So I recently had my first therapy session and it went really well. Along 2 hours I had the opportunity to tell most of what's been going on with me over the last four decades.
Now, I feel a new and incredible urge to go to the sessions as Sarah, instead of the androgynous male-version of me. I would still ask the therapist if she's okay with that (before you say that I'm entitled to that and don't have to ask permission, let me just say that it's in my nature... I don't like to impose... but that's not what worries me).
What I am terrified at, is going to the session dressed as Sarah (it would be the first time I go out as a woman in broad daylight) and looking simply like a guy in women's clothes. Below is a photo taken today with light make-up. Do you girls think that I'm still very far away from... well... I won't dare to say "passing" but at least not drawing too much attention?
Or do you think that it would be better to wait for some more effects of HRT (started almost 5 months ago) and eventually FFS, which I plan to do sometime along the first months of 2018?
Thanks beforehand for your honest feedback.
Peace & Hugs, Sarah(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170707/a34d4029e378b4cea164c319f84fd62b.jpg)
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You definitely look good. Maybe you could wrap your headscarf a little lower, but you look good
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Sarah,
You are ready to go to your session when you feel you are. It is not in how you look on the outside but how you feel on the inside. That is what your therapist is concerned about. If you go as Sarah your therapist will take that as further confirmation of who you are inside.
As for how you look Sarah, you look good enough to go out as Sarah. You look a far sight better than I do and I have been running around in public from one side of the USA to the other and at present halfway back again. Getting out and doing it is what will get you more comfortable with being who you are in public more than how you think you look will. Go for it, your looks will only improve as your confidence does. You feel you are a woman inside, then be one outside girl.
Hugs,
Laurie
I think you look good, too! I'm not on HRT yet (apt on the 18th!!!!), but I went to my last therapist session as Sarah, and will be again on Monday. I just showed up that way with no warning, & she was happy for me!
I say go for it!
A very reasonable question, and something I've mentally bandied about. IMHO, there'd be nothing remarkable about your appearance, you pass just fine to a casual observer. Make me put on my jellies. :D
Thanks Elkie and Laurie. Your words mean a lot to me. Laurie, you gave me an idea... I live not too far away from the river Schelde (Belgium) and there's a really nice promenade along the river, not too busy... Maybe I'll go there just to get a taste of how it feels to be in nature as I was meant to be. There are people walking and cycling, but it certainly not crowded. Hummm... Good idea. 😊
Hugs, Sarah
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Sarah, if you feel the urge to go to the next session as yourself, then you should do it. Don't worry about how you look. Your face has some quite feminine features: beautiful cheekbones, for example. You will not attract undesirable attention.
Your therapist will be happy to see you dressed as yourself.
Going out alone the river promenade is an excellent idea to get used to the feeling!
Quote from: Sarah_P on July 07, 2017, 01:47:15 PM
I think you look good, too! I'm not on HRT yet (apt on the 18th!!!!), but I went to my last therapist session as Sarah, and will be again on Monday. I just showed up that way with no warning, & she was happy for me!
I say go for it!
Hummm... You're really this close to convince me to go to the next session as Sarah. [emoji6] For more than 40 years I was taught to feel nothing but shame about this... so it's difficult, from one moment to the other, to just drink all that freedom! But it is sooooooo tempting. My next session is next Tuesday... Will I dare? I'll keep you posted! [emoji12]
Hugs, Sarah
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You could always dress in male clothes and get changed there, or wear a layer of male clothing on top.
I think you've already crossed the line with an androgynous look. Were you scared to start dressing androgynously? Did you fears materialized?
I'd say take a day and spend it as Sarah. If you aren't comfortable - go a little away from your home, so that you don't bump into your neighbors (but not too far to get lost).
The more you're out, the easier it goes. First time it is exciting and scary, 100th time it's business as usual. Your therapist is a safe choice to be your first time, but that river walk might be a better place to be your 1st
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Quote from: AnonyMs on July 07, 2017, 02:04:12 PM
You could always dress in male clothes and get changed there, or wear a layer of male clothing on top.
I see your point, AnonyMs, but... It would have been an idea but it would only make the matter even clumsier... Naaa... If I go, I think I'll step outside home already dressed as a full-fledged Sarah. Inside my head I hear voices saying: "You, girl, are totally nuts... but you should do it!" [emoji23]
N.B. No, I don't really hear voices... lol
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Why not (hearing voices) its good to talk to some one sensible.
Quote from: davina61 on July 07, 2017, 02:15:56 PM
Why not (hearing voices) its good to talk to some one sensible.
Good point! lol [emoji23]
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Hi Sarah. I think you look very passable. You remind me of Pamela Rabe.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FufsYi71d.png&hash=d6445e9d2425fbaae4f7ce3d481d53f6b7347c1b)
Sarah you look very beautiful and with feminine features like your cheekbones you shouldn't have any problems. I've been to my therapist twice as Balerie and the rest of the time in male mode. Those two times, my therapist saw me way more relaxed, happy, and content because I was being myself. Your therapist won't have any issues as it is a true representation of who you are.
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Quote from: elkie-t on July 07, 2017, 01:32:01 PM
You definitely look good. Maybe you could wrap your headscarf a little lower, but you look good
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I agree 100%.
Sarah, the hardest part will be in letting go of your old self, and allowing your new self to shine. In time, you may be afraid to go out as anything other than a woman. You won't know how natural it will feel until you do it.
Thanks for your very encouraging replies, girls! I'm convinced! I'll do it! Next tuesday I'll be headed to my appointments (therapist and endocrinologist) as Sarah!
I never have step foot outside as Sarah, you know... Well, only once, at night, with my wife and nobody could see me, so it doesn't really count.
So with no further ado, yesterday (unfortunately almost at dusk) I went for a little car ride to downtown, as Sarah... Yeah, I still was encased in a shell (car) but some people saw me quite closely and just kept going with their lives. Felt good... See evidence, below (coming back home). That smile says an awful lot, let me tell you... [emoji6]
Today, as previously said, I'll be walking along a promenade by the river Schelde (I live in Belgium, but that place I'm thinking to visit is in Holland, about 30 minutes from home). Oh my... I can already feel the adrenaline rush! [emoji4]
And finally the "D" day (D from Dinsdag, Tuesday in Dutch)... The appointments. I can't help but doing it. It's instinctive, really. Wow...
I promess to keep you posted. This is such a big deal in my life. A milestone.
Oh! In case you wonder, lately, my "androgynous male-mode" has been something along the lines of the photo where I'm wearing the flat cap... i look like some naughty girlish boy. I regularly notice some people giving me second looks at the mall (mostly old men)... Weird... I guess they think "Ah... Our world is lost..." lol
Big, enormous, gigantic warm hugs to you all!
Sarah(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170708/248487f4f30c649c44f9e5b0c704881f.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170708/271553f3b493916c1245c1989ab2308c.jpg)
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Edited: girlish boy pic was way too big... sorry!
I think you look feminine you look good
You look great! I know you feel the man in you but like me just be the best woman you can be! 90 percent of people don't look and don't care! Just put love of self along with the best makeup you can do! Keep you eye on what and where you have to go. Life is great! Enjoy it! I'm 61 with full A cup! I want C's. I'm full time in woman's jeans tight tops. I'm about enjoying my time!
Keep you self in shape! Don't treat your body like a rusty dump truck!
Live life, be the best you can! We are lucky to live in this time. Not 40 years ago!
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Try to visually hide your forehead. And maybe bright pink or red lipstick to draw attention to your lips. (My favorite is L'Oreal - it tastes good and you want to apply it more and more). Also - don't cover your A(at most?) breasts with heavy jackets - you need to show what you got, maybe wonderbra or some push-up bra and make sure it shows through your top or blouse. :)
It's beautiful that you go natural, with no shape enhancing forms and wigs, but you might choose clothes enhancing your assets, directing eye sights where you want it to be directed and adding feminine hints.
And btw, why not to have earrings?
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Quote from: elkie-t on July 08, 2017, 08:21:17 AM
Try to visually hide your forehead. And maybe bright pink or red lipstick to draw attention to your lips. (My favorite is L'Oreal - it tastes good and you want to apply it more and more). Also - don't cover your A(at most?) breasts with heavy jackets - you need to show what you got, maybe wonderbra or some push-up bra and make sure it shows through your top or blouse. :)
It's beautiful that you go natural, with no shape enhancing forms and wigs, but you might choose clothes enhancing your assets, directing eye sights where you want it to be directed and adding feminine hints.
And btw, why not to have earrings?
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Thanks Elkie!
I do have a couple of lipsticks, namely one which is bright red and tastes a bit like raspberry (by Bourjois) but I'm always afraid of overdoing it... My breasts actually fill a B cup (my old A bras sort of flatten my breasts) but I... well... that stupid voice inside asking what will "they" think.
Wait a second... Gonna try something and you'll let me know, okay? Would this be better?
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170708/73313123092d3eb9f6932774a15064f1.jpg)
And about the face (lipstick)... is it okay?
Edit: one more pic... [emoji4]
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Awesome, Sarah! You are rocking that look. Go for it!
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 08, 2017, 11:30:50 AM
Awesome, Sarah! You are rocking that look. Go for it!
Hummm... You're right! The bright red lipstick does match Sarah! Who would have said? 😗
Thanks Kathy Lauren! You're a sweetie!
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It's totally decided: I'll go to my next therapy session as Sarah... and the following sessions also. This will be a non-return point. And I'm happy as heck! 🤗
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on July 08, 2017, 11:45:49 AM
It's totally decided: I'll go to my next therapy session as Sarah... and the following sessions also. This will be a non-return point. And I'm happy as heck! 🤗
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cool congratulations I am happy for you
I went to my therapy session en femme the last two times. The only time I know of that I have been seen. I survived, and am determined to be out and about more often. I did make my debut in front of a room half filled with kids, which really what kid does not ask questions. Like I said, I survived. You will too. You look terrific by the way.
luv Dawn
Hi Sarah,
I love your decision and I think it is going to do you a world of good. Kathy is right you rock that look, girl.
Be sure to tell us all about how it goes and how you felt while being yourself. I bet you'll be a bit nervous but do NOT let that stop you. I've been there as you may have read and ran into a packed lobby the first time I did it but it felt so good to have done it after. And you will too. Just do it.
Hugs,
Laurie
Sarah,
I can only say that for the last 4 months I've gone to my therapist dressed. Even if I'm no way near transitioning, still living full time male and have gone most often even with stubble. If I am particularly worried going sometimes dressed I just wear woman's jeans and a top but sneakers and switch to heels at the therapist's office. More often than not I end up walking out of there in the heels anyway.
Do I get looks, yeah sometimes, beard doesn't help obviously but like others here have mentioned and my therapist repeatedly, I'm much more relaxed, open and honest as my true self.
All the courage to you and do write how you felt after going. I find the experience so liberating sitting there talking as my true self.
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Looks great :) what I like about your photos - you always smile and look relaxed, your lips are puffy, your posture looks feminine (kind of not vertical and stiff male but s-shaped and flexible female). And you know what to do with your hands
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Sarah, with that wrap and lipstick, you look EXACTLY like a woman who works in a jewelry shop I pass every day, and I've never thought she was a trans person.
Then again, she was in a Starbucks I was in last week, and I did notice her looking at me and smiling in an interesting way...
Sarah, I am also thinking that you can experiment with wider neck cuts - v-shape, or just wider women likes to show skin). And also, make sure you have tops in different colors, not only black :) (black is cool sometimes, but not for every day). In a word, have fun, you look young and sexy
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Quote from: Zille on July 08, 2017, 03:12:16 PM
Sarah,
I can only say that for the last 4 months I've gone to my therapist dressed. Even if I'm no way near transitioning, still living full time male and have gone most often even with stubble. If I am particularly worried going sometimes dressed I just wear woman's jeans and a top but sneakers and switch to heels at the therapist's office. More often than not I end up walking out of there in the heels anyway.
Do I get looks, yeah sometimes, beard doesn't help obviously but like others here have mentioned and my therapist repeatedly, I'm much more relaxed, open and honest as my true self.
All the courage to you and do write how you felt after going. I find the experience so liberating sitting there talking as my true self.
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Quote from: elkie-t on July 09, 2017, 03:27:19 AM
Sarah, I am also thinking that you can experiment with wider neck cuts - v-shape, or just wider women likes to show skin). And also, make sure you have tops in different colors, not only black :) (black is cool sometimes, but not for every day). In a word, have fun, you look young and sexy
On the second thought, maybe flowers and light colors aren't your style. You look stylish in black. What I meant to say, you're entitled to experiment with different styles on different days if you want to :)
Sarah, you'll be fine, everyone makes their own choices about how to be out presenting as femme. For my part, I haven't dressed femme in public in many years because while I enjoyed it in one sense, wearing a skirt or dress without tucking doesn't look right and for me tucking felt worse then just going out drab.
Since GCS I was honestly surprised that I finally felt motivated to wear feminine attire again, and I guess my second day out dressed was my last therapy appointment, 2 weeks ago. That felt wonderful of course and I also put the time in to do full makeup. There's no question of passing, I don't between beard and baldness and I'm content with that.
I'd expected to live post op more or less as I had during the year of RLE (en drab with as many feminine touches as I could manage and breasts pretty obvious under my attire), however as soon as I had the cycles to spare I started announcing my name change and dressing femme more often than not.
So far I've only been hassled once - ignorant teenagers in a car. Annoying but I knew it will happen sometimes. Mostly people I don't known on the street clearly don't take note while my friends and co-workers seem to appreciate the changes.
So. My next therapy is also Tuesday, 10 am eastern time, what time are you going to yours? In any case, I'll be thinking of you.
Sarah, you look amazing! The red lipstick really looks good. And yes, you've definitely got the feminine posture down!
Hi Girls!
First of all, I wish to thank you all profusely for taking the time for answering, commenting and giving suggestions. That was really nice of you! I'm sorry for not answering you immediately, but I've just finished a 24h workshift which was all but easy! I'll do my best to answer each of you, but keep in mind that I'm little tired... [emoji16]
Big hugs! I will never forger you!
Sarah
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Quote from: Sarah_P on July 09, 2017, 09:36:44 AM
Sarah, you look amazing! The red lipstick really looks good. And yes, you've definitely got the feminine posture down!
Lol... The red lipstick is kinda cool... I have the impression that it nicely fits my style, my way of expressing feminity. And I reckon that the contrast with the black clothes is nice. I think I will go more or less like that to my appointment tomorrow...
Hugs, Sarah
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Quote from: SadieBlake on July 09, 2017, 08:22:07 AM
Sarah, you'll be fine, everyone makes their own choices about how to be out presenting as femme. For my part, I haven't dressed femme in public in many years because while I enjoyed it in one sense, wearing a skirt or dress without tucking doesn't look right and for me tucking felt worse then just going out drab.
Since GCS I was honestly surprised that I finally felt motivated to wear feminine attire again, and I guess my second day out dressed was my last therapy appointment, 2 weeks ago. That felt wonderful of course and I also put the time in to do full makeup. There's no question of passing, I don't between beard and baldness and I'm content with that.
I'd expected to live post op more or less as I had during the year of RLE (en drab with as many feminine touches as I could manage and breasts pretty obvious under my attire), however as soon as I had the cycles to spare I started announcing my name change and dressing femme more often than not.
So far I've only been hassled once - ignorant teenagers in a car. Annoying but I knew it will happen sometimes. Mostly people I don't known on the street clearly don't take note while my friends and co-workers seem to appreciate the changes.
So. My next therapy is also Tuesday, 10 am eastern time, what time are you going to yours? In any case, I'll be thinking of you.
Hey Sadie! 😊
I share very much you're perspective, although I'm clearly at a much earlier stage than you. In that sense, you are an inspiration for my own development!
Tucking has never been a problem for me, because I don't tuck. I never did... I was that kid everyone bullied in the gym locker because he had... well... you've guessed it: a tiny "wiener". And I mean really tiny. And now with HRT, even tinyer. 😋 I now see that almost as a blessing, although I'm also aware that it will add a level of complexity to "the" surgery... And now, with HRT, the testes seem like two chickpeas - didn't expect it to be so fast, really! So even when I wear slim jeans for women, there's no noticeable bulge. As for skirts, I only have circle skirts because they make my hips a bit broader, which works to my advantage because I feel that I have relatively broad shoulders; as you know, circle skirts are sort of fluffy and you can't see any bulge. Never tried a swimsuit, though... I guess that it might be problematic without some sort of tucking. 🤔
Tomorrow I'll be having my appointment with the therapist at 17:00 (Central European Summer Time)... And I'll sure think of you!
Peace & Hugs, Sarah
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Quote from: elkie-t on July 09, 2017, 07:58:34 AM
On the second thought, maybe flowers and light colors aren't your style. You look stylish in black. What I meant to say, you're entitled to experiment with different styles on different days if you want to :)
Hey Elkie! You're now officially my style advisor! 😉
I have experimented with a number of styles... Broad necks... V necks... Black, pink, salmon, green... I like to wear different styles according to my mood. But there are some clothes that I won't definitevely be using again (long crochet grey skirt... what in the world was I thinking?).
I'm still discovering my style, and I feel that I'm getting closer. I like simple. I love wearing a dark top, skinny jeans, nice lipstick (thanks for you tips about the color!), a cute headscarf (at least for as long as I won't have a decently feminine hairline)... and the curves will do the rest! Yeah, the curves are very much work in progress, but I notice a difference and it makes me very happy. But I also like I like flowers, pink, salmon, mango, as long as there aren't too much patterns... I'll be posting a pic of me in an entirely different style, someday. 👧
BIG hug and thank you sooooo much for taking the time of thinking about my little dilemmas!
Sarah
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You look very much like my best friend Esperanza, and she was an aspiration to me in many things. I'm happy to give it back to you or anyone else
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Ahh, Sarah, I was graced for better or worse with well above average -- I didn't believe that until a gay friend with a lot of time in bath houses told me so. Alas, size is a very mixed blessing when you're fundamentally conflicted about using it. No worries for you though, my doc, not having seen what she was inverting on the morning of the surgery simply said if I came up short, I'd wake with an extra bandage on my thigh.
Anyhow, I'll be just leaving my session as you begin yours, hugs again and enjoy presenting as femme :-)
Hi Girls!
Quick update: it happened!!! 🎆
Oh my! This was one of the most unforgettable moments in my life... The heartbeats just preceding my entry into the clinic... I felt a bit dizzy, but in a good kind of way.
When I entered, the receptionist, which was new, took note of my presence and then I sat in the waiting room. Then, comes the therapist... In the meantime comes the receptionist who had already seen me before as a male... They said "Good afternoon!" and nobody recognized me... lol Then the therapist calls my family name and... well... her face when she saw me! 😂 The receptionist who knew me was so embarrassed that she hadn't recognized me!
Anyways, I quickly entered the consultation room and the therapist was impressed and very pleased that I had taken the initiative of coming as Sarah (she then told me she was already planning on suggesting that I come as Sarah the next consultation...). The session went really well. We delineated the timing of my transition and I told her how I intend to come out at work. We also discussed the issues that hold me back the most (i.e. an ingrained deep sense of shame about presenting as a girl, that was taught to me since I was 4, and my obsession keeping a low profile and not being noticed ("I just want to be an average woman who blend with the whole group...").
Homework: coming out from the comfort of home in broad daylight! I am sure I'll be able to do it!
And then I had my consultation with the endo. Despite seeing me in the waiting room, he too didn't recognize me... He asked the receptionist about patient X (family name) and she pointed to me... Again, that looki in his face when he "got it"! 😂
Anyways, despite good levels under spiro, he changed me to Androcur (it's the antiandrogen usually prescribed in Belgium for MtF); I was taking the spiro on my own initiative and I was following the North American guidelines. I can't complain... At least I'll be taking the Androcur once a day in place of 3 with spiro. All went really smoothly.
And as if my day wasn't already good enough, just before I left the clinic, the receptionist who I knew approached me together with the new one and told me: "I'm so sorry I didn't recognize you... But I wanted to tell you something: we think you look really gorgeous! And we mean it!" They probably say that to many people but... well... I felt in paradise! Floating weeeeell above the clouds!
Thank you all for convincing me to do this! 😊
Peace & Hugs,
Sarah
Edit: minor formatting.
Two happy coming out stories today. That makes the work I put in on the site worth while. ;D
Remind me why you cannot spend most of your time as Sarah? I get it might be hard to come out at work, etc, but you can devote some time - each day when you're not busy, or at least each weekend (if there's nothing exceptional) to girls mode time. And during that time - no excuses for not doing what you need to do but dressed as a girl. After all, you're transitioning, you need to learn to function in your new gender and show your beautiful self to the people night and day
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Way to go, Sarah! Having the courage to present in public for the first time is awesome. To be so gorgeous that no one recognizes you is a sweet bonus. :D
Yay for you Sarah!! That is so awesome! :D
That was wonderful and makes me feel encouraged! Thank you [emoji4]
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The only people who cares about you, and the only one that can truly hurt are those dear to you. Others won't matter and won't care about your looks...
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Sarah, as I left my therapy appointment and you were going into yours I was pondering being out dressed femme (iny context that means non-binary or not passing, take your choice) but how I look to others isn't the point.
Back when I was first exploringy my trans identity I went out dressed in public just a few times, it was always fun, sometimes scary. More often I'd go to private lgbt events dressed and I still do that, but far less often after I decided 15 years or so back not to pursue transition.
Now with the burden of a hard to hide <shenis> gone, I feel completely different about dressing in public, I still have to screw up my courage a bit but I *like* wearing the things that I forbade myself publicly and even denied myself in private. Aside from lingerie, I stopped wearing femme clothing at home -- what was the point? I wasn't transitioning, why allow myself something in private that I felt I couldn't wear in public.
I really am dressing just for myself, albeit certainly with an eye to an aesthetic I actually like and feel reads well.
Sarah, I take you for quite passable and still I can only imagine that going out to meet with someone who knows you in context of masculine presentation carries the same trepidation. We at Susan's can say you're entirely passable however you can't own that until that's validated in person for you as it was yesterday.
Ultimately, I'm dressing for myself, the main thing i care for in my presentation to others is that I have a competent approach to style, makeup etc *** and that I keep the effort going into it inside of reasonable bounds, about 15 minutes is my max investment on how I look for any given day. Most days it's < 5.
Congrats Sarah!!!!!
It is wonderful to bear witness to that point in people's lives when the dark clouds part and the sun illuminates all the amazing possibilities that lay ahead!!!
Onward we go brave sister!!!
Ashley :)
Fantastic Sarah, I bet you feel on cloud nine.
Sara
Quote from: elkie-t on July 12, 2017, 04:30:57 AM
Remind me why you cannot spend most of your time as Sarah? I get it might be hard to come out at work, etc, but you can devote some time - each day when you're not busy, or at least each weekend (if there's nothing exceptional) to girls mode time. And during that time - no excuses for not doing what you need to do but dressed as a girl. After all, you're transitioning, you need to learn to function in your new gender and show your beautiful self to the people night and day
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Well, elkie, it's something I've been working on with the therapist: shame. 😳 Shame was the feeling that was implanted in me since that unforgettable day in the winter of 1976, when a little 4-year old boy began wearing girls clothes, not even knowing why he was doing (it just felt right) and was severely repressed and humiliated. I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was forty years ago... It's the second oldest memory I can recall in my life (the first one being longing to wake-up with a body like my female teacher at kindergarten). So I've been carrying this shame (along with the real me, the girl, Sarah) since then, like a parasite. It's only recently that I began taking control of it and, as you may guess, it's really not an easy task, although I think I've been doing quite decently.
I already am Sarah full-time at home, with all my family (wife and two kids) having lovingly embraced my transition. This step, the other day, of going take a walk along the river Schelde and going to the therapy session "en femme" was, for me, a giant milestone. But I know it's only one of the many...
So... Tomorrow I am planning on going a little wilder and I'll driving to Antwerp, I'll take a long walk on the esplanade along the river and in the city center and will have lunch on one of the many open-air cafés. And it will be as Sarah... A more and more confident Sarah. A Sarah who will eventually let go of that cold winter day of 1976... When I think about all the wonderful voices on this forum, I feel a surge of courage. [emoji4]
I'll try to post a couple of pics of my adventure day in Antwerpen, if shame (grrrr...) doesn't hold me.
Peace & Hugs, Sarah
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Quote from: elkie-t on July 12, 2017, 08:14:39 AM
The only people who cares about you, and the only one that can truly hurt are those dear to you. Others won't matter and won't care about your looks...
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In a philosophical sense, Elkie, what you say is true. The whole world may fall apart, but if those dear to me stand by me, I'll be content... but we must reckon that this would be a very stoic perspective of life. Or would it? Well, we both know that an important part of us, individuals, longs for recognition and appreciation from the other human beings... It's really easy to hurt someone with words and even a simple look. I feel that that hypothetical 60-year old woman who's staring at me when I walk by her, as she was seeing a ghost, is probably not thinking the best of me... I don't know her and won't probably see her again in my life, but I must make a conscious effort to let it go, to ignore it. Because for me, it's not natural not to care...
I don't know if I'm being able to express myself, Elkie. [emoji53] But the fact that I was out as Sarah already means that I'm making progress... I'm just beginning to learn the art of ignoring the possible (inevitable?) depreciative looks and comments in my back. I feel that I'll get the touch in a not too distant future... 😉
Peace & Hugs, Sarah
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Quote from: SadieBlake on July 12, 2017, 08:37:22 AM
Sarah, as I left my therapy appointment and you were going into yours I was pondering being out dressed femme (iny context that means non-binary or not passing, take your choice) but how I look to others isn't the point.
Back when I was first exploringy my trans identity I went out dressed in public just a few times, it was always fun, sometimes scary. More often I'd go to private lgbt events dressed and I still do that, but far less often after I decided 15 years or so back not to pursue transition.
Now with the burden of a hard to hide <shenis> gone, I feel completely different about dressing in public, I still have to screw up my courage a bit but I *like* wearing the things that I forbade myself publicly and even denied myself in private. Aside from lingerie, I stopped wearing femme clothing at home -- what was the point? I wasn't transitioning, why allow myself something in private that I felt I couldn't wear in public.
I really am dressing just for myself, albeit certainly with an eye to an aesthetic I actually like and feel reads well.
Sarah, I take you for quite passable and still I can only imagine that going out to meet with someone who knows you in context of masculine presentation carries the same trepidation. We at Susan's can say you're entirely passable however you can't own that until that's validated in person for you as it was yesterday.
Ultimately, I'm dressing for myself, the main thing i care for in my presentation to others is that I have a competent approach to style, makeup etc *** and that I keep the effort going into it inside of reasonable bounds, about 15 minutes is my max investment on how I look for any given day. Most days it's < 5.
Ah, Sadie!... [emoji5] I understand what you mean. For me it has indeed been a big deal. I mean... Going, in a matter of 5 months, from totally seclusive about my gender issue to full-time at home and adventuring myself in the wild as femme is, well... Let's say that if, 6 months ago, you told me that this was going to happen, I would have said that you were totally cuckoo.
I'm still learning to ignore the look of others. Maybe they don't even look, I honestly don't know. But mind can be a bitch and keep telling me: "They are all looking at you! Shame! Shame! Shame!" [emoji23] I know that this is probably not the case... and I've been trying to fight this idiotic inner voice. And lately with some success, I'd dare to add...
Peace & Big Hugs, Sarah
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Quote from: coldHeart on July 13, 2017, 08:09:45 AM
Fantastic Sarah, I bet you feel on cloud nine.
Sara
I have no words to express it. I guess I'd have to be a poet... It was one of the best moments in my life. And will for sure help me put finally a stone on other older and much less pleasant memories.
Big hug and congrats about your pic! [emoji4]
Sarah
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on July 13, 2017, 05:26:03 PMI feel that that hypothetical 60-year old woman who's staring at me when I walk by her, as she was seeing a ghost, is probably not thinking the best of me...
Or she could be me, thinking about how beautiful you look. Relax, it will be another great outing, and you will enjoy it. Nothing beats being yourself.
Some times you just need that extra little push & your there living it breathing it & it feels so good.
As I find out this week I was so frightened of peoples reaction to me my mind also was screaming " their looking at you" but I never see a soul turn my way to look, no doubt they will at some point but we are all better than them so we will just carry on walking.
Keep it up Sarah.
Sara
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 13, 2017, 05:50:32 PM
Or she could be me, thinking about how beautiful you look. Relax, it will be another great outing, and you will enjoy it. Nothing beats being yourself.
No doubt about that, Kathy! 😊 I've been looking at the glass half empty for too long. I must re-learn to look at it half full. I know I will feel another tidal wave of adrenaline... I know I will enjoy it... I must smile at all this, be confident.
Hugs, Sarah
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Update:
So I guess I started my assigned homework with the right foot. Today, for the first time in her life, Sarah left her comfort zone and ventured into the open world in broad daylight! Do you guess what happened to her?... Nothing. Lol That's right... Nobody insulted me. Nobody threw stones at me. Nobody made indelicate comments (at least that I could hear). Nope. To my great surprise, I felt I was one more common woman on this planet, like the dozens I came across along my 3-hour walk in the beautiful city of Antwerp, Belgium. Some people looked at me, but I suspect that it was my colorful headscarf that catched their attention, more than some oddity about my face. I went to an italian restaurant for dinner and the waiter nonchalantly greeted me with a "Goedenavond mevrouw. Taffel voor één?" I timidly smiled, nodded and answered in my most feminine voice "Ja, alstublieft.' I very slowly enjoyed my tagliatelle asparagi e scampi with a nice glass of cool Lambrusco bianco and finished with a velvety espresso. I felt that suddenly my life was in going slow-motion, with a inner sense of warmth, comfort, certainty, confidence... As I realized that, I smiled to myself and thought about that winter night in 1976 and how much I would have loved to go back in time and tell that little kid: "Don't worry darling... Don't cry... One day, it will all be over... You'll be a succesful member of society... You will save lives and alleviate suffering... And when you least expect it, you will become the beautiful woman that lives inside you and will feel no shame about it. Never stop to love yourself or give up believing in yourself, okay?"
[...] Sorry... I'm crying big time now... 😢 [...]
Ok, I'm back. So as you've guessed, this will become another landmark in my life. Thank you community. Thank you to all of you who read, who wrote, who smiled, who gave me hope. I love you! 👧
So this is how I went to the big city today. First shot at home and second in Antwerp.
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170714/c7d2adc585f45a99b0b66eb616ef8b8b.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170714/400e295e6ab2724766a39e0b7293e35e.jpg)Next challenge: going to the grocery store, which is located inside a shopping mall near home.
Peace and a myriad of gigantic hugs for everyone reading this!
Sarah
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That's wonderful!! Thank YOU! You're in inspiration for those of us just starting down this difficult road!
Quote from: Sarah_P on July 14, 2017, 05:26:59 PM
That's wonderful!! Thank YOU! You're in inspiration for those of us just starting down this difficult road!
Oh, Sarah... You're a sweetheart (along with having very good taste in the choice of your girl's name... 😉). I'm just retributing a bit of what you girls generously gave me. If my input could help someone, somehow, even just by giving hope, then mission accomplished! The stories of our more experienced sisters gave me much hope, in times of great need...
Keep believing, Sarah. Trust me: if you do, the sky is the limit. 👧
Big warm hug, Sarah
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on July 14, 2017, 04:47:05 PM
Update:
So I guess I started my assigned homework with the right foot. Today, for the first time in her life, Sarah left her comfort zone and ventured into the open world in broad daylight! Do you guess what happened to her?... Nothing. Lol That's right... Nobody insulted me. Nobody threw stones at me. Nobody made indelicate comments (at least that I could hear). Nope. To my great surprise, I felt I was one more common woman on this planet, like the dozens I came across along my 3-hour walk in the beautiful city of Antwerp, Belgium. Some people looked at me, but I suspect that it was my colorful headscarf that catched their attention, more than some oddity about my face. I went to an italian restaurant for dinner and the waiter nonchalantly greeted me with a "Goedenavond mevrouw. Taffel voor één?" I timidly smiled, nodded and answered in my most feminine voice "Ja, alstublieft.' I very slowly enjoyed my tagliatelle asparagi e scampi with a nice glass of cool Lambrusco bianco and finished with a velvety espresso. I felt that suddenly my life was in going slow-motion, with a inner sense of warmth, comfort, certainty, confidence... As I realized that, I smiled to myself and thought about that winter night in 1976 and how much I would have loved to go back in time and tell that little kid: "Don't worry darling... Don't cry... One day, it will all be over... You'll be a succesful member of society... You will save lives and alleviate suffering... And when you least expect it, you will become the beautiful woman that lives inside you and will feel no shame about it. Never stop to love yourself or give up believing in yourself, okay?"
[...] Sorry... I'm crying big time now... 😢 [...]
Ok, I'm back. So as you've guessed, this will become another landmark in my life. Thank you community. Thank you to all of you who read, who wrote, who smiled, who gave me hope. I love you! 👧
So this is how I went to the big city today. First shot at home and second in Antwerp.
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170714/c7d2adc585f45a99b0b66eb616ef8b8b.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170714/400e295e6ab2724766a39e0b7293e35e.jpg)Next challenge: going to the grocery store, which is located inside a shopping mall near home.
Peace and a myriad of gigantic hugs for everyone reading this!
Sarah
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Finding that inner courage to step put the door is so great. You did fantastic, out for dinner...that feeling you got sitting there being you is what most cis people do every day of their lives and take for granted. That is such a huge step forward and that feeling that the world will come tumbling down around you actually does go away. I have found my anxiety about going out the door, is often far, far, more than I ever experience, when I am actually out and about being me. Congratulations well done
I love this thread!! I especially love to read about how your confidence is surging, Sarah. What a difference from the thread title, eh?
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 14, 2017, 06:18:16 PM
I love this thread!! I especially love to read about how your confidence is surging, Sarah. What a difference from the thread title, eh?
Oh my, Kathy! You just made me re-read my first post in the thread and... Wow! What a difference indeed! And the thread title... lol Someone who reads only the last few posts will propably think that the we are not talking about the same person who wrote the title.
I am proud about my growth, but also humble in my rejoicing because I know you wonderful people played a major (really... crucial!) role in the build up of my courage. I'm so thankful...
Big sweet and warm hug, Sarah
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on July 14, 2017, 04:47:05 PM
... I felt that suddenly my life was in going slow-motion, with a inner sense of warmth, comfort, certainty, confidence... As I realized that, I smiled to myself and thought about that winter night in 1976 and how much I would have loved to go back in time and tell that little kid: "Don't worry darling... Don't cry... One day, it will all be over... You'll be a succesful member of society... You will save lives and alleviate suffering... And when you least expect it, you will become the beautiful woman that lives inside you and will feel no shame about it. Never stop to love yourself or give up believing in yourself, okay?"
Sarah, this is one of the most beautiful things I have read here in a long, long time. You've done so very well, and I hope you will continue to do well as you pursue your path to peace and joy.
Congratulations.
Hi Sarah, I have read your previous posts but could not comment on then. For starters, I don't know how to fight traumatic experiences from such young age. But your approach to evaluating reasons for shame band challenging it works for you. So, keep going.
Not, I like your recent look and experience. More experiences like those would go a long way to ease your concerns. After all, when you communicate with real people and don't get that long feared 'look', you stop fearing it and start living your life.
One thing I wanted to suggest to you. Smile whenever anyone looks at you. Especially if that person stares at you or looks disapprovingly. If it happens, stare back, raise your chin, smile and then you don't have to stare them down, just look elsewhere. Essentially - you acknowledge the stare and showed it doesn't bother you. If the other person smiles back, then it means you're accepted, but you don't need approval or acceptance of every person, even professional populists aka politicians rarely get more than 70% approval rating.
So, look nice, smile, mind your business and let others not concern you. But smile every time you met eyes.
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Quote from: elkie-t on July 14, 2017, 10:57:58 PM
Hi Sarah, I have read your previous posts but could not comment on then. For starters, I don't know how to fight traumatic experiences from such young age. But your approach to evaluating reasons for shame band challenging it works for you. So, keep going.
Not, I like your recent look and experience. More experiences like those would go a long way to ease your concerns. After all, when you communicate with real people and don't get that long feared 'look', you stop fearing it and start living your life.
One thing I wanted to suggest to you. Smile whenever anyone looks at you. Especially if that person stares at you or looks disapprovingly. If it happens, stare back, raise your chin, smile and then you don't have to stare them down, just look elsewhere. Essentially - you acknowledge the stare and showed it doesn't bother you. If the other person smiles back, then it means you're accepted, but you don't need approval or acceptance of every person, even professional populists aka politicians rarely get more than 70% approval rating.
So, look nice, smile, mind your business and let others not concern you. But smile every time you met eyes.
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Omg, Elkie! I did already found that, a bit by accident! 😀 That's totally true! And it happened a few times, yesterday.
There was a couple in their thirties walking hand in hand. Me, I was just sitting for a few minutes, enjoying the view on the boardwalk along the river Schelde. And when that couple passed in front of me, the man looked at me and I smiled. But instead of smiling back, he just quickly deviated his stare and kept walking (I didn't see him comment anything with his partner, either)... He was the only possible disapproval I encountered and you know what? It didnt't bother me that much. I mean: who cares? I don't need this guy's approval for nothing! So despite that, I just kept smiling, and smiling, and smiling... 😊
All the other moments of "stares" that I was aware of, yesterday, did smile back at my smile and when that happened, I felt that the colors of life suddenly became brighter and merrier! 😊
Besides the "approval" reason, there are other reasons for me to smile: smiling feminizes my face big time... Smiling, by itself, puts me in a better mood... Smiling has been easy for me, the last few days, because that's the natural facial expression of happiness and contentment! And as a plus, smiling boosts your immune system (https://bestdentistsfortworth.com/smiling-boosts-your-immune-system/)! Wow!
So yes, you pointed out something very important that I found out empirically: smiling is VERY important. It's a boost of self-esteem, an antidote against the inevitable "down" moments you'll feel around the road.
Thanks for taking the time to write your feedback, Elkie!
Hugs, Sarah
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I remember when I went to my therapist for the first time dressed as a woman. I was seeing her for other issues I was having, but my crossdressing came up in our conversations and we talked about it at length during one of our sessions. She never suggested that I come to the office dressed as Bobbi Anne, but a second session I had with her after opening up about it, I went in dressed. I had on full make up, my best wig, a pretty dress, all the proper foundation garments, and 4" heels. My therapist Cate was shocked to see me like that, but I told her that after opening up to her about it, I wanted to show her. We had a great session talking about everything, and I felt that I opened up even more about everything else in my life also. Due to insurance reasons, I only had another five sessions after that, but for three of them, I went in dressed as Bobbi Anne. At my last session, Cate presented me with a bag of clothes that she had gotten from her wife that she thought would fit my style. It was one of the best experiences of my life and very freeing.
Quote from: Bobbi Anne on July 15, 2017, 09:31:37 AM
I remember when I went to my therapist for the first time dressed as a woman. I was seeing her for other issues I was having, but my crossdressing came up in our conversations and we talked about it at length during one of our sessions. She never suggested that I come to the office dressed as Bobbi Anne, but a second session I had with her after opening up about it, I went in dressed. I had on full make up, my best wig, a pretty dress, all the proper foundation garments, and 4" heels. My therapist Cate was shocked to see me like that, but I told her that after opening up to her about it, I wanted to show her. We had a great session talking about everything, and I felt that I opened up even more about everything else in my life also. Due to insurance reasons, I only had another five sessions after that, but for three of them, I went in dressed as Bobbi Anne. At my last session, Cate presented me with a bag of clothes that she had gotten from her wife that she thought would fit my style. It was one of the best experiences of my life and very freeing.
Hi Bobbi Anne! Thanks for sharing this!
Liberating is a good way summarize it indeed. For me, this first step was the hardest because I was navigating in totally uncharted territory... I was terrified at the idea of something "bad" happening and which would make me panic. I think it's a bit like this for every challenge in life... and then, when it's done, we just think "Phew... Well, that wasn't so hard!... Hummm... That was actually good! I WANT MORE!" 😅 This is what happened to me and now I'm not terrified anymore, but super thrilled at the idea of going to the therapist as Sarah! Can't wait for it! So much that I HAD to dress as Sarah and let her be who she is in broad daylight! And I loved it! So much that I'm already planning my next little experiment in letting Sarah wander in the free world... 😉
Hugs, Sarah
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And after being out for a while, you realize that it's not a challenge at all to dress any way you like :) Breaking the first barrier is the hardest, because when you leave the privacy of your house, you're making a big decision of how would you deal with potential confrontation, outing, or whatever consequences.
I remember standing in a gay bar parking lot in southern Chicago first time, being 100 miles away from my home and unable to leave my car and go inside. What if someone sees me, takes my photo, it gets into the media and the whole world would find out about me? I had to sit for 5 minutes and decide there and then, to hell with the whole world - I'm not to hide who I am if it finds out about me. I never had any anxiety like that afterwards, even much closer to my home and in the day light... The first step is the hardest, enjoy your freedom now, you deserved it
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on July 15, 2017, 09:46:16 AM
Hi Bobbi Anne! Thanks for sharing this!
Liberating is a good way summarize it indeed. For me, this first step was the hardest because I was navigating in totally uncharted territory... I was terrified at the idea of something "bad" happening and which would make me panic. I think it's a bit like this for every challenge in life... and then, when it's done, we just think "Phew... Well, that wasn't so hard!... Hummm... That was actually good! I WANT MORE!" 😅 This is what happened to me and now I'm not terrified anymore, but super thrilled at the idea of going to the therapist as Sarah! Can't wait for it! So much that I HAD to dress as Sarah and let her be who she is in broad daylight! And I loved it! So much that I'm already planning my next little experiment in letting Sarah wander in the free world... 😉
Hugs, Sarah
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Sometimes the hardest things to do is to overcome the mental obstacles we have. Since my therapy sessions ended, I was going out quite a bit as Bobbi Anne, never near my family or hometown though. My wife found out about it and tossed my entire wardrobe out (this was like the or fourth time she had found out that I was still dressed), so now as I work on rebuilding my relationship with her, I am slowly rebuilding Bobbi Anne's wardrobe too. Her and I have talked openly about my need to crossdress and although she doesn't understand totally, she seems to be more tolerable than before.
Hugs,
Bobbi Anne
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Quote from: Bobbi Anne on July 15, 2017, 01:16:36 PM
Sometimes the hardest things to do is to overcome the mental obstacles we have. Since my therapy sessions ended, I was going out quite a bit as Bobbi Anne, never near my family or hometown though. My wife found out about it and tossed my entire wardrobe out (this was like the or fourth time she had found out that I was still dressed), so now as I work on rebuilding my relationship with her, I am slowly rebuilding Bobbi Anne's wardrobe too. Her and I have talked openly about my need to crossdress and although she doesn't understand totally, she seems to be more tolerable than before.
Hugs,
Bobbi Anne
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Hi Bobbi Anne. If you want to protect your wardrobe from being the tossed out by wandering spouse, rent a 5x5 or 5x10 storage (best if open 24hrs) and change inside, then go out, then change back. Storage managers wouldn't care... But it would mean you'll have to go out in public.
Quote from: elkie-t on July 15, 2017, 04:13:19 PM
Hi Bobbi Anne. If you want to protect your wardrobe from being the tossed out by wandering spouse, rent a 5x5 or 5x10 storage (best if open 24hrs) and change inside, then go out, then change back. Storage managers wouldn't care... But it would mean you'll have to go out in public.
Elkie, thank you. I honestly haven't thought about doing something like that. It is an awesome idea! I have no problem going out in public, as I try to look as pretty as I possibly can.
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Quote from: Bobbi Anne on July 15, 2017, 01:16:36 PM
Sometimes the hardest things to do is to overcome the mental obstacles we have. Since my therapy sessions ended, I was going out quite a bit as Bobbi Anne, never near my family or hometown though. My wife found out about it and tossed my entire wardrobe out (this was like the or fourth time she had found out that I was still dressed), so now as I work on rebuilding my relationship with her, I am slowly rebuilding Bobbi Anne's wardrobe too. Her and I have talked openly about my need to crossdress and although she doesn't understand totally, she seems to be more tolerable than before.
Hugs,
Bobbi Anne
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For some time, my wife did almost the same, with the difference that she'd ask me to get rid of the clothes. That happened quite a few times... at that time, I was still light-years from admitting that I was transgender. I still tried to convince myself that it was just a fetish or transvestism, but at times my behaviour went somewhat over the board in my wife's view (epilating my legs, sporadically taking estrogens...) so she understandably felt threatened. Now it's no longer a problem, but for many years I too had to find hiding places... unfortunately I sucked at hiding things and my wife always managed to "accidentaly" find them... lol
Elkie's suggestion is interesting, in your case.
Hugs, Sarah
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Elkie is smart, there is no place in my house where my wife wouldn't find a stash.... unless she physically cannot get access to the place. She guessed later that I have a hiding place, but still I would neither admit nor deny it and she wouldn't know the address anyway :) she only had to accept it as a possibility.
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A car trunk (where you have your spare tire) is an ok place for a temporary storage (overnight at most), if your spouse don't drive that car and don't have spare keys... still she could always get your keys out of your pocket and check it out... not good for long term storage, and it's too small to hold the whole wardrobe.
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on July 07, 2017, 01:23:46 PM
So I recently had my first therapy session and it went really well. Along 2 hours I had the opportunity to tell most of what's been going on with me over the last four decades.
Now, I feel a new and incredible urge to go to the sessions as Sarah, instead of the androgynous male-version of me. I would still ask the therapist if she's okay with that (before you say that I'm entitled to that and don't have to ask permission, let me just say that it's in my nature... I don't like to impose... but that's not what worries me).
What I am terrified at, is going to the session dressed as Sarah (it would be the first time I go out as a woman in broad daylight) and looking simply like a guy in women's clothes. Below is a photo taken today with light make-up. Do you girls think that I'm still very far away from... well... I won't dare to say "passing" but at least not drawing too much attention?
Or do you think that it would be better to wait for some more effects of HRT (started almost 5 months ago) and eventually FFS, which I plan to do sometime along the first months of 2018?
Thanks beforehand for your honest feedback.
Peace & Hugs, Sarah(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170707/a34d4029e378b4cea164c319f84fd62b.jpg)
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Hi Sarah, when I first went to see a therapist as the woman I have always know that I am, I was as terrified as you are.
Soon I discovered that people have their own lives and their own concerns and that they don't pay attention to what others look like.
If you feel insecure you will project that.
So the more in control, you feel the more confidence you will exude.
You look lovely, maybe some bigger and more feminine sun glasses will help you feel better.
Ask for permission if you feel you must, but this is about you and how you feel. What you therapist think or believe is not your concern.
You don't mentioned anything about your HRT dosages but as a sister I would recommend that your pay a lot of attention to your hormonal regime.
Once that you start hitting the mark, the transformations will be magical. When people started calling me madam even when I was dressed as before I was so surprised that I was incredulous... But so happy as well that I was invaded by an air of elation. It was that I felt that I was free at last.
I hope you will succeed and that your life will be touched in the outside with the same strong femininity we all carry inside.
Lots of luck to you dear sister.
Best, Mara
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Sarah,
I must confess I had not kept up with this thread after your success with the therapy session. But I have gone back and read it again tonight and I have to say what a beautiful change in your attitude. You have gone from a scared young lady full of fear at the thought of venturing out as yourself to a more confident young lady once you discovered that you had nothing to fear but fear itself. You overcame that fear with resolve and did it. Now you won't every want to put Sarah back in the little dark closet. You are free and out into the light of the world. Rock on Sarah, rock on.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Sarah, missed any new updates on your going out adventures :) Even if you aren't fully out on your work and friends, there's should be very little risk to continue going out in a big city, such as Antwerp. Nothing builds up confidence faster than going out regularly for day to day activities or hobbies. How about maybe starting a yoga class or going to ballet lessons as a girl? Stretching your muscles is good, male muscles are too stiff from years of exposure to T. Or learn to dance classes, or some zumba workout? Or even learning some karate (find one that is transfriendly though in advance). In a word, any regular activity, hobby, club where you are accepted as one of the girls , yet not focused on you being a girl, and enjoyable to you would be awesome!
Don't center your life on transition itself, instead build your new social network as a girl outside the LGBT community and make new friends.
Hallo Laurie & Elkie!
Nice to see you both again! Yes, there was a huge and very positive evolution the last couple of weeks. The fear is just not yet totally gone, but I feel that I am much more in control. This whole coming out to (a small part of) world was also an excuse as good as any for a bit of self taught cosmetics. I managed to find an interesting little course about makeup for feminization and I believe I has done miracles! I'm looking very much forward to try on the new ideas (super enthusiastic about the techniques to hide that #@!*# grey shade... grrrr... lol).
Anyways, the last couple of days I've been quite busy with 24h work shifts almost day-in day-out (not yet out at work, so Sarah still works undercover... shhhht...) so when I'm not working, I'm recovering (in Sarah's pyjamas, mind you! lol)... From Saturday on I'll have a 5-day break, perfect for Sarah to resume her little experiments... And the 25/07 it's my next session with the therapist; can't wait for it as I'll certainly go as Sarah (outfit already chosen!)
Now, I feel that along those experiments, I'll become more and more desensitised to shame and it will get easier to NATURALLY go out as Sarah. At the present moment, when I do that, I still feel that it's a huge deal... Well there has been progress!
I promise to keep you girls updated, with photos n' all (if you're not bothered by the photos, that is). I'm also hoping that my account will give some interesting ideas to any other girl who is considering taking this very important step.
Big, warm and thankful hug! [emoji259]
Sarah
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Quote from: marabrightwell on July 18, 2017, 09:56:33 PM
Hi Sarah, when I first went to see a therapist as the woman I have always know that I am, I was as terrified as you are.
Soon I discovered that people have their own lives and their own concerns and that they don't pay attention to what others look like.
If you feel insecure you will project that.
So the more in control, you feel the more confidence you will exude.
You look lovely, maybe some bigger and more feminine sun glasses will help you feel better.
Ask for permission if you feel you must, but this is about you and how you feel. What you therapist think or believe is not your concern.
You don't mentioned anything about your HRT dosages but as a sister I would recommend that your pay a lot of attention to your hormonal regime.
Once that you start hitting the mark, the transformations will be magical. When people started calling me madam even when I was dressed as before I was so surprised that I was incredulous... But so happy as well that I was invaded by an air of elation. It was that I felt that I was free at last.
I hope you will succeed and that your life will be touched in the outside with the same strong femininity we all carry inside.
Lots of luck to you dear sister.
Best, Mara
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Hi Mara!
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! It's always good to know about people who have been through this! [emoji4]
I don't know if you read the remainder of the thread, but I finally went to my session as Sarah and it went much better than anticipated (and without previous permission!). So much that a couple of days thereafter, Sarah ventured again in the open world, in a big city and it was a positively memorable experience... I no longer felt fear, but in fact a desire for moooooooore!
About the sunglasses, I did buy a pair of Ray Bans with a style that I'm comfortable with. They are not ultra-feminine, but I feel that they fit my style. Besides, I live under the (hopefully not too false) impression that I have nice cheekbones and I'd prefer no to hide them with oversized sunglasses. I felt that the sunglasses are a bit of a smoke screen, but to tell you the truth, I feel more genuine (and perhaps also a little more nervous, lol) when I'm not using them. I don't know about other people's opinion about that but... well... I like my eyes... They might even be a bit... beautiful, dare I say? So I prefer not to hide them. But again, it's true that the sunglasses give me an illusion of more safety. But nonetheless an illusion... [emoji5]
I didn't mention the dosage of my medication because: 1) it is forbidden by the terms of the forum and 2) it would have limited usefulness because as you know the choice of medication and its dose should be adapted to each woman, according to her hormonal levels, clinical response, adverse effects, risk factors, local protocols, etc. Suffice to say that I'm on a pretty standard regime for an European country (estradiol valerate + ciproterone acetate) with dosages that keep my T levels well below normal male levels and even lower than most women, and which have been providing me with a very (surprisingly and almost unexpectedly) nice physical feminization. Btw, I've been on HRT since almost 5 months and am under supervision of an experienced endocrinologist (and as a plus, I am a MD myself, internist + endocrinologist + emergency physician so I usually pay much attention to my levels).
I've already witnessed some incredibly comforting situations, one of them being the waiter of a restaurant calling me "Mrs". I think it was the first time... and wow! What a sensation!
Thanks again for dropping by and hope to read again in the future!
Warm hug, Sarah
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Hi Sarah, I agree with your take on sunglasses. They are cool and give you some protection when needed. And at the same time, they cover your beautiful eyes and create an impression that you need that protection and afraid to meet other person face to face. I think even if you wear sunglasses, some minimal eye make up still needs to be there and a person shouldn't be afraid to lift them up on her head if she enters a darker place, or where it is culturally expected.
As long as they are an accessory and nothing but a sun protection, (but not crutches) dark glasses are a good tool.
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on July 19, 2017, 03:08:34 PM
Now, I feel that along those experiments, I'll become more and more desensitised to shame and it will get easier to NATURALLY go out as Sarah. At the present moment, when I do that, I still feel that it's a huge deal... Well there has been progress!
Sarah
Sarah I completely understand that lingering fear you feel when you go out. I still feel it a bit too and I've been running around in girl mode for about 5 weeks now in many different setting from one coast of my country to the other and back. Today I was doing various things in my apartment complex in a skirt for the first time. % weeks in and yes there still was that nagging bit of fear about it. But I said to myself "you've committed to trying full time so get your butt out that door" and that is what I did. You will find it getting easier for you with every outing you make.
And yes were relate our adventures here in hopes of inspiring and helping someone else get past their fears.
Keep up what you are doing Sarah and you'll be just fine.
Hugs,
Laurie
So yesterday was my third therapy session and, as you've guessed, I couldn't help but go as Sarah. The few days before I was busy learning one or two more things about make-up. It still takes an eternity to get ready... I'm sure that practice will make perfect... and faster! I went like this (sorry, no full body, perhaps next time):
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170726/7cc6a42e84e3244ad7cf90944962a7af.jpg)
Anyways, the session went really well. We discussed my progress along the last two weeks, as well as my two biggest issues at this moment: my 5 o'clock shadow (which is really difficult to conceal, albeit not impossible... but improving very much) and my male facial features... I feel that the moment I get my FFS done, it will be a major breakthrough because I will feel much more confident. I'd like to anticipate it a few months (around February). However, for now, I'm well aware that I must keep "training" with real world situations, both to lose the fear and shame, but also to find out how good (or bad) I am at dealing with adverse situations...
Another of the big deals that is about to happen is that I asked my boss to think about a date for a meeting between us, preferably outside of the workplace, because I intend to inform him of some personal stuff which will have some repercussions at the workplace - talk of an euphemism! [emoji23] So hopefully, I'll be coming out to my boss in a few days! Wow! I see progress! I'm excited! [emoji2]
As for other adventures into the real world, I haven't done much except for yesterday, because of some stuff that I had to do in my male mode - so anxious to get rid of that mode! Next Friday I'm planning on going to a museum in Antwerp and to have lunch or dinner there (depending on at what time I'll be going)... as Sarah, of course!
And next week is my first appointment with the voice therapist! Finally!
I'll keep you posted... This thread turned out to be a diary of a sort. [emoji6]
Peace & Hugs, Sarah
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Ugh... 5 o'clock shadow! I've gotten pretty good at covering it up, but I just wish it was gone. Just had my 2nd laser treatment this last weekend. I know I can't expect instant results, but I just want it to go away!
Good luck with the boss! Hope everything turns out well. One of my bosses ended up becoming a close friend afterwards, and has given me tons of clothing & makeup advice. In fact, I'm looking forward to finally going shopping with her (as Sarah!) sometime in the next few weeks.
Enjoy your museum visit!
Hahaha... this Sarah also went as Sarah to her therapist yesterday. And than for some more therapy at Nordstrom Rack shoe shopping :D
Quote from: Sarah_P on July 26, 2017, 12:37:52 PM
Ugh... 5 o'clock shadow! I've gotten pretty good at covering it up, but I just wish it was gone. Just had my 2nd laser treatment this last weekend. I know I can't expect instant results, but I just want it to go away!
Good luck with the boss! Hope everything turns out well. One of my bosses ended up becoming a close friend afterwards, and has given me tons of clothing & makeup advice. In fact, I'm looking forward to finally going shopping with her (as Sarah!) sometime in the next few weeks.
Enjoy your museum visit!
Yeah, darn shadow! I recently found about using deep red lipstick as color corrector and it does work! I love to put on make up, it makes me feel cute, but I dream with the day when I'll be able to go outside as Sarah with nothing more than a touch of primer! [emoji5]
As for my boss, although I tend to be a "worst case scenario" kind of girl, I'm pretty confident he won't have a rage burst or a laugh attack... lol However, since he's a bloke, don't think he's going to give me clothing or makeup advice! [emoji23] But it's definitely super cool that you were able to make a new friend! Maybe that will happen with some girl(s) at my workplace... it would be nice because I'd feel more accepted and integrated.
Hugs! Sarah
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Why are you insisting on wearing the jacket? It seems to hide your breasts, emphasize shoulders and is just dull a little (yet maybe warm and comfortable, idk)
But I liked your new headscarf! It looks very nice
Quote from: sarah1972 on July 26, 2017, 12:45:56 PM
Hahaha... this Sarah also went as Sarah to her therapist yesterday. And than for some more therapy at Nordstrom Rack shoe shopping :D
Hihihi... Well, this Sarah here decided that she had a pressing need for therapy before the therapy, so she found a cute new scarf at the mall and... ready to leave for the other therapy! Lol
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Quote from: elkie-t on July 26, 2017, 12:58:27 PM
Why are you insisting on wearing the jacket? It seems to hide your breasts, emphasize shoulders and is just dull a little (yet maybe warm and comfortable, idk)
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Humm... Because it was like 14°C outside ? A bit too cold for a simple top with spaghetti straps and a bra. When I got at the clinic I took it out! It's not that I'm embarassed or anything and I really don't mind showing my breasts (their contour, I mean[emoji39]). Elkie... next time I'll post a pic in public, it'll be without a jacket... just for you! Hahaha
Big hugs, Sarah
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Hugs. I thought that might be the case. It's one crazy and cold summer.
I'm happy for you coming coming out at work! That's the biggest obstacle to living full-time as much as you want as Sarah and it will be removed soon!
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I looked back at all the pics you posted here. Imho this headscarf goes best with your red lipstick (the black one was also stylish though - worked in unison with your shirt then).
And a white one might be good too for hotter days if it is the same wrap-around style. But orange on orange seems a bit too much red :) all imho, take with a grain of salt
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Quote from: elkie-t on July 26, 2017, 01:23:06 PM
I looked back at all the pics you posted here. Imho this headscarf goes best with your red lipstick (the black one was also stylish though - worked in unison with your shirt then).
And a white one might be good too for hotter days if it is the same wrap-around style. But orange on orange seems a bit too much red :) all imho, take with a grain of salt
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Yes, I totally agree. I did look back at my pics myself and, although the orange was very lively and joyful, it was overwhelming and deviated looks from my lips and eyes to my headscarf. The black and the blue scarves worked much better. Coincidentally, I ordered today 3 cute scarves in cream, wine and teal. Nothing too flaming. Can't wait to receive them!
In Belgium, summer doesn't last long and soon enough I'll have to think about an Autumn wardrobe (it gets very, very rainy here)... Boots... Coat... Trench coat? Some warm tops, also... I anticipate a spree of shopping in September! [emoji57]
I'll be seeing my boss tomorrow morning. I hope he'll already have a suggestion for a date for my big revelation... Something so big - I'll keep you posted for sure. I didn't mention it, but yesterday my therapist gave me two guides (in Dutch) with the titles "Transgenders at work - tips and information for employers and employees" (published by the Flemish Authority) and "Guide for the support of transgenders at work" (published by the Institute for the Equality of Women and Men). She told me she would obtain more copies for me, but if I wished I could give the ones she gave me to my boss. Very cool from her and it's good to know that we live in a place where there are structures in place to facilitate transition and protect transgendered people.
Sarah
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Quote from: sarah1972 on July 26, 2017, 12:45:56 PM
Hahaha... this Sarah also went as Sarah to her therapist yesterday. And than for some more therapy at Nordstrom Rack shoe shopping :D
That's some therapy I could go for! I've been expanding my wardrobe thanks to some great finds at some second hand shops, but I've been woefully deficient when it comes to shoes.
Quote from: Sarah_P on July 26, 2017, 02:43:07 PM
That's some therapy I could go for! I've been expanding my wardrobe thanks to some great finds at some second hand shops, but I've been woefully deficient when it comes to shoes.
Payless, Nordstrom rack...
Quote from: elkie-t on July 26, 2017, 03:15:51 PM
Payless, Nordstrom rack...
Nordstrom Rack doesn't exist here, but it looks like a fashion retail clothing store... Would it be a bit like C&A or H&M?
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Nordstrom is expensive fashion retail carrying shoes up to size 13. Rack is their discounted version where they sell at reasonable price what they couldn't sell at full price.
Payless exists everywhere in USA though and they have a decent selection of good looking and real cheap shoes (that won't last for too long - man made materials).
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Quote from: elkie-t on July 26, 2017, 03:15:51 PM
Payless, Nordstrom rack...
I know about Payless, but not Nordstrom Rack- that's new to me! thanks!. I've been meaning to run by Payless (even though the nearest one to me is 30 miles), or just order some online (I like to see them in person first, though).
The main problem being money. My budget is pretty tight (thus the frequenting second hand stores).
Quote from: Sarah_P on July 26, 2017, 03:54:35 PM
I know about Payless, but not Nordstrom Rack- that's new to me! thanks!. I've been meaning to run by Payless (even though the nearest one to me is 30 miles), or just order some online (I like to see them in person first, though).
The main problem being money. My budget is pretty tight (thus the frequenting second hand stores).
You can look online what is available at that particular store (which is quite accurate - and helpful to decide if you want to drive 30 miles) as well as order online to the store, or order online and return to the store if you don't like it. I'd recommend buying 2 pairs of shoes to use their discounts for second pair. Good luck with finding the money to do shopping.
Nordstrom Rack has female shoes up to size 13. The other thing I like is that they just have the sizes on the shelf and you can pick and try without having to bug someone. They are between 40% and 60% off their usual retail. It may take a few times going there to find what you want.
It is still more expensive than Payless (who at least has up to size 12), but the quality is usually a bit better. Also found a few tops for $12 each.
Macey's clearance corner is usually another place I look.
Having to replace my entire wardrobe is just not cheap, so I need to go for a little bit at a time and use clearance sales wherever I can...
A lot of the girl stuff I bought early on is either not fitting or just not a style a women my age would wear (yeah, I call it my slutty phase).
Quote from: elkie-t on July 26, 2017, 03:59:49 PM
You can look online what is available at that particular store (which is quite accurate - and helpful to decide if you want to drive 30 miles) as well as order online to the store, or order online and return to the store if you don't like it. I'd recommend buying 2 pairs of shoes to use their discounts for second pair. Good luck with finding the money to do shopping.
Payless has up to size 13, and each store would have a few models in that size on shelves. How do I know? I just would go there and try it on, or find a store online having the style I liked available and go there and try it on. Usually I'd buy that item and something else (because second is usually half off). Discard 3-6 months later, buy something new.
I personally prefer Payless to Nordstrom Rack (I had no luck finding size 13 shoes in my NR).
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Quote from: sarah1972 on July 26, 2017, 08:59:01 PM
A lot of the girl stuff I bought early on is either not fitting or just not a style a women my age would wear (yeah, I call it my slutty phase).
lol, me too! ;)
Quote from: Sarah_P on July 26, 2017, 11:41:31 PM
lol, me too! ;)
Sheesh... And I thought I was the only one! Is this some sort of Sarah thing?! [emoji23]
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Quote from: sarah1972
A lot of the girl stuff I bought early on is either not fitting or just not a style a women my age would wear (yeah, I call it my slutty phase).
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on July 26, 2017, 11:43:10 PM
Sheesh... And I thought I was the only one! Is this some sort of Sarah thing?! [emoji23]
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Nope, Sadies do it also; this Sadie continues to wear that stuff albeit at slutty-appropriate venues :-)
Quote from: SadieBlake on July 27, 2017, 05:02:43 AM
Nope, Sadies do it also; this Sadie continues to wear that stuff albeit at slutty-appropriate venues :-)
Interesting... One thing I noticed is that from the moment I decided to transition and began HRT I totally abandoned that stuff. I think it is because it worked as an intenser dysphoria suppressor... I was a fan of sheer tights and since then I think I have used thights perhaps one single time, on a cold day. It's so interesting to analyse the workings of our mind, isn't it? [emoji4]
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Bought a jacket but way to young for me, maroon suede effect but was a tenner in the sales. Will always be younger than my numerical age.
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on July 27, 2017, 02:51:33 PM
Interesting... One thing I noticed is that from the moment I decided to transition and began HRT I totally abandoned that stuff. I think it is because it worked as an intenser dysphoria suppressor... I was a fan of sheer tights and since then I think I have used thights perhaps one single time, on a cold day. It's so interesting to analyse the workings of our mind, isn't it? [emoji4]
When you dress occasionally, it's exciting and you want to dress more provocatively, well because it's a big occasion for you. But once you do it every day, you really just look for comfort and style, and it's no longer a big event by itself. :)
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on July 27, 2017, 02:51:33 PM
Interesting... One thing I noticed is that from the moment I decided to transition and began HRT I totally abandoned that stuff. I think it is because it worked as an intenser dysphoria suppressor... I was a fan of sheer tights and since then I think I have used thights perhaps one single time, on a cold day. It's so interesting to analyse the workings of our mind, isn't it? [emoji4]
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I was a huge fan of thigh-high stockings before starting to transition. I haven't touched them in months! I have worn pantyhose a couple times, but only because I was feeling self conscious about some blemishes on my legs & they helped hide them when I was wearing a skirt out. :P
Quote from: elkie-t on July 27, 2017, 04:17:29 PM
When you dress occasionally, it's exciting and you want to dress more provocatively, well because it's a big occasion for you. But once you do it every day, you really just look for comfort and style, and it's no longer a big event by itself. :)
I think that's it exactly! :icon_yes:
Funny observation...
I actually wear pantyhose and thigh-high hose more often now. First, it's warm weather and I prefer skirts with this weather to the usual skinny jeans, nicer in winter, or the good looking trousers I wear in my business attire.
Second, I'm 63, and have poor circulation in the lower legs, and compensate with compression socks and stockings. With a skirt, that pretty much means compression hose, which comes as knee-highs, thigh-highs, and pantyhose. Most of my shirts are not quite long enough for knee-highs. :D
So, I can justify wearing this stuff. ;D
Quote from: Michelle_P on July 27, 2017, 11:56:58 PM
Funny observation...
I actually wear pantyhose and thigh-high hose more often now. First, it's warm weather and I prefer skirts with this weather to the usual skinny jeans, nicer in winter, or the good looking trousers I wear in my business attire.
Second, I'm 63, and have poor circulation in the lower legs, and compensate with compression socks and stockings. With a skirt, that pretty much means compression hose, which comes as knee-highs, thigh-highs, and pantyhose. Most of my shirts are not quite long enough for knee-highs. :D
So, I can justify wearing this stuff. ;D
Aha, Michelle! But you do have practical reasons to do it! [emoji4] However, when I whore those intimates, before even dreaming of transitioning, I did it for the thrill, out of plain kinkiness. [emoji39] Indeed, for a long time (decades) I did it without being aware why I did it... it just felt super good and not just in an erotic kind of way. Nowadays, I realize that this was my way of relieving the peaks of dysphoria... The big difference, now, is that the largest chunk of that dysphoria is gone and I wear women's attiré pretty much every day, so as Elkie pointed out, I'm now used to it and find it natural... Almost no more urges to sooth the dysphoria (when they do happen, I just have some fun with makeup for a while and I quickly calm down [emoji10]).
As for the practicality of it, I still find plain sheer black pantyhose beautiful and elegant (in proper context and combination, of course) but they are scarcely used by women here in Belgium, except in combination with a business attiré (and even then, not that often) of for special occasions (weddings, etc.). I do find them comfortable as well. Next winter will be my first winter in transition; I'll probably be using warm thights underneath my trousers quite often, but for now I don't really have any significant practical experience. Compression stockings sound good, especially at work, because I spend a signicant part of my time standing and sometimes, around the end of the shift, my calves feel tired, even if l don't have signs of significant venous insufficiency (yet!). I'll probably try a pair when it gets cooler.
Thanks for dropping by! [emoji4]
Hugs, Sarah
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Wow Sarah,
I just caught up with your thread. (sorry was kinda preoccupied with myself) All I can say girl is you and on the move. You grabbed that public appearance demon and banished it. No longer do I see a scared worried shy little girl, instead there is a vibrant woman who cannot wait to be seen in the world.
Not only that but now you are coming out to your boss and we can see what that is going to lead to.. It's great to see that you do not have the struggle I've had to accept myself. Just keep on going Sarah you are on the right track and steaming on to your new life.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on July 28, 2017, 01:21:55 AM
Wow Sarah,
I just caught up with your thread. (sorry was kinda preoccupied with myself) All I can say girl is you and on the move. You grabbed that public appearance demon and banished it. No longer do I see a scared worried shy little girl, instead there is a vibrant woman who cannot wait to be seen in the world.
Not only that but now you are coming out to your boss and we can see what that is going to lead to.. It's great to see that you do not have the struggle I've had to accept myself. Just keep on going Sarah you are on the right track and steaming on to your new life.
Hugs,
Laurie
Wow Laurie! Thanks for that, girl! Really sweet and encouraging words! [emoji5]
Don't worry with keeping up with the thread! It will stay here for you to read... I myself have been very much self-absorbed in this fantastic New World that Sarah has just discovered, so I must confess that I haven't paid much attention to anyone else! As you may guess, in due time, it won't be such a novelty anymore and hopefully I'll become a bit less egocentric... [emoji130]
It has been a real roller coaster... Gosh... One year ago I would have never imagined, not even in my most extreme and wildest dreams, that today I'd be going outside as a gal named Sarah! [emoji23] It's so exciting, but at the same time so soothing... I should probably have done it before, but I try not to think like that too much because I don't own a time machine [emoji848] and also because I feel that some changes require a certain maturity and a step-back in order to have a good look at the big picture. I'm happy with what is happening and am aware that what is happening is a function of what happened before... And the moment I figured this out, I came to terms with myself. This, Laurie, was for me the big game changer: self-acceptance. No more internal struggles... "No, you're not a girl, you're a guy! You should be ashamed! Shame! Shame! Shame!" Well, not anymore. I sent that voice to hell and I definitely don't want to hear it again!
Big warm and thankfuk hug!
Sarah
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Having only dressed in public infrequently (like a handful of times in 20 years and not counting bdsm parties as public), I've said I was surprised at my new motivation post-op. And to be clear, before, it was always kinky, like I still own a short tartan skirt but I wouldn't wear that out in normal public anymore.
Special occasion dressing is different, still I enjoy feeling sexy in my new femme attire (as sexy as a 61 yo woman with a beard can be anyhow) and I think it's part of why I'm having sexual thoughts during the day (that never happened before GCS). And we're not talking anything revealing here, knee length black skirt and a t-shirt, hair nearly always back in a ponytail.
However I'm also dressing femme because I think it's important - especially in these days of political idiotic and religious right backlash - to be visible, be out, be seen.
Hugs Sarah, I'm glad you're happy presenting femme, whatever the reason.
And I thought this is only me.. Being slutty pretty much stopped the day I took the first pill of E. Now my goal is to blend in with all the other soccer moms in my neighborhood. I pretty much see it as overcompensating for the missing hormones. I still enjoy to look good and sexy, but more in a classy way.
Now I just have to figure out what to do with the collection of thigh high boots (mostly of the kinky kind)...
I know pantyhose will be back in the winter, I still enjoy the feeling of it.
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on July 27, 2017, 02:51:33 PM
Interesting... One thing I noticed is that from the moment I decided to transition and began HRT I totally abandoned that stuff. I think it is because it worked as an intenser dysphoria suppressor... I was a fan of sheer tights and since then I think I have used thights perhaps one single time, on a cold day. It's so interesting to analyse the workings of our mind, isn't it? [emoji4]
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As soon as you start having E in your body, you get validation of your femself from body development every day and don't need to overcompensate it with clothes :)
And as an old joke goes, tourism and immigration are two different things. As a tourist you notice and like different things (and have different objectives) than as an immigrant
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UPDATE:
So it's official... I'll be meeting my boss for my "little" revelation next Wednesday (02/08) at around 10:00. [rumble of a drum...] It'll be five of the longest days in my recent life! [emoji352][emoji4]
Myriads of hugs for this fantastic support group! [emoji134]
Sarah
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Quote from: elkie-t on July 28, 2017, 10:25:50 AM
And as an old joke goes, tourism and immigration are two different things. As a tourist you notice and like different things (and have different objectives) than as an immigrant
Interesting analogy, Elkie! I guess I just immigrated to Womenland, then... Pretty soon, I expect to be granted full citizenship! [emoji6]
My native language isn't American, and we like to have little jokes (anecdotes or short stories) applicable to different situations. Sometimes I try to translate them :)
This analogy came from this story. Once an average guy died and his soul went to St Paul for judgement and he was so average that St Paul couldn't decide whether to admit him to the paradise or send him to hell. So he let the guy to take a little trip to both places and decide for himself.
So the guy went to paradise and found everybody singing all days and found it boring. He went to hell and found people playing cards, drinking wine and enjoying plenty of sex. He chose the hell only to be send to the fire pit for torture. When he complained that this wasn't fair, the main guy told him - dude, don't think immigration and tourism are the same thing.
Something like that, the final words might be translated into a catchier phrase, but the meaning is the same.
Good journey, Sarah :) yours is indeed similar to an immigration.
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Quote from: elkie-t on July 28, 2017, 12:09:28 PM
This analogy came from this story. Once an average guy died and his soul went to St Paul for judgement and he was so average that St Paul couldn't decide whether to admit him to the paradise or send him to hell. So he let the guy to take a little trip to both places and decide for himself.
So the guy went to paradise and found everybody singing all days and found it boring. He went to hell and found people playing cards, drinking wine and enjoying plenty of sex. He chose the hell only to be send to the fire pit for torture. When he complained that this wasn't fair, the main guy told him - dude, don't think immigration and tourism are the same thing.
I'm sure hoping that there will be something better than a fire pit waiting for me! [emoji23]
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Quote from: sarah1972 on July 28, 2017, 09:52:17 AM
And I thought this is only me.. Being slutty pretty much stopped the day I took the first pill of E. Now my goal is to blend in with all the other soccer moms in my neighborhood. I pretty much see it as overcompensating for the missing hormones. I still enjoy to look good and sexy, but more in a classy way.
Me too! Great Sarah's think alike. :D
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on July 28, 2017, 11:43:55 AM
UPDATE:
So it's official... I'll be meeting my boss for my "little" revelation next Wednesday (02/08) at around 10:00. [rumble of a drum...] It'll be five of the longest days in my recent life! [emoji352][emoji4]
Myriads of hugs for this fantastic support group! [emoji134]
Sarah
Yay!! Good luck! Hopefully the waiting is the only bad part. :icon_hug:
I didn't mean that. We all be well received in paradise
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Quote from: elkie-t on July 28, 2017, 12:56:27 PM
I didn't mean that. We all be well received in paradise
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I know, Elkie... [emoji4] I was just kidding. For my part, I feel that I'm already in Heaven!
Big Hug, Sarah [emoji259]
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Way to go girl! It will be great!
~Sarah
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on July 28, 2017, 11:43:55 AM
UPDATE:
So it's official... I'll be meeting my boss for my "little" revelation next Wednesday (02/08) at around 10:00. [rumble of a drum...] It'll be five of the longest days in my recent life! [emoji352][emoji4]
Myriads of hugs for this fantastic support group! [emoji134]
Sarah
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oooops It seems someone let the Sarah out of the bottle and that genie ain't never going back in.
I see a similarity with you and myself. Once we started coming out it just kind of gushed and carried us on in a flood. We couldn't stop it if we wanted to. And neither of us wants to, it's too wonderful.
Wishing you nothing but the best for your talk with the boss.
Hugs,
Laurie
It's scary to go out to general (not LGBT-only) public in the daylight. But once you're out and nothing bad really happens (at least that's how it is nowadays in most of USA), it's not scary anymore...
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HUGE UPDATE!
Soooo.... I HAPPENED!!! IT'S DONE!!! [emoji28]
I came out to my boss! We sat at a café in the Grote Markt of a small city nearby and I told him that I had written a letter for him to read and that I'd like him to read it "here and now" and after he's done with the reading we would discuss... He began reading... He kept reading... He finished reading. And then, smiling:
"Sarah, I'm really happy that you came out to me! I think you should have done it sooner. What were you afraid of? People should live the way they feel happy and if in your case that means transitioning from man to woman, so be it! I'm really happy with you doing this!"
I couldn't believe my ears. Was this just a very vivid dream? I pinched myself under the table, just to be sure and... Ouch! Nope... Definitely not a dream!
And then, he kept on saying that some people had noticed changes about me. They didn't talk much in my back. Apparently, some of them think that I'm coming out as gay (well... technically they're not entirely wrong because... well... I'm a lesbian)... A few have mentioned the possibility that I could be transgender. But he also said that nobody had expressed a negative view about it!
He said that his best friend is gay, he has many homossexual friends and he also happens to have a friend who is transgender. He said that my transition won't change absolutely zilch about the entirely positive opinion that he has about me.
He gave me an example of which I wasn't aware. A colleague of us, one of the top emergency doctors in the country, Winne Haenen, who transitioned at the age of 55. She was the top responsible emergency physician (catastrophe manager) during the 2016 Brussels terrorist attacks and that fatidic March 22 was actually her first day as Winne (she was formerly known as Wim).
He proceeded advising me not only to come out as soon as possible to our team (doctors and nurses), so they get comfortable with the idea, but also to do it face to face, because there was absolutely no reason to expect negative reactions and an e-mail would "sound" too impersonal. After talking with him, I do share his view and no later than tomorrow I'll be coming out to four of my fellow doctors!
He also told me that there would be absolutely no problems with asking for a 4 week leave for my FFS (and probably a part of my BCS, perhaps BA); it would just be a matter of planning ahead.
Then, my boss's girlfriend joined us and a few seconds before she actually sat down, my boss asked me if I was okay with him telling her and I thought... whatever: "Sure!" And OMG, she reacted so naturally and friendly! She asked me if I intended to fully transition and told me she liked my chosen name. [emoji39]
And there we spent almost 2 hours, although it felt more like 30 minutes.
You know, girls... Today, I have the feeling that not only I came out to my boss and prepared the terrain for the rest of my coming out at work, but I also gained two good friends. I am sooooo happy!
Thank you all a million times for your support! You can't remotely fathom how crucial were your words along the last few weeks, since beginning this thread. You helped me exorcise the fear and shame which were preventing me from blossoming into the woman I am, the Sarah I've always been. Thank you... [emoji4][emoji22][emoji4][emoji22][emoji4][emoji22][emoji259]
This is just one more (huge) step along this rocky road, but it feels soooo good and just makes me crave getting quickly to the next challenge! Promise I'll keep you posted about my adventures!
Your sister and friend in heart,
Sarah
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Wow, this is awesome news, Sarah! Congratulations on coming out to your boss, and on your decision to come out to the whole workplace! What an amazing journey you have made in a short time! I have joy in my heart from reading your post. :) :eusa_dance: :eusa_clap: :icon_dance:
Quote from: KathyLauren on August 02, 2017, 09:21:35 AM
Wow, this is awesome news, Sarah! Congratulations on coming out to your boss, and on your decision to come out to the whole workplace! What an amazing journey you have made in a short time! I have joy in my heart from reading your post. :) :eusa_dance: :eusa_clap: :icon_dance:
Thank you Kathy! Yes, that's definitely the word: pure JOY. [emoji4]
Hugs, Sarah
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Hi Sarah,
That was absolutely wonderful! Reading your account literally brought a tear of joy to my eye and then it overflowed to run down my cheek as I continued to read your story. It sounds like you are all set and what a wonderful change in you from that scared lady who was afraid to wear women's clothes to a therapy appointment.
So happy for you Sarah, so happy such a short time ago.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on July 28, 2017, 02:04:56 PM
oooops It seems someone let the Sarah out of the bottle and that genie ain't never going back in.
I see a similarity with you and myself. Once we started coming out it just kind of gushed and carried us on in a flood. We couldn't stop it if we wanted to. And neither of us wants to, it's too wonderful.
Wishing you nothing but the best for your talk with the boss.
Hugs,
Laurie
Oh yes, Laurie... I never dreamed things would blossom the way they are. How in heaven would it be possible not to want more, more and more? It's... I don't know how to put it in words. The sensation that we feel, I mean. It's something of another world. [emoji4]
Hugs, Sarah
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Happy for you. I wish I live in Belgium :)
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Quote from: elkie-t on August 02, 2017, 10:33:31 AM
Happy for you. I wish I live in Belgium :)
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Thanks, elkie... It means a lot to me. You know it. [emoji130] And about Belgium, you know you'll always have a guide!
Big warm hug, Sarah
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I'm so happy for you Sarah!! I'm... I'm not crying... :icon_tears:
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 02, 2017, 08:55:49 AM
She asked me if I intended to fully transition and told me she liked my chosen name. [emoji39]
Of course she does! ;D
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 02, 2017, 12:25:01 PM
Thanks, elkie... It means a lot to me. You know it. [emoji130] And about Belgium, you know you'll always have a guide!
Big warm hug, Sarah
What was it? What changed you so much from guilt-driven person not sure if it is ok to dress femininely to a therapist, to a blossoming young lady that is fully out to work (and presumably home) in such a short period of time?
Was it your first public outing into the town (where you took a walk by a river)?
Quote from: elkie-t on August 02, 2017, 07:20:20 PM
What was it? What changed you so much from guilt-driven person not sure if it is ok to dress femininely to a therapist, to a blossoming young lady that is fully out to work (and presumably home) in such a short period of time?
Oh, Elkie... Sometimes I stop and ask myself that very same question. I think that, since the end of 2016 until now, I was fortunate enough to be living the proverbial "perfect storm". Right place, right time, right people, right workplace, right profession, right wife, right kids, right physical potential and all this lead to, well, the right mindset. A part of this was a function of my efforts and success fighting shame and fear, but I'm also humble enough to reckon that there was a big part of fortune to it all.
Fortuna imperatrix mundi, isn't it?
The other day I was reflecting about all this and I felt that it was really like a domino effect. The dominoes were there all the time, since the very moment of my birth, full of potential but still useless until triggered by something. That trigger came a few months ago, as you know. And a domino effect goes fast... So everything was more or less already in place, the raw material was there all along. It just needed a spark to light up.
And also, as many of you girls have pointed out, it
does get easier. This morning I went to the ED were I work. There were two colleagues who were leaving their shift, and two others starting (one of them my boss, to whom I came out not earlier than yesterday morning). One by one, I invited them to a private room and came out them... The three of them reacted in a totally calm and accepting way, saying that they understood, that I should indeed follow my own path to happiness and that whatever I needed I could count on their full support. One of them told me she was already pretty sure that I was transgender because she had seen almost the same changes while working with our colleague Dr. Winne Haenen (whom I mentioned in a post yesterday) when she was going through her own transition. So you see, Elkie: it
is undeniably the perfect storm!
Quote from: elkie-t on August 02, 2017, 07:20:20 PM
Was it your first public outing into the town (where you took a walk by a river)?
Well, that was a milestone indeed. I remember that I felt a big lack of confidence before that and the fact of daring to do it once, inevitably made subsequent moves not only easier, but even desirable! It was one the first dominoes to fall, I think... But not the first. I think that it all began about 6 months ago, when I said to myself: "Stop fighting her. Stop fighting yourself. You are a woman and were never meant to be anything else besides a woman. Take the step and don't look back". I accepted who I was, who I've always been. From then on, the dominoes just started falling one after the other... [emoji4]
Hugs, Sarah
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Perfect Storm - that is a great description and it was the same for me. From going out in public outside of my "safe zones" to be full-time and out to everyone in less than 3 weeks. One thing lead to the next and each step was so encouraging that I just could not stop...
I have to admit I fell into a bit of a hole afterwards. Being a bit exhausted by all the changes and the big question of what comes next in my transition.
Hugs, ~Sarah
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 03, 2017, 06:28:10 AM
Oh, Elkie... Sometimes I stop and ask myself that very same question. I think that, since the end of 2016 until now, I was fortunate enough to be living the proverbial "perfect storm". Right place, right time, right people, right workplace, right profession, right wife, right kids, right physical potential and all this lead to, well, the right mindset. A part of this was a function of my efforts and success fighting shame and fear, but I'm also humble enough to reckon that there was a big part of fortune to it all. Fortuna imperatrix mundi, isn't it?
The other day I was reflecting about all this and I felt that it was really like a domino effect. The dominoes were there all the time, since the very moment of my birth, full of potential but still useless until triggered by something. That trigger came a few months ago, as you know. And a domino effect goes fast... So everything was more or less already in place, the raw material was there all along. It just needed a spark to light up.
And also, as many of you girls have pointed out, it does get easier. This morning I went to the ED were I work. There were two colleagues who were leaving their shift, and two others starting (one of them my boss, to whom I came out not earlier than yesterday morning). One by one, I invited them to a private room and came out them... The three of them reacted in a totally calm and accepting way, saying that they understood, that I should indeed follow my own path to happiness and that whatever I needed I could count on their full support. One of them told me she was already pretty sure that I was transgender because she had seen almost the same changes while working with our colleague Dr. Winne Haenen (whom I mentioned in a post yesterday) when she was going through her own transition. So you see, Elkie: it is undeniably the perfect storm!
Well, that was a milestone indeed. I remember that I felt a big lack of confidence before that and the fact of daring to do it once, inevitably made subsequent moves not only easier, but even desirable! It was one the first dominoes to fall, I think... But not the first. I think that it all began about 6 months ago, when I said to myself: "Stop fighting her. Stop fighting yourself. You are a woman and were never meant to be anything else besides a woman. Take the step and don't look back". I accepted who I was, who I've always been. From then on, the dominoes just started falling one after the other... [emoji4]
Hugs, Sarah
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Quote from: sarah1972 on August 03, 2017, 06:37:02 AMOne thing lead to the next and each step was so encouraging that I just could not stop...
It's exactly like that, yes!
Quote from: sarah1972 on August 03, 2017, 06:37:02 AM
I have to admit I fell into a bit of a hole afterwards. Being a bit exhausted by all the changes and the big question of what comes next in my transition.
It IS exhausting! I often feel the need to sit down with a nice cup of french roast and reflect about what's going, take a step back and look at the big picture, taste the sublime joy that I'm going through and smile at that full blown woman that I see in my future. [emoji4]
P.S. the last colleague whom I talked to this morning told me 2 or 3 times that I had chosen a very pretty name. Thought you'd like to know... [emoji6]
Hugs, Sarah
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I'm so happy for you!
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So happy for you Sarah , I glad you have blossomed at last, I seen to be going backwards rather that forwards.
Sara.
Quote from: coldHeart on August 03, 2017, 09:45:42 AM
So happy for you Sarah , I glad you have blossomed at last, I seen to be going backwards rather that forwards.
Sara.
Oh Sara... Come on, girl! Cheer up! [emoji4] I know that this is a period of grace for me; it will not last forever (I wish!). I also know that sometimes, in order to take two steps forward, one must first take one backward! [emoji130] Don't be put down by obstacles, girl... Remember: you are a SARA! Do I really need to say more?[emoji6]
Big hug with a nice cup of freshly brewed courage and hope for you! [emoji477]
Your sis, Sarah
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Quote from: coldHeart on August 03, 2017, 09:45:42 AM
So happy for you Sarah , I glad you have blossomed at last, I seen to be going backwards rather that forwards.
Sara.
Lets see, you went to a group meeting as yourself, you are working on HRT, you have explained to you wife what you must do and you are willing to go out in public as yourself again. Just a month or two ago you wouldn't consider doing any of these things. The transition is a series of small steps and you have taken several. Sometimes you reach the point where you need to pause and it seems like you aren't making progress any longer. It's a long journey but you are on your way.
Quote from: coldHeart on August 03, 2017, 09:45:42 AM
So happy for you Sarah , I glad you have blossomed at last, I seen to be going backwards rather that forwards.
Sara.
Then turn yourself around and take a step Sara. Forward is that a way ----->.
Seriously Sara you do need to turn your thinking around and think of what steps you can take to make progress instead of thinking you cannot do anything. You can make progress but you have to try first.
You can do it.
Hugs,
Laurie
So today I went to my first appointment with a speech therapist. Since it was the first time, it served to make a base evaluation. Apparently, my tone is situated on the more feminine extremity of the gender-ambiguous spectrum (190Hz) and because I won't be needing a tracheal shave, the therapist said she was very optimistic that I can attain an easily passable feminine voice. Wow! However, she also detected a bit of hoarseness and so she asked me to go consult an ORL to make sure the vocal cords are okay.
I went to the appointment "en Sarah", of course. This pic is especially for you. Elkie... lol
Hugs, Sarah(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170803/5d5c42ccc95082caa2cd0e025a46642a.jpg)
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Yes, you did chose a pretty name :angel:...
I had a few of those comments too!
Well, given that I live in the US and used to have a very German name no one could ever pronounce, I think they are just happy I chose something simple 8)
Given the amount of Sarah's on Susan's we may need to petition for a Sarah section somewhere ;D
Hugs - Sarah
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 03, 2017, 06:48:37 AM
P.S. the last colleague whom I talked to this morning told me 2 or 3 times that I had chosen a very pretty name. Thought you'd like to know... [emoji6]
Hugs, Sarah
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My problem is have no confidence or self believe, which seams from a horrific childhood, my dysphoria is really bad so I need to be Sara sooner rather that later.
Sarah v, looking really stunning.
Out of interest how many Sarah's are there?.
Sara.
Oh yes forgot, if any one has a spare mojo going well I'm after one lol.
Sara
Quote from: coldHeart on August 03, 2017, 06:28:32 PM
My problem is have no confidence or self believe, which seams from a horrific childhood, my dysphoria is really bad so I need to be Sara sooner rather that later.
Sarah v, looking really stunning.
Out of interest how many Sarah's are there?.
Sara.
We are working on opening you up but it take time. You are already becoming comfortable around us and as you become your true self, you will become comfortable with others.
As for the numbers of Sarahs, looks like something over 100. As for Denas, looks like three ;D
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 03, 2017, 05:28:01 PM
So today I went to my first appointment with a speech therapist. Since it was the first time, it served to make a base evaluation. Apparently, my tone is situated on the more feminine extremity of the gender-ambiguous spectrum (190Hz) and because I won't be needing a tracheal shave, the therapist said she was very optimistic that I can attain an easily passable feminine voice. Wow! However, she also detected a bit of hoarseness and so she asked me to go consult an ORL to make sure the vocal cords are okay.
I went to the appointment "en Sarah", of course. This pic is especially for you. Elkie... lol
Hugs, Sarah(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170803/5d5c42ccc95082caa2cd0e025a46642a.jpg)
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More good news Sarah. You just keep on going girl.
Hugs,
Laurie
I don't think you need me to nitpick your most recent outfit. Obviously it was supposed to be low key and comfortable and achieved it wonderfully (there's a huge difference between dressing up for a special event and dressing for some routine business).
What I wanted to say, it is important not to have your life turning around your transition all the time. Try to find some activity that both you and your spouse are enjoying together (but with the opportunity to meet other people - and have those meeting revolving around a common hobby and not your transition). It can be a gym, salsa dancing or rock climbing, or hiking/backpacking - quite anything - as long as both of you will look forward to do it on more or less regular basis as girlfriends (shopping is a serious business, not a hobby! Don't became a shopaholic like me, or you'll never have any money saved).
Harvard university studies showed that people having active social life live on average 10 yrs longer and have much better quality of life than loners... I would trust Harvard, their motto is 'Veritas'
Quote from: sarah1972 on August 03, 2017, 06:03:54 PM
Given the amount of Sarah's on Susan's we may need to petition for a Sarah section somewhere ;D
It would appear there are more people here named Sarah, than any other name. I find it fascinating. And, of course it's a pretty name. That's why I took it 26 years ago. :-)
Quote from: coldHeart on August 03, 2017, 06:28:32 PM
My problem is have no confidence or self believe, which seams from a horrific childhood, my dysphoria is really bad so I need to be Sara sooner rather that later.
Sarah v, looking really stunning.
Out of interest how many Sarah's are there?.
Sara.
WE believe in you, Sara. Never forget that & you'll be able to believe in yourself, too. :icon_hug:
And it should be a Sara(h) section!
Quote from: elkie-t on August 03, 2017, 10:36:11 PM
I don't think you need me to nitpick your most recent outfit. Obviously it was supposed to be low key and comfortable and achieved it wonderfully (there's a huge difference between dressing up for a special event and dressing for some routine business).
What I wanted to say, it is important not to have your life turning around your transition all the time. Try to find some activity that both you and your spouse are enjoying together (but with the opportunity to meet other people - and have those meeting revolving around a common hobby and not your transition). It can be a gym, salsa dancing or rock climbing, or hiking/backpacking - quite anything - as long as both of you will look forward to do it on more or less regular basis as girlfriends (shopping is a serious business, not a hobby! Don't became a shopaholic like me, or you'll never have any money saved).
Harvard university studies showed that people having active social life live on average 10 yrs longer and have much better quality of life than loners... I would trust Harvard, their motto is 'Veritas'
Very interesting... And I also found out that:
QuoteA sense of humor helps to keep people healthy and increases their chances of reaching retirement age.
- researchers at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology (NTNU) have found.
Dear Elkie, the pic was just a tease... I was trying to be humorous but, well, I guess stand-up comedy won't be my hobby! [emoji23] Please, forgive me if I was annoying... I promise I'll try hard to keep my frontal lobes in check! Thanks anyway for you veiled compliment... [emoji4]
Yeah... about hobbies. I love travelling and cycling in family and we usually do it pretty regularly, but at this moment my wife and the kids are abroad and they'll be coming back in a couple of weeks, finally! I sometimes do it alone, but it's not as fun of course. I also enjoy very much reading and working in the garden... But what I LOVE above all is cooking! And then share what I cook, have feedback... I feel like a magician, when I cook! And I love doing it with my wife and kids!
I never had many friends, Elkie (and I'm pretty sure that I can trace that back to my gender issues) and this is still true. With my transition, I expect to have even less... But the good news is that I'm becoming much more expansive and willing to meet new people. So there's hope. But you ARE right, hobbies and social life ARE important. For some time now I was trying to convince my beloved to begin hikking... I think I'm gonna remind her. [emoji6]
Elkie... Thanks girl! You know how much your comments are appreciated!
Big warm hug, Sarah
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Quote from: elkie-t on August 03, 2017, 10:36:11 PM
Try to find some activity that both you and your spouse are enjoying together (but with the opportunity to meet other people - and have those meeting revolving around a common hobby and not your transition). It can be a gym, salsa dancing or rock climbing, or hiking/backpacking - quite anything - as long as both of you will look forward to do it on more or less regular basis as girlfriends (shopping is a serious business, not a hobby! Don't became a shopaholic like me, or you'll never have any money saved).
Harvard university studies showed that people having active social life live on average 10 yrs longer and have much better quality of life than loners... I would trust Harvard, their motto is 'Veritas'
Elkie good call! I've spent many happy miles biking with friends, rock climbing etc, my partner has her own set of activities and we shop together and cook well together.
As to Harvard ... Well there are other institutes along the river Charles, we all love that dirty water though :-)
Sarah, so awesome that you bike with family, I'd love to ride over there someday, Belgium sounds amazing.
Quote from: SadieBlake on August 04, 2017, 05:36:18 AM
Elkie good call! I've spent many happy miles biking with friends, rock climbing etc, my partner has her own set of activities and we shop together and cook well together.
As to Harvard ... Well there are other institutes along the river Charles, we all love that dirty water though :-)
Sarah, so awesome that you bike with family, I'd love to ride over there someday, Belgium sounds amazing.
Two years ago, I almost convinced my wife and two kids to do the Kungsleden (King's Trail) in Sweden... Almost... [emoji19] But Sarah is a very persistent girl and when she really wants something, get out of the way! I'll sure try to convince them to do it next year!
Belgium (and especially Flanders) is very good to bike in family because it's mainly flat. We often go biking in the Netherlands as well, as almost every national park has long bike trails.
Hugs, Sarah
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 04, 2017, 08:39:02 AM
Two years ago, I almost convinced my wife and two kids to do the Kungsleden (King's Trail) in Sweden... Almost...
Belgium (and especially Flanders) is very good to bike in family because it's mainly flat. We often go biking in the Netherlands as well, as almost every national park has long bike trails.
Hugs, Sarah
Woot! You know I'm not so much into hiking for its own sake tho I did do a lot of it in my teens. What gets me out into the woods or mountains is to go climbing, for that I'll hear up and go miles in rough terrain, spend cold nights with only light summer rated gear etc.
Maybe your family needs particular motivation? Certainly the Kungsleden sounds gorgeous!
And yes, the Netherlands have huge allure for easy bike terrain, especially now as I'm so much out of shape for climbing hills :-/.
UPDATE:
So before travelling to Hungary for my hair transplantation, I came out to the head nurse of my department. She was surprised, but accepted the fact in an incredibly natural way, saying that it's okay and I shouldn't worry about it - the whole nursing team would be fine with it. According to her, I've simply been a male doctor and I'll become a female doctor and there's nothing more about it. "It's a perfectly natural move, doctor. If you feel that you are a woman inside, why should you live as a male?" I was very happy with her reaction, needless to say.
So we agreed that she would send a very simple e-mail to the whole team during my absence, in which I simply stated that I am transgender and that I'll be fully transitionning to female in the upcoming months; I gave her two brochures in Dutch (one about transgenders at the workplace and the other with the title "Everything you always wanted to know about transgender people and never dared to ask" that will be available to whoever wants to read them (they are also available online, pdf version, for free) and Sarah's e-mail address, asking people to feel free to write to me for questions, comments, etc.
During my stay in Budapest I received three e-mails, all of them extremely accepting and assuring their full support in this journey of mine! The last one was actually from the whole team and they told me they would fully back me! Wow! They asked if they should call me Dr. Sarah as soon as I come back from vacation, but I told them that they should keep calling me by my male name until I'm done with FFS and have my name officially changed (although "Dr. Sarah" is music to my ears... [emoji5])...
So, not so slowly, this Sarah keeps coming out from her shell...
Tomorrow it's my third laser session (beard) and I hope the swelling on my face will have disappeared by then (a massive hair transplantation does that).
Thursday, it's my consultation with the maxillo-facial surgeon who will perform the lower jaw setback part of my FFS.
Can't wait to be able to use a head cover again (3 weeks) but I'll still be using a surgical cap at work because it doesn't actually touch the implanted hairs. Besides, the surgical cap feminizes my face big time... [emoji6]
Hugs, Sarah
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Amazing. You are living life in the fast lane... It was not even a 6 weeks ago and you have been scared to show Sarah to your therapist. Now look at you: Hair transplants, looking at FFS... So happy for you!
Once you let Sarah out of the box she really wants it all! (at least for this Sarah it was that way).
You could have asked to be called "Dr. Sarah" - I am far away from passing (occasional male fail) and for various reasons far away from surgery but I have asked to be called Sarah at work. You look so female already, I am sure it would be fine :)
Enjoy Budapest :)
That's so great Dr. Sarah!! I'm very happy for you!
You're on such a roll, I can't imagine how exciting and gratifying that must be.
Hi Sarah,
WOW! You can't ask for a better reception to the news than the support your workplace is showing you. Are you sure you are not part race horse? You sure seem to be going forward at a break neck speed. Don't forget to take time out to smell the roses and count your blessings, dear. Watching you emerge as that scared young lady afraid to go to a therapy session as yourself not so long ago and then sprinting off to a headlong rush has truly been wonderful to watch, Sarah.
I hope all goes well with the hair and FFS. I think we already know how your return to work is going to go...
Hugs,
Laurie
Sometimes, all it takes is to remove the last obstacles. Obviously Dr Sarah made a lot of work in preparations even before coming out and waited long enough to satisfy any gatekeeper. Now, it makes a lot of sense to run full speed ahead to minimize 'in-between' stage. Once you're accepted by your family and out at your work, there's no need to delay physical transition and long-awaited beauty procedures
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Quote from: sarah1972 on August 16, 2017, 04:32:24 AM
Amazing. You are living life in the fast lane... It was not even a 6 weeks ago and you have been scared to show Sarah to your therapist. Now look at you: Hair transplants, looking at FFS... So happy for you!
Once you let Sarah out of the box she really wants it all! (at least for this Sarah it was that way).
You could have asked to be called "Dr. Sarah" - I am far away from passing (occasional male fail) and for various reasons far away from surgery but I have asked to be called Sarah at work. You look so female already, I am sure it would be fine :)
Enjoy Budapest :)
Thanks Sarah! [emoji4]
No doubt everything is going very fast, but as Elkie eloquently puts it, the two big barriers to this transition no longer exist. Coming out to my family and at my workplace made everything else easy and I no longer see any need to wait for decisions... The decisions are all made. Now, what's difficult is to be patient enough for the developments. I WANT IT AAAAAALLLLLLLLLL! ASAP![emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]
With my recent hair transplantation, I now look like a trans version of GI Jane ([emoji23]) and I know that I will have to wait several months before clearly seeing the results. So I'll have to be patient... But at least I now have a decently feminine hairline! [emoji136]
Still 7 or 8 months to go until my FFS... So I'll have to be patient.
In the meantime, I'll just entertain myself with the laser sessions (after that, electrolysis to get rid of the greys and whites), improving my makeup skills, letting Sarah go outside more often, voice therapy... As soon as I'm decently recovered from my hair procedure (~3 weeks), I plan on getting my ears pierced. [emoji39]
As for the "Dr. Sarah", right now I just wouldn't feel comfortable... My facial structure still is an important source of dysphoria to me. Hopefully, things will be much better when I get my FFS. But you know what? In the meantime, if someone correctly genders me as female (not gonna happen, says the pessimist in me... lol) then I WILL consider being called Dr. Sarah. [emoji6]
Big hug and thanks for your support!
Sarah
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Quote from: Sarah_P on August 16, 2017, 07:23:04 AM
That's so great Dr. Sarah!! I'm very happy for you!
You're on such a roll, I can't imagine how exciting and gratifying that must be.
I'm in heaven, Sarah... And for my sisters on Susan's, no "Dr" please! [emoji4]
Big hug, Sarah
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Quote from: Laurie on August 16, 2017, 09:42:47 AM
Hi Sarah,
WOW! You can't ask for a better reception to the news than the support your workplace is showing you. Are you sure you are not part race horse? You sure seem to be going forward at a break neck speed. Don't forget to take time out to smell the roses and count your blessings, dear. Watching you emerge as that scared young lady afraid to go to a therapy session as yourself not so long ago and then sprinting off to a headlong rush has truly been wonderful to watch, Sarah.
I hope all goes well with the hair and FFS. I think we already know how your return to work is going to go...
Hugs,
Laurie
Thank you Laurie!
You wouldn't believe how much you all contributed to this coming out! All started when you girls convinced me to go to this session with the therapist as Sarah! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! [emoji134]
I'm a little nervous about my return to work... but in a good sense.
I think I didn't mention it, but just before going on vacation, I also had a meeting with the Medical Director of the hospital and came out to him. Besides being very understanding and supportive, like everybody else in the hospital, he also suggested something that I found extraordinary, but even more extraordinary than the suggestion was my answer to it! He suggested for me to be interviewed by the editor of the internal journal of the hospital; this would be an opportunity to come out to the entire hospital staff, but also to talk about the issue of ->-bleeped-<-. My answer: "Wow! That's a wonderful idea! We'll talk about it when I'm back from vacation!" And I thought to myself: "OMG... What did just happen?! I was the most timid person in the world and now I'm agreeing to publicly say that I'm transsexual in a internal newspaper to an entire hospital?! What's going on with me?!" But with that thought in mind, I couldn't help but smile and give an eyeblink to that oh-so-happy Sarah! [emoji6] So he promised to talk to the editor about it and organize things... I'll keep you all posted about developments.
Big warm and grateful HUG,
Sarah
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Quote from: elkie-t on August 16, 2017, 10:18:56 AM
Sometimes, all it takes is to remove the last obstacles. Obviously Dr Sarah made a lot of work in preparations even before coming out and waited long enough to satisfy any gatekeeper. Now, it makes a lot of sense to run full speed ahead to minimize 'in-between' stage. Once you're accepted by your family and out at your work, there's no need to delay physical transition and long-awaited beauty procedures
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Elkiiiiiiie! [emoji312][emoji4]
So glad to see you! And you, girl, can definitely read my mind! It's exactly as you say! [emoji4]
Big hug, Sarah
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Sarah, reading this thread makes my heart joyful. It is wonderful to see you leaping ahead with confidence to become the real you!
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 16, 2017, 02:40:41 PM
Thank you Laurie!
You wouldn't believe how much you all contributed to this coming out! All started when you girls convinced me to go to this session with the therapist as Sarah! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! [emoji134]
I'm a little nervous about my return to work... but in a good sense.
I think I didn't mention it, but just before going on vacation, I also had a meeting with the Medical Director of the hospital and came out to him. Besides being very understanding and supportive, like everybody else in the hospital, he also suggested something that I found extraordinary, but even more extraordinary than the suggestion was my answer to it! He suggested for me to be interviewed by the editor of the internal journal of the hospital; this would be an opportunity to come out to the entire hospital staff, but also to talk about the issue of ->-bleeped-<-. My answer: "Wow! That's a wonderful idea! We'll talk about it when I'm back from vacation!" And I thought to myself: "OMG... What did just happen?! I was the most timid person in the world and now I'm agreeing to publicly say that I'm transsexual in a internal newspaper to an entire hospital?! What's going on with me?!" But with that thought in mind, I couldn't help but smile and give an eyeblink to that oh-so-happy Sarah! [emoji6] So he promised to talk to the editor about it and organize things... I'll keep you all posted about developments.
Big warm and grateful HUG,
Sarah
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Wow! Sarah.VanDistel - Celebrity.
LOL That's fantastic Sarah I'm sure you will do us all proud in the interview.
I can't wait to read all about it.
Hugs,
Laurie
(Little) update:
Today I took one more step in my combat against shyness and shame: I enrolled in Pilates lessons for the feminization of my body movements. These lessons are given at my gender clinic (2pass, in Antwerp). This will be somewhat of a milestone for me, because I'll have to put myself in awkward positions, wearing relatively tight gym clothes, in front of other people (albeit other MtFs)... and I've always been super shy, so... But I know that I really need to do this! So I'll just close my inner eyes and go to the class. I'm almost sure I'm gonna love it! [emoji4]
Hugs, Sarah
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 19, 2017, 07:46:28 AM
(Little) update:
Today I took one more step in my combat against shyness and shame: I enrolled in Pilates lessons for the feminization of my body movements. These lessons are given at my gender clinic (2pass, in Antwerp). This will be somewhat of a milestone for me, because I'll have to put myself in awkward positions, wearing relatively tight gym clothes, in front of other people (albeit other MtFs)... and I've always been super shy, so... But I know that I really need to do this! So I'll just close my inner eyes and go to the class. I'm almost sure I'm gonna love it! [emoji4]
Hugs, Sarah
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Good choice! Time to buy some leotards ;)
If my work experience is any indication, you have nothing to worry about. I was super nervous the first few times meeting coworkers or visiting customers (I work home office, so I rarely get to see them) and it was just a complete no topic. No questions, no discussion, everyone used she and Sarah. I am usually the one talking about it, if at all.
Good luck returning to work Dr. Sarah!
Hugs - Sarah...
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 16, 2017, 02:40:41 PM
I'm a little nervous about my return to work... but in a good sense.
Big warm and grateful HUG,
Sarah
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Quote from: sarah1972 on August 19, 2017, 10:42:35 AM
If my work experience is any indication, you have nothing to worry about. I was super nervous the first few times meeting coworkers or visiting customers (I work home office, so I rarely get to see them) and it was just a complete no topic. No questions, no discussion, everyone used she and Sarah. I am usually the one talking about it, if at all.
Good luck returning to work Dr. Sarah!
Hugs - Sarah...
Thanks Sarah! I'll let you know how it went! I'm going back Monday... [emoji4]
Hugs, Sarah...
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Hi Sarah,
I can't wait to hear all about your wonderful debut at work as I am sure that is what it will be. ((hugs)) girl. Ejoy your day Monday.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on August 19, 2017, 01:47:03 PM
Hi Sarah,
I can't wait to hear all about your wonderful debut at work as I am sure that is what it will be. ((hugs)) girl. Ejoy your day Monday.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hey, Laurie! [emoji4]
Thanks for your friendly words! It will be a little weird because I know that by now the whole hospital (or at least the people I usually deal with, such as colleagues from other departments) already knows. I'm prepared for a pinch of awkwardness, but I'm so happy that I'm almost eager for it! [emoji16]
Hugs, Sarah
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 19, 2017, 01:53:09 PM
Hey, Laurie! [emoji4]
Thanks for your friendly words! It will be a little weird because I know that by now the whole hospital (or at least the people I usually deal with, such as colleagues from other departments) already knows. I'm prepared for a pinch of awkwardness, but I'm so happy that I'm almost eager for it! [emoji16]
Hugs, Sarah
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Sarah,
Oh, I fully understand your bit of angst, but you should not let it bother you at all. I recommend you concentrate on that excitement you're feeling instead as I doubt you will run into any who are not going to be fully supportive of you and wish to share your joy. I'm happy I could have a part in seeing you grow.
Go and have fun, hun. It IS a big deal!
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: elkie-t on August 19, 2017, 10:22:22 AM
Good choice! Time to buy some leotards ;)
[emoji23] Well... When Sarah used to be... "sluttier"?... she loved wearing bodysuits, so a leotard would make perfect sense. But now it feels like it would be... impractical. I'm sure that if I wore one it would feel... nice? [emoji6] Anyways, I already have cute black & pink training tights and a training tank! [emoji39]
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 19, 2017, 02:04:16 PM
[emoji23] Well... When Sarah used to be... "sluttier"?... she loved wearing bodysuits, so a leotard would make perfect sense. But now it feels like it would be... impractical. I'm sure that if I wore one it would feel... nice? [emoji6] Anyways, I already have cute black & pink training tights and a training tank! [emoji39]
I still like old sexy style of girl fitness wear of 80s :) And it cannot be considered sluttier because it's all-female class :)
Quote from: elkie-t on August 19, 2017, 09:01:42 PM
I still like old sexy style of girl fitness wear of 80s :) And it cannot be considered sluttier because it's all-female class :)
Well, on that point you certainly got it right... Now you just made me remember the mornings when I was 13 or 14 and woke up a little earlier just to see that fitness show on TV and languishly think "hummm... if only I could be one of them..." [emoji57]
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So... How did the first day go? Hope everything did go OK for you!
Hugs Sarah
Quote from: sarah1972 on August 21, 2017, 02:11:16 PM
So... How did the first day go? Hope everything did go OK for you!
Hugs Sarah
Hi Sarah!
I'm sorry for not answering more promply, but I got your post when I was still on duty (24h shift). All I can say is: wow! As I already suspected, yesterday when I came back to work I was a little nervous about what would happen... But reactions were nothing but positive! Wow! I never brought up the subject, but the nurses did, slowly but surely...
During two different pre-hospital interventions, on the way back to the hospital the (female) nurses who accompanied me began asking questions. They asked very tactfully... First about how my vacations were... How the hair transplantation went... Hummm... "It must feel very liberating, doctor..." "This involves a hormonal treatment, right doctor?" Doing everything not to offend, in a very calm voice... At a point, I felt so much that I was talking to my equals, from woman to woman... They were cute as kitties... [emoji4] I just wanted to hug them! [emoji847]
At the department, I also had more than a few conversations, as much as allowed on a busy Monday. The guys offered a great deal support, also. "Respect, dokter!", said one of them while tapping his chest with his closed fist. I found it easier to talk about more intimate things (feelings, body changes) with the female nurses than with the male nurses. Everyone without exception told me not to worry and assured me that they would be my "protection ring" in the hospital! And in the middle of the night, from nurse T, I got to hear something that really made me smile: "Doctor, I... You made a nice choice with that surgical cap you're using. It fits you really well... And... Well... I was imagining... I think you're gona make a pretty woman. Your face, I mean... You don't have that many male facial features." You should have seen my smile, Sarah... [emoji4]
And with the patients, everything went really, really well. I feel that I'm even more empathic than before. I still present with my male name, so nobody thought I was a woman (I think), but I'm comfortable with this agenda of mine... [emoji57]
So in conclusion, Sarah, things couldn't have been better with my coming out at the department level. I am an unspeakably happy woman! [emoji4]
Big hugs, Sarah
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What a wonderful day Sarah! I could almost see that smile. bet you had a big grin most of the 24hr shift.
Glad it is all working good for you.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Sarah! Happy for you. You can introduce your female name to your coworkers. Maybe even change a name tag. The cat is out of the bag, so to speak.
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Hey girl to! What an awesome day! So happy for you. Amazing how well your coworkers have received the news. Being welcomed into the girls circle is just such a great sign of acceptance. Get us d to a lot more girl talk and learning about all their secrets.
Congratulations on such a important step!
Hi Girls! [emoji66]
Quote from: Laurie on August 22, 2017, 04:36:29 AM
What a wonderful day Sarah! I could almost see that smile. bet you had a big grin most of the 24hr shift.
Glad it is all working good for you.
Hugs,
Laurie
Yes, Laurie, it WAS a wonderful day! And I smiled so much... Even at this moment I'm smiling, because I know for sure that there are many more wonderful moments to come!
Hugs, Sarah
Quote from: elkie-t on August 22, 2017, 04:45:29 AM
Hi Sarah! Happy for you. You can introduce your female name to your coworkers. Maybe even change a name tag. The cat is out of the bag, so to speak.
Hi Elkie! Thanks! [emoji4] Actually, I've already told everyone at work that after I come back from my FFS, in March 2018, my official name will be Sarah. About the tag... lol Now that you mention it, yesterday I did notice that some people (mostly patients) looked at me and then at my badge and had that look "WT...?!" [emoji23] On the badge it's written "S. Familyname" but there's also an old photo of me, still totally male and bald, with big fluffy brows... I may have to change that pic to avoid confusions... [emoji28] Could it be that some people initially gendered me as female but then, seeing my ID, decided to gender me as male? I have to change that pic ASAP!
Quote from: sarah1972 on August 22, 2017, 05:48:51 AM
Hey girl to! What an awesome day! So happy for you. Amazing how well your coworkers have received the news. Being welcomed into the girls circle is just such a great sign of acceptance. Get us d to a lot more girl talk and learning about all their secrets.
Congratulations on such a important step!
Thanks, Sarah! I'm so happy! And it felt so good to talk in a soft voice about personal stuff with other girls... It's so strange... Before coming out, I avoided being too long around girls because I felt that people (the guys) would somehow "read" the queerness of my thoughts. But not anymore... I now feel much more comfortable and secure around girls. I thought this process would take much longer, but it is happening almost automatically. Infinite thanks for your words, Sarah! You're a sweet!
Hugs, Sarah
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That is so great!!! I'm super happy for you Sarah!!! :icon_hug:
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 22, 2017, 01:14:17 AM
I found it easier to talk about more intimate things (feelings, body changes) with the female nurses than with the male nurses.
I know what you mean! I can talk to my female friends about those things no problem, but talking to some of my male friends (even one whom I love as if he were my brother) I tend to avoid those topics.
I hope this is just the start of many many more happy days for you!
Little update:
So a couple of days ago I had my ears pierced for the first time in my life. I didn't find it significantly painful and felt very cute afterwise... lol While I was taking a seat to get the ears pierced, the young woman who was going to get the job done told me: you're supposed to keep them on for at least 6 weeks. When she said that I thought to myself: "Uh oh... so that means that on my next shift in the ER, in a couple of days, I'll be wearing earrings... You're totally crazy, Sarah!" and told her, with a big smile: "Yeah, sure! No problem!" [emoji4] I chose cute flowers made of white and pale blue gemstones.
Yesterday was also a very special day: the first day I went to work "en femme" from head to toe. I didn't wore a skirt or a dress, I just wore my style and I felt cute and feminine. Yes, I look like a military girl, but a girl nonetheless... and for me that's the point of all this. [emoji39] It was also the first day at hospital with my earrings! People looked a little surprised, but not in a bad way. I did get compliments from some (female) nurses!
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170828/741a347ae516920fe4b851fe76fe590d.jpg)
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170828/c78c45c4a9ece5abc772d1e4086f5461.jpg)
Hugs, Sarah [emoji136]
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Looking good girl!!
I *almost* got mine pierced this weekend, since while shopping with a friend there were a couple of stores I could have done it at. I did get 2 necklace & earring sets though, so I've got something all ready for when I do!
Quote from: Sarah_P on August 28, 2017, 11:56:45 AM
Looking good girl!!
I *almost* got mine pierced this weekend, since while shopping with a friend there were a couple of stores I could have done it at. I did get 2 necklace & earring sets though, so I've got something all ready for when I do!
Thanks Sarah! On the first pic I look a bit like a butch lesbian, no?... lol Anyways, I'm happy that I am now able to attain an acceptably nice skin using only minimal amounts of makeup.
About the piercing of my years, my plans dictated a good 4 or 5 weeks wait from now, but in a burst of impulsivity I went to the mall with my wife and my youngest kid, I stopped in front of the store and I said: "It's gonna happen today!" Voilá! [emoji28]
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I'd say (without any desire to upset you),
1st one - totally male (even with your boobs). Your pose is sort of a dominant male, lack of any feminine patters on your hat or top, dull military color. Well, military uniforms tend to make cisfemales to look as much male as possible.
2nd one is 60-40, still 'rather male than female', but your head wrap with a pattern, lip gloss, smile, softens your image a lot.
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 28, 2017, 03:00:34 PM
About the piercing of my ears, my plans dictated a good 4 or 5 weeks wait from now, but in a burst of impulsivity I went to the mall with my wife and my youngest kid, I stopped in front of the store and I said: "It's gonna happen today!" Voilá! [emoji28]
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Now that's my kind of a plan Sarah. Enjoy your new pretties.
Laurie
Quote from: elkie-t on August 28, 2017, 03:57:25 PM
I'd say (without any desire to upset you),
1st one - totally male (even with your boobs). Your pose is sort of a dominant male, lack of any feminine patters on your hat or top, dull military color. Well, military uniforms tend to make cisfemales to look as much male as possible.
Elkie... I'm in my first 1/3 of a transition, here... lol
QuoteDefinition of transition
1
a : passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another : change
b : a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another
I was happy because, for the very first time in my life, I went to work using only clothes intended for women. My intention wasn't to look like Barbie or Little Red Riding Hood, but just to get the "feeling". To test myself and the others.
You and others thankfully reminded me several times that what really matters is what we, individuals, feel. And I felt a woman. I felt good. I felt I took a step in the right direction. Did I reach my destination with that step? Hell, no... not yet. But I'm certainly a tiny little bit closer.
This, Elkie, is my pace... In the eyes of some transwoman, it may seem slow and fearful, in the eyes of others, blunt and brave. I don't really care because I know my path and at the end of this path I see myself, Sarah, with whatever clothes. [emoji57]
You may have already guessed that your comment did upset me... just a little bit... tiny, tiny little bit... I still like you very much! [emoji6] I love your comments and - please, please, please! - keep commenting! But don't forget that although our goal here is to attain a satisfactory womanhood reflecting what we feel, each of us has its own rythm, be it imposed by internal or external factors. In my case, I don't really feel that imposition, you know. I feel comfortable with this pace. Two days ago I went to work as Jo-An... but I'm sure that in a few weeks, slowly but surely, that military will progressively become a little less obviously male.
Just today, I went like this...
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170829/940ca5996a29974603e2d0eac7b8bd67.jpg)
A little better... a little more feminine... and so goes my pace, step by step, with the inner confidence that in a not so distant future I will finally attain the image I project from my true self. As I don't plan to come to work as a man, ever again, from today on I also asked to be called Sarah or Dr. C.
Quote from: elkie-t on August 28, 2017, 03:57:25 PM
2nd one is 60-40, still 'rather male than female', but your head wrap with a pattern, lip gloss, smile, softens your image a lot.
I agree... unfortunately, working as an ED physician, it's really not possible to use very flamboyant make up (such as a beautiful red lipstick or eyeliner). All I can do is try to subtly perfect my skin, hide problem areas (damn gray area... can't wait for it to disappear) and try to look like a normal girl with little makeup. I'm sure that when I'm done with the beard and FFS, things will become much more natural. [emoji18]
Hugs, Sarah
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Sorry, Sarah. I did not want to upset you. In fact, the less you hold to the old male image, the better you look as new you. In your case, little steps isn't the best route for your presentation (in my opinion), the more you accept your new image, the better you look. Don't hold your inner girl behind unisex appearances, go for what makes you feel good as it makes you also look much better.
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Quote from: elkie-t on August 29, 2017, 09:28:21 AM
Sorry, Sarah. I did not want to upset you. In fact, the less you hold to the old male image, the better you look as new you. In your case, little steps isn't the best route for your presentation (in my opinion), the more you accept your new image, the better you look. Don't hold your inner girl behind unisex appearances, go for what makes you feel good as it makes you also look much better.
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It's ok, Elkie... Actually, your bittersweet words worked more as a stimulus to become more adventurous! So I guess I should be thankful... What I am definitely not, is resentful! ☺ I am sometimes a little hesitant, for various reasons, but the foremost is because of my desire to remain "low profile", although I'm well aware that remaining low profile and transitioning are two self-excluding things. Still, I was hoping to remain as low profile as possible... It's true that each time I do something new, I am surprised by the lack of surprise of others. For my last shift, I went with a scarf on my head and nobody made a strange face or comment... I am now becoming convinced that, indeed, this is much less of a big deal than I thought.
Yesterday, I went to Ikea shopping with my wife, dressed as Sarah - I felt confident, dared to make eye contact with people (without sunglasses! [emoji6]) and it was a really nice feeling. Just before that, I went to get my vocal cords checked by an ENT, also dressed as Sarah. Tomorrow evening, Sarah will be going to a barbecue organised by the nursing staff of her ED... Today I came out to one of my best friends, whom I didn't see for 3 years and he was the most understanding and supportive person possible! And in a few minutes, I'll be sending my coming out email to the whole of my family. So barriers are falling almost without effort, more and more easily.
Thank you Elkie for existing! Thank you all!
Hugs, Sarah
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It's so hard to hold back after you've tasted all that sweet freedom, I know!
Congrats on finding an old friend (and an awesome one, at that!), and I hope coming out to your family goes well!
Quote from: Sarah_P on August 31, 2017, 05:12:32 PM
It's so hard to hold back after you've tasted all that sweet freedom, I know!
Congrats on finding an old friend (and an awesome one, at that!), and I hope coming out to your family goes well!
Oh yes! Totally true! But I think that approval plays a big role in encouraging our further coming out. If people react peacefully, with understanding and are even supportive, we feel much more confidence to take the next step. I reckon that I've been quite blessed in that regard. My mom and sister have so far cut relations with me; to my surprise, my father, with whom I've never had a close relationship, was the most accepting of my closest family. To compensate for this, I have tens of co-workers and a couple of friends who were super accepting and very supportive!
As for my family, I sent the coming out message yesterday and so far there were two reactions, both very positive and supportive, so I'm quite happy!
I forgot to mention something that happened yesterday... As I said, I went to my ENT appointment as Sarah. In went to the reception for registration and the lady who was attending asked me for my ID. I gave it to her, she inserted it in the reader and suddenly tells me (in Dutch): "Ui Ui! It looks like you gave me the wrong ID, Ma'am! This one is from a gentleman!" You should have seen my smile... I answered, with that big big smile: "No no, it's the correct ID..." And only then did she realize... She was super sweet and kept gendering me correctly! So gratifying! I just wanted to give her two big kisses on the cheeks and tell her: "You, Lady, made my day!" [emoji4]
Hugs, Sarah
P.S. I love your new avatar pic! [emoji6] S.V.D.
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 31, 2017, 11:43:05 PM
Oh yes! Totally true! But I think that approval plays a big role in encouraging our further coming out. If people react peacefully, with understanding and are even supportive, we feel much more confidence to take the next step. I reckon that I've been quite blessed in that regard.
I know I've been very lucky to have the all the positive reactions I've had from family & friends. Even my father, who's the only blood relative I've had any contact from in 20+ years seemed to take it fairly well (I have a feeling he may change his mind as I change). My step-mother, who's far more a parent to me than he ever was, has been very supportive. If it wasn't for her & my friends support (including my bosses!) I know this would have been much much harder, and I may not have had the confidence to have done all I've already done.
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 31, 2017, 11:43:05 PM
P.S. I love your new avatar pic! [emoji6] S.V.D.
Thank you! :icon_hug: I've been wanting to get a picture of me up, but all my selfies look awful. Thankfully my friend/boss that I spent the day with last weekend takes much better pictures. :)
Congrats
Quote from: stephaniec on September 01, 2017, 10:44:03 PM
Congrats
Thank you Stephanie! [emoji4]
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Sarah, from the photos your skin looks incredible. For the second time today, jealous, much.
I am gone for a week and all this happened?
Congratulations S V D! So many steps in such a short time (and we all knew it would happen this way!!!
Quote from: JoanneW on September 03, 2017, 01:25:35 AM
Sarah, from the photos your skin looks incredible. For the second time today, jealous, much.
Hi Joanne! Thanks girl, that's really sweet! [emoji39] I still have some irregularities in the places where beard still exists (including white beard... grrrr...), even after shaving, but with decent makeup skills I'm able to cover them pretty convincingly, at least at this distance. I hope that time + laser + electrolysis + HRT will do the rest.
However, I do take religiously care of my skin and spend about 20-30 minutes per day doing just that.
Morning routine: brow plucking (the little outliers grow literally overnight!), inspection and termination of possible rebel nose hairs (lol), mild exfoliation and thorough rinsing, massage with a few drops of a concentrate of hyaluronic acid, special moisturizer around the eyes, daytime moisturizer over the rest of the face and lip balm or lightly colored gloss (if I'm not going to wear lipstick); if I'm going out, this is the time when I apply some translucid primer and the rest of the makeup.
Night routine: wash & rinse with a makeup remover in gel which contains salicylic acid, special moisturizer around the eyes, nighttime moisturizer over the rest of the face and lip balm. About two times a week I use a homemade serum for my eyelashes. Sometimes, especially in the weekend, I use a refresher mask (sometimes clay, sometimes lemon - made by Garnier, not homemade).
I've doing this for the past ~8 months. It's true that over the last ~7 months I've been on HRT and that definitely helps, especially with the sebum (I uses to have a VERY oily skin - not anymore) and the acne (no traces of it anymore).
Hope this helps!
Hugs, Sarah
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Quote from: sarah1972 on September 03, 2017, 01:11:15 PM
I am gone for a week and all this happened?
Congratulations S V D! So many steps in such a short time (and we all knew it would happen this way!!!
Hi Sarah!
It's been quite a few days, hum? I missed you! [emoji134] And indeed, while you were away, I didn't sleep... lol
So just to keep you posted on more developments, I did go to the BBQ as Sarah and everything went superfine, nobody misgendered me. What I did find weird is the little kisses on the cheeks to men... definitely not my thing, but well... [emoji39]
Yesterday I went to Brussels, to a couple of "feminization workshops" organized by a French-speaking trans* organization (Genres Pluriels), about general demeanour (walking, sitting, standing in feminine ways...) and fashion according to body shape. It was my first time there and people were surprised at my progress in such a short timespan. Anyways, we practiced walking, both with flat shoes and heels... lol It was the first time I got to interact with other transwomen. We had lunch together at a Vietnamese restaurant nearby (it's in a neighborhood which is "ground zero" for the LGBT-movement, so very trans*-friendly). It was really fun and I look very much forward to go to the next workshops - they happen once a month and the next one will be about handcare (including nail polish!)
In the meanwhile, as I said in a previous post, I came out to my broadest family, starting with my cousins. So far, I wasn't able to reach all of them, but the ones I reach were totally supportive and I had a very big surprise... one of my cousins is dad of a young FtM (lets call him Seth)! Apparently, it still is a big secret, even inside the family, because Seth is not yet 18 (though almost). Seth told me that I just graduated to coolest family member and that I made his YEAR! [emoji2] I couldn't believe it myself! I mean... The odds were pretty slim, no? So a distant cousin just became one of my good friends, supporters and fan! So happy![emoji4]
Tomorrow is my next appointment with my therapist. It's been a while (because of the vacations and of my recent hair transplantation, I wasn't "presentable" for almost one week) so I'll have a lot to tell her... everything since my coming out to my boss! Not sure if one session will be enough... [emoji848] I also plan on asking her for the letter which will be necessary to have my name changed (I hope to get the letter from my endo at the end of the month). At this moment I'm already living as Sarah pretty much 80% of the time, which makes me really happy and relieved! But it also makes me want to officialize it, which includes officially updating my name... So (this is for you, Laurie!)... change of plans: I will not wait until my FFS! [emoji4]
Big hug,
Sarah Van Distel
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on September 04, 2017, 10:29:59 AM
... So (this is for you, Laurie!)... change of plans: I will not wait until my FFS! [emoji4]
Big hug,
Sarah Van Distel
Plans... I HATES Them! You are just zooming along Sarah and doing wonderfully at it. Seth sounds like a really cool kid.
laurie
Hi Sarah, your change of plans makes a lot of sense. FFS would make you more beautiful, yet you're already taking female social role... Hence, change of government documents would make your life a tad less awkward at moments
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I just can't keep up with you Sarah! ;)
Congrats on your new family friend! I hope the name change process goes smoothly for you. Mine's likely to be a bit difficult (thus why I'm looking into hiring a lawyer to help me with it).
I still see my therapist every month. She really helps me get everything in my mind clear, and I always feel lighter after our sessions. It made me sad to hear that most of her trans clients disappear after getting their HRT letters. :(
Quote from: elkie-t on September 04, 2017, 01:24:53 PM
Hi Sarah, your change of plans makes a lot of sense. FFS would make you more beautiful, yet you're already taking female social role... Hence, change of government documents would make your life a tad less awkward at moments
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Hi Elkie! [emoji847]
It's exactly because of these awkward situations. Main example is the fact that for legal reasons I have to identify myself with my real name before my patients (). It's too weird... One moment a nurse calls me Sarah (out of the sight of patients), next minute a patient calls me Sir... Grrrrrr... [emoji51] I know it's not their fault, poor things... So I have to change my name ASAP. It's not just something I fancy. It has become a vital necessity and I'm not waiting 6 more months. I was actually considering writing to my endo asking for his letter sooner, instead of waiting for the end of the month... ☺
Warm hugs, Sarah
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Quote from: Sarah_P on September 04, 2017, 01:36:52 PM
I just can't keep up with you Sarah! ;)
Congrats on your new family friend! I hope the name change process goes smoothly for you. Mine's likely to be a bit difficult (thus why I'm looking into hiring a lawyer to help me with it).
I still see my therapist every month. She really helps me get everything in my mind clear, and I always feel lighter after our sessions. It made me sad to hear that most of her trans clients disappear after getting their HRT letters. :(
Oh Sarah! We are all living such a very special moment of our lives... I mean, this metamorphosis... It's magical, really.
About the name change, I also hope that it won't be too complicated. I will have to take care of it at distance because my birth certificate is in Portugal and I live in Belgium. Although the rules are clear, their implementation is not always straightforward. My plan (yeah... plans... lol) is as soon as I have the letters I'll send an authenticated official translation of them to the public registry in Portugal. If I feel that things are taking too long, I can afford to make a couple of same-day return trips to Portugal (it's really cheap during the low season). I'd really love to already be officially Sarah before entering 2018... We'll see... [emoji849]
My sessions with my therapist are very important to me and I can't figure myself leaving in the foreseable future. She helps me explore certain venues in my mind, gives me much confidence and the simple fact that she listens to me is enough. To my therapist, I didn't even ask for the HRT letter. As she felt that I was ready, she offered to send it directly to my endo, which I gladly accepted! [emoji4]
Big warm hug [emoji847]
Sarah Van Distel
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Quote from: Laurie on September 04, 2017, 01:22:59 PM
Plans... I HATES Them! You are just zooming along Sarah and doing wonderfully at it. Seth sounds like a really cool kid.
laurie
[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23] I knew you'd write something along those lines! By now you've probably noticed that plans, for me, are important for providing a framework in time, but I am VERY flexible and adaptive. For example, FFS can unfortunately NOT happen before end of February because of my work schedule...
Seth is indeed a really great kid! I'll do my best to support him! [emoji4]
Hugs, Sarah
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Thanks for catching me up on all that happened... so amazing! Once you let Sarah out of the closet there is no pushing her back :-) I was all exhausted after three weeks of all my coming outs...
What a surprise you learned about another family member, glad you found a new best friend! I got a similar surprise when coming out the my parents: apparently one of my grandfathers was cross dressing!
Hope your name change goes easy!
Keep storming on girl!
Quote from: sarah1972 on September 04, 2017, 08:36:56 PM
Thanks for catching me up on all that happened... so amazing! Once you let Sarah out of the closet there is no pushing her back :-) I was all exhausted after three weeks of all my coming outs...
Yeah, right!? After all the coming outs, I myself feel stunned but nonetheless still super excited![emoji28]
Today I went to my appointment with my therapist and it was a very interesting and productive session. Besides telling her about the million exciting news that happened since the last time, we also discussed the deep reasons for still feeling insecure at times... I reached some very interesting insights that hopefully will help me adjust a bit more my mindset.
And she did agree to write the letter for asking for my name change! So I should receive it by mail in the upcoming days... Now I have to ask my endo for the same. [emoji4]
Warm hugs and thanks for all your support! [emoji134]
Sarah Van Distel
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Little update: My first male fail?
So yesterday I was at work, where the overwhelming majority of my patients call me simply "Doctor". After taking the clinical history of one patient I was about to leave the box, when he called me (in Dutch): "Ma'am... How long will it take for the lab results?" I was so so so so happy! [emoji7] And oh my smile! I was just wearing a bit of contour cream to hide the gray areas and some blush on my lips because at work it's just not practical to use full fledged makeup. So, for me at least, this is the closest I've ever been to male fail. And I know that if it happened once, it'll happen twice, thrice... And now, except for the official situations (for example when I write a prescription for a patient), I living full time... A couple of months ago I never thought this would be possible... Wow! So exciting!
Now, my top priorities: get rid of the remaining beard, change name, feminize voice, get FFS & BA! [emoji28]
Hugs, Sarah
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That's great Sarah! Congratulations! :)
Hi Sarah,
Congrats on the fail. My gosh girl, it wasn't that long ago you started this thread worrying about whether you should go to your therapy session dressed. Since then it been balls (ooops sorry) to the wall, full speed ahead.
What was that blur that just sped by? Oh, that's just Sarah on her way to herself.
Hugs,
Laurie
MINOR UPDATE
Still alive and doing relatively well... I am a bit in the doldrums of transition, I guess. No major change is going to happen in the immediate future, but still busy becoming who I really am. HRT keeps beautifully doing its thing... Busy with laser and electrolysis... You girls know the drill... :)
I've been now living full-time, except for some very short intervals when I have to interact with my patients (for example, for legal reasons, I can't sign a prescription as Sarah). Passing doesn't bother me so much anymore - I mean, it DOES bother me but I learned to just ignore that unavoidable aspect of transition. I read someplace that "Change is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end." I guess I am in the messy phase and sometimes it's fantastic, but at other times it sucks because I wish my FFS & BA were tomorrow (whoaaa...the gorgeous phase!!!). Well, patience... Only 5 months to go. ;)
Anyways, by the end of this month I'll be sending my paperwork to have my name and sex changed in the civil registry. Hopefully, in a few weeks time I'll be able to go REALLY 100% full time! What a relief it will be...
I had my first consultation at Ghent University Hospital, after an almost 9-month wait (some of you may remember my despair when I learned about that delay, back in February) but it went well and after hearing my account the doctor confirmed that my diagnosis is unquestionable (surprise, surprise... ;) ). The psychiatrist also scheduled my first appointment with the team which does SRS - it will be in March 2018 (the appointment, not the SRS!). :)
Today it's therapy day, but also my first appointment with the plastic surgeon who will be doing my BA and tummy tuck; we will also discuss hip augmentation (he can perform both fat transfer and artificial implants).
I'll keep you posted!
Kisses & Hugs to all of you!
Sarah
Such good news and progress, I believe frustrating, glad for it in the long run anyhow
Ok girls... I guess I made this my personal thread... lol... I'll keep on writing, even if not read, because I feel it to be like a kind of a journal.
Today, after my second consultation in Antwerp, began the countdown... 147 days from today, on the 15th February 2018, Dr. Bart Van De Ven is going to sculpt Sarah's new face... and five days later Dr. Maarten Doornaert will be tucking Sarah's tummy and rounding her hips with her own adipose tissue! [emoji6] For the BA, we'll have to wait a bit longer (Dr. Doornaert advises 1,5-2 years HRT... I'm just 7 months, so...).
So happy!!! [emoji7] And smiling looking at the title of the thread... [emoji4]
Warm hugs, Sarah
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170921/223ebc54eac8eb46eb34f08fbe145184.jpg)
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Quote from: Laurie on September 10, 2017, 01:56:57 PM
Hi Sarah,
Congrats on the fail. My gosh girl, it wasn't that long ago you started this thread worrying about whether you should go to your therapy session dressed. Since then it been balls (ooops sorry) to the wall, full speed ahead.
What was that blur that just sped by? Oh, that's just Sarah on her way to herself.
Hugs,
Laurie
Thank you Laurie! You are always so sweet! And yes, after that first domino felt, things went pretty fast! [emoji28] So much that when they slow down, I become a bit anxious...
Big warm hug! [emoji134]
Sarah
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Quote from: Sarah_P on September 10, 2017, 11:14:55 AM
That's great Sarah! Congratulations! :)
Thanks Sarah! [emoji134]
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Hi Sarah,
Slow down?? Where? You are still going full speed ahead. It's the bureaucrats and doctors that are dragging their feet. Meanwhile you are doing electrolysis and laser, pushing full time to the limits you can. Geeeeze girl it can't all happen overnight because although you're cute you aren't Cinderella going to the royal ball. It's going to time a few more days yet. Your doing great Sarah.
Hugs,
Laurie
I am always checking on your new posts. Happy for you
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Oh BTW I forgot to tell you I really like the new avatar.
You're looking better all the time.
Hugs,
Laurie
Yay Sarah!! I could use that tummy/hip work myself!
I agree with Laurie, I like your new avatar!
I can testify to this... my entire coming out / going full time was a matter 2 weeks and afterwards I was sitting at my therapist begging for hints what to do next... I was begging for the next adrenaline rush... I finally calmed down a little bit and I know the next steps. With family timing is a bit challenging and I have to postpone certain this longer than I want but I am moving along.
Glad to hear you are still moving full steam ahead :-)
Hugs Sarah
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on September 20, 2017, 07:43:02 PM
Thank you Laurie! You are always so sweet! And yes, after that first domino felt, things went pretty fast! [emoji28] So much that when they slow down, I become a bit anxious...
Big warm hug! [emoji134]
Sarah
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Quote from: Laurie on September 20, 2017, 07:54:20 PM
Hi Sarah,
Slow down?? Where? You are still going full speed ahead. It's the bureaucrats and doctors that are dragging their feet. Meanwhile you are doing electrolysis and laser, pushing full time to the limits you can. Geeeeze girl it can't all happen overnight because although you're cute you aren't Cinderella going to the royal ball. It's going to time a few more days yet. Your doing great Sarah.
Hugs, Laurie
I know, Laurie... I have to be more patient... I can't forget that things take their time. And anyways, I am still making little conquests almost every single day. Sometimes it's just finding out that applying my makeup in one way rather than another gives a nicer result... Buying new earrings... Discovering a new miracle primer for my skin... Being told by the laser lady that I'm getting quite impressive results on my beard... Waking up in the morning and finding it really hard to see my 5-o'clock shadow (it's still there, but much more difficult to see than a few months ago)... Having the FFS & tummy tuck + hip augmentation scheduled... Hearing my co-workers calling me Sarah... Taking the steps to have my name and gender officially changed...
Between the big milestones, I'm travelling along beautiful paths of cobblestones that I just have to take time to enjoy and admire. It's just that I went through so many major milestones in so little time that I feel almost numbed! [emoji4] Sometimes I need to take a deep breath... Tomorrow will be my first pilates lesson (it's given at my gender clinic and its declared purpose is to feminize body movements, posture, enhance fluidity) and I foresee that it will be very pleasant.
My wife also tells that I'm cute but I tend to not believe her because I think that she feels the obligation to please me. I was raised into being very self-conscious, self-critical and perfectionist... Sometimes I feel a little sad because I wonder what will be of myself if I'm never satisfied of how I look. I don't want to be very beautiful. I would be very content with being passable... the worst of it is not my passability in the eyes of others because I am resignated to the fact that for me 100% passability is not going to happen. What worries me is my passability in my own eyes. I wonder if the day will come when I look into the mirror and don't see myself as a woman in a male's body trying hard to look like a female (sometimes I feel that I'm quite succesful, but alas not always), but instead as a woman called Sarah, period. Am I expressing myself clearly?... [emoji54]
I've been working hard on this issue with the therapist and she suggested some tricks that I've been applying, so far with encouraging results. ☺
But don't get me wrong, Laurie... I am still MUCH happier than ever before my decision to transition! Just trying to smooth some edges along this somewhat rough path! [emoji6]
Quote from: Laurie on September 21, 2017, 03:18:40 AM
Oh BTW I forgot to tell you I really like the new avatar.
You're looking better all the time.
Thanks! [emoji4] I took the photo in the waiting room at the gender clinic in Antwerp, minutes before scheduling my FFS! [emoji10]
Big warm hug, Laurie!
Sarah
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Quote from: elkie-t on September 20, 2017, 10:54:26 PM
I am always checking on your new posts. Happy for you
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Thanks Elkie!
Did you know that I am ALWAYS very happy whenever I see a notification of a post from you? Thanks for being there... really! [emoji134]
Gigantic fluffy hug, Sarah
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Quote from: Sarah_P on September 21, 2017, 07:13:18 AM
Yay Sarah!! I could use that tummy/hip work myself!
I agree with Laurie, I like your new avatar!
Thanks Sarah! [emoji4] For the tummy/hip work, I'm still waiting for the quote from Dr. Doornaert. I hope I won't make an infarct when I see it... lol
Thousand Hugs, Sarah
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P.S. In the mean time I got the quote and it'll be €6480, all included. It's approximately what I already had in mind... There's the possibility to get a reimbursement of about €2500 because the abdominoplasty is happening after a >30kg weight loss, so it would effectively cost me about €4000. Not bad... [emoji849]
Quote from: sarah1972 on September 21, 2017, 08:50:54 AM
I can testify to this... my entire coming out / going full time was a matter 2 weeks and afterwards I was sitting at my therapist begging for hints what to do next... I was begging for the next adrenaline rush... I finally calmed down a little bit and I know the next steps. With family timing is a bit challenging and I have to postpone certain this longer than I want but I am moving along.
Glad to hear you are still moving full steam ahead :-)
Hugs Sarah
Hi Sarah!
Yes... when things slow down a bit, the wait becomes a bit uncomfortable... lol
In my case, family is not the culprit (if it depended on them, I'd be having FFS and everything else right tomorrow) but the fact that it would be almost impossible at this time to schedule a 4-week leave from work on such a short notice; in the ED, our work schedule is already established until February 2018! And I really didn't want to disrupt the functioning of the Department. So now I have my leave guaranteed from 14/02 to 14/03/2018 to give me time to recover from the surgeries... but I'll have to wait until then!
Well... I'll try to give more attention and enjoy the little cute cobblestones along the path. The milestones will eventually come by! [emoji6]
Big vanilla & caramel-scented hug!
Sarah
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Today I went to my first pilates session. Surprisingly, despite still being very shy when it comes to exposing my body (or its contour), I wasn't nervous at all in my sticky outfit (afterwise, my wife told me that I definitely no longer have a male contour anymore... that made me so happy). My wife decided to come with me, just to get an idea of what pilates is. There was only me, another participant and the instructor. They were both very nice... It was quite stimulating and I got to exercise many muscular groups that were since too long asleep - such as my abs! My tummy is burning! [emoji28] But afterwise I felt very relaxed and am looking very much forward to the next session. The movements are indeed very feminine, very fluid, and I anticipate that the work with the abs will help me a lot with my voice therapy also. All in all, a very positive experience and I'm glad I gained the courage to go for it!
Today I read an interesting article in a Flemish newspaper, with the title "Wat als papa vrouw wordt?" (which translates to "What if daddy became a woman?") and it goes through the experience of a family in which daddy effectively and succesfully transitions to woman. The family survives and even thrives with a renewed happiness... So far, it reflects very much my own experience and it made me happy to know that there are others, not so far from me... probably dozens! The publication of such an article also says a lot about the Flemish mentality towards LGBT matters... Openness, respect, honest attempt to explain the why's and the how's without prejudice. I'm very happy and proud to live in Flanders, Belgium. [emoji4]
Hugs, Sarah
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It would be interesting to hear your opinion after a few months of these exercises, if and how (with specific examples) they affect your figure, posture and movements.
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And if you ever feel a need for cardio - Zumba (based on dancing) might be a good one.
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Quote from: elkie-t on September 22, 2017, 03:16:01 PM
It would be interesting to hear your opinion after a few months of these exercises, if and how (with specific examples) they affect your figure, posture and movements.
That's a good idea, Elkie! I'll try to remain aware of the changes, although I suspect that some of them will occur in such a subtle manner that it'll be difficult to notice a clear-cut difference.
As cardio goes, I already bike a couple of times a week (nothing very intense, really just cardio level) and spend 40-60 min per day (3-4 days per week) on the treadmill (cardio level, enough to attain a steady heart frequency of around 125/min, which in my case means a speed of 4,5-5km/h). When weather allows, I just go walk outside, but as you may know, Belgium is well known for its rainy weather :() and having a treadmill is, therefore, a good idea. I've now been trying to elaborate a little daily routine for the Pilates classes, working especially the abs and hips, where I feel I have the greatest difficulties. I think I may consider something more "fun" in the future, such as Zumba, although I've never been too much of a fan of exercise to the rhythm of music... :D
Big hug, Sarah
I've not posted in a while simply because my daily life has been like watching paint drying. I certainly didn't have second thoughts about transition and I keep progressing, but as I previously wrote, I'm sitting a bit in the doldrums of it all.
I went to my endo and had my hormonal levels checked. To my surprise, he said that my results where very good and instead of switching me to some form of TD estradiol he advised to keep taking estradiol tablets sublingually. Although I find the sublingual route a bit annoying, because the tablets are not made for that and I must let them melt under the tongue for a good 30 minutes, this made me happy because it means that my levels have been probably be quite good since the very beginning of it all... cool.
On another note, I'm still living full time as Sarah, except for the situations where I have to give some prescription to a patient, which still must contain my male name. Both my psychologist and endocrinologist wholeheartedly endorsed my request to officially change my name so, hopefully, becoming officially Sarah will possibly still happen in 2017!
The relatively big news? I am at this moment in Heksinki for a 2-day refresher course in my medical specialty and... well... I decided I would make the trip as Sarah from begin to end. So there I went as Sarah (still trying to be as discrete as possible because I had no idea how things would go at the airport and how trans-safe was Helsinki) and it has been very thrilling, especially when I got to security check at the airport. I was very nervous inside, but I did not get any kind of problem whatsoever. I was really happy inside, during the flight... And, of course, I went to the first day of the course and nobody threw stones at me or had a laugh crisis while looking at me, so I guess it went fine. Am I passing most of the time? Probably not (yet). Am I worried about it? Yes, and that's why I'm counting the days till my FFS, but now it doesn't stop me from going out anymore. [emoji6]
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171005/cab7f745b2c5eb4e150947a9ec068120.jpg)
Me inside the plane, en route from Brussels, Belgium to Helsinki, Finland.
So this is a bit of what's been going on with me... I sincerely hope that things have been going fine with you all, girls!
Big warm hugs to you all!
Sarah
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Sarah I can't see what you were worried about. All I see in the picture is another woman on a plane. You did it and you did it well.
Glad to see your update as usual, and that your life goes well.
I can say that I still can see why you are still wanting that FFS, but your Current presentation obviously put you in female category. If I meet you on a plane, I'd definitely notice you, make a quick evaluation - think oh, this girl either has some military background, is maybe a butch lesbian, or diets too much, but I wouldn't question the girl part.
How is your hair growing? It's been quite some time, you might have enough length now to style it, no?
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Great hearing from you Sarah! Sadly exciting things can't happen every day. Though maybe we should be glad for that? :-\
I hope you enjoy your trip!
Quote from: elkie-t on October 05, 2017, 02:46:37 PM
Glad to see your update as usual, and that your life goes well.
I can say that I still can see why you are still wanting that FFS, but your Current presentation obviously put you in female category. If I meet you on a plane, I'd definitely notice you, make a quick evaluation - think oh, this girl either has some military background, is maybe a butch lesbian, or diets too much, but I wouldn't question the girl part.
How is your hair growing? It's been quite some time, you might have enough length now to style it, no?
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Oh Elkie!
I laughed so much while reading your post! [emoji23] Your quick evaluation was hilarious (butch lesbian... lol)! [emoji23] Thanks for your honest thought process - it was really helpful! Well, being classified in the female category is already a big conquest. Anyways, I'm also glad that you see the reason why I so much long for FFS. Brow ridge, nose and jaw (and superior lip) are my big concerns and I think that correcting these elements will be truly life-changing.
As I've already mentioned, since I was little I've always tried to be very discrete and being easily noticed is definitely not my cup of tea... as most of us, I simply wanna be a common woman and just blend. I don't want to be special. [emoji4]
As for my hair, the hair from the grafts is now falling down, so not very pretty and I had to cut the non-transplanted hair because otherwise it would look too masculine.
So for a comparison, this is me in August 2016... I was balding pretty fast. You couldn't even see the hairline!
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171006/24fe8720de0971b00608d103bdd2b200.jpg)
And this is me 5 minutes ago... Yeah, military length hair, but at least a decently feminine hairline. HRT + finasteride (yes, I know... lol) + minoxidil + topical caffeine have done a lot, of course, but the hair grafts were still needed, especially for the entries on the sides, as well as to increase the hair density in the middle.
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171006/5ad284cbe31bd917126ebd66ba406e02.jpg)
I think that my hair is now in optimal conditions for hairline advancement. Besides keeping on with the pharmacological treatments, there's not much more I can do until the surgery. I don't intend to cut it again in the foreseeable future. What do you think?
Hugs, Sarah
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Quote from: Sarah_P on October 05, 2017, 05:42:24 PM
Great hearing from you Sarah! Sadly exciting things can't happen every day. Though maybe we should be glad for that? :-\
I hope you enjoy your trip!
Hi Sarah! Thanks! Yes, I agree, the best things in life can't happen everyday... we have to go through less good moments in order to appreciate the really great ones! [emoji4]
Hugs, Sarah
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on October 06, 2017, 01:32:56 AM
Oh Elkie!
I laughed so much while reading your post! [emoji23] Your quick evaluation was hilarious (butch lesbian... lol)! [emoji23] Thanks for your honest thought process - it was really helpful! Well, being classified in the female category is already a big conquest. Anyways, I'm also glad that you see the reason why I so much long for FFS. Brow ridge, nose and jaw (and superior lip) are my big concerns and I think that correcting these elements will be truly life-changing.
As I've already mentioned, since I was little I've always tried to be very discrete and being easily noticed is definitely not my cup of tea... as most of us, I simply wanna be a common woman and just blend. I don't want to be special. [emoji4]
As for my hair, the hair from the grafts is now falling down, so not very pretty and I had to cut the non-transplanted hair because otherwise it would look too masculine.
So for a comparison, this is me in August 2016... I was balding pretty fast. You couldn't even see the hairline!
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171006/24fe8720de0971b00608d103bdd2b200.jpg)
And this is me 5 minutes ago... Yeah, military length hair, but at least a decently feminine hairline. HRT + finasteride (yes, I know... lol) + minoxidil + topical caffeine have done a lot, of course, but the hair grafts were still needed, especially for the entries on the sides, as well as to increase the hair density in the middle.
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171006/5ad284cbe31bd917126ebd66ba406e02.jpg)
I think that my hair is now in optimal conditions for hairline advancement. Besides keeping on with the pharmacological treatments, there's not much more I can do until the surgery. I don't intend to cut it again in the foreseeable future. What do you think?
Hugs, Sarah
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Oh my God!! Wow!! You have a feminine hairline now!! Way to go Girl!!
And even with the short hair, you absolutely look like a woman.
I want to start finasteride too as soon as possible.
Was the hair transplant very expensive?
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Quote from: Saira128 on October 06, 2017, 02:37:39 AM
Oh my God!! Wow!! You have a feminine hairline now!! Way to go Girl!!
And even with the short hair, you absolutely look like a woman.
I want to start finasteride too as soon as possible.
Was the hair transplant very expensive?
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Hi Saira!
Thanks! The hair transplant cost around 4000€ for 6000 grafts (procedure takes 2 days), including 3 nights stay, excluding trip to Budapest, Hungary.
Now I just have to wait patiently... [emoji413]
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on October 06, 2017, 03:11:23 AM
Hi Saira!
Thanks! The hair transplant cost around 4000€ for 6000 grafts (procedure takes 2 days), including 3 nights stay, excluding trip to Budapest, Hungary.
Now I just have to wait patiently... [emoji413]
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Your photo in your profile picture, are you wearing a wig? Because you have a nice head of hair in that pic compared to you pre-transition photo.
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Quote from: Saira128 on October 06, 2017, 03:15:41 AM
Your photo in your profile picture, are you wearing a wig? Because you have a nice head of hair in that pic compared to you pre-transition photo.
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Lol... Is that really a question, Saira? [emoji849] Of course it's a wig! Why in the world would I need hair grafts if I had such a hair? I wish... Well, with a little luck and a lot of care, I may, some day, have a nice and real head of hair. To tell you the truth, I really like how I look in my wig, but after a few hours it becomes a little uncomfortable. In the summer, it's probably unbearable... But cute nonetheless... [emoji136]
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You do look female in your latest photo. Unless you can connect that photo to your pre-transition pics... Essentially - it's still the same face. And you above all have the strongest memory of your face pre-transition. So FFS would definitely help you disconnect your current image from your pre-transition one.
Funny how of all features you mentioned as a tell signs, I didn't really put any weight to them. Well, maybe because I never had a FFS consultation. My thought process was - her features are too sharp, girls are soft and have at least some fat layer everywhere and your face looks like you're starving / dieting too much. Estrogen should help in that department over time, if you give yourself enough building blocks (Tula, eat something, as in 'Fat Greek Wedding').
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Quote from: elkie-t on October 06, 2017, 06:08:54 AM
You do look female in your latest photo. Unless you can connect that photo to your pre-transition pics... Essentially - it's still the same face. And you above all have the strongest memory of your face pre-transition. So FFS would definitely help you disconnect your current image from your pre-transition one.
Funny how of all features you mentioned as a tell signs, I didn't really put any weight to them. Well, maybe because I never had a FFS consultation. My thought process was - her features are too sharp, girls are soft and have at least some fat layer everywhere and your face looks like you're starving / dieting too much. Estrogen should help in that department over time, if you give yourself enough building blocks (Tula, eat something, as in 'Fat Greek Wedding').
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Well, Elkie, I feel that I look female in the latest photo but as you say I can still in some way see a connection with my pre-transition face, which is sometimes very distressing.
But what you say makes perfect sense... What I am seeking is a radical disconnection from that old image. FFS by a good (and not too shy) maxillofacial surgeon will hopefully achieve that.
The angularity of my facial structures are indeed a part of the problem and when I mention the facial features which must be operated it is precisely the ones which give me that angularity. My cheekbones are prominent but actually feminine. However, the rest not so much.
I've put on some weight lately, a bit to the dismal of my endocrinologist, but I did it voluntarily because I need some generous fat (about 1 liter) around my waist for a decent fat transfer to my hips/thighs in February. Afterwards, I plan on losing some weight again... at least enough to reach a decently average BMI. When I took my first pic (pre-transition) I weighted around 95kg (my max was 110kg) and now I'm sitting at around 78kg (my min was 69kg). Some time after my tummy tuck I'd like to reach around 65kg, very slowly of course.
I did already notice a change in the puffiness of my face and hope that the evolution will go on under HRT. Apparently fat redistribution starts being noticeable at around 6 months, so I'm more or less on schedule (almost 8 months HRT).
Hugs, Sarah
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Oh lol!! I didn't think it through
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For whatever stupid reason, my Tapatalk keeps showing a picture of the old you. Sarah, please, post some new photo
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Quote from: elkie-t on October 13, 2017, 07:24:08 AM
For whatever stupid reason, my Tapatalk keeps showing a picture of the old you. Sarah, please, post some new photo
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Hi Elkie! Are you referring to my avatar pic? What photo are you seeing? Is it the one where I'm wearing a wig?
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Tapatalk is a bit strange, I have a feeling it never shows the latest picture uploaded in a thread. Here is what I think Elkie is referring to...(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171013/f35f306e5937fe5a16340bdbb0c5e6f5.jpg)
Quote from: elkie-t on October 13, 2017, 07:24:08 AM
For whatever stupid reason, my Tapatalk keeps showing a picture of the old you. Sarah, please, post some new photo
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on October 06, 2017, 01:32:56 AM
I think that my hair is now in optimal conditions for hairline advancement. Besides keeping on with the pharmacological treatments, there's not much more I can do until the surgery. I don't intend to cut it again in the foreseeable future. What do you think?
Hugs, Sarah
Just saw the before and after hair comparison post, and I have to say thank you, because oh my god you have given me so much hope that I'll be able to have a full head of my own hair in a few years! (It's been a big source of doubt and anxiety for me lately. :-X) Right now I'm on the same early pharmacological track, hoping to shave off a couple thousand from the transplant bill.
Do you think the topical caffeine really works? I didn't see it really spoken of much on the hair loss forums I was reading, but I want to try everything reasonable. (Also thinking about doing Rachel Christina's castor oil method, though I am a bit worried about doing too much at once and causing accidental damage.)
Ouch... Yeah... That photo is not really me anymore! [emoji28] Here's a more recent one, which I already posted...(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171013/e5cb0dccffcb1431d1e4904c78886f9e.jpg)
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Quote from: Roll on October 13, 2017, 10:13:20 AM
Just saw the before and after hair comparison post, and I have to say thank you, because oh my god you have given me so much hope that I'll be able to have a full head of my own hair in a few years! (It's been a big source of doubt and anxiety for me lately. :-X) Right now I'm on the same early pharmacological track, hoping to shave off a couple thousand from the transplant bill.
Do you think the topical caffeine really works? I didn't see it really spoken of much on the hair loss forums I was reading, but I want to try everything reasonable. (Also thinking about doing Rachel Christina's castor oil method, though I am a bit worried about doing too much at once and causing accidental damage.)
Hi Roll!
My pleasure! When I took the decision to transition, my hair was also one of my biggest worries. I started HRT last february and soon thereafter topical minoxidil and oral finasteride, although theoretically it doesn't make much sense to take finasteride when we're already on another very potent anti-androgen. I also take some supplements (biotin and silicium) which are said to be good for this purpose. The caffeine, I started only a couple of months ago, after reading the following article: Role of Caffeine in the Management of Androgenetic Alopecia (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3500065/). Of course, it is difficult to ascribe an effect to it... it may just be from HRT + finasteride + minoxidil. But there has been continuing progress, so it MAY contribute and I won't stop it... Really desperate to maximize my chances! [emoji4]
Good luck Roll!
Hugs, Sarah
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Hi Girls!
Just thought of posting some update, although not much happened over the last few weeks.
I'm making good progress with my voice...
My new hair is growing nicely; although I'd still classify as military, I'm pretty sure that I'll be ready for some styling by the time I undergo my FFS (15/02/2018). For now, when I go out I still need to use a wig.
Except for under my jaw, I'm pretty much done with my beard; I have scheduled for December a 4-hour marathon of electrolysis with intravenous analgesia for my greys and whites as well as for the stubborn darks.
In terms of clothing, I reached the conclusion that I'll probably feel confident enough to venture outside with a dress or a skirt only after FFS and hip augmentation... but it's ok, I can live with that. For now... [emoji28] I can still decently express my feminity with pants. [emoji6] I bought my first pair of women's boots; they don't have high or even medium heels because I'm not too much of a fan of heels, but they're cute and - most importantly! - I feel cute when wearing them! [emoji7]
That's pretty much it, I guess... I'll leave you with a selfie from about a week ago. [emoji136]
Warm hugs!
Sarah(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171026/2a907dde225d7831f9ac6c16be957a8d.jpg)
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Happy happy for you Sarah! You bring a wonderful energy to your posts. Today is 6 mo post-op for me, I'm so much happier with life now that my brain is more calm and I was just remarking to my pshrink how wonderful it feels to be settling into life with my genital dysphoria solved (and boobs, I'm a little like my GF with those, I just like to squeeze them occasionally).
Quote from: SadieBlake on October 26, 2017, 04:39:14 AM
Happy happy for you Sarah! You bring a wonderful energy to your posts. Today is 6 mo post-op for me, I'm so much happier with life now that my brain is more calm and I was just remarking to my pshrink how wonderful it feels to be settling into life with my genital dysphoria solved (and boobs, I'm a little like my GF with those, I just like to squeeze them occasionally).
Wow, Sadie! So happy for you! [emoji66] I still find it difficult to imagine how life will be after SRS. True, for me, that major milestone lies years ahead (my first consultation with the team leader surgeon is in 03/2018) but I can't but wonder how it'll be... [emoji7]
But for now, FFS (and to a lesser extent tummy tuck and hip augmentation) are my big goals and they are already scheduled!
As for my breasts, I agree with my plastic surgeon - it's too soon (8 months HRT). They keep joyfully growing like there's no tomorrow (I totally fill a cup B) and I'll just be a good girl and wait... who knows... maybe I'm one of the lucky ones who won't even need BA! [emoji126]
Big hug and really, really glad to see that smile on your face - well, I don't see but it's really easy to imagine! [emoji4]
Big warm hug, Sarah
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Wow! Still moving full steam ahead! Really happy for you. A good B cup after 8 month HRT is a pretty good result, I made it to a full A in the same time...Comparing your recent posts with your early posts, it is amazing how mu8ch peace and happiness you have now found!
Hugs
Sarah
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on October 26, 2017, 06:26:13 AM
Wow, Sadie! So happy for you! [emoji66] I still find it difficult to imagine how life will be after SRS. True, for me, that major milestone lies years ahead (my first consultation with the team leader surgeon is in 03/2018) but I can't but wonder how it'll be... [emoji7]
But for now, FFS (and to a lesser extent tummy tuck and hip augmentation) are my big goals and they are already scheduled!
As for my breasts, I agree with my plastic surgeon - it's too soon (8 months HRT). They keep joyfully growing like there's no tomorrow (I totally fill a cup B) and I'll just be a good girl and wait... who knows... maybe I'm one of the lucky ones who won't even need BA! [emoji126]
Big hug and really, really glad to see that smile on your face - well, I don't see but it's really easy to imagine! [emoji4]
Big warm hug, Sarah
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Always great to hear from you Sarah!! Glad everything's going well.
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on October 26, 2017, 02:01:20 AM
In terms of clothing, I reached the conclusion that I'll probably feel confident enough to venture outside with a dress or a skirt only after FFS and hip augmentation... but it's ok, I can live with that. For now... [emoji28] I can still decently express my feminity with pants. [emoji6] I bought my first pair of women's boots; they don't have high or even medium heels because I'm not too much of a fan of heels, but they're cute and - most importantly! - I feel cute when wearing them! [emoji7]
That's what counts!! ;)
Hi Sarah.
Thank you for giving us another update. Even if you do not think there was anything worthy of posting you should remember that your friends here will wonder what is happening and how you are doing.
I think you are wrong about skirts and dresses. I think you could rock them right now. Besides that it can help you build confidence and get you comfortable in them. There is a bit more to be concerned about when you wear a dress than in pants.
I also was never a fan of women in boots but now I own 2 pairs with a third on the way. The first pair were I calf boots with 3 1/2" stiletto heels. The second are ankle high boot with a 2' cowboy boot heel. The third are white with black cute winter boots I am waiting for. I didn't like them for others but I love them for me. You might give the a try.
I am glad to read that you are doing well and have your procedure all planned and scheduled. Keep moving forward.
Hugs,
Laurie
(https://i.imgur.com/zRfqZSI.jpg)
Quote from: Laurie on October 26, 2017, 08:33:45 AM
Hi Sarah.
Thank you for giving us another update. Even if you do not think there was anything worthy of posting you should remember that your friends here will wonder what is happening and how you are doing.
I think you are wrong about skirts and dresses. I think you could rock them right now. Besides that it can help you build confidence and get you comfortable in them. There is a bit more to be concerned about when you wear a dress than in pants.
I also was never a fan of women in boots but now I own 2 pairs with a third on the way. The first pair were I calf boots with 3 1/2" stiletto heels. The second are ankle high boot with a 2' cowboy boot heel. The third are white with black cute winter boots I am waiting for. I didn't like them for others but I love them for me. You might give the a try.
I am glad to read that you are doing well and have your procedure all planned and scheduled. Keep moving forward.
Hugs,
Laurie
(https://i.imgur.com/zRfqZSI.jpg)
Hi Laurie!
Sorry for taking so long to answer your post! [emoji17] I've been quite busy lately and have barely enough time for myself and my family, let alone for the forum. When that happens, I miss it though! [emoji4]
Thanks for your thoughts about skirts, dresses and boots with heels! About the skirts, I must confess that I'm afraid to look too weird in them (i.e. not passable and looking like a ->-bleeped-<-, which I am not - not that I have anything against ->-bleeped-<-s, au contraire)... It's the shame, always the shame... [emoji47] It's silly and I shouldn't feel that way, I know... I only have a couple of summer skirts that I've only used at home and so far I've been using that as an excuse to not wearing skirts/dresses at this moment. However, you know what? You convinced me! I am going this afternoon to the mall to shop for a winter skirt or a dress. I was told that for my body shape a short skirt (just above knees) + opaque tights would work, but I'm embarassed to show up my legs... [emoji39] It's not that they're overtly ugly or excessively masculine (my wife told me that she'd trade legs with me any day! [emoji23]), but it's something that I've never done before, so I never gave much thought to it, but it's actually a challenge and even a milestone for me, I guess. I was wondering if a long flare skirt would be nice in a light color or pattern, together with a dark top (to offset my broad shoulders)... But I also want something relatively casual. [emoji848] Something along the lines of the pics below... Would the short skirt be innapropriate for my age (I'm 45 but I've been told several times that I look like I'm in my mid-thirties)? Hummm... I think I'll start with the long skirt... [emoji28] I'll sure let you know! [emoji6]
About the shoes... wellllll... It's also because of a bit (lot) of self-consciousness! It's also not as comfortable as flat shoes or boots. But above all, I'd hate seeing myself, "Mrs. Low Profile", being the center of attention after tripping on my high heels! I'll eventually have to go out with heels, but I feel it'll be something for a bit later.
Big warm hug, Sarah
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171106/f8748a08766b5e8cc09476c85e6ffbd2.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171106/03710fc03173816ee1ee8da376211168.jpg)
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Baby steps! The more you get out wearing traditional female attire, the more comfortable you will become.
The short skirt on the right is a bit too short for a lady in her 40s. Not that some women can't pull off the look, but it sends a message that you probably don't want to send. Above the knee is fine, but only a few centimetres above.
The longer skirt is a classic, very elegant.
About skirts - they are really enjoyable. And very flattering too for most MTF because they project a bigger bottom than Mother Nature gave us. Besides, as a woman, you can wear whatever you want to wear, reflecting your mood, and how you want to be perceived, etc. And no - you won't bring any additional scrutiny to yourself by wearing a skirt.
Speaking of skirt lengths... I personally found long skirts to be more complicated and less flattering than just below the knee a-line pleated skirt. You can also combine a short skirt with some leggings for less than formal occasion - there are no rules that you have to look like your grandma after 40, you know...
As far as heels go, they require some training, strengthening your muscles, but after some time - they become very comfortable. I actually preferred 3" heels over flats any day. And wearing heels helps a lot with your posture, gait, minimizes visual size of your feet, and so on. At least you should try ;)
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Hi Sarah!!
So far I've only worn full & knee-length skirts. My 24-year old girl friend will wear super-short skirts with leggings, but I'm not sure about that for myself. The picture on the right is too short for me (I'm 42, so right there with you). I'd recommend starting out with the full length or knee length (like Kathy said, just a tiny bit above the knee).
I've not worn heels for a while, and never outdoors. Mainly because at 6' 1", I'm not really wanting to appear any taller, but I've got a pair of ankle-boots on the way with a 1" heel. My plan is to 'ease into' the idea (and challenges!) of wearing heels out an inch or so at a time.
Baby steps indeed!
I recently got to love "sweater dresses". They are extra long sweaters which go to about mid thigh and are usually worn with tights.
In general I have decided to take clues to what I can wear from my cis female neighbors and that is one of the options I do see - they are all about my age. some of them wear skirts almost every day, usually mid length (slightly above the knee). Same applies for dresses in general. I do have a few long ones but those I do not wear a lot. But I do have to admit that I am lucky with my legs too.
For heels: training is one thing. Buying the right shoe the other secret. Since I stopped shopping online and rather go into a brick and mortar store where I can try them, I have been pretty lucky. 2 inch is super comfortable now and gives me a nice boost in hight, my "day to day" boots are a bit over 2 inches with a block heel. The block heel gives more stability. I also have a bunch in the 3 - 4 inch region and I am slowly getting used to them as well. My biggest challenge is the width of my feet which makes it hard finding anything comfortable. Hence the need to try them and I have walked out of shoe stores quite a few times with nothing.
It's true, the difference of well made and fitting shoes is large to start and magnified hugely when you start wearing high heels. The connection between the heel and sole / welt of the shoe has to be solid, especially for something like a stiletto heel. I've worn 4" heels that are made well and still working fine 15 years later and I've also suffered with $40 heels where the heel connection to the shoe started to lose rigidity in the first few hours of use.
I'm glad that the one pair I own are well built because I sure can't afford good ones anymore.
Hi Sarah,
I am with Kathy on skirt length. I'm 65 and wear dresses and skirts that are just above the knee or longer. As for my heels I should first say I have years of practice in heels so walking in them is not a challenge. I even owned a pair of 6 inch fetish stiletto pumps at one time until they were victims of one of my purges. In regards to my boots the snugness over the top of my feet hold and keep my feet from sliding down into the toe of the shoe making them more comfortable than regular high heeled shoes. When I were those tall boots, with jeans tucked in and my white turtle neck top with a but of bling it make me want to strut. It just feels so good. even at 65 I feel like I look good in that outfit. The lower boots also made me feel good but with an every day look. They are appropriate when a dressier shoe would be over dressed. And the click click click of them is priceless. Nothing says a woman is approaching more than the sound of her shoes.
Laurie
Quote from: KathyLauren on November 06, 2017, 06:40:08 AM
Baby steps! The more you get out wearing traditional female attire, the more comfortable you will become.
The short skirt on the right is a bit too short for a lady in her 40s. Not that some women can't pull off the look, but it sends a message that you probably don't want to send. Above the knee is fine, but only a few centimetres above.
The longer skirt is a classic, very elegant.
Hi Kathy! Thanks for your input! I am not sure if a short skirt (and by short I mean just above the knee) would fit my style, but it's true that so much has happened that I never dreamed of, so never say never... Anyways, a short skirt or dress would never be my first choice as a first experience outside. So I went to the mall and, well, didn't find much choice. I'd say that >90% of women here wear pants, except for Muslim women, which almost always use some sort of traditional tunic.
I think there is much more complexity in choosing a dress which goes well on me than a skirt. With a skirt, I can always choose a top which reflects my mood, according to weather, etc. That's not the case with a dress. I think I will need more "shopping mall time" to form an appropriate idea of what goes well and what does not.
Anyways, I finally managed to find a nice black skirt with a beautiful texture and with a length just below my knees. I felt cute in it, so I bought it. Two days ago, there was an event with this famous Belgian gynecologist, Prof. Petra De Sutter, who also happens to be a transwoman. I decided to go with my new skirt! It was in the evening, in the city of Ghent, and it was quite cold outside (7ºC / 45ºF) so I decided to wear warm 200-deniers black tights, together with my boots and... Well... When I looked in the mirror, everything felt "right" and I did feel quite cute actually! Everything went really well. I went with my wife and unexpectedly met a former colleague there, who already knew about my transition but never saw Sarah before and he seemed really impressed - actually, he sat just next to me and did not recognize me until I "introduced" myself! lol I also had the privilege to talk a bit with Prof. De Sutter and tell her how much she was an inspiration for my decision to transition! :)
I just ordered a new skirt from Desigual which is going to fit me really well, I think! At least, it totally fits my personality! Hummm...Never thought I'd be a skirt girl! ;)
Quote from: elkie-t on November 06, 2017, 06:50:51 AM
About skirts - they are really enjoyable. And very flattering too for most MTF because they project a bigger bottom than Mother Nature gave us. Besides, as a woman, you can wear whatever you want to wear, reflecting your mood, and how you want to be perceived, etc. And no - you won't bring any additional scrutiny to yourself by wearing a skirt.
Speaking of skirt lengths... I personally found long skirts to be more complicated and less flattering than just below the knee a-line pleated skirt. You can also combine a short skirt with some leggings for less than formal occasion - there are no rules that you have to look like your grandma after 40, you know...
As far as heels go, they require some training, strengthening your muscles, but after some time - they become very comfortable. I actually preferred 3" heels over flats any day. And wearing heels helps a lot with your posture, gait, minimizes visual size of your feet, and so on. At least you should try ;)
Hi Elkie! Yes, skirts definitely do wonders for my rectangle shape! I also read that bootcut pants can be flattering, but haven't tried them yet. I agree with you: I do not have any real criteria about the length of the skirt. A short dress with leggings can be really nice! I'm not young (in years, I mean), but I do feel young and I do look younger than my female peers of the same age. Besides, I am very pragmatic - if it looks good on me, I'll wear it, be it short, medium or long! :)
About the heels... I will definitely give them a try. Creating the illusion of shorter feet is not really an issue for me, as I wear size 8.5 (U.S. women's size), which is not really that large. I'm relatively short (5'5"), so wearing heels wouldn't probably make me too tall. I reckon that heels do improve posture, though. I already have a pair of high heels (very classic black pumps, go really well with jeans) but I never used them outside. I use them sometimes just for training purposes and to feel pretty! :) I'm looking forward to wearing boots with small heels (outside) and that's definitely on my shopping list! Baby steps...;)
Quote from: Sarah_P on November 06, 2017, 07:49:08 AM
Hi Sarah!!
So far I've only worn full & knee-length skirts. My 24-year old girl friend will wear super-short skirts with leggings, but I'm not sure about that for myself. The picture on the right is too short for me (I'm 42, so right there with you). I'd recommend starting out with the full length or knee length (like Kathy said, just a tiny bit above the knee).
I've not worn heels for a while, and never outdoors. Mainly because at 6' 1", I'm not really wanting to appear any taller, but I've got a pair of ankle-boots on the way with a 1" heel. My plan is to 'ease into' the idea (and challenges!) of wearing heels out an inch or so at a time.
Baby steps indeed!
Hi Sarah! I went to a workshop on feminization in Brussels and they sure did say that for someone with a rectangular shape like myself, a super-short dress or skirt with leggings or opaque tights goes really well! But I never tried it myself... I'm 100% sure I will, though! ;)
Quote from: sarah1972 on November 06, 2017, 08:38:54 AM
I recently got to love "sweater dresses". They are extra long sweaters which go to about mid thigh and are usually worn with tights.
In general I have decided to take clues to what I can wear from my cis female neighbors and that is one of the options I do see - they are all about my age. some of them wear skirts almost every day, usually mid length (slightly above the knee). Same applies for dresses in general. I do have a few long ones but those I do not wear a lot. But I do have to admit that I am lucky with my legs too.
For heels: training is one thing. Buying the right shoe the other secret. Since I stopped shopping online and rather go into a brick and mortar store where I can try them, I have been pretty lucky. 2 inch is super comfortable now and gives me a nice boost in hight, my "day to day" boots are a bit over 2 inches with a block heel. The block heel gives more stability. I also have a bunch in the 3 - 4 inch region and I am slowly getting used to them as well. My biggest challenge is the width of my feet which makes it hard finding anything comfortable. Hence the need to try them and I have walked out of shoe stores quite a few times with nothing.
Hi Sarah! I saw those "sweater dresses" online and they look lovely! I haven't seen them in the stores where I went yet, though. I'd really like to try one! I'm a little afraid of it being too tight and revealing too much of my shape... But when I see one, I'll definitely give it a try!
About heels, I bought a pair online ONCE, years ago (which I don't possess anymore... victim of a purge... lol) and I promised that I would NEVER do that again. Shoes, I buy only in the brick & mortar store, after trying. And now that I'm living full time, trying them in the store is no longer an issue... :)
Big warm hugs to ya'all! :)
Sarah
Well-well-well. Someone starts seeing the light here. I'm about skirts [emoji4] Wait until summer - you'd never want to be back in pants [emoji6]
About heels and boots. Knee-high boots keep lower parts of your legs warm. Many ladies in my old (very cold) country wear them for that reason.
I would say - 3" heel. More - and it's straining. Less - and you just don't have that effect of the heel to your posture (what I am saying - a boot with 1-2" heel don't feel any different than male boot - you get 0 effect on your posture or gait, higher heel - bigger effect but too much and you get into 'too much to be practical' territory). And at your height - you can use a few inches of instantaneous growth.
But you're right, never buy boots without trying them on in the store. It must feel right right there, on day 0.
Hi Girls!
It's not an update, but I just wanted to share something that made me super happy today. For the first time ever, I did an entire 24-hour shift without being called "Sir" a single time, but "Mrs." many, many times. And it seemed to happen all of a sudden... my looks are basically the same as a couple of days ago.
So, what changed?... [emoji848] My voice. [emoji854] It was definitely my voice. I feel that 3 days ago I had a major (and almost magical) breakthrough with my voice training. Don't ask me why... It just happened. As always, I wake up at 5:00 or 5:30 and do 45-60 minutes of voice training, but since 3 days ago, my feminine voice comes out like that, almost without effort. I was so worried about this aspect of my transition... of course, I'm not done and there are still many things that I must perfect (especially intonation and keeping an adequate pitch along a full conversation), but I feel that an enormous chasm has been crossed and well... I can now say with certainty that I can be voice-passable! I AM voice-passable! [emoji4]
This also reminded me that, true enough, as we keep adding up feminine features to ourselves, we eventually reach that magical threshold from which (most) people will start gendering us correctly.
Anyways, I know it's silly, but I just wanted to share a bit of my happiness with you! After all, all this chain of events was in part precipitated by you!
Hugs with love,
Sarah [emoji134][emoji173]
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Congrats Sarah,
Happy to hear you are still making good progress. You are a far cry from that fearful young lady afraid to go to therapy as the woman you were inside. Now that woman is building her life on the outside in public.
Good Job girl.
Hugs,
Laurie
I am so happy to hear that, Sarah! Nothing silly about it. We love to read stories like this!
Sarah dear, there's nothing silly about that!! That's something many of us hope for. Congratulations!
I do 30 minutes of voice exercises every morning, but only rarely get to actually use it through the day. Sometimes I can hit it easily, other times it's a struggle. I can't wait until I can get where you are!
Sarah, that is awesome! Congrats!
BTW, are you using any particular type training methods or do you go with a speech therapist?
Congratulations Sarah! I had a few days like that and they feel awesome. I was also wondering what method you use?
Quote from: Justarandomname on November 23, 2017, 11:26:56 PM
BTW, are you using any particular type training methods or do you go with a speech therapist?
Thanks Girls for your kind words! [emoji4]
The method I use is basically a mix between what my voice therapist teaches me and the course by Christella (VoiceUp, on PlayStore).
I thought twice before buying the app from Christella, but since it seemed to have good reviews and Christella herself already has extensive experience with transwomen, I decided to buy the 3 modules, one by one - at 15 bucks per module, it's relatively expensive for an app, but I found it truly useful - despite having gone through the whole course, I still go back to it daily. For the price of 2 sessions with the voice therapist, I can go back to it whenever I want. It has a free trial which gives you a partial glimpse at what it does.
I also have weekly 30 min. sessions with a voice therapist experienced with transwomen (about 8 sessions so far?) She teaches me tricks and techniques (including breathing patterns, taking good care of the vocal chords...), exercises and - most important - she provides me with much needed feedback and suggestions to correct what sounds wrong. She gives homework, also. Coincidentally, I had my session today and she was very impressed with my progress - she agreed that there was indeed a breakthrough and was therefore very happy! We also talk about the rest of my transition and sometimes I see her a bit as a life coach... I think that she was very important for the feminization of my voice and I look very much forward to further work with her!
So for me, this combo, voice therapist + VoiceUp, has so far been a winner!
Hugs, Sarah [emoji66][emoji173]
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Hi Girls!
Today, despite the fact that my name is still officially male ([emoji43]), it was changed to Sarah in the whole intranet and in the corporate page of the hospital where I work! In a few days, I will also get a new badge with an updated photo! Feels so good! [emoji4]
Hugs, Sarah
Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on November 29, 2017, 12:51:24 PM
Hi Girls!
Today, despite the fact that my name is still officially male ([emoji43]), it was changed to Sarah in the whole intranet and in the corporate page of the hospital where I work! In a few days, I will also get a new badge with an updated photo! Feels so good! [emoji4]
Hugs, Sarah
Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk
Nice. What about legalities of writing prescriptions? Although I guess doctors write so illegible that only other doctors know how to read it
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on November 29, 2017, 12:51:24 PM
Hi Girls!
Today, despite the fact that my name is still officially male ([emoji43]), it was changed to Sarah in the whole intranet and in the corporate page of the hospital where I work! In a few days, I will also get a new badge with an updated photo! Feels so good! [emoji4]
Hugs, Sarah
Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk
Yay! Those are affirming times, enjoy it! X
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Quote from: elkie-t on November 29, 2017, 12:57:39 PM
Nice. What about legalities of writing prescriptions? Although I guess doctors write so illegible that only other doctors know how to read it
Hi Elkie! Prescriptions are still printed with my official (male) name, but since almost no one looks at that, I don't care too much (alas, bad calligraphy can't be an excuse nowadays, as we are not allowed to write prescriptions by hand anymore, unless there's some IT failure). But it's an incongruity that I can live with... for now! Still, I'm looking forward to having that changed too! It shouldn't be too long anymore, hopefully! ☺
Hugs, Sarah [emoji169]
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Congratulations Sarah!! I'm so looking forward to my name change.... soon!!!
Wow! Without me asking for it, my hospital changed a part of my profile and now when I print a prescription there's no first name anymore, but just the initial S. followed by my family name! Also, I was informed that my badge is from now on deactivated for the men's changing room and activated for the women's one! In good truth, I only go there to grab a weeks worth of scrubs and then I change in the ED (in the sleeping room, which is gender neutral), but still, it feels so good to know that my true gender is aknowledged! So lucky to work here! [emoji175][emoji175][emoji175]
Hugs, Sarah
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That is so great for you Sarah. I think they like you there.
Hugs,
Laurie
Wow, you work at an amazing place, with amazing people Sarah.
Hello Girls! Happy New Year! [emoji322][emoji312][emoji898][emoji4]
Yes, I'm still alive - just very, very quiet, patiently waiting for FFS, which is now only 35 days away. [emoji352]
I've been doing good and I still feel great. Much more confident, also. Where I previously stressed out a bit internally when I had to be exposed to crowds (such as a shopping mall), I now just don't care anymore. Along the last few weeks, I finally reached an important conclusion. And it sat just in front of me since the very beginning of my transition, but I was too excited that I didn't even took the time to reflect on it. And the conclusion is: passing and being correctly gendered are two entirely different beasts. Passing implies that, whoever looks at you, sees a woman and the thought of you being a trans woman does not even cross their minds. Being correctly gendered means that whoever looks at you treats you as a woman and it doesn't necessarily imply that you pass as a woman; it means that, even if the person notices something different about you, that you are a woman with masculine traits or even a cis-male assuming the role of a woman, they'll assume that you want to be gendered as a woman and will have enough respect and be enough open minded to proceed in such a way. It's very much cultural.
In very conservative societies (e.g. Saudi Arabia, Turkmenistan...), in order to be correctly gendered it is critical to be passable, otherwise you incur the risk of being ostracized, bullied, beaten or even killed. In a free, democratic, secular and open society, such as Belgian Flanders (where I live), you'll tend to be correctly gendered even if you don't pass, as long as your presentation states in a reasonably clear way how you want to be gendered.
And what made me reach this apparently anodyne conclusion? My own experience. At the hospital where I work as an ED physician, my patients (whom I never met before, in the overwhelming majority of cases) gender me correctly in 90-95% of cases, despite wearing unisex scrubs. With many of them, I do notice an initial look of surprise, but then, as the conversation warms up, they become clearly aware of how I want to be gendered and they do so. The nurses tell me that sometimes, after I've left the observation room, some patients will ask them: "Nurse, it's a really sweet doctor, but is it man or a woman?" (I asked the nurses to answer with the truth - that I am a woman [emoji68]⚕️). It's true that their soft attitude has something to do with the fact that I tend to be "sweeter" than your typical ED physician - I listen to them with empathy, comfort them, talk to them with a very calm and soothing voice and they love that (it's always been like that, but since I started HRT, my degree of "sweetness" has totally blown out the scale [emoji23]). So I know that, when I'm wearing my scrubs and my surgical cap, although androgynous, I am not always passable as a woman. Still, the overwhelming majority of people gender me correctly and I think that this has been my Holy Grail since the beginning. Taking steps to pass (for example with FFS) is just one more step, one more cue, to being correctly gendered (besides the fact that it's important for myself)... It will also possibly allow me to travel to somewhat more conservative regions of the world, such as Brazil or India, without the fear of being beaten to death.
On the corporate website of my hospital, not only my name but also my pic are now updated! [emoji322] See screencapture below...
Now, changing subject... I now wear mostly heels. [emoji16] It's still cold, so so far I've been using only boots, but I already bought a nice pair of pumps which I feel will be really cute with wide leg trousers (I love those!) The first few days were excruciating for my feet... but now, I find them quite more comfortable than flat soles. Of course, it also depends on what I'm doing (trekking, shopping...) And yes, Elkie, I still do wear skirt, occasionally! You did convince me! [emoji126]
For New Year's Eve, I went to London with my wife and two kids. And when I say "I", I mean Sarah, of course! And this time, unlike my trip to Finland, I went as a quite womanly Sarah, not simply an androgynous one... [emoji6] Everything went really good and I wasn't misgendered one single time during the entire trip! At the airports (Brussels and Heathrow), the agents at the customs called me "Madam" and then we gave them our passports and when he saw mine (still with my male name, gender and photo) they asked "Hummm... Who is this?", to which I answered, with (I reckon) a somewhat naughty smile: "That used to be me... That passport will be updated in a couple weeks, hopefully". They just nodded, still incredulous, and just let me pass... [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23] Anyways, our stay in London was wonderful and I strongly advise you to see the NYE fireworks in London at least once in your lifetime - it's unforgettable! Earlier, on the 31st we took a very pleasant ride on the Coca-Cola London Eye and our first meal in 2018 (a VERY important year) was a brunch at the panoramic Duck & Waffle London. I really wanted to make this transition between 2017 and 2018 very, very special! And it was! [emoji4]
Speaking of ID, tomorrow, together with my wife, I'm making a day-trip to Lisbon to have my name and gender officially changed at the Civil Registry and on my birth certificate. I'm not sure how long it will actually take to make the change, but I'm hoping for less than a month. I would really love to go back to work officially as Sarah after FFS (my first shift will be on the 14/03).
Since the 01/01, there is a new law in Belgium which states that if you want to change your name and gender, you just have to go to your local Civil Registry with such a statement and they will do the change - no need for surgeries or sterilisation or even for clinical reports from anyone anymore! Unfortunately, I am not a Belgian citizen (yet)... So I will have to take the difficult path. But once I've done the change in Portugal, it will be easy to do the change in Belgium.
Well... No further big news for now. Just wanted to share a bit of my transition with you and remind you that I constantly think about you all!
Big warm hug, Sarah [emoji134]♀️[emoji173]
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180110/81b03b2ff0460062e0a01a0407a290b9.jpg)
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Thanks for the update, Sarah! I am glad things continue to go well for you.
I agree with you about the difference between passing and being gendered correctly. Passing has never been my goal, though I would happily accept it if it happened. For me, being gendered correctly is what it's all about.
Quote from: KathyLauren on January 10, 2018, 06:48:48 AM
Thanks for the update, Sarah! I am glad things continue to go well for you.
I agree with you about the difference between passing and being gendered correctly. Passing has never been my goal, though I would happily accept it if it happened. For me, being gendered correctly is what it's all about.
Exactly, Kathy! I previously thought that passing was my goal, but since the moment I discovered how it feels to be consistently properly gendered, I became aware that correct gendering is what really matters to me. Passing as often as possible would be really nice and practical... but I now see that it's not fulcral to my happiness, as long as I don't decide to do tourism in dangerous places.
Hugs, Sarah
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Hi Sarah!!! Great to hear from you again. :) Happy New Year to you, too!
I agree about passing / gendering correctly. I was obsessed with passing and being stealth when I started, but now? I'm not worried about it. As long as people gender me correctly, I'm happy. So far, I've not been misgendered once.
Oddly enough (or not) the vast majority (close to 100% actually) of those patients who misgender me are people from other countries (essentially from Muslim countries, such as Morocco or Turkey), which really underlines the cultural nature of correct gendering.
This also makes me feel sorry for those of us who are not fortunate enough to live in accepting regions of the world - and that's not always remote third world countries! I have a family member who is a transman and he lives in a large city in the so-called Bible Belt of the U.S. and not only is he constantly misgendered, but also bullied. [emoji852]
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So great to hear from you Sarah, you seem really well, thanks for updating! Keep on keeping on friend :-)
Happy New Year, Sarah! I am very happy for you.
I understand each and every little realizations of yours :) ... when I was living 16/7 (not 24/7, because I never came out at work, but most other times) - I was worried at first, I have no way to be passable, but the more I was out and accepted as a woman (aka properly gendered), the easier it was for me to just be myself without a second thought.
And speaking of heels - you're totally right, after initial break in period, they become more comfortable than flat shoes (at least with a moderate 2-3" heel, not more for me).
I wish you a very great year, it appears you lined up a lot of great activities for yourself and your family already into it
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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on January 10, 2018, 08:48:33 AM
Oddly enough (or not) the vast majority (close to 100% actually) of those patients who misgender me are people from other countries (essentially from Muslim countries, such as Morocco or Turkey), which really underlines the cultural nature of correct gendering.
This also makes me feel sorry for those of us who are not fortunate enough to live in accepting regions of the world - and that's not always remote third world countries! I have a family member who is a transman and he lives in a large city in the so-called Bible Belt of the U.S. and not only is he constantly misgendered, but also bullied. [emoji852]
Oh, I know it well. I live in the 'Bible Belt' myself, and far too many of these people are extremely un-Christian.
Hi Sarah,
First I love your avatar. You have come a long ways, baby. OMG so far indeed from that timid woman I urged to go to her therapy session en femme. It seems so long ago now. Now you are looking good, feeling good, and enjoying life as you only dreamed about for so many years. Those surgeries will come and will only make you more comfortable with yourself. You already are a woman and my dear you really always have been.
Your New year trip does sound like you two had a wonderful time and I'm sure there are many more ahead for you.
Good luck with getting the birth certificate records changed I hope it isn't too bad getting it done. Don't forget about us back her as you are jetsetting your way around the world, Okay?
Big Hug,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on January 10, 2018, 07:32:47 PM
Hi Sarah,
First I love your avatar. You have come a long ways, baby. OMG so far indeed from that timid woman I urged to go to her therapy session en femme. It seems so long ago now. Now you are looking good, feeling good, and enjoying life as you only dreamed about for so many years. Those surgeries will come and will only make you more comfortable with yourself. You already are a woman and my dear you really always have been.
Your New year trip does sound like you two had a wonderful time and I'm sure there are many more ahead for you.
Good luck with getting the birth certificate records changed I hope it isn't too bad getting it done. Don't forget about us back her as you are jetsetting your way around the world, Okay?
Big Hug,
Laurie
Hi Laurie!
Oh my... I owe you so much an apology for answering only now... Shame on me.
Thank you for your kind words, they are always so comforting and remind me of the gigantic steps I've taken in so little time. When I think that I was initially planning on coming out in the summer of 2018... I've been now living full time for almost 8 months... One full year before what I had anticipated... Unbelievable. But this was definitely the best that could possibly happen, as never before in my life have I been so happy, so fulfilled, never did I feel so whole.
In little more than 72h, I'll be lying on the operation table for my FFS. The moment I so much longed for has finally arrived. It's hard to tell you what I feel... It's a mix of mental numbness, warmth, lightness. I have to think twice when I want to remember which day of the week it is. I feel anxious, a bit afraid, a bit about to mourn this face which has so faithfully and bravely brought me in one piece to this moment. I am grateful to my old self, to this vessel which against storms and winds allowed me to reach this point in time. I know this is just a metamorphosis... I shouldn't mourn my old self, just as the butterfly shouldn't mourn the caterpillar, for without the caterpillar there would be no butterfly.
I'm sorry for all the pseudo-philosophical nonsense... It's just that when I'm about to take some giant step in my life, I tend to become a bit more thoughtful.
I promise I will keep you posted about my FFS. I'll also keep "jetsetting" the world (hahaha!)... First trip with my "new" face will be in April and is already booked. Destination: Hong Kong! [emoji41][emoji928][emoji552]
Gigantic and warm hug,
Sarah [emoji173][emoji173][emoji173]
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HI SARAH!!! I hope your FFS goes great! Sounds like you're still doing great. :D
Hong Kong? That's somewhere I'd really like to see, myself!
Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on February 11, 2018, 09:30:49 PM
Hi Laurie!
Oh my... I owe you so much an apology for answering only now... Shame on me.
Thank you for your kind words, they are always so comforting and remind me of the gigantic steps I've taken in so little time. When I think that I was initially planning on coming out in the summer of 2018... I've been now living full time for almost 8 months... One full year before what I had anticipated... Unbelievable. But this was definitely the best that could possibly happen, as never before in my life have I been so happy, so fulfilled, never did I feel so whole.
In little more than 72h, I'll be lying on the operation table for my FFS. The moment I so much longed for has finally arrived. It's hard to tell you what I feel... It's a mix of mental numbness, warmth, lightness. I have to think twice when I want to remember which day of the week it is. I feel anxious, a bit afraid, a bit about to mourn this face which has so faithfully and bravely brought me in one piece to this moment. I am grateful to my old self, to this vessel which against storms and winds allowed me to reach this point in time. I know this is just a metamorphosis... I shouldn't mourn my old self, just as the butterfly shouldn't mourn the caterpillar, for without the caterpillar there would be no butterfly.
I'm sorry for all the pseudo-philosophical nonsense... It's just that when I'm about to take some giant step in my life, I tend to become a bit more thoughtful.
I promise I will keep you posted about my FFS. I'll also keep "jetsetting" the world (hahaha!)... First trip with my "new" face will be in April and is already booked. Destination: Hong Kong! [emoji41][emoji928][emoji552]
Gigantic and warm hug,
Sarah [emoji173][emoji173][emoji173]
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That is just so great sarah 3 days wow! I know everything will go so well for you. It will hurt and will look bad for a short time but it will be so very worth it Hun. Post pics when you can.
Hugs
Laurie
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I hope your surgery goes well, Sarah! Check back in when you can to let us know how it went.
Hi Girls!!! :)
So it's been a little while and a LOT has happened in the mean time!
First, the FFS. It happened on the 15th February. I was so extremely tired just before the operation because I had just finished a 24 hour work shift and less than 2 hours afterwards I lay on the operation table! I was operated by Dr. Bart Van de Ven, in Antwerp, Belgium. The operation lasted about 6 hours and included the following:
- Forehead recontouring type 3 (reconstruction) with hairline recontouring and browlift (including orbital
rim shaving) - Rhinoplasty
- Lip lift
- Jaw angle reduction and chin recontouring
- Lipofilling cheeks + nasolabial folds
So a quite extensive procedure... During the intervention, dr. Van de Ven had the (correct) impression that I would be left what somewhat bulky masseter muscles, giving my face an undesirably broad appearance, so he took the initiative to also surgically reduce the masseter muscles, which I am very thankful for! The wake up was uneventful and the pain perfectly bearable. The nurse removed the bladder catheter :embarrassed: and after spending about 2-3 hours in the recovery room, they took me to my own room, where my wife waited for me... :icon_cute:
As I said, the pain was perfectly controllable with relatively simple painkillers (Tylenol-Codeine, Diclofenac). What I found the most distressing was having my whole face covered in cooling devices, including my eyes, and that, together with the numbness of my skin, gave my an horrible sensation of sensorial isolation. That night, for the first time in my life, I had a panic attack! Fortunately, my wife and the night-shift nurse managed to calm me down and I was finally able to sleep a bit... The other very unpleasant thing is the fact that my nose was totally blocked (because of the rhinoplasty) so I had to breath through the mouth, which became dry pretty fast, making me having to drink water every 30 minutes or so...
Next morning came dr. Bart and he told me that the operation went really well and that the result (before the swelling and bruises developed) was really beautiful. He also noticed an hematoma on the inferior part of my left cheek, which apparently is a relatively common occurrence after a surgical reduction of the masseter muscle. It would totally self reabsorb but it would probably take a little while (around 4-6 weeks) - I was totally okay with this and appreciated his initiative and honesty. I was then discharged (not normal to leave so early, but since I live a mere 20 minutes from the 2Pass Clinic, he agreed).
My condition has been progressively improving, as well as the swelling and bruises.
One week after the operation, I had my follow-up consultation and dr. Bart removed my nose cast and the very few unabsorbable sutures left in place (nose and scalp) and then proceeded to take post-op pics.
So without further ado, here are the photos, preop, 7-days postop and the last one is a preop simulation
(https://preview.ibb.co/bDschc/preop1.jpg) (https://ibb.co/jfOToH)(https://preview.ibb.co/iGhzvx/postop1.jpg) (https://ibb.co/nFuq2c)
(https://preview.ibb.co/fDqmax/preop2.jpg) (https://ibb.co/ht8Hhc)(https://preview.ibb.co/mxyuTH/postop2.jpg) (https://ibb.co/dyZCFx)
(https://preview.ibb.co/ja418H/preop3.jpg) (https://ibb.co/dBzZTH)(https://preview.ibb.co/d8qmax/postop3.jpg) (https://ibb.co/ffQKvx)
(https://preview.ibb.co/dFr3Nc/simulation.jpg) (https://ibb.co/mafxhc)
Not bad, hum? ;) I think that the postop profile is really very close to the simulation and the results for the forehead and nose job are impressive! It's still soon and there's a lot of swelling and bruising that must go away in the upcoming months - I promise I'll keep you posted. Now, for the ones of you who ever wondered why I never posted a profile pic of myself... I think these pics answer that! ;D
One thing is certain: despite the swelling, bruising and absolutely ZERO makeup, I've been so far correctly gendered 100% of the time! And that was my big goal!
Eight days after the FFS, I also did a tummy tuck with liposculpture, but that's material enough for another post, which I'll cover in the upcoming days... Suffice to say that it also went very well! ;)
Well, Girls, I have to go now... I anxiously await your impressions and want to thank you once again for being part of my life. I don't even know if all this would have been possible without you! I love you! :icon_bunch:
Warm hugs, Sarah
That's great results! You looked absolutely amazing before, but after you are 100% unambiguously female for sure! I can't wait to see once the swelling goes down! :)
Quote from: Roll on February 27, 2018, 08:24:57 AM
That's great results! You looked absolutely amazing before, but after you are 100% unambiguously female for sure! I can't wait to see once the swelling goes down! :)
Thanks Roll!
That's really sweet! [emoji4]
I was mostly passable before, but some people misgendered me when they saw my profile (especially brow bossing and nose) and that caused some unwelcome dysphoria... As you say, I still expect some substantial change down the road, once the swelling and bruising have mostly subsided.
Warm hug, Sarah
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Congratulations on the successful FFS. You are looking good. (And will no doubt look even better once the swelling and bruising go down.)
Quote from: KathyLauren on February 27, 2018, 10:44:20 AM
Congratulations on the successful FFS. You are looking good. (And will no doubt look even better once the swelling and bruising go down.)
Thank you Kathy Lauren! I'm really curious about my image when all the swelling and bruising go away. In the meantime, the feeling of tightness on my face and lesser skin sensitivity are somewhat annoying. [emoji46] I know that in due time, these too will (at least mostly) go away... Patience is key... [emoji4]
Warm hugs, Sarah
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Great news Sarah! So happy for your making this step :-)
I'm happy to hear (and see!) that it all went well! I'm really happy for you Sarah!!
I agree with Ellie, you looked good before, but now you'll look amazing!
The nose job is impressive work. You look great.
Hi Sarah,
I cringe when I see all the bruising and swelling in these kind of pictures and yours are no different. It make me want to hug each of you that have FFS because it looks like it really hurts as if you've had the bejesus beaten out of you. But yes the nose and forehead and brow are very prominent changes. They obviously look good I can't wait to see how you look after the bruises and swelling are gone.
Hugs,
Laurie
Thanks Girls for your sweet feedback!
This was something that I craved so badly, for so long... It's funny... The other day, I was looking at a picture of me as kid with maybe 11 or 12 years-old and when I now look in the mirror, I feel that I can see that kid again.
Before undergoing my FFS, I also anticipated that I would somehow abruptly "mourn" my old image, but no... That didn't happen at all. I am unable to feel anything but happiness... I think that I had already mourned my old self along the last months, so despite the unchanged facial structure, "he" was already long gone...
You're right, Laurie... In the beginning, it looks like I've been hit by a train... [emoji856] It's just a little painful (really)... But very uncomfortable... However, I am able to witness the healing on an almost daily basis. For example, at the moment, my "racoon eyes" are about 20% of what you saw on the postop picture above and the swelling has also diminished considerably. I can now easily breathe through my nose, which allows me to sleep comfortably because I don't have to wake up every 30' to moisture my dry mouth. The gum bleeding has definitely stopped. I am now beginning exercising my mouth (I still can't open it fully because my masseter muscles are still irritated), my lips, my voice. My throath is still a bit irritated because of two long periods of orotracheal intubation (6h for the FFS + 5h for the tummy tuck and liposculpture), but nothing that low-dose ibuprofen can't alleviate. So I do believe that when I go back to work (I'm scheduled for a 12h night-shift on the 14th March) I'll be at least "presentable"... [emoji68]
I'll keep you girls posted about my evolution... Wow, Laurie... What a wild ride since that very first post. Never been so happy and thank you all for having encouraged me in doing all this!
I'll post about my tummy tuck and liposculture in about a week, after my follow-up consultation with my plastic surgeon, Dr. Doornaert.
Big warm hug!
Sarah
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Hi Girls!
I hope everything is going well with all of you!
Just a quick update... As planned, this Easter I went with my family on vacation to Hong Kong and Macao. It was my first intercontinental trip post-FFS and the least that I could say is that I am super happy with the experience. I wasn't misgendered a single time! There was even a gentleman who thought that I was the older sister of these two boys who actually are my two sons (12 and 15)! 🤣 I feel that there is still some remodelling going on on my face and a little swelling, but I think that so far the recovery has been pretty decent.
My hair is still growing and although it's not as long as I want it to be, I no longer feel embarassed to go out without a head cover and at work I never used a surgical cap again... Talking about work, I did a huge impression when I got back! In fact, some people from management that hadn't seen me since over a year didn't even recognize me and thought that I was a new physician! [emoji3] I'm actually a renewed one... [emoji57]
A couple of weeks ago I had my first appointment with a plastic surgeon, Prof. Monstrey, at the Universiy Hospital of Ghent, to discuss my SRS and in a couple of days I'll be visiting Dr. Houtmeyers, also in Belgium, for a second opinion... I think that this, together with BA, will be the final step in my physical transition. [emoji66] And for now, still busy with electrolysis... Grrrr...
I'll leave with a pic of me in the streets of Hong Kong...
Warm hugs, Sarah
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180414/79f8ee33f1b781708fd1d507099ce68d.jpg)
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Sarah! I am glad you had a good vacation and are recovering well. I love the photo: you are beautiful!
Sarah, I remember happening into your thread shortly after first arriving on these forums, when you were about 6 months into HRT. I remember the pictures vividly. I can definitely see how people didn't recognize you! You are such a wonderful inspiration! :)
Well I didn't recognise you , looking very well.
Hey hun, you're looking amazing! Glad things are going so well for you. X
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Hi Sarah!! I'm so happy things are going so well. You look amazing!
Hey Sarah! You do look amazing! 30 Years younger and so happy!
Quote from: Roll on April 14, 2018, 12:06:40 PM
Sarah, I remember happening into your thread shortly after first arriving on these forums, when you were about 6 months into HRT. I remember the pictures vividly. I can definitely see how people didn't recognize you! You are such a wonderful inspiration! :)
Roll, you made me go back to the beginning of the thread and I couldn't believe how much I changed, not only physically, but also in my confidence. This has been the most marvelous journey one can dream of, despite the occasional suffering. I don't regret it a bit! Very happy to be an inspiration! [emoji4]Many of the girls here and elsewhere were also my inspiration!
Warm hug, Sarah
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Hi Girls!
It's been quite a while, but as goes the saying, "no news is good news"! [emoji6]
So I've been quietly meandering my brand new life as Sarah. No big physical breakthroughs since my last post... My SRS and BA are still planned for March 2019. Still busy with electrolysis, now not only facial but also "down there". My hair keeps growing and it's now not noticeable anymore that I had once a quite severe balding... After 19 months HRT, fat redistribution is now evident, especially at the hips and thighs, notwithstanding a slightly lower body weight. Breasts are also objectively larger (3 cm increase in my chest circumference at the nipple level, along the last 6 months) and have a definitely feminine contour - they are certainly not "moobs" anymore...
My level of confidence has been improving even more. So much that last July, for the first time in my life, I gained the courage to wear a swimsuit and go to the beach, here close to home, in Netherlands. It was... liberating! It felt so right, so good. I never dreamed that I'd reach this milestone so early in my transition. Nobody paid attention to me... I felt perfectly stealth. It was wonderful! [emoji2956] Of course, this was in open-minded Netherlands... How well would it go in a more conservative place? [emoji848]
Well, I decided to find out and planned the first part of my summer vacations in a much more conservative region of Europe: very Catholic southern Italy, Puglia to be more precise! And not even the more touristy part of it, at that! We went every single day at the beach and guess what... nothing happened. Nope. I was not insulted. I was not stoned to death. I was looked at insistently only once by a man, but I have reasons to suspect that it was because I was in company of another woman (my wife) and we wear identical wedding rings... I had arrived to the beach alone a little earlier and that guy didn't pay attention to me, but as soon as my wife and kids joined me, he began staring... So I think that he had a problem with us as a lesbian couple with kids, not specifically with me. Which also sucks, albeit in a different kind of way... [emoji2955]
So it was, all in all, a very positive experience. So positive that we decided to spend the last week of Augustus in Malta, which, in sharp contrast with Italy, has the reputation of being the most LGBT-friendly country in Europe. Again, no problems there, even at the beach...
These positive beach experiences were very reassuring and boosted my confidence more than all the therapy sessions that I've gone through!
When we came back from Malta, I had a big surprise awaiting for me in the mailbox... My first name and gender had been officially corrected and the Civil Registry sent me a certified copy of my new birth certificate... "Sarah"... "Female"... I even started crying in the alley as I read the letter while walking from the mailbox to inside home. There was I, officially reborn, as the woman I always felt I was. [emoji175] A couple of days afterwards, I went to my country's consulate to have a new ID card and passport done. I should receive them in 1 or 2 weeks... So happy!
That's all for now... I'll leave with a couple of recent pics.
Love you all! [emoji173]
Sarah
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180908/92455964fdd22e4013e79454026e35a6.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180908/7055d683e0ca8e42341c41844a96f7c0.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180908/2a26068bb9ff0e8b602382e850cfc31f.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180908/f76874d41bb0d4e82d18971a187dc982.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180908/5a35721f7c622a136e9297307587e825.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20180908/cf24f3d8742ce81f58e7319019e4d062.jpg)
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Sarah! It's so good to hear from you. Congratulations on all the awesome progress. Your pictures are so lovely!
Don't stay away so long next time. We miss you!
Stephanie
Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 08, 2018, 09:13:38 AM
Sarah! It's so good to hear from you. Congratulations on all the awesome progress. Your pictures are so lovely!
Don't stay away so long next time. We miss you!
Stephanie
Thank you Stephanie! You are absolutely right! I'll try to keep you girls more up to date... Today, I suddenly missed this group so much! [emoji173]
Sarah
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Congratulations. Your trips and experiences sound amazing. And it is so nice that you are experiencing your new life, with the love and support of your wife and kids.
And you look amazing.
Karen
Go for it. You look very good and don't you forget it
Sarah, it is so good to hear from you and see your pictures after such a long time away. Seeing your photos, I can see why you have not had any problems: you are not even close to passing as male any more. You look adorable!
Congratulations on getting your documents updated, and good luck with your upcoming surgeries!
Sarah's back! [emoji4]. Hi hun <waves>. It looks and sounds like both life and HRT are treating you well, and I'm very happy to hear it. X
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Hi Sarah,
Welcome home. It's good to hear from you again. What a positive and glowing report! And those pictures! All I can say is Daaaaaaamn! You are looking good girl.
Hugs.
Laurie
Sarah! So glad to hear from you and all your positive steps.
Also your photos this lesbian is thinking decidedly naughty thoughts, omg you're so pretty.
Bestest,
Sadie
Quote from: Karen on September 08, 2018, 11:40:20 AM
Congratulations. Your trips and experiences sound amazing. And it is so nice that you are experiencing your new life, with the love and support of your wife and kids.
And you look amazing.
Karen
Hi Karen!
I have to say that the feeling that I have while transitioning is that of a rebirth, a second chance as the true and happy version of myself. I have to make up for the 44 years I lost living as someone else. I've been so thirsty of life! I try not to lose a single opportunity to enjoy all of "this"... I only mentioned the "big trips", but actually, as a family, we spend most of our free time doing stuff locally - mostly trekking, exploring little towns and cities around us, going to concerts...
I realize how lucky I was with my family... It's been one year and half since my decision and until this very day I ask myself "why"? Why did they accept me? It's unconditional love. It can only be. [emoji173]
Warm hugs, Sarah
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Hi Jesse! Carpe diem, as they say! [emoji6][emoji173]
Quote from: jesse135 on September 08, 2018, 11:45:43 AM
Go for it. You look very good and don't you forget it
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