Just feeling a bit flat lately and doing my best to cope
Realizing the depths to which I've hurt my wife recently.
Left leg is a smidge shorter then the right due to past knee replacement thus throwing my hips, and lower back off a bit. Went for a brisk walk for three miles up and down hills and everything is killing me this morning.
My dear friend can not go fishing with us next week :(
Quote from: justpat on March 22, 2014, 09:18:10 AM
My dear friend can not go fishing with us next week :(
Hey Patti and Allyda, catch a big one for me ladies!
Quote from: Shantel on March 22, 2014, 09:22:28 AM
Hey Patti and Allyda, catch a big one for me ladies!
We sure will girl. I'll have some photo's of us when I come back I'll send ya too. Hopefully holding a whopper or two, lol! ;) And maybe a video or two of my Shadow making some 83 mph passes. :) :) ;)
An old acquaintance of mine lost the battle against cancer last night. Just got the message. :(
The terrible wind. I hate it.
I was unhappy earlier to hear one of my other Trans MTF girlfriends is upset by her hrt results so far. I re-assured her hrt takes time and not to rush things. I just hope she's feeling better this afternoon. ;)
Being out of shaving cream and having stubbly legs on one of the first days it's bloody warm enough to wear shorts outside :(
I'm 22/32 in the bracket pool after the first round. Should be doing better.
Nicked my legs in 3 or 4 places. I just hate that. I've only shaved my legs for 30 years. I should have throw away the razor & got a new one. Nothing is worse than legs with nicks, blood spots. Uggggg.
Quote from: FrancisAnn on March 22, 2014, 07:05:12 PMNicked my legs in 3 or 4 places. I just hate that. I've only shaved my legs for 30 years. I should have throw away the razor & got a new one. Nothing is worse than legs with nicks, blood spots. Uggggg.
Most every time I shave I have nicks. I just resort to wearing sweatpants the say I shave, but there's got to be a better way.
Quote from: Sois toi-même! on March 22, 2014, 03:38:13 PMI'm 22/32 in the bracket pool after the first round. Should be doing better.
No one expected Ohio State to lose, except Ann Arbor and a few people here, because we have burning hatred for the Buckeyes.
I rarely ever kick myself. Love shaving my legs really. Unless my legs are smooth they just feel terrible, yuck. I tried some new razors & just not safe enough I guess.
You can do it, just keep trying, no reason for nicks at all.
Quote from: FrancisAnn on March 22, 2014, 08:03:05 PMI rarely ever kick myself. Love shaving my legs really. Unless my legs are smooth they just feel terrible, yuck. I tried some new razors & just not safe enough I guess.
You can do it, just keep trying, no reason for nicks at all.
I've always been bad at shaving. Not once have I shaved my legs, face, armpits, arms, chest, whatever, without getting a cut. Of course with that frequexcy and volume, I'm not surprised. And I use a ladie's razor too, which is supposed to be a lot more comfortable. It is more comfortable than using a men's razor for anything but the face, but it's still not as smooth as it could be. Hopefully skin and body hair changes under HRT will help that out, now that I'm just awaiting a reply from my doctor on the lab results.
Looking in my panties and seeing my penis.
Quote from: mac1 on March 22, 2014, 08:24:25 PM
Looking in my panties and seeing my penis.
I know girl friend it's tough. For me the little thing just looks so strange, out of place.
Sad about my roommate and her two friends in here who are getting ready to go out tonight and all going through each other's assortment of clothes and shoes to find the perfect outfit, while no girl, not even other trans girls, I know are over 5'8." 7 inches of height and are over a size 8 in shoes. Except one, she's cis, 6'0," and size 10 shoe, but has a longer inseam than me somehow, she neither lives on campus, nor do I feel I know her enough to borrow clothes from her.
There they go, I'm now at my 4th worst feeling in 8 days (which are my 4 worst feelings ever.) Of course that's to avoid making it the first worst feeling ever. I get why my roommate didn't want me to come, it might not be safe, especially when other people are wasted out of their mind and being total ->-bleeped-<-s to me, but you know, at the same time, it feels like my "friends" are trying to exclude me from being with them. I know it's the former situation, but it feels like the latter.
I saw an article where the author accused other gay men of internalized homophobia... and then proceeded to claim all gay men are sissies. What a hypocrite.
The audio from one of the sermons I plan to watch in about 30 minutes stopped half way so the sermon had to be cut short.....and it looked lik it was going to be a great sermon too. :/
My stupid class is stupid.
Discovering that Dave Brockie aka Oderus Urungus died today at the age of 50.
Rest In Peace, ya Scumdog.
:(
Can I have one class today in which people don't talk badly about trans?
I keep trying to get my son a doctor's appointment so he can go back to day care and his autism program, but I keep getting the busy signal and by the time I don't, all the spots are taken.
Feeling like I can never get the ball rolling for my transition. :/
Tomorrow 25.000€ will leave my bank account forever, effectively destroying any chance of finishing surgical transition before turning 35. Goodbye SRS, hello partial FFS, goodbye hideous rental flat, hello not very cool looking home that I'm only buying because in case I find work again it will let me save money again.
Despite the logical reasoning that having passability is more important than a frankenpussy and telling myself that I can do fine with a dick for a few more years... The thought of being trapped like this eats me from inside.
The doctor received the blood test, but it could be up to 2 weeks until she gets around to reviewing them and clearing me.
The delays never end. Whenever I get close, there's ALWAYS something in the way. EVERY SINGLE TIME!
My SO called me a freak.
I feel like my marriage just committed seppuku.
W8.1 committed suicide on me due to overloaded RAM. Had to wipe and start over.
I'm exhausted
I was male assigned at birth but I want to have a female body
"The answer is blowin' in the wind".
I hate wind...
My skinny jeans seem to have shrunk around the waist, time to get serious again >:(
Quote from: Shantel on March 25, 2014, 08:33:48 AM
My skinny jeans seem to have shrunk around the waist, time to get serious again >:(
It's all the jeans fault. Blame them. :)
Packing always makes me sad
Quote from: RobinGee on March 25, 2014, 05:47:42 AM
I was male assigned at birth but I want to have a female body
Me too - sounds great!
Having no money at all.
Hubby cooked some roast potatoes on Sunday using olive oil that was almost a year out of date.
I won't gross you out with the details, but suffice it to say I've been a regular visitor to the porcelain throne for the past three days.
Today I'm feeling really down...
I went out and, instead of feeling good, I fet the immediate need to come back home and hide myself beneath my blankets.
Now I am feeling hungry and I want to eat until I die...
I just don't know if I'll ever get over my male ego enough to do anything feminine in front of someone else
As I am generally a happy person this is a tough one. I would say looking in the mirror at this stage of my transition. But it's a two way street a I am finally doing something about it...
Getting increasingly annoyed with a famous internet trans man (not going to say who so it doesn't come off as slander lol). A while back he needed some extra money, times got hard and his surgery was coming up. I felt really sorry for him so I donated to his donation page. I was doing well at the time and donated $100 because I wanted to help a guy out, you know?
Anyway, since then he's gotten work and stuff back on track, and had his surgery, but then not that long after he wanted donations because he adopted some pets and couldn't afford certain fees. Now he's going on and on about how he's unhappy with his body and he thinks getting a tattoo would make him feel better about it...what do you want to bet that in a few days there's a tattoo fund for people to donate to?
It makes me pissed off that I ever donated that money to him. Hell, I could use that right now because I may not be able to pay rent in a month. But I don't go online and beg. I didn't mind helping someone in a bind once, but when you get your life back together, and then adopt animals you can't afford, and the surgery did zero to improve your dysphoria and now you're moving on to the next thing (which isn't even actually a transgender related procedure, just a cosmetic issue...) I'm going to get pretty damn annoyed.
I should have known though because he was on and off T so many times, had a surgery planned and backed out for the love of his boobs. I suppose I have no one to blame but myself.
My cell phone charger isn't working. There are no frays in it so I can't detect what the problem is. It isn't the plug. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH! Now I'm going to have to buy a new charger. My phone is almost dead and I may have potential employers calling me in the next few days....and it's cold outside.
Mystery facial swelling
I'm afraid to go to English class today because I've missed so many classes I've probably missed an essay and it's due today or something.
I'm pretty sure I was going to fail even without missing an essay because the class takes attendance.
I'm down south Florida on vacation with good friends and the weather sucks. Can't even put our boats in the water :( Weather's supposed to improve Friday so I remain optimistic. ;)
Getting literally no sleep last night at all, and now have a full day of work ahead.
That i didnt just wake up and and magically be transformed to how I want.... that I still have to wait..... and that it is cold outside... where is my warm weather???
I'm down to $15.28 in cash, $1.20 I need for the bus to the therapist after picking up my prescription, and to get back after that, with $7.74 on my card. I hope to whatever that my doctor prescribed me generics and that my insurance covers them so I can get them for $5 each.
I got assigned to a night shift at work
Sooo tired.
My father cutting me off when I suggest tryingfor my mopad license in case I fail the driving test.
Not living up north where there is adquate public transportation so I don't have to worry about this nonsense
Having a small cough
Not interesting games coming out in the future
Having the job search (online) running thin
Not being on T
Neckbeard stubble. You are so gross. Please develop into proper stubble ASAP.
Today would be my father's 57th birthday...
I am always speaking of death...ugh, I must be a very depressing and awful person to meet...
I know it isn't right, but I am "cheering" with a malzbier...and that after taking one pill of bromazepam. I am such a crazy girl...
Not only I am becoming a woman, but I am also each time more gloomy, depressed and wearing black...soon I will be a goth...or an alcoholic goth cutting my wrists.
Quote from: Natalia on March 27, 2014, 12:33:27 PM
Today would be my father's 57th birthday...
I am always speaking of death...ugh, I must be a very depressing and awful person to meet...
I know it isn't right, but I am "cheering" with a malzbier...and that after taking one pill of bromazepam. I am such a crazy girl...
Not only I am becoming a woman, but I am also each time more gloomy, depressed and wearing black...soon I will be a goth...or an alcoholic goth cutting my wrists.
Don't do that Natalia, you are coming along so nicely why ruin it? Malzbier and Bromazapam are a prescription that could leave you in a coma. STOP!
home sick today
body and joint aches, brain fog, and flu-life symptoms
yeuch
Quote from: Sois toi-même! on March 27, 2014, 03:07:31 PM
home sick today
body and joint aches, brain fog, and flu-life symptoms
yeuch
Not fun, hopes for a quick recovery!
Quote from: Shantel on March 27, 2014, 12:44:25 PM
Don't do that Natalia, you are coming along so nicely why ruin it? Malzbier and Bromazapam are a prescription that could leave you in a coma. STOP!
I know I shouldn't...more than anyone, because my fathers met their fate because of these matters...
But you know what? I slept like a baby this entire afternoon lol And I feel someway calmer now.
Hopefully on the next days I'll feel better...or at least I wish I could, because I'm noticing that the empty hole left by my mother's death is getting each day bigger...and every morning that passes seem harder to stand to waking up and don't seeing her listening to her musics ans bringing joy to my life...I can't sleep without listening to her "snoring" (she wouldn't like that word) on the room right to mine.
First world problem I know, but I'm very, very angry about the changes to the QANTAS frequent flyer programme. Fairer flying, my a.......
Some things my roommate says, they shouldn't hurt, she doesn't mean for them to hurt, but they still do.
"I wish there wasn't such thing as makeup"
"I wish there wasn't such thing as plastic surgery"
Without those two, I don't look feminine enough to be considered female. They're essential to my appearance, the former right now, the latter in the future.
"I look so ugly today!"
That's never true, she's incredibly beautiful, and I'd be extremely envious if I could ever have her level of appearance.
It's also her birthday tomorrow, and she's going out every night this weekend. I feel excluded when she told me last week that I shouldn't go out, not because she was embarrassed to be around me, but because she was afraid what others would do, especially under the influence of copious amounts of alcohol. I want to believe the latter, but it feels like the former.
Quote from: megants on March 27, 2014, 07:07:05 PMFirst world problem I know, but I'm very, very angry about the changes to the QANTAS frequent flyer programme. Fairer flying, my a.......
I'd use Cathay or Singapore for the Kangaroo Route myself, maybe Etihad. Qantas is meh.
well, I actually had a pretty good day today but I tonight I was reading about top surgery and the recovery and realize as long as I have my dog, I won't be able to do it. that sucks.
Something (presumably that I ate) made me really sick. I'm supposed to go up for my T shot tomorrow so I really hope this only lasts an hour or so.
My mom got off of work early and is on her way home. :(
Sick :(
Quote from: Colleen♡Callie on March 28, 2014, 08:54:12 AM
Sick :(
Something is going around, everyone is getting sick! :(
My mom was sick, I might have avoided if not for being awake for 38 hours straight. But yeah something going around.
Quote from: Colleen♡Callie on March 28, 2014, 08:54:12 AM
Sick :(
<Hands Colleen chicken soup, blanket and teddy bear>Get well soon sweetie! :icon_hug:
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on March 28, 2014, 02:34:40 PM
<Hands Colleen chicken soup, blanket and teddy bear>Get well soon sweetie! :icon_hug:
I am going to draw this. When I'm feeling better, but yeah..
sicker than yesterday :(
stomach flu
Took a nap during the day and now my sleep schedule is all thrown off.
Also feeling inferior because I can neither act like a normal college student or a normal girl.
I helped a friend of mine to take his dog to the vet...the dog was so cute...like Milu from Tintin
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcuacarraquear.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2009%2F01%2Ftintin.jpg&hash=9695e45dd1fac7d46c38ef62b1a5b07ca32318d2)
the poor dog was suffering so bad...he couldn't move very well (ataxia) and kept hitting his head on the wall and floor...but he wanted to walk, he didn't want to stay laying in his bed all day...
One of his paws was broken...and he insisted in trying to use it...each barking of pain was like a sharp razor hitting my heart...the poor little creature only got calmer in my arms and there he slept...
But the vet thinks he have a brain tumour :( the only option may be euthanasia :'(
Quote from: Natalia on March 28, 2014, 06:40:42 PMI helped a friend of mine to take his dog to the vet...the dog was so cute...like Milu from Tintin
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcuacarraquear.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2009%2F01%2Ftintin.jpg&hash=9695e45dd1fac7d46c38ef62b1a5b07ca32318d2)
the poor dog was suffering so bad...he couldn't move very well (ataxia) and kept hitting his head on the wall and floor...but he wanted to walk, he didn't want to stay laying in his bed all day...
One of his paws was broken...and he insisted in trying to use it...each barking of pain was like a sharp razor hitting my heart...the poor little creature only got calmer in my arms and there he slept...
But the vet thinks he have a brain tumour :( the only option may be euthanasia :'(
Oh non! Pas Milou! :(
One of the girls in my room is suffering pretty badly with depression, but isn't at the stage where she wants/can do anything to get better. I'm sitting here watching her boyfriend feel helpless and lost, and her laying in her misery. It's like seeing my life a couple of years ago through someone else's eyes, and there's sod all I can do about it, because I'm as useless as a teaspoon at emotions.
My girlfriend is at the point of wanting to resign her job, but there's no other decent jobs around in the area (not that her's really is). In three months she could move away with me, but not until then. Sitting at home and doing nothing won't help her feel better about herself, but it's got to the point where I can't see it getting better there, and I can't bear to know that she's coming home in tears.
bad PTSD day. bleh
I checked my weight and i was at about 170-180 pounds. i wish i could just get rid of 30 of those pounds because they're making my waistline unsightly
Waking up and still being alive
Being completely out of money and options for food
Quote from: big kim on March 29, 2014, 05:14:57 PM
Waking up and still being alive
I know the feeling
Hugs
Quote from: RobinGee on March 29, 2014, 08:11:26 PM
Being completely out of money and options for food
You and me both
Hugs
Ended up torturing myself with reading my parents' old e-mails about me again. I wanted to know what their thoughts were on an old teacher I've recently got in touch with, turns out they getting the school to spy on me for the majority of the year while letting me believe that I had freedom. One night (at least) they even encouraged them to put baby monitors around my room to keep an eye on me all night. At least I didn't get as far as the one where they said that I'd faked my own suicide attempt... Argh, my memories bad enough that I always forget what they, and it always hurts like reading it for the first time. He was a good man, and still is, but if I'm to ever catch up with him again my options seem to be 10 hours on a train in one day just for an hour or two, or sleeping rough somewhere because I can't afford a hotel.
My girlfriend's admitted that if she doesn't resign from work her mental health is going to take a beating.
dry and sore throat
Migraine
I had to ride on the church van with unruly teenagers.
An hours less sleep because the clocks went forward
One week after having the spots,itching and pain from shingles and still dealing with serve fatigue.
Sore throat, feeling sick and on my period
My T is 4 days late and I feel kind of off.
Feeling like some of my friends are treating me less like a guy than they used to...and my voice has been higher/cracking the past couple days ugh.
The people I need to help me move, refuse to use correct pronouns. But I need the help.
I end up depressed for days after each day of a few hours. I can't handle more than that without going totally bonkers. One more weekend with them and I should be done.
Nicked my legs shaving. I just hate that. I've shaved my legs all my life & rarely cut myself. Yuck hate nicks & blood.
I'm missing a sock and my foot is getting cold. I'm sick. I'm on my period. My throat is sore. My speaker desk
s frayed wire is getting worse.
EDIT: Found my sockbut the other stuff still applies
I had a panic attack and yelled at my friend. Luckily, he accepted my apology and was completely understanding.
Then later I lost my temper at someone who said the civil rights bill was about men going in women's bathrooms. It was probably more out of ignorance than anything and I should have explained to him why I was mad instead of yelling. Luckily, again, my friends were understanding and accepted my apology (I didn't apologize to him and won't, but I was behaving badly in front of my friends).
Still seeing that disgusting thing between my legs. :icon_sadblinky:
Quote from: Edge on March 31, 2014, 03:19:38 PM
I had a panic attack and yelled at my friend. Luckily, he accepted my apology and was completely understanding.
Then later I lost my temper at someone who said the civil rights bill was about men going in women's bathrooms. It was probably more out of ignorance than anything and I should have explained to him why I was mad instead of yelling. Luckily, again, my friends were understanding and accepted my apology (I didn't apologize to him and won't, but I was behaving badly in front of my friends).
Eliminating gender specific restrooms would solve a lot of problems.
Quote from: mac1 on March 31, 2014, 04:07:48 PMEliminating gender specific restrooms would solve a lot of problems.
Errr, yes.
Had an incident today where someone turned off the light while I was still in the bathroom. Seconds later, someone else comes in and turns on the light. I was scared as hell to make any noise or movement until they left, so I wouldn't be accused of being a predator or something.
Quote from: mac1 on March 31, 2014, 04:07:48 PM
Eliminating gender specific restrooms would solve a lot of problems.
I suggested this as a school board policy to discuss and heard crickets. That made me unhappy.
I've been noticing lately how I act differently from other men in relationships (I don't mean a-hole guys, I mean nice guys). I normally don't care about gender roles, but for whatever reason, it makes me feel bad. And it's giving me second doubts about even pursuing a relationship. I never noticed it with my ex because she's for the most part quite feminine, so it made me seem masculine in comparison.
It's just depressing. I feel like no one will ever see me for who I am if they knew how I was.
Stupid beard/facial hair. The damn stuff will not stop growing. I could live a normal life as a normal woman with no problems at all except for this damn hair. Yuck.
Quote from: FrancisAnn on March 31, 2014, 08:08:58 PMStupid beard/facial hair. The damn stuff will not stop growing. I could live a normal life as a normal woman with no problems at all except for this damn hair. Yuck.
Even shaving daily does not curtail the growth. Ugh, it's so annoying.
Im so lonely...
Quote from: Lauren5 on March 31, 2014, 08:39:47 PM
Even shaving daily does not curtail the growth. Ugh, it's so annoying.
antiandrogens should help a bit with that ...
Quote from: Emo on March 31, 2014, 11:25:20 PM
Im so lonely...
:( *hugs*
Quote from: FalsePrincess on April 01, 2014, 12:31:39 AMantiandrogens should help a bit with that ...
:( *hugs*
A little. But the beard is already stuck in there, unfortunately.
The finale of How I Met Your Mother made me cry. It was over two hours ago and I'm still crying.
I'm going to miss that show.
Quote from: Lauren5 on April 01, 2014, 12:35:33 AM
A little. But the beard is already stuck in there, unfortunately.
No seriously, its slows down growth and sometimes makes it dissappear.
My hair is slowly dissipating and its only been 2, months on the stuff.
Quote from: FalsePrincess on April 01, 2014, 12:31:39 AM
antiandrogens should help a bit with that ...
:( *hugs*
Thank you.
If i ever get enough money, im coming to visit.
Quote from: Emo on April 01, 2014, 01:59:22 AM
Thank you.
If i ever get enough money, im coming to visit.
That would be so awesome :)
Quote from: FalsePrincess on April 01, 2014, 02:27:48 AM
That would be so awesome :)
oh and learning greek would help too. XD
I kept getting called "sir" over the phone today.
Finding out I'm out of pocket for the orchi 100% at the absolute worst possible time of the year to take a significant financial hit. Probably need to off a few guitars now. Any 5-string bass players out there?
Quote from: Jill F on April 01, 2014, 09:52:50 PM
Finding out I'm out of pocket for the orchi 100% at the absolute worst possible time of the year to take a significant financial hit. Probably need to off a few guitars now. Any 5-string bass players out there?
Southpaw, perchance? ;)
Quote from: Jill F on April 01, 2014, 12:48:31 AM
The finale of How I Met Your Mother made me cry. It was over two hours ago and I'm still crying.
I'm going to miss that show.
My favourite clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0quM2txQwg
Quote from: Jill F on April 01, 2014, 09:52:50 PMFinding out I'm out of pocket for the orchi 100% at the absolute worst possible time of the year to take a significant financial hit. Probably need to off a few guitars now. Any 5-string bass players out there?
I'll take it for $10.
Sorry, can't afford much more than that.
I'm a horrid bass player anyways, and play left handed too. Cheapest decent quality left handed bass I've ever found (online, I can never find them in stores) was $250. Add a decent amp and you're looking at $350, plus shipping. Nope, can't afford that. So I guess I'll just not practice and not get any better.
Quote from: Djynne on April 01, 2014, 10:19:07 PM
Southpaw, perchance? ;)
Yes, but I play guitar right handed. D'oh!
I play south paw
Quote from: V M on April 02, 2014, 01:14:33 AM
I play south paw
What is it with lefty guitar players around here? The first time I picked one up I wanted to play lefty but the guy at the shop told me, "Son, don't be a lefty if you can stand it. You'll never find a good lefty guitar. Well, maybe you will, but it might take you ten or twenty years because there's 100 times more righty guitars out there." At the time (1977) I couldn't play either way anyway so it was a wash. I adapted. The weird thing is that I can play lefty (not well, mind you- but I can work on a lefty's guitar and have it come out just as nicely) and I can actually sing at the same time. I can't do that as well (or much at all) right handed. Somewhere out there there's a clip of me doing "Wild Thing" on a lefty guitar and singing it at the same time Jimi style. Normally I can't do that with my righty guitars.
Quote from: Jill F on April 02, 2014, 01:25:49 AM
What is it with lefty guitar players around here?
I don't know, I had an injury and it was the only way I was able to hold a guitar and there wasn't much else I could do to pass the time for quite awhile
I started playing in the 70's also
I'm just one of those ZepoHendriBeatStoneDoors hybrids that enjoys giving my guitars all the love they deserve
Quote from: V M on April 02, 2014, 02:22:02 AM
I don't know, I had an injury and it was the only way I was able to hold a guitar and there wasn't much else I could do to pass the time for quite awhile
I started playing in the 70's also
I'm just one of those ZepoHendriBeatStoneDoors hybrids that enjoys giving my guitars all the love they deserve
The second most famous lefty guitar I ever got to fingerf&*^ was one of Jimi's (OK, it was a righty 1968/9 Strat flipped over). Well documented and from a dealer with a famous and impeccable reputation. It was offered to me in 1999 for $55,000 for a quick sale. The owner needed $50K, the broker needed 10%. It didn't last a day. Today I could have financed it. *le sigh* Could have made a $200K profit...
Oh well, I'm a classic rocker too and have covered every one of those bands you mentioned at one time or another.
Sorry, forgot to mention Bowie
Yup, I love my early influences, but have a great appreciation for several other groups and styles
As long as it rocks or even soothes in a rockin' way I'm bound to like it - There's a certain element that I can't quite describe in words but it has something to do with staying power that will draw my attention - Something just goes click
Saw Joan Jet last night on the TV - She still kicks ass
Had a dysphoric dream this morning. :(
I feel confident that I pass quite well as male in my everyday life, but I dreamt that somebody showed me some photos of myself that had been taken within the past few weeks... and I looked not just female, but extremely feminine in every single one.
I had horrible thoughts of 'what am I doing wrong?' and 'who am I trying to kid?' which I had to work my way through when I woke up.
Curse you, gender dysphoria!
Quote from: FTMDiaries on April 02, 2014, 03:27:34 AM
Had a dysphoric dream this morning. :(
I feel confident that I pass quite well as male in my everyday life, but I dreamt that somebody showed me some photos of myself that had been taken within the past few weeks... and I looked not just female, but extremely feminine in every single one.
I had horrible thoughts of 'what am I doing wrong?' and 'who am I trying to kid?' which I had to work my way through when I woke up.
Curse you, gender dysphoria!
:(
curse you indeed!
My grandmother was watching the news, and a woman came on who had spent the better part of the last few years transitioning, and was discussing gender. My grandmother had some very harsh words to say, and considering she is generally a very positive and open-minded woman, this made me incredibly anxious about the thought of coming out to her. I was thinking she might be one of the few people I won't come out to. That made me pretty unhappy...
One, still upset about the finale of HIMYM. It ruins the entire shows emotional arc.
Two, my gender and marriagie issues are coming to a head. It looks like I may have to choose. Tonight.
Good luck tonight, Robin! Follow your heart.
Great Big Hugs :icon_hug:,
Gloria
Feeling sick :(
Quote from: Nattie on April 02, 2014, 04:30:56 AM
My grandmother was watching the news, and a woman came on who had spent the better part of the last few years transitioning, and was discussing gender. My grandmother had some very harsh words to say, and considering she is generally a very positive and open-minded woman, this made me incredibly anxious about the thought of coming out to her. I was thinking she might be one of the few people I won't come out to. That made me pretty unhappy...
Sometimes older people react that way when confronted by something like that because they are embarrassed and don't know how to respond to being suddenly exposed something so new, unusual and seemingly odd. (It's hard to teach old dogs new tricks!)
Quote from: Nattie on April 02, 2014, 04:30:56 AM
My grandmother was watching the news, and a woman came on who had spent the better part of the last few years transitioning, and was discussing gender. My grandmother had some very harsh words to say, and considering she is generally a very positive and open-minded woman, this made me incredibly anxious about the thought of coming out to her. I was thinking she might be one of the few people I won't come out to. That made me pretty unhappy...
It might be a bad sign, but people can surprise you. I had a friend and she was saying stuff about "trannies" and I came out to her a few months later. She felt really bad. She said something along the lines of "I know what I've said about trans people in the past, and I hope this doesn't impact our friendship. I support you and I want you to be happy."
UGH. Scheduling surgery around my spring/summer plans and my 2 doctors is not working out so well.
Quote from: RobinGee on April 02, 2014, 07:04:39 AM
Two, my gender and marriagie issues are coming to a head. It looks like I may have to choose. Tonight.
Why do you have to choose?
Quote from: Shantel on April 02, 2014, 10:27:00 AM
Sometimes older people react that way when confronted by something like that because they are embarrassed and don't know how to respond to being suddenly exposed something so new, unusual and seemingly odd. (It's hard to teach old dogs new tricks!)
Oh, I definitely understand that, culturally and socially we still live in a timeframe where LGBTQ is still very much taboo and weird, and although acceptance is getting better (seemingly) with each new generation, old habits die hard. It just means that she may not accept me.
Quote from: birkin on April 02, 2014, 04:43:23 PM
It might be a bad sign, but people can surprise you. I had a friend and she was saying stuff about "trannies" and I came out to her a few months later. She felt really bad. She said something along the lines of "I know what I've said about trans people in the past, and I hope this doesn't impact our friendship. I support you and I want you to be happy."
Hehe somehow that would make it worse in my mind, I think, because it would feel like secretly they don't accept you, but that being said, maybe being so close to somebody who is experiencing it, and learning more about it as a result would change their bias? ^^ That gives me hope.
I keep trying to reach out to a friend and keep being pushed away.
I don't get to have friends. I get people I call friends because acquaintance is annoying to say.
Quote from: Edge on April 02, 2014, 09:10:36 PM
I keep trying to reach out to a friend and keep being pushed away.
I don't get to have friends. I get people I call friends because acquaintance is annoying to say.
I hear yah. Soooo many acquaintances. :<
And then when someone actually likes me as a friend I start avoiding them because I can't handle it :x
What made me sad today was consciously realizing for the billionth time that I'm really not okay with things always being like that.
I missed the "pass" level on my math-exam by 1.5 points. I had 28.5 and pass was 30....(At university level this is)
My mom isn't going to work today.....
Some journalist is trying to get in touch with 'post-op trans people' to share their stories in a women's magazine. Somehow, I have my doubts that it'll be sympathetic or flattering - particularly if they're insensitive and uninformed enough to specify 'post-op' as their opening gambit.
Are we still talking about "the op", complete with wiggly fingers to denote the quotes around it, in this day & age?
My mom won't let me buy guns as long as I live in her house. My mom smokes about half a pack of cigerettes a day and drinks like crazy.....yet she's worried about a gun in the house? Well since it IS her house and she's paying the bills, I have to respect that. Then I look at it transition-wise. She may not let me have top surgery as long as I live with her, so I need to be able to face that possibility too and be prepared for it.
LOL... looking in the mirror and seing a double chin... :( Time to hit the gym Veronica... ;D ;D ;D
Quote from: Malachite on April 03, 2014, 06:15:36 AM
My mom won't let me buy guns as long as I live in her house. My mom smokes about half a pack of cigerettes a day and drinks like crazy.....yet she's worried about a gun in the house? Well since it IS her house and she's paying the bills, I have to respect that. Then I look at it transition-wise. She may not let me have top surgery as long as I live with her, so I need to be able to face that possibility too and be prepared for it.
So if she says no to top surgery are you going to shoot her? :D ;D >:-) Ok juuuust kidding!
Quote from: Malachite on April 03, 2014, 06:15:36 AM
My mom won't let me buy guns as long as I live in her house. My mom smokes about half a pack of cigerettes a day and drinks like crazy.....yet she's worried about a gun in the house? Well since it IS her house and she's paying the bills, I have to respect that. Then I look at it transition-wise. She may not let me have top surgery as long as I live with her, so I need to be able to face that possibility too and be prepared for it.
If she drinks like crazy, its probably a good thing not to have too many weapons in the house. You never know what could happen when someone drinks a lot.
Quote from: piglet smith on April 03, 2014, 11:06:32 AM
If she drinks like crazy, its probably a good thing not to have too many weapons in the house. You never know what could happen when someone drinks a lot.
Uh yeah, wise advice for sure! Alcohol can turn a Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde rather quickly.
Quote from: Shantel on April 03, 2014, 10:56:35 AM
So if she says no to top surgery are you going to shoot her? :D ;D >:-) Ok juuuust kidding!
Part of the reason she won't let me buy one is because she really is afraid that I really would shoot her.
Quote from: big head horsey-face on April 03, 2014, 11:06:32 AM
If she drinks like crazy, its probably a good thing not to have too many weapons in the house. You never know what could happen when someone drinks a lot.
I was going to invest in a biometric safe box to put it in so only I could have access to it.
So many things i want to do yet i need money for. And im broke.
This sux. -_-
Quote from: Malachite on April 03, 2014, 02:50:30 PM
Part of the reason she won't let me buy one is because she really is afraid that I really would shoot her.
I was going to invest in a biometric safe box to put it in so only I could have access to it.
You should just continue to save your money for what's most important to you.
Quote from: Emo on April 03, 2014, 03:10:37 PM
So many things i want to do yet i need money for. And im broke.
This sux. -_-
Welcome to the club! We would have meetings, but no one can afford the gas to go to them...
Quote from: big head horsey-face on April 03, 2014, 03:13:17 PM
You should just continue to save your money for what's most important to you.
Right now that would be top surgery, but it would be nice to own a gun. I guess I'll just have to find another weapon to own.
Quote from: Emo on April 03, 2014, 03:10:37 PM
So many things i want to do yet i need money for. And im broke.
This sux. -_-
I know that feeling all too well.
Haha, I can't picture you shooting your mom, Malachite. As much as she might annoy you sometimes. I can see it now though, that I think of it enough.... "My mom isn't going to work today...BECAUSE SHE'S DEAD. >:-) >:-)" And then you proceed to throw out the junk food and sell everything in the house.
Quote from: birkin on April 03, 2014, 05:31:24 PM
Haha, I can't picture you shooting your mom, Malachite. As much as she might annoy you sometimes. I can see it now though, that I think of it enough.... "My mom isn't going to work today...BECAUSE SHE'S DEAD. >:-) >:-)" And then you proceed to throw out the junk food and sell everything in the house.
:D LOL! I would be selling her stuff like crazy, and perhaps get atleast around $500 for everything! I do want to shoot my mom with silly string or a water gun though.
Hemorrhaging cash again.
Property taxes
Random bills
Doctor/surgeon bills
Prescriptions
Federal and state taxes
Car repair
Welp. It's pretty much all gone until July now.
Can you say CASHTRATION?
Quote from: Jill F on April 03, 2014, 07:24:13 PM
Hemorrhaging cash again.
.................................
Welp. It's pretty much all gone until July now.
Can you say CASHTRATION?
I like that.
I binged again :(
Happy then sad... :x
I heard that one of my distant relatives had passed away. My father's father's father's sister's daughter(Age 76). I only met her once or so. Still a bit sad to lose a relative since there are very few living, she had no children.
Paranoia. Then again, it's not paranoia when it's right.
An old classmate tracked me down a couple of months ago, and we spent some time chatting on Facebook. I had to come out to her at the time because I've transitioned on FB... but as she's a South African of a certain generation, her awareness of LGBT issues is pretty much stuck in the 1980s. ::)
So she's asked a lot of inappropriate questions about my transition, and as we were good friends growing up I decided to answer some of them, even if it felt uncomfortable to do so. But now she keeps pestering me on FB.
Every time I show up as being online on FB she tries to chat... and she keeps pushing to see current photos, presumably so she can get her Jerry Springer thrills. I'm not inclined to help her out with that.
So basically, I'm spooked off of Facebook because an old friend is making me feel uncomfortable with her intrusive, inappropriate questions and her constant badgering to see 'before & after' photos.
Apparently I'm allergic to gluten and milk... And this explains a lot of my ,previously treated as imaginary, stomachaches.
Long day, rain. Waiting for electro lady tomorrow & plastic surgeon visit Monday. I should would like to get rid of all this hair & complete my face/neck lift so I could finally live a normal life as an attractive woman.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on April 04, 2014, 08:46:19 AM
An old classmate tracked me down a couple of months ago, and we spent some time chatting on Facebook. I had to come out to her at the time because I've transitioned on FB... but as she's a South African of a certain generation, her awareness of LGBT issues is pretty much stuck in the 1980s. ::)
So she's asked a lot of inappropriate questions about my transition, and as we were good friends growing up I decided to answer some of them, even if it felt uncomfortable to do so. But now she keeps pestering me on FB.
Every time I show up as being online on FB she tries to chat... and she keeps pushing to see current photos, presumably so she can get her Jerry Springer thrills. I'm not inclined to help her out with that.
So basically, I'm spooked off of Facebook because an old friend is making me feel uncomfortable with her intrusive, inappropriate questions and her constant badgering to see 'before & after' photos.
Time to block? :-\
Quote from: Djynne on April 04, 2014, 10:20:43 PM
Time to block? :-\
I hope not. I'm psyching myself up to find a way to tell her that she's spooking me by asking to see pics, and I want to send her a list of things you shouldn't say to trans* people. But if that doesn't work, yes it will be time to block. In the meantime, I'm just awkwardly avoiding FB. :(
I'm going to some yardsales with my father and he told me to get my permit....
I have a very strong feeling that this is going to be a bad day filled with him yelling at me and making me feel suicidal.... He had me write down the addresses of 3 main yardsales he wanted to attend, but I put down more just in case. Now I just only want to attend those three....perhaps even less.
Gosh I hate driving....
I don't even want to go now.
Im having the worst dysphoria right now...
Quote from: Emo on April 05, 2014, 10:51:40 AM
Im having the worst dysphoria right now...
This too will pass....(((Hugs)))
Quote from: Shantel on April 05, 2014, 10:58:43 AM
This too will pass....(((Hugs)))
Thanks. I hope it does quickly.
Quote from: Malachite on April 05, 2014, 09:06:01 AM
I'm going to some yardsales with my father and he told me to get my permit....
I have a very strong feeling that this is going to be a bad day filled with him yelling at me and making me feel suicidal.... He had me write down the addresses of 3 main yardsales he wanted to attend, but I put down more just in case. Now I just only want to attend those three....perhaps even less.
Gosh I hate driving....
I don't even want to go now.
I didn't do too bad, but since this is thee unhappy thread, I must say that I didn't turn into a proper "island" while turning once so that could have put my in a bad position if there was heavy traffic or a cop nearby. Thank God it wasn't....for now.
This is a post about what's happened over the past couple of months.
In January I was evicted. My Family and myself were effectively homeless. They went and stayed with my Brother-in-Law while I remained to continue working. I stayed with a wonderful friend and I am truly grateful for that. Then, a couple of weeks ago y Minivan which had been left parked on a public road was broken into and then stolen, then returned to me. My ex landlord had sold it off. The stupid *@@#@#!!#$@ thought he actually had the right to sell it! And, during this last bunch of storms we discovered that the roof of the trailer we moved into leaks just in front of the fridge.
Oh and the 4 wheel drive went out on my Blazer.
How I manage to keep smiling when I have the worst luck is beyond me. -_-
Quote from: Rainbow Brite on April 05, 2014, 10:36:10 PM
This is a post about what's happened over the past couple of months.
In January I was evicted. My Family and myself were effectively homeless. They went and stayed with my Brother-in-Law while I remained to continue working. I stayed with a wonderful friend and I am truly grateful for that. Then, a couple of weeks ago y Minivan which had been left parked on a public road was broken into and then stolen, then returned to me. My ex landlord had sold it off. The stupid *@@#@#!!#$@ thought he actually had the right to sell it! And, during this last bunch of storms we discovered that the roof of the trailer we moved into leaks just in front of the fridge.
Oh and the 4 wheel drive went out on my Blazer.
How I manage to keep smiling when I have the worst luck is beyond me. -_-
(((Hugs))) Hope it changes for you soon!
Rash under one of my breast. :/
My brother's bird is just flipping out. God I hate that thing. I wish I had murderous bones in my body.
Quote from: birkin on April 07, 2014, 06:23:49 PM
My brother's bird is just flipping out. God I hate that thing. I wish I had murderous bones in my body.
You gonna twist it's little head off? :D
Quote from: birkin on April 07, 2014, 06:23:49 PM
My brother's bird is just flipping out. God I hate that thing. I wish I had murderous bones in my body.
Remember, if you go all Ozzy on it and bite it's head off... You have to swallow :D
Quote from: V M on April 07, 2014, 06:32:20 PM
Remember, if you go all Ozzy on it and bite it's head off... You have to swallow :D
Believe me, you have to spit the beak out, it can cause stomach problems, bon appetit!
Quote from: birkin on April 07, 2014, 06:23:49 PM
My brother's bird is just flipping out. God I hate that thing. I wish I had murderous bones in my body.
Give it the bird. >:-)
Saw D today. I don't know if he and everyone were actually shutting me out or if it just seemed that way because of my mood.
I still have no idea how to remove the want for people.
Quote from: Shantel on April 07, 2014, 06:27:06 PM
You gonna twist it's little head off? :D
I wish I could!
Quote from: V M on April 07, 2014, 06:32:20 PM
Remember, if you go all Ozzy on it and bite it's head off... You have to swallow :D
Hahahaha. I'd love to do it in front of my brother.
Quote from: Djynne on April 07, 2014, 07:19:19 PM
Give it the bird. >:-)
I have given it the bird many times lol. I hold up my finger and I'm like "F YOU F YOU F YOU SHUT THE F UP." When no one is around of course.
I've been outted to my work by my gender identity clinic. I can't even be happy about getting an appointment right now. I'm livid. Shaking. I don't know what to do.
Quote from: lxndr on April 08, 2014, 08:31:23 AM
I've been outted to my work by my gender identity clinic. I can't even be happy about getting an appointment right now. I'm livid. Shaking. I don't know what to do.
That's terrible. I'd lodge a complain.
Depending on the circumstances, you may even have grounds for a lawsuit.
Quote from: Djynne on April 08, 2014, 08:36:59 AM
That's terrible. I'd lodge a complain.
Depending on the circumstances, you may even have grounds for a lawsuit.
The situation's complicated, it's a mix of my GP and GICs fault I think. I don't know. When I can think clearer I'll be complaining to someone. A lot.
Quote from: lxndr on April 08, 2014, 08:42:22 AM
The situation's complicated, it's a mix of my GP and GICs fault I think. I don't know. When I can think clearer I'll be complaining to someone. A lot.
Whoah, whoah, whoah. You're in England, right? In which case, this sounds wrong on several counts. IANAL, but I can think of several areas where they've messed up:
Firstly, no medical professional can disclose your private medical information to any third party without your consent, except in cases where it's in the public interest to do so (such as if you have a highly infectious disease) or somebody's life is in danger (such as notifying the police if they think you're likely to harm someone). Other than those strict exceptions, they must keep your information completely confidential, and if you didn't give them your consent to disclose to your employers they are in breach of NHS policy... and may even have committed an offence under the Data Protection Act.
Secondly, under the Gender Recognition Act it's against the law for anyone to disclose your trans* status without your consent. OK, so you probably don't have a GRC yet... but your GIC should be working within the boundaries of the Act as they ought to have a reasonable expectation that their patients may want to apply for a GRC at the appropriate stage.
Thirdly, in disclosing your status to your employer without your consent, the GIC (or whoever did this) may have committed an offence under the Equality Act 2010, on the grounds that their unwanted behaviour violates your dignity.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'd be spitting bullets if they'd done it to me.
Once your head is clear, I recommend establishing exactly who has contacted your employer and exactly what has been said; get copies of any correspondence if appropriate. Ring up the organisation that outed you and get the name and job title of the person in charge, then send them a written complaint along with photocopies of any evidence (keep the originals for yourself if possible). State in your letter that you're giving them 14 days to respond so they'll take it seriously. You could also lodge a complaint with NHS England: here's how (http://www.nhs.uk/choiceintheNHS/Rightsandpledges/complaints/Pages/NHScomplaints.aspx).
If the person who did this is a doctor or other medical health professional, you could also lodge a complaint with their regulatory body.
Good luck.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on April 08, 2014, 10:57:48 AM
Whoah, whoah, whoah. You're in England, right? In which case, this sounds wrong on several counts. IANAL, but I can think of several areas where they've messed up:
Firstly, no medical professional can disclose your private medical information to any third party without your consent, except in cases where it's in the public interest to do so (such as if you have a highly infectious disease) or somebody's life is in danger (such as notifying the police if they think you're likely to harm someone). Other than those strict exceptions, they must keep your information completely confidential, and if you didn't give them your consent to disclose to your employers they are in breach of NHS policy... and may even have committed an offence under the Data Protection Act.
Secondly, under the Gender Recognition Act it's against the law for anyone to disclose your trans* status without your consent. OK, so you probably don't have a GRC yet... but your GIC should be working within the boundaries of the Act as they ought to have a reasonable expectation that their patients may want to apply for a GRC at the appropriate stage.
Thirdly, in disclosing your status to your employer without your consent, the GIC (or whoever did this) may have committed an offence under the Equality Act 2010, on the grounds that their unwanted behaviour violates your dignity.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'd be spitting bullets if they'd done it to me.
Once your head is clear, I recommend establishing exactly who has contacted your employer and exactly what has been said; get copies of any correspondence if appropriate. Ring up the organisation that outed you and get the name and job title of the person in charge, then send them a written complaint along with photocopies of any evidence (keep the originals for yourself if possible). State in your letter that you're giving them 14 days to respond so they'll take it seriously. You could also lodge a complaint with NHS England: here's how (http://www.nhs.uk/choiceintheNHS/Rightsandpledges/complaints/Pages/NHScomplaints.aspx).
If the person who did this is a doctor or other medical health professional, you could also lodge a complaint with their regulatory body.
Good luck.
Its not quite as serious as all that, but people are still going to get a very angry me on to them. To keep it short, all my post goes through my workplace as I live there. Its sorted by admin and then put into pigeon holes. My normal NHS post is addressed "my name, c/o random HR woman", for some bizarre reason. I anticipated that it could cause a problem so spoke to my GP who was clueless as to why it was happening, and then to the receptionist at the surgery and changed the address there too just to make sure. Then I got a letter from the GIC addressed the same way, but I let it slide as it had my name on and got to me unopened. Today I got an internally addressed envelope and opened it to find the envelope from the GIC only addressed to "c/o random HR woman" and a snooty post-it saying they'd had to open it as it wasn't addressed to anyone.
I can see how the GIC could have made an honest mistake about it, but it just can't happen again.
Money is quickly disappearing. Down to $10.92 in the bank and $1.06 in cash. I don't even have enough cash to get to my therapist next week, I need 14 cents more. I'll need $5 to pick up my Spiro sometime next week too, and that'll need $1.20 for the bus to get that. I can chain that with the $5.30 for makeup, at least, as I'm almost out of that too.
I severely regret all the frivolous purchases I've made over my life now.
Quote from: Lauren5 on April 08, 2014, 04:26:58 PM
I severely regret all the frivolous purchases I've made over my life now.
I feel this on a daily basis lol. I'm like "omg if I hadn't spent $700 on a laptop 5 years ago I'd have that money now." Or the worst "...I've literally spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on food over my life."
Quote from: birkin on April 08, 2014, 04:31:01 PM
I feel this on a daily basis lol. I'm like "omg if I hadn't spent $700 on a laptop 5 years ago I'd have that money now." Or the worst "...I've literally spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on food over my life."
I could have had $800 if I had bought a cheaper laptop. Or a few hundred dollars if over the last 4 years I hadn't bought so many drinks to fuel my caffeine addiction.
And now it doesn't look like I can get to my therapist before her next client, I had issues with insurance not wanting to cover this round of patches because it was too early, but my patches have been falling off so I don't really have a choice. It got worked out, but took extra time, so I ended up leaving Me her 20 minutes later than planned, and the bus couldn't be any slower. I've for sure missed my connection, and the only bus that operates more than every 40 minutes is this one, so I'd have to walk the rest of the way. Don't think it's going to be fast enough. This is very quite infuriating. Today has just been a wash.
Quote from: birkin on April 08, 2014, 04:31:01 PM
Quote from: Lauren5 on April 08, 2014, 04:26:58 PM
I severely regret all the frivolous purchases I've made over my life now.
I feel this on a daily basis lol. I'm like "omg if I hadn't spent $700 on a laptop 5 years ago I'd have that money now." Or the worst "...I've literally spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on food over my life."
For me, it's like I spent so much on dope, my arm should be made of gold. And booze too. I'm such an idiot. I'd seriously be well set now if I hadn't been a junkie. I made so much money. All in my arm. And throat for the booze... Ugh. Why? Why am I so stupid? :laugh:
Quote from: FA on April 08, 2014, 05:02:38 PM
I feel this on a daily basis lol. I'm like "omg if I hadn't spent $700 on a laptop 5 years ago I'd have that money now." Or the worst "...I've literally spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on food over my life."
For me, it's like I spent so much on dope, my arm should be made of gold. And booze too. I'm such an idiot. I'd seriously be well set now if I hadn't been a junkie. I made so much money. All in my arm. And throat for the booze... Ugh. Why? Why am I so stupid? :laugh:
LOL. Nice. Well, with how much I spent on junk food and fast food, my belly should be made of gold. It was a self-funded project.
Quote from: birkin on April 08, 2014, 05:11:44 PM
Quote from: FA on April 08, 2014, 05:02:38 PM
I feel this on a daily basis lol. I'm like "omg if I hadn't spent $700 on a laptop 5 years ago I'd have that money now." Or the worst "...I've literally spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on food over my life."
For me, it's like I spent so much on dope, my arm should be made of gold. And booze too. I'm such an idiot. I'd seriously be well set now if I hadn't been a junkie. I made so much money. All in my arm. And throat for the booze... Ugh. Why? Why am I so stupid? :laugh:
LOL. Nice. Well, with how much I spent on junk food and fast food, my belly should be made of gold. It was a self-funded project.
Haha I'd love to see that. My gut is huuuuge now. Mostly booze and pasta. It's hilarious. I actually freaking love it! And my health is good, liver and stuff slightly elevated since I always go to the doctor drunk. She doesn't mind. I had to have a pap smear last time and I was like - 'I'm gonna need another drink for that. Excuse me while I go out to my car.' She's trans friendly and pretty awesome. Didn't blink an eye.
Quote from: FA on April 08, 2014, 05:22:23 PM
I had to have a pap smear last time and I was like - 'I'm gonna need another drink for that. Excuse me while I go out to my car.' She's trans friendly and pretty awesome. Didn't blink an eye.
You haven't lived until you get a finger wave by some pretty little female doc with her finger up your arse! Still I can't resist a little dark humor like, "Was it good for you doc?" :D
Quote from: FA on April 08, 2014, 05:02:38 PM
I feel this on a daily basis lol. I'm like "omg if I hadn't spent $700 on a laptop 5 years ago I'd have that money now." Or the worst "...I've literally spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on food over my life."
For me, it's like I spent so much on dope, my arm should be made of gold. And booze too. I'm such an idiot. I'd seriously be well set now if I hadn't been a junkie. I made so much money. All in my arm. And throat for the booze... Ugh. Why? Why am I so stupid? :laugh:
Jeez, you're not stupid, FA. You are obviously very intelligent, but you are also a perfectly flawed human being who was presented with more than his share of obstacles in life that clearly have yet to be all kicked away. Seriously, if I had all the money back that I spent on drugs and booze since the '80s, well, I don't know how much it was, but trust me, I think could have paid for SRS 10 times over. And I've done countless incredibly stupid and reckless things over the years that could have resulted in death, dain bramage or lengthy incarceration. So we tried to run from our problems instead of facing them. I think we pretty much all do that at some point.
*more hugs*
Quote from: Shantel on April 08, 2014, 05:26:23 PM
Quote from: FA on April 08, 2014, 05:22:23 PM
I had to have a pap smear last time and I was like - 'I'm gonna need another drink for that. Excuse me while I go out to my car.' She's trans friendly and pretty awesome. Didn't blink an eye.
You haven't lived until you get a finger wave by some pretty little female doc with her finger up your arse! Still I can't resist a little dark humor like, "Was it good for you doc?" :D
Well, she is pretty cute... :laugh:
For me it's hamburgers, nachos, and convenience store runs. I've slowly been turning that around though, changing one crappy habit at the time, because my cholesterol was "borderline borderline" high pre-T and now is in the borderline high category. To be honest, though, I'm scared to lose weight because I can't bind and the fat is what keeps my chest disguised.
My doctor doesn't insist on tests like that, but if I had to have one, I'd probably find the strongest drug available and abuse it to all get out.
Quote from: Jill F on April 08, 2014, 05:29:16 PM
Quote from: FA on April 08, 2014, 05:02:38 PM
I feel this on a daily basis lol. I'm like "omg if I hadn't spent $700 on a laptop 5 years ago I'd have that money now." Or the worst "...I've literally spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on food over my life."
For me, it's like I spent so much on dope, my arm should be made of gold. And booze too. I'm such an idiot. I'd seriously be well set now if I hadn't been a junkie. I made so much money. All in my arm. And throat for the booze... Ugh. Why? Why am I so stupid? :laugh:
Jeez, you're not stupid, FA. You are obviously very intelligent, but you are also a perfectly flawed human being who was presented with more than his share of obstacles in life that clearly have yet to be all kicked away. Seriously, if I had all the money back that I spent on drugs and booze since the '80s, well, I don't know how much it was, but trust me, I think could have paid for SRS 10 times over. And I've done countless incredibly stupid and reckless things over the years that could have resulted in death, dain bramage or lengthy incarceration. So we tried to run from our problems instead of facing them. I think we pretty much all do that at some point.
*more hugs*
Aww thanks honey. I don't feel so alone now and you have really made my day with your replies today. I was feeling very alone and suffering when you came along today. Your simple kindness made me cry. Thank you.
So since I made it downtown and realized that I wasn't going to make it to my therapist before her next client, I decided to walk the three miles back to campus (another mile to my building but I'd stop and eat at the car that's at the very west of campus. Genius me, or started to rain. About 2/3 of the way there, by a shopping centre, a homeless man asked me if I could spare a dollar so he could buy a chicken sandwich. My heart was broken. I couldn't spare a dollar for him, and I had to tell him I couldn't. Of course, I doubt he believed me, people always tell the homeless to go get a job or some BS like that. Whenever I'm asked directly, I give what I can. But I can give nothing this time. I feel like a horrid human being.
That blows so hard Lauren. :( I remember one time a guy asked me for money and I legit didn't have anything and he goes "yeah, of course you don't."
Quote from: birkin on April 08, 2014, 05:31:41 PM
For me it's hamburgers, nachos, and convenience store runs. I've slowly been turning that around though, changing one crappy habit at the time, because my cholesterol was "borderline borderline" high pre-T and now is in the borderline high category. To be honest, though, I'm scared to lose weight because I can't bind and the fat is what keeps my chest disguised.
My doctor doesn't insist on tests like that, but if I had to have one, I'd probably find the strongest drug available and abuse it to all get out.
Yeah, oddly for some of us, weight actually masculinizes. I felt that way before top surgery. I don't eat much junk, but I drink - Corona and vodka. And eat pasta - what's the point in being alive if you can't have pasta? :laugh:
Quote from: FA on April 08, 2014, 06:24:42 PM
Yeah, oddly for some of us, weight actually masculinizes. I felt that way before top surgery. I don't eat much junk, but I drink - Corona and vodka. And eat pasta - what's the point in being alive if you can't have pasta? :laugh:
Well with a name after a famous Italian I suppose pasta would be a natural!
Quote from: Shantel on April 08, 2014, 06:32:45 PM
Well with a name after a famous Italian I suppose pasta would be a natural!
This recipe will cheer you all up. It's super easy and super delicious. I learned to make this when I was a kid!
Jill's Quick and Dirty Spaghetti Carbonara (I have another version that's a bit more gourmet and involved.)
2 or 3 eggs- room temperature
Kraft Parmesan cheese (the tall cylindrical shaker with the green label)
1/2 pound uncooked bacon strips (or more... >:-))
3/4 cup sour cream- allowed to warm to room temperature (lite or fat free if you like)
1 pound or package spaghetti
salt
pepper
Boil water, add 1 tablespoon salt. Do not add oil.
Cut bacon into 3/4" strips crosswise and crisp in frying pan, stirring well and separating so they cook uniformly. Pull cooked pieces individually from pan as they begin to turn and place on paper towel. Don't overcook (don't burn any) and save the bacon grease! (very important)
Add spaghetti to boiling water, stir vigorously to separate it for the first minute and cook until done (if it sticks to the wall, it's overdone). This is a matter of personal taste.
While the spaghetti cooks, break eggs (2-3, depending on size and personal taste) into mixing bowl and stir in (this is pre-grated, folks!) parmesan cheese until a thin batter is created. Take the bottom of a fork and scrape the batter up the edges of the bowl. if it falls back down into a pool of goo, add cheese until it all sticks. having a thin layer over the most surface area is best.
Drain spaghetti quickly and fully, as to retain the most heat and remove the most liquid and dump into mixing bowl. Take two forks and quickly integrate the cheese/egg mixture with the pasta. The pasta will cook the egg. Keep stirring vigorously until fully cooked and integrated.
Add bacon bits, 3/4 cup sour cream (more or less) depending on taste and as much of that bacon grease you like. >:-) Salt and pepper to taste. I love lots of pepper.
Stir until fully mixed and serve immediately. I like a Barolo or Barbaresco with this, but a big Pinot Noir will work.
Ciao!
Reading up on some of the above posts....I don't know....I try not to get too bogged down in regretting this and that. Sometimes, it ends up getting to me, but most of the time, I try to shove those thoughts away and think "get lost".
Quote from: Shantel on April 08, 2014, 06:32:45 PM
Well with a name after a famous Italian I suppose pasta would be a natural!
My mind jumped to the great gourmand Nero Wolfe who, incidentally, I adore.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2F5%2F5c%2FChaykin-Wolfe-1.jpg%2F200px-Chaykin-Wolfe-1.jpg&hash=1bde7ea5ca8d51f412346dc281d8581ae6e77ddd)
Gave in & smoked a cigarette. I went all day but just not enough strenght to stop 100%.
I have to stop 100% in order to have facial plastic surgery & to live cleaner & longer.
So far I've not been able to mentally control & stop this old stupid habit.
I'm still annoyed for missing my Endo appt by 30 minutes the other day. Now I have to wait over a month to have another one. :'( I'm officially wasting time on my transition and I hate it.
My son is throwing up. Looks like I'll be missing school tomorrow.
Quote from: FrancisAnn on April 08, 2014, 09:04:19 PM
Gave in & smoked a cigarette. I went all day but just not enough strenght to stop 100%.
I have to stop 100% in order to have facial plastic surgery & to live cleaner & longer.
So far I've not been able to mentally control & stop this old stupid habit.
Have you tried Allen Carr's book on how to quit smoking? I read it last week and I've been off them, without a strong craving, since then, with no sign of giving in. I was a pack - pack and a half a day smoker.
Also, what's annoying me atm is having to hide my pretty painted toes under socks because I'm pretty sure they'd get me thrown out, hehe.
Quote from: Nattie on April 08, 2014, 11:37:04 PM
Also, what's annoying me atm is having to hide my pretty painted toes under socks because I'm pretty sure they'd get me thrown out, hehe.
Nice painted toe nails are just great. I know the feeling. Smoking. Not sure what to do next. I told myself I could just go cold turkey & did a whole day but I felt so strange & gave in to one, then another. You know the feeling. They do not taste good. Just an old habit. one pack a day of ultra light things but still smoke. I need & want a face lift, neck lift etc....but no way if I smoke. So I have to choose, smoke & look ugly or stop & have a much nicer feminine face, move forward or go back I guess???? I may try the electronic cigarete thing. Good luck GF.
Quote from: FrancisAnn on April 09, 2014, 05:22:46 AM
I may try the electronic cigarete thing.
E-cigs really work for me and a lot of other people I know have used them. I was on 20 a day just out of boredom n something to do sometimes. Now I still have the odd real cig but can do without them with the ecig. Its weird when you come off the real cigs how much u can smell smoke on someone and that the smell of a real one really knocks u out. They dont work for everyone but you should give them a try :)
Quote from: radsi on April 09, 2014, 05:40:43 AM
E-cigs really work for me and a lot of other people I know have used them. I was on 20 a day just out of boredom n something to do sometimes. Now I still have the odd real cig but can do without them with the ecig. Its weird when you come off the real cigs how much u can smell smoke on someone and that the smell of a real one really knocks u out. They dont work for everyone but you should give them a try :)
I am, what brand do you suggest??? There are so many types.
When I logged in today, this was the only topic that I could see... I can hardly write, because I cannot even see, because of the tears in my eyes...
My best girl friend passed away in monday... She was fighting a brain tumor for 3 years...
Cannot say anything more right now... I feel devastated...
:icon_cry: :icon_cry: :icon_cry:
My "e" button is really getting worse. :(
Quote from: FrancisAnn on April 09, 2014, 06:04:15 AM
I am, what brand do you suggest??? There are so many types.
Hey i am kinda guessing ure in the US but i dont know. I am in the UK n we have like the eGO ones which have like a battery u charge via usb on ure computer and then the cartridge thing that you put the eliquid in. Ive found these vaping kinda ones are better than the cigarette shaped ones. I kinda like the flavoured liquids like apple and banana and stuff but u can get like tobacco flavour ones too and you can get them in different nicotine strengths like high, med, low or none at all. They sell them online here but also in like corner shops and garages. To get all the starter stuff should cost no more than like £20 max in store prices (thats about $30 US dollars).
Quote from: Aquarelle on April 09, 2014, 06:33:38 AM
:icon_cry: :icon_cry: :icon_cry:
I'm sorry i hope u are ok xxx
Quote from: Malachite on April 09, 2014, 06:55:55 AM
My "e" button is really getting worse. :(
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
have some of mine ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Quote from: radsi on April 09, 2014, 07:13:51 AM
Hey i am kinda guessing ure in the US but i dont know. I am in the UK n we have like the eGO ones which have like a battery u charge via usb on ure computer and then the cartridge thing that you put the eliquid in. Ive found these vaping kinda ones are better than the cigarette shaped ones. I kinda like the flavoured liquids like apple and banana and stuff but u can get like tobacco flavour ones too and you can get them in different nicotine strengths like high, med, low or none at all. They sell them online here but also in like corner shops and garages. To get all the starter stuff should cost no more than like £20 max in store prices (thats about $30 US dollars).
Thanks, yes in US, going to Walmart today to try some type. They seem to work OK. I can stop any stupid smoke in my lungs.
I have absolutely no drive. I do have some aspirations but no motivation to fulfil them (though not all of these are currently attainable). I have no idea when it comes to my career. Those facts made me feel a little down today.
Quote from: Aquarelle on April 09, 2014, 06:33:38 AM
When I logged in today, this was the only topic that I could see... I can hardly write, because I cannot even see, because of the tears in my eyes...
My best girl friend passed away in monday... She was fighting a brain tumor for 3 years...
Cannot say anything more right now... I feel devastated...
:icon_cry: :icon_cry: :icon_cry:
I'm sorry honey (((Hugs)))
The boy is feeling very poorly. He can't keep anything down. I'm making sure he drinks water (now with a little bit of gatorade) to stay hydrated, but he throws that up too.
The last day of classes is tuesday. Except for exams and chance encounters, that's most likely the last I'll see of my school "friends" until next September.
Quote from: Aquarelle on April 09, 2014, 06:33:38 AM
When I logged in today, this was the only topic that I could see... I can hardly write, because I cannot even see, because of the tears in my eyes...
My best girl friend passed away in monday... She was fighting a brain tumor for 3 years...
Cannot say anything more right now... I feel devastated...
:icon_cry: :icon_cry: :icon_cry:
I'm so sorry for your loss. A cancer buddy of mine I recently lost once told me "Life is spark, burn brightly".
Something tells me that she did. Remember her and she will live on in your heart. Sending you extra big hugs!!
Gloria :icon_sad:
I missed the bidding on another N700 lapdesk. There's another one that came up for sale, but the bidding doesn't end for another 5 days......then there's the shipping.....but I am intent on getting it. It's like my laptop and lapdesk are one and they need each other to make Malachite happy. I'm sick and tired of having to jiggle this one around to have the sound come out.
I'm also upset because appaerntly the Youtube app now has a volume control slider that only goes down with each video you view. This seems to be a recent problem.
Quote from: Aquarelle on April 09, 2014, 06:33:38 AM
When I logged in today, this was the only topic that I could see... I can hardly write, because I cannot even see, because of the tears in my eyes...
My best girl friend passed away in monday... She was fighting a brain tumor for 3 years...
Cannot say anything more right now... I feel devastated...
:icon_cry: :icon_cry: :icon_cry:
Thats always hard to take something like that in Aquarelle.
Take some time to mourn her death. Besides mourning also take time to look back at all the good things that happend.
Also remember that she wants you to continue living. She would feel sad if you didn't do that.
I wish you the best of luck
*hugs thightly*
Quote from: Aquarelle on April 09, 2014, 06:33:38 AM
When I logged in today, this was the only topic that I could see... I can hardly write, because I cannot even see, because of the tears in my eyes...
My best girl friend passed away in monday... She was fighting a brain tumor for 3 years...
Cannot say anything more right now... I feel devastated...
:icon_cry: :icon_cry: :icon_cry:
I'm so sorry Aquarelle.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
Quote from: Aquarelle on April 09, 2014, 06:33:38 AM
When I logged in today, this was the only topic that I could see... I can hardly write, because I cannot even see, because of the tears in my eyes...
My best girl friend passed away in monday... She was fighting a brain tumor for 3 years...
Cannot say anything more right now... I feel devastated...
:icon_cry: :icon_cry: :icon_cry:
So sorry for your loss sweetie. PM if you need someone to talk to, anytime. :icon_hug:
Quote from: FrancisAnn on April 09, 2014, 07:18:00 AM
Thanks, yes in US, going to Walmart today to try some type. They seem to work OK. I can stop any stupid smoke in my lungs.
Glad you seem to be getting on ok with them?! You may have a nasty cough in/for a few days as ure lungs get rid of all the gunk from smoking normal cigs but it does ease and u feel a lot better for it ...
:)
Quote from: radsi on April 09, 2014, 07:51:47 PM
Glad you seem to be getting on ok with them?! You may have a nasty cough in/for a few days as ure lungs get rid of all the gunk from smoking normal cigs but it does ease and u feel a lot better for it ...
:)
Your lungs can pink back up in six months if they aren't totally cooked. You'll cough up a lot of gubbers getting rid of the crap.
Quote from: Shantel on April 09, 2014, 08:20:00 PM
Your lungs can pink back up in six months if they aren't totally cooked. You'll cough up a lot of gubbers getting rid of the crap.
I did not smoke much, ultra light things, no cough or junk. But one is too many I know. Thanks for advise, everyone is pushing me to stop & that's OK.
Quote from: FrancisAnn on April 09, 2014, 08:40:21 PM
I did not smoke much, ultra light things, no cough or junk. But one is too many I know. Thanks for advise, everyone is pushing me to stop & that's OK.
You're a winner hon, we're just being supportive, we're all rooting for you! BTW i said that to a bunch of Aussies and they thought it was a riot :D but we know what we're talking about here huh? Good luck girlfriend you can do it!
I've gotten so used to everyone calling me Roxi that today when I had to put my legal name on a form and show my license (old picture, male name...) I about broke into tears. The lady at the desk could tell that I was having a hard time with it, and she was very comforting...
...but I just want "HIM" to be gone forever. :(
Quote from: TaoRaven on April 09, 2014, 11:09:23 PM
I've gotten so used to everyone calling me Roxi that today when I had to put my legal name on a form and show my license (old picture, male name...) I about broke into tears. The lady at the desk could tell that I was having a hard time with it, and she was very comforting...
...but I just want "HIM" to be gone forever. :(
I know how that feels. Had a couple of times that I used my new name instead of my legal name. Crossing it out after I noticed it. It hurts so much to remember that you are still being regarded as the person you never really was.
Don't worry, Roxi. The day will come when your old name never comes up again.
I appear to have gotten sick as well. Luckily, it's not as bad as my son's, but I feel poorly and need to do a lab today.
Thank you all for the support. I need it now. tomorrow is the funeral and I need to be strong...
I try to look at the things in a more eastern philosophic way... I am not religious and I believe we are much more than just bodies. I know my friend is not ended - she is just changing her form of being and I am sure we will meet again, when my time comes (I am in no hurry, of course).
She was so bright, positive, always smiling person, full of energy and constantly motivating and helping everyone, often forgetting about herself... She always talked about her illness like it's only some cold she got... I wish I had her strength and energy...
I am sad today, for my sisters here who are having a difficult day.
I am sad today, knowing I have hurt my wife and family terribly with myself.
I am sad today, as I am going home today, and have to face them.
I am sad today, because I will have to move out, and be on my own again, after 30+ years with my family.
And not even being dressed, while I type this, can change that sadness.
Quote from: Aquarelle on April 10, 2014, 08:46:49 AM
Thank you all for the support. I need it now. tomorrow is the funeral and I need to be strong...
I try to look at the things in a more eastern philosophic way... I am not religious and I believe we are much more than just bodies. I know my friend is not ended - she is just changing her form of being and I am sure we will meet again, when my time comes (I am in no hurry, of course).
She was so bright, positive, always smiling person, full of energy and constantly motivating and helping everyone, often forgetting about herself... She always talked about her illness like it's only some cold she got... I wish I had her strength and energy...
With such positive memories you will always have her with you hon!
Quote from: FTMDiaries on April 05, 2014, 05:35:44 AM
I hope not. I'm psyching myself up to find a way to tell her that she's spooking me by asking to see pics, and I want to send her a list of things you shouldn't say to trans* people. But if that doesn't work, yes it will be time to block. In the meantime, I'm just awkwardly avoiding FB. :(
Cant you just turn off Chat(disable it)? I have, and now no longer get pestered when I sign in.
Getting yelled at by an angry mob. :-\
Being asked out by a really good looking guy.
Quote from: Aquarelle on April 10, 2014, 08:46:49 AM
Thank you all for the support. I need it now. tomorrow is the funeral and I need to be strong...
Best of luck with the funeral.
Earache :P
Quote from: big head horsey-faced cookie monster on April 10, 2014, 03:51:26 PM
Being asked out by a really good looking guy.
Really? ??? If nothing else it was a helluva great complement big head horsey-faced cookie monster! I'd like to spank you girl, I was happy until I read that! :icon_poke:
Father-in-law and his new wife we've never even met are coming over tonight and they want liquor to drink that we don't have. Seriously, I have a fully stocked bar and now I have to go buy 2 different bottles of crappy whiskey that will probably sit in there forever.
Freaky dreams, one of which was too real, could happen, and I don't ever want to give it the thought of it actually happening.
My left breast has a scar that won't go away :'(
Quote from: birkin on April 10, 2014, 06:28:53 PM
What happened? :|
I've been doing a series of public information sessions about our new report card. The audience from the other night came in with an axe to grind and a lot of anger to vent.
By the end of the night, I managed to talk them down and make headway, but not before taking a fair amount of verbal abuse. :-\
Quote from: Gwendolyn Mia Jennell (Gwynne) on April 11, 2014, 05:55:39 PM
I've been doing a series of public information sessions about our new report card. The audience from the other night came in with an axe to grind and a lot of anger to vent.
By the end of the night, I managed to talk them down and make headway, but not before taking a fair amount of verbal abuse. :-\
That sounds terrifying.
I asked my plastic surgeon for suggestions to find a new physician to help with HRT, etc.... No responce at all. It seems they just want rich women to work on not mtF women.
I accidentally posted something here that I wanted to post in a different thread. Oops.
Justified paranoia has made me unhappy today.
Feeling very alone at the moment which is not much fun. :'(
You are not alone Jenny, there are many here who care about you
Quote from: Jenny07 on April 12, 2014, 03:49:02 AM
Feeling very alone at the moment which is not much fun. :'(
I'm here Sis, you have my phone number
I'm bored off my fat arse at the moment and have no drive whatsoever. I dug out the keyboard, only to put it away again a few minutes later.
I've managed to break a padlock,teapot and hair clip all before 13 00!
Having to stop in the middle of my run today due stomach-ache...
My dad ran over a squirel didn't even care. He even went on to say that if he had a rifle then he would shoot it and eat it. In retaliation I told him that would be the squirel that had rabies with his luck. He agreed.
Also, my "e" button has gotten to the point where I have to copy and paste a bunch of e's from Word. It is getting painful to press e now. I'm not quite sure what to do about that. I'm going to ask my brother-in-law- if he can pop the e key out to see if it needs to be cleaned. If not, then I guess I have to take my laptop to get it fixed. More money and time down the drain -sigh-.
Quote from: Malachite on April 12, 2014, 12:03:24 PM
My dad ran over a squirel didn't even care. He even went on to say that if he had a rifle then he would shoot it and eat it. In retaliation I told him that would be the squirel that had rabies with his luck. He agreed.
Also, my "e" button has gotten to the point where I have to copy and paste a bunch of e's from Word. It is getting painful to press e now. I'm not quite sure what to do about that. I'm going to ask my brother-in-law- if he can pop the e key out to see if it needs to be cleaned. If not, then I guess I have to take my laptop to get it fixed. More money and time down the drain -sigh-.
Malachite, can you fill in the gaps?
I at_ _n_rgybars. _v_ryon_ did lik_ th_m.
Quote from: 930310 on April 12, 2014, 12:06:31 PM
Malachite, can you fill in the gaps?
I at_ _n_rgybars. _v_ryon_ did lik_ th_m.
Somewhat-those must have been good energy bars.
I dunno... I'm just teasing you. ;D
Another one:
People that really annoy you.
N_gg_rs.
Ooooooo I thought there was some lesson you were trying to make out of that, lol.
I keep trying to watch a tv show, but at the only place it seems I can watch it, it keeps lagging and not playing again. I could refresh the page, but then it starts from the beginning again. It's very frustrating.
I'm so tired and frustrated right now from having so much to do. School is killing me!!
Dad trouble again.He's got in a beef with the phone company and has been squaring up to their debt collector.Anyone want to adopt an 85 year old tearaway?
i injured one of my feet while walking my dog. Can't walk right now, i'm using a crutch. And i just had to take it like a man and finish our route. Great. The pain has largely gone away, but it comes back full force when i move it the wrong way.
No matter how many forums I'm a part of or where I post to try and talk with anyone, its always like I don't exist. There is never a reply back relating to me.
Quote from: KnifeEar on April 13, 2014, 08:10:07 PM
No matter how many forums I'm a part of or where I post to try and talk with anyone, its always like I don't exist. There is never a reply back relating to me.
There is a social etiquette to forum participation. The golden rules are patience and reciprocity. If you want to be noticed and acknowledged, be proactive in addressing others' concerns, provide others with feedback, and be patient. It should pay off in due course.
Quote from: Gwendolyn Mia Jennell (Gwynne) on April 13, 2014, 08:35:25 PM
There is a social etiquette to forum participation. The golden rules are patience and reciprocity. If you want to be noticed and acknowledged, be proactive in addressing others' concerns, provide others with feedback, and be patient. It should pay off in due course.
lol I love your technical response to that. Brilliant. But I think it's true...I had to be on the forum for a long time before anyone started replying to me. It was the same on the last forum I was on.
I want to find a program that slows a song down and LOWERS the pitch and I can't.
>:(
Quote from: birkin on April 13, 2014, 08:39:07 PM
lol I love your technical response to that. Brilliant. But I think it's true...I had to be on the forum for a long time before anyone started replying to me. It was the same on the last forum I was on.
Thanks Caleb :)
I'll also add that posting in the Fun & Games (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,152.0.html) and "What Made You...?" (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,77.0.html) sections are invaluable for laying the groundwork for more serious discussions. They raise your visibility on the site in a non-threatening way, letting people develop a concept of you as an individual. It's the site's version of phatic communication (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phatic_communication).
Also, OP, don't underestimate the value of a good avatar. Posting an avatar will help people ascribe you your posts and start to invest in you. A picture really is worth a thousand words.
Quote from: birkin on April 13, 2014, 08:39:07 PM
I had to be on the forum for a long time before anyone started replying to me.
Now we don't leave you alone, do we? ;D
Even then. No all posts get responded to. In the "What are you thinking," "What made you happy," "what made you unhappy," etc threads, a lot of posts go unresponded to.
Oh I know not all posts get responded to. I wasn't even expecting mine to. It was really a reference to this forum exactly. I'm practically brand new and don't even have enough posts to put an avatar yet. I know I won't be talked to yet and I understand. I mean old forums I have been for a number of years and I'm one of the last remaining adults to it.Which doesn't even count because I don't even consider myself adult.
Quote from: Edge on April 13, 2014, 10:16:34 PM
Even then. No all posts get responded to. In the "What are you thinking," "What made you happy," "what made you unhappy," etc threads, a lot of posts go unresponded to.
Whether or not they go unacknowledged, I suspect that none go unread. I almost always read yours, Victor. :)
Quote from: Laura Squirrel on April 13, 2014, 09:36:12 PM
I want to find a program that slows a song down and LOWERS the pitch and I can't.
>:(
Audacity
Quote from: Caysee Danielle on April 13, 2014, 11:16:54 PM
Audacity
I was afraid that you would say that. I developed a hatred for Audacity when I screwed around with it last year when I worked on a track for a compilation. It...just.....ugh.....
Quote from: Malachite on April 12, 2014, 12:03:24 PM
My dad ran over a squirel didn't even care. He even went on to say that if he had a rifle then he would shoot it and eat it. In retaliation I told him that would be the squirel that had rabies with his luck. He agreed.
Also, my "e" button has gotten to the point where I have to copy and paste a bunch of e's from Word. It is getting painful to press e now. I'm not quite sure what to do about that. I'm going to ask my brother-in-law- if he can pop the e key out to see if it needs to be cleaned. If not, then I guess I have to take my laptop to get it fixed. More money and time down the drain -sigh-.
I went about a year with my R key not working. I had it copied and just constantly pasted it in. It was a pain when I needed to past something else in. Then I'd have to go copy a new r.
//
Sigh. I think what I was going to post is too dark for here even. blah. And I was in a good mood.
Quote from: christopher on April 13, 2014, 11:50:21 PM
I went about a year with my R key not working. I had it copied and just constantly pasted it in. It was a pain when I needed to past something else in. Then I'd have to go copy a new r.
If that ever happens again, a better solution is to remap your r key to a different key on the keyboard. The tilde (~) is a good choice as it's rarely used.
Quote from: Laura Squirrel on April 13, 2014, 11:23:48 PM
I was afraid that you would say that. I developed a hatred for Audacity when I screwed around with it last year when I worked on a track for a compilation. It...just.....ugh.....
So....use it to change the speed, then export and use something else for whatever else you're doing. I dunno.
Finding out my work schedule which tells me I'm going to lose my beauty sleep. >:( (That's on top of the fact that I've already lost sleep these last few days including today and am going to lose sleep tonight too!)
Quote from: Laura Squirrel on April 13, 2014, 11:23:48 PM
I was afraid that you would say that. I developed a hatred for Audacity when I screwed around with it last year when I worked on a track for a compilation. It...just.....ugh.....
I did not (still don't) like Audacity either.. I was hooked on Goldwave, its a bit older program is written more for Win95/98, but works well with WIn7.. haven't tried it with 8... anyway, Goldwave is shareware, and the version you want is 5.12, don't get anything newer as it went to paid version and works like crap now. You should be able to find it online easily.. ver 5.12.. I've got it in a small (1.8mb) .exe or.. like a 300k zip file if you cant find it..
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 13, 2014, 10:08:16 PM
Now we don't leave you alone, do we? ;D
I know, be careful what you wish for, right? ;) :-*
Quote from: Edge on April 13, 2014, 10:16:34 PM
Even then. No all posts get responded to. In the "What are you thinking," "What made you happy," "what made you unhappy," etc threads, a lot of posts go unresponded to.
That's true. They're such busy threads that sometimes, I unintentionally miss what people say.
Quote from: Gwendolyn Mia Jennell (Gwynne) on April 13, 2014, 10:44:45 PM
Whether or not they go unacknowledged, I suspect that none go unread. I almost always read yours, Victor. :)
This is true as well...I read a lot but don't comment as much as I read. Sometimes I don't know what to say, especially if a person is going through a hard time. I don't want to make assumptions about their situation or come off as fake caring.
QuoteAlso, my "e" button has gotten to the point where I have to copy and paste a bunch of e's from Word. It is getting painful to press e now. I'm not quite sure what to do about that. I'm going to ask my brother-in-law- if he can pop the e key out to see if it needs to be cleaned. If not, then I guess I have to take my laptop to get it fixed. More money and time down the drain -sigh-.
What exactly is going on with the key, Malachite? Is it sticky, or...?
I cant sleep and in a couple of hours i have to get up and take my left boob which has been hurting for a few months to the hospital n have it poked, prodded and zapped. Not something im gunna enjoy :(
Oh and i am quite happy working in a hospital but hate having to go to one as a patient.
When you have really gone above and beyond for a friend, and they're mad at you. WTF? It's like, whatever. I've been the best friend I could be. And I really don't have the energy anymore. Hate me, whatever. You've got a lot more energy than me.
What if you prepared a talk and one person showed up?
Won't get to see the blood moon since it's raining outside.
It might be raining in Myrtle Beach so it's not going to be sunny there
I am suddenly coughing so I know my mother has just sprayed some toxic bug spray. That stuff will kill me before it kills the bugs.
My mouse is offciially out of order so I have to use the laptop pad to click for the time being.
Triggering stuff - My disphoria, anxiety and depression has been at an all time high for awhile and I'm starting to have chest pains again
Oh well, if I fall over dead I won't have to put up with anyone's B.S. anymore and it will save me the trouble of committing suicide
Love you all
Take care
Hugs
So far, let me make a list
There is a broken pipe I need to fix near the pump and i wanted to check it this morning. I wasn't out there for five damn minutes before that bull was right back up here. I had to run back into the house because of him. Bless Ally's soul, but she has things she needs to do today, so she would help if she could. I'm waiting for my SO to get his ass up to turn his phone on and get his ass over here to lead the mofo back to the back.
Basically my current (quite unhappy) situation is I'm, once again, stuck inside because of a raging idiotic bull. This time without water since the pump is off..
Quote from: V M on April 15, 2014, 05:51:40 AM
Triggering stuff - My disphoria, anxiety and depression has been at an all time high for awhile and I'm starting to have chest pains again
Oh well, if I fall over dead I won't have to put up with anyone's B.S. anymore and it will save me the trouble of committing suicide
Love you all
Take care
Hugs
Better dial 911 and get the EMT's over for a short visit hon, you can't just check out on us that easily, there are some folks here who think you're a pretty nice gal!
Quote from: V M on April 15, 2014, 05:51:40 AM
Triggering stuff - My disphoria, anxiety and depression has been at an all time high for awhile and I'm starting to have chest pains again
Oh well, if I fall over dead I won't have to put up with anyone's B.S. anymore and it will save me the trouble of committing suicide
Love you all
Take care
Hugs
I'm here honey. Message me, talk to me. I'm here for you.
Quote from: ReaverMarcus on April 15, 2014, 08:22:27 AM
So far, let me make a list
There is a broken pipe I need to fix near the pump and i wanted to check it this morning. I wasn't out there for five damn minutes before that bull was right back up here. I had to run back into the house because of him. Bless Ally's soul, but she has things she needs to do today, so she would help if she could. I'm waiting for my SO to get his ass up to turn his phone on and get his ass over here to lead the mofo back to the back.
Basically my current (quite unhappy) situation is I'm, once again, stuck inside because of a raging idiotic bull. This time without water since the pump is off..
Is this an actual bull? as in
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1L-8xLI_5c
omigod...I would really freak if I had to deal with something like that.
No reply yet from the application for a summer job, worrying because I only have about two weeks more of school, have to know before then too. Also looking into leasing a friend's apartment for the summer, need to know if I've got a job before I do. Otherwise, it's up to the UP with me to work retail for yet another summer (but this time for another 2 months longer. Ugh) and brave coming out to the entire family, which could be very, very difficult.
The career test I took for career counselling came out pretty much inconclusive, as the top results were either uninteresting, didn't have any job prospect at all, or made me feel too confined to one location, when the only reason I want a job is to travel. I'd hate to be confined to an office, lab, or anything like that. I need to spend no more than a month in any one place in my ideal career. Dunno what I can do with that though.
The left analogue stick on my controller broke off, I've had it for some years now, but it was super inopportune for it to break now, when I don't have enough to replace it. Oh well, no more games for me for a while I guess, as many games I play are pretty unplayable with mouse and keyboard, or are just uncomfortable to do so.
Looking in the mirror. Seeing all of my body's flaws. Seeing my ugly and manly face. Everything that I hate. Seeing how fat I am despite all my attempts to lose weight and restrict myself from a healthy diet. How my upper arms still have a way to go. How my shoulders make me look like a line backer. Looking at how tall I am. I hate this and I don't think I'll ever be okay with it.
Sorry, but I had to write this somewhere and it's better off in a smaller thread where most won't see it.
Quote from: Liam Erik on April 15, 2014, 12:06:18 PM
Yikes... My former neighbor could never keep his bulls in because he never fed them or paid attention to the fences. Surprise bulls wandering your property, not ideal :-X
We feed him but he isn't too bright and he followed the goats. I got him back in though.
Quote from: FA on April 15, 2014, 10:29:19 AM
Is this an actual bull? as in
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1L-8xLI_5c
omigod...I would really freak if I had to deal with something like that.
Well his horns aren't sharp and he's still a young bull, but he's strong and about 400lbs worth of muscle. He attacked me a couple nights ago, but he's forgotten about that. I'm still bruised (and where they are when I check them I feel the whole dysphoria surfacing for a while). Otherwise, to answer your question, yes it is an actual bull. He's got horns and his balls still. No bull balls soup here.
Being totally bored and not being able to find a thing that rid me of the boredom.
I'm very likely about to be fired.
Quote from: RobinGee on April 16, 2014, 04:40:47 PM
I'm very likely about to be fired.
Best wishes, hope you prevail!
I just got an email from a dear friend inviting me to see my former band play on Friday. I had gone to see them once before and two of them refused to acknowledge my existence. The singer was super cool about it, but the one guitar player and bass player were complete a*holes. It was a pretty crappy experience. Plus the guy who replaced me wasn't very slick...
Umm, wow, thanks for reminding me what jerks they were and that I still don't have people to jam with.
QuoteI still don't have people to jam with.
Don't want to frighten you, but I'm up for a jam
Quote from: V M on April 16, 2014, 08:11:02 PM
Don't want to frighten you, but I'm up for a jam
Where are you? I could be fully jamworthy again if I cut my nails back and got a couple of weeks to find my jam legs. I used to be quite the improviser. Don't be surprised if I end up pulling like an entire album out of my butt in one sitting.
Quote from: Jill F on April 16, 2014, 08:17:33 PM
Where are you? I could be fully jamworthy again if I cut my nails back and got a couple of weeks to find my jam legs. I used to be quite the improviser. Don't be surprised if I end up pulling like an entire album out of my butt in one sitting.
There you go. It wasn't a dream--it was a premonition!
Quote from: Jill F on April 16, 2014, 08:17:33 PM
Where are you? I could be fully jamworthy again if I cut my nails back and got a couple of weeks to find my jam legs. I used to be quite the improviser. Don't be surprised if I end up pulling like an entire album out of my butt in one sitting.
I'll have have to shake off a bit rust and trim the nails myself, but it doesn't really matter where either of us are because we have the internet and all that's required are web cams, maybe headphones and the will to enjoy some music and each other's company
Perhaps we should take this to PMs to discuss setting things up further
Quote from: V M on April 16, 2014, 08:38:45 PM
I'll have have to shake off a bit rust and trim the nails myself, but it doesn't really matter where either of us are because we have the internet and all that's required are web cams, maybe headphones and the will to enjoy some music and each other's company
Perhaps we should take this to PMs to discuss setting things up further
I tried a jam like that once, but the varying latency factor of 200-700ms made it impossible to enjoy. Unfortunately the only way I know to "jam" like that is by sharing Pro Tools tracks. I should have Pro Tools up and running after I convert my office into an office with a studio.
No worries, sometimes these things take time
My w key is busted too. I'm going to have to take this computer to a shop. Ugh, I just spend over $200 on some speakers and a mouse. When it rains, it pours.
Quote from: Malachite on April 17, 2014, 05:41:51 AM
My w key is busted too. I'm going to have to take this computer to a shop. Ugh, I just spend over $200 on some speakers and a mouse. When it rains, it pours.
Why not just get a new keyboard?
Freezing cold and wet on my day off again.
I lost a friend from another forum to asthma complications this morning. I played that cop find-it game on FB for a while with her. May her soul be free now, like the Wind thru the birch, lifting the birds, letting them fly.
Goodbye Dakota Lynn, tho I had only known you a short time, I shall miss you.
I forgot my toothpaste and brush at the new place, and since we are in the middle of national festivities, everythin's closed until saturday, when stores will open only for a few hours. So I can't buy anything, I don't have mints, chewing gum or whatever, and my mouth feels disgusting after a salad with A LOT of onion. urgh... I frikkin need toothpaste. So in order for my dad to come here tomorrow and bring it in the morning, I had to schedule another packaging round. So not only my mouth stinks, but everything's a mess. Even my hands still reek of onion.
I'm having a really bad day. Everything seems to trigger me today and I can't stop weeping. I feel sick to my stomach. What the hell is my problem? Oh, that's right, I still have this stupid penis and I really hate it today. I still have to pad the hell out of my bra and I feel totally fake, like all I am is just an elaborate illusion or delusion or whatever. Everything around me reminds me of what I was. I see my birth name still on my checkbook and pictures from my wedding 20 years ago. Yay, I don't look like that anymore. I look more like my sister now, and that's great, but I'm not all the way there yet and I wish this whole transition mess was over. I still have a long way to go, and realizing that depresses me after all the hard work I've already put into transitioning. I hate doctors and wish I never had to see one ever again, but I know surgeries are in my future and I'm not looking forward to further hospitalization. I still have nightmares and flashbacks from the week I spent in the hospital a couple of years ago. Some days I feel pretty tough, but today I feel weak and cowardly.
I feel like in a way I have already died and am still waiting to be truly reborn and now I'm stuck in some kind of limbo, or no man's land, so to speak. I want to live, to thrive, to celebrate every waking moment that should feel like a gift to me now. Sometimes I feel like that, but today I don't. I know I'm rambling, but I'm hurting today and I think just need to curl up with a teddy bear and cry some more. Being genuine is something I need to be, and I feel like a big fat phony. I wish I wasn't here alone right now. I feel like I'm losing my grip again when I thought I had a stranglehold on this. AAAARRGGHH!!! I'm a freaking total hypocrite. Anyway, whatever I ever said around here can just be taken with a fat grain of salt. I'm the proverbial man behind the curtain, folks. There's nothing to see.
Quote from: Jill F on April 17, 2014, 04:37:50 PM
I'm having a really bad day. Everything seems to trigger me today and I can't stop weeping. I feel sick to my stomach. What the hell is my problem? Oh, that's right, I still have this stupid penis and I really hate it today. I still have to pad the hell out of my bra and I feel totally fake, like all I am is just an elaborate illusion or delusion or whatever. Everything around me reminds me of what I was. I see my birth name still on my checkbook and pictures from my wedding 20 years ago. Yay, I don't look like that anymore. I look more like my sister now, and that's great, but I'm not all the way there yet and I wish this whole transition mess was over. I still have a long way to go, and realizing that depresses me after all the hard work I've already put into transitioning. I hate doctors and wish I never had to see one ever again, but I know surgeries are in my future and I'm not looking forward to further hospitalization. I still have nightmares and flashbacks from the week I spent in the hospital a couple of years ago. Some days I feel pretty tough, but today I feel weak and cowardly.
I feel like in a way I have already died and am still waiting to be truly reborn and now I'm stuck in some kind of limbo, or no man's land, so to speak. I want to live, to thrive, to celebrate every waking moment that should feel like a gift to me now. Sometimes I feel like that, but today I don't. I know I'm rambling, but I'm hurting today and I think just need to curl up with a teddy bear and cry some more. Being genuine is something I need to be, and I feel like a big fat phony. I wish I wasn't here alone right now. I feel like I'm losing my grip again when I thought I had a stranglehold on this. AAAARRGGHH!!! I'm a freaking total hypocrite. Anyway, whatever I ever said around here can just be taken with a fat grain of salt. I'm the proverbial man behind the curtain, folks. There's nothing to see.
Hey Jill baby doll, you're going to be ok it's going to pass, I think you're doing fine sweetie. Every new avatar photo you post shows marked improvement, you're even looking pretty which is more than a lot of us can say, cheer up honey...(((Hugs))) ~Shan~
We burned some rotten hay today but it got a bit out of hand. My chest was already a bit messed up from doing the bleep test in a binder in a cold damp building on Tuesday, now I can't stop coughing from the amount of smoke I was in for over an hour. My dad's not going to be happy that we melted the hosepipe either.
Quote from: Shantel on April 17, 2014, 05:08:41 PM
Hey Jill baby doll, you're going to be ok it's going to pass, I think you're doing fine sweetie. Every new avatar photo you post shows marked improvement, you're even looking pretty which is more than a lot of us can say, cheer up honey...(((Hugs))) ~Shan~
Thanks Shan, I may look OK in the avatar, but I feel craptastic. Is transition fatigue a thing? I feel exhausted from it today and can see the mountains ahead that I still need to climb. It's daunting. I'm here all alone again today with nobody to talk to but all of you and I just want to scream. I hate being trans today. I know it's better than being dead, but I don't feel alive today either. My usual upbeat self is nowhere to be found.
Quote from: Jill F on April 17, 2014, 05:35:10 PM
Thanks Shan, I may look OK in the avatar, but I feel craptastic. Is transition fatigue a thing? I feel exhausted from it today and can see the mountains ahead that I still need to climb. It's daunting. I'm here all alone again today with nobody to talk to but all of you and I just want to scream. I hate being trans today. I know it's better than being dead, but I don't feel alive today either. My usual upbeat self is nowhere to be found.
A lot of us never make all the way up that mountain, it's a struggle and sometimes we have to fall back and take a breather and do something else for awhile to change that tape that runs in our heads like groundhog day. Some have it easy and for others it's daunting, we don't have to focus on it 24/7. I recall several years ago when I had been on HRT for quite awhile, transition was so all consuming. Being on hormones was like a snowball rolling down a long steep hill, it got bigger and bigger and turned into an avalanche mentally. I finally realized that my brain was turning feminine faster than my body, my thinking had gone totally over to the female side. Eventually though it came back to center and I can think with both sides of my brain, it took getting busy on different projects and hobbies so that I didn't spend every waking moment focused on feminine things. Finally my body caught up and I found a place where I am reasonably content. Think about it, you'll be ok hon!
Quote from: Shantel on April 17, 2014, 06:43:04 PM
A lot of us never make all the way up that mountain, it's a struggle and sometimes we have to fall back and take a breather and do something else for awhile to change that tape that runs in our heads like groundhog day. Some have it easy and for others it's daunting, we don't have to focus on it 24/7. I recall several years ago when I had been on HRT for quite awhile, transition was so all consuming. Being on hormones was like a snowball rolling down a long steep hill, it got bigger and bigger and turned into an avalanche mentally. I finally realized that my brain was turning feminine faster than my body, my thinking had gone totally over to the female side. Eventually though it came back to center and I can think with both sides of my brain, it took getting busy on different projects and hobbies so that I didn't spend every waking moment focused on feminine things. Finally my body caught up and I found a place where I am reasonably content. Think about it, you'll be ok hon!
FA reminded me that I forgot to take my E this morning. That's the problem with me today. I just took it, and hopefully I'll be back to my usual self in an hour or two. I know in my head that I'm all girl and probably will get the whole shebang installed eventually, but I'm glad to have realized what the problem was today. Thanks for being there for me, Shan!
Quote from: Jill F on April 17, 2014, 08:09:42 PM
Quote from: Shantel on April 17, 2014, 06:43:04 PM
A lot of us never make all the way up that mountain, it's a struggle and sometimes we have to fall back and take a breather and do something else for awhile to change that tape that runs in our heads like groundhog day. Some have it easy and for others it's daunting, we don't have to focus on it 24/7. I recall several years ago when I had been on HRT for quite awhile, transition was so all consuming. Being on hormones was like a snowball rolling down a long steep hill, it got bigger and bigger and turned into an avalanche mentally. I finally realized that my brain was turning feminine faster than my body, my thinking had gone totally over to the female side. Eventually though it came back to center and I can think with both sides of my brain, it took getting busy on different projects and hobbies so that I didn't spend every waking moment focused on feminine things. Finally my body caught up and I found a place where I am reasonably content. Think about it, you'll be ok hon!
FA reminded me that I forgot to take my E this morning. That's the problem with me today. I just took it, and hopefully I'll be back to my usual self in an hour or two. I know in my head that I'm all girl and probably will get the whole shebang installed eventually, but I'm glad to have realized what the problem was today. Thanks for being there for me, Shan!
Aww well at least i was good for something today!
Quote from: FA on April 17, 2014, 08:21:07 PM
well at least i was good for something today!
Well, I stubbed my toe today. I decided to blame it on you. (Portia agreed that this was the right thing to do)
I've been in a holding pattern for months now and I'm becoming quite depressed. From September to December, things with my SO seemed to be improving. She moved, rather rapidly, from "I'm not sticking around for any kind of transition" to acceptance and support.
Since Christmas, though, things have taken a sharp turn. Support has been systematically replaced by an endless series of efforts to undermine, restrict, and obstruct transition-related activities: insisting that I reduce my dose, refusing to let me dress or wear my wig, belittling and insulting me, categorically refusing to take photographs.
Here's a representative paraphrase: You asked me to take photographs to document your changes. I don't understand why you can't just wear a plain white T-shirt and jeans.
Things really hit home this week when my SO reported that my son no longer "views transgender as a threat because he thinks nothing is likely to actually change."
I need to assert myself and soon. I need to be direct and, quite frankly, the bough may finally break. :-\
Woke up too early. 4 AM is just too early for me!!! Stupid girl, sleep more, relax.
Quote from: FrancisAnn on April 18, 2014, 03:59:56 AM
Woke up too early. 4 AM is just too early for me!!! Stupid girl, sleep more, relax.
Go to sleep Honey, I'll watch over you, just relax.
Quote from: Cindy on April 18, 2014, 04:04:08 AM
Go to sleep Honey, I'll watch over you, just relax.
What time is it in Australia?????? Thanks, I'll try to snooze back to sleep.
Quote from: FrancisAnn on April 18, 2014, 04:30:00 AM
What time is it in Australia?????? Thanks, I'll try to snooze back to sleep.
Just on 7pm. A pizza warming up for dinner
Quote from: Mia Jennell (Gwynne) on April 18, 2014, 12:14:29 AM
Since Christmas, though, things have taken a sharp turn. Support has been systematically replaced by an endless series of efforts to undermine, restrict, and obstruct transition-related activities: insisting that I reduce my dose, refusing to let me dress or wear my wig, belittling and insulting me, categorically refusing to take photographs.
That sounds really rough. Is she getting any counselling to help her come to terms with your transition?
Quote from: Cindy on April 18, 2014, 04:32:46 AM
Just on 7pm. A pizza warming up for dinner
Cindy, That was so sweet of you girl friend. I did go back to sleep. I hope you pizza was delicious. Please have a great evening. Francis Ann
Nothing distressing, but the compass is pointing towards the male end and I'm feeling boredom rather than the excitement I feel when it points towards the female end. I'm just distracting myself with music and Hellsing Abridged.
This is nothing major but I just got an urge to bake. Everything that I have to bake (which I was going to play with some fun icing things on cupcakes) needs water. I have bottled water so I can give my dogs and my cat water, but I don't want to use it for cooking so I can save it. (This sounds like a problem to me)
Can't wait for my dad to come home and we fix this leak.
Quote from: ReaverMarcus on April 18, 2014, 10:11:32 AM
This is nothing major but I just got an urge to bake. Everything that I have to bake (which I was going to play with some fun icing things on cupcakes) needs water. I have bottled water so I can give my dogs and my cat water, but I don't want to use it for cooking so I can save it. (This sounds like a problem to me)
Can't wait for my dad to come home and we fix this leak.
Baking is creative, I like to sample but alas usually wind up wearing the results. Btw does my butt look fat in these jeans today? ;D
Hating life, hating myself.
Quote from: Ms Grace on April 18, 2014, 06:07:05 AM
That sounds really rough. Is she getting any counselling to help her come to terms with your transition?
She is, but I'm not convinced that the counselor has a clue.
Having a periodontic surgery to increase the height of my teeth and align them.
My mouth is completely numb...I can't even drink a soup! My dentist told me that when the anesthesia goes away it will be worse and that it will take at least two weeks until my gum heals. It is horrible right now! Looks like I have an open wound on my mouth!
:(
Quote from: Natalia on April 18, 2014, 01:39:27 PMHaving a periodontic surgery to increase the height of my teeth and align them.
My mouth is completely numb...I can't even drink a soup! My dentist told me that when the anesthesia goes away it will be worse and that it will take at least two weeks until my gum heals. It is horrible right now! Looks like I have an open wound on my mouth!
:(
Owie :(
So how are you eating? Just wondering?
Quote from: Mia Jennell (Gwynne) on April 18, 2014, 12:47:23 PM
She is, but I'm not convinced that the counselor has a clue.
They wouldn't be the first clueless counsellor. That's unfortunate, especially if they're making the situation worse. Of course, even the best counsellor isn't going to make a difference if the client has chosen to be uncooperative. :-\ Hope things do improve with your wife.
Quote from: Lauren5 on April 18, 2014, 01:50:18 PM
Owie :(
So how are you eating? Just wondering?
I'm not, but I will as soon as the anesthesia ends...I am already starving :p
Quote from: Natalia on April 18, 2014, 02:34:52 PMI'm not, but I will as soon as the anesthesia ends...I am already starving :p
Dunno about you, but I think the hunger pains would be worse than the surgical pain!
For me, that was the second worst part of getting my wisdom teeth removed. Couldn't eat much besides applesauce and ice cream for a good week or so. The worst part was the pain medication they gave me. Took half a pill and puked for a good 8 hours. Advil sufficed just fine.
Of course, I've never had your procedure done, so I don't know how the pain is for that.
So much homework!!!
My life and who i am.
Quote from: Ms Grace on April 18, 2014, 01:57:41 PM
They wouldn't be the first clueless counsellor. That's unfortunate, especially if they're making the situation worse. Of course, even the best counsellor isn't going to make a difference if the client has chosen to be uncooperative. :-\ Hope things do improve with your wife.
Thanks. I appreciate the support.
From what my wife tells me, her counselor is using reconciliation after an extramarital affair as her model. Facilitated by this, my wife has concluded that I've lost the expectation of privacy. I think that's neither a reasonable comparison, nor conclusion.
Late April blizzard ???
Quote from: Mia Jennell (Gwynne) on April 18, 2014, 12:14:29 AM
I've been in a holding pattern for months now and I'm becoming quite depressed. From September to December, things with my SO seemed to be improving. She moved, rather rapidly, from "I'm not sticking around for any kind of transition" to acceptance and support.
Since Christmas, though, things have taken a sharp turn. Support has been systematically replaced by an endless series of efforts to undermine, restrict, and obstruct transition-related activities: insisting that I reduce my dose, refusing to let me dress or wear my wig, belittling and insulting me, categorically refusing to take photographs.
Here's a representative paraphrase: You asked me to take photographs to document your changes. I don't understand why you can't just wear a plain white T-shirt and jeans.
Things really hit home this week when my SO reported that my son no longer "views transgender as a threat because he thinks nothing is likely to actually change."
I need to assert myself and soon. I need to be direct and, quite frankly, the bough may finally break. :-\
Quote from: Mia Jennell (Gwynne) on April 18, 2014, 05:10:27 PM
Thanks. I appreciate the support.
From what my wife tells me, her counselor is using reconciliation after an extramarital affair as her model. Facilitated by this, my wife has concluded that I've lost the expectation of privacy. I think that's neither a reasonable comparison, nor conclusion.
I honestly have no idea how they reached the conclusion that changing the privacy you get is going to help either party with the transition. I mean, I can make an assumption as to WHY they chose it - your wife probably views your transition as a) a breach of the marriage contract (to be her husband, and whatever she imagines the role of husband should entail) and/or or b) a potential threat (as a lot of straight women assume that once a spouse transitions they're going to meet, and sleep with, other trans people. I think this is, in part, connected to the false idea that ->-bleeped-<- has a fetishistic element). Her report that your son doesn't view transition as a threat because "nothing is likely to change" is also revealing, in that it shows his biggest fear with your transition may be that you are no longer going to be the person he knew and loved.
I do agree that you'll probably have to assert yourself. How is the communication on the whole issue? It sounds to me, from what you said, that your wife is selective in what she tells you from counselling, and that your son is talking to your wife instead of to you.
My dad is finally home but the water still isn't running. Screwed up part of the pump.
*possible trigger warning*
Walking thru the airport terminals the last 4days, seeing hundreds of females, wanting to be any one of them,
Getting "thank you for the safe flight , sir" repeatedly, (I know, they wouldn't know, it still hurts)
After getting home and unpacking from the trip, stepping on the scale and seeing my weight almost 6lbs more than when I left.
I can barely keep from crying.
Quote from: Paula Christine on April 19, 2014, 12:13:54 AM
After getting home and unpacking from the trip, stepping on the scale and seeing my weight almost 6lbs more than when I left.
I can barely keep from crying.
Sorry hon. but with that statement - you can rest assured you're as female as any one of them!
I know I should be happy, but I'm not. Guess I've always been a glass half empty sort of person.
I know that I don't like traveling on my own, think I might cut short this trip and go home early.
ear phones starting to conk out-more expensee.....ugh!
3 of my key buttons aren't working
Went to the salon to get my hair cut, lady asked my name and I impulsively said my birth name and attempted to quickly change it to my new name but it was too late and she just looked at me super weird. From then on I got misgendered as a female and was too sheepish and shy to say anything.
Quote from: Paula Christine on April 19, 2014, 12:13:54 AM*possible trigger warning*
Walking thru the airport terminals the last 4days, seeing hundreds of females, wanting to be any one of them,
Getting "thank you for the safe flight , sir" repeatedly, (I know, they wouldn't know, it still hurts)
After getting home and unpacking from the trip, stepping on the scale and seeing my weight almost 6lbs more than when I left.
I can barely keep from crying.
OhEmGee, are you a pilot? Or another crew member? We have soooo much to talk about!
Yes, but not a very happy one tonight. 'was an exceptionally difficult trip . The only good that came from it, I was able to really study, observe the females walking thru the concourses.. their walk, their poise, posture, hair flip ;)
But it hurt too, knowing I am so far away from getting to where they are, it would be easier landing an airplane with an engine out, missing half a wing, and the other half on fire, than looking -anything- like them.
Quote from: Paula Christine on April 19, 2014, 01:21:57 AM
Yes, but not a very happy one tonight. 'was an exceptionally difficult trip . The only good that came from it, I was able to really study, observe the females walking thru the concourses.. their walk, their poise, posture, hair flip ;)
But it hurt too, knowing I am so far away from getting to where they are, it would be easier landing an airplane with an engine out, missing half a wing, and the other half on fire, than looking -anything- like them.
Don't I know it. Yeah, having to squak 7700 is a LOT (not a reference to the Polish airline lol :D ) easier than magically appearing female. Hang in there girl, you'll work on it eventually. Heck, I sometimes get sad when my roommate is in the room (she's quite attractive, too, which makes it all the harder because she always complains about how ugly she looks and feels, and I'm like girl, try being me) so I can't even imagine how tough it is for you.
And for the record, I've gotten into the habit of speaking with the Capitan/first officer and using their rank to address them, rather than sir/ma'am. Something I picked up growing up in the military, although sir/ma'am is still used as well.
The conversation I have to have with my boss tomorrow might end up with someone losing their job. Not something I'm looking forward to.
uneasy lies the head that wears a crown
Forgot to pick up some paper towels at the store earlier and now I've just dropped a bowl of green beans on the floor :P Darn effects of injuries and old age :icon_anger: Frinkin' frickin' frick a frack!!!
Quote from: V M on April 19, 2014, 04:33:35 AM
Forgot to pick up some paper towels at the store earlier and now I've just dropped a bowl of green beans on the floor :P Darn effects of injuries and old age :icon_anger: Frinkin' frickin' frick a frack!!!
Welcome to my world where I drop a slice of bread with peanut butter and jam face down on the carpet. Yes frick a frack!
This made me more agitated than unhappy: Our mailman is an idiot and constantly puts the mail in the wrong boxes. Today, he put the mail for someone that has the same apartment number as mine, but lives in a different court, in my box. So, I had to search out the guy's apartment and put the mail in his box instead.
I remember one time I was passing him as I left the communal laundromat and he dropped some fliers of some type. I alerted him to what he did and he didn't even seem to care. I thought to myself: "What an idiot. What if that had been someone's bills and then they had their lights or phone shut off because this fool can't seem to do his job properly?"
Friggin' idiot.
My nephew left a bag with his DS outside of the hotel and it got stolen. I just feel deeply horrible and feel like crap because of this. I should have checked after him....
Quote from: Malachite on April 19, 2014, 09:27:15 PM
My nephew left a bag with his DS outside of the hotel and it got stolen. I just feel deeply horrible and feel like crap because of this. I should have checked after him....
:( That sucks. It's not your fault though.
Easter always makes me a bit sad. Not the holiday itself, but it reminds me of my dog Shadow who passed away a few years ago. He was my best friend and everything to me. The reason I always think about him around this time is because my favorite photo of him was taken around this time. He's dressed up with bunny ears, with his little easter basket and spring themed dolls surrounding him. And he has the cutest smile on his face. The fact that we actually got him to pose for it and keep the ears on makes it realy special to me (the same was not true for the santa hat and reindeer antlers, lol). It reminds of me what a good boy he was. I look at it quite often to remember the memories and it feels nice (yet sad), but something about tomorrow being Easter is making me tear up. I miss him so much and would give the world just to give him one last hug and tell him how much I love him. Just one more moment. I know it's weird to say that Easter makes me sad, but it really does remind me of losing him. Even though it's been 3 years now, I still think about him all the time. But I guess even if it it hurts, I'm glad that I had all the good memories and feelings that caused this slight pain.
Quote from: birkin on April 19, 2014, 09:28:59 PM
:( That sucks. It's not your fault though.
And that's the thing, I shouldn't feel as bad because his father told him that the game was *his* responsibility, but as a gamer, if that happened to me, I would cry. I should have went back to gather those bags, but we were pretty far away and was about to go into the hotel elevator and I had my ow heavy luggages. He decided to carry a random box of cereal when everyone was told to get their own bags.
On top of this, I had five nightmares in a single night, with 4 of them with me being "outed" and the other one a driving nightmare.
Saw that BET got away with forcing a trans girl to "dress like a man" b@stards!!!
So we recently had a couple kayaks stolen from the store where I work so the boss man finally decided to install cameras. Well I can watch the feed from the computer at the front counter and viewing the camera looking down on me I could see just how thin the hair is on the top of my head :embarrassed: really didn't need that reminder :(
Tonight, I texted my sister (who hasn't spoken to me in a month, since I came out), saying, "I really miss my sister", she replied, "I really miss my brother".
Feeling and seeing more and more that pretty much anything I desire from life is unattainable due to something about me, whether it's physical (mostly) or mental (sometimes.) and it's really frustrating, because I can never ever properly correct these things. Everything just drifts out of reach for me.
Quote from: Paula Christine on April 19, 2014, 11:46:42 PMTonight, I texted my sister (who hasn't spoken to me in a month, since I came out), saying, "I really miss my sister", she replied, "I really miss my brother".
I had the same thing when I went home for Christmas about a month after coming out to my family. We rarely talked over the break and after I left, we haven't talked. it's been 4 months since I've heard from either my mother or my sister. I hope the same doesn't have to happen to you.
Quote from: Paula Christine on April 19, 2014, 11:46:42 PM
Tonight, I texted my sister (who hasn't spoken to me in a month, since I came out), saying, "I really miss my sister", she replied, "I really miss my brother".
I'm sorry, this is why friends can be better than family. They accept us for who and what we are, as we accept them for all their faults and failings. Hopefully your sister comes around soon
Thank you, both.. I think it would have hurt less if she just said "I miss you too" and left out "brother".
I do value the sisters, and brothers I have here as you accept me as I am, as I do you. Hugs! <3
Quote from: immortal gypsy on April 20, 2014, 12:36:19 AMI'm sorry, this is why friends can be better than family. They accept us for who and what we are, as we accept them for all their faults and failings. Hopefully your sister comes around soon
And if they don't, it's a lot easier to never see them again. I've had to do my fair share of that, partially because of who I am, partially because I move so much and friends rarely, if ever, have the will to keep in touch over such distances.
I've bent over backwards for a pair of thick ignorant fat slobs,my breakfast was ******* ****, a guest who i cooked for at the same time said his was excellent.They left a newly decorated room filthy with takeaway junk food splattered up the walls and walked into the carpet and blew chunks on the bedding then told me that "my sort" shouldn't be allowed to work with the public as we don't like you or want to see you.Nice
Quote from: big kim on April 20, 2014, 06:25:55 AM
I've bent over backwards for a pair of thick ignorant fat slobs,my breakfast was ******* ****, a guest who i cooked for at the same time said his was excellent.They left a newly decorated room filthy with takeaway junk food splattered up the walls and walked into the carpet and blew chunks on the bedding then told me that "my sort" shouldn't be allowed to work with the public as we don't like you or want to see you.Nice
Big Kim, just consider the source and go on with your life, pigs like that usually find their way to the slaughterhouse and have no-one to blame but themselves.
It is Easter...
but no holiday feels the same anymore without my mom around :(
Quote from: Shantel on April 20, 2014, 09:59:41 AM
Big Kim, just consider the source and go on with your life, pigs like that usually find their way to the slaughterhouse and have no-one to blame but themselves.
I'm OK thanks Shantel I'll be rid of them tomorrow
I started thinking about Easter and the possibility of my cousins using the wrong name (they are the only ones who still do but I cut them slack because they are kids) and I got pretty irrationally angry. Busted my foot in the shower because I wasn't paying attention. Much cursing ensued.
Makes me really mad I was ever female.
Quote from: big kim on April 20, 2014, 10:41:19 AM
I'm OK thanks Shantel I'll be rid of them tomorrow
You going to kill them? :icon_peace:
No it would only mess up the hotel
Quote from: Natalia on April 20, 2014, 10:35:33 AM
It is Easter...
but no holiday feels the same anymore without my mom around :(
Hey Natalia,
(hugs). While I realize this is a really hard thing for you and something I could never even imagine going through, I do hope you have the greatest hoiliday that you can have given the circumstances. Feel better.
Quote from: learningtolive on April 20, 2014, 02:05:26 PM
Hey Natalia,
(hugs). While I realize this is a really hard thing for you and something I could never even imagine going through, I do hope you have the greatest hoiliday that you can have given the circumstances. Feel better.
Very sweet, and I'll second that to Natalia!
My favorite part of the holidays is all the questions you get from relatives for things they already have the answers to. Usually it's a way of judging you in a way that sounds more pc than saying "what a loser". Like yeah, I know I suck and other people's lives are better thanks for pointing it out. The job one was really hard given everything that's been going on. It's like thanks for making my holiday feel like an interrogation. And when you overhear people talking about you making judgemental comments behind your back, it's like screw you.
I can't help bur feeling disgusting. Why? The moving
A week after it started, it turned into a race against the clock to vacate and fo small fixes to my rental place. The consequences:
- I can't wear female clothing or whatever, since all the day I am doing physical work that des not allow any movement restrictions. Heck, I need to untuck before starting.
- Most of my clothes are now packed or in the new apartment (which won't be usable until the mattress arrives. We found brown stains on the old one)
- No push up bras, and not even make-up. Everything gets wasted with the activity. Won't even mention the nail polish stuff.
So, every day I am dressed andro in jeans, sports bra and whatever t-shirt is clean. I haven't groomed for a long time: Hairy legs, eyebrows messed to the maximum level, Horrible nails, and I don't even hide whatever rests of beard still linger. Apart from daily showering, shaving and clean underwear, I don't do anything else. I don't fix my hair properly, won't exercise, watch my weight or whatever. But the things that most triggers my anxiety is the inavility to find time to study for the exam.
So here I am, last day of holidays that I can get my father to help me move the heavy stuff that requires a car. I need to spend the whole day moving the biggest pieces of furniture, and in the moment the mattress is instaled, move the last stuff that moves with me. Computer, Desk, and chair.
I only want to end all of this, give back the keys for the old crappy place, lock myself at the new apartment, take a bath, get my eyebrows done, shave every hair in my body, get my new ID and get a new gym suscription.
Well, time to hit the shower... I need to move the bicycle, and since there are no bike lane connections between the two cities, I need to transport it in the metro, which is a direct ticket for angry idiots accusing me of taking too much space in a day where transport frequencies are cut by 50%
PS: I need to mention that easter in spain can be one of the worst holidays of the year, since everything is closed for several consecutive days: From thursday to monday, only in saturday shops open. I can't buy the lightbulbs I need, take measurements at IKEA, or even buy food. The saturday I was nervous enough hoping I wasn't forgetting anything at the market.
Oh, and obviously, I'm not meeting for any family stuff since my parents decided to cut me away from the rest of the family and keep me hidden (Not that I care a lot). They are even limiting my access to the old place, and I need to enter there and get the rest of my stuff, specially the expensive audio furniture.
I yelled at my son last night for leaving the front door hanging open and letting a bumble bee get in. I was upset because whenever there is a bug or a bat that needs to be caught in the house it falls on me.
My mother bought me a gravestone. With the wrong name on it. While I sometimes wonder why I don't let death in to have its way, that gravestone will need to find a different body to honor, cause it won't be mine. She told someone else that If I want the name changed, I have to do it myself. That someone else is how I first heard of the dumb thing.
It's getting harder to ignore her. She's banging at the door with a sledgehammer wanting to use the bathroom and it's occupied!
I still have a lot to do which takes time. Ruddy facial hairs still stubbornly persisting. :(
Quote from: Jenny07 on April 21, 2014, 06:19:57 AM
It's getting harder to ignore her. She's banging at the door with a sledgehammer wanting to use the bathroom and it's occupied!
I still have a lot to do which takes time. Ruddy facial hairs still stubbornly persisting. :(
I know what you mean, hon. One of the reasons I wasn't considering going full time until later in the year was trying to deal with the beard...not easy once you have to present as female everyday at work. Fortunately work was flexible enough to allow me a means to work around it. Still have at least six months/75 hours to go of face zapping though. blah.
Are you effin' kidding me? Two trips and I still haven't been able to move everything. Also, half of my nails were either broken or close to breaking after a week of manual labor, so I had to pick the dreader nail clipper. I will leave the nail file for after dinner...
And that's everything for now. Tomorrow they bring the new washing machine, and as soon as I can get a mattress, I can finally move. Worst part is that now there is no TV, console, books... Not that I want to anything that is not going to bed...
Quote from: LordKAT on April 21, 2014, 05:40:50 AM
My mother bought me a gravestone. With the wrong name on it. While I sometimes wonder why I don't let death in to have its way, that gravestone will need to find a different body to honor, cause it won't be mine. She told someone else that If I want the name changed, I have to do it myself. That someone else is how I first heard of the dumb thing.
How bizarre is that? You're not planning to check out anytime soon are you?
Quote from: LordKAT on April 21, 2014, 05:40:50 AM
My mother bought me a gravestone. With the wrong name on it. While I sometimes wonder why I don't let death in to have its way, that gravestone will need to find a different body to honor, cause it won't be mine. She told someone else that If I want the name changed, I have to do it myself. That someone else is how I first heard of the dumb thing.
Wow. Just. Wow. That's effed up on so many levels that I don't even know where to begin. I don't think I'd handle that well to say the least. I probably would have changed the name to hers, added 2014 as her expiration date and sent it back.
Big hugs, and so sorry that happened to you.
Jill
Quote from: LordKAT on April 21, 2014, 05:40:50 AM
My mother bought me a gravestone. With the wrong name on it. While I sometimes wonder why I don't let death in to have its way, that gravestone will need to find a different body to honor, cause it won't be mine. She told someone else that If I want the name changed, I have to do it myself. That someone else is how I first heard of the dumb thing.
Oh wow that is just really messed up. So sorry you're having to deal with that buddy.
Quote from: LordKAT on April 21, 2014, 05:40:50 AM
My mother bought me a gravestone. With the wrong name on it. While I sometimes wonder why I don't let death in to have its way, that gravestone will need to find a different body to honor, cause it won't be mine. She told someone else that If I want the name changed, I have to do it myself. That someone else is how I first heard of the dumb thing.
That is so morbid and twisted. :| I have to say, I like Jill's suggestion LOL.
Quote from: LordKAT on April 21, 2014, 05:40:50 AM
My mother bought me a gravestone. With the wrong name on it. While I sometimes wonder why I don't let death in to have its way, that gravestone will need to find a different body to honor, cause it won't be mine. She told someone else that If I want the name changed, I have to do it myself. That someone else is how I first heard of the dumb thing.
I read that this morning and had to calm down a bit before posting
My folks have done some pretty messed up things, but that is so messed up and I'd be so P.O.ed if my folks did that... Arrrrrgh!!!
*Hugs LordKat*
My body feels like it's like 90, all the aches, pains, and god the stress. That's the killer there. The worst part is there's little I can do about the stress.
Quote from: Lauren5 on April 21, 2014, 05:45:30 PM
My body feels like it's like 90, all the aches, pains, and god the stress. That's the killer there. The worst part is there's little I can do about the stress.
I dunno, you're pretty young yet, do you think you're going to make it?
I can not believe how bad my back is today. I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to go to work tomorrow.
Quote from: Gwynne on April 13, 2014, 11:56:30 PM
If that ever happens again, a better solution is to remap your r key to a different key on the keyboard. The tilde (~) is a good choice as it's rarely used.
I eventually did this. I don't know why it took me so long
Quote from: Shantel on April 21, 2014, 07:04:00 PMI dunno, you're pretty young yet, do you think you're going to make it?
I dunno. I should probably get a cane to wave at the younguns' in anger :P
Quote from: christopher on April 21, 2014, 08:58:00 PMI can not believe how bad my back is today. I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to go to work tomorrow.
Mine hurts really bad too. I went to a chiropractor for it a while back, but it didn't help.
Found another tag on my skin again. I really need to see my dermatologist again. -_-
Quote from: Lauren5 on April 21, 2014, 11:57:41 PM
I dunno. I should probably get a cane to wave at the younguns' in anger :P
Time to start practicing your "GET OFF MY LAWN" voice? Hope your back gets better soon
Yesterday I made up somebody's last pay packet :(
Today I had to hand it to them :( :(
Another night of severe insomia. I got some sleep, but really not enough. I hate it. Usually I take 4 advil pms, 15 mg of melatoinin and sometimes a spoonful of kava to sleep every night. I haven't been using the kava, so now I'm having more trouble. While I realize this is very unhealthy, I get so much anxiety at night and know I need something to just put me down. However, my liver's been through a lot and still continues to take a punch considering I take hormones and an anti depressant as well. Hopefully it won't be the death of me anytime soon, lol.
Reduced to tears today (for the second time) when the therapist I've been chasing for the last two weeks finally got back to me, and told me the wait to see him is 3 months long. 3 days is a long time for me at the moment, and the dysphoria is getting worse by the day, and now I have to wait three months! :'( :'( :'(
Quote from: Kara Jayde on April 22, 2014, 04:15:04 AM
Reduced to tears today (for the second time) when the therapist I've been chasing for the last two weeks finally got back to me, and told me the wait to see him is 3 months long. 3 days is a long time for me at the moment, and the dysphoria is getting worse by the day, and now I have to wait three months! :'( :'( :'(
I remember my wait, goddess I was so ready and I just needed to see my therapist, then found out it would be 6 months. So, I cried, less easy then than now :laugh:. Told myself to get ready, got laser, got waxing, started to dress in a more feminine style, did my toe nails, got my ears pierced, saw a hairdresser and told them I was TG and what could they do for a grey haired old man.
I started to live.
Yes it was very hard but..............when I had my first appointment I was ready, even more ready than I thought. I had also got over all the crap comments, I was ready.
Transitioning? It was so easy because I had already done it.
Quote from: Kara Jayde on April 22, 2014, 04:15:04 AM
Reduced to tears today (for the second time) when the therapist I've been chasing for the last two weeks finally got back to me, and told me the wait to see him is 3 months long. 3 days is a long time for me at the moment, and the dysphoria is getting worse by the day, and now I have to wait three months! :'( :'( :'(
BIG HUG for Kara Jayde :icon_hug:
I know this might not be much support, try to foucus on building a war chest for transition. (hair removal, psych appointments [medicare and a mental health plan will only go so far], make up, wardrobe you can never have enough clothes). I found it helped me take my mind off the wait and it helps you be prepared for when the great day finally occours.
Try to keep your spirits up I know it's hard it will get better eventually. Gypsy
Quote from: Cindy on April 22, 2014, 04:30:16 AM
I remember my wait, goddess I was so ready and I just needed to see my therapist, then found out it would be 6 months. So, I cried, less easy then than now :laugh:. Told myself to get ready, got laser, got waxing, started to dress in a more feminine style, did my toe nails, got my ears pierced, saw a hairdresser and told them I was TG and what could they do for a grey haired old man.
I started to live.
Yes it was very hard but..............when I had my first appointment I was ready, even more ready than I thought. I had also got over all the crap comments, I was ready.
Transitioning? It was so easy because I had already done it.
Quote from: immortal gypsy on April 22, 2014, 04:50:12 AM
BIG HUG for Kara Jayde :icon_hug:
I know this might not be much support, try to foucus on building a war chest for transition. (hair removal, psych appointments [medicare and a mental health plan will only go so far], make up, wardrobe you can never have enough clothes). I found it helped me take my mind off the wait and it helps you be prepared for when the great day finally occours.
Try to keep your spirits up I know it's hard it will get better eventually. Gypsy
Thank you both for the kind words! This is a little hurdle, but it hit me emotionally pretty hard. I've spoken to a few girls locally and they suggested I go the informal consent route - basically get my GP to prescribe the HRT while I wait. I'm not sure what that process is like but I'm trying to look into it, since I'd very much like to begin at least the anti-androgens straight away! I might bring it up with my GP when I go to get my blood work results
Quote from: Daydreamer on April 22, 2014, 12:42:18 AM
Found another tag on my skin again. I really need to see my dermatologist again. -_-
Don't feel like you're alone here, I am lifetime job security for my dermatologists. I get a smooth hull and every six months I have to get the barnacles removed again. :icon_ballbounce2:
I think I caught a stomach bug from my mother.
Its very likely I will stop, for the sake of my family, and revert to.. what I was before October. mean, ugly, sullen, and just, die, inside.
I just don't know what else to do. :'(
Quote from: Paula Christine on April 22, 2014, 02:11:53 PM
Its very likely I will stop, for the sake of my family, and revert to.. what I was before October. mean, ugly, sullen, and just, die, inside.
I just don't know what else to do. :'(
You know. I got onto this thread because I'm having a crappy day, but I can't complain about my petty problems in the face of that.
Paula, we're all here to support each other. Vent, scream, cry, ask for advice. My ear is here for you.
Dee
Having to pay my car insurance, phone bill and our family accountant for doing the taxes. Luckily, I was given over 200 dollars as a gift from my coworkers on my last day of work as a temp (a gift they gave me to help me out while they try to get me back permanetly because they are all such sweet people) so it wasn't as bad as it could have been as it covered about 2/3rds of it. Just sucks that I lost it all within a manner of days and and then some. However, that gift did make this part of my monthly bills easier, so I can't complain even though I am sad to part with the money.
Quote from: learningtolive on April 22, 2014, 05:06:37 PM
Having to pay my car insurance, phone bill and our family accountant for doing the taxes. Luckily, I was given over 200 dollars as a gift from my coworkers on my last day of work as a temp (a gift they gave me to help me out while they try to get me back permanetly because they are all such sweet people) so it wasn't as bad as it could have been as it covered about 2/3rds of it. Just sucks that I lost it all within a manner of days and and then some. However, that gift did make this part of my monthly bills easier, so I can't complain even though I am sad to part with the money.
aww well I'm glad your coworkers are nice anyway. And I hope it all works out there. It's awesome to work with people who like you.
I massively undercooked my spaghetti. I'll keep eating it anyway, but gross.
Nothing major, fortunately, but today some inconsiderate woman at the grocery store at the register decided to hold up the whole line just after I had unloaded a full cart on the belt. Why? After she got done buying her groceries, she decided to try to make some returns without a receipt. So she argues and whines and complains and makes a big ugly long-winded deal of about two dollars worth of stuff. Everyone in line is calling her out on her BS, I tell her I'd gladly give her five bucks just to drop it and f*&^ off, but noooo. She stood her ground and demanded the manager, which took forever. Then she had it out with the manager, who, after a few minutes of taking abuse asked her to leave. She didn't. Instead she had a major freakout and had to be escorted out. We all applauded, but I can't believe she got to waste 20 minutes of my time over two lousy dollars when I was willing to give her five.
Some people make no sense.
OMG, people like that drive me bugs :P Luckily the grocery in town has a customer service desk that problem people are immediately directed to so they don't stuff up the checkout stand
Quote from: V M on April 22, 2014, 08:35:29 PM
OMG, people like that drive me bugs :P Luckily the grocery in town has a customer service desk that problem people are immediately directed to so they don't stuff up the checkout stand
That store did too. This nutbag wouldn't leave the checkstand until she got her $2 from the store. She didn't and we had to wait for her to get the boot.
I'm feeling what I think is homesickness. Strange because I've never really had a home. I want to return to Europe. Like a fresh start, leave all this bullcrap that I built up here. There's way too many issues with that though, such a move would have to wait at least until the new year, if not next summer, if ever. One of the many things depressing me tonight.
can't get tv to work
That's the thing. I tried to plug in the red, yellow,w and white cords but the t.v isn't registering them. :(
Someone keeps posting more of the same triggering stuff that's been making me upset and putting me on a bummer for quite awhile now - I think I'm going to start avoiding the site even more than I already am
Quote from: V M on April 23, 2014, 03:02:10 AM
Someone keeps posting more of the same triggering stuff that's been making me upset and putting me on a bummer for quite awhile now - I think I'm going to start avoiding the site even more than I already am
So sorry to hear. You are one of the most awesome people here and I really care about you. PM me if you want to vent. I'd hate to see you go.
Hugs,
Jill
Quote from: Jill F on April 23, 2014, 03:16:33 AM
So sorry to hear. You are one of the most awesome people here and I really care about you. PM me if you want to vent. I'd hate to see you go.
Hugs,
Jill
I think you are awesomely cool also and I enjoy talking music stuff with you
I'll probably hang around, I just have to learn not to click on certain other topics I know are going to be bothersome to me
Then again, I guess I could possibly start writing songs about them
I have a stats exam tomorrow which I am undoubtably going to fail.
Dysphoria made me sad today
thankfully I get to go out tonight and drink some alcohol that should make me feel better...
Just not overall feeling well this morning.
Unfortunately I have a psych test in three hours.
I'd like to get some coffee to maybe make me feel better and more active (although I don't know if that will be a huge deal, because my legs are bouncing like fricken crazy) but I don't want to risk running out of money.
My manager's on to me about coming out to my parents now as well. I know I need to do it, trust me, I know. Just is when my grandparents are around really the best time to do it? I feel bad enough for them having to deal with post coming through in my new name a couple of weeks after finding out, but do they really need my manager on the phone the same day as knowing, or a couple of days after?
Looking at my savings account, checking how much is missing from equipping the new apartment, and thinking about how much more I will have to draw in order to pay the last bills for the old rental place, plus the inflated ones for all the powertools they used to install the new floor. Not to mention I am missing one small crucial thing I use nearly half of the week days: Utensils for preparing salads.
Now I am further away from my FFS goal, and to the point of considering dropping the electro laser sessions I had scheduled for may, but that can't be a good idea given my current regrowth rate.
I learned I can get the Quake package on Steam for £17, but I'll have to wait until I get paid on Friday (I'm getting a wig then too).
I am not doing good at all on stopping smoking a cigarette, Damn. It's such a habit I have one lite before I even think about it. I have to stop soon to get ready for facial surgery. Unhappy.
Quote from: FrancisAnn on April 23, 2014, 07:55:59 PM
I am not doing good at all on stopping smoking a cigarette, Damn. It's such a habit I have one lite before I even think about it. I have to stop soon to get ready for facial surgery. Unhappy.
Take a hot shower instead. I was wet all the time, but it worked. Clean for 2 1/2 years.
Feeling very sick at the moment ahead of a long weekend in OZ. :(
Couldn't go home early as so busy at work.
:(
Quote from: Jenny07 on April 24, 2014, 03:36:29 AM
Feeling very sick at the moment ahead of a long weekend in OZ. :(
Couldn't go home early as so busy at work.
:(
Hope you get well soon :icon_bunch: Just remember why we have a long weekend.
Can't find my work key so not looking forward to the cost of replacing them
Quote from: Jenny07 on April 24, 2014, 03:36:29 AM
Feeling very sick at the moment ahead of a long weekend in OZ. :(
Couldn't go home early as so busy at work.
:(
Get well, Jen... it's your patriotic duty!
Had a nightmare about my just becoming noticeable MPB. I gotta look into finasteride if nothing else. I love my pretty pretty hair and it's the main thing that helps me cope with not transitionbg
Infected navel piercing. That in itsel is enough to make me freak out, but... Just when I thought I was finally going to see the light and the end of the tunnel (hoping to be able to move tomorrow to the new place), Now I have one of the worst ever cases of genital dysphoria. I'm completely triggered right now, and considering getting quite drunk today.
Every day it's the same. When I sit down for at least four hours studying and preparing exams, I do it only with one idea in mind: Hope this helps me with getting hired again, and be able to save for SRS.
It's stupid. I already have the money. I could book my surgery in 50 days. But FFS seems to be a requirement for avoiding discrimination in a lot of jobs. Wish I could be back to work before I end busting all of my savings on my manly face....
My current avatar. This picture is from 8 years ago and is the current pic on my DL that I am stuck with. I just saw it and cried.
Yeah, wanna see something REALLY scary? *barf*
Quote from: Jill F on April 24, 2014, 12:52:58 PM
My current avatar. This picture is from 8 years ago and is the current pic on my DL that I am stuck with. I just saw it and cried.
Yeah, wanna see something REALLY scary? *barf*
That's pretty hard to believe Jill, you've already come light years from then. Cheer up sweetie!
I refuse to show mine because it's double barf and cut your wrists. ;D Not serious, but mine is seriously Uuugly!
Wow jill, you have changed so much! :3
Thanks all, but the fact that I'm stuck with that for at least 3 more months really blows. I mean it's useless as an ID. It's not me. I can't believe it was me. I really fear getting pulled over and having to explain myself.
Letting my eating habits become just horrible ever since I went on vacation. I know I have gained some weight. I don't even want to look at the scale. Ugh!
Since last week, I have been under stress and sadness, because of the Korean ferry accident that caused unprecedented casualties of innocent teenage students. The entire country is in despair and sorrow, as our government and adults have not been, and will not be able to take any step to fixing systematic faults regarding the safety of the society. People at their 50s or 60s dominate the government positions, but are just incapable, selfish, and greedy, because they are from the baby boom generation. They are hindering and killing young people. No hope within the future 20 years, until most of them eventually perish.
barbie
Nice hangover, what I seem to do on those days. Still, booze a few times per year looks healthier than being hung up on antidepressants. Checking the FB post I left yesterday, it's the closest thing I've ever done to poetry since elementary school.
Also, as usual they forgot to analyze half of the stuff. I know my new T value, Also that my prolactines have gone higher, but no clue on my E level.
Quote from: Jill F on April 24, 2014, 01:07:34 PM
Thanks all, but the fact that I'm stuck with that for at least 3 more months really blows. I mean it's useless as an ID. It's not me. I can't believe it was me. I really fear getting pulled over and having to explain myself.
I know it varies from state to state but, in WI you can renew up to 6 months early.
Quote from: Shantel on April 24, 2014, 12:56:53 PM
That's pretty hard to believe Jill, you've already come light years from then. Cheer up sweetie!
I refuse to show mine because it's double barf and cut your wrists. ;D Not serious, but mine is seriously Uuugly!
I showed Catherine my driver's license and she couldn't believe it was mine - "did you steal this from your father?" she asked! :laugh:
I was going to write a letter to my grandparent's about me being a transmale and it turned out my dad went ahead and told my, homophobic, religious, hypocrite grandmother instead. Of course while it took a minor load off my mind to know that now everyone who's closer family knows, I have to go and talk to her and make sure she actually understands what transgender means and try and stress to her not to misconstrue this into telling my 7 year old daughter that my husband and I are going to hell.(Which has already happened once before)
On top of that, my dad is still in denial and said a few things that upset me yesterday. Said he still saw me as his daughter and that I wasn't a man until I have a penis. So that was a not so fun conversation. But oh well ya know? It doesn't directly effect me and I know it'll take time for him to get through this or heck he might never but that's ok because I'm not sorry for being male now.
Yesterday my mom asked me three times if I wanted eggs. I told her no each time because she used cheese that I didn't like. Despite this, she still cooks some and wants me to taste them and then she hardly eats any herself and now I have to wash that nasty dish -sigh-. I think she may have been slightly drunk at that time.
Quote from: Ms Grace on April 25, 2014, 07:01:46 AM
I showed Catherine my driver's license and she couldn't believe it was mine - "did you steal this from your father?" she asked! :laugh:
Yes you did look a lot older as "Dude." It's wonderful how female HRT takes years off of one's appearance!
I'm at my grandparents for probably the last time. I'm moving away, coming out, and my grandfather is unfortunately both one of the most bigoted men I know, and the person who brought me up. Even if I thought he'd take it well its unlikely that my parents will want to tell them, they've protected them from everything for years.
I keep check my phone hoping someone from work will text me. Any update, good or bad news would help. I'm so sick of being on the edge and always being uncertain of my future. Then again, they just won't know themselves until a few weeks whether the appeal wins. I just hope they are doing something to bring me in sooner, even if per diem. I was told people would try and update me, but nothing as of yet. I'm hoping it's just there is no news rather than I'm forgotten and will have to start over somewhere else. I just want something to go right and feel stable in my life. Anything. Eh.... I hate being unemployed. I feel lazy and unproductive. I like contributing something to the world and other people even if it's minimal at best.
Quote from: learningtolive on April 25, 2014, 01:27:11 PM
I keep check my phone hoping someone from work will text me. Any update, good or bad news would help. I'm so sick of being on the edge and always being uncertain of my future. Then again, they just won't know themselves until a few weeks whether the appeal wins. I just hope they are doing something to bring me in sooner, even if per diem. I was told people would try and update me, but nothing as of yet. I'm hoping it's just there is no news rather than I'm forgotten and will have to start over somewhere else. I just want something to go right and feel stable in my life. Anything. Eh.... I hate being unemployed. I feel lazy and unproductive. I like contributing something to the world and other people even if it's minimal at best.
What you contribute is far more than minimal, sweetie. :)
I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you. *hugs*
Quote from: Sephirah on April 25, 2014, 01:28:25 PM
What you contribute is far more than minimal, sweetie. :)
I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you. *hugs*
Thanks Seph. It's just a very boring feeling. I really don't like sitting around doing nothing productive. When I do that, I tend to fester on my issues and problems. I'm thinking about doing some charity work in the mean time so I can feel productive in the mean time. I'm just very socially awkward and would get anxiety from being in a soup kitchen, lol. What can I say, I'm very weird but interacting with other people as a guy (which is how I live) isn't always the easiest for me As much as working sucks at times, it makes the day go by faster and you actually do something with yourself. Eh, rambling, like I said bored.
Quote from: LordKAT on April 25, 2014, 06:58:46 AM
I know it varies from state to state but, in WI you can renew up to 6 months early.
My legal name/gender change is on July 24, so that's when I will be able to get things switched. Meanwhile, I'm going to drive like a granny and try to stay out of jail. It's actually a miracle I've never been in the pokey after all the crap I did when I was younger. Hell, if I got busted for some of the reckless things I did, I'd probably still be rotting in prison.
Quote from: learningtolive on April 25, 2014, 01:40:35 PM
I really don't like sitting around doing nothing productive. When I do that, I tend to fester on my issues and problems.
I know that feeling very well. :)
I always thought you rambled very well though. You express yourself beautifully. Why not try something to do with writing? Maybe in a more professional sense. Use your powers for good. :P ;)
Quote from: Sephirah on April 25, 2014, 01:52:09 PM
I know that feeling very well. :)
I always thought you rambled very well though. You express yourself beautifully. Why not try something to do with writing? Maybe in a more professional sense. Use your powers for good. :P ;)
I've thought about it, but I don't think I write very well. I've written two books that never will see the light of day, and have countless poems and lyrics that I've wrote too. I'm just embarrassed to share my work, but I love being creative. Before I went to college for polisci, I wanted to be a musician. I decided saving the world (lol) and helping others in the social realm would be my calling. I was jaded with the political system when I got involved, so then I was planning on going into teaching after working as a college teacher's assitant for a year. You can still help people through teaching and can get involved with social issues witout the political constraints on the inside. I'm still considering to become a professor some day, but it takes lots of time and schooling. I'll either do that or become a social worker that helps kids from troubled homes and stuff like that. We'll see.
For now, I just want my little medical job. I was good at it and many of the patients liked me. I just feel bored and unproductive when I'm not working.
Thank you for the compliments though. It does make me feel nice that some people like my writing. :)
My Walmart username for applying online got disabled after too many failed password attempts. I hope it doesn't stay that way....
Got a hold of the computer centre, no more jobs.
Residential and Hospitality Services still hasn't responded to my application, not even an acknowledgement they received it, but checking their website there are like 20 different phone numbers, and not one mentions hiring or personnel management or anything like that. Fortunately, their headquarters is nearby, I can walk over later and ask what's going on.
I'll have to search for something that makes $8.58 an hour at least so I can stay afloat between rent, food, prescriptions, transportation, and laser, just to break even. That's not including new clothing, makeup, or savings. I may have to search for two 30 hour a week part time jobs to get it done. Not ideal, because that likely means fast food, which is even worse than retail, which I hated life working in. But if I do that, I should end up with a $80 a week surplus, leaving me with around $1300 to work with. Not enough for any surgery. Oh and also, there is no law in Michigan protecting me from not getting hired because I'm trans. Which is why I want to avoid jobs that involve heavy use of the phone or public appearances as much as I can. I may have a better chance to be hired in jobs like that.
This is going to be tough. I asked dad for help and he said "welcome to the real world." I think it's difficult for him to understand because he didn't have a bunch of extra expenses to pay just to be himself when he was my age. He also got paid for simply going to school and had a job after he was done, since he was in ROTC. He's strongly recommended me to do the same, but military life neither suits me nor do I suit military life. I don't believe he recognises the second bit.
I've had a fairly low mood the past few days, thankfully minor compared to previous relapses. I have goals but no idea how to attain them and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do career wise. I don't feel hopeless, just bored. Of everything.
The usual crap, really.
Keaira only got 3 hours of sleep last night, woke up at 4:30 am, and did a full shift at the factory. Now she's driving 2.5-3 hours to get to Muncie, and will have to drive 2.5-3 hours to get back (on the way back she'll be alone in the car). I wish that they could have planned another day to go there, one where she was not working and could have a full sleep, because she's so exhausted it isn't safe for her to be driving. -_-
I had an "appointment" for a service tech to come to my house and repair an appliance. The time slot they gave me was 8AM to 5 PM - nice. So I loitered all day, did a bit of laundry, ran the diswasher, did some reading. As 5 PM came there was still no service tech or call.
I guess I could say I am unhappy. However, that seems so tame a word...
Weekend???
Erin
Just found out that one of my cousins was in a head-on car collision, is in critical condition and probably won't survive. She's a lot younger than I am, so I've never met her and even if she survives, I probably never will because her father is the drunkle that disowned me.
That sucks. I hope she comes out OK.
Quote from: Jill F on April 25, 2014, 09:10:17 PM
Just found out that one of my cousins was in a head-on car collision, is in critical condition and probably won't survive. She's a lot younger than I am, so I've never met her and even if she survives, I probably never will because her father is the drunkle that disowned me.
That sucks. I hope she comes out OK.
Pretty sad Jill, hope she'll be ok too!
There's a crack in my water jug and it made my bed wet. It's a small, but dangerous crack. I'm going to try and tape it up later on today.
Whole bunch of things that are really depressing the stuff out of me but I don't really know how to go about talking about any of it with anyone
Oh well, eventually some day I'll go to sleep and never wake up and this nightmare will all be over with
Quote from: V M on April 26, 2014, 06:42:30 AM
Whole bunch of things that are really depressing the stuff out of me but I don't really know how to go about talking about any of it with anyone
Oh well, eventually some day I'll go to sleep and never wake up and this nightmare will all be over with
Wow, this could have been my post today. tis sad to have one of us having this bad time, sadder that is is two of us.
A married woman friend that is helping me transition told me she was attracted to me. I told her that was nice & we are friends I hope but I'm a woman. I hope she was not offened. I told her to tell her husband all about me so there can be no trouble. We all went to high scholl together. What a little mess.
Quote from: LordKAT on April 26, 2014, 07:08:39 AM
Wow, this could have been my post today. tis sad to have one of us having this bad time, sadder that is is two of us.
Hugs
Quote from: FrancisAnn on April 26, 2014, 07:14:56 AM
A married woman friend that is helping me transition told me she was attracted to me. I told her that was nice & we are friends I hope but I'm a woman. I hope she was not offened. I told her to tell her husband all about me so there can be no trouble. We all went to high scholl together. What a little mess.
Still that is quite flattering isn't it?
I am in a bad mood today.. Having one of those days where I feel like people don't talk to me unless they want something
You go out of your way to do something for someone and they can't even be bothered replying.. Well maybe I will switch my phone off and play video games and eat chocolate instead and screw you next time you want something
Avoid this post everyone, it's all pathetic, but I just needed to cry this out loud somewhere. I sound like both a total weirdo and an immature teen.
I feel really lonely right now in a romantic sense. Like it's a saturday night and I should be out meeting people. Instead, I'm at home numbing myself so I don't have to feel. You know, I'd like to put on something cute and make myself look pretty, and go out and meet someone. I know it sounds so stupid. But you know I'm a 25 year old girl. I want a boyfriend. Someone to hold me in his arms. Someone to love and protect me. Someone I could make myself pretty for. Someone that could take care of me and someone I could take care of in return. Someone to love the genuine me and somehow even appreciate my messed up self. But right now I'm just an ugly gay guy to the world and to potential partners. And I'm getting older by the hour. It's just a fantasy. It likely won't come true and that hurts.
Came out to my parents, went so much worse than expected. I just want to run away back to work now.
Quote from: learningtolive on April 26, 2014, 05:02:58 PM
Avoid this post everyone, it's all pathetic, but I just needed to cry this out loud somewhere. I sound like both a total weirdo and an immature teen.
I feel really lonely right now in a romantic sense. Like it's a saturday night and I should be out meeting people. Instead, I'm at home numbing myself so I don't have to feel. You know, I'd like to put on something cute and make myself look pretty, and go out and meet someone. I know it sounds so stupid. But you know I'm a 25 year old girl. I want a boyfriend. Someone to hold me in his arms. Someone to love and protect me. Someone I could make myself pretty for. Someone that could take care of me and someone I could take care of in return. Someone to love the genuine me and somehow even appreciate my messed up self. But right now I'm just an ugly gay guy to the world and to potential partners. And I'm getting older by the hour. It's just a fantasy. It likely won't come true and that hurts.
Hmm reading this, I could just hear 'I'm wishing, I'm wishing' :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS_NS62zXQU
Quote from: learningtolive on April 26, 2014, 05:02:58 PM
Avoid this post everyone, it's all pathetic, but I just needed to cry this out loud somewhere. I sound like both a total weirdo and an immature teen.
I feel really lonely right now in a romantic sense. Like it's a saturday night and I should be out meeting people. Instead, I'm at home numbing myself so I don't have to feel. You know, I'd like to put on something cute and make myself look pretty, and go out and meet someone. I know it sounds so stupid. But you know I'm a 25 year old girl. I want a boyfriend. Someone to hold me in his arms. Someone to love and protect me. Someone I could make myself pretty for. Someone that could take care of me and someone I could take care of in return. Someone to love the genuine me and somehow even appreciate my messed up self. But right now I'm just an ugly gay guy to the world and to potential partners. And I'm getting older by the hour. It's just a fantasy. It likely won't come true and that hurts.
I feel your pain, sister. I know that feeling all too well. -hugs-
Quote from: FA on April 26, 2014, 05:36:37 PM
Hmm reading this, I could just hear 'I'm wishing, I'm wishing' :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS_NS62zXQU
you forgot to climb in a tin drum for the reverb!
My mother spraying bug spray. My nose is coverd with a shirt and ear muffs becaus this spray is so toxic for breathing. In other words, this stuff is going to kill me faster than it does the bugs.
Quote from: Shantel on April 26, 2014, 11:26:28 AM
Still that is quite flattering isn't it?
No, I do not want to cause any trouble between these 2 people. I told her to tell her hubby everything about me & why we talk so much. I like her as a friend to go shopping with & have girl talk but she knows I'm trying my best to correct my gender. She knows I can't wait for GRS & to be a complete woman as best I can. I went to high school with both. She knows I only like men anyway.
Time is going by so slow. Facial surgery for June 10th. Such a long time to wait. I'm so ready for this & to look better more feminine. So much to do to look better & feel better about myself.
I can't believe I missed a concert announcement. The tickets went on sale 2 weeks ago and there's nothing but crappy seats left.
Now I have to pay above face if I want to see Yngwie and Uli Jon Roth up close. I just hate venues that don't have VIP tables.
I know I'm spoiled and have first world problems, but I feel like an idiot for not being on top of things like usually am.
So this week has started for me to dread those times where I can't listen to something, talk to anyone or play a game...because when I can't my mind drifts to stages of some of the worst dysphoria I have had, and it only happens at work too...
Pretty sure my older dog is getting cataracts or other eye problems. I just lost the other one...she suffered for a few days from kidney failure...I don't want to see another one suffer. We've had her for 15 years. :'(
I got confused about what time my exam was and accidentally slept in. Now I don't know what to do.
Can you talk to the teacher about possibly still taking it?
I just e-mailed her, but as nice as she is, she's one of those "too bad so sad" kind of teachers. Worst comes to worse, I'll have to retake the course which wouldn't be so bad since I missed a lot of school this semester due to my son being sick. Except then I'd have the failing marks for this course on my transcript which isn't good.
Quote from: Edge on April 27, 2014, 09:34:43 AM
I just e-mailed her, but as nice as she is, she's one of those "too bad so sad" kind of teachers. Worst comes to worse, I'll have to retake the course which wouldn't be so bad since I missed a lot of school this semester due to my son being sick. Except then I'd have the failing marks for this course on my transcript which isn't good.
Oh wow this sucks. Did you explain about your son?
Yeah, she knows because I had to ask her to reschedule my presentation. At least, she knows one of the illnesses. She doesn't know he was throwing up the last few days of classes.
Sorry to hear that. It sounds like a mixed bag of good and bad. More time to get it all but time lost on a class that could have been used elsewhere. Can a dean be reached and possibly help out?
Well, I might be able to talk to the registrar's office, but I'll see what my teacher has to say first.
I've got like the worst migraine ever right now. It's been killing me all day. I hate these things.
Quote from: learningtolive on April 27, 2014, 05:08:03 PM
I've got like the worst migraine ever right now. It's been killing me all day. I hate these things.
oh god, hate those. hang in there hon.
Quote from: learningtolive on April 27, 2014, 05:08:03 PM
I've got like the worst migraine ever right now. It's been killing me all day. I hate these things.
I feel for you, I get migraines way too often
Every Sunday evening since my wife took off I guilt my kids into calling her at her mothers house where she is staying. Tonight she of course was out. They got to talk to Grammy and Grampa but how do I explain that one. Thankfully they are all old enough that they don't even ask and I think it hurts me more than them.
I am supposed to be getting up in about 3 3/4 hours but cant sleep due to feeling like I am swallowing razor blades and my glands on my neck n stomach hurting :icon_cry2:
I spent last week making up sick time from january and now I am probably going to have to be off today too... It better just be a one day disease :(
Quote from: radsi on April 27, 2014, 08:16:26 PM
I am supposed to be getting up in about 3 3/4 hours but cant sleep due to feeling like I am swallowing razor blades and my glands on my neck n stomach hurting :icon_cry2:
I spent last week making up sick time from january and now I am probably going to have to be off today too... It better just be a one day disease :(
Uh - oh sounds like you're coming down with locus of the mocus or some other crud.
I kept a long napkin roll in my room so I can sing into it like I had a deep voice, but I can't find it. Meh....
I cant sleep!!
More issues with patches. 32 days and I've gone through 8, only 2 of which lasted their full 7 days. Another thing to do tomorrow, call my doctor and sort that out, alongside studying for finals, trying to find a job, packing, seeing what help I can get from financial aid, and then also picking up the next prescription. Busy day tomorrow, especially the job thing.
A thing about patches, when you put them on, hold your hands over it, gently pressing down for about a minute. It makes quite the difference in how long they stay on.
Assuming you have previously washed and dried the area first, and not added any lotions or anything.
Quote from: Shantel on April 27, 2014, 08:37:15 PM
Uh - oh sounds like you're coming down with locus of the mocus or some other crud.
Yep after about 4 hrs sleep I have woken up with the conclusion I am definitely diseased :( lol
Day in bed with video games, movies, fluids n painkillers is in order I think
Quote from: LordKAT on April 28, 2014, 02:03:08 AMA thing about patches, when you put them on, hold your hands over it, gently pressing down for about a minute. It makes quite the difference in how long they stay on.
Assuming you have previously washed and dried the area first, and not added any lotions or anything.
The instructions said 10 seconds, so I did 15. Then 30. It didn't seem to make much of a difference, but I can try again.
Good morning Lauren, an old nursing trick for patches is to use some skin prep wipes and just swipe along the edge of the patch after it is on your skin. It should help it to hold.
It feels like my teeth are shredding up my mouth which probably means my wisdom teeth are acting up again. I still can't afford to get them removed.
I still haven't heard back from my professor. I feel so stupid. I don't even know how I could be so stupid as to write down the wrong time on calendar.
Quote from: Christinetobe on April 28, 2014, 06:40:03 AMGood morning Lauren, an old nursing trick for patches is to use some skin prep wipes and just swipe along the edge of the patch after it is on your skin. It should help it to hold.
The scheme I have going currently works, for the most part. I put a sheet of Tegaderm over the patch, and when placed correctly, it holds for the full week. When it isn't placed correctly, like a corner folds up on me or its edge is too close to an edge of the patch, then I have problems. It's especially difficult to put on because I can't see it directly when I put it on, I have to use a mirror. If I can get it replaced,
I think I can make it work for another batch, just to save time so I can go shopping for jobs and study for finals, especially. Even more so if I can get my roommate to give me a ride to the pharmacy, she has her car down here to move her stuff out later in the week.
Could try a welding torch >:-) Sorry, being bad
But seriously, some folks have mentioned using surgical tape around the edges and some have mentioned taping some plastic like a sandwich bag on to take a shower
The tape I have is crud, that's probably why It falls off when I put it on to cover the wrinkled corners when they wrinkle. I'll have to see about getting a better roll when I go to the store for my prescription today.
I caused an entire thread to be locked. Just reminds me of the negative roll I really play here.
Quote from: learningtolive on April 28, 2014, 12:31:04 PM
I caused an entire thread to be locked. Just reminds me of the negative roll I really play here.
It wasn't you sweetie. We received complaints.
Quote from: Edge on April 28, 2014, 06:45:06 AM
It feels like my teeth are shredding up my mouth which probably means my wisdom teeth are acting up again. I still can't afford to get them I still haven't heard back from my professor. I feel so stupid. I don't even know how I could be so stupid as to write down the wrong time on calendar.
It's tough to say how she will respond...some people are very lenient with exams so you may not have to worry. On the other hand, some people are hardasses because they've had a lot of students.
I wouldn't feel stupid or bad about yourself, though. We ALL make mistakes, and you've had an unusually stressful term with everything you've had going on. If she doesn't let you rewrite, I'd honestly just consider it a write off and forgive yourself for it.
I feel like an idiot for posting something this morning that was potentially hurtful. I hadn't had my coffee yet and was in a really snarky mood.
I apologize. I'm not normally that b*tchy. Really, I'm not.
Also, my finasteride prescription expired a couple of weeks ago and that doctor refuses to refill it. I also take dutasteride and wonder if I can go without the fin. for a couple of months before the orchi. I really would like to avoid a doctor appointment if I can.
Does anyone know if finasteride is redundant with dutasteride? I just figured it couldn't hurt.
I should be studying, but I am so stressed out right now.
Watching the tornado warnings for MS, AL and TN praying all my sisters and brothers are staying safe.
Quote from: Jill F on April 28, 2014, 04:11:53 PM
I feel like an idiot for posting something this morning that was potentially hurtful. I hadn't had my coffee yet and was in a really snarky mood.
I apologize. I'm not normally that b*tchy. Really, I'm not.
Also, my finasteride prescription expired a couple of weeks ago and that doctor refuses to refill it. I also take dutasteride and wonder if I can go without the fin. for a couple of months before the orchi. I really would like to avoid a doctor appointment if I can.
Does anyone know if finasteride is redundant with dutasteride? I just figured it couldn't hurt.
Wasn't your fault hon. We just had some complaints that some stuff posted were identifiable as about certain members.
I just started finasteride, but she wants me to break these tiny pills into 4. I don't have a pill cutter anymore. Is that normal?
The list of jobs I have to do tomorrow grows longer by the minute.If I stick a brush up my ass I can sweep up when I'm walking and get one out of the way!
my "r" button is slowly starting to give out. :(
Quote from: Malachite on April 28, 2014, 05:56:58 PM
my "r" button is slowly starting to give out. :(
Can't you just pick up a USB keyboard and plug it into your laptop, hon?
Quote from: Sephirah on April 28, 2014, 06:15:35 PM
Can't you just pick up a USB keyboard and plug it into your laptop, hon?
I don't have anymore ports left as both of them are used by a mouse and speakers/cooling fan. I'd just have to get the entire thing fixed....
Quote from: Malachite on April 28, 2014, 06:37:21 PM
I don't have anymore ports left as both of them are used by a mouse and speakers/cooling fan. I'd just have to get the entire thing fixed....
Well, you could get a USB splitter or hub, giving you more ports. That would be considerably cheaper, even with the keyboard.
Quote from: Jill F on April 28, 2014, 04:11:53 PM
I feel like an idiot for posting something this morning that was potentially hurtful. I hadn't had my coffee yet and was in a really snarky mood.
I apologize. I'm not normally that b*tchy. Really, I'm not.
Also, my finasteride prescription expired a couple of weeks ago and that doctor refuses to refill it. I also take dutasteride and wonder if I can go without the fin. for a couple of months before the orchi. I really would like to avoid a doctor appointment if I can.
Does anyone know if finasteride is redundant with dutasteride? I just figured it couldn't hurt.
You said nothing wrong Jill. You are one of the nicest and sweetest members on this forum. What you said wasn't anything wrong. You aren't remotely a bitchy person and all my interactions with you have been nothing but pleasent. Like I said early, I'm feeling very bad about myself lately and sometimes it comes out. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. I promise.
I'm more upset that I'm like a hurricane that only causes destruction and pain in my path. I'm sick of it. It seems all I am good for. And there is no good way to be a hurricane, you just continue causing hurt and pain wherever you go.
Quote from: Sephirah on April 28, 2014, 06:44:27 PM
Well, you could get a USB splitter or hub, giving you more ports. That would be considerably cheaper, even with the keyboard.
I've never heard of those and looked them up. I might have to get one unfortuantely.
I'm having trouble studying because I keep panicking.
Quote from: Malachite on April 28, 2014, 05:56:58 PM
my "r" button is slowly starting to give out. :(
Is it definitely the key itself or is there just a build up of dirt behind it? I had to take keys off, hoover and then put them back on every few months when there were animals around.
I'm not too sure. Three other keys have completely went out too one by one. I had one of the keys removed and my brother-in-law put an air compressor to it, but it still didn't fix the problem so it could be an issue with the laptop itself.
Quote from: Malachite on April 28, 2014, 07:11:37 PM
I've never heard of those and looked them up. I might have to get one unfortuantely.
USB hubs are pretty neat. They come in handy when you have to use a lot of USBs at one time.
Careful, USB hubs will make your computer start sprouting wires like an octopus.
I've felt very bleah all day. Very low energy, and an unsettled stomach. I hope I'm not coming down with something.
I think my run of bad luck and whatnot is finally getting to me. I've started getting panic attacks at work. I've never had them before in my entire life. I get this really deep feeling that I'm under a ton of pressure to succeed because my wife refuses to get a job. That it's all on me to be able to keep a roof over my family's heads, a deep sense of hopelessness, no sense of self worth at all and being trapped with no where to go. it causes me to end up crying at work.
Rainbow, I just saw your post and I understand that the pressure you are under is amazing. There is nothing like it in the world. I hope it will get better for you and try to hang in there. I hope your boss is understanding. Hugs whenever you need one.
Quote from: Rainbow Brite on April 29, 2014, 04:51:44 AM
I think my run of bad luck and whatnot is finally getting to me. I've started getting panic attacks at work. I've never had them before in my entire life. I get this really deep feeling that I'm under a ton of pressure to succeed because my wife refuses to get a job. That it's all on me to be able to keep a roof over my family's heads, a deep sense of hopelessness, no sense of self worth at all and being trapped with no where to go. it causes me to end up crying at work.
In any capitalistic society, economic security is the most important in maintaining a family, whether it is a rich or poor country. If it becomes indeed worse, then I am sure your wife will try to get a job.
In my case, fortunately, my wife has never had a need to get a job.
barbie~~
Quote from: Rainbow Brite on April 29, 2014, 04:51:44 AM
I think my run of bad luck and whatnot is finally getting to me. I've started getting panic attacks at work. I've never had them before in my entire life. I get this really deep feeling that I'm under a ton of pressure to succeed because my wife refuses to get a job. That it's all on me to be able to keep a roof over my family's heads, a deep sense of hopelessness, no sense of self worth at all and being trapped with no where to go. it causes me to end up crying at work.
You could get yourself fired and go on unemployment & welfare and otherwise become a ward of the state. Money for nothing! (sarcasm).
Ok Seriously, sounds like you need a vacation.
I take 6 month vacations when I get fired, lol
Quote from: ReaverMarcus on April 28, 2014, 08:03:43 PM
USB hubs are pretty neat. They come in handy when you have to use a lot of USBs at one time.
Yeah I do find myself needing more USB ports from time to time.
Quote from: JamesG on April 28, 2014, 08:09:16 PM
Careful, USB hubs will make your computer start sprouting wires like an octopus.
:D
Went out with my make up looking horrible, I felt like crap and couldn't wait to go home. Also I have a really bad headache
Today the court rejected my lawsuit for changing my ID, because I have no SRS... The funny thing is that the judge rejected the lawsuit without even scheduled a court case and a medical expertise, which is sort of illegal... And the funnier thing is that here, in Bulgaria, you cannot have HRT prescribed, nor performed SRS without changed ID... So, this made me unhappy... angry... laughing...
Of course, my lawyer will object and the case will go to higher level with three judges, but it is another delay, that prevents me from being able to change my bank accounts, working, etc... Just wonderful!
Well, it looks like another patch gone. A small hole developed on the tegaderm and water seeped into it, and then under the patch. I'm thinking I should just change it, and then ask the doctor to switch methods. Ugh, there isn't one that is particularly simple, is there? Orals wreck your liver if taken for extended periods of time, the patches fall off, injections are so far out of bounds that I'm surprised I even brought it up, while implants require a referral to a gynecologist, taking up more time and money I don't have. I don't know what to do and with the other things stressing me, I can't take it anymore.
I've been off my Tblocker and E for 10days now, feeling like crap. I'm losing my mojo.. my mind's a mess and I miss my family. I promised my wife I'd stop where I am but this is so hard. I don't get home until tomorrow night and then its only for 14 hrs before I go back out again. The only good, is I have 6days off after Sunday. 6 blessed days of being ignored, shunned, glared at and ridiculed.. I can hardly wait!
Quote from: Paula Christine on April 30, 2014, 09:12:31 AMI've been off my Tblocker and E for 10days now, feeling like crap. I'm losing my mojo.. my mind's a mess and I miss my family. I promised my wife I'd stop where I am but this is so hard. I don't get home until tomorrow night and then its only for 14 hrs before I go back out again. The only good, is I have 6days off after Sunday. 6 blessed days of being ignored, shunned, glared at and ridiculed.. I can hardly wait!
You poor girl, I wish I could help somehow.
The last episode of Supernatural is really very bad and I am disappointed.
Quote from: Lauren5 on April 30, 2014, 09:48:33 AM
You poor girl, I wish I could help somehow.
You are, hon... you are. <3
Quote from: Paula Christine on April 30, 2014, 10:33:23 AMYou are, hon... you are. <3
Doing the best I can, captain ;)
My mom got off work early....
Struggling to count right now. Working out correct change for people has been interesting so far
Think I've got the flu! :(
Spent most of the day in bed sick. All achy, tired and stiff neck.
Had to cancel client meeting but will have to go in tomorrow as don't trust quality of work when not in.
Sadly I have been proven right more times than I care to remember.
Kids think they know it all and are very unwilling to accept they are not right even when confronted with the facts.
Emotions and love make me unhappy...
my head's spinning while driving lately , been few days now
maybe i need to see doctor and have a test or something :(
Quote from: DianaVV on May 01, 2014, 05:14:12 AM
my head's spinning while driving lately , been few days now
maybe i need to see doctor and have a test or something :(
Not good, maybe a little vertigo? Better see the doctor hon!
Quote from: Emo on May 01, 2014, 05:07:01 AM
Emotions and love make me unhappy...
Me too, but chances of me admitting the love part are slim to none.
I'm sick and tired. I have to clean my apartment.
My good mood has turned. While I was in a good mood, I talked to him a lot. Stupid I know. It's only been a day since I last talked to him and I already miss him. This is pathetic and obsessive.
Diana, I hope you get it checked out and it's nothing major
///
bad body dysmorphia day today. it's unusually hot. I've decided that all my shorts are "girl" shorts. found a pair that will work and they make my hips look huge. Tried on a tank top. fell like the binder is totally obvious underneath. guess I'll go with a tee-shirt but for some reason I'm way upset the tank won't work. It's gonna be years maybe until I can have top surgery.
hmm... come back 45 minutes later to see this didn't post.
Bad cold. Horrible sore throat. Hurts to even breathe because the mucus in the throat rattles LOL...yeah.
i miss my dad. i think i'll message him. my parents divorce when i was 12 screwed me up, made me overly emotional in that regard so that just reading something about someone's parents makes me feel extremely depressed and sad. When you barely see someone anymore, when someone is almost completely out of your life, you mourn for them too.
I miss Indiana so much. Well, I suppose more than anything I really miss Keaira. Online chat is OK, but spending time with a person in real life is just a whole different ball game, you know? It just isn't the same.
But I liked Indiana in and of itself. Partly because it felt like a fresh start. Partly because I was in a smaller city and so there was just a lot less going on than there is here (more my speed, I hate cities).
The only thing I'd really miss about Canada is the mountains, and the health care.
My mum decided to tell me I should get along with "normal" people, that "I know well". Also hinted at the fact that there's something wrong with me if I want to go to a psychologist (but still won't let me go). Well, duh.
I've been contacted by somebody looking for "mature women in okcupid".
Basically, this is the worst thing I've been called. I know, this year I will make 32. I lie about my age by one year because I can't deal with it. Furthermore, at my age I'm a student again, I'm still single, and I can't guarantee my future, without a job and a home pending to be payed and still depending on my parents because I am damn poor to afford a car. Obviously, I'd live much better without transition costs...
Went to bed with a sore throat and sinuses. Woke up, ran to the toilet and puked. Managed to fall back asleep, woke up again, such horrible chills that I needed a t shirt, sweater, bathrobe, and THREE hefty blankets to make it stop and fall back asleep. I would have taken Tylenol if it wasn't for the upset stomach.
God this has been an awful week. No money and a toothache that I can't afford to see a dentist about. And I will not be paying my tuition on time. They won't kick me out (oh god can you imagine after seven years of making every payment, nearly done the masters?), but I will accrue interest charges. *sigh* I'm going to review my resume yet again because I can't understand why no one even gives me a call back.
The curse came back...
cut my foot
sore gum where tooth should be
its freezing cold :icon_ashamed: :icon_chainsaw:
People who hold back progress and education piss me off.
My laptop drives me crazy. It always shuts down on me because the blades of the CPU fan broke off, so it can't properly cool my system. I would just switch over to my tablet for good, but it's nice to have a big keyboard at times, plus I enjoy using Ubuntu (the os I'm running) which tends to allow faster multi tasking then a mobile os (plus you can do things side by side). However, I can't do much multi-tasking without the thing just heating up and turning off. If only I knew how to install a new fan, but even that's not so simple. The screen hinges are coming off one side, so it would likely be hard to put everything together. I don't want to switch over to android completely and just my tablet and phone, so I'm trying to put up with this. But when you are in the middle of something and it doesn't save everything you wrote it's just a pain.
Sorry, just had to bitch somewhere about this. I actually love my laptop and we've been through a lot together (I'm sentimental with it for this reason) but I wish it wouldn't randomly shut down when multi-tasking.
Quote from: learningtolive on May 04, 2014, 08:19:01 AM
It always shuts down on me because the blades of the CPU fan broke off, so it can't properly cool my system.
Mine does that. I've never taken it apart to find out why. I should, though. Anyway. I bought a small fan and have it clipped so it blows onto the laptop, either on the bottom or near the heat exhaust and that seems to reduce the problem significantly.
Dee
I really want to bite someone's face off.
Quote from: Edge on May 04, 2014, 09:14:13 AM
I really want to bite someone's face off.
Find someone in the hospitality or customer service industry, sadly most of us are use to it so it doesn't bother us. (You cop it so much it should be in the job description)
Quote from: immortal gypsy on May 04, 2014, 01:33:32 PM
Find someone in the hospitality or customer service industry, sadly most of us are use to it so it doesn't bother us. (You cop it so much it should be in the job description)
Nah I'll just watch gory movies.
Btw, I mean literally bite someone's face off Hannibal Lector style.
Quote from: Edge on May 04, 2014, 09:14:13 AM
I really want to bite someone's face off.
Saw it coming, swung my battle axe overhead at lightening speed cleaving center of crown to neck, blood hit the ceiling, splattering the walls and carpet and I thought "Time for lunch!" Alas the brain was an extremely undersized grey walnut thing, bitter and inedible. >:-)
Small seizure last night. Still not 100% this morning
I'm rarely one to moan about "safe spaces" (reminds me of annoying postmodernists and radfems too), but I feel like a lot of trans spaces are becoming unsafe for trans people.
Quote from: birkin on May 04, 2014, 04:25:37 PM
I'm rarely one to moan about "safe spaces" (reminds me of annoying postmodernists and radfems too), but I feel like a lot of trans spaces are becoming unsafe for trans people.
Well yeah, if you're going to have to worry about someone biting your face off or hacking your brains out. Pretty ghoulie stuff! :D
Quote from: birkin on May 04, 2014, 04:25:37 PM
I'm rarely one to moan about "safe spaces" (reminds me of annoying postmodernists and radfems too), but I feel like a lot of trans spaces are becoming unsafe for trans people.
I'm getting this impression too.
I went to the stylist today at Sweety's insistence. The stylist took more off than I wanted. She took off more than Sweety wanted.
There's a man looking at me, out of the mirror. He looks hard and angry.
I think I'm going to cry.
->-bleeped-<- job,->-bleeped-<- wages,->-bleeped-<- conditions ->-bleeped-<- people to work for don't give a ->-bleeped-<- anymore
Quote from: big kim on May 04, 2014, 05:01:40 PM
->-bleeped-<- job,->-bleeped-<- wages,->-bleeped-<- conditions ->-bleeped-<- people to work for don't give a ->-bleeped-<- anymore
Big Kim, been there standing in a world of ->-bleeped-<-, not fun! Things like that are always temporary and subject to change, sometimes you have to be the one to initiate it.
Quote from: Shantel on May 04, 2014, 05:07:55 PM
Big Kim, been there standing in a world of ->-bleeped-<-, not fun! Things like that are always temporary and subject to change, sometimes you have to be the one to initiate it.
+1
OMG! my dysphoria went into hyperdrive today. i was walking to the store, i had a sudden rush of jealously i nearly started crying and even got bad enough i almost vomited. very upsetting day :'(
Quote from: Umiko Nixie on May 04, 2014, 06:16:02 PM
OMG! my dysphoria went into hyperdrive today. i was walking to the store, i had a sudden rush of jealously i nearly started crying and even got bad enough i almost vomited. very upsetting day :'(
Poor Umi,
I couldn't say it better than that saying at the bottom of your page dear.
i'm suppose to be like water, calm, cool and open minded but i cant shake the feeling that i'm like a raging river right now and nothing but disaster is about to happen. ugh! just feel like crawling into a hole and dying .-.
mother's having one of her weird moments again. claims it's tuesday, claims that i'm playing my guitar too loud (i'm using headphones, so i won't bother anyone), claims i'm shouting at her when i'm not, everything bothers her. what the hell is going on with her again?
raining all day , all night .. freezing cold , i couldnt take my dog out to exercise in the park , oh and he has sore feet too :'(
Quote from: Umiko Nixie on May 04, 2014, 06:23:28 PM
i'm suppose to be like water, calm, cool and open minded but i cant shake the feeling that i'm like a raging river right now and nothing but disaster is about to happen. ugh! just feel like crawling into a hole and dying .-.
Hugs Umiko chan :(
Im sure you ll be calm again thats how the sea is :)
and it will get better the more you walk this path the calmer you will feel...
it just takes a lot of patience as you might ve already realised ... :/
i miss my sister
Sorry about yesterday's rant I'd had a crap day at work, 07 00 til 22 15 no break,no meals, what was supposed to be a 30 minute job to fix a leaky pipe took 5 hours
Realizing that some people simply won't like you. It's hard for me to deal with. I try to win everyone over, but ultimately it's not possible. Some people won't like you and will think bad things about who you are. It's just that simple. I wish I could handle that, but I can't. I try to be nice to everyone, try to support them, try to comfort people, but my best is never good enough and that causes pain. I'm tired of not being able to have my own independent emotions because I always just get hurt in the end. Why am I such a weirdo that cares so much about what other's think? And why do I care so much about other people in general? I wish I could just be mean and selfish at times, so I wouldn't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. Anyway, nothing to do but lick my wounds and move forward hoping that I will have learned something in the end.
Quote from: big kim on May 05, 2014, 01:52:33 AM
Sorry about yesterday's rant I'd had a crap day at work, 07 00 til 22 15 no break,no meals, what was supposed to be a 30 minute job to fix a leaky pipe took 5 hours
Under the circumstances the rant was warranted, I have those crapo days too and everyone stops their ears and runs for cover, you're only human Kim!
Nothing serious, just annoying. I was trying on my female outfit and accidentally tore a hole in my pantihose (my pencil skirt covers the hole but not the tears below it). I'll need to wait till I get paid this Friday before I can buy more pairs, so I'll have to make do for this Thursday's Chameleons meeting. And my wig could never arrive soon enough.
Quote from: learningtolive on May 05, 2014, 08:45:07 AM
Realizing that some people simply won't like you. It's hard for me to deal with. I try to win everyone over, but ultimately it's not possible. Some people won't like you and will think bad things about who you are. It's just that simple. I wish I could handle that, but I can't. I try to be nice to everyone, try to support them, try to comfort people, but my best is never good enough and that causes pain. I'm tired of not being able to have my own independent emotions because I always just get hurt in the end. Why am I such a weirdo that cares so much about what other's think? And why do I care so much about other people in general? I wish I could just be mean and selfish at times, so I wouldn't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. Anyway, nothing to do but lick my wounds and move forward hoping that I will have learned something in the end.
^This^
There are always going to be people who won't see things my way and/or actively dislike me. I
spent wasted too many years trying to please everyone, especially when it didn't feel right. The day I stopped caring about what people thought of me, started living authentically and being true to myself was one of the greatest days of my life. I don't feel selfish or mean, I feel like I am finally myself now and I'm not making any excuses for it. I am always here to help, even if I have to tell you something you don't really want to hear. I also realize that some people are beyond my ability to help. There are also plenty of people out there who aren't going to accept me no matter what for whatever reason. They weren't going to be my friend anyway, so screw 'em.
I think you're a wonderful person with a great heart, and I like you FWIW.
The ratio of feedback for the pretty girls in the do I pass thread and the ugly ones.
Who needs more help and support?
Quote from: FalseHybridPrincess on May 05, 2014, 01:36:24 AM
Hugs Umiko chan :(
Im sure you ll be calm again thats how the sea is :)
and it will get better the more you walk this path the calmer you will feel...
it just takes a lot of patience as you might ve already realised ... :/
Thnx hun. I'm feeling better though my day today is far from happy. Guess i'm still an unsettling wave
Quote from: RobinGee on May 05, 2014, 02:30:44 PMThe ratio of feedback for the pretty girls in the do I pass thread and the ugly ones.
Who needs more help and support?
I've taken up to avoiding that thread.
My city is cutting a popular bus route that helped me get to school. I was considering going back to school in the future, but without that particular route, I can't get there. -sigh- I hate where I live....
Super super anxious, still no reply about the job. I should have heard back yesterday, they told me I would hear from them on Monday.
I want to keep applying, but this was so perfect of an opportunity. 30% off shoes, even clearance!
Like, I have to have these (http://www.dsw.com/shoe/report+signature+zesta+sandal?prodId=dsw12prod5240007&brand=dsw12brand13900010&activeCats=women,dsw12brand13900010&isBrand=y&categoryName=women), even if 11 is the largest size, I will make them fit.
Quote from: RobinGee on May 05, 2014, 02:30:44 PM
The ratio of feedback for the pretty girls in the do I pass thread and the ugly ones.
Who needs more help and support?
Just human nature. Even we aren't immune to it. Sad, I know.
I just received a recruitment call for a politician that I once worked for. It was cold and impersonal with a general script. Not to mention the fact that they constantly send me requests for donations and invitations to fundraisers. To be honest, I find that hurtful given my history with that campaign and the politician themselves. I really gave my heart and soul to them. In this case, there really was blood, sweat and tears. Leaving it all I felt was the sense that I was taken for granted. Yes, I did get a letter of rec and have something on my resume, but I felt so taken advantage of for what I gave them and the indifference that was shown to me in return. Like it was expected of to go above and beyond with nothing in return. In any case, I will likely vote for them because I believe in doing what I feel is the right thing, but it hurts to have been so forgotten by someone that I worked so hard to get re-elected. It's hurtful.
Still no response from the job. I'm getting to the point thinking that they're not going to respond because I didn't get it.
I was so stupid a few days ago. Sat. electro work, lots. I thought all was fine. Sunday afternoon I laid out in the sun, one piece bathing suit & got too much sun on my face. It swelled up big time, almost scarry so puffy. Now it's done some but still puffy after a day or two of Ice bag treatment.
That was really stupid getting sun on my sensitive face.
Quote from: Lauren5 on May 07, 2014, 02:52:47 PM
Still no response from the job. I'm getting to the point thinking that they're not going to respond because I didn't get it.
Don't you believe it! I gave up on a job, took another and three weeks later, that job, the job of my dreams came through. I told the nice people at Macy's that I really, really liked working for them, but I couldn't pass up this other.
I've been doing that dream job for almost six years now.
Plenty, but, to add on top of it, even though I'm only outdoors for 20 mins usually each day (Not counting sat's usually), this damn pollen has given me a sinus infection which has left my nose half stopped up (so I can't half breath), running more than usual, my throat sore and feeling like I'm thirsty all the time. It got worse after I got home and finally I admitted to myself, I must have a sinus infection. To make matters worse, I have no cold medicine to take.. I guess, I may have to ask my Dad or neighbor to get me some if I wake up tomorrow and it hasn't magically gone away by then. -_- Oh and did I mention pollen usually doesn't affect me much, let alone in this way? Yea.. (Though that may be because I used to stay in doors all the time..)
Quote from: Dee Marshall on May 07, 2014, 08:03:55 PM
Don't you believe it! I gave up on a job, took another and three weeks later, that job, the job of my dreams came through. I told the nice people at Macy's that I really, really liked working for them, but I couldn't pass up this other.
I've been doing that dream job for almost six years now.
That's reassuring. I'm applying for one that I *really* want right now myself, and if I don't get it I will actually feel pretty bad.
Quote from: Dee Marshall on May 07, 2014, 08:03:55 PMDon't you believe it! I gave up on a job, took another and three weeks later, that job, the job of my dreams came through. I told the nice people at Macy's that I really, really liked working for them, but I couldn't pass up this other.
I've been doing that dream job for almost six years now.
I'm not looking for anything long term, just for the summer, and since they replied only two days after I sent my application and got another interview in two more days, I assumed that meant that they were going to have me start soon, should they choose me. I just need to get a paycheck, any paycheck, right now, so I can go and actually buy food to cook with instead of living off all these leftovers and microwaveable meals I had that people gave to me. And to not feel so housebound.
Getting so angry since I went off anti depressants. Having trouble being calm at all today.
Found an issue at work yesterday.
We have two options available which I advised the client can be done.
They want a third.
I am not allowed to do the third due to a global directive and would put my job on the line.
Right from the beginning I told them I could not do this and they still don't get it.
6 times I told them and they keep insisting on the third when it is not an option and wont be.
I think I need to get a hardware catalogue to find out what kind of a tool this person is. >:(
my hair dryer just hit my face :'(
Have a suspicion I'm going to spend the night in emergency. Annoying epilepsy :(
Quote from: @Diana on May 08, 2014, 04:00:17 AMmy hair dryer just hit my face :'(
What? o.0
I'm sorry, that's a little funny :P
Quote from: immortal gypsy on May 08, 2014, 04:46:13 AM
Have a suspicion I'm going to spend the night in emergency. Annoying epilepsy :(
really sorry, Gypsy, I hope you can dodge it today! Hugs, sis.
My mom is back from her trip to Europe (not a metaphor), couple days now, and I am sure, she will not speak to me anyway, because I'm trans. Tho I have told my family I will .. remain.. as the form I was born as, I believe I have still lost many of my family. 16 days off my (herbal) hormones and I'm really messed up inside.
Quote from: Jenny07 on May 08, 2014, 03:51:14 AM
I think I need to get a hardware catalogue to find out what kind of a tool this person is. >:(
A good while ago a got a tool I needed at Lowes and they called it a compost fork. The old time farmers had a name for this sort of tool they used to clean up the cow barn. Um, no, I was not looking for "pitch fork." That would seem to fit...
Erin
I have spent my entire day making phone calls for something that has nothing to do with my job while my members were ignored because we all have to "help out" it just annoys me because when I started nobody helped me with my 90 new members grrrrrrrrrrr
Quote from: Paula Christine on May 08, 2014, 01:15:35 PM
really sorry, Gypsy, I hope you can dodge it today! Hugs, sis.
I tried, I woke up in hospital and ended up having my phone stolen while I was semi concious
Quote from: Paula Christine on May 08, 2014, 01:15:35 PM
My mom is back from her trip to Europe (not a metaphor), couple days now, and I am sure, she will not speak to me anyway, because I'm trans. Tho I have told my family I will .. remain.. as the form I was born as, I believe I have still lost many of my family. 16 days off my (herbal) hormones and I'm really messed up inside.
Hopefully you and your mother start talking soon
Sorry you ended up in the hospital gypsy. Hope you can head home soon.
//
I have a sinus infection. Bleh
Quote from: immortal gypsy on May 08, 2014, 08:01:23 PM
I tried, I woke up in hospital and ended up having my phone stolen while I was semi concious
Hopefully you and your mother start talking soon
That sucks, get well honey!
darn tera online isnt letting me log into my game -.-
Broke my fingernail today. This time almost down to the bed. There's already a bunch of krazy glue holding it together and I'm afraid it's going to be a complete loss soon.
First world problems. I know... STFU Jill!
Quote from: Jill F on May 08, 2014, 08:27:56 PM
Broke my fingernail today. This time almost down to the bed. There's already a bunch of krazy glue holding it together and I'm afraid it's going to be a complete loss soon.
First world problems. I know... STFU Jill!
I like the odd first world problem thanks for making me smile something I needed right now
been raining all day all night, i HATE rain
oops forgot to buy condense milk too :icon_blah:
Quote from: christopher on May 08, 2014, 08:12:28 PM
Sorry you ended up in the hospital gypsy. Hope you can head home soon.
//
I have a sinus infection. Bleh
Quote from: Shantel on May 08, 2014, 08:23:55 PM
That sucks, get well honey!
Thank you you time fir someone to go to bed
Why is the sun shining oh so bright as bright as bright can be?
plagiarizing the walrus and the carpenter
Quote from: Lauren5 on May 08, 2014, 01:06:24 PM
What? o.0
I'm sorry, that's a little funny :P
oops just saw this
yes it was funny .. i did laughed at maself too :P
@Gypsy, hope you are feeling better now :)
Mowed my lawn yesterday and blew the fir needles and twigs off my patio, got the patio half pressure washed when the @#&*! machine broke down for good and it started pouring down rain. I'll have to learn to pace myself in the future because my entire body is killing me now that I'm older and no longer have my former strength and endurance.
Quote from: Paula Christine on April 30, 2014, 09:12:31 AM
I've been off my Tblocker and E for 10days now, feeling like crap. I'm losing my mojo.. my mind's a mess and I miss my family. I promised my wife I'd stop where I am but this is so hard. I don't get home until tomorrow night and then its only for 14 hrs before I go back out again. The only good, is I have 6days off after Sunday. 6 blessed days of being ignored, shunned, glared at and ridiculed.. I can hardly wait!
*hugs* im sorry to hear that. When I couldnt afford spiro and E, it screwed with my self perception really badly. My appearance would somehow feel distorted or disjointed somehow when I looked in the mirror. :(
This past Tuesday I had my first ever anxiety attack. It happened at work and I ended up being prescribed Zoloft.
I was also given medical leave. None of my so called friends at work even called to find out if I was okay. Instead, it was a girl I barely talk to on the line who looked for me on facebook and asked if i was okay
Rainbow, sorry you had the anxiety attack, sis.. It's .. Strange.. Funny.. Ironic.. that the one that took a real interest in how you were was a girl too... maybe you two can be closer friends, at least, closer than your other friends that don't seem to care. Maybe, you've just gained a new sister, or just closer friend. We can always use a closer friend.
I hope you are able to self soothe, let your friends, here, and new friend there, smile to you, help you relax a bit.
GRRRR. I keep calling human resources for one of my old jobs and this woman is never able to answer her phone or reply to my messages. I NEED to change my name with them so I can list this job on my job history. What blows is that I have to keep going through customer service since their number isn't listed for HR. I'm starting to get really PO'd because I can't have a huge gap in my job history, but I can't list this as one of my jobs without them having a record of the name change.
I'm almost getting to the point where I want to be like, you know what, screw this. I'll list on the job application that I used to be *extremely feminine name that is only ever given to women EVER* and either get my application thrown in the trash before I get a chance, or humiliate myself in front of my new boss.
I also woke up at 2:20 am and have not been able to fall asleep since...it's now 10 am. That is probably part of the reason I am so hostile. But I can't sleep because I am awake thinking about how I have no money and want to get this new job so badly because it really is a great fit. Unemployment is making me so depressed, I'm not meant to live this way, it's been 5 months now and I feel like a total loser and failure. Like my life is off track and will never get better.
Quote from: birkin on May 09, 2014, 11:07:31 AM
GRRRR. I keep calling human resources for one of my old jobs and this woman is never able to answer her phone or reply to my messages. I NEED to change my name with them so I can list this job on my job history. What blows is that I have to keep going through customer service since their number isn't listed for HR. I'm starting to get really PO'd because I can't have a huge gap in my job history, but I can't list this as one of my jobs without them having a record of the name change.
I'm almost getting to the point where I want to be like, you know what, screw this. I'll list on the job application that I used to be *extremely feminine name that is only ever given to women EVER* and either get my application thrown in the trash before I get a chance, or humiliate myself in front of my new boss.
I also woke up at 2:20 am and have not been able to fall asleep since...it's now 10 am. That is probably part of the reason I am so hostile. But I can't sleep because I am awake thinking about how I have no money and want to get this new job so badly because it really is a great fit. Unemployment is making me so depressed, I'm not meant to live this way, it's been 5 months now and I feel like a total loser and failure. Like my life is off track and will never get better.
No-one is ever truly stealth, we all need to get over that idea because employers and HR people do background checks, there's always going to be something to raise a flag or flags. Best to lay it all out up front along with any accolades from previous employment and if they value you for your capabilities over trans issues then good, if they have an Ewww moment, then you don't want to work for them anyway because they will pull that Ewwww crap on you at some later date and let you go under the guise of some pretense BS. You don't want to work for them anyway, so you may as well put it all out there and prequalify them as a potential employer in the process. It can work both ways.
Quote from: Paula Christine on May 09, 2014, 10:57:48 AM
Rainbow, sorry you had the anxiety attack, sis.. It's .. Strange.. Funny.. Ironic.. that the one that took a real interest in how you were was a girl too... maybe you two can be closer friends, at least, closer than your other friends that don't seem to care. Maybe, you've just gained a new sister, or just closer friend. We can always use a closer friend.
I hope you are able to self soothe, let your friends, here, and new friend there, smile to you, help you relax a bit.
I don't know.. she could only be interested in getting the truth and gossiping... I don't know her well enough. I was supposed to be at work today but I took the Zoloft for the first time and it made me drowsy. I have to get used to it I guess. But I can't operate overhead cranes like my job requires and do it safely with my head in a fog. It's not safe. So I'm returning on Monday. But just the drive to work made my stomach knot up.
Quote from: birkin on May 09, 2014, 11:07:31 AM
GRRRR. I keep calling human resources for one of my old jobs and this woman is never able to answer her phone or reply to my messages. I NEED to change my name with them so I can list this job on my job history. What blows is that I have to keep going through customer service since their number isn't listed for HR. I'm starting to get really PO'd because I can't have a huge gap in my job history, but I can't list this as one of my jobs without them having a record of the name change.
I'm almost getting to the point where I want to be like, you know what, screw this. I'll list on the job application that I used to be *extremely feminine name that is only ever given to women EVER* and either get my application thrown in the trash before I get a chance, or humiliate myself in front of my new boss.
I also woke up at 2:20 am and have not been able to fall asleep since...it's now 10 am. That is probably part of the reason I am so hostile. But I can't sleep because I am awake thinking about how I have no money and want to get this new job so badly because it really is a great fit. Unemployment is making me so depressed, I'm not meant to live this way, it's been 5 months now and I feel like a total loser and failure. Like my life is off track and will never get better.
*hugs*
You will find a job. Right now, you don't have anything to lose by applying. If they find out, so what? As Shan said, you'll know then whether you want to work for them or not. It sucks, I know, But I know that having to choose between outing yourself and applying for a job you know you'll excelle at is really getting to you. You can do this! you're hard working and very smart! But I think you care too much about what strangers think of you. Besides, you can ask HR not to violate your privacy and keep things quiet about your past.
Same here.. With my job, Zoloft, or anything like it is disqualifying for a min of 30days..
Yeah, she may be just fishing for info, I would hope not.. but see if she would just be a friend for a while.. You might be able to ferret out if she's genuine, or searching..
I hope you feel better soon. Hugs, Paula
btw, your avatar, is that from Sims or some game?
Quote from: Paula Christine on May 09, 2014, 01:13:39 PM
Same here.. With my job, Zoloft, or anything like it is disqualifying for a min of 30days..
Yeah, she may be just fishing for info, I would hope not.. but see if she would just be a friend for a while.. You might be able to ferret out if she's genuine, or searching..
I hope you feel better soon. Hugs, Paula
btw, your avatar, is that from Sims or some game?
Thank you.
I don't know where my Avatar is from. I'm guessing it was from a CGI animation. I just thought she looked great! ^_^
i'm most likely going to have a massive heart attack tonight. my sister invite me out with her friends to dinner and its all girls!
That sounds like a wonderful time!!
Wonderful my foot lol. Imma end up im the ICU
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 09, 2014, 04:04:40 PM
Wonderful my foot lol. Imma end up im the ICU
Lest you have friends irl, I don't. lol So enjoy the time together, don't worry about things too much.
Quote from: Shana-chan on May 09, 2014, 05:19:17 PM
Lest you have friends irl, I don't. lol So enjoy the time together, don't worry about things too much.
Not my friends. I was only invite brcuz my sister had an extra ticket. Why she choose me is deyond me lol
Quote from: Shantel on May 09, 2014, 12:26:37 PM
No-one is ever truly stealth, we all need to get over that idea because employers and HR people do background checks, there's always going to be something to raise a flag or flags. Best to lay it all out up front along with any accolades from previous employment and if they value you for your capabilities over trans issues then good, if they have an Ewww moment, then you don't want to work for them anyway because they will pull that Ewwww crap on you at some later date and let you go under the guise of some pretense BS. You don't want to work for them anyway, so you may as well put it all out there and prequalify them as a potential employer in the process. It can work both ways.
I know, but at the very least I'd prefer they not know my girl name. I don't know, I feel very uncomfortable with the representation out there about trans men, and I hate the idea of being lumped into that category. But I can't assume that the HR lady isn't going to change it. She may just be terrible about answering her phone. I'll keep trying. And in any case - in time, probably after my next job, those old jobs will be obsolete and I won't have to list them anymore.
Quote from: Rainbow Brite on May 09, 2014, 01:11:04 PM
*hugs*
You will find a job. Right now, you don't have anything to lose by applying. If they find out, so what? As Shan said, you'll know then whether you want to work for them or not. It sucks, I know, But I know that having to choose between outing yourself and applying for a job you know you'll excelle at is really getting to you. You can do this! you're hard working and very smart! But I think you care too much about what strangers think of you. Besides, you can ask HR not to violate your privacy and keep things quiet about your past.
I guess it does boil down to a fear of what others think of me. But my past experiences of being outed to people, as you know, have been *extremely* unpleasant...I'd rather someone look me in the eyes and tell me they think I'm a sicko and going to burn in hell, than tell me that they accept me as a man and go on to subtly treat me like a woman or like a second class man. Or to support me in the form of valorizing my medical condition. I'd rather deal straight up with an idiot and reject them than deal with someone who makes insidious, veiled comments that are harder to directly attack.
I feel somewhat better now that I've taken a nap. I didn't enjoy waking up to more dog puke on my bed, but eh. I needed to wash the blanket anyway.
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 09, 2014, 05:21:58 PM
Not my friends. I was only invite brcuz my sister had an extra ticket. Why she choose me is deyond me lol
I see. Well, perhaps she invited you so you can spend time with them and get to know them. Maybe become their friend? :) Please remember to breath, stay calm and don't over think things and just have fun. Hope you let us know how it goes.
tailgating drivers made me unhappy .. &#%%#^&&*@
Mah face looks like hamburger after electro today. I had my usual electrologist's daughter do it today and she isn't as slick.
Now I can't go anywhere until maybe tomorrow afternoon.
I did a destructive recovery hoping it might fix the problem with some of my keys. It didn't. I'll have to take it to a shop. -sigh-
i was told for the umtenth time to calm down today -.- you never tell a girl to calm down! when will people finally get that
I have tiny hands and stubby fingers.
Also, I have a headache.
Quote from: Edge on May 10, 2014, 12:27:04 AM
I have tiny hands and stubby fingers.
Also, I have a headache.
xD edge, what you do this time? lol
Not get enough sleep probably.
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 09, 2014, 11:23:49 PM
i was told for the umtenth time to calm down today -.- you never tell a girl to calm down! when will people finally get that
The same time they get that "Just do what you want to do" means "You know what you should be doing and if you don't you will pay"
Hope you are feeling less stressed and uptight and more calm, or slowly getting there
Nearly 100% of the time, when I wake up, I feel like a guy and today is no exception but add to that seeing a guy in the mirror. :( While I like Gender benders, I myself hate being one of them because I only want to be and feel 100% female. :( I hate this...
Being the only "guy" in a group of six other women
Youtube won't let me sign in, even after I changed my password.
All the cute guys are taken, not like they'd want anything to do with me anyways, beyond just being friends.
I gained weight... :c
Apparently the frequency my voice is around 130 Hz. That's definitely male range (around the middle of the average range of cis males), but it still sounds so high to me? Like it sounds like a woman's voice. And I feel very depressed about it.
I am so upset & this is terrible news!!! NYC Expert Last lipstick caps keep falling off & making a mess in my purse. Terrible lipstick.
Quote from: FrancisAnn on May 10, 2014, 08:38:16 PM
I am so upset & this is terrible news!!! NYC Expert Last lipstick caps keep falling off & making a mess in my purse. Terrible lipstick.
My Mama had a bag which was for holding make up, something like this might help you. That or, find a different brand of lip stick or somehow fix the caps. Hope that helps even if only a little.
I was just having fun a little but it is irriating. I moved this lipstick to a seperate compartment. Thanks, GF.
Yup, small makeup bags are fairly cheap and easy to come by and many companies will include one along with their makeup specials 8)
Saves the frustration of putting your hand in a muck of mess in your fav. purse and you've got everything together nice and tidy ;)
i have to detox! -.- cant eat my soild food until after my endo appointment. need to go with my system fully flushed so i can get the most accurate results
It's mothers day, always been a sad reminder of never being able to be a mother.
Quote from: Serenation on May 10, 2014, 10:03:27 PM
It's mothers day, always been a sad reminder of never being able to be a mother.
now that you mention is, it is rather upsetting and unfair. was trying not to think about it but i guess it will become unavoidable
Mothers day is always a sad time and has little to no meaning for me.
Lost my mum in a car accident I was in when I was 9.
How different things would have been. :'(
today my 2nd brother (my oldest brother passed away 4 years ago) took my whole family including my 3rd brother , my younger sister , my mum & my dad out to my mum's birth place , to have lunch there (few hours drive from Bangkok) ..
and I'm here in another country , I wish I was there with them now
Quote from: Jenny07 on May 10, 2014, 10:21:23 PM
Mothers day is always a sad time and has little to no meaning for me.
Lost my mum in a car accident I was in when I was 9.
How different things would have been. :'(
Awww, that's so sad. :'( :icon_hug:
I hate being called "cute." I hate being seen as "cute." I want to be seen as me.
I act too girly. Yes, I know the whole speech about how I shouldn't care. The problem is though that people zoom in on any girly behaviour and that's all they see. They don't see me.
I have feelings. Feelings are problematic.
Quote from: @Diana on May 11, 2014, 01:11:34 AM
today my 2nd brother (my oldest brother passed away 4 years ago) took my whole family including my 3rd brother , my younger sister , my mum & my dad out to my mum's birth place , to have lunch there (few hours drive from Bangkok) ..
and I'm here in another country , I wish I was there with them now
These times are always so difficult to deal with emotionally, we can always hope they are in a much happier place as most of us intrinsically know that this place here is only a short hyphen for us in eternity as this is basic to all religious beliefs. My girl cousin's husband died unexpectedly today, he was a kind and generous soul and I loved him as a friend.
Having to miss church because I have to work. :(
Stupid dark thoughts gnawing at my mind
Quote from: Edge on May 11, 2014, 01:18:27 AM
I hate being called "cute." I hate being seen as "cute." I want to be seen as me.
I act too girly. Yes, I know the whole speech about how I shouldn't care. The problem is though that people zoom in on any girly behaviour and that's all they see. They don't see me.
I have feelings. Feelings are problematic.
I can really relate to this, especially the bolded parts.
I tend to fantasize scenarios when something big is coming up, it could go this way, it could go that. You know.
Next big one is coming out to my wife and I feel the need to put it off until next month while I prepare with my therapist.
Today I only seem to be able to come up with ridiculous disaster scenarios I won't even dignify by repeating. I hate when I catastrophize! Feeling really dysphoric, too. The little things I do to ease that off are just making it worse today.
Don't know if it's better or worse that I'm at work.
Quote from: @Diana on May 11, 2014, 02:21:42 AM
oops I called you cute in another thread, didnt mean to hurt your feeling ... :o
I know and it's ok. People generally mean it as a compliment, but to me, being called cute is emasculating. It's not as bad as being called effeminate, but it still makes me cringe.
Happy f-ing Mother's Day. May she one day feel the full brunt of my hatred for her.
I was looking at the national suicide rate and noticed that the state I live in consistently ranks in at the top 5th-6th highest percent in the nation :P Wonderful, very comforting
Shantel, I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs for you and your sister!
I'm sad because its Mother's Day and my mom and I aren't speaking, my sister either. And my MIL hates me for breaking her daughters heart.. now if I can only get my godmother to hate me too, it'd be a perfect day. :(
Quote from: Paula Christine on May 11, 2014, 09:42:15 AM
Shantel, I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs for you and your sister!
Thanks Paula you are very kind, it's the circle of life!
Quote from: Paula Christine on May 11, 2014, 09:42:15 AM
I'm sad because its Mother's Day and my mom and I aren't speaking, my sister either. And my MIL hates me for breaking her daughters heart.. now if I can only get my godmother to hate me too, it'd be a perfect day. :(
We all go through it, I didn't speak to or see my mom and sister for ten years for the same reasons no doubt and my youngest son changed his last name over it and we haven't seen him in years. Mom and sis eventually got past it and we buried the axe and had some wonderful hugs.
Many many many things that I won't really delve into, except for two.
Getting hospital bills that my insurance isn't picking up, and I'm too scared to call my insurance.
Having to pretty much decide between school and transition for the next year in less than 12 hours. I can't continue both. I can try to appeal the decision to put off future enrolment until August 2015 and try to get summer classes, but I pretty much have to get a 4.0 in all of them to save me. Dad thinks it's best if I pause transition while I try to, but I think it'd only make everything worse. Really really makes me feel like a failure at life.
can't figure out why i started spotting every month o.o
shantel I'm sorry you lost someone you cared about
///
got an email from my brother.
WHY. Everyone else seems to think I sound male, but I just recorded a custom voicemail message and I honestly hear a woman. I can't hear anything else. I mean, am I just screwed up in the head?? So deluded by my own dysphoria? My voice is deep but I hear the feminine "sing song" in it...
Quote from: birkin on May 12, 2014, 03:03:42 AM
WHY. Everyone else seems to think I sound male, but I just recorded a custom voicemail message and I honestly hear a woman. I can't hear anything else. I mean, am I just screwed up in the head?? So deluded by my own dysphoria? My voice is deep but I hear the feminine "sing song" in it...
Yup, probably a head thing, we talked about this and how M & F alike are fooled by their own brain's long term perception of self. It should change over time.
Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 11, 2014, 10:55:46 PM
can't figure out why i started spotting every month o.o
Have you seen a doctor? If not, please do.
Quote from: Edge on May 12, 2014, 09:35:02 AM
Have you seen a doctor? If not, please do.
i noticed it a few months ago. never really thought it was serious since it only little bit but imma tell my endo wednesday
This was more yesterday, but I've been noticing a huge increase in my social phobia lately and it's making things harder. When I went out with my family (two sisters and mom) yesterday for Mother's day, I felt like I stood out in a big way. The fact that I'm easily the tallest (5"11) really highlights how hard it's going to be for me to blend. I felt like everyone was staring at me playing the "what is that" game. To make things harder my waiter suggested that I was one of the three sisters while we were taking the photo. While I realize that should be a compliment for me, it made me feel awkward as I was in male presentation and look so freakish compared to my sisters. I don't know. People are noticing the changes even more, but I still don't really feel like I blend either way. I'm just a walking joke. I hate being in between genders all the time. It makes me feel uncomfortable. And there seems to be no solution whether I try to look male or female, I'm just a mix at the moment at it sucks for me. I'm just tired of all the eyes that I feel on me and the guessing of my gender. Just leave me be.
LTL I'm 5'11 and don't have issues. I'm not saying people wont stare at you, they will. people stare at tall girls all the time. You just have to learn to accept that. Embrace it and rock it.
Today I struggle because I am a nice loyal reliable person and honest, but I really have trouble communicating and expressing myself in ways that don't make me sound like a bitch. I wish I was better at expressing myself in words.
Quote from: Serenation on May 12, 2014, 10:18:56 AM
LTL I'm 5'11 and don't have issues. I'm not saying people wont stare at you, they will. people stare at tall girls all the time. You just have to learn to accept that. Embrace it and rock it.
Today I struggle because I am a nice loyal reliable person and honest, but I really have trouble communicating and expressing myself in ways that don't make me sound like a bitch. I wish I was better at expressing myself in words.
It's just that I hate being stared at. If I was convinced that I blended, then I could accept being tall. But as of now, I'm like this genderless being that everyone is looking at. And neither side of the gender spectrum is convincing due to my appearance. Plus, when I am around my sister's I jsut feel like I must look so weird compared to them. It's just hard for me to deal with and I'm sick of all these eyes on me. I can't wait for it to all go back to being normal. Where I know I'm blending in and don't have to worry about everything. But seriously, I don't think that's going to happen and I'll have to deal with things as they are.
I remember that in between stage, it royally was a pain. It does pass though it lasts for different lengths of time for each individual.
Mostly it made me unhappy yesterday.
My father came here to install a towel bar (I don't have a drill), and gave me a small bag from my mother. What was inside?
Male underwear I never took away when I left. ¿Now? More than a year into HRT transition? I only wear that when I am cycling and I can't tuck.
locked myself out my house today o:
Quote from: AppleJack on May 12, 2014, 12:19:37 PMMostly it made me unhappy yesterday.
My father came here to install a towel bar (I don't have a drill), and gave me a small bag from my mother. What was inside?
Male underwear I never took away when I left. ¿Now? More than a year into HRT transition? I only wear that when I am cycling and I can't tuck.
The only male underwear I want is ones I entered a contest for. Signed by Cristiano Ronaldo. I don't care that he plays for the evil enemy, he's still sexy as hell, and putting those up on my wall would make me look awesome 8)
Other than that, I got rid of all mine.
And to add more poop to this week, my last patch fell off. 48 days, 12 patches. And the doctor didn't renew the prescription for another month like she said she would. I'll have to call her today and hope I can get a hold of her. I may have to also switch to an oral, which isn't as effective. On top of that no word back still from jobs, I've got to apply to more now and hope they can get back soon so I can go buy food soon, I'm running out, and I can't rely on just me roommate to buy things for the both of us.
I just found out that yet another friend of mine recently passed away. I don't know too many details, but I have a pretty good guess as to what happened.
my transitioning plans are put on hold until i find a new therapist. starting to hate my life right now
Quote from: Jill F on May 13, 2014, 03:11:42 PM
I just found out that yet another friend of mine recently passed away. I don't know too many details, but I have a pretty good guess as to what happened.
Really sucks doesn't it hon? ((Hugs))
Quote from: Jill F on May 13, 2014, 03:11:42 PM
I just found out that yet another friend of mine recently passed away. I don't know too many details, but I have a pretty good guess as to what happened.
"Multiple drug intoxication." I suppose it's pretty irrelevent as to which ones they were now. Probable suicide due to the fact his longtime girlfriend unexpectedly dumped him two days before. I swear my list of departed friends is getting far too long for my taste. It always seems to be either drugs or suicide, too.
An unspoken issue. :(
I'm having a privacy freakout due to a dating site that due to reading data from FB, old hotmail contacts, etc, is linking everybody through a "you are linked to this person by means of this one". And then I saw my brother, info taken from his FB profile, but linked across his email address stored in my old mail account which I used for the dating site.
I have a major issue, and it is that I did not build a new identity from scratch. My google account and microsoft one remain, and have far too many important services connected, specially the microsoft certifications
Quote from: Julia (Apple-Whatever) on May 13, 2014, 05:11:44 PM
I'm having a privacy freakout due to a dating site that due to reading data from FB, old hotmail contacts, etc, is linking everybody through a "you are linked to this person by means of this one". And then I saw my brother, info taken from his FB profile, but linked across his email address stored in my old mail account which I used for the dating site.
I have a major issue, and it is that I did not build a new identity from scratch. My google account and microsoft one remain, and have far too many important services connected, specially the microsoft certifications
Too bad, Google and Facebook are the most privacy intrusive sites on the face of the earth, more so than America's National Security Agency.
Was at Starbucks with my spouse talking to a lady friend and suddenly she went off about transexuals and went on and on. I didn't say anything, just let her mouth overload her ass. Kinda sad though how self righteously perfect she is in her own eyes that she could make such judgments about others, hope she likes it where it's hot!
I am just soo... I had my second Endo appt today. Tho I told him, in my first appt three weeks ago, I decided to revert, to keep my family (that's another post), and that I was on herbs for 7months, (he said, they don't work.. Well, I didn't get these boobs eating carrots, 'mate). I wanted to go on a low dose/micro dose to balance me, ease this pain inside, especially now that I had stopped my herb program (3 weeks ago). He said I have to work out my social aspect before he will give me anything, "so come back in a month".
He would not give me anything. I am beyond ... distraught, upset, bummed, I cried leaving the office. even tho I had stopped, I still.. wanted.. needed.. my mind, is so messed up. I'll show him, I still have a months worth of my herb program left. The AndroEase and Feminol will take the edge off, I will have them to fall back on, to stay with them to low-dose cope.
I was so hoping to get real E, to sleep, to ease this pain inside, to stop this battle, between good, and evil.
A month.. a month of little sleep, aches, headaches, anger, anxiety, rage.
Quote from: Paula Christine on May 13, 2014, 09:55:05 PMI am just soo... I had my second Endo appt today. Tho I told him, in my first appt three weeks ago, I decided to revert, to keep my family (that's another post), and that I was on herbs for 7months, (he said, they don't work.. Well, I didn't get these boobs eating carrots, 'mate). I wanted to go on a low dose/micro dose to balance me, ease this pain inside, especially now that I had stopped my herb program (3 weeks ago). He said I have to work out my social aspect before he will give me anything, "so come back in a month".
He would not give me anything. I am beyond ... distraught, upset, bummed, I cried leaving the office. even tho I had stopped, I still.. wanted.. needed.. my mind, is so messed up. I'll show him, I still have a months worth of my herb program left. The AndroEase and Feminol will take the edge off, I will have them to fall back on, to stay with them to low-dose cope.
I was so hoping to get real E, to sleep, to ease this pain inside, to stop this battle, between good, and evil.
A month.. a month of little sleep, aches, headaches, anger, anxiety, rage.
Sounds like your endo is trying to play psychologist. I had the same experience. It't not his call, it's your therapist's. If you don't have a therapist and are doing informed consent, it's still not his call. Try to find a new endo, if possible. I got so tired of mine telling me to come back in 2-3 months for this reason or that, even with a letter from a therapist, that I said screw it and sought a new one.
Jill I'm so sorry.
And I relate. watching people destroy themselves is so freaking hard.
Well, my session with my therapist had to be re-scheduled for Thursday, so that was a bummer :p
Apart from that extreme sleeping problems have put a general damper on everything.
I'm so sick of working on projects I care nothing about. Having to face class from 8-430 only to have to come home and do work for this stupid student film was just not working for me.... Then I ate too much chili and had to take a walk... and then I came home and felt sick and then I got maybe 10 mins of work done and now here I am... too tired and frustrated to bother.
More work for tomorrow.....
I'll be laid off as of July 11th. I guess to experience the depraved and degrading spectacle of job hunting as a trans woman.
Quote from: Constance on May 14, 2014, 05:21:49 PM
I'll be laid off as of July 11th. I guess to experience the depraved and degrading spectacle of job hunting as a trans woman.
Do you know why? If it's because you're trans then contact the HR department and inform them of the matter AND the law. Also contact the EEOC and speak to them if it's a matter of you being trans. Just because the laws don't specify "can't discriminate based on gender identity /expression" doesn't mean they aren't breaking the law because they are. It's because of the "based on sex" art. Others have taken their discrimination based on this to court and have won. 1 I heard even won twice in a row but the person who didn't like losing is trying to take it to the supreme court. Basically the EEOC deals with this sort of issue and is on our side. (I know, spoke to them though luckfully I didn't have to follow through with them)
Hang in there and best of luck.
the panda made me unhappy. he stole my cookies! :'(
Quote from: Shana-chan on May 14, 2014, 05:28:25 PM
Do you know why? If it's because you're trans then contact the HR department and inform them of the matter AND the law. Also contact the EEOC and speak to them if it's a matter of you being trans. Just because the laws don't specify "can't discriminate based on gender identity /expression" doesn't mean they aren't breaking the law because they are. It's because of the "based on sex" art. Others have taken their discrimination based on this to court and have won. 1 I heard even won twice in a row but the person who didn't like losing is trying to take it to the supreme court. Basically the EEOC deals with this sort of issue and is on our side. (I know, spoke to them though luckfully I didn't have to follow through with them)
Hang in there and best of luck.
Hmm, I should've said the majority of the support team will be laid off.
My employer, Epocrates, was bought last year by athenahealth and they want to consolidate all support into their call center in Maine. So, this isn't a trans thing as a whole bunch of my cis coworkers are getting shafted too.
***WARNING- THIS IS HEAVILY DEPRESSING SH*T BUT I HAD TO VENT IT***Quote from: Jill F on May 13, 2014, 05:05:09 PM
"Multiple drug intoxication." I suppose it's pretty irrelevent as to which ones they were now. Probable suicide due to the fact his longtime girlfriend unexpectedly dumped him two days before. I swear my list of departed friends is getting far too long for my taste. It always seems to be either drugs or suicide, too.
Well, I got more details from my departed friend's cousin today, and I have to say I'm angry, sad and more than a bit depressed over it. My old friend had a major drug and alcohol problem for many years, and finally got clean for real about a dozen years ago. He had fought off so many demons and we were all grateful that he was no longer a danger to himself or others. Apparently he was in a pretty serious motorcycle accident about a year ago and sustained injuries that prevented him from working as a contractor ever since. He became addicted to prescription painkillers, xanax and who knows what else, then relapsed on the booze. His girlfriend of many years, with whom he had an eight year old daughter told him enough was enough and finally left him earlier this week. He was found dead by his brother alongside empty pill bottles that he had washed down with hard liquor. Apparently this did not come as a surprise.
I feel so bad for his daughter that he apparently adored so much that I can't stop crying right now. I really feel more for her than I do for him. I hope she will be OK and not get permanently f***ed up in the head like my niece did when my brother-in-law died.
What a bastard. If you were here to b*tchslap I'd be doing it repeatedly, you GDMFSOB.
Quote from: Constance on May 14, 2014, 05:34:02 PM
Hmm, I should've said the majority of the support team will be laid off.
My employer, Epocrates, was bought last year by athenahealth and they want to consolidate all support into their call center in Maine. So, this isn't a trans thing as a whole bunch of my cis coworkers are getting shafted too.
I see. :( Well, as I said, best of luck and hang in there!
I noticed a member that I genuinely liked and considered a friend on here has closed their account for good after leaving for a few months. I'm not sure when they closed their account or why all this even happened (and I rather stay out of things that aren't my business), but I just realized today that they are gone for good. For me, it's a bit upsetting. I don't know. I really appreciated everything they've done while they were here as well as their good will towards me. At the end of the day, I was hoping they would come back and relationships could be healed, but things happen and life moves on. I'm just hoping they are doing okay and it makes me a little sad.
I just think this is something to remember. Appreciate the people in your life because they may not be around forever. It makes me think of things I could have said or done differently with all the people I've ever interacted with in my past.
P.S. Out of respect and privacy, I will avoid using their name and will apologize in advance if this is an unwanted post. I just wanted to wish them well and thank them for all they've done for me while here (as well as apologize for all the headaches I've likely created, lol).
Was walking into target as a girl about my age, mid-twenties, was walking out. She had this absolutely cute dress and sandals on. She just looked cute and comfortable and content and natural and most of all HAPPY! I almost had to turn around and walk out, I felt like I got punched in the gut. Not fair! I want to be wearing a cute dress in this weather!
Quote from: RockerGirl on May 14, 2014, 10:23:20 PM
Was walking into target as a girl about my age, mid-twenties, was walking out. She had this absolutely cute dress and sandals on. She just looked cute and comfortable and content and natural and most of all HAPPY! I almost had to turn around and walk out, I felt like I got punched in the gut. Not fair! I want to be wearing a cute dress in this weather!
Envy eats up your soul, don't worry your time will come and things will be better!
Quote from: RockerGirl on May 14, 2014, 10:23:20 PM
Was walking into target as a girl about my age, mid-twenties, was walking out. She had this absolutely cute dress and sandals on. She just looked cute and comfortable and content and natural and most of all HAPPY! And the she farted, I almost had to turn around and walk out, I felt like I got punched in the gut. Not fair! I want to be wearing a cute dress in this weather!
LOL... Sorry... Being bad >:-)
But seriously, who doesn't feel a bit jealous of cute young girls who trot about? I imagine (know because I've heard them talk about it) many elder genetic women look upon them with envy as well
Yeah, envy is a big nasty monster and it'll chew up your guts and other internal organs. I used to feed my little internal troll something fierce and it just made me miserable - these days I see a pretty woman/girl and I just think "you look stunning/cute/gorgeous, I'm so happy for you". Seriously, it kills the envy monster and makes you feel so much better about yourself in the process. :)
have to wait another 2 weeks before i can start HRT -.- at least that elusive letter isnt as elusive anymore
Stress!!
Quote from: Constance on May 14, 2014, 05:34:02 PM
Hmm, I should've said the majority of the support team will be laid off.
My employer, Epocrates, was bought last year by athenahealth and they want to consolidate all support into their call center in Maine. So, this isn't a trans thing as a whole bunch of my cis coworkers are getting shafted too.
Now I'm conflicted, I love Epocrates and this makes me want to uninstall it!
Quote from: Dee Marshall on May 15, 2014, 10:16:00 AM
Now I'm conflicted, I love Epocrates and this makes me want to uninstall it!
I've been somewhat expecting this lay off since before the acquisition by athenahealth.
Some years ago I was told that since I was near the top of the pay scale for tech support that I would never see another merit increase, even though the costs of living increase continually. This year I actually got a raise. I was really surprised.
This is just business as usual in a for-profit corporation. The execs at the top earn vast amounts of money but when the stock dips the persons at the bottom of the pyramid are the first to go.
Just ago, my biological age became 50, as I was born between 2 and 3 AM in Seoul local time. I am sad.
barbie~~
This feeling I have is akin to PMS, which would make sense given that I haven't had hormones in over 48 hours due to bureaucratic red medical tape.
I wonder if it has anything to do with my sudden craving for pancakes. I hate breakfast foods, especially not at breakfast!
Quote from: barbie on May 15, 2014, 12:33:37 PM
Just ago, my biological age became 50, as I was born between 2 and 3 AM in Seoul local time. I am sad.
barbie~~
:icon_birthday:
Don't be sad, you have a long way to go yet, cheer up and know that you have graced these pages here at Susan's in remarkably beautiful style and we here are all happy that you were born and we are happy to know you as much as we are able. Happy Birthday Barbie Doll!
my dang therapist's office seems to be closed on thurdays. couldnt reach him all day which is agitating >:(
Being called my preferred name but then also being called "he", "sir" etc. This happened to me at work today and while this typically happens, it never happens from 2-3 people in a row, let alone from the boss. -_- (Typically no one calls me sir but, today someone who doesn't work there came to inspect stuff and called me sir..)
I'm losing my cool and am getting very angry over this ->-bleeped-<-. I've already spoken to HR like 4 times now and will shortly be speaking to them once more, basically saying, are they even doing anything and if so, are they even taking this seriously? >:( It just makes no sense how they went from called me by my birth name to my preferred name like in a snap of a finger yet they can't do this for the proper pronouns and quit falling back on my name instead of using pronouns? >:(
Besides that and another incident at work which upset me (Won't say), it's been a good day but this is getting on my LAST nerve! ^_^'
Well, lest I can now dig into my left over Taco Bell and dig I shall. >:-)
You shouldn't feel this way about family, but sometimes I truly hate my dad. The past few days he's been so negative, and he was talking to my brother about working with people with disabilities (my dad has for a long time now), and talking about everyone being "idiots." He called a supervisor a "b*", and he called one of the disabled girls "this chick" over and over again. In a really degrading tone. And then goes on, as if he is an expert in medication, about how these people should just be heavily medicated. Yes, in some cases medication is absolutely 100% necessary (and it is in the case of this particularly violent client), but the way he phrased it, he wants them to just be drooling invalids.
And if it's not that, there's always SOMEONE at work who is "bullying" him. He's always plotting and sending emails in these passive-aggressive little struggles. And because he's so busy plotting and mumbling to himself (constantly!) he ignores everything around him. My dog barked right in his face, for about a minute, non-stop...he ignored her completely and she peed all over the floor. Then he comes downstairs today and something smells bad and he starts mumbling about how I'm supposedly letting the dogs pee everywhere and whatever. I LISTEN to the dog. I PAY ATTENTION to the dog. She never pees or poops in the house when I am home. But he can blatantly ignore her, and leave the pee and poop for someone else to pick up because he doesn't think he should have to do it.
jfc I can't wait to move out. I hope jobs start calling back. Whenever he's around I get so full of anxiety because he's a mentally sick ticking time bomb.
Quote from: birkin on May 15, 2014, 05:21:28 PM
You shouldn't feel this way about family, but sometimes I truly hate my dad. The past few days he's been so negative, and he was talking to my brother about working with people with disabilities (my dad has for a long time now), and talking about everyone being "idiots." He called a supervisor a "b*", and he called one of the disabled girls "this chick" over and over again. In a really degrading tone. And then goes on, as if he is an expert in medication, about how these people should just be heavily medicated. Yes, in some cases medication is absolutely 100% necessary (and it is in the case of this particularly violent client), but the way he phrased it, he wants them to just be drooling invalids.
And if it's not that, there's always SOMEONE at work who is "bullying" him. He's always plotting and sending emails in these passive-aggressive little struggles. And because he's so busy plotting and mumbling to himself (constantly!) he ignores everything around him. My dog barked right in his face, for about a minute, non-stop...he ignored her completely and she peed all over the floor. Then he comes downstairs today and something smells bad and he starts mumbling about how I'm supposedly letting the dogs pee everywhere and whatever. I LISTEN to the dog. I PAY ATTENTION to the dog. She never pees or poops in the house when I am home. But he can blatantly ignore her, and leave the pee and poop for someone else to pick up because he doesn't think he should have to do it.
jfc I can't wait to move out. I hope jobs start calling back. Whenever he's around I get so full of anxiety because he's a mentally sick ticking time bomb.
Birkin, your dad is such a Neanderthal! I don't know if you remember Archie Bunker, you can google it, anyway your dad has him beat by a mile for being a real jerk! Sorry hon, you deserved so much better for a male role model, at least you know how you refuse to be and what you will not emulate.
Got my priorities messed up really bad today. Should have been shower, eat, look for a job, pick up my prescription, eat again, keep looking for a job, eat, chill, eat again if I'm hungry, sleep.
Instead it was shower, play Civ4 all day, oh look it's 8 in the afternoon, better eat.
Quote from: Shantel on May 15, 2014, 05:36:22 PM
Birkin, your dad is such a Neanderthal! I don't know if you remember Archie Bunker, you can google it, anyway your dad has him beat by a mile for being a real jerk! Sorry hon, you deserved so much better for a male role model, at least you know how you refuse to be and what you will not emulate.
Thanks Auntie Shan. It's just his way of dealing with his problems, I guess, and sadly it isn't going to get him far. It does make me more conscious though of how my emotions affect others, since his negative emotions impact the people around him so much.
Quote from: birkin on May 15, 2014, 07:44:20 PMThanks Auntie Shan. It's just his way of dealing with his problems, I guess, and sadly it isn't going to get him far. It does make me more conscious though of how my emotions affect others, since his negative emotions impact the people around him so much.
I know it's a long way so it won't mean much, but my apartment has two empty rooms, albeit without water or power, so if you need just a few days to get away, even though it's far, I'm always willing to take you in.
Quote from: Lauren5 on May 15, 2014, 07:48:36 PM
I know it's a long way so it won't mean much, but my apartment has two empty rooms, albeit without water or power, so if you need just a few days to get away, even though it's far, I'm always willing to take you in.
That's sweet of you Lauren, very thoughtful and kind!
Quote from: Lauren5 on May 15, 2014, 07:48:36 PM
I know it's a long way so it won't mean much, but my apartment has two empty rooms, albeit without water or power, so if you need just a few days to get away, even though it's far, I'm always willing to take you in.
Thanks Lauren. :) Who knows, maybe one day I'll be hitting the road lol. There have been times (when I had money anyway) where I almost just hopped a plane and took a vacation for a week. Never ended up doing it but got damn close.
Just realised I forgot to take my pills last night. :(
Quote from: Shantel on May 15, 2014, 03:15:17 PM
:icon_birthday:
Don't be sad, you have a long way to go yet, cheer up and know that you have graced these pages here at Susan's in remarkably beautiful style and we here are all happy that you were born and we are happy to know you as much as we are able. Happy Birthday Barbie Doll!
Thanks, Shan!
Yes. I will continue to try to defy my biological age. My wife prepared some special food for my birthday.
barbie~~
starting testosterone to detransition for the sake of my wife
Quote from: anita.brown on May 16, 2014, 05:51:22 AM
starting testosterone to detransition for the sake of my wife
Good luck Anita, I did that some time back, it's complicated....wishing you well though!
I just used the "F Word" (not the ->-bleeped-<- one) to reply to an OKcupid creep that proposed to meet and have me topping him. Is one of those things I fully try to avoid given my circunstances and being more lesbian than bisexual right now, but sheeesh. Guys asking me to go al porn ->-bleeped-<- on me trigger my hair temper.
I just lost my job. :(
Quote from: Rainbow Brite on May 16, 2014, 11:02:25 AM
I just lost my job. :(
Is it not easy to get another job?
barbie~~
Quote from: Rainbow Brite on May 16, 2014, 11:02:25 AM
I just lost my job. :(
I'm very sorry to hear Rainbow. Hopefully it won't be long before you find a better higher paying job. Hang in there.
Hugs :icon_hug:
Ally :icon_flower:
Jobs are overrated.
QuoteRe: What made you unhappy today?
F'n goldfish crackers. I can't stop eating them.
Pharmacies and credit card companies/banks. Been too long already and it seems as if its going to be a hell of a lot longer without too.
My friend Reaver left this evening. I'm very sad to see him go, and I'll miss him dearly. Now with the exception of my SO I'm alone again........... :icon_cry: :icon_cry2: :icon_cry:
Ally
My insurance is raising my pharmacy charge and refusing claims left and right without telling me beforehand or why.
Great job, Tricare. Pick on the transwoman because she has no rights. Can't sue for discrimination.
I understand the point of this thread but I think dwelling/overthinking the bad things are keeping us in a hard place for longer than we need to be. Try to shift your thoughts to a positive light! I know it's hard ladies and gentlemen bet go do something you love! Do some art, listen to music, sing, play an instrument, dance like a loon in your room! Try to work something super silly into your daily routine and it'll break the overbearing monotony of life!
I love you all!
Nether
Oh Jill, I totally feel for you and completely understand. I had a friend kill himself and I was so upset about his kids. I was so mad. And over the years I've healed but I still don't understand how he could leave his kids like that. It took me a long time to get over it. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
Quote from: Jill F on May 14, 2014, 05:57:39 PM
***WARNING- THIS IS HEAVILY DEPRESSING SH*T BUT I HAD TO VENT IT***
Well, I got more details from my departed friend's cousin today, and I have to say I'm angry, sad and more than a bit depressed over it. My old friend had a major drug and alcohol problem for many years, and finally got clean for real about a dozen years ago. He had fought off so many demons and we were all grateful that he was no longer a danger to himself or others. Apparently he was in a pretty serious motorcycle accident about a year ago and sustained injuries that prevented him from working as a contractor ever since. He became addicted to prescription painkillers, xanax and who knows what else, then relapsed on the booze. His girlfriend of many years, with whom he had an eight year old daughter told him enough was enough and finally left him earlier this week. He was found dead by his brother alongside empty pill bottles that he had washed down with hard liquor. Apparently this did not come as a surprise.
I feel so bad for his daughter that he apparently adored so much that I can't stop crying right now. I really feel more for her than I do for him. I hope she will be OK and not get permanently f***ed up in the head like my niece did when my brother-in-law died.
What a bastard. If you were here to b*tchslap I'd be doing it repeatedly, you GDMFSOB.
It has just sunk in how much more money I will have to spend on Dr's visits, scripts and prescriptions and the increase till I reach the safety cap so I can get them for less. Once our budget becomes law. ( It's needed but sometimes you just want to scream viva la revolution. All those politicians in the one spot and Guy Fawkes nowhere about >:-))
My S.O., I'm actually sitting in the bacement crying, typing on my phone. I'd go get a bottle of wine but I don't have the strength right now. It's hard to live sometimes.
I'll be better tomorrow.
Quote from: nether on May 16, 2014, 05:59:42 PM
I understand the point of this thread but I think dwelling/overthinking the bad things are keeping us in a hard place for longer than we need to be. Try to shift your thoughts to a positive light! I know it's hard ladies and gentlemen bet go do something you love! Do some art, listen to music, sing, play an instrument, dance like a loon in your room! Try to work something super silly into your daily routine and it'll break the overbearing monotony of life!
I love you all!
Nether
I have been doing artwork. I do my best work when I am bummed out.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi688.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fvv246%2FKeairaElisabeth%2FArtwork%2Fflightdecklanding3_zps6a89f158.jpg&hash=7bf28fb0d0a6d222259c3141da46305dcf783dcf)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi688.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fvv246%2FKeairaElisabeth%2FArtwork%2Fflightdecklanding_zps7a03dc19.jpg&hash=0a3d8d49035d36513825b4e5661bebf1a7ccb13c)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi688.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fvv246%2FKeairaElisabeth%2FArtwork%2FMakotestflight_zpse17480a3.jpg&hash=31327e63208e3f8fb1d70c5aa37197669aeff828)
*Sigh* I don't have a life. Huh? What's that? Do I work? Why yes, yes I do and I enjoy doing it, it gives some sort of life to what no life I have but when you realize you are working and are either just barely making it by or losing a bit of money each month and can't go anywhere, have fun, spend money etc. and actually HAVE a life, well, that's just too depressing. (This also means even if I had rl friends to hang out with, I couldn't hang out with them as that costs money, money in which I don't have..) Stupid government, stupid minimum wedge. Thanks to these two factors, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and trust me, that hard place is harder than I am making it sound. lol Sometimes I just wonder why I was ever born? :( Oh, did I mention I can't even afford hormones let alone to save up for surgeries and not even retirement either. :( If I had a cry right now button that makes me cry I would so push it right now, just to feel a bit better, till I realize by doing so, I've just wasted precious tissue which I'll have to later pay for. :(
If only I had a room mate, that is my only hope of saving money right now and there's practically nothing I can do to find one, let alone get one.. excuse me while I go sulk and be all depressed for a while... ...
i cant swim this year :( ugh! 3 years and i still cant touch the water. its like oxygen deprivation for me
Earache
i've been very unhappy for the longest time now and i cant seem to shake it -.-
Hay fever
Oh yes, my allergies are going bonkers with all the spring blossoms and such - Smells great, but also makes me sneeze
I feel wasted evenf if I stayed away from alcohol yesterday (I won't drink anything that hasn't been properly bottle and can guaranteed that hasn't been unadultered. Still, the combination of missing sleep hours, staying without sitting for hours, night cold and something that had me sneezing. Also, with so much people nobody could control the smoking ban, so my clothes reek, something that hasn't happened for years.
I have a laser hair removal session today. I'm glad to be getting it done and having the benefits of it, but it hurts so much. I'm not in the mood to be crying in pain today which is what always happens. Ehhh.... if I didn't have to drive, I would have a few drinks to numb it.
Quote from: V M on May 17, 2014, 02:23:14 AM
Oh yes, my allergies are going bonkers with all the spring blossoms and such - Smells great, but also makes me sneeze
Tis the season! The Scotch Broom that grows close to freeway onramps drives me nuts, it's always so pungent.
Quote from: learningtolive on May 17, 2014, 09:10:49 AM
I have a laser hair removal session today. I'm glad to be getting it done and having the benefits of it, but it hurts so much. I'm not in the mood to be crying in pain today which is what always happens. Ehhh.... if I didn't have to drive, I would have a few drinks to numb it.
Oddly enough it's getting easier. Seems the pain subsides with each session. Still cried in pain, but it's much more tolerable. Now the worst of it is feeling weird about walking in a laser salon. I feel like everyone there knows that I'm trans and the building is on a very busy road so people can see me walk right in. I overthink these things but still. Got to get past this stuff.
Quote from: learningtolive on May 17, 2014, 12:10:58 PM
Oddly enough it's getting easier. Seems the pain subsides with each session. Still cried in pain, but it's much more tolerable. Now the worst of it is feeling weird about walking in a laser salon. I feel like everyone there knows that I'm trans and the building is on a very busy road so people can see me walk right in. I overthink these things but still. Got to get past this stuff.
XD I feel like that when I have my sessions too XD
Quote from: learningtolive on May 17, 2014, 12:10:58 PM
Quote from: learningtolive on May 17, 2014, 09:10:49 AM
I have a laser hair removal session today. I'm glad to be getting it done and having the benefits of it, but it hurts so much. I'm not in the mood to be crying in pain today which is what always happens. Ehhh.... if I didn't have to drive, I would have a few drinks to numb it.
Oddly enough it's getting easier. Seems the pain subsides with each session. Still cried in pain, but it's much more tolerable. Now the worst of it is feeling weird about walking in a laser salon. I feel like everyone there knows that I'm trans and the building is on a very busy road so people can see me walk right in. I overthink these things but still. Got to get past this stuff.
Try to remember laser wasn't invented for trans women. And that these salons couldn't stay in business just with trans women. I mean, ok, maybe in some areas. But we are a very small part of the population.
Quote from: FA on May 17, 2014, 12:20:13 PM
Oddly enough it's getting easier. Seems the pain subsides with each session. Still cried in pain, but it's much more tolerable. Now the worst of it is feeling weird about walking in a laser salon. I feel like everyone there knows that I'm trans and the building is on a very busy road so people can see me walk right in. I overthink these things but still. Got to get past this stuff.
Try to remember laser wasn't invented for trans women. And that these salons couldn't stay in business just with trans women. I mean, ok, maybe in some areas. But we are a very small part of the population.
That's true, but believe me, the workers inside know. Sometimes you can tell when people know. However, they are very nice, so it's not such a bad thing. I'm just afraid of the world knowing I'm trans. And to be honest, if people saw someone looking like me walk into a laser place, I'm betting they would assume I'm trans. I mean I would. It just sucks being stuck between genders appearance wise.
Landlord won't answer the phone.
Quote from: learningtolive on May 17, 2014, 12:41:02 PM
That's true, but believe me, the workers inside know. Sometimes you can tell when people know. However, they are very nice, so it's not such a bad thing. I'm just afraid of the world knowing I'm trans. And to be honest, if people saw someone looking like me walk into a laser place, I'm betting they would assume I'm trans. I mean I would. It just sucks being stuck between genders appearance wise.
I get how you feel, I really do but one thing that helps me to stay calm regarding situations where hair is involved is that even women can have hair on any part of their body. Also that men even get their hair removed too. (Mentioning this for anyone reading it) so I try and remember that and try not to worry about it too much. Plus, look on the bright side, you won't have to get it done forever and odds are the many people who do see you, will just forget you sooner or later, odds are sooner. I mean, not like we pay much attention to all the people we see and pass by, heck I bet you don't remember too many of them, I know I sure don't.
Quote from: learningtolive on May 17, 2014, 12:10:58 PM
Oddly enough it's getting easier. Seems the pain subsides with each session. Still cried in pain, but it's much more tolerable. Now the worst of it is feeling weird about walking in a laser salon. I feel like everyone there knows that I'm trans and the building is on a very busy road so people can see me walk right in. I overthink these things but still. Got to get past this stuff.
I made three appointments for laser skin resurfacing, and I finished the first treatment about 3 months ago. Now it is time to get the second one, and I am afraid of the pain, postponing endlessly.... My female friends say like "beauty requires pain".
barbie~~
I've been watching Clannad: After story. I have never cried this much to any other anime. I think the Clannad series has jumped up to number 3 on my all time favorite anime.
Back and leg pain and, erm, bathroom issues, starting to resurface. Been nearly 8 months since I've had much issue, now is been a week of this. Wasn't supposed to see my doctor for over another month, but I may try to get in sooner, or else, risk going to the ER and having them go all legal on me and then have insurance not cover it like they've started doing.
I keep being told is hemorrhoids, but whenever a doctor checks, they can't find anything. I think it's the disc issues I've had resurfacing, crushing spinal nerves.
Feeling homesick. I don't necessarily want to see my whole family, it's just a different words up there compared to the hustle and bustle down here in Sydney
Rain
Males who expect us to discuss our private parts! Hell NO!
Quote from: Rainbow Brite on May 18, 2014, 02:38:40 AM
I've been watching Clannad: After story. I have never cried this much to any other anime. I think the Clannad series has jumped up to number 3 on my all time favorite anime.
Hope you watched the none after story being Clannad first but hey, hang in there, Clannad makes everyone cry and yeah, it's one of the greatest anime of all time. The feels. PM me if you need someone to talk too about it.
I hate when people "joke" about killing me. For one, it only takes one person who "jokes" about it who attempts to carry out their "joke" to take start taking such "jokes" seriously. For another, even if they don't actively try to kill me, they are still saying that they find the idea of killing me funny.
Quote from: Edge on May 18, 2014, 12:18:16 PM
I hate when people "joke" about killing me. For one, it only takes one person who "jokes" about it who attempts to carry out their "joke" to take start taking such "jokes" seriously. For another, even if they don't actively try to kill me, they are still saying that they find the idea of killing me funny.
Seriously Edge it sounds like you need to stop hanging around these people who are talking to you like this. You can't be too careful these days. I hope for your sake these people who are talking like this really are kidding. Just be careful.
Ally :icon_flower:
Quote from: Allyda on May 18, 2014, 01:20:34 PM
Seriously Edge it sounds like you need to stop hanging around these people who are talking to you like this. You can't be too careful these days. I hope for your sake these people who are talking like this really are kidding. Just be careful.
Ally :icon_flower:
Thanks. Most people tell me I'm being too sensitive. Maybe I am, but... yeah you only have to be right once.
I had plans for seeing someone, (family) that I rarely get to see since they live 3k miles away. As it turns out, it isn't going to happen.
Quote from: LordKAT on May 18, 2014, 02:20:15 PM
I had plans for seeing someone, (family) that I rarely get to see since they live 3k miles away. As it turns out, it isn't going to happen.
Awwwww hugs
Quote from: bubbles21 on May 18, 2014, 09:05:57 AM
Males who expect us to discuss our private parts! Hell NO!
I find holding a large blunt object and the proven ability your willing to use it stops in there tracks.
Violence may not be the answer but it sure handles any questions
Had a mini episode again and my brother in-law insulted my fiance on his gofundme page (dragged my name through the mud too).
Finding out for sure that my best friend from elementary/middle school was also gay... both of us were suffering in silence the whole time :(
Everything about today. Lack of employment, Lack of my own place and living in a small town.
Quote from: LordKAT on May 18, 2014, 02:20:15 PM
I had plans for seeing someone, (family) that I rarely get to see since they live 3k miles away. As it turns out, it isn't going to happen.
I was looking at this thinking "3k"? That's not very far. Then I saw "miles". Ah, 3,000 miles, not three kilometres! Yes, that's quite a hike! Sorry to hear that LordKAT, maybe soon though?
One of my friends is whining about the "friend zone" thing. Also known as the "I continuously pressure my friend who has already said she isn't attracted to me and it's all her fault she doesn't like me" zone. From the other side, known as the scary "you're creeping me out and I want you to leave me alone" zone. I'm not in the mood to stay silent and play nice about it.
Quote from: Edge on May 19, 2014, 01:49:12 AM
One of my friends is whining about the "friend zone" thing. Also known as the "I continuously pressure my friend who has already said she isn't attracted to me and it's all her fault she doesn't like me" zone. From the other side, known as the scary "you're creeping me out and I want you to leave me alone" zone. I'm not in the mood to stay silent and play nice about it.
Oh my god, this sets me off so much, every time.
Quote from: sad panda on May 19, 2014, 01:55:13 AM
Oh my god, this sets me off so much, every time.
Me too. Rejection is nothing compared to that kind of fear.
My mom came home early.
Having to use my legal name for job applications. This time though, I'm not changing it on the website until I'm ready to submit it.
I just lost it at my mom. -_- My brother and his friends were yelling at the Xbox and I turned on my fan to block out the noise. She stopped in my room and goes "what the hell is the damn fan on?" I said "I'm trying to concentrate!" And she said something else, I forget, but I was like "FINE. I'll turn off the fan. I guess I won't get any work done tonight anyway." And she goes on to say that my desktop background looked like I was playing a game, not working.
So I go on this tirade that involved a lot of f-bombs until she told me to stop swearing at her. So I apologized and I said I was very overwhelmed, jobs not calling me back, a thesis to finish, and then all the noise I had in the room right next to me.
I feel bad, because really, I normally don't respond like that, so in her perception the explosion came from nowhere. I'll probably apologize again later. I guess I'll just have to keep up my late nights to get work done.
Quote from: birkin on May 19, 2014, 08:06:56 PM
I just lost it at my mom. -_- My brother and his friends were yelling at the Xbox and I turned on my fan to block out the noise. She stopped in my room and goes "what the hell is the damn fan on?" I said "I'm trying to concentrate!" And she said something else, I forget, but I was like "FINE. I'll turn off the fan. I guess I won't get any work done tonight anyway." And she goes on to say that my desktop background looked like I was playing a game, not working.
So I go on this tirade that involved a lot of f-bombs until she told me to stop swearing at her. So I apologized and I said I was very overwhelmed, jobs not calling me back, a thesis to finish, and then all the noise I had in the room right next to me.
I feel bad, because really, I normally don't respond like that, so in her perception the explosion came from nowhere. I'll probably apologize again later. I guess I'll just have to keep up my late nights to get work done.
Dont take to many late nights. Do somthing nice for your mom too, even if its just a coffee and a chit chat. talk to her and maybe go over whats been getting you without as many f bombs.
My friends went to something I would have really liked on Saturday. No one invited me. They asked to borrow my stuff, but didn't invite me.
Quote from: ButterflyVickster on May 19, 2014, 08:21:56 PM
Dont take to many late nights. Do somthing nice for your mom too, even if its just a coffee and a chit chat. talk to her and maybe go over whats been getting you without as many f bombs.
I'll try. We don't really do stuff like that in my family lol. Plus, she favours my brother, so she isn't going to do anything to moderate the noise he and his friends make.
Quote from: Edge on May 19, 2014, 08:54:36 PM
My friends went to something I would have really liked on Saturday. No one invited me. They asked to borrow my stuff, but didn't invite me.
Ouch, that's super rude of them. =/ I wonder why they did that.
Quote from: Edge on May 19, 2014, 08:54:36 PMMy friends went to something I would have really liked on Saturday. No one invited me. They asked to borrow my stuff, but didn't invite me.
My friends from the dorm exactly. THey won't borrow clothes because they were all tiny, especaiily compared to me, but borrowed my brush, shampoo, and this really lovely spray I have. But then they go off to a party or whatnot, and I'm just sitting there, thinking, OK, have fun...
So what makes me unhappy today? Legal things, residency requirements.
Both of my knees every time I need to bend down today it is bringing me close to tears and the painkillers are not working.
So I go to the grocery store and on my way out I see this fun looking bottle of craft beer that I wanted to try.
The a*hole checker demands to see my ID. I mean I NEVER get carded. There is no f***ing planet on which I am 20, and I know he just wanted to mess with me. The name and gender marker is covered by a cleverly placed fortune cookie fortune, but the birthdate is still visible (1969, for f***'s sake!).
He then proceeded to call me "sir" about six times, and even after I corrected him.
Then my wife's flight got delayed AGAIN, she won't be here for another hour and I still haven't had dinner.
So I drank that beer as my consolation prize and it pretty much just tasted like a$$ anyway.
Earache progressed to tonsilitis
Moody and have been in a bad mood for the past few days. Everybody has been telling me to cheer up today. NO CAN'T A GIRL ENJOY HER FUNK IN PEACE. Telling someone to just be happy doesn't work. You will see your bright cheerfull girl when she is good and ready to come out. WARNING: I have numerous blunt objects and at the moment I'm not afraid to use them >:-) :icon_bat:
Oh and Cindy hope you get well soon
Was going to have lunch with my mother today, unfortunately she has a nasty head cold and had to cancel. :(
Can't be helped. Hopefully she feels better really soon!
I'm feeling a little down today for the first time since starting hrt. I've come to the realization age has ruined my face. While I have a very femminine body, my face still has many masculine features despite it being small. When I look at my face in the mirror I still don't see the girl I am, I see some dude I don't recognize. It seems FFS will be my only option to correct this -something I'll never be able to afford and is not covered by my insurance.
Ally
Seeing FA's post.
Cant handle small towns much longer. Hopefully making the move to Sydney soon :)
Been sicker than a dog all day. Couldn't keep anything down or in. Plus school is full of ->-bleeped-<-s.
Quote from: ReaverMarcus on May 20, 2014, 08:17:39 PM
Been sicker than a dog all day. Couldn't keep anything down or in. Plus school is full of ->-bleeped-<-s.
Get well hon..hugs!
Damn male hair will not just go away. Why will it not just stop!!! Just stop growing. Damn, damn, damn. Gonna have to shave my face soon, first time in 2.5 weeks but the crap is coming back out. Feels so stupid........................................... OK thanks, needed to bitch som,e
muscle definition and broaden shoulders are starting to appear :( even my curves are starting to disappear, and my strength perimeter is starting to increase :( how i hate today!
I'm missing a day of work that I was looking forward to. I got the runs so bad that I'm on my 6th change of clothes, have to wash out my car,(seat and floor), my carpets in the house and spent 2 hours just in and out of the shower. I don't feel sick.
I wonder if it would have been less a problem without the stoma.
Quote from: Brianna Umiko Liliana on May 20, 2014, 08:30:50 PM
muscle definition and broaden shoulders are starting to appear :( even my curves are starting to disappear, and my strength perimeter is starting to increase :( how i hate today!
Did I miss something Hun, why is this happening to you? In any case I'm very sorry to hear this is happening to you.
Hugs. :icon_hug:
Ally :icon_flower:
Quote from: Brianna Umiko Liliana on May 20, 2014, 08:30:50 PMmuscle definition and broaden shoulders are starting to appear :( even my curves are starting to disappear, and my strength perimeter is starting to increase :( how i hate today!
Sounds like anxiety, hun. Since you're so close to starting hormones, and I can understand this completely, it was nearly 6 months before I got into a doctor willing to work with my and particularity, my therapist. Even then it could be up to another week, possibly more, before you can start. You just have to figure out a way to be patient, calm, and understand that not everything may go right, and try not to be so devastated if it doesn't.
Speaking from experience here, I know how hard it is. Perhaps bring all your anxieties up with your therapist next time you see them, maybe you two can work something out.
I didn't get the backroom associate's job at Sears. That has made me really unhappy.
Quote from: Malachite on May 21, 2014, 03:22:20 AM
I didn't get the backroom associate's job at Sears. That has made me really unhappy.
So sorry to hear that Malachite.
Horrible anxious feeling again
Today? I don't (not yet anyway), its the wee hours of the morning, so not much could go wrong to make me unhappy. But yesterday I had a moment. So while at work, customer comes up to me while I'm in the HBC isle, asks me where the socks are, so I bring him around to the next isle, he thanks me. Moment later before I walked away, asks me where mugs would be, so I bring him a few more isles over, give a point down to the end of that isle. He smiles and thanks me again. I get back to my work.
A few moments later he comes back into the isle I'm at and asks me if I'm new there because he's never seen me before. I told him nope, been here since last years, almost a year ago. I continued to work. He decided to stick around. Uh-oh, I'm thinking, yep, I know where this is going to be going, soon he'll be asking me questions and then build up the courage to ask me out. Sure enough, questions about this and that. What do you like to do? Cross-stitch.
Yep, that's it. I work, I go straight home, spend a bit of time with my dog, then cross-stitch until I get tired of it. And I don't go out unless I have to. Interesting? Nah. But somehow he thought so. Must be the hidden mysteries he thinks there may be. You like sports? Nope. Where you from? Born one place, lived mostly in another, moved yet to another place, ended up here. I think he ended up standing there watching me work for a good 15 minutes with the occasional question or attempt at conversation.
I could have brushed him off rudely as I used to do when guys would try to ask me out years ago (some of them were really persistent), but somehow over the years I've become considerate. I figured no harm answering him, so did so each time with my usual blunt straight answer as if taking a test any time anyone wants to know something about me. Rarely looking him in the face, still much of my concentration on my work. He thought I was interesting and liked that I knew who I was (regarding knowing my own strengths and weaknesses, about work and other stuff).
Then asked me what time I got off of work, because he wanted to take me out for a cup of coffee and donuts. I didn't answer right away. But then told him that I don't know how to answer it, the whole going out and people thing, well, its not something I have much experience with. He asked me for my phone number so we could continue talking, I told him I don't use the phone really. Again, I don't do the whole talking, social thing very well. He thought I was handling it well, but I was merely answering questions, because if he wasn't keeping it going there'd be no talking on my end at all.
Eventually he said he had to go and hoped to see me around in there again. But then did something that took me totally off guard, gave me a little bit of a hug, not really a close kind as I think he could tell I was unnerved about it, but somehow during our talk maybe he felt bad for me (I suppose from other people's view after hearing me talk and sounding so dull and negative, I must sound like a sad case, someone in need of a hug), I don't know. Well, he finally left.
I went to the back moments later to put some cases of merchandise away that I couldn't fit out on the shelf, and well, had a breakdown, balled my eyes out. Why? Because I really wanted to say yes. I've never been out with anyone, ever. No dates, no nothing. I've never even been kissed, and would probably get dizzy and pass out from being so nervous. I spend my whole life avoiding as many encounters as I can, yet at the same time yearn it, all of it. Heck, I don't even know if I'm into men or women, finding attraction towards both but nothing strong or lasting.
But I'm not what he's looking for, even if in some extremely rare case the whole transsexual deal doesn't bother him (and not because it was something strange and thrillingly different) and still wanted me to go out with me, I wouldn't. I am and have always been since I was a child an extreme introvert. Aside from family, I have lived a solitary life, I keep myself entertained, enjoy my own company, that's how its pretty much always been. So anyone trying to befriend me, well, they got a lot of work cut out for them, but those that do manage, somehow something at some point frightens me away. I am heavily guarded and untrusting of people (yet here I am on the internet bearing details about me, makes a lot of sense).
So, here I was crying, because I know deep down I wish I could be like everyone else, it'd certainly make life out there easier since much of it revolves around socializing in some way or another. And this bit typed up here and anything I read or reply to, its not the same for me, just walls of text, no faces, no voices, no confrontations, no pressure, I can read or not, reply or not, and take all the time in the world with any of it with no one to get impatient with me and no commitment necessary.
As for what I'll do next time he happens to stop in to shop on my shift, I don't know yet. Do what I do best I guess, let him know that there's no point wasting his time with me, the answer will still be no. Maybe next time I'll be a royal bitch (hormones ran out), its only a matter of time before testosterone starts taking a more negative control of my mood again.
And here I got this really nice dress last weekend (that I just had to have, around $10 at Walmart) and no place to wear it. Bummer. Oh well. Stop f'in crying and get back to work.
Quote from: Malachite on May 21, 2014, 03:22:20 AMI didn't get the backroom associate's job at Sears. That has made me really unhappy.
I'm having one heck of a time with jobs myself.
Dealing with the mentally ill and their insanity every single day. It gets tiring. I'm a compassionate person and a very passive individual in general, but some people just really push me to the point that I want to scream. God how I hate control freaks and their crazy demands as well as their total disregard of anyone else in their life. It's just insane. But you just got to deal with it and smile because they will always turn it around and blame you for their actions and behavior. And it's not like they will ever get better because it never ends as they are complete narcissists with the inability to empathize with other humans to even a slight degree.
Sorry, I'm very compassionate to people severe mental issues and don't judge anyone for their illness. Some people, however, just really test me with their unbelievable attitude and there is never any improvement. I just needed to rant somewhere as I'm getting sick of being a doormat but have to continue on as one.
Quote from: Megan Joanne on May 21, 2014, 06:09:20 AM... But yesterday I had a moment. So while at work, customer comes up to me while I'm in the HBC isle, asks me where the socks are, so I bring him around to the next isle, he thanks me. Moment later before I walked away, asks me where mugs would be, so I bring him a few more isles over, give a point down to the end of that isle. He smiles and thanks me again. I get back to my work.
A few moments later he comes back into the isle I'm at and asks me if I'm new there because he's never seen me before. I told him nope, been here since last years, almost a year ago. I continued to work. He decided to stick around. Uh-oh, I'm thinking, yep, I know where this is going to be going, soon he'll be asking me questions and then build up the courage to ask me out. Sure enough, questions about this and that. What do you like to do? Cross-stitch.
Yep, that's it. I work, I go straight home, spend a bit of time with my dog, then cross-stitch until I get tired of it. And I don't go out unless I have to. Interesting? Nah. But somehow he thought so. Must be the hidden mysteries he thinks there may be. You like sports? Nope. Where you from? Born one place, lived mostly in another, moved yet to another place, ended up here. I think he ended up standing there watching me work for a good 15 minutes with the occasional question or attempt at conversation.
I could have brushed him off rudely as I used to do when guys would try to ask me out years ago (some of them were really persistent), but somehow over the years I've become considerate. I figured no harm answering him, so did so each time with my usual blunt straight answer as if taking a test any time anyone wants to know something about me. Rarely looking him in the face, still much of my concentration on my work. He thought I was interesting and liked that I knew who I was (regarding knowing my own strengths and weaknesses, about work and other stuff).
Then asked me what time I got off of work, because he wanted to take me out for a cup of coffee and donuts. I didn't answer right away. But then told him that I don't know how to answer it, the whole going out and people thing, well, its not something I have much experience with. He asked me for my phone number so we could continue talking, I told him I don't use the phone really. Again, I don't do the whole talking, social thing very well. He thought I was handling it well, but I was merely answering questions, because if he wasn't keeping it going there'd be no talking on my end at all.
Eventually he said he had to go and hoped to see me around in there again. But then did something that took me totally off guard, gave me a little bit of a hug, not really a close kind as I think he could tell I was unnerved about it, but somehow during our talk maybe he felt bad for me (I suppose from other people's view after hearing me talk and sounding so dull and negative, I must sound like a sad case, someone in need of a hug), I don't know. Well, he finally left.
I went to the back moments later to put some cases of merchandise away that I couldn't fit out on the shelf, and well, had a breakdown, balled my eyes out. Why? Because I really wanted to say yes. I've never been out with anyone, ever. No dates, no nothing. I've never even been kissed, and would probably get dizzy and pass out from being so nervous. I spend my whole life avoiding as many encounters as I can, yet at the same time yearn it, all of it. Heck, I don't even know if I'm into men or women, finding attraction towards both but nothing strong or lasting.
But I'm not what he's looking for, even if in some extremely rare case the whole transsexual deal doesn't bother him (and not because it was something strange and thrillingly different) and still wanted me to go out with me, I wouldn't. I am and have always been since I was a child an extreme introvert. Aside from family, I have lived a solitary life, I keep myself entertained, enjoy my own company, that's how its pretty much always been. So anyone trying to befriend me, well, they got a lot of work cut out for them, but those that do manage, somehow something at some point frightens me away. I am heavily guarded and untrusting of people (yet here I am on the internet bearing details about me, makes a lot of sense).
So, here I was crying, because I know deep down I wish I could be like everyone else, it'd certainly make life out there easier since much of it revolves around socializing in some way or another. And this bit typed up here and anything I read or reply to, its not the same for me, just walls of text, no faces, no voices, no confrontations, no pressure, I can read or not, reply or not, and take all the time in the world with any of it with no one to get impatient with me and no commitment necessary.
As for what I'll do next time he happens to stop in to shop on my shift, I don't know yet. Do what I do best I guess, let him know that there's no point wasting his time with me, the answer will still be no. Maybe next time I'll be a royal bitch (hormones ran out), its only a matter of time before testosterone starts taking a more negative control of my mood again.
And here I got this really nice dress last weekend (that I just had to have, around $10 at Walmart) and no place to wear it. Bummer. Oh well. Stop f'in crying and get back to work.
MJ, I'm so sorry that you went thru that.. I don't totally know what you're feeling, being an introvert, I am very shy (no, really), so I know a small bit of what you're feeling. And what you would like to be able to do. I'd like to think he just wanted to become friends, with no motives, no agenda, and no fear of, what we are becoming. Friends here, we all are, or at least, comrades in arms, sharing the same affliction which is the common ground we have. But anyone outside the circle, we are... closed to. Leary of, on guard against (sorry, channeling Yoda).. But without just a bit of risk, we may never find the one that will complete us. Those of us that have already, found -the one- are now losing her, or him, in our journey because they can not handle what they will end up becoming, or be labeled as.
"To win, you gotta play". I truly wish you are able to find someone that will complete you, to share a real heart with, to sit on the porch alongside and grow old with, watching the sun set each day.
Paula
.
Quote from: LordKAT on May 20, 2014, 08:56:37 PM
I'm missing a day of work that I was looking forward to. I got the runs so bad that I'm on my 6th change of clothes, have to wash out my car,(seat and floor), my carpets in the house and spent 2 hours just in and out of the shower. I don't feel sick.
I wonder if it would have been less a problem without the stoma.
Not fun, you must have eaten something that didn't agree with your system. Get well hon!
Another argument with my wife, ended up telling her I will no longer fix what's broken around the house. I told her she us nice, and sweet when she needs me to fix something (whining), my laptop won't connect to the wifi again, can you fix it? I'm stuck in Philly, can you find a flight I can get on? I'm at the gate, feeling sick, can you come here?) yet doesn't tell me our oldest came to get her and I get worried I can't find her.
At dinner I get all pissed off at her because of this sweet to have me fix things, nasty other times. So I finally blow up and say take the friggin house and burn it for all I care. And she still has not realized, after 31yrs, as a November baby, (my youngest daughter too) that when you attack us, yell, berate, scold, we shut down, withdraw, go silent. And no amount of yelling is going to get us to open up and start talking again. THATS when I finally blow. Why can't she see that????
Quote from: Paula Christine on May 21, 2014, 09:26:40 AM
MJ, I'm so sorry that you went thru that.. I don't totally know what you're feeling, being an introvert, I am very shy (no, really), so I know a small bit of what you're feeling. And what you would like to be able to do. I'd like to think he just wanted to become friends, with no motives, no agenda, and no fear of, what we are becoming. Friends here, we all are, or at least, comrades in arms, sharing the same affliction which is the common ground we have. But anyone outside the circle, we are... closed to. Leary of, on guard against (sorry, channeling Yoda).. But without just a bit of risk, we may never find the one that will complete us. Those of us that have already, found -the one- are now losing her, or him, in our journey because they can not handle what they will end up becoming, or be labeled as.
"To win, you gotta play". I truly wish you are able to find someone that will complete you, to share a real heart with, to sit on the porch alongside and grow old with, watching the sun set each day.
Paula
.
Just one of those things, sometimes I brush it off like nothing, other times it gets to me. A couple months ago same thing happened with someone else in my apartment complex, actually he lives in a building right across the parking lot facing mine. I had just went over to the leasing office to use their free Wi-Fi and moments later this guy whom I know must've been taking an interest in me because its not the first time he happened along, walks in to use their computer too. Two, three other times before that while doing laundry he somehow had wash to do as well. For the longest time I wondered if he had been watching me through the window, from his to ours. I take it he was watching me, decided it was a good time to talk and get to know me. I was there trying to look up stuff for jobs because I was going through a hard time at my current job and well, it don't pay @#$%. So he sits down next to me and starts talking to me. I respond pretty much the same towards everybody, they get the conversation going, introductions, questions, that sorta stuff, I merely answer (better than I used to be long ago, I would have just sat there and ignored him). Well skipping through all the usual talk of those wanting to get to know another, eventually I got up and left because he was distracting me and I seriously didn't care about him at all.
Oh, but besides the usual asking me out thing which I said I wouldn't do, he had asked of me then can I come over and we can hang out, talk some more. Uh, yeah right, like I'm going to let a total stranger into my home. What if I ordered you a pizza or something, would you accept it? Nope. Why not? You like pizza don't you? Because, I just wouldn't, I'm not comfortable taking gifts from someone I don't know. But he decided to try anyway but with something else.
So one day, a couple weeks later I'm checking the mail and there's a Netflix envelope in there. Huh? Says John Smith on it, but our address. O-kay. No one by that name where we are. So going to drop it into the outgoing mailbox and its all taped up with a sign saying to bring all outgoing mail to the leasing office. This because someone had broken into it, so it was currently out of order. But, the office was closed at that time, the person out showing apartment units or something. I bring it home, figure I'll try again later. But somehow I forgot (I got more important things to do with my time than worry about someone else's mail). Later that night my mom gets home from work, goes through the mail, says something to me about a movie, having already opened it up. She thought because we had talked one time about ordering movies that I had ordered the movie, but I told her it wasn't ours. Oh, well, too late, its open, may as well watch it and then return it. It was a James Bond movie, Casino Royale. A couple days later my mom dropped it off at the post office. A few days later, another movie shows up. What the hell?
Now we are racking our brains wondering what this is about, who sent it, my mom thinking someone we know did, like a gift or something. She asked me, remember that guy that was talking with you, do you think maybe this is from him? Did you talk about anything like this? I don't know, can't remember, didn't pay much attention. For minutes I was trying my best to recall everything. But suddenly it hit me. I remember while he was asking about my interests, he had first wanted to take me out to the movies, after I decline he had asked what kind of movies I like to watch, I simply stated, action, adventure, fantasy, sci-fi, that sorta stuff, just a generalization. He asked me if I ever seen Casino Royale, I told him no. So, with that one showing up as it did, it could not have been coinsidence or mistaken address or such. Especially so being this next one was the next Bond movie after that. My mom next day gave it to our mailman and told him that it wasn't ours and that we'd like not get anymore. We didn't after that. And the dude left me alone from then on out, guess he got the point.
Almost forgot a very important detail, somehow he knew, or at least suspected I was a transsexual. At one point while there using the computer that day, him talking to me, he had mentioned how one time after I had finished my laundry and left, this shortly after he had exchanged a few words with me there, he told me that another guy that was also doing laundry had questioned of him why he was talking to me. Said to him, don't you know that is a dude? He said he told the guy it didn't matter, he was just talking to a nice lady, didn't matter to him what I may be down there.
The whole time he's telling me this I'm showing no sign of acknowledgement about it, just continuing to do what I was doing on my laptop. But it got me leary, how did he come about this info? Was there this so called other guy and how'd he know and who was it? Or did he come to the conclusion himself through observation? I know somehow he was trying to put me at ease by letting me know that he knew and that it was alright but damn it, it wasn't! Because something was giving me away. Probably my adams apple, uh, I hate that thing sometimes more than that other thing between my legs because it sits there out in the open for all to see, most don't even pay it any mind because I mostly look like a girl, act somewhat the part, and talk with the right voice to match, but there's always this very small percentage that notices details more than the typical person.
Me knowing he knew made me rather uncomfortable about it. Anyway, thankfully he gave up on me. Its been quite some months, and I've seen him come and go from his place along with his kids, and sometimes a woman (wife, ex-wife, girlfriend, sister, whatever), and unlike before when he used to look over at my place he don't anymore. I don't know what he really wanted from me, simply to be friends, or something more, but whatever. That day after coming home from using the internet was a different kind of unhappiness, not upset because I wanted to do the opposite, but because someone knew about me and made me feel like I was being watched.
As for today, keeping with the topic, we got fire ants in our apartment, again. little bastards are roaming around along the kitchen floor, one stung me on the knee several times, raised a big itchy welt. We got ants really bad here. Fire ant mounds everywhere. They better get the maintenance guy over here tomorrow as they said they would, I don't feel like getting stung again. Last time I did a couple months ago on the back of the neck, damn thing didn't go away for weeks, all red, swollen and itchy.
Ugh, just remembered something I'd forgotten for years. -_- I was working and it was the night of a football game, and there was this car full of guys and after I was done with the transaction he goes "thanks...erm...baby." LOL. It was upsetting but really, you could tell he was like "um, maybe I should hit on this girl, I can't really be serious about it though..."
My "Dad". He's always in some form or another rejected half of me but today he fully rejected me. :'( He won't even listen to a SINGLE word I say, won't hear of etc. about me being who I am, a woman and refuses to hear anything related to it such as transitioning. I tried telling him on the phone "What will you do once I've transitioned?" Because seriously he's refusing to talk about it, hanging the phone up on me several times when I started to mention it (Can you say baby/childish/immature/disrespectful/rude/jerk etc. etc.?), said I've embarrassed him in front of people he knows because of me being this way and did more than just that too but anyway, he's GOING to have to wake up and realize transition will happen and if it doesn't then I will probably kill myself and him doing this ->-bleeped-<- is only ruining what relationship we could have had. If he thinks we'll still have a relationship in a few months from now after he's rejected me like this then he is CLEARLY mistaken. lol I've done all I can do, and I am sick and tired of this ->-bleeped-<-. Why should I give a crap to continue a relationship with anyone if they can't respect me and let me be myself around them fully? Why should I have to try and get them to understand/inform them of trans people? WHY does this have to hurt so damn much!? I literally cried my eyes out and was wishing my Mama was still alive and around so I could talk to her and more. It's not fair she died when he's still alive! (Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's alive and I don't want him to die but it isn't fair someone like my "Dad" survived and my Mama didn't)
I am hurting (though I've had a chance to cry my eyes out and calm down), hurting so bad (My life as a whole) and I need to transition, be able to get to places as myself without being told, their way or the highway (And that highway is filled with homelessness, hunger and death) and just have the most basic/simplest of things that people were fortunate to be born with as well as their life they have but take for granted yet everywhere I turn keeps putting road blocks as well as walls in my way so I can't even transition let alone get to places I need to go etc. etc. etc. Even today after that incident and calming down a good bit I finally talked to another family member who might can help me get to places and she said she isn't sure of she can do it..she doesn't live that far from me, I don't need to go to many places and I CERTAINLY and MIANLY would need to go to the store every couple of weeks and you can't give me a ride when I don't need one hardly ever!? I liked to started crying again at that point.
So far, this day has been crap for me and now I'm rambling. Excuse me, you probably don't care and I can't blame you, not like anyone cares about me and loves me and accepts me for who and what I am and if they ever did, and were there for me (In my life, preferably not just online) then I'd wonder why..
...
Quote from: Shana-chan on May 21, 2014, 05:23:30 PMSo far, this day has been crap for me and now I'm rambling. Excuse me, you probably don't care and I can't blame you, not like anyone cares about me and loves me and accepts me for who and what I am and if they ever did, and were there for me (In my life, preferably not just online) then I'd wonder why..
therein lies the difference between family, and us.. we know what it feels like, we know how it hurts, we know the struggle, the anguish, the hopelessness of it, we know what it is, and what it isn't.. replying with a single word means we do care about you. If nothing else, you have seen when one of our own is in a bad way, a really bad way, we swoop in like seagulls to fries and try to get them to see that they are -not- alone.
You are not alone, we are here to vent to, to give you options, ideas, possibilities how to find help, how to get safe, how to remain sane and in control.
We are here. Many will say, "PM me and we'll get thru this." "Here is my email.." "here is my cell", "here is my address..." We are here for support. We may not be able hold you, let you cry it out on our shoulder, but we -are- here for you. Use us like a farm animal.
What made me unhappy today? My sister is hurting.
What made me unhappy today.
I miss my mom. I hate she's not in my mind as much as I think she should be.
When ever I do think about her, I realise its been ages since I last thought about her, and I feel worse. The worst part about it is, she's still alive, but doesn't remember me. She had a mental breakdown and I'm still 8 years old to her, the last time I saw her, She was frightened of me, called me an imposter. This was about a year after she became unstable. I love her so much, and I sometimes wish she was till here, I wonder if I might of been able to come to terms sooner. And I feel even worse then, I feel Like I'm being ungreatfull to my dad, like I'm saying he's not good anough. I suppose what makes things a bit worse for me is, I never got to say goodbye.
I look up to the stars at night and sigh, I hope that no matter wear my mother is now, that she atleast has a freind. And I'm greatfull for everybody here for being who they are, their ups and downs but mostly because of the catchers and this thread.
Quote from: ButterflyVickster on May 21, 2014, 07:21:12 PM
What made me unhappy today.
I miss my mom. I hate she's not in my mind as much as I think she should be.
When ever I do think about her, I realise its been ages since I last thought about her, and I feel worse. The worst part about it is, she's still alive, but doesn't remember me. She had a mental breakdown and I'm still 8 years old to her, the last time I saw her, She was frightened of me, called me an imposter. This was about a year after she became unstable. I love her so much, and I sometimes wish she was till here, I wonder if I might of been able to come to terms sooner. And I feel even worse then, I feel Like I'm being ungreatfull to my dad, like I'm saying he's not good anough. I suppose what makes things a bit worse for me is, I never got to say goodbye.
I look up to the stars at night and sigh, I hope that no matter wear my mother is now, that she atleast has a freind. And I'm greatfull for everybody here for being who they are, their ups and downs but mostly because of the catchers and this thread.
Gee hon, that is very sad sending you warm thoughts and a cyber hug.
Hating the Michigan job search website.
One job said that they wanted a bilingual (English and Spanish) speaker to do clerical work. OK, I can do that. Go the the application on their website, says they want 6 months experience in customer service. For an entry level job? Really?
Next one, similar thing, different company. I go to the application on their website, they want 4 years of CS experience. That's freaking insane.
Finnaly, there's one for United Technologies. I was thinking cool, they're the company that own Pratt and Whitney, Sikorsky, and Goodrich. Perfect fit, I'd be in the aviation buisness! Requirements listed as high school diploma/GED, some college reccomended.
I go to the application. It's requesting a bachelor's degree and 2 years in the manufacturing field.
Is anywhere seriously hiring truly entry level positions that don't require extensive qualifications? Except for like MacDo and such. I can't apply to fast food, for fear that I'll be put on the drive-thru and have people call me sir and etc. because of my voice.
I was hoping to leave that TSA job up in the UP as a last resort since it means moving away from my doctor, therapist, and places for hair removal, and since all the places for rent up there are waaaaay too big even if they are cheap (a 4 bedroom 2 bathroom 2000 square foot house, utilities included, but unfurnished, for $500 a month) but I may have to go for it now.
Quote from: Ms Grace on May 21, 2014, 04:02:08 AM
So sorry to hear that Malachite.
Thanks, Grace. *hugs*
Quote from: Lauren5 on May 21, 2014, 08:36:42 PM
Hating the Michigan job search website.
One job said that they wanted a bilingual (English and Spanish) speaker to do clerical work. OK, I can do that. Go the the application on their website, says they want 6 months experience in customer service. For an entry level job? Really?
Next one, similar thing, different company. I go to the application on their website, they want 4 years of CS experience. That's freaking insane.
Finnaly, there's one for United Technologies. I was thinking cool, they're the company that own Pratt and Whitney, Sikorsky, and Goodrich. Perfect fit, I'd be in the aviation buisness! Requirements listed as high school diploma/GED, some college reccomended.
I go to the application. It's requesting a bachelor's degree and 2 years in the manufacturing field.
Is anywhere seriously hiring truly entry level positions that don't require extensive qualifications? Except for like MacDo and such. I can't apply to fast food, for fear that I'll be put on the drive-thru and have people call me sir and etc. because of my voice.
I was hoping to leave that TSA job up in the UP as a last resort since it means moving away from my doctor, therapist, and places for hair removal, and since all the places for rent up there are waaaaay too big even if they are cheap (a 4 bedroom 2 bathroom 2000 square foot house, utilities included, but unfurnished, for $500 a month) but I may have to go for it now.
See that's crazy that people want so much experience I've been experiencing that a lot as well.
I didn't get the other job I applied for at Sears as a loss prevention associate. Unless I apply to be a battery installer, that was more or less my last "ticket" to get in the with a job that is more or less compatible with my personality.
Something bad happened that could prevent me getting SRS. I will leave it at that. :(
Lauren and Malachite, I feel you there. I'm either overqualified, or underqualified (as in, I have education and some experience, but they want 5+ years). And when I find one I am qualified for...they want you to have your own car. -_- Even when the job doesn't require travel or driving lol. I think they just want to weed out applicants who take the bus, since they may have had people using transit as an excuse to be late. I swear, as soon as I have a job, and I sort out my finances, I'm investing into a vehicle first, and then first aid/CPR/suicide intervention training right after. That way if I need a job I have more options in the future.
I hope everything is OK, Jessica. :( *hugs*
Quote from: Malachite on May 21, 2014, 09:04:39 PMSee that's crazy that people want so much experience I've been experiencing that a lot as well.
I didn't get the other job I applied for at Sears as a loss prevention associate. Unless I apply to be a battery installer, that was more or less my last "ticket" to get in the with a job that is more or less compatible with my personality.
Pretty much fast food is my only choice. Retail, they want experience.
Sooner or later it's all going to come crashing down when all the unskilled workers have moved on to higher jobs and the current 18-25 age group is all unemployed and we're going to have some big problems.
I'm sending an application to Starbucks and see if that'll work. If I can get enough hours there, I can still live here. I may have to add on a second job so I can start saving for surgery eventually, if I want to get it before my planned move to the UK to restart school.
Quote from: birkin on May 21, 2014, 09:14:06 PM
Lauren and Malachite, I feel you there. I'm either overqualified, or underqualified (as in, I have education and some experience, but they want 5+ years). And when I find one I am qualified for...they want you to have your own car. -_- Even when the job doesn't require travel or driving lol. I think they just want to weed out applicants who take the bus, since they may have had people using transit as an excuse to be late. I swear, as soon as I have a job, and I sort out my finances, I'm investing into a vehicle first, and then first aid/CPR/suicide intervention training right after. That way if I need a job I have more options in the future.
I found one at a warehouse that would have been great. Good pay because it's the night shift, I'm sleeping during the day and awake at night anyways, but it's 15 miles away, further than the bus goes. I'd have to have a car to even go to an interview, which dad said he won't pay for; that if I make enough, I can lease my own.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on May 21, 2014, 09:07:08 PM
Something bad happened that could prevent me getting SRS. I will leave it at that. :(
Hugs.
One of my favourite colleagues has just quit. :'(
The ol' place isn't going to be the same without them.
Last night, wee hours of the morning 2-3am (we stay up late sometimes), so technically today, I had a breakdown. Several weeks late for hormones, no more, no doctor, no money, don't know what to do about it yet. Also looking at things I shouldn't be such as those that have been able to achieve their dream, surgery and whatnot, I cracked a little. Gave my mom a hug because I needed it. She asked what it was for and I started crying on her shoulder. I told her I'm just going through a rough time. She knew why. Comforted me the best she could. I'm okay for now, just one of those times I had to let it out. Ice cream helped with my mental recovery.
Ouch ouch ouch. How come an erection has enough strenght to fight the gaff?
As days pass, my libido is not the only thing to return. yesterday there was ejaculation, and today there are erections that can maintain by themselves amd won't go down. I've been awake during the night waiting for one to die so that I could go back to sleep.
But heck, now? It's been nearly 13 months on HRT, already at half the maximum recommended dosage of androcur (something my friends can't even tolerate and had to go down). It could be "those days" of the month when I am at high libido, but the erections... They were nearly dead since the latest dosage upgrade.
TL;DR: I'm scared about what is my current testosterone level seeing that I am regaining functions. I should be happy since this would keep the material in better shape until SRS, but the fear of masculinization or slow feminization again...
Apart from that, I too nearly broke down this morning, just thinking "freak" in front on the mirror. I'm losing my confidence about that saturday date, and I am still with my internal conflict of "Right now I can only afford one surgery and I don't know when will I have money for the other".
Quote from: Megan Joanne on May 22, 2014, 09:47:25 AM
Last night, wee hours of the morning 2-3am (we stay up late sometimes), so technically today, I had a breakdown. Several weeks late for hormones, no more, no doctor, no money, don't know what to do about it yet. Also looking at things I shouldn't be such as those that have been able to achieve their dream, surgery and whatnot, I cracked a little. Gave my mom a hug because I needed it. She asked what it was for and I started crying on her shoulder. I told her I'm just going through a rough time. She knew why. Comforted me the best she could. I'm okay for now, just one of those times I had to let it out. Ice cream helped with my mental recovery.
Hugs and ice cream always does the trick sweetie! :)
Last night I had a breakdown too . I tend to eat Nutella cream instead of ice cream , but it didn't went well , yesterday I ate almost an entire jar of one kg and I felt so bad after that , physically , emotionally , in every single way .
I would love to have someone to hug but there is no one here ......
Also , I am a little unhappy that my nose tip tends to drop a little after having a cute one for some time after FFS :((
I just want to disappear forever , to forget everything and be forgot by the few people that knew me .
I have so many problems that the upper ones are just some little things that try to hide the real pain inside of me .
At least now I won't look for comfort in sweets for some days ..
Quote from: Shana-chan on May 21, 2014, 05:23:30 PM
So far, this day has been crap for me and now I'm rambling. Excuse me, you probably don't care and I can't blame you, not like anyone cares about me and loves me and accepts me for who and what I am and if they ever did, and were there for me (In my life, preferably not just online) then I'd wonder why..
...
Yeah I care, we all care honey. You're not alone! ((Hugs))
Quote from: Claudia_FF on May 22, 2014, 09:58:09 AM
Last night I had a breakdown too . I tend to eat Nutella cream instead of ice cream , but it didn't went well , yesterday I ate almost an entire jar of one kg and I felt so bad after that , physically , emotionally , in every single way .
I would love to have someone to hug but there is no one here ......
Also , I am a little unhappy that my nose tip tends to drop a little after having a cute one for some time after FFS :((
I just want to disappear forever , to forget everything and be forgot by the few people that knew me .
I have so many problems that the upper ones are just some little things that try to hide the real pain inside of me .
At least now I won't look for comfort in sweets for some days ..
OMG this thread is loaded with a lot of unhappy women lately, here's a cyber hug from old Auntie Shan ((Hug)), you are in good company here, it's a load of emotions that will dissipate and the clouds will go away, hang in there sweetie!
Thank you so much , I really need support now and I appreciate a lot you care .
Quote from: Claudia_FF on May 22, 2014, 10:15:03 AM
Thank you so much , I really need support now and I appreciate a lot you care .
We all care sweetie, this is just extended family and we're all in this together and no-one is an island unto themselves. It would be nice if we could all hold hands and have real hugs at times, but since we're spread all over the globe this is as good as it gets and is a fine place for kindred souls to connect. Hope your days get better.
Quote from: Julia (Apple-Whatever) on May 22, 2014, 09:50:31 AM
Ouch ouch ouch. How come an erection has enough strenght to fight the gaff?
As days passes, my libido is not the only thing to return. yesterday there was ejaculation, and today there are erections that can maintain by themselves amd won't go down. I've been awake during the night waiting for one to die so that I could go back to sleep.
But heck, now? It's been nearly 13 months on HRT, already at half the maximum recommended dosage of androcur (something my friends can't even tolerate and had to go down). It could be "those days" of the month when I am at high libido, but the erections... They were nearly dead since the latest dosage upgrade.
TL;DR: I'm scared about what is my current testosterone level seeing that I am regaining functions. I should be happy since this would keep the material in better shape until SRS, but the fear of masculinization or slow feminization again...
Apart from that, I too nearly broke down this morning, just thinking "freak" in front on the mirror. I'm losing my confidence about that saturday date, and I am still with my internal conflict of "Right now I can only afford one surgery and I don't know when will I have money for the other".
This is the thing I dread most especially while off the hormones because it'll come all too fast and get more frequent the longer estrogen isn't in my system. Also, accompanying that is usually the occasional violent outburst, either physically towards myself or an object, or just lots of cursing. While on them, there are times that I've had unwanted erections as well, temporary unbalance, a big fluctuation of testosterone. Sometimes the only way to relieve it, gotta please it, even if it does the opposite for me. Okay, lets get this over with. As for actually ejaculating while on steady hormones, no, actually can't recall, probably not, but doesn't take long while off of them.
At least you can afford some type of surgery, I can't any. But if I had a few thousand, the first thing gone are my nuts. They have cause me nothing but problems. And I'd like to be able to take a hammer to them once they are out. I'd do it now but if they hurt I do too. Its like I am a prisoner, a woman shackled to two horny men.
I remember a time when I used to look at myself in the mirror too and think the same things of myself, and being self-destructive I'd say the most horrible things I could just to hurt myself. Yeah, "freak" was sometimes one of those words. But I don't really feel that way about myself, those are just angry words due to feelings of hopelessness.
Quote from: Megan Joanne on May 22, 2014, 10:32:05 AM
At least you can afford some type of surgery, I can't any. But if I had a few thousand, the first thing gone are my nuts. They have cause me nothing but problems. And I'd like to be able to take a hammer to them once they are out. I'd do it now but if they hurt I do too. Its like I am a prisoner, a woman shackled to two horny men.
Given the fact that we use androcur to chemically castrate rapists, I don't think I need to worry about balls save for tucking. An orchi is quite risky and detrimental to SRS if you are not dedicated to skin stretching. I just saw somebody that recently needed a graft for SRS due to minimal scrotal tissue left.
Edit: Looks like we only use it to inhibit the immates, as an alternative to the actual chemical castration. I'll need to have a talk with the friends that tends to say this.
In high school this guy asked me out on a date, and I stood him up. He waited for me for two hours. He wasn't even mad at me after. :( Anyway, googled him for fun and found out he died. It doesn't say anything about how he died though.
I am nearly out of money. Haven't had time to get down to the bookstore to return a textbook during their store hours, so they charged me for the book, and I didn't see it on my statement from the bank, leaving me $100 short. I can refill my spiro prescription tomorrow, that's about it. I really really really hope I can still return the book and get the money back. Otherwise I'll have to survive with the little food I have left until I can get a job, which could be weeks.
I'm trying if I can start trying to make art on commission. Nothing expensive, because I'm not great, and just need to have enough to eat.
I'm in a bad mood due to abandonment issues. I wish I could trust a friend enough to tell him what's up with me. I wish I could talk about my problems without being thought of as like a woman. I want to push people away because I'm convinced no one wants me to like them and I don't want them to think I'm clingy. I want to rage at friends for rejecting me when they probably have no idea why I think they're rejecting me. I know assuming they don't like me and that they don't want me to like them is irrational. I also know that every other time I've felt this way and people claimed I was being irrational, I turned out to be completely right.
No one thing specifically. My thoughts are upsetting me, reading things is upsetting me, lonliness is upsetting me and listening to music for once isn't helping.
i got my letter today but all the offices are closed. blah, wish there was somewhere i can go to get my scripted but imma have to wait till tuesday if my doctor's office isnt closed -.-
Missing out on my nephews birthday party because I was given extremely short notice and couldn't find anyone to cover for me
1. Fumble through my interview and didn't do so well imo.
2. The bank my boss set up for me requires that I have at least $750 minimum or make 10 purchases monthly to avoid fees.
3. While strapping a little girl in a bungee harness she coughed all over me. Then when I was helping another child, that girl was suspended in the air crying because the harness was hurting her so I had to loosen it up several times all while she was crying, whining, and disgustingly coughing all over me. She caused me to have to go past my shift time and I had another boy to hook in. Thank God the next shift employee helped me. When I got home, I washed my face and the inside of my nose with warm, soapy water, but I think the damage was done.
4. I got in the car with my drunken mother who was yelling at me, talking down to me, cussing me out, ,and raising her voice, and making me feel bad all over stupid stuff.
After helping my SO move today we had to pick up psycho mom (our knickname for her bi-polar unstable argumenitive irrational illogical mom -with good reason) Just being around that woman sucks the life out of you. She's like a black hole. It only took 5 minutes of her yelling to turn an otherwise happy day into a miserable mess. My SO's crying, I'm on the verge of tears just at watching her argue with my SO for no reason. So now I'm doing my best to decompress. My SO' is supposed to stop by after picking up the little one from the babysitter. Seeing her will bring our spirits back up.
Ally :icon_flower:
Quote from: Allyda on May 23, 2014, 07:58:13 PM
After helping my SO move today we had to pick up psycho mom (our knickname for her bi-polar unstable argumenitive irrational illogical mom -with good reason) Just being around that woman sucks the life out of you. She's like a black hole. It only took 5 minutes of her yelling to turn an otherwise happy day into a miserable mess. My SO's crying, I'm on the verge of tears just at watching her argue with my SO for no reason. So now I'm doing my best to decompress. My SO' is supposed to stop by after picking up the little one from the babysitter. Seeing her will bring our spirits back up.
Ally :icon_flower:
Hang in there Allyda, I have one just like that, I think every family has one!
Fainting spells in the shower earlier today.
I need to get a job quick so I can eat more so I won;t have such low blood sugar.
I wish I could send some food your way lauren.
Seeing people unhappy, in pain, hurt ect today and not been able to much more then offer help and comfort
Lauren I hope you find a job quick
Quote from: Shantel on May 23, 2014, 08:08:09 PM
Hang in there Allyda, I have one just like that, I think every family has one!
Thanks Auntie. I tell you, that woman's like a black hole -sucks the energy right out of ya!!, lol! Sorry it's not funny but if I don't laugh about it I'll cry. Anyway I hope to see my SO again today but idk when.
Ally :icon_flower:
I'm having a flare. I want to work out. I want to do yard work. I have the energy but my body hurts and I'm afraid of pushing it over the edge. My brain says push through it, but that doesn't work with this condition. Not moving doesn't work either so I will be walking my dog but that's not the same. I may push through it anyway. I hate this. And for years my go-to thought has been "I hate my body". And I'm trying to change that thought pattern. I hate my body so much less now that I've decided to transition, but at times like now those thoughts come surging up
Having suicidal ideations since waking up. Wishing some accident would happen and do what I can only imagine. Also, the pain. Can't go down the stairs, and just very carefully take them up. I'm going to hope my knee is not giving up before me and it can be blamed on not stretching before and after running.
Got to spend the day watching a dance festival tomorrow.I'll be bored ->-bleeped-<-less
So many unhappy posts! So few happy posts! Hang in there everyone! This dark time you're having will pass and things will get better sooner or later so hang in there!
What made me unhappy today?
It's a beautiful day today, the wind isn't too bad, it's warmer than I'd like and I should be in town today even though all I really need is an alarm clock but planned to have fun too, yet, this requires me to shave my freakishly hairy legs (since I'd planned to wear a skirt or dress), plus shave my arms and chest which thankfully aren't as hairy since I shave those every 2-5 days. I also have to flat iron my hair too, and sadly I can't get my crazy think hair to be flat and beautiful for long depending on whether conditions and wind. So much work to do and I'd still have to walk to the places I want to go too, probably with a water bottle being carried to avoid heat stroke. So much work to do and today I just want to get out but, don't have much motivation to do so. In other words, I probably won't get to go out to town today. :( *Sigh*
I'm super exhausted,my bed is screaming my name but i'm stuvk on a boat ._. Why did i wake up today lol
Gaaaaah. I was feeling sad today so I decided to bake a loaf to take my mind off things and have something that tasted good.
I forgot the baking soda. I imagine it will be hard as a rock. :'(
My period just came on.
My mother's drinking habits.
My boss seemingly going to keep me at the one station I despise and have a hard time with.
My tv isn't picking up channels so I have to watch the UFC prelims in the living room.
-I'm tired (but I'm not going to miss the fights)
I talked to someone. Note to self: do not talk to people about problems. Especially when I'm having a hard enough time not going on a socially unacceptable rant.
Woke up this morning to get ready for work, decided to do my stretching exercises as I have been since starting last week. Just a few minutes into it, I'm done on the floor, one leg up towards the ceiling, my hand reaching up towards my toes, suddenly my heart starts fluttering, feeling like its having issues with getting the beats right, did this several times. Took my breath away, does it every time. Its been a while since this last happened to me, and I felt like crap after that for a while, nerves shot to hell and very weak. My mom thought I should stay home, but I had to go in, truck today, I was needed there (friggin' super busy day).
While at work I had some horrible anxiety, hormone withdrawals of coarse, otherwise I wouldn't be feeling this bad. And it was so damn humid today, brief showers making it much worst as the day dragged on, unloading the truck seemed to take forever. I absolutely hate the heat, makes me sick feeling and I don't like being all sweaty, especially with my clothes sticking to me. Summer is not even here really, I dread July and August. Once the truck was finally done and I was able to sit down for a brief 10 minute break while I was still tired, worn out like hell, somehow it was enough to refresh me, just enough to work out some HBC before my work day was over with.
While unloading the truck, my boss constantly back and forth, a few minutes helping me, then running up to the front of the store to deal with lines that were backed up, then back to me and so forth until it was finished, at one point she asked me if I had thought more about the assistant manager position that she had offered me a couple weeks before. I told her, so much as I'd really want to take it (this only for the higher pay, a few more bucks I think than what I'm making now) I can't, as it is I already explained to her my problem with people, and my mind is not stable enough for such a responsibility. I told her, if I didn't already have a job there and this was the only thing available and I really desperately needed the job I'd probably had given it a shot, but I can't afford to go for something I don't have confidence in doing and then screw it up and end up losing the only job I have, as measly as it is. I had mentioned to her how almost every job I've ever had, they always wanted to make me a supervisor or manager, I always turned them down. I feel safe doing what I know. I told her I was scared, simple as that. She said, we'll train you. So tempting, because I know she's trying to help me out, but I had to decline.
I get so pissed at myself for my lack of courage when it comes to this kind of stuff, because I'm holding myself back. But seriously, putting someone like me, even though I'm very responsible, there when I'm supposed to be, never need be told to do anything or how to do it, I get straight to work doing what needs to be done, I fluster easily, am way too much of an emotional wreck, and have had too many times where I became self-destructive, that includes sabotaging my own job just to hurt myself.
I was so darn exhausted, from my anxiety, then the heat, that while working out merchandise I kept tearing up, had too much on my mind. I still don't know what the hell I'm supposed to be doing with my life, I fricking going on 40, what the hell! I was feeling so bad that if someone came up to me then and asked me out I may've come closer to saying yes. Thought for sure, when I get home I was going straight to bed, after a shower of coarse. Nope, didn't. Took a shower, then did my stretches, I was fine this time. After my mom got off my laptop I started cross-stitching. This helps, being a very focused project, to keep my mind off of the things that are bothering me, most of the time. Though sometimes I just start cursing loudly, I was okay, so far tonight with it. Always helps to listen to some music videos I like on Youtube as well while stitching.
I'm sorry you suffer so much, you probably need a chat with a doctor about this and see what's going on with you, personally I find it worrisome and you seem like such a nice little woman. I hope you can get some help dear.
Stupid student directors and their not understanding that sound takes time.
Stupid sound crew members who somehow seem to do the opposite of whats a logical way to spend time, and somehow seem to miss huge chunks of information in conversations.... like when we told the director we'd conform to his new edit by the end of the night and then i leave and come back only to find him working on the old edit. WE TALKED ABOUT MOVING TO THE NEW PICTURE RIGHT BEFORE I LEFT!!! what?!
I hate being a supervisor.
Quote from: GnomeKid on May 24, 2014, 09:45:45 PM
Stupid student directors and their not understanding that sound takes time.
Stupid sound crew members who somehow seem to do the opposite of whats a logical way to spend time, and somehow seem to miss huge chunks of information in conversations.... like when we told the director we'd conform to his new edit by the end of the night and then i leave and come back only to find him working on the old edit. WE TALKED ABOUT MOVING TO THE NEW PICTURE RIGHT BEFORE I LEFT!!! what?!
I hate being a supervisor.
As someone who has held supervisor manager positions. Allow me to give you some advice. "If it comes to a choice it is far safer to be feared then loved". No more Mr. Nice Boss you may hate yourself for doing it they may not like it but it sounds like it's time to rant and rave and get them into line. It is also a good stress relief for any build up your having on the project itself
Quote from: immortal gypsy on May 24, 2014, 11:13:44 PM
As someone who has held supervisor manager positions. Allow me to give you some advice. "If it comes to a choice it is far safer to be feared then loved". No more Mr. Nice Boss you may hate yourself for doing it they may not like it but it sounds like it's time to rant and rave and get them into line. It is also a good stress relief for any build up your having on the project itself
yea... at this point the project will be over after tomorrow night, so I'm still trying not to make any enemies through it all...
That is definitely good advice though.. I've gotten myself into a few bad spots on this project because of just being too nice about things. I got thrown into a supervisor role through a class assignment.... I'm really very inexperienced at supervision....
Feeling sick, have aches and bad headache. :(
Slept in until 11am as dead to the world.
Feeling really self concious about my body, particularly the lack of shorts in my wardrobe and my breast size.
A few weeks ago, I was happy with where they were for only a few weeks in. Now, they haven't changed at all. I have to watch what shirts I wear, can't wear anything V neck, otherwise it'll be obvious that I'm faking it.
Feeling sad and wondering what the hecks? :-\
Quote from: Jenny07 on May 25, 2014, 02:39:02 AM
Feeling sick, have aches and bad headache. :(
Slept in until 11am as dead to the world.
Sleeping enough is essential for maintaining your health!
barbie~~
Have to see a family member in like a few minutes that I haven't seen since December. I hate this because I look so different from then and it's pretty obvious I'm transitioning. It wouldn't freak me out so much if they were someone that doesn't comment on stuff, but they aren't afraid to make comments if they notice something. So freaked out right now. I can't wait for all these things to just be an uncomfortable memory and to finally be done with all this sort of stuff.
Quote from: learningtolive on May 25, 2014, 01:11:37 PM
Have to see a family member in like a few minutes that I haven't seen since December. I hate this because I look so different from then and it's pretty obvious I'm transitioning. It wouldn't freak me out so much if they were someone that doesn't comment on stuff, but they aren't afraid to make comments if they notice something. So freaked out right now. I can't wait for all these things to just be an uncomfortable memory and to finally be done with all this sort of stuff.
Poor child! Keep us posted on that issue, maybe you'll be surprised.
50's is nice, 60's is warm, 70's is hot, and 80's is Hell on Earth. Come back, fall and winter!
Quote from: Pitch on May 25, 2014, 03:58:39 PM
50's is nice, 60's is warm, 70's is hot, and 80's is Hell on Earth. Come back, fall and winter!
^Keep your winter.
Quote from: Shantel on May 25, 2014, 01:25:29 PM
Poor child! Keep us posted on that issue, maybe you'll be surprised.
Actually, it's been going well so far. My mom had her sisters come over for a little get together. Everyone is nice, but I'm now sure my mom told everyone or they at least figured it out. The aunt that I was fearing would notice something used female pronouns with me (called me both her and she) and acted like it was an accident. I'm guessing that's her way of telling me that she knows. But other than that it went well. I don't know why I'm so ashamed to be myself. Got to get over it. Oh and another sign was my mom came over and gave me a big hug after speaking with her sisters and one of my other aunts sort of looked at me a certain way. Nothing is bad, just got to get used to the fact that people know and that's it.
Quote from: learningtolive on May 25, 2014, 04:49:29 PM
Actually, it's been going well so far. My mom had her sisters come over for a little get together. Everyone is nice, but I'm now sure my mom told everyone or they at least figured it out. The aunt that I was fearing would notice something used female pronouns with me (called me both her and she) and acted like it was an accident. I'm guessing that's her way of telling me that she knows. But other than that it went well. I don't know why I'm so ashamed to be myself. Got to get over it. Oh and another sign was my mom came over and gave me a big hug after speaking with her sisters and one of my other aunts sort of looked at me a certain way. Nothing is bad, just got to get used to the fact that people know and that's it.
Wow how cool is that huh? I'm so pleased for you sweetie, yes you need to chill about all that unnecessary anxiety, I've seen your photo and frankly you look pretty and female to me, so I can't see why your own relatives would see anything different either.
Quote from: Shantel on May 25, 2014, 06:26:31 PM
Wow how cool is that huh? I'm so pleased for you sweetie, yes you need to chill about all that unnecessary anxiety, I've seen your photo and frankly you look pretty and female to me, so I can't see why your own relatives would see anything different either.
Thanks Shantel, that's sweet of you to say. And you are right about how I can be. I have some really bad anxiety and depression, so I admit that I can be a little paranoid and nutty. The good news is I am improving, just insanely slow. But mainly it's the whole in between stage and uncertainty of it all. I'll get past it all one day, give or take 100 years, lol.
Well, I still don't have my port side rear tire fixed yet. no boating til I do, and since I'm getting my gender change on my drivers license Friday I'll need get it fixed before then if I want to go out next weekend. My gender change on my license is most important to me though, and it will come before anything else.
But worse, my two best friends in the world seem to have dropped off the face of the earth. I'm getting very worried about them.
Ally :icon_flower:
Memorial Day
It is a day of remembrance, many people including myself have lost family and friends and some of my neighbors take it pretty hard and have a really difficult time coping :icon_cry2: :icon_cry2: :icon_cry2:
It is not a holiday and the the Memorial Day sales that all the various retailers put on are nothing less than disgusting to me :icon_anger:
Anyway, that's my gripe :P
Quote from: birkin on May 21, 2014, 09:14:06 PM
Lauren and Malachite, I feel you there. I'm either overqualified, or underqualified (as in, I have education and some experience, but they want 5+ years). And when I find one I am qualified for...they want you to have your own car. -_- Even when the job doesn't require travel or driving lol. I think they just want to weed out applicants who take the bus, since they may have had people using transit as an excuse to be late. I swear, as soon as I have a job, and I sort out my finances, I'm investing into a vehicle first, and then first aid/CPR/suicide intervention training right after. That way if I need a job I have more options in the future.
That's horrible. Such discrimination against non-drivers. I hope you're able to get a vehicle soon. :/
Work went pretty well today, long day tho, finally in the hotel, in a cami and leggings to relax and fall asleep in..
I got a call from one of my girl cousins earlier today, one who knows what I'm going thru.. I thought it was my cousin L, but it was actually her younger sister, but they sounded exactly alike, she said "Hi ______, do you want me to call you that, or do I call you Paula? I can call you anythnig you want, I love both names, but I want you to feel ok.." Still thought it was L, we chatted for a few more minutes, still calling her the wrong name, she said she was working nights for a long time, and I can call anytime.. It wasnt until -after- we hung up, did I realize it was not L but her sister.. so I called her back, and texted her, saying I was really sorry, calling her wrong name, and how she sounded soooo much like her sister.. I felt really bad, because, well, their whole family is really supporting me, more than my own, and it means the world to me, and I felt bad i didnt know who I was talking to. I since changed the contact name for her phone number so it shows both name and face correctly. she laffed it off.. but I still feel bad about it. Small as things go, but being called the right name, is a big thing for me.
4am just getting home from the emergency vet with my dog. Ugh what a long night, thank god I'm off tomorrow or today whatever good night.
I was told that I am not trans because According to this guy I have spoken to over the last week, I am emotional. He said this because I had asked him to stop calling my phone at unreasonable hours of the morning like 2am 3am. He didnt like it when I told him it is rude and disrespectful abd proceeded to say that im not trans because i am emotional and that I should put my phone on silent like normal people! I then asked him to leave me alone and that im not normal and dont want to ve normal and that he has no right whatsoever to discredit my being trans because of his rude and unasked for behaviour. I called my mobile phone company and asked them to block the fools number. This guy was a Cop, and thinks he knows way too much about issues that he has proven to not actually know anything about. He kept pestering and pestering and it was unbearable!
Friend showed up very late with girl problems and we talked for hours. That would not be a problem except that it's 4am and I usually wake up at 7 or 8 no matter what time I go to bed. I should be happy for now and unhappy later but it's hard not to be unhappy in anticipation of future stress.
Quote from: bubbles21 on May 26, 2014, 06:19:02 AM
I was told that I am not trans because According to this guy I have spoken to over the last week, I am emotional. He said this because I had asked him to stop calling my phone at unreasonable hours of the morning like 2am 3am. He didnt like it when I told him it is rude and disrespectful abd proceeded to say that im not trans because i am emotional and that I should put my phone on silent like normal people! I then asked him to leave me alone and that im not normal and dont want to ve normal and that he has no right whatsoever to discredit my being trans because of his rude and unasked for behaviour. I called my mobile phone company and asked them to block the fools number. This guy was a Cop, and thinks he knows way too much about issues that he has proven to not actually know anything about. He kept pestering and pestering and it was unbearable!
This happens way too much to too many people. Nobody but you gets to decide what your gender is.
Thats exactly right felix.
Quote from: bubbles21 on May 26, 2014, 06:19:02 AM
I was told that I am not trans because According to this guy I have spoken to over the last week, I am emotional. He said this because I had asked him to stop calling my phone at unreasonable hours of the morning like 2am 3am. He didnt like it when I told him it is rude and disrespectful abd proceeded to say that im not trans because i am emotional and that I should put my phone on silent like normal people! I then asked him to leave me alone and that im not normal and dont want to ve normal and that he has no right whatsoever to discredit my being trans because of his rude and unasked for behaviour. I called my mobile phone company and asked them to block the fools number. This guy was a Cop, and thinks he knows way too much about issues that he has proven to not actually know anything about. He kept pestering and pestering and it was unbearable!
There are zillions of people thinking differently. It is his own belief and business, and it does not matter.
barbie~~
Quote from: V M on May 25, 2014, 11:44:03 PM
Memorial Day
It is a day of remembrance, many people including myself have lost family and friends and some of my neighbors take it pretty hard and have a really difficult time coping :icon_cry2: :icon_cry2: :icon_cry2:
It is not a holiday and the the Memorial Day sales that all the various retailers put on are nothing less than disgusting to me :icon_anger:
Anyway, that's my gripe :P
That's a really good point. Something about the commercialism is very distasteful and disrespectful to those who severed and lost their lives. Though, I do believe the day itself is a good thing to reflect on. Remembering those who gave everything for us is very important no matter who you are or what you believe.
You actually reminded me of something different yet related- the fact that the 9/11 museum is selling a whole bunch of merch. I was 12 year old kid when the World Trade Center was attacked. I'll never forget being in school with a bunch of kids that were crying and terrified in fear that their parents or other family members that worked near or in the towers were dead. It was absolutely horrendous and one of the worst days of my life. Two months after that, I see a bunch of companies selling a bunch of merchandise and trying to make a buck on the tragedy. I was so disgusted then, and now to see the museum is doing the same just makes me a little ill.
Quote from: bubbles21 on May 26, 2014, 06:19:02 AM
I was told that I am not trans because According to this guy I have spoken to over the last week, I am emotional. He said this because I had asked him to stop calling my phone at unreasonable hours of the morning like 2am 3am. He didnt like it when I told him it is rude and disrespectful abd proceeded to say that im not trans because i am emotional and that I should put my phone on silent like normal people! I then asked him to leave me alone and that im not normal and dont want to ve normal and that he has no right whatsoever to discredit my being trans because of his rude and unasked for behaviour. I called my mobile phone company and asked them to block the fools number. This guy was a Cop, and thinks he knows way too much about issues that he has proven to not actually know anything about. He kept pestering and pestering and it was unbearable!
If he persists perhaps a formal complaint to his head honcho will suffice, they may decide that he's not suitable in that profession and he'll have to find a new job elsewhere. When a something is irritating me I reach in my tool bag and bring out my biggest hammer and <WHAP...SPLATTER> it's handled.
Grandfather in the hospital, again.
I am not doing well. I hate being nuts.
Quote from: MyKa on May 26, 2014, 04:08:43 AM
4am just getting home from the emergency vet with my dog. Ugh what a long night, thank god I'm off tomorrow or today whatever good night.
I hope your dog is ok
Feeling talentless, useless, ugly, unwanted and unloved.
Quote from: Charley Bea(EmeraldP) on May 26, 2014, 01:56:07 PM
Feeling talentless, useless, ugly, unwanted and unloved.
Cheer up hon, we all go through that, it's a cyclical thing!
Broke piggy, purple piggy...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi686.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fvv228%2Fjaime_r_d%2Fpurplepiggy.jpg&hash=2a259486d58b69b062065ef2bdb2a863d802fb17)
Quote from: Jaime R D on May 26, 2014, 02:23:51 PM
Broke piggy, purple piggy...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi686.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fvv228%2Fjaime_r_d%2Fpurplepiggy.jpg&hash=2a259486d58b69b062065ef2bdb2a863d802fb17)
Owchie, what happened hon?
I was going down the carpeted stairs at home this morning, slipped and the little piggy sacrificed itself to save me from more serious injury. it didn't hurt much until later at work after it started swelling and turning that lovely color. I had to go without one shoe for more than half the day. I told a few people that I was saving up for the other shoe when they asked.
Quote from: Jaime R D on May 26, 2014, 02:41:47 PM
I was going down the carpeted stairs at home this morning, slipped and the little piggy sacrificed itself to save me from more serious injury. it didn't hurt much until later at work after it started swelling and turning that lovely color. I had to go without one shoe for more than half the day. I told a few people that I was saving up for the other shoe when they asked.
Poor lil piggy, you have a great sense of humor though!
I'm very worried about a very close friend of mine. I hope she gets to feeling better soon.
Ally :icon_flower:
Quote from: Shantel on May 26, 2014, 02:10:55 PMCheer up hon, we all go through that, it's a cyclical thing!
If so, the cycles are really long. Like a few years long.
Quote from: Lauren5 on May 26, 2014, 05:37:48 PM
If so, the cycles are really long. Like a few years long.
Well yeah if you insist on maintaining an ongoing "Poor Me" attitude, but it's really not necessary if you change the tape that runs like Groundhog Day in your head and focus on something different outside of self, self, self.
I hate my life, I'm ugly and alone except for the weekends, then the cycle goes through again. I hate my life!
Quote from: Donna Troy on May 26, 2014, 06:18:37 PM
I hate my life, I'm ugly and alone except for the weekends, then the cycle goes through again. I hate my life!
That post I wrote ahead of yours is applicable to you too hon, you and I have talked about that before many times.
bad mental health day.
haven't eaten enough. haven't walked the dog
my friend thinks I should text my therapist.
Quote from: christopher on May 26, 2014, 07:03:47 PM
bad mental health day.
haven't eaten enough. haven't walked the dog
my friend thinks I should text my therapist.
Oh hey Christopher, take care of yourself dear, yes text your therapist.
So, I was talking to my brother about my ->-bleeped-<- (it IS a word, right?). As someone who's not only transgender himself but also a regular for a community full of transgender people, I'm well aware of the issues I'll face every day once I live a genderfluid lifestyle. However, as I was enthusiastically discussing some of my life goals with my brother, he took from my positive tone that I wasn't aware of these issues and gave me a lecture on how I should assume the worst in people.
We ended the conversation on a calm note, but I was annoyed so I discussed this with a friend. She pointed out that we were both right. He was only looking out for me by reminding me of humanity's ugly side, solely because it's safer to be weary of it. He's not unreasonable for thinking that, and that's goddamn wrong. I then realised that the main reason I was angry wasn't because I felt my brother was being condescending, but because we live in a world so ugly that it's safer for me to hide my feminine side, and that's goddamn wrong too.
And that's what upsets me. As a guy, I'm three times more likely to be attacked anyway. Rape is one of the most vile things you can do to another human being, but adding it to a mix of severe assault and murder (which are also terrible things to happen) still doesn't hold up to the bigger picture. What I'm saying is that the fact I have to be cautious merely because I'm transgender makes me feel much, much worse than the idea of having any of these terrible things happen to me. That's what makes me feel awful.
It's a ->-bleeped-<-e state of affairs.
My upper lip feels really dry, but chapstick isn't helping. :(
Meh, nearly my whole life practically. lol
I want to tell my Welsh friend how I feel about him, but I'm nervous he finds our flirting to be completely casual and I'd be crazy to try and be serious about it.
Also slept a sleep that is more suited for Moldova than Michigan.
The month of May can kiss my ass, from hearing I will need my 3rd hip surgery to the news of my uncle dying today. I will be glad when June arrives, have ba consultation on the 23rd ;)
Having a bad mental health day today.. I should be happy that my fiance will officially be here tomorrow morning, but I'm so scared about him going back home and currently really lonely and worried. I just wish I had my ->-bleeped-<- situated and I was financially stable and secure so I could go back with him.
I can't wait until I get a job. I can't stand facial hair, leg hair, or the pain (some during, but it's mostly after, especially on the neck and thighs) and frustration shaving gives me, but laser is #7 on my list of importance, being essential food, rent, medical costs, transportation, cosmetics, some simple pleasures (a new book, some special food, new pair of shoes, maybe go and see a movie) mostly due to its cost. It's super super frustrating.
I'm just going through another dip in my mood again, I think it's another chemical thing. I don't get any real pleasure form anything, I'm easily bored and tired, etc.
Worrying about friends and various other people and other worries in general :-\
I Just got upsat at my dad. for eating? We dont do anything together anymore. (its nothing trans related) Its his life style hes very active and when he gets home he just wants to relax. So I come up to my room out of his way for a bit.
Sorry its just no matter what youd think meal times would be somthing we did together... so yeah going downstairs to find he cooked for himself got to me. Im not saying i want him to cook for me. I would just of been nice to be envolved in it. so i could off done somthing with him.
This happens a lot. he doesnt see how when this happens i feel like iv been robbed of a bit of father time. a father i love. a father i wish i spent more time with. It hurts. so yeah i got upset about it, that got him upset, that made me feel worse.
Cuddles sorrys and I love yous. but does wanting to spend more time with my dad have to hurt so much when it doesnt happen.
Quote from: V M on May 28, 2014, 08:45:46 AM
Worrying about friends and various other people and other worries in general :-\
Ditto.
Pobably what sparked my episode with my dad.
hugs
Same here. I have several friends with serious issues to deal with and I worry to no end for their well being.
*Grumble* *grouse* Stupid annoying issue getting on my nerves at work *moan* *whinge*
Hang on, there are people here who would love to put up with my stupid annoying issue so that they could have a stable income.
Never mind... perhaps it isn't so bad after all.
Quote from: Kimberley Beauregard on May 28, 2014, 08:02:51 AM
I'm just going through another dip in my mood again, I think it's another chemical thing. I don't get any real pleasure form anything, I'm easily bored and tired, etc.
I'm going through a little bit of this myself right now with the exception of the easily tired part. Hopefully by Friday I'll be back to myself.
Ally :icon_flower:
I really feel some empathy for those of you who are down, depressed, bored and are forever having some kind of mood aberration, for some reason this never happens to me, either because I'm too stupid to recognize it or that I've been through so much, seen so much, suffered so much, experienced so much death and destruction in my past so life now in comparison is a bed of roses, I'm standing in tall clover and every day is great, even if it isn't always terrific. Best wishes to everyone down in the dumps because it's going to get better soon, cheer up cause I guarantee that you aint seen nuthin baby.
Didn't sleep, couldn't shut my mind off :P I just laid there in bed sweating and now I have to get ready for my therapist appointment and try to stay coherent
Quote from: V M on May 28, 2014, 12:42:13 PM
Didn't sleep, couldn't shut my mind off :P I just laid there in bed sweating and now I have to get ready for my therapist appointment and try to stay coherent
I hate that when my mind wants to keep running in high gear all night, that sucks!
Got told today my team is being offshored all to save a few dollars and add a tenth of a cent to the shareholders dividends.
They expect me to go over and train them up on a technical role as they have no experience at all.
I have 18 years myself and that seem all worthless to them. >:(
Just when things were going so well.
Quote from: Jenny07 on May 29, 2014, 03:58:11 AM
Got told today my team is being offshored all to save a few dollars and add a tenth of a cent to the shareholders dividends.
They expect me to go over and train them up on a technical role as they have no experience at all.
I have 18 years myself and that seem all worthless to them. >:(
Just when things were going so well.
Pretty sad Jenny! Seems like the days when one worked for the same company for 30 years, got the gold watch and big retirement package are a thing of the past. I had to re-invent myself several times because of it too.
20 weeks of heavy sitting in class (2 10 week quarters with just 1 week inbetween) have brought my back into a constant state of discomfort and pain
Oh i need to find a job where i dont have to sit often......
If you can't laugh, you just cry. As some of you may be aware, I've been having a really rough past two days. Quite frankly, I feel like I've just walked into hell and bought a mental condo there. But whatever, it's my own fault and I'll deal with what I brought upon myself. However, I wanted just a little good news. WEll it appears that UPS lost my delivery with my name on the package (it's been stated delivered two days and they brought two other packages for me today). Now I have to consider my neighbors opening up a big package with a bunch of makeup with my name on it. Yay! If people didn't know I was trans, they will now. And it's not like I can call ups, begging them to find my eyeliner and concealer. God, I hate my name. Seriously, it could be worse and it was only makeup, thank god, but I'm out of money and embarrassed even considering that someone around me or who knows me opened it up. Sigh. Any other day, I'd just laugh it off, to a degree, but I really don't need this right now.
Quote from: learningtolive on May 29, 2014, 04:09:52 PM
If you can't laugh, you just cry. As some of you may be aware, I've been having a really rough past two days. Quite frankly, I feel like I've just walked into hell and bought a mental condo there. But whatever, it's my own fault and I'll deal with what I brought upon myself. However, I wanted just a little good news. WEll it appears that UPS lost my delivery with my name on the package (it's been stated delivered two days and they brought two other packages for me today). Now I have to consider my neighbors opening up a big package with a bunch of makeup with my name on it. Yay! If people didn't know I was trans, they will now. And it's not like I can call ups, begging them to find my eyeliner and concealer. God, I hate my name. Seriously, it could be worse and it was only makeup, thank god, but I'm out of money and embarrassed even considering that someone around me or who knows me opened it up. Sigh. Any other day, I'd just laugh it off, to a degree, but I really don't need this right now.
oh one of my neighbours, did just that to me. but hers your silver lining. "I didn't order this! somebody has either messed up addresses for me and someone else or somebodies ordering things in my name and forgot to change address. either way Im going to need that to sort this out. what company was it from again? IF I wasn't so concerned my security has been breached I might have more to say about, my privacy being breached -que suspicious look at your neighbours-"
You'd think the neighbor would be ashamed to be a thief.
Quote from: learningtolive on May 29, 2014, 04:09:52 PM
Now I have to consider my neighbors opening up a big package with a bunch of makeup with my name on it. Yay! If people didn't know I was trans, they will now. And it's not like I can call ups, begging them to find my eyeliner and concealer.
Simple... "It's a gift for my niece/aunty/girlfriend/mother..." :)
Or use the old 'Oh they put my brothers name on it' routine.
Thanks everyone. It just sucks to have lost a package when you pay for a bunch of merchandise and feel too embarrassed about getting a refund. I've actually had mail stolen in the past, so it's possible that it wasn't lost and was picked up by someone. Just wish it wasn't a bunch of makeup with my male name on the box. Oh well, live and learn.
I lost a ring I care about very much today due to my being in a rush to get to my SO's. I know it's here in my house somewhere. I hope it turns up soon.
Ally :icon_flower:
I have been in a love-related depression for the pass few days, and my trigeminal neuralgia has been acting up a lot lately, so I've been wallowing in my unhappiness and not getting stuff done that I need to get done >.<
My life is not in a good plaxe
There was a serious incident downstairs at the mini mart under my appartment.
5 police cars and the forensic people swarming all over for 4 hours.
Got home just after whatever happened.
I hope no one was hurt.
I don't seem to matter to someone I care deeply about and thought was my best friend. This has made me very sad today.
Ally :icon_flower:
Quote from: Jenny07 on May 30, 2014, 07:06:33 AM
There was a serious incident downstairs at the mini mart under my appartment.
5 police cars and the forensic people swarming all over for 4 hours.
Got home just after whatever happened.
I hope no one was hurt.
You OK?
I'm Ok.
Used to get a lot of this kind of stuff living at Kings Cross.
Still don't like this happening at your front door. >:(
And, I got a second whammy of sadness today at the DMV. The person whom I talked to on the phone prior to getting my letter from my Endo forgot to tell me all of the needed information that must be on his letter for me to get my gender changed. So now Tuesday even though I don't have an appointment with him this month, Tuesday I gotta drive all the way down to his office to get these corrections made so I can have my gender changed on my license. So another $45. worth of gas I wasn't counting on this month. What's worse is I spent two hours making myself look pretty for my new Driver's License photo. I was nearly in tears when I left the DMV.
Today has been a really crappy day in the life of Allyda. :icon_cry:
Ally :icon_zombie:
Rudeness.
Does anyone know where I can rent some sheep to cut my lawn :P
OK So it's not a major deal but it has become annoying as this is now going on six weeks now. (Wavy lines,flash back to the end of April) I go back to the shed and try to start the old riding lawn mower. You guessed it's dead. Talked to a friend who knows how to fix this type of stuff and he's going to come out and try to fix it. Anyways he keeps getting tied up and is unable to come out to look at it. (The mower being ten years old it's not worth taking it in any more) After a month of this,finally decide to get a new one.
This is now two weeks ago Saturday. (In the mean time the grass is getting fairly tall and looking a bit on the wild side.) I wanted a grass catcher which they didn't have it in stock and it was suppose to be in on Monday. (Not a biggie as it was going to rain till sometime Monday) WELLLLL the grass did NOT come in on Monday or Tuesday but it finally came on Weds and they finally delivered it. So far so good. Start using it on Weds. (Very,very slow going as the grass is not almost 2 feet tall) It took me over 2 hours to mow the front. :P
Last week Thursday I figured would try to get as much done on the back as I could. (We have a 3 1/3 acre piece of property) Just barely got started and you guessed it. The mower stops dead and won't move. (The motor is running but it just will not move) Houston I think we have a problem. Get off the mower and look underneath it and I see the drive belts have come off the gears,I also see a part that kind of looks like a plastic fan,HMM that part was NOT on the ground before. This part might be important for the mower to run. Anyways call the place where we got it. They would be out later in the afternoon to look at it,but if I could try to move it to the driveway. (UMMM Guys the mower is way in the back) Try as hard as I could I couldn't get it to budge an inch. They finally come out and get it started and moving (One of the guys replaced the belts) Turns out the mower can not be run very long without that part that looks like a fan. Turned out to be the transmission fan. (Great have the mower less then 24 hours and now it's has to go to the shop)
As of today,a bit over a week later they still haven't gotten the part,the grass is so tall the resident woodchuck can stick her cute little black nose out of the grass like a periscope and all you see is the tip of her little black nose and the very top of her head. And when she moves you see the grass waving around,can't see her but you know she's there. (Cute little critter)
At the rate it's going I might just be able to get the lawn mowed by labor day. :P
Liam might loan you a couple. The postage might cost more than a new mower though.
Quote from: LordKAT on May 31, 2014, 08:15:43 AM
Liam might loan you a couple. The postage might cost more than a new mower though.
There is that,although it might be quicker and cheaper just to fly to Sweden to get the part. :P
Quote from: SarahM777 on May 31, 2014, 05:20:00 PM
There is that,although it might be quicker and cheaper just to fly to Sweden to get the part. :P
or just return the mower that you bought, get a full refund, do some research on another mower and buy it. Problem solved. lol
I wrote a post that set off my own dysphoria, I usually can keep it under control, but thinking and writing about it sent it into overtime.
My father is going to get himself arrested/killed.....
He really needs to think before he acts and not get his macho attitude get in the way....because if he overreacts (which he already has). Me, my brother and my mom may wind up dead.
Quote from: King Malachite on May 31, 2014, 07:58:45 PM
My father is going to get himself arrested/killed.....
He really needs to think before he acts and not get his macho attitude get in the way....because if he overreacts (which he already has). Me, my brother and my mom may wind up dead.
This situation sounds serious. It sounds like you, your Brother and your Mom need to get away from him. Try to get your Father help any way you can. However, If you feel like your life may be in danger you need to contact the authorities. Staying there is not worth you, your brother, or your Mom getting maimed or killed.
All my hopes things will get better.
Hugs. :icon_hug:
Ally :icon_flower:
Quote from: Allyda on May 31, 2014, 08:21:28 PM
This situation sounds serious. It sounds like you, your Brother and your Mom need to get away from him. Try to get your Father help any way you can. However, If you feel like your life may be in danger you need to contact the authorities. Staying there is not worth you, your brother, or your Mom getting maimed or killed.
All my hopes things will get better.
Hugs. :icon_hug:
Ally :icon_flower:
It's not my dad I'm worried about. It's the people he's messing with that has me concerned. Someone was apparently harassing my autistic brother at his apartment so he went over there to ask people about the guy who was doing it and threatened to kill him
ever since lunch I've been feeling sick and it's just getting worse. so nauseous
and went to the barber shop to get a haircut. first time I've tried that. the guys said "I only serve men" then he added "and we are closed". sign said open. And I just took it so I feel like a wimp
Quote from: christopher on May 31, 2014, 08:53:50 PM
ever since lunch I've been feeling sick and it's just getting worse. so nauseous
and went to the barber shop to get a haircut. first time I've tried that. the guys said "I only serve men" then he added "and we are closed". sign said open. And I just took it so I feel like a wimp
Hope you feel better soon.
One bad experience hope you don't let it get you down to much. That jerk of a barber didn't deserve your business anyway. Hope you find the confidence again soon to try again with a different barber, remember bad publicity spreads faster then good. When you're feeling better tell everyone you know locally about this bad experience word will soon get out >:-)
Quote from: King Malachite on May 31, 2014, 08:50:08 PM
It's not my dad I'm worried about. It's the people he's messing with that has me concerned. Someone was apparently harassing my autistic brother at his apartment so he went over there to ask people about the guy who was doing it and threatened to kill him
I'm so sorry for misunderstanding. I hope your dad realizes these other people aren't worth you and your family's safety. I wish you the best of luck with your situation. And again, I'm sorry for misunderstanding at first.
Ally :icon_flower:
I need to get some more sports bras as one in nowhere near enough.
Tired to sum up the courage but couldn't do it. :(
It's not an option anymore so I just have to do it.
Will try again tomorrow as I need at least 2 more to keep B1 and B2 under control when out running and riding.
I need aunty Catherine's help I think.
Bad weather cancelled my boating plans today. After the crappy week I had, I was really looking forward to a day out on the water. :icon_anger:
Ally :icon_flower:
My apartment is a mess, I have three and a half hours before my son comes home to finish all the things I can only do when he's not home (ie almost everything), and I'm already exhausted.
I want to complete so many sewing projects, but I can only do them when my son isn't home which is limited time and I'm pretty terrible at sewing still.
I want to learn so much stuff, but don't know where or how I can learn it. Even if I could find classes to help, I can't take them because they're not at times I'm available.
The neighbours at the back of my house are having a loud party.. It's midnight on a Sunday night and it's loud n I'm up in 6 hours :(
They better shut up soon
Quote from: radsi on June 01, 2014, 06:07:27 PM
The neighbours at the back of my house are having a loud party.. It's midnight on a Sunday night and it's loud n I'm up in 6 hours :(
They better shut up soon
10 PM is usually the deadline for that, beyond 10PM they're disturbing the peace, obviously they don't care about you, call the cops!
My mom ate the pack of dry vegetables I had saved for about a week to put in my noodles. She put them in hers today.
AGONY!
All the friendship fights at school. I've absolutely had it.
The fact that I'm all alone, I don't know when this pain is going to end and I want to kill myself
I'm facing eviction again after being let go from my job at Toyota 2 weeks ago. This time there is no one we could stay with and I'm unemployed. If it were just me I would say screw it, grab my PC and go. But I have a son to look out for and a wife who doesnt want to work. I have barely slept these past 2 weeks. So, It was suggested that i sell a print of one of my models. I just completed it and i'm happy with it. Now to see if it will sell, because my back is against the wall and I am all out of luck.
Donna please reach out and get the help you DESERVE you are a beautiful person and things will get better.
Quote from: Rainbow Brite on June 02, 2014, 04:58:53 AMI'm facing eviction again after being let go from my job at Toyota 2 weeks ago. This time there is no one we could stay with and I'm unemployed. If it were just me I would say screw it, grab my PC and go. But I have a son to look out for and a wife who doesnt want to work. I have barely slept these past 2 weeks. So, It was suggested that i sell a print of one of my models. I just completed it and i'm happy with it. Now to see if it will sell, because my back is against the wall and I am all out of luck.
I'm in a similar situation. Unemployed for over a month, no one wants to hire me, money has gone trying to feed myself, and rent should be asked for any time now. At least you've got your art to sell, I've nothing of the sort. I'm really, really stuck.
My mother e-mailed me.
Quote from: Rainbow Brite on June 02, 2014, 04:58:53 AM
I'm facing eviction again after being let go from my job at Toyota 2 weeks ago. This time there is no one we could stay with and I'm unemployed. If it were just me I would say screw it, grab my PC and go. But I have a son to look out for and a wife who doesnt want to work. I have barely slept these past 2 weeks. So, It was suggested that i sell a print of one of my models. I just completed it and i'm happy with it. Now to see if it will sell, because my back is against the wall and I am all out of luck.
Yeah, and I'm unhappy because there's nothing I can do to help. :( I don't even have two nickels to rub together, but fortunately, I still live with my parents atm.
woke up this morning and felt extremely pissed off for some reason. not my best day.
Went to get my ears pieced and buy a few things, walked away having to hold back tears and being mad and angry at the world/woman who were lucky enough to be born fully female because A) they didn't have the things I was looking for and B) because I had to present my photo ID which is out dated and also would out myself. :(
All that for nearly nothing and I'd waited at LEAST a quarter of a year for them to get those blasted ear rings in too! >:(
I think I'm going to go make a thread about my day today, giving a better/longer version of what happened. (Maybe..)
Oh yea! Almost forgot, having to be out in "guy mode" today right after being out in girl mode earlier..
EDIT: Yea, I made the thread. If anyone's interested in reading the long version of my day then here you go. lol https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,166270.msg1440472.html#msg1440472
It seems like I'll never get enough money to get top surgery, even with the job I have. I just make too little, and what I do make will seem to have to go to other things.
Quote from: King Malachite on June 02, 2014, 05:30:56 PMIt seems like I'll never get enough money to get top surgery, even with the job I have. I just make too little, and what I do make will seem to have to go to other things.
You finally got a job?
If you're employed only part time, it may be prudent to seek a second job. What I plan to do is have at least two, if not three, jobs, deposit one paycheck into my checking account to pay for basic nececities and have a bit left over (should be about $100 per two weeks left if I did the math right) and then deposit the one from the second job straight into my savings account, try and save up that way, and know to only touch the money in the savings account in an emergency.
Right now, first step is just getting one job, I can worry about the second and possible third one after I finally get hired to one, establish the basic necessities and get myself back on my feet, then focus on saving.
Going to take a while, also should find somewhere to live that's cheaper. I was told that I'd be paying $200 a month here, subleasing from my friend. But that was the under the table price. Since she was going to be out of the country, I wanted to make sure everything was official. Didn't realise that meant paying the official ($350 a month) sublease fee. And "utilities included" means water, internet, and amenities that I don't use, like the pool and exercise room (I can't drop too many more pounds or I'll be underweight, I get enough exercise from walking everywhere) and gas and electricity were a separate fee, $30 a month. So it jumped from $200 to $380 a month. Can't keep that up for a year. To find somewhere for less than $300 a month means sharing a 3 bed/1 bath place with 3 other people. I'd much prefer to live alone, or at least have my own bathroom, as I have here.
Quote from: Lauren5 on June 02, 2014, 09:53:54 AM
I'm in a similar situation. Unemployed for over a month, no one wants to hire me, money has gone trying to feed myself, and rent should be asked for any time now. At least you've got your art to sell, I've nothing of the sort. I'm really, really stuck.
*hugs* I hate to see you in that position too. And art doesnt sell too well, lol. I've sold 1 print so far. And I wont see a penny from it until next month.
My criminal record check shows my old name in big fat letters. For all employers to see! -_-
I had to go shopping for semi-formal clothes today. Dress pants don't fit me. They make me look like Tweedledum. My hips are huge. They're even big by woman standards. The worst part is I'm not even fat. I look fat though because I have to hide my huge hips.
Because it is so difficult for me to find dress pants that don't look completely horrible, nothing is going to match.
Writing checks. A lot of them. For HUGE amounts.
Fed taxes
State taxes
Mortgage
Homeowner's, fire and earthquake insurance
Car insurance
City of Los Angeles
Landscape
Orchi doctor
Credit cards online.
So we bottom out on the 15th and get to live on credit until September. Good thing our Vegas trip is mostly paid for other than food. I hate June.
Maybe this belongs in the AAARRRGGGH! section?
Quote from: Jill F on June 03, 2014, 06:37:41 PM
Writing checks. A lot of them. For HUGE amounts.
Fed taxes
State taxes
Mortgage
Homeowner's, fire and earthquake insurance
Car insurance
City of Los Angeles
Landscape
Orchi doctor
Credit cards online.
So we bottom out on the 15th and get to live on credit until September. Good thing our Vegas trip is mostly paid for other than food. I hate June.
Maybe this belongs in the AAARRRGGGH! section?
I can so relate to your pain Jill, every time I get a little ahead a boulder drops out of the sky.
Quote from: Jill F on June 03, 2014, 06:37:41 PM
Writing checks. A lot of them. For HUGE amounts.
Fed taxes
State taxes
Mortgage
Homeowner's, fire and earthquake insurance
Car insurance
City of Los Angeles
Landscape
Orchi doctor
Credit cards online.
So we bottom out on the 15th and get to live on credit until September. Good thing our Vegas trip is mostly paid for other than food. I hate June.
Maybe this belongs in the AAARRRGGGH! section?
OUCH!
There's an AAAAAARRRGH! section? where?
Quote from: Shantel on June 03, 2014, 07:31:15 PM
I can so relate to your pain Jill, every time I get a little ahead a boulder drops out of the sky.
Do you know where it's landing exactly? Either that or wake me up at the end of summer.
Quote from: Jill F on June 03, 2014, 06:37:41 PMWriting checks. A lot of them. For HUGE amounts.
Fed taxes
State taxes
Mortgage
Homeowner's, fire and earthquake insurance
Car insurance
City of Los Angeles
Landscape
Orchi doctor
Credit cards online.
So we bottom out on the 15th and get to live on credit until September. Good thing our Vegas trip is mostly paid for other than food. I hate June.
Maybe this belongs in the AAARRRGGGH! section?
Same issue here. Well, with bills at least, not the writing checks. Time to pay rent, utilities (I was told utilities included in rent, that evidently didn't include electricity and gas, $60 a months (seems WAY too high),) medical bills that my insurance wouldn't cover (specifically one from the first doctor I saw here, the moron one, who also put trans on my record, which has given me all sorts of problems with insurance, even though my current doctor took it off) and one for $9.34 from my blood test. Really? Just $9? The insurance has to be THAT picky?
Point in case, it's some $500+ I owe, of which I can pay about 1% of, since nowhere I apply wants to hire me.
Going to check with dad if it's OK to take out a bank loan to pay for it, and a little more to pay for food and stuff for the next month or so. Some lesson in self sufficiency he's teaching me.
2 months, I've not spoken to my sister since our fight (I emailed her including an apology), fast forward to today, "I" had to be the one to contact her YET AGAIN! Via email again. I was hoping she'd contact me but, well.. ... I'm just saddened and hurt by this and how she's treated me. Now I wonder if she'll f'n call/reply to my email or not..
I didn't get the monitor technician job I wanted. Actually according to the email, no one did because they decided against filling the position....again. The point is that I didn't get the job. *sigh*
I don't know really, just started crying just outa the blue. I was feeling pretty good today, so what the hell happened? Feeling scared right now. Just too much thinking about my future. I need to find something to do to get my mind temporarily off of it.
My supper.
I was real angry earlier when this all happened but now I'm just sad and somewhat upset about it. So I cook myself some delicious hot dogs and was going to make them chili dogs as the last two months I've only had hot dogs. I'd bought some chill so, when I finally opened it up to heat it up, BAM! It had grayish spots in it and to make it worse, where as it should have looked like chili, it was all packed into the can as if it was a can of dog food that you have to break up using a spoon. NEVER have I gotten a can of Hormel chill like this one, and I am NOT happy about it. It's difficult getting to the store so, either I ask someone to take me there or I just lose money.. not to mention I'd have to eat the same old hot dogs for the 3rd month in a row! (The gray spots, I've ran into once or twice before with this brand.. plus I'd forgotten to get chill last time) But, that's not all. My soda drink that's red spilt onto the carpet and my bed sheet, luckily no stains but I'll have to wash the sheets and such tomorrow. And, just to spite me, my food got cold and needed heating back up. Boy was I mad at this point. lol Just finished supper and now to get ready for bed, probably going to lose some sleep sadly.
Quote from: Shana-chan on June 03, 2014, 11:06:13 PM
My supper.
I was real angry earlier when this all happened but now I'm just sad and somewhat upset about it. So I cook myself some delicious hot dogs and was going to make them chili dogs as the last two months I've only had hot dogs. I'd bought some chill so, when I finally opened it up to heat it up, BAM! It had grayish spots in it and to make it worse, where as it should have looked like chili, it was all packed into the can as if it was a can of dog food that you have to break up using a spoon. NEVER have I gotten a can of Hormel chill like this one, and I am NOT happy about it. It's difficult getting to the store so, either I ask someone to take me there or I just lose money.. not to mention I'd have to eat the same old hot dogs for the 3rd month in a row! (The gray spots, I've ran into once or twice before with this brand.. plus I'd forgotten to get chill last time) But, that's not all. My soda drink that's red spilt onto the carpet and my bed sheet, luckily no stains but I'll have to wash the sheets and such tomorrow. And, just to spite me, my food got cold and needed heating back up. Boy was I mad at this point. lol Just finished supper and now to get ready for bed, probably going to lose some sleep sadly.
That sucks, don't eat it if you can't trust it to be safe.
News from last week just gets worse. >:(
I need a drink yet I don't drink......
Very angry.
Quote from: Jenny07 on June 04, 2014, 03:48:19 AM
News from last week just gets worse. >:(
I need a drink yet I don't drink......
Very angry.
Bummer. Is this bad news from work?
I seem to be going through an awkward phase IRL: I seem to have caught a case of foot-in-mouth disease, and I'm embarrassing myself left, right and centre.
Gah. I need to find myself a little hole to crawl into until this passes.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 04, 2014, 04:47:13 AM
I seem to be going through an awkward phase IRL: I seem to have caught a case of foot-in-mouth disease, and I'm embarrassing myself left, right and centre.
Gah. I need to find myself a little hole to crawl into until this passes.
Welcome to my world dear! My SO tells me how amazed she is that I can continue to walk and talk with both feet in my mouth, but it does go eventually.
Quote from: Shantel on June 04, 2014, 08:45:41 AM
Welcome to my world dear! My SO tells me how amazed she is that I can continue to walk and talk with both feet in my mouth, but it does go eventually.
After four decades and counting of saying the wrong thing and embarrassing myself, I've resigned myself to the fact that my life is about going from being an awkward kid to an awkward teen to an awkward adult to an awkward old so-and-so. ;)
But you're right; the feeling of embarrassment does diminish with time. Until the next time. ;D
I don't feel like doing anything at all today. A rainy day just adds to that. That's not inherently bad in itself.
What's bad is the kitchen and bathroom need cleaning. The latter is solely my responsibility, the former, I cleaned last time, so I think my roommate should do it this time. Of course, she doesn't see what's so bad about it, and won't clean it.
I'm really fed up with her, for several reasons. The only reason I tolerate her is because I love her cats. I hate practically being her mother.
I've been sleeping too much lately. It's making me tired.
I keep telling myself I'm going to make a schedule and stick to it to get the stuff done that I want to and then end up doing other stuff instead.
Quote from: Shantel on June 03, 2014, 11:16:21 PM
That sucks, don't eat it if you can't trust it to be safe.
Oh I didn't nor will I. Probably going to throw it away but, I think I may not eat Hormel chili anymore especially if this happens just 1 more time.
Quote from: Shana-chan on June 04, 2014, 04:50:02 PMOh I didn't nor will I. Probably going to throw it away but, I think I may not eat Hormel chili anymore especially if this happens just 1 more time.
My mom makes some pretty good chilli (2 types, her normal southwest style, with chunky meat, vegitables, and beans, and the one I've come to like more, the smoother, spicier (not hot spicy, just has a good blend of spices :P ) Cincinatti-style, which is really good for chilli dogs) I'd ask her to make some and can it up for you, but it doesn't have preservatives or anything, making canning and shipping kinda pointless.
Darn it, you've made me want Skyline Chilli right now. Too bad I'm a few hours from Ohio :(
At work, I'm down the isle working out hair accessories and pull out these really cute headbands so figured, let me see how this fits me, so I use a nearby mirror and try it on, a moment passes and my boss is standing at the end of the isle watching me, he remarks, "Its not you." I reply back, "It could be if I fix myself up pretty." He says back with a slight chuckle, "I'd love to see that." Why'd he have to say such a thing? I'm pretty sure he didn't mean any harm, probably just trying to embarrass me (letting me know he was watching me) with what he thought was light-hearted humor. But I was crushed by it. :'( Damn stupid man. >:(
Thinking about how my sis was there for me in some of my darkest hours, now realizing how she's no longer here for me.. :( (I'd best get my mind off of this..)
Quote from: Megan Joanne on June 04, 2014, 05:12:08 PM
At work, I'm down the isle working out hair accessories and pull out these really cute headbands so figured, let me see how this fits me, so I use a nearby mirror and try it on, a moment passes and my boss is standing at the end of the isle watching me, he remarks, "Its not you." I reply back, "It could be if I fix myself up pretty." He says back with a slight chuckle, "I'd love to see that." Why'd he have to say such a thing? I'm pretty sure he didn't mean any harm, probably just trying to embarrass me (letting me know he was watching me) with what he thought was light-hearted humor. But I was crushed by it. :'( Damn stupid man. >:(
Hey! Don't worry what your boss or someone says to you regarding what looks good on you or not. My dad had the nerve to make a rude and uncalled for comment about how my hair clips looked HORRENDOUS on me (This was before I came out to him btw) which literally made me burst into tears and have dark thoughts and so on. (Thankfully, my sis was there for me... ...) however, I now realize his opinion on what does look good on me doesn't matter. If YOU think it'll will look good on you then GO FOR IT! Even try and show your boss up (that he was wrong) but even if he still says it doesn't fit you, don't let it get to you! He's not you after all and as they say, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
Quote from: Lauren5 on June 04, 2014, 05:01:42 PM
My mom makes some pretty good chilli (2 types, her normal southwest style, with chunky meat, vegitables, and beans, and the one I've come to like more, the smoother, spicier (not hot spicy, just has a good blend of spices :P ) Cincinatti-style, which is really good for chilli dogs) I'd ask her to make some and can it up for you, but it doesn't have preservatives or anything, making canning and shipping kinda pointless.
Darn it, you've made me want Skyline Chilli right now. Too bad I'm a few hours from Ohio :(
And now you've made me want chili dogs all the more tonight, so guess we're even now. lol xD
Quote from: Megan Joanne on June 04, 2014, 05:12:08 PM
At work, I'm down the isle working out hair accessories and pull out these really cute headbands so figured, let me see how this fits me, so I use a nearby mirror and try it on, a moment passes and my boss is standing at the end of the isle watching me, he remarks, "Its not you." I reply back, "It could be if I fix myself up pretty." He says back with a slight chuckle, "I'd love to see that." Why'd he have to say such a thing? I'm pretty sure he didn't mean any harm, probably just trying to embarrass me (letting me know he was watching me) with what he thought was light-hearted humor. But I was crushed by it. :'( Damn stupid man. >:(
Could it have been a flirtatious comment?
No, I'm pretty sure not. Just a stupid remark. One day though I'm going to have to go into my store while he's there during a time when my mom and I are out shopping and make sure I dress up really nice, just to see show him up, that I can be pretty, when I'm not working.
Quote from: Megan Joanne on June 04, 2014, 06:54:51 PM
No, I'm pretty sure not. Just a stupid remark. One day though I'm going to have to go into my store while he's there during a time when my mom and I are out shopping and make sure I dress up really nice, just to see show him up, that I can be pretty, when I'm not working.
Megan,
My bet is that he likes you and is pretty fond of you as a female employee given all that you have previously mentioned about him. So give him the benefit of the doubt because I think he was attempting to be sweet to you saying that he'd love to see you all girly-girled up because he probably thinks you are a lot prettier than how you probably have to dress for work each day. Not all men are dorks even if they don't know how to talk to a woman.
Yeah, it did cross my mind, I just tend to focus on the worst (everyone's always out to get me, so I think, even though not true), but only because it upset me a little.
So I have to travel to Manila economy for work for a month. Too stingy to pay for business class.
Train up people so they can take my job all to save a few dollars.
This world is so crappy for so many reasons. >:(
That sucks, Jen. :(
Quote from: Jenny07 on June 05, 2014, 07:26:52 AM
So I have to travel to Manila economy for work for a month. Too stingy to pay for business class.
Train up people so they can take my job all to save a few dollars.
This world is so crappy for so many reasons. >:(
True, this world is crap in many ways... But look on the bright side, you have a job that allows you to travel 8)
Quote from: Jenny07 on June 05, 2014, 07:26:52 AMSo I have to travel to Manila economy for work for a month. Too stingy to pay for business class.
Train up people so they can take my job all to save a few dollars.
This world is so crappy for so many reasons. >:(
Perhaps premium economy? Often times it's become the new business class, in terms of business travellers. Not too much more expensive than economy, far better service and seats.
I try to take it, or an extra legroom sea, whenever I can.
OK, boring stuff for most people. I was on this model of aircraft (http://www.seatguru.com/airlines/Delta_Airlines/Delta_Airlines_Boeing_757-200_75X.php), assigned to seat 24E, not happy about that (dad was on the same flight, but because of his medallion status with Delta, was upgraded to 6C >.< ) but noticed that 20 A, B, D, E, and F were free. I quickly sat down in 20F (someone was later assigned to 20D) and this is what resulted (http://i.imgur.com/5YDwPFk.jpg) (travelling in comfort, comfy, crappy sweats)
Assuming they send you on QANTAS (the only other oprions would be Jetstar and PAL,) that seems an A330 will be your ride.
Well crud, QANTAS only puts premium economy in its A380s, and 747s. That's quite unfortunate.
Sorry if that seems stalkerish, I just really like aircraft and their seating configurations. I'd die to sit in Cathay's business class (http://www.cathaypacific-campaign.com/businessclass/en.html).
I accidentally forgot my shot last night, realized today I need more needles and a refill, and the pharmacy won't have the same stuff in until July, so I need to to call my endo and ask them to fax a different prescription over.
Quote from: Edge on June 05, 2014, 09:59:20 AM
I accidentally forgot my shot last night, realized today I need more needles and a refill, and the pharmacy won't have the same stuff in until July, so I need to to call my endo and ask them to fax a different prescription over.
Is it due to the T shortage? I was affected, but my pharmacist switched me over from Delatestryl to depo-testosterone without a new prescription.
Quote from: birkin on June 05, 2014, 12:59:03 PM
Is it due to the T shortage? I was affected, but my pharmacist switched me over from Delatestryl to depo-testosterone without a new prescription.
Yeah. They need my endo to fax them before they switch it and he's not in until monday.
For some reason, some people I don't know put a deposit on my apartment. That I am living in and plan to remain living in. My landlady is confused about it too.
Reading the cause of death of Dave Brockie/Oderus Urungus from GWAR. It also made me very angry on top of being sad. I didn't know him personally, but many of my friends did. One of them is no longer here for the same reason.
I feel I've earned a treat, with all the stress I'm under. It just happens to be Thursday night, meaning $6.30 after tax for a burrito and drink at Moe's.
It's $1.20 for a round trip bus ride, leaving me with $4.85 :(
I know I need to call dad and ask for money, as I have enough food to last me tomorrow and that's about it besides scraps here and there. And I've nearly $500 in bills to pay.
I'm going to try selling things that I don't use anymore or don't use enough, like my mini fridge (was good for the dorm but now just sits in a spare bedroom) and TV, respectively. Think I can reap 50-60% of what I paid for them (should total $250-300,) meaning asking dad for less. But I'm still afraid. Partially because I should have a job by now but don't, and that means he's going to want me to go up to the UP and live with my grandparents and work up there, which is far, far less than idea, even if I don't have to pay rent or (much) food. Doctor and therapist are here, nearest place for laser (or, hopefully not electroligy, but if it comes to that) is probably 2 hours away. Heck, the nearest WalMart is an hour away, there are two grocery stores in that town and both are overpriced to hell, and that's about it for shopping in town. Not to mention it burns red, meaning I'm likely to be discriminated against like crazy.
The amount of barker's eggs on my back street.
Quote from: big kim on June 05, 2014, 06:10:52 PM
The amount of barker's eggs on my back street.
Are you referring to dog bumbles?
Yes though I'm not usually so genteel!
Still upset about an argument I had with a friend last night. Stupid, lovely, annoying, beautiful hormones running through me. Anyone know where I can find that fabled big red button, I so want to push it right now >:-)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1240.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fgg499%2F8295%2FBRB.jpg&hash=4de30e84f6ed0f53b945dab7d3f97d2a8181cb80)
Quote from: Cindy on June 06, 2014, 04:01:03 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1240.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fgg499%2F8295%2FBRB.jpg&hash=4de30e84f6ed0f53b945dab7d3f97d2a8181cb80)
Thank you Cindy, your my favorite Global moderator.
Consider this button now pushed
It's the end of the world as we know it
It's the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine
I hate the sports bra straps! Augh. I can't get them to stay hidden. I'm trying to sew on some snaps to a piece of fabric, so it can be held in place...but it isn't working for some reason. Probably because I can't actually sew, this was supposed to be a learning experience. -_-
Part of me wants to sew the damn bra right on my t shirt and have that be that. lol. God I can't wait for these things to be cut off, what a pain in my ass.
Finding out, My sexual intrest is more into my toy then me :/
I learned that the oldest person in Sweden had died.
wasted juice on my laptop. have to use my entire pay to get another one. im typing on my ps3. also got juice on my laptop speakers.
Sending that email to my sister 4 days ago did nothing. She never bothered to call/email/etc. me before I had that Surgery to remove my molars which while highly unlikely, there was still a slim Chance I could die. (Ironically, at one point I thought my body was going into cardiac arrest, I cried thinking I was going to die and how am I going to get through this if this continues, luckily they changed their tactics some so it didn't happen again & they said my readings were fine throughout it all but still..)
The lack of her "care/concern/love" for me is very upsetting to say the least. :( I mean, we haven't even spoken to each other but once in 3 whole months & that 1 time a month ago ended in a fight, which a week later as always "I" had to apologize first & I hardly ever get an apology from her, including for last time and this time. At this point, I just need to vent so, I might make a thread on it.. :(
First Facebook ->-bleeped-<- that tries to add me as a contact ???
Bad back ache from constipation, its making me wait.
Oh wait that's ketchup.
I found out that my brother and his wife are trying to force their five-year-old daughter to write with her right hand, because she's left handed, like me.
I don't know that it makes me unhappy as much as it does very annoyed. Poor kid. She doesn't deserve an ignorant, bigoted, hate-filled pustule on the hairy butt-cheek of the universe as a dad. She deserves better.
The irony of it is that they named her the same as a shortened version of the name I had when I first joined here.
I started out writing left handed but was forced to learn to write right handed, but that was in the 1960's, sad to learn/know such things still go on
Hugs
Quote from: Sephirah on June 07, 2014, 08:35:50 PM
I found out that my brother and his wife are trying to force their five-year-old daughter to write with her right hand, because she's left handed, like me.
I don't know that it makes me unhappy as much as it does very annoyed. Poor kid. She doesn't deserve an ignorant, bigoted, hate-filled pustule on the hairy butt-cheek of the universe as a dad. She deserves better.
The irony of it is that they named her the same as a shortened version of the name I had when I first joined here.
Quote from: V M on June 07, 2014, 08:50:00 PM
I started out writing left handed but was forced to learn to write right handed, but that was in the 1960's, sad to learn/know such things still go on
Hugs
It's sad that anyone is forced to go through that. I should know as I had to go through it and have a difficult time writing with my left hand now and my neat hand writing has been sloppy ever since then. (No matter which hand) Every where I go, I see someone telling me they too were forced to write with their right hand. I feel for that poor child.
EDIT: Btw, you really hould speak up on behalf of the child. I know you aren't the child's parent but, you went through what that child is going through so you can point out why that's wrong and how it will effect their writing/skills and such in life. lol
EDIT: Whoops, guess that didn't happen to you but someone else, still I'd speak up for the child. lol
Sounds like child abuse to me.
She will probably have many issues because of it.
My aunt is left handed and tells me the horrors of it from the 60's. Lucky he parents understood but the system didn't.
Always hate the day after an electro session.
Still had a good time with her yesterday.
They tried with my sister in the 60's and they tried with my ambidextrous son in the 90's. Why not let them learn with what they feel right using?
Quote from: LordKAT on June 07, 2014, 11:05:23 PM
They tried with my sister in the 60's and they tried with my ambidextrous son in the 90's. Why not let them learn with what they feel right using?
Is this a "im take the pen out of your left hand and put it in you right hand thing"
Because that annoys me too. Why cant I be allowed to be a some what recognisable writer with my left hand, instead of a incomprehensible writer with my right?
It always annoyed me did that one.
Quote from: Shana-chan on June 07, 2014, 10:05:42 PM
It's sad that anyone is forced to go through that. I should know as I had to go through it and have a difficult time writing with my left hand now and my neat hand writing has been sloppy ever since then. (No matter which hand) Every where I go, I see someone telling me they too were forced to write with their right hand. I feel for that poor child.
EDIT: Btw, you really hould speak up on behalf of the child. I know you aren't the child's parent but, you went through what that child is going through so you can point out why that's wrong and how it will effect their writing/skills and such in life. lol
EDIT: Whoops, guess that didn't happen to you but someone else, still I'd speak up for the child. lol
Just exactly who are you replying to? I don't find child abuse to be anything to lol about
Quote from: V M on June 07, 2014, 11:11:40 PM
Just exactly who are you replying to? I don't find child abuse to be anything to lol about
Pretty sure she just mistook you and Sephirah as the same poster. And I really doubt she's laughing about child abuse. Most likely laughing about confusing the posts she was responding to.
Quote from: ButterflyVickster on June 07, 2014, 11:10:24 PM
Is this a "im take the pen out of your left hand and put it in you right hand thing"
Because that annoys me too. Why cant I be allowed to be a some what recognisable writer with my left hand, instead of a incomprehensible writer with my right?
It always annoyed me did that one.
In my case it was smash the left hand flat with either the pointer or the yard/meter stick then put the pencil in my right hand and squeeze it very tightly while yelling "You write with your right hand!!!"
Quote from: LordKAT on June 07, 2014, 11:05:23 PM
They tried with my sister in the 60's and they tried with my ambidextrous son in the 90's. Why not let them learn with what they feel right using?
Well, in my niece's case, it's because I'm left handed. And her parents both hate me with extreme prejudice. They don't want anything that reminds them of me. Especially in their own kids.
I don't think it goes as far as tying hands behind backs or physical coercion or anything. More just constantly telling her to use her right hand, asking the school if there's anything they can do, and rewarding her when she does.
Also, I really feel for people who were made to do this. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Quote from: V M on June 07, 2014, 11:20:39 PM
In my case it was smash the left hand flat with either the pointer or the yard/meter stick then put the pencil in my right hand and squeeze it very tightly while yelling "You write with your right hand!!!"
God, that must have been horrid. I'm really sorry you had to go through that. When ultimately it is such a pointless thing to do to someone.
Quote from: EmoAlice on June 07, 2014, 11:16:12 PM
Pretty sure she just mistook you and Sephirah as the same poster. And I really doubt she's laughing about child abuse. Most likely laughing about confusing the posts she was responding to.
Sorry, but it hit a nerve and brought to mind several childhood things I've been trying to forget about and put behind me
Quote from: V M on June 07, 2014, 11:20:39 PM
In my case it was smash the left hand flat with either the pointer or the yard/meter stick then put the pencil in my right hand and squeeze it very tightly while yelling "You write with your right hand!!!"
Yeah I used to anger my teachers and my dad into perplexes, Id hold up my left hand and say this IS my write hand.
Of course they couldn't hear the spelling :P. Oh how they would point to my right hand scream that's you right hand, and id say I know, but that doesn't mean its my write hand, Because this is my write, once again holding up my left.
So obviously this lead them to scream in my face, how can they both be right hands, so id say this is my right hand, and this is the one I write with. "But you write with your right hand" , So id look confused then say no I don't, to which id get YES YOU DO, so id look at my left hand holding my pencil hold it up and say. So you mean to tell me, my left hand is my right one? NO they would say.
So I then say, make up your mind.
You say I write with my right hand, when I right with my left?
But when I call my left hand my right hand because it the one I write with, and you just said I write with my right hand, you tell me Im wrong.
Seriously I don't think you even know the difference, Between your left, right and write?
Always loved words, I really was one of those smarty-pants Nobody liked :(
Quote from: Sephirah on June 07, 2014, 08:35:50 PM
I found out that my brother and his wife are trying to force their five-year-old daughter to write with her right hand, because she's left handed, like me.
I don't know that it makes me unhappy as much as it does very annoyed. Poor kid. She doesn't deserve an ignorant, bigoted, hate-filled pustule on the hairy butt-cheek of the universe as a dad. She deserves better.
The irony of it is that they named her the same as a shortened version of the name I had when I first joined here.
My mom had told me when I was very little, my dad had tried to make me right-handed...I'm still a lefty.
My (soon to be ex-)wife sent me a text message that said "I'm sorry the whole cross dressing thing is weird for me and you continue to flaunt it in my face"
* the "flaunting it" thing really upset me because I never have been in feminine form around her and only do it when she is out of town visiting family that SHE TOLD ME SHE IS TOO EMBARRASSED TO BRING ME AROUND ANYMORE - I wear panties instead of boxers and have a few duffel bags full of feminine clothes, accessories, and make-up out of respect for not wearing/using her stuff... there is no damn flaunting going on here
Also, I'm not cross-dressing, dammit. I am just trying to be comfortable in my own skin and I am so sick and tired of other people giving my brain excuses to feel shameful about it. I love who I am and that is never going to change, so in the words of Daenerys Targaryen, "They can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one!"
It actually made me unhappy and glad at the same time. It gave me justification to finally just leave her. I'm getting my own place and moving out within the fortnight :D (love that word and always wanted to use it)
Cleaned up all the rubbish from the car park.
Cleaners are hopeless as I always find myself sweeping it out.
Can't believe how lazy people are dumping rubbish when they don't even live here.
Also found trash from drug dealers all over the place >:(
Scum.
Reading the past few posts about elders forcing children to write right handed. Can not believe such people still exist in today's world. Glad my teachers where not one of them.(Catholic school and all), and my parents let me use the hand I was comfortable with. Sorry Sephirah
(one day southpaws are going to rise up and take over the world)
I always wanted to be a leftie!
Ok but my sad thing today is divorce talk.
Quote from: V M on June 07, 2014, 11:11:40 PM
Just exactly who are you replying to? I don't find child abuse to be anything to lol about
I was mainly not talking to you, however, in regards to the lol that WASN'T a Laugh Out Load lol. I was told a year or more ago that lol can be used as a means to say, I'm saying this nicely so what I write doesn't come off as a jerk. Now as to whether that really is the case or not with what I was told, I am still skeptical, but after seeing many people lol at the end of their posts in many different forums, well, either people are hyena's or it means, they were saying it nicely. lol <-- (Case in point, me calling people Hyena's could be considered rude so I put a lol at the end to show I didn't mean it/say it in a mean/rude way)
NOW! If I was lied too be so called friends then, PLEASE! You people here re-correct me and I'll further look into it. Also, I would NEVER laugh let alone out loud at a situation where a child is being forced to write with the opposite hand they write with, why would I? I had to go through the same damn thing you know! And by a teacher no less! By the time my Mom found out, it was too late! >:(
i woke up depressed again. very typical -.-
Quote from: FilaFord on June 08, 2014, 12:47:02 AM
My (soon to be ex-)wife sent me a text message that said "I'm sorry the whole cross dressing thing is weird for me and you continue to flaunt it in my face"
* the "flaunting it" thing really upset me because I never have been in feminine form around her and only do it when she is out of town visiting family that SHE TOLD ME SHE IS TOO EMBARRASSED TO BRING ME AROUND ANYMORE - I wear panties instead of boxers and have a few duffel bags full of feminine clothes, accessories, and make-up out of respect for not wearing/using her stuff... there is no damn flaunting going on here
Also, I'm not cross-dressing, dammit. I am just trying to be comfortable in my own skin and I am so sick and tired of other people giving my brain excuses to feel shameful about it. I love who I am and that is never going to change, so in the words of Daenerys Targaryen, "They can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one!"
It actually made me unhappy and glad at the same time. It gave me justification to finally just leave her. I'm getting my own place and moving out within the fortnight :D (love that word and always wanted to use it)
Hugs to you Fila, my sister-in-law visited for the first time in over two years and told me I look like a girl. It was intended to be an insult and a slap down. My wife said she likes my looks and who asked her opinion anyway? After she had left we concluded that some cis women feel threatened when a genetic male appears to exhibit some cross gender attributes and they lash out like that because of their own insecurities.
Quote from: immortal gypsy on June 08, 2014, 01:27:58 AMReading the past few posts about elders forcing children to write right handed. Can not believe such people still exist in today's world. Glad my teachers where not one of them.(Catholic school and all), and my parents let me use the hand I was comfortable with. Sorry Sephirah
(one day southpaws are going to rise up and take over the world)
Heh, if I were allowed to write with the hand that I felt comfortable with, I would't be able to write...
I'm only considered right handed because that's what feels comfortable nowadays due to training when young. Honestly I can't write legibly with either hand.
Finger injury from defending free kicks as goalkeeper for a bit yesterday afternoon and evening still hurting today. More range of motion that yesterday, still about the same amount of pain, still slow typing since my right index finger is out of commission. Also trouble gripping anything unless it's about the diameter of a beer bottle, that works just fine.
I doubt it's broken or anything, probably not even dislocated since I've more motion in it now. Probably something minor like tendonosis.
Feelings. They're not gone. I had hoped they were.
QuoteNOW! If I was lied too be so called friends then, PLEASE! You people here re-correct me and I'll further look into it.
I have never heard it as you did, LOL has always been laughing although sprinkled around too often in most places.
Quote from: Edge on June 08, 2014, 12:19:47 PM
Feelings. They're not gone. I had hoped they were.
I've felt that way many times. Most times my feelings are dumbed down, except when it comes to my kids. They may not like it, but I'll love them forever and I hurt when they do.
now i feel like crying. how i hate the weekeneds. plus is so freaking hot -.-
Too many things.
Found out one of our 'house' cats at the vet clinic I work at died today :( boss says she thinks he had a stroke :( Poor Big Boy!! I loved how he would follow me around until I fed him his canned food. And even then, if I was sweeping, he knew he had to get in my way. He was like a big grey dust bunny, I'll miss his silly antics. I knew it was coming, but I didn't think he'd die in his cage alone while the clinic is empty :/ so sad :(
Quote from: Shana-chan on June 08, 2014, 10:20:00 AM
I was mainly not talking to you, however...
Very well, no hard feelings, it's just a rather sensitive and triggering topic for me, my main abuser at the time was my 1st grade teacher
It seemed no-one would do anything about it until some random lady (someone else's mom who was there for some reason) asked me what I was crying about and I showed her my hand
She took me to the nurses office and then I could hear her raising hell with the office staff - In the end I was transferred to another classroom and the teacher received some kind of reprimand
I want a cruddy cheeseburger, but can't even afford that.
3 things today have me unhappy and depressed :(
1. Father's day is next sunday..
2. Summer is the next Saturday after this coming Saturday (21st) and while I should be happy about that (Because swimming and stuff), because I can't go out in a bikini, well, you can see why :(
3. My "sister" ... I've probably lost her as a supporter of me being trans (The only one I had in my life..) as well as a sister/sibling..
All this and I just woke up. :( (Earlier than I should have actually but, oh well)
Quote from: V M on June 08, 2014, 04:02:33 PM
Very well, no hard feelings, it's just a rather sensitive and triggering topic for me, my main abuser at the time was my 1st grade teacher
It seemed no-one would do anything about it until some random lady (someone else's mom who was there for some reason) asked me what I was crying about and I showed her my hand
She took me to the nurses office and then I could hear her raising hell with the office staff - In the end I was transferred to another classroom and the teacher received some kind of reprimand
I am sorry you went through that. While I can't say if I had to go through the abuse like that, what I do recall is my teacher (Somewhere around 1st grade like you I think) just forced me too. She was mean, strict and scary and would stand there, force me to write with my right hand. If I didn't, I think she would re-correct me by making me write with the right hand. I don't think there was physical abuse though and when my mom found out, she was upset and mad and I know she said something but, that's all that she told me that I remember. I don't know what happened after she went to the teacher/principal.
I'm glad that lady was there and helped you, as I know you are glad too. :)
Quote from: LordKAT on June 08, 2014, 01:11:42 PM
I have never heard it as you did, LOL has always been laughing although sprinkled around too often in most places.
Yeah, I did a search because I found it hard to believe, nothing turned up except, lol=laugh out loud, so I decided to wait and see how others were posting and as you said, lol is sprinkled around too often in most places. After I saw that, I figured, perhaps they were telling me the truth. (As it was a group of friends who told me that) So I then started using it and other than today, no one has said a word to me about it. Still this is troubling, what if I/they are wrong? I don't want people thinking I'm "laughing" especially out load to something like what happened here.
Apparently there is nation-wide oral estradiol shortage. I could only get half of my monthly dosage, and if thing's are not back to normal by the 26th... Hot flashes incoming.
You know, people will say that DIY is bad and everything, but having a stash of pills that could last for six months without refill actually was better than living on the edge with pharmacies that never have stock by the time your new prescription comes out. In fact, I think I should get in touch with my old provider and order some boxes for these kind of emergencie.
People bragging about jobs.
Someone I know who was injured in basic (he never had the right stuff to be a soldier anways) was discharged, and less than a week later he was hired. His interview, he arrived to 10 minutes late in jeans, flip-flops, and a cruddy T shirt, but just mentions he was in the army and got a job with Verizon's customer support in the business division, no calls from cranky customers. Worse, he brags about it.
Someone else I know who quit her job fed up with her boss just yesterday has an interview for today.
It's really not fair at all that I've had one interview in over a month of applying (and didn't get it) to at least 20 positions, same responses every time, while others are getting hired right away. I just want good honest work to pay the bills and eat. My rent is late and stacking up and extra $5 every day I can't pay it. I'm pretty much out of food. I just want to work.
I always wonder if it's because I'm trans, since there's no law protecting my employment in Michigan, and I don't have the resources to move elsewhere. I've tried to keep it to national and international companies to avoid potential prejudice , but will big companies not hire me too because of it? Are they trying to avoid a lawsuit because some moron customer is going to be upset I work there? Even target, which has a non-discriminatory clause for gender identity and expression didn't even invite me for an interview, just told me that the position was filled. It's not like I'm inferior at jobs, I do them as well as anyone else. I just don't have any special talents I can use at such basic levels of work.
I really don't want to have to go to the UP, and that's only seasonal work too, I'd have to find something for the rest of the year, not to mention a second job in the first place to put aside for surgery. I have until Wednesday to find something down here. I've even applied places that are less than desirable, nothing yet.
Quote from: Julia (Apple-Whatever) on June 09, 2014, 11:15:42 AM
You know, people will say that DIY is bad and everything, but having a stash of pills that could last for six months without refill actually was better than living on the edge with pharmacies that never have stock by the time your new prescription comes out.
Once you have a script you're not DIY. Where you fill that script is YOUR business.
Quote from: Dee Walker on June 09, 2014, 11:24:09 AMOnce you have a script you're not DIY. Where you fill that script is YOUR business.
Indeed.
Having a month's backup would be nice though, had to go the better part of a week (therapist said I was acting like I had PMS, now I know what it feels like :P ) because of a mix-up between my doctor's office and the pharmacy.
A bunch of water just fell through my ceiling.
Quote from: Edge on June 09, 2014, 01:20:49 PM
A bunch of water just fell through my ceiling.
That is bad news. Your parents place?
Quote from: LordKAT on June 09, 2014, 01:23:18 PM
That is bad news. Your parents place?
Heck no. I have my own apartment. I'm never going back there ever again.
Just found out an old co-worker died. Not only did he make working in the kitchens fun, but he would pull you aside when you did something wrong and speak to you quietly not blast you out in the open. Something I have taken with me now I have people under me. A head chef is not the most easiest job in the world but he was always good for a laugh a joke and a smile on the job and off
Quote from: Dee Walker on June 09, 2014, 11:24:09 AM
Once you have a script you're not DIY. Where you fill that script is YOUR business.
The fact is that I am also considering DIY again despite having a full combined package of therapy, endo and surgery. I am not very satisfied with the current endo and going private is going to be unaffordable.
So had fights confirmed to Manila for work in 2 weeks.
Too tight and only paying economy for work.... Can't sit in the seat. Stood all the way home once from NZ.
Going to live in a serviced apartment. Yuck.... Not my place.
Saw my doctor and have a long list of shots to get, another reason not to travel.
Not a happy camper... :(
My idea of a holiday is staying at home.
Is it difficult to sit in the seat due to lack of leg room? And/or being squeezed next to others?
I had to ship something at the UPS store today, and my dad went in with me, but came in a lil after me. The employees thought he was another customer so they asked what he needed. He just points to me and says to them 'Oh I'm with him.'
I do all this stuff to transition, and then I take the time to look especially presentable before going out, and one little comment undermines all of that. :( I know my dad is old and it's hard for him to adapt to something like this, and I know he at least sometimes makes an effort, but I've been consistently passable to everyone else for months now. I just don't think it's ever going to stick with him. :/
Quote from: Ashey on June 10, 2014, 04:54:48 PM
I had to ship something at the UPS store today, and my dad went in with me, but came in a lil after me. The employees thought he was another customer so they asked what he needed. He just points to me and says to them 'Oh I'm with him.'
I do all this stuff to transition, and then I take the time to look especially presentable before going out, and one little comment undermines all of that. :( I know my dad is old and it's hard for him to adapt to something like this, and I know he at least sometimes makes an effort, but I've been consistently passable to everyone else for months now. I just don't think it's ever going to stick with him. :/
Hugs Ashey, some of the old folks just don't get it because it's information overload and their mental processor isn't equipped for all this seemingly new stuff. I can speak authoritatively on this, as people age they become more resistant to change. Hang in there hon and remember anger won't resolve your dad's problem about using the right pronouns.
so many things made me extremely unhappy to the point i cant even cry when i want to
coworker bragging about her long hours at work
Quote from: Ashey on June 10, 2014, 04:54:48 PM
I had to ship something at the UPS store today, and my dad went in with me, but came in a lil after me. The employees thought he was another customer so they asked what he needed. He just points to me and says to them 'Oh I'm with him.'
I do all this stuff to transition, and then I take the time to look especially presentable before going out, and one little comment undermines all of that. :( I know my dad is old and it's hard for him to adapt to something like this, and I know he at least sometimes makes an effort, but I've been consistently passable to everyone else for months now. I just don't think it's ever going to stick with him. :/
I go through the exact same thing with my brother and my father, so I know what you are talking about. The only thing that helps is minimizing the amount of time that I am around them. It's just the way it has to be.
I had a bad day.
I was already feeling down about my chest and really self aware. Then, when I was at the nurse, I mentioned money and the cost of surgery, which then led her to ask the "which surgeries have you had" question, and what they involve. I made a point of telling her that I generally don't discuss that stuff, but gave her a general idea. I guess mentioning the cost of surgery was my fault, since the topic may not have come up otherwise.
Then when I went out, there was (I presume) a trans man out there and he goes "hey brother your transition looks like it's going great!" (probably because the nurse I saw mostly gives injections to trans people all day lol). But I didn't even know him! And he said it in front of the staff in the room and all the people in the waiting room. Thanks a lot, jerkoff. Btw I already have two brothers, thanks, I don't need another, and certainly on the basis of a shared medical condition.
Forgot to add the date of my doctor's appointment that is supposed to be sometime this month to my calendar on my phone three months ago at my last one. I called today to find out.
It's Friday. I have two days to get the blood test done.
Woke up with a flag pole between my legs. I only tolerate this because I need to keep the material in shape for SRS.
Speaking of which, this Friday I have my first SRS consultation. Which feels kinda sad and stupid since I don't have the money to pay for it on my own and social security takes 3-4 years until it's finally your turn.
Arm is dead after shots today....
Flying the long way around as well not direct.
>:(
Stupid depression stuff and dark thoughts :P Should have killed myself and got it over with years ago
Quote from: V M on June 11, 2014, 07:14:01 AM
Stupid depression stuff and dark thoughts :P Should have killed myself and got it over with years ago
NOOOO! I would have never met you and that would be a very bad thing. My life is better for having known you.
I will Growl and chase off that big black dog if it is the last thing I do!
Quote from: V M on June 11, 2014, 07:14:01 AM
Stupid depression stuff and dark thoughts :P Should have killed myself and got it over with years ago
Gee Virginia you have to change the tape that's running in your brain sweetie, we all care a lot for you so just stop thinking like that!
Bug bites everywhere from yesterday, still in full force.
My arms look like they've been broken, the bumps are so big.
One on the side of my knee looks almost big enough to be an extra kneecap.
I even have some on my face. Ugh
Quote from: V M on June 11, 2014, 07:14:01 AM
Stupid depression stuff and dark thoughts :P Should have killed myself and got it over with years ago
NOOO! DON'T! STOP! V M, I don't know you that well but I have seen you around and every time I do, it always makes me happy. Don't listen to those dark thoughts, we've ALL had them, many a time, it will go away given time and you'll feel better. Hang in there PLEASE DON'T KILL YOURSELF!!! If you did, a lot of people would be sad and heart broken.. I don't even want to think about that. :( So hang in there!
Waking up.
For some reason, I feel really agitated in an angry, frustrated way. I think it's about hair.
I kind of want to cry. My background check certificate came in. And as I expected, in big, fat letters, there's my previous name.
Hi employer. You hardly know me. Here's my background check. With a name that tells you something extremely personal about me. I know right, nice first impression. I don't get a fresh slate like other employees, because I have this unfortunate medical condition which you now know about - and likely, that's the first thing you know about me as a person. That I am "the trans one." I don't get to start my job as any other human being would, I get to be the company freak.
I should have taken the chance and simply lied, saying I have no previous names. But I chose to be honest and upfront and that's my reward: humiliation.
Oh god, that's awful. Haven't had that happen, but I was always afraid of it. It is so unfair. Like employers aren't allowed to know a candidate has AIDS or any other medical condition. But they can know this.
I get that in most cases, name changes are benign - like getting married, etc. I get why they want the previous name. But once they've verified the criminal record, why do they need to share that with the employer? My previous name, or gender for that matter, are none of an employer's business.
I'm going to take another approach to this. Apparently I have 3 months from the start of employment to present the criminal record check. I'll use that time to go to the police station and talk to them about this issue.
Quote from: birkin on June 11, 2014, 07:25:05 PM
I get that in most cases, name changes are benign - like getting married, etc. I get why they want the previous name. But once they've verified the criminal record, why do they need to share that with the employer? My previous name, or gender for that matter, are none of an employer's business.
I'm going to take another approach to this. Apparently I have 3 months from the start of employment to present the criminal record check. I'll use that time to go to the police station and talk to them about this issue.
Good luck hon, that sucks but if you have a clean record the trans thing shouldn't matter and if it did then you want to document everything and hire a barracuda gender defender on a contingency, they usually clean their coffers and take 30% for themselves.
My friend, I pretty much consider her my best friend, as I've never felt so close to another person, especially not another female, is a year from graduation in marketing and IT, and is getting job offers left and right, just announced she got one from Delta. How I would have loved a job with them, even though they're not even only top 10 airlines list, but I'd still love a job in the industry, anywhere they could put me. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for her, just extremely jealous. As a college expultee, when it comes to jobs, I'm in dire trouble to find anything not part time and minimum wage.
I probably shouldn't get into the fine details here, but suffice to say I can't stop crying right now.
The upshot is that a woman with whom I have become good friends over the last six years is having serious problems with her teenage daughter and the chances of me ever seeing her again have become slim. I am going to miss her so much. I could tell her ANYTHING and it was OK. She went out of her way to help when I was sick, sicker and sickest and was one of the first to know that I was transgender. I wish I could do something to help, but I know I am completely powerless and that she is doing the right thing by putting her family's needs before her own.
Thinking about transitioning makes me feel uneasy about the future, which looks bleak at the moment.
Everything toppling down on me like trillions of tons of bricks.
Inadvertently having a conversation with my idiot of a father via text. Don't want to store his number so I must now force myself to remember it grr.
my stomach is feeling hollow again, plus i cant sleep right now and my head is hurting -.-
I'm feeling awful in every possible aspect. Going late to bed and having a sleepless night was only the beggining. Due to appointments yesterday I could not wash my hair in the evening as usual, so I had to do it fast this morning (the whole process of applying products, waiting to dry, straightening it... Add to that a bad shampoo choice and you have worst hair ever. Also, it took me so long that I haven't been able to dress decently, put makeup ands I had to run to arrive, so I am all sweaty in a 30° morning.
So I am not very happy about the fact that I look like a dude that needs a haircut the day of my SRS consultation. I should be on a freaking dress...
:icon_hug:
Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 13, 2014, 02:17:57 AM
my stomach is feeling hollow again, plus i cant sleep right now and my head is hurting -.-
I understand where you are coming from, more than I care to share.
I'm still really agitated and angry and no one understands or cares. They're probably just going to use it against me to try to hurt me and then people will still try to convince me that other people are worth anything.
I had a missed call from my kids' school. Now, my kids didn't want me to come out to their school so I can't exactly ring them back (especially with my obviously male voice) so I texted their dad to ask him to ring the school & find out what's up.
He texted me back a couple of minutes later to say he'd already spoken to them earlier: my youngest is unwell and he's asked his parents to pick her up.
So he heard that our daughter is unwell and jumped on the phone to his parents about it, but he didn't see fit to tell me that my child is unwell.
I texted him back to ask what's wrong with her & why he didn't let me know she was unwell, and the [illegitimate child] hasn't come back to me yet.
That bloody [masturbator] is pushing his luck... >:(
my stomach is gnawing at itself so if i try to eat something, its bound to come back up, my head is killing me from restless sleep, and i'm just in a way did i even wake up mood again. 7 hours to go until my therapy appointment
The flu I thought I had turns out to be bronchitis and the antibotics I'm on might counteract the BC I'm on. I can already feel the sharp stabbing aches again...
For the first time in a while, I saw nothing but a hollow shell and a lie looking at me in the mirror. I hate what I see and I want to destroy everything around me. It just tears me apart knowing I might not be able to get anywhere and a bus ticket out of here might be my only solution. I need to get somewhere before I get really bad again.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 13, 2014, 09:51:46 AM
I had a missed call from my kids' school. Now, my kids didn't want me to come out to their school so I can't exactly ring them back (especially with my obviously male voice) so I texted their dad to ask him to ring the school & find out what's up.
He texted me back a couple of minutes later to say he'd already spoken to them earlier: my youngest is unwell and he's asked his parents to pick her up.
So he heard that our daughter is unwell and jumped on the phone to his parents about it, but he didn't see fit to tell me that my child is unwell.
I texted him back to ask what's wrong with her & why he didn't let me know she was unwell, and the [illegitimate child] hasn't come back to me yet.
That bloody [masturbator] is pushing his luck... >:(
Sounds like we're on the cusp of WWIII.
Quote from: Shantel on June 13, 2014, 10:27:52 AM
Sounds like we're on the cusp of WWIII.
You may well be correct there, Auntie Shan. I've already located a trans*-friendly solicitor in my local area. I don't want to involve her at the moment because of the upheaval it'll cause the kids, but I've got her ready to pounce whenever it becomes necessary. >:-)
Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 13, 2014, 10:40:22 AM
You may well be correct there, Auntie Shan. I've already located a trans*-friendly solicitor in my local area. I don't want to involve her at the moment because of the upheaval it'll cause the kids, but I've got her ready to pounce whenever it becomes necessary. >:-)
Always preferable to be proactive rather than reactive, good luck!
Quote from: Shantel on June 13, 2014, 11:19:28 AM
Always preferable to be proactive rather than reactive, good luck!
Actually,
he's the one who needs to be wished good luck! >:-)
[Walks away whistling the theme from
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly]
Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 13, 2014, 11:40:52 AM
Actually, he's the one who needs to be wished good luck! >:-)
[Walks away whistling the theme from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly]
Waaaa Hahaha such a bad ass dude! >:-)
My doctor is sending me to the hospital. I don't want to go, but she thinks it's best. I'm scared.
Food was way too salty. So salty I feel as if I can't eat anything else tonight to counter-act all of that salt. Yuck.
Annoying coworker....I love her, but there are times when she gets on my nerves. Shes too happy-go-lucky for me and a miss know-it-all.
First appt. with endo through the Veterans Administration system, for the beginning I should have sensed it was going nowhere. it was telehealth (video conferencing) and the VA person the other end seemed so negative about anything I said. BUT the worst part was when she said that the prescribing Dr. was " Very" conservative, and would not prescribe E for me, my day is ruined...8 months of mental evaluation in the VA system and wouldn't you know it, I get a frikkin conservative Dr.
on top of that my dear sweet neighbor decided that it was time to put her fufu dog down tonight, which upset me even more.
so its Friday the 13th, VA basically denied me HRT, and the neighbor lost her companion
F up Friday the 13th!
My mom agreed to pick me up and RIGHT when I was about to get in the car (and the first time I'm actually on time and not keeping her waiting), my boss man calls, tells me that he saw me leave and wants me to come back so he can give me something so I go back and I'm waiting at least 15 minutes before he actually shows up. Then he comes and says he has to give me something, and leaves again for like another 8 minutes, then comes back finally.
Thank GOD I called my mom to pick me up because she was going to take me to get my laptop out of the shop. My boss would have made me miss the last routine bus. I would have had to call my mom to pick me up anyways, but at least when she did, it was expected.
People are such a waste of time and are worthless.
Quote from: Edge on June 14, 2014, 08:27:50 AM
People are such a waste of time and are worthless.
That is rather a broad statement. What happened to liking yourself?
People on Facebook gave me Happy Birthday posts with my actual female name.
Quote from: LordKAT on June 14, 2014, 09:17:49 AM
That is rather a broad statement. What happened to liking yourself?
I love myself. What does that have to do with anything?
On second thought, don't answer. I've heard enough people tell me I need to base my opinion of myself on other people and I'm not in the mood to react calmly to that.
My point was, you are a people. Your original statement seemed to mean all people, including yourself. I was wondering how that opinion had changed. I'm glad to see it hasn't.
Other people don't include me as people, so I don't see why I should include me with them either.
Well, at least one other person sees you as a people, me. You have a point though.
Hey Edge, I know it's hard. But can I ask a question? Do you want other people to like you? To 'get' you? (I know sometimes these are different things). I mean, I was the lone wolf type for a long time and still am pretty much. But I'm starting to see people liking my unique brand of weirdness lol
I want to stop wanting other people to like or "get" me. It's not going to happen.
Quote from: Edge on June 14, 2014, 10:56:53 AM
I want to stop wanting other people to like or "get" me. It's not going to happen.
Well, there's a fine line between caring whether people like or understand us and caring too much. Caring about it some is normal. It's human. We're social creatures.
Caring at all is caring too much when it's not going to happen.
Quote from: Marcel on June 14, 2014, 09:23:22 AM
People on Facebook gave me Happy Birthday posts with my actual female name.
Ouch! Happy birthday Marcel
Co-worker got on my nerves today REALLY bad and I stubbed my toe.
A little boy I was strapping into the harness coughed in my face. I went to go wash my face when I could when my coworker yells at me to take my shoes off in the playhouse since the customers have to do it and then about. 2 minutes later, I stubbed my toe. Keep in mind I had to get back to my station ASAP.
It's colder than the ice plains of Hoth today in Sydney.
Freezing my butt off here.
So much for the warm weather from a few weeks ago.
Went to get a script filled and found it's been over twelve months. Will need a new one.
Birthday sucked so much. We're going out to eat where my dad wants for Father's Day yet we will be celebrating both my birthday and his special day. Apparently, I got my hopes up when they asked me where I wanted to go, which wasn't this Mexican restaurant we are going to. My uncle didn't remember to say Happy Birthday and my brother's plan in coming over last night fell through again. My mom just gave me the birthday card this morning yet she was able to give it to me last night when she got home from the airport.
I'm really not in the mood. .-.
Quote from: Marcel on June 15, 2014, 08:35:10 AM
Birthday sucked so much. We're going out to eat where my dad wants for Father's Day yet we will be celebrating both my birthday and his special day. Apparently, I got my hopes up when they asked me where I wanted to go, which wasn't this Mexican restaurant we are going to. My uncle didn't remember to say Happy Birthday and my brother's plan in coming over last night fell through again. My mom just gave me the birthday card this morning yet she was able to give it to me last night when she got home from the airport.
I'm really not in the mood. .-.
Too bad Marcel, gee it was your day really, Mother's and Father's days are just bogus Hallmark Holidays that adults shouldn't be celebrating over their own child's birthday. That really sucks!
Quote from: Shantel on June 15, 2014, 09:50:27 AM
Too bad Marcel, gee it was your day really, Mother's and Father's days are just bogus Hallmark Holidays that adults shouldn't be celebrating over their own child's birthday. That really sucks!
Not even a birthday cake or slice was seen. Sigh.
Quote from: Marcel on June 15, 2014, 10:16:00 AM
Not even a birthday cake or slice was seen. Sigh.
((Hugs))
Quote from: Marcel on June 15, 2014, 10:16:00 AM
Not even a birthday cake or slice was seen. Sigh.
It'll be ok Marcel. I too had a crappy b-day this year, and it was my 25th one too! That isn't your ordinary b-day you know. My sis didn't wish me a happy b-day till the following day which was via email I'll add and she made an excuse for not doing so on my b-day, my Dad & his wife didn't send me a card or wish me a happy b-day at all. (I'd told them if it misgendered me, or said anything that goes against who I am and such then to not give me one) The rest of what little family I have didn't call me, send me a card or email/etc. me at all. Not to mention, I didn't get a single b-day present from anyone. The only b-day wishes I got was from one online friend, and b-day wishes in a video game. As for cake and the like, I knew if I didn't bake myself one then it wasn't going to happen so I did just that. Heck, I even bought myself a present or two and wrapped them up, which I later on my b-day opened by myself, yup, spent the day by myself practically. So, I get how you feel, it sucks when this sort of stuff happens on your b-day but hey, there's always the next one! Oh and, though late, Happy birthday Marcel!
Quote from: paula lesley on June 15, 2014, 11:50:42 AM
It pains me to say; because I'm a happy person. I feel like SH*T I feel like death warmed up. I'm on week 10 of " T " blocker ( sub-derm implant 12 week term ) It does not last 12 f**king weeks >:( From week 9 my joy just slides away. I just feel terrible :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(... Ad infinitum... I don't like this I really don't. Sorry.
Poor Baby, perhaps it's time for a conversation with your hormone provider and try a different route!
The consultation for the BA just had the effect of increasing my dysphoria and worsening my body image.
Quote from: Shana-chan on June 15, 2014, 11:46:46 AM
It'll be ok Marcel. I too had a crappy b-day this year, and it was my 25th one too! That isn't your ordinary b-day you know. My sis didn't wish me a happy b-day till the following day which was via email I'll add and she made an excuse for not doing so on my b-day, my Dad & his wife didn't send me a card or wish me a happy b-day at all. (I'd told them if it misgendered me, or said anything that goes against who I am and such then to not give me one) The rest of what little family I have didn't call me, send me a card or email/etc. me at all. Not to mention, I didn't get a single b-day present from anyone. The only b-day wishes I got was from one online friend, and b-day wishes in a video game. As for cake and the like, I knew if I didn't bake myself one then it wasn't going to happen so I did just that. Heck, I even bought myself a present or two and wrapped them up, which I later on my b-day opened by myself, yup, spent the day by myself practically. So, I get how you feel, it sucks when this sort of stuff happens on your b-day but hey, there's always the next one! Oh and, though late, Happy birthday Marcel!
I'm sorry to hear that. Looks like I'll have to treat myself to Olive Garden and eat alone.
I woke up and was immediately hit with dysphoria. And it's the kind of dysphoria that surgery won't entirely fix.
pmsing
My girlfriend made me feel dysphoric in front of other people and seems like she can't understand how much she hurt me.
If talked to her, I'm really sad because I love her but I'm considering about breaking.
The fact that my posts rant worth commenting on I know that I am still pre everything and not as cute as most of the girls on here but I am doing what I can with what I have got sometimes I don't really know why I bother, apart from seeing the transformations on here that give me hope that one day I will be able to pass and be happy with myself I feel as though I am seen on here and that is all.
Sorry for the rant but I am really annoyed
Scrolling a seller's item's for sell on Ebay for games and the dude was also selling some saw a dvd an image of some demon I can't get out of my head. :/
Season 4 game of thrones is over :(
just not a good day.
My kids, and sister texted HFD to me, mom called, left voice msg on my phone, crying. Then the b1tch, texted to wife at me.. oh, I'm sorry, I meant... the wife, texted to b1tch at me, that the kids were upset about it being FD, and I'm 1) not home, and 2) not wanting to be a guy anymore. Yeah, welcome to the dark side of my moon.
Threw my back out earlier today :P It hurts to move, it hurts to breath, don't even bring up coughing, sneezing or itchy, watering eyes... Yes, it is also allergy season :P :P :P
Quote from: V M on June 16, 2014, 01:12:10 AM
Threw my back out earlier today :P It hurts to move, it hurts to breath, don't even bring up coughing, sneezing or itchy, watering eyes... Yes, it is also allergy season :P :P :P
Sounds like time for a warm bath and a 'clean' room, hepa filter style.
the thought when all is said and done, my possibilities of making my transition is virtually zero
Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on June 16, 2014, 02:49:10 AM
the thought when all is said and done, my possibilities of making my transition is virtually zero
I don't believe this. For one thing, you are young and have time to sort things out. Two, you have us to help.
Quote from: LordKAT on June 16, 2014, 02:54:37 AM
I don't believe this. For one thing, you are young and have time to sort things out. Two, you have us to help.
i just dont think i have the enough energy to do both. my emotional stability comes first over everything else so i have to do my treatment over the idea of transitioning. thats why i dont think its possible at this time. maybe in the next few years. yes, i said it, i'm putting my stability first though i may not like it, it has to be done
The fact that transition may be further away than I thought makes me unhappy.
The fact that I posted that I had finally managed to find an endo and had scheduled the appointment, made some lunch, sat down with it, only to get a call from the endo's office saying that the nurse had talked to the doctor and he does not, in fact, have any experience with transgendered people. He then referred me to a practice 70 miles away.
*Sigh* The endo in my primary's practice will see me, but I'm not convinced I trust them after the way he reacted when I told him I was trans on Friday. Too tired and let down to call them now. Maybe later.
*Sniff*
My job doesn't pay enough, add to that the strict restrictions with the Gov. assistance I get and NOW, to make matters worse for me, I find out my apartment is now going to charge me and all tenants a water fee that's based on per gallon usage. If it's anymore than $40, I won't be able to afford that. I am upset, nearly cried and now depressed. It's like, what's the damn point in going on! Before this, I figured I might can save up to $4000 in 5 years, no where NEAR enough for a damn surgery such as SRS and any of that savings would have to go to bus fair and hormones.. but now, I can't save up at all.. I'm going to be losing money. I just, I don't know why I was ever born, life is cruel.. T^T
EDIT: Feeling better after my Dad talked to me. Still depressed but he made me realize I'm actually saving more money than I originally thought so, I will be able to make it by each month. Now as to transitioning, only time will tell..
Bad hair day.
Accidently leaving my keys in my locker at work...had to destroy the lock, that was fun, or would have been had I not been in such a fool mood. :-\
Landscape contractor and crew. Need I say more?
Telling my first guy friend that I was trans... he acted as if I was joking and couldn't make himself believe that I was being honest.
->-bleeped-<- him. I never want to tell another guy again.
Quote from: FilaFord on June 16, 2014, 11:25:11 PM
Telling my first guy friend that I was trans... he acted as if I was joking and couldn't make himself believe that I was being honest.
<not allowed> him. I never want to tell another guy again.
Then again look at the shiny side of that dark cloud, it was a helluva pass when you think of it. Cheer up, they're not all dorks!
Quote from: FilaFord on June 16, 2014, 11:25:11 PM
Telling my first guy friend that I was trans... he acted as if I was joking and couldn't make himself believe that I was being honest.
<not allowed> him. I never want to tell another guy again.
If the relationship continued you would have to eventually tell him (or any guy) that you were born a guy and have undergone full SRS. It is probably better to tell them before the relationship turns sexual.
Almost missed the bus. I had to jog and flag the driver down and felt embarrassed. The only reason I was able to make it (other than the driver stopping) was because a guy was getting off the bus at my stop, which gave me a bit more time. If he didn't do that, then I would have been screwed. I think an angel was looking out for me because at that time, no one really gets off at that stop. Stupid call at work held me up, some girl who wanted to check on the status of her application, but it was missing. I didn't even have a change to take my habitual bathroom stop before leaving.
My friend cancelled on eating dinner together at the last minute. I text him that I might come a bit later due to watching Brazil vs. Mexico but then he proceeds to tell me "Oh, I might have to cancel. My mom needs me to pick her up since her boyfriend is stuck at work." I asked why he didn't tell me earlier and he's like "She just told me 10 minutes ago".
Quote from: mac1 on June 17, 2014, 02:49:09 PM
If the relationship continued you would have to eventually tell him (or any guy) that you were born a guy and have undergone full SRS. It is probably better to tell them before the relationship turns sexual.
No no no! Gross! I don't want anything sexual with him hahha
He has been a good friend since I was like 16 years old. He's over it now and is trying to understand so it's not as bad as I thought. I was being a bit over dramatic last night :-/
Laptop charger going out
My friend Megan Joanne is feeling suicidal and seems to be having a meltdown. I'm concerned about her!
Quote from: Shantel on June 17, 2014, 06:42:47 PM
My friend Megan Joanne is feeling suicidal and seems to be having a meltdown. I'm concerned about her!
I'm really sorry to hear that. Send her a hug from me, okay? :-\
Quote from: Sephirah on June 17, 2014, 06:46:03 PM
I'm really sorry to hear that. Send her a hug from me, okay? :-\
She's a member here and posted in "what I have done today" She's not responding to my pm so I'm wondering if she's OK and hope she isn't serious about harming herself.
Damn testosterone, its making me nuts!
But I'm okay now. Just had to run its course (tends to always hit me hardest in the morning :-\ ). Got through it as I always have. Thank you, both of you. :-*
I'm having some serious anxiety though.
Pretty much the same thing as usual, just that I was pissed of enough to make a post of it with words too "dirty" for this community:
http://wipnoah.tumblr.com/post/89147927488/the-online-dating-issue
Had my 3rd monthly therapy session today but no closer to starting hrt. So frustrating after waiting 5 months to start therapy .
Parents calling me stupid and lacking common sense. Over a missing yearbook photo.
Had a major storm last night. One of the big spruces was hit by lightning and lost a good thirty foot section which fell into the sunburst locust and took out a huge limb off of that. In the mean time the peonies which were just starting to bloom (After surviving the winter) are now as flat as a road pancake. Already spent four hours cleaning up as much as I could,but the top of the spruce tree is hung up about 12 feet off the ground. (Hopefully be able to get someone out soon) And to top it all off I tried to pretend that my finger was a branch. (Good thing I don't use power tools. I would be hazardess to my own health) :P
i'm feeling a bit blue today.
Still having those un-needed parts.
Quote from: Marcel on June 18, 2014, 09:34:31 AM
Parents calling me stupid and lacking common sense. Over a missing yearbook photo.
OMG, how f***ing petty of them. My parents were the same way, constantly telling me what a worthless loser I was and how I'd never amount to anything because I had something stuck in my teeth or something. It's a miracle I have any self-esteem at all after all the years of gratuitous abuse I took. I mean seriously, if there was a major life lesson to be learned and it really would have affected my future in the grand scheme of things, I would have been all ears. After I graduated from college on my own, I lost one of my best friends to a suicide that I was frequently blamed for and in turn, my job (no great loss in hindsight) due to the fallout. I became homeless and had to move back in with my parents for a few weeks while I got my sh*t together. They were so condescending, sarcastic, derisive, abusive and horrible to me each and every day, that I moved out the very minute I was able to do so. Their parting shot to me was, "Thanks for stopping by." I think they got the message loud and clear when we basically didn't speak for about 20 years. Now that they realize I was trans and how hellacious my life had to have been (no thanks to them), they are now kicking themselves in the heads for making it all worse and realizing now that they really missed out. We're actually all pretty good now for the first time ever. I suspect that the fact they are comfortably retired helps a lot.
I was going to post some small first world problem right now, but now I don't mind so much.
Quote from: Jill F on June 18, 2014, 05:09:10 PM
OMG, how f***ing petty of them. My parents were the same way, constantly telling me what a worthless loser I was and how I'd never amount to anything because I had something stuck in my teeth or something. It's a miracle I have any self-esteem at all after all the years of gratuitous abuse I took. I mean seriously, if there was a major life lesson to be learned and it really would have affected my future in the grand scheme of things, I would have been all ears. After I graduated from college on my own, I lost one of my best friends to a suicide that I was frequently blamed for and in turn, my job (no great loss in hindsight) due to the fallout. I became homeless and had to move back in with my parents for a few weeks while I got my sh*t together. They were so condescending, sarcastic, derisive, abusive and horrible to me each and every day, that I moved out the very minute I was able to do so. Their parting shot to me was, "Thanks for stopping by." I think they got the message loud and clear when we basically didn't speak for about 20 years. Now that they realize I was trans and how hellacious my life had to have been (no thanks to them), they are now kicking themselves in the heads for making it all worse and realizing now that they really missed out. We're actually all pretty good now for the first time ever. I suspect that the fact they are comfortably retired helps a lot.
I was going to post some small first world problem right now, but now I don't mind so much.
I'm very sorry to hear about your past troubles but at least there's some progress. This is exactly why I'm looking for a job (no previous employment experience) so I can support myself and then worry about transitioning and moving out of the apartment because I'm really losing my patience. Everyone in my family seems to be functioning well at the expense of my happiness since I'm always catering to their expectations. I can't do nothing but just sit there with a blank, if not angry expression, and just be quiet as much as possible while plugging myself to my iPod music.
Phone screen got scratched today
Phone call with a very aggressive man. Grrr!
Quote from: LordKAT on June 18, 2014, 09:20:31 PM
Phone call with a very aggressive man. Grrr!
No one has to act that way and expect to get any positive response, what a dick huh?
A very spicy meal that's hotter coming out than it was going in!
Mom forced me to shave off the little mustache I had.
Quote from: big kim on June 19, 2014, 06:33:54 AM
A very spicy meal that's hotter coming out than it was going in!
Wondering if the loo is still intact! :D :laugh:
Quote from: Bandors on June 19, 2014, 06:41:42 AM
Mom forced me to shave off the little mustache I had.
-hugs-
Quote from: Bandors on June 19, 2014, 06:41:42 AM
Mom forced me to shave off the little mustache I had.
It'll grow back trust me. I was forced to shave off my peach fuzz when I went in the Army, had it not been for that I probably never would have had much facial hair. Seems like shaving stimulates the follicles.
Quote from: King Malachite on June 19, 2014, 08:11:25 AM
-hugs-
Thank you. /hugs back/
Quote from: Shantel on June 19, 2014, 08:15:48 AM
It'll grow back trust me. I was forced to shave off my peach fuzz when I went in the Army, had it not been for that I probably never would have had much facial hair. Seems like shaving stimulates the follicles.
Yeah, I know it'll grow back. Only for it to be shaved off again... :-\
Quote from: Bandors on June 19, 2014, 10:14:23 AM
Thank you. /hugs back/
Yeah, I know it'll grow back. Only for it to be shaved off again... :-\
Yes, but, look on the bright side, the more it's shaved the better it will be when you finally DO grow it out.
Quote from: Shana-chanYes, but, look on the bright side, the more it's shaved the better it will be when you finally DO grow it out.
I would have preferred never having the facial or body hair in the beginning.
I just started feeling really sad. =/ Trying to figure out what was going on in my head to bring this on.
Quote from: birkin on June 19, 2014, 03:11:19 PM
I just started feeling really sad. =/ Trying to figure out what was going on in my head to bring this on.
After the good luck with finding work you have gotten after so long, maybe your body is looking for that other shoe to drop? Don't you deserve it all you worked hard and didn't give up.
Quote from: immortal gypsy on June 19, 2014, 03:56:45 PM
After the good luck with finding work you have gotten after so long, maybe your body is looking for that other shoe to drop? Don't you deserve it all you worked hard and didn't give up.
Actually, that makes a lot of sense. I was feeling a lot of stress before these jobs started coming together and now that's like...gone. =/ You're right, I'm going to try to enjoy this, it took a long time but now I'm here. ;D
Bus was over an hour late
Talk with a counselor, issues brought up. Why is it I sometimes come out feeling worse then I went in
Quote from: immortal gypsy on June 19, 2014, 08:22:54 PM
Talk with a counselor, issues brought up. Why is it I sometimes come out feeling worse then I went in
Facing feelings properly for the first time is VERY hard. I can't tell you how many times I've scratched the surface of something only to run back into hiding to avoid the pain of actually dealing with them. As long as your counsellor is giving you ways to deal with these feelings, and make forward motion, rather than just exposing wounds for the sake of exposing wounds - it's OK if it feels a little worse before it gets better.
Quote from: birkin on June 19, 2014, 08:29:00 PM
Facing feelings properly for the first time is VERY hard. I can't tell you how many times I've scratched the surface of something only to run back into hiding to avoid the pain of actually dealing with them. As long as your counsellor is giving you ways to deal with these feelings, and make forward motion, rather than just exposing wounds for the sake of exposing wounds - it's OK if it feels a little worse before it gets better.
Yes, I liken it to peeling an onion layer by layer each session, it brings tears and there's a lot of kleenex tissue that gets used up, but there are revelations and understanding that comes of it and sometimes we get the tools to recognize the triggers and learn to side step it before we get sucked into it's vortex next time.
Quote from: birkin on June 19, 2014, 08:29:00 PM
Facing feelings properly for the first time is VERY hard. I can't tell you how many times I've scratched the surface of something only to run back into hiding to avoid the pain of actually dealing with them. As long as your counsellor is giving you ways to deal with these feelings, and make forward motion, rather than just exposing wounds for the sake of exposing wounds - it's OK if it feels a little worse before it gets better.
He noticed I was carrying more hurt then normal, then it all started some I told the rest I couldn't. (I would still be there otherwise). Told to take extra care and not harm myself, this is/was not my fault. Still doesn't change the fact that I just want to run and not stop.
Quote from: Shantel on June 19, 2014, 08:43:32 PM
Yes, I liken it to peeling an onion layer by layer each session, it brings tears and there's a lot of kleenex tissue that gets used up, but there are revelations and understanding that comes of it and sometimes we get the tools to recognize the triggers and learn to side step it before we get sucked into it's vortex next time.
So will it be insider trading if I tell you to buy kleenex stock? I usually like the vortex, when stress, chaos and mayhem are raging all around me is when I can find myself most calm
Mt roommate now somehow has a switch (probably in her room, I checked everywhere else, and she locked her door, which she never does) to turn off power to our entire apartment (except the fridge) and my room still doesn't have power regardless. I thought she'd get over it, me being gone and all. Now I just have to avoid her until she moves out. Easier said than done.
having a conversation wtih a friend that is just not going well. not about trans stuff. he asked me what's wrong and then when I told him, said "not everything is about you". shouldn't have said anything.
Quote from: mac1 on June 19, 2014, 02:20:13 PM
I would have preferred never having the facial or body hair in the beginning.
The phrase "would have" is so often written as "would of", that when I see it written properly, it stands out and it takes a second for me to realize that it's the proper way of writing it.
I brought a King Endymion key chain on "sale" for 6.23 and once the sale ended, it was $7.99. I thought I had gotten a good deal considering it was $8.99 originally, but now, they are having another sale and it's $5.99. That hurt.....
Augh! I ate some of my leftovers for breakfast and it tasted like alcohol. There was nothing alcohol related in it so I'm guessing something in there fermented. :icon_yikes:
Note to self: learn more recipes for single people.
My mother told me to stop ignoring my dad, which I've been doing due to that whole yearbook incident.
He tried to get me to fist bump the day after, acting like the day before never happened but now he's pissed at me for the silent treatment. Apparently, I'm supposed to keep giving him hugs and kisses no matter what. >:(
I deserve an apology for his conduct. Just because it's his house doesn't give him license to throw the yearbook at me and complain about my BA degree, not even saying that he's proud of me like any other parent. I'm not even expecting an apology because I've never heard him in my entire life say "I'm sorry" to ANYONE.
I can relate so much to your family stuff, Bandors. There are men in my family who refuse to apologize for anything either, even when they were clearly in the wrong.
I told my mom I found a penny today and she goes on to say "I heard that if you find a penny and if it's face up, then it's good luck, but if it's faced down"
I told her sharply to stop right there because I don't want to hear it, but she ignores my request and continues.
"it's bad luck"
As an extremely superstitious person that has a lot of bad luck in my life, that was the LAST thing I need to hear. Now it will constantly be on my mind and if I find a penny that's tails up, I'll be waiting for the unlucky thing to happen to me. UGH!! I would have much rather walked home than for her to tell me that. She said she found four pennies, but because they were on tails, she didn't pick them up. The cynical part of me thinks she wanted to act evil and continued to tell me even though I begged her not to, was to feel better about herself for leaving the change on the ground. As the saying goes, "misery loves company".
I told my mom that I have a bad life already so I really didn't need to hear that. She asked what is so bad about my life, because I have a job, but I didn't want to talk about it. I asked her what if I told her that if you found $100 bill on the ground, that it's bad luck if it's on the face but good luck if it's on the tail and if she found $100 bill on the ground heads up would she leave it because it's bad luck and she replies "that's different".
Yeah, she wouldn't leave it on the ground. Money is money. Whether it's a penny or $100, it still spends. With paying for my top surgery out-pocket, it would be foolish to leave a penny on the ground. My bad luck started in 1992, when I was born....
Bandors I'm still giving my father the silent treatment after ten years the first three we where living under the same roof and family holidays, like you I'm waiting for that apology. Parents may say it's my house my rules, but rules are always made to be broken.
Quote from: birkin on June 21, 2014, 03:49:16 PM
I can relate so much to your family stuff, Bandors. There are men in my family who refuse to apologize for anything either, even when they were clearly in the wrong.
Yeah, my dad is exactly like that and I don't expect him to give an apology.
Quote from: immortal gypsy on June 21, 2014, 09:35:16 PM
Bandors I'm still giving my father the silent treatment after ten years the first three we where living under the same roof and family holidays, like you I'm waiting for that apology. Parents may say it's my house my rules, but rules are always made to be broken.
I see. Parents and I aren't American born so it's a little more complicated.
Quote from: King Malachite on June 21, 2014, 08:54:58 PM
My bad luck started in 1992, when I was born....
1992? Whaaat? You're as old as my younger brother! o.O I don't know why that messes with my head so much lol. I hear about 1992 kids and I'm like "what you're just a baby."
Quote from: birkin on June 22, 2014, 02:47:12 AM
1992? Whaaat? You're as old as my younger brother! o.O I don't know why that messes with my head so much lol. I hear about 1992 kids and I'm like "what you're just a baby."
Lol I have 8 more years until I'm 30. I'm pretty old. :p
Quote from: birkin on June 22, 2014, 02:47:12 AM
1992? Whaaat? You're as old as my younger brother! o.O I don't know why that messes with my head so much lol. I hear about 1992 kids and I'm like "what you're just a baby."
Funny, I'm also born in 1992.
What caused me to be depressed was thinking about what would happen once I do start taking hormones, I'm a bit fearful of my life, being alone with no one to love and the looming prospect of losing a family despite them really being a pain in my rear.
The usual, depression is hitting me hard, some dark thoughts are creeping back in, feeling like an annoying nuisance, feeling lonely and hating it. Also just in general hating myself.
my depression has gotten much worse over the last few weeks.
doesn't help that i'm even dreaming about the event that upset me.
but i suspect there's another reason why its gotten worse.
which is because of my dad. relations have gotten cold again due to his scumbag nature and me disproving his lies. HE broke off contact this time around.
i've been more than a little off lately, i know that. every day is just the same old mess. every other day i dream of the intolerant people who tried to ruin my life and wake up pissed off at everyone and everything. i've been quite grumpy lately and just tired of everything. it's just sad that we can't get along together. it's a damn shame. i'm tired of him. he had his billion chances. death on two legs, don't bother me any longer.
I had to work a long shift today and therefore missed out on seeing a prophetess I've been wanting to see for a long time. I had to come in over an hour and a half late. :(
Neck and back are playing up which of coarse triggers a migraine and nausea and sleep issues :P
Pretty sure someone pulled out their phone and took a picture of me while I was out earlier. =/ Wtf is wrong with people.
Quote from: birkin on June 22, 2014, 10:51:28 PM
Pretty sure someone pulled out their phone and took a picture of me while I was out earlier. =/ Wtf is wrong with people.
That happened to me about 6 weeks ago what ever happened to privacy
Birkin & Emily,
Movie stars get the same treatment all the time!
Gorgeous people attract attention; be proud.
They took pics of people they are envious of.
My bloodwork was not sent when it should have been so I'll have to wait another two days to get my results.
The NHS refuses to give me any information about my next appointment, apparently it's not a waiting list but a pool from which the psychologist chooses who's next :(
Last night my wife commented that the bottle of vodka in the freezer was getting low. I bought it about two months ago. The previous one was half empty a year after I bought it and sat on the shelf until the other day when I put it back in the freezer. As you can see, I'm a VERY occasional drinker. Thing is, lately, particularly since I came out to my wife, the dysphoria get's especially bad and sometimes it's so bad I need a drink to ease it, perhaps two or so drinks in the course of a week and never more than one a night. I've been having trouble finding an endo, every lead dries up. My wife hopes the endo will tell me I'm wrong and it's something else, anything else. (What? Schizophrenia? Major Depression? Bi-polar Disorder?)
This morning she was out of sorts and cranky and I wished her a good day as she left for work, her reply was "it won't be a good day until you find an endocrinologist, and probably not then either!"
Sometimes I wish I had just kept my mouth shut and suffered in silence, even though I KNOW that can't work!
Sometimes I wonder if this isn't just something I made up to get away from her, even though I have NO desire to do that.
Sometimes I think death would be preferable, even though suicide is not in me.
Often I wish I was as clueless about this as I was a year ago. Depressed and anxious with no clue why is sometimes better than knowing why if it shatters your entire world.
My dad was told that I'm transgender by my mom. She says he's fine with it and I wouldn't know that because I'm still not speaking to him due to that whole BA degree/yearbook incident. According to mom, he's apparently mad at me because I'm irresponsible, don't seem to care about anything (assumptions he made all because of not caring whether my yearbook picture was there or not...) and that I didn't give my parents a card for their anniversary. It would be wrong to give them something when I really don't mean it and that it's not my anniversary. :(
If that didn't seem enough, my mom made really ignorant comments like "It doesn't matter if you have this gender dysphoria thing, that's no reason to treat your uncle that way." I only treat him like that because he tries to tell me what to do and makes comments about how I need to look pretty, wear dresses and all that stuff which set me off and I have no other way to express myself. In other words, she invalidates my feelings and thinks that gender dysphoria is NOTHING. Apparently, she also doesn't know about how transition affects others because she made a comment about how Chaz Bono acted when transitioning and that his partner left him because of the way he was acting, which is fine but my mother fails to understand that transitioning really puts a relationship to the test and some people can't handle it.
Quote from: Dee Walker on June 23, 2014, 08:59:54 AM
Last night my wife commented that the bottle of vodka in the freezer was getting low. I bought it about two months ago. The previous one was half empty a year after I bought it and sat on the shelf until the other day when I put it back in the freezer. As you can see, I'm a VERY occasional drinker. Thing is, lately, particularly since I came out to my wife, the dysphoria get's especially bad and sometimes it's so bad I need a drink to ease it, perhaps two or so drinks in the course of a week and never more than one a night. I've been having trouble finding an endo, every lead dries up. My wife hopes the endo will tell me I'm wrong and it's something else, anything else. (What? Schizophrenia? Major Depression? Bi-polar Disorder?)
This morning she was out of sorts and cranky and I wished her a good day as she left for work, her reply was "it won't be a good day until you find an endocrinologist, and probably not then either!"
Sometimes I wish I had just kept my mouth shut and suffered in silence, even though I KNOW that can't work!
Sometimes I wonder if this isn't just something I made up to get away from her, even though I have NO desire to do that.
Sometimes I think death would be preferable, even though suicide is not in me.
Often I wish I was as clueless about this as I was a year ago. Depressed and anxious with no clue why is sometimes better than knowing why if it shatters your entire world.
I really feel for you Dee I know exactly what your going through I was in the exact same situation 3 years ago after coming out to my wife she grew distant from me and the relationship dissolved 2 years later and I have been much happier since if you need to chat feel free to pm me HUGS xx
I was sad to realize that detransitioning will let my sister think she was right in her lone crusade to stubbornly refuse to respect my identity. That she won't make even a split second attempt to understand the pain that led to both decisions, she'll just immediately decide she was right about me all along and that I was in some weird phase, I'm just a normal gay boy.
And sad that I am probably almost as transphobic as her in the first place. If I didn't know how impossible it is to get by with this society's gender roles when you're really really different, I'd probably judge someone like me almost as much.
Well of course I would be judged. I'm such a thoroughly petty, spiteful, judgmental person myself, and the worst part is that I actually know what it feels like to care and I'm still that way anyway.
I'm so tired of myself and tired of people like my sister too. Just, bleh. :(
Quote from: Emily.T on June 23, 2014, 02:21:55 PM
I really feel for you Dee I know exactly what your going through I was in the exact same situation 3 years ago after coming out to my wife she grew distant from me and the relationship dissolved 2 years later and I have been much happier since if you need to chat feel free to pm me HUGS xx
Thank you.
Talk about whipsawing! I just got an email from her discussing vacation plans for the rest of the year. She seems perfectly fine now.
Is this normal female behavior? Maybe I'm not trans, maybe I'm a persimmon. I'm seriously confused. Last week she gave me a bottle of lavender bath salts this week she worries about how I'm changing?
Good thing I see my therapist tomorrow.
Finished day 1 of two long days of training for work. I don't know why, but I hate these things. They are so condescending by going over relatively simple things that I already do everyday. As though we need these classes to succeed at work and learn how to do simple everyday things. And I have to get up and leave for around 6:30 in the morning tomorrow just to make day two on time. It's so dumb. At least I technically have off tomorrow evening if it's going to be an annoying day, so there is that.
Unhappy? Just my situation. Hate my job. The only two people I really talk to, which are girls of course, have ulterior motives. One is my ex trying to get back with me, another is a "friend" who wants the same thing. So if I come out to them, I'm sure they will be sooo pleased and keep it under wraps. Not! So the only two people I talk to, I can't really be honest with them either. I just lie to them like everyone else. :-(
Did not get an interview to take over an agency this month. Was not intrested in going for one before untill I was told by my my boss that I have the ability to run an agency myself. This was my first attempt so I'm not too upset but now I do want one. What is upsetting is that the latest one avaliable is in an area that is too far away for me to apply to and the rent in the area means I couldn't live there.
Seeing someone (non mod) follow me around reading my new posts...
Creepy.
Quote from: Evelyn K on June 24, 2014, 12:40:21 AM
Seeing someone (non mod) follow me around reading my new posts...
Creepy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3CH0tN515M (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3CH0tN515M)
I'm watching Transamerica, and can't stop crying.
I missed getting to talk to Rainbow today. I miss her so much. :( I have so much money to save up if I am ever going to see her and the list of expenses isn't getting any shorter (my tooth is on the cusp of death, literally - probably $1K right there)...for the foreseeable future I am going to be busy 7 days a week too.
Quote from: learningtolive on June 23, 2014, 04:57:08 PM
Finished day 1 of two long days of training for work. I don't know why, but I hate these things. They are so condescending by going over relatively simple things that I already do everyday. As though we need these classes to succeed at work and learn how to do simple everyday things. And I have to get up and leave for around 6:30 in the morning tomorrow just to make day two on time. It's so dumb. At least I technically have off tomorrow evening if it's going to be an annoying day, so there is that.
Completed training and passed, so that is a good way to end the past few days. However, there was something about this training that left me feeling sort of dysphoric. I work in medical and we were discussing things like registering patients. Part of the process is getting their demographics information like their gender or sex. In our computer system there is an option for those who don't wish to disclose or identify with male/female. This selection sort of made some jokes pop up around the room which made me feel uncomfortable. No one was trying to be hurtful with it, but I wish people would think about how someone trans or gender non-conforming might feel. Personally, the laughter didn't make me feel too comfortable. The other thing that left me feeling a bit dysphoric is the fact that almost everyone in my field or job type are female. Something about being around a bunch of other girls my age really highlights my own physical differences and makes me feel a little disgusted with myself for being such a freak. I know it's weird, but I can't help but feel jealous of other women at times and being around many of them makes me feel like I stick out as "the guy". I don't know. It's upsetting to me. Just felt like ranting a little.
Right before I was about to close up my shift, all the power went out in the front desk. I couldn't get into the cash register and the credit card machine's power was off. I tried to call my boss several times, but he never picked up and my mom was waiting outside so I just had to leave it and deal with it tomorrow. I hope I didn't do anything to screw it up. The boss is not going to be happy about this.
SOOOOOO SLEEPY! i slept for 13 hours including a 3 hour nap and i still feel like sleeping for the next 100 years :(
Idiots and a*holes. So, pretty much the usual...
My boyfriend(ish. We both haven't moved to that step yet (but I want to) because we each think ourselves as unworthy) thinks he's too old for me and a bunch of other lame excuses that are obviously ruining his self esteem. I want to help (and hook up) but I don't know what to do because my self esteem isn't great either.
Quote from: Lauren5 on June 24, 2014, 10:49:36 PM
My boyfriend(ish. We both haven't moved to that step yet (but I want to) because we each think ourselves as unworthy) thinks he's too old for me and a bunch of other lame excuses that are obviously ruining his self esteem. I want to help (and hook up) but I don't know what to do because my self esteem isn't great either.
I didn't know guys struggled with this :O if it helps, tell him it's really normal to date younger girls maybe?
Quote from: sad panda on June 25, 2014, 12:07:45 AMI didn't know guys struggled with this :O if it helps, tell him it's really normal to date younger girls maybe?
This is why he's special. He's not in it for just sex. Although I feel that may make him feel better about himself, along with myself. Sex with a man is something I see as a need to validate my femininity, along with other things, some unattainable, like carrying a child.
I think it reaches deeper than that. Perhaps he feels at his age he's failed with relationships and truly thinks he is incapable of being loved. I wish he'd open up more to me.
I know he had body image issues, and took to weightlifting to amend that. Which made me even more attracted to him.
Overall I'm just confused on what to do next. He says move on, find a nice boy who wants to spend his life with me, and to not worry about him. But I have found the man I want to spend my life with. Everyone has flaws, his aren't so bad as to make him less than perfect in my eyes.
The law committee of Finland's parliament voted down the bill about equal marriage again. >:(
Feeling depressed. Is it the boy thing? I don't know. It's affected me, but why hit now when I Kew about it yesterday? I've been sluggish and distracted at work (not to mention overwhelmed and scared, the 128 boxes from the latest order (plus others) looming behind me, and could come crashing down on each at any minute) and overall just not doing well.
EDIT: I remember now. Forgot to take my estrace and spiro this morning.
While at work today, one of my boss' was talking about inviting me and some other girls for a girls night out at a place that's way out of my price range. I didn't catch the full convo so when I later turned the invite down, she told me my other boss who was saying that, was only joking, so, in short, while the invite made me happy, to later find out it was a joke, hurt me and made me depressed, just thinking about it now is doing the same thing..
I've never had a girl's night out, or even a girl's day out for that matter. My sister got to attend those, even got to go to a baby shower, but me? Nope, not even once, which always hurt me and still hurts me to this day... :(
My grandparents are coming over today. I love my grandma to pieces but my grandpa's really difficult and I'm honestly not in the mood after a long day. I feel bad because just yesterday I was telling myself to not say ungrateful crap, and how ungrateful is it to be like "omg my grandparents are alive and live close by and are coming to see us" but honestly he is mentally unstable.
Had to spend a lot of $$ on a truck worth half as much, but it runs well, and it's either for me, and the wife gets the new car, or for her, in which, I get the new car. It will always be her choice. 'course, she could always keep driving the War Wagon.. 247k miles, looks like something found at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, but it's got cold AC.. oh, fergot, another $860/yr for insurance and plates. =(
It's my mother's birthday and she complained about the note I wrote in her birthday card, which primarily talking about my appreciation for somewhat accepting me as FTM.
She proceeded to call me selfish and that this was the only time I wrote that much in a greeting card because it benefited myself. Never satisfied, I guess?
pulled one/some of my lower back muscles. Ow.
The fact that terms such as cis-sexism and me shouting "Die Cis Scum" more and more as time passes can't be a good signal. Being out in Internet is even worse than being out in real life
got grease on my shirt
OK, this is kind of funny but GRRRRR!
I called three times to get an appliance fixed. Got put on hold indefinitely twice, I gave up, waited, called again, got through, got passed around, put on hold some more, then had my call dropped. Almost one hour wasted. Then I drove to the dealer I bought it from, and after waiting for ages, they told me I just had to call that same number again.
After telling my wife of my epic fail adventure, she called them and got right through to order the part.
Mom got angry at me today. When she's angry, she starts saying things like I don't do anything around the house, I'm selfish and that I don't help her out when I know full well that I do. Then she proceeds to nitpick every flaw in my room, such as the organization of my shoes under the bed, makes it worse and tells me to fix it. Makes me feel like crap.
Me and my dad are still not talking, which is fine.
going back to school monday.. only online classes, but then in person classes in sept, honestly I'm terrified, I feel like an alien around people :( and I'm so uncomfortable talking about myself because I think everything I say is wrong, but I'm really uncomfortable with being awkward and silent, or seeming weird and not friendly.
And now while I was writing this my boyfriend was joking around with me a lot, but it was actually stressing me out, because I'm not good with people doing that, I'm afraid there's real feelings of being hurt under the jokes, or people saying things to get a certain reply out of me, and I was a little claustrophobic too, and my attention was divided, and I could feel the stress growing inside my body, and then he touched my hand and I just flipped out and screamed at him not to touch me. He left and now I feel dizzy and out of it. I'm so broken. :(
Realizing that some people have life goals other than "cut down on sudden/loud noises and getting hit." I'm sure I'll think about more normal stuff eventually, but it's frustrating to notice how desperately I seek mundanity.
Radiohead makes it okay, right? Not horrifying knowledge at all. ;D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5CVsCnxyXg
Quote from: Paula Christine on June 26, 2014, 07:07:39 PM
Had to spend a lot of $$ on a truck worth half as much, but it runs well, and it's either for me, and the wife gets the new car, or for her, in which, I get the new car. It will always be her choice. 'course, she could always keep driving the War Wagon.. 247k miles, looks like something found at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, but it's got cold AC.. oh, fergot, another $860/yr for insurance and plates. =(
Just about have my car paid off and am just waiting for some uninsured motorist to run a light and wishbone me. I increased my uninsured motorist coverages because there are so many who drive without insurance in spite of the law.
Hurting other people without intending to have that effect.
Realizing I am part of the problem, not solution no matter how hard I try. :'(
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on June 28, 2014, 03:31:54 PM
Realizing I am part of the problem, not solution no matter how hard I try. :'(
*hugs* I haven't seen you be a part of any problem, Jessica.
---
I'm unhappy because one of my fillings failed and the tooth rotted down
almost to the nerve. We managed to get away with refilling it, but there's a chance that the tooth could die when this filling gives up the ghost. I also paid $250. -_-
A church member accidently cut off the tip of her finger(s).
Quote from: King Malachite on June 29, 2014, 09:01:05 PM
A church member accidently cut off the tip of her finger(s).
Ouch. Is it real bad? How's she holding up?
I'm not sure. I asked my sister and she says that she acts like it doesn't bother her, but she thinks that the lady is in shock right now. The bad part is that the finger(s) couldn't be reattached so now she's just going to have a stub where it was cut.
There was a guy who sheared off the tips of his index, middle and ring finger in a sheet metal shear in my metal shop class in high school, I remember him holding his hand up and watching the the blood squirt into the air like one of those fountains you see in a park
The teacher elected me to collect up the finger tip bits in a tissue and go with him to the nurses office, he went to the hospital but they couldn't re-attach the the finger tips either so his three fingers were all the same length after that and he never came back to the metal shop class
I'd see him around school but he said he was okay and didn't care to talk about it much
Quote from: V M on June 30, 2014, 12:39:23 AM
There was a guy who sheared off the tips of his index, middle and ring finger in a sheet metal shear in my metal shop class in high school, I remember him holding his hand up and watching the the blood squirt into the air like one of those fountains you see in a park
The teacher elected me to collect up the finger tip bits in a tissue and go with him to the nurses office, he went to the hospital but they couldn't re-attach the the finger tips either so his three fingers were all the same length after that and he never came back to the metal shop class
I'd see him around school but he said he was okay and didn't care to talk about it much
Ouch! Sounds like he should have tried to start a Black Sabbath tribute band. Tony Iommi literally did that to his middle and ring fingers on his fretting hand and plays with artificial fingertips. I was always SUPER careful in the guitar shops I worked in because I'm allergic to irony.
Anyway, if I ever find another one armed drummer, I'm going to start a band called Deft Leper. :P
That is an interesting piece of rock n roll trivia, never knew that about Tony Iommi, don't know if the guy from my metal shop class played or not
My fingering hand has gotten broken a few times but luckily I've managed to retain all of my appendages, granted my fingers have a bit of a funky movement to them but it's hardly noticeable and I think it gives me a bit of a unique playing style
Running out of spiro pills, don't have a new prescription from the doctor. Need to call and get one.
i think i'm going insane.
Quote from: Zóôt Threepwood on June 30, 2014, 04:30:47 PM
i think i'm going insane.
Nothing new under the sun, we're all a bit nutty here hon, you're probably in good company!
Really long and tough day at work today.
Thinking I was so close to done on my research, then taking a second look and realizing that I am absolutely not as close as I thought.
I've been waiting 6 weeks now for a response from the NHS, I went to speak to my GP today as he'd offered to chase them up for me if I felt that they were dragging their heels, turns out my GP is on holiday until next Monday :(
Found out after I deposited my personal money in the bank account my boss set up for me that, HIS money that he pays me is the only money that counts towards my minimum balance in order to avoid service fees. I have to make at least 10 purchases a month. -_- I don't care if they are a dollar purchases....it's the principal. This "plan" isn't going to help me save for top surgery as fast.
The fact that I have to walk my dog for free now since my dad and I are still giving each other the silent treatment.
Thinking about a cousin of mine who shot himself with a shotgun 20 years ago
VM- I feel for you. Suicide of someone close to you is such a hard thing to deal with
me- got my paperwork back from the bureau of vital statistics. they rejected it because it wasn't notarized correctly. ->-bleeped-<-. all I want to do is change my name. this whole thing keeps dragging on and on over stupid paperwork issues.
And yeah, I can go back to the person who notarized it and say "do this right!" and show them but that's not the point. it's another freaking delay. then I have to mail it and then wait. And hopefully get back the right thing. Then I have to go to the social security office. And then I have to show that documentation at work and then wait while they notify insurance and until then I am faced with my birth name over and over.
(I'm whining)
Nimrata deleted his account. :(
Overstressed, and getting decimated in a game that was supposed to make me laugh and feel good makes it worse. Ugh.
My Father just phoned me and told me that they had to put the dog down, I'm trying not to think about it but it isn't working. :'(
Go out quickly to buy bread with no makeup, fixed hair, whatever in t-shirt and jeans= Gendered male.
->-bleeped-<-.
Quote from: Falconer on July 01, 2014, 04:32:29 AM
My Father just phoned me and told me that they had to put the dog down, I'm trying not to think about it but it isn't working. :'(
That's always a hard time....((Hugs))
Quote from: King Malachite on June 30, 2014, 11:32:24 PM
Nimrata deleted his account. :(
Do you know why he did that? I'm gutted. I really liked reading his posts.
What made me unhappy today?
I looked at the scale after I got out of the shower.
Big mistake!
Falconer losing her friend, even if it is a dog. Supposedly bad things come in threes. It sounded more like she has had her bad luck to come for a long time. I'm hoping this means she will get a longer run of good luck to follow.
EDIT: I realized this deserved to be in the AARRRG section, so, message deleted and made the post there instead. In short, bad day is a bad day.
Quote from: LordKAT on July 02, 2014, 11:12:04 AM
Falconer losing her friend, even if it is a dog. Supposedly bad things come in threes. It sounded more like she has had her bad luck to come for a long time. I'm hoping this means she will get a longer run of good luck to follow.
Me too. :(
Quote from: King Malachite on June 30, 2014, 11:32:24 PM
Nimrata deleted his account. :(
I hope he is okay and just decided to move on. I've always liked him on this forum and he was one of my favorites around here even though we didn't talk all the time. He always had something thought provoking and insightful to say. I'll miss him.
Quote from: learningtolive on July 02, 2014, 08:20:04 PM
I hope he is okay and just decided to move on. I've always liked him on this forum and he was one of my favorites around here even though we didn't talk all the time. He always had something thought provoking and insightful to say. I'll miss him.
I'll miss him too. I hope he comes back. :/ He was an awesome dude.
It seems like when I buy things online I'm on the fence about, they items seem to go on sale not too soon after. This has happened to me twice now. GAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Customers keep calling me sir at work, even when I look like I did yesterday (http://i.imgur.com/FB07yJJ.jpg).
Why do I even try?
Quote from: Lauren5 on July 02, 2014, 10:16:16 PM
Customers keep calling me sir at work, even when I look like I did yesterday (http://i.imgur.com/FB07yJJ.jpg).
Why do I even try?
Are they blind, obnoxious, stupid or all of the above. You look gorgeous
Trying to not dissociate too much but also not get too scalded by normal feelings, and trying to figure out which feelings are normal and how much is okay to feel. And trying to figure out how much it is okay to suffer or exist less as a person in service of others whose needs are more urgent than mine.
Noticing lately that the better my life is the more I have to face buried problems that couldn't be relevant back when crises were constant.
That some of my peers believe we live in a world of pink unicorns that sh*t skittles.
Quote from: Evelyn K on July 03, 2014, 03:04:54 AM
That some of my peers believe we live in a world of pink unicorns that sh*t skittles.
I would totally believe in that if I thought I could trick myself into it. I think pink unicorns would poop peeps or something that matched them better than skittles, though.
Reading so many stories on the site lately about transwomen being attacked. It's really sad to see how rampant it is and how little sympathy the general public has. And the sad thing is, there is very little we can do to stop it. The fact is society sees us as screwed up men that deserve what we get. They blame us for their violent acts. I don't get it. Most of us just want a normal life. I can say that I'm not looking to trick men or anything. I'll be honest about what I am when I start dating in order to avoid this conflict, but sadly this makes me even more afraid to disclose too. It's like there is no right or wrong way to handle disclosure because it's damned if you do and damned if you don't. Maybe I just have to accept that I'll end up alone for being trans. That no man could ever accept me. If I tell him, I'm a horrible monster that deserves what I get. If I don't tell him, I'm a decieving monster who deserves what I get. Why does there have to be so much hate for us?
Quote from: Lauren5 on July 02, 2014, 10:16:16 PM
Customers keep calling me sir at work, even when I look like I did yesterday.
Why do I even try?
I know it hurts, especially when we do try but, don't let those jerks get to you, I see a woman in that picture and your trying is paying off. I am curious though and, sorry if this upsets you but, do you have a female sounding voice yet and if so were you using it that day?
Quote from: Evelyn K on July 03, 2014, 03:04:54 AM
That some of my peers believe we live in a world of pink unicorns that sh*t skittles.
Ignorance is bliss they say and it's true, till you open your eyes and realize the truth and perhaps how miserable you were/how bad you were hurting others. That can be said for anyone regarding anything though but it's still true. Me, I used to be blind to the truth, not by choice though, now my eyes are open and things are a ton harder on me, no more pink unicorns and roses and such. (Oh come on, skittles made that way, even I was never THAT blind :P) Just remember some people aren't ignorant/blind to the truth because they want to be, while others do that as a coping mechanism and others are just plain ignorant/blind to the truth.
Quote from: learningtolive on July 03, 2014, 08:38:41 AM
Reading so many stories on the site lately about transwomen being attacked. It's really sad to see how rampant it is and how little sympathy the general public has. And the sad thing is, there is very little we can do to stop it. The fact is society sees us as screwed up men that deserve what we get. They blame us for their violent acts. I don't get it. Most of us just want a normal life. I can say that I'm not looking to trick men or anything. I'll be honest about what I am when I start dating in order to avoid this conflict, but sadly this makes me even more afraid to disclose too. It's like there is no right or wrong way to handle disclosure because it's damned if you do and damned if you don't. Maybe I just have to accept that I'll end up alone for being trans. That no man could ever accept me. If I tell him, I'm a horrible monster that deserves what I get. If I don't tell him, I'm a decieving monster who deserves what I get. Why does there have to be so much hate for us?
Mattie, I know how you feel, it's always scary to put your trust in someone and tell them that. However, don't let the news like that get to you, I'm sure there has been a lot more good news for trans people out there than what gets reported and shown/shared. Take me for example, my work when I came out to them could have fired me, instead I went to the HR department (Along with them) and it all worked out for the most part (They're still working on not misgendering me) but, this was the first case they'd ever had from what I was told, they weren't used to it, so when I won sort to speak, it was a big victory for me. Now obviously nothing was done to my knowledge to inform the media of this victory as no reporters, no court etc. were involved but even so, this was a very good thing. The only bad thing is that until I can legally change my name all the forms, schedules etc. will still list my birth name and same with any form that lists my sex which is a shame really but, I understand, legalities and such, still doesn't make it right tbh but I'm not going to worry about it especially since the sex isn't listed out in the open like the name is such as on the schedule. (They did let me have a name tag with my newish name I now go by though)
Anyway, that's just one example of what I mean. Also, keep in mind Mattie that, the biggest news that gets the most attention is "usually" bad news, so that's why we see so much bad news reported vs. the good news. Also, you and we are NOT monsters, never call yourself that! Remember, a monster isn't something that's based on looks but rather based on the actions it does, the only reason people call a Vampire or a wear wolf, a space alien etc. etc. a monster is because it looks different, maybe perhaps scary looking and the fear of the unknown too. People are scared of the unknown and judge based on that and something being different. So remember, the REAL monster here is not someone/something that looks different, but rather those that treat others badly/cruelly.
EDIT: Oh and also, a little extra piece of news about my work, I was told that the decision they made, whatever it would be would not be just for me but for ALL employees who work for the company, not just that one I was working at but all of them. No idea if that included out of state ones or if it was done/implemented but, if true then, it wasn't just a victory for me but for all of us! :)
I feel bad getting mad about this, but here it goes. I'm on another forum and this guy was talking about how he didn't want his mom to be there for him getting top surgery (I guess his mom is the type that sweeps the issue of his identity under the rug or whatever and still wants to be there for some reason) and how a relative pretty much paid for his surgery...like everything. Surgery, fees, food, travel...everything.
I think what just...bugs me more is this is what someone would get hung up over since it seems so small and easy to solve, meanwhile some of us are in the hole and shouldn't be allowed to think about surgery since they can't afford that or a vial of T and have more stuff to worry about. I'm not trying to invalidate his feelings, but it had me really depressed and dysphoric earlier that I probably won't get anywhere before I'm 30 and my family is so damn sketchy that I don't know if I risk being thrown out if I get approved for T and I get my other letters.
Quote from: Shana-chan on July 03, 2014, 09:03:43 AM
I know it hurts, especially when we do try but, don't let those jerks get to you, I see a woman in that picture and your trying is paying off. I am curious though and, sorry if this upsets you but, do you have a female sounding voice yet and if so were you using it that day?
Ignorance is bliss they say and it's true, till you open your eyes and realize the truth and perhaps how miserable you were/how bad you were hurting others. That can be said for anyone regarding anything though but it's still true. Me, I used to be blind to the truth, not by choice though, now my eyes are open and things are a ton harder on me, no more pink unicorns and roses and such. (Oh come on, skittles made that way, even I was never THAT blind :P) Just remember some people aren't ignorant/blind to the truth because they want to be, while others do that as a coping mechanism and others are just plain ignorant/blind to the truth.
Mattie, I know how you feel, it's always scary to put your trust in someone and tell them that. However, don't let the news like that get to you, I'm sure there has been a lot more good news for trans people out there than what gets reported and shown/shared. Take me for example, my work when I came out to them could have fired me, instead I went to the HR department (Along with them) and it all worked out for the most part (They're still working on not misgendering me) but, this was the first case they'd ever had from what I was told, they weren't used to it, so when I won sort to speak, it was a big victory for me. Now obviously nothing was done to my knowledge to inform the media of this victory as no reporters, no court etc. were involved but even so, this was a very good thing. The only bad thing is that until I can legally change my name all the forms, schedules etc. will still list my birth name and same with any form that lists my sex which is a shame really but, I understand, legalities and such, still doesn't make it right tbh but I'm not going to worry about it especially since the sex isn't listed out in the open like the name is such as on the schedule. (They did let me have a name tag with my newish name I now go by though)
Anyway, that's just one example of what I mean. Also, keep in mind Mattie that, the biggest news that gets the most attention is "usually" bad news, so that's why we see so much bad news reported vs. the good news. Also, you and we are NOT monsters, never call yourself that! Remember, a monster isn't something that's based on looks but rather based on the actions it does, the only reason people call a Vampire or a wear wolf, a space alien etc. etc. a monster is because it looks different, maybe perhaps scary looking and the fear of the unknown too. People are scared of the unknown and judge based on that and something being different. So remember, the REAL monster here is not someone/something that looks different, but rather those that treat others badly/cruelly.
EDIT: Oh and also, a little extra piece of news about my work, I was told that the decision they made, whatever it would be would not be just for me but for ALL employees who work for the company, not just that one I was working at but all of them. No idea if that included out of state ones or if it was done/implemented but, if true then, it wasn't just a victory for me but for all of us! :)
Yeah, I know it's not all bad for us. And the news staff is doing a great job finding relevant topics and sometimes that means finding the dark stuff, so I don't want it to sound like a complaint against them. I'm just upset about how the world treats us. The fact that there are even stories about violence and discrimination against us. But you're right. I've had some great reactions from people that surprised me. It's just these sort of stories reinforce my fear and make me fear for my future safety and any chance of having a romantic life. I just wish the world was better for us than it is.
Quote from: Shana-chan on July 03, 2014, 09:03:43 AM
Ignorance is bliss they say and it's true, till you open your eyes and realize the truth and perhaps how miserable you were/how bad you were hurting others. That can be said for anyone regarding anything though but it's still true. Me, I used to be blind to the truth, not by choice though, now my eyes are open and things are a ton harder on me, no more pink unicorns and roses and such. (Oh come on, skittles made that way, even I was never THAT blind :P) Just remember some people aren't ignorant/blind to the truth because they want to be, while others do that as a coping mechanism and others are just plain ignorant/blind to the truth.
I just leave it to Darwinism. Darwin works in mysterious ways. :D
Fek em...
Quote from: learningtolive on July 03, 2014, 10:02:43 AM
Yeah, I know it's not all bad for us. And the news staff is doing a great job finding relevant topics and sometimes that means finding the dark stuff, so I don't want it to sound like a complaint against them. I'm just upset about how the world treats us. The fact that there are even stories about violence and discrimination against us. But you're right. I've had some great reactions from people that surprised me. It's just these sort of stories reinforce my fear and make me fear for my future safety and any chance of having a romantic life. I just wish the world was better for us than it is.
Well the world is not. A big part of it is because of the behaviors that so apparently and starkly reinforces "weirdo" stereotypes that causes violence against us.
And because of it, it's actually compromising *my* own safety.
Now that I think about this more, I am now moving forward with the impression that there is good reason to be hateful within your own community...
Quote from: Evelyn K on July 03, 2014, 10:31:31 AM
Well the world is not. A big part of it is because of the behaviors that so apparently and starkly reinforces "weirdo" stereotypes that causes violence against us.
And because of it, it's actually compromising *my* own safety.
Now that I think about this more, I am now moving forward with the impression that there is good reason to be hateful within your own community...
Care to expand on and clarify what you mean by that?
That I would reserve remorse for anyone that makes a news worthy spectacle out of what we are.
If we are to assimilate in safety, then maybe there should be an code of conduct.
Quote from: Evelyn K on July 03, 2014, 11:44:12 AM
That I would reserve remorse for anyone that makes a news worthy spectacle out of what we are.
If we are to assimilate in safety, then maybe there should be an code of conduct.
It's a good thought but not a possibility that many would adhere to. I don't know how many friends in the past whined to me about being publicly ridiculed for looking like a hooker or a 40 year old dressed like a 12 year old Little Bo-Peep. Skirts not age appropriate, fishnet stockings and anything else that 99% of cis females wouldn't be caught dead in, only to have them jut their lower jaw out at me and defiantly tell me that they have missed out on all this and dammed if anyone is going to say they can't. About all we can do is say good luck with passing then stupid!
^^ Pretty much yeah. The proverbial, "give them enough rope to hang themselves."
Or the 2nd alternative which is to dissociate and go even stealthier.
That's my game plan.
Quote from: Evelyn K on July 03, 2014, 12:24:16 PM
^^ Pretty much yeah. The proverbial, "give them enough rope to hang themselves."
Or the 2nd alternative which is to dissociate and go even stealthier.
That's my game plan.
I'm not even on the playing MtF field living androgynously, but then I'm non-binary anyway and not remotely concerned about what others may think, though I am careful not to present as a complete pariah to the trans community or my own family. There is a balance there that one needs to always consider. Bit of an eccentric? Yes but completely friendly and approachable and I don't bite.
Shan you seem pretty level headed. How about chiming in on this thread...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,168479.0.html
How little actual money I have. I swear, the moment I can pay for surgery I am simply going to throw the money at them and never even look back because it's so easy to lose your cash lol.
That I am unable to get those unneeded and unwanted things removed.
I'm trying to apply for a student loan, but it claims my account is locked. I hate these people.
Quote from: Shana-chan on July 03, 2014, 09:03:43 AMI know it hurts, especially when we do try but, don't let those jerks get to you, I see a woman in that picture and your trying is paying off. I am curious though and, sorry if this upsets you but, do you have a female sounding voice yet and if so were you using it that day?
It's kinda feminine, I do the best I can. Can't get it into the range I want it but I have heard women speak lower than that before.
Quote from: immortal gypsy on July 03, 2014, 12:10:35 AMAre they blind, obnoxious, stupid or all of the above. You look gorgeous
I was thinking blind, but I seem to look better in pictures than IRL.
Oh, I missed your post for some reason, Lauren...yeah it seems like people are being jerks, you are clearly presenting as female there. Any chance they'd know you from other days, like have there been days you presented as male or androgynous? People remember these things for some reason.
In any case, people will give you less hassle after more time on HRT. You already look very feminine, but I've noticed big changes in a lot of girls over the first year or two and people stop misgendering them.
Quote from: Evelyn K on July 03, 2014, 10:31:31 AM
Well the world is not. A big part of it is because of the behaviors that so apparently and starkly reinforces "weirdo" stereotypes that causes violence against us.
And because of it, it's actually compromising *my* own safety.
Now that I think about this more, I am now moving forward with the impression that there is good reason to be hateful within your own community...
If someone attacks me violently or sexually, I would feel more inclined to blame the aggressor than I would someone like Rupaul. I may hate the imagine that Rupaul projects and makes people assume about us, but he owes me nothing and it's not his fault when we are assaulted. There is no justification for someone to hurt us that way even if they try and justify it.
But I agree that the world is dangerous for us. That's why I seek stealth and blending in. That's why I'm very awkward about being trans. However, I think of all the things that are beyond my control and it scares me. Many transwomen have found themselves facing discrimination and violence without doing anything to deserve it. We are just a group that people feel justified to hurt and discriminate against. Granted, I can't blame a guy for not being attracted to someone because they're trans, that's his right, but attacking a girl and hurting her is another thing. Read what straight men say about us and how they feel "bashing their skulls in" would be appropriate (and I've been reading a lot of that the past week). Sometimes hate just exists and that;s the problem. That's why it's a dangerious world and it's hard to safetly navigate through it as a woman let alone one that's trans. It seems passing is one option, but that's not full proof either.
Quote from: learningtolive on July 03, 2014, 09:43:41 PM
it's a dangerious world
Thanks Mattie, I remembered something my Mama used to tell me, that it's a dangerous world out there. While I know this is the truth, I still forgot what she said. So many of my memories gone, forgotten, erased even. Heck, I don't remember most of my child hood, it's like I have amnesia or as if someone erased my memories. So to remember this, makes me happy, thanks. :) Also, try not to read so many of those dark and scary/depressing stories, sounds like it's getting to you.
Quote from: birkin on July 03, 2014, 08:49:43 PMOh, I missed your post for some reason, Lauren...yeah it seems like people are being jerks, you are clearly presenting as female there. Any chance they'd know you from other days, like have there been days you presented as male or androgynous? People remember these things for some reason.
In any case, people will give you less hassle after more time on HRT. You already look very feminine, but I've noticed big changes in a lot of girls over the first year or two and people stop misgendering them.
No, these are all tourists. Never met any of them in my life.
And jtlyk, never went andro.
Bones in the face won't change :(
Aw, I'm sorry to hear it. :( Regardless they were being a-holes because you clearly aren't male there.
No the bones don't change but facial fat redistribution does a LOT. My face shape is super different from before and I don't think any bones have grown (they are mostly obscured by my fat anyway haha).
I miss my Honeybear. I have the chance to chat with him but I think he is sleeping.
Quote from: Rainbow Brite on July 03, 2014, 10:49:17 PM
I miss my Honeybear. I have the chance to chat with him but I think he is sleeping.
NO ;D logging on now
Anime Expo is going on right now with Yaya Han there and I can't be there. :(
alone on the 4th :/
Nasty disgusting kid coughed on my arm....disgusting kid
Wanting a man in my life, but being too far away from a decent sized city where I could find not only men who aren't into camo, pickup trucks, and fishing, and are also trans friendly.
Read a crime victim email notification about a certain offender. His listed statue has changed from "Felony Sodomy" to "Sex Abuse of a Child Less Than Twelve." I know that Alabama has historically considered almost everything they don't like to be sodomy, so the older designation was easier to look at. The newer label is so specific. I don't know how to feel like anything will ever be okay. I've been reeling for hours, just trying to figure out how to put this stuff back into some dusty unnecessary part of my mind. I don't know of any healthy way to incorporate this information into a working narrative.
This shouldn't happen at all ever, and he was someone I cared about. His actions divided my friends and family (he was so charismatic, and many people insisted he was too nice to do these bad things) and destroyed my support structure. People used to say she brought it on herself, that she seduced him. She was seven.
It's never okay to talk about it, so I get to where I've mostly forgotten and then these bureaucratic missives come hurtling out of the blue like missiles.
My dresser is broken. It's been broken for awhile now and I've managed to make do, but now I might not be able to. I don't have a vehicle to get another one.
Quote from: Felix on July 06, 2014, 05:44:12 AM
Read a crime victim email notification about a certain offender. His listed statue has changed from "Felony Sodomy" to "Sex Abuse of a Child Less Than Twelve." I know that Alabama has historically considered almost everything they don't like to be sodomy, so the older designation was easier to look at. The newer label is so specific. I don't know how to feel like anything will ever be okay. I've been reeling for hours, just trying to figure out how to put this stuff back into some dusty unnecessary part of my mind. I don't know of any healthy way to incorporate this information into a working narrative.
This shouldn't happen at all ever, and he was someone I cared about. His actions divided my friends and family (he was so charismatic, and many people insisted he was too nice to do these bad things) and destroyed my support structure. People used to say she brought it on herself, that she seduced him. She was seven.
It's never okay to talk about it, so I get to where I've mostly forgotten and then these bureaucratic missives come hurtling out of the blue like missiles.
Oh god, this wasn't your daughter, was it? :( No matter, still very messed up.
Quote from: Felix on July 06, 2014, 05:44:12 AM
People used to say she brought it on herself, that she seduced him. She was seven.
That's f-ed up.
I am sorry you had/have to go through this, Felix.
Geeze Felix how horrible! I am sad for your child who will be scarred for life by this traumatizing event and my heart goes out to you as the dear mother who suffers from it too. Bless you honey..(((Hugs)))
I saw a dead kitten during my walk today. It wasn't gory, it just looked like it was sleeping, but it had bugs flying all around it. Poor thing... :'(
Quote from: Felix on July 06, 2014, 05:44:12 AM
People used to say she brought it on herself, that she seduced him. She was seven.
Seriously?!
Wow...WTF?!
That is one of the most screwed things that I have ever read.
Mine was actually on Saturday, but I haven't been online since then so I'm only posting it today.
I had the misfortune of heading into Bristol whilst the St. Paul's Carnival was on. If you're not aware, the St. Paul's Carnival is supposed to be a celebration of our city's Afro-Caribbean community. That's the idea, but in reality it tends to attract all sorts of undesirables to the city from the surrounding areas and we tend to see a massive increase in crime & general mayhem. Six people were stabbed on Saturday during the 'festivities', if that gives you some idea of what it's like.
Y'know, I grew up in Johannesburg, which has one of the highest crime rates in the world... and yet until Saturday I've never seen so many people off their heads in the same place at the same time. Nor have I heard so many police sirens going off in a day... and this from someone who happened to be on the streets of Johannesburg during the riots when Nelson Mandela was released from prison (I narrowly escaped being teargassed).
What. A. Sheethole. I felt like I was back in Hillbrow again. Keep it classy, Bristol. :(
Not getting replies to my posts even though I reply to the posts that I can relate to or have input to share. Sometimes I don't know why I bother If I'm not accepted here what chance do I have in the real world.
Man... reading these sad things makes my comment feel silly... I ran out of sugar cubes for my coffee :P I had to use -sigh- regular sugar.
Quote from: Emily.T on July 07, 2014, 08:30:18 AM
Not getting replies to my posts even though I reply to the posts that I can relate to or have input to share. Sometimes I don't know why I bother If I'm not accepted here what chance do I have in the real world.
Emily,
I don't respond to a lot of people's posts and a lot of people don't respond to mine either, it doesn't mean that they aren't being read and that people aren't agreeing with the comments. I suppose that if we were young and pretty like many here are then people would be falling all over themselves trying to get their responses posted, but that's the way it seems to work here. I read your posts and think you are pretty nice, but there are so many to read and too much time gets wasted online anyway so I gloss over a lot. Hang in there hon, there is not any negatives about you that I can see, it's just something you're feeling and we all get those feelings at times.
Quote from: Shantel on July 07, 2014, 09:48:48 AM
Emily,
I don't respond to a lot of people's posts and a lot of people don't respond to mine either, it doesn't mean that they aren't being read and that people aren't agreeing with the comments. I suppose that if we were young and pretty like many here are then people would be falling all over themselves trying to get their responses posted, but that's the way it seems to work here. I read your posts and think you are pretty nice, but there are so many to read and too much time gets wasted online anyway so I gloss over a lot. Hang in there hon, there is not any negatives about you that I can see, it's just something you're feeling and we all get those feelings at times.
What zie said! I always read you Emily, but I don't respond to most of what I read. This is a rare "me too" post, but I think it's warranted.
Today, waking up disphoric, feeling like this is all too much work, and then reading some ancient stuff on the research area of this site made me extremely unhappy. Those articles either need to be updated or at least labeled better. I'm sure much of it has been overturned. One of the articles referenced DSM III r!
Feeling better after a long soak, no commiseration necessary.
Putting on 2lbs :( Probably due to snaffling up a ton of take out and beige food over the weekend! A miserable week of salad coming up. Boo!
Ugh I have so much work to do. -_- I hope it doesn't take as long as I am dreading...
The possibility of getting sued or fired because some kid said he "felt like he broke a rib" while doing the bungee jump thing I operate and the grandmother noted the incident. She said nothing should come out of it, but 'just in case". I'd like the mention that he kid seemed just fine of there and was flipping and happy like any other kid. He never expressed any discomfort either.
Quote from: Shantel on July 07, 2014, 09:48:48 AM
Emily,
I don't respond to a lot of people's posts and a lot of people don't respond to mine either, it doesn't mean that they aren't being read and that people aren't agreeing with the comments. I suppose that if we were young and pretty like many here are then people would be falling all over themselves trying to get their responses posted, but that's the way it seems to work here. I read your posts and think you are pretty nice, but there are so many to read and too much time gets wasted online anyway so I gloss over a lot. Hang in there hon, there is not any negatives about you that I can see, it's just something you're feeling and we all get those feelings at times.
Thanks Shantel I agree with your point of view in regards to those of us that aren't as pretty at the younger girls on here I always read your posts as well and think that your a down to earth caring woman I thank you for your reply.
Quote from: Dee Walker on July 07, 2014, 10:14:53 AM
What zie said! I always read you Emily, but I don't respond to most of what I read. This is a rare "me too" post, but I think it's warranted.
Today, waking up disphoric, feeling like this is all too much work, and then reading some ancient stuff on the research area of this site made me extremely unhappy. Those articles either need to be updated or at least labeled better. I'm sure much of it has been overturned. One of the articles referenced DSM III r!
Feeling better after a long soak, no commiseration necessary.
Thank you for your comments Dee I am glad that your feeling better.
Quote from: Shantel on July 07, 2014, 09:48:48 AM
Emily,
I don't respond to a lot of people's posts and a lot of people don't respond to mine either, it doesn't mean that they aren't being read and that people aren't agreeing with the comments. I suppose that if we were young and pretty like many here are then people would be falling all over themselves trying to get their responses posted, but that's the way it seems to work here. I read your posts and think you are pretty nice, but there are so many to read and too much time gets wasted online anyway so I gloss over a lot. Hang in there hon, there is not any negatives about you that I can see, it's just something you're feeling and we all get those feelings at times.
That explains why I generally get ignored.
Quote from: Shantel on July 07, 2014, 09:48:48 AM
Emily,
I don't respond to a lot of people's posts and a lot of people don't respond to mine either, it doesn't mean that they aren't being read and that people aren't agreeing with the comments. I suppose that if we were young and pretty like many here are then people would be falling all over themselves trying to get their responses posted, but that's the way it seems to work here. I read your posts and think you are pretty nice, but there are so many to read and too much time gets wasted online anyway so I gloss over a lot. Hang in there hon, there is not any negatives about you that I can see, it's just something you're feeling and we all get those feelings at times.
I feel partially responsible for that. I will not let posts go unnoticed!
Quote from: the old gray mare on July 07, 2014, 08:11:55 PM
That explains why I generally get ignored.
When you're being ignored you can just chalk it up to ignor-ance!
Quote from: Shantel on July 07, 2014, 08:15:40 PM
When you're being ignored you can just chalk it up to ignorance!
Or the fact that I'm bland and uninteresting at best and annoying at worst.
Quote from: the old gray mare on July 07, 2014, 08:16:41 PM
Or the fact that I'm bland and uninteresting at best and annoying at worst.
Not in my book Sweet Pea!
Quote from: the old gray mare on July 07, 2014, 08:16:41 PM
Or the fact that I'm bland and uninteresting at best and annoying at worst.
I would say that everyone has their own good qualities us older girls just live our lives a bit quieter than the younger girls that doesn't make us uninteresting.
Quote from: Emily.T on July 07, 2014, 09:23:24 PM
I wouldn't say that everyone has their own good qualities us older girls just live our lives a bit quieter than the younger girls that doesn't make us uninteresting.
Who are you calling old? :P
Quote from: the old gray mare on July 07, 2014, 09:31:20 PM
Who are you calling old? :P
By older I just meant us girls over 35 which I assumed you were by your posts no offence intended :D
Seeing a dead bird made me grizzle today :( Silly hormones... I'm still well out of balance post-op!
Brought an ice cream cone and it was mediocre tasting. What a waste of money.
That @*&^%@!! thing.
Courthouse here doesn't take cards, only cash and check. Should have known, but wasn't sure sine the website just said "fee," so I ended up having way not enough cash with me and I'll have to go back tomorrow. One day isn't a terrible setback.
I have multiple burst disc's and I have to have surgery, which I'm scheduled for the 18th, and I had a similar surgery in December, not looking forward to being bed bound for 3 weeks straight............. again :(
Mother keeps hounding me about my missing yearbook picture for the college yearbook and keeps telling me to return the one I have. It's funny because she doesn't realize that when I start HRT, I don't even want to see pictures of me before the transition and I will cut them out if I have to.
Quote from: Blue Senpai on July 09, 2014, 08:16:04 AM
Mother keeps hounding me about my missing yearbook picture for the college yearbook and keeps telling me to return the one I have. It's funny because she doesn't realize that when I start HRT, I don't even want to see pictures of me before the transition and I will cut them out if I have to.
I think it's nice to keep them, they give you perspective on how far you've come when the mirror doesn't ;)
This entire healthcare revamp is one big pain in the ass. I was kicked off of my previous health insurance plan and placed on Medicaid. Whoopee! ::) I no longer have to pay a monthly bill. (Which was manageable from a financial standpoint), but now I have to pay these stupid co pays and I have no idea if certain things are covered or not, and I have to find out how how much the co pays are. My meds get filled at different times of the month, so this could be a big pain in the ass. Paying a monthly bill and having my meds covered was a LOT easier.
Turns out I have been getting cap from customers about my transition, according to a coworker. She promised though she wouldn't stand for it when we work together. Thanks, Britt.
My mother brought to light the subject of how I have been dressing as of late. She says that I'm pretty, but by wearing boy clothes I make myself look bad. I told her that I like dressing like that quite often, and she said she finds it 'weird'. For someone who claims to care so much about my happiness, I find it absurd and gross that she's being so judgemental about my identity. I'm not sure if it's because she hoped to have a daughter instead of the gender-fluctuating offspring she got, or because she simply doesn't understand me. Anyway, I'm pretty bummed out now. My brother wasn't much of a help, either.
I got tired and fell asleep. It would have been great if I could have stayed up an extra few hours and just adjusted my sleeping patterns, but meh...now I have a lot of work to do. I basically don't have any free days anymore. And all I want to do is spend my nights messing about, but I'm either too tired or have to keep working on school so I don't get to have fun.
Dropped a can on my foot and it hurts
Quote from: Laura Squirrel on July 09, 2014, 12:28:53 PM
This entire healthcare revamp is one big pain in the ass. I was kicked off of my previous health insurance plan and placed on Medicaid. Whoopee! ::) I no longer have to pay a monthly bill. (Which was manageable from a financial standpoint), but now I have to pay these stupid co pays and I have no idea if certain things are covered or not, and I have to find out how how much the co pays are. My meds get filled at different times of the month, so this could be a big pain in the ass. Paying a monthly bill and having my meds covered was a LOT easier.
I bet you voted for him not knowing what change he was promising.
I guess my grandpa's cancer treatments didn't work. So soon they're going to have to discuss whether he wants to try chemo, surgery (meaning he would have no bladder anymore), or...nothing. Unfortunately I think it's going to be nothing, which gives him about 3-4 months.
Situations like this are hard for me because I feel sad, but I feel like I should be sadder than I am. I have a really hard time articulating my feelings about death.
Might have to start researching conceal carry laws for the area, with what I've found out today.
Quote from: birkin on July 10, 2014, 12:07:14 AM
I guess my grandpa's cancer treatments didn't work. So soon they're going to have to discuss whether he wants to try chemo, surgery (meaning he would have no bladder anymore), or...nothing. Unfortunately I think it's going to be nothing, which gives him about 3-4 months.
Situations like this are hard for me because I feel sad, but I feel like I should be sadder than I am. I have a really hard time articulating my feelings about death.
Sorry to see this, I've know a handful of people who had cancer, my bf's mother, and grandfather had it, she passed away last year, not because of the cancer but because she go sick after the cancer, and then his grandma got sick ND they found out he cancer, they gave him six months and he made it 1 week. It was hard to see someone love to go through that, I felt helpless to ease his pain :( big hugs Birkin ~
Seeing that thing between my legs.
The newspaper has to copy the notice from the court word for word. The notice includes my address. With a threat on my life, I don't want to put that on there. I have to go to the police and inform them, get a PO box, go back to the courthouse and ask them to change the document, go back to the newspaper, all on weekdays 9-5 by Monday morning at 10. I've work in 10 minutes and fill plans for tomorrow. I'm scared, I don't want to go to work, just go hide in the basement.
Dragonball The Battle of the Gods is coming to select theaters. The theaters we have aren't playing it. :/
A trivial complaint in light of some people's problems... but ye gods, my acne has been hurting this week. And of course it will decide to break out spectacularly just in time for Pride. :(
Been feeling tired and taking small naps all day
OK, here's a real one: I've just spectacularly failed a hearing test, and it looks like I'm going to need to spend a couple of grand on hearing aids if I don't want to spend the rest of my life lip-reading. :(
Something that brought to mind the odd feelings of abandonment wrought upon me by my family :-\
Dysphoria.
Thinking about next time me and my bf hang out and wondering what we're going to do.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on July 11, 2014, 06:39:54 AM
OK, here's a real one: I've just spectacularly failed a hearing test, and it looks like I'm going to need to spend a couple of grand on hearing aids if I don't want to spend the rest of my life lip-reading. :(
It will probably be more like 5 or 6 thousand.
Ugh...I'll be happy when I get the money but I honestly don't want to work all weekend. I'm tired and want (and need, in some cases) to do other things.
hate my body so much today.
Trying to make endo's office communicate with surgeon's office all day long when both sides were out to lunch, both literally and figuratively. So if the surgeon doesn't get everything that he wants from the endo's office by Monday noon (and I have no idea exactly what that is...), my surgery doesn't happen on schedule, possibly for months.
Quote from: Jill F on July 11, 2014, 08:49:12 PM
Trying to make endo's office communicate with surgeon's office all day long when both sides were out to lunch, both literally and figuratively. So if the surgeon doesn't get everything that he wants from the endo's office by Monday noon (and I have no idea exactly what that is...), my surgery doesn't happen on schedule, possibly for months.
That sucks. Well, hopefully it pans out for you. :icon_hug:
One of my friends is stuck in a marriage where she isn't really being treated with the respect that she deserves. Problem is, she has a lot of cultural factors working against her and she has a child with this guy.
She isn't being physically abused or anything (as far as I know), so that makes me feel better, but I worry about her for a lot of reasons.
Quote from: King Malachite on July 10, 2014, 10:42:23 PM
Dragonball The Battle of the Gods is coming to select theaters. The theaters we have aren't playing it. :/
I know how you feel. :( I checked the web site for around my area and none are close enough for me to get too. Figures, every time an anime movie comes to the US theaters, I end up missing it due to SOMETHING or another. (Missed the Yu-gi-oh! 5D's movie years ago too, thanks to a mix up on the theater's part) I NEVER get to go to the theaters! :( The only good news here for both of us is, it will be released both online and eventually DvD too.
Car won't start, again.
I just heard that yet another person I knew in high school recently died of a heroin overdose.
At this point I've f***ing lost count of how many people I knew that went out like this. This is getting old, and I don't like getting used to it.
Quote from: Jill F on July 12, 2014, 11:34:29 PM
I just heard that yet another person I knew in high school recently died of a heroin overdose.
At this point I've f***ing lost count of how many people I knew that went out like this. This is getting old, and I don't like getting used to it.
One of the big reasons I've moved from time to time, got tired of the tweekers, junkies and dead friends :'( It hurts every time, even kinda pisses me off
My mother told me that I could be kicked out anytime and that my dad could ask her for a divorce. I still having trouble finding a goddamn job so I can start saving up to get out of here, it's killing me and I'm slowly running myself down with negative thoughts about it. Not going to the gym over a month since my membership won't be valid until the 21st isn't helping since that was the only way I can kill the stress.
Quote from: Blue Senpai on July 14, 2014, 04:06:43 PM
My mother told me that I could be kicked out anytime and that my dad could ask her for a divorce. I still having trouble finding a job so I can start saving up to get out of here, it's killing me and I'm slowly running myself down with negative thoughts about it. Not going to the gym over a month since my membership won't be valid until the 21st isn't helping since that was the only way I can kill the stress.
I don't know why your mom is saying you could be kicked out or that your dad could divorce her but, I will say, hang in there! As for the stress, I found that walking for an hr REALLY helped me get the stress off and if not for that walking, I'd have gone mad. So, I suggest you try walking for at least 15 mins, 30 if you walk normally throughout the day and an hr if you're used to walking. It will help some. I'm sorry you're having a difficult time and hope it all works out but please don't give up.
Quote from: Shana-chan on July 14, 2014, 07:05:35 PM
I don't know why your mom is saying you could be kicked out or that your dad could divorce her but, I will say, hang in there! As for the stress, I found that walking for an hr REALLY helped me get the stress off and if not for that walking, I'd have gone mad. So, I suggest you try walking for at least 15 mins, 30 if you walk normally throughout the day and an hr if you're used to walking. It will help some. I'm sorry you're having a difficult time and hope it all works out but please don't give up.
My mom just made the day much worse.
So she comes home from work, we greet each other and asks if dad is home. I tell her he just got home and the. asked if I looked for jobs on Craigslist. Then she goes to the bathroom and then calls me to come over to show me a little stain on the toilet. I understand that I should've cleaned it up before leaving but she didn't have to fly in a rage, start going to look for any reason or tiny flaw to be mad at such as my drawers being a little disorganized. She comes into my room and dumps all the clothes from the first two drawers and tells me to out them neat and then tells me to shut off the Internet and that I can't use it tomorrow.
She then proceeds to go on about the Internet being the root of all my problems, how useless I am, how i cant find a job (been looking through Craigslist and Indeed) and that playing games is stupid when the reality is that the Internet is the only thing really keeping me alive and somewhat kicking. I can't talk to my family because they get easily impatient and start yelling as if I annoyed them. Looks like I'm going to have to change my last name in the future too...
I that I'm 143 on the scale today. I know the BMI is full of crap, but I can't help but to think of numbers and how I'm way off than I should be...I'm slipping back to being close to 163 again and it sucks. I'm becoming too self-loathy to do anything beneficial for me, besides badger myself about how much of a lazy load I am and now I need to question if everything I'm putting in my face is out of actual hunger or my emotions are getting the better of me; as I was a huge emotional eater as a kid.
Here come the demons telling me I'm a fat ->-bleeped-<- again.
Quote from: Blue Senpai on July 14, 2014, 07:51:45 PM
I can't talk to my family because they get easily impatient and start yelling as if I annoyed them. Looks like I'm going to have to change my last name in the future too...
I'm so sorry your family is like that. I am constantly yelled at whenever I open my mouth in my house, so I can relate in a way. My only advice is to try and keep a bit of distance from the sources of your stress if there is no way to stop it. What I do is just live my life as 'normally' as possible, and try to avoid any unnecessary fighting at home. It doesn't always work out, but it's a bit easier now. I wish you the very best.
:icon_no: Nero :icon_cry: :icon_cry2:
Quote from: Daydreamer on July 14, 2014, 09:40:58 PMI that I'm 143 on the scale today. I know the BMI is full of crap, but I can't help but to think of numbers and how I'm way off than I should be...I'm slipping back to being close to 163 again and it sucks. I'm becoming too self-loathy to do anything beneficial for me, besides badger myself about how much of a lazy load I am and now I need to question if everything I'm putting in my face is out of actual hunger or my emotions are getting the better of me; as I was a huge emotional eater as a kid.
Here come the demons telling me I'm a fat <not allowed> again.
BMI has some merits, for those who are of average build. If you're muscular, or built like a stick, it doesn't work.
When I got locked up in the looney bin, I weighed 148.7 pounds. That made my BMI 18.6. They tried to slap me with an eating disorder. Not only am I built like a stick, I also couldn't afford to eat much. I managed to talk them out of that.
I don't mean to make you feel bad or anything, but my weight is going loopy right now anyways. I bought a pair of size 6 jeggings only two or three weeks ago, and, after eating my grandmother's cooking (which is fattening on its own if you don't include how much you have to eat and how many of the cookies, cakes, etc. that she buys and bakes "just for you" and is offended if you don't eat them all) for nearly a month now I weighed in at 155 (only 4 pounds more than being released from the looney bin, the 20th of last month) and somehow I struggle to get them over my butt now, and they're too big around. I'm like a size 4 now. But I do notice higher up that I do still have belly fat, but not on my waistline.
tl;dr, fat is weird.
Quote from: Shana-chan on July 11, 2014, 11:01:32 PM
I know how you feel. :( I checked the web site for around my area and none are close enough for me to get too. Figures, every time an anime movie comes to the US theaters, I end up missing it due to SOMETHING or another. (Missed the Yu-gi-oh! 5D's movie years ago too, thanks to a mix up on the theater's part) I NEVER get to go to the theaters! :( The only good news here for both of us is, it will be released both online and eventually DvD too.
That's horrible! Sadly, by the time it's released on Youtube for free, I probably won't be interested, lol.
My mom threw my bottle of water away when I was trying to get the ice to melt. :(
I want a pussy with good vaginal depth :(
I started thinking about my thesis and I had a panic attack. -_- Only a month away from completion and I still imagine how free I would feel if I just gave up on it. But I am so close, it would be the most horrible, stupid waste imaginable if I quit lol. I honestly may as well keep plugging away at it and I'll have that same sense of freedom when it's done, just without the regret haha.
Quote from: birkin on July 15, 2014, 11:45:30 AM
I started thinking about my thesis and I had a panic attack. -_- Only a month away from completion and I still imagine how free I would feel if I just gave up on it. But I am so close, it would be the most horrible, stupid waste imaginable if I quit lol. I honestly may as well keep plugging away at it and I'll have that same sense of freedom when it's done, just without the regret haha.
Get on it, keep plugging! "No amount of guilt can solve the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future."
Quote from: Shantel on July 15, 2014, 12:04:02 PM
Get on it, keep plugging! "No amount of guilt can solve the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future."
Right as usual Shan. :) I'm slowly making the last bits of progress. I can't believe what a long project this has been. =/ Fack.
Quote from: birkin on July 15, 2014, 12:14:58 PM
Right as usual Shan. :) I'm slowly making the last bits of progress. I can't believe what a long project this has been. =/ Fack.
I'm gonna be a proud Auntie hon!
Proud and happy that I finally have this damn thing done? ;)
Just wait until I have my chest fixed. It was you who convinced me to finally go see the Dr for a consult, now I have a file there, a quote, and a plan.
I've been a bit unhappy today. Actually, I've been very stressed out for every reason possible. I was trying to draw today (I try to draw every day) and that was affecting me. I just got too frustrated and ripped out the pages I was working on, then threw them out. I don't think drawing is going to happen today. I'll just listen to music instead.
Quote from: birkin on July 15, 2014, 12:59:44 PM
Proud and happy that I finally have this damn thing done? ;)
Just wait until I have my chest fixed. It was you who convinced me to finally go see the Dr for a consult, now I have a file there, a quote, and a plan.
That's my boy!
Came to an job open house at 3:30 PM but they said they finished and it started 11:30 AM despite what was written on Craigslist. WHAT?!
Hearing at work today how a co-worker is pregnant. :( I can't GET pregnant, would everyone in my life (besides me sis that is) just F'N stop bringing this damned topic up! :'(
I'd forgotten the above till I came on here and read how others are transitioning, some getting SRS and then some and, while I'm happy for them, it saddens me knowing it won't happen to me anytime soon if it ever does. :( It also reminded me of the above. :( I just feel, left behind, I'm pre everything, minus some accomplishments I've done such as, always wearing female clothing including dress, skirts, lip stick and so on but typically the clothes are gender neutral appearance wise. I just wish I knew WHEN itll be my time.. :( Sadly with my low paying job, and the circumstances, it won't happen anywhere near before I'm 30 and I want to live life as a woman starting at age 30 if not before then. :(
OH YEA! I forgot something else too, in addition to ->-bleeped-<- that happened to me this last week where my work took advantage of me, I got hurt at work too (Still recovering) Luckily I didn't lose too much and hope I don't but still the icing on the cake or should I say wedding cake is that my Dad told me there's a good chance someone in my family (Being my sis) could get married (I was aware of this) and how he's paying for it, "I" have to think of others so, if I want to come it's as a male, in male clothing. I'm sick of this ->-bleeped-<-! I'm going to try calling my sis again, that may make things worse for me or better, I don't know. :( (We haven't spoken in months, only 2 emails which were good ones)
Another negative moment for the economy!
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Microsoft announces biggest layoff in history
Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella said the company is cutting 18,000 jobs
Quote from: Shantel on July 17, 2014, 09:02:29 AM
Another negative moment for the economy!
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Microsoft announces biggest layoff in history
Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella said the company is cutting 18,000 jobs
OUCH.
Mother kept telling me about how Dad might surprise us by kicking us out of the house at any time so it's important I find myself a job. She's really not helping the situation by constantly repeating that and proceeds to tell me to look for good jobs because I graduated with a BA. Well, considering I have no experience, I should be open to taking any job because having a degree doesn't guarantee me nor does it entitle me to a good paying job and she scoffed at the idea of working as a dishwasher. I don't see why not, I'm going insane all cooped up at home with her harassing me and the money I would earn is better than not earning a thing. I would also get to see and hear my parents much less which is a big plus.
Quote from: Blue Senpai on July 17, 2014, 09:19:06 AM
OUCH.
Mother kept telling me about how Dad might surprise us by kicking us out of the house at any time so it's important I find myself a job. She's really not helping the situation by constantly repeating that and proceeds to tell me to look for good jobs because I graduated with a BA. Well, considering I have no experience, I should be open to taking any job because having a degree doesn't guarantee me nor does it entitle me to a good paying job and she scoffed at the idea of working as a dishwasher. I don't see why not, I'm going insane all cooped up at home with her harassing me and the money I would earn is better than not earning a thing. I would also get to see and hear my parents much less which is a big plus.
Sometimes it's best to take what you can get while keeping your feelers out for something better later. HR people tend to look closer at people who are already working rather than at those who are sitting at home doing nothing because couch potatoes don't show any initiative.
Quote from: Shantel on July 17, 2014, 11:08:27 AM
Sometimes it's best to take what you can get while keeping your feelers out for something better later. HR people tend to look closer at people who are already working rather than at those who are sitting at home doing nothing because couch potatoes don't show any initiative.
Yes, I hear you. It's hard when you get excited for finding entry-level positions only to find out that they require 1-3 years of experience.
Quote from: Blue Senpai on July 17, 2014, 11:34:11 AM
Yes, I hear you. It's hard when you get excited for finding entry-level positions only to find out that they require 1-3 years of experience.
The question one should ask is, "How does one get 1 - 3 years experience and remain at entry level?" Perhaps the one posting the opening will see what an asinine requirement it is, as if they are looking for a mediocre clock puncher for an employee. Your questioning it might tell some HR person that you can think outside the box, that is if they aren't brain dead themselves.
I am at the point where I don't bind anymore but I think I have to for this appointment I have because the doctor is...questionable in her views.
Ok well I don't HAVE to. I just think I would prefer to. Oh well off I go. No rest for the wicked lol.
Out of Med's :/ I never really plan the whole mail order thing right but it was time for my yearly check up and a new script. Called and checked order status $20.00 to rush the shipment to like 3 day service......no thank you. Just bitchin
Johnny Winter died.
LAAAAME!!!
Quote from: Jill F on July 17, 2014, 01:25:44 PM
Johnny Winter died.
LAAAAME!!!
Really?!?! Dang :(
<-- suddenly feeling old....
I need someone to take a scalpel to my vocal chords.
I don't know why I even try to present as female anymore if my rough voice can't match my delicate face.
I thought it was good enough, but it's not working.
The classic car magazine I usually read in the shop was sealed up to stop skinflints like me reading about the Plymouth Roadrunner.
I lost my wallet and I can't find it in either of the places I've been.
Think the world is going to hell. Freaking plane being shot out of the sky, nothing but bad news on the tv :(
Quote from: MyKa on July 17, 2014, 09:29:53 PM
Think the world is going to hell. Freaking plane being shot out of the sky, nothing but bad news on the tv :(
This. I should stay off social media too you see the worst of people, but I'm looking for safe spaces to connect with trans/disabled people.
The ending to Burial at Sea: Episode 2. It's a nice way of tying up the Bioshock series, but the ending makes me feel very sad.
I probably could have lied about not having other names. Oh well.
My Baloobius doesn't seem to be working. This sucks.
I can't sleep and for whatever reason I am wound up now. I was asked to track my anxiety for therapy, like what precedes it, what I do when I catch it, etc....but I can't really pinpoint this one. *sigh* I'm glad that despite all this I am a functional, useful human being, but it's tiring to feel wound up for no reason sometimes.
leaving a very warm and comfortable bed on a particularly cold morning
My leg still being injured for nearly a week now, and now swelling that feels like it's from fluids. Going to have to see a doc by Monday because work said I had to watch I am fine with, just, so worried that it's more than just a sprain.. :( Doesn't help my work handled the whole situation wrong.
Oh and, losing 9 hrs this week, which =$65.25 lost and a frown too :( (Not to mention no idea how this'll effect my hrs for the next few weeks, especially the next week)
Feeling alone and rejected. Spouse seems so distant and unresponsive lately.
Quote from: Aisla on July 18, 2014, 10:41:40 PM
leaving a very warm and comfortable bed on a particularly cold morning
I know right. Ugh. I'm probably going to fall asleep immediately after work.
Sweety tried to start one of those "you're wrong because you're male" type arguments. Finally, that doesn't work because I realized...
I'm not.
Went out to visit my brother at his place where we eat lunch with my dad bi-weekly. That was fun and pleasant and I did managed to talk about how my transition is coming
I dressed more femme today than I have done so far these 3 months HRT. It was a hot summer day there were plenty of people around and about wherever
Both my trip to his place and back home started well but I just start obsessing about passing/being clocked the more people I have to walk by or sit with. I want to check to know if they look at me in a piercing and searching way but I tend to get to tense to do that as the day goes on
Anyway, came home with mixed feelings and chatted a bit about it with my brother. He said sees me as me and not really as a woman or man and said I am just forcing myself into anxiety all the time . He's supportive and we're close but I always get frustrated when talking with him
I am obsessive when it comes to passing, dont accept my male-bodied history and my mother's switch from accepting to rejection I can't cope with it everyday
HRT has made me feel alive the past 3 months but I broke down tonight and cried for the first time in 10 years.
I am calmer now but I fear it just wil never go away, I end up have everything I daydream about and end up writing a suicide note 5 years from now while life seemed perfect to all my friends and family and I withered away in obsession and guilt
I've always hated my sensitivity, my androgynous body features. I feel liked a failed male and a failed female in one body
Sorry for the rant
Quote from: YinYanga on July 19, 2014, 06:10:50 PM
Went out to visit my brother at his place where we eat lunch with my dad bi-weekly. That was fun and pleasant and I did managed to talk about how my transition is coming
I dressed more femme today than I have done so far these 3 months HRT. It was a hot summer day there were plenty of people around and about wherever
Both my trip to his place and back home started well but I just start obsessing about passing/being clocked the more people I have to walk by or sit with. I want to check to know if they look at me in a piercing and searching way but I tend to get to tense to do that as the day goes on
Anyway, came home with mixed feelings and chatted a bit about it with my brother. He said sees me as me and not really as a woman or man and said I am just forcing myself into anxiety all the time . He's supportive and we're close but I always get frustrated when talking with him
I am obsessive when it comes to passing, dont accept my male-bodied history and my mother's switch from accepting to rejection I can't cope with it everyday
HRT has made me feel alive the past 3 months but I broke down tonight and cried for the first time in 10 years.
I am calmer now but I fear it just wil never go away, I end up have everything I daydream about and end up writing a suicide note 5 years from now while life seemed perfect to all my friends and family and I withered away in obsession and guilt
I've always hated my sensitivity, my androgynous body features. I feel liked a failed male and a failed female in one body
Sorry for the rant
It's ok hon, we all get you!
Mother and brother scoffed at the idea of working at a fast food joint for my first job, saying that that experience is useless if you want to work in a an office later down the road.
Quote from: Blue Senpai on July 19, 2014, 07:49:33 PM
Mother and brother scoffed at the idea of working at a fast food joint for my first job, saying that that experience is useless if you want to work in a an office later down the road.
Having been an employer I can assure you that they're wrong. If you wait around for the perfect job to come along you will be trumped by the HR people or manager who will question what you sat around on your ass for and did nothing rather than at least have the initiative to take on a lesser job for the time being. They will be prone to pass you over for someone who shows more initiative.
Quote from: Shantel on July 19, 2014, 08:14:08 PM
Having been an employer I can assure you that they're wrong. If you wait around for the perfect job to come along you will be trumped by the HR people or manager who will question what you sat around on your ass for and did nothing rather than at least have the initiative to take on a lesser job for the time being. They will be prone to pass you over for someone who shows more initiative.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking but they made me second guess myself in saying such things.
I can't afford to be picky anyways having no actual work experience anyways.
Would it be bad if I just omit having a Bachelor's degree on my resume for places like McDonald's, Starbucks, etc?
Quote from: Blue Senpai on July 19, 2014, 08:26:48 PM
Yeah, that's what I was thinking but they made me second guess myself in saying such things.
I can't afford to be picky anyways having no actual work experience anyways.
Would it be bad if I just omit having a Bachelor's degree on my resume for places like McDonald's, Starbucks, etc?
If you say you have it, and show any initiative at all, they'll start talking management. I worked in a Denny's one summer while going to Columbia University. They tried to talk me into a business major. I said, "why would I get an Ivy League degree to manage a Denny's?"
Quote from: Blue Senpai on July 19, 2014, 07:49:33 PM
Mother and brother scoffed at the idea of working at a fast food joint for my first job, saying that that experience is useless if you want to work in a an office later down the road.
Any experience is good it doesn't matter what field it can show that you can keep a job and work with others well so if you want to get a job in fast food go for it Hun .
Quote from: Blue Senpai on July 19, 2014, 08:26:48 PM
Yeah, that's what I was thinking but they made me second guess myself in saying such things.
I can't afford to be picky anyways having no actual work experience anyways.
Would it be bad if I just omit having a Bachelor's degree on my resume for places like McDonald's, Starbucks, etc?
I wouldn't omit it because it's evidence that you can start something and follow it through to the finish which is a valuable trait any employer would appreciate.
Quote from: Shantel on July 20, 2014, 09:23:02 AM
I wouldn't omit it because it's evidence that you can start something and follow it through to the finish which is a valuable trait any employer would appreciate.
It's hurting my chances because I'm overqualified for most entry level jobs.
Quote from: Emily.T on July 19, 2014, 11:58:40 PM
Any experience is good it doesn't matter what field it can show that you can keep a job and work with others well so if you want to get a job in fast food go for it Hun .
I do because I can work my way up but my mother is thinking of getting my brother to write a letter saying that I helped him out with working as a medical receptionist and that I know how to do it. Needless to say, most of what the letter would entail would be lying and my mom is willing to teach me how to do the job so it doesn't look that way but the fact remains is that if I get the job, I'm not going to look like I've been doing it for a year before.
A few weeks ago I told my best friend and neighboor that I am trans and that I am transitioning.
His reaction was not very good and since then we lost a lot of contact. Since that day we only talk using whatsapp and there are days where we talk almost as before, but there are days where we argue a lot. He just says he can't be my friend now because I being a girl changes everything...I really can't agree with him. I am the same person he met, just with a different presentation.
Then he invited me today to go with him to a local comix store and I got happy, thinking that he was going over it...but as soon as he saw my "new hair" (I had it styled last week) he changed his mind and decided to go alone to the store...
Quote from: Natalia on July 20, 2014, 12:41:23 PM
A few weeks ago I told my best friend and neighboor that I am trans and that I am transitioning.
His reaction was not very good and since then we lost a lot of contact. Since that day we only talk using whatsapp and there are days where we talk almost as before, but there are days where we argue a lot. He just says he can't be my friend now because I being a girl changes everything...I really can't agree with him. I am the same person he met, just with a different presentation.
Then he invited me today to go with him to a local comix store and I got happy, thinking that he was going over it...but as soon as he saw my "new hair" (I had it styled last week) he changed his mind and decided to go alone to the store...
Ughh, painful to be rejected like that, pretty rude from his part too: you make a date and regardless of your arguments you either cancel it beforehand or just don't....very weak that he did that
Anything, everything and nothing. Also more and more leaning towards trying starving myself again.
Quote from: Blue Senpai on July 20, 2014, 09:29:26 AM
It's hurting my chances because I'm overqualified for most entry level jobs.
I do because I can work my way up but my mother is thinking of getting my brother to write a letter saying that I helped him out with working as a medical receptionist and that I know how to do it. Needless to say, most of what the letter would entail would be lying and my mom is willing to teach me how to do the job so it doesn't look that way but the fact remains is that if I get the job, I'm not going to look like I've been doing it for a year before.
That is the only problem with lying on a resume most ppl do it but you can get caught out if you can't actually do what you have said you can do
Waking up.
Quote from: Emily.T on July 22, 2014, 05:36:00 AM
That is the only problem with lying on a resume most ppl do it but you can get caught out if you can't actually do what you have said you can do
Yes, that's what I was afraid of happening. :(
THIS made me very unhappy today. (Major understatement!) https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=169850.new#new
Just to be clear the link should take you to the opening post.
My leg is acting up again. It is a good thing that canes don't care if you ignore them at times.
Quote from: LordKAT on July 23, 2014, 03:13:47 AM
My leg is acting up again. It is a good thing that canes don't care if you ignore them at times.
I had to hobble along with a cane several years ago until I got my knee replaced with a peachy keen titanium unit. What's going on with your leg Kat?
I'm an f-ing idiot and everything is going to fall to pieces.
Quote from: Shana-chan on July 22, 2014, 07:22:08 PM
THIS made me very unhappy today. (Major understatement!) https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=169850.new#new
Just to be clear the link should take you to the opening post.
I'm really sorry about how your dad doesn't seem to get it and emphasizes his nonacceptance like that. :(
today just generally sucked. not in the sense that something truly horrible happened just in the ... locked myself out of the house/car troubles and major expense/pain flare/insanity at work sense.
I had to go pawn one of my favorite gold bracelets today. I'm so tired of being so broke. I hope this rain lets up soon so I'll get some work.
Allie :icon_flower:
Boss got onto me today
Quote from: Allyda on July 23, 2014, 08:53:29 PM
I had to go pawn one of my favorite gold bracelets today. I'm so tired of being so broke. I hope this rain lets up soon so I'll get some work.
Allie :icon_flower:
*fingers crossed* LEtting go of your favourite pieces , wouldnt want that (especially because you usually cant get them back)
Quote from: Neospector on July 23, 2014, 08:30:51 PM
I'm really sorry about how your dad doesn't seem to get it and emphasizes his nonacceptance like that. :(
Thanks, he did seem to have a reaction at the time to how I was reacting in the car so that is a small sign of good news but, I still don't believe he'll change that easily. I am hoping. Anyway, since I realize his reaction he had, I'll post it in that thread in a bit.
A close friend now hates me for seemingly no reason; then a mutual friend said it was over a boy. My perfect man. And I have to let him go. They're better off together. He's concerned about our age gap (8 years isn't huge in my opinion, but in his it is) and that won't be a problem with her. Give up the perfect man, or lose a friend.
I'm going to have to give in, like I do every time. I'm tired of being pushed over, but it's the right thing to do.
Quote from: Edge on July 23, 2014, 08:14:43 PM
I'm an f-ing idiot and everything is going to fall to pieces.
What happened?
My monthly gift came in. :'(
Minor compared to everyone else's problems, but my jaw has been clicky for days and I would like it to stop.
Still broke -no work. Hope it picks up soon.
Allie :icon_flower:
Quote from: Allyda on July 24, 2014, 11:53:37 PM
Still broke -no work. Hope it picks up soon.
Allie :icon_flower:
You and me both. :-\
Working with someone I really don't like today.
Quote from: Felix on July 24, 2014, 11:44:03 PM
Minor compared to everyone else's problems, but my jaw has been clicky for days and I would like it to stop.
Yeah, I'm having the same problem with my jaw right now. I asked my orthodontist about it, but all she said was 'just try not to do it on purpose'. As if I'd want to!
Being naive and going out in boymode to do my groceries hoping someone would ma'am me.
Came home facepalming...ofcourse they sir'd me
Dumb move ^-^
Quote from: Jay27 on July 25, 2014, 09:21:44 AM
Yeah, I'm having the same problem with my jaw right now. I asked my orthodontist about it, but all she said was 'just try not to do it on purpose'. As if I'd want to!
I have TMJ and my jaw locks and clicks all the time. About 10 years ago I was at a punk show and someone kicked me in the face stagediving and knocked my jaw back into place. It lasted about a year. Best kick to the face at a punk show EVAR!!
I gotta go to town with little to no gas in order to pick up my E cause my pharmacy screwed up. Hope I don't get stranded.
Allie
Old injuries playing up again and feeling really tired the past couple of days
My grandmother passed away a few hours ago. And then I had a ->-bleeped-<-storm about what to wear from unaccepting parents. I got way pissed off when she told me to put some jeans.
Seriously, can't you have a bit of ducking respect and dress appropiately for a funeral. I have set it quite clear that although I won't be wearing a dress (He still wants me in boy mode), I'm following black suit and tie protocol. Just that the suit is female (not a big differerence, just fits me better that man suits) with a male shirt and shoes. I hope that for once he puts a suit and tie.
I'm so pissed off at my family that I don't have a lot of feelings regards the dead relative. I had accepted long ago that it was a matter of time and it was for the best as that was more close to suffering than living. Not sure if it can be related to me being suicidal most of the time and not having a lot of regrets.
Good luck with the funeral Julia, that will be tough event to sit through
I have a grandma with decaying health too and I get too see her in 1,5 month for her birthday. She might not even recognize me or be terribly be confused due to the progressing Alzheimers
Dreading the funeral aswell, although I have 2 open-minded liberal families that aren't too fuzzed
Quote from: YinYanga on July 25, 2014, 03:43:03 PM
Good luck with the funeral Julia, that will be tough event to sit through
Oh, and I forgot having to assist to church. God damn it.
Julia my heart is there with you. I'm very sorry to hear about your Grandmother. And more so to hear of how your family is treating you during this difficult time. Best of luck to you with the funeral and with dealing with the church. :icon_bunch:
Allie :icon_flower:
Panda Express just opened today, which means that I didn't get the job.
This isn't all bad news since here is some good news https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,161722.msg1482064.html#msg1482064
now to the bad news
My neighbor accidentally called me he while I was out as myself with my purse, female voice and lip stick on. This was at said fast food joint and I just tried to ignore it and act as if nothing was wrong, she of course stopped herself after saying he but, yeah.. good thing I don't at there too often..
In addition to that, maybe this is the med but, been feeling kind of down today, just haven't been feeling well and, certain things have triggered some depression for me in regards to me and transitioning. I wish I could be more happy with the trip to town and what all I bought/eat today but, I just can't, again thanks to depression and such but, trying to stay positive, I do think its the med which I'm not going to take after somewhat being informed by nurse and a different doc not to take it.
My laptop charger not arriving yet.
Someone I knew said about me, that I was a " desparate, pathetic unpassable gay guy" and afterward they said, "you're welcome."
Recently a woman who I thought a friend lost my number and was asking people if they had seen me. Her description "a man with epic boobs and hair like someone who gave up on life"
A trans person told me to give up, get my boobs cut off or just kill myself as I was wasting my time.
I have a file of hurts and slurs.
It's why I defend myself viciously.
Quote from: Wynternight on July 25, 2014, 11:19:57 AM
I have TMJ and my jaw locks and clicks all the time. About 10 years ago I was at a punk show and someone kicked me in the face stagediving and knocked my jaw back into place. It lasted about a year. Best kick to the face at a punk show EVAR!!
Haha how convenient. I wouldn't mind a kick in the face if it solved my problem, even for a little while. My jaw has been doing this on and off for the past year or so, and it's really annoying :-\
Quote from: StevieAK on July 25, 2014, 09:36:38 PM
Someone I knew said about me, that I was a " desparate, pathetic unpassable gay guy" and afterward they said, "your welcome."
Recently a woman who I thought a friend lost my number and was asking people if they had seen me. Her description "a man with epic boobs and hair like someone who gave up on life"
I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you.You don't need friends like these Stevie. A friend who can't or doesn't respect you isn't a friend.
Allie :icon_flower:
Quote from: StevieAK on July 25, 2014, 09:36:38 PM
Someone I knew said about me, that I was a " desparate, pathetic unpassable gay guy" and afterward they said, "your welcome."
Recently a woman who I thought a friend lost my number and was asking people if they had seen me. Her description "a man with epic boobs and hair like someone who gave up on life"
If I ever found that person on the street, I would kick her face in. >:(
Quote from: Allyda on July 25, 2014, 09:52:45 PM
I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you.You don't need friends like these Stevie. A friend who can't or doesn't respect you isn't a friend.
Allie :icon_flower:
I know they aren't friends. They pretend they are, hang with me as I'm kind of like the circus. Pretty fun to go see once but once you've seen the show....well how many elephants do you need to see.
Quote from: Neospector on July 25, 2014, 10:11:06 PM
If I ever found that person on the street, I would kick her face in. >:(
Back in the day...I may have felt that way. I've been in jail for stuff like that...I like me better now. What hurt is that I knew both of these people and not just passing comments. The guy was trying to get me to whatever and I wouldn't.
You look great by the way, congrats on your progress.
Thanks for your support.
Quote from: Neospector on July 25, 2014, 05:11:00 PM
Panda Express just opened today, which means that I didn't get the job.
Exciting then as better things await! I wish you success in the hunt.
Quote from: Neospector on July 19, 2014, 08:26:48 PM
Yeah, that's what I was thinking but they made me second guess myself in saying such things.
I can't afford to be picky anyways having no actual work experience anyways.
Would it be bad if I just omit having a Bachelor's degree on my resume for places like McDonald's, Starbucks, etc?
I hire alot of people and have for thirty years. The only draw back I'd have is I'd think " am I going to invest time and training on this guy and have him leave when something better comes along" tell the truth but give a commitment. Say I will stay at least this or that long, always give good notice, always be on time and never leave early. One may think they get away with stuff, they dont. Ive hired guys just because they never gave up and kept trying to get hired and i got sick of telling them no. Just my two cents.
Seems like you are really giving an effort, it will happen.
Quote from: StevieAK on July 25, 2014, 10:49:22 PM
I hire alot of people and have for thirty years. The only draw back I'd have is I'd think " am I going to invest time and training on this guy and have him leave when something better comes along" tell the truth but give a commitment. Say I will stay at least this or that long, always give good notice, always be on time and never leave early. One may think they get away with stuff, they dont. Ive hired guys just because they never gave up and kept trying to get hired and i got sick of telling them no. Just my two cents.
Seems like you are really giving an effort, it will happen.
I don't know, I feel like I don't know whether to omit the Bachelor's Degree or just saying I'm still in college. Maybe my interview skills just sucks and my answer for why I want the job isn't adequate enough.
Quote from: StevieAK on July 25, 2014, 09:36:38 PM
Someone I knew said about me, that I was a " desparate, pathetic unpassable gay guy" and afterward they said, "you're welcome."
Recently a woman who I thought a friend lost my number and was asking people if they had seen me. Her description "a man with epic boobs and hair like someone who gave up on life"
A trans person told me to give up, get my boobs cut off or just kill myself as I was wasting my time.
I have a file of hurts and slurs.
It's why I defend myself viciously.
I really hate people like that. That's beyond just discrimination. It's not just hating someone for a reason they disagree with, but treating them as if not a human for it. It really irritates me. Please don't ever think about believing it though. People like that will never go anywhere in life if all they can do is ruin others. But I know it's not true about you, and you should know that too, because those who can overcome it, are the ones that get better rewards.
Quote from: Neospector on July 25, 2014, 11:20:16 PM
I don't know, I feel like I don't know whether to omit the Bachelor's Degree or just saying I'm still in college. Maybe my interview skills just sucks and my answer for why I want the job isn't adequate enough.
Tell the truth so you can look them in the eye. Explain your financial needs, If I know someone needs the job I will choose them over someone that seems arrogant. I want to know the guy will be on my team and support my goals...Idk
I'd have to see you in action to see what if anything you are doing wrong.
Try and be confident and be yourself.
Quote from: Sam314 on July 26, 2014, 12:19:07 AM
I really hate people like that. That's beyond just discrimination. It's not just hating someone for a reason they disagree with, but treating them as if not a human for it. It really irritates me. Please don't ever think about believing it though. People like that will never go anywhere in life if all they can do is ruin others. But I know it's not true about you, and you should know that too, because those who can overcome it, are the ones that get better rewards.
Hey thanks,
When i was hit with the "desparate...." I thought about checking out and but for the love of my wife I would have....I did not choose this path for my life and fought hard against the need to do change. All it takes for me to survive is just a hint of encouagement but very hard for me to get.
Im not man enough for the world and not trans enough for trans people. Im too old ugly and hopeless but yet I go on. I really dont know how some days.
Quote from: StevieAK on July 26, 2014, 12:33:12 AM
Hey thanks,
When i was hit with the "desparate...." I thought about checking out and but for the love of my wife I would have....I did not choose this path for my life and fought hard against the need to do change. All it takes for me to survive is just a hint of encouragement but very hard for me to get.
Im not man enough for the world and not trans enough for trans people. I'm too old ugly and hopeless but yet I go on. I really don't know how some days.
The world may see what you describe. But I don't see looks. I see personalities. I see someone who had to go through a lot, and was so strong to keep going. I see someone who has true beauty, because true beauty only lies withing. That's why the world will say those things. They can't see it because they are afraid to look. I see it though. And if I can see it, how much more so can your wife. I can certainly feel you have a very strong love. Something that is hard to find. You do have a purpose, and are important. At least to that one woman. And you only need one. You only need one to give yourself meaning. So so what what others say. They will never have what you have. They will never have inner beauty.
Quote from: Sam314 on July 26, 2014, 12:39:20 AM
The world may see what you describe. But I don't see looks. I see personalities. I see someone who had to go through a lot, and was so strong to keep going. I see someone who has true beauty, because true beauty only lies withing. That's why the world will say those things. They can't see it because they are afraid to look. I see it though. And if I can see it, how much more so can your wife. I can certainly feel you have a very strong love. Something that is hard to find. You do have a purpose, and are important. At least to that one woman. And you only need one. You only need one to give yourself meaning. So so what what others say. They will never have what you have. They will never have inner beauty.
Well said ^^___^^. There's been a lot of hype on this site lately surrounding looks. But true beauty lies within as Sam said. No matter how beautiful someone is on the outside, if they aren't a loving caring person they're ugly on the inside, which, makes them just plain ugly be they cis or trans it doesn't matter. You have a wife who loves you Stevie and also it sounds like you hire people who really need work and your not afraid to give someone a chance. You have qualities that these days are rare. So just ignore those ugly people and move on. Your better than them.
Allie :icon_flower:
Stevie
Wow I felt so angry just reading of your treatment by your 'friends'. You are quite an inspiration. Suspect that there would have been some serious consequences if these comments had been made about me... which isn't very classy and definitely not a good thing. Well done. Its one step at a time and you can always choose which comments to take onboard and which friendships to invest in.
Aisla
Apparently, drinking when you're in the midst of depression is a bad, bad idea. Don't do that, people.
Not sure what made me think this was a GOOD idea.
Definitely not a good thing. Alcohol is a depressant so it will only make the depression worse. Suspect it isn't a good time to mention the hangover either!
This thread actually made me a lot happier than I was when I clicked on it. It's not schadenfreude, I think I just was getting into a bad headspace where it felt like I was alone in having problems at all.
My main problem right now is just that it's late. I know I'll be tired tomorrow, but I don't want to wind down because I know I have to be a perfect person again during the day and it feels so nice to not be that person right now.
Quote from: StevieAK on July 26, 2014, 12:33:12 AM
Hey thanks,
When i was hit with the "desparate...." I thought about checking out and but for the love of my wife I would have....I did not choose this path for my life and fought hard against the need to do change. All it takes for me to survive is just a hint of encouagement but very hard for me to get.
Im not man enough for the world and not trans enough for trans people. Im too old ugly and hopeless but yet I go on. I really dont know how some days.
You're comments sure seem like my own echo! Hang in there Stevie, it's obvious that you're a good gal with a kind and loving heart for your spouse and those that really matter. Friends are always few and far between, keep in mind that the rest of the crowd are nothing more than acquaintances whose thoughts, comments and opinions will always be meaningless five minutes later anyway as they have no hold or sway over your life and who you are to those that really matter.
Brat with a BB gun
i accidentally headbutted my dog. she was asleep. i was cuddling her. suddenly she wakes up and jerks her head right to where mine was. i apologized to her profusely and checked her for head injuries.
now i kind of have to laugh. this is typical for her.
Having to buy a new pair of guy jeans because I need new jeans and I'm not ready to present female at work yet. Also, my wife suggesting the more male of two options for just about anything that comes up. She's still in denial.
I am broke for such a long time , yet I managed to survive . The last period was too difficult , I am struggling to get a meal , and I am off Estrogen for more than a week already , just on AA , so I feel terrible and I am so bitchy . I am trying not to post some things other users would be offended of .
Yet I still maintain some hope , it is a weird and sad hope and optimism sensation , but at least I didn't give up completely yet .
I'm trying to work on getting my voice to a proper range while still keeping it sounding natural, but it hasn't even been close for me. I used to be in choir, so I'm used to controlling my voice. Unfortunately, that's only worked for singing with me. If I try talking there, it sounds like an unnatural falsetto voice no matter what I do. These training videos I've been trying haven't been helping either.
So yeah, that's bringing all my happiness from earlier back down again. I hate my deep baritone voice.
Quote from: big kim on July 26, 2014, 10:25:11 AM
Brat with a BB gun
Hearing this without context made me smile. I hope it turned out okay, though.
What made me unhappy today was realizing that my arm might not heal. I had bad carpal tunnel problems after a couple of falling injuries where I landed on my hands, and maybe it was made worse by using power tools at work, and it was definitely made worse by testosterone increasing the blood volume in my tiny wrists, so I had surgery on my left hand a few months ago. Surgery on the right hand needs to happen next, but the first surgery went badly.
The doctor said he "bumped into" the median nerve, and that it was no problem and I didn't have to worry about it. He pointed out how difficult it is to work in such a small space and said that complications are common. Even when it took weeks to regain sensation and motor function in my hand, and the majority of the postsurgical pain I had was in my upper arm, he said it was fine. He kept saying it was fine no matter what I said or asked. He tried to refer me to physical therapy but my insurance doesn't cover it, and I don't see how that could help now even if I could get it. I currently have good strength and range of motion in my hand, much better than before the surgery, but if I use my left hand much my forearm burns like fire for days. I don't know how to accept living like I only have one hand.
Hope your doctor is absolutely sure and not disinterested in your worries (Sounds a bit like it)
Fingers crossed for you Felix
I'm sorry to hear that you're in this situation Felix :(
Perhaps you could go for a second opinion on the effects of "bumping into the median nerve" before you consider surgery with this person again.
Right now my right shoulder is playing up, so that it's painful and draining to even lift the arm (when the shoulder isn't popping out of it's socket) :(
I hope that your arm recovers soon *awkward one armed hugs*
What made me unhappy today?
I woke up after very little sleep in order to try and make an appointment with my GP practice.
This involves having a phone in hand by 8am and hitting redial until you get through (in practice 8-15 minutes).
This morning I got the message "Your surgery is currently closed..."
I've checked the calendar and it's not a bank holiday so I have no idea why they're closed :(
I hurt my hand. Also, I got a philly cheesesteak and fries but I didn't like it. What a waste of $6.47. I should have gotten Chik Fila. The price of a Call of Duty: Ghosts game I was looking at on ebay went up.
There I was having a beautiful sail on the Sound when a loud bang (like a gunshot) broke the calm and the mainsail and boom start bouncing around like crazy - Seemed like forever to get the boat turned into the wind so I could determine the problem - A block had shattered releasing a control line - Certainly pulled a dark shade down on a delightful day
be well
jennifer
Realizing that if I want to afford my surgery in 6 months, I need to work 200 hours per monthly pay cycle.
It's a week into the pay cycle and I've worked 44 hours already...as long as there's a lot of work freed up I will be able to achieve my goal but frick. -_- I hate that everything is so expensive and I hate being a man with such large boobs. It could be something I'd deal with whether I was cis or trans, my brother has quite bad gynecomastia...so that's a small comfort but it's still a slap on the face.
I spoke to my mother today, not really knowing why, since her advice is and has always been "Quit feeling sorry for yourself." I wish I could. :(
It's strange how six months can feel farther and farther away with every day that passes.
Won't be doing the trip now.
Oh well...life sucks and then you die.
Absolutely nothing. It was a wonderful day. Couldn't find a single thing to complain about. Will try harder tomorrow.
Aisla
Quote from: Aisla on July 29, 2014, 02:34:09 AM
Absolutely nothing. It was a wonderful day. Couldn't find a single thing to complain about. Will try harder tomorrow.
Aisla
Count me with you on that, if ever I'm unhappy it's because I made myself feel that way, so I don't ever bother to go there.
I, I, I think I might have a bald spot on the back of my head near the center but still visible to the public view. :( Not sure if it is or not but, I don't recall it being there before, thought it might just be where the hairs divide to the left, right etc. Still not sure but, if it is a bald spot then.. :(
Also, I have been losing like 30 hairs a day, especially when I shower, I wasn't losing but half this amount, now that my hair is longer, it doubles.. is this normal? (I'm not on E btw)
I started shedding hair and developed thinning,balding spots on top 2 years ago. It might be male pattern baldness. I would consult your GP/Dermatologist as soon as possible to rule out or confirm it
The sooner you start hormones or for example Finasteride(I used that as a stop-gap before hormones) the better the results will be. I barely developed bald spots but was very close, now my hair is thickening again due to the HRT, so thats a little relief
It really tears your self-confidence and social life apart from my own experience
Vivien
Finally managed to talk to my (hopefully) endo's secretary. She told me she didn't have my HRT letter which was emailed on 7/8. She gave me the fax number and my therapist asked me to fax it because she has no fax machine. I did that 2 hours ago. Hey, at least I found out, but if she had called me back any time in the last week and a half I could have fixed this sooner!
The new spiro that I bought over a month ago must have been a bad batch. I broke out all over my face, my facial hair seems to have woken up, higher libido... Awfulness.
Got my tst checked today, the norm was 0.5 till 3, mine was 37 sth...
I am paranoid at the moment. Breakouts and hair can be taken care of, I'm being paranoid if something else might change/have changed :/
Came back to taking my old spiro batch that I never had issues with, double.
:/
I am having bad bottom dysphoria. :( I know not all women care about the lack of penis but I just feel bad about it. I don't even like my vagina, you know?
Angry with quite a few things at the moment so in a fowl mood.
Not happy. >:(
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffuturama-madhouse.com.ar%2Fgrabs%2F5acv11%2F511-018.jpg&hash=5ae033997e0012859165eb75f5d8097dae022a8d)
*throws butterflies and hugs around*
Hope you all feel better soonish
I did something and tweeked my back a bit. It hurts, but not to where I can't do the stuff I have to do today, just annoying as heck.
Looking at old webcam pics of myself. At one time, years ago, I was kind of pretty, now, not so much.
sigh...
Quote from: Jaime R D on July 30, 2014, 11:37:50 AM
Looking at old webcam pics of myself. At one time, years ago, I was kind of pretty, now, not so much.
sigh...
You should come over on Sunday and I'll share a piece of my birthday cake with you and we can commiserate with one another.
Cake. Someone say cake?
Tooo healthy :laugh:
Where is the chocolate and cream?
Quote from: Shantel on July 30, 2014, 12:08:26 PM
You should come over on Sunday and I'll share a piece of my birthday cake with you and we can commiserate with one another.
Your birthday comes the day after my little sister's birthday. I can't recall what my schedule is for sunday, if I have to go in, I don't think I'll have time to drive there and back by Monday morning...
my depression has become stronger over the last few months. I just don't feel like even getting up most of the time.
One of my friends (another MtF girl) overdosed on medication last night trying to kill herself. Her sister contacted me this morning (referring to my friend as male as she did, even though she knows better...) and told me she was now in the hospital. I really want to visit with some of my other friends that are part of our board game group to check on her and try to cheer her up, but I don't know when I'll be able to. I'm really worried, but also glad that she's still alive.
:'(
Are you able to talk with someone about it Zoot? Don't want you to become a reclusive staying at home. I've had 5 years of seasonal depression when I was a teen, Ive always carriedthe scars with me
Quote from: Eevee on July 30, 2014, 02:08:10 PM
One of my friends (another MtF girl) overdosed on medication last night trying to kill herself. Her sister contacted me this morning (referring to my friend as male as she did, even though she knows better...) and told me she was now in the hospital. I really want to visit with some of my other friends that are part of our board game group to check on her and try to cheer her up, but I don't know when I'll be able to. I'm really worried, but also glad that she's still alive.
:'(
Phewww. Sometimes its so tempting to give it all up because of this. See her soon, hope she recovers ok
Quote from: YinYanga on July 30, 2014, 02:09:23 PM
Are you able to talk with someone about it Zoot? Don't want you to become a reclusive staying at home. I've had 5 years of seasonal depression when I was a teen, Ive always carriedthe scars with me
i am a recluse.
not because of my depression.
it's partially my character and partially my aspergers.
i am in psychotherapy and other therapy, but nothing helps. i've been taking antidepressants for over two years now, but they don't help. I'm unstable with and without them. I'm just more emotional without them and can actually feel love without them.
What works best for you....medication or none? If you look at the whole picture?
I have social anxiety for example, meds didnt do enough for me so I cut them and figured I need to 1: accept it'll always be a little bit part of my life 2: challenge myself and keep doing things to improve my wellbeing, not doing anything solves nothing for me
My motto: Whatever the choice, make sure you make it
Quote from: birkin on July 30, 2014, 03:35:38 AM
I am having bad bottom dysphoria. :( I know not all women care about the lack of penis but I just feel bad about it. I don't even like my vagina, you know?
I sympathize with you Birkin and know the feeling all too well as I too am currently suffering bad bottom dysphoria. I can't even stand to look at that awful abomination in my nether regions let alone touch it. So when it comes to relationships I know how you feel all too well.
Best wishes! :icon_bunch:
Hugs :icon_hug:
Allie :icon_flower:
Quote from: Allyda on July 30, 2014, 03:52:59 PM
I sympathize with you Birkin and know the feeling all too well as I too am currently suffering bad bottom dysphoria. I can't even stand to look at that awful abomination in my nether regions let alone touch it. So when it comes to relationships I know how you feel all too well.
Best wishes! :icon_bunch:
Hugs :icon_hug:
Allie :icon_flower:
Thanks Allie. :) I hate knowing that someone else feels that way but it is nice to know that I am not alone at the same time.
I lost my blindfold which I wear to keep the light out of my eyes so that I can actually sleep :(
Quote from: birkin on July 30, 2014, 06:51:14 PM
Thanks Allie. :) I hate knowing that someone else feels that way but it is nice to know that I am not alone at the same time.
Yea, I posted in another thread how I keep a large dish towel by my toilet so I can cover my crotch when using the bathroom to avoid seeing what's there. If all goes well though I just have to hang in there til December. You have all my hopes Birkin that you won't have to suffer too long with this. Mine can be almost crippling. I can only imagine how uncomfortable your makes you feel.
Allie :icon_flower:
Quote from: birkin on July 30, 2014, 03:35:38 AM
I am having bad bottom dysphoria. :( I know not all women care about the lack of penis but I just feel bad about it. I don't even like my vagina, you know?
If I could I would swap with you Hun. I feel for you xx
Loosing more hair every day , mental struggles continue with seemingly no end , loneliness , lack of money , no real prospect for the future , ...
I wish they were what made me unhappy today , yet they are my usual ' partners ' in life
Quote from: Emily.T on July 31, 2014, 01:45:39 AM
If I could I would swap with you Hun. I feel for you xx
A swap meat! :icon_hahano:
Wanting to go outside to clean my windows..I had everything ready and took a deep breath, openened the door and saw two guys sunbathing on the opposite flat in plain sight. I'm not sure if they noticed but I fled inside immediately...theyre gone now, Ill try again in an hour or so
My anxiety is really causing transition issues and I know it
Quote from: Shantel on July 31, 2014, 09:57:31 AM
A swap meat! :icon_hahano:
Um, yea, with emphasis on the "meat," lol!! :icon_mrgreen:Quote from: Claudia_FF on July 31, 2014, 05:36:57 AM
Loosing more hair every day , mental struggles continue with seemingly no end , loneliness , lack of money , no real prospect for the future , ...
I wish they were what made me unhappy today , yet they are my usual ' partners ' in life
Claudia I really feel for you in your situation and really wish there was something I could do. I was having a hair loss issue before starting my hrt, and every day when I saw my hairbrush after brushing or looked into the mirror I'd break into tears. Luckily for me my hrt has reversed my issue and I'm getting my lost hair back (Avodart{Dutasteride} is a godsend for me) and my hair is healthier than it's been in years. Just please know that I and everyone here are with you in spirit and give all our hopes a solution will come a long for you soon. :icon_bunch:
All my hopes. :icon_love:
Hugs :icon_hug:
Allie :icon_flower:
Being stupid enough to read some radical feminist psycho going on about they believe in humans rights but we need to be ignored and thrown away.
Paranoia
Frustration with being trans
I had a bad reaction to anti-inflammatory medication prescribed by my GP. My blood-pressure dropped to the point where I lost vision and motor control before collapsing. I regained consciousness slumped against a wall :( I can safely say I'll never take Naproxen again!
Seeing those dangly bits.
Missing my 8/9 hours of steady sleep
I can sleep 7 hours but just got out of bed after 5 hours and lying awake
Ughh, HRT side effects :\
was given the choice last night. either i get my new name or i keep my wife..... I love her with all my heart and i can make the choice easy enough..... but it hurts so much to have to wait as long as she wants before i can take that step.
Quote from: Sheala on August 01, 2014, 01:10:34 AM
was given the choice last night. either i get my new name or i keep my wife..... I love her with all my heart and i can make the choice easy enough..... but it hurts so much to have to wait as long as she wants before i can take that step.
I hope this changes for you without too much damage to either of you. When I first came out I was prepared to wait years for my daughter to be on board before making major changes, but luckily children are simpler in their beliefs and she was more confused by my hesitation than by my identity itself. With attached adults you have to be so much more patient. Good luck in your progress.
Odd anxiety and depression stuff, sleep issues again
I really don't like one of my two jobs. At least so far. I feel so grumpy this morning because I am tired and I feel like my job is trucking someone around all day, rather than actually helping this person.
My three children decided not to be with me. Although they had been transitioning with me they seemed to have a bump. My wife says calm down and they will come back to us. It hurts my wife as well as she can't see her grand babies. Sad
I don't know but I think they think if they punish me into who I used to look like.
Ugh, this shift was truly hellish lol. What's worse is that I have to do a night shift tonight, followed by a day shift immediately after...followed by another night shift/day shift combo 7 hours after that.
Whatever...my eyes are on the surgery prize. My client today works at a Target and I swear, it takes so much willpower not to blow a ton of cash there. I saw like ten things I wanted, fortunately I was too busy making sure he didn't get distracted and walking around with him. And after the shift, my body was so tired from everything that I didn't have the will to even purchase the items I wanted. I headed straight home.
What's the point on having SRS if I can't date or even have sex? Why have surgery if my genitalia is not a part of my life?
Quote from: Julia (Apple-Whatever) on August 01, 2014, 05:16:28 PM
What's the point on having SRS if I can't date or even have sex? Why have surgery if my genitalia is not a part of my life?
I see it as something you do to make your body fit your own perception of how it should be. Sex or dating has never been a motivation for myself.
Quote from: StevieAK on August 01, 2014, 01:03:56 PM
My three children decided not to be with me. Although they had been transitioning with me they seemed to have a bump. My wife says calm down and they will come back to us. It hurts my wife as well as she can't see her grand babies. Sad
I don't know but I think they think if they punish me into who I used to look like.
They mean well but don't know what they're dealing with, don't let the kids put an emotional wedge between you and the spouse. Been through that before and told her to decide if she is married to me or them and then get behind me.
A lady twice my size sat next to me on the bus so I was squished.
My cell phone stopped working.
The bus was super late..
Quote from: King Malachite on August 01, 2014, 05:52:07 PM
A lady twice my size sat next to me on the bus so I was squished.
My cell phone stopped working.
The bus was super late..
Wow she caused all those three things? She musta been super heavy! ;D
Quote from: Jaime R D on August 01, 2014, 05:32:55 PM
I see it as something you do to make your body fit your own perception of how it should be. Sex or dating has never been a motivation for myself.
Agreed ^^___^^ SRS in my case will correct a birth defect I've lived with far too long. So Jamie's point is accurate. And sex or the act of having sex has nothing to do with it.
Allie :icon_flower:
After paying my bills I only had $83. left out of my check. Hopefully I'll get some work this month.
Allie :icon_flower:
I consider myself non binary, and I don't suffer depression for having a penis. It's more like I have a choice on what I will have. It's stupid because I don't date or have sex because of how people despise my genitals, and at the same time I'd be doing SRS just to comply to the norm and had the same people that woul try to kill me now accept me because of a stupid surgery.
I started saving for it, but after chasing SRS for so long, I don't even see the point. Only achieving a female appearance worries me now. FFS, finishing electro, breast augmentation..., but the other would be just the same, something I would only use for sex, adding the problem of needing a long sick leave to recover, keeping a dilation schedule, plus the risks... Unless I start having a social life that implies dating, having sex, etc... My potential neovagina will stay in the form of a bank account.
Just doing it for sexual activities might not be a good motivation..I just see it as a nice side effect (I wont date guys before I had SRS, I just dont feel comfortable with it)
For me its about feeling whole..I often tuck in the mirror and that makes me look at my (feminizing) body in a more positive light. Ill just have to take the extra medical (after)care for granted
Quote from: Julia (Apple-Whatever) on August 02, 2014, 01:24:59 AM
I consider myself non binary, and I don't suffer depression for having a penis. It's more like I have a choice on what I will have. It's stupid because I don't date or have sex because of how people despise my genitals, and at the same time I'd be doing SRS just to comply to the norm and had the same people that woul try to kill me now accept me because of a stupid surgery.
I started saving for it, but after chasing SRS for so long, I don't even see the point. Only achieving a female appearance worries me now. FFS, finishing electro, breast augmentation..., but the other would be just the same, something I would only use for sex, adding the problem of needing a long sick leave to recover, keeping a dilation schedule, plus the risks... Unless I start having a social life that implies dating, having sex, etc... My potential neovagina will stay in the form of a bank account.
A penis is non-essential for urinating; and in many ways is inconvenient. Setting to pee is more sanitary and pleasant than standing. A penis is really only essential for penetrative sex with a female. Tucking it in your clothing can also be inconvenient and uncomfortable in addition to creating a disgusting looking bulge.
I can live with tucking and nobody has clocked me on jeggings. It's freaking stupid because I live in a place where people dislike trans and the only way of dating is forcefully going through SRS. But since I don't care about my genitals, I feel like I'd be doing srs for other persons and not for me.
Quote from: Julia (Apple-Whatever) on August 02, 2014, 01:24:59 AM
I consider myself non binary, and I don't suffer depression for having a penis. It's more like I have a choice on what I will have. It's stupid because I don't date or have sex because of how people despise my genitals, and at the same time I'd be doing SRS just to comply to the norm and had the same people that woul try to kill me now accept me because of a stupid surgery.
I started saving for it, but after chasing SRS for so long, I don't even see the point. Only achieving a female appearance worries me now. FFS, finishing electro, breast augmentation..., but the other would be just the same, something I would only use for sex, adding the problem of needing a long sick leave to recover, keeping a dilation schedule, plus the risks... Unless I start having a social life that implies dating, having sex, etc... My potential neovagina will stay in the form of a bank account.
Julia,
You're not all alone with this kind of thinking, really one must consider what their true motives are for everything they do and if you're not just swimming in self loathing over how you are plumbed and don't expect to have to satisfy the sexual preferences of a man, then what would be the point if no one would ever be seeing that part of your anatomy? Other than that, women do have a smoother appearance in those regions, but if that's not an issue then GRS would be more trouble and expense than it's worth. One needs to weigh the pros and cons pragmatically.
Given my present situation I could live without full SRS as long as I could manage to pass as female when desired. Would be nice to eliminate facial and body hair and have nice breast development. Would also be nice if I could find a way to have full genital removal and urethra relocation as medically necessary. I have absolutely no need or desire for my penis and testicles.
Quote from: mac1 on August 02, 2014, 12:10:32 PM
Given my present situation I could live without full SRS as long as I could manage to pass as female when desired. Would be nice to eliminate facial and body hair and have nice breast development. Would also be nice if I could find a way to have full genital removal and urethra relocation as medically necessary. I have absolutely no need or desire for my penis and testicles.
Quite understandable Mac, this business corresponds in a way to a sign that was posted above the door of a racing specialties shop that said, "Speed costs money, how fast can you afford to go!"
Quote from: Shantel on August 02, 2014, 12:34:15 PM
Quite understandable Mac, this business corresponds in a way to a sign that was posted above the door of a racing specialties shop that said, "Speed costs money, how fast can you afford to go!"
Financially I could probably afford to do it. It is primarily finding a way to do it so that it will be acceptable with my wife. Her views are rather straight and fixed.
Something far too wrong going on my head. Heck, it's my best friend and he already has a girlfriend. Some times I'm having animalistic impulses that are messing me. If I had been drunk I'd have done something I'd lament.
Quote from: mac1 on August 02, 2014, 01:20:24 PM
Financially I could probably afford to do it. It is primarily finding a way to do it so that it will be acceptable with my wife. Her views are rather straight and fixed.
Been there done that too, it's called incrementalism! Take it in small steps like the government does and she will be more accepting of the little changes day by day just like Americans get used to how the country is morphing into something completely different than what it was 25 years ago. Incrementalism is psychologically the best method of introducing change without a lot of conflict.
Quote from: Shantel on August 02, 2014, 04:06:40 PM
Been there done that too, it's called incrementalism! Take it in small steps like the government does and she will be more accepting of the little changes day by day just like Americans get used to how the country is morphing into something completely different than what it was 25 years ago. Incrementalism is psychologically the best method of introducing change without a lot of conflict.
Makes sense but not sure just how to go about it.
As far as the country, the last 6 years have been very devastating.
Quote from: mac1 on August 02, 2014, 06:36:23 PM
Makes sense but not sure just how to go about it.
As far as the country, the last 6 years have been very devastating.
I can't coach you on the first comment other than to say that a lot of conversation with the S.O. is important. You sure are right about the second statement!
Quote from: birkin on August 01, 2014, 05:00:51 PM
Whatever...my eyes are on the surgery prize. My client today works at a Target and I swear, it takes so much willpower not to blow a ton of cash there. I saw like ten things I wanted, fortunately I was too busy making sure he didn't get distracted and walking around with him. And after the shift, my body was so tired from everything that I didn't have the will to even purchase the items I wanted. I headed straight home.
People who do jobs like yours are increasingly relevant in my life, and I want to say that even if your client can't thank you it's still really important. There is so much turnover with aides and attendants and skills trainers that we usually just don't have help because it takes so long for any given person to get used to my kid and able to read her cues to know if she's about to dart off or hit or scream or eat something she shouldn't. When anyone can help her do anything without my presence, she feels more competent and I get to feel more like a separate human in my own right. You deserve way higher pay than people in your position typically get.
What made me unhappy today was struggling to be nice. I want to be alone, and I don't want to talk about Pokemon.
Quote from: Felix on August 02, 2014, 07:11:11 PM
People who do jobs like yours are increasingly relevant in my life, and I want to say that even if your client can't thank you it's still really important. There is so much turnover with aides and attendants and skills trainers that we usually just don't have help because it takes so long for any given person to get used to my kid and able to read her cues to know if she's about to dart off or hit or scream or eat something she shouldn't. When anyone can help her do anything without my presence, she feels more competent and I get to feel more like a separate human in my own right. You deserve way higher pay than people in your position typically get.
What made me unhappy today was struggling to be nice. I want to be alone, and I don't want to talk about Pokemon.
Those who fill those kinds of job fields deserve more than what they make in terms of financial rewards, and perhaps even that isn't enough. So many families and especially the parents are saddled with a huge burden, so emotionally and financially draining that those who take on the job of spelling them for awhile to give them a break deserve to be nominated for sainthood.
Quote from: Felix on August 02, 2014, 07:11:11 PM
People who do jobs like yours are increasingly relevant in my life, and I want to say that even if your client can't thank you it's still really important. There is so much turnover with aides and attendants and skills trainers that we usually just don't have help because it takes so long for any given person to get used to my kid and able to read her cues to know if she's about to dart off or hit or scream or eat something she shouldn't. When anyone can help her do anything without my presence, she feels more competent and I get to feel more like a separate human in my own right. You deserve way higher pay than people in your position typically get.
Thanks Felix. I try to constantly put myself in the shoes of the family of the person...people tell me not to do that, that you get too attached, but I feel like I have to in order to do my job well. I've met the parents of a lot of my clients (or sometimes sisters, uncles, guardians, what have you) and I know how much trust it takes to place your child in the care of someone else, no matter what age they are. I hope to stay with the agency I'm with for a long time, overall the coworkers are great and it's not that bad of a job most of the time. The pay is OK, I'm not complaining but it would still be hard to make it on my own on it.
Quote from: Shantel on August 02, 2014, 07:18:41 PM
Those who fill those kinds of job fields deserve more than what they make in terms of financial rewards, and perhaps even that isn't enough. So many families and especially the parents are saddled with a huge burden, so emotionally and financially draining that those who take on the job of spelling them for awhile to give them a break deserve to be nominated for sainthood.
lol well I wouldn't go that far...some of the people (coworkers) that I work with can be very selfish and don't have the clients' best interest at heart. Two people got canned today right in front of me, which terrified me, but I can see where these people might not have been taking on the responsibility that they should have.
Quote from: birkin on August 02, 2014, 08:00:47 PM
lol well I wouldn't go that far...some of the people (coworkers) that I work with can be very selfish and don't have the clients' best interest at heart. Two people got canned today right in front of me, which terrified me, but I can see where these people might not have been taking on the responsibility that they should have.
Guess it's a good exercise in "It's not all about you!" You'll be doing fine, stressful as it is, if you take care of them you'll reap the rewards and realize your own goals. Proud of you hon!
I don't know why, but I feel uncomfortable around the girl who I think is a lesbian. I am not homophobic...I think part of me feels bad because you can tell she wants to be one of the guys. Just socially, not physically lol. And I try to include her but it's pretty obvious the men relate to me differently, as a man, than they do to her.
Additionally I think I also feel afraid to accidentally offend her somehow. God knows why, I spent enough years living as a lesbian to know how to not the offensive.
Either way it makes me feel guilty and nervous. How hilarious would it be if she was straight?
My sister taking advantage of my drunken mother by letting her sick children spend a night here....
Quote from: birkin on August 03, 2014, 12:13:35 AM
I don't know why, but I feel uncomfortable around the girl who I think is a lesbian. I am not homophobic...I think part of me feels bad because you can tell she wants to be one of the guys. Just socially, not physically lol. And I try to include her but it's pretty obvious the men relate to me differently, as a man, than they do to her.
Additionally I think I also feel afraid to accidentally offend her somehow. God knows why, I spent enough years living as a lesbian to know how to not the offensive.
Either way it makes me feel guilty and nervous. How hilarious would it be if she was straight?
I've been more awkward with lesbians (and apparent lesbians who might be straight) since transition for some of the same reasons.
It's only been today for an hour, so I can easily say that
nothing made me unhappy today. ;D
I was in the doctors waiting room today and one of my cousins walked in, I wasn't acknowledged at all it's like I don't even exist any more.
Huge amount of dysphoria that makes me want to yell.
I had a dream with my family in it. Oddly enough, there was an actual setting and plot to the dream that never happened in real life, but my family showed up to act like my family anyway and strangers in the dream acted like them too.
I hear about so many trans men that date people (especially girls) who don't see them fully as men. Seems to happen mostly early in transition but it just seems like selling yourself short.
Knowing that I live in a state where I can't really be me and can't afford to move so I can be the real me.
Quote from: Jboggs on August 03, 2014, 01:39:41 PM
Knowing that I live in a state where I can't really be me and can't afford to move so I can be the real me.
Are you still in West Virginia hun? I haven't seen you on here in a while. I ask because I posted to a comment in a thread of yours concerning West Virginia's, er, well, uniqueness back in February I think. I thought you would have moved. Just curious.
Allie :icon_flower:
One of my nephews passed away, he was only about 30 years old :'( Granted, he had ignored me for the past few years because I am still semi disowned by my family, but it still makes me rather sad
Stupid foot injury (most likely plantar fasciitis) is stopping me from running properly and hurts like $&$&; after getting up. So, off to the doctor we go...first time in, oh, 7 weeks. Almost a record.
Internet kept going on and off so I couldn't do much. >:(
Unfortnately Allyda I am still here. Trying to get out of here. Things just aren't falling into place like I had hoped.
Quote from: Jboggs on August 03, 2014, 08:53:41 PM
Unfortnately Allyda I am still here. Trying to get out of here. Things just aren't falling into place like I had hoped.
Sorry to hear your still stuck there. I really feel for you cause I know how hard it can be if your TG living there. I know I lost everything trying to get out of there. Please know you have all my hopes in getting out of there soon.
Allie :icon_flower:
Reading old email. I've been increasingly okay and content for years, and I had forgotten why my bar for happiness is so low in the first place. I had forgotten how much more of a person I used to be. I used to be creative, and I had a sense of humor, and I had friends, and I had adventures, and I tried to learn from everything. Even when life was really bad I was pretty normal in my reactions to the circumstances. I was emotive and sane and determined and I kept myself whole for a long time.
What I've become since then isn't bad, but I maintained my functionality after breaking by building onto just the retained basic infrastructure of who I was before. Who I am is intentional now, and not particularly subtle or complex except where I've plowed through bad thoughts to retrieve specific parts of myself that I remember and don't want thrown away. I do the things that I have to do. I have the same ethical views I always had. I still like to eat beans and rice, and I still sleep on my side, and I still love science, and I can still put my feelings into words, but I'm not all here yet. Every drop of my being is focused on being safe and healthy and normal most of the time. I'm okay with doing that, but reminders that I was ever anything else are triggering.
I need to not so obliviously check old accounts in the future.
Felix, I can relate to that - you're not alone!
What made me unhappy today? Realizing I am very, very poor at handling stress. I'm already a week behind Uni and I have a commissioner who is demanding 10-12 artworks to be completed within two weeks instead of the original two month deadline.
Throw all my dysphoria, errands for family, appointments for cochlear implant mappings and having to sacrifice study time to do the commissions which will most likely put me even further behind Uni than I already am... I am ready to cry. :icon_nervious: :icon_sniff: :icon_cry:
Quote from: EchelonHunt on August 04, 2014, 04:06:41 AM
Felix, I can relate to that - you're not alone!
What made me unhappy today? Realizing I am very, very poor at handling stress. I'm already a week behind Uni and I have a commissioner who is demanding 10-12 artworks to be completed within two weeks instead of the original two month deadline.
Throw all my dysphoria, errands for family, appointments for cochlear implant mappings and having to sacrifice study time to do the commissions which will most likely put me even further behind Uni than I already am... I am ready to cry. :icon_nervious: :icon_sniff: :icon_cry:
Sounds like major over load. I hope the implant stuff is over soon so you have more time to dedicate to your art work.
I have black hair and for most of the time black facial hair (for now *glares at remaining beard*).
However every once in a while my hair partially turns ginger. Sometimes in the summer I get streaks to either side of my fringe, more often it's throughout my facial hair.
I went for my second session of laser on Friday and on Sunday I noticed that some of my facial hair had turned ginger in the intervening time (or perhaps more likely, had previously been hidden by the black). I'm irked because laser isn't going to make a dent in this and I'll probably also have to undergo electrolysis afterwards.
I'm not sure why this happens, is it an exposure to sunlight thing?
Anxious to meet my date in 2 hours....ughh, tummy ache...all this tension
Quote from: YinYanga on August 04, 2014, 04:46:09 AM
Anxious to meet my date in 2 hours....ughh, tummy ache...all this tension
That's as normal as first day in class I think. I always get butterflies when going on a first date. And when I sign up for new classes. Or start a new job (interviews are worse than first dates I think). Just be yourself :)
Quote from: GenTechJ on August 04, 2014, 04:53:18 AM
That's as normal as first day in class I think. I always get butterflies when going on a first date. And when I sign up for new classes. Or start a new job (interviews are worse than first dates I think). Just be yourself :)
Well said and seconded :)
Gonna try just being myself, thanks girls ^^
It's just so early in my transition that I might end up having to keep up too many strings in my life...we'll see, seemed we clicked well. Ill report back later :)
Quote from: YinYanga on August 04, 2014, 04:59:59 AM
Gonna try just being myself, thanks girls ^^
It's just so early in my transition that I might end up having to keep up too many strings in my life...we'll see, seemed we clicked well. Ill report back later :)
I'm sure all will go well, would like to hear how things go and when the second date is :)
Quote from: GenTechJ on August 04, 2014, 05:05:08 AM
I'm sure all will go well, would like to hear how things go and when the second date is :)
If it went well....look at the Happy thread instead later today ;)
Quote from: YinYanga on August 04, 2014, 05:06:20 AM
If it went well....look at the Happy thread instead later today ;)
Will definitely keep checking it in that case. :D
Not being able to shave for days in prep for today's consult/first electro appt. I HATE, DESPISE, LOATHE, the look and feel of facial hair. HAAAAAAAAATTTTTTEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS IT, WE DO!!!
I feel like a $(*&$)(*%##)(* wookie as I said in my post on the hair removal forum.
Quote from: Wynternight on August 04, 2014, 11:15:37 AM
Not being able to shave for days in prep for today's consult/first electro appt. I HATE, DESPISE, LOATHE, the look and feel of facial hair. HAAAAAAAAATTTTTTEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS IT, WE DO!!!
I feel like a $(*&$)(*%##)(* wookie as I said in my post on the hair removal forum.
Agreed and seconded!^^^____^^^. While I only have the gray's left, they're really turning white so I'll need electro to clear my face once and for good.
Why I'm unhappy today, I don't have the $$ for electro, and I have an appointment with my Gastroentologist later on at 3:15 pm. The guy is always lifting up my shirt and pushing in on my tummy. I also think he does it a little more than necessary if in fact it is necessary at all. I prefer women Doctors but all mine are men. Seems like that is the only kind around here. Anyhoo, I'm very uncomfortable with this touchy feely practice of his.
Ali(yea I'm still experimenting with spelling -looked up Ali as short for other names and this is the spelling I come up with). :icon_flower:
Idk, visit with a lawyer today. Long story short I had my left hip replaced 3 yrs ago jan well it's failing. The implant they put in me is causing chromium poisioning sept 2nd I'm having another surgery. I was seeking advice from a lawyer for manufacturers liability and possibility of going after the doctor. Today I was told I'm pretty much screwed the statues of limitations for malpractice is 2 and since the product they used is too new and there hasn't been too many lawsuits yet. The surgery will cost from 65 to 70 thousand I have insurance but will still have to pay 5 to 6 thousand. :(
Quote from: MyKa on August 04, 2014, 09:06:05 PM
Idk, visit with a lawyer today. Long story short I had my left hip replaced 3 yrs ago jan well it's failing. The implant they put in me is causing chromium poisioning sept 2nd I'm having another surgery. I was seeking advice from a lawyer for manufacturers liability and possibility of going after the doctor. Today I was told I'm pretty much screwed the statues of limitations for malpractice is 2 and since the product they used is too new and there hasn't been too many lawsuits yet. The surgery will cost from 65 to 70 thousand I have insurance but will still have to pay 5 to 6 thousand. :(
That sucks MyKa, perhaps if there is an ongoing problem with that product that a class action will ensue, though it may only get you pennys on the dollar in reimbursement, it would be better than nothing.
Statue of limitations on product liability is 5 yrs 1.5 yrs from now. Second guessing having the surgery now. Don't think the chromium poisoning will kill me it's just frakin painful as hell
Sore day for the boobs
I wake up and answer the door for a new worker, and she says to myself and my coworker "so how are you ladies doing today?" What the ->-bleeped-<- lady, I answered the door with a full beard shadow. I mean FULL.
I have a pain management appointment today at 1:30. What makes me unhappy is that as usual, I'm in a rush to get to it on time.
Ali :icon_flower:
I hate being a slave to my psyche meds. I hate having to worry about friggin cancellations and worrying about how the hell I'm going to get there. Yeah, they keep the panic attacks away and I got my life back. But I'm more than likely going to be stuck on these damn things for the rest of my life. I wish I could go back to just being on E. Things were so much simpler in those days.
My date yesterday made me very dysphoric today, just feeling awful and want to cry
Quote from: YinYanga on August 05, 2014, 02:48:48 PM
My date yesterday made me very dysphoric today, just feeling awful and want to cry
Super big hugs Hun I hope you feel better soon
Quote from: YinYanga on August 05, 2014, 02:48:48 PM
My date yesterday made me very dysphoric today, just feeling awful and want to cry
I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. Wishing you my best to get through it.
Ali :icon_flower:
Quote from: Wynternight on August 04, 2014, 11:15:37 AM
Not being able to shave for days in prep for today's consult/first electro appt. I HATE, DESPISE, LOATHE, the look and feel of facial hair. HAAAAAAAAATTTTTTEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS IT, WE DO!!!
I feel like a $(*&$)(*%##)(* wookie as I said in my post on the hair removal forum.
hahahahaahhahaahahaha wookie...I feel like a sasquatch...that sjust me.
Quote from: StevieAK on August 05, 2014, 06:43:51 PM
hahahahaahhahaahahaha wookie...I feel like a sasquatch...that sjust me.
This is the only serious problem I'm going to have getting Electro to rid myself of the grays that are left -having to let them grow. I do know this though, I'm going to invest in a few scarf's and have it done in Wintertime so I can justify wearing them out in public. I gotta cover the grays with something on my way to my electro sessions.
Ali :icon_flower:
Quote from: Allyda on August 05, 2014, 07:00:23 PM
This is the only serious problem I'm going to have getting Electro to rid myself of the grays that are left -having to let them grow. I do know this though, I'm going to invest in a few scarf's and have it done in Wintertime so I can justify wearing them out in public.
Ali :icon_flower:
Honey you can't hold a candle to me there, I never cleared 100% on account of those, if I don't scrape my face it's twinkle-twinkle little star, I give up!
Quote from: Shantel on August 05, 2014, 07:08:27 PM
Honey you can't hold a candle to me there, I never cleared 100% on account of those, if I don't scrape my face it's twinkle-twinkle little star, I give up!
My grays make up about 1/4 of the facial hair I had. Thankfully I never had any hairs on my upper lip. But I couldn't bear even the thought of going out in public with hair on my face. The scarf idea I came up with when I was plucking them one day and someone was knocking on my door who wouldn't leave, and I had to find something to put over my face and neck.
Ali :icon_flower:
Quote from: Allyda on August 05, 2014, 05:07:23 PM
I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. Wishing you my best to get through it.
Ali :icon_flower:
Just woke up, tired but feeling a little better already..thanks Emily and Allyda <3
It comes and goes
I overslept and was 20 minutes late today at work.
My co-worker was being a D-bag.
My boss came today.
I couldn't eat today at work because I didn't have time to pack a lunch since I was rushing to the bus.
Quote from: Eris on August 04, 2014, 04:34:51 AM
I'm not sure why this happens, is it an exposure to sunlight thing?
I have blondish streaks in my hair that mostly become apparent if I'm in the sun a lot. Sometimes if my hair is very short or parted in a particular way then people notice them without sun.
I have no red on my head, not even in various lighting or after sun exposure, so I was surprised when red patches came in on my face. It's new to me, so I don't know what it's about or how permanent it is.
I forgot my lunch today but that didn't bother me. Rather it was a series of minor annoyances that all added up to me going into one of our exam rooms and having a minor meltdown. I'd feel bad about it but that chair had it coming.
Things got better when I got the call from the care consultant setting me up for a Thursday appt. with a provider who can start me on HRT.
Constantly finding others at work letting me down when I get them to do things.
Delegate work out and it comes back full of errors and not fully completed.
Others don't care and go home without doing what I ask them so they can help themselves.
Raised it to my boss as there seems to be no consequences for any of them as he is unwilling to act.
Thus they do what they want and I have to fix it all up.
The inmates are running the asylum.
Seriously p#$@$% off with them all.
I couldn't sleep until about 5 am. After I recently experienced some rare side effects to anti-inflammatories prescribed by my GP my chest feels tight and I keep having to breathe manually :(
Not enough sleep...but too much work. I just feel f*. So tired and disorganized at this point.
I also have to navigate the men's locker room today. Unavoidable, part of the job. I have a basic plan, but I want to avoid suspicion as much as possible.
We're out of Light Grey printer cartridges at work, which has put my huge print job on hold. Idiots delivered the cartridges to a power plant some distance away from our depot by mistake.
Quote from: Jenny07 on August 06, 2014, 04:33:59 AM
Constantly finding others at work letting me down when I get them to do things.
Delegate work out and it comes back full of errors and not fully completed.
Others don't care and go home without doing what I ask them so they can help themselves.
Raised it to my boss as there seems to be no consequences for any of them as he is unwilling to act.
Thus they do what they want and I have to fix it all up.
The inmates are running the asylum.
Seriously p#$@$% off with them all.
Been in your shoes and took the boss outside and out of earshot of others so there was no witnesses and I yelled at him. I quit not long after to keep my serenity intact.
Being an insomniac sucks. It takes something so trivial as changing the sheets on the bed to another colour/texture to screw up routine and make for a night of crappy sleep.
Dysphoria and paranoia. Granted, I have reasons to for the paranoia, so it's not that irrational.
My boyfriend has said that he likes the way I look now. He does say that he'll be ok with however I end up looking, but I'm worried he won't. He's expressed disbelief that I would ever look more masculine before. Maybe he's saying he'll be fine with it because he really doesn't think I'll change that much. He says he's not into vikings, but I'm heathen(ish) and want to look like one. That may sound weird, but it really does worry me since this part of me is important to me. I'm obviously still going to aim for what I want over what anyone else wants and what will be will be, but I still wonder.
One of my friends has a crush on me. At first, I was fine with it since I was pretty sure he knew how badly I would react if he pressured me. However, we were talking last night because he was one of the people who outed me without my permission. His excuse? He was so excited to know me that he wanted to tell his brother all about me. Why that included outing me as trans, I have no idea and I really don't like it. He then went on to say that he told his brother about me and his parents that he's bi just in case things worked differently between us. The guy knew when he told them that I was interested in someone else. Not only that, but he's eighteen years older than me. This is probably nothing, but it's setting off warning signs to me. Oh well. If he tries anything, I'll rip his balls off. (Except not really because that's illegal.)
I'm unhappy because the maintenance folks STILL haven't fixed my a/c. And the heat is picking up again so it's close to 90 degrees F in my apartment. Ugh, I hate heat. x.x
EDIT: 1804/6:04 PM pacific time. I thought I had a good relationship with management and they understood the rent situation. Went outside to check the mail and there was a 3-Day Pay or Quit notice in my door. No effort made to knock on my door (I've been in the living room all day, I would've heard it) and it's too late to call today and see what's going on. So I now have until the 9th to come up with 1k in order to have not only a roof over my head, but a home for my son and ex to come back to. Meanwhile welfare is dragging their feet on getting our benefits reinstated after sending us a form a month early and cutting us off.
I'll figure it out though. Been in worse situations. I just hate this crap. It should not be so hard to live. Just. Grrrrr.
I brought Call of Duty: Ghost, but had to download a patch so I downloaded it (it took about 6 hours), played some, went to work, and got back on the game and they made me download it AGAIN and for some reason halfway through it will show an error message so it takes like half a day to download. I download it again and it froze at 18 seconds and then gave me another error message. Now I have to start ALL over again and I have a feeling this time it's going to give me an error message halfway. This is not good for my PS3. I feel like I'm being punished.
Another shocking day.
Raised 9 issues against a team for two tasks.
Hopeless.
They just don't get it
Helped them work through the issues and fix them so I could do what I needed on time.
I will probably have to train them as well.
Means I will have to travel to India. Crum's...
I hate curry.
Quote from: Jenny07 on August 07, 2014, 05:14:52 AM
Another shocking day.
Raised 9 issues against a team for two tasks.
Hopeless.
They just don't get it
Helped them work through the issues and fix them so I could do what I needed on time.
I will probably have to train them as well.
Means I will have to travel to India. Crum's...
I hate curry.
Sorry about the bad work day. My method for training staff was getting the I.T. manager to turn off the security cameras, and attempt to beat some sense into them. Not sure if it actually worked but I felt better afterwards.
For food in India you could follow our Warnie's example when he toured there and just eat beans on toast
Another medical bill that my insurance didn't fully pick up.
Looks like I'm going to have to just pay them, because the insurance is doing me a whole lot of good there.
Means no laser for me. Which means no FA job for me, since I'd be going long times without showering, beard growth is horrid after 18-24 hours. And we can't have that.
Another dream crushed. Like every other one.
I ended a friendship with someone today. I'm really conflicted about it because he's a nice man and he really needs some support but I've been helping him for a couple of years now and every conversation we have just drains me completely. I spend all my time with him helping him, cheering him up, rying to make him feel better and at the end of the day I end up crying in a little ball in the corner. I know I couldn't keep that up but now I feel selfish and mean.
I'm pretty sure everyones hates and/or is sick of me.
I want to change something, but have no clue what I'm doing and it's very frustrating.
Blah, had a long and tiring day so I headed to the liquor store to grab something to drink while I chill out for an hour or so...let's just say I saw someone at the store that triggered my dysphoria so now I feel worse rather than better. I feel bad cause it isn't his fault, he seemed like a nice enough guy, but yeah I'm not going to get into it.
Manipulative e-mail full of mind games and gaslighting from my c u next tuesday of a mother.
Another bad day to make a horrible week.
Felt like looking for a bus. 333 sounded good.
No one would miss me.
Quote from: Jenny07 on August 08, 2014, 06:19:50 AM
Another bad day to make a horrible week.
Felt like looking for a bus. 333 sounded good.
No one would miss me.
NO NO NO NO DON'T EVEN THINK THAT.
Some of us around here would miss you.
(The last to post wins thread gets awfully quiet when you are not around)
I had a really bad day today if it wasn't for my daughters I wouldn't be here anymore
Teeth ache coming up!
Grrrrr
Quote from: Emily.T on August 08, 2014, 06:57:31 AM
I had a really bad day today if it wasn't for my daughters I wouldn't be here anymore
What happened?
My period started and I'm in so much pain right now. I can't even do housework and ibuprofen didn't help much.
Quote from: YinYanga on August 08, 2014, 06:59:07 AM
What happened?
I was in a nearby town doing some shopping and was told by some idiots that it would be better for the world if I just killed myself then later in the afternoon I was refused by my wife to talk with my younger daughter again I am just so sick of ppls crap I'm starting to wonder if it's all worth it.
Yuk, nasty people...hate them too even though I havent had things hurled at me for well a very long time..I wonder if people think I pass or just dont feel like saying it directly to me. I think the latter
Are you not allowed to talk with your daughter about your gender identity or just in general. I can understand it a little if she worries about the first, even if its usually harmless
Hope you have a good weekend to make up for it
A friend who I thought I was completely comfortable with commented on how masculine my facial features were and how I probably wouldn't ever be able to pass with them. I am now avoiding all mirrors today. I feel like complete crap.
Quote from: Eevee on August 08, 2014, 12:03:37 PM
A friend who I thought I was completely comfortable with commented on how masculine my facial features were and how I probably wouldn't ever be able to pass with them. I am now avoiding all mirrors today. I feel like complete crap.
That was pretty rude Eevee, are you sure that person is a friend?
Quote from: Shantel on August 08, 2014, 12:05:27 PM
That was pretty rude Eevee, are you sure that person is a friend?
I thought he was. I'm having my doubts now.
Quote from: Eevee on August 08, 2014, 12:09:01 PM
I thought he was. I'm having my doubts now.
Rightly so! I thought you had put a photo of yourself up and as I recalled you looked pretty good to me, maybe I'm suffering from CRS but didn't I comment and say you look great?
Quote from: Shantel on August 08, 2014, 12:12:06 PM
Rightly so! I thought you had put a photo of yourself up and as I recalled you looked pretty good to me, maybe I'm suffering from CRS but didn't I comment and say you look great?
Thanks. I know I have a long way to go, and I still haven't started HRT. I'm trying to stay positive before then, but it isn't easy. I need to talk to more positive people.
Quote from: Eevee on August 08, 2014, 12:21:42 PM
Thanks. I know I have a long way to go, and I still haven't started HRT. I'm trying to stay positive before then, but it isn't easy. I need to talk to more positive people.
Put that fellow on your short list for DELETE!
Well, looks like laser isn't getting done. The only close-ish place that does laser doesn't have techs in for it on Tuesdays, the only day my grandparents ever go down to that town. They don't seem to want to let me to go that far myself.
I also just called my doctor, and she left for a month's vacation last night; she won't be able to fill out the form for California or a new passport until early September :(
This is going to be an issue with the job application. I need a valid passport, and if I don't have my legal gender changed, even though they're hiring from California and New York, two states (the former definitely yes, the latter I think so) with protection from discrimination of gender identity in employment, they're a foreign company, so I don't know how they'll feel about that.
If I don't get that job, I don't know what I'll do. After October, there's nothing up here, my grandparents will only put up with me for so long, and with the kind of jobs I am eligible to work, there's always long lines for openings and I can't afford to live by myself. My dad said I could live with him, but finding a job opening in the Boston area will be crazy hard. Same with a friend in Oakland (who I'd live with if I got the job in SF.) Other than that, I don't know who would be willing to take me in without being able to contribute much.
Quote from: Emily.T on August 08, 2014, 08:42:16 AM
I was in a nearby town doing some shopping and was told by some idiots that it would be better for the world if I just killed myself then later in the afternoon I was refused by my wife to talk with my younger daughter again I am just so sick of ppls crap I'm starting to wonder if it's all worth it.
Follow your advice to Jenny07 and
"NO NO NO NO DON'T EVEN THINK THAT."
Son of a freaking *******! >:(
I have never in my life been SO disrespected over being called sir. I explained what to call me, but don't call me sir. Throughout the whole freaking call the supervisor disrespected me countless times while saying sir in nearly every sentence. At the end of the call I told him I didn't appreciate him calling me sir when I asked him not to 3-4 times already and he went on how "oh I'll take your "opinion" and "consider" it when talking to my customers. What a freaking *******! >:( It's NOT an opinion, it's a FACT! Look up the freaking word of what respect and disrespect in the dictionary means you moron! >:(
I was SO MAD (and still am) that I asked him if there was any type of way for me to express my complaints and besides him and a "possible" email survey, he said there wasn't. Grr!
Quote from: YinYanga on August 08, 2014, 09:01:35 AM
Yuk, nasty people...hate them too even though I havent had things hurled at me for well a very long time..I wonder if people think I pass or just dont feel like saying it directly to me. I think the latter
Are you not allowed to talk with your daughter about your gender identity or just in general. I can understand it a little if she worries about the first, even if its usually harmless
Hope you have a good weekend to make up for it
My xwife is using my daughter as a tool to make me miserable she knows that I enjoy chatting with her and that both my daughters support my transition which annoys her even more I am just being punished for my so called life choices. What's a girl supposed to do
I bought some underwear in my normal size but it's way too small.. Not because I gained any weight, it was just different sizing for that brand.
I broke my brother-in-law's 3 in 1 car charger so I had to buy him another one. $2.67 out of my pocket -sigh-
I should have just taken the bus home (sister took me home)
I failed my CDL driving test. I re-test on tuesday, so long as I have $100 to do it. I've kept up my nonchalant appearance but inside I am heartbroken.
UPDATE!
JUSTICE PREVIELS!
So after I got off the phone and typed this post up, I decided to call the place back and ask someone else to transfer me to and give me a number to their complaint department. Sure enough, the super visor HAD lied to me. So I called that number and spoke to an employee there who since he couldn't do anything, I spoke to his super visor and she was very kind, apologized for what had happened and documented and such the incident and assured me two time she would make sure this got to her superior and that my complaint wouldn't go unheard and that they would contact the super visor who was SOO disrespectful to me and all for what? Over my preference of asking not to be called a pronoun but by my "legal" name? No effort at all from the jerk. Boy and this was just my legal name. (which is disrespectful to me anyway but, I'd rather not have to explain I'm trans to them)
Quote from: Rainbow Brite on August 08, 2014, 06:17:55 PM
I failed my CDL driving test. I re-test on tuesday, so long as I have $100 to do it. I've kept up my nonchalant appearance but inside I am heartbroken.
I'm still proud of you. <3 It sounds like you just have major test anxiety, since you absolutely aced your classes. Maybe you could talk to your instructor about it and see if they have any tips?
I just learned the term "gaslighting" from Edge. That's a useful word that fortunately doesn't describe anything I deal with in my life right now, but the behavior it describes is one I'm familiar with and I hate that anybody is dealing with it.
What made me unhappy today was my roommate being in a bad mood. He got over whatever it was and seemed fine before he went to bed, but the time he was sullen and snippy really got to my daughter. Anytime anyone has visible feelings she believes she caused them. I couldn't convince her that his moodiness was probably related to his own life or that it's okay to not try to make him feel better. She tried to cheer him up by telling him about how her praying mantis ate a cricket and then she hid in her room when he didn't care. :(
My dad telling me "f___ y__" at me after I was upset about him yelling at some other driver on the road.
Quote from: Hyacinth on August 09, 2014, 03:40:57 AM
My dad tell saying "f___ y__" at me after I was upset about him yelling at some other driver on the road.
A nice double punch of insomnia and, when I finally got to sleep, waking up twice with nightmares. Yeah...not fun. :o
TW: top surgery; cancer
Forgot to mention this the other day: I've got hypertrophic scars from my top surgery, and when I went to get my latest hormone shot from the nurse she tried to offer me some helpful advice for dealing with the scars, which was nice of her. She suggested a couple of things I've already tried... but it was the way she talked about it that upset me.
She said she was offering these suggestions because she has a friend who 'also had a mastectomy'.
Um.
Please don't use the word 'mastectomy' with a trans guy; it can be very triggering. Particularly with a trans guy whose mother died from breast cancer after having had two actual mastectomies. Yes, I know that 'mastectomy' is the correct medical term for that particular procedure, but I don't want to be reminded about what used to be on my chest and why I had to undergo this procedure. Nor do I want those sad memories of my mother to be triggered by thinking about the probable reason why your friend 'also had a mastectomy'.
It's top surgery. Or chest surgery. Or heck, just surgery. But please, don't refer to it as a mastectomy. :'(
I received a few compliments anonymously lately and well while I appreciate what they were trying to do, all I could think of was "no don't waste that compliment on me, give it to someone who deserves it." I just seem to not be able to take compliments. While I do not know if it was all the same person or a couple of people or a different person each time but yeah I just can't seem yo accept compliments good intentions aside. I tend to just feel guilty over not being able to accept them and also feeling that I am not anything like "cute, cutie, mega cutie or beautiful" and that I am taking a compliment away from someone who is and deserves it. I know I am being silly but that is kind of who I have always been, unable to take compliments and not believing in myself.
Quote from: Charley Bea(EmeraldP) on August 09, 2014, 10:32:05 AM
I received a few compliments anonymously lately and well while I appreciate what they were trying to do, all I could think of was "no don't waste that compliment on me, give it to someone who deserves it." I just seem to not be able to take compliments. While I do not know if it was all the same person or a couple of people or a different person each time but yeah I just can't seem yo accept compliments good intentions aside. I tend to just feel guilty over not being able to accept them and also feeling that I am not anything like "cute, cutie, mega cutie or beautiful" and that I am taking a compliment away from someone who is and deserves it. I know I am being silly but that is kind of who I have always been, unable to take compliments and not believing in myself.
I know how you feel. I'm the same way when people compliment me. :/
Quote from: Rainbow Brite on August 08, 2014, 06:17:55 PM
I failed my CDL driving test.
Airbrake portion? If so don't feel alone. I passed it on try two myself. :)
Quote from: Wynternight on August 09, 2014, 12:16:46 PM
I know how you feel. I'm the same way when people compliment me. :/
Not much fun is it? :(
Quote from: FTMDiaries on August 09, 2014, 09:23:33 AM
TW: top surgery; cancer
Forgot to mention this the other day: I've got hypertrophic scars from my top surgery, and when I went to get my latest hormone shot from the nurse she tried to offer me some helpful advice for dealing with the scars, which was nice of her. She suggested a couple of things I've already tried... but it was the way she talked about it that upset me.
She said she was offering these suggestions because she has a friend who 'also had a mastectomy'.
Um.
Please don't use the word 'mastectomy' with a trans guy; it can be very triggering. Particularly with a trans guy whose mother died from breast cancer after having had two actual mastectomies. Yes, I know that 'mastectomy' is the correct medical term for that particular procedure, but I don't want to be reminded about what used to be on my chest and why I had to undergo this procedure. Nor do I want those sad memories of my mother to be triggered by thinking about the probable reason why your friend 'also had a mastectomy'.
It's top surgery. Or chest surgery. Or heck, just surgery. But please, don't refer to it as a mastectomy. :'(
I'm sorry man, both about your mom and about her choice of word. For me, mastectomy just sounds female, but I don't know if that's only how I feel or what. I forget what my surgeon calls the procedure, he doesn't use top surgery but he uses the term bilateral something or other.
Depression.
There are so many things to be grateful for and about, and some make me happy (including recently) but, this damned depression is bad.. it, isn't easy.. :( (Thank God for music and conversations with friends online, helps some)
I just wish this depression would leave me alone for good. :( It's already affecting my will to do stuff..
Quote from: birkin on August 09, 2014, 02:18:07 PM
I'm sorry man, both about your mom and about her choice of word. For me, mastectomy just sounds female, but I don't know if that's only how I feel or what. I forget what my surgeon calls the procedure, he doesn't use top surgery but he uses the term bilateral something or other.
Thanks Birkin. I feel the same way about the word. My surgeon and the GIC have been very considerate about not using the term, but the nurse kinda blundered into it. Bleh.
3 hours sleep
Today I said goodbye to a co worker in the city. I only ever saw her when I had to transfer stock between venues and Melbourne Cup day when we worked together. We spent most of the time when we where ever together talking with only slightly working.
I came in today she teared up almost started to cry, I got upset now it has hit me I won't be working with her again. Right now I'm hugging Dopey trying not to cry
My boobs feel so damn ugly today... Can't wait for that BA.
I got a bad haircut and I feel like I am too hideous to show my face to other people.
I got harassed by a thug on the train. I was too tired to stand up for myself.
Quote from: birkin on August 10, 2014, 06:18:57 PM
I got a bad haircut and I feel like I am too hideous to show my face to other people.
I don't think there is a hideous guy haircut, maybe dorky but not hideous. It's hair, it will grow out and you get another chance, so it's not the end of the world.
Quote from: birkin on August 10, 2014, 06:18:57 PM
I got harassed by a thug on the train. I was too tired to stand up for myself.
OK now that really sucks, is there no security on the train? Email me and tell me what happened, you don't have to take any crap from anyone, let's work through it.
My heart is broken. I lost a friend. Unhappy isn't the right word.
Quote from: Jen on August 10, 2014, 06:57:52 PM
My heart is broken. I lost a friend. Unhappy isn't the right word.
Cyber hugs to you sweetheart, this has been tough on everyone. I had talked to Nero on the phone for an hour about a week before this tragedy happened.
Quote from: Shantel on August 10, 2014, 07:02:35 PM
Cyber hugs to you sweetheart, this has been tough on everyone. I had talked to Nero on the phone for an hour about a week before this tragedy happened.
I'm so sorry :(
Quote from: birkin on August 10, 2014, 06:18:57 PMI got harassed by a thug on the train. I was too tired to stand up for myself.
Trains these days... Are you okay? I got stalked by some creepy ->-bleeped-<- yesterday. He wouldn't take no for an answer, even after I had fallen asleep. I hate that he's probably at home feeling good about himself, while he ruined my day and I'm still feeling like ->-bleeped-<-.
Dad's on a bender yet again.
Two more shifts and I leave my city venue for the last time. Trying not cry on the train ride home right now, didn't relies how much I would miss the place.
Shupid hormones so good but right now I'm blaming the 'e'
Stupid work politics. Seriously, can't everyone just get along in some kind of mature adult way instead of acting like bloody five year olds?? :icon_chainsaw: :eusa_wall:
Quote from: immortal gypsy on August 11, 2014, 05:42:31 AM
Shupid hormones so good but right now I'm blaming the 'e'
Yep, that'll get the water works going no problem!
Got the cold from hell, streaming, headache sore throat, shaking, temperature spikes.
I feel like crap
Procastrinating start of the week...not happy with that :-\
Cindy , hope you get better very soon *sending E-smoothie*
Awkward feelings of loneliness, difficulty eating and/or sleeping
I have a pounding migraine that started up yesterday afternoon and just won't let me go.
Quote from: Cindy on August 11, 2014, 06:14:33 AM
Got the cold from hell, streaming, headache sore throat, shaking, temperature spikes.
I feel like crap
Sorry to hear that Cindy I hope you feel better soon
A man was shot and they put road blocks up making it difficult to get home or leave. It involved a local officer. I don't have all the details.
Lap top died now 6 hellish days a week become much worse
Quote from: LordKAT on August 11, 2014, 08:55:25 AM
A man was shot and they put road blocks up making it difficult to get home or leave. It involved a local officer. I don't have all the details.
Wow that must be pretty scary for you with it being so close to home I hope that you can get your freedom back soon xx
Quote from: Emily.T on August 11, 2014, 09:03:44 AM
Wow that must be pretty scary for you with it being so close to home I hope that you can get your freedom back soon xx
Scary? No. A bit thought provoking but that is about it. Road blocks went down finally and the TV news hasn't added much detail. I'll read the paper later.
I ran out of estrodiol the other day. Until I can get insurance, I can't afford to see my doctor to renew my prescription.
It's just getting harder and harder to keep smiling these days.
So many things have upset me today...
Robin Williams' death, thinking about a favourite character of mine that's dead (fictional, but it still hits home), that I'm starting school pretty soon and I don't like the program I chose to be in, and I miss my friends so much. I haven't seen them in a while, and I'm feeling really lonely :'(
Me too Jay. His passing hit me surprisingly hard. I guess since I grew up starting out watching Mork and Mindy then so many great films and appearances following. He shot the film RV in my hometown and though I never met him, the few acquaintances I knew that had could vouch for how warm and genuine a person he was.
Quote from: whatever on August 11, 2014, 08:38:40 PM
Me too Jay. His passing hit me surprisingly hard. I guess since I grew up starting out watching Mork and Mindy then so many great films and appearances following. He shot the film RV in my hometown and though I never met him, the few acquaintances I knew that had could vouch for how warm and genuine a person he was.
I remember watching a lot of movies with him in them growing up. He always looked so happy, and that smile of his seemed to rub off on those around him. He may be gone, but he will be remembered and missed dearly! I feel so sad over his passing...I can't even begin to imagine what his family is going through. R.I.P.
I've put my back out again, feels like someone stabbed me right between the shoulder blades :P Makes it difficult to get much sleep
Lost my razor, now I'm using my backup, which is terrible. My face is so rough, I can't shave cleanly.
Unfortunately the place that does laser about an hour away doesn't do it on Tuesdays, and that's the only day my grandmother ever goes down there, once a month at most.
Also not looking at taking time off from work to go down. I need all the hours that I can get.
That moment when you though nothing could gross you out again and got debunked instantly. I need to stop visiting that website. Usually I end up laughing, but this time it was too much (Extreme body mods)
If you're offended by me, please leave my store and say nothing, don't spit religious banter at me.
Thank you very much.
My mother is a *guitar riff*ing c*guitar riff*t.
Still having those disgusting male things.
My period is on.
In process of moving for the second time in less than a year. Packing ssuuuuuuuuucks.
Being triggered by a binarist comment. I knew that I shouldn't react, but it went right through my defences. Memo to self - do better, try not to take comments too personally
My GP won't write a referral to my usual therapist and wants me to see one of her preference and has already sent a referral to them(time to shut down again I guess), also got a confirmation for the referral to a cardiologist that she sent last week and also had a blood test for something called bronze diabetes....Can today be over already?
Quote from: Mellysia on August 13, 2014, 02:05:59 AM
In process of moving for the second time in less than a year. Packing ssuuuuuuuuucks.
Unpacking is even more ssuuuuuuuuucks. ;)
barbie~~
Quote from: Charley Bea(EmeraldP) on August 13, 2014, 07:26:33 AM
My GP won't write a referral to my usual therapist and wants me to see one of her preference and has already sent a referral to them(time to shut down again I guess), also got a confirmation for the referral to a cardiologist that she sent last week and also had a blood test for something called bronze diabetes....Can today be over already?
Haemochromatosis or iron overload. Good news is it can cause a tan and testicular failure. The treatment is bloodletting. Bring in the leeches!!!
Yes, m'lady - we need to get your humours balanced. We shall have to leech you until the ill humours are gone.
Quote from: Wynternight on August 13, 2014, 01:30:39 PM
Haemochromatosis or iron overload. Good news is it can cause a tan and testicular failure. The treatment is bloodletting. Bring in the leeches!!!
Yes, m'lady - we need to get your humours balanced. We shall have to leech you until the ill humours are gone.
That was it, couldn't remember the technical name so just went with what she referred to it as. Yup two blood tests now that she had me get for unrelated things had my iron levels too high so joy had to have another blood test. I don't really want a tan though lol. The other thing is good with me. XD
Bring on the leeches and not of the money taking kind. :P
I feel like I may puke at some point today. I have bad heartburn, bad appetite, and stomach cramps.
People that are either overly aggressive and/or not paying attention when they drive >:( Nearly got mowed down at an intersection buy a huge full size SUV truck on my way to the store, they didn't slow down or nothin'
I found the truck in the grocery parking lot, wrote down the licence plate and called in a complaint into the police this time... I'm tired of this kind of irresponsible crap on the streets around here >:( People need to wise up and take responsibility when they get behind the wheel of a vehicle
Anyhow, that's my gripe
Quote from: V M on August 14, 2014, 05:18:35 AM
People that are either overly aggressive and/or not paying attention when they drive >:( Nearly got mowed down at an intersection buy a huge full size SUV truck on my way to the store, they didn't slow down or nothin'
I found the truck in the grocery parking lot, wrote down the licence plate and called in a complaint into the police this time... I'm tired of this kind of irresponsible crap on the streets around here >:( People need to wise up and take responsibility when they get behind the wheel of a vehicle
Anyhow, that's my gripe
You did the right thing! I called in the state patrol on two tractor-trailer rigs drag racing up the fast lanes of Interstate 5 tailgating cars and forcing them to move to the right. They got pinched a few miles up the highway.
Have to get my third new phone in two months. Shattered the screen on this one dropping it on a carpeted floor. I just can't win at anything:'(
Had the job trial today but I don't think it's right for me and he's trying to find the right fit still since one of the coworkers said the chiropractor is still interviewing. I don't think I can handle seeing a boatload of patients while handling other unknown work for 9-10 hours and I've been told that I need to smile more. I wish I can be more of an extrovert...
I said such a dumb ass thing to my boss. -_- Foot in mouth, big time.
Quote from: birkin on August 14, 2014, 09:24:53 PM
I said such a dumb ass thing to my boss. -_- Foot in mouth, big time.
What happened? D:
PM'd you about it lol.
This is the whiniest first world problem ever, but I keep trying to do "fun" things on the internet and it keeps going badly. Cheezburger and tickld are full of casual nastiness, and youtube comments are no different than they've always been but I keep forgetting not to look, and after a month away from world of warcraft I'm no longer inured to the triggers in trade chat or the crappy behavior of random players. I just want to look at grammar-challenged kittens and kill digital dragons without choking on my pounding heart.
Quote from: V M on August 12, 2014, 08:55:06 AM
I've put my back out again, feels like someone stabbed me right between the shoulder blades :P Makes it difficult to get much sleep
Would a virtual back rub help?
Quote from: Felix on August 14, 2014, 10:57:25 PM
This is the whiniest first world problem ever, but I keep trying to do "fun" things on the internet and it keeps going badly. Cheezburger and tickld are full of casual nastiness, and youtube comments are no different than they've always been but I keep forgetting not to look, and after a month away from world of warcraft I'm no longer inured to the triggers in trade chat or the crappy behavior of random players. I just want to look at grammar-challenged kittens and kill digital dragons without choking on my pounding heart.
Interaction in WoW can be pretty awful for your sanity, ive been there too :p
Quote from: LordKAT on August 15, 2014, 07:12:07 AM
Would a virtual back rub help?
Thanks LordKat, but I have actual spinal injuries so it goes a bit beyond that, the fact that I'm not confined to to a wheelchair or a quad is a miracle in itself
But thanks for your offer anyway
Hugs
Quote from: V M on August 15, 2014, 07:48:48 AM
Thanks LordKat, but I have actual spinal injuries so it goes a bit beyond that, the fact that I'm not confined to to a wheelchair or a quad is a miracle in itself
But thanks for your offer anyway
Hugs
Wish I knew of a way to help. Back pain is no stranger to me but what you have sounds much worse.
No worries, I'll be okay
Quote from: RockerGirl on August 14, 2014, 03:59:12 PM
Have to get my third new phone in two months. Shattered the screen on this one dropping it on a carpeted floor. I just can't win at anything:'(
My neighbor who is a techie has been raving about his new phone with free phone service, he pays just $4 a month for voicemail, but there are other options. I've been supporting a well known wireless company for years and am seriously considering going this route instead. Check it out!
http://www.freedompop.com/
Itchy skin and rash from electrode bracelet. >:( Very annoying. But 3 more hrs of electro completed and approx 900 hairs permanently removed. :D
More nasty rain and humidity/moisture has aggravated my back, neck, Right Hip, and other injuries causing pain and sciatica too intense for my pain med's to touch. So I'm in a little bit of pain right now hurting. Taking an extra pill won't work, and I'll just waste it.
Worse, my job that is supposed to come in shortly may not show in this rain. He hasn't yet. I haven't written him off but I doubt he'll show in this crap. I was so excited yesterday only to have this happen.....
Ali :icon_flower:
Quote from: Allyda on August 15, 2014, 01:18:10 PM
More nasty rain and humidity/moisture has aggravated my back, neck, Right Hip, and other injuries causing pain and sciatica too intense for my pain med's to touch. So I'm in a little bit of pain right now hurting. Taking an extra pill won't work
Worse, my job that is supposed to come in shortly may not show in this rain.
Ali :icon_flower:
Not fun, hang in there Allyda!
Allyda
My posting is trivial next to your post. I am not good with intense pain and severe sciatic pain is right up there with the worst that I have experienced. Hope you find relief and your job arrives even with the rain
Be well
Aisla
@Shantel: Thanks, I appreciate your comment and will do my best to remain high spirited. Also thanks for the link. I'm always looking for better phone deals.
@Aisla: Nobodys post is trivial hun. But I do appreciate your concern. I'll just have to take it easy today and hope this toothache running up and down my left leg(sciatica) quits throbbing soon.
900 hairs permanently removed in about 3 hours? That's good to hear. That means the white hairs I have left can be cleared for the most part in one to two sessions. Sorry to hear about the itching and rash though. But look at it this way, your one step closer to being free of those repulsive evil disgusting facial hairs! I'd put up with an entire day of itching all over to get rid of mine, lol!
Ali :icon_flower:
Quote from: Aisla on August 15, 2014, 10:27:22 AM
Itchy skin and rash from electrode bracelet. >:( Very annoying. But 3 more hrs of electro completed and approx 900 hairs permanently removed. :D
...I am curious, how many hairs does the human body have that would need to be removed? (Not counting hair on top/back of head & private area in front)
Good question as fine hair is hard to discern and I have not seen any numbers. But based on my experience, for my face and neck ( if I don't include laser and blend electro (given potential re growth), and just count the galvanic electro I have had the equivalent of 43 three hour sessions on my face and neck - which would mean (assuming no re growth) approximately 39 000 hairs have been permanently removed. If I make an allowance for another 9 hours of touch up during the next and following growth cycles it would be close to 42 000 hairs removed
My face had a pretty thick beard. At 56, T had certainly had time to do its worst. :(
Given math isn't my strongest suit, has anyone else done a similar calculation?
Aisla
Stressed as hell. Two weeks till this surgery don't want to be out of work for 6 months :(
Quote from: Allyda on August 15, 2014, 01:18:10 PM
More nasty rain and humidity/moisture has aggravated my back, neck, Right Hip, and other injuries causing pain and sciatica too intense for my pain med's to touch. So I'm in a little bit of pain right now hurting. Taking an extra pill won't work, and I'll just waste it.
Worse, my job that is supposed to come in shortly may not show in this rain. He hasn't yet. I haven't written him off but I doubt he'll show in this crap. I was so excited yesterday only to have this happen.....
Ali :icon_flower:
Oh my poor Allyda I hope everything turns around soon if I was there I would give you a big hug to help you feel better but seen as I'm not this will have to do. HUGS
Besides the thesis stress and job stress (well, the stress of having two jobs rather)...I got to thinking depressing things about my body and well now that's just peachy ain't it.
Quote from: birkin on August 15, 2014, 08:53:12 PM
Besides the thesis stress and job stress (well, the stress of having two jobs rather)...I got to thinking depressing things about my body and well now that's just peachy ain't it.
Hmmmm If I had two jobs and was working on my thesis I don't think there would be any time left for thinking about my body which has become entirely too chunky as of late. TMI anyway Blergh!
Well the money from the job is going towards solving at least the chest issue, but I do have to ensure that I make healthy choices too lol. Hasn't been much time for that, but it is easier to eat better at work because a lot of the clients are diabetic and so the fridge has only healthy foods. Most of which are kind of gross actually unless you're a great cook.
I don't really know, I seem to not really have any feelings for anything or anyone anymore.
Quote from: Emily.T on August 15, 2014, 08:40:03 PM
Oh my poor Allyda I hope everything turns around soon if I was there I would give you a big hug to help you feel better but seen as I'm not this will have to do. HUGS
Thanks, the pain hasn't subsided much but my job did call and reschedule for tomorrow so that's something anyway. Hopefully, it won't rain tomorrow and I'll feel better.
Ali :icon_flower:
Roommate being a moody jerk. He's never not been a moody jerk, but sometimes I get in a good mood and forget to be ready for his stuff.
I had to leave the Pride festivities early and they weren't very much fun because my son was cranky.
I got a letter from my adopted Mom today stating how displeased she is with my transition, and how displeased God is with me for not just accepting my being born IS with the wrong parts. I'm hearing again how God doesn't make mistakes, yada, yada, yada. I won't lie these comments hurt coming from her, for she's known about my birth defects also how I felt and who I am, a girl/woman, since she adopted me. Despite the fact I do love her, I've long since accepted we'll never have the mother/daughter relationship I'd hoped for upon my coming back to Florida in 2004. I just wish she'd stop with the derogative comments in her letters. I've waited long enough to be whole and I'm finally happy. And nothing is gonna change that. So I'm a little down over this, but I will get over it.
Ali :icon_flower:
Alyda
This sort of ongoing treatment from a mother is unacceptable. Have you, respectfully or otherwise, pushed back? Does she know she is hurting you and driving you both apart? Does she care?
How invested in, or how necessary, is this relationship? Given everything else that you have to deal with, do you need this in your life?
Sorry about the rant, but your post really annoyed me. I should have learned by now not to comment or even try to understand another's relationships.
Be well. I am sorry if I was out of line.
Safe travels
Quote from: Aisla on August 16, 2014, 05:41:36 PM
Alyda
This sort of ongoing treatment from a mother is unacceptable. Have you, respectfully or otherwise, pushed back? Does she know she is hurting you and driving you both apart? Does she care?
How invested in, or how necessary, is this relationship? Given everything else that you have to deal with, do you need this in your life?
Sorry about the rant, but your post really annoyed me. I should have learned by now not to comment or even try to understand another's relationships.
Be well. I am sorry if I was out of line.
Safe travels
No, no not in any way are you out of line, and I really appreciate your concern. Her letter really annoyed me too. This past Christmas, when she sent things they were woman's things. Which was a big change for her. So I was hoping that finally after all these years she'd come around. I lost my biological Mom who never pushed gender issues with me, when I was six. I was adopted after a year and a half of floating from family to family out on the rez, when I was 7 & 1/2 nearly 8.
Many of us long for a supportive mother, and a mother/daughter relationship. There were times when she and I were close, but not many. To answer your question, the relationship is more of a want, or longing for it rather than being absolutely necessary. And I've done without it this long. She'll be 80 this coming December and isn't in the greatest health, and won't be around much longer. I guess I'm just hoping for something that can never be.
Again, thanks Aisla very much for your concern. I welcome your advice and opinion. In fact, what my adopted mom ad I have now, just sending letters back and forth, can be carried out long distance. Which is why after my SRS and I'm healed enough, I'll be making a change. I'm moving back out west where I'm from, and I'm much happier. Something I should have done long ago.
Ali :icon_flower:
The UFC Prelim fight between Lauren Murphy and Sarah McMann......I wanted Lauren to win.
I am still incapable of believing that someone could care about me. It just doesn't compute.
Quote from: Edge on August 16, 2014, 11:30:48 PM
I am still incapable of believing that someone could care about me. It just doesn't compute.
Why wouldn't anyone care about you edge your a person like the rest of us and from your posts you seem like a nice enough person you shouldn't be so hard on yourself
Quote from: Emily.T on August 17, 2014, 07:30:18 AM
Why wouldn't anyone care about you edge your a person like the rest of us and from your posts you seem like a nice enough person you shouldn't be so hard on yourself
Funny thing is I know exactly why someone would. For some reason it still doesn't compute that someone does.
Quote from: Edge on August 16, 2014, 11:30:48 PM
I am still incapable of believing that someone could care about me. It just doesn't compute.
I can understand that. People, other than my wife, have not really cared about me either.
I just got up and not but a few minutes later, my nose starts to bleed. It happened so randomly and so fast and from so deep within the nose too that I wasn't sure if it was blood at first or not but it felt different. It didn't seem to keep bleeding either after that one big drip. This is scaring me and upsetting me, never have I had a nose bleed like that before, did what I could, just hoping it doesn't come back. :(
On top of it all, for 20-25 days now, with only about 5 of those days it not happening and the other 3 days it happening at night, I have been feeling like I'm going to puke, the antacid is helping but only so much. Going to need to see a doc about it and the nose bleed too. (Hopefully the latter won't happen again though)
Sorry if this grossed anyone out, I'm just very sad by this. :(
Quote from: Shana-chan on August 17, 2014, 01:06:56 PM
I just got up and not but a few minutes later, my nose starts to bleed. It happened so randomly and so fast and from so deep within the nose too that I wasn't sure if it was blood at first or not but it felt different. It didn't seem to keep bleeding either after that one big drip. This is scaring me and upsetting me, never have I had a nose bleed like that before, did what I could, just hoping it doesn't come back. :(
On top of it all, for 20-25 days now, with only about 5 of those days it not happening and the other 3 days it happening at night, I have been feeling like I'm going to puke, the antacid is helping but only so much. Going to need to see a doc about it and the nose bleed too. (Hopefully the latter won't happen again though)
Sorry if this grossed anyone out, I'm just very sad by this. :(
Doesn't sound good, go see the doctor and perhaps in the meantime you could drop by the local pharmacy and check your blood pressure.
Actually last night, I watched the 'Wheel of Fortune' game-show with one of my elderly neighbors (the lady I help with locking up at night) Mid way though the show another neighbor ladies shows up with her dog... Okay, no problem
After the game-show my friend and I were joking around about the show... Suddenly out of the blue the lady with the dog starts pointing and yelling "You lie!!! you lie!!!"
My friend and I both looked at her shocked like "what the hecks?" So I just told her that we were joking around about the game like we usually do and she just responded with "Oh" and walked away
We know that she is heavily medicated and drinks a lot of vodka as well so we just kinda blew it off to that
But still, it was a pretty disturbing and awkward situation that I really didn't appreciate very much :P
Having to text my sister that I can make it to the women's conference our church is having Friday because my boss changed my schedule and I'll be working when it's going on. I told her I had to work Saturday, but could come Friday unless the schedule changed, and it did.
My former employer is settling. Not as much as we thought but it will help.
The mother of one of my Mom's friends died today. Her friend is more of an honorary aunt to me since she's known me all of my life. I knew that her mother wasn't in the best of health. But, I didn't think she was in as bad shape as she was, I guess. But I didn't see her that often. I guess the funeral is going to be some time this week. I really hate going to funerals but I have to be there. It would be wrong not to go.
It just sucks.
Quote from: Laura Squirrel on August 18, 2014, 01:06:03 PM
The mother of one of my Mom's friends died today. Her friend is more of an honorary aunt to me since she's known me all of my life. I knew that her mother wasn't in the best of health. But, I didn't think she was in as bad shape as she was, I guess. But I didn't see her that often. I guess the funeral is going to be some time this week. I really hate going to funerals but I have to be there. It would be wrong not to go.
It just sucks.
Cyber hugs girlfriend!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimagizer.imageshack.us%2Fv2%2Fxq90%2F836%2F5rx4.jpg&hash=1153c28f767dcc06989daddb5812f57c2eec72c0) (https://imageshack.com/i/n85rx4j)
Thanks. :icon_hug:
I can't connect my PS3 to the internet. After over an hour of failed attempts to get it back online with my ISP, they said I'd have to call my router company to fix it, so I called them. The warranty on it is expired so they can't fix it over the phone unless I extend the warranty......UUUUUUGGGGGH!!!!! It might just be cheaper and better to get another router, but that still extra money I'd have to spend.
Friday was my birthday and I had long standing plans to get together for dinner with an old friend. A few hours before we're due to meet she sends me a text that her training is going late and she won't be able to make it. We're both nurses so I know how this goes. I asked her to send me a message if she gets off in time so we can just meet since we haven't seen each other in months.
I decided to go to Denny's for dinner and made a stop at Fred Meyers to grab something for desert and what do I see? My friend who'se too busy to take me to the dinner she promised me weeks before, picking up meal type items. I didn't even say anything, I just walked away without her seeing me. 45 minutes later she texts me and tells me she's just getting out of training and is too tired and drained to get together. I was so upset I just went home and went to bed. She was one of my closest friends, one of the first when I moved to Alaska and someone I always thought I could trust and she lied to me - not one but twice. To say I was devastated is an understatement. It really put a bad spin on my whole weekend and confirmed for me that I simply cannot trust people. What a ->-bleeped-<-ty way to spend a birthday.
Quote from: Laura Squirrel on August 18, 2014, 01:06:03 PM
The mother of one of my Mom's friends died today. Her friend is more of an honorary aunt to me since she's known me all of my life. I knew that her mother wasn't in the best of health. But, I didn't think she was in as bad shape as she was, I guess. But I didn't see her that often. I guess the funeral is going to be some time this week. I really hate going to funerals but I have to be there. It would be wrong not to go.
It just sucks.
Oh my gosh Laura I'm so so sooo sorry to hear about this. You OK hun? If you need to talk or something I'm here just so ya know.
@Winter: I'm very sorry to hear about this happening to you on your birthday of all days. I wish you all my best in moving on from this.
Ali
Quote from: Allyda on August 18, 2014, 11:02:43 PM
Oh my gosh Laura I'm so so sooo sorry to hear about this. You OK hun? If you need to talk or something I'm here just so ya know.
Yeah, I'm okay. It just hit me kind of hard when I heard the news since I wasn't expecting it.
It seems no one has a problem at work breaking the compliance rules so as to satisfy a client I look after who bullies and treats us like dirt.
We have large financial fines to pay back the client when we make errors which makes it worse.
We are being asked, no told, to act without valid and proper instructions to do things that the client can then potentially claim credits for.
And people wonder how huge amounts of money can be misappropriated in finance. Just due to people unwilling to speak up. Not me.
I seem to be the only one who seems to understand the magnitude of the issue yet the client service people side with the client and don't care as it is more work for them. Management seems mesmerised and unwilling to understand the real significance of the problem.
Tomorrow I am going directly to our risk team who will have kittens when they find out what is going on.
Things will change and fast.
I have worked in places before where if you acted on a non valid instruction you were sacked...
I think I have steamed up the windows as I vent...
Missing Nero a lot.
Quote from: Jenny07 on August 19, 2014, 03:45:42 AM
It seems no one has a problem at work breaking the compliance rules so as to satisfy a client I look after who bullies and treats us like dirt.
We have large financial fines to pay back the client when we make errors which makes it worse.
We are being asked, no told, to act without valid and proper instructions to do things that the client can then potentially claim credits for.
And people wonder how huge amounts of money can be misappropriated in finance. Just due to people unwilling to speak up. Not me.
I seem to be the only one who seems to understand the magnitude of the issue yet the client service people side with the client and don't care as it is more work for them. Management seems mesmerised and unwilling to understand the real significance of the problem.
Tomorrow I am going directly to our risk team who will have kittens when they find out what is going on.
Things will change and fast.
I have worked in places before where if you acted on a non valid instruction you were sacked...
I think I have steamed up the windows as I vent...
Good for you, it seems as if there are no scruples anymore anywhere!
Quote from: Jill F on August 19, 2014, 04:12:01 AM
Missing Nero a lot.
A lot of us are Jill. I'm right there with ya!
Ali :icon_flower:
Losing the money at the casino tonight. I should have walked away before that.
Quote from: EvanAidan on August 19, 2014, 11:14:09 PM
Losing the money at the casino tonight. I should have walked away before that.
Gambling is extremely addictive, and can ruin anybody whether he/she is rich or poor.
The only solution is to find another exciting task, even though it is not so much thrilling as gambling.
barbie~~
Quote from: King Malachite on August 18, 2014, 03:07:15 PM
I can't connect my PS3 to the internet. After over an hour of failed attempts to get it back online with my ISP, they said I'd have to call my router company to fix it, so I called them. The warranty on it is expired so they can't fix it over the phone unless I extend the warranty......UUUUUUGGGGGH!!!!! It might just be cheaper and better to get another router, but that still extra money I'd have to spend.
Maybe if the warranty has expired the contract has too?
I am assuming that u are in the US. I know here in the uk if ure contract with the internet company has expired and something like that happens u can ring them n go to the retentions department and say u are thinking about leaving and going with a new company ( who normally supply the routers free) as ure router is broken and u can't afford a new one and they may send u a new one out but just make u renew ure contract with them for another 12 months or whatever it is
Hope that makes sense n u know what I mean?
Might be worth a try
It's not really an addiction. I'll go out like once every month or so take 40 with me then quit when I lose it, but yes your right. My fiancé and I are looking for new stuff to do rather than that.
My ex is acting sketchy and asking for my tax information.
Stopping HRT =(
I am sure I'll fell terrible the next days, with zero energy...
But it is for the greater good...FFS September 5th! =)
Quote from: Natalia on August 20, 2014, 02:10:30 PM
Stopping HRT =(
I am sure I'll fell terrible the next days, with zero energy...
But it is for the greater good...FFS September 5th! =)
Did they say you had to stop HRT for FFS? I know that for GRS they sometimes do if you're going to be immobile for a length of time on account clotting concerns. Wishing you well with that too, you're already very attractive so you have a jump on it.
Quote from: King Malachite on August 18, 2014, 03:07:15 PM
I can't connect my PS3 to the internet. After over an hour of failed attempts to get it back online with my ISP, they said I'd have to call my router company to fix it, so I called them. The warranty on it is expired so they can't fix it over the phone unless I extend the warranty......UUUUUUGGGGGH!!!!! It might just be cheaper and better to get another router, but that still extra money I'd have to spend.
Did you power cycle the router? Check the settings? Try hooking a computer up to it?
I'm in the process of booking an FFS date. And I don't feel happy at all. Just sad that I had to resort to a surgeon because I barely look feminine. I'll be using whatever is left of my savings, and it won't even be a complete FFS.
Quote from: Shantel on August 20, 2014, 02:19:55 PM
Did they say you had to stop HRT for FFS? I know that for GRS they sometimes do if you're going to be immobile for a length of time on account clotting concerns. Wishing you well with that too, you're already very attractive so you have a jump on it.
Yep, two weeks prior to the surgery... I just fear losing all that I've got until now.
Probably they fear blood cotts...the thing is have made all my exams while taking my usual HRT...so I just hope everything is fine...
Quote from: Julia (Apple-Whatever) on August 20, 2014, 03:55:30 PM
I'm in the process of booking an FFS date. And I don't feel happy at all. Just sad that I had to resort to a surgeon because I barely look feminine. I'll be using whatever is left of my savings, and it won't even be a complete FFS.
Mine won't be really complete too...some people told me that I should have a mentoplasty and a jaw recountoring (even though I don't think it is really necessary)...but the most important for most people is just brow + rhinoplasty
Quote from: Natalia on August 20, 2014, 04:16:14 PM
Mine won't be really complete too...some people told me that I should have a mentoplasty and a jaw recountoring (even though I don't think it is really necessary)...but the most important for most people is just brow + rhinoplasty
The surgeon set the jaw and chin as the least important recommended procedures of the bunch.... I also decided to pass on the lip lift because It gets out of my budget. Forehead, nose, eyelids and trach shave. Also, After FFS I want to save for SRS... so no clue on when I will be able to do the rest. I should get a second job as an escort.
Quote from: Wynternight on August 18, 2014, 03:46:05 PM
Friday was my birthday and I had long standing plans to get together for dinner with an old friend. A few hours before we're due to meet she sends me a text that her training is going late and she won't be able to make it. We're both nurses so I know how this goes. I asked her to send me a message if she gets off in time so we can just meet since we haven't seen each other in months.
I decided to go to Denny's for dinner and made a stop at Fred Meyers to grab something for desert and what do I see? My friend who'se too busy to take me to the dinner she promised me weeks before, picking up meal type items. I didn't even say anything, I just walked away without her seeing me. 45 minutes later she texts me and tells me she's just getting out of training and is too tired and drained to get together. I was so upset I just went home and went to bed. She was one of my closest friends, one of the first when I moved to Alaska and someone I always thought I could trust and she lied to me - not one but twice. To say I was devastated is an understatement. It really put a bad spin on my whole weekend and confirmed for me that I simply cannot trust people. What a ->-bleeped-<-ty way to spend a birthday.
Blowing someone off with excuses like that is more harmful than just cancelling and being point-blank about why. I'm sorry she did that to you. Interpersonal poison can be really hard to take on birthdays and important holidays. :(
I'm unhappy right now because I had dental work the other day, and the more I think about it the more I feel like a gullible doormat. I had had a root canal in the past on a tooth that just crumbled and fell out afterward, so I made an appointment to get the roots looked at before they get infected or further buried under the gums. The hygienist was super judgy. I told her I brush and floss and do everything I'm supposed to do, and she said I should brush longer and floss more often. She pointed out how stained my teeth are and acted disgusted. I've been drinking coffee since I was in gradeschool, and I smoked for a decade and a half, and I never asked about whitening anyhow. I asked how to keep my teeth from falling out. She said the one that fell out was my own fault for not telling the dentist to put on a crown after the root canal. Like I'm supposed to know that. I asked if the grinding I used to do caused much damage, and she explained how to buy a biteguard like she was talking to a five year old. There's a visible hole in my canine and it hurts like lightning when anything touches it, and she sighed when I recoiled from her poking it with a tool and said that sensitive teeth are no big deal. I always trust everybody and assume any social dissonance is my fault and now I feel like an idiot. And my teeth are still falling apart.
The dentist is mean as hell too, but he's just kind of rough and aggressive and it doesn't feel personal.
I wish I could just get all my teeth pulled and buy some dentures.
Quote from: Felix on August 20, 2014, 07:13:30 PM
The dentist is mean as hell too, but he's just kind of rough and aggressive and it doesn't feel personal.
I'm pretty sure dentists have to be somewhat sadistic to do what they do anyway.
Quote from: Jaime R D on August 20, 2014, 07:16:30 PM
I'm pretty sure dentists have to be somewhat sadistic to do what they do anyway.
Yeah I can't begin to imagine what it must like being such an intense source of fear for so many people.
Waking up
I broke the top of my disinfectant spray. :(
hang in there matthew
///
what made me unhappy? finding out I really did break my finger and that I have to see a hand specialist because of where the break is. I guess it's not such a good place to break it? at least I got the x-rays done today because that was not fun.
i played some guitar today. but while i sounded very good the last few days (probably the excitement from something that happened that's bound to make this a better year), today i sounded like crap. Mistakes every other second. Sometimes i'm not feeling it. Also i'm feeling a bit in love (or am I? do I know what it feels like? it's difficult for me to tell. i already perveive feelings different from others.) with someone who doesn't like relationships and probably would also just want me as a friend (she must never know it, i don't want to ruin our friendship).
Maybe i'm just having an episode who knows.
->-bleeped-<- day yesterday. Was too tired, running on fumes/conversations with people to keep me awake hence why posting this today.
Yesterday I visited the doc, found out I have some scaring on my ear drum which was news to me. She says it's old and must have happened when I was a kid. I need to find more info on this though. Anyway, was told the reason why I've been feeling like I'm going to puke (Curse my high tolerance to being able to puke! :icon_shakefist:) and was prescribed meds which came up to $400, I walked away from the pharmacy humiliated and upset and got depressed. Why? Because $400 I can't afford and didn't know what else was going to happen. On top of that, some people ended up hearing a male voice come from me. (I can pass as female so this was embarrassing for me but I had to use male voice/name at the pharmacy so yeah..) On top of that, so much is going on it's getting to me. Luckily I wasn't feeling pukey yesterday (Sadly I am today) and the day could have been worse but thanks to the conversations I had with people online, it took my mind off of things and cheered me up.
Oh, I forgot to say but, it also sounds like my worker's comp will pay for the meds... if only I'd thought of it sooner or someone had told me... -_-
Cold enough for my overcoat and gloves!
Quote from: big kim on August 21, 2014, 03:14:54 PM
Cold enough for my overcoat and gloves!
Where do you live?
I'm worried about my relationship.
People who presume to speak for me and apologize on my behalf for something I am not sorry for and should never feel sorry for.
People who assume I am here for something I'm not and that I want to be someone I'm not.
I have to have a serious conversation with my boyfriend where we are likely to get into a huge argument and break up, but the other alternative is even worse. I have no idea when we'll be able to have this conversation and, in the meantime, my nerves are getting to me and I wish I could talk to someone.
This stupid split I'm in doesn't let me do anything and this speech recognition program that doesn't work well
my supervisor challenged me to that ALS ice water challenge thing.
Now I have to figure out who I am going to challenge when I do it later today.
A few months ago I kind of had a breakdown on here over not being sure if I had feelings for this girl I know from online, well I have finally come to the conclusion that despite not knowing what it feels like to love someone or have feelings for someone and only having others' experiences to go by or looking up what some basic signs are that well....I do indeed have feelings for this girl and it ruins me as well I will never be able to act on them as I wouldn't have the confidence to and also she lives in another country and even if I could tell her and by some freak miracle she returns the feelings it doesn't matter as I will never be able to afford to meet her in person.
I hate myself.
realizing im broke :/
Quote from: big kim on August 22, 2014, 01:39:36 AM
That's the one
:D
There's an inordinately large amount of very talented musicians from that part of the world.
Quote from: Charley Bea(EmeraldP) on August 22, 2014, 03:25:45 AM
A few months ago I kind of had a breakdown on here over not being sure if I had feelings for this girl I know from online, well I have finally come to the conclusion that despite not knowing what it feels like to love someone or have feelings for someone and only having others' experiences to go by or looking up what some basic signs are that well....I do indeed have feelings for this girl and it ruins me as well I will never be able to act on them as I wouldn't have the confidence to and also she lives in another country and even if I could tell her and by some freak miracle she returns the feelings it doesn't matter as I will never be able to afford to meet her in person.
I hate myself.
Long distance relationships can work and there are ways to provide physical contact without actually being there with each other plus there is things like Skype and other means to do video calls and then there's just the good ol phone. Is it easy? No. Can it work? Yes. Will the relationship last? Depends on how strong a feeling you both have for each other and even then it might be too tough to endure. Also, you're only looking at the here and now, you never know, maybe something will happen and you'll both get to see each other. If it doesn't work out, plenty of fish in the see as they say.
Quote from: Charley Bea(EmeraldP) on August 22, 2014, 03:25:45 AM
A few months ago I kind of had a breakdown on here over not being sure if I had feelings for this girl I know from online, well I have finally come to the conclusion that despite not knowing what it feels like to love someone or have feelings for someone and only having others' experiences to go by or looking up what some basic signs are that well....I do indeed have feelings for this girl and it ruins me as well I will never be able to act on them as I wouldn't have the confidence to and also she lives in another country and even if I could tell her and by some freak miracle she returns the feelings it doesn't matter as I will never be able to afford to meet her in person.
I hate myself.
I don't understand how one can have intimate feelings for somebody they have never met. Maybe that is just me.
Quote from: Julia (Apple-Whatever) on August 20, 2014, 04:19:27 PM
The surgeon set the jaw and chin as the least important recommended procedures of the bunch.... I also decided to pass on the lip lift because It gets out of my budget. Forehead, nose, eyelids and trach shave. Also, After FFS I want to save for SRS... so no clue on when I will be able to do the rest. I should get a second job as an escort.
I'm thinking of getting some work done myself. Breast augmentation is on the list too. sure, I have a lot going for me but I want a lower hairline, etc. Maybe even to not see old me in the mirror ever again. Then srs.
Quote
Author=Shana-chan link=topic=161846.msg1503644#msg1503644 date=1408727392]
Long distance relationships can work and there are ways to provide physical contact without actually being there with each other plus there is things like Skype and other means to do video calls and then there's just the good ol phone. Is it easy? No. Can it work? Yes. Will the relationship last? Depends on how strong a feeling you both have for each other and even then it might be too tough to endure. Also, you're only looking at the here and now, you never know, maybe something will happen and you'll both get to see each other. If it doesn't work out, plenty of fish in the see as they say.
my relationship with my wife has lasted 14 years and we met in an anime chat room before skype or google hangouts. I dont see it lasting because she doesnt want me to have SRS. She also says she isnt a lesbian and gets mad when people even think she is. So what am I really to her?
I fell in love with Birkin before we met in person. He has gorgeous eyes, hes so hard working and smart. He can make me smile or laugh when no one else can. And when we finally met, it was really really really hard to let him go back home. I love him to bits and miss him just as much.
Quote from: Rainbow Brite on August 22, 2014, 04:35:34 PM
my relationship with my wife has lasted 14 years and we met in an anime chat room before skype or google hangouts. I dont see it lasting because she doesnt want me to have SRS. She also says she isnt a lesbian and gets mad when people even think she is. So what am I really to her?
I fell in love with Birkin before we met in person. He has gorgeous eyes, hes so hard working and smart. He can make me smile or laugh when no one else can. And when we finally met, it was really really really hard to let him go back home. I love him to bits and miss him just as much.
Well hon, we know what the answer will be don't we? It's just a matter of time now. My best to you dear!
Getting a haircut tomorrow but my mom doesn't want me to get a masculine style because she thinks it wont help me get a job so I'll probably leave the hair salon in a very awful mood and death glare at the barber. My monthly gift just came in today so that doesn't bode well...
I don't feel like I'm over 18.
Quote from: Shana-chan on August 22, 2014, 12:09:52 PM
Long distance relationships can work and there are ways to provide physical contact without actually being there with each other plus there is things like Skype and other means to do video calls and then there's just the good ol phone. Is it easy? No. Can it work? Yes. Will the relationship last? Depends on how strong a feeling you both have for each other and even then it might be too tough to endure. Also, you're only looking at the here and now, you never know, maybe something will happen and you'll both get to see each other. If it doesn't work out, plenty of fish in the see as they say.
I know long distance relationships can work I was kind of in one about 6 years ago, but I find we are both the sort that like affection(cuddling etc;) and well not sure how that would work in an LDR, you say there are ways could you explain it(possibly in PM)? Also I hate my voice and well frankly she can always do way better than me(I would say more about how I see myself but I won't). Problem is I was deemed unfit to work about 4 years ago and I am living on a disability pension(Which I am sure many judge me poorly for). So I have very strong doubts I will get to meet her and really the closest I can think of where I will get to see her is if by some miracle I can afford SRS and go to my top choice of surgeon who is based near her, not sure how I would be with visiting/visitors.
Quote from: mac1 on August 22, 2014, 12:51:22 PM
I don't understand how one can have intimate feelings for somebody they have never met. Maybe that is just me.
Honestly I still don't understand it myself, I have never seen myself as being someone that could get feelings for a person(not understanding what it feels like) and it is only based on a few things that I have come to the conclusion that I have but yes I now recognise i have feelings for her but I do not understand it.
Quote from: Rainbow Brite on August 22, 2014, 04:35:34 PM
my relationship with my wife has lasted 14 years and we met in an anime chat room before skype or google hangouts. I dont see it lasting because she doesnt want me to have SRS. She also says she isnt a lesbian and gets mad when people even think she is. So what am I really to her?
I fell in love with Birkin before we met in person. He has gorgeous eyes, hes so hard working and smart. He can make me smile or laugh when no one else can. And when we finally met, it was really really really hard to let him go back home. I love him to bits and miss him just as much.
I hope in all regards it works out for you, it is actually your's and Birkin's connection that gives me hope.
It's what's made and will make me unhappy fri sat and sun it's this damn heat . In the 100's here in the mid west. Summer can kiss my ass
I might have dislocated my pinky toe's bone, or broke it, but I think dislocated it. It might have popped back into place though. Still upsetting. :(
Quote from: MyKa on August 22, 2014, 11:33:46 PM
It's what's made and will make me unhappy fri sat and sun it's this damn heat . In the 100's here in the mid west. Summer can kiss my ass
But if it does that, that'll be one HOT kiss. (Aka sunburn) Are you sure you want it to kiss you, and on your butt no less? If so, here it comes :-*
Quote from: Shana-chan on August 23, 2014, 02:13:32 PM
I might have dislocated my pinky toe's bone, or broke it, but I think dislocated it. It might have popped back into place though. Still upsetting. :(
But if it does that, that'll be one HOT kiss. (Aka sunburn) Are you sure you want it to kiss you, and on your butt no less? If so, here it comes :-*
I'm sick of this heat and humidity here in Florida as well. While I'm not looking for a hot kiss on the arse, I do welcome fall with open arms. Too bad though, fall doesn't start here til mid October.
Ali :icon_flower:
Well, my stealthness is basically over at one of my jobs. I told one person, in confidence, because I wanted advice and I knew she was leaving and didn't really like anyone at the job lol. Well she liked them enough to tell some others about me.
A part of me is relieved because hiding my chest and whatnot in locker rooms, pools, and other such places was getting to be nearly impossible and very awkward. But I feel...meh. I don't know. Dysphoric and crappy, and I wish I was cisgender.
I'm kind of stupid for telling someone, I should know better, but I really felt the need to reach out. I feel naked now.
Quote from: birkin on August 23, 2014, 06:20:34 PM
Well, my stealthness is basically over at one of my jobs. I told one person, in confidence, because I wanted advice and I knew she was leaving and didn't really like anyone at the job lol. Well she liked them enough to tell some others about me.
A part of me is relieved because hiding my chest and whatnot in locker rooms, pools, and other such places was getting to be nearly impossible and very awkward. But I feel...meh. I don't know. Dysphoric and crappy, and I wish I was cisgender.
I'm kind of stupid for telling someone, I should know better, but I really felt the need to reach out. I feel naked now.
yeah, at the company I work for, I know one supervisor volunteers that info whenever she can, usually without any prompting or questions. Kind of crappy, but its to be expected. We're such deviants, you know...
Everyone has been nice about it. Nice as in, just very quiet on the matter. They don't really seem comfortable talking about it. But one girl gave me a big hug and said that it didn't change anything, lol, bless her heart.
Knowing that the money factor is a massive strain on my wife and kids.
Quote from: birkin on August 23, 2014, 06:37:15 PM
Everyone has been nice about it. Nice as in, just very quiet on the matter. They don't really seem comfortable talking about it. But one girl gave me a big hug and said that it didn't change anything, lol, bless her heart.
I have found that once they know, things do change. They may well not intend for that to happen, but it usually does. They can't help it, its too ingrained in them.
I've learned to just deal with it and not let it get to me too much. I will still do what makes me happy no matter what they think or do or say.
Yeah, unfortunately I know that it does change things. :( I've only seen it not on a few occasions.
Serious depression, and did I mention I was going to ask my neighbor if he wouldn't mind taking me to the therapist because it's gotten that bad and is getting to me too much, but then he went on about how I should ask family/friends first (WHAT friends? (irl) WHAT "family") and how if I didn't then he'd feel taken advantage of...this hurt me a lot (This was last wed) and as a result, I couldn't bring myself to ask him nor will I... so now I'm going to have to wait 2 weeks minimum till I have my upcoming surgery done and am back at work and back up and walking again. Depression, you grim reaper, leave me alone, leave us ALL ALONE! :( *SIGH*
EDIT *SIIIIIIIIIIGH*
I shouldn't have tried to go to a friend (online) when I was feeling this down, I know they meant well but bringing up THEIR problems when they KNEW I am not well, depressed and so on, seriously, take a hint! I came to try and talk to you to get me out of this depression even if only for a day and now it's worse. I REALLY want to cry right now. :'( Stupid depression/anxiety, feeling like the walls are closing in on me, feels like my throat is mostly closed up and as a result, very hard to breath...
Quote from: Shana-chan on August 21, 2014, 03:01:55 PM
->-bleeped-<- day yesterday. Was too tired, running on fumes/conversations with people to keep me awake hence why posting this today.
Yesterday I visited the doc, found out I have some scaring on my ear drum which was news to me. She says it's old and must have happened when I was a kid. I need to find more info on this though. Anyway, was told the reason why I've been feeling like I'm going to puke (Curse my high tolerance to being able to puke! :icon_shakefist:) and was prescribed meds which came up to $400, I walked away from the pharmacy humiliated and upset and got depressed. Why? Because $400 I can't afford and didn't know what else was going to happen. On top of that, some people ended up hearing a male voice come from me. (I can pass as female so this was embarrassing for me but I had to use male voice/name at the pharmacy so yeah..) On top of that, so much is going on it's getting to me. Luckily I wasn't feeling pukey yesterday (Sadly I am today) and the day could have been worse but thanks to the conversations I had with people online, it took my mind off of things and cheered me up.
Oh, I forgot to say but, it also sounds like my worker's comp will pay for the meds... if only I'd thought of it sooner or someone had told me... -_-
Girl what brought all of this on?
Some dude that came into the store told me that I had beautiful facial skin.
Quote from: Jaime R D on August 24, 2014, 01:55:29 PM
Some dude that came into the store told me that I had beautiful facial skin.
You do, so do you want him to say you have crappy looking skin instead? Obviously it was intended as a complement even if it was unwanted. What am I gonna do with you girl?
Quote from: Shantel on August 24, 2014, 02:30:53 PM
You do, so do you want him to say you have crappy looking skin instead? Obviously it was intended as a complement even if it was unwanted. What am I gonna do with you girl?
Things often get weird once someone tells someone like that about me and its inevitable.
Quote from: Jaime R D on August 24, 2014, 02:39:46 PM
Things often get weird once someone tells someone like that about me and its inevitable.
Sometimes women tell me I have nice skin, I don't think that know why and I don't volunteer any info and just say thanks and count it as a complement.
Quote from: Shantel on August 24, 2014, 02:57:31 PM
Sometimes women tell me I have nice skin, I don't think that know why and I don't volunteer any info and just say thanks and count it as a complement.
I guess I'm just really wary of it as I've had a few get a bit too much in the past. In fact, the one that had sent me a Christmas card at my work and was after me for a while about going out a few years ago lives close to the store I'm manager of now. He got gas yesterday, but he didn't say anything, so hopefully he found out through someone else about me and won't try to pursue it all over again. That stuff just makes me skittish as hell anymore.
Quote from: Jaime R D on August 24, 2014, 03:03:40 PM
I guess I'm just really wary of it as I've had a few get a bit too much in the past. In fact, the one that had sent me a Christmas card at my work and was after me for a while about going out a few years ago lives close to the store I'm manager of now. He got gas yesterday, but he didn't say anything, so hopefully he found out through someone else about me and won't try to pursue it all over again. That stuff just makes me skittish as hell anymore.
I can see why you get the attention though because you are very attractive, but yeah I get how you feel about that stuff I wouldn't care for it either.
Quote from: Shantel on August 24, 2014, 03:20:03 PM
I can see why you get the attention though because you are very attractive, but yeah I get how you feel about that stuff I wouldn't care for it either.
my biggest issue with it though is what I know would likely happen once either they find out or someone gives them a hard time for even being attracted to me.
My next door neighbor keeps asking me out. I'm trying to be nice, and neighborly about this but seriously, when is the guy gonna get the hint? This is like the 8th time he's asked me out in the last 3 weeks, Sheeeeeeesh!
Ali :icon_flower:
Quote from: Allyda on August 24, 2014, 04:07:39 PM
My next door neighbor keeps asking me out. I'm trying to be nice, and neighborly about this but seriously, when is the guy gonna get the hint? This is like the 8th time he's asked me out in the last 3 weeks, Sheeeeeeesh!
Ali :icon_flower:
At times, we must stop with the hinting and gentle let them down with a no. (Though gentler) And if need be, let them down harder. (If the gentle approach doesn't work)
Quote from: Jaime R D on August 24, 2014, 03:25:44 PM
my biggest issue with it though is what I know would likely happen once either they find out or someone gives them a hard time for even being attracted to me.
Yeah, it's not too pretty and feminine when you have to bash someone's face in self defense! :D
having..difficulty...breathing again... hello 2nd magor depression/anxiety attack and in less than 24 hours no less! Thanks SOO f'n much neighbor! getting, dizzy...
I made a friend but I think I freaked her out because I talked about something too personal.
I feel like an idiot and I kind of want to just stop talking to her.
In other news, I have been extremely sexually frustrated over the last week, to the point where it is literally painful (mentally and emotionally, mostly). I miss holding a woman, kissing, touching. I hate feeling this way cause I just feel like some creepy lonely dude, but it sucks and I want someone to love me lol.
Haven't slept at all, can't turn my damn brain off. Now I have to go to work in an hour, this will not be a fun day:(
At least one of my friends outed me without permission. I'm not sure if it was recently or before, but still.
I hate being treated as if I am inferior. I'm not.
Quote from: birkin on August 25, 2014, 02:02:23 AM
In other news, I have been extremely sexually frustrated over the last week, to the point where it is literally painful (mentally and emotionally, mostly). I miss holding a woman, kissing, touching. I hate feeling this way cause I just feel like some creepy lonely dude, but it sucks and I want someone to love me lol.
Cyber smoochies and hugs from Auntie Shan!
Quote from: Shantel on August 25, 2014, 10:33:38 AM
Cyber smoochies and hugs from Auntie Shan!
lol incest
Yeah, thinking on it more it isn't really a sexual thing, it's just a lack of human contact thing. A girl hugged me a few days ago, and a friend hugged me two weeks ago. But other than that I haven't touched another human being in longer than I can remember. I don't hug my family. I sometimes hold one of my client's hands when she cries. But that's it.
Quote from: birkin on August 25, 2014, 12:52:58 PM
lol incest
Yeah, thinking on it more it isn't really a sexual thing, it's just a lack of human contact thing. A girl hugged me a few days ago, and a friend hugged me two weeks ago. But other than that I haven't touched another human being in longer than I can remember. I don't hug my family. I sometimes hold one of my client's hands when she cries. But that's it.
Human contact is essential for good mental and spiritual health, sex shouldn't even come into the equation unless it somehow morphs there and is mutually consented to. I love hugs and pass out plenty of them myself, suppose I got that from my mom's ethnic French background. My spouse's family is decidedly of British extraction, touching and hugging doesn't come naturally for them, ergo cold, unfeeling and rigid is the order of the day until I light a match under their asses with my outgoing warm personality. I guess like the saying goes, "Opposites attract!"
3 cavities=$600 smackers I'm going to lose within the next 6 months. -_- (Because waiting makes it worse and they don't recommend that)
Today in addition to that https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,172152.msg1506109.html#msg1506109
and now I wait for life to HOPEFULLY get better, tis slower than Christmas though. :P
I got harassed by my neat freak mother and she wanted me off the compute so bad that she inspected my room for flaws. Then there's a certain member of this site that I don't particularly enjoy and really gets under my skin.
The remaining half of my tooth broke out. Now my mouth feels weird. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. I want to getting a dental implant, but I can't afford it right now and top surgery comes before that. I just hope I don't get some type of infection.
Quote from: Marcellow on August 25, 2014, 08:27:16 PM
I got harassed by my neat freak mother and she wanted me off the compute so bad that she inspected my room for flaws. Then there's a certain member of this site that I don't particularly enjoy and really gets under my skin.
lol now everyone is going to wonder if its them. I've always actually wondered if anyone on the forum secretly hates me and cringes every time I post sometihng.
Quote from: birkin on August 25, 2014, 08:40:42 PM
lol now everyone is going to wonder if its them. I've always actually wondered if anyone on the forum secretly hates me and cringes every time I post sometihng.
If they read that comment, they might but it's not you for sure. I'd imagine there's probably people out there who hate my guts but even so, I won't tell who it is lest they think its them and they happen to PM me or something.
Well, I moved in with my Sister-in-law, her kids and hubby, her Brother and his son and.. Its so full here. And with as nasty as this house is, I just want to run away. I'm still off of my Estrogen after 3 or 4 weeks without it, tired of hearing my old name being used, male pronouns.... Someone just shoot me. I just want my CDL, a truck and to leave everyone but my son behind for good!
Quote from: Rainbow Brite on August 26, 2014, 01:07:27 PM
Well, I moved in with my Sister-in-law, her kids and hubby, her Brother and his son and.. Its so full here. And with as nasty as this house is, I just want to run away. I'm still off of my Estrogen after 3 or 4 weeks without it, tired of hearing my old name being used, male pronouns.... Someone just shoot me. I just want my CDL, a truck and to leave everyone but my son behind for good!
Oh gosh! Rainbow I'm very sorry to hear what your going through. I sincerely wish there was something I could do. I'm sending you biiiiiig cyber huggles. :icon_hug:
Ali :icon_flower:
Quote from: Allyda on August 26, 2014, 05:44:54 PM
Oh gosh! Rainbow I'm very sorry to hear what your going through. I sincerely wish there was something I could do. I'm sending you biiiiiig cyber huggles. :icon_hug:
Ali :icon_flower:
Thank you.
Having my father tell me that I need my driver's license EVERY time we are on the phone.....either that or he always tells me what I need to do, be it jobs or whatever.
Having to deal with family practically all day. -_-
I tried to call my insurance provider to ask about specific current policies regarding transgender healthcare coverage, and I got transferred around and put on hold until I noticed that my prepaid phone is low on minutes and hung up. I have access to other phones, but I feel like an idiot for not just emailing. The word "transgender" makes bureaucrats nervous, and dealing with that live is rarely pleasant.
Quote from: King Malachite on August 26, 2014, 09:16:07 PM
Having my father tell me that I need my driver's license EVERY time we are on the phone.....either that or he always tells me what I need to do, be it jobs or whatever.
That's what fathers tend to do, mine was always telling me I need to get it together and figure things out but rarely ever had much in the way of any real advice or understanding of anything other than the Marine Corp.s and how I'd better shape up or ship out
But he wasn't all bad times, had some good moments with him as well, like going to the movies or getting a bite to eat or playing intense games of racquetball
Day one of seven stopping mone's before a surgery........ugh :(
Quote from: V M on August 26, 2014, 11:22:42 PM
That's what fathers tend to do, mine was always telling me I need to get it together and figure things out but rarely ever had much in the way of any real advice or understanding of anything other than the Marine Corp.s and how I'd better shape up or ship out
But he wasn't all bad times, had some good moments with him as well, like going to the movies or getting a bite to eat or playing intense games of racquetball
Malachite, get your driver's license. Get it yesterday. It'll make you so happy, and you might even need it to vote soon. Sorry. ::)
I used to miss my dad, but then I realized he doesn't really know me or have time to give me, and I think I was just missing whatever he was 20 years ago. Nagging fathers are probably okay if there is also racquetball or whatever, but absence is kind of nice to make peace with for some people.
oh my goodness. it's been hard enough getting my binder on and off the last week. my right hand has a splint ... well, basically a cast that covers my ring and pinky finger and immobilizes the wrist too. today i was all sweaty and i was beginning to think my stupid binder was never coming off.
i have to say the maneuvering i did was probably pretty funny and the cursing.
Quote from: christopher on August 26, 2014, 11:41:51 PM
i have to say the maneuvering i did was probably pretty funny and the cursing.
First, I am not laughing at you sweetie. The mental picture I got of that was just priceless though. :)
I wish I was cuddling my boyfriend right now. I'm turning into a clingy, sappy, lovey guy. It's very uncomfortable and not who I want to be.
For the original topic, "what made you unhappy today"
Rewatching a video of an old trans friend getting some sort of a shot... I think her first blockers. Made me unhappy because she was so in pain and was crying.
Quote from: iiMTF on August 27, 2014, 12:58:12 AM
Made me unhappy because she was so in pain and was crying.
Is it possible they were tears of happiness? I sure got emotional with mine, but because it was a dream come true. :)
:'(
it was technically a good day, but somehow i still feel mentally exhausted.
The dryer is broken and my pants aren't dry yet, so I'm walking around in underwear in the hopes that they dry before I leave, but that makes me uncomfortable because I can hear people walking and talking in the hallway and I keep being afraid they're going to knock on the door.
I have a lot of cleaning to do.
I'm pretty sure I heard a mouse.
I can't get into all the courses I want because they're full or not available.
Other university stuff that is stressing me namely about availability, marks, and the fact that I don't think I made a very good impression on the one prof here who studies genetics.
Quote from: Edge on August 27, 2014, 12:57:36 AM
I'm turning into a clingy, sappy, lovey guy. It's very uncomfortable and not who I want to be.
Well, If I were to ever though very unlikely, date a guy I'd want him to be like this^^___^^. There's nothing wrong with men being emotional.
Ali :icon_flower:
No offense is meant to guys who are sappy and lovey. It's just not who I want to be.
I got diarrhea and have to leave for work in 30 minutes.
One of our trees fell and hit some apartments behind us yesterday (that still makes me happy today).
Replaying the the reaction to me by someone who was once very close (a person to whom I am out), a reaction of physical revulsion as we were placed side by side for a group photo last weekend. I saw the look, I felt the shudder, I moved away. I smiled weakly, as often I do when I am torn apart inside, wanting to cry. I felt so isolated. I wanted to be invisible. When the alarm went off this morning, a song triggered that memory and it was like I was there again.
Quote from: EllieM on August 27, 2014, 12:40:00 PM
Replaying the the reaction to me by someone who was once very close (a person to whom I am out), a reaction of physical revulsion as we were placed side by side for a group photo last weekend. I saw the look, I felt the shudder, I moved away. I smiled weakly, as often I do when I am torn apart inside, wanting to cry. I felt so isolated. I wanted to be invisible. When the alarm went off this morning, a song triggered that memory and it was like I was there again.
Write that person off your Christmas list! ((Hugs))
Quote from: Shantel on August 27, 2014, 12:43:13 PM
Write that person off your Christmas list! ((Hugs))
Thanks, Shan, I knew I could count on you :)
<scribble, scribble>
That was easy!
((reciprocal hug))
I'm getting into full hypocondriac mode about Deep Vein Thrombosis after filling chett's questions list. I have a job that makes me stay sitting for too many hours a day, and I already have a bit of leg pain. I'm trying to pedal at least 30 minutes everyday to keep things ok, but... damn. I'm freaking scared.
Quote from: Julia (Apple-Whatever) on August 27, 2014, 01:38:33 PM
I'm getting into full hypocondriac mode about Deep Vein Thrombosis after filling chett's questions list. I have a job that makes me stay sitting for too many hours a day, and I already have a bit of leg pain. I'm trying to pedal at least 30 minutes everyday to keep things ok, but... damn. I'm freaking scared.
Some HRT specialists recommend a baby aspirin each day they come as 81mg, it tends to thin the blood out a bit and offset clotting. You have to cease taking them a week prior to any surgery so you don't bleed and bruise too much. I would think that if you get up from your desk and walk around for a few minutes here and there it would help. That's what we do on long plane flights.
My high school can't get me a diploma with my new name on it for a week. Good bye Lufthansa, it ended before it began.
All the good job opportunities are gone I either need to be 16 months older, have an EU passport, speak an East Asian language (or learn it in 2-3 months,) or be 3-9 inches shorter.
AA might be my last option, if I tell them I'll be 20 by the end of training and they go for it. But being a Texas based company, I don't know how they'd treat me.
Quote from: Shantel on August 27, 2014, 02:32:33 PM
Some HRT specialists recommend a baby aspirin each day they come as 81mg, it tends to thin the blood out a bit and offset clotting. You have to cease taking them a week prior to any surgery so you don't bleed and bruise too much. I would think that if you get up from your desk and walk around for a few minutes here and there it would help. That's what we do on long plane flights.
I literally use ever possible excuse to move, plus doing a five minute visit to the toilet every hour. I don't have that much urine, but it helps me with moving. Also if possible I will avoid using the elevator
I may take a blood thinner for the flight. I'll try to sleep as much as possible, but the walking thing is mandatory Two hours and I need to move. 3.6 hours car trips with my family were the freaking worst years ago, so this is nothing new for me. Just that I travel a lot less. It's a pity than I don't have a lot of walking opportunities right now. That's why getting on the bike is important.
Getting jumped, punched in the face three times, and having my wallet stolen this morning put me in a pretty unhappy mood.
Awful!
So sorry.
I'm speechless :/
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on August 27, 2014, 01:01:19 AM
Is it possible they were tears of happiness? I sure got emotional with mine, but because it was a dream come true. :)
Yes, I'm sure they were tears of pain. There's an extreme difference in facial expressions between different types of crying. It was her first time, so she wasn't sure what to expect
OK, rant time. I mean, this is really minor in the grand scheme of things, but it really annoys me.
Why can't they make all the cute shoes that I like in a size 13? Every time I see something I really want, it maxes out at 10 or 11. All of the best ones I have are wearing out, and I can't find proper replacements for them. I don't have a problem finding sandals, but summer is ending. Why is it that everything I find in a 13 either has six inch heels or is a thigh high boot? Most women that are a size 13 are quite tall (like my wife and I), and don't need heels. I don't want unisex shoes, and I don't want to be mistaken for a drag queen. I'm not into "fetish" clothing either. You'd swear that every manufacturer gears women's shoes that big toward men who either do drag or have clothing fetishes.
I want cute shoes and I can't have them! Grrrrrrr!!!
Quote from: Jill F on August 27, 2014, 04:40:46 PM
OK, rant time. I mean, this is really minor in the grand scheme of things, but it really annoys me.
Why can't they make all the cute shoes that I like in a size 13? Every time I see something I really want, it maxes out at 10 or 11. All of the best ones I have are wearing out, and I can't find proper replacements for them. I don't have a problem finding sandals, but summer is ending. Why is it that everything I find in a 13 either has six inch heels or is a thigh high boot? Most women that are a size 13 are quite tall (like my wife and I), and don't need heels. I don't want unisex shoes, and I don't want to be mistaken for a drag queen. I'm not into "fetish" clothing either. You'd swear that every manufacturer gears women's shoes that big toward men who either do drag or have clothing fetishes.
I want cute shoes and I can't have them! Grrrrrrr!!!
Here in my country, the max size is mostly 255 mm (US women's 8), and my size is 265 mm (US women's 10). Fortunately, there are a few internet stores where the max size is 265 mm. Nevertheless, I sigh when I see pretty shoes in the street stores.
barbie~~
Quote from: Jill F on August 27, 2014, 04:40:46 PM
OK, rant time. I mean, this is really minor in the grand scheme of things, but it really annoys me.
Why can't they make all the cute shoes that I like in a size 13? Every time I see something I really want, it maxes out at 10 or 11. All of the best ones I have are wearing out, and I can't find proper replacements for them. I don't have a problem finding sandals, but summer is ending. Why is it that everything I find in a 13 either has six inch heels or is a thigh high boot? Most women that are a size 13 are quite tall (like my wife and I), and don't need heels. I don't want unisex shoes, and I don't want to be mistaken for a drag queen. I'm not into "fetish" clothing either. You'd swear that every manufacturer gears women's shoes that big toward men who either do drag or have clothing fetishes.
I want cute shoes and I can't have them! Grrrrrrr!!!
This is actually a thing I'm not looking forward to, either, silly as it might be. I've always had to special order my shoes anyway, even in men's sizes, because my feet are so freaking wide. It turns a $50 pair into $200-$300. And women's shoes tend to be more expensive to begin with anyway. :(
So, maybe I don't feel your pain quite yet, but I will. Shoes suck when you're an unusual size.
Quote from: Jill F on August 27, 2014, 04:40:46 PM
Why can't they make all the cute shoes that I like in a size 13?
Sorry, but I have to say.. I burst out laughing when I read that part.
Anyways, got any friends who can make you some shoes? :p If not, I'd recommend searching sites like eBay, that kind of thing
Good luck with your footwear
Quote from: Jill F on August 27, 2014, 04:40:46 PM
OK, rant time. I mean, this is really minor in the grand scheme of things, but it really annoys me.
Why can't they make all the cute shoes that I like in a size 13? Every time I see something I really want, it maxes out at 10 or 11. All of the best ones I have are wearing out, and I can't find proper replacements for them. I don't have a problem finding sandals, but summer is ending. Why is it that everything I find in a 13 either has six inch heels or is a thigh high boot? Most women that are a size 13 are quite tall (like my wife and I), and don't need heels. I don't want unisex shoes, and I don't want to be mistaken for a drag queen. I'm not into "fetish" clothing either. You'd swear that every manufacturer gears women's shoes that big toward men who either do drag or have clothing fetishes.
I want cute shoes and I can't have them! Grrrrrrr!!!
You might can lose a couple sizes by whacking your toes off. Might make you tend to teeter forward randomly though...
Quote from: Jaime R D on August 27, 2014, 05:14:57 PM
You can lose a couple sizes by whacking your toes off. Might make you tend to teeter forward randomly though...
:D
Ouch.
Yeah, larger shoe sizes are annoying. I remember when I switched to women's sneakers. I was stuck with looking for 11's. It was really annoying. I am down to 9's now. But my main problem is that it seems that the "80's style" of sneakers are coming back. So, all of the women's sneakers are like, these hideous neon colors and black. :icon_blah: If I were an 11 year old girl in 1988, it would be fine. But, I'm not :D so I have to search for sneakers with decent color schemes. I don't bother with dressy shoes since I just wear tops and jeans.
Notice posted on the front door that the water will be turned off for about 8 hours tomorrow due to local construction :P
Quote from: Jaime R D on August 27, 2014, 05:14:57 PM
You might can lose a couple sizes by whacking your toes off. Might make you tend to teeter forward randomly though...
It would certainly save me money on pedicures.
Nooo! I'm just kidding, little piggies. Nice little piggies... We'll paint you purple again soon. I promise.
Quote from: V M on August 27, 2014, 05:22:58 PM
Notice posted on the front door that the water will be turned off for about 8 hours tomorrow due to local construction :P
That sucks. That reminds me of the time, my apartment was being remodeled. The whole complex was being renovated so it was free. But I spent all day hanging out around town and at family member's houses to kill time. It sucked though because I think one of the idiots that were moving things dropped my modem and screwed it up. It stopped working a day or two after they moved stuff back in.
Quote from: V M on August 27, 2014, 05:22:58 PM
Notice posted on the front door that the water will be turned off for about 8 hours tomorrow due to local construction :P
Not quite as scary as the notices posted in Detroit....
Quote from: Jaime R D on August 27, 2014, 05:14:57 PM
You might can lose a couple sizes by whacking your toes off. Might make you tend to teeter forward randomly though...
Some cis women have actually had their toes surgically shortened to the first joint. Very painful and stupid surgery.
Quote from: Shantel on August 27, 2014, 08:31:41 PM
Some cis women have actually had their toes surgically shortened to the first joint. Very painful and stupid surgery.
Umm, so no more open-toed shoes, like EVER? That's insane.
Be nice to your piggies, ladies.
This little piggy wants a drink now. ;)
Quote from: Jill F on August 27, 2014, 08:35:44 PM
Umm, so no more open-toed shoes, like EVER? That's insane.
Be nice to your piggies, ladies.
This little piggy wants a drink now. ;)
I want a pet piggy <3
Yes, ik its a different type of piggy than a toe.. :p
Quote from: EllieM on August 27, 2014, 08:22:30 PM
Not quite as scary as the notices posted in Detroit....
Probably not, Detroit's a pretty rough town from what I hear - But I've lived in some pretty rough towns as well - I'm filling the bathtub and all viable containers to make ready - At least I'll be clean and be able to use the toilet
Hugs
Quote from: Shantel on August 27, 2014, 08:31:41 PM
Some cis women have actually had their toes surgically shortened to the first joint. Very painful and stupid surgery.
:o
Wow.
I didn't even know that people did that.
I would rather wear clown shoes for the rest of my life than do that.
Quote from: GenTechJ on August 27, 2014, 03:42:09 PM
Getting jumped, punched in the face three times, and having my wallet stolen this morning put me in a pretty unhappy mood.
Jeez, that's a pretty atypically bad experience. I hope you got through the phone calls to notify/cancel any cards or documents you were carrying. :-\
Quote from: GenTechJ on August 27, 2014, 03:42:09 PM
Getting jumped, punched in the face three times, and having my wallet stolen this morning put me in a pretty unhappy mood.
Just noticed this post, hope you're alright! It happened to a friend of mine, two perps cold cocked him and ripped the pocket off the back of his jeans as they took his wallet, he got 30 stitches inside his cheek. He is a cripple already on top of that, so my gut feeling is that there are people with no soul that will stop at nothing and I suspect this kind of stuff will be on the increase due to ongoing unemployment and people falling through the ever widening cracks in society's unemployment support infrastructure. Everyone needs to be watchful around ATM's and places where these creeps may be lurking.
Quote from: GenTechJ on August 27, 2014, 03:42:09 PM
Getting jumped, punched in the face three times, and having my wallet stolen this morning put me in a pretty unhappy mood.
I apologize for not noticing this sooner myself. I'm so so sorry to hear about this happening to you. If it's any comfort, Karma's the queen Bi&$@ and she's on our side! Those punks will get theirs in due time.
In the meantime I hope your okay. :icon_bunch:
Ali :icon_flower:
Aside from a really sore jaw (hurts to eat at the moment) and the frustration of having to cancel cards and what not I'm ok. Police had both suspects in custody by noon. I didn't realize my street had surveillance cameras, but it makes sense since this used to be a really bad area and the city is trying to clean it up.
Thank you all :)
Also, yes. Karma will catch up to them at some point.
Facebook. Wanting to remove everyone who has\is pursuing a college degree. Making me sad that I can't.
Course that'd gut a good 95% or my facebook friends, including some of my closest.
Some of my favourite bands are touring Canada and I can't go see them because they're not coming to my province.
Insomnia kicked my arse last night. I have a tonne of stuff on my mind and just could not fall asleep. Now I have the lack of sleep headache and have to leave for work in 15 minutes. :(
Feeling I annoy, bore, upset everyone, feeling ugly and useless, feeling alone and lonely. The usual unfortunately.
Quote from: Charley Bea(EmeraldP) on August 29, 2014, 11:50:09 AM
Feeling I annoy, bore, upset everyone, feeling ugly and useless, feeling alone and lonely. The usual unfortunately.
Cheer up. Don't let it get you down.
Elton John's "Funeral For a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding" came on the music channel and I just completely lost it. Screaming, tears, on my knees. I guess I still have stuff to let out.
I have lost a lot of friends and acquaintences in the last year, but losing Nero hit me a lot harder than any of the others.
I have a crush on a girl who works at a Chik-Fila, but I found out today that she has a boyfriend. :(
Quote from: King Malachite on August 29, 2014, 08:46:22 PM
I have a crush on a girl who works at a Chik-Fila, but I found out today that she has a boyfriend. :(
Do you enjoy challenges ?
I got between my current girlfriend and her ex, I cant say Im proud about it but I adore this girl so much I had to pursue her :-\
Nah, it isn't worth it to me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that. I'll just admire some of the other food workers from afar....until I find out they are taken.
I saw that our typically clueless mailman dropped someone's mail again. (Even though we have communal mailboxes now, which should have eliminated this problem) It looked liked it was a hospital bill. So, I walked over to one of the maintenance crew and gave it them. They were standing there with some people that I know were just tenants because I know who is on the crews around this place. One of the dorks says "Okay, 'birthname', ummm, I mean, Laura." It probably was an honest mistake. But I was still annoyed. I rolled my eyes as I walked away and I thought to myself: "what a moron. It's been years since I changed my name, you schmuck." It didn't make me sad or angry. I just thought that the guy was an idiot.
Quote from: GenTechJ on August 28, 2014, 03:05:22 PM
Aside from a really sore jaw (hurts to eat at the moment) and the frustration of having to cancel cards and what not I'm ok. Police had both suspects in custody by noon. I didn't realize my street had surveillance cameras, but it makes sense since this used to be a really bad area and the city is trying to clean it up.
Thank you all :)
Also, yes. Karma will catch up to them at some point.
I'm glad that worked out as well as it probably could.
Quote from: Laura Squirrel on August 29, 2014, 11:18:01 PM
I saw that our typically clueless mailman dropped someone's mail again. (Even though we have communal mailboxes now, which should have eliminated this problem) It looked liked it was a hospital bill. So, I walked over to one of the maintenance crew and gave it them. They were standing there with some people that I know were just tenants because I know who is on the crews around this place. One of the dorks says "Okay, 'birthname', ummm, I mean, Laura." It probably was an honest mistake. But I was still annoyed. I rolled my eyes as I walked away and I thought to myself: "what a moron. It's been years since I changed my name, you schmuck." It didn't make me sad or angry. I just thought that the guy was an idiot.
I've had some snide comments from neighbors recently, and the imbalance of the social transaction annoys me. Somebody gets a brief and casual bit of satisfaction, and the other person is potentially hurt. That's not honorable behavior.
What made me unhappy today was renewing the paperwork for the voluntary part of my daughter's police record. Normally I would think of flagging a person to the police as a civil rights violation, but my kid attracts cops and our interactions are more peaceful if they have some heads up. Spelling out the specifics is kind of heartbreaking, though. It's also hard to guess which details will help the police and which might just scare them into being vicious. I don't know how to ensure everyone's safety.
I have a horrible headache and I just took two Ibuprofen and two asprin and took a headache pill about an hour ago. If this cause me to OD, then at least I won't have to deal with a headache anymore....then I have work in an hour. Ugh!
While most people are going to enjoy a 3 day weekend, I still only get one day off.
Quote from: FalseHybridPrincess on August 29, 2014, 09:11:04 PM
Do you enjoy challenges ?
I got between my current girlfriend and her ex, I cant say Im proud about it but I adore this girl so much I had to pursue her :-\
So what, you didn't see his name on her anywhere right? Nothing wrong about loving someone special enough to take action and make her yours!
Roy's Pie & Mash shop Dagenham closed for good.I often went there when I lived in London,friendly staff and great food(Eels are a food that must be tried),occasionally there'd be one of the cast of Eastenders there.
Quote from: big kim on August 30, 2014, 10:51:23 AM
Roy's Pie & Mash shop Dagenham closed for good.I often went there when I lived in London,friendly staff and great food(Eels are a food that must be tried),occasionally there'd be one of the cast of Eastenders there.
Must be the economy, was business slow for them?
Not sure,maybe traditional East End food has gone out of fashion with todays East Londoners
Quote from: big kim on August 30, 2014, 12:20:40 PM
Not sure,maybe traditional East End food has gone out of fashion with todays East Londoners
I've noticed a lot of small restaurant closures due to the flagging economy on this side of the big pond.
I'm just disgusted with my "male" body. No curves, too big a stomach & my back is so big. I went shopping today & found some so nice dresses but you know they do not fit. Disgusted with my shape.....................so damn ugly. I wore a size 14 early in life but now all that fits are monster size 16 then some of them are tight in the breast area. Yuck, Yuick, Yuck.
I'm off estradiol today. I need to change the weekly injection from Saturday to Sunday, since I spend most of the morning doing the weekly keratin straightening treatment. Injecting also takes me an extra long time between managing to break the neck on those extra hard ampoules. and getting calm enough to do the shot.
The result? Worst headache ever. My neck also hurts like mad, and I want to get to bed. Previously I had been off the whole stuff, AA's included, and at least I would get an energy surge and masturbate a bit to keep my mind occupied. Good thing that for me an orgasm is an orgasm and I don't hate my penis. I usually call "him" donor material, but I'm starting to thing of it as a nasty caterpillar that still has some time in that state... At least I keep it shaved, makes it less irritating.
Quote from: FrancisAnn on August 30, 2014, 01:08:20 PM
I'm just disgusted with my "male" body. No curves, too big a stomach & my back is so big. I went shopping today & found some so nice dresses but you know they do not fit. Disgusted with my shape.....................so damn ugly. I wore a size 14 early in life but now all that fits are monster size 16 then some of them are tight in the breast area. Yuck, Yuick, Yuck.
16 isn't "monster' size, not even for female framed bodies. Bigger than you may like but not monster. I wore a wedding dress bigger than that, (size 22) and it wasn't monster sized. Over sized ? ye.
I'm sorry you are feeling badly about the size you wear. You can and likely have done things that can change your size, but like all
good things,they take time. Hugs and patience dear lady. Do what you can and let the rest go.
Quote from: LordKAT on August 30, 2014, 01:58:44 PM
16 isn't "monster' size, not even for female framed bodies. Bigger than you may like but not monster. I wore a wedding dress bigger than that, (size 22) and it wasn't monster sized. Over sized ? ye.
I'm sorry you are feeling badly about the size you wear. You can and likely have done things that can change your size, but like all good things,they take time. Hugs and patience dear lady. Do what you can and let the rest go.
Yes, this part!
Thank you all. I've just not improved my life & my body to an acceptable level. Sometimes when I get depressed about it all I eat too much. So it's my fault. To me I should have completed my entire life change long ago, living full time as myself, GRS, enjoying a new life, dating & or in love with a nice man........., maybe even married to a nice man. So anyway I'm just dissappointed in what I have done. I cannot go back & can only forward so I'll try better. Thank you all so much for caring & responding. I'm so lucky to be a member of Susan's Place.
Someone wasted change on the ground, and the vulture inside of me wanted to scoop it all up. However, I only got 6 cents of it because the rest was too close to others and a bit out of my way. I just would have felt too uncomfortable picking it all up. I wish they wasted the change close. I was actually hoping someone else would get it. Oh well, a nickel and a penny is better than nothing. I know I'm trying to save for top surgery, but I don't want to look too desperate.
Last night something happened I never thought could. Someone whom I sincerely trusted and called a friend told me of a secret she was keeping from me that broke my heart and filled me with a sadness I haven't felt in a long time. This is a girl I've helped through many emotional crisis, a friend who I never thought would betray me. Oh how I was so so wrong. This just goes to show that my newfound happiness has left me too trusting and vunerable to emotional hurt and pain. Something I'll have to work to change in the future.
My friend, who hurt me still wants to remain friends. I do believe she sincerely is sorry for keeping this secret as long as she did. But I dunno if I want to take the chance on getting hurt like this again in the future. I've been wrestling with how to handle this since last night. Part of me doesn't want to lose a friendship that has been building for months now, but another part of me wants to protect myself from future hurt. The girl in question has been going through her own problems so I must consider this may have just been a grievous error in judgment on her part. I hope I make the right decision. The only thing I can say for sure is that I never wanna get hurt like this again if it can be helped. :icon_dizzy:
Ali :icon_flower:
Woke up totally congested and can barely breath and have a bad earache, plus all of my old injuries have flared up so I'm in a lot of pain and can hardly move as well :P
Not only that but it's a hot muggy day with intermittent rain showers and I still have to ride out to the store to pick up a few things :P
Quote from: V M on August 30, 2014, 04:53:00 PM
Woke up totally congested and can barely breath and have a bad earache, plus all of my old injuries have flared up so I'm in a lot of pain and can hardly move as well :P
Not only that but it's a hot muggy day with intermittent rain showers and I still have to ride out to the store to pick up a few things :P
Hang in there GF. Hope life gets better.
Quote from: Allyda on August 30, 2014, 04:48:10 PM
Last night something happened I never thought could. Someone whom I sincerely trusted and called a friend told me of a secret she was keeping from me that broke my heart and filled me with a sadness I haven't felt in a long time. This is a girl I've helped through many emotional crisis, a friend who I never thought would betray me. Oh how I was so so wrong. This just goes to show that my newfound happiness has left me too trusting and vunerable to emotional hurt and pain. Something I'll have to work to change in the future.
My friend, who hurt me still wants to remain friends. I do believe she sincerely is sorry for keeping this secret as long as she did. But I dunno if I want to take the chance on getting hurt like this again in the future. I've been wrestling with how to handle this since last night. Part of me doesn't want to lose a friendship that has been building for months now, but another part of me wants to protect myself from future hurt. The girl in question has been going through her own problems so I must consider this may have just been a grievous error in judgment on her part. I hope I make the right decision. The only thing I can say for sure is that I never wanna get hurt like this again if it can be helped. :icon_dizzy:
Ali :icon_flower:
Ally. Sorry for the betrayal your girl friend.
I also sometimes betray a person. Many people think that I am very reliable and dependable person, but actually I am not. They expect too much from me. When I advise a man, he usually thinks I betray him, but actually I do not.
If anybody suddenly tries to avoid me, then I do not care.
barbie~~
Quote from: FrancisAnn on August 30, 2014, 05:26:14 PM
Hang in there GF. Hope life gets better.
Thank you Francis
Hugs
Quote from: FrancisAnn on August 30, 2014, 02:28:50 PM
Thank you all. I've just not improved my life & my body to an acceptable level. Sometimes when I get depressed about it all I eat too much. So it's my fault. To me I should have completed my entire life change long ago, living full time as myself, GRS, enjoying a new life, dating & or in love with a nice man........., maybe even married to a nice man. So anyway I'm just dissappointed in what I have done. I cannot go back & can only forward so I'll try better. Thank you all so much for caring & responding. I'm so lucky to be a member of Susan's Place.
Yes. I can not have all of them. I am satisfied with what I have now.
barbie~~
Depressed, unhappy and struggling... :'(
Quote from: Jenny07 on August 30, 2014, 09:32:37 PM
Depressed, unhappy and struggling... :'(
Sorry to hear that, Jen. Life can just be like that :(
Feel free to PM if you wish. Can also catch up during the working day/week for coffee or whatever if that helps.
Hugs!
Ros
I'm unhappy because I'm not finding anyone who wants to go diving on Monday.
Robyn
Quote from: FrancisAnn on August 30, 2014, 01:08:20 PM
I'm just disgusted with my "male" body. No curves, too big a stomach & my back is so big. I went shopping today & found some so nice dresses but you know they do not fit. Disgusted with my shape.....................so damn ugly. I wore a size 14 early in life but now all that fits are monster size 16 then some of them are tight in the breast area. Yuck, Yuick, Yuck.
We've all got our size problems. I'm either a 2 or 4, but everything is too short on me.
Women's clothes sizes weren't meant to fit. Anyone.
I gave my blanket to a crying woman, got it back and she had peed herself in it.
I have a friend who is waaaayyy too curious about my physical situation. As in, she wants to actually see me without clothes on. I...yeah no lol.
Quote from: birkin on August 31, 2014, 09:08:53 AM
I gave my blanket to a crying woman, got it back and she had peed herself in it.
Some people have to endure all the fun stuff life throws at them! :D
Quote from: birkin on August 31, 2014, 09:08:53 AM
I have a friend who is waaaayyy too curious about my physical situation. As in, she wants to actually see me without clothes on. I...yeah no lol.
Uh - yeah I've had a few "friends" like that, they went to acquaintance status rather quickly....bleep!
Quote from: FrancisAnn on August 30, 2014, 01:08:20 PM
I'm just disgusted with my "male" body. No curves, too big a stomach & my back is so big. I went shopping today & found some so nice dresses but you know they do not fit. Disgusted with my shape.....................so damn ugly. I wore a size 14 early in life but now all that fits are monster size 16 then some of them are tight in the breast area. Yuck, Yuick, Yuck.
Don't beat up on yourself Francis none of us have perfect teenage bodies anymore, we just learn to dress around the problem areas like cis women do.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimagizer.imageshack.us%2Fv2%2Fxq90%2F673%2FiRBMgt.jpg&hash=1d9722d1f4b5f8208cb4541241cab26bad691412) (https://imageshack.com/i/ipiRBMgtj)
Being me. Pretending I'm pk. :'(
It was yesterday, I can never face posting this stuff on the day.
My first endo appointment is Tuesday. I was driving Sweety to work as I tend to do when I'm off.
Sweety: You understand why we can't move south yet, right.
Me: Well I have two reasons. I'm just starting with the new doctor and shouldn't switch for a while, and... you said we would separate if the HRT has too much of a visible effect.
Sweety (pleased): Those were mine too. I'm glad we're on the same page.
Previously she told me that she can't bear to be perceived as a lesbian. How can HRT NOT have a physical effect eventually, even at low dose? I am so screwed!
I cried all the way home.
Quote from: Shantel on August 31, 2014, 09:22:45 AM
Some people have to endure all the fun stuff life throws at them! :D
Uh - yeah I've had a few "friends" like that, they went to acquaintance status rather quickly....bleep!
Yeah lol I don't know. She's cool and all but it weirds me out and I sort of regret telling her.
Quote from: birkin on August 31, 2014, 10:05:09 AM
Yeah lol I don't know. She's cool and all but it weirds me out and I sort of regret telling her.
My SO claims that when we're out in public all the nut cases are drawn to me like flies on a turd. You may be experiencing a little of that attraction from the woman.
Quote from: Shantel on August 31, 2014, 10:24:37 AM
My SO claims that when we're out in public all the nut cases are drawn to me like flies on a turd. You may be experiencing a little of that attraction from the woman.
Hehe, well Ive had this before I started transitioning aswell..and not necessarily in a 'creepy' way but often elderly/unstable people felt compelled to strike up a conversation with me, I guess its the way I express myself I guess
Quote from: Laura Squirrel on August 27, 2014, 05:21:58 PM
:D
Ouch.
Yeah, larger shoe sizes are annoying. I remember when I switched to women's sneakers. I was stuck with looking for 11's. It was really annoying. I am down to 9's now. But my main problem is that it seems that the "80's style" of sneakers are coming back. So, all of the women's sneakers are like, these hideous neon colors and black. :icon_blah: If I were an 11 year old girl in 1988, it would be fine. But, I'm not :D so I have to search for sneakers with decent color schemes. I don't bother with dressy shoes since I just wear tops and jeans.
Converse. All shoes labeled for men and women, American and European labeling. I'm currently wearing lowtops, creamsicle orange, size 11 women's. They have larger.
Quote from: Liam Erik on August 31, 2014, 10:41:02 AM
My garden, in which I carefully planted tomatoes, 3 kinds of peppers, beans, strawberries, peanuts, potatoes, onions, peas, cabbage, broccoli, spinach, and lettuce, is 80% weeds and my vegetables are all rotting on the stem. I went over a solid month without a single minute to work in it or pick anything, and now I want to mow the whole thing off and forget about it.
I'm not doing very well. I sleep all day because I can't bear to do anything. I don't feel like anything I do matters in the least. Everything that happens now, I've already been through enough times that I can't believe it's either important, or going to make anything better.
Liam,
Hang in there friend, don't let depression pull you down, get up and get moving! I grow tomatoes and bell peppers here, for the previous four years our efforts were rained out or destroyed by aphids. This year we had a real summer in the PNW and so far I have canned two dozen quarts of tomatoes and it looks as if we will be enjoying stuffed green peppers soon. We never let up or got discouraged on the planting and replanting. Never let up, never give up Liam, you hear me fella, get up and get it in gear, you can do it.
Two words: morning wood.
I mean, how the hell is this even still possible? I HAVE NO FREAKING BALLS. I ditched them 7 weeks ago. UGH!
Quote from: Jill F on August 31, 2014, 12:17:59 PM
Two words: morning wood.
I mean, how the hell is this even still possible? I HAVE NO FREAKING BALLS. I ditched them 7 weeks ago. UGH!
Get over it, I ditched mine in 2001 and still experience the same thing and I'm freaking 71 so wtf huh?
Quote from: Shantel on August 31, 2014, 12:19:44 PM
Get over it, I ditched mine in 2001 and still experience the same thing and I'm freaking 71 so wtf huh?
"Hello, Dr. Bowers? Can you finish the job?"
Yeah, this isn't going to work long term. I needed that thing put out to pasture ages ago.
Quote from: Jill F on August 31, 2014, 12:17:59 PM
Two words: morning wood.
I mean, how the hell is this even still possible? I HAVE NO FREAKING BALLS. I ditched them 7 weeks ago. UGH!
Woke up to an erotic dream? ^^
Ive had no morning erections for the past 4 months ...until this morning. Odd coincidence, but I am only 4,5 months on HRT so thats no a good comparison
Quote from: Shantel on August 31, 2014, 10:24:37 AM
My SO claims that when we're out in public all the nut cases are drawn to me like flies on a turd. You may be experiencing a little of that attraction from the woman.
Maybe. She was like "I just have to know, I have to know because I want to know you as a person and this is part of you." Um, you already know me as a person, my physical configuration basically goes against everything I feel about myself so actually you'd know me LESS if I let you do that.
Mom told me what my dad said when she told him I'm transgender. Basically, he's taking it very hard and said something like this: "I always made fun of those weirdos, even beating them up, back when he was in school and now I got a daughter who happens to fall under the same category."
Ouch. Looks like the past came back to bite him in the butt.
Quote from: Marcellow on August 31, 2014, 02:39:13 PM
Mom told me what my dad said when she told him I'm transgender. Basically, he's taking it very hard and said something like this: "I always made fun of those weirdos, even beating them up, back when he was in school and now I got a daughter who happens to fall under the same category."
Ouch. Looks like the past came back to bite him in the butt.
Ouch, well, he deserves it and hopefully this is a wake up call for him...
Quote from: birkin on August 31, 2014, 02:49:35 PM
Ouch, well, he deserves it and hopefully this is a wake up call for him...
Yeah, I'm basically his punishment more or less.
We're from South America so there are cultural barriers...
I don't see it as you being his punishment, I see it as you being a reason for him to reconsider his ignorance.
Quote from: birkin on August 31, 2014, 03:13:30 PM
I don't see it as you being his punishment, I see it as you being a reason for him to reconsider his ignorance.
I agree with Caleb.
Relationships are stupid.
Quote from: birkin on August 31, 2014, 03:13:30 PM
I don't see it as you being his punishment, I see it as you being a reason for him to reconsider his ignorance.
Him and the rest of the world. ;)
Quote from: Edge on August 31, 2014, 07:38:10 PM
I agree with Caleb.
Relationships are stupid.
It's hard thinking of yourself as anything other than the family black sheep.
Quote from: Marcellow on August 31, 2014, 09:17:38 PMIt's hard thinking of yourself as anything other than the family black sheep.
I like being the black sheep. I don't like my family much.
At least I'm not the only black sheep then,....well black KAT.
SO when she said "if I had known, what I know now when we first met, we would not have been married." Hastily reworded as - "if I was 20 and you told me you were trans* I would not have known how to handle it and would have walked the other way".
Left me with the obvious rejoinder "as I didn't know what trans* was, much less knew that I was trans*, I am not sure that this is a useful conversation" then "are you saying that our 30 year marriage, 2 brilliant children and, by any measure, great life is one that you would have chosen not to have, because I am MTNB?"
To which she said "no, I didn't meant that, don't be so sensitive. You are a much nicer person on hrt than you were before, and things are good."
Which left me wondering, WTF?!! ???
Could she be saying she is glad she didn't know sooner or she wouldn't have the good life the 2 of you have together?
Electrolysis appt. was for tomorrow afternoon. I could not stand it, my facial hair was 7-10 days long, so dirty, just so dirty. I could not sleep & last night at 1:30 in the morning I shaved. I could not stand it another minute much less another day or 2. Damn I hate facial hair on my face. Unhappy for sure.
Quote from: Liam Erik on August 31, 2014, 08:08:37 PM
Thanks so much for saying this... I appreciate it. I needed to hear from someone. I took your advice; one of the dubious upsides of living on a farm is the abundance of things to do at any given time, so I picked the one that seemed most doable and necessary and meditative, and did it, and felt rather better.
Way to go keep up the momentum. I'm retired and could easily let myself slip into one of those funks, but I get up at sunup and get started on my list that I intentionally make up the previous evening of things I need to do and start punching them out mechanically until I get perked up internally, it's kept me younger rather than just giving up and laying around which is a sure prescription for an early demise.
Quote from: Aisla on September 01, 2014, 01:57:05 AM
SO when she said "if I had known, what I know now when we first met, we would not have been married." Hastily reworded as - "if I was 20 and you told me you were trans* I would not have known how to handle it and would have walked the other way".
Left me with the obvious rejoinder "as I didn't know what trans* was, much less knew that I was trans*, I am not sure that this is a useful conversation" then "are you saying that our 30 year marriage, 2 brilliant children and, by any measure, great life is one that you would have chosen not to have, because I am MTNB?"
To which she said "no, I didn't meant that, don't be so sensitive. You are a much nicer person on hrt than you were before, and things are good."
Which left me wondering, WTF?!! ???
Welcome to my world girlfriend! :D
Losing all faith in FFS. Supposedly I'm doing partial since I can't afford to do everything now, but... my jaw. My freaking man-jaw.
I was trying these two tops to decide which one I should keep. Not only both look terrible on me (as any piece of female clothing), but... Damned long man face. I'm fixing everything but the upper lip, jaw and chin because they were supposed to be the least important parts, but... They probably still are too important.
I'm a monster.
Quote from: Julia (Apple-Whatever) on September 01, 2014, 11:16:07 AM
Losing all faith in FFS. Supposedly I'm doing partial since I can't afford to do everything now, but... my jaw. My freaking man-jaw.
I was trying these two tops to decide which one I should keep. Not only both look terrible on me (as any piece of female clothing), but... Damned long man face. I'm fixing everything but the upper lip, jaw and chin because they were supposed to be the least important parts, but... They probably still are too important.
I'm a monster.
No you're not, stop that Julia!
religious and political turds at the end of the bridgewalk. I don't want your BS. It's horridly sad of you to turn a fun tradition into a political scheme. Please stay away from me. If you way anything negative to me, up goes the finger, and there I walk away.
Glad I avoided them, I'm afraid I'd have just broken down and cried or yelled back.
Rule #1 with me; never tell me who to vote for, what deity to believe in, or what my morals should be. I vote for who helps me the most, believe in what I want to believe in, and make my own decisions. Shouldn't you respect that everyone else has the right not to be harassed for their actions if they are in no way pertinent to you?
I'm afraid when the farmers come to town next weekend that there may be an issue like there was 2-3 weeks ago, where someone came into my store just to say things like I'm the "spawn of Satan" and I need to repent right then an there, and accept that Jesus made me a man et al. Had to get into a shouting match because he wouldn't leave after I asked nicely.
I thought a few hours later that I should have said "I must be a better woman than your mother if she taught you to treat people like that." Hindsight is 20/20, I guess.
Quote from: Lauren5 on September 01, 2014, 01:22:13 PM
religious and political turds at the end of the bridgewalk. I don't want your BS. It's horridly sad of you to turn a fun tradition into a political scheme. Please stay away from me. If you way anything negative to me, up goes the finger, and there I walk away.
Glad I avoided them, I'm afraid I'd have just broken down and cried or yelled back.
Rule #1 with me; never tell me who to vote for, what deity to believe in, or what my morals should be. I vote for who helps me the most, believe in what I want to believe in, and make my own decisions. Shouldn't you respect that everyone else has the right not to be harassed for their actions if they are in no way pertinent to you?
I'm afraid when the farmers come to town next weekend that there may be an issue like there was 2-3 weeks ago, where someone came into my store just to say things like I'm the "spawn of Satan" and I need to repent right then an there, and accept that Jesus made me a man et al. Had to get into a shouting match because he wouldn't leave after I asked nicely.
I thought a few hours later that I should have said "I must be a better woman than your mother if she taught you to treat people like that." Hindsight is 20/20, I guess.
Good response but it might result in an unfortunate situation. Better not to tempt the bigots, you never know what they will do.
Relationships make me weak and I don't like that. I'm terrified of history repeating itself. I'm unable to see any other outcome. I have no one to talk to about this. Maybe I would if I was less me, but I don't want to be any less me. I'd rather be alone. After all, not being alone is causing me problems.
Nasty, disgusting, filthy children coughing and hacking in my face for half of the day at work. I think it's child abuse when a parent takes their knowingly sick kids in public. Nasty children....ugh!!!!
I can be so bad with people.
Quote from: King Malachite on September 01, 2014, 07:44:28 PM
Nasty, disgusting, filthy children coughing and hacking in my face for half of the day at work. I think it's child abuse when a parent takes their knowingly sick kids in public. Nasty children....ugh!!!!
I'm sorry, I was just REALLY sick!
iiMTF
Quote from: iiMTF on September 01, 2014, 09:25:38 PM
I'm sorry, I was just REALLY sick!
iiMTF
I really hope I don't get sick. :/ If I do, then I still have to go to work. Oh well, if those kids can come in sick, then so can I.
Quote from: King Malachite on September 02, 2014, 01:04:09 AM
I really hope I don't get sick. :/ If I do, then I still have to go to work. Oh well, if those kids can come in sick, then so can I.
Lol... Let's hope not!
iiMTF
Hopefully being around those sick kids help me build up a little bit of resistance.
Quote from: King Malachite on September 02, 2014, 01:07:17 AM
Hopefully being around those sick kids help me build up a little bit of resistance.
In which case, you're welcome! xD
iiMTF
Lol :D
Quote from: LordKAT on September 01, 2014, 07:33:53 AM
Could she be saying she is glad she didn't know sooner or she wouldn't have the good life the 2 of you have together?
Kat
Good call. You may be right. I need to learn to believe a positive intent particularly when my first reaction is that it is an attack. :)
Aisla
I was pondering whether it was ok for me to wear flip flops on our outing today. My husband responded "sure, all the other girls do that too". :'(:(:'(:( He doesn't understand.
First day of school today. First day of actual nursing classes today.
If that is not worrisome and stressful enough for me, well, woke up at 10:30 am this morning, 3+ hours after I had my alarm set and 2 hours after class started, so ya, missed the first class day.........
I KNOW my alarm was set for the right time, I just never heard it today, must've got up shut if off w/o even being awake.
I went to bed at a normal time (for me) but I just couldn't get comfortable and couldn't shut my brain off so couldn't fall asleep. It didn't help that when I got up a few hours later to go pee that I heard a car just flying thru my parking lot followed by flashing lights...Apparently some idiot was running from the police and stopped his class super close to my building, I mean, it sounded like he was gonna hit it from where I was when I heard it, and got away. But ya, that definitely kept me up about an extra hour till bout 4 am..
So ya, now I am totally freaking out because this happened, missed the first day. What a way to start the new school year, especially considering how rough my last semester went for me in the spring.
Quote from: Aisla on September 02, 2014, 02:19:50 AM
Kat
Good call. You may be right. I need to learn to believe a positive intent particularly when my first reaction is that it is an attack. :)
Aisla
There are forever questions that the SO will put up, they always seem to be confrontational at first, that's because of inherent fear of some unknown answer other than what they already know in their heart already. It's a defensive mechanism rather than an attack, so it's always best to take the time to sit down for a patient discussion where you often times are just confirming in a peaceful and loving manner what they already know or suspect they know.
I recently downloaded a newer operating system on my MackBook Pro and the dang thing respells some of my words that aren't misspelled in the first place and if I don't edit everything I write it will seem as if I've been drinking, what I had intended to say becomes unintelligible. I hate it when this damned thing thinks it's smarter than me. I just renamed my laptop "Hal".
Quote from: Shantel on September 02, 2014, 10:41:48 AM
I recently downloaded a newer operating system on my MackBook Pro and the dang thing respells some of my words that aren't misspelled in the first place and if I don't edit everything I write it will seem as if I've been drinking, what I had intended to say becomes unintelligible. I hate it when this damned thing thinks it's smarter than me. I just renamed my laptop "Hal".
Can't you turn off the auto correct feature?
Quote from: LordKAT on September 02, 2014, 12:06:44 PM
Can't you turn off the auto correct feature?
I probably could, but then again at my age I'm not winning any spelling bees so I just resigned myself to doing a quick edit before prosting....Lol
Quote from: Shantel on September 02, 2014, 12:12:29 PM
I probably could, but then again at my age I'm not winning any spelling bees so I just resigned myself to doing a quick edit before prosting....Lol
I think it missed one on you there...
Quote from: Jaime R D on September 02, 2014, 12:13:42 PM
I think it missed one on you there...
Did it on porpoise just to be funny!
Quote from: Shantel on September 02, 2014, 10:41:48 AM
I recently downloaded a newer operating system on my MackBook Pro and the dang thing respells some of my words that aren't misspelled in the first place and if I don't edit everything I write it will seem as if I've been drinking, what I had intended to say becomes unintelligible. I hate it when this damned thing thinks it's smarter than me. I just renamed my laptop "Hal".
Isn't it just terrible when the machines get that way?
I want to go to bed and I am falling appart, but my nails are still drying. this sucks. Also, having a "wish I had a vagina" moment.
Hugs to everyone having a bad day today!^-^ Hope y'all have a better day tomorrow!
Jury Duty.
No, it gets worse. I have to report under my OLD name and prove in person that I changed it legally.
Quote from: Jill F on September 02, 2014, 06:50:15 PM
Jury Duty.
No, it gets worse. I have to report under my OLD name and prove in person that I changed it legally.
I wrote them a letter and told them I was deaf, end of problem. It's not that I wouldn't want to be a jurist, but when the attorneys are picking the jury and they ask me if I think police always tell the truth I say no.....Breeeeep you're outa here we can't use you! When the accused was caught selling drugs to school kids........Breeeeep they don't like my opinion.
I sure have bitched a lot lately however I still need to vent. I'm so dissapointed in myself. Why did I not complete everything earlier in life when I was young so I could have lived & enjoyed a nice life as a normal woman???? I've been a girl/woman my entire life, never any question at all. Now I'm in my late 50's & it's just so much harder now, so many hoops to jump thru......., facial hair removal, just everything seems harder & there is no way to look young & pretty no matter the plastic surgery.
My sister felt the need to call me to tell me she hit a turkey while driving. As an animal lover, I told her I didn't want to hear about it, and she me feel bad.
Quote from: FrancisAnn on September 02, 2014, 08:19:45 PM
I sure have bitched a lot lately however I still need to vent. I'm so dissapointed in myself. Why did I not complete everything earlier in life when I was young so I could have lived & enjoyed a nice life as a normal woman???? I've been a girl/woman my entire life, never any question at all. Now I'm in my late 50's & it's just so much harder now, so many hoops to jump thru......., facial hair removal, just everything seems harder & there is no way to look young & pretty no matter the plastic surgery.
Calm down honey and just keep on keeping on, there's no such thing as can't, it's something we say when we've given up. Marcie Bowers told me she performed SRS on a woman in her mid 80's, it isn't over for you by any means.
Quote from: Shantel on September 02, 2014, 08:49:52 PM
Calm down honey and just keep on keeping on, there's no such thing as can't, it's something we say when we've given up. Marcie Bowers told me she performed SRS on a woman in her mid 80's, it isn't over for you by any means.
Thanks. I'm OK it's just there was never any question for me. I knew I was a girl in grammar school........I'm plugging away, I just get bitchy sometimes. Your a kind soul to read all these down posts & help members cope.
GRAWR WHY CAN'T ALL PROBLEMS BE SOLVED NAO.
jfc arielle scarcella tries so hard but she just...can't.
Can't seem to eat a damn thing anymore without my stomach (or other bits) doing convulsions or getting stabbing pains.
Like all I've seriously eaten today was a cup of jell-o, a cup of mashed potatoes, an energy bar and vitamins. I feel like I could projectile launch right now.
I wasted a little bit of my last pack of my cherry limeade mix.
Should have gotten SRS first. I'm in a sexually hyperactive mode and I have a massive half boner that will be full by the time I remove the gaff to pee.
I miss Caleb. We almost broke up today. our being apart is really straining our relationship. It's 05:38 and I havent slept because I'm still reeling from the buthurt he unleashed on me. He made valid points and I can't say that my counterpoints were as good. I actually kept a level head this time though. that's a first.
Quote from: Shantel on September 02, 2014, 10:41:48 AM
I recently downloaded a newer operating system on my MackBook Pro and the dang thing respells some of my words that aren't misspelled in the first place and if I don't edit everything I write it will seem as if I've been drinking, what I had intended to say becomes unintelligible. I hate it when this damned thing thinks it's smarter than me. I just renamed my laptop "Hal".
I can imagine how annoying that would be. My iPhone auto-corrects my spelling, too. I leave it on because I'm not the best at typing with my thumbs so sometimes what I type does actually need correcting, and it's nice to have apostrophes automatically inserted into my words, but half the time it just seems to randomly replace words which render my sentences incoherent, so I have to do a lot of editing, too... I'm really not sure if I'm better off with or without it. Apple definitely needs to program their auto-correct better.
I woke up alone... :(
Even though I am married, sometimes I feel so alone in the mornings..
I don't know how to splain it.???
Quote from: Mark3 on September 03, 2014, 06:42:12 AM
I woke up alone... :(
Even though I am married, sometimes I feel so alone in the mornings..
I don't know how to splain it.???
I think I know how it feels :(
Quote from: Rainbow Brite on September 03, 2014, 04:43:49 AM
I miss Caleb. We almost broke up today. our being apart is really straining our relationship. It's 05:38 and I havent slept because I'm still reeling from the buthurt he unleashed on me. He made valid points and I can't say that my counterpoints were as good. I actually kept a level head this time though. that's a first.
I've been wondering about you two!
It is possible to leave spell check on and turn auto correct off, at least I could when it gave me trouble on an older system. I'm a real hater of auto correct, it should be called auto wrong.
hot day, frosh week, spandex microshorts.
damn their well upholstered buts, not to mention camel...
:/
Quote from: LordKAT on September 03, 2014, 02:58:15 PM
It is possible to leave spell check on and turn auto correct off, at least I could when it gave me trouble on an older system. I'm a real hater of auto correct, it should be called auto wrong.
I dunno, I'll have to fiddle around. I'll probably screw something else up.
Quote from: Shantel on September 03, 2014, 04:20:53 PM
I dunno, I'll have to fiddle around. I'll probably screw something else up.
or you could just get a real computer....
:P
Quote from: Jaime R D on September 03, 2014, 04:22:14 PM
or you could just get a real computer....
:P
Had three of those crashing PC's, was held hostage for years by the dudes in Redmond, Washington with all their inferior software built on a hole filled platform, not me Sis! They all reside in a landfill somewhere.
Quote from: Shantel on September 03, 2014, 04:25:36 PM
Had three of those crashing PC's, was held hostage for years by the dudes in Redmond, Washington with all their inferior software built on a hole filled platform, not me Sis! They all reside in a landfill somewhere.
I've got a refurbed hp laptop that I've been using for about 4 years now with windows 7 that I put on it and its been solid as heck. Some of the laptops around aren't built well though and are prone to overheating easily. I also think they did make a mistake going to windows 8 so soon. Windows 7 seems very reliable to me and doesn't need rebooting every time you turn around, I go months without rebooting.
Quote from: Jaime R D on September 03, 2014, 04:22:14 PM
or you could just get a real computer....
:P
oh... you mean like one of these?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F4Ly5Yap.jpg&hash=a20bfe0598b962d15ada3e43ae3beee5ff03073d)
Quote from: Shantel on September 03, 2014, 04:25:36 PM
Had three of those crashing PC's, was held hostage for years by the dudes in Redmond, Washington with all their inferior software built on a hole filled platform, not me Sis! They all reside in a landfill somewhere.
yep. I don't do windows either...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.chaoswallpapers.com%2Fwallpapers%2Flinux_penguin_suck_windows-1400x1050.jpg&hash=552886175c227d49e13493e3dd7d1274204a8636)
Listening to the usual wrong pronouns and pretending they didn't mean anything to me.
Also, had an appointment with my doctor yesterday. He said this: "They thing it's just girls, but boys can be just as much of a pain" or something like that. It was pretty funny to me, because he doesn't know.
Oh, and finally, at the near end of the appointment. My mom told my doctor about "my concerns involving trans". I get hes a doctor and all, and should be told, but I believe that's my job. I never gave her permission to tell anyone. If I want somebody to know, I'll tell them. Although there was a good part to it. Before my mom told him it, he had me fill out a survey. The survey basically asked "Are you depressed lately", "Have you ever attempted suicide", etc. etc. Of course, I put yes to both of those questions, and a high rate at that. The doctor seemed to be really concerned, but when she told him that, he made a face like "Yep... THAT explains a lot..." lol
iiMTF
I've been on break while just hanging out with close friends who know I'm trans for a few weeks now. I've been getting really used to hearing my preferred name lately. Unfortunately I'm only out to a couple of people on my college's staff, so I got to hear my male name today for the first time in weeks. The fact that it was all day long really grated on me more than it ever did before.
I just went ahead and made sure the rest of the school's staff knows what's going on after that. I'm still not completely out there, but I need to start making steps to get there.
Things have been going down at work...like there were several serious incidents today. Fortunately I wasn't involved and I'm safe but apparently one worker was injured. I am doing a night shift tonight though and I'm a little worried.
I screwed up my budget this month which left me without enough to make my house payment and still pay the bills. This will be the first time I've ever been behind in over 5 years now. Luckily I'm owner financed and my mortgage holder is a decent guy. I'll get it caught back up before the end of the year. I just hate it when I get this careless with my finances, usually I'm far from it. I have been in a better mood this week which is a good indication my monthly cycle of bitchiness is over -for now, and I'm glad of that.
Ali :icon_flower:
caught a bad cold and broke a guitar string.
both really bad IMO.
In the waiting room for my hysto consult. I almost cried in the hallway. I just want this to be over. I also know that there will be a smear test at some point, if not today, then later. I know that I have come SO far but this is just such a long and drawn out process, you know?
Quote from: birkin on September 04, 2014, 09:56:16 AM
In the waiting room for my hysto consult. I almost cried in the hallway. I just want this to be over. I also know that there will be a smear test at some point, if not today, then later. I know that I have come SO far but this is just such a long and drawn out process, you know?
I know, hang in there hon the finish line is in sight, just over the next few humps in the road.
A transguy I'm subscribed to on Youtube removed many of the videos that I enjoyed and considered an ispiration.
Not sure why but I'm having some depression today. My mood has so much more level since starting HRT on Sunday but today I'm not feeling too good. :(
Mom texted me that she loves me alot but still using female pronouns in Spanish and wants me to shave or wear long pants when hitting the gym because it's ugly to have a ton of hair on your arms and legs. I guess that can't be helped for now but once I start taking T in a few weeks, this whole "don't cut your hair short, shave those legs and arms and mustache" thing better stop because I don't want to be referred to as my birth middle name anymore.
RIP Joan Rivers. I really liked her & am so sad. She was not afraid of anything I do not think. So sad.
Quote from: Wynternight on September 04, 2014, 12:34:22 PM
Not sure why but I'm having some depression today. My mood has so much more level since starting HRT on Sunday but today I'm not feeling too good. :(
It takes a while for things to stabilize. Don't overthink it. Like Annie said, the sun'll come out tomorrow. <3
I didn't find any change on the ground today.
I have a long work day tomorrow and I'm not sure when it ends. I know it starts just before noon though and ends well after 9 pm.
Pretty much goes back to Tuesday after having surgery was told that I have to remain of the mone's for an additional 30 days due to the higher risk of blood clots. There's no way in hell I'm gonna make it 30 days. I told him one more week. If it kills me so be it. Just got home from the hospital this afternoon ugh not feeling the best right now 3:50 am and I can't sleep fml
Finding a cheese sandwich science project
Our apartment building was sold last week. Our new landlord is a contractor and his people are renovating the apartment above us. Last week they took out the tub and debris was raining down through the drop ceiling into our tub and sink, bad, but understandable.
Today, however, they started work in the master bedroom, with power tools,... at 7:00 a.m.! This after I was stuck in the ER with a client last night and didn't get home until after 1:00. Our town has ordinances about starting that kind of work before 8:00 a.m. We'll call today and complain to the landlord and if we get no satisfaction I WILL make a police report regarding disturbing the peace if it happens again. It would be a shame to lose this apartment and have to move for standing up for our rights with the new landlord.
Yes, I know that they can't legally retaliate. I also know there are ways, and who wants to live in a place where you're at war with the landlord?
Today I went to the funeral of a friend's father. He had remarried so his second family were also there. My friend is the eldest daughter from the first marriage. She looked after her father through a very long illness and played peacemaker for nearly 40 years. There was no acknowledgement of her love, her support or of her being such a dutiful daughter.
She doesn't expect any acknowledgement or thanks and knows that her father abused her mother, yet she still loved him unconditionally. Don't know why I am unhappy if she doesn't appear to be unhappy herself.
Quote from: Aisla on September 05, 2014, 09:11:33 AM
Today I went to the funeral of a friend's father. He had remarried so his second family were also there. My friend is the eldest daughter from the first marriage. She looked after her father through a very long illness and played peacemaker for nearly 40 years. There was no acknowledgement of her love, her support or of her being such a dutiful daughter.
She doesn't expect any acknowledgement or thanks and knows that her father abused her mother, yet she still loved him unconditionally. Don't know why I am unhappy if she doesn't appear to be unhappy herself.
It's easy to understand how you feel though, often times we are standing outside of the glass house they all live in and can see things so much more clearly then they are able. The point that stands out most in your observation is how sensitive your own heart s toward the woman and her family. Kudos to you dear!
Quote from: big kim on September 05, 2014, 06:50:41 AM
Finding a cheese sandwich science project
Found a few of those in my kids toy box. (ugh!)
This one was in a kettle!
Egocentric people.
Ugh.
I'm all for people being confident in themselves and stuff, but being forced to listen to the same few people endlessly blowing their own trumpet and harp on about how awesome they are, and how life is a breeze, and how they're god's gift to Humanity... for hours at a time makes me sorely want to take those trumpets and shove them where the sun don't shine.
Some people really just need to get over themselves. My jaw is aching from smiling politely.
Quote from: Sephirah on September 05, 2014, 02:13:24 PM
Egocentric people.
Ugh.
I'm all for people being confident in themselves and stuff, but being forced to listen to the same few people endlessly blowing their own trumpet and harp on about how awesome they are, and how life is a breeze, and how they're god's gift to Humanity... for hours at a time makes me sorely want to take those trumpets and shove them where the sun don't shine.
Some people really just need to get over themselves. My jaw is aching from smiling politely.
I can't smile politely at these people any more. Usually my eyeballs start to ache from rolling them backward so much. Unfortunately I live in the part of LA where all of the entertainment industry douchenozzles live and I can't ever get away from them.
I feel old today. I feel good but just old. I see so many girls here that are like 19 & improving their lives. Gosh where did all the years go? Oh well, I'm alive & in very good physical shape & after around one year of HRT I feel better about myself than I ever have.
Two people told me that I sounded like a woman today. People who don't know that I am trans.
Seem to have major thought blockage and word vomit towards my new boss. Well.. maybe thats not it. I always kind of do, but usually interactions are longer so the logic and words tend to settle themselves for the majority. Quick casual questions in passing leave me sputtering all sorts of nonsense. Yesterday I'm pretty sure I told her me and this other girl "sat around a lot" for a 7 hour day when we actually did a lot of things..
whoops
Bad Call of Duty: Black Ops lag
Bumped into my ex wife today while doing groceries.
Didn't say anything but it was her. Of all people to bump into in Sydney?
Haven't seen her for 13 years.
Bad, bad memories.
Left her after she got pregnant.
Not mine...
B...
Waking up again with stuff between my legs. Surely one morning I can awake with a nice vagina & a normal body.
One of my best friends' brother-in-law died in a car wreck today. He was a good kid and a good roadie.
I feel so bad for their entire family.
stoma pain
Quote from: FrancisAnn on September 07, 2014, 08:17:49 AM
Waking up again with stuff between my legs. Surely one morning I can awake with a nice vagina & a normal body.
I have wished for that for many years.
Not being done with Christmas shopping....ugh
Quote from: King Malachite on September 08, 2014, 11:59:06 AM
Not being done with Christmas shopping....ugh
That's not at all unusual, most guys procrastinate until the last few days before.
Quote from: King Malachite on September 08, 2014, 11:59:06 AM
Not being done with Christmas shopping....ugh
its not even october!
Long work day again, with no relief in sight. Can I call in dead?
Quote from: LordKAT on September 09, 2014, 05:28:32 AM
Long work day again, with no relief in sight. Can I call in dead?
I think if you have called in sick enough times that's the only excuse you have left. I know I've wanted to use that line a couple of times
Day 7 of bad dysphoria have been having a really rough time lately which is why I haven't been on I hope I can feel somewhat better soon as I am so tired of feeling like this it's so draining.
Absolute ->-bleeped-<-ty day: Waking up with a cold, forgetting my keys, having to cancel my gendertherapy because of it, getting dypshoric in public transport when some teens burst out in laughter while passing me and asking if I was gay/male/female. And delays/crashes of public transport.
Well I met up with family due to this affair and that was the positive part...and drinking some fruitjuice now :)
Quote from: YinYanga on September 11, 2014, 12:22:05 PM
Absolute ->-bleeped-<-ty day: Waking up with a cold, forgetting my keys, having to cancel my gendertherapy because of it, getting dypshoric in public transport when some teens burst out in laughter while passing me and asking if I was gay/male/female. And delays/crashes of public transport.
Well I met up with family due to this affair and that was the positive part...and drinking some fruitjuice now :)
Wow I feel for you (and for everyone else in the thread, but particularly you). Don't worry, tomorrow's another day and fortune will be kinder to you before you know it I'm sure. :) Don't fear what others may think, that was just rude on their part. Hope tomorrow's better for you.
I've had some of these kinds of days too, not pleasant:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi997.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Faf96%2Fjamboe1%2Fwhen-your-day-starts-like-this--you-just-know-its-going-to-be-one-of-those-days_zps3a30d65f.jpg&hash=5f66ed6b4dfcae8a8083658f0887a969c8a53e3b)
Quote from: jamboe89 on September 11, 2014, 01:17:55 PM
Wow I feel for you (and for everyone else in the thread, but particularly you). Don't worry, tomorrow's another day and fortune will be kinder to you before you know it I'm sure. :) Don't fear what others may think, that was just rude on their part. Hope tomorrow's better for you.
I've had some of these kinds of days too, not pleasant:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi997.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Faf96%2Fjamboe1%2Fwhen-your-day-starts-like-this--you-just-know-its-going-to-be-one-of-those-days_zps3a30d65f.jpg&hash=5f66ed6b4dfcae8a8083658f0887a969c8a53e3b)
Thankies! Some days just cant be helped, positive thing is while in the past it would have ruined my feeling for the whole day(s) I have 'more spine' and bounce back quicker
Hope you had a nicer day hehe ;)
Quote from: YinYanga on September 11, 2014, 01:34:57 PM
Thankies! Some days just cant be helped, positive thing is while in the past it would have ruined my feeling for the whole day(s) I have 'more spine' and bounce back quicker
Hope you had a nicer day hehe ;)
Yes that's definitely the trick, being able to deal with it quickly, and to then move on to better times. It's that kind of 'armour' one needs isn't it for these pains/nuisances. My day has been ok, definitely better than yours from the sound of it though! though much looking forward to tonight, going out walking for a little bit, the night-time is very unpredictable so who knows what else! 8) I'm thinking of having a bath at some point too, which actually come to think of it is something you yourself
definitely deserve for that day of yours! :D
Quote from: jamboe89 on September 11, 2014, 01:55:52 PM
Yes that's definitely the trick, being able to deal with it quickly, and to then move on to better times. It's that kind of 'armour' one needs isn't it for these pains/nuisances. My day has been ok, definitely better than yours from the sound of it though! though much looking forward to tonight, going out walking for a little bit, the night-time is very unpredictable so who knows what else! 8) I'm thinking of having a bath at some point too, which actually come to think of it is something you yourself definitely deserve for that day of yours! :D
I should get a bath!....have been munching Ben&Jerries now for a little bit , I feel so filthy :laugh:
My modem broke. AGAIN. I just replaced it, like, two weeks ago? I guess that's what I get for ordering the cheapest one available, but it was the same model as the last one, and it lasted me a couple years. *sigh*
Quote from: Pikachu on September 11, 2014, 02:22:07 PM
My modem broke. AGAIN. I just replaced it, like, two weeks ago? I guess that's what I get for ordering the cheapest one available, but it was the same model as the last one, and it lasted me a couple years. *sigh*
That really sucks. I've had good luck with modems throughout the years. I probably would still have my old one if the idiots that were moving things from my apartment to the balcony hadn't dropped it. I know the morons did it because my modem just happened to quit right after they moved stuff back in.
The date.
I was in Manhattan on that day.
I was pretty sad about it being 9/11 as well :'( Lost a good friend/possible boyfriend, hurts a lot every year
Also being sick, broke, and feeling lonely :P
Quote from: V M on September 12, 2014, 02:55:24 AM
I was pretty sad about it being 9/11 as well :'( Lost a good friend/possible boyfriend, hurts a lot every year
Also being sick, broke, and feeling lonely :P
Auntie Shan sends you cyber hugs doll baby!
over all it's been a decent day, but I'm just feeling a bit self-pitying. Still dealing with the broken finger and now I have a cold too. Saw the doctor for my finger, got x-rays on it and then had OT on it so it was hurting. I did get told I'm past the point where surgery is much of a worry. It's a very bad break, I was worried.
anyone want to come make me dinner and spoil me for a bit?
Quote from: V M on September 12, 2014, 02:55:24 AM
I was pretty sad about it being 9/11 as well :'( Lost a good friend/possible boyfriend, hurts a lot every year
Also being sick, broke, and feeling lonely :P
Thinking of you
My mom broke her fan.
I didn't find any change on the ground.
Working another weekend.
Quote from: V M on September 12, 2014, 02:55:24 AM
I was pretty sad about it being 9/11 as well :'( Lost a good friend/possible boyfriend, hurts a lot every year
Also being sick, broke, and feeling lonely :P
Hugs, sweetie. Thinking of you.
Tired, too much pressure. Unrelenting arguments. Not giving up though. Not going to let them win. I need a night off and chilling out. Need to be pampered and loved.
Oh well, I'll have to take vilification and hate.
We are our own worse enemies, don't people see if we are not united politicians just laugh in our face.
I hope the vilification and hate are abated by the love many of us feel for you. Go pamper yourself, you deserve it.
Furry KAT hugs for you.
Wonder if that bed has room for a KAT.
Quote from: LordKAT on September 13, 2014, 04:31:53 AM
I hope the vilification and hate are abated by the love many of us feel for you. Go pamper yourself, you deserve it.
Furry KAT hugs for you.
Wonder if that bed has room for a KAT.
Thanks Kat, always room for a comfy rug :laugh:
I'm OK, just fighting wars, petty fiefdoms of the groups who don't want change. More of them than me.
Big Hugs to everyone here. :icon_hug: This time of year brings sad memories for me as well as I lived in Mid Manhattan on that fateful day, and lost more than a few friends. It's hard for me to write about, which is why it took me a couple of days to post. Again Huggles to you all. :icon_hug:
May wisdom prevail over tragedy in the future.
Ally :icon_flower:
Getting up this morning and have another day to deal with holding my feelings in.
Seems like if I don't get my endo to up my AA, the only other solution is to lose weight in order to increase the effectiveness of my current dosage. Damn.
There's a bad thunder storm. I'm terrified of thunder storms. My mom brought me a meal and this completely ruined it. :(
Plus, I didn't find any change on the ground. :(
Had to get the cops to remove a guest and cut my thumb when a saucer snapped in half.Lucky it wasn't Friday 13th!
Sore, swollen knees after a week of hiking and climbing...and being 50lbs above my target weight. Need to cut the food and increase the exercise!
life
My boss called me to work for two hours (wanted me to work much longer but I didn't pick up earlier) and I had to deal with a nasty disgusting coughing child. Yuck! I pray I don't get sick.
I lost my temper today, I really hate when that happens. It takes me a long time to get to that point now that I'm on HRT, but it reminds me of before hormones, where I would just get so angry I'd see red and I couldn't think straight. That's where I was driven to today because there's a problem at work and it seems I am one of the very few people who sees it. So I'm one of the very few people who will try to address it.
My kid has some physical differences that I was told would resolve with time, and they haven't. She's old enough now that she's asking questions. I told her that I knew and that her observations were accurate. I told her it isn't her fault and isn't the end of the world. I did not tell her that I've spent most of her life assuming she would eventually be mature enough to handle more surgery. Most non-emergency procedures are just not an option though. She seems to be relatively well adjusted in regards to her body and how she feels about it, but I'm concerned about what her life will be like if something happens to me, or when I get old. I'm concerned about what her life will be like in any circumstances. She's growing up and I can't control her whole world anymore. It's difficult to accept that I can't make everything okay.
Quote from: Felix on September 15, 2014, 02:38:13 AM
My kid has some physical differences that I was told would resolve with time, and they haven't. She's old enough now that she's asking questions. I told her that I knew and that her observations were accurate. I told her it isn't her fault and isn't the end of the world. I did not tell her that I've spent most of her life assuming she would eventually be mature enough to handle more surgery. Most non-emergency procedures are just not an option though. She seems to be relatively well adjusted in regards to her body and how she feels about it, but I'm concerned about what her life will be like if something happens to me, or when I get old. I'm concerned about what her life will be like in any circumstances. She's growing up and I can't control her whole world anymore. It's difficult to accept that I can't make everything okay.
One of the courtesy clerks at a local supermarket has Downs Syndrome, I've known him and joked back and forth with him for years. I had a tendency to talk down to him as if he's a kid until he called me on it one day and said "Hey, I'm a grown man don't treat me like that!" I hadn't realized that I had been doing that and was ashamed. We're good friends and I worried about what would happen when his aging mother passed away and so I enquired, he said his brother is planning to take him in when that happens, it was a relief to know. Average families don't consider these things, but it is a huge concern for the parent of a disabled child.
Quote from: birkin on September 14, 2014, 10:37:19 PM
I lost my temper today, I really hate when that happens. It takes me a long time to get to that point now that I'm on HRT, but it reminds me of before hormones, where I would just get so angry I'd see red and I couldn't think straight. That's where I was driven to today because there's a problem at work and it seems I am one of the very few people who sees it. So I'm one of the very few people who will try to address it.
Don't do yourself harm in the process of trying to straighten out the problem, you might make suggestions to those that can make the changes and then just step back and let them deal with it.
I can drink dairy after being sick for a while finally and the milk is expired, there goes eating cereal with milk.