand human beings that I am one too, not a monster, and not a threat, I think I will have done my job.

Here is a Transgender Day of Remembrance ceremony from last year that I worked on.  We held a Transgender Day of Remembrance ceremony during both the 9:15 and 11:15 services at Mt. Diablo Unitarian Universalist Church on Sunday. November 19, 2017.  The short ceremony noted both the significance of the Transgender Pride flag, and the increasing number of murders of transgender persons, particularly transgender women of color.

https://youtu.be/z-1Icz29_jU

Quote from: Michelle_P on October 19, 2018, 05:32:23 PM
Cassie, I am very much an activist, in a positive direction.  Oh, I'm still marching in TransMarch every year, a Trans community protest march held the Friday before Pride Weekend in San Francisco.  (Yes, an honest protest march!)

I try to drive folks towards accepting intersectional feminism with a trans spin, in a fairly subtle way.  I let folks get to know me, not as that trans woman, but as that nice person that makes the coffee, bakes cookies and treats, and speaks to church congregations on the topic of the day.  Oh, and I also happen to be a transgender person.   If I can convince a few thousand human beings that I am one too, not a monster, and not a threat, I think I will have done my job.

Here is a Transgender Day of Remembrance ceremony from last year that I worked on.  We held a Transgender Day of Remembrance ceremony during both the 9:15 and 11:15 services at Mt. Diablo Unitarian Universalist Church on Sunday. November 19, 2017.  The short ceremony noted both the significance of the Transgender Pride flag, and the increasing number of murders of transgender persons, particularly transgender women of color.

Michelle, I have a lot of respect for you, putting yourself out there like that. It shows a level of courage and hope for the future that I suppose I have yet to understand. I'll gladly share with anyone on a one-on-one basis but presenting to large groups is something way beyond me. Well, with the exception of explaining to groups of new employees at work what services are offered by the IT Department.

Earlier, I lamented that no matter the number of people at my job who retire or otherwise move on, word will still get around armong the newer folks about the nice (and only) lady in IT who used to be a guy. From the perspective you mentioned in your post, maybe that's not such a bad thing, in the grand scheme of things. I suppose it can be considered a "win" if it helps humanize us in the eyes of even one person who felt hate through lack of understanding.

I watched your video and the names read during the ceremony still bring up memories of the horrific circumstances of many of those murders.

Keep doing what you're doing, dear sister! I'll do what I can in my tiny sphere of influence. Maybe one day we can get together again and raise our glasses in a toast to a better world.

Beauty versus The Beast
Or
"Why do I attract the creepy guys?"

A little while back, I had one of those amiable "over-the-fence" conversations with someone living next door to me. He introduced himself and talked about some of the barbecue competitions his team has won around the state. He seemed to be a decent guy "of the southern persuasion".

Fast-forward a few weeks and a friend request on the Book of the Face. He must have gone through my entire history (since early 2017, to be exact) on there and either reacted to or commented on a disconcerting number of pictures I had posted. We chatted a bit via Messenger over the last few days and he was, shall we say, a bit flirtatious. I mentioned that, based on the posts he had seen, he knows that I'm trans. He said, "You're still human".

It was all cute and such until last night. I had gone for a bike ride in an effort to de-stress and reverse some of the effects of a sedentary job. When I got home, I was still wearing my workout clothes but didn't really think anything of it as I went about my normal routine of unloading my car and putting out some food for the kitties.

Around midnight after getting cleaned up and settled into bed, I got a series of messages from the guy next door. He had mostly been wishing me "Good mornings" and "Good nights". This time, I got something a bit different.


At first, I thought I shouldn't even dignify this with a response but realized that silence would probably be taken as tacit approval.

I haven't yet decided whether this is one of those "Welcome to being a woman" moments or some kind of affirmation, however unpleasant it may be.

There is always the question of what happens next. Is there another shoe yet to drop?

Quote from: SassyCassie on October 20, 2018, 09:47:34 PM
Beauty versus The Beast
Or
"Why do I attract the creepy guys?"

A little while back, I had one of those amiable "over-the-fence" conversations with someone living next door to me. He introduced himself and talked about some of the barbecue competitions his team has won around the state. He seemed to be a decent guy "of the southern persuasion".

Fast-forward a few weeks and a friend request on the Book of the Face. He must have gone through my entire history (since early 2017, to be exact) on there and either reacted to or commented on a disconcerting number of pictures I had posted. We chatted a bit via Messenger over the last few days and he was, shall we say, a bit flirtatious. I mentioned that, based on the posts he had seen, he knows that I'm trans. He said, "You're still human".

It was all cute and such until last night. I had gone for a bike ride in an effort to de-stress and reverse some of the effects of a sedentary job. When I got home, I was still wearing my workout clothes but didn't really think anything of it as I went about my normal routine of unloading my car and putting out some food for the kitties.

Around midnight after getting cleaned up and settled into bed, I got a series of messages from the guy next door. He had mostly been wishing me "Good mornings" and "Good nights". This time, I got something a bit different.

(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/lrmfxjbspke8izf/Screenshot_20181020-003045.png)

At first, I thought I shouldn't even dignify this with a response but realized that silence would probably be taken as tacit approval.

I haven't yet decided whether this is one of those "Welcome to being a woman" moments or some kind of affirmation, however unpleasant it may be.

There is always the question of what happens next. Is there another shoe yet to drop?

This is the same entity who send me a friend request after Cassie and I had that conversation with him about the barbecue. I texted back and forth with him a little, all simple stuff about his barbecue awards and other light conversation, and he seemed harmless.

But when the "good nights," "good mornings," and waves came in at all hours of the day, I went back and reread some of the things he'd written and realized they could have been taken as innuendo or euphemisms. I quit replying at that point, and when he sent a video of a bunch of half-naked ripped guys dancing to some country song, with the comment, "I'm into country all of a sudden," I got seriously creeped out.

I have the luxury of living an hour away, with reduced chances of direct interaction, but I'm getting concerned about my BFF right on the other side of the fence from this creep. I'm confident she can take care of herself, but this kind of thing sucks, and nobody should have to live with these kinds of worries.

Hopefully it'll calm down, but this is turning out to be a hard lesson in how women have to live in this society. It's one thing to read about it and empathize. It's something entirely different when it's your best friend or yourself that's living it.

I've decided I'm taking part in TDOR this year.

Stephanie

Punching below the Bible Belt

Tomorrow begins a great adventure.

Tomorrow morning, I will stand alone next to a grass strip runway, waiting, hoping that at any moment, I will hear the familiar sound of a Rotax motor approaching from the west. My heart will soar at that sound, in anticipation of my entire body soon soaring up into (just below) the clouds.

Tomorrow, my intrepid pilot, @Steph2.0 and I, the sassy yet competent co-pilot, will embark on a journey of several hours and hundreds of miles - with frequent bathroom breaks because, let's face it, Spiro is effective for what it does but the diuretic effect is a stone cold <Expletive>!

This is all in an effort to eat one of the largest toads I have yet to face.

I and my (for now) wife own a piece of property in southern-central Kentucky. It was where, in a previous life, we had planned to build our retirement home and spend the rest of our days. Of course, that was before I had finally accepted my own truth and made the choice to transition...and she decided that having a wife was a future she didn't want.

Where the property is located is outside a small town in a county whose size could be measured in churches-per-square-mile. Yeah, it's in that part of the south! Back in a previous life, I thought that that sort of lifestyle was compatible with how I was living at the time and I could thrive among these people. After the dust settled, I realized that there was no way I could survive in that environment since, as the stereotype goes, folks in those places are not exactly friendly to folks like me.

That is, if they even become aware of that particular very personal fact. That's one thing which has changed somewhat since I started thinking about how to handle this situation. At the time, I didn't think there was any possibility that I could blend in and be only perceived as a woman. Things are a bit different in that regard now but I've always regarded a visit to that part of Kentucky as a sort of "acid test" - one that will give unequivocal proof that "I have made it". In my imagination, the trip would end in one of two ways - a completely uneventful handling of business and a peaceful journey home or me being pursued out of town by a mob of bib-overall-wearing people crammed into an old Model-A Ford and waving shotguns with some uptempo banjo music playing in the background.

The aforementioned "business" is the changing of the name on my property deed. I plan on selling it within the next year or so and I figured that rather than having to "out" myself at the time of sale and potentially kill the deal, it would be easier to get everything changed now in the hope that the future sale will have no issues relating to my transition. I will of course have to "out" myself to the people in the county attorney's office where they handle the property deeds but I'm prepared for that. They may find it hard to believe that the woman standing before them was who she says she was, in defiance of nearly all of the media-driven stereotypes but she will be armed with a mountain of paperwork that undeniably says she's telling the truth.

Originally, I had planned to just drive up there over a weekend and get it changed, then drive back. That was before Stephanie and I got to talking and a friend was gracious enough to lend us his plane. The plan started to come together for another great adventure for Galaxy Girl and The Electric Diva!

Quote from: SassyCassie on October 20, 2018, 10:24:10 PM
Punching below the Bible Belt

Tomorrow begins a great adventure.

Tomorrow morning, I will stand alone next to a grass strip runway, waiting, hoping that at any moment, I will hear the familiar sound of a Rotax motor approaching from the west. My heart will soar at that sound, in anticipation of my entire body soon soaring up into (just below) the clouds.

Tomorrow, my intrepid pilot, @Steph2.0 and I, the sassy yet competent co-pilot, will embark on a journey of several hours and hundreds of miles - with frequent bathroom breaks because, let's face it, Spiro is effective for what it does but the diuretic effect is a stone cold <Expletive>!

This is all in an effort to eat one of the largest toads I have yet to face.

I and my (for now) wife own a piece of property in southern-central Kentucky. It was where, in a previous life, we had planned to build our retirement home and spend the rest of our days. Of course, that was before I had finally accepted my own truth and made the choice to transition...and she decided that having a wife was a future she didn't want.

Where the property is located is outside a small town in a county whose size could be measured in churches-per-square-mile. Yeah, it's in that part of the south! Back in a previous life, I thought that that sort of lifestyle was compatible with how I was living at the time and I could thrive among these people. After the dust settled, I realized that there was no way I could survive in that environment since, as the stereotype goes, folks in those places are not exactly friendly to folks like me.

That is, if they even become aware of that particular very personal fact. That's one thing which has changed somewhat since I started thinking about how to handle this situation. At the time, I didn't think there was any possibility that I could blend in and be only perceived as a woman. Things are a bit different in that regard now but I've always regarded a visit to that part of Kentucky as a sort of "acid test" - one that will give unequivocal proof that "I have made it". In my imagination, the trip would end in one of two ways - a completely uneventful handling of business and a peaceful journey home or me being pursued out of town by a mob of bib-overall-wearing people crammed into an old Model-A Ford and waving shotguns with some uptempo banjo music playing in the background.

The aforementioned "business" is the changing of the name on my property deed. I plan on selling it within the next year or so and I figured that rather than having to "out" myself at the time of sale and potentially kill the deal, it would be easier to get everything changed now in the hope that the future sale will have no issues relating to my transition. I will of course have to "out" myself to the people in the county attorney's office where they handle the property deeds but I'm prepared for that. They may find it hard to believe that the woman standing before them was who she says she was, in defiance of nearly all of the media-driven stereotypes but she will be armed with a mountain of paperwork that undeniably says she's telling the truth.

Originally, I had planned to just drive up there over a weekend and get it changed, then drive back. That was before Stephanie and I got to talking and a friend was gracious enough to lend us his plane. The plan started to come together for another great adventure for Galaxy Girl and The Electric Diva!

If anyone wants to track our adventures, I'll be posting all about it in the aviation here:  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=239966 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=239966). I'll explain how to watch our progress in real-time, and will be posting updates when I can. This is going to be an awesome trip with my BFF!!

Stephanie

@Steph2.0 @SassyCassie , you two have definitely gotten into the awesome sauce.  That flight north (and back in time) sounds amazing.

Alas, Cassie, I got nothing for the creepy neighbor beyond Be Careful, but you knew that already.  I've got plenty of online stalkers, largely blocked, but I have never had a neighbor doing stuff like this.  It is unnerving.

Stay safe, you two!

Great news Cassie and Stephanie. I downloaded the Flightaware app and am following your progress. You both are lovely ladies and I don't think you will have any trouble getting in and out of town :o. It looks like the flight north was somewhere around 1300 ft? It must have been a great view. I'll be watching for Steph's update's in the Aviation thread.

I've had to deal with a creapy neighor or two but not that creapy. Hopefully he doesn't buy a trampoline and start bouncing naked, peeking over your fence. YUK! Do you own a BB gun? Keep your phone video camera handy in case he does and call the Police. Make it clear to him your not interested. Stay safe!

Donica.

Quote from: Donica on October 21, 2018, 01:28:06 PM
Great news Cassie and Stephanie. I downloaded the Flightaware app and am following your progress. You both are lovely ladies and I don't think you will have any trouble getting in and out of town :o. It looks like the flight north was somewhere around 1300 ft? It must have been a great view. I'll be watching for Steph's update's in the Aviation thread.

We went looking for the best winds, so we're everywhere between 1800 and 5500 ft.

I'll just add as an aside, that this was a really cool way to celebrate a certain special someone's birthday. Just sayin' [emoji6]

Stephanie

Oh dear! Did I miss somebodies birthday?

Quote from: Donica on October 22, 2018, 08:48:51 AM
Oh dear! Did I miss somebodies birthday?

Well to be fair, I was out of town. :D

Sunday was my birthday. We celebrated it with quite an adventure!

Well happy belated birthday Cassie.

Hugs,
Donica.

Cassie,

Seems you had a birthday while I wasn't looking.  Congratulations and my heartfelt wishes for the best in your next year.

Stevi

Quote from: Donica on October 25, 2018, 04:43:22 PM
Well happy belated birthday Cassie.

Hugs,
Donica.

Quote from: Stevi on October 27, 2018, 07:20:10 PM
Cassie,

Seems you had a birthday while I wasn't looking.  Congratulations and my heartfelt wishes for the best in your next year.

Stevi

Thank you, Donica and Stevi! This was a unique birthday celebration that I'll never forget!


@Steph2.0 in her posts, alluded to the purpose for our trip up to a seemingly inconsequential and, arguably for trans folks, dangerous part of the country. In fact, once or twice it was referred to with the phrase, "Redneck Central".

Our final destination was the small town of Liberty, Kentucky where sits a piece of property I bought back in 2012. It was a nice plot of over 20 acres of land which sat partially on a ridge and part down in a hollow, undeveloped save for an old tobacco barn the size of a modest two-story house.

I fell in love with the area and felt completely at peace, walking through the forest down in the hollow. A phrase I keep hearing echoing in my mind every time I set foot on that land is, "There is life here". Being surrounded by so much of nature's beauty makes a mark on the soul that cannot be erased.

I bought it with a loan from my retirement savings. My wife and I had planned to build our retirement home up on the cleared section atop the ridge and maybe a little cabin down by the creek in the hollow as a sort of retreat for myself. The cost of living is so low up there that we thought we would be able to retire well before the infirmities of age really set in.

Needless to say, this was well before I came out as trans.

All of those plans crumbled to pieces at that point. On top of the fact that my wife decided she didn't want to be with me anymore, she also told me that she was had been angry with me for just going and buying that piece of land which only served to enhance the already awful feelings I was having after making both of those decisions without really including her. Once things settled down, we talked over some of the details of our upcoming divorce and decided to sell the Kentucky property and split the proceeds.

There is just one hitch. The deed to the property has my original name on it and I made the assumption that it would be easier to sell if I didn't have to "out" myself to every potential buyer and possibly kill the deal via the prejudices commonly found in such church-ified parts of rural America. I had to get the deed changed and rather than risk inflaming those same prejudices by trying to explain my situation over the phone, I thought it prudent to go up there and do it in person. For me, at least, giving people more than just a voice on the phone has had more favorable results in this kind of sticky situation.

Of course, I had regarded traveling up to this area as a sort of "acid test" of my ability to "pass" or "blend in" (whichever you prefer to use), albeit a potentially dangerous one if the stereotypes are true. As we all know, necessity can make us summon the courage to walk through fire in some dire situations. This was it. I was ready.

Then, along came an idea. Through a delightful coincidence, the plane that @Steph2.0 had built and flown with me on many occasions, was available to us for a few weeks as was permission to use it for a cross-country trip. A plan formed for a grand adventure!

Steph told you all about the trip itself but once we got to Somerset, that's when the test began. At one point, I realized that it was also my first time ever renting a car! Our first stop was the county attorney's office in the town near where my property is. We went in and after a few minutes of conversation with the lady at the front desk, we were brought back to one of the partners in the law firm. As we entered the building, we both caught the scent of cigarette smoke - something which is almost unheard of in Florida anymore. Mental images of a stodgy, bigoted old country boy of a lawyer started running through my head. Much to my surprise, we were ushered into the office of a nice young lady named McKinzee. I explained that the reason we were there was that I just had my name legally changed and wanted to have it changed on the deed. At first, I didn't explain the exact circumstances surrounding the name change but when we got to that point, I said to her, "I...used to be <DEADNAME>." This was of course, after she looked at Stephanie and asked, "So are you <WIFE'S NAME>?" That was a squee moment for her.

After telling her who I was, without missing a beat she asked me if I wanted to make it a survivorship deed or equal parts or something like that. We went over details of what needed to be done and Stephanie and I left the law office simultaneously relieved and elated.

(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/edsud6vpopaimbv/DeedIsDone.jpg)	(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/rb2m2ugre3tuia2/PeppermintMochaCelebration.jpg)
A relieved Cassie with a present for Mom	Peppermint mochas to celebrate!

Our next stop was the property itself. I haven't mentioned that the barn is no longer there. Around two years ago, my wife got a call from the neighbors who lived next door to our property up there. They asked if we knew that someone was tearing down our barn. Needless to say, we had had no idea. After a few phone calls, I finally talked to the Sheriff himself about it and he went to investigate. Apparently, one of the local ne'er-do-wells had told a couple of guys who were in the business of tearing down old barns and selling off the wood, that he had permission from the property owners to have the barn torn down and keep the money from it. After finding out that the aforementioned ne'er-do-well was a member of one of the families that pretty much run things in that county, it was clear that he was reluctant to take any sort of meaningful action. Couple that with the fact that though this was technically pre-transition for me, I had a lot on my mind at the time and all of this stuff took a back seat. Adding insult to injury, The aerial view on Google Maps had been updated right around the time the theft occurred.

(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/wuoj0h8uvs264o3/Thieves.jpg)

(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/jm8bjrm5tth969x/AllThatRemains.jpg)	(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/dkqxfkbfvnai942/BarnWreckage.jpg)
Nature is taking over where once stood the old barn for more years than I've been alive	Twisted scraps of roof metal are all that remain now

As Stephanie and I walked away from the site of the barn, I told her about the retirement plans my wife and I had had...before. We had wanted to build ourselves a little house right up by where the barn was. Further back into the trees, we'd wanted to build a deck overlooking the slope into the hollow where we could have cookouts with a nice place to sit and relax with friends. I didn't get very far into the story before I broke down into racking sobs, barely able to choke out the rest of the tale of the future that no longer was going to exist. We got down by that slope where stood an old tree that had been hit by lightning at some point during its life yet still continued to stubbornly survive, regardless of what fate threw at it. It kind of reminded me of...well, me. That was when the sobbing started again. Stephanie hugged me until it started to pass. I was so glad to have her with me - both for a shoulder to cry on and that I wanted to share with her the story of this part of my life and this particular chapter of it which was coming to a close.

(https://dl.getdropbox.com/s/12oxbqiprr4869i/LonelyOldAppleTree.jpg) An old apple tree stands a lonely vigil where hope for the future once lived.

After mostly recovering my composure and a stop back by the car for more tissues, we went a short distance down the road to where there was an easement on the line between the neighbors' property and mine with a path that led down into the hollow. We walked down the relatively steep path until reaching a crossroads of sorts where we could go up toward the ridge where we had been earlier or the other way which led to where it crossed a gas pipeline. We must have spent almost an hour down there, wandering around and visiting some of the spots that were relatively familiar to me. We took a few pictures down there and shot some video, mainly to record the sound of the creek that ran through part of it.


I knew that when I left this place so full of life, that I would most likely never see it again. After the cathartic cleansing effect of the earlier tears, I found that I was okay with that idea. The path I'm taking does not lead to this place anymore. All that exist here are memories.

Here's to opening the book to a new chapters in life Cassandra. Hold those beautiful memories close to your heart.

Warm hugs girl!
Donica.

Cassie,

Retiring dreams can be heart-wrenching.  While I toss a couple of tissues into my waste basket I will encourage you to focus on the new dream before you.

Be well and be happy,
Stevi

Quote from: Donica on October 29, 2018, 10:58:49 AM
Here's to opening the book to a new chapters in life Cassandra. Hold those beautiful memories close to your heart.

Warm hugs girl!
Donica.

That next chapter has yet to be written but unlike in years past, I'm actually excited to see how it turns out. The future is now so much more than something to just be endured.

Quote from: Stevi on October 29, 2018, 09:30:31 PM
Cassie,

Retiring dreams can be heart-wrenching.  While I toss a couple of tissues into my waste basket I will encourage you to focus on the new dream before you.

Be well and be happy,
Stevi

Thanks, Stevi. I'm eager to see just how things will develop in the days ahead, especially with regard to personal development. I know that I'm far from "done" at this point!

Hey, you need a cab, man?

This past Saturday, I joined my bestie, @Steph2.0 who invited me to share a bit of her world as a volunteer for a local aviation expo. It was the last day of the show yet promised to be the busiest, primarily due to the absolutely terrible weather the day before. This day was cool and sunny - absolutely perfect!

Having never done anything remotely like this before in my life, I had no idea what to expect or indeed, what job I might end up doing. Not very long ago, the prospect of doing something like that would have been unthinkable. The sheer anxiety this would have induced with the very thought of deliberately going out and interacting with random people...well, it would have been off the chart! Thinking about it further, I suppose it would have been because of all the old fears that I'd say something not quite right and then I'd withdraw from further interaction which would just make things progressively worse until it came to an end one way or another. Most likely it would end by me walking away.

This was different. Thankfully Stephanie gave me a guided tour of the place in the morning while everyone was setting up, which helped put me a little more at ease. I told her that I was a little bit nervous, much in the same way as at the wedding we went to recently. I said, "I'm nervous but much like the wedding, I'll finally get tired of being nervous and just jump right in and handle business."

After our quick tour, we came back to the volunteer tent where I was pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed and numbered. Well, not really. The nice lady inside gave me a hat, a T-shirt, a name tag, and a button and said that help was needed with parking cars. I got on my volunteer outfit and headed out to meet with the Field Commander of the car park. On the ride out there in his golf cart, he asked me if I'd be okay with driving one of the golf carts, shuttling people back and forth from the show to the parking area or if I wanted to park cars.

I said, "I can drive a shuttle."

Thinking to myself however, "Have I ever even driven a golf cart before? Well, I've driven a go kart before and this just has an 'LF' stuck on the end. It shouldn't be that complicated."

Before long, I was sitting at the wheel of a 6-passenger gas-powered golf cart and watching for incoming guests.

I got off to a bit of a slow start but before long, I was all over that parking lot, giving out smiles and getting them in return. Unexpectedly, I found that I was really enjoying myself that day, just out practicing both my people skills and using my voice at an elevated volume in most cases.

Only once did I get misgendered by someone. He was a friendly, older gentleman who had said to the people he was talking to, "Hey, I've got to go - he's going to give me a ride". Being in good spirits, this pretty much slid right off my back and I started chatting with the guy when we got moving. From his demeanor, I could tell that he knew he had accidentally called this lady in the golf cart, "he", and was a bit embarrassed by it. The rest of the day, I was addressed properly by everyone I met - I even got called "honey" by one rather energetic fellow.

One of the other drivers was this guy who I would swear was a cab driver in real life. Later in the day as we spent more time at the entrance, we had a bit more time sitting idle. As groups would emerge from the event area, we offered them rides back to their cars. I thought it a funny contrast between the two of us in the way we addressed people coming through the exit. Usually I would ask something like, "Hi, folks! Can I offer you a ride back to your car?" whereas he was saying, "Hey, wanna ride?" I had to suppress a giggle sometimes when I pictured him standing there next to a taxi in the same pose, shoulders slumped, hands in his pockets saying, "Hey, you need a cab, man?"

The brain does some funny things to amuse itself sometimes.

It wasn't until the end of the day that I realized just what a milestone this day had been for me. I'd spent the day talking to people, helping them out in whatever way I could. The enormity of what I'd just done finally hit me. Everything had felt perfectly natural that day with absolutely no awkwardness at all. This is what normal life is like.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               
My eyes started to tear up at this revelation.

This is what the last four decades of my life should have been like.

This is what the next four will be like.

Quote from: SassyCassie on November 10, 2018, 10:43:48 AMEverything had felt perfectly natural that day with absolutely no awkwardness at all. This is what normal life is like. 

Ah, normal life!  Ain't it grand?  :D  Glad you enjoyed your day!

Cassie,

I read the first "paragraph" of your next chapter you have shared with us.  Reads pretty good, I think.

Stevi

Congratulations Cassie! A wonderful update. I'm happy you had a wonderfully affirming day. It feels great doesn't it?

Hugs,
Donica.

The OTHER other woman.
Part 1

Author's note: I wrote and posted this on Facebook back in December of 2017. I thought I had posted it here but apparently not. It's significant because "Part 2" just recently happened.

Back in the mid-90's, I was working as a PC tech for a company based out of Stuart. Well, I say "Company", but it was really only just the two of us.

Our main supplier for PC hardware was a reseller down in West Palm called "PC LAN/VAD". A lot of the smaller computer businesses bought from them, so it was usually pretty busy at any given time. Once or twice a week, we would ride down there to pick up the parts we needed for upcoming installations and PC builds.

During one of our visits, I noticed Larry, the guy I worked for, was talking in hushed tones with Glen who was the sales manager. They were talking about one of the other customers - a woman, which was an unusual sight in the "boys' club" that the computer business typically was back then and to a degree, still is today. Apparently, that woman ran her own PC company and up until recently had been a guy. They were talking something about how her jeans fit or some such. I don't recall the whole conversation. What I do recall is that I didn't dare look at her or even cast a glance in her direction. Until recently, I had assumed this to be out of courtesy and trying to not stare. I guess there was something more - maybe I didn't dare gaze upon what I was secretly hiding for fear of my reaction giving something away. I don't really know.

Fast-forward a whole lot of years to early December 2017. There's a similar shop in Winter Park that sells network and other structured wiring supplies, which I frequent to get materials for work. I also used to go there as my previous self.

Well, the last time I drove over there, I parked my truck, hopped out, slung my purse over my shoulder, and walked in the door. There were a bunch of guys in there, buying and selling and the only other woman in the place was one of the clerks at the sales counter. As I was wandering around looking for what I came to buy, that's when that story about the trans woman all those years ago came to the surface. I stood there for a moment and thought about how now I'm her - years apart but in very similar circumstances. I don't know if anyone in there was talking about me like they were about her all those years ago but the realization of the similarity was a bit shocking.

The OTHER other woman.
Part 2

I had completely forgotten about posting that back in December of '17. I had another one of those surreal moments when just recently, out of the blue I got a message via messenger from the woman I had written about seeing that day:



OMFG, LOLOL  THAT WAS ME , I'm the OTHER woman. Hahaha. After a long absence in the business I'm getting back into it and have a need to go down there. I searched on PC LAN VAD and yours is like the only post about it.

Yah all those guys knew me pre transition and I knew they used to talk, all water offa dux back.  Glen is actually a friend, to whom I haven't spoken in a while (a consummate bollix really, lol) . I believe I first did business with them in 1990. Was your Larry Larry Lazar or crazy Larry...who invented everything?

Well bless your heart Cassandra, you are beautiful both inside and out. So pleased to meet you. I feel I've met my long lost sister to spin a cliché.

I really hope I hear back from you. send me a friend request and by all means peruse my page. I've got quite a  history, T stuff not withstanding.

Kindest regards and Namaste,

Wow!  How cool is that, that she came across your post and recognized herself?  And then contacted you to introduce herself?  It is a small world, and we truly are a sisterhood.

Cassie thank you for writing about your trip to Kentucky and the follow up Shuttle day.  I don't comment much here but I must say that sometimes trips like this are necessary and cathartic at the same time.  You wrote, 

"This is what the last four decades of my life should have been like.
This is what the next four will be like."

You look radiant in the photo.  I'm so happy that you have come this far and obviously grown so much.  I hope your next four decades, (and beyond) are wonderful and you always discover new parts of yourself to relish.

As to your experience in that store years ago and your subsequent post concerning it; you are so lucky to have had the woman mentioned reach out to you.  We never know how our interactions, or non-interactions, will play out.  Now you know.  I'm so happy for you and your new found peace.
Judi

Quote from: KathyLauren on November 12, 2018, 04:27:48 PM
Wow!  How cool is that, that she came across your post and recognized herself?  And then contacted you to introduce herself?  It is a small world, and we truly are a sisterhood.

Maybe we all have stories of this extended sisterhood. As a computer geek, I used to follow online tech news from All Things Digital. They had a reporter named Ina Fried. She was a good writer; I enjoyed her stories. And, I came to find out, she was trans, and was transitioning on the job. I found this out just before I had my initial meltdown and coming out. I've been following her ever since, and she now writes for Axios. Last October, I decided to write her, just for the heck of it:

Me: Ina, I first came to know you back when you were with ATD. I'm also a techie nerd - and transgender. I just want to let you know you are an inspiration to me, and seeing you just being you helped me come to grips with my own authentic self. I started HRT on June 24th and am moving forward with my MtF transition. Thank you for helping pave the way.

Ina: So great to hear. It's one of the things I love about getting to be out and visible. Thanks for sharing and all the best.
All the best on your journey!

It doesn't have the personal impact that @SassyCassie 's story has, but it was a warm encounter anyway. We can all use heros, and Ina, along with the creators of YouTube channels like "A Girl for All Seasons" and "Kristen's Trans Life", along with so many of you here on Susan's, are mine.

Stephanie

Quote from: KathyLauren on November 12, 2018, 04:27:48 PM
Wow!  How cool is that, that she came across your post and recognized herself?  And then contacted you to introduce herself?  It is a small world, and we truly are a sisterhood.

I know right! It was a truly mind-blowing experience when that message showed up. Thinking about it, I wonder if things might have been different for me, had I had the courage to actually step up and talk to her back then. The realization of just who I am and what was really going on inside me may have come decades sooner.

Quote from: JudiBlueEyes on November 12, 2018, 05:48:27 PM
Cassie thank you for writing about your trip to Kentucky and the follow up Shuttle day.  I don't comment much here but I must say that sometimes trips like this are necessary and cathartic at the same time.  You wrote, 

"This is what the last four decades of my life should have been like.
This is what the next four will be like."

You look radiant in the photo.  I'm so happy that you have come this far and obviously grown so much.  I hope your next four decades, (and beyond) are wonderful and you always discover new parts of yourself to relish.

As to your experience in that store years ago and your subsequent post concerning it; you are so lucky to have had the woman mentioned reach out to you.  We never know how our interactions, or non-interactions, will play out.  Now you know.  I'm so happy for you and your new found peace.
Judi

Thank you, Judi! I can't recall a time in my life that I looked to the future with such hope and optimism. Before, the future was just something that happened as I kept rolling along in life. Now though, it's something to look forward to - a place to build dreams. It's tinged with a vein of melancholy by the thought of some of the friends I may have indirectly left behind but ultimately, I have to do what's best for myself and those around me whom I hold closest to my heart.

Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 12, 2018, 08:53:20 PMWe can all use heros, and Ina, along with the creators of YouTube channels like "A Girl for All Seasons" and "Kristen's Trans Life", along with so many of you here on Susan's, are mine.

There's a local trans YouTube creator whom I have come to regard as one of my inspirations for my transition. I think I may have written about this earlier but when I went to say hello to her, I had a complete meltdown. I had already been on  an emotional down-swing and meeting her just pushed me over the edge.

A few months later at the dinner where @Steph2.0 and I got to see Marci Bowers speak, she was sitting at a table across the room from us. When Stephanie went to pay her respects to Dr. Bowers and kiss the ring, so to speak (Sorry, Steph, I *had* to!), I went to talk to the woman in front of whom I had melted down all those months ago. We chatted briefly - that is, after I had apologized and expressed my total embarrassment for that display. She smiled and said that it was okay and she understood. That moment drove home the realization of just how much has changed within me over those months. Back then, it was the tail end of second puberty and it's no wonder I was so fragile.

Of course, there are still emotional highs and lows these days but there's been time to learn how to manage all of these new, intense feelings that had begun flowing through my being shortly after starting HRT.

The Legend of Grizzly Madams

As anyone who has had some type of electrolysis would know, it's necessary to have a few days' worth of growth on one's face before getting it removed. Laser took care of a lot of what I had but because of my age, a lot of what was on my chin and throat was all gray and immune to the laser. Because of that, I'm having to get the rest removed the old-fashioned way: HNT or Hot Needle Torture.

Thanks to HRT and the halting of testosterone poisoning, growth has slowed considerably. Prior to my weekly HNT session, I save up about 3 days of hair growth. This past week however, I ended up with 4 days worth instead. On the day of my appointment (Tuesday at 12:45), I got a call from my director while I was driving in to work. He asked me if I could attend the senior staff meeting in his place since he was in a training class. "Sure, no problem" was my reply before realizing just what I was walking into.

The senior staff meeting is all of the directors plus all of their managers in the same room, reporting to their higher-ups. I'd filled in at this meeting before but that had been the "pre-transition me".

"Oh, <EXPLETIVE DELTED>!" I said, when I realized I'd be walking in there with all that hair. That started up the stress machine and it was all I could think about for the rest of the drive.

Granted, all of the directors and most of the managers know my story but even still. The last thing I wanted anyone to think is that I might be backsliding somehow. They wouldn't know just what a terrifying thought that is to me. I've faced down a lot of my fears during the past two years but that is one that will linger for some time before I can finally put it to rest.

The meeting went very well - thankfully I had decided to wear my hair down that day so exposure of all that unwanted hair was kept to a minimum. Once I got started, focusing my attention on talking about the status of our various projects, that fear just melted away.

Of course, the stress from that morning plus an unusually brutal session of HNT, plus a friend asking me about a misgendering incident I'd had the day before, well...all of that made for a pretty rough day, to the point that I felt like I could have a "lady minute" at any time with little provocation. There's a bit of irony in that statement because in spite of presenting as female as I normally would any given day, I felt very un-feminine which was a distraction that just amplified all of the other negative thoughts.

The meltdown didn't happen though. The day ended and I blew off all but one of the errands I'd had planned and went home to my kitties. After making a simple dinner, I made sure to get to bed early that night. I knew that a big part of why I'd been feeling so emotionally low was due to lack of sleep.

Today was a better day.

I know the feeling Cassie. I have a HNT session this afternoon. Monday was my last shave. I went to the DMV Yesterday to update my name and gender and of course a new picture. An early morning panic and makeup session with lots of foundation ensued. I won't see how bad my new DL picture looks for about 3 to 4 weeks. UGH!

Quote from: Donica on November 15, 2018, 12:44:05 PM
I know the feeling Cassie. I have a HNT session this afternoon. Monday was my last shave. I went to the DMV Yesterday to update my name and gender and of course a new picture. An early morning panic and makeup session with lots of foundation ensued. I won't see how bad my new DL picture looks for about 3 to 4 weeks. UGH!

Really? Why will it take so long for the DL picture? When I got mine done, I was in and out of there in less than half an hour, picture and all.

You got your new drivers license the same day? Wow! Big difference from California. It may be because it's the new Real ID DL. Starting in 2020 we will need either a passport or a Real ID DL to fly anywhere in the US. Of course we still need a passport to travel outside the US. I had to show proof of everything.

Quote from: Donica on November 21, 2018, 03:42:07 PM
You got your new drivers license the same day? Wow! Big difference from California. It may be because it's the new Real ID DL. Starting in 2020 we will need either a passport or a Real ID DL to fly anywhere in the US. Of course we still need a passport to travel outside the US. I had to show proof of everything.

@Donica
Dear Donica:   
I got my new Drivers License the very same day here....
 
Real ID in Alaska is not available until next year on January 02, 2019.

I like your new Avatar/Profile picture, I like the close up of you.

Hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Donica on November 21, 2018, 03:42:07 PMIt may be because it's the new Real ID DL.

That sounds right.  Last year, when I got my license changed to my new name, They printed it off right there, aqnd I left the office with my new license in hand.  This year, when I had to renew it because the old one had expired, they had to send it off somewhere to be manufactured, and it took two weeks to get it in the mail.  The design is totally different, so I'm assuming it is the new security standard.

@Alaskan Danielle (http://@alaskan%20danielle), @KathyLauren (http://@kathylauren)

Thanks for the compliment on my avatar Danielle! Yes, California DMV's seem to be a bit behind the times. They did give me a temp DL piece of paper so I can drive. I don't have any type of picture ID with my new name yet.

I guess all of that makes sense. I think the Florida DLs are not 100% RealID-compliant but still at least have the mark that allows the holder to buy and sell.

Quote from: SassyCassie on November 26, 2018, 11:59:13 AM
I guess all of that makes sense. I think the Florida DLs are not 100% RealID-compliant but still at least have the mark that allows the holder to buy and sell.

Sorry Cassie! I was way off on the time line for my DL. I got it last Friday (Two Weeks). For the first time actually like my new picture.

I heard that the RealID DL won't be available till 2019 in some states. As I understand it, you will need it to enter Federal and Military facilities and for air travel within the US starting in October 1, 2020.

Basket Case

Since the trip to Kentucky with @Steph2.0 which you can read about in my thread here:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,232764.msg2189523.html#msg2189523 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,232764.msg2189523.html#msg2189523)

and in Stephanie's thread here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,239966.msg2186933.html#msg2186933 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,239966.msg2186933.html#msg2186933)

...I'd been thinking about the folks at the airport in Moultrie where we had to land for the night because of bad weather. They had really gone out of their way to help us out that day and we thought it would be nice to send them a little thank you gift. We sent a little gift basket of tasty treats which arrived over the weekend. Nothing too fancy - just some cheeses and chocolates and such.

There was a field for a short message, so we wrote:

"To the wonderful folks at Eagles of America,
Thank you so much for taking care of us when we had to stop due to weather back in October. We hope you enjoy these tasty delights!

Stephanie & Cassandra
Pilot & Copilot
Rans N211R"

Stephanie had mentioned it would have been nice to include the picture of us at that airport but there was no way to do that on the website.
This afternoon, I got a call from their office manager, wanting to thank us for the gift basket. I completely forgot that they had my phone number from when we borrowed the courtesy vehicle that night.

Wow. This is another one of those aspects of the kinder, empathetic and more emotional person I've become. In the "before time", I would scarcely have contemplated doing something like that, let alone actually want to do it. Being thankful to someone and showing genuine appreciation beyond saying "thanks" were foreign concepts. Now it's something I like doing. I didn't have any sort of expectation but that phone call really made my day.

It's one of those little things that just make me so happy to be the person I am now.

@SassyCassie      
Thanks for your terrific update....  I am so happy for you and for Stephanie... you two are so beautiful together, and now you girls are in the mile-high club, with a photo to prove it!!!

Thank you again for keeping your followers tuned in to your life events,
and those life events that include  @Steph2.0 aka: "Galaxy Girl"

Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

Hi Cassandra,

It is an enjoyable treat to watch you continue to meet, get to know and finally accept just how neat you are. The times that we have spent together made it obvious from the start, those qualities that you are just now discovering. I suppose that it is similar for most of us, to be slow and reluctant to accept just how much we are growing into being really neat people now that we have been able to get rid of the old hinderances of life. Keep it up girl!

Take care girlfriend,
Tia Anne

That's a wonderful update Cassie. That was so nice of your and Stephanie to do that. And how affirming to get a personal call back thanking you two. You two definitely left a wonderful lasting impression on them as you do with us.

Hugs,
Donica.

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on November 26, 2018, 03:05:40 PM
@SassyCassie      
Thanks for your terrific update....  I am so happy for you and for Stephanie... you two are so beautiful together, and now you girls are in the mile-high club, with a photo to prove it!!!

We definitely were flying high during that trip! Though this trip, like others before, included some hardship, never once did we worry about what might happen next. Any problems that came up, we handled one way or another.

Quote from: Anne Blake on November 26, 2018, 03:06:24 PM
It is an enjoyable treat to watch you continue to meet, get to know and finally accept just how neat you are. The times that we have spent together made it obvious from the start, those qualities that you are just now discovering. I suppose that it is similar for most of us, to be slow and reluctant to accept just how much we are growing into being really neat people now that we have been able to get rid of the old hinderances of life. Keep it up girl!

Tia,

When I started this journey, I had no idea just how much discovery there would be of this new person I never knew existed. As we know, there is no definitive road map for transition - just a winding path through the forest that each of us gets to blaze for themselves. Thanks to good friends, we don't have to walk that path alone and often in doubt of ourselves. I have to wonder though, if you've given any thought to the notion of Stephanie and I referring to casual, friendly banter with strangers as "Channeling Tia". That's a gift you've given us, purely by just being yourself.

Quote from: Donica on November 26, 2018, 03:44:34 PM
That's a wonderful update Cassie. That was so nice of your and Stephanie to do that. And how affirming to get a personal call back thanking you two. You two definitely left a wonderful lasting impression on them as you do with us.

Thank you, Donica! It's quite a contrast between the type of impression I used to make on people - and one that makes me happy!

Seven Three Zero

Today marks the second anniversary of when I had my first dose of estradiol. It's been 730 days since I first embarked on this journey of transformation and discovery. Two years that began with a single, terrified step and have been punctuated with bouts of joy and despair. More days of the former than the latter are what helps keep me going forward, knowing that this was the right choice.

Looking back through the vast number of pictures taken of myself, I have to think about the earlier concerns about finding no acceptance in the world of the concept of me as a woman. Even this far along, being addressed as "ma'am" "miss" or even "honey" still make me warm inside. I can't say that it's so much a thrill as it was over a year ago but maybe it's just a feeling of satisfaction that all is right and proper.

People have gotten to the point where they don't deadname me except when prompted by an un-corrected entry in their phone's contacts list. For the most part, they've all but forgotten "him", though one of my co-workers mentioned that she missed him a little bit but that she likes me better.

I like me better too.

What the future holds, I can't say but what I can say is that unlike years past, I'm looking forward to what comes.

Happy 2nd eversary , its the little things that go a long way like getting junk mail addressed to me not the old me (still goes in recycling!!!) My first eversary next week btw

Quote from: SassyCassie on November 27, 2018, 03:39:16 PM
Seven Three Zero

Today marks the second anniversary of when I had my first dose of estradiol. It's been 730 days since I first embarked on this journey of transformation and discovery. Two years that began with a single, terrified step and have been punctuated with bouts of joy and despair. More days of the former than the latter are what helps keep me going forward, knowing that this was the right choice.

Looking back through the vast number of pictures taken of myself, I have to think about the earlier concerns about finding no acceptance in the world of the concept of me as a woman. Even this far along, being addressed as "ma'am" "miss" or even "honey" still make me warm inside. I can't say that it's so much a thrill as it was over a year ago but maybe it's just a feeling of satisfaction that all is right and proper.

People have gotten to the point where they don't deadname me except when prompted by an un-corrected entry in their phone's contacts list. For the most part, they've all but forgotten "him", though one of my co-workers mentioned that she missed him a little bit but that she likes me better.

I like me better too.

What the future holds, I can't say but what I can say is that unlike years past, I'm looking forward to what comes.

@SassyCassie
Congratulations on your 2 year HRT anniversary, certainly a very memorable day to celebrate and to remember and celebrate each and every year.

Your update and the things that you stated are so beautifully affirming to not only you, but to others in their own journey.
Thank you for keeping us updated and informed about your life goings-on.
Hugs,
Danielle

None Shall Pass

After an alternately delightful and depressing Thanksgiving holiday, I got some good news in the mail. My passport arrived...finally.

I was a little afraid to open it but when I did, I cried happy tears at the sight of the correct name and gender on this most official of documents. This opens the door for the plans I've been loosely formulating with regard to furthering my transition. Of course, I had to share with my Bestie @Steph2.0. She also got to see the look I had on my face when I first looked into that little booklet.


EDIT: The very same day, I received back all of my documents that I sent to the passport agency - including my birth certificate which I plan to turn right around and send out with a request for correction. Pennsylvania basically requires the same paperwork for birth certificate as getting the name and gender changed on a Florida driver's license.

I want to get this done before someone decides they want to change the rules and move the goalposts further away.

Quote from: davina61 on November 27, 2018, 03:50:38 PM
Happy 2nd eversary , its the little things that go a long way like getting junk mail addressed to me not the old me (still goes in recycling!!!) My first eversary next week btw

I agree! It's a nice feeling to not only receive junk mail with the proper name on it but to also see junk mail with the wrong name on it and say, "Dunno who that is..." right before chucking it in the bin.

I like you better too Cassie!!!

Quote from: SassyCassie on November 27, 2018, 03:39:16 PM
Seven Three Zero

Today marks the second anniversary of when I had my first dose of estradiol. It's been 730 days since I first embarked on this journey of transformation and discovery. Two years that began with a single, terrified step and have been punctuated with bouts of joy and despair. More days of the former than the latter are what helps keep me going forward, knowing that this was the right choice.

Looking back through the vast number of pictures taken of myself, I have to think about the earlier concerns about finding no acceptance in the world of the concept of me as a woman. Even this far along, being addressed as "ma'am" "miss" or even "honey" still make me warm inside. I can't say that it's so much a thrill as it was over a year ago but maybe it's just a feeling of satisfaction that all is right and proper.

People have gotten to the point where they don't deadname me except when prompted by an un-corrected entry in their phone's contacts list. For the most part, they've all but forgotten "him", though one of my co-workers mentioned that she missed him a little bit but that she likes me better.

I like me better too.

What the future holds, I can't say but what I can say is that unlike years past, I'm looking forward to what comes.

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

And congratulations for 2 years of HRT. Squeeeeetears!!!

Quote from: SassyCassie on November 27, 2018, 03:39:16 PM
Seven Three Zero

Today marks the second anniversary of when I had my first dose of estradiol. It's been 730 days since I first embarked on this journey of transformation and discovery. Two years that began with a single, terrified step and have been punctuated with bouts of joy and despair. More days of the former than the latter are what helps keep me going forward, knowing that this was the right choice.

Looking back through the vast number of pictures taken of myself, I have to think about the earlier concerns about finding no acceptance in the world of the concept of me as a woman. Even this far along, being addressed as "ma'am" "miss" or even "honey" still make me warm inside. I can't say that it's so much a thrill as it was over a year ago but maybe it's just a feeling of satisfaction that all is right and proper.

People have gotten to the point where they don't deadname me except when prompted by an un-corrected entry in their phone's contacts list. For the most part, they've all but forgotten "him", though one of my co-workers mentioned that she missed him a little bit but that she likes me better.

I like me better too.

What the future holds, I can't say but what I can say is that unlike years past, I'm looking forward to what comes.

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

I agree Cassie! I've been in high gear the past two months trying to get things done. I've sent 3 request to my Auto Insurance company to change my name and gender. I have yet to hear back from them. I think I'm just going to go through AAA they're cheaper and have more coverage anyway.

Quote from: SassyCassie on November 27, 2018, 03:57:34 PM
None Shall Pass

After an alternately delightful and depressing Thanksgiving holiday, I got some good news in the mail. My passport arrived...finally.

I was a little afraid to open it but when I did, I cried happy tears at the sight of the correct name and gender on this most official of documents. This opens the door for the plans I've been loosely formulating with regard to furthering my transition. Of course, I had to share with my Bestie @Steph2.0. She also got to see the look I had on my face when I first looked into that little booklet.

(https://drive.google.com/uc?export=download&id=15xCOfdqsnefd0hTU5gT3myfGWSD_sQnZ)

EDIT: The very same day, I received back all of my documents that I sent to the passport agency - including my birth certificate which I plan to turn right around and send out with a request for correction. Pennsylvania basically requires the same paperwork for birth certificate as getting the name and gender changed on a Florida driver's license.

I want to get this done before someone decides they want to change the rules and move the goalposts further away.

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

Quote from: Donica on November 27, 2018, 05:08:37 PM
And congratulations for 2 years of HRT. Squeeeeetears!!!

Thank you!

Quote from: Donica on November 27, 2018, 05:15:51 PM
I agree Cassie! I've been in high gear the past two months trying to get things done. I've sent 3 request to my Auto Insurance company to change my name and gender. I have yet to hear back from them. I think I'm just going to go through AAA they're cheaper and have more coverage anyway.

That's odd about the insurance. Both my homeowner's and auto insurance policies were relatively easy to get changed over. For what it's worth, I'm using Progressive for my car insurance.

Have you had any difficulty emotionally with having to "out" yourself for each of these name changes or is it helping to keep the goal in mind and knowing that you'll only be doing it once for each one?