Someone's got to start it, I suppose :).
I think I'm falling in love with someone I'm getting ready to share a house with as a friend. I just did such a teen thing, I was emailing her, and I typed "I love you" and then carefully backspaced it away again. Oh, blimey (oh, for a shaking the head emoticon) :(. Scared of losing her as a friend - also scared she might feel the same way. This is a job for chocolate...
Sorry to hear that darl. Chocolate is of course the answer to life's viccissitudes, much like champagne. ;D
For me it was the fact that the Marriage Equality Bill was not passed by the State Parliament Upper House, by 1 vote. Very disappointing, but there was a really good speech that should have done a lot to help Intersex people be appreciated, so not a total loss.
Karen.
Yeah, things in the antipodes not going as well as they could, but at least the tide is turning.
I'm so fed up with falling in love. But a part of me says "It's the only game in town!" Sigh.
this binder is giving me under arm pain :'(
My GF is being cold as ice to me and hanging with her ex wife more and more lately.
I guess this isn't exactly a today thing. But it's been bothering me more and more since it happened.
I went for my first laser hair removal appointment last week. It was a modern alex laser set basically to maximum, and the lady doing it kept asking endlessly if it hurt and looking at me incredulously. I could barely feel it. I don't mean like, "oh it wasn't very painful and I'm so hardcore blah blah," I mean I wouldn't classify that feeling as pain. I suppose I should be happy about that? Yay pain tolerance.
Only it's just another reminder of how far away I am from normal people on what I think of as pain. I can't feel the laser because my ordinary background noise is worse than that.
Most of the time it doesn't bother me, I'm used to this stuff right, but the last few weeks have been really busy and the result is that now I just feel battered and exhausted and I know I did too much. And I hate that that is too much. That I'm always going to be limited like this. How do I make time for all the things and the people that I want in my life when I have so little time? I have a hundred things to do today and people to talk to and class this evening and it's awesome that my life looks like that now... but I just want to go back to bed.
This actually happened yesterday, but whatever.
So my ex is moving back to town in about a week, and yesterday was his birthday so I called him up. We're still good friends and I've been really excited to see him again. Anyway, I call him up and he tells me how great his life is going, that he got his GED and is getting everything back on track. Then he goes on to say that he bought a $50 bottle for himself for his birthday. We're both recovering addicts, see, and I've seen how he gets when he's drunk. Stumbling, slurring so bad you can't understand him at all, closing his eyes for two seconds and then waking up not knowing where he is, and doing stupid things and forgetting about them the next day.
I can't control what he does. But I really care about him and it kills me to see him keep doing this to himself, when he knows it's an addiction and it just causes problems for him. I'm worried that one of these days the things he does while drunk are going to get him arrested, hurt or even killed.
For me it's the feeling that I've torched friendships with certain people because of my actions or remarks or jokes. I wish I could blame it all on the T shots I have been taking over the past 8 months that have increased my drive, but some of that is me and sometimes not being able to control myself. I'd like to atone for them and be friends with them again, but I don't know if they would like to be friends with me again.
I've been having...I suppose what can only be labelled as sexist thoughts lately.
Quote from: edderkopp on September 28, 2012, 01:46:02 AM
I've been having...I suppose what can only be labelled as sexist thoughts lately.
I think we all do...
My S.O.'s sister is here and she's blasting music :(. This is a quiet neighborhood!
I CANNOT get my PS1 to work on my tv.
All I have are the power lead and a scart lead.
I've plugged the scart lead into the back of the TV, it should come up on the EXT channel same as my dreamcast but it doesn't. Every single walkthrough I've looked at is either with an RF lead or an AV lead. It's so annoying I don't have them!!!
Quote from: Tom on September 28, 2012, 03:29:45 PM
I CANNOT get my PS1 to work on my tv.
All I have are the power lead and a scart lead.
I've plugged the scart lead into the back of the TV, it should come up on the EXT channel same as my dreamcast but it doesn't. Every single walkthrough I've looked at is either with an RF lead or an AV lead. It's so annoying I don't have them!!!
you have a PS1
<3
Quote from: Ave on September 28, 2012, 03:32:02 PM
you have a PS1
<3
Lol yes thanks.
I'd love it too if it would work.
My usual complaints... Traffic and bad drivers that nearly hit me with their cars, Uni. students that act like they are still in high school :P
Also the smokey haze from the wildfires is still chocking me :P
A friend and neighbor got arrested for their 5th DUI the other day which is a felony and so they will probably be doing some time in the can
I didn't even know they had started drinking again, they seemed okay when I saw them earlier that morning, but there they were talking to the cops and their blood alcohol level coming back at twice the legal limit
Don't drink and drive friends
woke up sick :'(
I have a cold. Ergh.
Had to drop my chem class because there's no way I could score that A with my conflicting schedule :/
Quote from: Tom on September 29, 2012, 09:07:54 AM
I have a cold. Ergh.
it seems to be that session already ugh. I hate being sick.
I have about an hour before the planned power outage for my area starts and that sucks as I know I can't be asleep by then.
The poor turnout at the rememberance vigil for Jill Meagher, raped and murdered in Melbourne during the week. If a couple of trans and IS women can turn up to a memorial, surely her cis-gendered sisters can manage it.
I've been talking to a potential date who says that my being trans, or at least having had top surgery, might be a deal-breaker. I'm not sure what to think. He's a straight guy, so I kind of get it. I'm not a woman, and I don't have a standard female-assigned body. But ugh, I've never been rejected for being trans before, and I don't want to start now.
Kind of obvious, but it's never really hit me like this before. After spending an amazing day practising with other Buddhist dykes over the weekend, and feeling like I "fit in" for the first time in my life, I'm grieving for the absence of this from my life, all that time I was trying so hard to be a man. I'm also very happy to be arriving in myself - but right now, much sorrow too. A life in disguise - no wonder.
I'm really really sick ;___; and I have college tomorrow.
A game playing IRS agent who can't read an invoice correctly. Any more harassment and prejudice, and I might report him to his supervisor, but I doubt if that will help.
I've been up all night compiling a list of al the stuff my last landlord stole from me, so far it's over £1000 worth of stuff.
I've spent the last 15 yrs collecting sc-fi stuff & videogame figures!!
Sci-fi figures = £380
Videogame figures = £500
Babylon 5 collection = £200
This is just the stuff I can find prices for on the internet.
I phoned the police when it first happened but as this is the UK they said I have to take him to court even though the police say this is theft, they then advised me that any attempt to retrieve my stuff without a court order could result in me being arrested.
Little known fact about the UK here: The main job of the police is to protect the criminals from decent people, if someone breaks into your house you are not allowed to defend yourself or your property, the police now require you to make the burgular a cuppa, fetch him some slippers & cook him a meal, once he's had a snooze after the meal you are required to help him load your belongings into his van, don't forget that you must also give him petrol money so he's not out of pocket
End of sarcastic rant
Of course if your burglar's female, all bets are off :).
I only slept for 3 hours. Again. This is nuts.
Being introduced to "Tubgirl."
Quote from: Jamie D on October 03, 2012, 04:34:06 AM
Being introduced to "Tubgirl."
I was thinking it was an accident, which is why I just reported it and didn't say anything in the topic.
Quote from: Jamie D on October 03, 2012, 04:34:06 AM
Being introduced to "Tubgirl."
Oh god you poor thing.... *comfort*
Whats tub girl? :-\
I think I'd violate the TOS if I sent you the link, Tom, lol. :P Google her. It's nasty though, be warned, and NSFW.
Quote from: Padma on October 03, 2012, 03:27:32 AM
I only slept for 3 hours. Again. This is nuts.
I know that feeling, i've not slept for 2 days now, if your insomnia is persistant then you really should see a doctor, lack of sleep drags you down quicker than almost anything else.
Best wishes
Jayne
Quote from: edderkopp on October 03, 2012, 03:29:18 PM
I think I'd violate the TOS if I sent you the link, Tom, lol. :P Google her. It's nasty though, be warned, and NSFW.
I had the common sense to look up a text description of it before going on the website. No way, it's not happening. I've only just started eating chocolate mousse's again after the women with the cup.
I'm not spending another 7 years mousse free
So unhappy, yes i was watching A place in the sun home and away.
This woman really naffed me off she was from London and all she kept saying was 'some of these houses are worth the same as some places in London, I don't think that
Yorkshire can really justify that'
WELL EXCUSE ME for living in an apparently second class region of the country.
She should be thankful she chose Portugal because I'm pretty certain after that was broadcast no one in Yorkshire would bl**dy want her anyways.
Actually started last night :P Bad tummy which continued to take out it's anger on my butt throughout the day :P
What nutter came up with 7am starts? Bet it was a Victorian ugh.
I saw a beautiful dress in a shop in the QVB today at lunch. How I wish I could go in try it on and buy it then and there.
Made me feel sad that I could not. :(
Quote from: Jenny07 on October 05, 2012, 04:29:50 AM
I saw a beautiful dress in a shop in the QVB today at lunch. How I wish I could go in try it on and buy it then and there.
Made me feel sad that I could not. :(
Why not Hon? You just walk in and say I want to try that in a size whatever. They want to sell it not keep it in the window.
Far too early for me at this point. However my face is looking so much better now most of my hair is gone.
If only I had a shopping buddy it would be so much easier.
The dress was so nice....
:)
J
Quote from: Jenny07 on October 05, 2012, 05:03:19 AM
Far too early for me at this point. However my face is looking so much better now most of my hair is gone.
If only I had a shopping buddy it would be so much easier.
The dress was so nice....
:)
J
Give Catherine Sarah a call, she is into shopping. So am I but I'll need to wait for some holidays to get to Sydney, I also need to get to Tassie to catch up with Karen. But if you are ever in Adelaide I'm free to shop till we drop.
Need some courage, but thanks sounds good as I have to start somewhere.
:-*
College with work straight after sucks!
I'm not made to do a 13 hour day lol
Had some bio-identical T-implants to give the flatlined libido a boost to placate the spouse after being on E for a dozen years along with an orchiectomy ten years ago. Thought gee my head's always so itchy, maybe I have cooties? Nope, nothing to worry about it's only the sudden huge onset of MPB....WTF! :'(
I got friendzoned by another girl. I saw this coming I really did. I figure at this point I will be alone indefinitely. Why the hell do I even try. Heh.... :)
I mean jesus I can't even stop crying. I am so tired of this. People go on about how they think I am pretty and then I finally get some kind of self confidence and then it is shot down in a instance. I really am so frikking tired of this. I try to be happy. I try to show some sort of the real me and bam it's over before it even begins. Oh well whatever that's my life I guess. :)
I'm scared that someone's going to notice my binder. Usually I'm the opposite of stealth, but I don't want to be out to the guy I hung out with tonight, or to any of my neighbors. Sometimes I feel like a fraud. I wish my anatomy was more correct.
Quote from: Felix on October 06, 2012, 01:51:22 AM
I'm scared that someone's going to notice my binder. Usually I'm the opposite of stealth, but I don't want to be out to the guy I hung out with tonight, or to any of my neighbors. Sometimes I feel like a fraud. I wish my anatomy was more correct.
We have all been or are there with you now, no biggie hon, take a deep breath!
Quote from: Snowpaw on October 06, 2012, 12:00:42 AM
I got friendzoned by another girl. I saw this coming I really did. I figure at this point I will be alone indefinitely. Why the hell do I even try. Heh.... :)
I mean jesus I can't even stop crying. I am so tired of this. People go on about how they think I am pretty and then I finally get some kind of self confidence and then it is shot down in a instance. I really am so frikking tired of this. I try to be happy. I try to show some sort of the real me and bam it's over before it even begins. Oh well whatever that's my life I guess. :)
Your not alone. I'm ALWAYS friend zoned hence my being single for...um 4 years I think it's been. Ah well there loss. Still I don't mind waiting if it means I get an amazing girlfriend at the end of it.
I want to play my new game online but that means getting the Internet out and I hate how it makes me feel bad to ask to put it on.
Quote from: Tom on October 06, 2012, 05:45:14 PM
Your not alone. I'm ALWAYS friend zoned hence my being single for...um 4 years I think it's been. Ah well there loss. Still I don't mind waiting if it means I get an amazing girlfriend at the end of it.
I want to play my new game online but that means getting the Internet out and I hate how it makes me feel bad to ask to put it on.
That makes sense still its just so aggravating and I know we've all been there :) I know it's not just me but idk I guess I figured at some point things would change. :< Here's hoping you find her :)
A lot of us are kissing frogs, it's the best way to meet a prince, or princess! Whatever you're looking for!
Quote from: Snowpaw on October 06, 2012, 06:10:50 PM
That makes sense still its just so aggravating and I know we've all been there :) I know it's not just me but idk I guess I figured at some point things would change. :< Here's hoping you find her :)
Yeah it's really annoying. I've had 2 girls so far this year who I've liked quite a bit and I don't know about you but I can never tell with girls if they are interested or not. There all so friendly and touchy feely anyways! it just gets my hopes up and then BAM I realise I've been 'friended'. Sometimes I'm grateful for it because I don't know how I'd handle telling them about my transition if they were interested but then...I miss loving someone like that.
If I let I suppose I could get very down about it. I just try to enjoy being single. After all there are lots of downsides to having a girlfriend :P
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on October 06, 2012, 06:18:49 PM
A lot of us are kissing frogs, it's the best way to meet a prince, or princess! Whatever you're looking for!
That's good to know :)
Quote from: Tom on October 06, 2012, 06:25:34 PM
Yeah it's really annoying. I've had 2 girls so far this year who I've liked quite a bit and I don't know about you but I can never tell with girls if they are interested or not. There all so friendly and touchy feely anyways! it just gets my hopes up and then BAM I realise I've been 'friended'. Sometimes I'm grateful for it because I don't know how I'd handle telling them about my transition if they were interested but then...I miss loving someone like that.
If I let I suppose I could get very down about it. I just try to enjoy being single. After all there are lots of downsides to having a girlfriend :P
It really is, last one I don't want to get into too much depth about but I felt lead on a bit. I really really understand that feeling all too well :| Lol yep that's true :3 I can just goof off and be me without fear too :) Always that worry that I would scare them away.
I found out the hard way that there is black ice on the back sidewalk
Quote from: Snowpaw on October 06, 2012, 12:00:42 AM
I got friendzoned by another girl. I saw this coming I really did. I figure at this point I will be alone indefinitely. Why the hell do I even try. Heh.... :)
I mean jesus I can't even stop crying. I am so tired of this. People go on about how they think I am pretty and then I finally get some kind of self confidence and then it is shot down in a instance. I really am so frikking tired of this. I try to be happy. I try to show some sort of the real me and bam it's over before it even begins. Oh well whatever that's my life I guess. :)
Hugs hon. I have pretty much given up on the local lesbians,as they don't want to be more than friends. I have instead made on-line contact with a transwoman and found we have a lot of mutual friends, so this might work out. I hope so, I get lonely too.
Tried to have a phone conversation with my mother today, but between her deafness, forgetfulness and non-comprehension of trans, it is beginning to feel like I am wasting my time expecting anything worthwhile.
Karen.
Quote from: V M on October 07, 2012, 02:48:11 AM
I found out the hard way that there is black ice on the back sidewalk
Tailbone trauma?
Quote from: justmeinoz on October 07, 2012, 05:58:41 AM
Hugs hon. I have pretty much given up on the local lesbians,as they don't want to be more than friends. I have instead made on-line contact with a transwoman and found we have a lot of mutual friends, so this might work out. I hope so, I get lonely too.
Tried to have a phone conversation with my mother today, but between her deafness, forgetfulness and non-comprehension of trans, it is beginning to feel like I am wasting my time expecting anything worthwhile.
Karen.
Yeah that's what get's me. I don't even know what the point of me signing up for okcupid was. It's all lesbians or people looking for sex. Noone returns my messages and the ones that do just end up wasting time. My time.
I'm sorry I have a feeling that's how it will be with my grandma, she has a idea that something is wrong too... Yesterday she called and I picked up, she kept asking "why is your voice so high? did you do something? Your voice sounds weird are you alright?" I think my uncle told her and it wasn't his place to. I wanted to tell her on my own time but that side of my family really doesn't have much else to do but gossip. I worry because she has a weak heart and I don't want to shock her. I wanted to ease her into this.
I have the same issue with my one grandmother. Her way of "coping" with my transition is to pretend it doesn't exist. She won't acknowledge it in any way, shape, or form. It's been almost half a year on T and she doesn't know because she shut me out so much that there's never been an opportunity to properly discuss it. So, uh. Yeah. I'm just going to cross that bridge when I get there because it isn't worth the stress if she won't acknowledge me anyway.
What made me unhappy is that out of literally NOWHERE my body began to ache like nothing else. I am sore all over and it's making me feel a little nauseated.
f me, I screwed up my back just simply bending over and getting the pan of brownies out of the oven and had a little muscle spasm at the exact wrong time to really, really hurt.
Quote from: Jaime on October 07, 2012, 04:34:37 PM
f me, I screwed up my back just simply bending over and getting the pan of brownies out of the oven and had a little muscle spasm at the exact wrong time to really, really hurt.
Oooh Brownies! I'll be over and trade a little back massage therapy for a few brownies and milk, get well Jaime! :icon_bunch:
I didn't know I was capable of being this p*ssed off, this often by one human being.
He makes me want to gnaw my own fingers off.
Quote from: Shantel on October 07, 2012, 09:31:01 AM
Tailbone trauma?
I turned sideways as I was falling so I ended up doing a full on body slam on my left side :P Woke up hurtin' pretty good everywhere
Quote from: V M on October 07, 2012, 05:22:28 PM
I turned sideways as I was falling so I ended up doing a full on body slam on my left side :P Woke up hurtin' pretty good everywhere
Poor girl, at least you didn't run into any spiders when you were down. Get well!
I had to turn down going to Thanksgiving with one half of my family because my hormone changes are too obvious now. And my aunt made it perfectly clear that I was not to see her children the day I began hormones. Well, that day was almost 6 months ago now, and if she put the pieces together, things would not be pretty I am sure. I also know that when my grandma finds out, she will cry a lot and have a bad reaction. They have known I am trans for over two years and it's not getting any better, which is why I just kept my mouth shut about the hormones when I began them.
Oh well, I knew it would happen, and I knew there were consequences. Made peace with them before transition. But it does suck to be alone cause my parents are in Vegas and my brothers are at the dinner.
I should stop feeling sorry for myself and see if I can find anyone who wants to spend Thanksgiving with ME tonight.
Quote from: Shantel on October 07, 2012, 04:47:58 PM
Oooh Brownies! I'll be over and trade a little back massage therapy for a few brownies and milk, get well Jaime! :icon_bunch:
My back still hurts like crazy, but the brownies are good.
Quote from: Jaime on October 07, 2012, 05:55:22 PM
My back still hurts like crazy, but the brownies are good.
Take a hot sit down bath and lay low for a few days. (hugs)
Quote from: .caleb on October 07, 2012, 05:47:20 PM
I had to turn down going to Thanksgiving with one half of my family because my hormone changes are too obvious now. And my aunt made it perfectly clear that I was not to see her children the day I began hormones. Well, that day was almost 6 months ago now, and if she put the pieces together, things would not be pretty I am sure. I also know that when my grandma finds out, she will cry a lot and have a bad reaction. They have known I am trans for over two years and it's not getting any better, which is why I just kept my mouth shut about the hormones when I began them.
Oh well, I knew it would happen, and I knew there were consequences. Made peace with them before transition. But it does suck to be alone cause my parents are in Vegas and my brothers are at the dinner.
I should stop feeling sorry for myself and see if I can find anyone who wants to spend Thanksgiving with ME tonight.
Spend it with me =] not that I know what it's about/ when it is / anything other then you have a big meal and its in American movies a lot lol.
Ecch. Spent all night chatting with gods on the great white telephone. I feel very "empty" and wiped out. Not a fun bug.
Quote from: Padma on October 08, 2012, 03:21:59 AM
Ecch. Spent all night chatting with gods on the great white telephone. I feel very "empty" and wiped out. Not a fun bug.
An intimate night with the ceramic mistress isn't any fun at all, get well Padma!
I have trust issues.
While getting a root canal the drill slipped or something and carved out a huge chunk of one of my healthy front teeth. Not cool.
Ow, Blimey :(. I hope they're not charging for repairing it for you.
Hi Padma;
Chocolate - I love it. The problem is Chocolate means sugar in my bloodstream which causes Mastitus in my breast - which hurts like hell. That makes me unhappy whereas Chocolate should make me fel good. My dietician though tells me chocolate is BAD!!!
Quote from: Felix on October 08, 2012, 07:50:03 PM
While getting a root canal the drill slipped or something and carved out a huge chunk of one of my healthy front teeth. Not cool.
That is messed up, I also hope that they'll be repairing it at no charge
You poor lad Felix. Root canals are bad enough, hopefully a rebate on the bill for the stuff up.
Sorry to hear about the 'out of stomach experience' Padma.
Finding out today that I am either a Luddite or dinosaur, because I don't want to know about Twitter.
Main reason I won't be nominating for the Uni GLBTIQ officers position, they need someone comfortable with social media.
Karen.
Quote from: justmeinoz on October 09, 2012, 03:50:22 AM
You poor lad Felix. Root canals are bad enough, hopefully a rebate on the bill for the stuff up.
Sorry to hear about the 'out of stomach experience' Padma.
Finding out today that I am either a Luddite or dinosaur, because I don't want to know about Twitter.
Main reason I won't be nominating for the Uni GLBTIQ officers position, they need someone comfortable with social media.
Karen.
Not wanting to know about twitter doesn't make you a dinosaur, I love technology but I don't want to know about twitter either. Or Facebook or tumblr for that matter. It's just not for me, besides dinosaurs are cool lol :P
Quote from: Felix on October 08, 2012, 07:50:03 PM
While getting a root canal the drill slipped or something and carved out a huge chunk of one of my healthy front teeth. Not cool.
oh man that is not cool at all. I'm very nervous at the dentist at the best of times, if they messed up while treating me like that I probably wouldn't want to go back ever again o_o
My back is a little worse today, probably from having to work yesterday. I might have to try wearing an underbust for some support, see if that at least keeps me from making it worse and take some pressure off my muscles for a while.
In class a friend of mine got insulted badly by another classmate and I feel guilty for having not said a thing about it.
Plus the insults kinda effected me too. Oh well, guess I learned something new.
Sigh, tummy still too fractious, not going out to see my crush tonight after all :(.
I got a letter today stating my insurance company is cancelling my car insurance in 14 days because they haven't received proof of my NCD. I sent it just over a week ago in the reply slip they sent me. I hope they just happened to send me this letter before receiving the proof. I really hate it when things like this happen and cause me to stress.
My friend keeps talking to me about her problems and I don't particularly mind that since she does need the support. However, I don't trust anyone because everyone I've ever trusted has any sign of vulnerability from me to try to bring me down. (They failed. Don't even bother trying.) This is obviously lonely and that is currently bugging me a bit (that will pass). So when I'm dealing with my own feelings, plus confusion over my gender, plus university and I have no outlet and then she tells me about her problems, I feel like she's taking me for granted. Like I'm getting nothing in return.
Today, she asked me if I could help her with her son. She texted me this while I was in class and I had a lab in the afternoon. Needless to say I said no, but it does bug me that she would ask when she knows I'm at school.
Oh and she also wants me to keep babysitting her son on thursday evenings. She doesn't come home until past 9:30pm. I have a toddler too that needs to get to bed. I am going to be moving in November which will require travel time after that if I were to continue babysitting for her. Heck no.
Quote from: Edge on October 09, 2012, 07:07:46 PM
Oh and she also wants me to keep babysitting her son on thursday evenings. She doesn't come home until past 9:30pm. I have a toddler too that needs to get to bed. I am going to be moving in November which will require travel time after that if I were to continue babysitting for her. Heck no.
Sounds like you're dealing with a self absorbed type, she's the center of her universe and you are obiting around her for her benefit. Could be kind of toxic for you Edge, it might be curb time for her for your sake!
Quote from: Shantel on October 09, 2012, 09:12:49 PM
Sounds like you're dealing with a self absorbed type, she's the center of her universe and you are obiting around her for her benefit. Could be kind of toxic for you Edge, it might be curb time for her for your sake!
Yeah I'm going to tell her I can't keep babysitting for her and keep saying no when she asks me to go beyond what I am willing to do.
Migraine AGAIN today. That makes what? Three in the last week? Stupid body screwing me around. I was nervous enough about this not-quite-a-date thing tomorrow already. Now I get to do it in the zombie-haze of a post-migraine day. Great.
But I guess it's my fault. I stayed up too late last night cause my sister was here and also I ate chocolate. So migraine. I feel sometimes like my body has a built-in fun-limit. This much and no more or you get the cattle prod to the brain again. Sigh. Time to go curl up in bed and feel sorry for myself.
Lack of sleep :icon_writers_block:
Quote from: Sarah7 on October 09, 2012, 11:49:55 PM
Migraine AGAIN today. That makes what? Three in the last week? Stupid body screwing me around. I was nervous enough about this not-quite-a-date thing tomorrow already. Now I get to do it in the zombie-haze of a post-migraine day. Great.
But I guess it's my fault. I stayed up too late last night cause my sister was here and also I ate chocolate. So migraine. I feel sometimes like my body has a built-in fun-limit. This much and no more or you get the cattle prod to the brain again. Sigh. Time to go curl up in bed and feel sorry for myself.
Yikes! Doesn't sound good, maybe you should go to the doctor?
I'm unhappy because my body is stupid and refuses to sleep on a night even when I'm obviously shattered. I really didn't want to miss a day of college because I will miss loads after my surgery :-\
Well I'm going back to sleep now, hopefully I'll feel better when I wake up
Quote from: Kent on October 09, 2012, 08:53:17 AM
In class a friend of mine got insulted badly by another classmate and I feel guilty for having not said a thing about it.
Plus the insults kinda effected me too. Oh well, guess I learned something new.
It is a hard thing to do. A very hard thing.
Standing up for people is never easy. You risk abuse yourself. And you need to appreciate that.
Not standing up also lessens you. Every time you allow a bully to pour its s**t on someone you lose a piece of your self, until finally you are nothing.
I'm not criticising BTW. I have spent many an hour hiding and quaking. Hoping stuff would go away. Let someone else deal with it. "'I feel your pain' but please don't ask me to share it as I'm not strong enough" was my prayer and chant for many years.
It is no longer.
No one stood up for me.
I will never let that happen to someone else. I will never stand back and watch myself being raped because people were afraid to intervene.
I'm sorry I don't mean to admonish or insult you. I hope I did not and if you feel I did my unreserved and public apology.
Hugs
Cindy
I am sick to death of spending money fixing the countless things that go wrong with this car, it is a constant money pit. But I need it and I can't afford another.
People when I tell them just laugh and say 'its your first car it's supposed to be like that' and I'm sick of hearing it. It's like they give no thought to how much of a burden it is on me financially. My parents can't afford to help me with any of the costs, it's all on me. frankly I spend so much just filling the thing up so I can get to work and I can get to college, that I don't have enough left to keep fixing it.
Bathroom sink emergency :P Luckily I have some experience in plumbing so I was able to get it sorted but because of my physical condition it was much more work than I needed at 3 am :P
Quote from: Sarah7 on October 09, 2012, 11:49:55 PM
Migraine AGAIN today. That makes what? Three in the last week? Stupid body screwing me around. I was nervous enough about this not-quite-a-date thing tomorrow already. Now I get to do it in the zombie-haze of a post-migraine day. Great.
But I guess it's my fault. I stayed up too late last night cause my sister was here and also I ate chocolate. So migraine. I feel sometimes like my body has a built-in fun-limit. This much and no more or you get the cattle prod to the brain again. Sigh. Time to go curl up in bed and feel sorry for myself.
My son found that caffeine helps avert his migraines by accident, so now always has some Red Bull or Coke in the fridge. Probably acting as a vasodilator (that is how Viagra was accidentally discovered!), also a friend takes low dose Aspirin for the same effect.
Friend was busted by the Drug Squad for growing a small number of plants for relief of chronic pain. Seems like it may have been one of a small number of friends that dobbed her in. More attention than was shown when she was assaulted and raped a while back. Not Happy Jan! >:(
Karen.
Quote from: justmeinoz on October 10, 2012, 06:05:25 AM
Friend was busted by the Drug Squad for growing a small number of plants for relief of chronic pain. Seems like it may have been one of a small number of friends that dobbed her in. More attention than was shown when she was assaulted and raped a while back. Not Happy Jan! >:(
Karen.
Being an ex cop you know that the departments have a budget and payroll they have to justify and politicians have to pretend that they are doing something about the International drug trade. So they pounce on some little person with a few plants in the back window and make criminals out of them while those dealing in tonnage continue on business as usual. After all, it's big business and budget justification for the cops, the courts and the prison system as well and they need a constant flow to make it go!
I have no idea how people can drink on a weekly basis, or even more frequently than that. I barely had any last night (though probably enough, bleh) and I just feel like complete and utter garbage this morning. I expect to be a lightweight since I almost never do it but this is stupid.
I admit it was a really ill-conceived idea in the first place, but can't I have one now and again and get away with it?
Quote from: .caleb on October 10, 2012, 10:38:26 AM
I have no idea how people can drink on a weekly basis, or even more frequently than that. I barely had any last night (though probably enough, bleh) and I just feel like complete and utter garbage this morning. I expect to be a lightweight since I almost never do it but this is stupid.
I admit it was a really ill-conceived idea in the first place, but can't I have one now and again and get away with it?
Nope lol :P
People can do it because they get used to it. They still have hangovers but they get used to having them. I know people at work who go drinking every weekend and they will go out Friday and Saturday and occasionally some days through the week too. They just come to work with hangovers/ still drunk.
I also know people who have stayed out drinking all night then come straight into work and they are going out again once work is over. All I could think is they clearly don't care about sleep as much as I do.
Lol! Obviously they don't. This, to me, is not worth it. I can't even imagine how I'd feel if I got actually fully drunk. =/
Really so so much, I feel like I am spiraling into a psychotic breakdown....
Quote from: Snowpaw on October 10, 2012, 02:10:44 PM
Really so so much, I feel like I am spiraling into a psychotic breakdown....
I'm not good at finding the right words to comfort people but please accept a virtual hug - *hugs*
And know someone is thinking about you.
Quote from: Tom on October 10, 2012, 02:32:44 PM
I'm not good at finding the right words to comfort people but please accept a virtual hug - *hugs*
And know someone is thinking about you.
*hugs* that's somewhat part of the problem. I don't want people to worry about me. sometimes I just want to fade away. As if I never existed in this time line or any other.
My memory and concentration have gone on an unauthorized vacation and I have a psych midterm on friday.
I finally got everything i needed to set up my Xbox and play the Resident Evil games, and the damn Xbox isn't in colour.
Feeling stepped on :P
I was invited over my friend's house to watch a movie. She spent about an hour of the time I was there talking on the phone. She did the same thing last time she invited me over and then she fell asleep during the movie. Wow. I feel respected. (<-sarcasm)
Quote from: .caleb on October 10, 2012, 08:33:27 PM
I finally got everything i needed to set up my Xbox and play the Resident Evil games, and the damn Xbox isn't in colour.
That's normally because you've put a lead in the wrong bit in the back of your tv. Well thats my guess anyways. Unless your using a HDMI lead then I have no idea. ;)
The DS were really good about it Shantel, once reported they had to act. It's the fact that only a very few close friends knew about it, and why she was using it. One person in particular has been very anti despite her circumstances.
With the run of bad luck she has had, last thing she needed.
Have a hug VM. ( )
Quote from: V M on October 10, 2012, 09:12:44 PM
Feeling stepped on :P
Time for the female Clint Eastwood to Clint up and get out the big hammer and go after the cause of that problem.... "Are you feelun lucky?"
I have a midterm tomorrow and I can't seem to remember a thing.
Quote from: Tom on October 11, 2012, 01:33:44 AM
That's normally because you've put a lead in the wrong bit in the back of your tv. Well thats my guess anyways. Unless your using a HDMI lead then I have no idea. ;)
Turns out I'm missing an HDMI cord. More than likely, when my mom took my xbox out, she threw it away or it got lost. So I have to find an opportunity to stop and buy a new one.
Don't you get AV leads that come with the Xbox in Canada so you don't have to have a HDMI for It to work??
As usual I am knackered. I could easily flop to the floor from a standing position and just snore. Also my hair is stuck up again and I really can't be bothered flattening it.
There was no AV one with mine, because I got it second hand. But my mom went out and got me an HDMI cable so I now have xbox. But I can only play games on discs, I can't download the Resident Evil games with the codes I have because my xbox capacity is too small. -_- Lol. So I guess I will be buying a storage card or whatever.
Ah bad times pal.
I need the toilet, I don't go at college and I don't like going at work so I've got to somehow hold it for a little over 10 hours. Yikes.
My bank just made me really anxious.
A couple of months ago, someone hacked my old credit card details and bought a very expensive taxi journey on it. I got issued a new card, and the transaction was cancelled off my bill. Today it just reappeared! I phoned the bank and they said I didn't complete a declaration form they posted to me back then - which I never received (the perils of living above a pub that handles all your post).
So they're sending me a new form to fill in, and it'll all be fine - but now my adrenaline is high for the rest of the day. Damn you, PTSD.
That would be a definite trigger Padma!
Quote from: Shantel on October 12, 2012, 08:11:42 AM
That would be a definite trigger Padma!
Aye, but I'm calmer now, plus nice things have happened :).
I hate liking girls because they never like me back and it just makes me feel cr*p. it's happening again, I can foresee this being big too because Its a physical and emotional attraction. I feel so frustrated, I can't even escape her because she's in my class at college.
I really hate being me sometimes
Quote from: Tom on October 12, 2012, 10:22:04 AM
I hate liking girls because they never like me back and it just makes me feel cr*p. it's happening again, I can foresee this being big too because Its a physical and emotional attraction. I feel so frustrated, I can't even escape her because she's in my class at college.
I really hate being me sometimes
Ah, the fear of impending disappointment/heartbreak. Fun times. :( I hope you don't get hurt, Tom. Although sometimes I think this feeling is a pretty normal part of being a guy, if that's any consolation. because as a guy you're expected to take initiative, take the risks associated with love/relationships, etc. A lot of my cismale friends feel the same way about girls.
I suspect that someone was trying to give me a lecture about comparing one of my things to something that gets people "killed, beaten, and otherwise hurt" (her words) claiming it was "insensitive." She used herself as an example, saying she had a problem with being bullied for being queer.
1) Actually, she was bullied because the bullies chose to be bullies. She did not do or be anything to deserve it. I have some sympathy for this, but it's still an attitude that needs to be corrected.
2) This will probably make people mad, but whatever. I find it very hypocritical that she is telling someone who has been abused, raped, and other things that he's being insensitive, but thinks that being bullied at school is a fair comparison. Now that's insensitive.
I just don't understand why people have to be such jerks. My coworkers.. I just can't stand em'.
Having to deal with being misgendered by my late father's old friends that were here for a visit this morning. It just wasn't worth correcting them though, most cis people I've been around seem to take offense(defending their ignorance) at anyone pointing out their "mistake" no matter how tactful it is done. I just tried to be nice and hopefully I'll never have to deal with them again anyway as I certainly have no intention of going back to the old neighborhood in Mooresville to visit now that Opal is gone.
Quote from: Jaime on October 12, 2012, 02:40:44 PM
Having to deal with being misgendered by my late father's old friends that were here for a visit this morning. It just wasn't worth correcting them though, most cis people I've been around seem to take offense(defending their ignorance) at anyone pointing out their "mistake" no matter how tactful it is done. I just tried to be nice and hopefully I'll never have to deal with them again anyway as I certainly have no intention of going back to the old neighborhood in Mooresville to visit now that Opal is gone.
You're right about that Jaime, just the same judging from your photo (visual) and what I know of you from your posts (personality) I'd think anyone would have to be stone blind and hyper-insensitive to miss out on the fact that you are a woman. Guess you can't teach old dawgs new tricks and that one is really OLD!
Quote from: .caleb on October 12, 2012, 10:39:25 AM
Ah, the fear of impending disappointment/heartbreak. Fun times. :( I hope you don't get hurt, Tom. Although sometimes I think this feeling is a pretty normal part of being a guy, if that's any consolation. because as a guy you're expected to take initiative, take the risks associated with love/relationships, etc. A lot of my cismale friends feel the same way about girls.
Ah well I guess I'll see what happens..
Back to another Major depressive episode. Ever since the GID was acknowledged, they keep making my life miserable, usually triggered by BDD. I can't take this anymore.
I came to the conclusion, after a failed attempt at making myself samosas (granted, it was in the middle of the night so I had to be more quiet and such, but still), that I am falling into Neanderthalism and fast. Lol. So I am teaching myself to cook.
I suck at time management. My math midterm is on Tuesday and I only have Monday afternoon to get help from a teacher who sucks. No really, she spends a lot of time explaining the easy stuff and glosses over the hard stuff with phrases like "you can use tricks your past teachers taught you" (and, of course, doesn't teach us these tricks she keeps mentioning). She also speaks in a monotone voice that makes it very hard to concentrate, stops the class to bitterly tell students to stop talking which is more disruptive than the actual talking, and includes more bitter talks on how she thinks we're going to try to cheat and how she's going to stop us instead of actually preparing us for the exam.
I have also discovered that I suck at math. I'm practicing, but I keep getting questions wrong either from dumb mistakes that I have trouble catching for some reason or because I have no clue what I'm doing.
This sucks and I'm starting to panic. Well, I was already stressed, but now I can actually feel my heart racing.
Quote from: Edge on October 13, 2012, 04:31:41 PM
I suck at time management. My math midterm is on Tuesday and I only have Monday afternoon to get help from a teacher who sucks. No really, she spends a lot of time explaining the easy stuff and glosses over the hard stuff with phrases like "you can use tricks your past teachers taught you" (and, of course, doesn't teach us these tricks she keeps mentioning). She also speaks in a monotone voice that makes it very hard to concentrate, stops the class to bitterly tell students to stop talking which is more disruptive than the actual talking, and includes more bitter talks on how she thinks we're going to try to cheat and how she's going to stop us instead of actually preparing us for the exam.
I have also discovered that I suck at math. I'm practicing, but I keep getting questions wrong either from dumb mistakes that I have trouble catching for some reason or because I have no clue what I'm doing.
This sucks and I'm starting to panic. Well, I was already stressed, but now I can actually feel my heart racing.
Sounds like she doesn't know the hard stuff herself. I don't intend to ruffle any feathers here because I know there are a lot of teachers that are members at Susan's and I also know that there are some really good ones, however this woman sounds like more than a few that I've heard about in my locale that are incompetent but because of the strength of the teachers union they are hard to be rid of.
Also, being in a class that is made boring by a lackluster type like you describe could possibly put you to sleep! "Bueler, Bueler, Bueler, Bueler, Bueler, Bueler.....
I have spent $715 this month. Most of it was on stuff related to Xbox, including the TV, Kinect, games, live membership, and a hard drive. The rest was on eating out, which there is really no excuse for.
I mean I have lots of money saved still, but ugh. I am going to have to play a heck of a lot of xbox to justify this. I don't really like blowing that much on stuff that I don't need. Lol.
Triggering moment this morning. Remembered something some one said in passing over the weekend that completely devastated me, and made me feel like I would be alone permanently. I know it is my reaction, not realistic, but even so have only just started to feel better after talking to a good friend who is also a counsellor.
Being an 'only best friend' is great but a real pain in the a*se sometimes. I can never say no because they have no one else they can ask. Like today they want me to go to the hospital with them for the car journey and then to a shopping centre. This is my first day off, I didn't want to get up early or have anything to do. I just wanted to chill out and have a day just to do nothing.
*sigh* oh well suppose that would be selfish of me anyways.
Quote from: justmeinoz on October 15, 2012, 03:13:33 AM
Triggering moment this morning. Remembered something some one said in passing over the weekend that completely devastated me, and made me feel like I would be alone permanently. I know it is my reaction, not realistic, but even so have only just started to feel better after talking to a good friend who is also a counsellor.
That's always an unfortunate moment when someone makes a thoughtless comment, don't let it get you down Karen. It's another human failing when that happens, even I have been told, "It must be hard walking with both feet stuck in your mouth!" :icon_redface: Rather than just pop off like a twit people need to understand that their words can be like arrows that can pierce another's heart.
You gotta love when somebody lends an iPad without leaving any trace of it on the registry system. I have been going crazy for an hour about having lost the equipment I am in charge of until one of colleagues told me that she gave one to the temporary boss without telling me or making a note in the registry or any paperwork. No even said "colleague" remembered about the lending until after lunch.
And that is the thing scares me most at work: Losing the expensive things with cards with unlimited data plans and roaming for Europe. A disaster could happen any time.
Enabling "Find my iPad" for all the devices, I'm not taking any chances with people giving me surprises.
Oh well, at least having a busy day helps me with forgetting about the depression for several hours. Never though that feeling like "worthless cr*p" would make me happy of of having piles of work.
Quote from: Tom on October 15, 2012, 03:49:47 AM
Being an 'only best friend' is great but a real pain in the a*se sometimes. I can never say no because they have no one else they can ask. Like today they want me to go to the hospital with them for the car journey and then to a shopping centre. This is my first day off, I didn't want to get up early or have anything to do. I just wanted to chill out and have a day just to do nothing.
*sigh* oh well suppose that would be selfish of me anyways.
Say no. It's not selfish of you. It's selfish of your friend to expect you to drop everything for them. You are your own person.
Ugh. I hate how we as a society need to be collectively distracted. Constantly. I miss when I was working late and/or taking evening classes. Because as I sit here and everyone is home, all I hear is the bloody TV blaring all night. Before that, it was online poker. My brother can't talk to me without taking out his phone and texting, much like everyone else. I go to university, no one can ever sit still, in classes they have to yank out their phones or play on their laptop.
Even my ex wanted to have the TV playing in the morning while we were enjoying (or in my case, *trying* to enjoy...) breakfast because she couldn't deal with silence.
I am online a bit more than I'd like, especially since I have friends I talk to every night (but that's a good thing). And I am trying to use my ipod a lot less. I'm certainly not immune to it. But I would never even dream of texting while I was with another person. And I never text or anything while I am working or otherwise occupied, unless it's a certain someone.
We all need to step back and learn to do one thing at a bloody time. A few people I know hop on my ass for that, saying there's no time, but I am pretty sure you don't *need* to text about mundane things while doing the things you supposedly need so much time for.
Honestly we are just wasting our lives. All of us.
Hey Caleb, you're so right on about that! My spouse and I were discussing that same thing recently. We used to get up teams and play B-ball, or work-up baseball when we were kids. They all have to be constantly entertained now days and people don't talk to each other anymore. Sad state of affairs huh?
It really is. That's something I miss a lot about being a kid. When I wanted to do stuff, people actually engaged with me. Those moments we shared and things we did, things we talked about, they were genuine connections. I had deeper conversations as a 10 year old than I do as a 23 year old, and that is truly sad.
I was just ranting more about it to a friend on MSN and she suggested we go on a "retreat" together. She's been wanting me to do something like that for ages, and I guess it sounds sort of appealing, if not hippieish and strange. :P It could be pretty nice I guess.
Go for it Caleb, it might be fun and will certainly give you a break and time to chill with a friend. Might be just the thing because you're sounding about as up tight as I am lately. Be glad when the political bs is over, my phone rings almost constantly and it irritates me that I'm paying the freight on it so that some political junkie can call me just after I'v climbed into bed, or during dinner. Take me with you will you dear?
Yeah, I guess I am pretty uptight today. Not sure exactly why though. Fortunately I am somewhat missing the political excitement, thanks to being in Canada, but people are still talking about it all over the place.
Sure, you can come. ;D I have no idea where she wants us to go, and I have to make sure that I can get the time away too. Shouldn't be an issue.
I triggered again...
realizing that I am likely all I will ever be and it ain't pretty or amounts to much. I'll never be what I want/need to be, so what's the point. Just tired of feeling like crap all the time.
Seeing people's results on HRT, comparing them to my own, and being disappointed.
Same old. I have tiny nipples and could still pass as a boy if I wanted. :p
I'm off down the council today to see if I can get a roof over my head, I had threats made a couple of months ago so I moved in with my ex till everything calmed down. Whilst I was away from my rented room my landlord siezed my belongings & illegaly evicted me.
My ex wants me out asap, she can't take me being around her place any longer, hardly a day goes by without some barbed comment about me being trans, she refuses to use my new name & when I pull her up about it she simply says she's using my middle name even though i've told her I hate that name (I only kept it as a middle name because my mum chose it).
So right now i've no job, no home & I can't see any point in anything right now, no matter what I try to do i'll just get kicked whilst i'm down again
Wishing you well Jayne, don't despair sis, there will be better times....((((HUGS))))
I thought about telling the girl I like today that I have a crush on her. I'm glad I didn't, I looked for the signs, there were none. I don't think as lovely as she is that she's even that bothered about being friends. It makes me feel like absolute cr*p, no one ever likes me. I try so hard to be a good person and it doesn't get me anywhere. Just constantly over looked, why won't they give me a chance? Am I that ugly? Is it really such a huge problem I'm so small. These people don't even know I'm trans and I get no where, with it I don't stand a chance.
Tom,
Don't give up, keep after it and be innovative!
Quote from: Tom on October 17, 2012, 12:33:23 PM
I thought about telling the girl I like today that I have a crush on her. I'm glad I didn't, I looked for the signs, there were none. I don't think as lovely as she is that she's even that bothered about being friends. It makes me feel like absolute cr*p, no one ever likes me. I try so hard to be a good person and it doesn't get me anywhere. Just constantly over looked, why won't they give me a chance? Am I that ugly? Is it really such a huge problem I'm so small. These people don't even know I'm trans and I get no where, with it I don't stand a chance.
Tom. :( I'm not sure if anything happened to make you think she won't bother being your friend, but you can't let this eat away at your self-esteem like this. Even if she doesn't like you, that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, or that no one will ever like you. You're a really great guy.
Thinking about my childhood and wishing I and everyone had known I was a boy then. Wishing I could have played with the other boys as a boy.
;D
Quote from: Shantel on October 17, 2012, 12:38:48 PM
Tom,
Don't give up, keep after it and be innovative!
Well I don't want to give up, but I don't really know...how to get girls lol. I mean I try to appear confident, I hold doors, I try to make them laugh. I don't really know what else to do :-\
I appreciate the support btw ;)
Quote from: .caleb on October 17, 2012, 01:32:24 PM
Tom. :( I'm not sure if anything happened to make you think she won't bother being your friend, but you can't let this eat away at your self-esteem like this. Even if she doesn't like you, that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, or that no one will ever like you. You're a really great guy.
To be fair to her she hasn't done anything and she's always really nice to me, it's just that I seek her out. I talk to her first, I make the effort and so far she hasn't appeared to try in return.
Quote from: Tom on October 17, 2012, 03:46:09 PM
To be fair to her she hasn't done anything and she's always really nice to me, it's just that I seek her out. I talk to her first, I make the effort and so far she hasn't appeared to try in return.
That doesn't necessarily mean anything. :) I think people tend to set up patterns of interaction early on. So if you initiated in the beginning, that's sort of how it goes, you know? For example, I usually don't come online until I get a text from Keaira telling me that she has come home. Now, if she's gone for like 3 or 4 hours longer than normal, I might text her saying "I miss you" or something like that, but if it was 1 or 2 hours, I'd not think of it. So if she decided one day to not text me and let me know she was back, I'd just stay offline, because I'd assume she was busy. but it doesn't mean I don't like talking with her, it's just how things happened so that's sort of the unspoken code for how we start talking in the evening if you get what I mean.
So I think if you don't contact this girl when you normally do, she would probably just assume you were busy and would get in touch with her when you wanted to see her.
BTW, is your MSN working right now? I tried logging in and it said the service is not responding or something like that.
Quote from: Tom on October 17, 2012, 03:46:09 PM
To be fair to her she hasn't done anything and she's always really nice to me, it's just that I seek her out. I talk to her first, I make the effort and so far she hasn't appeared to try in return.
Tom,
When I was a guy and I set my sights on the girl I was in love with, she wouldn't give me the time of day. Back then she wouldn't consider going out with me, used to get exasperated at seeing me when she was with other girls and flip me off. She had a few pet names for me I can't print here, she even attacked and bit me. I think what really drove me on so was the fact that she was aloof and seemingly unapproachable. She was so pretty and classy and presented a challenge that made her even more appealing. I was always sweet to her, tried not to be obnoxious, and was persistent, eventually we married. You can do it Tom, it takes a lot of patient endurance, hang in there!
That's a good point, Shantel, but those stories can also have a very unhappy ending. I spent 2.5 years wanting a girl who didn't like me back. She never attacked me or anything like you describe, but she was very cold and rejecting, and she used the fact that I liked her to take advantage of me. It's probably one of the worst things I could have done to myself. She was hot and cold - she'd lift me up for a while, give me hope, then pull me down, rinse and repeat. She actually admitted to doing it on purpose several years after we stopped talking. It took me a good 8 months to fully recover from the heartache. Then I was in a relationship for 3 years, and I carried those insecurities through it, leading me to be cold and distant to my ex until she became lonelier being with me than being without me. I sometimes still pull away from those I love, too, but not as much as I used to. I still can't believe it when people say they like me, I always assume there is some conspiracy and I am somehow being used.
Lol, anyway, we're probably scaring the crap out of Tom with stuff that will never happen to him. :P
Unfortunately there are some very manipulative individuals out there, guess the secret is to learn to read body language and be alert for red flags that pop up with the other person's behavior, then listen to your gut which is something I'm getting better at now that I'm older than dirt. Could have used those intuitive skills years ago.
I feel better about the whole thing now I've slept on it. I'm just going to try for a friendship with the expectation of just establishing a friendship. If anything else happens then that's a bonus. I'll just be myself and she can how much she likes that or not.
Thanks for the advise :)
Quote from: Jayne on October 17, 2012, 04:10:29 AM
I'm off down the council today to see if I can get a roof over my head, I had threats made a couple of months ago so I moved in with my ex till everything calmed down. Whilst I was away from my rented room my landlord siezed my belongings & illegaly evicted me.
My ex wants me out asap, she can't take me being around her place any longer, hardly a day goes by without some barbed comment about me being trans, she refuses to use my new name & when I pull her up about it she simply says she's using my middle name even though i've told her I hate that name (I only kept it as a middle name because my mum chose it).
So right now i've no job, no home & I can't see any point in anything right now, no matter what I try to do i'll just get kicked whilst i'm down again
Hugs Honey :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:
One day we manage to get 12 degrees in the morning, the next one we are back to 20-22...
I have not been able to feel the cold on the street since 2007. I've been wanting to upgrade my winter clothing for a long time, but since I only get to use them for like two days per year, it is not economically worth it...
Damn, I love warm clothes, but not having a winter sucks. With that many air conditioned exhausts in the street, we live in an eternal summer. I haven't left for work with a scarf and a hat for like three years (the last time we got like one hour of snow). Maybe I should migrate to colder climates... Having a T-shirt in december and still sweat is so sad.
Went to bed earlier, unfortunately I was awoken to the porcelain goddess demanding my immediate attention :P
Snowpaw and Jaime, hang in there. I am still feeling down, but am listing all my good points and trying to keep them in mind. First one is, I am as stubborn as twelve bastards as the saying goes, and push back twice as hard against criticism, ignorance and rudeness. Just need to reach some solid ground first.
Karen.
Quote from: V M on October 18, 2012, 05:34:48 AM
Went to bed earlier, unfortunately I was awoken to the porcelain goddess demanding my immediate attention :P
What is happening to you girlfriend? You seem to be getting it from all sides as of late!
I get the impression that my new friend thinks of me as female even though she knows I'm male and claims to accept that. It's probably nothing, but comments like "Whaaaat? You're a transman who hasn't heard of Revolutionary Girl Utena?" make me wonder. Why would being a man have anything to do with it?
Quote from: Edge on October 18, 2012, 09:31:30 PM
I get the impression that my new friend thinks of me as female even though she knows I'm male and claims to accept that. It's probably nothing, but comments like "Whaaaat? You're a transman who hasn't heard of Revolutionary Girl Utena?" make me wonder. Why would being a man have anything to do with it?
Maybe she's just trying to reinforce it into her own head. If she does think of you as a girl at the moment that may just be her trying to change that thinking to see you as a man.
If that's true then I would personally look at the positive side. She's trying and eventually if she keeps trying, she'll see you as the guy you are.
I heard from tenancy relations yesterday, my last landlord is refusing to answer their letters or phone calls so on top of being homeless & jobless I now have to embark on a lawsuit!!
My mum isn't returning my calls at the moment, last year she lent/gave my brother £10,000 & this year she wont even return my calls.
I'm staying with my ex who is making my life hell, if a butterfly farts in China & causes a gust of wind to blow her fence over then I swear she'll twist it round to be my fault.
The council have said I have to go back monday for an interview about getting a place but i'm scared I wont be able to get a place where I can have my dog, he's about the only thing I have left now.
The stress of my life crashing around my ears had me running to my GP today in tears, i'm now on sleeping tablets as i've had about 12 hrs sleep all week.
In spite of certain people trying to make my life miserable I will not give up my transition, once i've got a place to live anyone who gives me a hard time will be told to take a hike, I don't need that kind of person in my life any longer
Hi Jayne
I do hope you can get into your own place soon and things will start to look up for you
Hugs
Thanks V M, As long as I get to keep my poopie then i'll be anble to handle anything that life throws at me.
If i'm sick my dog wont leave my side, if i'm sad he wont leave my side, if I wear a dress that doesn't suit me yet my dog will still be at my side.
The better | get to know humanity the more I like my dog
On the bright side, I recieved my new shoes yesterday & as us Bristolians say "They be gert lush" I wore them for about 12 hours & they're as comfy as trainers (but they're wedges), I spent about 3 hours playing guitar hero, standing up & dancing (or a close attempt at dancing), not once did my feet hurt, I luvs my new shoes
Quote from: Jayne on October 19, 2012, 07:37:17 AM
Thanks V M, As long as I get to keep my poopie then i'll be anble to handle anything that life throws at me.
If i'm sick my dog wont leave my side, if i'm sad he wont leave my side, if I wear a dress that doesn't suit me yet my dog will still be at my side.
The better | get to know humanity the more I like my dog
On the bright side, I recieved my new shoes yesterday & as us Bristolians say "They be gert lush" I wore them for about 12 hours & they're as comfy as trainers (but they're wedges), I spent about 3 hours playing guitar hero, standing up & dancing (or a close attempt at dancing), not once did my feet hurt, I luvs my new shoes
Perhaps in the next life dogs will be teaching people how to love others unconditionally. Even parents of children give them signals that they will be loved only if they behave according to the dictates of their will.
Glad you are enjoying your new shoes, I'm hoping you find a decent place to live soon dear!
As usual lately, the noise.
I also feel like such a huge dickbag! :( One girl was confused on what I meant when I was talking about we associate certain qualities with men and certain qualities with women. So I tried to clarify. I was trying to say that we do so falsely, and that gender stereotypes are not only problematic but illogical, but I think she felt shut down. I could kind of tell by her face that she didn't feel she could speak up. I know how sexism in classes feels, I notice it all the time, so to be the person who might have come off as arrogant...meh, it sucked to be me. I tried to rectify it in the best way possible but I failed, lol.
Hey Caleb, go easy on yourself. We've all been there and done that, we're not always responsible for how others internalize something we have said in all innocence.
Dunno. Feeling like I suck at everything, I have no friends, and I look so plain. Guess I feel a little worthless, though rationally... I know I am not.
Meh. I do know that I dislike this world, and life. There's no point to it, it's boring, and I don't find that I can care enough to succeed.
Quote from: Jayne on October 19, 2012, 05:53:29 AM
In spite of certain people trying to make my life miserable I will not give up my transition, once i've got a place to live anyone who gives me a hard time will be told to take a hike, I don't need that kind of person in my life any longer
The saying is true that when we find ourselves in the bottom of a pit, there is nowhere to look but up and then things soon begin to look brighter. What is happening is that your circumstances though seemingly bleak at the moment may be working to create more resolve within you which will work in your favor in the long run. (Love and hugs from your buds here!)
Quote from: Jayne on October 19, 2012, 07:37:17 AM
Thanks V M, As long as I get to keep my poopie then i'll be anble to handle anything that life throws at me.
If i'm sick my dog wont leave my side, if i'm sad he wont leave my side, if I wear a dress that doesn't suit me yet my dog will still be at my side.
The better | get to know humanity the more I like my dog
On the bright side, I recieved my new shoes yesterday & as us Bristolians say "They be gert lush" I wore them for about 12 hours & they're as comfy as trainers (but they're wedges), I spent about 3 hours playing guitar hero, standing up & dancing (or a close attempt at dancing), not once did my feet hurt, I luvs my new shoes
Keep hanging in there Jayne. Love to your doggie as well.
Mother attacking me about why I see a therapist and trying to force out of me whats going on ((basically trying to force me to come out to her before I am ready))
Quote from: Cindy James on October 20, 2012, 01:19:35 AM
Keep hanging in there Jayne. Love to your doggie as well.
Thanks Cindy, I try to make sure I find one positive thing about each day such as shoes arriving or my doctor not being sure which direction my transition is going. If I can't find anything good then I give poopie a hug & extra big fuss & things don't seem quite so bad.
His real name is marvin but his nickname has sort of taken over.
People told me when I first got him that | should have him put down because he had bad skin, strangers would accuse me of animal cruelty when I walked him but after about a year & a couple of thousand pounds my vet found a cure. he's worth every penny & a good lesson that if you keep battling through, no matter how hard, things will work out.
After waiting three months for my gender evaluation, I was told someone would call me with a referral within a week.
The week has come and gone with no referral >:(
I was doing hypothetical scenarios with my mother. In an indirect way I asked her what she would say if my depression was caused by me having gender dysphoria. "What's that?", she asked. "Well Mum, it would be if I was a woman trapped in a mans body. That's the 'cliche' term... 'THOSE types of people use'.". She said she couldn't deal with that, it'd be too embarrassing. She's always suspected I might be gay, and thought this was a way of me telling her indirectly I was. "You don't have to be a girl to like men, you can be gay, there's nothing wrong with that.". I told her I knew, just like there's nothing wrong with people that suffer from gender dysphoria and decide to switch gender. So I asked her whether she would be ok with it, putting the emphasis on 'hypothetical'. She said no. That really, really hurt :(.
I started the process of removing an abusive friend from my life by removing him from my Skype and IM buddy lists. It hurts, especially since I know he's already done the same for me. I don't want to never see him again. :'(
I got out a DVD to watch that I haven't seen for a while - and found a valentines' card from my ex in the case. How do I feel? I can't say without splintering the ToS. :(
Quote from: Cain on October 20, 2012, 11:31:23 AM
I started the process of removing an abusive friend from my life by removing him from my Skype and IM buddy lists. It hurts, especially since I know he's already done the same for me. I don't want to never see him again. :'(
"Friends" aren't abusive. You simply removed an abuser from your life. Don't feel bad - it was the right thing to do.
Just read all the posts on this thread from the last 24 hours and all I can say is God help us all, there is so much pain here! My only thought emanating from all of it is that transition is painful like death to an old self and rebirth as a new being regardless of how far or complete that transition actually goes, and one of the most painful aspects of it is the process of bulldozing the toxic relationships out of one's life because there is always strong ties and feelings that get broken in the process. Transition is much akin to natural birth in that there is always pain and struggle involved and if that doesn't happen then it's a still birth.
I keep looking at this card - it reminds me that I was appreciated, until I couldn't be any more.
I've had about 2hrs sleep in 4 days!! Damn these rubbish sleeping tabletzzzzzzzz.
If I didn't joke about it I think i'd crack up
Quote from: Jayne on October 20, 2012, 08:38:30 PM
I've had about 2hrs sleep in 4 days!! Damn these rubbish sleeping tabletzzzzzzzz.
If I didn't joke about it I think i'd crack up
Poor child, you've got a lot of ppl here worrying about you!
-_- My brothers continue to torment me. The youngest was playing my xbox, and he sees Keaira on my friends list and goes "OHHH let's send her a message. maybe she'd like a nice voice message." It ended up with me giving him one of my Pepsis in order to stop trying to mess with stuff.
Quote from: .caleb on October 20, 2012, 08:50:57 PM
-_- My brothers continue to torment me. The youngest was playing my xbox, and he sees Keaira on my friends list and goes "OHHH let's send her a message. maybe she'd like a nice voice message." It ended up with me giving him one of my Pepsis in order to stop trying to mess with stuff.
He must be younger huh? Maybe he needs a good whack to establish pecking order?
Quote from: Shantel on October 20, 2012, 08:49:04 PM
Poor child, you've got a lot of ppl here worrying about you!
I've got my appointment monday about getting a council place, i've spent about 14 years of my life renting places & people have urged me to put my name down for a council place.
I always responded that those places should be for people who were desperate not people who can afford to rent privately.
Well i'm in the desperate category now, my life would have been easier recently if i'd done this 2 years ago but I have to be able to look in the mirror & know I tried my best.
Once that is sorted i'm hoping to be able to sleep better, I neeed to get myself together in the next few weeks as i've got my 2nd appointment at the gender clinic early next month & I can't have these problems getting in the way, in February it will be 2 years since first asked my GP to refer me for gender reasignment & I can't keep existing in this limbo state
Quote from: Liam Erik on October 20, 2012, 09:15:40 PM
One of my best ewes (who are we kidding, I refer to every ewe as 'one of my best' ::)) who has been very lame this week, didn't make it all the way back to the barn; she stopped twenty yards from the gate and cried.
What is the cause of her lameness?
I have so much cleaning and packing to do, it's overwhelming.
On top of that, Halloween is in ten days and I still have to start making my costume.
STRESS. Endless freaking stress, as soon as something is solved another thing pops up.
Nobody in my family realises how much everything gets to me, they just expect me to be able to take it and I do but would it be that much to have a moment where someone says 'so Tom are you dealing with everything ok?'.
No wonder im going bloody grey.
Quote from: Liam Erik on October 21, 2012, 03:38:15 PM
There isn't much research or medicine for sheep, because they're not worth much (compare to cows, horses...)
That's sheepist/sheepism?? Sheep are just so sweet, who cares about cash value?
The real value is how much they make you smile
Quote from: Liam Erik on October 21, 2012, 03:38:15 PM
I had her looked at, but as of yet nobody knows. I'm just giving her pain meds and hoping it goes away. There isn't much research or medicine for sheep, because they're not worth much (compare to cows, horses...)
I suppose....Perhaps it's just a sprain? I understand that sheep can get into some of the oddest predicaments!
Ah, dammit. My friend who I'm in love with is all excited, because tomorrow she's meeting the boatbuilder gal she has a crush on. So I'm trying to sound excited on her behalf, but not doing very well. I'd don't want to want it not to work out - but I don't want it to work out. I feel like a louse.
Quote from: Liam Erik on October 21, 2012, 06:48:15 PM
She's non-weight-bearing on her front right foot, and though the others are comparatively better, it's clear from her gait that they hurt, too. I have no explanation :-\
That's odd and I don't want to belabor this thread, but have you rolled her over on her back and looked at them closely? See if you can see any lesions, they have scent glands between their toes that can get punctured and infected. When Sheep Limp And It's Not Footrot by Laurie Ball-Gisch from ... (http://when%20sheep%20limp%20and%20it's%20Not%20Footrot%20by%20Laurie%20Ball-Gisch%20from%20...)
Coming back to the apartment after an amazing weekend to a broken toilet. :eusa_wall:
Liam, I understand that you can't let yourself get too attached to your livestock, there's only so much anyone can do, after a while nature must take its course for better or worse.
I used to spend lunchtimes at school looking after about 50 rabbits, in two years at that school we lost a fair few so as sad as it is I learnt to accept it. On the bright side we had many pull through that we thought we would lose, nature finds a balance
I had to tell Poopie off today, I don't mean just sending him to a corner, I mean grabbing by the collar & marching him out of the room kind of telling off.
He's been a pest all day, we thought it was because a friend had bought her jack russell around, they've several times & after he's pestered her & licked her bum for an hour or so he calms down ((I know the bum licking is yucky, sorry).
After 6 hours we'd had enough, he woudn't settle at all so my ex marched him out of the room to the hallway & made him sit & stay, a few minutes later he was let back in. This normaly works every time but instead of curling up at someones feet he resumed pestering everyone.
I put a rug next to me hoping he'd take the hint & settle down, no hope.
I led him to the rug & told him to lie down & he just stared at me, I took hold of his collar but instead of lying down with a gentle pull he sat bolt upright & went stiff as a board.
Then I told him to lie down & gave him a slight push on his side, this signal makes him lie down & roll over for a tummy rub, his reaction was to growl at me!! WTF!!!!
My ex came into the room as this had now become a battle of wills, I looped a finger under his collar to give a gentle tug & Ruth started to pull the rug his front feet were on, he growled again, loudly!!
I grabbed his collar & marched him out of the room without saying a word & shut him in the hallway/kitchen, after a few minutes I went to the kitchen & made drinks completely ignoring him, the whimpering was both heartbreaking & earpiercing, a few minutes later I went back out to him & told him to lie down & he did instantly. I felt so evil for ignoring him but it works & I had to snap him out of thinking he was the boss, he's part doberman & very strong so I can't let him think he's the boss.
For the rest of the night he's been sleeping on a spare settee & every time he gets up he looks unwell.
Ruth realised what was up, we have new neighbours & the old neighbours gardener would remove apples that may fall into our garden & the new neighbours didn't know that Poopie loves apples, unfortunately he likes them slightly rotten & when he gets drunk he's a mean drunk!!
The apples are cleaned up now so poopie will return to being a good natured dog again, he'll just be a bit hung over ::)
My friends no longer talk to me, or have any desire to interact with me.
Not that I can blame them...
The news of another neighbor passing away, this one of cancer :'(
On a lighter note, It always makes me sad when it becomes time to clean out my summer flower pots
I was talking to my mom about going to Thanksgiving with the whole family, and how this will be the first time they will see me since I started transition. She mentioned that my Grandmother does not know. I told her she might want to give her a heads up. She replied "if you are going to come you need to dress like a boy". That hurt. I have to hide at work, I am not going to hide around my family!! Now, I am not going to be with my extended family for Thanksgiving. I will still cook an amazing feast for me and my son, and whom ever wants to stop by.
Quote from: V M on October 24, 2012, 09:12:23 PM
The news of another neighbor passing away, this one of cancer :'(
On a lighter note, It always makes me sad when it becomes time to clean out my summer flower pots
Hi Virginia!
Cheer up hon, it's just the cycle of life and part of what makes this time of year become a bit depressing for many. When someone dies it always brings us face-to-face with our own mortality, cleaning out the flower pots just adds to it. Another thing is the holiday season where we are often stuck with family members that are argumentative, condescending unaccepting and downright icky. We can't choose our family, but here at Susan's there is solace that we can choose our friends who do become extended family, so chin up everyone life goes on in spite of everything!
BDD is ruining my life. I suffer from such level of anxiety about my body that I can't separate real health problems from minor defects that just need to be accepted. I see myself as a monster, but I wonder how it was before. I half lot of defects, I did no like most of me, but I could think of other things, had hobbies... Now worrying occupies 75% of my awake time.
I've watched the predictions for hurricane Sandy slowly change until we are right at the center of the projected path.
Well, my first try at my Halloween costume ended up totally not working out. I'll do the easier vest instead and try again once I've had more practice.
Actually yesterday, having a snow storm kick up just as I was heading out to the store :P The darned stuff was flying sideways at me and the wind was hard to battle against on my bicycle :P
Quote from: V M on October 27, 2012, 06:45:36 PM
Actually yesterday, having a snow storm kick up just as I was heading out to the store :P The darned stuff was flying sideways at me and the wind was hard to battle against on my bicycle :P
You don't have two wheel drive? :D I got caught in a white-out in the Cascades one year on a motorcycle :'(
Quote from: Shantel on October 27, 2012, 06:58:06 PM
You don't have two wheel drive? :D I got caught in a white-out in the Cascades one year on a motorcycle :'(
LOL... Two wheel drive :laugh: I would like to get one of those lil' bicycle motors that I could flip on when necessary 8) I'd for shure have to start wearing a helmet though :D
Macy's
Institutional discrimination. Especially when it originates here.
The power keeps flickering because of this silly hurricane :(
Hmm, I'm sore from work today and this bug/spider bite is killing me! Hmm, yeah thats all that sucks about today x.x
I was supposed to be going out to see Let The Right One In tonight, but I got back from sorting out someone's computer, and found an unpleasant and patronising array of replies to something I wrote on facebook. Now I'm too shook up to go out in the dark to watch a vampire film and walk back in the dark. It was a close-run thing anyway.
After four months, my therapist is leaving the clinic, exactly when I am at my worst moment. So I have to start with another one I don't have any confidence with.
So unfair...
Not getting to sleep in :-\
Got caught in the rain and then they ran out of cheesecake at my local cafe. Wasn't all bad though cause another place down the road had some :D
My son is sick, so I am staying home with him to nurse him back to health.
Fell asleep early so I am up early. I want to take the time to try and get a ton of work done on my thesis, but I'm not sure how to get to a place where I can be undisturbed. People in this house, I swear, can sense when I am trying to get work done and am stressed out, because they only bother me while I work. Never while I watch TV or play video games, lol.
If I go to my office I will invariably have students come by.
The university library is now a glorified coffee shop/social space.
I don't feel comfortable going to the public library because there's a lot of homeless people there at these hours...and let's just say I seem to have a very inviting presence for the more disadvantaged in our society.
I need a place with an electrical outlet for my computer.
This may be the lesser of many evils.
Quote from: Padma on October 30, 2012, 12:40:51 PM
I was supposed to be going out to see Let The Right One In tonight
I love that movie. Best vampire romance ever.
I am frustrated.
Quote from: Edge on October 31, 2012, 12:09:44 PM
I love that movie. Best vampire romance ever.
I am frustrated.
I loved George Hamilton in "Love at first bite" His dance moves were quite good. "Hello....call me Vlad!"
I'm trying to shove off a crush which is ok for now but when I go back to college I'm gunna have to interact with this person 4 days a week in a very small class where everyone hangs out with each other.
Quote from: Tom on October 31, 2012, 01:38:47 PM
I'm trying to shove off a crush which is ok for now but when I go back to college I'm gunna have to interact with this person 4 days a week in a very small class where everyone hangs out with each other.
Aww. :(
So while buying clothes I got continually misgendered. "I need to cancel the transaction for this woman while she goes to get some cash." "She's going to pay in bills." "Watch out for her cart."
I was with a good friend, so I asked her if it was my mannerisms. she said no, that generally, in public, I come off as rather masculine unless I am nervous. Which is what I thought. She said I had down all the details while dealing with the individuals at the store, down to the way I held the shopping bags. She couldn't pinpoint a feature though.
So I asked people I knew at university later. They all said they'd read me as a woman on the street. I asked for age, I got anywhere between 24-30 but the most common was 27/28. One older lady I worked with said "I'm sorry Caleb, but you just look like a very mature woman."
oh well. At least as a woman I look respectable. *sigh* And apparently tough. Which is hilarious to me, because those who know me as a man see me as a rather passive and nervous man. Oh well. If I am doomed to never pass, I may as well look like a woman worthy of respect. That really hurts though, and the thought of never being able to truly live as myself makes me...terrified honestly. I guess I just have to work hard, build myself up, stay strong, in case that does happen so I don't kill myself.
Quote from: .caleb on October 31, 2012, 05:37:05 PM
Aww. :(
So while buying clothes I got continually misgendered. "I need to cancel the transaction for this woman while she goes to get some cash." "She's going to pay in bills." "Watch out for her cart."
I was with a good friend, so I asked her if it was my mannerisms. she said no, that generally, in public, I come off as rather masculine unless I am nervous. Which is what I thought. She said I had down all the details while dealing with the individuals at the store, down to the way I held the shopping bags. She couldn't pinpoint a feature though.
So I asked people I knew at university later. They all said they'd read me as a woman on the street. I asked for age, I got anywhere between 24-30 but the most common was 27/28. One older lady I worked with said "I'm sorry Caleb, but you just look like a very mature woman."
oh well. At least as a woman I look respectable. *sigh* And apparently tough. Which is hilarious to me, because those who know me as a man see me as a rather passive and nervous man. Oh well. If I am doomed to never pass, I may as well look like a woman worthy of respect. That really hurts though, and the thought of never being able to truly live as myself makes me...terrified honestly. I guess I just have to work hard, build myself up, stay strong, in case that does happen so I don't kill myself.
Don't let it get you down Caleb, we're both in the same boat so we have a lot of company, perhaps we'd better bail so the boat doesn't swamp!
So I have been trying to keep this to myself since I found out, because there is no point in worrying others about something that may turn out to be nothing. In fact, I haven't told a soul this, but tonight I just really need...I don't even know.
I had gone to the hospital because I wasn't feeling well. They did a bunch of tests, gave me some meds, got me patched up, and I was out the door. They were kind and helpful and courteous and that was great. On the report from one of my tests though on my discharge papers the tech noted that they found a '3-4 mm left upper lobe nodule'
Now, naturally being who I am, when I was feeling a bit better, I looked this up. I've been really down ever since. Tonight though I can't stop crying. Now let me say that the words that follow the incidental discovery are 'doubtful significance in this young patient' and they never said anything to me while I was at the ER so I'm likely just working myself up over nothing, but for the past month really this has just been eating away at me and right now I can't deal with this alone anymore. I've got a doctor's appointment at the beginning of december, and we're going to talk about this, but right now I can't handle the not knowing for until then. I don't want to drag my family into this either because I don't want them to be heartbroken or upset about it when it very likely could be nothing. I mean look at what this is doing to me, how is it fair to do this to someone else? I just don't know what to do.
Quote from: Lucky Peach on October 31, 2012, 07:03:01 PM
Now let me say that the words that follow the incidental discovery are 'doubtful significance in this young patient' and they never said anything to me while I was at the ER so I'm likely just working myself up over nothing, but for the past month really this has just been eating away at me and right now I can't deal with this alone anymore. I've got a doctor's appointment at the beginning of december, and we're going to talk about this, but right now I can't handle the not knowing for until then. I don't want to drag my family into this either because I don't want them to be heartbroken or upset about it when it very likely could be nothing. I mean look at what this is doing to me, how is it fair to do this to someone else? I just don't know what to do.
Perhaps you can get your appointment moved up. If you're living at home with parents you should bring them up to speed on this. I'll keep you in my prayers, meanwhile keep us posted!
You are in my thoughts as well Peach {Hugs} Wishing for all to go well
Thank you both so much. I'm sorry I'm posting this here, but I'm just freaked out and scared right now. I'm trying to stay away from telling my parents what's up until I have a better understanding of what I'm dealing with. I'm trying not to worry those around me because I don't want that whole treating me different thing that happens when something serious is up. It's happened before, and right now what I need is the semblance of life as normal, not my family worrying about me which will only make me feel worse.
You are young. You are a non-smoker. The spot is tiny. There is much less than 1% chance that it of significance.
They are no longer making buckyballs. RIP the world's best toy.
Quote from: Lee on November 01, 2012, 02:50:35 AM
They are no longer making buckyballs. RIP the world's best toy.
http://www.cnbc.com/id/48462396/Buckyballs_Fights_Back_Against_Government_Lawsuit (http://www.cnbc.com/id/48462396/Buckyballs_Fights_Back_Against_Government_Lawsuit)
The company selling a magnetic desk toy the Consumer Product Safety Commission is trying to ban launched a Washington, D.C., advertising campaign today, as 11 of its competitors agree to the CPSC's request to stop selling their products.
CPSC filed a lawsuit last week declaring Buckyballs too risky for sale, citing several cases where children who swallowed the tiny magnets required surgery to have them removed. In its complaint, CPSC said warning labels didn't work because the hundreds of tiny magnets can't be labeled and the boxes are thrown away.
The ad campaign, by Buckyballs parent company Maxfield & Oberton, is timed to coincide with a congressional hearing featuring CPSC's four commissioners. It asks why regulators are trying "to put us out of business" and why warning labels are enough for other products but not theirs. Blame the nanny state.
Quote from: Lucky Peach on October 31, 2012, 07:03:01 PM
So I have been trying to keep this to myself since I found out, because there is no point in worrying others about something that may turn out to be nothing. In fact, I haven't told a soul this, but tonight I just really need...I don't even know.
I had gone to the hospital because I wasn't feeling well. They did a bunch of tests, gave me some meds, got me patched up, and I was out the door. They were kind and helpful and courteous and that was great. On the report from one of my tests though on my discharge papers the tech noted that they found a '3-4 mm left upper lobe nodule'
Now, naturally being who I am, when I was feeling a bit better, I looked this up. I've been really down ever since. Tonight though I can't stop crying. Now let me say that the words that follow the incidental discovery are 'doubtful significance in this young patient' and they never said anything to me while I was at the ER so I'm likely just working myself up over nothing, but for the past month really this has just been eating away at me and right now I can't deal with this alone anymore. I've got a doctor's appointment at the beginning of december, and we're going to talk about this, but right now I can't handle the not knowing for until then. I don't want to drag my family into this either because I don't want them to be heartbroken or upset about it when it very likely could be nothing. I mean look at what this is doing to me, how is it fair to do this to someone else? I just don't know what to do.
Hi,
Well first is to to do what you aren't doing. Don't panic.
When you see a patients a do a large number of investigations you invariably come up with some results that don't fit the norm. As a pathologist you then write on the report, odd thingy found, significance unknown, follow up?
On a lung scan you OFTEN find nodules or scarring of some sort. These can be the result of a heavy cold or pneumonia, environmental factors, asthma attacks all sorts of stuff besides serious problems. Mostly these findings are in no way serious.
One of the consequences of improved technology in pathology is that we detect more abnormalities than we used to. They are called abnormalities but to be fair they are called that because you don't know what else to call them.
I'll give you a case in point. My particular speciality is a leukaemia known as CLL, Chronic Lymphocytic Leukaemia, it is the most common leukaemia in adults in the western world and it is easy to diagnose. With the increased sensitivity of testing we can detect in quite large numbers of people a CLL like population. For a while we reported it as possible early onset CLL. That has stopped as it scared the c**p out of everyone concerned, when in practice we wanted the labs to say, retest in 12 months or so.
So that is what now happens and 9.9/10 in 12 months those cells have disappeared, because that is what our body does. disappears stuff. Some times they stay. I have one patient who has had the same population for the last 5 years and no evidence of leukaemia.
In your case it is probably nothing, in fact the hard money will be on nothing. Because if anyone thought it was significant they would have had you in for further investigations before you got to the car park.
There is a reason why medics etc have resisted having patients view their own medical files. It is exactly what you are doing to yourself.
Be calm and don't worry.
Cindy. PM me if you wish.
Quote from: Lucky Peach on October 31, 2012, 07:39:03 PM
Thank you both so much. I'm sorry I'm posting this here, but I'm just freaked out and scared right now. I'm trying to stay away from telling my parents what's up until I have a better understanding of what I'm dealing with. I'm trying not to worry those around me because I don't want that whole treating me different thing that happens when something serious is up. It's happened before, and right now what I need is the semblance of life as normal, not my family worrying about me which will only make me feel worse.
I'm really sorry, that sounds incredibly stressful. And I know what you mean about preferring "life as normal." I'd second the: is there any way you can get your appointment moved up?
And you really don't need to apologize for asking for support. That's what this place is for. Much love,
Sarah
Quote from: .caleb on October 31, 2012, 05:37:05 PM
Aww. :(
So while buying clothes I got continually misgendered. "I need to cancel the transaction for this woman while she goes to get some cash." "She's going to pay in bills." "Watch out for her cart."
I was with a good friend, so I asked her if it was my mannerisms. she said no, that generally, in public, I come off as rather masculine unless I am nervous. Which is what I thought. She said I had down all the details while dealing with the individuals at the store, down to the way I held the shopping bags. She couldn't pinpoint a feature though.
So I asked people I knew at university later. They all said they'd read me as a woman on the street. I asked for age, I got anywhere between 24-30 but the most common was 27/28. One older lady I worked with said "I'm sorry Caleb, but you just look like a very mature woman."
oh well. At least as a woman I look respectable. *sigh* And apparently tough. Which is hilarious to me, because those who know me as a man see me as a rather passive and nervous man. Oh well. If I am doomed to never pass, I may as well look like a woman worthy of respect. That really hurts though, and the thought of never being able to truly live as myself makes me...terrified honestly. I guess I just have to work hard, build myself up, stay strong, in case that does happen so I don't kill myself.
Aw man I'm so sorry about this, I honestly really do think you will pass eventually. You know how to get me if you need talk mate.
Actually last Tuesday, my computer monitor died and I had to replace it :P These unexpected expenses are killing me
thinking about the limits of medication.
I may not be able to go to a PFLAG meeting where I hope/know I can get the support I need. Also, I am being taken for granted.
Spending a birthday alone.
Spend your birthday here with us! Time to break out the good stuff! Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on November 02, 2012, 12:35:19 PM
Spend your birthday here with us! Time to break out the good stuff! Hugs, Devlyn
I didn't know anything good could come from Mass.
Quote from: Sephirah on November 02, 2012, 12:28:04 PM
Spending a birthday alone.
bag o' doritos, cup a noodle soup, and some HBO should help, feel better :)
Quote from: Brooke777 on November 02, 2012, 12:37:54 PM
I didn't know anything good could come from Mass.
Now you know! ;D
Quote from: Sephirah on November 02, 2012, 12:28:04 PM
Spending a birthday alone.
I'm sorry, Seph. Many birthday wishes!
Quote from: Sephirah on November 02, 2012, 12:28:04 PM
Spending a birthday alone.
Is there anywhere you can go just to hang out and be around people?
Quote from: Sephirah on November 02, 2012, 12:28:04 PM
Spending a birthday alone.
Gee Sephirah, that's a shame, may the days ahead be good and fulfilling ones for you!
Quote from: Sephirah on November 02, 2012, 12:28:04 PM
Spending a birthday alone.
I know it's off the topic, Sephirah, but since you're here, I need to tell you I've been missing your posts. Good to see you back. Hope your break brought good things.
My friends are distant and i'm worried that they don't like me anymore, also my iPad internet connection is utter ->-bleeped-<-.
For the past week or so there has been moisture problems in our basement suspected to come from my bathroom. So I did some leg work about 20 min ago and the tub faucet is going bad... so umm, yeah
I'm not a happy camper because I'll probably be tasked with replacing it even though it was only like a couple years ago that mum and I worked on the same ffffing tub on the same ffffing problem...
:icon_dizzy:
Changing the title on my bank account from Mr to Ms has caused all kinds of tedious chaos when it comes to online banking. Try as I might, I can no longer make successful online payments to people. So I phoned up to get help with this, and the woman I spoke to put me through to the fraud dept., because she thought I was using someone else's card (because how can I possibly be Ms and have such a deep voice?) ::) - luckily, from there on in, they were great (once I explained in a resigned voice that yes, this is my account, I'm going through a gender transition, I know I have a deep voice...)
Quote from: Padma on November 03, 2012, 04:41:16 AM
Changing the title on my bank account from Mr to Ms has caused all kinds of tedious chaos when it comes to online banking. Try as I might, I can no longer make successful online payments to people. So I phoned up to get help with this, and the woman I spoke to put me through to the fraud dept., because she thought I was using someone else's card (because how can I possibly be Ms and have such a deep voice?) ::) - luckily, from there on in, they were great (once I explained in a resigned voice that yes, this is my account, I'm going through a gender transition, I know I have a deep voice...)
I did do the face to face for my bank accounts. The guy who I dealt with it looked like a a prep school student from a born again Christian' virgin school (not meant to be insulting BTW), he did do the blink several times as I explained my situation. After that he was great. 'Do you want your title as Ms, Mrs or something other?' I wasn't sure about the something other but it sounded tempting. So I ended up Ms and he changed all my accounts and credit cards and then thanked me as Ms XXXX. Felt like asking him for a date :embarrassed:, I'll have to stop my desire to corrupt young studs. :laugh:
Ms Cindy Whiplash
Quote from: Cindy James on November 03, 2012, 04:49:30 AMI'll have to stop my desire to corrupt young studs. :laugh:
Fret not, you can only corrupt the ones who want to be corrupted ;D.
Negative thinking. I'm beginning to feel very inferior to other men.
It doesn't help when a girl asks you to help her move something at work and you can't then some lanky guy comes along and moves it in 10 seconds by himself.
Quote from: Cindy James on November 03, 2012, 04:49:30 AM
I did do the face to face for my bank accounts. The guy who I dealt with it looked like a a prep school student from a born again Christian' virgin school (not meant to be insulting BTW), he did do the blink several times as I explained my situation. After that he was great. 'Do you want your title as Ms, Mrs or something other?' I wasn't sure about the something other but it sounded tempting. So I ended up Ms and he changed all my accounts and credit cards and then thanked me as Ms XXXX. Felt like asking him for a date :embarrassed:, I'll have to stop my desire to corrupt young studs. :laugh:
Ms Cindy Whiplash
:D Ms. Whiplash, you are so hilariously out of control girl! Must be why they keep you "Down Under" huh? Now if it was me doing that I would have had the fellow leave the Ms and Mr boxes and then have him add a box that said, "All of the Above" with an X next to it. ;D
Oh man. I was checking out Underworks cause I need a new binder (probably multiple), and they have a "nude" one as well. For some reason that sort of freaked me out.
Quote from: .caleb on November 03, 2012, 01:44:10 PM
Oh man. I was checking out Underworks cause I need a new binder (probably multiple), and they have a "nude" one as well. For some reason that sort of freaked me out.
LOL "nude". I might get that when I need a replacement, ><
They don't seem to have any pictures of it. At first, for some reason, when I read "nude" I imagined just a clear one where I could see my chesties all smooshed up inside it, and the thought made me want to find the nearest bridge. :P But I think it must just be "flesh-coloured" which I assume means white people flesh coloured. -_-
Quote from: .caleb on November 03, 2012, 02:29:42 PM
They don't seem to have any pictures of it. At first, for some reason, when I read "nude" I imagined just a clear one where I could see my chesties all smooshed up inside it, and the thought made me want to find the nearest bridge. :P But I think it must just be "flesh-coloured" which I assume means white people flesh coloured. -_-
You guys are sooo funny! :icon_help: Nude means white person flesh tone unless specified otherwise. :D
I know it generally means white person flesh. That's problematic though, lol. God I hate the word problematic. Especially when it is used for anything remotely social justicey. But problematic is what it is.
I wonder if my friend is still up for the camping trip/retreat. I could really stand to recharge my batteries.
chesticles
smooshed up
see through
nude
....
ANYWAYS, (lmao) currently memorizing the Cryllic alphabet and the bones of the human body.
what is my life.
Quote from: .caleb on November 03, 2012, 06:07:44 PM
I know it generally means white person flesh. That's problematic though, lol. God I hate the word problematic. Especially when it is used for anything remotely social justicey. But problematic is what it is.
I wonder if my friend is still up for the camping trip/retreat. I could really stand to recharge my batteries.
I intend to work "social justicey" into conversation tomorrow. ;D
Quote from: Felix on November 05, 2012, 04:21:35 AM
I intend to work "social justicey" into conversation tomorrow. ;D
Lol, be my guest. ;D Let's spread it like wildfire.
Ay yay, like the "flesh tone" sticking plasters ::).
I hate that I'm not perfect.
This may be too much info for some...
When I started T I got a feeling like something was constantly pushing against my downstairs for the first 3 months or so. That vanished but since then I felt pain sometimes on one particular side, like I'd pulled a muscle in that area. Anyways randomly got it again and just checked and there's this lump/ small ball thing under the skin that hurts to hell to touch. =\
Better get to the doctor Tom. Might be a hernia too...Good luck but don't dally!
Quote from: Shantel on November 05, 2012, 05:20:17 PM
Better get to the doctor Tom. Might be a hernia too...Good luck but don't dally!
Yeah I will do, thanks ;)
I wish people wrote things that make sense.
I mean really. How hard is it to form three clear and effective sentences?
Headache. Need to be up early tomorrow.
Realized my first therapist appointment is next week and not this week. Was so looking forward to it, now another week lost...
Quote from: Ave on November 03, 2012, 07:27:42 PM
chesticles
smooshed up
see through
nude
....
ANYWAYS, (lmao) currently memorizing the Cryllic alphabet and the bones of the human body.
what is my life.
Я желаю вам удачи, мой друг.
I am sad because I have had to break off contact with a really close friend because she had become impossible to be around.
Conversation had been reduced to a repeated re-telling of her quite traumatic life, to the point where it was starting to trigger my depression, and her belief in conspiracy theories had become fanatical, and conversation reduced to a one-way rant.
Sad. Hopefully it will be a wake-up call, but I am not confident.
Karen.
My PTSD adrenalin-mangled mind. My friend I'm trying to set up a community with asked me to email some other people yesterday, and I completely forgot. So she did it early this morning, and I feel really embarrassed.
Woke up with my stomach feeling a bit off, can't seem to get back to sleep
My next appointment with the doc at the gender clinic (which already got set back a month) has now been set back another month. I'm not even sure why that bothers me, because I'm just getting on with it now - but it seems to bother me a lot. Strange.
Quote from: V M on November 07, 2012, 06:23:16 AM
Woke up with my stomach feeling a bit off, can't seem to get back to sleep
Hey Virginia, what's going on with you dear? You seem to have been suffering a lot lately. Maybe it's time to see the doc for a good check-up huh?
Depression and Money Problems >_<
Dealing with State government officials. I suddenly realised that being lobotomised was part of their career structure.
PC Nazis! :police:
Trying to come to terms with my general apathy lately. I think I'm still working hard but I feel so skinless and rattled that I often go to great lengths for safety and comfort. I don't care much or think things through beyond what it takes to limit excitement. I'm sure I'll come around, but it's a little uncomfortable to notice the situation.
This: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,126480.msg1026508.html#msg1026508 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,126480.msg1026508.html#msg1026508)
All the love in the world isn't enough when you aren't what they want or need.
Quote from: MadelineB on November 10, 2012, 02:26:51 AM
This: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,126480.msg1026508.html#msg1026508 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,126480.msg1026508.html#msg1026508)
All the love in the world isn't enough when you aren't what they want or need.
Madeline her reaction is really weird. Like, not standard or normal or healthy level weird. I'm sorry she feels that way.
Quote from: MadelineB on November 10, 2012, 02:26:51 AM
This: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,126480.msg1026508.html#msg1026508 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,126480.msg1026508.html#msg1026508)
All the love in the world isn't enough when you aren't what they want or need.
It was eloquently written, but oh the drama! I understand her, but you did what needed to be done. Consider the fact that true love is unconditional where the partner accepts you as you are warts and all. "It isn't easy being green!'" Ms. Piggy knew that but had to resort to drama because she is who she is.
They didn't have frozen pizzas at the store due to a cooler problem, the bastards!
Quote from: Felix on November 10, 2012, 03:44:29 AM
Madeline her reaction is really weird. Like, not standard or normal or healthy level weird. I'm sorry she feels that way.
Thanks Felix. I know there is no organic brain disease, and she was quite sober saying these things, so I am choosing to accept that, excuse or not, she is looking for a way out of the marriage that saves face for her, and like a lot of people she uses anger for fuel to take action and wants to stoke her anger. If it wasn't this it would be the next thing. On top of the gender transition, which she seemed to be accepting, there was my other, slower transition from doormat to human being that isn't acceptable at all.
Quote from: Shantel on November 10, 2012, 09:07:44 AM
It was eloquently written, but oh the drama! I understand her, but you did what needed to be done. Consider the fact that true love is unconditional where the partner accepts you as you are warts and all. "It isn't easy being green!'" Ms. Piggy knew that but had to resort to drama because she is who she is.
Thanks Shantel. I never reproduce the drama to family or friends, which is one of the ways I allow myself to become isolated. Having a therapist has really helped to start break that habit.
Quote from: MadelineB on November 10, 2012, 11:52:53 AM
Thanks Shantel. I never reproduce the drama to family or friends, which is one of the ways I allow myself to become isolated. Having a therapist has really helped to start break that habit.
Hey sweetie, just being here among like thinking friends is good therapy because we all can bounce stuff off one another and commiserate!
I'm sorry, Madeline. *big hugs*
Despite finding haircuts that I think would look good on me, I can't overcome the anxiety of going to hair places. They try to do one of two things: they try to make me look "pretty" and don't cut it the way I want, or they cut it too short, which honestly just doesn't work for a guy like me, and makes passing even harder.
The thought of going anywhere to get it done now makes me sick, and I'm almost desperate enough to try cutting it myself. But I'd end up bald. I know it's because I don't pass that I am so bloody anxious. Almost 7 months on hormones and it just never happens. When they gender me female and try to make me look "pretty" it just reminds me that everything was wrong when i was born. If I was born cis, chances are, I'd be seen as male. I just hate myself so much.
And beyond this, my aunt is not inviting me to my cousin's birthday party. I expected this as they don't like me being around with my transition, and don't want my cousins to know...but they're not inviting my brother now because he refuses to talk about my transition like it's a mistake. He's sad because he's been hiding the fact that he is gay for family support, but now he's at a point where he feels he has nothing to lose because they reject him anyway because he supports me.
Quote from: .caleb on November 10, 2012, 04:01:26 PM
Despite finding haircuts that I think would look good on me, I can't overcome the anxiety of going to hair places. They try to do one of two things: they try to make me look "pretty" and don't cut it the way I want, or they cut it too short, which honestly just doesn't work for a guy like me, and makes passing even harder.
The thought of going anywhere to get it done now makes me sick, and I'm almost desperate enough to try cutting it myself. But I'd end up bald. I know it's because I don't pass that I am so bloody anxious. Almost 7 months on hormones and it just never happens. When they gender me female and try to make me look "pretty" it just reminds me that everything was wrong when i was born. If I was born cis, chances are, I'd be seen as male. I just hate myself so much.
And beyond this, my aunt is not inviting me to my cousin's birthday party. I expected this as they don't like me being around with my transition, and don't want my cousins to know...but they're not inviting my brother now because he refuses to talk about my transition like it's a mistake. He's sad because he's been hiding the fact that he is gay for family support, but now he's at a point where he feels he has nothing to lose because they reject him anyway because he supports me.
I had this problem, in the end I got my mum to go with me and have a cut herself and introduce me as her son. I don't know if that would work for you?
Btw you have a great brother =]
So I was all stocked up ready to move on with life and I go back to college and she's just so lovely and we laugh and we joke. She tries to press a button that she shouldn't and I hold her arms back and she laughs and keeps fighting till we are literally holding hands. Then later that day in another lesson I make her laugh and she rests her head on my shoulder and I melted.
This is so hard lol. I'm not really unhappy about it more...confused. I don't know what to do tbh
Ahhh. That is one thing that really sucks about women. -_- Lol. I'd say I'm currently wrapped around someone's little finger. :P
Madeline you have a right to have a life, and if your wife thinks you will be unfaithful to her just because you are in transition then she has probably never understood you. Sorry it turned out the way it did. Hugs darl.
Realising how unfit I am after a short bike ride this morning. I will admit I live in a hilly area, but it was a shock to see how hard it was to climb on the first ride in months. More riding needed I think.
Karen.
I'm still very angry over what happened with my aunt. It dredged up a lot of anger from the past.
The odd general depression thing, didn't even want to get out of bed most of the day :P
I broke another nail, so now I have to mess with going all the way into town tomorrow morning to get them done.
I have a gigantic positive for pollen allergies and my arms are completely swollen from the tests.
Bleeeh my sister drives me crazy even when she's trying to do something nice xD
For well over two weeks now we've had an agreement that she would come and pick Arisa up at around 6pm today, and keep her tomorrow while I go and see Ross Noble. She tends to forget so every couple of days I've been sure to remind her and confirm the day and the time
She turned up just after 1pm, literally 10 minutes after I put Arisa down for a nap....she has had the same nap time since she was 1 month old, every single day, 1 until 3, like clockwork.
She was angry at me for not being ready. Had a good moan about how I've messed up her plans for the day. I told her I would go and wake her up and grab her overnight bag and would be like 10 minutes, but she was like nope just leave her we'll come back later and drove away >.> Am I supposed to be psychic?
This incident alone probably wouldn't be enough to annoy me but this happens so often it isn't funny any more. She knows the schedule, unless I am informed in advance that she is coming Arisa WILL be put down for a nap between 1 and 3. Why does she always turn up in that time window and then bitch at me for not being ready.
Quote from: .caleb on November 10, 2012, 04:01:26 PM
Despite finding haircuts that I think would look good on me, I can't overcome the anxiety of going to hair places. They try to do one of two things: they try to make me look "pretty" and don't cut it the way I want, or they cut it too short, which honestly just doesn't work for a guy like me, and makes passing even harder.
The thought of going anywhere to get it done now makes me sick, and I'm almost desperate enough to try cutting it myself. But I'd end up bald. I know it's because I don't pass that I am so bloody anxious. Almost 7 months on hormones and it just never happens. When they gender me female and try to make me look "pretty" it just reminds me that everything was wrong when i was born. If I was born cis, chances are, I'd be seen as male. I just hate myself so much.
Barbers and stylists that advertise in the local Gay/Lesbian paper can be your best bet, though sometimes they are a little pricier than your local dive. They are much more likely to feel safe, and more likely to be familiar with the styling concerns (and what works) for crossdressers, transmen, bois, dykes, genderqueer, and college kids with a thing for rebellious hair. Just come dressed how you feel most yourself, and tell your stylist what you want - for example, I need a cut that accentuates my masculinity and good lucks, but not too short.
Remember, not everything was wrong when you were born. An amazing male child and future man was born, with the strength and inner vision to overcome the tough role of the dice you were given. It is the soul that makes the man. Your body is a wonderful man's body because you are a wonderful man.
Feeling a bit down lately.
Usually I'd get only 5-6 hours of sleep per day. I decided to start changing my habits by getting to bed at 23:00 instead of 0:30, since I get up at 6:15 to go to the gym before work. This good habit would leave me with around 7 hours of sleep. Not eight, but much better.
The problem? I keep waking up at 5:00 too pee, and I spend like one hour awake pondering whether to go to the bathroom or hold it and try to sleep again. When I finally go, It's only 15 minutes away from getting up, and I feel so tired that I give up on going to the gym and get back on bed one extra hour.
And then things get worse. I feel guilty, flabby, and then I see a gorgeous girl on the metro.I lose all my confidence again, feel that I will never be like that, and feel bad about skipping the gym. I have little fat left, but all my muscle jiggles from lack of exercising.
Damn, ever since I started the dutasteride and the anti depressants, I keep peeing constantly. It's been ages since I got a full night of uninterrumpted sleep.
An old friend of mine's teenage daughter just committed suicide, due to at-school and online bullying. I feel heartbroken.
Quote from: Padma on November 13, 2012, 03:47:42 AM
An old friend of mine's teenage daughter just committed suicide, due to at-school and online bullying. I feel heartbroken.
-hug- -hug- -hug-
That's horrible, those bast*rds. Things like that really make me annoyed. There's no need to pick on someone and especially not to such an extent.
I hope your ok padma x
Thanks. I have no idea what this is like for my friend (and her other two daughters). There's got to be some way to teach empathy in schools.
Quote from: Padma on November 13, 2012, 05:50:34 AM
Thanks. I have no idea what this is like for my friend (and her other two daughters). There's got to be some way to teach empathy in schools.
I would have thought you shouldn't have to teach people it
Quote from: Padma on November 13, 2012, 05:50:34 AM
Thanks. I have no idea what this is like for my friend (and her other two daughters). There's got to be some way to teach empathy in schools.
Something is amiss in the home, that's where the empathy should be taught. The school's simply need to watch for signs of bullying and step in, but somewhere in the bully's home life the parents have dropped the ball.
I am so sorry Padma. It is really sad when someone takes their own life.
I was supposed to get internet on friday. They didn't show up. I'm getting it Thursday (if they show up). (This is school internet which wasn't working for me very well until now.)
I am not happy with my ability to concentrate (or lack thereof) and my memory. I need to improve them.
Yesterday, the day care was closed because it was a holiday. The university was open because it wasn't really a holiday. My psych professor decided that was a great day to schedule a midterm. Luckily, I got a babysitter.
I am single again after she decides to tell me that any affection I give creeps her out. Which is fine she has always been emotionally dead. Have no idea why I even bothered with her to begin with.
I'm single, too, good-looking! Hugs, Devlyn
awww thats sweet ^_^
I've been pretty angry over the last few days.
My brother came out as gay. And I am VERY happy that everyone in the family responded to him in the best way possible. I would never want him to experience the pain I felt when I told them I liked girls, and it getting even worse when I told them I was trans. I probably opened their minds a lot, you know? And got them educated on it, so when LW came out, he was fine.
I didn't expect, though, that it would make me so resentful. I should have had the same good experience coming out. I came out and I cried for months because I was told I'd be a prostitute, poor, that I was some feminist bitch, that I hated men, that I hated straight people, and so on and so forth. They were downright cruel and vindictive. And my brother gets a pat on the back and "you're a good person, that's all that matters." Obviously they realize that their first reaction to me was wrong, since they gave LW a different one.
But they deny it ever happened. They say "we were just fine when you came out the first time, lesbian is no problem, it's trans that is the problem." LIES. Lesbian WAS a problem. A huge problem. and no one will take any bloody ownership for the things they said and the impact thy had on me.
I honestly want to smash the hell out of something. I want to break something into smithereens, you know? They can "learn the error of their ways" and posit themselves as this goddamn beacon of tolerance, with no regard for the fact that that was gained at MY expense. That I had to do a lot of crying, that I had to hold my head high and stay strong, and never break, so that they can praise themselves for being the "good family" who doesn't reject their kids.
I am tired of being such a doormat, I am tired of being a tool for others to grow. I am tired of people using me and then abandoning me, having no regard for the things I put up with.
-hug- your not a doormat dude.
I am extremely worried about my mind-to-speech pattern. It's like my brain is not quick enough to process a fluid conversation. Most of the time I don't know what to say, or how to finish a sentence, and I get stuck in the middle with those longs eeeeehhhh...
I wonder if too much time text chatting has damaged my ability to maintain fluid conversations.
There's nothing on TV, morning tv sucks.
my dog smelled bad, so I gave her a bath. Now her wet body has placed itself on my bed. My mattress is going to stink.
Painting and wearing cute flats (I'm a tall girl)...
Found out a friend of mine may be a ->-bleeped-<-...damn
My mom suggested I got my parenting skills from her. No I didn't. She's just ignoring the fact that she is a bad parent. She's not insinuating that I am. However, I have no patience for her little fantasy.
Every xmas my ex visits her family for a week, this year she's got custody of my dog until I get a place where I can have him back & she dropped the bombshell that she's taking him away for the xmas week, normally when she goes away to visit family I stay at her house with my dog but this year she's being a selfish cow & taking him away.
This means that she'll be surrounded by her family for xmas with MY dog by her side & i'll be spending xmas alone, i suspect she's doing this out of spite, also, every other time she goes away she expects me to stay at her place & water her plants but as they will be harvested before xmas she won't need me there.
I'm sick of being her bloody slave, whenever I go to walk my dog I end up doing shopping for her because she's too damn lazy to go to the shops herself, if she wants a take away then I always end up going for it, when her TV broke I gave her one of mine, i've had enough of being her gopher, i've given her 2 years to get over her anger issues about my transition & i've reached the end of my rope
that my brother refuses to even look me in the eye or acknowledge my presence at family gatherings.
i feel like if i ever want to dress in public, i can't because my friend who is MtF will be jealous because they are too afraid to do so.
Hormones, in terms of emotions, seem to be a bit of a paradox for me. Estrogen made me very emotional, and I'd frequently cry and pour my heart out - BUT, I didn't understand my feelings well and I was often wrong about what was going on because there was a heck of a lot floating around.
On T, I understand my feelings very well, for the most part. BUT I can't find the words to express them. I am trying to write a letter to my family. I am trying to explain my transition so they understand this is a matter of my health. I am also going to press the name issue. I don't expect most of them to use my new name, even though they have known it for years...but I won't answer to my old name anymore. I will correct them every time. I will also no longer attend family functions as female. If they want ME, they can have me, but I am going to make it clear I am no longer playing girl for them.
But writing it out, I just sound like a dick. I have no desire to be all mushy and emotional and sweet, or to sugarcoat anything. I just want to flat out say it. Screw the flowery crap.
My appointment with my gender therapist was supposed to start fourteen minutes ago. Where is she? Oh right. Time zones. Oops.
Quote from: Casey on November 18, 2012, 07:05:36 PM
Hormones, in terms of emotions, seem to be a bit of a paradox for me. Estrogen made me very emotional, and I'd frequently cry and pour my heart out - BUT, I didn't understand my feelings well and I was often wrong about what was going on because there was a heck of a lot floating around.
On T, I understand my feelings very well, for the most part. BUT I can't find the words to express them. I am trying to write a letter to my family. I am trying to explain my transition so they understand this is a matter of my health. I am also going to press the name issue. I don't expect most of them to use my new name, even though they have known it for years...but I won't answer to my old name anymore. I will correct them every time. I will also no longer attend family functions as female. If they want ME, they can have me, but I am going to make it clear I am no longer playing girl for them.
But writing it out, I just sound like a dick. I have no desire to be all mushy and emotional and sweet, or to sugarcoat anything. I just want to flat out say it. Screw the flowery crap.
Well I'd be happy to help you out if you want it but don't feel any pressure to accept pal =]
I may take you up on that. I gave up last night, lol.
The tenants that live above me and the landlors are jerks...sorry for the language in the last post i was just very mad. The tenants are two faced jerks, they smile but they hate me i can feel the hostility. This is no way to live and i can't move, i am SOOOO Freakin' mad.
I am very upset and depressed with members of my immediate family and their B.S. :icon_anger: You'd hate the holidays too after awhile if you had a family like mine :P
Quote from: V M on November 21, 2012, 08:53:33 PM
I am very upset and depressed with members of my immediate family and their B.S. :icon_anger: You'd hate the holidays too after awhile if you had a family like mine :P
Hang in there Virginia, you'll get through it! Maybe it's time to bulldoze the toxic relationships out of your life and pick out some good friends to be "family with instead.
Quote from: Laura91 on November 19, 2012, 01:20:50 PM
That sucks about your brother. Maybe he will come around in time.
As far as your friend is concerned, you shouldn't let her jealousy issues stop you. If she has a problem with it then too bad. Do what YOU want to do.
Thank you!
I lost my wallet. Fack. I have to leave really soon, haven't had any sleep, and if I don't find it my friend is going to think I want her to foot the bill on everything. GOD. And if it's not in the house, it means I lost $100 in cash as well.
I must wait next two months for legal prescription for hrt because there is no doctor who can assess the impact on children ???
AAAAAgghhhhhh
In two months there still won't be any doctor, but as I wait long ::) I will be allowed to skip this step >:(
secrets
Allergy Attack :/
Feeling helpless and wishing I could perform miracles to help someone whom I have long held admiration for... Crying :'( :'( :'(
Give me sleep or give me death!
...neither?
*grabs an energy drink*
I'm excited for clothes shopping now. Ever since I realized I was using them to hide, it's all I can think about now when I get dressed.
i feel like i have no friends, i'm poor and i hate it.
I got rather stressed at the prospect of these next two weeks. A lot of people will want my help because of the papers and the final.
If the questions for essays and exams are too pointed, people stress out because they are looking for a specific answer and think that nothing else will do. If they are too broad and open-ended, people still don't feel the freedom to do as they wish with it because they have no idea where to begin.
The education system really needs to place more emphasis on the importance of learning. Because a lot of people seem to miss the point, and as a result, lack the confidence they need to proceed on a project. They don't know what graders want or expect because their whole lives they've had an inadequate education.
When I let the dogs out tonight, my cockatiel (Ellen Degeneris) who likes to sit on my shoulder and who helps me type posts on Susan's, flew out of the bedroom and right past me and the dogs and into the night. I tracked her down in the chill dark rain, 40 feet up in a spruce tree a block over. I talked to her for two hours and lighted myself and her favorite perch from every angle, but I couldn't get her to fly out of the tree and finally had to come home before midnight so I wouldn't wake the neighborhood. I'll try again at first light, but I'm afraid she won't survive the cold tonight. I cried all of the way home.
Ohhh. :( I really hope she will be OK. Please let us know. I know how that feels. I lost my dog a few months ago. it was only for a few hours, but I was so scared and heartbroken until I knew she was safe. *hugs*
Quote from: Casey on November 30, 2012, 06:02:22 AM
Ohhh. :( I really hope she will be OK. Please let us know. I know how that feels. I lost my dog a few months ago. it was only for a few hours, but I was so scared and heartbroken until I knew she was safe. *hugs*
Thanks Casey. It hurts. I will check her tree in a minute on my way in to work, but the chances are so slim. I'll let you know tonight if she's still MIA or if I'm planning memorial services for my 3 ounce friend.
Any word on Ellen, Madeline? *hugs*
*wrote out a long rant about ignorant family members and how my hair is falling out over it*
But you know, in writing all that out, I realize it's the exact same thing I have been saying for over a year now. No wonder I have such a terrible self-esteem. I was raised to live on my knees, and sure enough, that is what I am doing.
After the dinner, I'm going to take the first step, which is finding some resources for them.
Quote from: Casey on December 02, 2012, 05:27:30 PM
Any word on Ellen, Madeline? *hugs*
No sight of my birdie. His cage is outside with food and water in case he somehow makes it and finds his way home. Oh, but I did learn that she is a man. American bird "experts" are a little ignorant about the coloration of Australian birds and what it means. Sorry Ellen D for misgendering you.
Quote*wrote out a long rant about ignorant family members and how my hair is falling out over it*
But you know, in writing all that out, I realize it's the exact same thing I have been saying for over a year now. No wonder I have such a terrible self-esteem. I was raised to live on my knees, and sure enough, that is what I am doing.
After the dinner, I'm going to take the first step, which is finding some resources for them.
It feels good to finally stand up!
Realizing I might never be brave enough to tell my parents...
one of the persistent nice looking guys bugged me again tonight about going on a date. It really bugs me that I just can't ever just say sure because I know damn well what will happen and it wouldn't turn out well at all. And I have no idea if he knows I am trans or not.
Quote from: silly by the seashore on December 02, 2012, 10:50:11 PM
one of the persistent nice looking guys bugged me again tonight about going on a date. It really bugs me that I just can't ever just say sure because I know damn well what will happen and it wouldn't turn out well at all. And I have no idea if he knows I am trans or not.
Ok Jaimie, don't make me unhappy thinking about you isolating yourself, just have a cup of coffee or a beer with him and come right out and tell him. He'll either be accepting or he won't, meanwhile it won't be any skin off your nose and you won't have to pound your thumb with that hammer anymore! :)
The dentist team I was referred to is not a maxilofacial in the end. I'm afraid I will never now what's the cause of my jaw lateral misalignment and if it has a solution. I pray it is a disc / muscle issue and not a birth defect....
Quote from: Shantel on December 03, 2012, 08:13:44 AM
Ok Jaimie, don't make me unhappy thinking about you isolating yourself, just have a cup of coffee or a beer with him and come right out and tell him. He'll either be accepting or he won't, meanwhile it won't be any skin off your nose and you won't have to pound your thumb with that hammer anymore! :)
The trouble is the way the area is here. I can't cause any sort of trouble with anyone. Small communities and big mouths. I don't want someone to feel uncomfortable coming to the store because of me nor do I want him embarrassed. I'd just rather people be able to take no right off and not bug me about it. I'm mostly used to the isolation in my personal life too.
Quote from: silly by the seashore on December 03, 2012, 09:58:01 AM
The trouble is the way the area is here. I can't cause any sort of trouble with anyone. Small communities and big mouths. I don't want someone to feel uncomfortable coming to the store because of me nor do I want him embarrassed. I'd just rather people be able to take no right off and not bug me about it. I'm mostly used to the isolation in my personal life too.
I understand, yes small towns can be that way where everyone knows your personal business. I had been thinking of getting out of the big city life and moving to a small town in the sticks, but thought better of it on account of my own situation. It's easier to assimilate into the crowd in a big city and hide right out in the open.
I got declined for my free health care, and with crippling back pain I've been bedridden with no chance of seeing a doctor because I can't afford it. I've got too many health problems for regular insurance, so I'm screwed forever. I've considered saving up for a wheelchair because I can't walk, it's that bad. I also have no job.
It's been disappointment after disappointment with a mounting pile of bills ahead of me.
I'm still in love with her... And she's still in love with me. Why is everything so damn complicated all the time!? *headdesk*
Quote from: Sage on December 03, 2012, 01:40:38 PM
I'm still in love with her... And she's still in love with me. Why is everything so damn complicated all the time!? *headdesk*
Amores perros. *hugs & vibes*
I keep telling myself my crush is getting better, it's going away yey!
Lets get on with just being her friend.
I'm lying to myself.
Quote from: Jam on December 03, 2012, 04:43:49 PM
I keep telling myself my crush is getting better, it's going away yey!
Lets get on with just being her friend.
I'm lying to myself.
I'm sorry to hear that. Is there any way you could let her know how you feel?
I lost my transit card today. Now I have to wait an hour to catch a ride with someone.
Quote from: Brooke777 on December 03, 2012, 05:36:03 PM
I lost my transit card today. Now I have to wait an hour to catch a ride with someone.
:(
I made myself sad.
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on December 03, 2012, 05:16:47 PM
I'm sorry to hear that. Is there any way you could let her know how you feel?
Yeah I already have and there seemed to be a chance she liked me back, but I told her I'm ftm, she was brilliant about it but it appears I've been friend zoned.
Both of the shuttle drivers were sick when I went to my therapist session last week and I'd thought I'd escaped catching it, no such luck :P Started feeling kinda run down and grumpy over the weekend and sure enough woke up sick as a dog this morning :P Blah, I'm sick of coming down sick :P
Quote from: V M on December 03, 2012, 07:02:27 PM
Both of the shuttle drivers were sick when I went to my therapist session last week and I'd thought I'd escaped catching it, no such luck :P Started feeling kinda run down and grumpy over the weekend and sure enough woke up sick as a dog this morning :P Blah, I'm sick of coming down sick :P
Sorry you're feeling sick Victoria hope you kick it quickly, would probably help if you'd quit sitting on that block of ice though kiddo!
Just when I thought I was doing sort of good with myself, I totally froze this morning and just couldn't go out and face the world because I feel I look so much a female and nothing can hide it. I'm a terrible mess and finally made the first move to get some help with this all.
Came back from the dentist. Whiter than I usually am. The answer was not good. More like the "worst case scenario" I did not want to happen.
Quote from: Phoeniks on December 04, 2012, 05:14:13 AM
Just when I thought I was doing sort of good with myself, I totally froze this morning and just couldn't go out and face the world because I feel I look so much a female and nothing can hide it. I'm a terrible mess and finally made the first move to get some help with this all.
:( *hug*
I've done myself an injury at the gym because I was stupid and competitive. :embarrassed:
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on December 04, 2012, 02:19:00 PM
:( *hug*
Thanks ^^ Much needed :) And hopefully your injury gets better. I try to avoid running atm because of all the snow and ice, but it's hard...
More nightmares.
Quote from: Phoeniks on December 04, 2012, 02:53:48 PM
Thanks ^^ Much needed :)
No probs, I hope you feel better very soon.
Quote from: Casey on December 04, 2012, 02:54:48 PM
More nightmares.
:( That sucks. If you wanna talk about it, we're totally here for you. I often find talking about my nightmares helps, as it gets out some of the anxieties or fears that they play off of.
Same here, only that two nightmares instead of just one.
Flare-up of an old "waterworks" problem means I'm in a lot of discomfort, and can't volunteer today. I hate letting people down at short notice. And I hate when it hurts to pee (way too much of this in my past).
God. Ugh. I feel like such a piece of crap right now. I am hurting a friend. :'(
Quote from: Casey on December 05, 2012, 05:45:45 AM
God. Ugh. I feel like such a piece of crap right now. I am hurting a friend. :'(
:( *vibes* I'm sure you're doing your best to do the right thing.
Dave Brubeck died :(.
Quote from: Casey on December 05, 2012, 05:45:45 AM
God. Ugh. I feel like such a piece of crap right now. I am hurting a friend. :'(
Hey man hope your alright
I am supposed to be on vacation. My first five days of vacations in a crazed year. And the for the last five hours, I've been working on a gigantic manual that details everything on my post. At this moment is 23 pages long, and it is not even 25%. Not to mention pictures, diagrams... That will need to be added later.
My new employeer signed a contract compromising to have the manual finished in three months, without knowing that in four years I have never had time to work on it, and my new boss is constantly giving me idiotic tasks that eat away my available time.
So here I am, working on it since my job continuity depends on it. Who am I to argue... I need the money.
Quote from: Apple Seed on December 05, 2012, 03:00:03 PM
I am supposed to be on vacation. My first five days of vacations in a crazed year. And the for the last five hours, I've been working on a gigantic manual that details everything on my post. At this moment is 23 pages long, and it is not even 25%. Not to mention pictures, diagrams... That will need to be added later.
My new employeer signed a contract compromising to have the manual finished in three months, without knowing that in four years I have never had time to work on it, and my new boss is constantly giving me idiotic tasks that eat away my available time.
So here I am, working on it since my job continuity depends on it. Who am I to argue... I need the money.
That totally sucks!
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on December 05, 2012, 09:17:24 AM
:( *vibes* I'm sure you're doing your best to do the right thing.
Quote from: Jam on December 05, 2012, 12:02:03 PM
Hey man hope your alright
Thanks guys. Things are fine, but my friend has been very concerned about the stress I've been under. And apparently she's in love with me (I knew she liked me and was interested in dating me, I had turned her down). It just makes me feel bad cause I hate making others feel bad.
Quote from: Casey on December 05, 2012, 08:34:39 PM
Thanks guys. Things are fine, but my friend has been very concerned about the stress I've been under. And apparently she's in love with me (I knew she liked me and was interested in dating me, I had turned her down). It just makes me feel bad cause I hate making others feel bad.
I understand. I take it you're not into her that way?
I hate seeing people throw their lives away. It just breaks my heart to see these people who live day to day with no hope of a better future. I wish there was someway to motivate a friend of mine to attempt to better her life. She is such a nice, fun person, but life screwed her and I just wish I could help her. It is just so frustrating. :-\
Quote from: muffinpants on December 05, 2012, 11:20:25 PM
I hate seeing people throw their lives away. It just breaks my heart to see these people who live day to day with no hope of a better future. I wish there was someway to motivate a friend of mine to attempt to better her life. She is such a nice, fun person, but life screwed her and I just wish I could help her. It is just so frustrating. :-\
:(
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on December 05, 2012, 08:42:05 PM
I understand. I take it you're not into her that way?
Well...I dunno. The one thing that gets me a lot is that she just keeps popping into my life at just the right times. Sometimes it seems like the fates are trying to push us together.
We were coworkers. When I was with my ex, she expressed interest in me and my ex was really hurt by that. So I distanced myself from her, and we lost touch when I quit that particular job. Then when I broke up with my ex...sure enough, who am I in touch with again? Had a brief and rather uneventful rebound thing with her. Then recently, she pops back into my life again. Like this has been a 4 year thing.
I don't know why I don't want to date her. She's attractive, she sees me fully as male, she knows me well, we have (generally) similar sorts of values. It does cross my mind now and again that maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea...I mean, I am single. She's single. We don't hate each other. Why not? But it feels wrong to date someone when you don't actually feel the sense that it would work out long term. We'd do one of two things: settle, or one of us would leave the other when the "right one" came along, leaving the other alone. Lol.
To add to it, I guess my real problem is I find it really annoying and disrespectful when people settle because they can't find the right kind of love or person for them. To me, it's just really unfair to all parties involved. The person who you "settled" for becomes someone who doesn't get the love they deserve, and the person who settled sold themselves short. Plus...if the person who settled finds someone they really do love, and have a connection to, then it hurts the person they settled for.
It just seems messy. a part of me wonders if she just needs to get me out of her system and get bored with me. :P But then if she stays in love with me...well, if I don't end up falling for her too, we're in that trouble.
I guess I just struggle a lot with it morally.
That does sound tricky mate, a lot of unknowns.
I'm afraid I don't have much in the way of helpful advice. :-\
Quote from: Casey on December 06, 2012, 03:44:46 AM
To me, it's just really unfair to all parties involved. The person who you "settled" for becomes someone who doesn't get the love they deserve, and the person who settled sold themselves short.
Unless love grows between the two, like a carefully tended flower, and both begin to see something special in each other that neither ever imagined was there.
The kind of nightmare/flashback that jolts you awake, leaves you with a cold and squirmy feeling in the pit of your stomach, and hands that will not stop shaking.
...
Ugh, I hate this.
Quote from: Sephirah on December 06, 2012, 08:58:51 PM
The kind of nightmare/flashback that jolts you awake, leaves you with a cold and squirmy feeling in the pit of your stomach, and hands that will not stop shaking.
...
Ugh, I hate this.
I feel you on that Sis. Although our separate experiences may be similar and/or different in various ways, the things that bother our slumber are very real because they did happen and we are left to deal with the outcome of such things
Always here for you Sis.
Hugs
- Virginia
Quote from: Sephirah on December 06, 2012, 08:58:51 PM
The kind of nightmare/flashback that jolts you awake, leaves you with a cold and squirmy feeling in the pit of your stomach, and hands that will not stop shaking.
...
Ugh, I hate this.
I'm so sorry you have those. They really suck.
Thank you both. I'll be okay, I should be used to it by now. It's more disorientating than anything. Well, that and... yeah, probably best not to say. Folks might be eating, lol.
*checks heart rate is somewhere below the frequency of a hummingbird's wings*
*sigh*
Okay. Time to do something productive and haul my backside to the kettle. :)
Quote from: Sephirah on December 06, 2012, 08:58:51 PM
The kind of nightmare/flashback that jolts you awake, leaves you with a cold and squirmy feeling in the pit of your stomach, and hands that will not stop shaking.
...
Ugh, I hate this.
I can relate, still have those and see the bloated corpses we rolled over in SE Asia to search for info as their faces stick to the ground and maggots roil out of their eye sockets. And people still have doubts about my PTSD??!!
My nana wont be getting any more treatment for her leukaemia because the last chemo she had made her very ill. At least she will be home soon, just need to organize some help for her with washing etc before she comes home.
I'm having an anxiety / depression attack. I'll have to take the damn emergency pill, but I'm going to hate tomorrow. Those morning when I am too afraid of coming out of bed, thinking I will start thinking about bad things in the moment I am on my feet.
Quote from: Nathan. on December 07, 2012, 01:54:24 PM
My nana wont be getting any more treatment for her leukaemia because the last chemo she had made her very ill. At least she will be home soon, just need to organize some help for her with washing etc before she comes home.
Ah Nathan, I am so sorry. :( *hugs* I know first-hand how hard those moments are. My best to you and your family.
I'm so fed up with my mother.
"Are you taking your medication?" "Are you taking your medication?" Every time she gets me on my nerves and makes me explode... It's the usual, she loved to call me "mental patient", and all sor of mental health related insults every time she got me on my nerves because whenever she loses a conversation, she resorts to insults.
Being forced to take citalopram now for her is like a proof of me having a mental illness.
My father had to stop her because she was not stopping.
"NO, I'M NOT TAKING ANY PILLS. I TOLD MY DOCTOR THAT I WAS STOPPING THEM BECAUSE THEY WERE MESSING ME, MAKING ME MORE APATHIC, NOT LETTING ME SLEEP, ETC".
I got the info on the dosages from my doctor for going of the drug. It was a moment when I could not take any more crap until GD therapy started. But that's over. C'mon.
Of course, I have not needed pills for the head in my life. And much less since I started therapy. But of course, she does not know what I am having to suffer every day, and what happens to me.
Yeah, pills? Yep, anti androgens and estrogen. Best thing I could ever find. Now the only thing that's left clear is that she is the same irritant little person that keeps making my life miserable.
Anyways, they are leaving for vacations for a week and I will be alone. SO I don't think I will be removing breastforms and wig at home.
I just got home from seeing my ex today at her parents place. I had been putting it off for a while.
Seeing her makes me feel very sad. :(
She was my soulmate and we were going to get married after it was love at first sight many years ago.
She has a ABI or an acquired brain injury for the uninitiated after a truly horrific accident 5 years ago.
It's so hard remaining positive, as she will never recover and confined to 24/7 care for the rest of her life.
She still recognises me which is good and it makes her feel better when I see her which is good.
It's taken me many years of therapy to cope with what happened but still upsets me now.
Jen :( :(
Hugs Jenny
Quote from: Jenny07 on December 09, 2012, 02:35:10 AM
I just got home from seeing my ex today at her parents place. I had been putting it off for a while.
Seeing her makes me feel very sad. :(
She was my soulmate and we were going to get married after it was love at first sight many years ago.
She has a ABI or an acquired brain injury for the uninitiated after a truly horrific accident 5 years ago.
It's so hard remaining positive, as she will never recover and confined to 24/7 care for the rest of her life.
She still recognises me which is good and it makes her feel better when I see her which is good.
It's taken me many years of therapy to cope with what happened but still upsets me now.
Jen :( :(
OMG that's so sad Jen! (((hugs)))
Thanks Shantel & VM
It is an awful situation and brings me to tears everytime I see her.
I still love her very much but there is nothing I can do about it other than be there for her.
Sometime I wish she had not fought so hard as it's a living hell for everyone including her.
This does sound harsh and uncaring but this is no TV drama where people get better.
She was in a coma for 6 months and in hospital for 18 months and I was there by her side.
Still upset now. :'(
J
It is understandable to be upset Jenny, I would be very concerned if someone was not upset by such a situation
I did some care work when I was younger and although I felt glad to be helping others, witnessing so much suffering was very difficult
Wishing you all the best
Hugs
Is it really so much to ask for to have one normal week? :eusa_wall:
Or at least a week that has no bad news
I got a call today from my boss telling me that a guy I go to college with on wednesdays went missing last week and then was found dead on thursday, apparently it was suicide. Phil didn't want to tell me on the phone but with me recovering from surgery I only go in for college on wednesdays and the teacher was sick today so I only heard about it today when Phil called to say there was no college.
RIP Sean
http://m.epsomguardian.co.uk/news/10101580.Missing_man_found_dead/ (http://m.epsomguardian.co.uk/news/10101580.Missing_man_found_dead/)
Apple Seed, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. *hugs*
From yesterday. Very upsetting.
Oregon Mall Shooting: Gunman Opens Fire At Clackamas Town Center Mall In Portland (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/12/oregon-mall-shooting_n_2285243.html)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-1.gif&hash=4a7edb8e10f639196821bd403e6dc36860459f64)
I've been following the news on the mall shooting :'( It is so hard to understand why these people do such things, I'm just glad more people were not harmed and my heart goes out to the victims and their families :'( :'( :'(
Quote from: V M on December 12, 2012, 08:33:58 PM
I've been following the news on the mall shooting :'( It is so hard to understand why these people do such things, I'm just glad more people were not harmed and my heart goes out to the victims and their families :'( :'( :'(
There are a lot of mentally disturbed people going over the edge over societal pressures these days. Wish if they had to shoot someone they would just do themselves rather than take innocent people with them.
My favorite student (yes, I know I'm not supposed to have a favorite) is eighteen points away from an A. So she is getting a B.
Quote from: Arch on December 12, 2012, 10:40:13 PM
My favorite student (yes, I know I'm not supposed to have a favorite) is eighteen points away from an A. So she is getting a B.
It happens. Lol. In all my times TAing I have always had a favourite. I tell myself the important thing is that you mark them as fairly as everyone else, and it sounds like you're doing that since she's getting the B.
I feel like crap today because a cold has just started. It makes studying difficult.
I'm doing practice questions for my math final and I am so darn frustrated. The more I do, the more I realize that I am completely screwed. I don't have a clue what I'm doing. Nothing is sticking. I can't understand what this question is asking me and I can't find anything about how to even begin to understand it in either my notes or the textbook. WTF.
Also, does anyone know how to fix it when some youtube videos won't play? They're just black like when flashplayer fails. Except it hasn't failed because some videos still play.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on December 12, 2012, 08:02:12 PM
From yesterday. Very upsetting.
Oregon Mall Shooting: Gunman Opens Fire At Clackamas Town Center Mall In Portland (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/12/oregon-mall-shooting_n_2285243.html)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-1.gif&hash=4a7edb8e10f639196821bd403e6dc36860459f64)
That is truly horrible. :(
The mall in Clackamas is scary even when folks aren't shooting each other. I worry about people who might now feel like something so simple as visiting the mall will put them at risk for getting shot, though. I wish people would keep their murderousness to themselves. That guy could've found excitement or expressed his anger or whatever in some other way. :(
What made me unhappy today was just my stupid ankle being stupid. Not a bad problem to have, considering whatall some people are dealing with.
Problems are still problems, whatever their size.
I hope your ankle feels better soon.
Ice then maybe heat for the ankle, Felix. Sorry it is acting up.
Quote from: Casey on December 13, 2012, 12:00:35 AM
It happens. Lol. In all my times TAing I have always had a favourite. I tell myself the important thing is that you mark them as fairly as everyone else, and it sounds like you're doing that since she's getting the B.
I still hate it...she works so hard on take-home writing and brings home an A almost every time. But when she gets into a timed writing situation, she gets B minuses because English isn't her first language.
Her very traditional family wants her to fly back to the Middle East and get married and give up her dream of entering a "male" discipline. But she has ambitions. Unfortunately, she needs a lot of A grades to get where she wants to go. Grr.
I just found out that a young adult shot up an elementary school. He killed 18 kids. What the *word I am not allowed to use*
Quote from: Edge on December 14, 2012, 12:39:59 PM
I just found out that a young adult shot up an elementary school. He killed 18 kids. What the *word I am not allowed to use*
That is sickening. Where did this happen?
Newton, Conn.
27 dead, at least.
"Mostly children."
One shooter dead.
I wish I didn't have a math test this evening so I could go get my son from day care and cuddle him all afternoon.
This is so sad. Two in the same week. It is time to ban all handguns, semi-automatic weapons in America.
I've been watching the news coverage :'( :'( :'( Very upset
Pulling my hair back to apply minoxidil and seeing my thinning wet hair near the temples = Feelsbadman.jpg. The hairline is regrowing, but I keep losing hair and no good hair seems to be regrowing there...
I do hope E starts acting sooner or later...
My friends phone died in the middle of a phone call, and I was fixing to ask if I could come over!
>__< and they still have not plugged it in and turned it on. I hope my friend does soon because I was supposed to go out with my friend tonight, but if I can't get a hold of them, it won't happen!
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on December 14, 2012, 02:44:48 PM
This is so sad. Two in the same week. It is time to ban all handguns, semi-automatic weapons in America.
It is time to put armed guards in the schools.
Crazy people find ways to kill.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on December 14, 2012, 02:44:48 PM
This is so sad. Two in the same week. It is time to ban all handguns, semi-automatic weapons in America.
It is beyond sad, but banning guns would be an impossible task as there are an estimated 300 million privately owned guns and 180 million legal firearms owners in the US. It would be just as impossible to ban forks and spoons because too many Americans of late are obese. The laws protecting mentally ill people from being forcibly committed for evaluation and therapy needs to be revisited rather than allow them the right to suddenly run off the rails and commit mass murders. They are doing the killing not the guns, and I'm tired of those wanting to take away the tools of destruction rather than dealing with the real problem which is the individual who is doing the destroying. Anything else is an insipid argument like getting rid of cars because they kill people....Duh!
Quote from: Jamie D on December 14, 2012, 07:38:42 PM
It is time to put armed guards in the schools.
Ready and willing, sign me up
Quote from: Jamie D on December 14, 2012, 07:38:42 PM
It is time to put armed guards in the schools.
Crazy people find ways to kill.
I drive by the local high school quite a bit. There's a police presence, not because of Columbine, but to keep the gang bangers from the school.
I'm unhappy not only for the victims and survivors of the Connecticut shooting but the situation I found out about it. I was out of it all day because I didn't get much sleep last night due to the pain med for my feet failed overnight. I found out about the shooting early online and the news release had it as another school shooting, film at eleven type of deal. I went back to bed and awoke to full coverage everywhere this afternoon.
Joelene
Quote from: V M on December 14, 2012, 10:35:00 PM
Ready and willing, sign me up
"An armed society is a polite society."
- Robert Heinlein
Tonight, my mom asked me why my ex-partner often got her presents (from me) late. She meant it as an innocent question, but for some reason it just really hit me. It probably made my ex feel like I didn't care enough to pick out a present far enough in advance. Realistically, I sent them because our anniversary was January 18, so I figured it was fine if both came around the same time. But I never told her that, and she always got my presents to me so I could open them on Christmas day. I am almost certain she felt that I didn't care as much as she did, because she felt that way in so many other parts of our relationship.
So now I'm sitting in my room crying. *sigh* On T, the most I ever get is a few tears welling up in my eyes, but there's tears on my cheeks right now. I'm over my ex...I know that we had our problems and it would have been a struggle to work out our communication issues. I also am ready to date other people and I believe there are many people out there I could happily spend a life with.
But I feel like such a failure as a man. When I met my ex, I saw how people in her life took her for granted and made her feel unloved. But I loved her. And I told myself that they were crazy, and that I would always show my love for her. That I'd always give her the love and respect she so deserves. That I'd protect her heart from all the pain in the world. And I failed. I failed in so many little ways. At a certain point, she didn't feel loved or valued in the way she should have. I loved her with all my heart but for so many reasons I wasn't able to show it. I can't help but wonder how many times that made her cry.
I don't want to do that to anyone again. How do I know I won't be the same next time around? "She'll always know how much I love her", only to make someone feel unloved and alone. I had good intentions the first time, and that got me in the exact opposite place I swore I'd be.
I'm just going to go into the shower and cry pathetically. I feel like such a horrible person right now.
Quote from: Casey on December 15, 2012, 09:46:46 PM
I don't want to do that to anyone again. How do I know I won't be the same next time around?
*Hugs*. Can you keep in mind that as human beings we're not required to be perfect? It's ok to be imperfect. The very best we can ever ask of ourselves is that we learn and grow from our mistakes.
My car ran out of coolant today. The first time it happened, I was on my way to my accounting final (I was in a rush).
The second time it happened, I was heading to Wal-Mart.
I really hope I can get the water pump fixed ASAP.
I need a bike fender! I rode on the wet ground today, and I got a wet butt. :(
Quote from: DianaP on December 17, 2012, 10:14:16 PM
I need a bike fender! I rode on the wet ground today, and I got a wet butt. :(
Would putting a plastic bag (from Wal-Mart or Target or whatever) over your seat work as a temporary fix? If you put it on right, it'd theoretically keep your butt dry.
Quote from: Siege on December 17, 2012, 10:19:41 PM
Would putting a plastic bag (from Wal-Mart or Target or whatever) over your seat work as a temporary fix? If you put it on right, it'd theoretically keep your butt dry.
Not exactly. Plastic bags get caught in the wheel too easily, and they flail, making them poor at providing protection. Plus, it's best to put a blocker straight over the entire wheel, since water can splatter from any point on it, which is why fenders are low and go over the whole wheel.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmasher.net%2Fbike%2F3speedupdate%2Fnewbike-fenders.jpg&hash=eef9206e98f3e0080b1659a3d265ad858ed6efbe)
Quote from: Liam Erik on December 17, 2012, 09:33:28 PM
Ay, Casey, sorry you've been down... I can't say anything useful, so in an effort to cheer everyone up or at least get a smile or two here's a picture of a baby Border Leicester with airplane ears.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1213.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fcc474%2Floganerik%2FP10707162_zps30a8d361.jpg&hash=dd4b1b7615de01d35d80bdd96784fb8810d3ed95)
What a darling little animal!
QuoteNot exactly. Plastic bags get caught in the wheel too easily, and they flail, making them poor at providing protection. Plus, it's best to put a blocker straight over the entire wheel, since water can splatter from any point on it, which is why fenders are low and go over the whole wheel.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmasher.net%2Fbike%2F3speedupdate%2Fnewbike-fenders.jpg&hash=eef9206e98f3e0080b1659a3d265ad858ed6efbe)
Ah. I see.
Learn something new every day. :D
Our school announced yesterday that as a reaction to the tragedy in CT, from now on we'll be on continuous lockdown with all classroom doors locked at all times.
That means when someone comes in after class starts, they'll have to knock and disrupt the class while someone lets them in. It means I'll have to unlock the door between classes and then lock it again once class starts.
Not sure it will make anyone safer, but perhaps the administrators will feel better, and that's why we're all here.
Last time I talked to my therapist, I wanted to talk about how I feel uncomfortable in groups of people because I don't look like myself and I feel invisible and what to do about it. Instead, the conversation got steered to why I don't trust people. I'm sick of being told that "there must be someone" or that "it can't have been everyone" or "why didn't you try this?" Answer: It's obvious and I am not a complete idiot. Of course I tried it. Several times. It didn't work. I'm tired of having to repeat that it didn't work over and over and over in the same conversation because they claim they can't believe that. They also claim they're not calling me a liar and get mad at me when I get mad at them for not believing me. I'm tired of that too. I'm tired of having to repeat over and over again that I can't control other people. I'm tired of having to explain to people that, no, I shouldn't have to put all the effort into a potential friendship because if they don't put any effort into being friends with me, they clearly don't want to be my friend. No, hanging out with me when I invite them does not mean they want to. I learned that the hard way over and over and over again. I'm tried of asking why I always have to be the one to reach out to people and do all the work. I want to be friends with people who reach out to me. I'm tired of being looked down on as stubborn and disagreeable because I know what behaviours attract harmful people to me and I don't want that. I'm tired of people telling me what I "should" be doing and what I "should" be thinking and how I'm "wrong."
Quote from: Shantel on December 17, 2012, 10:58:51 PM
What a darling little animal!
I'm sure I replied to the picture of the baby, but my post doesn't seem to be here...sooooo cute though. Made me smile the second time I saw it today. Thanks Liam. :)
I don't know if this made me unhappy per se, but the pharmacist assumed that I was my own wife. As in, I was picking up T for my husband. She was like "When is his birthday? What is he allergic to?" I couldn't really be arsed correcting her though. I'll only see her like twice a year.
I went to see my doctor today. Six weeks ago, she had told me she would find information on transitioning and to come see her again in six weeks. Basically, I went in and was told that she asked someone in another province for information. She had no other information to give me except to say that she heard about an endo in a city an hour's drive from me (not that it matters how long the drive is since I don't have a car and it's too far to walk).
I just came from the ofthalmologist today. 120€ lost just to hear "I only see 1 mm of difference, I am not going to operate on you. I can make you tests for Myasthenia gravis (Although I can tell you you don't have it), but you have to live with it."
Seriously... 1 mm?
http://i.imgur.com/nZExR.jpg (http://i.imgur.com/nZExR.jpg)
I can't stand my face anymore. I only ask for symmetrical eyelids and a correct jaw...
I'm just so tired of stuff, i have no real reason to be sad today but i am and it feels like hell. Yay Depression!
I always get a little sad when I think about how I get myself into emotionally difficult situations.
Found out today a friend of the family passed away on Weds. and the funeral is tomorrow (Saturday)
Sorry to hear off your loss
Hugs
Great, now my problem seems a lot more inadequate...
I hurt my lower back, and now I feel like some old lady whenever I bend over too far. :(
Quote from: V M on December 21, 2012, 09:09:51 PM
Sorry to hear off your loss
Hugs
Thank you,
He was sick for a long time so it wasn't unexpected. It's still hard when they are somewhat close to you.
Quote from: SarahM777 on December 21, 2012, 09:23:32 PM
Thank you,
He was sick for a long time so it wasn't unexpected. It's still hard when they are somewhat close to you.
Hugs Hon
Quote from: DonnaTroy on December 20, 2012, 02:15:32 AM
I'm just so tired of stuff, i have no real reason to be sad today but i am and it feels like hell. Yay Depression!
Are you getting treatment for it in your new city? It's the sort of detail that can get lost in a major move like they one you just went through.
My grandma (who is really unaccepting of my transition) had me over today. I'm at the point where I can't even look at her in the eye, because I know she could (and would) look me dead in the eye and still see a woman.
I actually didn't have too much of an issue with the misgendering and birth name, until out of nowhere she said "MISS!" and I almost blew up and yelled "I am NOT a miss." I held back though, because one of our family members is in the hospital again and it seems less and less likely that she will be with us much longer. I don't want to be the centre of any fights right now so I am leaving the name and pronoun issue alone. In a few years, when things get better with transition, I will look back at most of this and at best, laugh. At worst, I will be angry and feel bitter when the memories come. Whatever.
Honestly, the misgendering sucks, but it is nothing compared to the feeling of feeling unable to look someone I love right in the eye. My body language also gets very defensive around her. She sat beside me and I turned away, crossed my arms and legs, until I realized it looked a) stupid and b) very unnatural. It makes me sad, because I love her so much, but I can't quell the anxiety no matter how hard I try. I'm not that person she is trying to see.
Quote from: SarahM777 on December 21, 2012, 08:49:51 PM
Found out today a friend of the family passed away on Weds. and the funeral is tomorrow (Saturday)
Sarah.....((((((hugs))))))
I can't seem to log in to Susans via tapatalk. "invalid password" blah blah blah. I'm too new to smartphones to diagnose what is going on.
Quote from: MadelineB on December 22, 2012, 08:08:59 PM
I can't seem to log in to Susans via tapatalk. "invalid password" blah blah blah. I'm too new to smartphones to diagnose what is going on.
Wait, could it be that your Smartphone isn't as smart as it should be? Does the "Lemon Law" cover Smartphones as well?
My friend's family keeps calling me "she" even though they know I'm male.
Tapatalk works now. O0:'(
An argument was had :(.
As I'm switching forms of T, I ran out and am waiting for my shot in two days...in the meantime, without any T in me (for a bit over a week now), I've gotten a breakout like I haven't seen since I was pre-T. It affects all my skin too, it's more than just bumps. My face is rough and red, but beyond that, it's painful and dry, and nothing is taming the beast. I don't care (much) if I look bad, I just hate when acne hurts.
The only thing that has ever cleared it up is not eating. -_- Whenever I get sick and can only drink liquids, my skin becomes phenomenal and stays that way for a while. Lol. And one time a friend convinced me to try a "cleanse" with her...that did it too. Honestly, if it gets more painful, I might get that desperate. :P
Feeling lonely, despite having someone here. :-\
I just lost one of my best friends.
I'm broke >:(
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on December 25, 2012, 01:03:45 PM
Feeling lonely, despite having someone here. :-\
My huggy senses are tingling! :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:
Quote from: Casey on December 25, 2012, 02:35:17 PM
I just lost one of my best friends.
Unless he/she is dead, maybe you can make up? :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:
Quote from: DonnaTroy on December 25, 2012, 03:06:09 PM
I'm broke >:(
That's what Christmas shopping does. :P
Actually i don't have any family in the states so.....yeah just broke on trying to live.
Quote from: DianaP on December 25, 2012, 03:20:03 PM
Unless he/she is dead, maybe you can make up? :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:
She may as well be dead. When she decides to put her mind to something, that is that. It is done. That is one thing I have always known about her. She said we will never speak again, she truly means never.
Seeing the sale for Call of Duty: Black Ops 2
Quote from: DianaP on December 25, 2012, 03:20:03 PM
My huggy senses are tingling! :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:
Thanks, sweetie x
Quote from: Casey on December 25, 2012, 02:35:17 PM
I just lost one of my best friends.
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope that she will come round, in time.
The girl that got written up the other day quit today. Now we are down to just me and the manager to clerk. That means no days off and my few days of vacation next week got screwed over. grrrr
My fiancé's visiting her parents and now it seems she won't come back for New Year's which means I'll be spending it alone.
Well, there's the cat but I'd kinda like to have some more human company.
Brilliant.
A guy on my Facebook friends list is using homophobic slurs again when he's actually just expressing generic disapproval. He's still not bothering to listen when I call him out and try to enlighten him, instead choosing to pick on the tiny semantic error in my response as a way to entirely write off everything I've said. Thinking of going zero tolerance on this stuff, it's really making me angry.
Fell asleep while waiting for my computer to restart earlier :P
My right eye is slightly lazy. It's not that noticeable unless you look closely (or see it in a photograph), but it makes me angry. -_- And I feel terrible about myself for the rest of the day.
I talked about this trans stuff with someone who used to be my friend, and left feeling weird. I knew I'd not get the support from them that others have given me, but still. Just meh.
Having to work on my day off and knowing it will be a while before I get any days off again. Damn you people that quit with absolutely no notice.
T.T My mom thinks she did something wrong because I don't like sex.
Found out I have to wait two more weeks for the next episode of Fringe O_O ...
I have to get an eye exam done and get new glasses even though I don't want them. I don't like change. I hate that stuff they drop in your eyes.
I will see if I can get a male pair of glasses at least.
Quote from: Malachite on December 29, 2012, 11:45:01 AM
I have to get an eye exam done and get new glasses even though I don't want them. I don't like change. I hate that stuff they drop in your eyes.
I will see if I can get a male pair of glasses at least.
Your eyes get dilated and you will look like a fish for several hours. Be sure and take your own sunglasses, the ones they give you are super dorky!
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on December 27, 2012, 04:28:09 PM
A guy on my Facebook friends list is using homophobic slurs again when he's actually just expressing generic disapproval. He's still not bothering to listen when I call him out and try to enlighten him, instead choosing to pick on the tiny semantic error in my response as a way to entirely write off everything I've said. Thinking of going zero tolerance on this stuff, it's really making me angry.
Good for you, Aethan! I vote for the 'zero tolerance' option. It really kills me when I hear people uttering slurs homophobic, or even racial. I've never been a viloent person but this really gets to me. If someone has so much hatred in their heart as it sounds like your facebook friend is exhibiting it makes me wonder if they are really just mean spirited or maybe they just weren't loved enough growing up. Just thought i'd comment! It sounds like you've done everything you could to call him out on it. If it were me (this is my opinion only!) I would defriend him.
Quote from: Casey on December 28, 2012, 02:37:06 PM
My right eye is slightly lazy. It's not that noticeable unless you look closely (or see it in a photograph), but it makes me angry. -_- And I feel terrible about myself for the rest of the day.
Sorry casey, my mom has a lazy eye and it has really been a source of frustration for her as well:( she tends to turn slightly before photos are taken so that her 'good side' as she calls it is showing. I know this doesn't help much but she has said that in general as she's gotten older it doesn't bother her as much.
Quote from: Shantel on December 29, 2012, 11:54:57 AM
Your eyes get dilated and you will look like a fish for several hours. Be sure and take your own sunglasses, the ones they give you are super dorky!
I got lucky this time and didn't have to get the dilated yay!
But then I got bad news about high blood pressure for my age. I will probably go to the doctor soon for them to tell me about all of these conditions that I have.
Quote from: Malachite on December 29, 2012, 04:48:49 PM
I got lucky this time and didn't have to get the dilated yay!
But then I got bad news about high blood pressure for my age. I will probably go to the doctor soon for them to tell me about all of these conditions that I have.
African American ethnicity + Salt = Hypertension. You know what you have to do, cut the pizza and sodas to zip too. Your Aunti Shan is looking out for you kid!
Quote from: Shantel on December 29, 2012, 05:23:52 PM
African American ethnicity + Salt = Hypertension. You know what you have to do, cut the pizza and sodas to zip too. Your Aunti Shan is looking out for you kid!
Yeah, what a lovely combination lol. I was doing good for a while but just fell off the bandwagon. I need to cut out a lot of the juices too and just go water. Luckily, I only have 2 classes in next semester of college this time and they are both online so that will be more time for me to get more active.
Quote from: Malachite on December 29, 2012, 06:13:58 PM
Yeah, what a lovely combination lol. I was doing good for a while but just fell off the bandwagon. I need to cut out a lot of the juices too and just go water. Luckily, I only have 2 classes in next semester of college this time and they are both online so that will be more time for me to get more active.
Will be thinking about you too sweetie, be good!
Ungrateful weaklings who stopped visiting my grandparents as their health declined should not have been allowed to be my grandfather's pall bearers.
I detest my school. I get so much homework! Do the teachers not know that we have lives?! >:(
Today at work one of my co-workers was particularly cruel. He keeps teasing me that I'm gay because I'm still with my husband, which doesn't particularly bother me because I'm only "gay" for one man, haha. But when I told him that, he asked if we still had 'typical' sex, and I said 'well, yeah, work with what you've got', to which he responded, "Well then you're not gay, you're just a girl. And until you get that *points at my crotch* fixed you'll always just be playing pretend." ...I need a heartbreak smiley today.
Quote from: Biscuit_Stix on December 31, 2012, 10:38:01 PM
Today at work one of my co-workers was particularly cruel. He keeps teasing me that I'm gay because I'm still with my husband, which doesn't particularly bother me because I'm only "gay" for one man, haha. But when I told him that, he asked if we still had 'typical' sex, and I said 'well, yeah, work with what you've got', to which he responded, "Well then you're not gay, you're just a girl. And until you get that *points at my crotch* fixed you'll always just be playing pretend." ...I need a heartbreak smiley today.
I know this ->-bleeped-<- hurts but screw him. You know who and what you are.
Quote from: Biscuit_Stix on December 31, 2012, 10:38:01 PM
Today at work one of my co-workers was particularly cruel. He keeps teasing me that I'm gay because I'm still with my husband, which doesn't particularly bother me because I'm only "gay" for one man, haha. But when I told him that, he asked if we still had 'typical' sex, and I said 'well, yeah, work with what you've got', to which he responded, "Well then you're not gay, you're just a girl. And until you get that *points at my crotch* fixed you'll always just be playing pretend." ...I need a heartbreak smiley today.
Sorry that happened, but a co-worker has no business saying that stuff or asking you about how you have sex with anyone. Some people are really a-holes. I'm glad that where I work, that stuff wouldn't be tolerated at all.
Quote from: Biscuit_Stix on December 31, 2012, 10:38:01 PM
Today at work one of my co-workers was particularly cruel. He keeps teasing me that I'm gay because I'm still with my husband, which doesn't particularly bother me because I'm only "gay" for one man, haha. But when I told him that, he asked if we still had 'typical' sex, and I said 'well, yeah, work with what you've got', to which he responded, "Well then you're not gay, you're just a girl. And until you get that *points at my crotch* fixed you'll always just be playing pretend." ...I need a heartbreak smiley today.
I know what to give him for his first meal of 2013: I big knuckle sandwich!
Yeah, I solved this problem with violence, wanna fight about it? :laugh:
Quote from: Biscuit_Stix on December 31, 2012, 10:38:01 PM
Today at work one of my co-workers was particularly cruel. He keeps teasing me that I'm gay because I'm still with my husband, which doesn't particularly bother me because I'm only "gay" for one man, haha. But when I told him that, he asked if we still had 'typical' sex, and I said 'well, yeah, work with what you've got', to which he responded, "Well then you're not gay, you're just a girl. And until you get that *points at my crotch* fixed you'll always just be playing pretend." ...I need a heartbreak smiley today.
-hugs-
One of the best things you can say in a situation like that.... "Okay."
Quote from: Biscuit_Stix on December 31, 2012, 10:38:01 PM
Today at work one of my co-workers was particularly cruel. He keeps teasing me that I'm gay because I'm still with my husband, which doesn't particularly bother me because I'm only "gay" for one man, haha. But when I told him that, he asked if we still had 'typical' sex, and I said 'well, yeah, work with what you've got', to which he responded, "Well then you're not gay, you're just a girl. And until you get that *points at my crotch* fixed you'll always just be playing pretend." ...I need a heartbreak smiley today.
Aagh! Talk about no sense of propriety, couth, personal boundaries, etc.
And, IMO, just a little too interested in your sex life, orientation, and lower regions. Makes us wonder what kind of confusion he might be dealing with.
In seriousness, this is sexual harassment. If it persists, you have the option of speaking with a supervisor.
Quote from: Biscuit_Stix on December 31, 2012, 10:38:01 PM
Today at work one of my co-workers was particularly cruel. He keeps teasing me that I'm gay because I'm still with my husband, which doesn't particularly bother me because I'm only "gay" for one man, haha. But when I told him that, he asked if we still had 'typical' sex, and I said 'well, yeah, work with what you've got', to which he responded, "Well then you're not gay, you're just a girl. And until you get that *points at my crotch* fixed you'll always just be playing pretend." ...I need a heartbreak smiley today.
What a dip-->-bleeped-<-! First he'd get a pro football level punt in the crotch and next he'd be in front of the employer and HR person getting his termination papers. You don't have to take that crap Biscuit_Stix! ((hugs))
I've barely talked to Layla lately. :-\ Or Caleb. That kind of sucks.
I don't have anyone else on my chat thingy. That also sucks.
My blood pressure kit shut off before I could get my reading....I'm going to wait to check it again so my arm can relax. That thing makes me feel like my arm is gonig to snap off
New Years Dinner...basically the same thing as Christmas, just with different people who didn't make it to Christmas dinner.
I sent my whole family an email telling them about how it makes me feel when they ignore my transition/use the wrong name and pronouns. And not a single person has acknowledged the message in either a good or a bad way. It's been over a week.
Quote from: Casey on January 01, 2013, 01:56:42 PM
New Years Dinner...basically the same thing as Christmas, just with different people who didn't make it to Christmas dinner.
I sent my whole family an email telling them about how it makes me feel when they ignore my transition/use the wrong name and pronouns. And not a single person has acknowledged the message in either a good or a bad way. It's been over a week.
Typical! They're going Ewwwww what Casey said makes me uncomfortable! I know it hurts hon, we can't choose our family but thankfully we can choose our friends and if the family thing becomes toxic we can always kick them to the curb and make the friends our new family. Painful, but it happens all the time. Meanwhile, you can't allow family members to hold you in emotional bondage for an extended period just because they can't deal with your stuff. I had to put my relationship with my mom and sister on the back burner for a period of ten years because of the same treatment, eventually they changed their thinking.
Ok, I expect lot but this?
"I look for a wife, the minimum requirement for that is being female."
That say me man, who met me once (at gallery) and I want to go to friendly lunch with him
WTF :o
I found out tonight that my fiancé is considering splitting up. He's gone off to bed, and although I'm exhausted, I'm feeling really anxious about going in there. We've both been stressed, but this is a horrible, unexpected sudden escalation. Might just get another blanket and sleep on the couch. Can't suppress the crying for long. This is awful. I want to talk to someone, but I have nobody else. I'd consider calling Samaritans, but I don't know how much good they could do. :'(
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on January 02, 2013, 07:23:43 PM
I found out tonight that my fiancé is considering splitting up. He's gone off to bed, and although I'm exhausted, I'm feeling really anxious about going in there. We've both been stressed, but this is a horrible, unexpected sudden escalation. Might just get another blanket and sleep on the couch. Can't suppress the crying for long. This is awful. I want to talk to someone, but I have nobody else. I'd consider calling Samaritans, but I don't know how much good they could do. :'(
Hang in there my friend, tomorrow will be another day and time for an extended breakfast and long heartfelt conversation where you both get to talk calmly with as little drama as possible and both listen to each other with an open mind and heart. It will pass and things will be better if you're both willing to give 100% with no expectations of anything in return. Best wishes to you both!
My house is filled with anger, hate and bitterness. *HUGS* Biscuit_Stix, i've got a good line i heard from a movie but i don't think the mods would accept what i would type heh.
Quote from: Shantel on January 02, 2013, 07:36:50 PM
Hang in there my friend, tomorrow will be another day and time for an extended breakfast and long heartfelt conversation where you both get to talk calmly with as little drama as possible and both listen to each other with an open mind and heart. It will pass and things will be better if you're both willing to give 100% with no expectations of anything in return. Best wishes to you both!
Thank you, I appreciate it. We didn't manage to get much time this morning, Himself had to get ready for work, but we did have a short reconciliatory talk. He's been bottling up stresses for a long time, and I've been leaning on him too much, with no idea how much it's taking out of him, so we've been spiralling into depression for some time without realising how bad things were. However, he reaffirmed that he loves me and wants to work things out. Neither of us want to split up, but we've agreed that we need to get more help, more coping resources.
I've gotten in touch with our local couples counselling service, hopefully they'll get back to me soon.
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on January 03, 2013, 03:30:54 AM
Thank you, I appreciate it. We didn't manage to get much time this morning, Himself had to get ready for work, but we did have a short reconciliatory talk. He's been bottling up stresses for a long time, and I've been leaning on him too much, with no idea how much it's taking out of him, so we've been spiralling into depression for some time without realising how bad things were. However, he reaffirmed that he loves me and wants to work things out. Neither of us want to split up, but we've agreed that we need to get more help, more coping resources.
I've gotten in touch with our local couples counselling service, hopefully they'll get back to me soon.
That sounds like good news! We had gone to counseling and the so-called expert couldn't seem to get his head around the fact that the husband (me) had been surgically and hormonally altered as if somehow a real relationship would be impossible without a big stiff woody. My little S.O. felt like taking his head off, interestingly though it was his college aged female intern that was sitting in that got us and it all made perfect sense to her. So we discovered that we really made the greatest progress in settling our issues between us by having long heartfelt talks at home and making the effort to un-stuff those things that we had been stuffing until we had hit the bursting point. Good luck you two!
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on January 03, 2013, 03:30:54 AM
Thank you, I appreciate it. We didn't manage to get much time this morning, Himself had to get ready for work, but we did have a short reconciliatory talk. He's been bottling up stresses for a long time, and I've been leaning on him too much, with no idea how much it's taking out of him, so we've been spiralling into depression for some time without realising how bad things were. However, he reaffirmed that he loves me and wants to work things out. Neither of us want to split up, but we've agreed that we need to get more help, more coping resources.
I've gotten in touch with our local couples counselling service, hopefully they'll get back to me soon.
.
Aethan, I'm so sorry:( I know that you both have a lot going on right now. Maybe he's one of those guys that internalizes everything (hence you say he's bottling everything up). I hope the couseling services get you in soon, maybe they can help you two keep the communication open between you. I'm hoping all goes well.
I wonder if I should post in this thread...hmm. I suppose it won't hurt.
I dreamt of being a child last night and it made me miss my Papa and Deustchland.
Quote from: AlexxToDream on January 03, 2013, 02:17:04 PM
I wonder if I should post in this thread...hmm. I suppose it won't hurt.
I dreamt of being a child last night and it made me miss my Papa and Deustchland.
You're homesick poor baby! ((((hugs))))
Quote from: AlexxToDream on January 03, 2013, 02:17:04 PM
I wonder if I should post in this thread...hmm. I suppose it won't hurt.
I dreamt of being a child last night and it made me miss my Papa and Deustchland.
I'm sorry, that must be difficult. *big hug*
Perhaps your unconscious is trying to work through those feelings with you.
On a lighter note, I can understand missing Germany, it's great. :)
I think I got another virus on my laptop....and I just did a destructive recovery not too long ago -_-
I'm worrying! Argh! The grades are due tomorrow, and I've submitted all of mine, but for some reason I can't see what he has entered and he can't see what I've entered.
Besides that, there were a few students whose papers I delivered to his mailbox, and none of their grades are up. What if he didn't get them. What if...argh ugh damn it all. Not that the problem/grade could not be amended, but it's a ton of paperwork and BS and what if I get blamed somehow.
Had to unfriend and block someone on FB because they were being an a-hole.
Quote from: Casey on January 03, 2013, 09:39:37 PM
I'm worrying! Argh! The grades are due tomorrow, and I've submitted all of mine, but for some reason I can't see what he has entered and he can't see what I've entered.
Besides that, there were a few students whose papers I delivered to his mailbox, and none of their grades are up. What if he didn't get them. What if...argh ugh damn it all. Not that the problem/grade could not be amended, but it's a ton of paperwork and BS and what if I get blamed somehow.
I'm sure they'll understand. It sounds like you did your work on time. Someone else might be to blame.
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on January 03, 2013, 10:05:34 PM
Had to unfriend and block someone on FB because they were being an a-hole.
Ah, Facebook, I never liked it. Hearing people go on about it today made me unhappy. :(
Most of the time, it's fine, but sometimes, like pretty much everywhere on the internet, you get people who won't see reason.
Quote from: DianaP on January 03, 2013, 10:26:23 PM
I'm sure they'll understand. It sounds like you did your work on time. Someone else might be to blame.
I'm sure. These particular students who gave me papers are all good students too, so if I tell them that it can be fixed, they won't freak. It's those who are insecure in themselves that panic even when we tell them it can be fixed.
Me and my mum were given eviction papers at the end of November saying we have to be out by the end of Jan because the council changed how much money we had to give towards rent, we used to pay £50 towards it a month, now we have to pay £250 a month which we have no way of paying.
We thought we'd be put in a B&B till the council found us a place, but mum had a meeting with Housing Options today and they said we'd be put up in a B&B for a few days but then we'll have to live in our car until they find a place. :(
Sorry Nathan, that truly sucks! Seems like a lot of folks everywhere are slipping through the cracks. I wonder if the local church people would offer any help?
Omg Nathan!!! They do this to you in the middle of winter? Keeping you and your mum in my thought in hope for something to work out for you
What made me unhappy was waking up barely able to breath, so I go to hit my inhalers which I know is going to trigger a coughing fit at this point :P Oh well, breathing is usually better than not breathing as far as I understand it
So I hit the inhalers and sure enough start hacking my head off which intern triggers my gag reflex and oh look, there's last night's dinner making a revisit to the kitchen sink and then again to the toilet
Well hooray, I'm able to breath again and crawl back in bed :icon_sleep: No sooner do I get to sleep the phone starts ringing with telemarketers and my loud neighbors start being loud
So now I'm sitting here half coherent and babbling my woes
Maybe I'll be able to get a nap later after an appointment :P
a lovely lady I know, whose family has accepted and loved me since we got to know each other, lost her mother yesterday. I wish there was something I could do for them.
Lately, I really feel like I have no one all that important in my life anymore. I think about it and I feel lonely, then I find myself feeling really unattractive.
I just want to feel like someone is close to me, I guess, but I don't.
Quote from: JasonRX on January 04, 2013, 07:28:07 PM
Lately, I really feel like I have no one all that important in my life anymore. I think about it and I feel lonely, then I find myself feeling really unattractive.
I just want to feel like someone is close to me, I guess, but I don't.
*big hugs*
Quote from: JasonRX on January 04, 2013, 07:28:07 PM
Lately, I really feel like I have no one all that important in my life anymore. I think about it and I feel lonely, then I find myself feeling really unattractive.
I just want to feel like someone is close to me, I guess, but I don't.
Oh I feel you man. :(
Got my hair cut today and...
Way too short. I know it will work well with the cut I'm eventually aiming for but right now I feel like I just stepped two months back in time :(
Unnecessary drama. Gosh darn it! Why can't people think? Issues are much more likely to be resolved if they try discussing them with me first! (I'm the admin of this group.) Also, he got all bothered about something he wasn't even there to witness! I was! Why did it not occur to him to talk with me before posting aggressive comments?
a nightmare about a school harming my nephew-the dream was like something out of a horror show combined with a video game-good thing though that I was a hero in the dream and saved him from all of the demented school staff
Drip...
Drip...
Drip...
My
Drip...
roof
Drip...
is
Drip...
leaking
Drip...
Drip...
Drip...
Quote from: Malachite on January 05, 2013, 03:57:46 PM
a nightmare about a school harming my nephew-the dream was like something out of a horror show combined with a video game-good thing though that I was a hero in the dream and saved him from all of the demented school staff
An authentic Alice Cooper hero! ;D
Mmm, I used more of my Subway gift card today. ;D Deliciousssss. and I have enough for 2 or 3 more foot long sandwiches.
Quote from: Casey on January 05, 2013, 06:14:40 PM
Mmm, I used more of my Subway gift card today. ;D Deliciousssss. and I have enough for 2 or 3 more foot long sandwiches.
So why are you unhappy? ???
Oh! LOL. This was supposed to be in the happy thread. *smacks head*
I found out that I shouldn't drive in my hiking boots. I found this out by causing about $1300 in damage to the garage door. I guess there are worse things that could have happened, but my wallet is not going to be happy for a while...
Season 3 of a show I like finally started after a pretty long absence and I was so looking forward to it. Well, I just watched it. Lo and behold it has joined the ranks of shows that are offensive to trans people. Not even the fact that my favourite character will be around more makes me feel better.
I have three really sore, red pimples right now. -_-
Just saw my pre HRT pic ... I realised I sure let my control on my face go :'(
Quote from: Casey on January 07, 2013, 04:35:32 PM
I have three really sore, red pimples right now. -_-
Zits, it's because you're going through puberty again! ;D
One of the first emails I opened this morning was an announcement that my employer had been acquired by another company. Not a good start for a Monday.
Waking up to more spots, 25 and still having to deal with this acne crap >< Do they ever just go away :(
Quote from: Shantel on January 07, 2013, 05:06:51 PM
Zits, it's because you're going through puberty again! ;D
I know, but on the gel my skin was as near flawless as it's ever been. :( Injections, who new story. Oh well. The gel was a pain in the butt so I'll just see a doctor lol.
Quote from: Edge on January 07, 2013, 04:23:59 PM
Season 3 of a show I like finally started after a pretty long absence and I was so looking forward to it. Well, I just watched it. Lo and behold it has joined the ranks of shows that are offensive to trans people. Not even the fact that my favourite character will be around more makes me feel better.
What show may I ask?
I've been sinking further and further into apathy for months now and I don't know how to stop it. Used to be I'd go hiking or rollerskating or get time off from Leah and go do volunteer work in some new context. Since the last surgery though I haven't been able to hike or rollerskate and because of budget cuts my access to respite care has been cut in half. I don't want to use it for volunteer work.
Leah keeps putting boogers on walls in places she thinks we won't notice. When I ask her to bathe she runs the water and gets wet but doesn't wash and I'm not sure how okay it is to walk in on a naked teenager and show her for the umpteenth time how to clean herself. I don't even try to explain it anymore when my kid is smelly and talking to herself. It can't be fair to her that I so treasure the time she's asleep and my phone isn't ringing about incident reports and appointments. She didn't ask to be the way she is. Sometimes I wish she could stay as little as she acts. I worry about how this will go as we both age.
Quote from: Fat Admin on January 07, 2013, 09:40:59 PM
What show may I ask?
Lost Girl.
Added to that, my friend said "minorities sometimes read too much into things" when I told her that. Gee thanks for being invalidating and pushing one of my triggers for no good reason. (She hasn't seen the episode.)
Also, I had a bad dream about my sister last night. The sad thing is, she was just being herself. That's what made it bad.
And I got the pleasure of waking up and checking my facebook to find one of my friends swearing at me and calling me an idiot. Why do I deserve such treatment? Because I posted a thing on cinnamon and honey for colds. Wow.
The day care told me to come get my son because he "has a fever." My son is lethargic when he has a fever. He was literally bouncing when I picked him up. Am I the only one who sees a discrepancy here?
I ordered something online and sent to the wrong address. Oops, not so much unhappy as more of a dumb moment. Now I must wait longer for my books.
The conversations I've had over the past couple of days have really driven home how much of my life is run by fear. I let fear govern basically every decision I make, and it's made me feel truly unhappy with myself.
I'm scared to confront my family directly about the name and pronoun issue. But I have no reason to be. First of all, it's 99% likely that it won't affect my living situation. My parents don't agree with my transition, but, they seem to have come to realize that this is something I need to do. They've reluctantly accepted my HRT, and they will probably understand that I will need to stand my ground with certain family members regarding the name issue. They think it is a choice, but they know I will never change my mind. Second - let's take that 1% chance that it makes them freak out and I have to find alternative living arrangements - I have more than enough money saved, and I make enough money right now. If things hit the fan, I could handle myself and be just fine.
Do any of my other fears really matter? As long as I have a roof over my head, and I'm not getting beat, I'm really not afraid. Rejection would hurt, but not as much as the way I currently feel.
And then there's just other little things. I'm afraid to correct the students who misgender me (no one has, yet...but they will). I, and everyone else I work with, has always referred to me consistently as male, and yet people still see so much female that they call me "she" anyway. And I let it slide instead of saying "I'm not a she." Because I am afraid to lose my job. But again, irrational. Everyone I work with knows I am trans and has been incredibly supportive. They all use the right pronouns and more than one person in charge has told me if anyone EVER gives me crap, to tell them right away and they will "deal with it." Lol. Seriously though, I have so much support but that small fear leaves me hiding away in shame instead of just correcting someone.
If a service person calls me ma'am over and over, I just spend the rest of the day feeling terrible ("I still look like a woman and I will forever") instead of just telling the person "it's sir." What are they going to do? More than likely they will apologize because they deal with jerks all day and the last thing they need is to offend someone. And if worse comes to worse they'll probably just think "wtf, that person looks like a girl" but not say anything because they just want to get on with their job and go home. I've worked in customer service, I know how it is.
I've always wanted to run, even when I was thin and in great shape - but I've been scared so I never have. I've always wanted to take more trips alone, but no, too scared.
I was waiting for the bus today, after having a really nerve wracking day, and the thought just popped into my head...I truly do not care anymore. The way I feel right now, ruled and shamed by fear, is hell. Letting my fears win used to be comforting, and offered me safety, but now, it turns out all I did was create my own hell and I can't live here anymore.
As I face my fears it'll probably get a lot worse before it gets better, but meh. Anywhere's better than here. You know what the saddest part is? All in all, I have it made. I'm not homeless or poor. No one is trying to beat me up or kill me. The people I work with are 100% supportive, all the way - and it's actually a really great job. I also enjoy my master's program. I have friends I can talk to every night. Some aspects of my situation are so envy-worthy and I can't even enjoy the blessings I have because I'm paralyzed. Some aspects of my situation are rewards for a lot of time, effort, and work I put in, and I'm not even able to enjoy the fruits of my labour.
Quote from: Casey on January 08, 2013, 10:43:01 PM
The conversations I've had over the past couple of days have really driven home how much of my life is run by fear. I let fear govern basically every decision I make, and it's made me feel truly unhappy with myself.
I know it's crappy to face all this, but trust me, this is a really positive step. You can't move in the direction of improvement without seeing everything that needs to be improved. Seeing will lead to fixing.
Casey,
You and a lot of us go through this daily, so you're not alone! Fear is the big hammer used by world powers to keep lesser nations in line. The U.S. and the former Soviet Union kept the rest of the world in compliant submission for years playing the antagonist/protagonist card bludgeoning people and nations with the fear of annihilation. What goes on in our daily lives is really no different, but just on a lesser scale. Our fear then is the result of self perceived failure, each failure seeming like a small crushing death of the dream of who we are. Somewhere within each one of us there comes a time when we have to set our resolve to no longer allow this demon of fear to hold us in it's cruel bondage any longer.
An email went out to our customers announcing that the Company had been bought by another company. Our customers, mostly medical "professionals", are replying to this announcement with unbridled hostility and condescension.
And we in support get these things. I wish the reply address had been PR or marketing instead of support.
Somebody close to me was having a bad day yesterday and said some things to me that made me feel pretty much worthless even though I don't think she actually meant it. Now, not only did it affect me yesterday, but today I still feel depressed and it's going to probably continue for a while. I can't remember the last time I felt this way or cried because I felt sorry for myself and it makes me feel pathetic kinda.
It stinks that words have that much power. That they can pull all the happiness and hope I had for so long right out from under me. Words don't change reality, how can they change the way I see it?
Quote from: Jen on January 09, 2013, 12:37:04 PM
Somebody close to me was having a bad day yesterday and said some things to me that made me feel pretty much worthless even though I don't think she actually meant it. Now, not only did it affect me yesterday, but today I still feel depressed and it's going to probably continue for a while. I can't remember the last time I felt this way or cried because I felt sorry for myself and it makes me feel pathetic kinda.
It stinks that words have that much power. That they can pull all the happiness and hope I had for so long right out from under me. Words don't change reality, how can they change the way I see it?
Words have great power to make or break people. We in the U.S. don't seem to have a handle on just how much of what we say may do harm to others, crush their feelings and flatten their self esteem. That's why snarky attitudes and mean spirited comments get people banned from this web site.
Jen, one thing you can always do is consider the source and the probable intent of what was said. Often times it's a maturity level thing and the other person is unaware of how hurtful they may have come across to you. There are some who are so self-absorbed that we are just incidental beings who orbit around their planet "Me". Perhaps, this person was having a miserable moment and just took it out on you because you were handy and available to be dumped on. Do yourself a favor and consider the other person's motive and if they come up toxic then it's time to bulldoze them out of your life because you don't need to be treated poorly by anyone. Hope this helps hon!
Quote from: agfrommd on January 09, 2013, 07:02:28 AM
I know it's crappy to face all this, but trust me, this is a really positive step. You can't move in the direction of improvement without seeing everything that needs to be improved. Seeing will lead to fixing.
I think you're right on that one. Thinking about all of this has gotten me feeling pretty terrible, but it's usually in the moments where I feel the worst that the best things come. Hopefully realizing this will give me a push as well...over the last year I've had a few "lows" that last maybe a few days, and I try to do something about it but in some way or another I get cut short.
Quote from: Shantel on January 09, 2013, 09:46:09 AM
Our fear then is the result of self perceived failure, each failure seeming like a small crushing death of the dream of who we are. Somewhere within each one of us there comes a time when we have to set our resolve to no longer allow this demon of fear to hold us in it's cruel bondage any longer.
That's really true...and I do agree, I think that we really do live in a world where we try to make people fearful, on large and small scales.
Although I have noticed that I am very quickly working past the fear in my mind, actually. I went from "people are going to laugh in my face", to "it's scary but people's crap couldn't feel as bad as this crippling fear", to "maybe it's not such a big deal." I've been reading up on the internet, and it seems a LOT of cispeople are frequently misgendered. And while it bothers and sometimes frightens them, they simply correct people.
I'm pretty much willing to bet anything I'll be misgendered in the next couple of hours, so we'll see how it goes. -_- I'm going to Walmart to get a 3DS (new Pokemon game in October requires it), and then probably grab some lunch. You know what thought does make me smile? At some point, I'm going to be out with my family and I'll be called "ma'am"...and I will correct that person and tell them I'm a guy. That will feel soooo good lol.
Quote from: Shantel on January 09, 2013, 02:50:11 PM
Perhaps, this person was having a miserable moment and just took it out on you because you were handy and available to be dumped on. Do yourself a favor and consider the other person's motive and if they come up toxic then it's time to bulldoze them out of your life because you don't need to be treated poorly by anyone. Hope this helps hon!
I actually know this was exactly the case and I'm not mad at them or anything. She is normally a very supportive person in my life. The problem is that those words were said, they still carried their meaning regardless of the circumstances that precipitated them being said, and now I feel this way because of them. That is the thing that frustrates me, the power words have to warp your perception of reality even though nothing actually changed, and just that I feel this way- that's frustrating too.
Quote from: Jen on January 09, 2013, 03:56:16 PM
I actually know this was exactly the case and I'm not mad at them or anything. She is normally a very supportive person in my life. The problem is that those words were said, they still carried their meaning regardless of the circumstances that precipitated them being said, and now I feel this way because of them. That is the thing that frustrates me, the power words have to warp your perception of reality even though nothing actually changed, and just that I feel this way- that's frustrating too.
Well from having read a few of your posts and seeing your photos I get the feeling that you are a very sweet girl and don't deserve whatever was said. Let me encourage you to try and change the tape that's being replayed in your head and focus on something more positive and uplifting, it makes no sense to allow yourself to go into a depressed state over something that an hour from now could be gone and forgotten.
I feel better now :). Idk why...
Quote from: Jen on January 09, 2013, 06:57:10 PM
I feel better now :). Idk why...
Perhaps its because you have friends
here that have nothing but positive and uplifting input to offer you as if we're all extended family members looking out for a younger sister.
Okay, so what made me unhappy today?
This may seem stupid to some people, but I am just beginning transition MTF and I have been growing my scalp hair out for about seven months and it is at an awkward stage where it is not long enough for a pony tail, and too long to look good. It flips out at the collar, and around my ears.
The trouble is I work in a pretty conservative industry in technical sales, so it isn't that my company is going to say anything, but I feel like my conservative customers think I look like a freak, and they are not obligated to do business with me. Customers do business with people they like and that they feel comfortable with.
I really need to get a new job out of sales, but this has always paid pretty well.
I know it probably sounds stupid, but some customer meetings today felt really awkward.
My girl friend broke up with me
I just took some pics and realized how ugly I am. It's not like I didn't know it before... but one can hope as longas they don't see the evidence.
Quote from: Shantel on January 09, 2013, 07:36:06 PM
Perhaps its because you have friends here that have nothing but positive and uplifting input to offer you as if we're all extended family members looking out for a younger sister.
Not that young lol, but thank you :). I have learned from this experience that I have picked up some major emotional resiliency that I did NOT use to have over the past few years. I'm very happy about that. :)
Quote from: Fat Admin on January 10, 2013, 12:07:43 AM
I just took some pics and realized how ugly I am. It's not like I didn't know it before... but one can hope as longas they don't see the evidence.
I really hope you will learn how to be nicer to yourself. I don't think you see yourself the way the rest of the world does. I know I don't see myself correctly.
Throat irritation
Quote from: Fat Admin on January 10, 2013, 12:07:43 AM
I just took some pics and realized how ugly I am. It's not like I didn't know it before... but one can hope as long as they don't see the evidence.
Let me be blunt, and give Cindy something to do ...
BULLPOOP!!
Quote from: Pleasingly Plump Jamie D on January 10, 2013, 05:14:31 AM
Quote from: Fat Admin on January 10, 2013, 12:07:43 AM
I just took some pics and realized how ugly I am. It's not like I didn't know it before... but one can hope as long as they don't see the evidence.
Let me be blunt, and give Cindy something to do ...
BULLPOOP!!
Jamie and Jen are too kind. :laugh:
Quote from: Fat Admin on January 10, 2013, 05:32:00 AM
Let me be blunt, and give Cindy something to do ...
BULLPOOP!!
Jamie and Jen are too kind. :laugh:
I have told this first class idiot that he looks really good in those pics. I have seen them. He knows damn bloody well that he is my friend and I will not lie to him. If he was ugly I would tell him.
He has a very happy friendly open loving face that makes you want to talk to him.
He is a big guy but a good looking big guy. AND NERO YOU AREN'T FAT.
If you continue with those negative bull->-bleeped-<- thoughts I will brand you with a negative comment.
Geex some guys don't get it.
YOU ARE A GOOD LOOKING GUY.
There you go Nero, you can't argue with the consensus of many who see you as the cool guy you really are!
Quote from: Fat Admin on January 10, 2013, 12:07:43 AM
I just took some pics and realized how ugly I am. It's not like I didn't know it before... but one can hope as longas they don't see the evidence.
Nero, I'm not going to go the route of the others and tell you you're not ugly (since I haven't actually seen pictures of you).
Instead, I'll encourage you not to try to evaluate your looks. Looks are superficial, and have zero to do with worth as a human being. This is one of the advantages of being male - in most circles plain looks are not any kind of a handicap. We judge males by their competence and their contributions.
There is not a lot of good that's going to come out of trying to figure out whether you look ugly or not.
Quote from: Fat Admin on January 10, 2013, 12:07:43 AM
I just took some pics and realized how ugly I am. It's not like I didn't know it before... but one can hope as longas they don't see the evidence.
It's been a while since I've seen a pic of you (I think you had one as an avatar some time ago).
If you still look anything similar to that image, you're far from ugly. But I'll tell you what, PM me a pic and I'll let you know. ;)
I'd like to see Nero's pictures also :)
Right now I'm just trying to cope with the various issues that often get me down and not doing real well with it but don't want to sound like a broken record or be a downer on others :-\
Quote from: V M on January 10, 2013, 11:46:00 AM
I'd like to see Nero's pictures also :)
Right now I'm just trying to cope with the various issues that often get me down and not doing real well with it but don't want to sound like a broken record or be a downer on others :-\
I'll send you the video version. You might want to prepare a stiff drink first.
And i'll listen to your broken record.
Quote from: Jen on January 09, 2013, 12:37:04 PM
Somebody close to me was having a bad day yesterday and said some things to me that made me feel pretty much worthless even though I don't think she actually meant it. Now, not only did it affect me yesterday, but today I still feel depressed and it's going to probably continue for a while. I can't remember the last time I felt this way or cried because I felt sorry for myself and it makes me feel pathetic kinda.
It stinks that words have that much power. That they can pull all the happiness and hope I had for so long right out from under me. Words don't change reality, how can they change the way I see it?
Until recently I had exactly two friends* who would visit me at my house. My roommate came home angry the other day after paying money to watch a Blazers v Lakers game that went badly. He was super snippy with me and told me my friend was sketchy and annoying and shouldn't be here. My roommate has calmed down since but I've not had my friend back and I'm afraid to let anybody else visit.
People can do serious damage with words when they're angry.
*the other friend was new to me and stopped visiting after we had an uncomfortable discussion following his mention of the "negress" who lives next door. His comments - when I gently pointed out that I was raised around black people and would prefer not to stigmatize them - included "now that they have a president they think they can do whatever they want." After that night we stopped hanging out and I'm okay with that. Isolation is better than being around mean people.
That's a bit of a digression and dragging the attention back to me but really it's okay to not enjoy other people's behavior sometimes.
Quote from: Felix on January 11, 2013, 08:28:41 AM
"now that they have a president they think they can do whatever they want."
Heh, just like white people did for the 219 years between 1789 and 2008!
With a sore throat coming up on me during the night and now more symptoms showing up, I think I'm going to spend my couple days off sick. That sucks. And also seeing the direction that topic went in, its kind of disappointing, especially since I don't think they even realize that they are acting like those that put them down, not a good way to boost one's self confidence in my opinion.
Quote from: Jaime on January 11, 2013, 01:14:43 PM
With a sore throat coming up on me during the night and now more symptoms showing up, I think I'm going to spend my couple days off sick. That sucks. And also seeing the direction that topic went in, its kind of disappointing, especially since I don't think they even realize that they are acting like those that put them down, not a good way to boost one's self confidence in my opinion.
Which topic, hon?
Sorry to hear about your throat. Do you use that throat spray?
I just called to explain to a bill collector that they had my name wrong, they had the college I went to wrong, and also that my loans are supposed to be in deferment. I had spoken to a dept of education person recently who explained that they thought I was ineligible for deferment because I attended college in 1992, which is silly as I was born in 1981. They said they fixed it though.
The guy on the phone was mean and really nasty to me about my name change and really nasty about how much money I make and why am I not paying. I don't owe them anything because my loans are in deferment.
I'm a wuss and I'm falling apart now. I feel worthless. I hate people. I hate everything.
I will say that the dept of ed people were really nice. They made a simple mistake.
Quote from: Lee on January 10, 2013, 12:02:42 AM
My girl friend broke up with me
That sucks. *hug*
I've got a cough, and Uni is due to start back on Monday. :(
I wish I didn't let people affect me so much. I'm still very angry at this one even though a week has passed.
I just hate this life right now. Or the lack of a life and a correct body, more likely. I know I'm probably just very tired and all and "just need to pull myself together" etc but... I just feel horrible and keep thinking why did I of all people have to experience this. I literally keep thinking that the day I need to tell my parents about this could very likely be the day when they don't want to see me ever anymore, and I'm just horrified.
On the bright side, this too shall pass. I haven't felt this bad for about a month, after all. ::) Tomorrow will bring light and more courage and optimism. (It would be nice to be less melodramatic with this, too. I'd love to be able to chill and not stress but obviously I can't. :()
I shaved and I really don't like how it looks.
Hugs to everyone who's having a hard time.
Insurance turned down my latest two claims from my therapist saying he's not in network.
This after they told me many times over the phone that he WAS in network and eventually approving an earlier claim (after initially turning it down for the same reason).
I'm not looking forward to the marathon phone session I'm going to have with them.
Power outage early this morning :P I'm able to bundle up, but I was worried for my pet iguana getting too cold without her heat lamp on and it feels kinda surrealistic to be going about with flashlights and such to check on everything :P
Also, it's kind of a pain in the butt to have to reset clocks and timers when they finally do get the power back on :P
@ VM:
I hope the iguana is fine! :D
and....everything is upsetting me. I'm crying at the drop of a hat, I swear.
Quote from: Arawn Gabriel on January 14, 2013, 07:41:48 PM
and....everything is upsetting me. I'm crying at the drop of a hat, I swear.
*hugs* It happens. :(
Quote from: Phoeniks on January 12, 2013, 05:03:28 PM
I just hate this life right now. Or the lack of a life and a correct body, more likely. I know I'm probably just very tired and all and "just need to pull myself together" etc but... I just feel horrible and keep thinking why did I of all people have to experience this. I literally keep thinking that the day I need to tell my parents about this could very likely be the day when they don't want to see me ever anymore, and I'm just horrified.
On the bright side, this too shall pass. I haven't felt this bad for about a month, after all. ::) Tomorrow will bring light and more courage and optimism. (It would be nice to be less melodramatic with this, too. I'd love to be able to chill and not stress but obviously I can't. :()
:( hugs <3
Quote from: Arawn Gabriel on January 14, 2013, 07:41:48 PM
@ VM:
I hope the iguana is fine! :D
and....everything is upsetting me. I'm crying at the drop of a hat, I swear.
The iguana is doing fine now :) I'll make sure not to drop my hat
Hugs
Quote from: V M on January 14, 2013, 08:19:20 PM
The iguana is doing fine now :) I'll make sure not to drop my hat
Hugs
Yay! :D How old is he? [I love iguanas and would love to have one.]
-hugs- :3
Not sure how old she is, but I've had her for about 7- 8 years
Okay this is all gonna sound very self pitying and stuff, I know my problems pale in comparison to some but I need a vent and this seems like the thread to do it in.
I passed the first bit of my year but since then I've been slipping back into negative thought patterns, skipping classes to avoid people and now I've got something due at the end of the week I haven't got a hope of completing :( and when I reflect on it I have only myself to blame too. I was on a bit of a high this weekend as I finally came out about my trans feelings to a friend of mine, she was great about it, but unfortunately lives quite far away and now I'm back to a student house full of people I can't tell, feeling like I'm going to dip back into depression and flunk out again, this is my last shot and I have no idea what the future holds if I let it take over and fail again, but it's not good. Mostly just feeling lonely as hell right now, wish I could get to sleep.
Try to push through to get out of school, Hazel. If you flunk out, you'll only be more depressed than when you started. Positive change will come soon enough. You just have to wait.
Quote from: hazel on January 14, 2013, 09:11:38 PM
Okay this is all gonna sound very self pitying and stuff, I know my problems pale in comparison to some but I need a vent and this seems like the thread to do it in.
I passed the first bit of my year but since then I've been slipping back into negative thought patterns, skipping classes to avoid people and now I've got something due at the end of the week I haven't got a hope of completing :( and when I reflect on it I have only myself to blame too. I was on a bit of a high this weekend as I finally came out about my trans feelings to a friend of mine, she was great about it, but unfortunately lives quite far away and now I'm back to a student house full of people I can't tell, feeling like I'm going to dip back into depression and flunk out again, this is my last shot and I have no idea what the future holds if I let it take over and fail again, but it's not good. Mostly just feeling lonely as hell right now, wish I could get to sleep.
Good things are to come and you're making progress toward them. Hopefully that can bolster you enough to get through those aspects of your life which continue to be difficult, well that along with the knowledge that even those things will be fixed down the line because you will continue making progress.
The thing that made me unhappy today doesn't carry quite the weight that some things do, but it has just been the scornful, malicious, SPITEFUL freezing cold air outside. I am a Florida girl and I am NOT made for this!
What makes me sad ever day is remembering I want to be a guy. I dont go a day without thing of it, but I dont always take it so well some of the times.
I must remain positive thought. I keep reminding myself that the pain will not last forever (or at least not so deep), but then I remember my pain!
I used to give myself headaches because of it. :(
Thanks Diana, Jen. Hopefully you're right and this is just temporary, I had this happen a couple of years ago , became very isolated/depressed and really screwed things up for myself as a result. Tonight it feels like I'm letting things head in that direction again and I'm just panicking a bit, well venting on here helps anyhow.
Just found out my daughter's rapist is getting paroled a few years early. I hate people. It's not like she got better or like he's going to stop going after children. Absolutely nothing changed. The criminal justice system is pointless.
Quote from: Felix on January 15, 2013, 01:29:20 PM
Just found out my daughter's rapist is getting paroled a few years early. I hate people. It's not like she got better or like he's going to stop going after children. Absolutely nothing changed. The criminal justice system is pointless.
It's broken! The local police Chief told me that sexual predators will most likely always re-offend.
Yeah, people like that can't be changed. I say make it a capital offense, put it into practice and that would solve the problem for sure.
I've been trusting things my partner tells me for years, usually to no real avail...yet I continue to place hope in his word. Today I got a reply from my FFS surgeon, when I talked to my partner, whom said three months ago "I will get you FFS by March and SRS by September" and has reiterated this point several times since, his response was "well, I think were going to put it off until at least the end of the summer now, I just don't think this is the right time financially" (this is someone who drives an 80k suv and makes over 200k yearly. I feel like he is dragging it out for some unknown reason and am wondering more and more if I can really rely on what he tells me or if he still wants to be married to the old me and will drag this out indefinitely.
Also, one I haven't really wrapped my mind around yet, an old friend (she was like a second grandmother to me but we have not talked since I began my transition.) took her own life out of depression yesterday. I have experienced a lot of death in my life but this one is taking a bit more to deal with...it doesn't seem real yet.
Quote from: Gen88 on January 15, 2013, 02:10:39 PM
I've been trusting things my partner tells me for years, usually to no real avail...yet I continue to place hope in his word. Today I got a reply from my FFS surgeon, when I talked to my partner, whom said three months ago "I will get you FFS by March and SRS by September" and has reiterated this point several times since, his response was "well, I think were going to put it off until at least the end of the summer now, I just don't think this is the right time financially" (this is someone who drives an 80k suv and makes over 200k yearly. I feel like he is dragging it out for some unknown reason and am wondering more and more if I can really rely on what he tells me or if he still wants to be married to the old me and will drag this out indefinitely.
Not my business hon, but it's my leaned and experienced opinion that he's playing you, especially if he's already getting everything on the farm because it leaves you with no leverage. Observed it so many times happening to naive, trusting women with commitment phobic men! Benefits should be conditional, hope it's not too late for you, time for a confrontational discussion with as little drama as possible.
Quote from: Gen88 on January 15, 2013, 02:10:39 PM
Also, one I haven't really wrapped my mind around yet, an old friend (she was like a second grandmother to me but we have not talked since I began my transition.) took her own life out of depression yesterday. I have experienced a lot of death in my life but this one is taking a bit more to deal with...it doesn't seem real yet.
(((Hugs)))
I'm sorry to hear about that, Gen88. =( -hugs-
___
What made me unhappy:
I'm a bitter, bitter man. Two people I know and like got engaged. I should be happy, which I am, but at the same time all I can think is "->-bleeped-<-, man, I want that." Followed promptly by me hating my life and my being terrified of coming out because I'm currently relying on my parents and I have no resources to live on my own and may not for several months if the job market doesn't pick up. And staying like this is killing me a little on the inside every single day, but I don't come out to my parents or family still.
Not like I could right now. They're in Hawai'i since my dad had to go TDY there. And that's another thing. They're going to bring up the whole "you can't ruin your dad's career!" when I come out. They said that to me when they found out I was dating a girl back in high school.
I'm 24, goddammit.
Thank you Arwan and Shantel
Shantel - We were married as a gay couple for 5 years, and unfortunately the mix of his drinking/anger plus my transition caused me to move back to my hometown and break up with him. fast forward 6 months and im trying to give him a chance to show me his professed "changes", but to be honest, im not seeing alot of them yet...
BTW, Thank you both for the hugs, I really need them today...im trying to bury myself in my two jobs and not think about anything right now.
Quote from: Gen88 on January 15, 2013, 05:01:39 PM
Thank you Arwan and Shantel
Shantel - We were married as a gay couple for 5 years, and unfortunately the mix of his drinking/anger plus my transition caused me to move back to my hometown and break up with him. fast forward 6 months and im trying to give him a chance to show me his professed "changes", but to be honest, im not seeing alot of them yet...
BTW, Thank you both for the hugs, I really need them today...im trying to bury myself in my two jobs and not think about anything right now.
Hang in there sweetie!
One of my PS3 duel triggers is messed up so it keeps falling off during gameplay. This has made me unhappy.
Quote from: Malachite on January 15, 2013, 10:02:14 PM
One of my PS3 duel triggers is messed up so it keeps falling off during gameplay. This has made me unhappy.
I'm clearly not really enjoying my free time and I'm considering saving up and getting one of those home video game systems. I saw a video of one of the shooting games and I couldn't handle the type with realistic violence but OMG the graphics have improved so much in the years I didn't play (not counting my kid's DS which lol I'm still pretty impressed with).
What made me unhappy today is my kid got suspended from school. They wanted me to come get her and I told them it would be about an hour and they said they'd rather bring her home in a van than wait for me to take 3 buses to get to them. Had a lot of round and round on the phone trying to arrange an evaluation for her so we can fulfill all the legal requirements for the meetings and stuff. Urg.
The urge to use obscenities with some of the inconsiderate people at my apt.s and throw their laundry in the rubbish
Don't worry, I held my tongue... But as soon as I can buy ink and paper for my printer I'm going to post a message in the laundry room about the fact that there are several other people who live here and need to use the laundry and if they could please monitor their laundry in a timely mannor
Quote from: Felix on January 16, 2013, 05:15:15 PM
What made me unhappy today is my kid got suspended from school. They wanted me to come get her and I told them it would be about an hour and they said they'd rather bring her home in a van than wait for me to take 3 buses to get to them. Had a lot of round and round on the phone trying to arrange an evaluation for her so we can fulfill all the legal requirements for the meetings and stuff. Urg.
Definition - Growing Pains: The kids do the growing, the parents suffer the pains!
I'm really anxious and self-conscious about teaching tomorrow. :(
Quote from: Caleb. on January 17, 2013, 06:53:55 PM
I'm really anxious and self-conscious about teaching tomorrow. :(
You'll do fine, just remember that you're the teacher and they are there to hopefully absorb a few things that you have to offer them. When I used to get intimidated by a leadership position I had to remember that they put their pants on one leg at a time just like I did.
I questioned a friend's facebook gender because I mistook her for another friend on there with almost the same name, who's male. In my defence, it was on a tiny screen, and their new profile pix look very similar at that size. But I'm still mortified and hope she can see the funny side (but this makes me cringe over and over).
Quote from: Padma on January 17, 2013, 07:05:35 PM
I questioned a friend's facebook gender because I mistook her for another friend on there with almost the same name, who's male. In my defence, it was on a tiny screen, and their new profile pix look very similar at that size. But I'm still mortified and hope she can see the funny side (but this makes me cringe over and over).
It's always a pleasure to realize that I'm not the only one with a foot shaped mouth! lol ;D
I made a new friend. He keeps talking about sex (awkward) and he called me cute. I have no wish to be cute. Quite the opposite, in fact.
Also, I heard back from the person Iw as directed to for information on which bathroom I can use. They offered, "I am pretty sure I have a list of all washrooms on campus indicating male female and common I can certainly send that to on Monday!" Great, but that doesn't tell me which ones I can use.
love
Being all stuffy in the head all day at work. My snoot is sore from all the blowing.
I did something really stupid and immature.
Started to not feel well last night (tired and grumpy) so I went to bed :-\ Sure enough, woke up sick today :P
My mother and grandmother keep discussing ways to 'make me pretty' because they hate my male haircut.
Quote from: V M on January 20, 2013, 04:29:53 PM
Started to not feel well last night (tired and grumpy) so I went to bed :-\ Sure enough, woke up sick today :P
Hope you feel better soon!
Ugh, went out to roleplaying tonight because I thought it would help my cabin fever. While it was good to get back into it, I was definitely not yet well enough to do it. Between the cold air and talking, my throat and lungs are very unhappy with me.
Quote from: Liam Erik on January 20, 2013, 07:08:19 PM
My new community college classes start this week, and I am deeply unhappy about it. I hate classes. I hate people. I hate classes. I absolutely hate classes. Yeah, I did get myself into this, and I'm going to make the best of it. I do wish no one would mention it to me again, possibly ever.
In my family and acquaintances, that is. Feel free to talk me off the ledge. :icon_zombie:
Remember, people are sheep. That especially includes college students and their instructors. You love sheep don't you? You'll do fine! *hugs*
Trying to sort out health insurance. Seems a total lottery as to whether or not ANYTHING will be covered by any policy I might be able to afford.
Reading about some of the ridiculous ways people's trans status has been used to deny coverage has made me so depressed :(
Quote from: Rowan Rue on January 20, 2013, 09:39:00 PM
Trying to sort out health insurance. Seems a total lottery as to whether or not ANYTHING will be covered by any policy I might be able to afford.
Reading about some of the ridiculous ways people's trans status has been used to deny coverage has made me so depressed :(
I think Cigna Insurance Company has some coverages for TG folks, I'm not sure to what extent. Having been a claims adjuster I can assure you that they will no doubt have a number of exclusions.
Quote from: Shantel on January 20, 2013, 09:47:55 PM
I think Cigna Insurance Company has some coverages for TG folks, I'm not sure to what extent. Having been a claims adjuster I can assure you that they will no doubt have a number of exclusions.
Hmm, the office manager of the doctor I'm seeing said they'd found Cigna to be one of the more difficult providers to work with.
Can't afford to keep paying everything up front but there doesn't seem to be any way to tell if getting insurance won't just cost me MORE without just rolling the dice.
Grrrr.
Quote from: Rowan Rue on January 20, 2013, 10:05:12 PM
Hmm, the office manager of the doctor I'm seeing said they'd found Cigna to be one of the more difficult providers to work with.
Can't afford to keep paying everything up front but there doesn't seem to be any way to tell if getting insurance won't just cost me MORE without just rolling the dice.
Grrrr.
If you are thinking in terms of SRS and other typically TG medical procedures down the road, just start saving up the big bucks!
Quote from: Shantel on January 20, 2013, 10:14:48 PM
If you are thinking in terms of SRS and other typically TG medical procedures down the road, just start saving up the big bucks!
No, aside from monitoring my hormone levels, I'm just looking for regular health care. I've always assumed SRS/FFS will be out of pocket.
Quote from: Rowan Rue on January 20, 2013, 10:32:33 PM
No, aside from monitoring my hormone levels, I'm just looking for regular health care. I've always assumed SRS/FFS will be out of pocket.
Oh gotcha! New Federal healthcare program kicks in soon, not so sure about it, we'll see what comes of that!
Quote from: Shantel on January 21, 2013, 08:21:10 AM
Oh gotcha! New Federal healthcare program kicks in soon, not so sure about it, we'll see what comes of that!
Its just mandated health care, but wont change our situation. If you don't have health care by 2014 you will be penalized. If you have children that are uninsured you will be penalized per child as well.
Quote from: MadelineB on January 20, 2013, 09:30:19 PM
Remember, people are sheep. That especially includes college students and their instructors. You love sheep don't you? You'll do fine! *hugs*
Sheep are fluffy! ;D
Seeing this health insurance stuff is making me very glad to live in the UK. You lot have to go through so much crap.
My own clumsiness ::) While getting ready to make coffee this morning I dropped the bag of coffee beans :P LOL... I guess you could say I spilled the beans ::)
So anyway, just sweep the spilled beans up and throw them out? No way!!! Have you seen the price of coffee these days!?!?! I picked each one up and check them for any dust etc. :P
Quote from: V M on January 21, 2013, 01:10:44 PM
My own clumsiness ::) While getting ready to make coffee this morning I dropped the bag of coffee beans :P LOL... I guess you could say I spilled the beans ::)
So anyway, just sweep the spilled beans up and throw them out? No way!!! Have you seen the price of coffee these days!?!?! I picked each one up and check them for any dust etc. :P
Maybe dust will add to the flavour... :-\ :laugh:
I've been scouring the net and reading up on some of the long-term risks of binding. Seems like even when it is done safely, you can still have problems in the long run.
I seem to remember when I was thin, I didn't need to bind all that often. with the fat changes in my chest on T, I bet I'd need it even less. Seems the excuses are running out, lol.
Not really unhappy, just pissed off.
My supervisor at work likes to bounce me around a bit too much. Seriously, there are two other painters - last year students from my old school in fact - and they know how to do the puny simple tasks he's making me do while I have much more important things to do... "Do this, go do that" yada-yada-yada.
And while I appreciate help with my work, I sometimes just can't stand other people butting into the things I'm doing, especially when they have no idea what they're doing. Try to explain why the ceiling can't be painted yet to a man who speaks Russian and very bad Finnish.
Ugh, I'm just stressed as hell because of work at the moment.
Bad journalism on Pinknews - reporting on Peter Tatchell who's suggesting a lowering of the general age of consent in the UK from 16 to 14, since the average age kids are starting to have sex is 14, and: "This means that more than half of all teenagers – straight and LGBT – are criminalised."
I'm not commenting on his proposal, just the dodgy writing there that in throwing around LGBT with such abandon, negates the many trans people who are straight. I wrote to them to point this out - they'd be better off simply saying "straight or otherwise".
Waiting to hear from a good friend having a hard time coping with her relationship ending, and when she finally called, not being able to hear the mobile over the traffic noise. Finally have a call from her and I miss it. :(
Quote from: justmeinoz on January 22, 2013, 04:18:58 AM
Waiting to hear from a good friend having a hard time coping with her relationship ending, and when she finally called, not being able to hear the mobile over the traffic noise. Finally have a call from her and I miss it. :(
Another of life's irritating moments! It's either loud background noise or obnoxious people that ruin those important cell phone calls.
More problems with family. This time I think its irreparable. I guess its been irreparable since the beginning of my transition. :/
On top of that, I also realized I might have made a really stupid mistake and lost a great friend. :'( Hurting...
Quote from: blue.ocean.girl on January 22, 2013, 09:21:04 AM
More problems with family. This time I think its irreparable. I guess its been irreparable since the beginning of my transition. :/
On top of that, I also realized I might have made a really stupid mistake and lost a great friend. :'( Hurting...
((((HUGS))))) we can all relate, keep your chin up dear!
Quote from: blue.ocean.girl on January 22, 2013, 09:21:04 AM
More problems with family. This time I think its irreparable. I guess its been irreparable since the beginning of my transition. :/
On top of that, I also realized I might have made a really stupid mistake and lost a great friend. :'( Hurting...
I'm sorry to hear that :(. *big hug*
I want curly hair and i curled my hair for two days and i looked ugly, i guess i'm ugly wth straight hair.
My dysphoria is getting worse.
I was told I have to use the unisex bathrooms at university and not the male ones. (I asked.) Also, I had asked where the unisex bathrooms were in September. It took them until this monday for someone to tell me. (I'm not counting the one bathroom in the building I rarely have cause to go to that is nowhere near my classes.)
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on January 22, 2013, 04:55:44 PM
I'm sorry to hear that :(. *big hug*
Quote from: Shantel on January 22, 2013, 09:28:55 AM
((((HUGS))))) we can all relate, keep your chin up dear!
Thank you. I needed those hugs. :)
I've only had 7 - 8 hrs sleep in the last 2 days due to a combination of my insomnia & ridiculously loud music from next door.
I'm in a hostel at the moment & the wardens have told me that there's nothing much they can do apart from politely asking him to turn it down at 2 am at which point he'll turn it down for a few minutes then back up so it goes even louder than before I complained.
All the police tell me to do is to keep a record & go to the council about noise pollution but by the time action is taken I should be re-homed.
The worst part is that this has been dragging on for 2 months & he only owns 3 CD's, 1 is (c)rap music, 1 is dance &v the other is James Blunt, I know every word to the last one as it gets played several times every day (the record so far is 8 times in 24hrs!!)
I feel like a teenager for no good reason. I heard a song that reminded me of the guy I was dating a decade ago, and when I took my T there was a drop of blood and it was intriguing and made me want to cut again, and I want to crawl into bed with my roommate (who was my boyfriend for a couple years a couple years ago) even though I don't think he'd be cool with that, and really I feel just spinny and stupid and crazy.
Pah. I shouldn't be up this late. My cat has the right idea. He's been asleep for at least an hour. I should emulate him and just eat and sleep and bathe. Cats never worry about old boyfriends. asdkfj->-bleeped-<-ajakak. :icon_google:
Quote from: Jayne on January 23, 2013, 05:34:04 AM
I've only had 7 - 8 hrs sleep in the last 2 days due to a combination of my insomnia & ridiculously loud music from next door.
I'm in a hostel at the moment & the wardens have told me that there's nothing much they can do apart from politely asking him to turn it down at 2 am at which point he'll turn it down for a few minutes then back up so it goes even louder than before I complained.
All the police tell me to do is to keep a record & go to the council about noise pollution but by the time action is taken I should be re-homed.
The worst part is that this has been dragging on for 2 months & he only owns 3 CD's, 1 is (c)rap music, 1 is dance &v the other is James Blunt, I know every word to the last one as it gets played several times every day (the record so far is 8 times in 24hrs!!)
Buy him a cd you like and give it as a gift.
Quote from: blue.ocean.girl on January 22, 2013, 09:21:04 AM
More problems with family. This time I think its irreparable. I guess its been irreparable since the beginning of my transition. :/
On top of that, I also realized I might have made a really stupid mistake and lost a great friend. :'( Hurting...
Never say never, Laura. Even the widest chasms can be bridged in time.
Caffeine. I drank a bunch of pop a few hours ago and now stand no chance of sleeping. It's 7:30 AM for christ's sake. This is the second time this week. I hate trying to sneak in naps during the day too like I am doing something wrong.
Quote from: DonnaTroy on January 22, 2013, 05:10:56 PM
I want curly hair and i curled my hair for two days and i looked ugly, i guess i'm ugly wth straight hair.
*sigh* I'm not even going to comment on this except to say you're going about this all wrong. Enjoy your beauty while it lasts. When you're 40, you'll be looking back and kicking yourself for wasting your youth on this looks obsession. You're beautiful no matter how your hair is done. Recognize and appreciate your looks now while you have them. Enjoy the attention. Go strut in front of your mirror a million times. I'm dead serious.
My computer is slowly dying. First the wireless went out, then it stopped hibernating properly, then it stopped recognizing USB devices, so I can't sync my iPod. When/if I get a new one, I don't know how I'll manage to get my stuff off it onto a new machine. Hopefully it keeps working long enough for me to Dropbox everything 2GB at a time. Sigh.
I've been borrowing my mom's iPad for interneting, but it doesn't have my IM apps, so I haven't been talking to my internet friends. I wonder how Caleb is doing.
And to top it off, I stumbled out of bed this morning and into the bathroom only to step in poop. I have no idea where it came from. It may have been the dogs, but the door was securely closed. So I cleaned it up, but it still smells like poop. I'm putting off my shower until the smell dissipates.
Quote from: Cain on January 23, 2013, 12:33:45 PM
My computer is slowly dying. First the wireless went out, then it stopped hibernating properly, then it stopped recognizing USB devices, so I can't sync my iPod. When/if I get a new one, I don't know how I'll manage to get my stuff off it onto a new machine. Hopefully it keeps working long enough for me to Dropbox everything 2GB at a time. Sigh.
There are a lot of companies out there that will transfer your data from your old HD to the new one for a relatively cheap price.
Well it was actually last Friday. I texted my wife to invite her to join me for brunch at a local deli the following Saturday morning. We've been separated since the week after Thanksgiving, a couple weeks after I told her I was going to transition. I hadn't seen her in a few weeks, since she and I had done the same thing with our son right before he went back to college for the new term.
She replied that "I am not enjoying spending time with you. I am glad your life is heading in a direction that makes you so happy but I find it difficult to see you. Sorry."
I responded by saying: "Okay. I'm sorry too. This is hard for me too. It isn't so much a matter of happiness, as of survival. Be well."
It seems the happier I become about transition, the more it makes her unhappy. Mind you, I am still presenting male in public, so it isn't that I would embarrass her visually at this point. I was really hoping that once we were no longer making each other miserable by trying to live together, we could find the space to be better friends. We still shared 30 years of marriage and raised to sons together. I still care for her, I just cannot continue to pretend to be the person she thought she married. I hope the day will come when she will still want to be friends, even after I am full time, but maybe that won't happen. Kind of sad.
Quote from: Cain on January 23, 2013, 12:33:45 PM
I wonder how Caleb is doing.
*waves* hiiiii. ;D I'm glad you're OK.
Quote from: Cain on January 23, 2013, 12:33:45 PM
And to top it off, I stumbled out of bed this morning and into the bathroom only to step in poop. I have no idea where it came from. It may have been the dogs, but the door was securely closed. So I cleaned it up, but it still smells like poop. I'm putting off my shower until the smell dissipates.
That just has me imagining that it was a person, hahaha.
Quote from: Liam Erik on January 23, 2013, 02:32:08 PM
I was doing so well and suddenly I sound like a big bag of loose screws. :eusa_doh:
*hugs* Happens to the best of us, lol. I feel you though. I get overstimulated a lot and sometimes it can just make me feel absolutely insane.
I wish I had something more useful to say but I have to go. :( You can always shoot me a PM though if you need to chat/vent/whatever.
Sometimes I feel like my mom loves my brother more than me.
Quote from: Malachite on January 23, 2013, 05:36:21 PM
Sometimes I feel like my mom loves my brother more than me.
That reminds me of the Smothers Brothers, before your time Malachite, Tom Smothers said, "Mom always loved you best" Don't let it get you down, parents love their kids, sometimes they show favoritism, but oh well!
Quote from: Shantel on January 23, 2013, 06:30:21 PM
That reminds me of the Smothers Brothers, before your time Malachite, Tom Smothers said, "Mom always loved you best" Don't let it get you down, parents love their kids, sometimes they show favoritism, but oh well!
She tends to show him a lot more favoritism than me even if she doesn't realizes it which sucks. I envy him.
Quote from: Malachite on January 23, 2013, 08:45:55 PM
She tends to show him a lot more favoritism than me even if she doesn't realizes it which sucks. I envy him.
Why don't you respectfully confront her with your feelings about that and ask her what it's all about?
Quote from: Shantel on January 23, 2013, 09:10:17 PM
Why don't you respectfully confront her with your feelings about that and ask her what it's all about?
I have several times but she just blows me off. It doesn't help that she drinks a lot either. She tends to direct her anger towards me more often.
Quote from: Malachite on January 23, 2013, 09:20:39 PM
I have several times but she just blows me off. It doesn't help that she drinks a lot either. She tends to direct her anger towards me more often.
Yes, the booze doesn't help! Perhaps a discussion about it with your dad, is he available for a chat?
Quote from: Shantel on January 23, 2013, 09:27:56 PM
Yes, the booze doesn't help! Perhaps a discussion about it with your dad, is he available for a chat?
He knows that shes a drinker. On occasion they get together and drink, but they have somewhat of a love-hate relationship. When I tell him that she's drunk, he just tells me to ignore it and that she will fall asleep eventually/
Hugs Malachite, that is a rough situation :-\ My folks use to show favoritism towards my sisters when I was young and it did get me down, but a lot of that has changed now that we're all older
Although my situation isn't the greatest due to injuries and such, I now tend to be looked upon as the more reasonable and sensible one of the bunch... Plus I have a sense of humor, something my sisters never quite seem to comprehend or develop
What I learned is that I had to look within for my own strength and values and I didn't really need the approval of others, although a nice pat on the back or a hug does feel good from time to time
Quote from: V M on January 23, 2013, 10:47:14 PM
Hugs Malachite, that is a rough situation :-\ My folks use to show favoritism towards my sisters when I was young and it did get me down, but a lot of that has changed now that we're all older
Although my situation isn't the greatest due to injuries and such, I now tend to be looked upon as the more reasonable and sensible one of the bunch... Plus I have a sense of humor, something my sisters never quite seem to comprehend or develop
What I learned is that I had to look within for my own strength and values and I didn't really need the approval of others, although a nice pat on the back or a hug does feel good from time to time
*big hugs* Thanks VM. I'm slowly learning to find my own strength too. It usually seems like I'm always the bad guy and it's getting to a point to where I just don't care anymore. I try not to argue with my mom too much because I will want a place to recover after top surgery in the future.
Panic about possible loss of my ascendant. I have a love hate relationship with my chart.
I passed 51 wrecked cars (I counted them) just on my side of the freeway between my apartment and office due to awesome freezing rain. By the time I got to work I was so tense the crook in my neck had a crook in it's neck.
I had a great day at work. When I came home I learned that Jannie, Big sister to Azmaria and I, ( And Aunty/Grandma to Caleb) had passed away from a heart attack on Wednesday. She was 37 years old. She was one of us too and without her help, I might not have been able to start my transition. We last chatted via webcam on the 17th. And she was trying to move back to Bloomington, Indiana from Grand Rapids, Michigan. I was hoping to help get her a job at Valeo with me Azzie is working through it by watching MLP: friendship is magic episodes. Caleb is out for a walk. And me..... well, this one is a bit harder to get over. I keep telling myself that, at least she wont have to fight for the chance to see her children anymore. But I had hoped to have seen the day when she was reunited with them. I guess it will have to wait.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi688.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fvv246%2FKeairaElisabeth%2FChristmas%2F041.jpg&hash=f43762d1da46dc3bd5f6ed78d43c490bbb5b2efa)
RIP Jannie, you will be missed, more than you will know. :(
Yeah. When I came on and you and Azzie looked so sad, this was the last thing I ever expected you to tell me. I'm still in shock, in a way...and seeing you post her picture, that just makes it feel all the more strange. To know I'll never see her face again. I've only known Jannie a few months, but I really did love and care about her. We had great conversations, she always made me smile and she told me a lot of things that helped me out when I needed it.
I was kind of hoping that if I made a trip to the states over the summer that I would be able to meet her in person. :(
Oh so sorry for your loss Keaira and Caleb. :(
Quote from: Fat Admin on January 25, 2013, 03:07:26 AM
Oh so sorry for your loss Keaira and Caleb. :(
Me too, that is very sad and she was still so young! ((Hugs))
The realisation that both my suicidal thoughts and my anorexia still holds roots inside me. Been fighting them for so many years of my life. Although I got them under control, I hate that I still got them. Something that got apparent yesterday in a nice combination of only drinking a beer and eating/drinking nothing else and planning my own imidiate suicide. (The suicide thoughts went away quickly, I had someone with me at the time. I still couldn't get myself to eat anything thought.)
/S
Quote from: Sarah Blomsterhatt on January 25, 2013, 09:07:30 AM
The realisation that both my suicidal thoughts and my anorexia still holds roots inside me. Been fighting them for so many years of my life. Although I got them under control, I hate that I still got them. Something that got apparent yesterday in a nice combination of only drinking a beer and eating/drinking nothing else and planning my own imidiate suicide. (The suicide thoughts went away quickly, I had someone with me at the time. I still couldn't get myself to eat anything thought.)
/S
You have to stop that Sarah, we already like you and expect you to stick around. Time to get a little counseling sweetie!
Quote from: Jen on January 24, 2013, 09:25:55 PM
I passed 51 wrecked cars (I counted them) just on my side of the freeway between my apartment and office due to awesome freezing rain. By the time I got to work I was so tense the crook in my neck had a crook in it's neck.
It seems as if people just can't resist following too close in inclement weather and under poor driving conditions. I live in the Northwest and when two snowflakes fall they all run out and start crashing into each other. Perhaps it's the Big Kahuna's way of purging the dummies from the gene pool. ;D
Quote from: Shantel on January 25, 2013, 09:16:56 AM
You have to stop that Sarah, we already like you and expect you to stick around. Time to get a little counseling sweetie!
I've tried to do just that. After years of fighting and then accepting that I won't be able to win this on my own I talked to someone, a psychologist who agreed that "This is indeed serious, and it's good that you bring this up, I'm going to make sure you get help with these things.". Sadly this was months ago.
But I'll keep on fighting, and I will win. There is no other option. I'll be alright, I know I will be. Got too much of my life to live through happily.
/S
Quote from: Sarah Blomsterhatt on January 25, 2013, 09:31:14 AM
I've tried to do just that. After years of fighting and then accepting that I won't be able to win this on my own I talked to someone, a psychologist who agreed that "This is indeed serious, and it's good that you bring this up, I'm going to make sure you get help with these things.". Sadly this was months ago.
But I'll keep on fighting, and I will win. There is no other option. I'll be alright, I know I will be. Got too much of my life to live through happily.
/S
Yes absolutely, there are no other options! Stick with us hon.
Damn cough, it feels like I've been throwing up my lugns for the past couple days. I guess it's a necessary bad to endure to get all the nasty muckus out of my system.
Quote from: Keaira on January 25, 2013, 02:37:24 AM
I had a great day at work. When I came home I learned that Jannie, Big sister to Azmaria and I, ( And Aunty/Grandma to Caleb) had passed away from a heart attack on Wednesday. She was 37 years old. She was one of us too and without her help, I might not have been able to start my transition. We last chatted via webcam on the 17th. And she was trying to move back to Bloomington, Indiana from Grand Rapids, Michigan. I was hoping to help get her a job at Valeo with me Azzie is working through it by watching MLP: friendship is magic episodes. Caleb is out for a walk. And me..... well, this one is a bit harder to get over. I keep telling myself that, at least she wont have to fight for the chance to see her children anymore. But I had hoped to have seen the day when she was reunited with them. I guess it will have to wait.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi688.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fvv246%2FKeairaElisabeth%2FChristmas%2F041.jpg&hash=f43762d1da46dc3bd5f6ed78d43c490bbb5b2efa)
RIP Jannie, you will be missed, more than you will know. :(
Rest in Peace.
I love and miss Jannie, which makes me sad, but seeing Keaira this heartbroken is also really awful. I've seen her cry, and I've seen her sad, but this is something different entirely. She always tries to hide her pain so she can stay strong, but it doesn't work with me. I see little changes in her, like little snippets of heartbreak. What's worse is I know she is trying to hold herself together and be strong, so I can only imagine what it's like when she is alone. Azzie cried the most the first night, but seems to be grieving more internally now. For Keaira though, it's just slowly leaking out. I wish I could be there for her. Just to bring her food or a drink, or her snuggie, give her a hug if she wanted it, stuff like that. I understand and respect that she needs to keep her feelings inside sometimes to keep her composure, but I want to help, even if it's just small things, until the time if/when she is ready.
I wish I could bring Jannie back and we could all just talk like before. And while I know Keaira will be OK, in time, I wish I could take all of her pain into my heart and feel it instead. :(
Woke up feeling unmotivated and down. :(
Feeling slightly better now that I've showered and gotten a glass of wine in hand.
This woman who I'm supposed to be meeting on Craigslist tommorrow is really getting on my nerves. We weresupposed to meet tommorrow at 9:30 am but now she wants to change it to 3:15 p.m. Plus, I wish she would be a bit more professional in her speaking. I really hope she shows up to buy these things from me. I keep telling myself, "Malachite, just go through with this. Top surgery ain't gonna pay for itself."
If she isn't there tommorrow, then I will scream mentally.
Plus I'm upset that my chin up bar won't fit on any of the doors in my house.
Quote from: Malachite on January 27, 2013, 09:10:41 PM
This woman who I'm supposed to be meeting on Craigslist tommorrow is really getting on my nerves. We weresupposed to meet tommorrow at 9:30 am but now she wants to change it to 3:15 p.m. Plus, I wish she would be a bit more professional in her speaking. I really hope she shows up to buy these things from me. I keep telling myself, "Malachite, just go through with this. Top surgery ain't gonna pay for itself."
If she isn't there tommorrow, then I will scream mentally.
Plus I'm upset that my chin up bar won't fit on any of the doors in my house.
I hope the transaction works out.
The only thing keeping me from going back to bed right now is that Himself has promised to buy me my favourite noodle box if I stay up.
My hair for whatever reason decided to be frizzy today. In addition the hub locks on my car are very hard to move now. And the project at work is being a pain.
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on January 28, 2013, 10:29:55 AM
I hope the transaction works out.
Thanks man. As for how it turned out.... *makes my way over to the happy thread* :)
So in other unhappy news, I choked on my spit in my sleep and now I can't stop coughing. :(
I'm so angry and upset at my abusive ex-friend, who seems to have contacted me early this morning for no other reason than to tell me that he's still an ->-bleeped-<- who won't listen to people who know better than him. And I'm out of the medication that makes me less anxious and volatile, which definitely isn't helping.
And then I come here to be reminded that there are people who think that I'm bad for the trans* community and that my transition is less valid than theirs.
I'm going back to bed.
Woke up from the worst nightmare of my life and i just bee miserable since i've woken up, i feel ugly and feel like everybody hates me.
Quote from: DonnaTroy on January 29, 2013, 02:46:31 PM
Woke up from the worst nightmare of my life and i just bee miserable since i've woken up, i feel ugly and feel like everybody hates me.
Well, you're wrong.
You're beautiful and nobody hates you.
Quote from: DonnaTroy on January 29, 2013, 02:46:31 PM
Woke up from the worst nightmare of my life and i just bee miserable since i've woken up, i feel ugly and feel like everybody hates me.
I have those days too and I don't hate you so everybody can't possibly hate you. These feelings will pass they always do. :eusa_dance:
Quote from: MaidofOrleans on January 29, 2013, 02:58:50 PM
Well, you're wrong.
You're beautiful and nobody hates you.
^This.
Quote from: Cain on January 29, 2013, 11:16:43 AM
I'm so angry and upset at my abusive ex-friend, who seems to have contacted me early this morning for no other reason than to tell me that he's still an ->-bleeped-<- who won't listen to people who know better than him. And I'm out of the medication that makes me less anxious and volatile, which definitely isn't helping.
And then I come here to be reminded that there are people who think that I'm bad for the trans* community and that my transition is less valid than theirs.
I'm going back to bed.
I'm sorry you're having such trouble with folks :(.
I don't think your transition is less valid than anyone's, for what it's worth. I hope you won't be disheartened by people who are unable or unwilling to accept you. As Guatama Buddha once said, "You, above all, deserve your love and respect."
Really? More snow?? :(
Mom has been in and out the hospital since November. She went in Christmas night but I'm not sure when she's coming home. I talked to her today, and she sounds down. I wish there was something I could do, but I'm not sure any effort I make would be worth it.
It didn't exactly make me unhappy, but it was definitely kind of embarrassing. I've been working an insane amount of hours and haven't slept much. I had to delivery a short speech today and started off really strong, but somewhere in the middle, my brain just abruptly shut itself off and I was speechless—even my note card couldn't save me. I finally stuffed the card into my pocket and tried to steer it into an awkward landing. Definitely crashed, but didn't burn? In hindsight, it's funny only because that's so unusual for me. Next time, I shall conquer!
Quote from: Johe on January 29, 2013, 11:39:06 PM
Mom has been in and out the hospital since November. She went in Christmas night but I'm not sure when she's coming home. I talked to her today, and she sounds down. I wish there was something I could do, but I'm not sure any effort I make would be worth it.
Do you live in town? If you guys have a close relationship, I think she'd appreciate the company.
Quote from: Tejas on January 29, 2013, 11:44:24 PM
Do you live in town? If you guys have a close relationship, I think she'd appreciate the company.
No, she's in the city, and I'm out in the country with no driver's license or vehicle. I'm hoping to catch the bus sometime next week, but until then, I guess I kind feel like I'm letting her down. And the relationship is manic. It's the best way to describe it.
The discovery that no amount of drinking makes dysphoria go away.
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on January 30, 2013, 12:09:43 AM
The discovery that no amount of drinking makes dysphoria go away.
The earlier that discovery is made the better. I hope one day you'll post that comment instead in the what made me happy today topic. :) While I don't completely abstain from alcohol, I can't recall the last time I had enough in the past year to feel even a slight buzz, and I feel better for it. Now if I could just convince myself to exercise regularly...
Quote from: Ani on January 30, 2013, 12:29:46 AM
The earlier that discovery is made the better. I hope one day you'll post that comment instead in the what made me happy today topic. :) While I don't completely abstain from alcohol, I can't recall the last time I had enough in the past year to feel even a slight buzz, and I feel better for it. Now if I could just convince myself to exercise regularly...
Thanks, dear. I'm too into the sensory enjoyment of wine to quit it altogether, but I really should cut down on it. That and dairy. When I feel rubbish, I go for wine and cheese, and it's doing my weight no good at all.
I'm trying to cut down to 2 bottles a week, but it's hard when I get stressed.
I've just come out on one of my social networks, and I'm gradually creeping towards being fully out, and seeking T treatment. But I'm doing it all in tiny, scared stages, because I'm trying to get Himself to acclimatise, so he won't freak out. Gah! Relationships. I wish I'd found this stuff out sooner.
Quote from: Johe on January 29, 2013, 11:39:06 PM
Mom has been in and out the hospital since November. She went in Christmas night but I'm not sure when she's coming home. I talked to her today, and she sounds down. I wish there was something I could do, but I'm not sure any effort I make would be worth it.
Sending healing thoughts for your mom to be okay and for you to be able to visit her
Hugs
Last night at work, I had a robot crash into the side of the press. Today I was drug tested and suspended for 3 days.
Decided to try to get fit again, excercised for about 20 minutes, felt awful and threw up. I think I might have tried to do abit much considering I haven't excercised for years.
I've put on 2 kilos. :embarrassed:
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on January 30, 2013, 03:43:41 PM
I've put on 2 kilos. :embarrassed:
You know how that happened, don't turn your Auntie Shan into a harpy! :icon_blahblah:
Well what a day Tuesday was, depression kicked in full on, made me want to roll up in a ball and spend the day crying! Why? Being trapped in the wrong body will do that! If I wasn't crying I was very angry, emotions all over the place, up and down, it's like being on a roller coaster! And I'm not on HRT!
I had to work very hard Wednesday to get myself back on track as I don't/can't take medication for my depression as the meds upset my stomache!
If a come out to everyone where I live I know I will not have any friends at all. And the problems caused for my children, well?
They say the state of Tasmania is pushing the country with all the gay laws, but the people in Tasmania are very Conservative and not as accepting as they say they are. Too many religious people running the state.They might change laws but they can't change the way people think! How do I know, I hear what people say about gay people and I think it sucks and I tell them so!. We are still good people regardsless of our sexual preference's! Grow up I say!
Quote from: Shantel on January 30, 2013, 04:32:29 PM
You know how that happened, don't turn your Auntie Shan into a harpy! :icon_blahblah:
Yup.
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on January 30, 2013, 12:40:13 AM
When I feel rubbish, I go for wine and cheese, and it's doing my weight no good at all.
My weakness list - I've severely limited the first two but refuse to cut back on third ::) :
A nice hoppy IPA from the local brewpub and salted peanuts or pistachios
Black coffee and dark chocolate
Cookies and milk
:P
Not sure if this is the topic to post what ticked me off today, but here 'tis: one of my contact (gas perm hard) lenses decided it wanted to live on the top of my eyeball and refused all attempts at removal. When I first looked in the mirror I couldn't even see it.
:icon_yikes: :icon_cry2: :icon_zombie:
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on January 30, 2013, 12:40:13 AM
When I feel rubbish, I go for wine and cheese, and it's doing my weight no good at all.
Well, that sounds like you have a serious problem. "Feel depressed, grab alcohol" is sort of indicative of such.
Quote from: DianaP on January 30, 2013, 10:32:42 PM
Well, that sounds like you have a serious problem. "Feel depressed, grab alcohol" is sort of indicative of such.
To be fair to Deeper, I didn't quote all of his post.
You're right, it's definitely a problem. A few people have expressed concerns, online and off, so I'm not trying to only have one, maybe 2 bottles per week, and have at least 2 days in between. I feel that's a more reasonable amount, instead of the 6 or so bottles I have been having per week.
------------------
Himself has just basically stuffed me back into the closet. :(
I decided to start coming out, and changing my online stuff to reflect that. Two nights ago, I essentially outed myself on one particular social network by updating my profile to showing as FTM and having one of my male-presenting pics as an avatar. However, Himself is also a member of said network, and our profiles have connections, in that we're linked as engaged to one another etc, and we share friends. He's just told me quite sharply that it makes him very uncomfortable. I tried to make my case that, whether or not it says so online, he is engaged to a man anyway, but he has basically indicated that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me if I try to present as male. I've changed it all back to what it was now, but I'm utterly miserable about it. I probably should have talked with him about it first, but I didn't think it was going to be a problem, as we had a conversation last week where he told me that he would be ok with staying together if I transitioned. Now, apparently, that is not true, and has never been true. Suffice to say, I feel a tad messed about by that.
I hate this. He keeps saying he supports me and wants me to be happy, but I'm feeling like his behaviour isn't reflecting that, as he keeps repressing me all the time.
I keep welling up, and I really, really want to drink myself into oblivion right now. :'( :'( :'(
If anyone has hugs going, I'd totally appreciate them.
*lots and lots of hugs*
Big hugs! Drinking won't fix anything, hon. It's up to you to do that. Hugs, Devlyn
My huggy senses are bounding!
:icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:
*adds in my hugs*
I'm sorry, that sucks so much. It doesn't help that he's sort of jerking you back and forth, saying it's all OK and you're going to stay together and then putting roadblocks in front of you when you take steps forward.
Thanks, all of you. I'm not going to drink, I've gotten into bed instead. It's going to be awkward when he comes to bed, as we haven't spoken since I went to change the profile, nearly 3 hours ago.
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on January 31, 2013, 07:53:25 PM
Thanks, all of you. I'm not going to drink, I've gotten into bed instead. It's going to be awkward when he comes to bed, as we haven't spoken since I went to change the profile, nearly 3 hours ago.
Hugs from Auntie Shan Norwegian/Finn- recovered drunk, we're her for you!
Insomnia has infested me good and proper. Amitriptyline? Pff... doesn't even make a dent in it.
Quote from: Padma on January 31, 2013, 08:46:55 PM
Insomnia has infested me good and proper. Amitriptyline? Pff... doesn't even make a dent in it.
I found Amitriptyline and Temazepam useless. I sympathise, I too have chronic insomnia.
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on January 31, 2013, 08:55:53 PM
I found Amitriptyline and Temazepam useless. I sympathise, I too have chronic insomnia.
I've had insomnia for about 10 years. I take Prozasin. It works really well for me.
Another insomia sufferer. I've tried all those, too, with no luck. I've been taking Elavil for the past year, and it seems to work. I'm sleeping for 4 straight hours, a personal best.
DeeperThanSwords, hugs. The situation isn't an easy one. If you ever need an ear, I've got two.
V M, thanks. She seems to be doing a little better, despite everything, which is all I can hope for.
As for a little unhappy, got a 'shut-off notice' from the gas company...I've been trying to reach them all day, with no luck, for an extension. Fingers crossed I can get through the lines tomorrow.
I have also found that an herbal supplement called HTP is helpful with the insomnia.
Can you find that at regular stores? Wal-mart or Walgreens maybe?
Quote from: Johe on January 31, 2013, 10:18:33 PM
Can you find that at regular stores? Wal-mart or Walgreens maybe?
I have never tried to get it from there. Where I live natural stores are every where. So I just get it from them. Sorry.
Quote from: Brooke777 on January 31, 2013, 10:29:12 PM
I have never tried to get it from there. Where I live natural stores are every where. So I just get it from them. Sorry.
Nah, it's all right. I was mostly curious. I don't think I have any natural stores around, not without driving to the city.
My dinner was nice and tasty, even the dog loved it and then I just vurped... *gags*
Quote from: Johe on January 31, 2013, 10:18:33 PM
Can you find that at regular stores? Wal-mart or Walgreens maybe?
You can. It's labeled 5htp and will be sold by the same companies that sell SamE and st John's Wort and ginseng and vitamins and stuff. I don't think we have a Walmart but I've seen it at Rite Aid and Walgreens. I tried it for awhile before I had health insurance. I'd say it's worth a shot. Ebay's good too if you're careful about it.
What made me unhappy today was my daughter being very unsafe around fast cars and angry dogs. I need to just not take her out after dark on the weekends. The general public is a little too unpredictable then.
I should get around to calling my "friend" back, but I don't want to. She's said some rather insensitive things to me. I will talk to her about that, but I'm dreading it since she'll probably do what everyone else does and try to tell me I'm in the wrong. I'm not. Seriously, who tells someone they met in housing for abused people who they know was abused that they "don't know what it's like?" That was just the latest of things she's said to me. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I'm tired of the kind of selfishness she's displayed to me over the past few months.
Quote from: Felix on February 02, 2013, 04:50:21 AM
You can. It's labeled 5htp and will be sold by the same companies that sell SamE and st John's Wort and ginseng and vitamins and stuff. I don't think we have a Walmart but I've seen it at Rite Aid and Walgreens. I tried it for awhile before I had health insurance. I'd say it's worth a shot. Ebay's good too if you're careful about it.
Thanks, Felix. I'll check it out next time I have the opportunity.
No point in adding another post, but just had a panic attack. Took several minutes, not to mention bawling, to actually calm down, but I am so -- so something. Frazzled, maybe. I don't know. I'm not sure how to even describe it. I have an interview tomorrow, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to make that in one piece. Not to mention, I have to start getting ready in three hours...I'm still not asleep. Another note, I have a friend who wants be to babysit her kids, which wouldn't be bad if it was the only reason she ever called me. It seems to be one thing after another, and I just don't want to put anymore effort into people. I can feel myself being pulled down.
Eh, I don't know. Didn't really have anyone to talk to, thought I'd post here.
Hope the interview isn't too badly affected by circumstances.
My scales. No, I am not a fish, lol.
Whenever I talk to my ex, she manages to make me feel like I'm the most horrible person in the world, it starts out friendly, but it's just a trap and I get hurt.
I went to see my GP today & after 2 months they still haven't changed my name on my medical records, when I asked why they said I had to contact my PCT to have this done, the receptionist didn't look happy when I produced a printout of the guidelines that state clearly that if I take my deed poll into the GP they have to deal with it or I'm entitled to take civil action against them.
She claimed that someone would phone me today to clear this up, I've got a full signal on my phone & it hasn't rung yet.
I then asked if the request for funding for my electrolysis has been sent yet & she claimed they haven't received a letter from the GIC about this but my copy of the letter sent to them arrived early December.
I have explained that they are putting my transition at risk as I've been told I need to be full time by my next appointment & I now have no chance of that due to their incompetence.
I find it very suspicious that they deal with anything else quickly & efficiently but the two things relating to my transition have not been dealt with.
Quote from: Jayne on February 04, 2013, 07:41:14 AM
Sounds like it's time to become the avalanche Jayne. You've had some tough times as of late, it seems that you can't afford to be the turtle. Must be nice getting free electrolysis though, we have to pay out a small fortune for it on this side of the pond!
Quote from: Shantel on February 04, 2013, 08:25:12 AM
Sounds like it's time to become the avalanche Jayne. You've had some tough times as of late, it seems that you can't afford to be the turtle. Must be nice getting free electrolysis though, we have to pay out a small fortune for it on this side of the pond!
I've spent an hour in tears due to this, I spoke to the practice manager about these problems & he was less than helpful, I had checked with the gender clinic & they confirmed that they sent 2 copies of the letter asking for funding to be requested on the same day, one to me & one to the GP, the practice manager said "well of course they'll say that".
I informed him that I've been told I need to be full time by June for my next GIC appointment & this mistake on their part is putting that in serious jeopardy, I informed him that I'm being treated for depression & this worry is certainly not helping.
I then raised the point about my name change & asked why they have not changed my name, he said I have to write a statement about my reasons for a name change but all my research has said that I should only have to give them my deed poll & if they don't comply I am entitled to take civil action so he hung up on me.
After phoning relentlessly over the next 30 minutes he finally took my call but this time he tried to be polite & sort of helpful, probably because I informed him he was on speakerphone & I had a witness present. He couldn't give a satisfactory answer as to why they've had my deed poll for two months & have not contacted me about having to write a statement but had an answer within hours of me threatening civil action.
He still insists that I have to write a statement & that my deed poll is not enough, he gave me the address to write to, it's only a 15 minute walk away so I'll go down in person in the morning & have a word there, I will insist that they show me in writing why my deed poll isn't enough when all my research says otherwise. Then I'll go to the citizens advice bureau which is round the corner & see what they dig up.
If the CAB find that someones telling porkies then I'll find a higher authority within the NHS & complain like crazy about this practice as no-one should be treated like this.
You are right that getting electrolysis for free is good but I wish I could afford to go private because I'm sick of battling the pencil pushers
Quote from: Jayne on February 04, 2013, 10:20:06 AM
I've spent an hour in tears due to this, I spoke to the practice manager about these problems & he was less than helpful, I had checked with the gender clinic & they confirmed that they sent 2 copies of the letter asking for funding to be requested on the same day, one to me & one to the GP, the practice manager said "well of course they'll say that".
I informed him that I've been told I need to be full time by June for my next GIC appointment & this mistake on their part is putting that in serious jeopardy, I informed him that I'm being treated for depression & this worry is certainly not helping.
I then raised the point about my name change & asked why they have not changed my name, he said I have to write a statement about my reasons for a name change but all my research has said that I should only have to give them my deed poll & if they don't comply I am entitled to take civil action so he hung up on me.
After phoning relentlessly over the next 30 minutes he finally took my call but this time he tried to be polite & sort of helpful, probably because I informed him he was on speakerphone & I had a witness present. He couldn't give a satisfactory answer as to why they've had my deed poll for two months & have not contacted me about having to write a statement but had an answer within hours of me threatening civil action.
He still insists that I have to write a statement & that my deed poll is not enough, he gave me the address to write to, it's only a 15 minute walk away so I'll go down in person in the morning & have a word there, I will insist that they show me in writing why my deed poll isn't enough when all my research says otherwise. Then I'll go to the citizens advice bureau which is round the corner & see what they dig up.
If the CAB find that someones telling porkies then I'll find a higher authority within the NHS & complain like crazy about this practice as no-one should be treated like this.
You are right that getting electrolysis for free is good but I wish I could afford to go private because I'm sick of battling the pencil pushers
Stick to your guns Jayne, you shouldn't have to endure this and have your anxiety buttons pushed continually by those who are indifferent to your transgender situation. It's just another form of veiled discrimination and shouldn't be happening. I have always told these types that although I can't possibly afford to sue the system that I can and will come after you personally and it will get costly for you. Just the thought that they might have to hire a lawyer out of their own pocket is terrifying to them. It always works for me.
Someone broke into my mailbox and opened my mail. Thankfully, they left the mail, but my mailbox is literally broken, the envelope was ripped, and the contents were no longer in it.
Quote from: Edge on February 04, 2013, 02:57:13 PM
Thankfully, they left the mail, but my mailbox is literally broken, the envelope was ripped, and the contents were no longer in it.
Then they didn't leave the mail. They only left the envelopes.
Going to work in guy mode :'( after an awesome morning of therapy and driving around town as the real me.
Heather, you're so pretty! What's stopping you from going to work en femme? ???
Quote from: DianaP on February 04, 2013, 03:01:34 PM
Then they didn't leave the mail. They only left the envelopes.
Actually, they did leave the mail. It just wasn't in the envelopes.
Quote from: DianaP on February 04, 2013, 03:03:41 PM
Heather, you're so pretty! What's stopping you from going to work en femme? ???
Thank you! I'm not out at work yet but I'm working on it.
Quote from: Edge on February 04, 2013, 03:07:29 PM
Actually, they did leave the mail. It just wasn't in the envelopes.
Oh! That makes no sense. Why rip up someone's envelopes, break the mailbox, and then not take anything? ???
Quote from: Heather on February 04, 2013, 03:09:36 PM
Thank you! I'm not out at work yet but I'm working on it.
I don't know how they didn't figure it out. I swear, when I saw your avatar, I thought you were one of those "Non-TGs" on the site. :laugh:
Quote from: DianaP on February 04, 2013, 03:10:56 PM
Oh! That makes no sense. Why rip up someone's envelopes, break the mailbox, and then not take anything? ???
I have no idea, but I don't like it.
Quote from: DianaP on February 04, 2013, 03:10:56 PM
I don't know how they didn't figure it out. I swear, when I saw your avatar, I thought you were one of those "Non-TGs" on the site. :laugh:
It's amazing what some makeup a smile and a iPhone camera can do. It's funny just this morning when I was putting on my makeup. I was on the verge of tears thinking I was ugly. Luckily I got over that I snapped that photo when I got back I was in a lot better mood. But trust me I am tg what's not in the photo is my muscle mass that I'm hoping hrt will take care of. :)
I'm already sick of training people and there is still one more to go, a slow learner from the looks of it. And none of them will be as perfect as I am, sooo disappointing.
Dreamt that I was getting ready for someone's wedding. All the guys were getting ready in one house, all the girls were getting ready in another and I had nowhere to be.
I never got upset by dreams prior to HRT but now, they can really trow me off for the whole day.
People keep trolling my trans group. These are people I know who claim to be allies. They're going to ruin it. They've already ruined it for me as well as ruined my hopes of finding acceptance in the LGB community. I don't know if there is anything I can do because then they'll make even more drama.
My boss :'(
I finally pinned down the dates I had my shots....turns out I was supposed to have the third one last week. whoops D= totally my bad...but I fear waiting times and possibly my funding not being approved (I was told they were looking in to it when I had my last shot) - will make that one week turn in to several =/
So... I was supposed to have the doctor's appointment today and I had prepared for it by not taking lunch to work because I would've had to leave during lunch break and not being able to make it back to work.
Well, it just so happened that they called me two hours before the appointment that it's been cancelled. Yeah, very nice. Now I had to work through the whole day without a lunch because I didn't have any money to buy anything from the cafeteria nearby.
It's just pretty damn fair that if I have to cancel an appointment there, I have to do it two days earlier or else I'll get over 30€ fine while they can cancel appointments the same day they're supposed to be on.
Pfft, whatever. Didn't think I would've benefitted anything from the doctor when the psychologist I'm seeing there is a total flop already.
I'm reading an INTJ forum. Although there is a healthy amount of debate on various topics, it's like a bunch of mini-mes all got computers and are now arguing with each other.
Grr, got to sleep early, only to wake up 4ish hours later. Can't get back to sleep. Bah.
Fmph, more or less no sleep, now up early to go and pee into a machine (what lives we lead...)
I've had a lot of head injuries. Stitches and concussions and lumps and things I don't remember. I almost never recognize faces and I can't remember large parts of my life, and I don't want to be treated like a child so I never tell anybody but I think everyone on earth has had some interface with the fact that pretending to be fine doesn't always work for all problems.
Thinking about this stuff.
My mother came home early from work today....when I have an online therapy appointment in 20 minutes
I have been at Stanford hospital since Saturday...My mother is in rejection from her heart transplant, and the doctors prognosis is not positive. I hate this, I cant do anything but sit here in the waiting room and go look through the window to her once every hour or two.
I dont think I can continue down my path without her physically at my side.
Quote from: Gen88 on February 06, 2013, 11:22:30 AM
I have been at Stanford hospital since Saturday...My mother is in rejection from her heart transplant, and the doctors prognosis is not positive. I hate this, I cant do anything but sit here in the waiting room and go look through the window to her once every hour or two.
I dont think I can continue down my path without her physically at my side.
I'm sorry Gen, be thinking of you hon!
Thanks Shantel...
Quote from: Gen88 on February 06, 2013, 11:22:30 AM
I have been at Stanford hospital since Saturday...My mother is in rejection from her heart transplant, and the doctors prognosis is not positive. I hate this, I cant do anything but sit here in the waiting room and go look through the window to her once every hour or two.
I dont think I can continue down my path without her physically at my side.
I'm so sorry. :(
Quote from: Gen88 on February 06, 2013, 11:22:30 AM
I have been at Stanford hospital since Saturday...My mother is in rejection from her heart transplant, and the doctors prognosis is not positive. I hate this, I cant do anything but sit here in the waiting room and go look through the window to her once every hour or two.
I dont think I can continue down my path without her physically at my side.
I had a friend die in heart surgery when she was in her twenties. That's really scary. I don't have good words for how to say I hope it's alright, but I hope it's alright.
You and your mother are in our thoughts Gen
We are here for you
{{{HUGS}}}
Well, my bank account made me sad, but that seems small fish reading this. Love and loved ones are the only really important things. Hugs Gen88.
I had a job interview today; didn't get the job. Though I knew that during the interview because they were too busy not listening to my answers and playing on their cell-phones or stifling yawns. I feel like a total idiot for wasting my whole day, waiting for this thing - hoping, wanting - and then to get such a rude response.
Gen, I'm so sorry. Sending lots of happy thoughts your way that it works out.
I lost my mom to cancer when I was 19, and I know what it's like to be standing around the hospital waiting and feeling helpless. PM me if you need someone to talk to.
I really, really hate when depression and anxiety kick in. :( My doctor is of the opinion that I probably do need medication, and I guess I am too. but what I hate the most is not knowing myself when I feel this way. It makes me question so many things I feel and I don't know what I really feel and what is a result of being in a depression.
Hard drive dying. I got my laptop used from a mac repair shop so maybe they'll give me a deal on a replacement. Or something. I don't have a normal job and I'm not in school and I don't use the computer for anything really important other than internet access, so at least I don't have a lot of files to back up. Still not fun.
I'm in the doghouse.
Quote from: Brooke777 on February 08, 2013, 04:02:42 PM
Sorry *hugs*
It's ok, I seem to have made it better by making peppermint tea for him. I did it to myself, to be honest.
It's rather annoying though that a friend has come round, so we can't talk and make up until she leaves. She also handed me a booklet about the upcoming Women's Festival and tried to sell me on going to a women only cookery class, even though she knows I'm trans. *facepalm*
I didn't sleep enough last night and now I'm a total waste at the office today. I feel like I can't do anything.
I was being rather clever in class today, and the prof. called me 'one sharp lady!'
Sigh. What about this (gestures at self), looks even remotely "lady?"
Quote from: ford on February 08, 2013, 05:49:46 PM
I was being rather clever in class today, and the prof. called me 'one sharp lady!'
Sigh. What about this (gestures at self), looks even remotely "lady?"
Probably meant well by it, don't feel bad Ford, I'm a he most of the time, just go (sigh) and move on.
I was so tired that I literally almost fell asleep while teaching.
Quote from: Shantel on February 08, 2013, 06:09:07 PM
Probably meant well by it, don't feel bad Ford, I'm a he most of the time, just go (sigh) and move on.
You're right, I know they did. I just feel like it's more of a failing on my part.
Quote from: Caleb. on February 08, 2013, 06:44:47 PM
I was so tired that I literally almost fell asleep while teaching.
Even though it's Friday...Friday (your avatar has caused me to get that stuck in my head...thanks a bunch :P)
Whoops, I almost forgot to get down today! Thanks for reminding me, Caleb!
:eusa_dance: :icon_dance: :icon_geekdance: :icon_pelvic_thrust2:
First of all I have the plague. Well, it may be a chest cold I'm not sure.
Second, I groggily opened the refrigerator and a bottle of bubbly wine dropped off the top shelf, popped its lid and rocketed across my apartment, spraying everything in sight- my home, my pants, my shirt, my eye. Remember I have the plague, so I can barely stand up and I feel absolutely disgusting and I had to clean that mess up in that state, not to mention the wasted bottle of wine. At least it was pretty funny.
Hugs Jen,
Truly, waking up with one of the colds or flues going about can feel like the plague :-\ Hope you feel better soon
The bottle of bubbly is hilarious though >:-) I've had a similar thing happen
Hugs
Post alcohol anxiety :( and I hate the difference between how I feel and how I act to fit in when I'm in male company, I hate being that "guy"
Sad about everything right now. I think having access to youtube videos is difficult for me emotionally. I can search for anything and there's music and imagery and I'm just not used to that much stimuli.
Of course I'm also sad that I'll be losing my computer any day now. For some reason I'm not anxious or on edge about it, just in mourning like it's already happened.
Enough to get me drunk for the first time in my life.
I miss Jannie. just seeing her smile on my screen made me feel so much better. When I was around her I felt I was the best person i could possibly be in that moment. If I had known she would have passed away, I'd have made sure to check my phone a bit more often so I wouldn't have missed as many of her chat invites.
my parents are stressed out which often means that I will in some way have to pay.
I ruined my t shot so my T is pretty low...almost all the oil leaked out, and that doesn't make me feel good at all.
I only have one person in this world who believes in me and it makes me sad because I have no idea at all how it's held up. We worked together, lost touch, dated for a month in 2011, broke up...didn't see eahc other until she needed me in the middle of last year. and now we're in touch again but not dating even though she wants me.
She's seen me trying to be a woman and she's seen me as a man.
She's seen my impassioned battles and she has seen my apathy
She's seen my convictions and she's seen my confusions
She's seen all my strongest points and she's seen me at my worst
I helped her deal with a-holes at work who wanted to take her down a peg by getting in her pants
the A-hole boyfriend who beat and tried to rape her
She kept me functioning for three months after my breakup. If it werent for her I'd not have even showered. While I functioned she still saw me flounder more than I ever have.
Yet she still loves me. I don't know how, because i have to deal with myself every day and i can't even do it. She's not afraid of my badness and she knows how to neutralize me when I need the help so badly. Like now I suppose but I won't harass her with this.
Broken little monster.
It's good to harass us and then put it on her later if we're not enough.
I don't even know exactly what is wrong with me. I feel like I am going crazy. SOMETHING triggered this. This never comes out of nowhere, this hasn't happened to me in years. Even during the breakup, I was grieving for sure, but I wasn't this way. Something brought this out and I don't have any idea what exactly.
As for her, she's a nice, normal girl. Family has its issues but they were very normal and stable her whole life. She's stable, smart, and successful in what she does. I guess in a way she has the nice girl next door thing going on. I'm so so scared that I am just going to ruin her.
I miss Jannie too. Not a day goes by now that I don't think of her. I lost my Big Sister, then my Little Sister lost her job and then I lost mine all in a row. And it doesn't upset me that I'm unemployed as much as the other two things. Jannie was such a flighty girl, always chasing a little bit of happiness. she was full of ideas and wanted her friends to come do these hair-brained schemes with her. Sometimes it was comical and at other times it was kind of tragic and heartbreaking. But, even when she had nothing but the stuff she could fit in her car, she never lost hope. Oh, she had depressive spells. And they could be dramatic and exaggerated, but I know that that's how she vented. She would often tell me to learn from her mistakes. How we managed to stay in touch all these years is kind of amazing because it was like being friends with a tornado.
But, she and I looked out for one another because we didn't really have anyone else who understood what being trans was like until later on in life.
Anyway, I got yelled at by some crazy drunk woman who is Azmaria's friend. She told me that it was my fault I lost my job because I didn't fit in enough. And she had just met me 5 mins prior. -_-
Quote from: Jen on February 08, 2013, 10:50:49 PM
First of all I have the plague. Well, it may be a chest cold I'm not sure.
Second, I groggily opened the refrigerator and a bottle of bubbly wine dropped off the top shelf, popped its lid and rocketed across my apartment, spraying everything in sight- my home, my pants, my shirt, my eye. Remember I have the plague, so I can barely stand up and I feel absolutely disgusting and I had to clean that mess up in that state, not to mention the wasted bottle of wine. At least it was pretty funny.
I started to open a can of diced tomatoes that had a slightly bulging top and had to clean them off the ceiling, not fun at all! Get well Jen! (hugs)
Don't really know why but I'm having a low self esteem day. It's just one of those I feel ugly day's. :-\ Maybe I'll bounce back later.
Quote from: Heather on February 09, 2013, 02:47:45 PM
Don't really know why but I'm having a low self esteem day. It's just one of those I feel ugly day's. :-\ Maybe I'll bounce back later.
Ditto.
I really wish I saw the same person each time I looked in a mirror.
Today's one of those "why am I even trying, this will never work" days.
Roll on tomorrow.
Quote from: Rowan Rue on February 09, 2013, 05:52:04 PM
Ditto.
I really wish I saw the same person each time I looked in a mirror.
Today's one of those "why am I even trying, this will never work" days.
Roll on tomorrow.
Pretty much my life, ha. Sometimes my face actually looks entirely different to me...it's pretty jarring. I see myself and then I see "her."
Big hugs to Heather & Rowan.
I have been feeling unhappy the last few days because I'm getting stronger & stronger urges to start presenting, but that would mean coming out fully, and I'm not ready yet.
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on February 09, 2013, 06:46:51 PM
Big hugs to Heather & Rowan.
I have been feeling unhappy the last few days because I'm getting stronger & stronger urges to start presenting, but that would mean coming out fully, and I'm not ready yet.
Do you already dress male all the time? Cause if you don't, you can certainly do that without coming out. If people ask just say "I just like these clothes, they're more comfortable."
Quote from: Heather on February 09, 2013, 02:47:45 PM
Don't really know why but I'm having a low self esteem day. It's just one of those I feel ugly day's. :-\ Maybe I'll bounce back later.
Quote from: Rowan Rue on February 09, 2013, 05:52:04 PM
Ditto.
I really wish I saw the same person each time I looked in a mirror.
Today's one of those "why am I even trying, this will never work" days.
Roll on tomorrow.
Must be something in the air. Feeling super low about myself atm. feeling like I look like an over weight male boxer.
Quote from: Heather on February 09, 2013, 02:47:45 PM
Don't really know why but I'm having a low self esteem day. It's just one of those I feel ugly day's. :-\ Maybe I'll bounce back later.
I had one of those last night. Hang in there hon.
At least I'm not alone in having these feelings. Some days I can see how feminine my face is becoming other days I cannot. I have days where I look in the mirror and see all girl then minutes later all I will see is guy. ??? :'(
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on February 09, 2013, 06:46:51 PM
Big hugs to Heather & Rowan.
I have been feeling unhappy the last few days because I'm getting stronger & stronger urges to start presenting, but that would mean coming out fully, and I'm not ready yet.
You could try slowly introducing more and more masculine clothes into you daily wardrobe. Until your all the way presenting as you want.
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 09, 2013, 07:00:19 PM
I had one of those last night. Hang in there hon.
Thanks I've had a real up and down day.
Quote from: Steph21 on February 09, 2013, 06:59:33 PM
Must be something in the air. Feeling super low about myself atm. feeling like I look like an over weight male boxer.
I feel like I look like a quarterback on a lot of days. ???
Having one of those days with my daughter. Just endless tantrums over nothing in particular....7 of them so far, she's only been awake for two hours! I barely got any sleep last night and I'm over a week late on my T shot....
All these factors are making for a very very stressed and exhausted Jeatyn xD
Quote from: Jeatyn on February 10, 2013, 05:07:26 AM
Having one of those days with my daughter. Just endless tantrums over nothing in particular....7 of them so far, she's only been awake for two hours! I barely got any sleep last night and I'm over a week late on my T shot....
All these factors are making for a very very stressed and exhausted Jeatyn xD
How old is your daughter, is she into the terrible twos? I understand how kids acting up and hormones down can drive you over the edge. (hugs)
I've had alot of (mostly) older men hitting on me, asking for a kiss, a hug, flirt with the eye blink thing which I'm sure got a name...
And while I should be happy that people see me as a girl, I DO NOT want older men hitting on me. I want pretty girls hitting on me, that I wouldn't mind.
Quote from: Sarah Blomsterhatt on February 10, 2013, 11:21:45 AM
I've had alot of (mostly) older men hitting on me, asking for a kiss, a hug, flirt with the eye blink thing which I'm sure got a name...
And while I should be happy that people see me as a girl, I DO NOT want older men hitting on me. I want pretty girls hitting on me, that I wouldn't mind.
lol better get used to it!
Breaking the news to our teenage son and daughter that their parents will be getting a divorce.
Quote from: agfrommd on February 11, 2013, 09:40:38 AM
Breaking the news to our teenage son and daughter that their parents will be getting a divorce.
That must have been horrible. I'm sorry you had to go through that. *hugs*
Quote from: agfrommd on February 11, 2013, 09:40:38 AM
Breaking the news to our teenage son and daughter that their parents will be getting a divorce.
So sorry you are going through that. Hope you and each of your loved ones finds healing. I'm here if you need to talk. *hug* -Maddie
*was seen as a lesbian and gay bashed* Along with a friend of mine. Hoo-ray. We are safe, but very rattled.
Glad to hear you are all safe, bashing folks for any reason is so wrong :'( Do you have a link to the incident?
Quote from: Caleb. on February 11, 2013, 08:18:02 PM
*was seen as a lesbian and gay bashed* Along with a friend of mine. Hoo-ray. We are safe, but very rattled.
Happened to me before too and the worst thing is the disappointment with human kind. Taints how you view people in general. Hugs
Steph x
Well...... Everyday I wake up I feel farther and farther away from my dream. Right now my dream is to start T, but since I can't seem to find an endo that accepts new patients, is trans friendly, or takes my insurance, it makes me upset. so upset to the point where I want to give up. I know that's not the thing to do because then I really won't be any closer to starting T.
:icon_chainsaw:
Quote from: Shantel on February 10, 2013, 09:14:50 AM
How old is your daughter, is she into the terrible twos? I understand how kids acting up and hormones down can drive you over the edge. (hugs)
Just turned two :D my sister had her all of yesterday, I have enjoyed a bit of peace and quiet and a lie in this morning. All recharged ^_^
The money I'd carefully saved up so that I could go and see a gender therapist has had to be diverted because our boiler broke down. I can't exactly leave my family without hot water & central heating during winter - especially since it's been snowing this week.
Once again, my own needs are shoved down to the bottom of the pile. Ah well. That's life, I guess. :(
Welcome to my world hon! Being head of the household has it's setbacks at times. Being responsible and caring for those who count on us does have some psychic perks in spite of the personal deprivation we sometimes endure. You did the right thing!
Quote from: Shantel on February 12, 2013, 10:29:06 AM
Welcome to my world hon! Being head of the household has it's setbacks at times. Being responsible and caring for those who count on us does have some psychic perks in spite of the personal deprivation we sometimes endure. You did the right thing!
Thanks Shantel. I know I did the right thing, but I hope I'll be able to put my needs first
some day.
i dilated for the first time in four months today
ow. owwww ow wo woww wow yeah don't do that folks
Starving in a house full of food I can't eat. Being gluten intolerant really sucks when your short on funds, I haven't eaten properly in a week and its really beginning to show.
Quote from: transtrender on February 12, 2013, 11:36:47 AM
i dilated for the first time in four months today
ow. owwww ow wo woww wow yeah don't do that folks
I read a medical periodical in the doctor's office that spoke of the number of cis females who discover on their wedding night that their vagina has become too tiny to consummate their marriage and wind up having to dilate just as post-op tg women do.
Quote from: Shantel on February 12, 2013, 12:13:11 PM
I read a medical periodical in the doctor's office that spoke of the number of cis females who discover on their wedding night that their vagina has become too tiny to consummate their marriage and wind up having to dilate just as post-op tg women do.
lolll yeah good thing i don't have to worry about wedding night consummation i think or at least hope that queerios have moved on a lil past that
Quote from: transtrender on February 12, 2013, 01:55:10 PM
lolll yeah good thing i don't have to worry about wedding night consummation i think or at least hope that queerios have moved on a lil past that
lol yeah, I was amazed that there were any cis females older than 14 -15 who were still virgins, the article was a wtf moment for me.
Quote from: Shantel on February 12, 2013, 12:13:11 PM
I read a medical periodical in the doctor's office that spoke of the number of cis females who discover on their wedding night that their vagina has become too tiny to consummate their marriage and wind up having to dilate just as post-op tg women do.
That would explain why the doctor can't even get inside mine for an exam. Since nothing has ever, or will ever go in there. I didn't know that was typical. I feel somewhat reassured lol.
Quote from: Caleb. on February 12, 2013, 03:52:29 PM
That would explain why the doctor can't even get inside mine for an exam. Since nothing has ever, or will ever go in there. I didn't know that was typical. I feel somewhat reassured lol.
Sounds like you're just fine Caleb, I don't blame you for having those feelings either! No big deal now after all huh?
No. :) I was just worried there was something really abnormally wrong with my parts. Even if I have no intention of using them, I want to be in good health, so knowing this is normal is good.
Quote from: Caleb. on February 12, 2013, 04:04:30 PM
No. :) I was just worried there was something really abnormally wrong with my parts. Even if I have no intention of using them, I want to be in good health, so knowing this is normal is good.
Hey, looking at your muscle flexing photo speaks volumes about the state of your good health. ;)
I recordered an intervew I had to do with someone in law enforcement and looking back on it....
I really hate my voice. It's all nasally and high pitched. I really hope that T can straighten that out one day.
Guess I need to practice deepening my voice but it would be a bit awkward since I'm still living as female.
Quote from: Malachite on February 12, 2013, 04:32:02 PM
I recordered an intervew I had to do with someone in law enforcement and looking back on it....
I really hate my voice. It's all nasally and high pitched. I really hope that T can straighten that out one day.
It will, you'll probably be a basso. I've seen it happen more than once, rather astounding really!
Quote from: Malachite on February 12, 2013, 04:32:02 PM
Guess I need to practice deepening my voice but it would be a bit awkward since I'm still living as female.
Don't waste your time, refer to my previous comment. It will come in due time.
Quote from: Shantel on February 12, 2013, 04:12:06 PM
Hey, looking at your muscle flexing photo speaks volumes about the state of your good health. ;)
That's not me, that's the other Caleb. :) Lol. All my muscles closely resemble fat for now. :P
Going to the gym as 'her' is getting harder to do.
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on February 12, 2013, 05:10:22 PM
Going to the gym as 'her' is getting harder to do.
Been there done that too, you'll have to shower at home hon! I could go in the men's locker room but they looked at me funny, the women's room was out of the question as they run around in their undies and I would have been discovered and killed.
Quote from: Shantel on February 12, 2013, 05:44:16 PM
Been there done that too, you'll have to shower at home hon! I could go in the men's locker room but they looked at me funny, the women's room was out of the question as they run around in their undies and I would have been discovered and killed.
I shower at home anyway, though changing clothes is a bother. The main thing that bothers me is being able to fully feel all the things that are wrong with me, especially the boob issue.
I kinda want to ask the manager about what to do regarding transition, but I'm too scared.
With regards to other women (and men), being pansexual means I'd be slyly admiring no matter where I changed.
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on February 12, 2013, 05:55:22 PM
I shower at home anyway, though changing clothes is a bother. The main thing that bothers me is being able to fully feel all the things that are wrong with me, especially the boob issue.
I kinda want to ask the manager about what to do regarding transition, but I'm too scared.
With regards to other women (and men), being pansexual means I'd be slyly admiring no matter where I changed.
Well as far as the gym goes and my having to deal with the men's locker room I've had a boob issue for some time and have always lashed those things down and worn a large black T shirt, black works best! I just had a lot of eyeball assault with the huge hair covered bodies coming out of the shower with their junk showing. OMG Please! :icon_redface:
Quote from: Shantel on February 12, 2013, 04:36:59 PM
It will, you'll probably be a basso. I've seen it happen more than once, rather astounding really!
Don't waste your time, refer to my previous comment. It will come in due time.
Hoping so, I feel so inferior with this voice that I have. :/
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on February 12, 2013, 05:55:22 PM
I shower at home anyway, though changing clothes is a bother. The main thing that bothers me is being able to fully feel all the things that are wrong with me, especially the boob issue.
I kinda want to ask the manager about what to do regarding transition, but I'm too scared.
With regards to other women (and men), being pansexual means I'd be slyly admiring no matter where I changed.
I did this a couple of months ago. The manager at one of my gyms is a lesbian, and the manager at the other one is a gay man - and they were both aware of trans issues. How lucky am I? They were super-understanding. :)
They've arranged for me to use the disabled changing room, which is a single-stall room complete with a locker and shower. I'm very uncomfortable around women so I hated getting changed in the women's, and I don't feel safe in the men's until I've had top surgery. So it's a good solution for now and both managers support me in using the men's whenever I'm ready.
The next problem I had to tackle was actually exercising. I've found that I can't use treadmills any more because of the bouncing in the chest area and I don't believe it's safe to bind whilst running... so I use the bikes for my cardio now. No binding, but no bouncing either. ;)
Then I became self-conscious about wearing shorts whilst showing off my now-hairy legs... so I bought myself a nice pair of men's shorts from Hollister and just went on out there. It feels so much better now that I've managed to deal with the main causes of my dysphoria in the gym. :)
Speak to the manager... you never know what they can do to help. The other advantage is that they can back you up if anyone ever kicks up a stink. Trust me, a good gym manager will appreciate knowing about your transition so they can manage their staff and other customers if ever they do or say anything transphobic.
Quote from: Shantel on February 12, 2013, 06:32:39 PM
I just had a lot of eyeball assault with the huge hair covered bodies coming out of the shower with their junk showing. OMG Please! :icon_redface:
I felt the exact same way about women wandering around the ladies' changing room with their boobs flapping in my face. Made me want to gouge out my own eyeballs! ;)
(By the way... I had to use the men's changing rooms at one of my gyms a few months ago due to refurbishment. I always get changed in a cubicle for privacy, and I discovered that all of the cubicles have suspicious white stains running down the walls)
Quote from: FTMDiaries on February 13, 2013, 05:24:13 AM
Quote from: Shantel on February 12, 2013, 06:32:39 PM
I just had a lot of eyeball assault with the huge hair covered bodies coming out of the shower with their junk showing. OMG Please! :icon_redface:
I felt the exact same way about women wandering around the ladies' changing room with their boobs flapping in my face. Made me want to gouge out my own eyeballs! ;)
Damn. How come I never used the ladies gym locker while I could? :laugh:
I'm kind of like you though in that I find any close quarters with a bunch of women uncomfortable and would always rather change around men even before transition.
As far as the bouncing issue, yeah I quit running or moving much (besides shooting a few hoops here and there) at 11. The bouncing was the worst for me.
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 13, 2013, 05:34:35 AM
Damn. How come I never used the ladies gym locker while I could? :laugh:
I'm kind of like you though in that I find any close quarters with a bunch of women uncomfortable and would always rather change around men even before transition.
Yeah, you missed a trick there! :D
It's not just the fact that I dislike women's bodies that made it so uncomfortable... but women are so incredibly
chatty. I found I was very uncomfortable with being surrounded by a bunch of people having these loud, strange conversations that sounded really boring to me.
Of course, they're perfectly entitled to have those conversations because they aren't actually strange or boring to
them. It just reinforced the fact that I didn't belong there. ;)
Quote from: FTMDiaries on February 13, 2013, 06:05:03 AM
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 13, 2013, 05:34:35 AM
Damn. How come I never used the ladies gym locker while I could? :laugh:
I'm kind of like you though in that I find any close quarters with a bunch of women uncomfortable and would always rather change around men even before transition.
Yeah, you missed a trick there! :D
It's not just the fact that I dislike women's bodies that made it so uncomfortable... but women are so incredibly chatty. I found I was very uncomfortable with being surrounded by a bunch of people having these loud, strange conversations that sounded really boring to me.
Of course, they're perfectly entitled to have those conversations because they aren't actually strange or boring to them. It just reinforced the fact that I didn't belong there. ;)
I feel ya. That's the good thing about the men's room. Guys just get in, do their business and leave. Whereas women linger at the sink crowding all surfaces with their purses, chatting away. It can be a bit intimidating. :laugh:
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on February 13, 2013, 06:14:41 AM
I feel ya. That's the good thing about the men's room. Guys just get in, do their business and leave. Whereas women linger at the sink crowding all surfaces with their purses, chatting away. It can be a bit intimidating. :laugh:
Word.
I used to wear my iPod the entire time I was in the ladies' changing rooms, just to try to drown them out. I'd always use the least-crowded areas and I'd get out as quickly as I could.
It's not like they were doing anything wrong, but they made me feel
so uncomfortable. I'm so much happier having my own private suite, as I like to call it. :)
Quote from: FTMDiaries on February 13, 2013, 05:24:13 AM
I felt the exact same way about women wandering around the ladies' changing room with their boobs flapping in my face. Made me want to gouge out my own eyeballs! ;)
(By the way... I had to use the men's changing rooms at one of my gyms a few months ago due to refurbishment. I always get changed in a cubicle for privacy, and I discovered that all of the cubicles have suspicious white stains running down the walls[/b])
Ugh - how disgusting, we won't even go there! :icon_silenced:
Quote from: FTMDiaries on February 13, 2013, 05:20:35 AM
I did this a couple of months ago. The manager at one of my gyms is a lesbian, and the manager at the other one is a gay man - and they were both aware of trans issues. How lucky am I? They were super-understanding. :)
They've arranged for me to use the disabled changing room, which is a single-stall room complete with a locker and shower. I'm very uncomfortable around women so I hated getting changed in the women's, and I don't feel safe in the men's until I've had top surgery. So it's a good solution for now and both managers support me in using the men's whenever I'm ready.
The next problem I had to tackle was actually exercising. I've found that I can't use treadmills any more because of the bouncing in the chest area and I don't believe it's safe to bind whilst running... so I use the bikes for my cardio now. No binding, but no bouncing either. ;)
Then I became self-conscious about wearing shorts whilst showing off my now-hairy legs... so I bought myself a nice pair of men's shorts from Hollister and just went on out there. It feels so much better now that I've managed to deal with the main causes of my dysphoria in the gym. :)
Speak to the manager... you never know what they can do to help. The other advantage is that they can back you up if anyone ever kicks up a stink. Trust me, a good gym manager will appreciate knowing about your transition so they can manage their staff and other customers if ever they do or say anything transphobic.
Thank you very much for sharing your experience, I find it very encouraging. :)
It's been snowing really heavily all day, out of nowhere. I have to go to see my psychologist in an hour, but I hate being outside when it's snowing. Bah!
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on February 13, 2013, 07:57:14 AM
Thank you very much for sharing your experience, I find it very encouraging. :)
You're welcome - I hope you have a positive experience too. :)
I consider myself one of the lucky few people at my gym that has my own private suite to change in. ;)
Removed my post about the exercise stuff because it doesn't matter in the scope of things. My supervisor just emailed me and told me the woman I taught with last term passed away this morning. She was 64, but it was pretty sudden because she just got a really bad case of the flu and had to be on a respirator.
I'll probably go to her memorial. She was always so amazing to me, and gave me and taught me so much. She was always giving or offering opportunities to do some larger lectures so I could be more comfortable with teaching, even when it meant giving up her own class time. She truly loved each and every one of her students too. Teaching was truly her passion. RIP Margo.
Call from a debt collector trying to collect on a Visa card I paid off in full two years ago.
Nice to know that even if I ever manage to get all my debts taken care of, I'll still be dealing with these ->-bleeped-<-s forever more.
Sooo angry right now.
I came across some pics of me a year ago and I feel fat now :(.
Quote from: Jen on February 13, 2013, 08:47:33 PM
I came across some pics of me a year ago and I feel fat now :(.
Oh for gosh sake you're not fat!
:)
But I feeel fat! Way to much gained for one little year... Time for diet!
Quote from: Jen on February 13, 2013, 09:01:56 PM
:)
But I feeel fat! Way to much gained for one little year... Time for diet!
I know that feeling too, just the same you gave me an LOL moment when you said that, it's such a girly-girl complaint! :)
It's Valentine's day and everyone is going on about it. Everywhere I turn there are constant reminders.
Today is my wedding anniversary. But our marriage is over and we're in the process splitting up whilst still living together. I thought at the time that it'd be a brilliant idea to have all that romantic stuff around us on our special day. Now that we're separating, those reminders are absolutely awful. I just want to find a corner somewhere to hide in for the rest of the day. :(
Quote from: FTMDiaries on February 14, 2013, 11:23:07 AM
It's Valentine's day and everyone is going on about it. Everywhere I turn there are constant reminders.
Today is my wedding anniversary. But our marriage is over and we're in the process splitting up whilst still living together. I thought at the time that it'd be a brilliant idea to have all that romantic stuff around us on our special day. Now that we're separating, those reminders are absolutely awful. I just want to find a corner somewhere to hide in for the rest of the day. :(
-hugs-
Quote from: FTMDiaries on February 14, 2013, 11:23:07 AM
It's Valentine's day and everyone is going on about it. Everywhere I turn there are constant reminders.
Today is my wedding anniversary. But our marriage is over and we're in the process splitting up whilst still living together. I thought at the time that it'd be a brilliant idea to have all that romantic stuff around us on our special day. Now that we're separating, those reminders are absolutely awful. I just want to find a corner somewhere to hide in for the rest of the day. :(
I'm sorry, that is extremely sad dear. We will be your Valentine's for this day in spite of it. xoxox
Quote from: Shantel on February 14, 2013, 12:02:25 PM
I'm sorry, that is extremely sad dear. We will be your Valentine's for this day in spite of it. xoxox
Yay - thanks Shantel! Here, have some wine & chocolates. :)
Quote from: FTMDiaries on February 14, 2013, 02:54:48 PM
Yay - thanks Shantel! Here, have some wine & chocolates. :)
Thanks hon, there goes my girlish figure! ;D
Neighbors downstairs causing drama over where I parked. Nevermind that there's a space between my van and his car big enough to park a bus. Lots of yelling and cussing from his end. And I don't know if I should be happy or what because he called me a dyke. o.O
Quote from: Keaira on February 14, 2013, 07:27:20 PM
Neighbors downstairs causing drama over where I parked. Nevermind that there's a space between my van and his car big enough to park a bus. Lots of yelling and cussing from his end. And I don't know if I should be happy or what because he called me a dyke. o.O
That seems like an overreaction on his end. =/ Lol, I don't know how to feel about you being called a dyke either. I mean, it means he saw you as female, and the other slurs he could have used...but then, I've been called a dyke this week and it hurts that people think they can use that as a weapon.
Well yea, there's the being seen as female. I know it would have hurt Angie because She doesn't identify as a Lesbian, but because it's me...
Anyway, I know I'm not a dyke because I'm not: A natural or artificial slope or wall to regulate water levels, called levee in American English. :P
I can however see how it is hurtful.
Well, although they probably know you have Angie up there, so said it partly for that...a) they may have done it anyway just because I doubt you took his crap laying down, and that's "lesbianish", lol *rolls eyes at society* and b) again, they didn't say it to her or even to both of you, so.
As you know my family is Dutch, so hearing my grandmother refer to the "dykes" amused me for years when I first came out.
Having to perform an unexpected destructive recovery on my laptop
Quote from: Caleb. on February 12, 2013, 03:52:29 PM
That would explain why the doctor can't even get inside mine for an exam. Since nothing has ever, or will ever go in there. I didn't know that was typical. I feel somewhat reassured lol.
Not abnormal. I use mine and like boys, but I quickly developed a preference for less-endowed guys. It took too much work and practice to deal with the bigger ones.
Quote from: Shantel on February 12, 2013, 05:44:16 PM
Been there done that too, you'll have to shower at home hon! I could go in the men's locker room but they looked at me funny, the women's room was out of the question as they run around in their undies and I would have been discovered and killed.
I love how casually you (and so many other people like us) discuss changing clothes and getting killed in the same sentence. :laugh:
^
That didn't make me unhappy today, but it should've, so I'm not off-topic. :)
Quote from: Felix on February 15, 2013, 10:23:38 AM
Not abnormal. I use mine and like boys, but I quickly developed a preference for less-endowed guys. It took too much work and practice to deal with the bigger ones.
Hm, lol, I am intrigued, I can't believe I went my whole life feeling like I must have had a health issue. Because even doctors would look at it and say it shouldn't be so tight (ughhhh *dysphoria*). And they'd give me meds even though I didn't have any symptoms. I guess people not using it for anything whatsoever must be rather rare, particularly at my age.
A guy told me I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen around here, but he appeared to have been drinking recently. Not to mention, it bugs me when guys say that not knowing what I am. I still have some major hangups on that.
Quote from: crazy at the coast on February 15, 2013, 10:57:12 PM
A guy told me I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen around here, but he appeared to have been drinking recently.
Well, maybe people really are more honest when they're inebriated? :)
Quote from: DianaP on February 15, 2013, 11:02:12 PM
Well, maybe people really are more honest when they're inebriated? :)
More like looking through "beer goggles."
Neal Mccoy Billy's Got His Beer Goggles On (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORqzaOFUCsg#)
Sometimes that happens, the whole "beer goggles" thing, but I don't think it stops a guy from noticing a woman who is really beautiful too.
Quote from: crazy at the coast on February 15, 2013, 11:57:48 PM
More like looking through "beer goggles."
Dangnabbit, woman, just take the darn compliment! :P
Quote from: DianaP on February 16, 2013, 12:15:44 AM
Dangnabbit, woman, just take the darn compliment! :P
No!! brat...
:icon_shakefist:
I found out my srs letter isnt good enough for my surgeon, so I have to find a therapist and get a letter in less than a week. :(
Quote from: crazy at the coast on February 15, 2013, 10:57:12 PM
A guy told me I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen around here, but he appeared to have been drinking recently. Not to mention, it bugs me when guys say that not knowing what I am. I still have some major hangups on that.
No I wasn't drinking and yes I know you're a goofy gal! LOL
Kid threatened to kill me. :(
Stupid kid.
When i went into my snakes bedroom today. I immediately realized it was way to hot. The thermostat on the heater stopped working. When i opened her enclosure , i found her dead. I'm crying as i type this. I bought her in June of 1994. Her 19Th birthday was coming soon. Crying. I'M going to miss her.
Sorry for your loss, Deana.
Aw, I'm sorry Deana. We lost our snake last year. I have to admit, I was pretty scared of her because she escaped a lot, BUT, when we found her dead it was actually very upsetting and hard to see.
Quote from: crazy at the coast on February 15, 2013, 10:57:12 PM
A guy told me I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen around here, but he appeared to have been drinking recently. Not to mention, it bugs me when guys say that not knowing what I am. I still have some major hangups on that.
"What" you are is not nearly as important as "who" you are!
Quote from: Pleasingly Plump Jamie D on February 18, 2013, 06:45:41 PM
"What" you are is not nearly as important as "who" you are!
Amen to that!
Quote from: Pleasingly Plump Jamie D on February 18, 2013, 06:45:41 PM
"What" you are is not nearly as important as "who" you are!
I don't think I'm going to try to tell someone that around here, especially if they've been drinking at all.
Sometimes, I think it's impossible for people to like me. It's seems like most people are indifferent to me, don't like me, or say they like me but act indifferent.
I hate this. I hate that this bothers me. I hate stupid emotional crap. I hate that I'm whining.
Also, I have a doctor's appointment on thursday (the icky kind) and I don't know what time it's at since my phone refuses to save messages and, even though I called to ask, they haven't called me back.
My sister told my mother it was my birthday today.
I don't appreciate that.
Your mom needed someone to tell her it was your birthday? She seriously couldn't remember the day you ripped up her private parts? ???
Quote from: DianaP on February 19, 2013, 11:18:24 AM
Your mom needed someone to tell her it was your birthday? She seriously couldn't remember the day you ripped up her private parts? ???
Apparently not, but that was perfectly okay with me.
My brother just told me my grandma is in the hospital because she had heart problems last night.
I can't. There is no way I can deal with this if something happens to her. She just started calling me by my right name a few days ago, and for the first time in years, I felt I could truly connect with her again because I felt fully comfortable. I was going to sleep over with her Sunday, but because of the dogs, we changed it to Wednesday. But what if she stays in the hospital? Or worse, dies? I've had two people die already this year, I can't lose another, especially a grandparent. I'd feel forever guilty for not sleeping over Sunday night.
God damnit.
:icon_tears: I cried just reading that, Caleb.
:icon_hug: Here's a hug! :icon_cry2:
Quote from: DianaP on February 19, 2013, 02:49:15 PM
:icon_tears: I cried just reading that, Caleb.
:icon_hug: Here's a hug! :icon_cry2:
Thanks Diana. *hugs* You know what the sickest part is? On Sunday when I saw her, I had this really odd, unshakeable feeling that something might be wrong. And I had always been afraid she'd die before accepting me and i'd have to carry that guilt forever. So, instead of holding it in, I told her "I really appreciate that you are finally trying to use my new name. I know it wasn't easy for you." And I welled up and said "I was so afraid you'd go the rest of your life thinking I did this to hurt you." And she said "Don't worry about the small stuff."
I can't help but wonder if that was a sign and I should have taken it.
I may be worrying too much. After all, although she has had high blood pressure for a while, she's never had a heart attack as far as we know. She'd never hesitate to call 911, case in point now. But her mother died of a heart problem at her age. :(
Nevermind...my brother is a jerk. he made it sound much more serious than it was, and he didn't correct me when I was panicked until a few hours later.
She had extra-high blood pressure, so she has to change medications and stuff since her health is very good otherwise...but she didn't have a heart attack or anything.
-_- At least she's OK.
I'm sorry, Caleb. I hope she gets through this.
Listening to my sister spend another half hour telling me how hard my transition is going to be on my daughter.
Quote from: agfrommd on February 19, 2013, 07:44:51 PM
Listening to my sister spend another half hour telling me how hard my transition is going to be on my daughter.
Hang in there hon!
Quote from: agfrommd on February 19, 2013, 07:44:51 PM
Listening to my sister spend another half hour telling me how hard my transition is going to be on my daughter.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
My brother took my name brand Honey Nut Cheerios to his apartment and left me with the generic brands.
The name brand box was my birthday gift.
I hate my brother.
That was your present?! My first present was on my 18th birthday: a panini press. :)
Quote from: DianaP on February 20, 2013, 03:41:17 PM
That was your present?! My first present was on my 18th birthday: a panini press. :)
lol it was more like a surprise I love Honey Nut Cheerios
Quote from: Malachite on February 20, 2013, 03:39:19 PM
My brother took my name brand Honey Nut Cheerios to his apartment and left me with the generic brands.
The name brand box was my birthday gift.
I hate my brother.
Lol, what a prickish thing to do.
Quote from: Malachite on February 20, 2013, 03:49:49 PM
lol it was more like a surprise I love Honey Nut Cheerios
Well, the generic brand is the exact same thing. :P
Quote from: DianaP on February 20, 2013, 04:18:43 PM
Well, the generic brand is the exact same thing. :P
tastes different to me- I had two different generic brands and the thing I noticed was that there's not as much honey in them
Quote from: Malachite on February 20, 2013, 03:39:19 PM
My brother took my name brand Honey Nut Cheerios to his apartment and left me with the generic brands.
The name brand box was my birthday gift.
I hate my brother.
If I were you, I'd go his place and rip off his Nuts.
You know, steal them back.
Quote from: Pleasingly Plump Jamie D on February 20, 2013, 04:23:49 PM
If I were you, I'd go his place and rip off his Nuts.
You know, steal them back.
Which nuts? >:-)
Liam, you don't have to go to college. It's not for everybody, and you don't need a piece of paper to show that you're an educated member of society. Heck, I'm one of the few kids in my school who are not going to college, but I can communicate in 3 languages (English, Spanish, American Sign Language), play 2 instruments (Violin and piano), solve difficult math and science problems, and can survive in the woods with a Bowie knife and a flint rock.
College is overrated. :P (Unless you want a job that mandates that you have one)
Quote from: DianaP on February 20, 2013, 10:27:21 PM
Liam, you don't have to go to college. It's not for everybody, and you don't need a piece of paper to show that you're an educated member of society. Heck, I'm one of the few kids in my school who are not going to college, but I can communicate in 3 languages (English, Spanish, American Sign Language), play 2 instruments (Violin and piano), solve difficult math and science problems, and can survive in the woods with a Bowie knife and a flint rock.
College is overrated. :P (Unless you want a job that mandates that you have one)
You are so right about that Diana! College has been so overstressed that there are a few hundred thousand people with degrees with no job and who can't support themselves because they have no marketable skills. Often those who finish 12 years of school and then another 4 years in college come out with a degree but have no hands-on experience or even any work ethic. Some can't even think independently outside of a structured environment. I'm not criticizing college grads other than to say that the market is wide open for skilled workers who know how to produce things. My eldest son never finished high school, got a GED and is now project manager constructing a tall building in a major US city. He got there through hard work, hands-on experience and a can-do attitude.
Woke up from the worst nightmare i've ever had in my whole life :'(
Quote from: Donna Troy on February 21, 2013, 12:03:49 PM
Woke up from the worst nightmare i've ever had in my whole life :'(
Hmmm you weren't dreaming about me were you? ;D :D :laugh:
I had to get out of bed today. It's just one of those Thursdays, you know?
*queue emotional dramatic music*
What made me unhappy today?
The fact that even though Im young, I still have that feeling im going to be alone. I mean I guess it can be blamed on my manic depression. Even still. Not only do i have to find a boyfriend to my standards that would want to be with me (im not the best looking 'guy' in the lgbt community.) but they would also have to understand that I am a bigendered/androgynous male.
I am one affectionate person, and I'm sick of being just a lay or being just a friend. Im not going to force myself on someone. And I see all my friends finding significant others, and yes this sounds caddy but I -KNOW- im better looking than them, and they get gorgeous significant others. I just hate being alone.. And I know im not alone in the people that care/friends field, but I want more. I want to be able to come home and be able to get in bed and snuggle up to my boyfriend and talk about our day, and go out to romantic dinners, and all that cheesy stuff. But I just don't think im good enough for anyone...
I know this is silly, childish, and way too "emo" post, and it seems like this is something thats made me unhappy for more than just today, but today its really affecting me :c
Quote from: xhorrorglam on February 22, 2013, 03:14:21 AM
*queue emotional dramatic music*
What made me unhappy today?
The fact that even though Im young, I still have that feeling im going to be alone. I mean I guess it can be blamed on my manic depression. Even still. Not only do i have to find a boyfriend to my standards that would want to be with me (im not the best looking 'guy' in the lgbt community.) but they would also have to understand that I am a bigendered/androgynous male.
I am one affectionate person, and I'm sick of being just a lay or being just a friend. Im not going to force myself on someone. And I see all my friends finding significant others, and yes this sounds caddy but I -KNOW- im better looking than them, and they get gorgeous significant others. I just hate being alone.. And I know im not alone in the people that care/friends field, but I want more. I want to be able to come home and be able to get in bed and snuggle up to my boyfriend and talk about our day, and go out to romantic dinners, and all that cheesy stuff. But I just don't think im good enough for anyone...
I know this is silly, childish, and way too "emo" post, and it seems like this is something thats made me unhappy for more than just today, but today its really affecting me :c
*hug*
My benifits didn't turn up today,I phoned up to find out what happened & was told that my sick note didn't arrive in time so my money will not turn up till monday & by the time I discovered this it was too late to get an emergency loan.
I ate the last of my food this evening & I have 45p to my name, i've been given the address for the nearest Salvation army food bank & will have to go cap in hand tomorrow & beg for some food to see me through the next few days.
I would normaly phone my mum for a loan but if she see's how depressed I am she'll use it as ammo to backup her belief that transitioning is a bad idea, she'll ignore the fact that it's the 2yr wait for HRT that is causing the depression.
I was due to go walk Poopie today but knew that saying goodbye would probably tip me over the edge so my ex egreed that I could spend the night round her place to be with Poopie. If she hadn't agreed to that then i'd have had to have checked myself into the hospital rather than be alone listening to my neighbour play loud music whilst shouting abuse through the walls at me.
Quote from: Jayne on February 22, 2013, 05:43:45 PM
My benifits didn't turn up today,I phoned up to find out what happened & was told that my sick note didn't arrive in time so my money will not turn up till monday & by the time I discovered this it was too late to get an emergency loan.
I ate the last of my food this evening & I have 45p to my name, i've been given the address for the nearest Salvation army food bank & will have to go cap in hand tomorrow & beg for some food to see me through the next few days.
I would normaly phone my mum for a loan but if she see's how depressed I am she'll use it as ammo to backup her belief that transitioning is a bad idea, she'll ignore the fact that it's the 2yr wait for HRT that is causing the depression.
I was due to go walk Poopie today but knew that saying goodbye would probably tip me over the edge so my ex egreed that I could spend the night round her place to be with Poopie. If she hadn't agreed to that then i'd have had to have checked myself into the hospital rather than be alone listening to my neighbour play loud music whilst shouting abuse through the walls at me.
I'm sorry you're going through that Jayne, I'm hearing a lot of stressful things that members here are having to endure. Guess that life sometimes is just great and other times instead of top sirloin life just serves up some nasty sh*t sandwiches and no milk to choke it down with.
Going into wallmart today and something in my backpack set off the security alarm. Something I bought and payed for at another store. The lady was pretty nice about it... but she misgendered me ::) I think it's because I was talking and under stress, which makes my voice sound more like a girls :(
And my living situation is pretty stressful. I'm living with my Nan until I can find a place of my own, and I got referred to a great FREE counselling program geared toward LGBTs under 21, and apparently I'm getting the director of the whole shebang as my counselor, so I was starting to look at local apartments, but I'm going to have to move back to Mississauga by the end of the year, and I'm getting pressure to come back sooner because my ex gf wants to get back together ??? idek anymore all I know is it's messed up that I find better trans services in a smaller city than in the GTA
Just found out I'm losing my place. So... :\
Quote from: Siege on February 22, 2013, 08:27:59 PM
Just found out I'm losing my place. So... :\
Aw no, I'm sorry :(.
I had a haircut today. I decided to keep it more tame than, say, a mohawk. I was all hopeful that, somehow, I would like it this time. Instead, it sucks @$$. It sucks so bad, I'm tempted to take scissors to it myself even though I have no clue what I'm doing because no matter how bad a job I do, it has to be better than this.
Quote
Aw no, I'm sorry :(.
Yeah, it sucks. So I'm trying to sell what I can so I have a little bit of money to save for a place, at least. I'm really not wanting to have to move back in with my dad, but desperate times call for desperate measures and if I can't find somewhere to crash, I'm just going to have to suck it up and stay with him.
I'm now on the Cannot Donate Blood list until I'm off the finasteride.
I dreamt I had the right parts. Then I woke up. :(
Quote from: Caleb. on February 23, 2013, 02:25:48 PM
I dreamt I had the right parts. Then I woke up. :(
Yeah, that one is always hard.
I don't feel like posting photos of yours truly anymore. I can't explain why I feel that way, but I just have no interest anymore. Not like it really matters anyway. ^_^
Quote from: Keaira on February 25, 2013, 08:14:01 AM
I don't feel like posting photos of yours truly anymore. I can't explain why I feel that way, but I just have no interest anymore. Not like it really matters anyway. ^_^
aww but you look sharp in your new avatar!
I miss my best friend. Worried too.
right dishwashing glove is becoming less effective
Nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero!!
What a refreshing change
Hard discussion question in my class
Quote from: Keaira on February 25, 2013, 08:14:01 AM
I don't feel like posting photos of yours truly anymore. I can't explain why I feel that way, but I just have no interest anymore. Not like it really matters anyway. ^_^
Ooooh and to think I stopped prodding you last night because after you starting smiling and laughing, I didn't want to ruin it by reminding you of whatever it is that's bothering you. -_-
*hugs*
The jumped up little prick and his bitch of a wife who arrived today and had one of my staff in tears and ready to quit.Glad to see the back of them tomorrow
Quote from: Caleb. on February 25, 2013, 02:27:41 PM
Ooooh and to think I stopped prodding you last night because after you starting smiling and laughing, I didn't want to ruin it by reminding you of whatever it is that's bothering you. -_-
*hugs*
No.. It's been on my mind for a long time now actually. Last night was when I really thought about it.
I chickened out of presenting in public for the first time today. I feel like a coward.
Quote from: Keaira on February 25, 2013, 06:32:20 PM
No.. It's been on my mind for a long time now actually. Last night was when I really thought about it.
Well, I don't even have to tell you that I'm here for you if/when you're ready to talk about it. I may even continue prodding gently for le answers. :P I'm hard-headed, like the pit of a peach.
stupid internet froze and I was forced to leave my online quiz early-I emailed my professor about it but knowing him, I won't get a response back
I think I have a groin pull and my back's been bothering me a lot lately.
At 3am i'd been awake for 40hrs, I had to give in & take 2 sleeping tablets as the lack of sleep was getting me tearful. I saw 2 of night staff & asked them to unlock my mailbox so I could get my tablets, I also gave them a letter for my support worker explaining the situation & asking hm to ring my bell if I hadn't surfaced by 3pm for our meeting, the tablets kicked in bout 5am & at 10 this bloody morning 2 of the staff ran the bell to do room checks.
I now can't get back to sleep but still have the tablets in my system, as a result i've now got a headache from being woken up & my arms & legs feel like lead.
I feel like a zombie now. . . braiiiinz, yum, yum
I wish the staff here would communicate every once in a while
Quote from: Constance on February 23, 2013, 02:24:28 PM
I'm now on the Cannot Donate Blood list until I'm off the finasteride.
I'm under a one-year ban from donating blood that I keep resetting. Some of their rules are so stupid and arbitrary.
What made me unhappy today was waking up sick. I wouldn't be that unhappy (it's not like I had to work or anything) except that I don't get to see my boyfriend tonight. Was looking forward to that. :(
My super awesome 'David Tennant as Doctor Who' glasses came in today... And they make me look like a total girl, hahahahaha! Sad day. But I can't live without glasses and my old pair give me headaches like whoa. Man, I'd have been eaten years ago if natural selection was still a thing -_- "Oh look at the kitty! Oh, wait, I think that's a zebra? Or it could be a cow, I really can't tell. Guys? Where'd y'all go????" (As I get eaten by a swarm of ants or something else completely pathetic)
I've just gotta cope :( But at least I still have my super manly voice to help :)
I thought my cold was small and would be gone by today. It's only getting worse. UGH :c
Fell asleep while watching TV earlier which is no big deal because I almost always fall asleep if I actually sit down and try to watch a show
What I'm unhappy about is since I woke up I've been sneezing like mad and have a headache and feel like I'm going to toss my cookies :P
I was thinking about some transition issues. Never a good thing, but there's a lot, and I mean a LOT of things I will be facing in the coming months. Anyway, Azzie said to me that she didn't identify as transgender. I couldn't let that slide. Especially after all the bull$^!* I've had to claw my way though during my transition. I told her that it didn't matter what she identified as, the fact is that she, like Caleb and myself, switched to opposite teams. She didn't like that. So rather than lose my temper, I left.
It's like she doesn't get it. You can't outrun your past. Nor can you forget it.
Later on, she told Caleb that we never have intelligent conversations. I've never seen Caleb so angry. But, It's hard to have an intelligent conversation if you don't even participate!! And we watch documentaries together, discuss science, books, trans issues, music....
Not sure how to deal with a good friend getting all shirty with me for using "they" as a pronoun when talking about a genderqueer new friend of mine. It's made me feel suddenly less safe with him.
Quote from: Padma on March 01, 2013, 05:10:47 AM
Not sure how to deal with a good friend getting all shirty with me for using "they" as a pronoun when talking about a genderqueer new friend of mine. It's made me feel suddenly less safe with him.
Hmm.. doesn't sound too good Padma. :( be careful.
Quote from: Padma on March 01, 2013, 05:10:47 AM
Not sure how to deal with a good friend getting all shirty with me for using "they" as a pronoun when talking about a genderqueer new friend of mine. It's made me feel suddenly less safe with him.
I think people don't realise what they say.
I went a bit over today. I got sick of people in a meeting (I was the only woman and they all knew me prior to transitioning (hate that word)), mispronouning (?) and misgendering and I knew it didn't mean anything to them, there was nothing deliberate or insulting, it wasn't thinking.
I just stopped the meeting, I wasn't chairing it either. "The next person who gets my gender wrong or my female pronoun wrong will be wearing its balls as ear rings. I'm sick of it and it upsets me."
I think they just don't realise and have no idea how it hurts.
Quote from: Keaira on March 01, 2013, 05:10:13 AM
I was thinking about some transition issues. Never a good thing, but there's a lot, and I mean a LOT of things I will be facing in the coming months. Anyway, Azzie said to me that she didn't identify as transgender. I couldn't let that slide. Especially after all the bull$^!* I've had to claw my way though during my transition. I told her that it didn't matter what she identified as, the fact is that she, like Caleb and myself, switched to opposite teams. She didn't like that. So rather than lose my temper, I left.
It's like she doesn't get it. You can't outrun your past. Nor can you forget it.
Later on, she told Caleb that we never have intelligent conversations. I've never seen Caleb so angry. But, It's hard to have an intelligent conversation if you don't even participate!! And we watch documentaries together, discuss science, books, trans issues, music....
Oh, I'm still mad. I'm not currently feeling it because I took one of those pills to see how class would go (i.e., no more panic attacks and cancelling class) but it's made me a little more strung out than usual. =/ ANYWAY. I'm still mad, lol, for a whole lot of reasons. :P As you said, we do have intelligent discussions and do a lot more than silliness. I think what bothered me the most was I was thinking back to the discussion you and I had about
Orlando. The way you just, completely understood the book on the deepest level was incredible. I find so often in classes, students try to engage but don't get those small details and nuances that make all the difference. But you do. That was the first time I truly realized you're on my wavelength with that.
You are intelligent. You may not have a lot of desire to go into an academic environment and sit down and exist in that structure, but that doesn't mean anything...it means you learn a lot differently. And that's a good thing, you know. Too many people want to sit down, have info fed to them, barf it back up on a test, be done with it and get their degree/job. You want to learn for the sake of learning...you want to get right in there and understand the nitty gritty of whatever it is you're interested in learning. I like that. We need more of that. Besides that, you teach me about a lot of things because you know different types of things than I do. That, in the end, is what it's really all about.
To put down your intelligence, or how well you show your intelligence, just because we can also enjoy rock music, toilet humor, perhaps the occasional touch of slapstick, is such an oversimplification. To me, it's not seeing the forest for the trees.
Having a slice of pizza that tastes like perfume.
Night 4, still crying on and off. Repressed feelings are not fun, then you go to the gym and cry there too was very not good. Worse still, when you get home, you open the drivers door, attempt to get out, and puke your guts out.
WARNING: Do not under any circumstances ever cry and try to do a core workout at the same time while listening to heavy metal. You will get light headed, fatigued, sweaty, and you WILL toss cookies everywhere.
Quote from: Caleb. on March 01, 2013, 12:38:38 PM
Oh, I'm still mad. I'm not currently feeling it because I took one of those pills to see how class would go (i.e., no more panic attacks and cancelling class) but it's made me a little more strung out than usual. =/ ANYWAY. I'm still mad, lol, for a whole lot of reasons. :P As you said, we do have intelligent discussions and do a lot more than silliness. I think what bothered me the most was I was thinking back to the discussion you and I had about Orlando. The way you just, completely understood the book on the deepest level was incredible. I find so often in classes, students try to engage but don't get those small details and nuances that make all the difference. But you do. That was the first time I truly realized you're on my wavelength with that.
You are intelligent. You may not have a lot of desire to go into an academic environment and sit down and exist in that structure, but that doesn't mean anything...it means you learn a lot differently. And that's a good thing, you know. Too many people want to sit down, have info fed to them, barf it back up on a test, be done with it and get their degree/job. You want to learn for the sake of learning...you want to get right in there and understand the nitty gritty of whatever it is you're interested in learning. I like that. We need more of that. Besides that, you teach me about a lot of things because you know different types of things than I do. That, in the end, is what it's really all about.
To put down your intelligence, or how well you show your intelligence, just because we can also enjoy rock music, toilet humor, perhaps the occasional touch of slapstick, is such an oversimplification. To me, it's not seeing the forest for the trees.
Don't worry about it hun, I put myself down all the time. If I really am smart, I guess I dont apply my smarts to good use. I mean I'm not pretty or anything but hey, can't have everything. :P
Quote from: Keaira on March 01, 2013, 09:54:29 PM
Don't worry about it hun, I put myself down all the time. If I really am smart, I guess I dont apply my smarts to good use. I mean I'm not pretty or anything but hey, can't have everything. :P
I'm going to tickle you so bad. -_- Leave Keaira alone.
My first joint therapy session with Himself went poorly for me, I felt like I was on trial with 2 cis people judging me.
I don't have anything to put here for once. I should make a thread what made you happy today....unless of course (which it probably has been done) one has been made.
Well for one, I know I have a lot to be happy about (that I'm very thankful for) but humans will be humans... So what made me unhappy?
I have a huge crush on a girl I could never have, makes me sad.
Looking at my reflection and not seeing "me" makes me sad...
Finding out I have to go to the office on a Sunday for a few hours!
Quote from: Mysteryman on March 02, 2013, 02:28:43 PM
Well for one, I know I have a lot to be happy about (that I'm very thankful for) but humans will be humans... So what made me unhappy?
I have a huge crush on a girl I could never have, makes me sad.
Looking at my reflection and not seeing "me" makes me sad...
Finding out I have to go to the office on a Sunday for a few hours!
Why can't you have her?
Quote from: Mellysia (Melly) on March 02, 2013, 07:50:11 AM
I don't have anything to put here for once. I should make a thread what made you happy today....unless of course (which it probably has been done) one has been made.
Yes there is one that wants your posts! Come on over to the bright side, Melly! We have cupcakes!:
What made you happy today? 2.0 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,127277.0.html)
Hit my leg on some exercise equipment and it hurt
I hate the feelings I get. Sometimes the GID is so strong that it consumes me like today. I wish it was gone overnight and I could be who I always should have been.
I have to keep moving forward one step at a time...
I get jealous when I see an attractive woman and how I wish I was her.
Saw a piece on a morning show where they dressed the female presenters as men for a magazine shoot and they said how disturbing it was and they couldn't wait to get back to normal. I did find this interesting in that they experienced GID for but a moment.
That's how we have to live our lives everyday, consumed by darn thing with no easyway out.
They got off lightly.
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on March 02, 2013, 03:13:17 PM
Why can't you have her?
Shes straight, and I am very pre op, pre T
Quote from: Mysteryman on March 03, 2013, 06:24:39 AM
Shes straight, and I am very pre op, pre T
I had (and I suppose have) a straight girl who liked me, and saw me as a man, pre-T and obviously pre-op...I don't know exactly how rare of an exception she is, but it's definitely not impossible.
Quote from: Caleb. on March 03, 2013, 06:37:43 AM
I had (and I suppose have) a straight girl who liked me, and saw me as a man, pre-T and obviously pre-op...I don't know exactly how rare of an exception she is, but it's definitely not impossible.
If only... The girl I like is amazing ;D Maybe in another life lol
Today is my birthday and everything is going fine until my mother has to be a b**** and start a fight with me, now all i feel is misery.
Quote from: Donna Troy on March 03, 2013, 11:01:21 PM
Today is my birthday and everything is going fine until my mother has to be a b**** and start a fight with me, now all i feel is misery.
I'm sorry don't let it ruin your birthday. Happy Birthday btw!
Watching my girl head back home after a wonderful weekend.
Remembering what happened when I was 6 years old.
Quote from: Mysteryman on March 03, 2013, 06:52:50 AM
If only... The girl I like is amazing ;D Maybe in another life lol
Well, you never know unless she's actually said no, right?
Though I suffered from unrequited love in high school for 2.5 years and it was hell. Now, in some twisted turn of fate I am the one not requiting feelings.
I had to show my licence to the teller at the bank to deposit my 401K check Her face darkened, right after she had gendered me correctly. Seymour BMV, I hate you so much!
Since I never bitch here I'll make this a good one.....
Things come in threes: I bought a new basic Speed Queen Commercial dryer $729.00 it will last another 30 years according to the service guy that came to fix the last dryer. All the rest have 3 - 7year built in planned obsolescence with plastic parts and motherboards that go bonkers right on schedule. So I grudgingly shelled out money for that. Then the tankless water heater which I paid close to $1000 to have installed two years ago quit. The service tech determined that the gas line under the house was insufficient in size for it to operate properly, and I shell out another $250 for his services. I get a gas piper to come and run a new one inch diameter line 40 feet for the heater after I spend two hours crawling around under the house through spider webs and mummified rat corpses removing debris and old plumbing pipes that the remodeler's plumber left behind two years ago so the gas guy can do his job properly. He installs the new pipe and I shell out another $580 and the water heater still doesn't work, it looks as if the igniter is shot from trying to ignite with insufficient gas pressure. The service tech will be out at 7AM tomorrow to verify that is in fact the problem and will have to have the manufacturer overnight a new part and will install it the following day for more money of course. Meanwhile my spouse and I have been heating water on the stove and taking whore's baths in the bathroom sink for a week, her complaints are beginning to get rather shrill and I'm about out of patience! Other than that I don't have any complaints!
Tell her to shut her trap! :P
Quote from: Keaira on March 04, 2013, 05:18:13 PM
I had to show my licence to the teller at the bank to deposit my 401K check Her face darkened, right after she had gendered me correctly. Seymour BMV, I hate you so much!
Ugh, that sucks!! When are you going to try another branch?
Your spouse! Of course, I was only kidding. Tell her to kindly shut her trap. :P
Quote from: DianaP on March 04, 2013, 06:47:01 PM
Your spouse! Of course, I was only kidding. Tell her to kindly shut her trap. :P
Uh - We don't behave like that to the ones we love kid! You'll get more respect from me when you drop the rude cheeky comments.
Tongue in cheek, Auntie Shan. Tongue in cheek.
--> :P
Quote from: DianaP on March 04, 2013, 07:12:31 PM
Tongue in cheek, Auntie Shan. Tongue in cheek.
--> :P
Ok gotcha Miss Diana!
I'm unhappy that most people use the expression "tongue in cheek," but don't get what this means. --> :P
I'm being facetious with 90% of my posts. ;)
What I would actually tell her is that complaining won't change anything, so you'll have to deal with the cards you've been dealt. After all, it'll be over eventually.
Or would I? I'll never tell! :icon_suspicious:
Quote from: DianaP on March 04, 2013, 07:18:28 PM
I'm unhappy that most people use the expression "tongue in cheek," but don't get what this means. --> :P
I'm being facetious with 90% of my posts. ;)
What I would actually tell her is that complaining won't change anything, so you'll have to deal with the cards you've been dealt. After all, it'll be over eventually.
Or would I? I'll never tell! :icon_suspicious:
reads as "blah, blah, I'm a brat, blah,blah, blah." :o :P ;D
Quote from: crazy at the coast on March 04, 2013, 07:22:51 PM
reads as "blah, blah, I'm a brat, blah,blah, blah." :o :P ;D
I wish! Seriously, look at those shoes!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2F9%2F9d%2FBratz_dolls.jpg%2F300px-Bratz_dolls.jpg&hash=e910cc75bb023421c4f5676584b1981ae7f0eeae)
Quote from: DianaP on March 04, 2013, 07:27:01 PM
I wish! Seriously, look at those shoes!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fthumb%2F9%2F9d%2FBratz_dolls.jpg%2F300px-Bratz_dolls.jpg&hash=e910cc75bb023421c4f5676584b1981ae7f0eeae)
The fact that I'm crying again and can't stop, but its due to some crazy people who's posts I'm reading currently. -stomach hurts-
Quote from: Caleb. on March 04, 2013, 06:55:25 AM
Though I suffered from unrequited love in high school for 2.5 years and it was hell. Now, in some twisted turn of fate I am the one not requiting feelings.
With the same girl? She likes you now?
Meeting the man I love for a beer and chat and all he talks about is his current girlfriend. I feel like I am stupid for even falling for him sometimes.
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on March 05, 2013, 01:07:34 AM
With the same girl? She likes you now?
Oh no no, lol. I honestly don't think this girl I liked in school would ever date a trans guy...she had a friend who transitioned (and later detransitioned, but that's beside the point) and she never used the correct name and pronouns. I don't think she actually believes in transition - like, she doesn't believe people can be a guy in a female body, or vice versa.
But I mean now...I have one girl who has loved me for about 3 or 4 years who I dont' feel the same for, a while ago a friend of mine liked me but again, I didn't reciprocate. And a week ago, I actually got a girl's number (she offered it), but she wasn't really my type so I'm not going to call.
And I haven't really had any unrequited love lately because ever since my ex, anyone I've liked has ended up liking me back too. Sooo. I'm happy with that I guess lol. But it's funny, as a girl I didn't seem to get much attention, but since starting transition I've had a number of people like me. Go figure. I was a pretty girl for the most part, as a guy, I'm a bit awkward, chubby, baby-faced, and kind of sensitive for a guy...
Bleh, I need to see a Dr soon or I'll lose the hearing in my left ear. Jeez I'm already half stupid in my right ear. Thank you military for pretty much making me deaf. Well at least I won't have to listen to morons when they talk.
Quote from: Mellysia (Melly) on March 05, 2013, 09:32:29 AM
Bleh, I need to see a Dr soon or I'll lose the hearing in my left ear. Jeez I'm already half stupid in my right ear. Thank you military for pretty much making me deaf. Well at least I won't have to listen to morons when they talk.
Hey Melly,
You're not alone, fed a .50 Cal MG for a few hours and my left ear is 80 gone. VA gave me a peachy keen hearing aid that fits in the ear canal and doesn't show.
I took Poopie for a walk earlier, some woman had her little dog on a lead & Poopie went over to say hello, his tail was wagging so hard he almost took off like a helicopter.
Her dog went for Poopie & after a second or two he decided to have a go back, he didn't do any harm but she then started ranting that I needed to keep my dog under control!!
I pointed out that her dog started the fight & she said "that's why he's on the lead" my question for her was "if you know your dog will start a fight why did you walk over here with him?" (the park is the size of 4 football pitches!!).
Her response was "he always walks this route"
Some people are born stupid, this woman hopes to elevate herself to that level one day!!!
Quote from: Shantel on March 05, 2013, 09:35:55 AM
Hey Melly,
You're not alone, fed a .50 Cal MG for a few hours and my left ear is 80 gone. VA gave me a peachy keen hearing aid that fits in the ear canal and doesn't show.
Damn if feeding a .50 for only a few hours did that. I don't want to know what 4 years of it can do XD. I went to the VA and I was told I need to see a specialist. My hearing, from what they described, isn't fixable. Pretty much I hear the 24-7 ringing in my ears more than anything else.
Quote from: Jayne on March 05, 2013, 09:51:46 AM
I took Poopie for a walk earlier, some woman had her little dog on a lead & Poopie went over to say hello, his tail was wagging so hard he almost took off like a helicopter.
Her dog went for Poopie & after a second or two he decided to have a go back, he didn't do any harm but she then started ranting that I needed to keep my dog under control!!
I pointed out that her dog started the fight & she said "that's why he's on the lead" my question for her was "if you know your dog will start a fight why did you walk over here with him?" (the park is the size of 4 football pitches!!).
Her response was "he always walks this route"
Some people are born stupid, this woman hopes to elevate herself to that level one day!!!
Obviously her dog is emulating it's contentious owner's attitude. The woman walked her dog your way so that she could engage you in a bitch fest!
Decided that I would drink some orange juice today. Ate a good healthy breakfast and downed some good ole natural orange....and immediately got sick to my stomach and I've been sick since. I love and hate orange juice.
Quote from: Mellysia (Melly) on March 05, 2013, 09:26:50 PM
Decided that I would drink some orange juice today. Ate a good healthy breakfast and downed some good ole natural orange....and immediately got sick to my stomach and I've been sick since. I love and hate orange juice.
If you got sick from drinking the juice on an empty stomach I'd suggest that it was the acidity that set you off, but since you had a full stomach it would seem that there is something wrong with the juice. There was a brand that was recalled some time back Odwalla or something like that which was making people sick because it wasn't pasteurized.
I slept in and now my hair won't be dry before I have to go.
I feel lonely. That sucks.
I'm trans, practically asexual, have a lot of baggage, and am way past the line for acceptable amount of "different" (according to people who claim to like "different" people). Also, I have trust issues. I'm going to be lonely for a very long time.
Quote from: Edge on March 06, 2013, 09:17:18 AM
I slept in and now my hair won't be dry before I have to go.
I feel lonely. That sucks.
I'm trans, practically asexual, have a lot of baggage, and am way past the line for acceptable amount of "different" (according to people who claim to like "different" people). Also, I have trust issues. I'm going to be lonely for a very long time.
That doesn't have to be your choice, there is always someone out there who would treasure you!
Seeing my favorite noise forum devolve into a bunch of pathetic, moronic garbage. Nothing more than a bunch of grade school mockery and rubbish.
It's a shame.
I am sad today because I woke up to the sound of my wife sobbing. She has been crying fairly regularly since I came out a couple of days ago. She has said "You are starting a new life, but I feel like mine is over."
Quote from: Snickerdoodle on March 06, 2013, 10:19:25 AM
Seeing my favorite noise forum devolve into a bunch of pathetic, moronic garbage. Nothing more than a bunch of grade school mockery and rubbish.
It's a shame.
Can you clarify that so we know more specifically what you're talking about?
Quote from: Antonia J on March 06, 2013, 10:27:40 AM
I am sad today because I woke up to the sound of my wife sobbing. She has been crying fairly regularly since I came out a couple of days ago. She has said "You are starting a new life, but I feel like mine is over."
uh-oh, not fun for either of you! ((Hugs))
Quote from: Shantel on March 06, 2013, 10:29:10 AM
Can you clarify that so we know more specifically what you're talking about?
It's a forum that discusses Noise music. Well, it used to..now it's just dumb with a lot of bickering, mockery and general stupidity.
Here are some examples of Noise Music.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aS-ktA5phY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aS-ktA5phY)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-kp-uAevys (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-kp-uAevys)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzvduxWzuZg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzvduxWzuZg)
The last one is a cool documentary talking about a few women in the noise scene.
Quote from: Snickerdoodle on March 06, 2013, 10:54:32 AM
It's a forum that discusses Noise music. Well, it used to..now it's just dumb with a lot of bickering, mockery and general stupidity.
Here are some examples of Noise Music.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aS-ktA5phY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aS-ktA5phY)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-kp-uAevys (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-kp-uAevys)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzvduxWzuZg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzvduxWzuZg)
The last one is a cool documentary talking about a few women in the noise scene.
Yup gotcha, the bickering and nonsense is a maturity level thing, and sadly what passes for talent and music today is pure crap and evidence of a culture collapse.
People just being moronic and stupid makes me want to be cold and calculated again. Screw being the nice person. I'll be a pain again and tell everyone to <not allowed> themselves and just close myself in. You want to take advantage of me? Not a good idea if you know whats good for you.
Edited for profanity.
Quote from: Shantel on March 06, 2013, 11:06:03 AM
sadly what passes for talent and music today is pure crap and evidence of a culture collapse.
Ummm, this stuff is so far below the "cultural radar" that most people don't even know about it. If you don't like it then don't listen to it.
It's a pretty simple concept.
Quote from: Mellysia (Melly) on March 06, 2013, 11:09:36 AM
People just being moronic and stupid makes me want to be cold and calculated again. Screw being the nice person. I'll be an ->-bleeped-<- again and tell everyone to <not allowed> themselves and just close myself in. You want to take advantage of me? Not a good idea if you know whats good for you.
C'mon Melly, chill hon it's going to be OK! ((Hugs))
Quote from: Snickerdoodle on March 06, 2013, 11:13:08 AM
Ummm, this stuff is so far below the "cultural radar" that most people don't even know about it. If you don't like it then don't listen to it.
It's a pretty simple concept.
Right on!
Quote from: Shantel on March 06, 2013, 11:14:15 AM
Right on!
I hope you don't think I was offended by your comment because I wasn't.
Just a bit of clarification is all.
Noise does come in handy for getting rid of unwanted houseguests that's for sure. ;D
Quote from: Shantel on March 06, 2013, 11:13:19 AM
C'mon Melly, chill hon it's going to be OK! ((Hugs))
I don't think the I can type what I feel at this point. The only time where my voice and my feelings can only be conveyed through actions. I wish things would be OK, but I doubt God has that in mind.
Quote from: Mellysia (Melly) on March 06, 2013, 11:33:35 AM
I don't think the I can type what I feel at this point. The only time where my voice and my feelings can only be conveyed through actions. I wish things would be OK, but I doubt God has that in mind.
You most probably have combat related PTSD, I recognize the symptoms as I suffer from it myself as I have an extremely short fuze for nonsense and drama and an explosive temper. I often have to be very careful about how I respond to some people's posts lest I get the boot from the Not-so-fat Administrator or worse yet Susan herself. I came to the place where I had to realize that it wasn't normal for me to be outside investigating noises in my underpants at 0-dark thirty with my .45 auto. Go to VA with your DD-214 and ask to see the mental health counselor, you won't regret it.
Discovering that synthetic wigs get severe permanent frizzies when exposed to certain acid-based skin treatments. Retin A fried my bangs.
Yesterday, my Sister 'jokingly' called me a freak. And I went off on her. My last spoken words to her were, "Do you have foot and mouth disease? because you keep putting your foot in your mouth."
I'm still upset. Both at her and myself. I'm upset at her because she should have known better. And at myself because I let my anger get the best of me. She emailed me later on and said that perhaps we should just go our separate ways. I told her in reply, that's up to her, it's her life and she has to do what's right by her.
Quote from: Keaira on March 07, 2013, 11:40:49 AM
Yesterday, my Sister 'jokingly' called me a freak. And I went off on her. My last spoken words to her were, "Do you have foot and mouth disease? because you keep putting your foot in your mouth."
I'm still upset. Both at her and myself. I'm upset at her because she should have known better. And at myself because I let my anger get the best of me. She emailed me later on and said that perhaps we should just go our separate ways. I told her in reply, that's up to her, it's her life and she has to do what's right by her.
That's so frustrating. I hope she comes around. But really, I'd hope if one of my family members made a remark like that, their first reaction would be to feel bad because they hurt me and perhaps to apologize.
You didn't deserve what happened.
My voice. Again. It's such a huge trigger for me, and it's not helping that I'm having to talk on the phones all day. I wish I could just go home right now but those bills don't pay themselves. :(
The irony is, if I wasn't trans my voice would be awesome. People tell me that I have a voice for radio and, way back in the dawn of time, I was actually a college radio DJ. I think that's part of what frustrates me. It's going to be so hard to train it to sound feminine. I wish I could just give it to one of you trans-guys, who would enjoy and appreciate it more than I do.
Blurry vision that goes in and out. Bah humbug at growing old and having diabetes.
I have just been kicked in the teeth (figuratively speaking).
The GIC have requested that my GP seek funding for electrolysis for my facial hair, due to my eczema I can't use a razor to shave & can only wear make-up to cover my 5 o'clock shadow for 2 - 3 days at a time before my skin is so painful that even applying prescription creams becomes painful.
This is one of the main sources of my depression, also i've been told by the GIC that they want me to be presenting as female full time by my next appointment before I start HRT.
Being unable to pass as female is effecting me so badly that I now consider this more important than SRS, when this started I never thought for a second that anything could be more important than SRS.
I've just checked my mail & have been denied funding, the letter states "Your application does not indicate that this patients case is exceptional in comparison to other patients with this condition who may also wish to access this treatment", "funding approval cannot therefore be granted & this case is now closed"
I feel like I can't go on right now, every step of the last 2 yrs has been a battle & I don't know if I have the strength to fight the system any more.
This morning I was crying tears of happiness at being offered a home & now i'm crying tears of misery & desperation
I got my TV hooked up to my laptop as a second monitor (woohoo!); however, I still can't get Netflix to run, which was the point of having two monitors in the first place.
Thought I started to move forward, called a psychologist and she has yet to call me back after almost 2 days. Eh, Ill just have to call someone else. Because I blew my top yesterday and mom got wind, she stayed home from work today to look after me. She honestly thought I was going to hurt myself.
Quote from: Liam Erik on March 07, 2013, 10:29:16 PM
fighting the urge to self-injure...
I know the feeling. Hang in there man. It'll pass.
Just got addressed as 'my dear' by a new, cismale colleague. >:(
I'm not your bloody dear, dear... unless you're gay, in which case hellooooooo! :)
Azmaria and I parted ways. So I have essentially lost both of my Sisters in 3 months.I wonder who will be next...
Quote from: Keaira on March 08, 2013, 05:28:32 AM
Azmaria and I parted ways. So I have essentially lost both of my Sisters in 3 months.I wonder who will be next...
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope they come around soon. - Gives a hug - I will pray for your family.
Why does god dump the least favorite thing on top of me again. I hate snow
Quote from: Keaira on March 08, 2013, 05:28:32 AM
Azmaria and I parted ways. So I have essentially lost both of my Sisters in 3 months.I wonder who will be next...
No one is next. Butt. *hugs*
Lack of Juicy Juice
:embarrassed:
Quote from: Caleb. on March 08, 2013, 05:55:02 AM
No one is next. Butt. *hugs*
Im just saying....^_^
My mum's in hospital so my Dad went on a vodka bender as his way of coping.Just what I need an 84 year old brat
Quote from: big kim on March 08, 2013, 06:59:10 AM
My mum's in hospital so my Dad went on a vodka bender as his way of coping.Just what I need an 84 year old brat
Sorry Big Kim, look out for your mum!
Thanks she's on the mend hope you are
Quote from: Keaira on March 08, 2013, 06:16:21 AM
:embarrassed:
Im just saying....^_^
Don't worry. Life events are entirely random. You're not set on a course to lose everyone, it's just a bad time and a lot of bad things coincidentally happened at once. Try to keep on rationalface. *hugs*
My sour popsicle is almost gone. This maks me unhappy.
Quote from: Malachite on March 08, 2013, 04:17:37 PM
My sour popsicle is almost gone. This maks me unhappy.
Unacceptable! You must obtain anither one. Moar popsicles!
Quote from: natastic on March 08, 2013, 04:32:23 PM
Unacceptable! You must obtain anither one. Moar popsicles!
But the ice cream truck drove away already :(
Quote from: Malachite on March 08, 2013, 04:55:04 PM
But the ice cream truck drove away already :(
Noooooooooo! :( *hugs*
Quote from: natastic on March 08, 2013, 05:06:26 PM
Noooooooooo! :( *hugs*
I know right? and my sister brought that one for me and since I'm trying to save money, I don't see myself getting another one any time soon. :( -hugs-
So. My dad finally wrapped his head around my transition and told me, "Well, you gotta do what you gotta do to be happy with yourself but I gotta be honest.... you're going to make one hell of an ugly woman."
THANKS, DAD! >:(
Quote from: Shodan on March 08, 2013, 05:40:07 PM
So. My dad finally wrapped his head around my transition and told me, "Well, you gotta do what you gotta do to be happy with yourself but I gotta be honest.... you're going to make one hell of an ugly woman."
THANKS, DAD! >:(
Seems like your dad just challenged you to show him otherwise with that comment! Guess he had to get his jabs in to make you feel bad, that's what they do sometimes rather than having a real meaningful conversation. Don't take it to heart Shodan, even if you looked like your avatar there are always some wonderful FFS surgeons who can remedy most shortcomings.
I have very bad bottom dysphoria today. :(
Quote from: Caleb. on March 08, 2013, 06:35:45 PM
I have very bad bottom dysphoria today. :(
-HUGS- I know that feeling
Quote from: Shantel on March 08, 2013, 06:33:09 PM
Seems like your dad just challenged you to show him otherwise with that comment! Guess he had to get his jabs in to make you feel bad, that's what they do sometimes rather than having a real meaningful conversation. Don't take it to heart Shodan, even if you looked like your avatar there are always some wonderful FFS surgeons who can remedy most shortcomings.
Thanks. I think it was my dad just trying to be funny but he's always been clueless as to how what he says affects me. I'm used to his constant disapproval of me. I know his heart is in the right place and he has made attempts to relate to me more, and I don't really hate him for it. He just exasperates me most of the time.
There are a lot of things I see that praise moms and saying how moms are so wonderful. That's great, but... what about dads? How come dads get forgotten? Is it because we're not considered "as good as" moms? Why? Is it just because we're guys? Dude, I am a single parent. Do you know how hard I work? The same as a mom. It would be nice if those things praising moms praised all parents.
My neighbor calling me a "pretty girl"
Quote from: Caleb. on March 08, 2013, 04:03:25 PM
Don't worry. Life events are entirely random. You're not set on a course to lose everyone, it's just a bad time and a lot of bad things coincidentally happened at once. Try to keep on rationalface. *hugs*
I guess. Doesnt matter though. Azzie is tired of me yelling at her, she says. Im tired of her giving me a reason to yell at her. We've just grown apart and its time for us to leave each other alone.
My father doesn't want to spend any time with me tonight....even after I said I'd pay him......with the birthday money he gave me. I always like it when he watch me play my war video games but he says hes always too tired to watch now....even thoug he decided to drive over here half drunk just for the hell of it.
This: "Why do some think passing isn't important? (rant)" How a small minority has the arrogance to dis a huge percentage of the members with their self-aggrandizing opinions.
My car went in for a service this morning so I needed Hubby to ferry me back & forth to drop the car off etc. We barely spoke and when we were sat in McDonald's having our super-healthy breakast after dropping off my car, he pretty much stared out the window the whole time, unable to talk to me.
The fact that I'm transitioning is causing him so much pain that he can't even stand to look at me any more.
I need to stop calling him Hubby... and start calling him Soon-To-Be-Ex-Hubby. :'(
Quote from: FTMDiaries on March 09, 2013, 06:30:06 PM
My car went in for a service this morning so I needed Hubby to ferry me back & forth to drop the car off etc. We barely spoke and when we were sat in McDonald's having our super-healthy breakast after dropping off my car, he pretty much stared out the window the whole time, unable to talk to me.
The fact that I'm transitioning is causing him so much pain that he can't even stand to look at me any more.
I need to stop calling him Hubby... and start calling him Soon-To-Be-Ex-Hubby. :'(
Such pain, I'm sorry for you both! It could be different, but the ball is in his court....(((Hugs)))
Quote from: Shantel on March 09, 2013, 04:57:39 PM
This: "Why do some think passing isn't important? (rant)" How a small minority has the arrogance to dis a huge percentage of the members with their self-aggrandizing opinions.
Sure it's not important. If you enjoy being harassed. I pass just fine but I still have my body issues.. I get called Ma'am all the time on the phone too but I don't see how. But passing is very important to some people and no one should make them feel less of a person for making that a high priority in their life.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on March 09, 2013, 06:30:06 PM
My car went in for a service this morning so I needed Hubby to ferry me back & forth to drop the car off etc. We barely spoke and when we were sat in McDonald's having our super-healthy breakast after dropping off my car, he pretty much stared out the window the whole time, unable to talk to me.
The fact that I'm transitioning is causing him so much pain that he can't even stand to look at me any more.
I need to stop calling him Hubby... and start calling him Soon-To-Be-Ex-Hubby. :'(
I'm sorry you're going through this. It is as much a challenge for our loved ones as it is for ourselves. How we rise to the challenge reveals our strength of character and compassion. *hugs*
Quote from: Shantel on March 09, 2013, 06:46:46 PM
Such pain, I'm sorry for you both! It could be different, but the ball is in his court....(((Hugs)))
Thanks, I really needed that hug!
When I came out to him I told him that this doesn't change the way I feel about him and that I was willing to continue in our marriage. But he's homophobic and he has no interest in continuing our relationship when I transition.
Which does make me wonder: how much did he really love me in the first place? Was he only in love with my gender presentation? I'm still the same person but he can't see past outward appearances. :(
Ah well. Time to find someone better, I guess. ;)
People trying to sound smart by claiming Horus was resurrected. He needs to die before he can be resurrected. That was his father.
Also, some b-word told me to stop with the "politically correct bs" because I pointed out that people of all genders can be rapists and people of all genders can be raped. Yes, because equality and truth is "bs." ::)
Yesterday, my cousin's ex visited. He was part of our family for a long time and we were good friends. The split was my cousin's fault (she cheated on him), so we do miss having him around.
Anyway, he's getting married in the late summer of 2014 and asked me to be a groomsman. I was hoping to make the big leap in the summer of 2014, so this complicates my plans.
One of the worst bouts of dysphoria I've ever had. Trying to figure out how I can possibly fix it.
Quote from: Caleb. on March 10, 2013, 04:18:47 AM
One of the worst bouts of dysphoria I've ever had. Trying to figure out how I can possibly fix it.
You come and hang out with me. :D
I was talking to a friend last night on the phone. I came down for two minutes during the call to take my estradiol. My wife was in the kitchen where the pills are kept. She had to leave the room because my femme voice "sounds like nails on a chalkboard" (her words).
Some dingbat did exactly what I asked not to do. I responded politely, but then she did it again.
Had another mental breakdown. Went to the gym today for a special lifting session called "I am going to destroy myself" I almost succeeded. Only stopped when my right knee gave while doing deep squats.
Quote from: Mellysia (Melly) on March 10, 2013, 01:57:08 PM
Had another mental breakdown. Went to the gym today for a special lifting session called "I am going to destroy myself" I almost succeeded. Only stopped when my right knee gave while doing deep squats.
Best to do wussy weights and a lot of reps instead!
The insomnia monster... Again
Quote from: Shantel on March 10, 2013, 02:32:18 PM
Best to do wussy weights and a lot of reps instead!
Yeh wussy weight isn't my thing unfortunately. Whether I be guy or girl I shall lift. I'll just do more incline press to strengthen the joints before trying anymore Olympic style deep squats.
I was watching Dancing on Ice with Soon-To-Be-Ex-Hubby and Eldest Daughter. One of the competitors, the Olympic gymnast Beth Tweddle, came on to start her routine. If you've never heard of her, here's who she is: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beth_Tweddle (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beth_Tweddle)
Hubby took one look at her face and said "She really doesn't have anything going for her, does she?".
I ripped into him. Beth Tweddle may not be a supermodel, but she's a three-time Olympian, has won many medals at various games, is the proud holder of an MBE awarded to her by the Queen, and went on to win Dancing on Ice. How dare he imply that a woman's worth is based entirely on her prettiness, and in front of my daughter, too?
She's got a darn site more going for her than he does, that's for sure. And than I do, too.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on March 11, 2013, 08:06:53 AM
I was watching Dancing on Ice with Soon-To-Be-Ex-Hubby and Eldest Daughter. One of the competitors, the Olympic gymnast Beth Tweddle, came on to start her routine. If you've never heard of her, here's who she is: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beth_Tweddle (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beth_Tweddle)
Hubby took one look at her face and said "She really doesn't have anything going for her, does she?".
I ripped into him. Beth Tweddle may not be a supermodel, but she's a three-time Olympian, has won many medals at various games, is the proud holder of an MBE awarded to her by the Queen, and went on to win Dancing on Ice. How dare he imply that a woman's worth is based entirely on her prettiness, and in front of my daughter, too?
She's got a darn site more going for her than he does, that's for sure. And than I do, too.
Sounds like he's suffering from a severe case of rectal/cranial inversion. Feeling bad for you and your daughter hon, Neanderthals are tough to train properly, hope things get better. (hugs)
Thanks Shan; sadly I think he's beyond hope. He just couldn't see why I might object to him objectifying women in front of our teenage daughter. Ah well.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on March 11, 2013, 08:06:53 AM
I was watching Dancing on Ice with Soon-To-Be-Ex-Hubby and Eldest Daughter. One of the competitors, the Olympic gymnast Beth Tweddle, came on to start her routine. If you've never heard of her, here's who she is: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beth_Tweddle (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beth_Tweddle)
Hubby took one look at her face and said "She really doesn't have anything going for her, does she?".
I ripped into him. Beth Tweddle may not be a supermodel, but she's a three-time Olympian, has won many medals at various games, is the proud holder of an MBE awarded to her by the Queen, and went on to win Dancing on Ice. How dare he imply that a woman's worth is based entirely on her prettiness, and in front of my daughter, too?
She's got a darn site more going for her than he does, that's for sure. And than I do, too.
That is awful. And you're right; horrible thing to say in front of a young girl. As if she's not already bombarded with messages like that all around. That it doesn't matter how accomplished a woman is in this world if she's not wank material. But for her father to confirm it... :icon_no:
Quote from: suzifrommd on March 10, 2013, 07:40:24 AM
I was talking to a friend last night on the phone. I came down for two minutes during the call to take my estradiol. My wife was in the kitchen where the pills are kept. She had to leave the room because my femme voice "sounds like nails on a chalkboard" (her words).
That's really cold. Sorry you were subjected to that, Suzi. >:(
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on March 11, 2013, 10:14:13 AM
That is awful. And you're right; horrible thing to say in front of a young girl. As if she's not already bombarded with messages like that all around. That it doesn't matter how accomplished a woman is in this world if she's not wank material. But for her father to confirm it... :icon_no:
Exactly, which is why I had to speak up. Even if he still tried to argue his 'case', at least
she heard what I had to say. And that's important.
I had one of our windows server engineers tell me today that his time is more valuable than mine... while he was wasting my time. While, technically, true, it was still very condescending of him to actually say it.
That things just can't go my way......not even once.
I just learned that my insurance won't cover HRT. Or... anything related to trans. Or... anything not related to trans if you're listed as trans.
Time for a new job.
My dad took a "sick" day when he isn't sick, and he is going to do it tomorrow too. It annoys me, because he always complains about others abusing sick days and sick pay and here he is doing the same thing. The whole "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality. Do not approve, not at all.
Oh and not to mention he is doing it because he hates thinking about his job, and then, he spends the entire day on the phone COMPLAINING about his job!
Another night with no sleep, these anti-depressants have my stomach churning, my heads got a drummer in it pounding away & i'm so dizzy I can barely type.
My noisy neighbour will be awake in an hour or so playing the same 3 CD's at top volume again & i've got a 2hr round trip (on foot) to go sort out my housing, life sucks!
I just lost three coworkers. I hate mergers.
Had to make an appointment to see a regular therapist because my dad said so. I don't want to do this and be picked apart. I think I'll keep the trans questions to myself and just try to deal with the massive pool of anger I have inside me.
I've been so exhausted, I didn't do my stats homework. (Seriously, I've attempted it during the past few days, but the words are swimming.) I slept in this morning and have decided to just skip this morning's statistics since it usually makes me feel tired and I already feel like I'm about to pass out. I've been sleeping 7 to 8 hours a night (with the exception of monday morning), so I know I haven't had too much sleep and I should be getting enough sleep. I just got back from a break (during which I also felt tired, but not this bad). I have a cold, but it usually doesn't make me this tired for this long.
My Dads still on a bender,he got my nephew to buy him more vodka then ratted him out to my sister(his Mum!)
Bottom dysphoria is still through the bloody roof. =/ *sigh* It's keeping me up at night (partly). I hope it quiets down soon.
I'm getting the most lucid dreams of my life on these pills, that would be a good thing but every dream is a nightmare!!
On the bright side the other side effects are calming down so maybe tonight i'll have a good dream
Soon-To-Be-Ex-Hubby made me feel awful this morning. :(
One of my daughters had an orthodontist appointment today to have braces fitted. Hubby said last night that he was taking time off to take her there.
I remembered how much pain she was in last time, so this morning I asked him to give her some painkillers when they got back & to judge whether she should go to back to school afterwards. Last time she was in agony and was unable to eat anything solid for several days, so I didn't want her to go without lunch or painkillers.
At least, that's what I tried to say. As I was saying it, he shouted over the top of me to say that he hadn't booked the whole day off and would be going back to work immediately afterwards, dumping her at school no matter what. Daughter then broke in with a smug grin and said "he did tell you about this".
No, he didn't. He discussed it at length with his mother (as per usual) but he never spoke to me about it, apart from briefly mentioning last night that he was taking her in today.
As per usual in our household, he gave me a small portion of the story but left out most of the details. He always goes round his Mum's and discusses everything at length with her and then assumes that the whole freaking world knows the entire story through osmosis. Then when I ask innocent questions about it (because he never tells me anything) I get shouted down and made to feel like I'm somehow in the wrong for not having telepathically deduced what he was on about. He does it to me all the time and has done for years.
I do sometimes wonder whether he's doing this deliberately to send me round the twist.
Hey, Soon-To-Be-Ex-Hubby? Maybe you should've married your darn mother.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on March 13, 2013, 10:57:38 AM
Hey, Soon-To-Be-Ex-Hubby? Maybe you should've married your darn mother.
This would be my take on momma's boy! Sad you have to deal with the emotional trauma hon!
Quote from: Shantel on March 13, 2013, 11:37:20 AM
This would be my take on momma's boy! Sad you have to deal with the emotional trauma hon!
Thanks Shan! And that, ladies & gents, is the moral of my little tale of woe: never get involved with a Mummy's boy or a Daddy's girl!
Incidentally, he didn't give our daughter any painkillers and when I texted her at lunchtime she said her mouth was hurting so much that she couldn't eat properly. Exactly like last time.
Gah. I
hate working so far away from home that I can't just up & leave when my kid is in pain and her dad's being a sphincter. :(
I am broke and I want Ice Cream. Yes, I'm sorry to day it, but for some odd reason it actually made me unhappy.
Time of the month
"I like your beard. I think it's so manly"
Quote from: FTMDiaries on March 13, 2013, 10:57:38 AM
Hey, Soon-To-Be-Ex-Hubby? Maybe you should've married your darn mother.
Sounds like he should move back home with her, obviously the apron strings are too short.
My ex always insisted she'd told me stuff when she hadn't, she'd swear blind that she has a perfect memory & remembered telling me, the only thing she could remember is how to skin up a fat one!
Maybe we should hook them both up, they sound perfect for each other ::)
I've been waiting for 3 days for a call back about my appeal about electrolisys funding, my mum said she'd drop a camera around this week so I can get pictures of my eczema whilst it's flared up, i've got pills that will help to clear it up but can't take them until I get these photos done for my appeal
My face is glowing bright red & sore as hell right now, my eyelids are starting to puff up, my creams are burning as they soak in & I can barely stand to touch my face with my electric shaver.
on top of it all my boilers playing up & the waters coming through tepid, I had a shower at 4 this morning to ease my skin a little & I was shivering!!
Everyone in the office has been coughing relentlessly for the past two weeks, including someone in the room next door who never covers their mouth when they cough.
Two nights ago my throat started burning like I'd swallowed acid; I woke up the following morning to find that I'd rapidly acquired a chest infection.
Bleh. I'm asthmatic, which makes chest infections extra-difficult. I'm now on quadruple my normal dose of steroids (but not the good kind, sadly) and I'm dosed up to the eyeballs with cold & flu pills. I feel like death warmed over.
Thanks for sharing, colleagues!
Quote from: FTMDiaries on March 14, 2013, 07:29:05 AM
Everyone in the office has been coughing relentlessly for the past two weeks, including someone in the room next door who never covers their mouth when they cough.
Two nights ago my throat started burning like I'd swallowed acid; I woke up the following morning to find that I'd rapidly acquired a chest infection.
Bleh. I'm asthmatic, which makes chest infections extra-difficult. I'm now on quadruple my normal dose of steroids (but not the good kind, sadly) and I'm dosed up to the eyeballs with cold & flu pills. I feel like death warmed over.
Thanks for sharing, colleagues!
Some people are so inconsiderate! Get an albuterol nebulizer, that will pull you out of the asthma attacks and open up those bronchial airways fast. Hope you recover quickly! Not fun now huh? (hugs)
Didn't get the job I interviewed for, still unemployed living with the ex. Haven't received a check from January so very very broke. Feeling like I have nothing to live for getting stronger with each day
I lost my job today. They at least gave me till the end of the month. :'( :'( :'(
Quote from: Brooke777 on March 14, 2013, 10:17:04 AM
I lost my job today. They at least gave me till the end of the month. :'( :'( :'(
Oh, that's awful. So sorry to hear that. :(
*Big hug*
Quote from: FTMDiaries on March 14, 2013, 10:20:59 AM
Oh, that's awful. So sorry to hear that. :(
*Big hug*
Thanks. At least I have till the end of the month to find something. I tried to get my boss to say it is because I am trans. I was really hoping for a pay out. But, he had an actual reason for it. Darn!
Quote from: Brooke777 on March 14, 2013, 10:47:19 AM
Thanks. At least I have till the end of the month to find something. I tried to get my boss to say it is because I am trans. I was really hoping for a pay out. But, he had an actual reason for it. Darn!
Darn it! Thats the worst. *hugs*
Quote from: krakenshay on March 14, 2013, 10:08:08 AM
Didn't get the job I interviewed for, still unemployed living with the ex. Haven't received a check from January so very very broke. Feeling like I have nothing to live for getting stronger with each day
Hang in there Krakenshay. Thats a lot to hace to deal with.
Quote from: Brooke777 on March 14, 2013, 10:17:04 AM
I lost my job today. They at least gave me till the end of the month. :'( :'( :'(
I'm sorry Brooke I know it's difficult I hope you find something even better than what you had before.
Thanks Maddie and Heather.
I read a lot of transphobic comments on an article I found.
Why did I have to have three midterms and extra homework during the week where my head feels the least equipped to deal with them?
Also, my friend now only talks to me if I talk to xe first (which is a bad sign in my experience). I wouldn't mind if I had some sort of explanation or acknowledgement, but instead I'm sitting here trying to find out if she's mad at me or something.
Looking at the Before & After threads and feeling like I'm never going to get there myself.
I don't quite know, but I am unhappy. That's about it.
MY life is just another unending moment to moment of pain and suffering...i wish i was dead.
Lost out on a job cause I don't drive/have access to a vehicle. Feeling like people will never take me seriously, I think I'm a joke. I'm broke, have nothing to my name, look like I'm 10 so no chance of anyone thinking I'm attractive. General feeling of having nothing to live for
Quote from: krakenshay on March 15, 2013, 11:28:29 AM
Lost out on a job cause I don't drive/have access to a vehicle. Feeling like people will never take me seriously, I think I'm a joke. I'm broke, have nothing to my name, look like I'm 10 so no chance of anyone thinking I'm attractive. General feeling of having nothing to live for
I know that feeling all too well. A lot of the jobs I want are out of public transportation's range and I need a car but I don't drive either. :/
I'm unhappy because I missed watching the trashman today.
I was unhappy today when my friend at work informed me that our other coworker blamed me for shoddy work she did during the week that made our boss angry. >:( And I thought she liked me.
I am also just unhappy coming back home, I'd almost rather be at work or school sometimes. My family here... they're stressful and my brothers (ages 17-19) pee on the bathroom floor. It's like just walking in the door here made my mood come down and now I just feel really sad being here. I guess I'll just go to bed.
The dr in thailand is given me a headache because I have a letter from a licensensed psycologist and not a psychiatrist for my surgery and it say on his site he accepts either... :-\ Does not make me happy at all
Been in the bathroom for the better part of about 4 hours. I guess more and more foods don't like me.
Quote from: Brooke777 on March 14, 2013, 12:00:27 PM
Thanks Maddie and Heather.
I just read this, I'm sorry Brooke! Do you have any other potentials lined up?
Seeing the dishes I have to wash.
I was excited about going to see a movie this evening. Then my friend called to cancel.
It also sucks that this is the only person who wants to see me on a regular basis. No one else invites me to hang out unless it's random.
Quote from: Shantel on March 16, 2013, 08:44:04 AM
I just read this, I'm sorry Brooke! Do you have any other potentials lined up?
I have had three interviews, so hopefully one of them will pan out. At least my rent is covered till the end of next month. I have also contacted literally every recruiter in the area.
My 1.5 year old spilled my embroidery needles the other day. I didn't know I missed one until about 20 minutes ago, when I found it with my toe. It was one of the big suckers, too. Jammed the whole thing in there, and bent it to boot. I had to pull it out with pliers because it was too bloody to pull out with fingers alone. But according to my roommate I took it like a big boy, which made me chuckle :p
Quote from: Liam Erik on March 16, 2013, 10:56:54 PM
I am worried and upset about a lot of things...............
I want to fall off the wagon and self-injure. Probably shouldn't do that.
Hang in there Liam.
My father complains about my mother being a drunk, yet they are drinking outside in his car right now....
EDIT
Apparently, they aren't even in the driveway anymore....
got/became sick :icon_omfg:
They seemed fine with my letter from a psychologist (not a psychiatrist).
The tramp who has a dump in the back street again!
My mother threw away a cup of my freshly-poured gingerale.
I started making animal/orgasm noises in anger.
She told me she could give me a can of gingerale if I would shut up.
The can helped, but the emotional scars are still there. There will never be a cup of gingerale like the cup I had ever again.
R.I.P. Gingerale
I'm just unhappy in general tonight.
I also really miss my hamster. :( He died in late August last year. I feel kind of empty, and I really wish I was allowed to have another.
The mirror. Again. I can't stand looking at myself in it. I've always had problems with it in that I've always felt detached with my reflection, in that it always never seemed to be me looking back. Now that I know why, it's just gotten worse.
I wanted to try some of that Chocolate chip cookie dough flavored Pinnacle Vodka for St Patty's Day, but I'm poor atm and cant afford to spend the cash now.
Today I am sad because I am still thinking about it. ;.;
Oh well. Will have to just get some at a later date when things arent so tight.
Life in general.
People trying to rush me even though there's no hurry
Quote from: Malachite on March 17, 2013, 08:36:52 PM
My mother threw away a cup of my freshly-poured gingerale.
I started making animal/orgasm noises in anger.
She told me she could give me a can of gingerale if I would shut up.
The can helped, but the emotional scars are still there. There will never be a cup of gingerale like the cup I had ever again.
R.I.P. Gingerale
Have you ever seen
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on March 18, 2013, 11:03:56 AM
Life in general.
Uh - still it beats the other option! (((Hugs))) to a buddy!
Quote from: LearnedHand on March 18, 2013, 11:21:44 AM
People trying to rush me even though there's no hurry
Have you ever seen Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
I can't say that I've seen it lol
Had a tooth pulled out today. 1st time ever and it sucked >:(
Quote from: MyKa on March 18, 2013, 02:47:28 PM
Had a tooth pulled out today. 1st time ever and it sucked >:(
Put it under your pillow and hope for the Tooth Fairy!
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on March 18, 2013, 02:58:22 PM
Put it under your pillow and hope for the Tooth Fairy!
Lol, damn I never thought of that devlyn! :)
Quote from: MyKa on March 18, 2013, 03:13:18 PM
Lol, damn I never thought of that devlyn! :)
Although I think most of us are waiting for the Boob Fairy to come by!
Quote from: MyKa on March 18, 2013, 02:47:28 PM
Had a tooth pulled out today. 1st time ever and it sucked >:(
-hugs- I know that feeling. Later that night I was in one of the worst pains of my life and my shirt was literally soaked in blood. :/ Just typing about it is making my pinky twich.
Having to go back to guy mode to go to work ... always makes me sad especially on Mondays
My neighbor has started up with his loud music again, i'm getting about 2 hrs a day right now which is an improvement.
On the bright side he's bought a new CD, hooray, he now owns 4 CD's!!!
Thanks malachite, so far so good. Although its only been since 1pm. I have some vicadine that I hope will come in handy. I have to have this retainer in for three months before a permanent new one can go in. Why is everything so expensive >:(
Having the alarm clock wake me up from a deep sound sleep to get myself together and ready for a Dr.'s appointment and the fact that I don't like having to go to a Dr.'s appointment in the first place :P Oh well, what must be done must be done I suppose
Quote from: Malachite on March 18, 2013, 01:32:49 PM
I can't say that I've seen it lol
I think you'd appreciate it.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on March 18, 2013, 03:14:48 PM
Although I think most of us are waiting for the Boob Fairy to come by!
The tooth fairy takes your tooth so you're saying some fairy is going to come by while you're asleep and take your boobs? :icon_yikes:
I'm not officially "out" at work yet, but I'm rapidly approaching this point (as in, meeting THIS WEEK with HR folks to talk logistics SO EXCITEDDDD). Plus, I've sorta backdoored my way into wearing female attire somewhere in the last year. The general public reads me as female; my coworkers read me as male (albiet a super SUPER femmy male).
In the meantime, I still use the men's restroom on my floor in the office, since everyone here has known me as male. And, as luck would have it, I crossed paths with "the new guy" in the men's room. It's soooo embarrasing every time I get asked "Oh crap is this the women's restroom?" and I answer "No....it's not."
:( :( :(
The silver lining is that I'll be out soon, and I'll be using the women's room at work. Then I'm sure I'll get to experience a whole new kind of awkward as the women on my floor begin to see me in "their space."
LOL GENDUR TRAYNSITIONSSSS
Chuggers,the shopping centre is infested with them.I pissed him off when I asked him what percentage of any donation is his wage.I'd prefer to see all my donation go to the charity concerned and not have some skimmed off for chuggers' wages
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on March 18, 2013, 03:14:48 PM
Although I think most of us are waiting for the Boob Fairy to come by!
Well, technically speaking...
If the tooth fairy hauls away lost teeth, then we should suppose the boob fairy would do something similar, right?
So, really, only immediately post-op FtMs would have need of the boob fairy's services.
Just sayin'...
Quote from: Shantel on March 18, 2013, 05:13:52 PM
The tooth fairy takes your tooth so you're saying some fairy is going to come by while you're asleep and take your boobs? :icon_yikes:
You bring up an interesting point, Auntie Shan. Apparently, I don't know how the system works!
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on March 18, 2013, 06:30:46 PM
You bring up an interesting point, Auntie Shan. Apparently, I don't know how the system works!
Lol, you're such fun Dev, we could be another Abbott & Costello act! On another note, I know some trans men that would be just fine with the previous.
Quote from: suzifrommd on March 18, 2013, 06:28:51 PM
So, really, only immediately post-op FtMs would have need of the boob fairy's services.
Hooray for the Boob Fairy! ;D
(Although now that I come to think about it, I don't actually fancy putting
those under my pillow, even if it would earn me a couple of quid)
I used to do the Tooth Fairy routine for my daughters. Then one night when my eldest was about 7 years old I was in the middle of doing her 'beauty' session (styling her hair, cleaning out her ears, trimming her nails) when she asked whether there was some way she could earn some extra money round the house. Because I was trimming her nails at that time I laughed and said, "Yeah, I bet you wish there was a 'Nail Fairy' who would leave some cash under your pillow for your nail clippings". Her eyes went wide: she was struck with a wild hope that there really was such a thing. I had to immediately backtrack & tell her I'd made it up as a joke... but later that night I decided to check under her pillow anyway. Sure enough, she'd gathered up her nail clippings, wrapped them in a tissue, and stuck them under her pillow just in case. ;)
Had another 'chat' with Soon-To-Be-Ex-Hubby last night.
We went to a family counselling session on the weekend that left me feeling very distraught. The counsellor (who was supposed to be LGBT-aware) hadn't heard that I'm trans and he addressed me by the wrong name & pronouns. He apologised when we corrected him, but then he continued to use my old name all the way throughout the session, referring to my transition from girlName to boyName. To me, this felt like a violation: it was as if he was validating the old, incorrect identity that my parents had tried to give me when I was mislabelled at birth. I've discarded that 'identity' because it was never my own, and it stung terribly to hear someone attempting to give it some validity.
Also eldest daughter is going through the usual teenage angst and she loves lashing out at me because of it. She lashed out pretty hard during the session and said some awful things. I was very tramatised by it all.
Now we have another session booked in for this coming weekend. I'm toying with the idea of cancelling it because as much as we need to resolve the issues within our family, I'm in far too delicate a state of mind to tolerate being hurt too much again. So last night's long chat was me reminding Hubby how much all this is hurting me and how close to suicide I am. I said I can't allow myself to be abused again but I'm feeling as bad now as I did when my alcoholic stepfather was abusing me as a teenager. But this time, it's my daughter whose emotional abuse is making me feel unwanted, unwelcome and violated. :(
I honestly don't know what the solution is here. Daughter won't be happy until she's able to attack me as viciously as possible... and that will drive me to my grave. But there's no other way forward than to talk things through, apart from cutting her out of my life until she gains some maturity.
Jeez, hell is indeed other people. Does anyone have a desert island somewhere that I could borrow for a couple of months? ;)
My families up front accepting of who I am has passed and they refuse to call me she or Kayle and don't understand why I can't just "do this at home" and keepy life off of the internet. Plus coming out at work and 3 days later being rold I have 2wks left at my job.
Quote from: Kayle Sky on March 19, 2013, 08:15:28 AM
My families up front accepting of who I am has passed and they refuse to call me she or Kayle and don't understand why I can't just "do this at home" and keepy life off of the internet. Plus coming out at work and 3 days later being rold I have 2wks left at my job.
Oh that's awful! *hugs* I hope things get better for you :(
I am sure things will get better. I mean, they have to. :-\
Things will get better Kay. They always do. There is some saying about doors, closed and windows you can look to, but I personally prefer to look ahead and see just how bright my star power can be.
I know you can soar, and in two weeks, your new professional life can begin! Hang in there, beautiful!
Hearing the latest news out of Syria
I still smell like the hospital bleh
I feel like I am getting sicker and progressively worse.
Ugh...this sucks.
*Heavy sigh*
My sister called up to disown me ... Again :-\ I'm wondering how long this one will last
Been feeling pretty low/depressed for about a week, finally motivated myself to get out and do something and not even 100 steps pass my house a group of chavy kids decide to start on me, *sigh should have stayed in bed :(
Quote from: hazel on March 24, 2013, 10:35:08 AM
Been feeling pretty low/depressed for about a week, finally motivated myself to get out and do something and not even 100 steps pass my house a group of chavy kids decide to start on me, *sigh should have stayed in bed :(
I'm sorry your having a terrible week. Getting yourself out of the house was a good thing no matter what those kids were saying to you. Staying in bed all day is no way to live your life. The thing about depressed moods the longer you dwell in them the worse they get. So the best thing you can do for yourself is to go out and try to have some fun. :)
Spent 8 hours in a car, looking for a car, with a Minister and complete homophobe transphobe and maybe other "phobes" too. And all I could think about his bigoted Christian views was, "But.. You're African American. Being Transgender is almost like being black in the 50's and 60's. You're looked down upon, treated like crap and Everyone feels they have a right to a slice of your life."
Quote from: Keaira on March 24, 2013, 12:40:32 PM
Spent 8 hours in a car, looking for a car, with a Minister and complete homophobe transphobe and maybe other "phobes" too. And all I could think about his bigoted Christian views was, "But.. You're African American. Being Transgender is almost like being black in the 50's and 60's. You're looked down upon, treated like crap and Everyone feels they have a right to a slice of your life."
Too bad you didn't vocalize that for him. I ran into that at the VA hospital from a black male nurse and brought up the same analogy, he shut up and apologized.
Being misgendered on the phone:
Car Dealership: "Hi, can I speak to Mr. Diaries please?"
Me: "Speaking."
Car Dealership: "No, can I speak to MISTER Diaries please?"
Ugh.
The cold needs to leave and soon. I am so close to taking a clever to my legs. I honestly, right now, wouldn't mind not having legs from the thighs down. The cold, drops in pressure, or excessive heat, actually make it impossible to stand up or walk sometimes. My next door neighbor actually thought to ask me if I was on drugs because I went outside to get the mail and when the cold air hit my body, my knees locked up and I face planted from my porch, 4 stairs down to the ground, and hit one of the lawn pavers. After I recovered and told her, she apologized about the drug thing. But really, is that the first thing on your mind instead of are you ok?
Quote from: Mellysia (Melly) on March 25, 2013, 10:30:37 PM
The cold needs to leave and soon. I am so close to taking a clever to my legs. I honestly, right now, wouldn't mind not having legs from the thighs down. The cold, drops in pressure, or excessive heat, actually make it impossible to stand up or walk sometimes. My next door neighbor actually thought to ask me if I was on drugs because I went outside to get the mail and when the cold air hit my body, my knees locked up and I face planted from my porch, 4 stairs down to the ground, and hit one of the lawn pavers. After I recovered and told her, she apologized about the drug thing. But really, is that the first thing on your mind instead of are you ok?
That was beyond rude, hope you didn't get too banged up!
1. My sister took my Ginger ale
2. I've been waiting two whole weeks to watch the new episode of Between Women (lesbian drama web show) online that airs at 9 but someone hacked into their account putting up a video instead about how homosexuality is a sin and the video started quoting scriptures....seriously wtf.
I had to call the police to arrest a guest for beating up his girlfriend.Thankfully she is OK and has took my advice and is changing the locks on her house and leaving the POS
One of those nights I poured my eyes out from having lost someone dear to me.
Something bad is going to happen and I can't do anything about it.
I gave my wife my thoughts on how to divide things up in the divorce. She said she needed to talk it over with her lawyer (fine with me). It's more than two weeks later, and I haven't heard anything. I asked her what her timetable is. She said she's talked to her lawyer but needs to see her again. They're seeing each other Wednesday. I asked if she'd have an answer after that. She got really irritated and said that she wouldn't have an answer, but would "let me know what's going on."
I can only wait. :'(
Quote from: suzifrommd on March 28, 2013, 05:04:12 PM
Something bad is going to happen and I can't do anything about it.
I gave my wife my thoughts on how to divide things up in the divorce. She said she needed to talk it over with her lawyer (fine with me). It's more than two weeks later, and I haven't heard anything. I asked her what her timetable is. She said she's talked to her lawyer but needs to see her again. They're seeing each other Wednesday. I asked if she'd have an answer after that. She got really irritated and said that she wouldn't have an answer, but would "let me know what's going on."
I can only wait. :'(
My heart goes out to you, hope you have a lawyer, she's probably got a barracuda!
Quote from: Shantel on March 28, 2013, 05:07:01 PM
My heart goes out to you, hope you have a lawyer, she's probably got a barracuda!
Well, I do. Don't know if she's a barracuda too, but at least I've got one. But I SO don't want this to be nasty.
Quote from: suzifrommd on March 28, 2013, 07:24:07 PM
Well, I do. Don't know if she's a barracuda too, but at least I've got one. But I SO don't want this to be nasty.
I'm with you sweetie, it's always best to part amicably if at all possible. I'll say one for you tonight.
Being alone today thinking to myself why I have to put up with how I feel, it is torture at times as we all know. I wish my mom could have helped me when I was younger as it would have been much better now. She knew how I felt but died before I was 10. I wish I had the courage to deal with it in my teens but had no chance to do so. Seeing the results of younger people addressing their GID made me feel what could of been and made me feel sad.
It feels so much harder starting now but at least I am making some progress however so slow.
J
Last night my dog peed all over my messenger bag. my notebook and some sheets of paper I had got soaked with urine.
And then, they wake me up at 7:30 am. The one is puking directly on my couch fabric, and the other is FLIPPING out, barking really loudly and biting and scratching me. So I had to go upstairs, there was nothing to wear as everything was in the wash and I was sleeping naked...the dog was still biting and scratching my bare legs furiously, so I threw on the only thing I saw, which was my mother's red nightgown, and took them to the yard. -_- What a way to wake up.
On the plus side, the nightgown was NOT flattering on me at all. You could really see how my body has changed on T. My shoulders are broad, hips are gone, so it hangs not so nicely. My chest has softened and has a new shape so you could even really see them with the way the nightgown hung, all you could see was some chest stubble. Lol.
Quote from: Caleb. on March 29, 2013, 09:10:03 AM
Last night my dog peed all over my messenger bag. my notebook and some sheets of paper I had got soaked with urine.
And then, they wake me up at 7:30 am. The one is puking directly on my couch fabric, and the other is FLIPPING out, barking really loudly and biting and scratching me. So I had to go upstairs, there was nothing to wear as everything was in the wash and I was sleeping naked...the dog was still biting and scratching my bare legs furiously, so I threw on the only thing I saw, which was my mother's red nightgown, and took them to the yard. -_- What a way to wake up.
On the plus side, the nightgown was NOT flattering on me at all. You could really see how my body has changed on T. My shoulders are broad, hips are gone, so it hangs not so nicely. My chest has softened and has a new shape so you could even really see them with the way the nightgown hung, all you could see was some chest stubble. Lol.
I got the picture, nothing sexy about a guy in a woman's nightgown! :icon_ballbounce:
Quote from: Shantel on March 29, 2013, 09:31:10 AM
I got the picture, nothing sexy about a guy in a woman's nightgown! :icon_ballbounce:
Lol, yeah, I'm glad no one saw me. I imagine they'd give me the same look as my (not-so-excited-about-my-transition grandma) gave me yesterday when she saw my hairy legs for the first time.
Quote from: Caleb. on March 29, 2013, 09:35:27 AM
Lol, yeah, I'm glad no one saw me. I imagine they'd give me the same look as my (not-so-excited-about-my-transition grandma) gave me yesterday when she saw my hairy legs for the first time.
Grandma's aren't known for their progressive thinking!
I found out a couple of days ago that my new place won't be ready for me to move in next week, the previous tenant hasn't handed the keys back so they have to do an abandonment order & it will take a month for that to go through.
Because I thought i'd be moving & able to get a proper broadband connection in the next week or so I didn't bother topping up my dongle as it would have been a waste of money & my credit runs out at midnight, this means I can't get online unless i use the hostel PC's for the next week, bummer
Tumblr's down. :(
A burst pipe
Same things that usually make me unhappy, coming down sick, bouts of insomnia, financial issues, severe depression and dark thoughts
Whatever...
Quote from: V M on March 30, 2013, 02:09:06 PM
Same things that usually make me unhappy, coming down sick, bouts of insomnia, financial issues, severe depression and dark thoughts
Whatever...
Hang in there sweetie, we love you hon!
Himself is under the weather, and I can't help him. I know it's not a big problem, but it's so frustrating when I can't just make it better.
Something that's been bugging me the whole day, i was just randomly watching Glee and it had a very transphobic scene. i was super pissed off, so much for LGBT friendly more like LGB friendly i guess.
I bought a bag of apples, but all of them are really bruised.
Quote from: Donna Troy on March 31, 2013, 12:08:13 AM
Something that's been bugging me the whole day, i was just randomly watching Glee and it had a very transphobic scene. i was super pissed off, so much for LGBT friendly more like LGB friendly i guess.
Hollywood seems to enjoy skewing things away from reality.
Think I might've been sirred.
Hoping I was mistaken, but I nevertheless feel in a dark mood now.
I got called "Sir" 5 times. If I had the power of Pyrokinesis, there would have been 4 piles of ash around town today. First time I've been called Sir so many times in 2 years.
I am getting so close to just changing my name, even though I have had it for 4 years now. I go on tumblr and I see every possible retarded variation of "Caleb" for trans names and I honestly think it's going to end up outing me in the future.
Quote from: Caleb. on April 01, 2013, 03:06:29 AM
I am getting so close to just changing my name, even though I have had it for 4 years now. I go on tumblr and I see every possible retarded variation of "Caleb" for trans names and I honestly think it's going to end up outing me in the future.
What would you change it to?
Quote from: Keaira on April 01, 2013, 03:19:12 AM
What would you change it to?
Maybe my middle name, because I haven't seen it used all that frequently...yet. Either that or something extraordinarily common amongst cis guys.
just not Bob please. ;)
Quote from: Caleb. on April 01, 2013, 03:48:35 AM
Maybe my middle name, because I haven't seen it used all that frequently...yet. Either that or something extraordinarily common amongst cis guys.
My parents' original goal in naming me was to come up with an uncommon-common name. Something that everyone would have heard of, and maybe know one of, but that there would only be one of in a room. I think they were on to something.
Just some unsolicited advice. :P
Quote from: Caleb. on April 01, 2013, 03:48:35 AM
Quote from: Keaira on April 01, 2013, 03:19:12 AM
What would you change it to?
Maybe my middle name, because I haven't seen it used all that frequently...yet. Either that or something extraordinarily common amongst cis guys.
Keep in mind it's probably only popular on the net. Unless you hang out in a community with a ton of trans folk, you probably won't come across it. Aidan is said to be the most popular trans guy name, but if I meet a guy named Aidan, I'm not going to assume he's trans. The only thing I think could be outting is when guys choose names popular only for babies or little kids right now. If Caleb isn't a trendy name for people a lot younger than you, it shouldn't cause a problem.
Oh, and I think Caleb suits you a little more than your middle name. But don't let me sway your decision.
Quote from: androgynoid on April 01, 2013, 11:56:43 AM
Oh, and I think Caleb suits you a little more than your middle name. But don't let me sway your decision.
I agree. And if you change it you'll just have to fight all over again to get family to call you by the new name and I think it shows a lack of commitment myself. When I was in school, all my life there were at least 2-3 David's in my class., at EVERY school. I didn't hate that name because it was over used. it just wasn't a girls name.
It's not that it's overused, it's that I see a million people now spelling it in the most stupid ways possible. I mean, something like "Kaleb" is cool, cause that's how it was originally spelled, but I hate that I have a "trans name."
But NSFA you're probably right. Half of people don't even know how to pronounce Caleb, lol. So. I guess it's OK. And I have met cisgender Calebs too. I think I was just sensitive last night.
Quote from: Liam Erik on April 01, 2013, 07:11:20 PM
I hate myself. I want to start over.
Big hug! They make something for that. It's called a suitcase. Hugs, Devlyn
Just flat out bored.
Late night chat with my friend who likes me again. She's losing her friends because of me.
Edit: oh, and now her friend is sending me hate mail. *sigh* I have no idea how she got a hold of my email addy. Must have been the university directory.
Quote from: Caleb. on April 01, 2013, 07:08:48 PM
It's not that it's overused, it's that I see a million people now spelling it in the most stupid ways possible. I mean, something like "Kaleb" is cool, cause that's how it was originally spelled, but I hate that I have a "trans name."
But NSFA you're probably right. Half of people don't even know how to pronounce Caleb, lol. So. I guess it's OK. And I have met cisgender Calebs too. I think I was just sensitive last night.
I saw a Kaylob on Tumblr the other night. >.<
Caleb's email hater. I'd like to slap her with a wet kipper :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8XeDvKqI4E (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8XeDvKqI4E)
I was just thinking about Jannie and that I miss her.
I had a nasty dream. I was teaching my classes, and inbetween the two I needed the bathroom. So by habit, without thinking I went in the women's. I realized what I had done, and left and went into the men's next door. A bunch of guys were fighting inside, and i looked in the stall and the toilet was clogged with poop. I then looked down and realized I wasn't binding or wearing anything over my chest.
So I went back to the women's because I had to go so badly and there was no toilet in the men's. A girl leaves a stall and the entire thing is covered in blood, so much that there's no way I could sit down on the toilet to pee and I had no STP. I went back to class and my students had all left, except one who hugged me and cried, saying she wanted a penis but she knew she'd have ugly balls.
Quote from: Caleb. on April 05, 2013, 10:38:19 AM
I had a nasty dream. I was teaching my classes, and inbetween the two I needed the bathroom. So by habit, without thinking I went in the women's. I realized what I had done, and left and went into the men's next door. A bunch of guys were fighting inside, and i looked in the stall and the toilet was clogged with poop. I then looked down and realized I wasn't binding or wearing anything over my chest.
So I went back to the women's because I had to go so badly and there was no toilet in the men's. A girl leaves a stall and the entire thing is covered in blood, so much that there's no way I could sit down on the toilet to pee and I had no STP. I went back to class and my students had all left, except one who hugged me and cried, saying she wanted a penis but she knew she'd have ugly balls.
OMG, that was a nightmare!
Had another reminder that fundamentalists can be found in Paganism, too.
Quote from: Shantel on April 05, 2013, 11:24:34 AM
OMG, that was a nightmare!
It was, lol, it was pretty gross and weird. =/
Quote from: Constance on April 05, 2013, 03:31:24 PM
Had another reminder that fundamentalists can be found in Paganism, too.
Ah, I know of these people. It's an odd reminder, I always find myself surprised but I supposed it makes sense.
I'm unhappy because my dad wasn't very nice to my brothers today, and my one brother has decided he is moving out with a friend. It happened all at once. He may come back, my mom told him not to take all his stuff, but...I don't know. And I heard about it, my dad is being a selfish, thoughtless jerk as usual.
I'm unhappy because my camera is gone forever..
I unfriended a trans woman on FB today.
She's going through a lot, and I really wanted to be able to be there for her. But she's an aficionado of "lolita" dresses and that was starting to bother me. I guess I could've just unsubscribed from her News feed, but I unfriended her instead.
My left hip (The one I fell on when I slipped on the ice over this past winter) is hurtin' like a B---- today!!!
The amount of barker's eggs in my back street,you have to play hopscotch so as not to step in one
This morning has been my first day out since last Tuesday due to a sprained ankle so I went to the shop to get some essentials.
I'm carefully climbing the stairs (I live in a first floor apartment in a block) when the sound of a letter box being slammed shut startles me, I slip on the second step from the top, overbalance, fall down stairs, and sprain my ankle.. again.
And it *&$%£& well hurts.
Quote from: StellaB on April 06, 2013, 06:07:21 AM
This morning has been my first day out since last Tuesday due to a sprained ankle so I went to the shop to get some essentials.
I'm carefully climbing the stairs (I live in a first floor apartment in a block) when the sound of a letter box being slammed shut startles me, I slip on the second step from the top, overbalance, fall down stairs, and sprain my ankle.. again.
And it *&$%£& well hurts.
Auntie Shan hugs ((((Stella!)))))
Could barely get out of bed or walk when I woke up today :-\ I put some Golden Dragon medicated oil on my hip and lower back and that seems to be helping a bit
It just seems like if it isn't one thing it's another and it all just depresses the hell out of me :(
Note: Tucking your stuff directly after applying the medicated oil is not recommended but will definitely wake you up :P
Quote from: V M on April 06, 2013, 04:37:36 PM
Could barely get out of bed or walk when I woke up today :-\ I put some Golden Dragon medicated oil on my hip and lower back and that seems to be helping a bit
It just seems like if it isn't one thing it's another and it all just depresses the hell out of me :(
Note: Tucking your stuff directly after applying the medicated oil is not recommended but will definitely wake you up :P
Poor kid, you're not having a good day! Never unzip and pee when you're insulating with rock wool, it will destroy your day!
Quote from: Shantel on April 06, 2013, 04:44:04 PM
Poor kid, you're not having a good day! Never unzip and pee when you're insulating with rock wool, it will destroy your day!
I'm sure you're just itching to tell us about it!
Another nice shopping trip to my local Goodwill store & always the same thing. I fine something I really like & think this will fit/my size. After returning home as always maybe 1/4 of the clothes I bought are too small. Why can I not realize I'm a big girl, size 14 & just purchase size 14 & leave the size 12 clothes alone???
Same thing with shoes. I'm size 10 medium. Sometimes I find a nice pair of shoes size 9 1/2 & purchase them thinking maybe my big feet have shrunk. You know the ending.
Maybe one day I'll learn.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on April 06, 2013, 05:11:57 PM
I'm sure you're just itching to tell us about it!
You really think that's necessary? :eusa_naughty:
The other thing that bothered me was feeling insulted by the peculiar assumptions and strange behavior of someone I consider a friend :'(
Quote from: V M on April 06, 2013, 08:25:50 PM
The other thing that bothered me was feeling insulted by the peculiar assumptions and strange behavior of someone I consider a friend :'(
Maybe it's time to confront that person and find out what the problem is? Not everyone can do that, I am a confrontational type and it has paid to get to the truth.
I lost someone today that I had considered a friend years ago. He plummeted to his death while with his friends just moments after getting some great news about not being homeless anymore. RIP Andy Duke.
Quote from: Shantel on April 06, 2013, 08:38:08 PM
Maybe it's time to confront that person and find out what the problem is? Not everyone can do that, I am a confrontational type and it has paid to get to the truth.
I'm not confrontational type, if hurting my feelings makes them feel big, that's their problem not mine
Quote from: sigmafan on April 06, 2013, 09:15:07 PM
I lost someone today that I had considered a friend years ago. He plummeted to his death while with his friends just moments after getting some great news about not being homeless anymore. RIP Andy Duke.
Hugs sigmafan :'( Sorry for your loss
Hugs sigmafan,my Mum passed away yesterday on her 87th birthday.
One of my croissants was too dry because it did not have enough butter on it.
Quote from: V M on April 06, 2013, 09:40:09 PM
I'm not confrontational type, if hurting my feelings makes them feel big, that's their problem not mine
I understand you somewhat (personal conflict makes me physically ill) but that saying, friends aren't people who intentionally hurt your feelings. Sometimes you do have to make a point or confront an issue.
I'd also see their assumptions and behaviour more as a statement about them and their issues rather than about you. There's no need to accept responsibility for their issues.
Hope something happens which makes you feel better.
Sigmafan, Big Kim, I'm sorry about your losses. Big hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: sigmafan on April 06, 2013, 09:15:07 PM
I lost someone today that I had considered a friend years ago. He plummeted to his death while with his friends just moments after getting some great news about not being homeless anymore. RIP Andy Duke.
It's sad about Andy, ((Hugs)) we never know about what goes on in other people's minds and it's so traumatizing to everyone when a friend takes their own life.
Thanks Devlyn
Quote from: Shantel on April 07, 2013, 08:48:52 AM
It's sad about Andy, ((Hugs)) we never know about what goes on in other people's minds and it's so traumatizing to everyone when a friend takes their own life.
The report says that he was hiking with his friends at night around 1am and he slipped and fell 50 feet to his death. At least he was doing something he loved with friends. On another thread in which he was one of the main posters, the RIP thread is 7 pages long. That just goes to show you how many people cared about him and how grief struck people were when he died unexpectedly.
"Former Mouseketeer Annette Funicello dies!"
Oh this is heartbreaking! I used to run home from school as a kid so I could watch the Mickey Mouse Club and see her, I had a huge crush on that sweet little lady. :'(
I go to see a friend only to have him be too busy and then I log on to my account here to realize that he changed my photograph and name and I don't know how to change it back :'( :'(
Quote from: Saison Marguerite on April 08, 2013, 05:01:22 PM
I go to see a friend only to have him be too busy and then I log on to my account here to realize that he changed my photograph and name and I don't know how to change it back :'( :'(
That's what you get, Saison Marguerite. For saying "how do you say" before words you CLEARLY know how to say. :P
The amount of people with almost total amnesia who have come out of the woodwork after the death of Margaret Thatcher telling everyone just what a great leader she was.
She harboured the right wing Chilean dictator Pinochet.
She refused to acknowledge the ANC and her support of apartheid delayed its downfall.
She set up a political ideology which villified the jobless and was totally indifferent to the struggles of the poor and sick.
She was hardly open to the LGBT community either.
Agreed that this was the death of somebody's mother and one of Britain's better politicians and for those two reasons alone she deserves to be mourned. I do not feel any joy or sense of celebration because somebody died.
However great leaders serve the people of a country and whether she intended it so or not, I'm sorry but she fell short of the mark.
I must start by saying that I'm saddened at the passing of Baroness Thatcher - the greatest peacetime British Prime Minister of the 20th C - and by the undignified behaviour of certain quarters of British society in response to her death. I'm deeply ashamed that there were people in my home town who took to the streets and actually partied on hearing of the passing of an 87-year-old grandmother.
Now on to what really upset me today: I went to my boss to talk to him about a business trip I need to make in a few weeks' time. It's a five-hour drive away so he suggested that I should leave really early in the morning to get there in time to do a full days' work. I wasn't happy about this because I just can't sleep the night before doing anything that isn't part of my routine. I have Asperger's which means I need my days to be predictable, otherwise I get huge levels of anxiety that stress me out & leave me with insomnia the night before. This is a problem for me whenever my routine is disrupted: I even struggle to sleep every Friday & Sunday due to the change from working week to weekend and vice versa.
So I said I'd prefer to leave the day before and stay there overnight so that I'll be fresh & ready for my early morning start, because otherwise I wouldn't get any sleep and would have trouble thinking straight. He said OK... but then 20 minutes later he confronted me in front of my colleagues and demanded I explain exactly why I would find it so difficult to sleep the night before.
So, in front of my colleagues, I had to humiliate myself by explaining once again the nature of my disability and how it affects my anxiety levels. He knows I'm disabled and I've told him many times before how difficult it is for me to cope when my routine is disrupted... but he forced me to humiliate myself anyway because he thought I was just taking the mickey & wanted an extra night's free hotel accommodation on his dime. :(
I'm sure there's a hashtag for this somewhere... ;)
Quote from: FTMDiaries on April 09, 2013, 08:38:15 AM
I must start by saying that I'm saddened at the passing of Baroness Thatcher - the greatest peacetime British Prime Minister of the 20th C - and by the undignified behaviour of certain quarters of British society in response to her death. I'm deeply ashamed that there were people in my home town who took to the streets and actually partied on hearing of the passing of an 87-year-old grandmother.
She was a great lady and could hold her own in the male dominated parliament. I enjoyed videos of how she engaged naysayers, she was the mistress of smackdown and intelligent debate.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on April 09, 2013, 08:38:15 AM
So, in front of my colleagues, I had to humiliate myself by explaining once again the nature of my disability and how it affects my anxiety levels. He knows I'm disabled and I've told him many times before how difficult it is for me to cope when my routine is disrupted... but he forced me to humiliate myself anyway because he thought I was just taking the mickey & wanted an extra night's free hotel accommodation on his dime. :(
I'm sure there's a hashtag for this somewhere... ;)
He gets the award for being an insensitive dork!
I've been trying to offer emotional support to many of the people in this hostel who are suffering depression & the thanks I got was to have my PSP & money stolen!
The PSP had pictures of an old dog who passed away & those pictures cannot be replaced.
In spite of this I still have my heart set on becoming a support worker to help people in this kind of situation (no home/depression/drug problems etc), i've just filled out an application for a training course & i'm in the process of trying to set up an all inclusive trans support group (FTM & MTF) for my home town & one of the support workers is trying to help with finding a venue & financial support for this.
thinking about how sick and tired I am of looking in the mirror and seeing nothing but an ugly thing trying too hard to look like what they're not.
Quote from: Jaime R D on April 09, 2013, 09:25:43 AM
thinking about how sick and tired I am of looking in the mirror and seeing nothing but an ugly thing trying too hard to look like what they're not.
You've got nothing to cry about Jaime, I'd trade faces with you any day and then you'd be bawling all the time. I just look and think to myself "Who's that ugly mf!" ;D Without humor there is only pain and tears. :eusa_wall:
Oddly enough, not really seeing any humor in it at this time.
Quote from: Jaime R D on April 09, 2013, 11:41:30 AM
Oddly enough, not really seeing any humor in it at this time.
Perhaps you have misunderstood me, I am referring to my own face, you wouldn't want it. Anyway, hope your day gets better hon!
Quote from: couch tater on April 09, 2013, 09:25:43 AM
thinking about how sick and tired I am of looking in the mirror and seeing nothing but an ugly thing trying too hard to look like what they're not.
Well, if the picture you posted a few weeks back is any indication, you've got no ugly. I would love to look like you.
But I do know what it's like not to like what you see in the mirror.
Please accept a hug.
Quote from: Shantel on April 09, 2013, 09:04:10 AM
He gets the award for being an insensitive dork!
Y'know, I'd love to give him just such an award, but he's already earned so many of them that I doubt he has room for another. His mantelpiece probably looks like Steven Spielberg's. :P
Grmmbl. Everyone gets the same Decapeptyl shot regardless of body mass - so obviously, a tall solid person like me needs their shot more often than a short person of slight build, but we all get it at 12-weekly intervals. Which means I have to put up with 2-3 weeks of getting horribly horny before my shot is due.
I'm going to persuade my GP to test my T level before my shot, so I can see whether it's psychological or biochemical, e cause it seems to me they should take this into account, if it's really happening, so I need evidence first. Meanwhile, my next shot is due a week from now, and I'm horribly priapic, and I hate it.
I work in a prosperous town that has a high percentage of over-entitled people... you know the sort, the ones who think they can click their fingers and all the 'little people' will jump to do their bidding.
Well, at lunchtime I was standing in the queue in a local coffee shop, minding my own business. A well-heeled older couple came in & started perusing the sandwiches in the cooler to my right. The lady from that couple eventually chose a sandwich from the cooler... and suddenly pushed into the queue in front of me!
Homey don't play dat.
So I politely said to her: "Excuse me, but I'm in the queue". She just said "Yes", turned around and carried on as if I hadn't said anything! I figured she must've thought I'd asked whether she was in the queue, so I clarified by saying: "No, actually I am in the queue - you need to wait behind me".
She huffed and went to stand behind me, soon to be joined by her husband. But then she started inching steadily forwards so that by the time I was the next in line to be served, she was standing ever so slightly in front of me again!
So I turned to her and said: "Lady, could you please stand behind me in the queue, you're starting to freak me out!" She said: "Oh, I'm not trying to push in front of you, I'm just looking at the cakes on the cash desk". (Suuure you are, lady!) So I came back with: "That may be so, but you know what? I'm autistic... and having people behave in unpredictable ways makes me feel very uncomfortable, and we don't stand side-by-side in queues in this country, do we? You're freaking me out, so please move back to your proper place in the queue".
She did. But the whole confrontation left me feeling very out-of-sorts for the next few hours.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on April 10, 2013, 10:33:46 AM
I turned to her and said: "Lady, could you please stand behind me in the queue, you're starting to freak me out!" She said: "Oh, I'm not trying to push in front of you, I'm just looking at the cakes on the cash desk". (Suuure you are, lady!) So I came back with: "That may be so, but you know what? I'm autistic... and having people behave in unpredictable ways makes me feel very uncomfortable, and we don't stand side-by-side in queues in this country, do we? You're freaking me out, so please move back to your proper place in the queue".
She did. But the whole confrontation left me feeling very out-of-sorts for the next few hours.
I can so relate to this....I was at the grocery store in front of the cashier at the check-out aisle. This tall moron came up and stood right behind me, the toes of his shoes almost touching my heels. I have raging PTSD issues from walking sweep, that's the last person in a column on a patrol in a war zone, so the last thing you want is to find out someone is behind you. So I turned around and told him that was a hell of a good way to get his ass kicked. You'd think that people would realize there is a certain personal comfort zone that you don't encroach upon. Ergo the designation "Moron" for him. :icon_bat:
Quote from: Shantel on April 10, 2013, 11:12:55 AM
I was at the grocery store in front of the cashier at the check-out aisle. This tall moron came up and stood right behind me, the toes of his shoes almost touching my heels. I have raging PTSD issues from walking sweep.
Ugh! What a jerk. Some people have absolutely no consideration for other people, do they? *Hugs*
If that moron freaked you out, don't ever go shopping in South Africa. Certain cultures in SA have absolutely
no concept of personal space, and if I had a penny for each time I've been barged into from behind whilst standing in a supermarket queue I'd be able to retire to my own private island. The worst one for me? Obese women pressing their breasts into my back, deliberately pushing me forwards to hurry me along. It makes my skin crawl just thinking about it.
I don't even know anymore.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on April 10, 2013, 11:31:53 AM
The worst one for me? Obese women pressing their breasts into my back, deliberately pushing me forwards to hurry me along. It makes my skin crawl just thinking about it.
Yeah, that one would really creep me out for sure!
Dentist. :(
Having my fiancée have to go back up north this morning, and the aftereffects of my flu shot. Yes, Cindy I did as I was told and got one. No whips will be needed. :laugh:
Having to work with some very badly designed software. I swear, there must be some psychopaths in the software design field.
What's the first thing we learn when we study software design? User experience. C'mon people, it isn't that hard.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on April 11, 2013, 10:16:33 AM
What's the first thing we learn when we study software design? User experience. C'mon people, it isn't that hard.
This is one of my biggest challenges as a support tech. Marketing tells engineering what features should be added. Only after much gnashing and weeping of teeth from the customer and customer support team does the user experience get taken into consideration.
Quote from: Constance on April 11, 2013, 10:49:32 AM
This is one of my biggest challenges as a support tech. Marketing tells engineering what features should be added. Only after much gnashing and weeping of teeth from the customer and customer support team does the user experience get taken into consideration.
Steve Jobs put it very nicely when he said that Apple's philosophy is about coming up with new user experiences for their customers and then designing their products with those needs in mind so that the purchase will be a no-brainer. Whereas a lot of other tech companies tend to devise whizzy new gadgets and then try to find a way to convince customers to buy them.
If only more tech companies could think like Apple.
And, as usual, it's all because of budget priorities.
In large software projects usability is a feature. And it's not one many upper-level management types are willing to pay for. Thus we low-caste grunts spend our time making Features That Sell, and the UI ends up as a slapped-on excuse at the end.
On the other hand, when you spend all your time making UI (with marketing in the lead design role), you get Windows 8. :(
Quote from: ZoeM on April 11, 2013, 11:03:23 AM
In large software projects usability is a feature. And it's not one many upper-level management types are willing to pay for.
The real irony is that UI may be a feature they don't want to pay for, but it's the one that keeps the pundits coming back for more. If you fail to consider the user's experience, they may still buy your software for its features. But they'll buy it
once.
This is what made me unhappy on my birthday: I found that my friend, who had met me before my ex and knows that he is abusive, had added him on facebook. "Oh, it's just facebook. It doesn't mean anything." Yes, but why would she even add him? I don't know what they're relationship is and he has threatened to turn everyone against me before. "She can be friends with who she wants." Yep and I wouldn't have stopped her, but I would have cut her off. "It's unfair to make her choose between you." No, what's unfair is expecting me to put that before my safety. She took him off and apologized after I told her how unsafe and hurt I felt and pointed out that I would never add her abusive ex on facebook. (Yep, she was in the exact same boat as me and she still thought that was ok). So she apologized right? I should forget about it. Actually, I can't. I don't know if I can trust her. If I trusted everyone who apologized, I'd probably be dead by now.
(This also isn't the first hurtful thing she's done.)
My own stupidity made me unhappy today (lol technically yesterday since it's so late now). I was wicked tired and since I had an event all day I had to take the last commuter rail train home; I set the alarm on my phone to go off one stop before mine that way I could doze off while on the ride. But, for some reason when I heard a stop that is two stops before mine I thought it would be a great idea to turn the alarm off (why? ??? ) and then fell back asleep. >:( So, I slept through the next stop and didn't wake up til the announcement said "now departing X" my stop! Ah! So, I had to get off two stops later, and take a cab back to my stop just so I could get my car and drive home. ::)
Luckily, I had an awesome cabbie and he cut the timer/mileage thing off a bit early so I had a slightly cheaper ride there, and he told me he once was supposed to get off a train in Manhattan but fell asleep and didn't wake up until he was in Albany (so I am glad I wasn't on the Amtrak today! I'd probably have slept through to New Haven).
Watching my computer slowly die because of a faulty PSU grrr. I think I got about 2 months before the thing poops out for sure.
No solution to the back hair dilemma.
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***Sigh***
Quote from: suzifrommd on April 12, 2013, 08:06:45 PM
No solution to the back hair dilemma.
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***Sigh***
Is it going to be a case for laser? Had a friend in the military who had hair coming up his neck from his chest and back that stuck up out of his T shirt. Poor guy, he hated it because he felt that it was a detriment to being considered for a promotion. You're not alone, some mighty hairy girls have had it all cleared off and now look so sexy and feminine, you can do it hon!
Quote from: suzifrommd on April 12, 2013, 08:06:45 PM
No solution to the back hair dilemma.
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***Sigh***
I posted a reply.
I wish certain people who call themselves my friends would stop thinking they can treat me however they like.
I wish I could correct misinformation without being accused of "talking down" to someone. Why does it have to be about them? Why can't it be about knowledge is power, learning is fun, and misinformation gets in the way? Since when did knowledge and learning become a bad thing?
I also wish people would stop using double standards for me. Worse, I wish people would stop expecting me to use the same double standards for myself. I'm not going to.
Quote from: Constance on April 11, 2013, 10:49:32 AM
This is one of my biggest challenges as a support tech. Marketing tells engineering what features should be added. Only after much gnashing and weeping of teeth from the customer and customer support team does the user experience get taken into consideration.
Gotta wonder about those "weeping teeth"!!
Whilst walking my Poopie a staffie ran at him & started a fight, Poopie pinned the staffie & I ran over to break it up, I slipped in the mud & as I got up the bloke pulled an extendable police baton & threatened to smash Poopies head in!!
I've reported it to the police but I doubt they'll do anything.
I've got a large bump on my wrist & it hurts like hell where I slipped but as I can move my hand I know it's not too serious
Quote from: Mellysia (Melly) on April 12, 2013, 12:59:51 AM
Watching my computer slowly die because of a faulty PSU grrr. I think I got about 2 months before the thing poops out for sure.
Buy a new one? PSUs of 350-400w are only, what, $30? $20?
A song that made me think of a professor who passed away came on itunes.
I miss her and I wish she was still with us.
Kind of silly but was working on a project for one of my hobbies and ran into a wall...uh figuratively and that frustrated me and therefore made me unhappy.
The death of a close friend the same age as me.
One day you're chatting on the phone for hours....
.. next day he's dead.
Life is short. VERY short.
Quote from: StellaB on April 15, 2013, 01:17:20 PM
The death of a close friend the same age as me.
One day you're chatting on the phone for hours....
.. next day he's dead.
Life is short. VERY short.
Shan hugs Stella, we never know when it's time to go do we love!
First & foremost, Boston. :(
But more personally, my boss is messing me around a lot at the moment; he's treating me less favourably than my colleagues. Whether it's because of my disability or being trans I don't know, but either way it's doing my head in. It's making it difficult for me to cope, and I really don't need this when I'm trying to keep myself together for my GIC appointment.
Bleh. Why can't people just follow Wheaton's Law?
Well it was a given for me to wake up to the news about the Boston bombings. I am just so sick and tired of whenever I listen to the news there is something horrible going on in the world. The insanity is getting worse I think.
On a more personal note though I have pretty bad body dysphoria issues, and just could not bare to look at myself in the mirror. Some days are better then others but for the last couple of days it has been like this.
My so-called friend is now giving me the silent treatment. 'Cause that's real mature.
Know what I did that apparently deserves this? Xe said something about "we might discover the gene that causes Down syndrome" and I said that Down syndrome is caused by an extra 21st chromosome due to nondisjunction. Oh how horrible of me.
Quote from: Edge on April 16, 2013, 02:13:15 PM
My so-called friend is now giving me the silent treatment. 'Cause that's real mature.
Know what I did that apparently deserves this? Xe said something about "we might discover the gene that causes Down syndrome" and I said that Down syndrome is caused by an extra 21st chromosome due to nondisjunction. Oh how horrible of me.
LOL. I am sorry, but that is so funny. I'm glad you corrected them. :P
I think my mom knows. :(
At the post office, passing like a boss with a side of cute casual flirting with the girl next to me. Then my mail outs me >:( why does "miss" have to be scrawled all over everything ::) And it was so awkward after, painfully awkward :(
I finally got a shotgun. After the bombings, it being yet another bit of insanity, I finally gave in and decided that it was time to have one. It also proved how much of my life is linked to my drivers license, the only bit of documentation I am having a hell of a time getting changed over to my new name and gender. *sigh*
Quote from: Prof HB on April 16, 2013, 03:48:33 PM
LOL. I am sorry, but that is so funny. I'm glad you corrected them. :P
I'm glad someone is glad. It's causing unnecessary drama for me during my final exams and will probably result in the loss of yet another friend which I shall probably get the blame for. Seriously, is it too much to ask that my friends treat me how they want to be treated?
Quote from: Edge on April 17, 2013, 11:41:29 AM
I'm glad someone is glad. It's causing unnecessary drama for me during my final exams and will probably result in the loss of yet another friend which I shall probably get the blame for. Seriously, is it too much to ask that my friends treat me how they want to be treated?
Nope!
This guy I went out with a couple times just isn't responding to attempts at communication whatsoever.
I mean, whatever right... It just bothers me that I don't know why, I guess.
Feeling a lil' lonely I suppose, as is usual. I must be something terrible at creating enjoyable interaction with humans.
I feel like hrt can never come some enough...but I'm not sure the assessor is going to give me the okay because my experiences are not within the norm of trans people's experiences of their gender identity...eg. I didn't "always know", nor did I "hate" my puberty...
And this makes me doubt how I feel inside and it makes me think I'm just making up the fact that I have dysphoria... :(
It just prolongs my suffering because of my dysphoria...and I know hrt will take months for me to get my desired effects...
I'm at a total loss of what to do...
-Skye
Quote from: Kelly J. P. on April 18, 2013, 12:20:56 AM
I mean, whatever right... It just bothers me that I don't know why, I guess.
I should think the reason is obvious: The dude has lousy taste in dates. Wouldn't know an interesting person if he fell over one.
Quote from: Sky-Blue on April 18, 2013, 12:30:35 AM
I feel like hrt can never come some enough...but I'm not sure the assessor is going to give me the okay because my experiences are not within the norm of trans people's experiences of their gender identity...eg. I didn't "always know", nor did I "hate" my puberty...
And this makes me doubt how I feel inside and it makes me think I'm just making up the fact that I have dysphoria... :(
It just prolongs my suffering because of my dysphoria...and I know hrt will take months for me to get my desired effects...
I'm at a total loss of what to do...
-Skye
Skye, it's important to understand that hrt is not a privilege afforded only to those whose life fits a fixed narrative. The WPATH guidelines are very specific about it:
QuoteIt is important for mental health professionals to recognize that decisions about hormones are first
and foremost the client's decisions
(from http://www.wpath.org/documents/Standards%20of%20Care%20V7%20-%202011%20WPATH.pdf (http://www.wpath.org/documents/Standards%20of%20Care%20V7%20-%202011%20WPATH.pdf), bottom paragraph on page 25).
Don't be shy about showing this to your therapist if necessary.
This has been a horrible week. First that bombing, then a fertilizer plant explosion... So many casualties. :(
Quote from: suzifrommd on April 18, 2013, 08:04:11 AM
Skye, it's important to understand that hrt is not a privilege afforded only to those whose life fits a fixed narrative. The WPATH guidelines are very specific about it:(from http://www.wpath.org/documents/Standards%20of%20Care%20V7%20-%202011%20WPATH.pdf (http://www.wpath.org/documents/Standards%20of%20Care%20V7%20-%202011%20WPATH.pdf), bottom paragraph on page 25).
Don't be shy about showing this to your therapist if necessary.
Okay, thanks :)
What's going to suck is having to spend $500 on JUST the assessment...I wish there was an easier way...
Not actually unhappy. More pissed off.
Everything was difficult at work. It started to rain when I was cycling home. I went to the pharmacy to get my Ts for tomorrow and the damn umbrella was so not cooperating with me.
It took me the whole day to realise it's because my T shot is tomorrow.
In other words, my hormone levels must be a mess.
Enough of a mess I smashed an extension pole to look more like a banana because IT JUST DIDN'T WORK.
My dad begins to talk to himself the moment he wakes up. Loudly. And does so all day, except when he's on the phone. -_- Shaddup. I has work to do.
There's a waitlist at the speech therapy group in my area that works with transgender women to develop their voice. They can't tell me how long the wait will be.
Just depressed.
My mother doesn't appreciate me, feels like hell :'(.
A certain transguy's tumblr page isn't there anymore. It seems like a lot of the guys I have subscribed to don't make videos anymore, including the guys that talks about how sprituality plays in them being trans or their size. A lot of them have even taken their videos down. I can't blame them but it looks like I have to find more guys then, which is hard because I'm very picky as to who I subscribe to.
Toothache.
UGGGGH STUPID GAMERS! I was playing Black Ops and got the last two kills. I jumped from the truck and unloaded my clip. It was perfect and that's never going to happen again....so I was celebrating but no the stupid host dashboards before the the stuff could be registered. I just shut my ps3 off. I'm angry right now.
I hate my life...
My teenage daughter laid into me with both barrels last night when I got back from the GIC. :(
She tends to bully & emotionally abuse me, so I'd decided not to tell my family in advance exactly when I'd be attending the GIC because I wanted to keep my stress levels to a minimum. So I told them when I got home last night. And boy, did my daughter ever react badly.
(Trigger warning): My daughter told me that I'm disgusting. She said that when I wake up from surgery I'll be all on my own because there's no way any of my family will be there to support me (I doubt this is actually true, though). She said that nobody will ever want me and that I will die lonely & alone. She also threatened me with physical violence, even going so far as to approach me with both fists up. If her Dad hadn't been standing right behind her, I do believe she would've become violent. (End trigger warning)
Y'know, the last thing the therapist did at the end of our appointment was to give me a hug and tell me to take care of myself. That hug got me through what my daughter said last night.
I know that this is just her age speaking; that this is how a hormonal 15-year-old girl copes with the emotional turmoil of one of her parents transitioning. I know that in 10 years time she'll be much more mature and she'll look back on all this in an entirely different light. Still doesn't make it easy to listen to, though.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on April 19, 2013, 05:59:17 AM
My teenage daughter laid into me with both barrels last night when I got back from the GIC. :(
She tends to bully & emotionally abuse me, so I'd decided not to tell my family in advance exactly when I'd be attending the GIC because I wanted to keep my stress levels to a minimum. So I told them when I got home last night. And boy, did my daughter ever react badly.
(Trigger warning): My daughter told me that I'm disgusting. She said that when I wake up from surgery I'll be all on my own because there's no way any of my family will be there to support me (I doubt this is actually true, though). She said that nobody will ever want me and that I will die lonely & alone. She also threatened me with physical violence, even going so far as to approach me with both fists up. If her Dad hadn't been standing right behind her, I do believe she would've become violent. (End trigger warning)
Y'know, the last thing the therapist did at the end of our appointment was to give me a hug and tell me to take care of myself. That hug got me through what my daughter said last night.
I know that this is just her age speaking; that this is how a hormonal 15-year-old girl copes with the emotional turmoil of one of her parents transitioning. I know that in 10 years time she'll be much more mature and she'll look back on all this in an entirely different light. Still doesn't make it easy to listen to, though.
*hugs*
Neither one of my teenage daughters acted that way. But then again, I can barely get either one of them to use the right pronouns. Still, I know how much you must have hurt after that. And I'm sorry that she treated you that way.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on April 19, 2013, 05:59:17 AM
My teenage daughter laid into me with both barrels last night when I got back from the GIC. :(
Y'know, the last thing the therapist did at the end of our appointment was to give me a hug and tell me to take care of myself. That hug got me through what my daughter said last night. Yes, (((Hugs))) take care of yourself dear!
I know that this is just her age speaking; that this is how a hormonal 15-year-old girl copes with the emotional turmoil of one of her parents transitioning. I know that in 10 years time she'll be much more mature and she'll look back on all this in an entirely different light. Still doesn't make it easy to listen to, though. You're right, kids don't want to understand any disruption of how they perceive their mom and dad family dynamics, it's their sense of security that is under internal attack. She has no choice but to get over it eventually.
A migraine which knocked me out for about 6 hours. Only just recovered.
My so-called "friend" who was giving me the silent treatment sent me a message to say we are no longer friends. That's all fine with me since xe has been a total dick to me, but what really bugs me is that xe feels totally justified in treating me like crap. I wish that, for once, people would see something wrong with that.
People are just dumb. Is this the same person who got offended when you corrected them on the Down Syndrome thing?
Quote from: Edge on April 19, 2013, 04:25:47 PM
My so-called "friend" who was giving me the silent treatment sent me a message to say we are no longer friends. That's all fine with me since xe has been a total dick to me, but what really bugs me is that xe feels totally justified in treating me like crap. I wish that, for once, people would see something wrong with that.
How old is this person? ::)
Quote from: Prof HB on April 19, 2013, 05:19:26 PM
People are just dumb. Is this the same person who got offended when you corrected them on the Down Syndrome thing?
Yes.
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on April 19, 2013, 05:20:24 PM
How old is this person? ::)
26
Quote from: Edge on April 19, 2013, 05:25:17 PM
Quote from: Prof HB on April 19, 2013, 05:19:26 PM
People are just dumb. Is this the same person who got offended when you corrected them on the Down Syndrome thing?
Yes.
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on April 19, 2013, 05:20:24 PM
How old is this person? ::)
26
Yikes. Are they doing remedial courses at the local high school or something?
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on April 19, 2013, 05:34:22 PMYikes. Are they doing remedial courses at the local high school or something?
Nope. Ironically, they posted things about liking knowledge and learning on facebook while they were giving me the silent treatment for being "condescending." (Disclaimer: I didn't say anything beyond what Down's syndrome is caused by, calling myself a nerd, and saying I needed to study for my exams.)
One of my bosses is a complete b****, acting like a 5 year old. ::) She's angry because her secretary is no longer her secretary (she switched over to another attorney at the firm) because of her abusive treatment. Now, since she actually has to do work for once, she's taking her anger out on everyone else, won't talk to her former secretary, and is generally making life at work miserable for everyone. I hate having to sit there and hear her upstairs yelling at her brother because he won't fire the secretary and him yelling back at her for being a mean person. Ugh... perfect time to file stuff in the basement. If I am stuck working for her this summer, I am going to quit, because I don't want to be treated like she treated her secretary over the years.
I also let someone borrow one of my tiny screwdrivers awhile back, and of course it was never returned. I actually needed it tonight and of course it wasn't there. Not happy, I need to stop being nice and letting people borrow stuff.
My dad. He wants to go on a trip with me, and then he says "...we may have to take some extra time between connections. I know what will happen at the airport - what? You say you're male?"
Stupid a-hole. I didn't respond, but he's obviously not aware that I pass in most situations. Besides that, all they care about is that all the documentation matches - in my case, it does, it all has my legal name as well as "male" for sex.
But no, apparently I still look like a lesbian. I hate people. I really, really hate people. They don't get it. And I am getting an increasing amount of hatred for the gays and lesbians in this city. They think they can just casually go "oh hey, we know you're transgender and that's totally fine!" NO. It's not totally fine. You only "spotted" me because some trans people still want to have their alliances with the gay community they came from, if they were "gay" before transition (as in, born female and likes women, or born male and likes men). I didn't spend all this time and money on appointments just to get on T and on a surgeon's waiting list. I did not spend a year on hormones to just look like some super butch lesbian who MUST be trans. I'm not transitioning to look trans, I am transitioning to look male because that's how I was supposed to be born. And I am not transitioning for "trans pride" and to just omg totally have fun at the gay clubs.
The anger's been building over time, and especially over today. The next time some gay or lesbian person comes up to me and feels the need to point out that I'm trans immediately, I am going to call them out on their ignorance. They want to be left alone to love the people they love, and hey, I respect that. but they need to learn to respect that we, as trans people, want to be left the eff alone TO BE OURSELVES.
Quote from: Prof HB on April 19, 2013, 09:09:09 PM
My dad. He wants to go on a trip with me, and then he says "...we may have to take some extra time between connections. I know what will happen at the airport - what? You say you're male?"
Stupid a-hole. I didn't respond, but he's obviously not aware that I pass in most situations. Besides that, all they care about is that all the documentation matches - in my case, it does, it all has my legal name as well as "male" for sex.
But no, apparently I still look like a lesbian. I hate people. I really, really hate people. They don't get it. And I am getting an increasing amount of hatred for the gays and lesbians in this city. They think they can just casually go "oh hey, we know you're transgender and that's totally fine!" NO. It's not totally fine. You only "spotted" me because some trans people still want to have their alliances with the gay community they came from, if they were "gay" before transition (as in, born female and likes women, or born male and likes men). I didn't spend all this time and money on appointments just to get on T and on a surgeon's waiting list. I did not spend a year on hormones to just look like some super butch lesbian who MUST be trans. I'm not transitioning to look trans, I am transitioning to look male because that's how I was supposed to be born. And I am not transitioning for "trans pride" and to just omg totally have fun at the gay clubs.
The anger's been building over time, and especially over today. The next time some gay or lesbian person comes up to me and feels the need to point out that I'm trans immediately, I am going to call them out on their ignorance. They want to be left alone to love the people they love, and hey, I respect that. but they need to learn to respect that we, as trans people, want to be left the eff alone TO BE OURSELVES.
Good rant, and I'll agree with you on that 100% brother!
I think what bothers me the most is that I've always been very, very big into anti-homophobia stuff. I've taught workshops, made pamphlets for centres on campus, spoken outwardly against homophobia even when it meant being rejected by others. And in a way it benefitted me since before I was a "lesbian", but I was aware I was doing it on principle more than anything else. For others.
I also am having period-like cramps. They started yesterday or the day before and I'm ready to rip my skin off. Even if I was cis, I'd never use this garbage inside me. So much hate lol.
Prof HB - I cant stand it when people use that condescending crap,even more when its a parent, and they know what they are saying and they think its perfectly fine to say it. People just dont have any consideration for the other person, I honestly dont think anyone other than another transgendered person really gets it, this includes the glb comunity, and I say this because I dont honestly think the T part of glbt really is part of it if anything it should be GLB-----T if ya know what I mean, because I feel that even in those groups of people we are still outsiders and misunderstood, at least thats how I felt when I went around them. Sorry for the miny rant it just gets under my skin. >:(
Got a toothache from hell. It hurt so bad at one point, I had to go to the bathroom and cry. I didnt want Caleb seeing me like that.
Had a manic week at work and was looking forward to going for a ride on my new bike but we had torrential rain that flooded all over Sydney today. Hope it clears for the morning but forcasts are for more of the same. Only the ducks love it...
Looks like I will have to get my snorkel out instead.
Quote from: Keaira on April 20, 2013, 05:03:45 AM
Got a toothache from hell. It hurt so bad at one point, I had to go to the bathroom and cry. I didnt want Caleb seeing me like that.
I knew you went to cry. :( Not oblivious. *hugs* Poor thing.
I heard the song "Kryptonite" by 3 doors down, which used to remind me how I chose to marry someone who would stick with me through thick and thin.
Except she's dropping me for being transgender and is angry at me for all sorts of things, some of which I can't help and others of which never happened. The song no longer has the uplift it used to. I hope I don't have to drop it from my playlist.
*big bear hug for Suzi* Reminds me of the kinds of friends I attract.
Ticks. I just walked the dog and I've found three on me so far.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on April 20, 2013, 06:14:44 PM
Ticks. I just walked the dog and I've found three on me so far.
Time to get the Deet out!
Time to wish for summer and all its insects to be done with. I like winter.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on April 20, 2013, 06:24:38 PM
Time to wish for summer and all its insects to be done with. I like winter.
Ticks drive me buggy! ;D
My dog is limping and won't put any weight on her back paw. I looked at it to see if anything was trapped inside but no luck, so she is still in pain.
Quote from: Prof HB on April 20, 2013, 08:09:06 PM
My dog is limping and won't put any weight on her back paw. I looked at it to see if anything was trapped inside but no luck, so she is still in pain.
My dog had the same on a front paw and I couldn't find anything wrong, but he wouldn't stop licking it. I finally took him to the vet who said he must have bruised it on something, but had given himself a nasty infection from all the licking. I had to tie a sock on that one leg for a week.
I'm going through a general detox after a bad attack of gout and thought I would do myself some good and have a really healthy smoothie.
So I had one - avocado, broccoli and mixed leaves.
Gah!
Vile wasn't in it. This was like the liquified outer fringes of someone's compost heap. This was like fruits of the forest after all the monkeys had been and gone taking every last berry and nut with them. It was like all those times as a kid when there were veggies on your plate you just couldn't eat all bottled up into one hellish karmic experience.
Not something I'm likely to be doing again in a hurry.
Waking up alone, knowing my GF is in hospital. :'(
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on April 21, 2013, 06:44:25 PM
Waking up alone, knowing my GF is in hospital. :'(
Big hug! Big hug! One for you, one for her.
Sorry to hear about that Kelly :( I hope she'll be alright
Hugs
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on April 21, 2013, 06:44:25 PM
Waking up alone, knowing my GF is in hospital. :'(
What happened Kelly, is she going to be alright?
Thank you for your concern ladies. :-* :-* :-*
She woke up Sunday morning with bad jaundice and abdominal swelling. She has a past history of liver disease - and it's reared it's head once again. The ER docs last night were fairly relaxed about it, which was reassuring. She had a consult with a specialist this morning and he seemed to think it was under control - but was going to do a scan to see what damage there is and how it's changed since her last issue in 2009.
My GF, Alison, and I have oddly similar histories.. Drug abuse, alcohol abuse.. A side order of prostitution. Abuse from partners. And often in similar places at similar times - we are both amazed that we never met before now.
Here's a quirky thing, she's on Spiro - purely as a diuretic.. Gave the ER doc pause when I commented to my GF that my gyno had suggested that I should take it.
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on April 22, 2013, 12:34:55 AM
Thank you for your concern ladies. :-* :-* :-*
She woke up Sunday morning with bad jaundice and abdominal swelling. She has a past history of liver disease - and it's reared it's head once again. The ER docs last night were fairly relaxed about it, which was reassuring. She had a consult with a specialist this morning and he seemed to think it was under control - but was going to do a scan to see what damage there is and how it's changed since her last issue in 2009.
My GF, Alison, and I have oddly similar histories.. Drug abuse, alcohol abuse.. A side order of prostitution. Abuse from partners. And often in similar places at similar times - we are both amazed that we never met before now.
Here's a quirky thing, she's on Spiro - purely as a diuretic.. Gave the ER doc pause when I commented to my GF that my gyno had suggested that I should take it.
Wow, yeah we really pound the hell out of ourselves in the process of growing up don't we? Glad things seem to be on a positive note, stick in there Kelly, she'll love you all the more for it!
I would have to say my sister.... she is always so hostile there is very few times she is at all cominicatable. We'll unles you can loan here money. I think she is mad because I got surgery and not gave her money(sheasked before I left). I really hate how it is with her but evrytime I try ad talk she just shuts me down... I have the glitch about family I wih I knew how to help her... :embarrassed:
Passing is alright, but I'm not happy with meeting minimum standards. I have a tomboyish face, if not an androgynous one, and such a thing does not synergize well with pretty clothing and accessories. It would be nice to be able to wear dresses, beautiful or plain, without looking strange in them, and I would like to dress to draw attention to my face, rather than away from it.
I similarly look strange in high-heels and skirts - I plain-and-simply look the least out-of-place in more everyday styles, such as T-shirts, jeans, hoodies, and an array of other such things.
I may be told that I'm being too harsh on myself, or that drawing attention to myself is something I should enjoy, but I disagree. I'm always as honest as I can be with myself, and I rely on the opinions of the most critical people I know to supplement this. In this honesty, I have realized that to draw attention to myself may not be for the best, because, of the two kinds of attention one will receive - criticism, and approval - I would receive more of the former.
Since my mortal shell leaves much to be desired for the discriminating eye, I dress to draw attention away from myself. I act to the same end, and I have done so for a very long time. This is why I refer to myself as a ghost - because it works, and I really do go unseen by many. I wish things were another way, but wishes do not change reality, as much as I wish they did.
My vanity and selfishness are so apparently great. In time, I hope to resolve all of this... For now, however, I remain the Ghost.
Quote from: Kelly J. P. on April 23, 2013, 08:29:32 PM
Passing is alright, but I'm not happy with meeting minimum standards. I have a tomboyish face, if not an androgynous one, and such a thing does not synergize well with pretty clothing and accessories. It would be nice to be able to wear dresses, beautiful or plain, without looking strange in them, and I would like to dress to draw attention to my face, rather than away from it.
I similarly look strange in high-heels and skirts - I plain-and-simply look the least out-of-place in more everyday styles, such as T-shirts, jeans, hoodies, and an array of other such things.
I may be told that I'm being too harsh on myself, or that drawing attention to myself is something I should enjoy, but I disagree. I'm always as honest as I can be with myself, and I rely on the opinions of the most critical people I know to supplement this. In this honesty, I have realized that to draw attention to myself may not be for the best, because, of the two kinds of attention one will receive - criticism, and approval - I would receive more of the former.
Since my mortal shell leaves much to be desired for the discriminating eye, I dress to draw attention away from myself. I act to the same end, and I have done so for a very long time. This is why I refer to myself as a ghost - because it works, and I really do go unseen by many. I wish things were another way, but wishes do not change reality, as much as I wish they did.
My vanity and selfishness are so apparently great. In time, I hope to resolve all of this... For now, however, I remain the Ghost.
Kelly, You seem so really with it! You are pretty and could do it all, but as long as you have those feelings, which I relate to in my own experience, you are smart to go with your gut. I dress like that also because I would rather not draw too much attention to myself and oddly enough most of the cis women that comes into my favorite coffee shop dress likewise.
What made me unhappy over the last 2 weeks is the fact that no matter how good you try to be to your fellow human beings they'll stab you in the back in a heartbeat.
The more I know people the more I like my dog
Dawwww, hugs. We are not all bad. There are quite a few like you. The trick is finding them. Good luck. We need it :-|
It's my birthday today. I turn 40. I'm now officially ooooooooollllld.
Quote from: Shodan on April 24, 2013, 09:44:21 AM
It's my birthday today. I turn 40. I'm now officially ooooooooollllld.
Not really, it's all in your head! Happy Birthday youngster! :icon_birthday:
Quote from: Shodan on April 24, 2013, 09:44:21 AM
It's my birthday today. I turn 40. I'm now officially ooooooooollllld.
Nope, 40 isn't old, now 50 though...
Happy Birthday!
As far as I know I mostly pass, as in the past few months a stranger has only referred to me as female a few times...and I've gotten a good number of "sirs" and such. But I still feel like I don't pass, I don't see what has changed for people to see male rather than female. I'm not confident or comfortable enough in it and it scares me. I'm afraid to go do anything even remotely confidently as male because one day someone's going to laugh in my face, again. Or I'll get the "Oh I know lots of transgenders!! I am totally supportive!!"
It's just this dinner, I worry i'll make myself and my friend look bad in front of her family, if they read female and don't believe I am male.
Quote from: Prof HB on April 24, 2013, 07:30:43 PM
As far as I know I mostly pass, as in the past few months a stranger has only referred to me as female a few times...and I've gotten a good number of "sirs" and such. But I still feel like I don't pass, I don't see what has changed for people to see male rather than female. I'm not confident or comfortable enough in it and it scares me. I'm afraid to go do anything even remotely confidently as male because one day someone's going to laugh in my face, again. Or I'll get the "Oh I know lots of transgenders!! I am totally supportive!!"
It's just this dinner, I worry i'll make myself and my friend look bad in front of her family, if they read female and don't believe I am male.
You're sounding a lot like some of the visually most successful people in the MtF forums and I think that we have isolated what the problem is, when you look in the mirror your brain sees the former you and not what everyone else sees which is the new you. It's some kind of strange brain chemistry but your take on you is no longer valid, what other people see is valid. So go with it and quit defeating yourself before you even walk out the door.
Life seems kind of meaningless today. I'm not sure what the point is in learning all kinds of things, developing fine skills, and even having fun if life is overall only somewhat enjoyable. Sometimes, I wonder if staying alive is worthwhile - survival is a pain in the butt, and I have no way of knowing if it will ever pay off. Am I even capable of being one of those happy people? Do I possess the potential to smile every day, and to enjoy and love life?
I don't know. The most intense emotions I know of are sadness and anger, and they feel really good... to cry is a great experience, and to cry while hating everything makes for a passionate, powerful moment. I may have felt happiness as intensely as I have felt sadness or anger a few times in my life, but those moments are so infrequent...
Got misgendered twice. The first one happened in the coffee shop that I visit almost every day - the barista called me 'madam' and seemed put out when I corrected him.
The second one happened later in the afternoon, when someone claiming to be from my mobile/cell phone carrier called me up, addressed me as 'madam' and said he wanted to talk to me about upgrading my phone.
I asked him why the heck he was addressing me as 'madam' and he protested "But that's what we're trained to call all women!". I told him that if he was really calling on behalf of my carrier, his records would show that I am not a woman. He then tried to backpedal, saying that they don't have access to the whole database, they just process upgrades. But I upgraded my phone a couple of months ago so I'm not due for any upgrades anyway.
I told him he's clearly not from my carrier because he doesn't even know who I am. Then I hung up on him while he tried to argue back at me. It put me in a bad mood for the whole afternoon, at a time when I'm really stressed and suffering from migraines.
Grrr!
Last night my roommate and I were sitting at the bar of the restaurant where my other roommate works, killing time until he got off and we could go home. She pulled out a pad of paper and started doodling my birth name in fancy script all over the place, asking me what my middle name was and adding that in.
I need to come out to her. She knows I've had chest surgery, but I don't know if she knows the magnitude, or the reason.
And then my other roommate and his coworker started making rape jokes. Eww.
My favorite people are all so problematic.
Quote from: androgynoid on April 25, 2013, 12:22:21 PM
Last night my roommate and I were sitting at the bar of the restaurant where my other roommate works, killing time until he got off and we could go home. She pulled out a pad of paper and started doodling my birth name in fancy script all over the place, asking me what my middle name was and adding that in.
I need to come out to her. She knows I've had chest surgery, but I don't know if she knows the magnitude, or the reason.
And then my other roommate and his coworker started making rape jokes. Eww.
My favorite people are all so problematic.
Uh yeah! And they're still alive?
Quote from: Shantel on April 24, 2013, 07:50:00 PM
You're sounding a lot like some of the visually most successful people in the MtF forums and I think that we have isolated what the problem is, when you look in the mirror your brain sees the former you and not what everyone else sees which is the new you. It's some kind of strange brain chemistry but your take on you is no longer valid, what other people see is valid. So go with it and quit defeating yourself before you even walk out the door.
I think you're right on this one. Honestly, other than one incident recently, everyone who has misgendered me has been gay or lesbian. But they give me the "oh I know transgenders!! I support you!!" (and yes, they put the "s" at the end of transgender).
honestly, I wish I had it in me to be assertive like I used to be. I wouldn't worry as much because if people were rude (purposely or accidentally), I would feel comfortable in my ability to talk it through.
Might not seem like much to be upset over but seriously hating that I feel like I have been punched in the stomach, not the immediate pain but the resultant tight swelling feeling that makes sitting, moving, lying down and breathing uncomfortable and difficult. :(
Sad, transphobic excuses of human beings.
My ex. Realizing that she is rather nasty (mean). Luckily we won't be living together anymore starting Monday.
I just realized the one thing I need most right now is a hug.
My week has been crap but its starting to look up. On Saturday morning I woke up to discover one of my dogs passed away in his sleep. He was 15 and not doing so good, but it was still rough for me. We were starting to have the talk wether we should put him down. I'm relieved that we didn't have to do that and he passed at home, sleeping in his bed.
Then on Monday I lost my job. Things weren't working out. They told me early when I got there. I got some severance and they aren't going to contest my unemployment claim so I can collect. After I left there is when things started looking up. I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes and a scratch ticket. I ended up hitting $5000. Also I've decided to switch careers. I'm done with IT. I've decided to go back to hairdressing school and I found out that I'm eligible for grants that are going to pay for it, my unemployment will get extended through the whole time I'm in school and I don't have to look for a job while in school. It's been a crazy week but things are definitely looking up now!
Sometimes I really want to give up. But I don't. *sigh* It doesn't matter where I go, or what community I want to be a part of, I am a fish out of water.
Quote from: michelle666 on April 26, 2013, 09:34:02 PM
My week has been crap but its starting to look up. On Saturday morning I woke up to discover one of my dogs passed away in his sleep. He was 15 and not doing so good, but it was still rough for me. We were starting to have the talk wether we should put him down. I'm relieved that we didn't have to do that and he passed at home, sleeping in his bed.
Then on Monday I lost my job. Things weren't working out. They told me early when I got there. I got some severance and they aren't going to contest my unemployment claim so I can collect. After I left there is when things started looking up. I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes and a scratch ticket. I ended up hitting $5000. Also I've decided to switch careers. I'm done with IT. I've decided to go back to hairdressing school and I found out that I'm eligible for grants that are going to pay for it, my unemployment will get extended through the whole time I'm in school and I don't have to look for a job while in school. It's been a crazy week but things are definitely looking up now!
Sorry about your dog Michelle (Hugs)), I don't look forward to that happening with my dog. Concerning the job though, sometimes there is a silver lining in those dark clouds that surround a job loss and you discover that you were standing in a hole and didn't realize it.
Today I decided I could not in good conscience keep holding onto a Google Glass invitation when I cannot afford to purchase it and save for surgeries at the same time.
So I sent an email to Google via their support channel, in hopes that they can redirect the invitation.
Sorta sad now. :(
On the other hand, I'm sure it would've just made me look silly and interfered with my prescription eyeglasses, so no real loss.
Quote from: Prof HB on April 27, 2013, 12:16:00 AM
Sometimes I really want to give up. But I don't. *sigh* It doesn't matter where I go, or what community I want to be a part of, I am a fish out of water.
What makes you feel like this?
Quote from: StellaB on April 27, 2013, 12:17:34 PM
What makes you feel like this?
Primarily the fact that although it seems I pass most of the time, I still have people (mostly gay and lesbian) who "clock" me and do so rather...inconsiderately. I'm straight so I don't want to fit in with the GLB community, but it worries me, making me think with everyone else I pass only by a hair. I just want to be myself without having to worry about someone calling me out on it and taking note of my trans status. Not that they would truly know unless they saw what was under my clothes, but they're so arrogant about thinking they know that they don't care. I feel like one day someone might cause me harm because some idiot decides to out me on the wrong occasion.
Quote from: Prof HB on April 27, 2013, 07:58:17 PM
Primarily the fact that although it seems I pass most of the time, I still have people (mostly gay and lesbian) who "clock" me and do so rather...inconsiderately. I'm straight so I don't want to fit in with the GLB community, but it worries me, making me think with everyone else I pass only by a hair. I just want to be myself without having to worry about someone calling me out on it and taking note of my trans status. Not that they would truly know unless they saw what was under my clothes, but they're so arrogant about thinking they know that they don't care. I feel like one day someone might cause me harm because some idiot decides to out me on the wrong occasion.
I have to be honest even though deep down passing isn't a major priority for me this sort of thing gets my goat. It's not just the fact that often they're telling me something I already know, but it's also the mistaken assumption that other people are going to be interested as well.
I remember losing control one Friday at the checkouts in a busy supermarket when I'm standing in line with my basket and a couple behind me kept saying 'That's a man..that's a man..'
I threw down my basket and said loudly 'Excuse me everybody, sorry to trouble you but this couple would like you all to know that I'm not a natural born woman. I am in fact a transgendered woman just trying to do some shopping in peace. Thank you and I wish you all a pleasant weekend.' I then turned back to the couple and asked 'Happy now?'
They walked off.
However you can't let these people make you feel bad about yourself. I know we all have our stereotypes, people who we feel more nervous being around, but the reality is that these are somewhat sad individuals and very much the minority.
Sure, yes there might be a few more people who notice but they never say anything, so it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because it doesn't matter to them, so why should it matter so much to you? The vast majority of people aren't really that bothered whether you're trans or not and there are some people also who notice, but they react positively.
These people just go to prove that it's best to say nothing and let others consider the possibility that you might be an idiot rather than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
I'm sorry that happened to you, Stella. :( People are just...so inconsiderate. They want to be respected, and comfortable, and go about their lives but for some reason as soon as someone looks different, it's like they are public property and don't deserve the same consideration.
I think you're right. I'm going to keep trying to hang in there, maybe I will even pass to the "spotters" one day, but if not, it is their problem, not mine,
Finding properties I love but know I will never be able to afford, basically short of winning the lottery or some rich person leaving me some money or their home, I will never be able to afford my own home. I am unable to work and I am on a disability pension(mental not physical) which I guess is bad for a 27 year old. There is a 'scheme' for low income earners or those dealing with diabilities to get a loan but I am constantly told my pension isn't enough to be approved as I would need a second income or a carer.
What are those of us who are unable to work but can take care of themselves suppose to do since that program would help alot but doesn't account for us?. >:( :'(
Quote from: Prof HB on April 28, 2013, 02:48:31 AM
I think you're right. I'm going to keep trying to hang in there, maybe I will even pass to the "spotters" one day, but if not, it is their problem, not mine,
Exactly. I have a friend who gets 'clocked' quite frequently by these people, and she's a naturally born black woman who's most definitely not trans.
Quote from: StellaB on April 27, 2013, 08:49:17 PM
I threw down my basket and said loudly 'Excuse me everybody, sorry to trouble you but this couple would like you all to know that I'm not a natural born woman. I am in fact a transgendered woman just trying to do some shopping in peace. Thank you and I wish you all a pleasant weekend.' I then turned back to the couple and asked 'Happy now?'
They walked off
You're my hero :) I wish I had the courage to do that.
Quote from: StellaB on April 27, 2013, 08:49:17 PM
I threw down my basket and said loudly 'Excuse me everybody, sorry to trouble you but this couple would like you all to know that I'm not a natural born woman. I am in fact a transgendered woman just trying to do some shopping in peace. Thank you and I wish you all a pleasant weekend.' I then turned back to the couple and asked 'Happy now?'
I was shopping one night and was looking at the card section, and this teenage coule were doing something similier, well mostly the guy,something to the effect of how disapointed my parents may be,etc. I so wanted to say somthing, like excuse me what you are doing is very rude and offensive, you never know who you are talking about may be a total psychopath, and pul out a gun or knife and decide to kill you!, but I didnt I just pretended I didnt hear them, and went about my business. It never hapened again but I said to myself next time I may just do that.
Quote from: calico on April 29, 2013, 06:44:21 PM
I was shopping one night and was looking at the card section, and this teenage coule were doing something similier, well mostly the guy,something to the effect of how disapointed my parents may be,etc. I so wanted to say somthing, like excuse me what you are doing is very rude and offensive, you never know who you are talking about may be a total psychopath, and pul out a gun or knife and decide to kill you!, but I didnt I just pretended I didnt hear them, and went about my business. It never hapened again but I said to myself next time I may just do that.
Calico,
Having pretended not to hear and moving on was probably the best way to deal with that imbecile especially if you aren't a real ass kicker type. I always hate it when they read all the new names of TG folks that were murdered each year. Sometimes when you ignore the ignorant you simply take away their power.
Quote from: Shantel on April 29, 2013, 06:57:12 PM
Calico,
Having pretended not to hear and moving on was probably the best way to deal with that imbecile especially if you aren't a real ass kicker type. I always hate it when they read all the new names of TG folks that were murdered each year. Sometimes when you ignore the ignorant you simply take away their power.
Wisdom!, "try not to argue with an idiot,it makes the people who are observing unsure of who the idiot is."
Quote from: calico on April 29, 2013, 07:01:41 PM
Wisdom!, "try not to argue with an idiot,it makes the people who are observing unsure of who the idiot is."
Amen to that sweetie! :)
Had a small breakdown over something very trivial and as a result walked around in a daze for like half an hour before I started feeling better. So yes was upset over something little which lead to the breakdown and then was(still am a bit) upset that I had a breakdown.
Seeing my GF in hospital.. She's so sick and weak and tiny.. She only weighs 37kg (82lbs).
I'm frightened that I've found her just in time to lose her. :'(
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on April 30, 2013, 04:10:07 AM
Seeing my GF in hospital.. She's so sick and weak and tiny.. She only weighs 37kg (82lbs).
I'm frightened that I've found her just in time to lose her. :'(
*hugs Kelly tight* I'm sorry, I can only imagine how hard this must be.
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on April 30, 2013, 04:10:07 AM
Seeing my GF in hospital.. She's so sick and weak and tiny.. She only weighs 37kg (82lbs).
I'm frightened that I've found her just in time to lose her. :'(
Keeping you and your GF in my thoughts Kelly and hoping for the best :'(
Hugs
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on April 30, 2013, 04:10:07 AM
Seeing my GF in hospital.. She's so sick and weak and tiny.. She only weighs 37kg (82lbs).
I'm frightened that I've found her just in time to lose her. :'(
:( I'm so sorry ,stay strong I know its hard, I dont know your posistion on relion,however I will have both of you in my prayers.
Quote from: calico on April 30, 2013, 04:38:05 AM
:( I'm so sorry ,stay strong I know its hard, I dont know your posistion on relion,however I will have both of you in my prayers.
+1 Me Too Kelly!
Quote from: Prof HB on April 28, 2013, 02:48:31 AM
I'm sorry that happened to you, Stella. :( People are just...so inconsiderate. They want to be respected, and comfortable, and go about their lives but for some reason as soon as someone looks different, it's like they are public property and don't deserve the same consideration.
I think you're right. I'm going to keep trying to hang in there, maybe I will even pass to the "spotters" one day, but if not, it is their problem, not mine,
More than that you have so many people who love you and see you for who you truly are! LOTS of people used your right pronouns before you even began your hormone therapy and you felt good with these people. You should spend time with people who are considerate of you and if you can't find them then leave until you find some winners. :angel:
Someone at this hostel has stolen £80 from me after i'd lent them £40!! i reported this to the police & her response is that she's going to "bang my face in", that didn't bother me but she then said she's going to report my dog as a dangerous dog so he'll get put down.
The only good thing is that even when she had completely lost her temper the worst insult she threw at me was to call me a bitch, i'll take that as a compliment as i'm not full time yet.
Quote from: Jayne on April 30, 2013, 10:17:30 AM
Someone at this hostel has stolen £80 from me after i'd lent them £40!! i reported this to the police & her response is that she's going to "bang my face in", that didn't bother me but she then said she's going to report my dog as a dangerous dog so he'll get put down.
The only good thing is that even when she had completely lost her temper the worst insult she threw at me was to call me a bitch, i'll take that as a compliment as i'm not full time yet.
Why is it that the ones who throw that term around most are the ones most deserving of it? :|
Sorry to hear about the ungrateful thief, Jayne. :(
Jayne, sounds as if you're surrounded by mental misfits there, sorry you have to endure that hon!
Had an incredibly embarrasing conversation with one of the workers in my apartment.
Quote from: Donna Troy on April 30, 2013, 12:27:24 PM
Had an incredibly embarrasing conversation with one of the workers in my apartment.
Well what was it about, we're dying to hear about it hon, I'm all ears.
Having a sore throat. I think I got it from when my mother sprayed too much air freshener. I wonder if that's even possible.
Quote from: Malachite on April 30, 2013, 02:42:13 PM
Having a sore throat. I think I got it from when my mother sprayed too much air freshener. I wonder if that's even possible.
You were trying to get high? ;D
Quote from: Shantel on April 30, 2013, 02:45:05 PM
You were trying to get high? ;D
Negative. The bathroom is adjacent to my room and she smokes every time she goes in. She knows that the smoke makes my head hurt so she covers it up by spraying some thick-scentned air freshener.
I should be cleaning, but I'm tired and the mess is overwhelming.
Quote from: Jayne on April 30, 2013, 10:17:30 AM
Someone at this hostel has stolen £80 from me after i'd lent them £40!! i reported this to the police & her response is that she's going to "bang my face in", that didn't bother me but she then said she's going to report my dog as a dangerous dog so he'll get put down.
The only good thing is that even when she had completely lost her temper the worst insult she threw at me was to call me a bitch, i'll take that as a compliment as i'm not full time yet.
Oh Lord that's terrible.. Is there something else you can do besides reporting it to the police? And doesn't someone have to get bitten or at least attacked by a dog first before these types of allegations are taken seriously?
I'm sorry you're going through this sort of thing.
Quote from: Malachite on April 30, 2013, 02:51:24 PM
Negative. The bathroom is adjacent to my room and she smokes every time she goes in. She knows that the smoke makes my head hurt so she covers it up by spraying some thick-scentned air freshener.
This is definitely possible. I'm sensitive to smoke as well, and even when it's covered up you're still breathing in all the crap. And I have a sensitivity to chemicals and strong scents too, smelling things like air freshener, fabric softener, even certain brands of soap make my head hurt and my nasal passages sting.
Quote from: Prof HB on April 30, 2013, 04:49:36 PM
This is definitely possible. I'm sensitive to smoke as well, and even when it's covered up you're still breathing in all the crap. And I have a sensitivity to chemicals and strong scents too, smelling things like air freshener, fabric softener, even certain brands of soap make my head hurt and my nasal passages sting.
That's what I try to tell her but she doesn't care.. I notice that I've gotten a bit more sensitive to strong scents and it makes my eyes water and my nose burn quicker. I usually have to cover my whole face with a blanket to just mask the scent some.
I feel sorry for you. My dad used to smoke in the house constantly. Now he does it in the mornings and hides it when he thinks people will catch him. -_- Which is better, much better, but the smell can be really bothersome. My mom used to have this persistent cough that never went away that she no longer deals with now that the smoking is less.
I can't stand people who smoke indoors :P I find them to be ignorantly rude, selfish, inconsiderate and immature
When I was playing in bands I was really glad when various areas began banning indoor smoking 8) Even though I smoked at that time I always went outside and didn't want to be up on stage performing with a gagging layer of smoke hoovering about
Quote from: V M on April 30, 2013, 05:41:38 PM
I can't stand people who smoke indoors :P I find them to be ignorantly rude, selfish, inconsiderate and immature
When I was playing in bands I was really glad when various areas began banning indoor smoking 8) Even though I smoked at that time I always went outside and didn't want to be up on stage performing with a gagging layer of smoke hoovering about
Going into a room where there's a blue haze causes me to have an instant gag reflex.
I had another load of laundry to do and the weather forecast was wrong...I was hoping for sunny weather. Ah well.
I'm still waiting for mail I was supposed to get a couple days ago. This is very important mail.
Quote from: Shantel on April 30, 2013, 11:26:55 AM
Jayne, sounds as if you're surrounded by mental misfits there, sorry you have to endure that hon!
The hostel has recently been taken over by a different group, they focus more on addicts & it's causing all sorts of problems around here.
I should be out in a month, I was lucky that other people were around as when the skank threatened to have my dog reported as a dangerous dog & have him put down I very nearly lost my temper, the others held me back until I calmed down.
I haven't lost my temper for many years because I don't like the creature that gets set free, I normally just walk away from confrontations but when it keeps happening on your doorstep you have to deal with it.
Many of the tenants here are disgusted by what's happened & are backing me up, everyone who's met Poopie loves him to bits. If i wanted to be lazy then i'd never have to walk him again as i've got almost a dozen people here who want to walk him every day ;D
It's all being dealt with by the police so things will get resolved sooner or later.
I woke up to 2 more job rejection emails. Oh well. And its 82 degrees outside. I miss the cold.
Quote from: Prof HB on May 01, 2013, 10:16:51 AM
I had another load of laundry to do and the weather forecast was wrong...I was hoping for sunny weather. Ah well.
It was the weather forecast correction that was wrong! >:-) It is beautiful outside but I know you know that already. They will dry by sundown if you do the wash when you get home.
Quote from: Keaira on May 01, 2013, 12:36:15 PM
And its 82 degrees outside. I miss the cold.
Ugh, that sucks. I'm going to have to be ready for the heats when I visit. :( I hate heat.
Quote from: Saison Marguerite on May 01, 2013, 01:51:40 PM
It was the weather forecast correction that was wrong! >:-) It is beautiful outside but I know you know that already. They will dry by sundown if you do the wash when you get home.
You could have told me this in person, since the time stamp indicates this was written while you were in my office. :P Anyway, my dad has decided he is excited about air drying clothes now so that may not happen.
I went to go get some ice cream but somehow got a deep hangnail in the process like the genius I am I decided to rip it off and my thumb bled. It hurts.
Well that took away my appetite for ice cream
My baby doesn't love me anymore, all he wants to do is go hang out with that whore up the street. :(
Quote from: Renee on May 02, 2013, 04:24:58 PM
My baby doesn't love me anymore, all he wants to do is go hang out with that whore up the street. :(
She's probably in heat!
Quote from: Shantel on May 02, 2013, 04:39:22 PM
She's probably in heat!
She's been spayed. He just doesn't love me anymore.
Quote from: Renee on May 02, 2013, 04:40:47 PM
She's been spayed. He just doesn't love me anymore.
Uh do you think it's your cooking? ;D
Quote from: Shantel on May 02, 2013, 04:47:13 PM
Uh do you think it's your cooking? ;D
Well, they do feed him stuff, earlier today, they said he ate some noodles and some sauce from where they made meatballs.
Quote from: Renee on May 02, 2013, 04:49:24 PM
Well, they do feed him stuff, earlier today, they said he ate some noodles and some sauce from where they made meatballs.
Well no wonder! Shall I send my dog Cody down to bite the whore?
Quote from: Shantel on May 02, 2013, 04:50:45 PM
Well no wonder! Shall I send my dog Cody down to bite the whore?
The whore is part pit bull, not sure that would be a good idea.
Quote from: Renee on May 02, 2013, 04:52:54 PM
The whore is part pit bull, not sure that would be a good idea.
Cody is big for his breed 78 lbs, has big white teeth and recently ran down a full grown male raccoon in my back yard and killed him. I think he would hold his own. Had him neutered, he still thinks he's an Alpha Dawg!
Still no sign of that mail I was supposed to get. At least now I know it was sent. I'll visit the post office tomorrow to see if it made it to my mail box. It's possible it was stolen.
Also, I need someone who has known me for two years to sign that I am who I say I am in front of a notary. I don't know anyone reliable that I've known for two years who isn't my ex.
A raggedy cd case fell and broke so now I have to find another raggedy cd case in my room.
Being made fun of by some of my creepy neighbors :-\ It would possibly be wrong for me to describe them because it could possibly hurt the feelings of others, My best guess is they hurt my feelings out of angst for their own insecurities
Quote from: V M on May 03, 2013, 07:07:37 PM
Being made fun of by some of my creepy neighbors :-\ It would possibly be wrong for me to describe them because it could possibly hurt the feelings of others, My best guess is they hurt my feelings out of angst for their own insecurities
That's sad, but you probably have them pegged right!
Maybe I need some work on my people skills...
Now a neighbor has threatened to kick my :icon_censored: as he slapped me on the shoulder, I suppose he thought I would be intimidated
But to his surprise I informed him that I was not afraid of him and that threatening me was not a good idea and that if he ever threatened me again I'd turn his candy :icon_censored: inside out
For some odd reason he has started avoiding me
:eusa_think: Go figure
My mother giving away a head of lettuce that I was planning on eating.
Quote from: Malachite on May 04, 2013, 01:55:13 AM
My mother giving away a head of lettuce that I was planning on eating.
Lol, I just have this image of you biting into a head of lettuce like an apple.
I wish I could just be a woman. I wish I could live happily as a woman because I am tired of all these perfect strangers who feel the need to remind me that I am trans. What infuriates me is I have all the female parts right here, so why can't I just be...you know...happy with them. *sigh* I'm sitting here crying like a big emo because being trans just keeps robbing me of so much of my life.
My neighbor who beats his wife openly calls me a snitch because I call the cops when she screams for help. I could fight him. He's smaller than me. But I have a clean legal record and I don't want to mess that up. He told another neighbor that he's not afraid to die and will eff me up etc etc. He thought I was hiding his wife last time she ran from him. The cops laugh about the whole thing. She won't press charges. The whole thing is annoying. I can't help and I really can't spare the energy it would take to rationalize that so I'm just uneasy about them.
Also I went to catch a city bus and it was 45 minutes late and then when I went to transfer lol the next bus had somebody vomiting on it so we all had to wait for another and a minor errand turned into a 2 hour odyssey of ick.
Quote from: Prof HB on May 04, 2013, 03:56:51 AM
I wish I could just be a woman. I wish I could live happily as a woman because I am tired of all these perfect strangers who feel the need to remind me that I am trans. What infuriates me is I have all the female parts right here, so why can't I just be...you know...happy with them. *sigh* I'm sitting here crying like a big emo because being trans just keeps robbing me of so much of my life.
Yes. I'm not sure how to cry about it but there's a kind of perpetual vague hopelessness in the background of everything, knowing I can't be normal. When I forget for very long there's always someone sooner or later who will make an issue of it. :(
Quote from: Felix on May 04, 2013, 05:25:25 AM
My neighbor who beats his wife openly calls me a snitch because I call the cops when she screams for help. I could fight him. He's smaller than me. But I have a clean legal record and I don't want to mess that up. He told another neighbor that he's not afraid to die and will eff me up etc etc. He thought I was hiding his wife last time she ran from him. The cops laugh about the whole thing. She won't press charges. The whole thing is annoying. I can't help and I really can't spare the energy it would take to rationalize that so I'm just uneasy about them.
Anyone that beats his wife is indeed the lowest form of bottom feeder. Be careful around them, he's a dangerous lunatic and she's extremely irrational which makes them both dangerous. Cops are always leery of domestic violence calls because they can potentially become victims of either the husband or the wife. Just stay out of that idiot's face and call the cops when they start in and let them handle it. Be safe Felix!
Yesterday I had to attend a class as part of my unemployment. I was 1 of 4 women in the room. There were about 8 guys. At the start of the class, we had to give a breif intro, giving our name, last job position, what skills we bring, etc. Listening to the others it hit me just how different I am from other women. I had more in common with the men in that room than the women. And I hated it. I felt like I might as well have said, "Hi I'm Keaira and I'm transgender." *sigh* I am so F'd up.
Quote from: Keaira on May 04, 2013, 10:52:09 AM
Yesterday I had to attend a class as part of my unemployment. I was 1 of 4 women in the room. There were about 8 guys. At the start of the class, we had to give a breif intro, giving our name, last job position, what skills we bring, etc. Listening to the others it hit me just how different I am from other women. I had more in common with the men in that room than the women. And I hated it. I felt like I might as well have said, "Hi I'm Keaira and I'm transgender." *sigh* I am so F'd up.
Don't be too harsh on yourself Keaira. This was the enlightening kind of moment that struck me at one time whereby I concluded that I can't go back but going forward isn't going to avail much and I settled into my now androgynous lifestyle and learned to be comfortable in my skin such as it is.
Quote from: Keaira on May 04, 2013, 10:52:09 AM
Yesterday I had to attend a class as part of my unemployment. I was 1 of 4 women in the room. There were about 8 guys. At the start of the class, we had to give a breif intro, giving our name, last job position, what skills we bring, etc. Listening to the others it hit me just how different I am from other women. I had more in common with the men in that room than the women. And I hated it. I felt like I might as well have said, "Hi I'm Keaira and I'm transgender." *sigh* I am so F'd up.
No, you're badass because you do things that a lot of other women would shy away from and tell themselves they couldn't do. :)
I'm still feeling a bit rattled myself though. I want to go to the natural foods store to get some food, but that being one of the more liberal places in town, I may get misgendered. I have passed there, but I have also been misgendered there recently. I never thought I'd come to hate liberal places, they used to be my one "refuge" from it all. But again, these people who apparently can tell I am trans since they know SOOOO much about it don't know enough to use the right pronouns and keep their face shut. Lmao.
Quote from: Keaira on May 04, 2013, 10:52:09 AM
I had more in common with the men in that room than the women.
Keaira, can I try to frame this in another way?
A lot of cis women have this feeling.
There are a lot of cis women whose employment and personal histories give them more in common with men. I know a few women like that, and they talk about how uncomfortable they feel in the company of other women. Sometimes they feel like outsiders around other women because of their choices, even though they are totally women and don't want to hang around men.
So, what you're having is a very authentic FEMALE experience.
Does this help?
Had to take my daughters out clothes shopping today, to get their 'spring collection'. My eldest is a fashionista but my youngest couldn't care less about clothes as long as she's warm & dry. So my eldest went all Gok Wan on my youngest. ;)
The trouble is: there's only so much wandering around women's clothing & lingerie shops that a transitioning gay transguy can take before the dysphoria hits like a sledgehammer. :(
So I coped for two hours before running out of patience & insisting on stopping for lunch. Only to then have a (gay) barista in Starbucks address me as 'madam'. :'( The difficult thing was that I had my daughters with me. Normally if I'm on my own I can correct whoever misgendered me, but I have to be considerate of my kids' feeling. So instead of correcting him like I usually do I just got flustered and messed up my order.
He realised what he did when he asked for my name to write it on the cup... and I looked at him pointedly abd told him my obviously male name. He went very quiet & left the bar area after taking my order. That's right, bro: the T in LGBT isn't silent - remember that next time. No apology was forthcoming, though. As per usual.
Quote from: suzifrommd on May 05, 2013, 06:45:44 AM
There are a lot of cis women whose employment and personal histories give them more in common with men. I know a few women like that, and they talk about how uncomfortable they feel in the company of other women. Sometimes they feel like outsiders around other women because of their choices, even though they are totally women and don't want to hang around men.
I have observed that quite often myself and it is certainly a valid point Suzi!
Quote from: Keaira on May 04, 2013, 10:52:09 AM
Yesterday I had to attend a class as part of my unemployment. I was 1 of 4 women in the room. There were about 8 guys. At the start of the class, we had to give a breif intro, giving our name, last job position, what skills we bring, etc. Listening to the others it hit me just how different I am from other women. I had more in common with the men in that room than the women. And I hated it. I felt like I might as well have said, "Hi I'm Keaira and I'm transgender." *sigh* I am so F'd up.
You know Keaira, as much as a lot of us like to go on about how we never truly lived the life of our birth sex, there's a lot more to it that is sometimes beyond our control. You were born male, taught male things, had male opportunities, you took them - so what? (I'm guessing based on your post)
There is still an imbalance in what men and women are offered and pushed toward in this world. Boys are raised to 'be somebody', girls are raised to be an object of desire basically. Not just through your folks, but based on all the information from the outside world. Maybe you took advantage of opportunities, jobs, and such that you may not have gotten or were even aware of if born female. That doesn't make you any less woman than those other 3. How do you know those other women wouldn't have done the same in your position?
Honestly, I think sometimes trans women have a leg up on other women in some areas. And that is by no means a bad thing in a sexist society.
I have to clean my apartment.
I once again got my hopes up about meeting people who liked the same folklore as me. Turns out they are a guy who claims to like werewolves, but hasn't read most of the folklore and mythology associated with werewolves (and shows no interest in doing so) and someone who actually meant the more modern portrayals of faeries (which are, for the most part, the complete opposite of faeries in folklore). I know differences are fine and all that, but it does get lonely.
Also, dysphoria.
Quote from: Prof HB on September 28, 2012, 01:46:02 AM
I've been having...I suppose what can only be labelled as sexist thoughts lately.
I am having the same thing happen
Quote from: krakenshay on May 05, 2013, 02:43:27 PM
I am having the same thing happen
Lolol, I was like "when did I post that?" =/ That's an old post. Those thoughts have passed now.
My brother told me to add an evil face to this post for some reason >:-)
I keep seeing suicide posts. I wish I could make better answers to them - I wish I knew the One True Way to keep people from going over the edge. But I don't, and there's a terrible stark sadness in wondering if a person I talked to just now will live to see tomorrow.
Got sir'd twice today.
Oh boo, that sucks Connie. Give me your sirs! I will enjoy them.
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on May 05, 2013, 11:17:30 AM
You know Keaira, as much as a lot of us like to go on about how we never truly lived the life of our birth sex, there's a lot more to it that is sometimes beyond our control. You were born male, taught male things, had male opportunities, you took them - so what? (I'm guessing based on your post)
There is still an imbalance in what men and women are offered and pushed toward in this world. Boys are raised to 'be somebody', girls are raised to be an object of desire basically. Not just through your folks, but based on all the information from the outside world. Maybe you took advantage of opportunities, jobs, and such that you may not have gotten or were even aware of if born female. That doesn't make you any less woman than those other 3. How do you know those other women wouldn't have done the same in your position?
Honestly, I think sometimes trans women have a leg up on other women in some areas. And that is by no means a bad thing in a sexist society.
I guess you are all right. But, if there was a woman in my position she would be trans too. ;) Maybe I did some of it just to try and fit in. Mostly though, I think it was just the thought of keeping food on the table for my family that made me pick my jobs.
FWIW Keaira, I've spent much of my life feeling like I do not fit in with other women either. I am sure it is worse for you since you are transgender and it makes you feel like an outcast in a way but you are not alone in your feelings. There are many women who see society cues and take them happily because they are content to live in a world that has been pre-made for them and there are others who think and act differently. You are not f'd up for being transgender or for having different experiences from others. I will tell you a secret about myself. I used to feel very bad about myself because it seemed like I could not relate to other people. I do not see the world like many others do and I have very different values than many others. Only in time I realized that the reason I felt so bad was because I was trying to fit into the wrong people! See if you can find others who understand you so that when you are forced to see those you cannot connect with you have a grounding to hold on to. Since you mentioned that you partly did it to fit in with the other men when you were trying to be a man, maybe this is a chance for a fresh slate as I know you are trying to find employment right now. If you are not happy with your history then take the chances when you see them to make the present something you are content with. You have suffered long enough trying to be someone that you are not and now is the time to keep the things about you that you like even if you don't fit in, and throw away the things that you did to keep up your image as male. You have survived this long and gotten this far into your transition and you have the strength to be happy and the strength to be yourself. You also deserve to be happy with the person you are and to forget anyone else who makes you feel inferior.
The Tegan & Sara performance I am suppose to go and see is tomorrow night(thursday) but anxiety has been kicking my butt this week and while i do want to see it is out of my comfort zone and I am not a very sociable person as in I do not go out much other than to shop or for appointments. I am not a party/club/bar person as I never feel comfortable in those situations. At the same time i do not want to upset my friend who bought the ticket for me as it was bought months ago.
Damn it all.
Quote from: Saison Marguerite on May 08, 2013, 05:50:19 AM
FWIW Keaira, I've spent much of my life feeling like I do not fit in with other women either. I am sure it is worse for you since you are transgender and it makes you feel like an outcast in a way but you are not alone in your feelings. There are many women who see society cues and take them happily because they are content to live in a world that has been pre-made for them and there are others who think and act differently. You are not f'd up for being transgender or for having different experiences from others. I will tell you a secret about myself. I used to feel very bad about myself because it seemed like I could not relate to other people. I do not see the world like many others do and I have very different values than many others. Only in time I realized that the reason I felt so bad was because I was trying to fit into the wrong people! See if you can find others who understand you so that when you are forced to see those you cannot connect with you have a grounding to hold on to. Since you mentioned that you partly did it to fit in with the other men when you were trying to be a man, maybe this is a chance for a fresh slate as I know you are trying to find employment right now. If you are not happy with your history then take the chances when you see them to make the present something you are content with. You have suffered long enough trying to be someone that you are not and now is the time to keep the things about you that you like even if you don't fit in, and throw away the things that you did to keep up your image as male. You have survived this long and gotten this far into your transition and you have the strength to be happy and the strength to be yourself. You also deserve to be happy with the person you are and to forget anyone else who makes you feel inferior.
What great advice for all of us! Pay attention to this great lady Keaira, she's a gem of a friend, you are lucky to have her. What she has said here resonates with me as well. Thank you Saison Marguerite!
I applied for a temporary job near where I live.
Today I got a text back from the guy I applied to.
'What size is ur cock? Do u do extras?'
Quote from: StellaB on May 08, 2013, 09:50:40 AM
I applied for a temporary job near where I live.
Today I got a text back from the guy I applied to.
'What size is ur cock? Do u do extras?'
WHAT!? What the f___?
Quote from: StellaB on May 08, 2013, 09:50:40 AM
I applied for a temporary job near where I live.
Today I got a text back from the guy I applied to.
'What size is ur cock? Do u do extras?'
Should respond with a delivery to his place of residence/employ of one (1) live male chicken. And an egg.
Quote from: StellaB on May 08, 2013, 09:50:40 AM
I applied for a temporary job near where I live.
Today I got a text back from the guy I applied to.
'What size is ur cock? Do u do extras?'
Too mortified to comment other than ask if the pervert is still alive?
Quote from: StellaB on May 08, 2013, 09:50:40 AM
I applied for a temporary job near where I live.
Today I got a text back from the guy I applied to.
'What size is ur cock? Do u do extras?'
Save the text. That is sexual harrasment, if you want to push the envelope that is.
Or... you could do what I would do and tell him bigger than his and then ask him how big is his vagina.
The thing that made me unhappy today is waking up a biological male again. It never seems to end.
It's annoying having an appointment and waiting because the other person is late.
Stella give him a slap from me
I hate when I'm talking to someone and they twist my words around, make assumptions about me, interrupt me, don't give me a chance to respond and then angrily insist they were listening to me.
Yeah Keaira, I agree with everything Charlie said last night.
Someone actually called corporate and said I made sexual advances towards them. Luckily, the owner/president and my supervisor did not believe it for a minute. Makes me wonder about how screwed up people are though.
Quote from: StellaB on May 08, 2013, 09:50:40 AM
I applied for a temporary job near where I live.
Today I got a text back from the guy I applied to.
'What size is ur cock? Do u do extras?'
I know that is unlawful in the US. I can not imagine that it is any more legal in the UK.
Quote from: Renee on May 08, 2013, 04:56:26 PM
Someone actually called corporate and said I made sexual advances towards them. Luckily, the owner/president and my supervisor did not believe it for a minute. Makes me wonder about how screwed up people are though.
Things like that are hard to swallow. If it were me who had my reputation sullied, and I knew who it was, I would be tempted to take a baseball bat to their kneecaps.
Quote from: Jamie D on May 08, 2013, 05:14:30 PM
Things like that are hard to swallow. If it were me who had my reputation sullied, and I knew who it was, I would be tempted to take a baseball bat to their kneecaps.
Well, fortunately, its my reputation that makes it unbelievable to my bosses. I wouldn't even know how to make any sexual advances towards someone, its simply not in my nature. The only thing I could figure out is that maybe someone is pissed because I turned them down, but that leaves a number of guys that it could be too, so...
I told my manager about it and she said not to let it bother me and that she has never had a single complaint about me for anything for the almost two and a half years I've worked there.
Quote from: StellaB on May 08, 2013, 09:50:40 AM
I applied for a temporary job near where I live.
Today I got a text back from the guy I applied to.
'What size is ur cock? Do u do extras?'
How disrespectful. He'll get what he deserved. He could have had a really dedicated intelligent employee. Now he won't.
And he saved you from working for a real sleeze.
Quote from: Renee on May 08, 2013, 04:56:26 PM
Someone actually called corporate and said I made sexual advances towards them. Luckily, the owner/president and my supervisor did not believe it for a minute. Makes me wonder about how screwed up people are though.
That really pisses off your Auntie Shan off, what a sick bast*rd! >:(
Thanks everyone. I was more shocked than anything else. It kind of backfires on him though, as he has his unit on an industrial estate where I know people.
Every single ->-bleeped-<-ing thing. Today is not a good to be me because of my mood. It's soured slowly since about noon today.
My fricken room-mates neglecting my cat while I was away.. >:( I left specific instructions and purchased exact amount to fill the litter box. It was simple every 4-6 days throw away all litter in box and refill, what happens? oh they apparently haven't been doing that and just scooping out the heavy stuff and adding more litter, there was 5" of urine soaked litter in the bottom of his pan >:( I just literally used a spatialla to clean out the box, ended up throwing it away (the spatiala that is) How fricken hard is it? I mean really >:(
I looked after a friends place and cat for two weeks earlier this year, not hard at all. Are they lazy or just not as caring room-mates/friends? Ie; don't deserve responsibility if simple tasks are that difficult to handle. Is your cat alright?
Quote from: EmeraldPerpugilliam on May 09, 2013, 02:19:51 AM
I looked after a friends place and cat for two weeks earlier this year, not hard at all. Are they lazy or just not as caring room-mates/friends? Ie; don't deserve responsibility if simple tasks are that difficult to handle. Is your cat alright?
Yea he is ok and much happier now that his poop box is cleaned out, at least they fed and watered him, next time I'll just take him with me
Good to hear.
Still upset about having to back out of going to a live performance(club concert) with friends because my anxiety decided to kick my butt this week.
I feel like I have let them down. :(
Quote from: Renee on May 08, 2013, 04:56:26 PM
Someone actually called corporate and said I made sexual advances towards them. Luckily, the owner/president and my supervisor did not believe it for a minute. Makes me wonder about how screwed up people are though.
I guess that is why I do what I do. Office has no more than 6 people working in it and everyone knows everyone else pretty much on a personal level. Just about anything said about anything other than work related, could be misconstrued as sexual harrasment. I am not out yet but with my long hair and short arm hair or hairless legs, I get called all kinds of things in a joking manner although never mean. I just play along with it and keep'em guessing. Plus I'm not there all the time.
I know I could never work in a corperate environment. Seems way to stressful as in having to watch what you say all the time or if someone just don't like you they can cause you problems just like this. Not to mention, I'd probably be in the HR department all the time. Gotta love truckdrivers though, even though we don't have much office ettiquette. There's really not too much that bothers us either. About the only sexual harrasment I get is from myself in the way of being called a stupid bitch when I mess up or miss a turn.
Quote from: Jess42 on May 09, 2013, 10:12:26 AM
I guess that is why I do what I do. Office has no more than 6 people working in it and everyone knows everyone else pretty much on a personal level. Just about anything said about anything other than work related, could be misconstrued as sexual harrasment. I am not out yet but with my long hair and short arm hair or hairless legs, I get called all kinds of things in a joking manner although never mean. I just play along with it and keep'em guessing. Plus I'm not there all the time.
I know I could never work in a corperate environment. Seems way to stressful as in having to watch what you say all the time or if someone just don't like you they can cause you problems just like this. Not to mention, I'd probably be in the HR department all the time. Gotta love truckdrivers though, even though we don't have much office ettiquette. There's really not too much that bothers us either. About the only sexual harrasment I get is from myself in the way of being called a stupid bitch when I mess up or miss a turn.
I work in a convenience store that is more like a local grocery/gas station than many convenience stores. Its part of a chain that is owned by a family. Lots of people, most regulars, and even my boss says everyone likes me, so she can't figure out who decided to cause trouble. She also can't fathom me doing anything like that. We talked about it today when she stopped in to get gas for her car.
Now comments from customers, I've gotten plenty of, but benign for the most part and almost never negative. Most people that don't know me from before really don't usually pick up that I'm trans or anything, although I find it hard to believe, but their behavior towards me indicates it.
I'm not real worried about it causing me any issues with work, but I am taking a suggestion from a friend that used to work in a state job up north and going to keep a record of any sort of off remarks of a sexual nature from anyone, just in case. The thing with me though is that I hate being wrongly accused of something, especially that sort of accusation, kind of turns my stomach to even think about being that way with anyone to be honest.
Going through the motions of thinking about joining a forum just to reply to one post that really touched me and after I finally decide to sign up, the site requires me to click a special link sent by an email.
That email never came no matter how many times I tried with two emails.
The illogical side of me is saying that it was just simply not meant to post my reply. I'm not accepting that, but I don't have the energy to go through all of the motions again. Screw that. I'll just agree with the person from afar.
Anyone who has read my recent posts will know, but for those that missed it - my GF died this morning. :'(
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on May 10, 2013, 03:03:03 AM
Anyone who has read my recent posts will know, but for those that missed it - my GF died this morning. :'(
OMG I am so sorry Kelly, that is very sad news to hear :'( - hugs - to lose someone you loved is never an easy thing to deal with but if it helps - at least she no longer is suffering, if you want to talk or need anything please feel free to PM me, again I am so sorry for your loss :'(
So sorry to hear of your loss Kelly :'(
Hugs dear :'(
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on May 10, 2013, 03:03:03 AM
Anyone who has read my recent posts will know, but for those that missed it - my GF died this morning. :'(
Sorry for your loss. :'(
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on May 10, 2013, 03:03:03 AM
Anyone who has read my recent posts will know, but for those that missed it - my GF died this morning. :'(
Oh Kelly, I'm so sorry. I'd be there with you if it was possible...hugs!
Family gathering on Sunday. Enough said.
My stress relief has been non-existent for the last 72 hours. I write to calm down and there's been a total of 2 posts on Elysium in the last 72 hours and none today. I'm wigging out. ><; My mood is trashed though today it was all right for a little bit.
What's Elysium? I hope you feel better soon.
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on May 10, 2013, 03:03:03 AM
Anyone who has read my recent posts will know, but for those that missed it - my GF died this morning. :'(
I am sorry for your loss, Kelly.
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on May 10, 2013, 03:03:03 AM
Anyone who has read my recent posts will know, but for those that missed it - my GF died this morning. :'(
I'll pray for you and your girlfriend tomorrow and Sunday at mass.
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on May 10, 2013, 03:03:03 AM
Anyone who has read my recent posts will know, but for those that missed it - my GF died this morning. :'(
I'm so sorry Kelly. I will keep you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.
I think I failed my tax exam, none of my formulas were working :(
I woke up to my dog throwing up on my bed.
Finding a sink blocked up with sick.
Quote from: Prof HB on May 11, 2013, 01:44:54 PM
I woke up to my dog throwing up on my bed.
I wasn't happy about a week ago when my dog did that. he had never thrown up on my bed before, but it soaked through the comforter and even my jammies were wet with it by the time I woke up. I think that is the fastest ever I changed sheets and comforter ever. Then had to shower and try to get back to sleep as I had to get up at 3:15 am for work and all that had happened around 11 pm.
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on May 10, 2013, 03:03:03 AM
Anyone who has read my recent posts will know, but for those that missed it - my GF died this morning. :'(
Oh f***, I'm so sorry :'(.
Grrr! >:( Every time I park at the station on the weekend, the ticket person gives me a ticket even though I pay! It cost four bucks to park, today I only had a five dollar bill, so I stuck that in the slot. Like usual, I come back lster with aticket charging me five bucks even though Ipaid one buck extra already.
I can't understand it, why not just steal my money and mark it as an empty slot?
Ileft him a letter saying things that is too inappropriate for Susan's, and for once someone at their office answerd the phone. I left a complaint and they cleared my (quitehigh) balance.
Quote from: LearnedHand on May 11, 2013, 07:27:47 PM
Grrr! >:( Every time I park at the station on the weekend, the ticket person gives me a ticket even though I pay! It cost four bucks to park, today I only had a five dollar bill, so I stuck that in the slot. Like usual, I come back lster with aticket charging me five bucks even though Ipaid one buck extra already.
I can't understand it, why not just steal my money and mark it as an empty slot?
Ileft him a letter saying things that is too inappropriate for Susan's, and for once someone at their office answerd the phone. I left a complaint and they cleared my (quitehigh) balance.
Good for you, no need to lie down and take it from that jerk!
I have had the most painful gas pains/lower intestinal spasms for the past 7 hours. I can't sleep. I've gotten to the point where all I can do is cry. And I have to deal with people misgendering me all night tonight, and that's hard enough and it's going to be even worse without any sleep. I want to book a hotel room and just sleep instead of making myself miserable dealing people who STILL won't even try after 4 effing years.
Insomnia monster... Again :P
Quote from: Renee on May 11, 2013, 07:11:40 PM
I wasn't happy about a week ago when my dog did that. he had never thrown up on my bed before, but it soaked through the comforter and even my jammies were wet with it by the time I woke up. I think that is the fastest ever I changed sheets and comforter ever. Then had to shower and try to get back to sleep as I had to get up at 3:15 am for work and all that had happened around 11 pm.
My dog isn't allowed on the bed or the furniture, I have him convinced that he's a dog and not a person. Not my fault that you are permissive doggie parents! ;D
Raheal (Mohini) is now a guest :(
My exam is in the gym which is gonna suck.
Transphobic abuse and threats of violence from the 6 scumbags who resented paying for the keys they lost.Real heroes 4 "men" and 2 girls against me and 2 young girls.
Went to bed hearing dogs barking to end up having nightmares of dogs ripping me apart :'( no sleep :(
Trying to find an online tutorial on Youtube for a video editing program and finding a few from people with laptops who sound like they've just woken up and been handed a computer for the first time in their lives.
I guess it's back to trial and error.
Pretty sure I failed that exam...
May lose my job due to depression and the medication I'm on. But on a side note the doctor saw that I shave like a female with a bikini tan line and didn't metion it or even acted like it was out of the ordinary. And that gives me a little more confidence.
Hearing about the horrible sexual assault and murder of a young girl by her Grandmother's boyfriend
Day 5 of no sleep.. after several weeks of little sleep..
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on May 13, 2013, 09:51:10 PM
Day 5 of no sleep.. after several weeks of little sleep..
:( *tucks Kelly into bed with a cup of hot chocolate* Be as kind to yourself as you can be.
Knowing that I am going to lose another grandchild. My first grandson is diagnosed with Tay-Sachs disease. I am just heartbroken for my daughter and her husband for what they will go through for the next 3 or more years and the impact it will have on their 4-year-old twin daughters. And they don't communicate with me. We lost a granddaughter 15 years ago to a brain tumor.
Robyn
I'm so sorry Robyn,I wish there was something I could do or say
So sorry to hear that Robyn, that's a really rough disease, not only for the afflicted child but for the whole family as well
Will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts
Hugs
- Virginia
Quote from: Robyn on May 14, 2013, 01:49:47 AM
Knowing that I am going to lose another grandchild. My first grandson is diagnosed with Tay-Sachs disease. I am just heartbroken for my daughter and her husband for what they will go through for the next 3 or more years and the impact it will have on their 4-year-old twin daughters. And they don't communicate with me. We lost a granddaughter 15 years ago to a brain tumor.
Robyn
Wow Robyn, my prayers are with your grandchild, you and your family. My heart goes out to ya'll.
Quote from: Robyn on May 14, 2013, 01:49:47 AM
Knowing that I am going to lose another grandchild. My first grandson is diagnosed with Tay-Sachs disease. I am just heartbroken for my daughter and her husband for what they will go through for the next 3 or more years and the impact it will have on their 4-year-old twin daughters. And they don't communicate with me. We lost a granddaughter 15 years ago to a brain tumor.
Robyn
I'm so sad for you Robyn, being a grandparent myself I can only imagine the pain you are going through over this, because grandkids somehow often seem even more precious to us than our own kids did at the time we had them. You are in my thoughts and prayers as well. ((hugs))
Flower company lost my Mother's Day order. Had to call to get a replacement - four days after 'guaranteed' delivery. :(
On the plus side, the lady on the phone called me 'Ma'am' even after I told her my full male name. :|
Quote from: ZoeM on May 14, 2013, 05:19:37 PM
Flower company lost my Mother's Day order. Had to call to get a replacement - four days after 'guaranteed' delivery. :(
On the plus side, the lady on the phone called me 'Ma'am' even after I told her my full male name. :|
Always so cool, takes away some of the lost order angst!
Quote from: Robyn on May 14, 2013, 01:49:47 AM
Knowing that I am going to lose another grandchild. My first grandson is diagnosed with Tay-Sachs disease. I am just heartbroken for my daughter and her husband for what they will go through for the next 3 or more years and the impact it will have on their 4-year-old twin daughters. And they don't communicate with me. We lost a granddaughter 15 years ago to a brain tumor.
Robyn
So sorry, Robyn. My thoughts to you and your family. Hugs, Devlyn
regreat eating that burger
Ended up seeing a picture of someone's chest...he's getting top surgery soon and yet he just put his boobs all over the internet.
I want to be understanding, I really do, and people have the right to do whatever they want, but I'd NEVER show my chest or do anything to "say goodbye." I'm saying goodbye by cutting the bastards off once and for all. Like I hate them so much, they should never have been there to begin with, so why would someone want to do that?
I've been noting for a while that the internet has been making me hateful, and I do occasionally take breaks because of it. Like a few times a year type thing. I guess now is that time again.
I'm unhappy because I don't have any natural masculine features that works in my favor (like in the thread I created about a year ago). It seems like many guys has at least one feature that works in their favor be it height, facial hair, voice, above average down stairs growth, small hips. I don't have anything on me thats naturally masculine. I have virtually no hair on my legs. My voice is high pitched. I'm not tall. I have wide hips. I'm not "well endowed". I have large breasts. I can only grow one or two chinhairs on occasion. *sigh*
Quote from: Malachite on May 14, 2013, 05:58:49 PM
regreat eating that burger
You regret to report how great the burger was? A Freudian slip, I think.
Quote from: Jamie D on May 15, 2013, 02:57:51 AM
You regret to report how great the burger was? A Freudian slip, I think.
It wasn't as flavorful as I thought it would be.
Now that is sad. :(
Quote from: Malachite on May 15, 2013, 02:45:25 AM
I'm unhappy because I don't have any natural masculine features that works in my favor (like in the thread I created about a year ago). It seems like many guys has at least one feature that works in their favor be it height, facial hair, voice, above average down stairs growth, small hips. I don't have anything on me thats naturally masculine. I have virtually no hair on my legs. My voice is high pitched. I'm not tall. I have wide hips. I'm not "well endowed". I have large breasts. I can only grow one or two chinhairs on occasion. *sigh*
I had this too man, it sucks. I still even feel really behind compared to guys who have been on T for the same amount of time, it took me twice as long to start passing
at all.
Quote from: Prof HB on May 15, 2013, 06:44:44 AM
I had this too man, it sucks. I still even feel really behind compared to guys who have been on T for the same amount of time, it took me twice as long to start passing at all.
Yeah you're journey has seemed a bit rough so far, especially with people, but it seems to be smoothing out some though right?
Oh yeah, it's gotten tons better, thank God. Family for the most part has come around, I pass a majority of the time (as long as there's no gays or lesbians around), so that's all helped a lot. Now I just need to get a better self image.
I somehow managed to sleep in until past 1pm (my kid is at his other dad's place) and now I feel groggy.
I have a long list of things to do. Some of it is stressful. Some of it feels a little overwhelming compounded by the fact that I am currently groggy.
For some reason, a webpage with a link to a form I need to print off would not load on a library computer (I don't own a printer). It kept saying it did, but was completely blank.
Because my university is small, the courses I can take are limited. I feel like I'm being held back.
I'm stressed out because I need a letter from a psychologist to get on T and my therapist may not count since she is not a registered psychologist. She told me that she would send me a letter anyway just in case, but she hasn't. I may need to find a psychologist in this small, conservative city. I feel like I wasted my time and money.
I couldn't open up to my therapist again today. Was going to and had what I was going to say all figured out but ->-bleeped-<- happens and before the appointment found out I am losing my job on Friday. Life really really really really sux. I think I'm tired of it and want a do over.
Quote from: Jess42 on May 15, 2013, 05:24:56 PM
I couldn't open up to my therapist again today. Was going to and had what I was going to say all figured out but ->-bleeped-<- happens and before the appointment found out I am losing my job on Friday. Life really really really really sux. I think I'm tired of it and want a do over.
I'm sorry Jess, lots of us have lost jobs lately, it's a real challenge for a lot of folks to work through it all. As you know, there aren't any do overs, so try and not allow yourself to fall into a depressed state. Get a resume together and make a plan for each day and see if you can shake something out of the woods. Wishing you well, keep us posted! ((Hugs))
Still been feeling insecure for the past couple of weeks about my appearance. And I'm nervously waiting for a response from the Governor's office. If I'm lucky, Some things will be fixed and I can finally get my driver's license changed. Because if I can't, it just screws up my job potentials. I think I do a good job of keeping my insecurity under wraps. But it's there.
Being outed on a review page for the guest house by the dirtbags who I had to call the police to
expensive video games
I couldn't fall asleep until 5am and I had to wake up at 7. On the plus side, I barely feel tired.
Also, one of the ->-bleeped-<- guys is complaining that I am being unfair. After all, he didn't create the pages that are blatantly offensive to trans women. He just likes them. ::) I'm not responding, obviously.
School starts today
Stupid inprivate filter keeps popping up randomly and I have no clue how to shut it off without logging off
Quote from: Shantel on May 15, 2013, 05:45:03 PM
I'm sorry Jess, lots of us have lost jobs lately, it's a real challenge for a lot of folks to work through it all. As you know, there aren't any do overs, so try and not allow yourself to fall into a depressed state. Get a resume together and make a plan for each day and see if you can shake something out of the woods. Wishing you well, keep us posted! ((Hugs))
Thanks for the hug Shantel. As for the depression, too late and the reason I am losing my job. Mdication for the depression is the reason, and having a socalled safety sensitive job. or actually contract. I took time for the mediction to build up in my system. I was strongly advised against driving a commercial vehicle by the doctor doing my two year physical. He passed me anyway with a letter from the Psychiatrist but told me any accidents, my fault or someone else's, that I could be sued for being on the meds. If someone was actually killed, again my fault or not, I could be looking at possible involuntary manslaughter charges. I'm smart enough to make a schedule for myself and let the sedative effects wear off before driving but he said that it didn't matter whether I was under thos influences or not. It would show up in a bloodtest and a ten point urinalisys. It really scared me, what little I have I don't want to lose, and I could never go to jail.
There pretty much is nothing else I can do, I have been doing this job in one capacity or another for almost thirty years.
Again, thanks for the hugs, I really need em. Everytime I feel something starts coming together, Something always seems to kick me back in the dirt.
I'm in the midst of my exam period, and I' still lazy as ->-bleeped-<- and stressed as hell!
I don't want to fail my exams :s I don't!
I'll be SO glad when this is over. I hope it'll also be with a good outcome, though...
Quote from: Keaira on May 16, 2013, 03:55:40 AM
I think I do a good job of keeping my insecurity under wraps. But it's there.
Not from me. *hugs*
Quote from: Jess42 on May 16, 2013, 06:55:32 AM
There pretty much is nothing else I can do, I have been doing this job in one capacity or another for almost thirty years.
Again, thanks for the hugs, I really need em. Everytime I feel something starts coming together, Something always seems to kick me back in the dirt.
Sadly they are right on in their judgment and it is unfortunate for you Jess. I know there are two main types of depression, the clinical depression where medication is an absolute must and then there's the self induced type of depression that a lot of people get from self over-analyzation which slides downhill into what I call the "Poor Me Syndrome." The latter type is something anyone can work themselves through and get past without resorting to psychotropic medications which really only exacerbate the problems in a person's life. If you are suffering from the latter type you can move past it by changing the tape that is running in your head and get focused on a plan for each day to affect some forward momentum in your life. I hope you are able to get through this and off the medications, otherwise you may find your plans and dreams will become flatlined, it's not a happy place to be.
Quote from: Shantel on May 16, 2013, 08:41:13 AM
Sadly they are right on in their judgment and it is unfortunate for you Jess. I know there are two main types of depression, the clinical depression where medication is an absolute must and then there's the self induced type of depression that a lot of people get from self over-analyzation which slides downhill into what I call the "Poor Me Syndrome." The latter type is something anyone can work themselves through and get past without resorting to psychotropic medications which really only exacerbate the problems in a person's life. If you are suffering from the latter type you can move past it by changing the tape that is running in your head and get focused on a plan for each day to affect some forward momentum in your life. I hope you are able to get through this and off the medications, otherwise you may find your plans and dreams will become flatlined, it's not a happy place to be.
Thanks Shantel. Unfortunately for me it is the first type. I have tried everything before resorting to a therapist and Psychiatrist. I've tried Meditation, positive image reinforcement, getting away to try to recharge and just about everything else. The meds were helping but now, I'm waiting to hear from the Psychiatrist about how to go about getting off of them without "trip outs" or withdrawal symptoms and so on. I guess I'll do like a lot of other people and use alcohol since it is legal and I can drive after eight hours. Go as long as I can and and when I mentally can't go anymore, just "checkout". I would love to run away and go where no one knows me and become who I am or want to be. Which will never happen in my situation. Tried talking to the SO last night about leaving and going away for a couple of months, I get guilt trips thrown at me, words to make me feel selfish and much more. So opening up as being trans to her is out of the question. Wanting to leave for a couple of months and what come from that, I can just imagine leaving her for good. And now with no means of making a living. I would be left with totally nothing as selfish as she herself is. I guess you can say that I am in an abusive relationship, but on a psychological level. I'm just tired of it all. :'(
Quote from: Jess42 on May 16, 2013, 10:15:18 AM
Thanks Shantel. Unfortunately for me it is the first type. I have tried everything before resorting to a therapist and Psychiatrist. I've tried Meditation, positive image reinforcement, getting away to try to recharge and just about everything else. The meds were helping but now, I'm waiting to hear from the Psychiatrist about how to go about getting off of them without "trip outs" or withdrawal symptoms and so on.
Usually those medications are originally administered in small doses and each week they get ramped up to a larger dosage until you get to a certain level. Getting back off of them requires you to ramp back down just as slowly otherwise you're in for months of nasty side effects. The problem with that crap is that it rewires your brain chemistry.
Did you once say that you are a veteran and did some deployments in a war zone? If so please pm me about it. ~ Shan ~
My "Check Engine" light came on again after just having the car repaired two days ago.
poqupewrup ;;lajdsf;j Mumble mumble, growl.
Quote from: Sarah Louise on May 16, 2013, 10:32:41 AM
My "Check Engine" light came on again after just having the car repaired two days ago.
poqupewrup ;;lajdsf;j Mumble mumble, growl.
That happened to me, it turned out to be a faulty sensor when they put it on the electronic analyzer. Check it out, it may be an inexpensive quick fix or it could be a signal that the catalytic converter is toast.
They replaced the Evac Charcoal canister two days ago. I figure something came loose. It better not be the catalytic converter, I might just shoot the car.
Quote from: Sarah Louise on May 16, 2013, 10:37:32 AM
They replaced the Evac Charcoal canister two days ago. I figure something came loose. It better not be the catalytic converter, I might just shoot the car.
There won't be cars in heaven! :icon_bunch:
Quote from: Shantel on May 16, 2013, 10:38:45 AM
Quote from: Sarah Louise on May 16, 2013, 10:37:32 AM
They replaced the Evac Charcoal canister two days ago. I figure something came loose. It better not be the catalytic converter, I might just shoot the car.
There won't be cars in heaven! :icon_bunch:
Haha I hope not! That would be nice. :laugh:
I've found 2 large lumps at the base of Poopies tail, i've booked him in to see a vet at the PDSA on monday so i've just got the weekend of worrying that it may be something bad.
I phoned my GP today about my electrolosys & all they could say was that they have sent e-mails & can't do anything else, it's been 6 months since they were asked to request this & i'm sick of being jerked around!
Anyone who thinks it's good to transition on the NHS need their head examined
Quote from: Jayne on May 16, 2013, 12:07:56 PM
I've found 2 large lumps at the base of Poopies tail, i've booked him in to see a vet at the PDSA on monday so i've just got the weekend of worrying that it may be something bad.
I phoned my GP today about my electrolosys & all they could say was that they have sent e-mails & can't do anything else, it's been 6 months since they were asked to request this & i'm sick of being jerked around!
Anyone who thinks it's good to transition on the NHS need their head examined
Try not to worry much about your dog, I have a beagle and she gets lumps and have taken her to the vet and, I forget what the vet called it, but they are benign.
The other bad thing, I can't help you with though.
This is actually a bit too much to describe right now... but my mum is driving me and my dad crazy. Not because she's a bitch or anything like that, she's the sweetest mum I could ever wish for.
But lately, or should I say; since the last two/three YEARS, she has been suffering from horrible depression-ish symptoms. She is tired as hell, and constantly complains about vague problems with her body. If one thing is cured, the next one 'magically' pops up, and so on. Also is her perception totally different. She has been on depression meds, for example, and a while ago she began blaming my dad of 'forcing' her onto them, while she said HERSELF said she needed some serious stuff to get her out of the ->-bleeped-<-. Also is she extremely jealous of me and my dad doing things together, and claims we have a 'magical connection' and she is just 'lagging behind/not being a part/not fitting with us', while we both definitely DON'T experience it that way.
She does NOTHING anymore, just lies on the sofa all day, groaning she hates her life, she's worth for nothing, etc. etc. and each time me and my dad try to motivate her to get out and DO something, she sighs, grunts, walks away, and sometimes even gets ANGRY at us. She says it's impossible, she's lost for good, is ready for garbage, etc. it almost seems as if she WANTS to hear she's a failure, as if she WANTS to get hate and ->-bleeped-<- all over her, instead of love and encouragement.
Both me and my dad are totally up to our toes. We can't tell her openly what we feel or think, because she would accuse us of lying to her and twisting the facts, or just get angry and stomp away, or burst into crying all in a sudden. We don't know what to do anymore, we tried everything, from talking with her (a lot!), to sending her to a dozen shrinks and eventually the meds (she's off them now, because she said they made her dizzy). She has been to every end of the medical spectrum, from the hospital, shrinks, alternative medication, and so on... and nothing helped. We're out of energy. I'm almost starting to think she's going crazy or something, is losing it, y'know, but I don't want to think such things... she's my mum... I love her so much... I just want everything to be okay with her again :(
Sorry for the ramble, just had to get this out for a sec.
Erik, she may need hormone therapy. I shot my cat because she turned into a bitch from hell, turns out a little kitty HRT would have changed all that according to the vet.
Quote from: Keaira on May 16, 2013, 03:55:40 AM
Still been feeling insecure for the past couple of weeks about my appearance. And I'm nervously waiting for a response from the Governor's office. If I'm lucky, Some things will be fixed and I can finally get my driver's license changed. Because if I can't, it just screws up my job potentials. I think I do a good job of keeping my insecurity under wraps. But it's there.
Keaira have you considered my email?
Lack of Schlotskyz Pizza
A dork at the local coffee shop came on to me in front of my wife for the second day in a row. Guess my nipples show through my soft bra and T shirts. Uh - people do have nipples! WTF ??? My wife doesn't get it fortunately, but it's pissing me off thinking this classless jerk is no doubt a ->-bleeped-<-. I'm not flattered by it at all! >:(
Quote from: Saison Marguerite on May 16, 2013, 12:52:12 PM
Keaira have you considered my email?
I have indeed. I just havent really thought of what it is I want to say. But I do appreciate it ^_^
My bottom dysphoria is kicking up strongly. :(
Quote from: Jayne on May 16, 2013, 12:07:56 PM
I've found 2 large lumps at the base of Poopies tail, i've booked him in to see a vet at the PDSA on monday so i've just got the weekend of worrying that it may be something bad.
Chances are it's just another allergy; please try not to worry yourself about it. Fingers crossed for him.
Quote from: Jayne on May 16, 2013, 12:07:56 PM
Anyone who thinks it's good to transition on the NHS need their head examined
Amen.
Had to book a doctor's appointment to check whether I've entered the menopause. :(
I hope they don't have a form for me to fill in: the last time I went to the doctors about anything reproductive, the form I had to fill in had fields labelled "Woman's Name"; "Woman's Age" etc. - I found I couldn't bring myself to fill in the form until I'd crossed out every single 'Woman' in every single field.
Quote from: Shantel on May 16, 2013, 12:42:45 PM
Erik, she may need hormone therapy. I shot my cat because she turned into a bitch from hell, turns out a little kitty HRT would have changed all that according to the vet.
You shot your cat? Oh, my goodness.
For Erik's mother, I suggest a high colonic with ice water and medical oxygen.
Got hit by the Dysphoria Bus whilst ordering a sandwich in Subway:
Her: "Would you like cheese in your sandwich, Madam?".
Me: "... Er, yeah, cheese would be great".
Why the heck does my tongue seem to stick to the roof of my mouth when I get unexpectedly misgendered? My only excuse was that there was a huge queue and I wasn't in the mood to go into the whole "Actually, I'm a dude!" spiel in front of loads of people.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on May 17, 2013, 10:07:32 AM
Got hit by the Dysphoria Bus whilst ordering a sandwich in Subway:
Her: "Would you like cheese in your sandwich, Madam?".
Me: "... Er, yeah, cheese would be great".
Why the heck does my tongue seem to stick to the roof of my mouth when I get unexpectedly misgendered? My only excuse was that there was a huge queue and I wasn't in the mood to go into the whole "Actually, I'm a dude!" spiel in front of loads of people.
I'm sorry. :( Those situations can be so painful, they make me feel like crap. Thankfully they don't seem to happen to me anymore but I still live in fear lol.
shallow friends and room-mates :-\ also when I get mis-gendered I totally ignore them like I hadn't heard them or they were talking to someone else, then if they persist I purposely mis gender them and ask are you talking to me?
Quote from: calico on May 17, 2013, 06:43:13 PM
shallow friends and room-mates :-\ also when I get mis-gendered I totally ignore them like I hadn't heard them or they were talking to someone else, then if they persist I purposely mis gender them and ask are you talking to me?
That's got to be the best possible way to deal with that! I used to become confrontive which only exacerbates the whole event, not a good plan. Good for you Calico, smart lady!
I broke a string on a brand new set of string on my guitar which isn't too bad. Changing them out the high "e" string bit me under the fingernail and went about a quarter inch between the fingernail and skin. That's the bad part. Now can I get some "AHHHs" or "poor baby" for my booboo. ;D
Having 4 hours sleep
accidently cutting the lower part of my leg
2 mis-genderings today :(.
forgot my grapes in my dad's car
Well my parents got back to me. They listed the reasons they don't think I should transition and then said they don't want me to present as female in their presence.
feel pretty bad now.
Yeah and my sister says that she thinks that they are right and that I need to be more considerate of how this affecting other people.
Well, I have officially lost my first friend in Madison.
She won't even speak to me anymore, and has taken up actively avoiding me. I fear she's dragging my second friend (her boyfriend) away too. :(
Gross, second period this month, again. I need to do something about this. >:(
Quote from: LearnedHand on May 20, 2013, 04:59:45 PM
Gross, second period this month, again. I need to do something about this. >:(
Go see the doc, don't mess around with it kid, you're too smart for that! My best...~Shan~
school
The news is on...a man planted a hidden camera in the nursing home his mother was in because he suspected she was being abused, and they showed a few clips. I had to go downstairs and cry. But not before going up to my mother, looking her in the eyes, and saying "If you have to go to a nursing home and I find out that someone hurt you, I will blow the place up."
tornadoes all around me >:(
Quote from: calico on May 20, 2013, 06:42:48 PM
tornadoes all around me >:(
Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for you to be safe
Hugs
Quote from: V M on May 20, 2013, 06:51:03 PM
Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for you to be safe
Hugs
+1 Yes hope you will be OK!
Forgetting two king size candy bars in the glove box in the car. Now I have chocolate sauce in plastic wrappers. Gonna see what happens after they solidify in the fridge for a bit. I so wanted some chocolate tonight too. :icon_cry:
^ I did that with deodorant once, although I didn't realize it had melted until I started to apply it...Not a fun mess to clean up.
Well, I went out to look for some clothes earlier. Found some good fitting shorts, but not shirts. Which is really depressing, as I basically just own women's shirts right now. So that kinda got my anxiety on edge, and then I spent the rest of the night with strangers, not drinking because all there was to drink was skunked beer, so I ended up just being anxious and alone. Staring at all the cis guys with their wider bone structure that lets them fill out men's clothes, all the while having no one to talk to. Safe to say, I'm incredibly depressed for the night. Oh, and then Bottom of the Bottle by Hollywood Undead came on in my car. That, uh...definitely didn't help pick me up...
I made the mistake of clicking on a thread in the Politics forum and read post that defends the criminalization of homosexuality, declaring such a thing to NOT be bigotry.
Right, I forgot. I'm queer and therefore I should just let the majority tell me what's right and wrong in my sex life.
Blargh.
Insomnia. AGAIN. What's worse is...once 4 am passes, I start to go to really strange and upsetting places mentally. *sigh* It's now almost 6 am. Screw it, I'm not even going to try to sleep anymore, I'll just stay up all the time until I pass out for a few hours.
Quote from: Prof HB on May 21, 2013, 06:48:54 AM
Insomnia. AGAIN. What's worse is...once 4 am passes, I start to go to really strange and upsetting places mentally. *sigh* It's now almost 6 am. Screw it, I'm not even going to try to sleep anymore, I'll just stay up all the time until I pass out for a few hours.
I got 3 hours of sleep the other night, and it's probably what made me suicidal for a little while. That was not a fun time.
I'm realizing that in the moment of confrontation I get really meek and complacent when I should be getting angry. Well, the moment has passed and now I'm angry. My roommate was complaining that he's
trying to use my name and it's
so hard and he just needs a little
time because he's known me for
so long. Well guess what buddy, my sister knew me for 18 years before I chose a different name, and she does just fine. Not perfect, but a heck of a lot better than you've been doing.
My friend just pointed out that I knew myself for 20 years before I changed my name and I'm doing a fine job of it. :P
Quote from: Prof HB on May 21, 2013, 06:48:54 AM
Insomnia. AGAIN. What's worse is...once 4 am passes, I start to go to really strange and upsetting places mentally. *sigh* It's now almost 6 am. Screw it, I'm not even going to try to sleep anymore, I'll just stay up all the time until I pass out for a few hours.
I've got just the thing to help you..
Gordon Brown at INET's Bretton Woods Conference 2011 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T70RfPGNhA8#)
It's a speech by former UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown.. here you can hear him speaking publicly for nearly 50 minutes.
Hope it helps.
So there I was in my undies....Blerg! ::)
Dawww Shan. I think we all feel like that. I know I do! X
There is peanut butter all over the living room. All the dirty laundry was taken out of the hamper. Chocolate milk was spilled on my bed.
I felt something click in my back and now I'm walking like a half shut pen knife,slowly and painfully
I am apprehensive about talking to my therapist today. She hasn't sent the letter like she told me she would and last time I talked to her she was very rude, aggressive, and didn't listen to me at all.
Tried to complete the paperwork & get a photo taken so that I can update my driving licence to reflect my correct name & gender. Should be simple, right?
I couldn't do it.
I wound up having an autistic meltdown because I couldn't figure out the correct procedure and there was no explanatory information to help. It's like they expect everyone to know what to do & who to talk to - and being autistic, I don't know their secret handshake.
On top of that, I was massively triggered the other day by a thread here and it's made me question whether it's worth my while continuing, because my life is always going to have lots of 'buts' in it. As in: yes, I really am a guy and I always have been for as long as I can remember... but I don't have the private parts you want so you probably won't want me, or you'll think of me as being really a girl. This 'female' thing that I was born with is always going to follow me around; I can't see how I can ever be 100% rid of it. And I desperately, desperately need to be 100% rid of it.
Life's tough enough when you're trans. Boy, is it tough. But when you're also autistic, it's pretty much impossible. :(
Quote from: Edge on May 22, 2013, 07:31:19 AM
I am apprehensive about talking to my therapist today. She hasn't sent the letter like she told me she would and last time I talked to her she was very rude, aggressive, and didn't listen to me at all.
It may be time to stand up and lean down with both hands on her desk in an intimidating fashion and tell her that she's not living up to your expectations. It has always worked for me! :icon_poke:
My mum came round to see me today, my brother has had health problems for the last couple of years & they've just diagnosed the problem, he's got Wilsons disease which causes copper to build up in the body.
The two main effects of this are liver disease & brain damage, he's already showing signs of brain damage. The doctors have told him that the life expectancy of someone suffering from this is 40 & he's 43.
I have an appointment with my GP next week to speak about getting tested as I exibit some of the neurological symptoms such as depression, anxiety & apathy, I also suffer from hand tremors but have always been told by doctors that this is common amongst people suffering severe eczema like myself.
I've spent the day telling myself that my depression is just due to being trans & the anxiety & apathy are part & parcel of the depression but it's going to be a big worry until i've been tested.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on May 22, 2013, 08:40:07 AM
I was massively triggered the other day by a thread here and it's made me question whether it's worth my while continuing, because my life is always going to have lots of 'buts' in it. As in: yes, I really am a guy and I always have been for as long as I can remember... but I don't have the private parts you want so you probably won't want me, or you'll think of me as being really a girl. This 'female' thing that I was born with is always going to follow me around; I can't see how I can ever be 100% rid of it. And I desperately, desperately need to be 100% rid of it.
Life's tough enough when you're trans. Boy, is it tough. But when you're also autistic, it's pretty much impossible. :(
A short answer to your question, yes it is worth while continuing.
A longer answer is that no matter what path we take in life there will always be "buts" it's just a part of life. Life is precious & we have no guarantee of another chance of life so reach out & grab every chance of inner peace & happiness.
Thanks Julie,Cocodamol has eased the pain and I can walk properly again
Whole flocks of deer flies attacking me while I was mowing. And summer coming to us with a vengeance, like its trying to make up for lost time.
Quote from: JulieR on May 22, 2013, 11:57:39 AM
I'd suggest you add the Alleve into the mix as well. Cocodamol is great for relieving the pain (We call it Vicodin here) but it does nothing for any swelling or inflamation. Alleve is a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory. Likely it's the inflammation that is maintaining pressure in a bad spot. You may have the beginnings of arthritis.
Good point Julie! I prefer to follow up with a visit to a licensed massage therapist who will get the blood flowing around the traumatized area setting the stage for quicker healing.
So many dishes to do....
Quote from: Malachite on May 22, 2013, 07:51:11 PM
So many dishes to do....
You can do mine next if you like. :P
Insomnia... again :P Really bugs me out, I feel tired so I go lay down, but I can't get to sleep or I sleep for an hour or so and wake up and can't get back to sleep
So then I get up and find something to do for awhile then try again :P So then when I finally get to sleep it's time to get up and get going... Arrrrgh!!!
Quote from: V M on May 23, 2013, 04:38:39 PM
Insomnia... again :P Really bugs me out, I feel tired so I go lay down, but I can't get to sleep or I sleep for an hour or so and wake up and can't get back to sleep
So then I get up and find something to do for awhile then try again :P So then when I finally get to sleep it's time to get up and get going... Arrrrgh!!!
What's causing that Virginia?
I have reached a stage in my transtion where I am very much starting to be at peace with myself.
This has brought unexpected urges with it though, urges to find a partner.
I came very close to having a girlfriend, she was interested in me, we clicked instantly. She is practically pro everything, even has a friend who is MTF and she has supported her the whole way. But despite her assurance she sees me as the man I am, when I told her i was FTM that attraction seemed to ebb away. Now we are just good friends and she is dating someone else.
I can't begin to tell you how lonely I feel because of it and how hopeless dating seems.
I got a check from a short sale for a house of mine but I don't get to cash it :'( and I could really use the money.
the check has to be in mine and my deceased wife's name, the only way to get it in my name only it to probate her death, going to court and doing probate would cost $500 AND I am certain the wife of my father-in-law >:-) would come and contest it and insist she get most of the check. Leaving me with nothing from the check and the bill for the probate. :(
Quote from: vegie271 on May 23, 2013, 05:05:04 PM
I got a check from a short sale for a house of mine but I don't get to cash it :'( and I could really use the money.
the check has to be in mine and my deceased wife's name, the only way to get it in my name only it to probate her death, going to court and doing probate would cost $500 AND I am certain the wife of my father-in-law >:-) would come and contest it and insist she get most of the check. Leaving me with nothing from the check and the bill for the probate. :(
That's kind of an unfortunate situation, perhaps you need legal counsel?
Quote from: Shantel on May 23, 2013, 04:41:11 PM
What's causing that Virginia?
A variety of things, everything and nothing at the same time, sometimes I'm not sure
Oh well, the things about this world that suck just makes me appreciate the good things that happen that much more
Seeing a pair of skinhead dirtbags swaggering down the street wearing white pride t shirts and having to explain to a beautiful young coloured girl that we're not all like that and to wait inside til they went past
Quote from: Shantel on May 23, 2013, 05:10:08 PM
That's kind of an unfortunate situation, perhaps you need legal counsel?
The chack is only $1000, I checked with the free and low cost places I don't qualify, a lawyer would cost too much, take all of the check them selves, I pretty much can never win in any situation I have ever found myself in my life
you would not believe how many times I have been ripped off or taken by people
Quote from: Jam on May 23, 2013, 04:59:53 PM
I have reached a stage in my transtion where I am very much starting to be at peace with myself.
This has brought unexpected urges with it though, urges to find a partner.
I came very close to having a girlfriend, she was interested in me, we clicked instantly. She is practically pro everything, even has a friend who is MTF and she has supported her the whole way. But despite her assurance she sees me as the man I am, when I told her i was FTM that attraction seemed to ebb away. Now we are just good friends and she is dating someone else.
I can't begin to tell you how lonely I feel because of it and how hopeless dating seems.
Hi Jam! ;D (it's Caleb with another name change in case you didn't know, lol)
I'm unhappy because I got called ma'am while picking up my passport. :( but, I was called "Mr" at the store, and I pass enough now so that being called ma'am made me make a "wtf" face instead of a "WHY BODY WHY" face. :P
Quote from: Renee on May 23, 2013, 03:05:32 PM
You can do mine next if you like. :P
Lol no thanks
Setting off an alarm in a public lavatory..
I was caught short while out in Central London and so went to one of those public lavatories you put 20p in, you know? Like a Tardis.
So I'm there not long and I'm looking for toilet paper but can't find any, and I'm prodding and poking around and I hit this button thinking it will produce some toilet paper.
That's when the lights went out. Then without any warning this red light comes on, a very loud alarm starts to sound and the door starts to open, and there's me sitting there on the john, long dress hitched up, underwear and tights round my ankles..
Just as I'm realizing that maybe I should have got up the moment I first noticed the door moving I also notice all these tourists and rush hour commuters out in the street looking at me.
Then just I'm thinking 'this can't get any worse' my nerves get the better of me and I fart.. and it's a real Louis Armstrong type which gets amplified by the bowl I'm sitting on.
I kick off my shoes and take the tights off, pick up my shoes and leave the rest behind as I try to walk out the wailing public loo as if thing sort of thing happens to me all the time.
Fortunately at the bus stop there's this group of American tourists I hide behind so I can put my shoes on (got to love Americans).
Then when I get on the bus I realize that I left my shopping in the public loo.
Oh Stella, lol. That's crappy (no pun intended). *big hug*
Stella,
OMG what a frickin nightmare, you poor girl! Sorry for laughing but it seemed like such a comedic event. ;D :D :laugh:
There are some days we'd like to go back to bed and start the day over.
My computer is just not working right none of the browsers want to work at all, IE has a stupid popup that I see in everyones Adobe and it just keep saying ignore? and I tell it yes and it refuses to ignore!!! :P
Google chrome refuses to let me play video, there is a shockwave crash, I use the fix they say to use and that make it so that there is a green screen when I play them :(
Firefox refuses to let me enter any passwords for my sites! >:(
Dysphoria and my bad vision.
It's 4 am and my son is wide awake.
Waking up with grown facial hair in the morning. Having to shave it off ferociously. :-\
My armpit is very sore for some reason. When I raise it up, it looks like sore patches where the hair grows. This has me concerned.
The fact that women won't stop staring at me for my voice...
Well, a few women. But even just one ruins my entire day. I don't like feeling like a freak in a zoo cage. :'(
After listening to my S.O. coughing, sneezing and wheezing for a week, I woke up this morning with a basso voice that scared me. I thought there was a man in the room >:(
I'm at my brother-in-law's for the weekend. My wife and sister-in-law are off for mani/petties and im stuck shooting trap. -_-
Quote from: Keaira on May 26, 2013, 11:05:37 AM
I'm at my brother-in-law's for the weekend. My wife and sister-in-law are off for mani/petties and im stuck shooting trap. -_-
Trade ya?
Making breakfast 3 days in a row
Quote from: Shantel on May 26, 2013, 11:24:52 AM
Trade ya?
I would, but I have to practice again with my 12 gauge shotgun. It has more kick than I expected and my shoulder is achy from yesterday.
*does Keaira's nails and toes* I can't promise this will look good.
A couple people called me "she" even though I introduced myself as Victor and they know I'm trans.
My computer has been having problems and someone proposed a fix, I tried to download it, the thing that I tried to download, it didn't come
BUT 20 other things came down and polluted my computer and it took me 2 hours to clean my computer, not only that it erased my whole browser history and my whole browser setup including the way my browser remembers to keep my tabs and the dictionary and it added extensions I did not want and a bunch of games I did not want
and in the end I still have my problem! >:(
Quote from: Shantel on May 26, 2013, 08:34:47 AM
After listening to my S.O. coughing, sneezing and wheezing for a week, I woke up this morning with a basso voice that scared me. I thought there was a man in the room >:(
Similar with me, had a sore throat the last few days and this morning, not so sore, but extra raspy and deeper than normal. I hope its better by tomorrow since I have to work and that means talking to people all day.
Quote from: Renee on May 26, 2013, 03:29:22 PM
Similar with me, had a sore throat the last few days and this morning, not so sore, but extra raspy and deeper than normal. I hope its better by tomorrow since I have to work and that means talking to people all day.
Not fun, a couple of hot coffees before you go will get you tuned back up!
We've found that my brand spanking new shotgun likes to drop rounds and stick empty cartriges. -_- and a whole weekend of wrong name and pronouns. Its been fun *sigh*
And we have established that I suck at shooting clay pigeons. And my shoulder aches.
Quote from: Keaira on May 26, 2013, 04:14:32 PM
We've found that my brand spanking new shotgun likes to drop rounds and stick empty cartriges. -_- and a whole weekend of wrong name and pronouns. Its been fun *sigh*
And we have established that I suck at shooting clay pigeons. And my shoulder aches.
If it's a Remington autoloader it's possible that the gas port is insufficient diameter, take it back to the supplier and tell them to fix it.
Quote from: Shantel on May 26, 2013, 04:19:06 PM
If it's a Remington autoloader it's possible that the gas port is insufficient diameter, take it back to the supplier and tell them to fix it.
Its a Mossberg 500 pump action . And we fixed the problem. My Brother-in-law bent the cartridge stop a bit more.we ran some more shells though and it didnt drop a single round. After shooting all day, my shoulder aches. I need a smaller shotgun I think because I have to reach longer than I should. Thank god this is just my home defense gun. I think my next gun will be a rifle. An nice one with a pink stock.
Oh, and we're staying here one more night -_-
I was cleaning today and didn't notice my cat was underfoot and stepped on his tail. He screamed bloody murder. He's ok, but was quite shooken up from the experience of me stepping on him. He's been eyeing me suspiciously all day now. Oh, and it is storming outside. I'm terrified of thunder, so every time there is a loud crack I jump. Damn me and my fear of loud noises.
Try Altoids. My friend uses them when he quits smoking, because they are so strong they help curb his need. And that way you have nice smelling breath at the same time! That way it helps keep you calm and keeps you from eating as much because you still have that feeling of something in your mouth. At least that is how I have come to understand it.
Quote from: Prof HB on May 23, 2013, 06:29:53 PM
Hi Jam! ;D (it's Caleb with another name change in case you didn't know, lol)
I'm unhappy because I got called ma'am while picking up my passport. :( but, I was called "Mr" at the store, and I pass enough now so that being called ma'am made me make a "wtf" face instead of a "WHY BODY WHY" face. :P
Hey dude we will have to have a catch up soon alright? Haha hope everythings well.
Quote from: vegie271 on May 26, 2013, 03:02:25 PM
My computer has been having problems and someone proposed a fix, I tried to download it, the thing that I tried to download, it didn't come
BUT 20 other things came down and polluted my computer and it took me 2 hours to clean my computer, not only that it erased my whole browser history and my whole browser setup including the way my browser remembers to keep my tabs and the dictionary and it added extensions I did not want and a bunch of games I did not want
and in the end I still have my problem! >:(
Mozilla Firefox by any chance?
Forgot to do an assignment until the last hour of when they are usually due which is by 12, but this time the teacher makes it due before 11. I still did it even though it was 50 minutes late. It was a simple assignment too and everyone turned it in before 9 p.m. I feel like such an idiot.
My PSP game needs a replacement case. I have no intention of buying once since I'm trying to sell all of my PSP stuff which means I have to lower the price of the game a lot
There was a huge roack on my bed I tried to kill but it escape. It's still lurking around.
I have a ton of dishes to do and I need to reorganize my room because it's a mess.
This day just hasn't went well for me.
One of those tiny screws popped out of the right side of my eyeglasses and the lens popped out... I was able to recover the lens but now I need a screw
Dang, I hate it when my screws come loose, I guess I'll have to ride half blind to the optometrist tomorrow to get it fixed
Gunna be honest here and say that I almost had a complete meltdown and supressed all of my gender thoughts and feelings away. Almost gave up on all of it. Thanks to my friends I calmed down, but it was still really hard.
Staying one more night here. The things I do for my wife. I feel as welcome as an African-American at a Clan rally.
Tomorrow im going to make a point of relling my brother in law, " why should I come down and be with "family" who make me feel unwelcome. Im not doing it again.
Quote from: Keaira on May 27, 2013, 11:37:51 PM
Staying one more night here. The things I do for my wife. I feel as welcome as an African-American at a Clan rally.
Tomorrow im going to make a point of relling my brother in law, " why should I come down and be with "family" who make me feel unwelcome. Im not doing it again.
I'm sorry your family are being so bad. *hugs*
I'm really struggling with my chest today. I go back and forth as to what gender I am because sometimes I like to dress girly. I like to wear dresses and lolita. But then I have days like this where I look down to see a very not flat chest. I bought this shirt a while back because it looked good with my curves and made me feel pretty. Right now all it is doing is just making me angry and because I work a double at work I'm stuck in it all day. It is starting to make me bitter. And the fact that it is really humid out isn't helping AT ALL.
/end rant
Quote from: Darkie on May 28, 2013, 12:14:48 PM
I'm really struggling with my chest today. I go back and forth as to what gender I am because sometimes I like to dress girly. I like to wear dresses and lolita. But then I have days like this where I look down to see a very not flat chest. I bought this shirt a while back because it looked good with my curves and made me feel pretty. Right now all it is doing is just making me angry and because I work a double at work I'm stuck in it all day. It is starting to make me bitter. And the fact that it is really humid out isn't helping AT ALL.
/end rant
Hang in there hon, this too will pass!
small thing but the fact I still can't figure out my sizes in clothes grr.
" come on Debbie, stop hitting it like a straight girl". As I hit nails flat into the floor. We are tearing up carpeting so that he can lay laminate flooring.
I'm so happy my gender identity is just a big joke. -_-
Just couldn't face getting up or dressed on my day off so I didn't bother and put off stuff I have to do tomorrow
Quote from: Keaira on May 28, 2013, 05:03:27 PM
" come on Debbie, stop hitting it like a straight girl". As I hit nails flat into the floor. We are tearing up carpeting so that he can lay laminate flooring.
I'm so happy my gender identity is just a big joke. -_-
I say you hit a nail in his head with the fore of a big raging bulldyke. :)
It's thundering like crazy outside and the weather looks baaad.
Sharing living space with someone who is convinced I'm evil.
Quote from: suzifrommd on May 29, 2013, 04:38:45 PM
Sharing living space with someone who is convinced I'm evil.
Poor baby, (((Hugs)))
Monster physical pain today :P
My irritable bowel syndrome started again
Guess I'm not alone here. spent a week with my wife coughing incessantly in my face at night. Finally I got it and haven't had more than a few winks of sleep these last three nights. Spent last night sleeping on my back in a love seat with my lower legs hanging over an arm while trying to swallow the serrated steak knife that seems to be lodged in my throat. Not fun! I will survive! Jack Daniels and honey seems to help for awhile. I'll have to have an AA counseling session with Devlyn when it's over.
Another sudden and bad case of the I'll Never Be Pregnant blues.
I got ANOTHER stupid flat tire on my bicycle that makes FOUR tubes this month this is getting fraking expensive :'( and very frustrating I NEED that stupid thing, and I cannot stand the bus, I am autistic, I would rather pound my head against the cement than ride the bus! :'(
I had to go grocery shopping with my SO earlier today and going always is emotionally exhausting. I was in a good mood when I got home and then it just went downhill fast. Right now I'm so emotionally exhausted I just want to curl up. I was going to start up my blog but I can't even think straight. I should probably put this in my blog, but I felt like putting it here as I figured it was more fitting...
Feeling like the friends I have had forever are drifting further and further apart as I move further towards transition.
Quote from: laurenlg on May 29, 2013, 10:47:10 PM
Feeling like the friends I have had forever are drifting further and further apart as I move further towards transition.
yup had this happen :-\ -hugs-
My inner thighs are aching pretty badly. Spent the day tearing out carpet and little staples at my Brother-in-laws. He kept the trans comments to himself today. I'm off home tomorrow.
Quote from: laurenlg on May 29, 2013, 10:47:10 PM
Feeling like the friends I have had forever are drifting further and further apart as I move further towards transition.
I've had this all my life. It comes with being an Army Brat. But, I'm happy to tell you that it is possible to keep those friends through transition. The ones who matter and are true friends will stay with you through it all. Just remember, they will be transitioning with you. They will slip up, make mistakes, but be patient. *hugs*
Getting an absence strike in my class all because I turned in a stupid assignment 45 minutes late. I can only get one more or they will drop me.
Spider on my shower curtain. o_o
I've been in a bad mood for the past two days. But, I just woke up from having fallen asleep off and on for the past hourish, so hopefully that helps. But, the weather has been really crazy today so that doesn't help. Yay for living in Iowa. >>
Keaira asked if I knew Kinder surprise eggs, which we have tons of. I said yes and she made a sad face, because she can't get them and says that she grew up on them. so, I was going to grab some and bring them tomorrow as a surprise, and it turns out, they're illegal to bring over the border! You get a $300 fine because of the "choking hazard." That's ridiculous. If you have kids that are too little for a Kinder Surprise egg, don't buy them the bloody egg. Be a good parent!
Quote from: Prof HB on May 30, 2013, 11:39:05 PM
Keaira asked if I knew Kinder surprise eggs, which we have tons of. I said yes and she made a sad face, because she can't get them and says that she grew up on them. so, I was going to grab some and bring them tomorrow as a surprise, and it turns out, they're illegal to bring over the border! You get a $300 fine because of the "choking hazard." That's ridiculous. If you have kids that are too little for a Kinder Surprise egg, don't buy them the bloody egg. Be a good parent!
Sadly we are suddenly stuck with a lot of ridiculous nanny state laws where big brother slaps our little hands if we're naughty and don't obey. But then again, you wouldn't want Keaira to have a choking incident. :icon_peace:
So today I'm wearing a T-Shirt bearing the words "I see stupid people".
Not a problem (heck, I see them every single day, LOL) - but I went to a local supermarket at lunchtime and I saw that one of my favourite cashiers was looking quiet, so I made a beeline for her till and we struck up our usual friendly conversation whilst she scanned my items.
It wasn't until I saw her intently reading the words on my T-Shirt that it occurred to me that perhaps today wasn't the right day to line up at the till of my favourite cashier who happens to have Down's Syndrome. :embarrassed:
Quote from: FTMDiaries on May 31, 2013, 10:21:50 AM
So today I'm wearing a T-Shirt bearing the words "I see stupid people".
Not a problem (heck, I see them every single day, LOL) - but I went to a local supermarket at lunchtime and I saw that one of my favourite cashiers was looking quiet, so I made a beeline for her till and we struck up our usual friendly conversation whilst she scanned my items.
It wasn't until I saw her intently reading the words on my T-Shirt that it occurred to me that perhaps today wasn't the right day to line up at the till of my favourite cashier who happens to have Down's Syndrome. :embarrassed:
You're so naughty! ::)
I feel like I'll never get started on T or saving for top surgery because every time I think I'm going to be in a good place financially something happens. This time my gf was in a wreck. She's fine, thank God, but the car is done for and insurance won't pay for it. Plus the ticket total is over 500 dollars. So I have no way to get to a therapist and no money for anything. Ugh.
Quote from: Shantel on May 31, 2013, 10:41:54 AM
You're so naughty! ::)
I was kicking myself all the way back to the office. What a dingbat!
Quote from: FTMDiaries on May 31, 2013, 11:06:13 AM
I was kicking myself all the way back to the office. What a dingbat!
Don't be too hard on yourself, I've done much worse.
Quote from: ZoeM on May 30, 2013, 08:31:57 PM
Spider on my shower curtain. o_o
Just think of it an an inexpensive source of protein. The spider ... not the shower curtain.
Quote from: Miss Bungle on May 31, 2013, 04:53:41 PM
I got called "sir" by some stupid old broad at the store.
This hasn't happened in several months and I have no idea what could have caused it.
It's depressing as hell because it makes me think that this whole thing is just a waste of time and an entirely futile effort.
If only my body hadn't been ravaged by testosterone...... :'(
Damn it.. :(
Your recent avatar, holding Portia, did not give any hint of maleness.
Quote from: Jamie D on May 31, 2013, 05:00:15 PM
Your recent avatar, holding Portia, did not give any hint of maleness.
I thought the exact same thing. That stupid old broad needs to get her eyes tested.
Discovered even more people i knew were backstabbing liars. If they are already treating me like this for my Aspergers, then all i can say is wow, you call yourself concerned and professional.
Quote from: Miss Bungle on May 31, 2013, 05:29:51 PM
Yeah...well, she DID get it right once she saw the name on the insurance card....but it still hurts.
Indeed it does. :(
*hugs*
Reading about Liam's lamb made me sad today. :( Sorry man!
Quote from: Liam Erik on May 31, 2013, 09:33:35 PM
One of my lambs broke his leg very badly in a very bad place and earned an early ticket to the butcher. He's only two and a half months old, but he weighs sixty pounds, so at least he's worth some meat and a nice little hide. Poor dude >:( the spoiled fat boy of the lot, I was sure he would grow up huge.
<--My avatar's first offspring, actually.
Quote from: ZoeM on May 31, 2013, 06:05:58 AM
I kno rite? XD
I had what I think might have been a brown recluse hanging from a web right infront of my face this morning when I got out of the shower and had wrapped my hair up. I about wet myself.
Quote from: Darkie on May 31, 2013, 09:40:38 PM
I had what I think might have been a brown recluse hanging from a web right infront of my face this morning when I got out of the shower and had wrapped my hair up. I about wet myself.
You win... D:
Quote from: ZoeM on May 31, 2013, 09:53:15 PM
You win... D:
It was terrifying. I just turn around and was like, oh, hello. Watched him slowly go down till he was on the sink. Tried killing him with a mug. Didn't work. Oh, and we found out that apparently the last power serge from the storms today fried our microwave.
F'ING tornado :( no power and it looks like it might be out for days
Seeing someone get kicked in the head in a fight,I helped put him on his side and luckily he came round before the ambulance got there and seemed to be OK
Dysphoric over that ribcage size poll. :(
Also slightly concerned over why my dysphoria never leads to crying - just a sort of dull frustrated tension. I think my E may be too low. Which doesn't help. :(
Quote from: ZoeM on June 01, 2013, 03:51:09 PM
Dysphoric over that ribcage size poll. :(
Also slightly concerned over why my dysphoria never leads to crying - just a sort of dull frustrated tension. I think my E may be too low. Which doesn't help. :(
Hey hon, I'm going to pm you about that! You've read my post in that thread haven't you? Not all trans women are smaller than the cis female average. The gals that posted there are really petite!
Quote from: Shantel on June 01, 2013, 03:55:35 PM
Hey hon, I'm going to pm you about that! You've read my post in that thread haven't you? Not all trans women are smaller than the cis female average. The gals that posted there are really petite!
I know, Shantel. I know. But my subconscious doesn't.
Quote from: ZoeM on June 01, 2013, 03:51:09 PM
Dysphoric over that ribcage size poll. :(
Also slightly concerned over why my dysphoria never leads to crying - just a sort of dull frustrated tension. I think my E may be too low. Which doesn't help. :(
Zoe what your going through is normal I started having real bad dysphoria around the forth month I don't talk about it much but I do it does come through in some of my postings. I know these feelings are horrible but they are not real. In fact I hate to admit it but the last day has been the hardest for me since I started hrt and I am not exaggerating. What I've learned is don't trust what your feeling when your going through one of these moods they tend to lie and cannot be trusted. If you need a friend you can pm me anytime I deal with these feelings too! :)
I I'm going to lose my house, maybe my job, I am never going to have enough money to cover basic transition stuff, I don't know how I am going to have enough money to live, and I am going to be a house less, that's even before you count the family and friends that I am losing and stand to lose because of my gender changing. Just feeling that my life is going down the pan and I have to just sit and watch it wash away taking my hopes and dreams with it.
Quote from: ZoeM on June 01, 2013, 03:51:09 PM
Dysphoric over that ribcage size poll. :(
Also slightly concerned over why my dysphoria never leads to crying - just a sort of dull frustrated tension. I think my E may be too low. Which doesn't help. :(
There are too many of these "measure this, measure that" ideas. The only measurement that counts is between your ears. I don't recommend sticking a ruler there! Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on June 01, 2013, 04:52:18 PM
There are too many of these "measure this, measure that" ideas. The only measurement that counts is between your ears. I don't recommend sticking a ruler there! Hugs, Devlyn
Yup! :D
Quote from: Steph21 ♡♡♡ on June 01, 2013, 04:47:18 PM
I I'm going to lose my house, maybe my job, I am never going to have enough money to cover basic transition stuff, I don't know how I am going to have enough money to live, and I am going to be a house less, that's even before you count the family and friends that I am losing and stand to lose because of my gender changing. Just feeling that my life is going down the pan and I have to just sit and watch it wash away taking my hopes and dreams with it.
No, hon, you have it backwards. Your new life is coming in like the tide. It will get better. Hugs, Devlyn
Still no power :(
Steph, I really do know how you feel. I have that feeling constantly. If there was anything I could do to help, I would. If you need to vent or relate, though, Im here.
Quote from: Miss Bungle on May 31, 2013, 05:29:51 PM
Thanks, Jamie. :)
I hate to be such a stickler but her name is P-O-R-T-I-A.
:)
I corrected my error in the post, and the first quotation.
My apologies.
Quote from: Steph21 ♡♡♡ on June 01, 2013, 04:47:18 PM
I I'm going to lose my house, maybe my job, I am never going to have enough money to cover basic transition stuff, I don't know how I am going to have enough money to live, and I am going to be a house less, that's even before you count the family and friends that I am losing and stand to lose because of my gender changing. Just feeling that my life is going down the pan and I have to just sit and watch it wash away taking my hopes and dreams with it.
There are ways to stave off foreclosure, while you get back on your feet.
I would talk to legal aid attorneys, and try to sell you home, if possible, even in a short sale. And there is always bankruptcy.
If that is your last option, conserve your cash, and let your debts go through the legal system .
Missed my girl bad today.. :'(
Kelly, I'd give you a big bear hug, but my arms aren't 13,000 kilometers long :-\
So, a virtual one will have to do for now.
Quote from: Steph21 ♡♡♡ on June 01, 2013, 04:47:18 PM
I I'm going to lose my house, maybe my job, I am never going to have enough money to cover basic transition stuff, I don't know how I am going to have enough money to live, and I am going to be a house less, that's even before you count the family and friends that I am losing and stand to lose because of my gender changing. Just feeling that my life is going down the pan and I have to just sit and watch it wash away taking my hopes and dreams with it.
At times like this it pains me to know how helpless we all are to reach out to you and aid you in any appreciable way in resolving those horrendous issues that you are faced with Steoh other than by prayerful thoughts hopefully generating sone loving kindness in your favor by unseen forces. My best to you dear! xoxo
I met my next-door-neighbour's new fancy man over the garden wall. The conversation went something like this:
Fancy Man: "Hi! We haven't met yet. I'm Paul!"
Me: "Hi! I'm MaleName. Nice to meet you!"
Fancy Man's eyebrows go up
Fancy Man: "Are you really?".
Me: "Yes, I am."
Fancy Man beats a very hasty retreat back into his house.
Ugh. C'mon, GIC! I need HRT stat!
Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 03, 2013, 05:33:37 AM
I met my next-door-neighbour's new fancy man over the garden wall. The conversation went something like this:
Fancy Man: "Hi! We haven't met yet. I'm Paul!"
Me: "Hi! I'm MaleName. Nice to meet you!"
Fancy Man's eyebrows go up
Fancy Man: "Are you really?".
Me: "Yes, I am."
Fancy Man beats a very hasty retreat back into his house.
Ugh. C'mon, GIC! I need HRT stat!
At least you won't have him knocking on the door in the wee hours wanting to borrow a little sugar.
Waking up with sciatica
Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 03, 2013, 05:33:37 AM
Fancy Man beats a very hasty retreat back into his house.
A good thing too. I understand it's quite easy to catch "The Trans".
Quote from: suzifrommd on June 03, 2013, 08:57:46 AM
A good thing too. I understand it's quite easy to catch "The Trans".
Heh, I had some Neanderthal address me as 'love' on Saturday. I laughed my socks off. I thought: "If you only knew..."
Quote from: Shantel on June 03, 2013, 08:15:04 AM
At least you won't have him knocking on the door in the wee hours wanting to borrow a little sugar.
I can only imagine the conversation that happened afterwards. My neighbour has known me by my (old, female) name for several years now but she doesn't know I'm transitioning. Now I've just introduced myself to her partner using my new name. I bet THAT was a fun conversation!
Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 03, 2013, 09:26:35 AM
I can only imagine the conversation that happened afterwards. My neighbour has known me by my (old, female) name for several years now but she doesn't know I'm transitioning. Now I've just introduced myself to her partner using my new name. I bet THAT was a fun conversation!
Probably would have been fun to overhear that conversation, oh well, you're out of that closet now! :)
Stay strong Steph,it does get better
My internship apparently put all their eggs in my basket and I can barely go a day without breaking down.
3-4 footprints right where I'd just planted a row of green beans >:( *Sigh* Some folks just have their heads up their :icon_censored:
Why does Zoe have to be such a common trans name, anyway? D:
One of my "friends" tagged me in a post about an imaginary "mental hospital." The first post was fine. Comments added to it were definitely offensive. Another of my "friends" is one of the people who made an offensive comment.
I called them out on it, of course. I was probably more hostile than I needed to be, but I wanted to make sure I got the point across. Kicking people when they're down is weak.
Twisted my ankle last night, now my right foot is hurting like a mother. :(
Quoted from my blog,
"Honestly at this point I feel like ->-bleeped-<- everyday before I go to work. It's like the morning is here and Naomi has to put on a mask so that she can pretend to be a cis guy to placate other people but the mask is gross, smells nasty, and doesn't fit right."
I appreciate I'm fortunate to already have two biological kids of my own when so many of my friends here yearn to have children but aren't able to... but I've just been to see my GP and she has basically told me that I have to permanently shelve any thoughts of having another biological child by any means whatsoever. The alarm on my biological clock has started ringing.
Darn, it hurts.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 04, 2013, 10:32:25 AM
I appreciate I'm fortunate to already have two biological kids of my own when so many of my friends here yearn to have children but aren't able to... but I've just been to see my GP and she has basically told me that I have to permanently shelve any thoughts of having another biological child by any means whatsoever. The alarm on my biological clock has started ringing.
Darn, it hurts.
So, you want another child? Why is she saying to permanently shelve it? No eggs? Something to do with transition?
Personally, I've been feeling a bit sadly lately that I'll never have a child. Probably could physically still have one if I stopped T, but just couldn't physically go with it. Don't have the funds to store eggs and the harvesting process doesn't sound too pleasant either.
@NSFA: I've been discussing with the GIC the possibility of storing some eggs before I start T so that I can somehow have another kid with a new partner, even if via a surrogate. But my GP says it's too late: my eggs are already scrambled. And anyway, as you rightly say the harvesting process is horrible: I couldn't put myself through it due to the feminising hormones.
3 1/2 billion years of life on this planet. Our DNA, dating back to our one-celled ancestors in the murky primordial seas, drives us to reproduce. There are 7 billion of us now. Choosing not the have children is highly personal. But there are tens of millions of children in dire circumstances, that need a parent.
Some estimates are as high as 150 million children who have been abandoned, or lost one or both parents. That's what makes me sad.
I used to go into intense depressions because I've always wanted to be able to get a woman pregnant. It makes my heart ache to know that I'll never be a biological daddy.
Getting to work looking forward to the routine of doing paperwork, getting ready to open, etc., then smelling something and going to check the public restroom and apparently the idiot that worked last night didn't feel it necessary to check anything before they left or even clean the bathroom as I found that someone had spread their waste all over the toilet, the floor next to it and part of the wall. I almost added my own barf to the mess, but after disinfecting everything, spraying smelly stuff and a few buckets of hot water and bleach along with a lot of paper towels, got it clean, but it blew my schedule and had to rush to get my work done so I could open and still had some paperwork left to do which is aggravating when having to deal with customers at the same time.
But on the plus side, I have photographic evidence of the mess and after chatting with my boss, looks like he will finally be written up for not doing his job which includes general cleanup. And I think the other dumbass is probably about to give her two weeks notice soon too. So I may have to work a lot of overtime soon, but it'll be extra money plus I won't have to do two jobs for the pay of one as it seems I have to do now.
Gawd that's disgusting Renee! Hope the boss shows that dork the door! When employment is so hard to find these days you'd think that people would show more interest in the job than that!
Quote from: Shantel on June 04, 2013, 06:02:56 PM
Gawd that's disgusting Renee! Hope the boss shows that dork the door! When employment is so hard to find these days you'd think that people would show more interest in the job than that!
Around here, too many people want a paycheck but not do anything for it. Disability is high around here as well and a lot of it is bs.
Quote from: Renee on June 04, 2013, 06:09:29 PM
Around here, too many people want a paycheck but not do anything for it. Disability is high around here as well and a lot of it is bs.
Yes, I think it's a national epidemic!
Power outage while I was on the potty and had paperwork to do :o But what really makes me nervous is the fear it could kill my computer
Quote from: JulieR on June 05, 2013, 07:00:14 PM
Got a call from my doc, he wants me to come in for an ultra sound. My liver enzymes were elevated. That's not surprising, I drank my way through quitting nicotine over the past 3 months. I quit alcohol last Friday, hope it's not so bad that it will throw my endo off when I have my first appointment in a week to discuss starting HRT.
Good luck Julie, geeze we are all so self destructive at times!
Small thing but buying a model kit only to be reminded how much I hate water slide decals, also I can feel a bad headache coming on :(
Sometimes I am unsure whether to post in here as the things I usually post are very minor things and seem almost pathetic in hindsight.
I locked my keys inside my chevy Blazer at the hotel.
Quote from: Keaira on June 06, 2013, 04:25:48 AM
I locked my keys inside my chevy Blazer at the hotel.
I always kept a secondary door lock key in the bottom of my purse, it would set off my car alarm when I opened the door :angel:
but then I could always turn the alarm off from inside the truck once I had my real keys from the ignition ;D I hated doing that, as you tell, I did it a LOT! ;D
Well, my school nurse said I was transsexual to fit in with the "crazy" people in my school and that I really was a lesbian :I
Quote from: Faun on June 06, 2013, 12:44:43 PM
Well, my school nurse said I was transsexual to fit in with the "crazy" people in my school and that I really was a lesbian :I
I have no words. The stupid, it burns.
Leaving here is going to be so hard. :( I'm going to cry so much.
Quote from: Prof HB on June 07, 2013, 03:57:01 AM
Leaving here is going to be so hard. :( I'm going to cry so much.
Me too.
:'(
Quote from: Faun on June 06, 2013, 12:44:43 PM
Well, my school nurse said I was transsexual to fit in with the "crazy" people in my school and that I really was a lesbian :I
Faun, you have to remember that there are an awful lot of idiots in the world. We can add your school nurse to the list.
Quote from: Faun on June 06, 2013, 12:44:43 PM
Well, my school nurse said I was transsexual to fit in with the "crazy" people in my school and that I really was a lesbian :I
This isn't nessicarily a bad thing Faun. Think of all the deverse people that you get to mingle with. When I was going through school, my choice was to fit in with the "Crazies", "Stoners", "Loners", "Losers" and "geeks". It was way more interesting than the crowd of overly priveladged, self centered, butt-kissing the teacher crowd that dominates the School Hierarchy that's prevailant in any school in any area that most people aspire to be accepted by.
when I looked at the weather this morning at 6:00 am it was 75 degrees. (23c) oh dear this is the LOW? not looking forward to this afternoon! ???
Grieving for the loss of a child I was supposed to have.
Hugs FTM. Big warm hugs x
Thanks Steph. I needed those hugs. :)
It's my last day with Caleb. Tomorrow I have to take him to the airport. :(
I took Caleb to the airport this morning. I managed not to cry right up until we hugged. Then it was on. I havent really stopped crying yet, lol. I'll see him online tonight, sure. But its not quite the same. I felt so... normal around him. All the trans issues just kind of vanished.
Quote from: Keaira on June 08, 2013, 07:54:52 AM
I took Caleb to the airport this morning. I managed not to cry right up until we hugged. Then it was on. I havent really stopped crying yet, lol. I'll see him online tonight, sure. But its not quite the same. I felt so... normal around him. All the trans issues just kind of vanished.
You both have come a long way together via Susan's, emails and skype, sharing intimate thoughts and feelings about yourselves, eventually great bonds are created. It's been a pleasure for all of us to have eavesdropped on you both as this great loving friendship developed, we are not all that lucky so it has been sweet of you both for sharing it with us.
Quote from: Keaira on June 08, 2013, 07:54:52 AM
I took Caleb to the airport this morning. I managed not to cry right up until we hugged. Then it was on. I havent really stopped crying yet, lol. I'll see him online tonight, sure. But its not quite the same. I felt so... normal around him. All the trans issues just kind of vanished.
You know, I have seen you cry before, but it was always a single tear or two. But when you cried as you hugged me, you had so many tears coming out all at once. I haven't seen that before. :( As you already know I cried on the plane. And I want to cry now lol.
We ended up running a bit late and i didn't have time to check my bag of clothes. My carry on holds all my documents, and everything sentimental that I received from Keaira while I was with her, but the bag she has...er, it basically contains my whole wardrobe! Lol (I wanted to buy new clothes anyway so they will stay with her). But they weren't all clean, so the poor thing has my dirty laundry and I feel pretty guilty. Bless her heart. <3
Quote from: Shantel on June 08, 2013, 08:07:45 AM
You both have come a long way together via Susan's, emails and skype, sharing intimate thoughts and feelings about yourselves, eventually great bonds are created. It's been a pleasure for all of us to have eavesdropped on you both as this great loving friendship developed, we are not all that lucky so it has been sweet of you both for sharing it with us.
And yes, we really have become good friends over this past year we have known each other. Part of the reason it was so hard to leave her is because she is one person I feel I can trust completely. And of course, actually making the steps to go there - giving her all my family's contact info, being in her home, meeting her family and watching the neighbourhood kids, trusting for my safety and happiness in her company, all of that has definitely upped the level of trust and closeness that I feel with her.
I want to go back as soon as possible. I'm going to quit eating out to help speed up saving for the next trip, lol. Also going to make sure I apply for jobs that pay well and give some vacation options.
Quote from: Shantel on June 08, 2013, 08:07:45 AM
You both have come a long way together via Susan's, emails and skype, sharing intimate thoughts and feelings about yourselves, eventually great bonds are created. It's been a pleasure for all of us to have eavesdropped on you both as this great loving friendship developed, we are not all that lucky so it has been sweet of you both for sharing it with us.
Having spent some actual, one-on-one time with him outside of a chatroom has been amazing. we chatted online via webcam while he was waiting for his next flight from Toronto, and it wasn't the same. It was like this:
Draw with Me (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRkgH7Uu-hA#)
I think i'm getting sick.
Constant coughs and runny nose.
My voice is completely hoarse.
Quote from: Keaira on June 08, 2013, 11:00:27 AM
Having spent some actual, one-on-one time with him outside of a chatroom has been amazing. we chatted online via webcam while he was waiting for his next flight from Toronto, and it wasn't the same. It was like this:
Draw with Me (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRkgH7Uu-hA#)
aww that video is so cute! but what was in the box? a new hand? ???
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on June 08, 2013, 05:59:04 PM
aww that video is so cute! but what was in the box? a new hand? ???
no, it was the girl's other hand. she gave up one of hers so he could draw again.
it was 106 today (41) I am on my 5th shower and still sticky.
Was having a great solo game on Black Ops 2 and got the scorestreak of the VTOL Warship but my PSN signed me out before I could use it UGH!!!!
There's water coming in through our kitchen ceiling, but it hasn't been raining and we live on the first of two floors. Must be our upstairs neighbor's sink leaking or something. I thought once we got the doorknob reattached and the washer fixed that we'd solved all the problems, but I guess not.
Also, I appear to be reaching that age where my friends are starting to get engaged and married, and it's making me feel really weird inside.
There is a wasp nest in the basement under my room and I have found one more than 1 occasion one of those bastards sneaking into my room. They don't get far though cause I killed them
I really, really miss Keaira. Hormones really helped to quiet a lot of noise in my head, making a lot of room to have full feelings. So, I'm fully very sad.
Spent most of the weekend in the local hospital because Hubby broke his foot whilst trying to help out a neighbour whose house had been vandalised.
Yup, that's how fun our lives are! ::)
Meeting a great girl who I felt comfortable around and made me feel pretty and like the real me only to wake up. Then while laying in bed awake realizing I will not only never meet anyone like her for real but I will never meet anyone period :(
Dreams why did you torment me so?
One of those days I wish I was in a coma(no offense to anyone who has been or known someone who was/is in a coma intended)
Quote from: Keaira on June 10, 2013, 01:59:42 AM
*huggles tight* I miss you too hun. Stupid unbreakable glass!
That pic was so hard to take. -_-
what made me unhappy today?? haha...i'm sure something will pop up :/
it always does. it's only 5am, something is bound to happen :( my higher power is really testing me these days
Woke up sick, was gonna call in, decided against it, now everything at work keeps screwing up. Shoulda just called in.
Today someone found out about my past. Another female and now sees me as make. That sucked. And then I noticed that guys tend to just want sex, we were talking about this when she was like your a man, how do you tell them something like that? Ugh... Those two things hurt my day. My little sister is getting married and I'm starting to worry if I can find someone who treat me even half as good as her man. I'm happy for her but I so envy her
Quote from: Tristan on June 10, 2013, 05:07:13 PM
Today someone found out about my past. Another female and now sees me as make. That sucked. And then I noticed that guys tend to just want sex, we were talking about this when she was like your a man, how do you tell them something like that? Ugh... Those two things hurt my day. My little sister is getting married and I'm starting to worry if I can find someone who treat me even half as good as her man. I'm happy for her but I so envy her
Ugh, what a sucky day. *Hugs*
It's ok. Every day can't be good. Or week for that matter
Quote from: Tristan on June 10, 2013, 05:07:13 PM
Today someone found out about my past. Another female and now sees me as make. That sucked. And then I noticed that guys tend to just want sex, we were talking about this when she was like your a man, how do you tell them something like that? Ugh... Those two things hurt my day. My little sister is getting married and I'm starting to worry if I can find someone who treat me even half as good as her man. I'm happy for her but I so envy her
That was messed up stuff for them to say >:(
Hugs
It's ok. I expect it sometimes from woman who feel they want out me back in my place. I just hate the comments and things like" I just knew you were to pretty to be a woman" or you fooled me. But it's ok. I will make sure I keep my head up and Dow what's right ;)
just being alive and realizing I signed a contract with my therapist that states I have to stay that way :'(
The fact that because my ride fell through I don't think I can go to Animinneapolis because I've exhausted almost every possibility. Which really bums me out. Now I can't see my friends... Or go as a boy. This was going to be one of the only times I get to be a boy..Now that doesn't get to happen either..
3 times today I've got soaking wet,twice fixing a broken shower and just spilled a glass of fruit juice on me.Oh well at least I smell nice!
Gender Identity being added to anti-discrimination laws in a local county didn't even get mentioned on local television news and isn't even front page on the web for the local paper.
I had hoped that maybe, just maybe, The head of Indiana's BMV would finally push my name change through. I was so wrong to even think that. I'm going back to bed.
Quote from: Darkie on June 10, 2013, 11:42:18 PM
The fact that because my ride fell through I don't think I can go to Animinneapolis because I've exhausted almost every possibility. Which really bums me out. Now I can't see my friends... Or go as a boy. This was going to be one of the only times I get to be a boy..Now that doesn't get to happen either..
That sucks your ride fell through. Maybe if you search on Craigslist you can find someone who is going too and catch a ride with them annd just help pay for gas. I checked out that particular convention and it looks freaking awesome, especially the formal fantasy cosplay ballroom dancing and the raves and video games.
My father made me unhappy today. I told him that I sold my Black Ops 2 for $30 and he starts asking about if I sold the old crusty cookbooks he gave me. I told him I got no hits on it and he asked me how did I run it and I was honest, I said it wasn't in perfect condition and had a few minor tears and stains and one certain recipe was cut out of the book.
That's when my father ripped me a new one talking about I'm being too honest and how I should spin the add around and that he knows how to sell better than me and that I need to get my you know what up and stop sleeping and playing video games all day to go to some estate sales and yard sales to buy things and make a profit. He couldn't even be happy I made $30. Then he starts to bring in the race thing which I'd rather not get into. He's just going on and on while a pot is burning in the kitchen and my mom is yelling at me because we both went to sleep while it was on even though I told her that I may not be awake to check on it but she's drunk so I should have expected her to not react.
I just want to meet my princess charming and just move the heck away from all of this.
Quote from: Keaira on June 10, 2013, 01:59:42 AM
*huggles tight* I miss you too hun. Stupid unbreakable glass!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi688.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fvv246%2FKeairaElisabeth%2FMisc1%2FP6030299_zpsef38b5c7.jpg&hash=5251ad1bdec916eb959fd85ebcb2d75747e0aa5d)
Had to say that this has cheered me up some
Soooo many hoops to jump through to get a certified copy of my birth certificate (for name change in WI). "Where do you live? Where have you never lived? What is your father's first pet's middle name?" GAH
My daughters 'she'd' me left, right & centre this morning. :(
Quote from: Venus-Castina on June 12, 2013, 08:46:18 AM
I got a little depressed today when I saw a beautiful young transgirl at college today. She is in her first year and started hrt at 17 so she appears very natural.
In comparison to her I felt like a freak with this masculine body, deep voice and awkward social skills. I blamed myself for looking the way I do because I was too scared to go against my family and start hrt sooner. When I look at her I just don't know if it is wise to continue this transition knowing I will never be seen as a natural gifted woman like she is.
Don't beat up on yourself just because she had a head start, just be the best you can be and get over the fact that there will always be someone younger and prettier. You don't need to compete with anyone, just be yourself.
I was talking to my sister about the situation with my father yesterday and she referred to me as his daughter. I felt like she placed a lot of ephasis on daughter because she won't accept that I'm trans.
I'm going to be driving to the Philly Trans Health conference at the same time a monster storm is set to hit our area.
Quote from: Venus-Castina on June 12, 2013, 08:46:18 AM
I got a little depressed today when I saw a beautiful young transgirl at college today. She is in her first year and started hrt at 17 so she appears very natural.
In comparison to her I felt like a freak with this masculine body, deep voice and awkward social skills. I blamed myself for looking the way I do because I was too scared to go against my family and start hrt sooner. When I look at her I just don't know if it is wise to continue this transition knowing I will never be seen as a natural gifted woman like she is.
It can be depressing. Heck there's a few women here I envy. But then I remember that, it's not a contest. And I have many attributes others would be envious of. We all have our challenges. We transition when we are ready for the biggest one, which is just simply learning to live and come off of auto pilot. For example, there is no doubt in my mind that I could have come out to my parents way back in elementary school and I would have been loved and treated as their Daughter. But I wasnt up to the challenge. I had to live a bit and make some tangible life choices to be sure that this was what I needed.
Of course some mistakes you keep paying for, lol. But I am strong. I've gone through some of the same trials as everyone here and some that, while they should be a walk in the park and have been for everyone, have been an absolute challenge to go through.
Quote from: Shantel on June 12, 2013, 09:17:45 AM
Quote from: Venus-Castina on June 12, 2013, 08:46:18 AM
I got a little depressed today when I saw a beautiful young transgirl at college today. She is in her first year and started hrt at 17 so she appears very natural.
In comparison to her I felt like a freak with this masculine body, deep voice and awkward social skills. I blamed myself for looking the way I do because I was too scared to go against my family and start hrt sooner. When I look at her I just don't know if it is wise to continue this transition knowing I will never be seen as a natural gifted woman like she is.
Don't beat up on yourself just because she had a head start, just be the best you can be and get over the fact that there will always be someone younger and prettier. You don't need to compete with anyone, just be yourself.
This.
I know it's hard to stop comparing yourself to other people. But remember you are comparing your inner self to their outer selves. Her circumstances are no reflection on yours.
Once you start measuring yourself against other people, it never ends. If you had transitioned at her age, then you might be jealous of girls even younger or hotter or whatever.
Quote from: Keaira on June 12, 2013, 09:53:53 AM
We transition when we are ready for the biggest one, which is just simply learning to live and come off of auto pilot. For example, there is no doubt in my mind that I could have come out to my parents way back in elementary school and I would have been loved and treated as their Daughter. But I wasnt up to the challenge. I had to live a bit and make some tangible life choices to be sure that this was what I needed.
Of course some mistakes you keep paying for, lol. But I am strong. I've gone through some of the same trials as everyone here and some that, while they should be a walk in the park and have been for everyone, have been an absolute challenge to go through.
Exactly. And chronological age has little to do with when someone's ready or not. There are old and young souls.
Quote from: Venus-Castina on June 12, 2013, 08:46:18 AM
I got a little depressed today when I saw a beautiful young transgirl at college today. She is in her first year and started hrt at 17 so she appears very natural.
In comparison to her I felt like a freak with this masculine body, deep voice and awkward social skills. I blamed myself for looking the way I do because I was too scared to go against my family and start hrt sooner. When I look at her I just don't know if it is wise to continue this transition knowing I will never be seen as a natural gifted woman like she is.
Don't beat yourself up over it. Even if you told your parents who knows if they would have let you transition very young. Parents often say later on that they would have but in reality they wouldn't. At least your transitioning now
Speech was more difficult than usual for me today.
Life.. The whole box and dice.. I'm over it. I'm tired. Tired of having no money. Tired of being judged because I'm trans. I'm just tired of life.
my computer has almost completely trashed itself I am going to have to reinstall windows and every single peice of software and backup I have I will probably lose a great deal of stuff and about a week of time :(
Is the cat still alive? Or does the coat have a new fur lining?
My eldest daughter verbally abused me this morning.
She suffered a minor injury at school a couple of days ago and she asked me to write her a 'sick note' for P.E. this morning so that she won't have to run around. But the problem is: I haven't come out to their school yet because my kids are mortified at the idea of people at school finding out that one of their parents is transitioning. So I'm in a bit of a Catch-22 here, because I ain't using my old name and the kids don't want me to out myself by using my correct name.
I said as much to her, asking her how am I supposed to interact with her school if she's dead-set against me interacting with her school? She flew into a rage, threatened to walk out the door, and told me our relationship would be 'over' if I ever breathed a word of this to her school. All sorts of nasty epithets & false accusations were flung my way.
Hmmm. It seems that just the simplest trigger causes her to threaten to walk out on me, because she knows it's my most sensitive area. It's very difficult for me to cope with. I get threatened with losing my children at least once a week and it's doing my head in.
Anyway, I sorted out the immediate problem by phoning her dad and getting him to call the school, excusing her from P.E. But that's not a long-term solution.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 13, 2013, 03:59:18 AM
But the problem is: I haven't come out to their school yet because my kids are mortified at the idea of people at school finding out that one of their parents is transitioning.
I know you're not asking for my advice, so totally ignore this if you don't want any. But, you are the parent, they are the kids. You are entitled to run things in a way that is convenient to you and then tell them to deal.
[/Unsolicited meddling]
I have been watching a show where the characters are often really stupid and it's frustrating. The main character just did something extremely stupid that doesn't make any sense and goes against almost everything he wants. I think I give up on this show.
Also, I want to have a nap, but I'm afraid the maintenance guy will knock on the door. There's a leak in my ceiling and he told me he would fix it sometime this week and, since he's here all day almost everyday doing renovations downstairs, he could stop by at any time. And if I don't answer the door, he'll just let himself in. I don't like that aspect of renting.
I haven't been getting my mail. AGAIN.
Quote from: suzifrommd on June 13, 2013, 08:13:11 AM
I know you're not asking for my advice, so totally ignore this if you don't want any. But, you are the parent, they are the kids. You are entitled to run things in a way that is convenient to you and then tell them to deal.
[/Unsolicited meddling]
Thanks Suzi. I wish it were that simple, but their father is the one who instigated all of this disrespect towards me so I have 3 of them ganging up against 1 of me. Oh, and then there's the in-laws as well, so make that 5 against 1. :(
Y'know, the funny thing is: the harder they all fight against my decision to transition by showing contempt for me and alienating me, the more determined I get to transition as quickly as possible. Their abusive behaviour is actually escalating the pace of events.
Quote from: Edge on June 13, 2013, 08:33:45 AM
I have been watching a show where the characters are often really stupid and it's frustrating. The main character just did something extremely stupid that doesn't make any sense and goes against almost everything he wants. I think I give up on this show.
I felt the exact same way about that M. Night Shyamalan movie - "Signs" - in which a bunch of aliens, who just happened to find water as caustic as battery acid, had the intellect & technology to build an interstellar space ship to take them to Earth (where more than 70% of the surface is covered with water)... but they couldn't develop even the most rudimentary barrier to protect them from water.
Yeah, just dump that show. It ain't worth the hassle. ;)
Just got another job rejection. Whee. This time I found out why. Some of my references whom I thought I could trust have been sabotaging me by giving out bad references.
Yeah. Go me.
Grr, broke out in different parts of my face. Hasn't happened in a while. I thought HRT was supposed to help clear skin up :(
Ironing,lots of it
lack of maid cafes in the U.S.
Lack of a goatee
Something bit my arm
Having school work to do
Quote from: JulieR on June 13, 2013, 11:19:10 PM
No offense, but WTH is a "maid cafe"?
I may be wrong about this, but I believe it to be a restaurant, diner, or cafe, in which the waitstaff cosplay as maids, housekeepers, and butlers.
Quote from: Jamie D on June 14, 2013, 03:27:28 AM
I may be wrong about this, but I believe it to be a restaurant, diner, or cafe, in which the waitstaff cosplay as maids, housekeepers, and butlers.
The USA amazes me, you can't show a female breast on TV but you have cafes with staff dressing up in demeaning costume.
Heeee Heeeee
Quote from: Cindy. on June 14, 2013, 03:45:43 AM
The USA amazes me, you can't show a female breast on TV but you have cafes with staff dressing up in demeaning costume.
Heeee Heeeee
I think it is an imported practice from Japan. Like eating raw fish.
I miss Caleb
Quote from: Shodan on June 13, 2013, 04:06:59 PM
Just got another job rejection. Whee. This time I found out why. Some of my references whom I thought I could trust have been sabotaging me by giving out bad references.
Yeah. Go me.
Don't let it get to you! I had an interview once with a female HR person who was wearing some kind of vertically striped black and white sheath, she was a perfect body double for Mr. Potato head. I suppose that it was the look of amused incredulity that shot me down. :D
Quote from: Shantel on June 14, 2013, 08:53:11 AM
Don't let it get to you! I had an interview once with a female HR person who was wearing some kind of vertically striped black and white sheath, she was a perfect body double for Mr. Potato head. I suppose that it was the look of amused incredulity that shot me down. :D
Yeah, that's one thing. It's another when you have people you thought you could trust to give you a good reference that ends up backstabbing you in the end. They're probably the reason why I didn't get the last three jobs I've applied for. At the very least this place I applied to let me see what their replies were so I would know
exactly what they said. It's going to improve my chances in the future, but, man, does it sting.
Quote from: Shodan on June 14, 2013, 09:11:04 AM
Yeah, that's one thing. It's another when you have people you thought you could trust to give you a good reference that ends up backstabbing you in the end. They're probably the reason why I didn't get the last three jobs I've applied for. At the very least this place I applied to let me see what their replies were so I would know exactly what they said. It's going to improve my chances in the future, but, man, does it sting.
I always believe that those types get theirs in the end, just leave the retribution up to the Bug Kahuna He/She does a better job of it in the long run.
The dirt bags who blew chunks all over a new set of bedding and their moron mates who smashed a toilet in the other room
Only a small thing compared to others, but I finally plucked up the courage to call the GIC to self-refer myself for evaluation, and was told that the person who manages the waiting list is on annual leave, so I have to call again after the 24th to get registered. A bit frustrating after I was so nervous about phoning them today.
Quote from: Stefani2 on June 13, 2013, 04:08:31 PM
Grr, broke out in different parts of my face. Hasn't happened in a while. I thought HRT was supposed to help clear skin up :(
It will Stephani. As the T levels drop, your skin won't be as oily. Right now, the break out could be due to the change in levels, and the stress associated with it.
Thanks, Jaime, that makes me feel better :)
What's bothering me today is, me and my little sibs were dancing to some music, and I got carried away (like I usually do) and sprained my foot XD Grr, now I am laying in bed on my phone and watching Netflix cuz I'm not supposed to move :P
Quote from: Stefani2 on June 14, 2013, 05:42:21 PM
Thanks, Jaime, that makes me feel better :)
What's bothering me today is, me and my little sibs were dancing to some music, and I got carried away (like I usually do) and sprained my foot XD Grr, now I am laying in bed on my phone and watching Netflix cuz I'm not supposed to move :P
Stephani - remember this ... RICE
Rest
Ice
Compression
Elevation
That's how you treat a sprain.
Check to all four. But it still reallyy hurts :(
If it isn't better by morning then I am going to see a doctor to see if I broke it. *sigh* This is typical Stefani...
I looked in the mirror this morning and looked about 10 years older. My pouches have gone all droopy and my face looks quite a bit more haggard compared to what it usually looks like. What stress can do.
Quote from: Cindy. on June 14, 2013, 03:45:43 AM
The USA amazes me, you can't show a female breast on TV but you have cafes with staff dressing up in demeaning costume.
Heeee Heeeee
Well, I am from the U.S and it amazes me too. Most of the folks here call the Brits prudish but Crap, we ain't got no Page 3 Girls in our newspapers. Or at least that's what I think they call them or called them Or I could be wrong.
Yeah, people in the US are just so stupid about breasts and nipples. Better not let your nipple show through your blouse or T-shirt or some moron's eyes will get big and he'll fixate on it and start to salivate. Breast feeding in a public is regarded as practically a crime by some prudes. Suppose it's a good thing that men's penis's don't grow out of their foreheads! :D ;D
I think i just twisted my ankle while playing guitar.
I got up at 6 30 so I could catch the bus on time. I got to the stop kinda early. I waited a while, finally decided to call the bus route number, only to find out the bus doesn't start running until an hour after I have to be at work. I've been late to work so many times because of this bus.
The past two days I've felt really depressed. I was already pretty sad from leaving Indiana, but, for the first week or whatever it was I just kind of went about in a haze. Now, the reality of actually being here has set in. It wasn't just the fact that I was with Keaira that made Indiana nice. It was the fact that I didn't have to carry all the baggage of my past life.
There's the trans stuff, of course, like the fact that I am still being called "she" by my family despite the fact that I don't look like a girl anymore. I've been patient, and they have come a long way, so for a while I was willing to put up with female pronouns. But now, it's getting to be a bit much. And I consider saying something, but then again, I just end up feeling like an outcast. Like the "angry transsexual", having to constantly other myself instead of being able to enjoy a situation. That didn't happen in Indiana. I was misgendered once, at the shooting range - and that might have been a slip of the tongue, actually. But everyone treated me as unquestionably male, and for the first time in my life, I felt normal. I felt like I could just go about my life without gender having to be an uncomfortable issue. And when I did have dysphoria, I had Keaira, who understands that, and who was there for me and made me feel better because she knows how it is.
But the past two days I have also been reminded of some other stuff that's gone down other than trans stuff. Thinking about how I am the only person who is excited about my Master's degree. And I'm not even that excited about it because I HATE my thesis. My brother is able to do all these exciting things like travel, because he isn't going to university. Giving him both money and time. My thesis is boring by comparison and people think I am lazy, despite the fact that I was working full time to graduate debt-free, and taking the maximum load of classes year-round. No summers off for me, I was constantly taking the full load of courses so I could push through. But no. I'm the lazy one. Or that's how they make me feel.
I'm sick of feeling constantly othered. I am sick of feeling like the one who isn't good enough. The only reason my brother being gay isn't a big issue is because I lived with being told I was going to end up an AIDS-ridden prostitute at the homeless shelter, with no future, until my family realized that being gay is not a choice and that life goes on. Now being gay is normal, being trans is not, in their eyes.
I just want to stop feeling like garbage. My brother said he could get me a job at the bank, which is guaranteed full-time...I'd hate the job, and part of me wants to not get it and find something I can be excited about, but it would be a great way to stack the cash I need until my Master's is done. And i am thinking, as soon as I defend my thesis and get my title, I am going to move somewhere else and get a job with my shiny new degree. Here, I am the trans one. I am the one who isn't doing anything worthwhile. I'm the one who got fat. No wonder i am so bloody miserable. No one can ever focus on my good qualities, or the good things i have done. It's always the bad things that people care about.
Quote from: Prof HB on June 16, 2013, 08:41:44 PM
My brother said he could get me a job at the bank, which is guaranteed full-time...I'd hate the job, and part of me wants to not get it and find something I can be excited about, but it would be a great way to stack the cash I need until my Master's is done. And i am thinking, as soon as I defend my thesis and get my title, I am going to move somewhere else and get a job with my shiny new degree.
Good plan, do it Caleb!
The only thing I wonder is, just how many of my problems are based on where I live. I worry that I'll move only to find out my problems had nothing or little to do with my location.
That said, I used to think testosterone would do nearly nothing for me emotionally. But many of my problems got vastly, vastly better when I began passing.
No-one commented on my new earrings (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,139969.msg1161772.html#msg1161772) :'(
Quote from: V M on June 16, 2013, 11:19:20 PM
No-one commented on my new earrings (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,139969.msg1161772.html#msg1161772) :'(
I didn't see. They are pretty. Better not wear them around me though, I'd sit there like a kitten batting at them. :)
Quote from: Prof HB on June 16, 2013, 08:54:42 PM
The only thing I wonder is, just how many of my problems are based on where I live. I worry that I'll move only to find out my problems had nothing or little to do with my location.
That said, I used to think testosterone would do nearly nothing for me emotionally. But many of my problems got vastly, vastly better when I began passing.
Fun, sweet, kind, very smart, intelligent, handsome with a great smile and lovely hair. Add to all that your wonderful personality. You're a really really wonderful guy. The fact that your family can't see this makes me sad and angry. I have little time and use for Thomas and my words for him are not rated PG-13.
Dont get your masters for anyone else but yourself. But, you are loved. X
The fact that bloodless glucose meters aren't something out in full force yet. Gosh I hope they are out soon.
My internet has been on the fritz for several days.
I was looking at an older thread with pictures of some guys pretransition and afterwards. I got a little sad since I'm only in the "pre" stage. I have nothing to compare to.
I'm in an odd mood and want to talk to someone, but there's no one I can trust to talk to.
Quote from: Darkie on June 16, 2013, 11:45:36 PM
I didn't see. They are pretty. Better not wear them around me though, I'd sit there like a kitten batting at them. :)
LOL... Thanks Darkie :laugh: I'll be sure to be careful around kittens
Why do scam artists know exactly what to say to hurt your feelings?
Not landing any kills with a napalm strike in Black ops and only like 1 mortar kill
Let's see:
1.My pre-amp slowly dying on me.
2.My guitar is falling apart
3.I'm sweating like a hog.
4.I seem to have a split-personality.
5.Had a terrible nosebleed this morning, thanks allergies.
6.Hurry up Hów I Met Your Mother team!
Edit: Oh, and of course my microphone no longer works correctly too.
Only getting one napalm strike kill in Black Ops with no mortar kills
Quote from: JulieR on June 18, 2013, 02:01:16 PM
My new downstairs neighbor got in my face because my cat is using her planters for a toilet. My cat has lived here 2 years, she moves in and now she's in charge? Bad idea, her planters are right below where I would sweep the rock salt off my balcony.
Hmmmm guess you'll have no recourse but to sweep! ;D
I've been grumpy because I need to be left alone in the morning, and only now have I had space to go up and get my morning dose of caffeine. :P I can't be around anyone or talk to anyone in the morning until I have had some tea and a chance to get myself together.
But, I was able to be around Keaira in the morning with no problem. She's the only one who can claim that honour. Lol.
I have to stay home Thursday from 1 to 5 to wait on the Sears people to fix our oven. -_-
I was unhappy when I was alone in the back at work, building furniture, when all of a sudden a ton of water came from under the door and flooded the entire back room. Had to move everything out of the way. But the worst part is I was wearing old shoes so the water got in them. There's nothing worse than having to continue working in wet, disgusting socks >:(
More waves of dysphoria today as I walked past some shops today with some beautiful dresses in the window. :'(
Quote from: Jenny07 on June 19, 2013, 04:46:28 AM
More waves of dysphoria today as I walked past some shops today with some beautiful dresses in the window. :'(
I hear you on that dear
Hugs
My mother trying to push the identity of "son," "Bryan," "man" on me. And now i have insomnia. Great.
Confusing school work
jerk down the street still has his stereo blasting at 3:00 am >:(
Quote from: vegie271 on June 19, 2013, 11:25:59 AM
jerk down the street still has his stereo blasting at 3:00 am >:(
Call the cops, he's disturbing the peace! 10PM is usually the limit for noise!
Jerk down the street is looking for a dentist
Quote from: big kim on June 19, 2013, 12:14:54 PM
Jerk down the street is looking for a dentist
I see what you did there!
I'm blonde,it's a computer give me a chance!
My cousin's mother gave my sister a washing machine so now that means I won't make an extra dollar here or there taking her laundry in our house so she can wash it which ultimately means my top surgery fund won't increase as fast. :(
and she grabbed two of my yummy chicken nuggets
I think it's safe to say, Earwigs go on the list of things I absolutely cannot stand being anywhere near, and which make me physically leap backwards approx. 1 foot on sight.
That said, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY EARWIGS IN MY SHOWER? D:
Quote from: ZoeM on June 19, 2013, 08:17:17 PM
I think it's safe to say, Earwigs go on the list of things I absolutely cannot stand being anywhere near, and which make me physically leap backwards approx. 1 foot on sight.
That said, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY EARWIGS IN MY SHOWER? D:
Augh!!! My shower in my old house had those little buggers running all over. Could...ugh...no. My deepest sympathies.
My garbage computer self-destructed AGAIN this is the third and LAST time I am not paying for repairs to another scam artist. This time I am just getting another computer and it won't be an HP OR a laptop this time.
Not making the same mistake again. >:(
My cat's health is in rapid decline and I think I might need to have her put down this weekend if she doesn't improve. :(
It seems hard to believe, but my 'relationship' with my cat is the second-longest relationship of my life. I got her as a kitten 18 years ago, about a month before I met Hubby. I'm really going to miss her. :'(
Quote from: vegie271 on June 20, 2013, 04:16:49 AM
My garbage computer self-destructed AGAIN this is the third and LAST time I am not paying for repairs to another scam artist. This time I am just getting another computer and it won't be an HP OR a laptop this time.
Not making the same mistake again. >:(
I would say its more an issue of the laptop being from hp, rather than the laptop being a laptop.
Id stay away from hp, acer, compaq, dell, lenovo for laptops.
Quote from: Breenyan on June 20, 2013, 04:42:30 AM
I would say its more an issue of the laptop being from hp, rather than the laptop being a laptop.
Id stay away from hp, acer, compaq, dell, lenovo for laptops.
I've always had desk tops but have been considering to get a laptop for awhile but I'm not sure what's a good one ??? Is there anything good in a decent price range? Any suggestions?
Quote from: V M on June 20, 2013, 04:51:12 AM
I've always had desk tops but have been considering to get a laptop for awhile but I'm not sure what's a good one ??? Is there anything good in a decent price range? Any suggestions?
Like Breenyan said, many of the 'top' brands aren't that reliable. I have a couple of Dells but to be perfectly honest, I'll never buy one again. The ones I've had have been utterly [insert rude word here].
The best Windows-based laptops I've ever owned have been Toshibas: every one I've had has been robust & reliable. But I'm a Mac addict, and I cannot recommend Apple products highly enough. Pricey, but generally reliable and also immune to most viruses etc.
Have you considered a different form of computing, such as an iPad? I use mine more than any other device; I only use my laptop when I have a lot of work to do.
Quote from: V M on June 20, 2013, 04:51:12 AM
I've always had desk tops but have been considering to get a laptop for awhile but I'm not sure what's a good one ??? Is there anything good in a decent price range? Any suggestions?
Had three desktop pc's bunch on me, finally got a MacBook Pro, never had any problemo's color me happy!
Quote from: Liam Erik on June 20, 2013, 09:55:32 AM
One of my favorite ewes died this morning, my Annie... my fault, I should have taken care of them myself, but I couldn't really
Sorry for your loss.
Quote from: Malachite on June 19, 2013, 07:28:49 PM
My cousin's mother gave my sister a washing machine so now that means I won't make an extra dollar here or there taking her laundry in our house so she can wash it which ultimately means my top surgery fund won't increase as fast. :(
and she grabbed two of my yummy chicken nuggets
Isn't your cousin's mother your aunt?
I can't do anything right. Everything i do always comes out wrong and/or poorly done.
This is kind of happy and unhappy at the same time. I went through a doorway quickly today and hit my boobs on the door frame. It hurt like hell and that made me unhappy that I was in pain. It made me happy that I have enough growth now for them to get in the way.
Got called "Miss" in a derogatory tone by a taxi driver.
Every week for the last few years, my teenage daughter and I have done the household grocery shopping together. This week she says she wants to sleep in. I am 90+% sure this is because I'm now presenting female fulltime.
Quote from: Shantel on June 20, 2013, 09:16:28 AM
Had three desktop pc's bunch on me, finally got a MacBook Pro, never had any problemo's color me happy!
Nice! MBP here, too. Today i installed a second SSD in the optical bay. So fast. What made me unhappy today? All those screws to install it.
Quote from: Andro(id) on June 20, 2013, 07:14:01 PM
Nice! MBP here, too. Today i installed a second SSD in the optical bay. So fast. What made me unhappy today? All those screws to install it.
Sounds like you know what you're doing at least!
Quote from: DeeperThanSwords on June 20, 2013, 02:24:06 PM
Got called "Miss" in a derogatory tone by a taxi driver.
Don't tip. And tell them why.
Caleb and his family have had to evacuate their home due to flooding.
http://www.cnn.com/2013/06/21/world/americas/canada-calgary-floods/index.html?hpt=hp_t1 (http://www.cnn.com/2013/06/21/world/americas/canada-calgary-floods/index.html?hpt=hp_t1)
Making breakfast again.
Our smokin' hot French intern is leaving today after having spent several months with us. What am I going to do for eye candy now?
Thinking about this ride along I have to do Saturday....ugh!
Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 21, 2013, 09:09:30 AM
Our smokin' hot French intern is leaving today after having spent several months with us. What am I going to do for eye candy now?
Hey I thought you were gay! :laugh:
Quote from: Liam Erik on June 21, 2013, 09:36:23 AM
thanks... I still feel awful about it. She was only four. At the very least, I've got her twin daughters, which is more than I can say about most awesome ewes who die young. She was perfection, basically. I hadn't lost a ewe in three years. I'm frustrated by the whole situation with the animals as I've been laid up after surgery - it takes days or a week to get somebody to do something basic for them, while they get thinner and thinner, and guess what, that's untenable. I still can't pitch hay myself, and every single time I went down to check their hay, they had no food whatsoever. Then I go nag somebody about it, and they say, oh... yeah... okay, in an hour or two I'll feel like it. Yesterday I had enough and put them out on grass even though it's too short.
That's pretty sad Liam, if I lived close by you can bet I'd be over there every day for you and a few lazy people would get an ear bashing!
Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on June 21, 2013, 09:24:25 AM
Hey I thought you were gay! :laugh:
Well... yeah, but he doesn't know that so I've been free to perv over him for the past few months! ;D
Quote from: Liam Erik on June 21, 2013, 09:36:23 AM
thanks... I still feel awful about it. She was only four. At the very least, I've got her twin daughters, which is more than I can say about most awesome ewes who die young. She was perfection, basically. I hadn't lost a ewe in three years. I'm frustrated by the whole situation with the animals as I've been laid up after surgery - it takes days or a week to get somebody to do something basic for them, while they get thinner and thinner, and guess what, that's untenable. I still can't pitch hay myself, and every single time I went down to check their hay, they had no food whatsoever. Then I go nag somebody about it, and they say, oh... yeah... okay, in an hour or two I'll feel like it. Yesterday I had enough and put them out on grass even though it's too short.
I hear you. I get the same problem, where other people are quick to ask me to lend a helping hand but become very scarce whenever I need something. There's only so much we can do, and you did your best.
Got caught up with a dear friend of mine. She couldnt make it to the Lobby day event because she had to be in court for her divorce hearing. And I'm not so much sad as I am furious. Her children in court said, "our dad is dead to us." This happened to my big Sister, Jannie, and I always saw the pain in her eyes from losing her children. If families have to divorce, why can't it be civil?
Quote from: Keaira on June 21, 2013, 10:43:45 AM
If families have to divorce, why can't it be civil?
Because there is always a greedy bastard lawyer who wants it to be acrimonious rather than amicable so that he/she can demonstrate before the court how painful it has been on the wife and kids in order to get a bigger settlement and more money for their client which translates to more for themselves if they take the case on a contingency basis which is usually the case.
Sister took her work break earlier than I though so I couldn't talk to her for long. :(
I had to yell at my mom to get through to her that it was not okay to dictate what my thoughts are/were. She was rejecting the true me by trying to deny what I thought to myself but never said.
Quote from: Naomi on June 21, 2013, 03:04:15 PM
I had to yell at my mom to get through to her that it was not okay to dictate what my thoughts are/were. She was rejecting the true me by trying to deny what I thought to myself but never said.
Whaaaat? Naomi wait, wait, you're saying that your mom was reading your thoughts and you had to yell at her because of it?
College
Quote from: Shantel on June 21, 2013, 05:49:42 PM
Whaaaat? Naomi wait, wait, you're saying that your mom was reading your thoughts and you had to yell at her because of it?
No XD, I was talking with her about what I thought when I was a teenager when I had thoughts about being female, and also about while I was on my study abroad to Japan this past summer. She then asserted that I never thought like that and was actively denying what I was telling her about my thoughts. I got fed up with that and actually had to yell at her and explain that denying my own personal thoughts, something which she could never possibly know, was rejecting my experience and in a way me.
Later she said she was joking, but it definitely was not okay with me.
This 12 hour ride along I have to do :/ Wouldn't be bad if I didn't have to write incident reports UGH!
Quote from: Naomi on June 21, 2013, 10:21:35 PM
No XD, I was talking with her about what I thought when I was a teenager when I had thoughts about being female, and also about while I was on my study abroad to Japan this past summer. She then asserted that I never thought like that and was actively denying what I was telling her about my thoughts. I got fed up with that and actually had to yell at her and explain that denying my own personal thoughts, something which she could never possibly know, was rejecting my experience and in a way me.
Later she said she was joking, but it definitely was not okay with me.
Oh I get you now! Yes, mom's always go into the denial mode and become openly hostile to the thought that their darling child could even conceive of such a seemingly preposterous idea. Go on with your life's plan dear, she'll eventually get over it. Moms never throw their kids away and in the end she'll have to concede that it is your life to live and she can't live it for you.
Just found out a girl I went to high school with and had classes with was murdered this morning.
Quote from: Darkie on June 22, 2013, 09:36:51 PM
Just found out a girl I went to high school with and had classes with was murdered this morning.
:icon_cry2: :icon_cry2: :icon_cry2:
{{{HUGS}}} :icon_cry2: :icon_cry2: :icon_cry2:
Quote from: V M on June 22, 2013, 09:51:29 PM
:icon_cry2: :icon_cry2: :icon_cry2: HUGS :icon_cry2: :icon_cry2: :icon_cry2:
I really wasn't that close to her, to be honest she wasn't nice to me at all back then. But two of my friends (an acquaintance and one of my good friends from back then) are taking it really hard. Consoling the old good friend is bringing back memories of my friend who died last November, which was the first time I had ever actually dealt with death of a friend. Sure, there were old ladies at my mom's church who died and we went to their funeral, but this was someone who for practically a year I sat next to ever day in college and hung out with till his mom came to pick him up. So, between the SO having a night with the boys and this, kinda sucky night.
Quote from: Darkie on June 22, 2013, 09:36:51 PM
Just found out a girl I went to high school with and had classes with was murdered this morning.
That's so sad Darkie, seems like the world is becoming a more violent place. ((Hugs))
Quote from: Shantel on June 23, 2013, 10:40:21 AM
That's so sad Darkie, seems like the world is becoming a more violent place. ((Hugs))
Thanks. I guess it happened just a few miles away from my house.
My bike was stolen for the second time this year, I don't think it's going to get recovered this time either.
My mother, though now concessions have been made, declared that if i continue being trans and continue to date my boyfriend, she will not provide transportation to move into and out of my dorm, and i am to pay for my school costs myself. Which honestly feels like both a good any bad thing since ive wanted to pay for my own education anyways though it means hard work is ahead.
I had to have my cat put down this morning. :'(
She was 18 years old, which is an excellent innings, but she's been a part of my life since 1995 so it was difficult to let her go. But it was the right thing for her, and her passing was mercifully peaceful.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 24, 2013, 10:46:46 AM
I had to have my cat put down this morning. :'(
She was 18 years old, which is an excellent innings, but she's been a part of my life since 1995 so it was difficult to let her go. But it was the right thing for her, and her passing was mercifully peaceful.
awwwwwwww. That sucks. If you need to talk, you can talk to me.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 24, 2013, 10:46:46 AM
I had to have my cat put down this morning. :'(
She was 18 years old, which is an excellent innings, but she's been a part of my life since 1995 so it was difficult to let her go. But it was the right thing for her, and her passing was mercifully peaceful.
It's sad hon, they are always like a member of your family! (hugs)
Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 24, 2013, 10:46:46 AM
I had to have my cat put down this morning. :'(
She was 18 years old, which is an excellent innings, but she's been a part of my life since 1995 so it was difficult to let her go. But it was the right thing for her, and her passing was mercifully peaceful.
Big hug! Sorry, hon, I know how they become part of you. Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 24, 2013, 10:46:46 AM
I had to have my cat put down this morning. :'(
She was 18 years old, which is an excellent innings, but she's been a part of my life since 1995 so it was difficult to let her go. But it was the right thing for her, and her passing was mercifully peaceful.
Aww I'm really sorry. Hoping that the memories bring comfort together with the thought that wherever her wee soul it it is bringing joy to others. Hugs.
Thanks for the hugs & kind words everyone. :)
I have some very good memories (and rather amusing photos) of the old dear, and I'll remember her fondly.
Quote from: JulieR on June 24, 2013, 02:44:08 PM
Do NOT pick your nose in the middle of the night when you haven't had long fingernails in 40 years.
OW. D:
XCOM ate my wonderful save game. It had so much promise, too... :(
i'm trapped in this body.
The death of someone who was my best friend.We drifted apart when I transitioned and never kept in touch,I think it would have gone badly if we met but that's something I'll never really know for sure.RIP Nigel
Quote from: JulieR on June 24, 2013, 02:44:08 PM
Do NOT pick your nose in the middle of the night when you haven't had long fingernails in 40 years.
omggggg. Lol. That's awful.
Make it pissed off.
I went to the pharmacy to get my Ts for tomorrow since it's my injection day keeping my fingers crossed at least one of the two pharmacies downtown would have the brand I've been prescribed. For some reason the stock Finnish pharmacies use have difficulties to keep solid stocks of the stuff and there's been word going around the Finnish ftm circles that the difficulties have started again.
Keeping my fingers crossed didn't help. None of the pharmacies of home city had the T brand I was looking for. Good thing I had asked the doctor to prescribe couple sets of gel just in case this happens...
But it's annoying!
It's summer so it's hot and sometimes the moisture of the air makes me sweat like a pig even if I do nothing.
And I was so happy when I was finally able to move from gel to injections and now I have to "downgrade" like this...
I just hate it.
Running into an old friend of my dad's and mine at the post office and hearing how much memory issues he is having lately. I hope he's not developing Alzheimer's.
Quote from: Renee on June 24, 2013, 06:39:06 PM
Running into an old friend of my dad's and mine at the post office and hearing how much memory issues he is having lately. I hope he's not developing Alzheimer's.
That's always a worry, not fun watching someone molder down before your eyes.
I had a migraine last night that, thankfully, wasn't bad, but did make me feel very nauseas. At the same time, my son was having his usual trouble falling asleep. When we both did finally get to sleep, I had some dreams that made me feel very uncomfortable.
When my grandma got alzheimer's and my grandpa was going deaf and senile, I was the only one of my siblings who still visited them (and it's only past tense because of the distance). My grandpa died right around Christmas. I was the last person to know and I didn't get to go to the funeral. My siblings, who didn't bother spending time with him in life, got to carry his coffin. I am worried that, when my grandma dies, I will be the last to know again, I won't be able to go the funeral, and my siblings who were too cowardly to go visit her, will get to carry her coffin which is a right I think belongs to me. Seriously, my grandma's friends call me "Vi's girl" (yes, I'm not a girl, but they don't know that) because I visited her so much (and at all).
Turned over a piece of paper on the floor and two earwigs fell out. Turned over another and two more appeared. Moved my chair and there was one under the wheel! D:
Quote from: ZoeM on June 25, 2013, 08:11:08 AM
Turned over a piece of paper on the floor and two earwigs fell out. Turned over another and two more appeared. Moved my chair and there was one under the wheel! D:
You're having a water or moisture problem somewhere in the house close by.
My GP's receptionist called me up to tell me that one of my hormone levels is way too high. It could just be because I've been stressed lately... or it could be something much more sinister. And just to add a cherry on top: it's one of the female hormones. Whoop-de-doo.
:eusa_pray: Oh Tula, Goddess of Transsexuals... please don't let this get in the way of my transition. Amen.
The entire night was full of nightmares.
My therapist, who is usually a nice person first asking me if i want to cut off my penis (it's a little early don't you think "name deleted", besides it is not that simple) and later on laughing at me because in the middle of our jam session i let out a high-pitched squeak (don't know why i let that one out, think i saw something)
The only place where one might hear me squeak is in a music store or a games store or just plain retailer.
It turned out to be a fun session, he insisted on talking about my issues with me, because the last few times i hastily changed the subject, this time, that was futile. Later on i was too nervous to talk, so we jammed. He plays guitar in a band. Funnily enough, i had a jam session at school with my "school-companion?" (is that what they call them in english). During the earlier one, i couldn't help but sneak in "In The Hall Of The Mountain King". At the later one i almost solely sang. My therapist praised my voice, but i told him it sucks. He tried to steer me into singing "Can't Help Falling In Love" at one point, where i just said "No, no, no, i'm not going to sing that low. I mean, i can, but i prefer mid-to-high range."
Quote from: CalmRage on June 25, 2013, 02:07:31 PM
My therapist, who is usually a nice person first asking me if i want to cut off my penis (it's a little early don't you think "name deleted", besides it is not that simple) and later on laughing at me because in the middle of our jam session i let out a high-pitched squeak (don't know why i let that one out, think i saw something)
Kind of an odd thing for the therapist to say! Is this a gender therapist?
Quote from: Shantel on June 25, 2013, 03:01:10 PM
Kind of an odd thing for the therapist to say! Is this a gender therapist?
Nope. He's my Asperger and trauma therapist. He's a family friend and it should be no wonder i don't really feel like talking to him about this. He used to accompany me at school and aid me with my books (some Asperger's need that). He's usually a nice person, that was a little weird. And usually he respects my feelings, he saw the way i felt when my parents split, in fact we had a frantic talk that day 5 years ago and basically i became all aggressive and loud. He was patient. I think he saw what a mess that made of me 5 years ago and i'm still coming to terms with the broken family.
My psychiatrist is a gender therapist though and i mailed her for another appointment yesterday. No openings at the moment but she's putting me on the waiting-list. :(
Quote from: CalmRage on June 25, 2013, 03:04:44 PM
Nope. He's my Asperger and trauma therapist. He's a family friend and it should be no wonder i don't really feel like talking to him about this. He used to accompany me at school and aid me with my books (some Asperger's need that). He's usually a nice person, that was a little weird. And usually he respects my feelings, he saw the way i felt when my parents split, in fact we had a frantic talk that day 5 years ago and basically i became all aggressive and loud. He was patient. I think he saw what a mess that made of me 5 years ago and i'm still coming to terms with the broken family.
My psychiatrist is a gender therapist though and i mailed her for another appointment yesterday. No openings at the moment but she's putting me on the waiting-list. :(
Oh thanks for the clarification, I'm familiar with Asperger's sounds like you're doing ok now though huh? Your therapist sounds reall kinda cool, I was wondering but now it makes sense.
I've said this before but it is something that is persistently bothering me know matter how much I try to ignore or get passed it.
I am at a stage where I am starting to feel more comfortable with my body and especially more at peace with myself. I am comfortable enough now to want the intimacy that you can only get with a partner. By intimacy I mean the cuddles, the holding hands, the kissing and deep connection you develop to them. Before I had no desire for this and I honestly just assumed I was just that kind of person who was much happier single.
The truth is I miss having someone who I can be that close to, it's the excitement as well I think of finally being able to say I'm her boyfriend. I have honestly no idea how to meet girls, especially girls who would be accepting of my situation. I keep trying to look, trying to go to new places and I've tried joining some dating websites but tbh I'm having no luck. I should be enjoying myself and my new found inner peace and instead I'm miserable because I want that special girl to share it with =\
Finally reached the 8-week point where I can take the posts out of my newly pierced ears and put something more decorative. I can still only wear posts (no hoops, danglies, etc.) for the first six months so I bought a bunch of decorative posts. First couple of days, I put them on with no problems.
Tonight, I couldn't get the back onto the post, no matter what I did. I just didn't have the dexterity to fit the point into the hole on the back while it was stuck through the ear. After almost an hour of trying and losing two backs, one down the sink and the other heaven knows where, I decided, bugger this. I asked my soon-to-be-ex-wife to help me put the original posts back in. By this time the holes were a bloody mess, so there's an infection concern.
I plan to leave them there for the next four months until I can put other types of earrings in.
I had a truly crappy day. Lol. First, I left 2.5 hours early to get to my yearly physical, but because of the floods, the buses and roads were so bad, that when I was meant to be at my appointment, I was stuck in traffic in a crowded, sweaty bus.
Then my brother is mad because his sweater got ruined, apparently it's my fault and I just gave him $40 to pay for it because I don't want to argue over it. but I need that money.
And then I got called ma'am at Walmart after I've been passing well for a while. :(
I have stomach cramps for the third night in a row, just waiting for the tablets to kick in but I thought I really wouldn't be getting cramps by this point tbh
Quote from: Shantel on June 25, 2013, 05:49:38 PM
Oh thanks for the clarification, I'm familiar with Asperger's sounds like you're doing ok now though huh? Your therapist sounds reall kinda cool, I was wondering but now it makes sense.
I'm not. This morning i thought "You've got to transition. You can't keep this up much longer." Now i'm confused and unsure again. I can't be deluding myself, can I? I really do feel that way but certain things and mannerisms are uncomfortably masculine and bring me right down. Add to that a giant sense of shame which basically goes like: "What the hell are you thinking?". Who am I?
Quote from: CalmRage on June 26, 2013, 10:21:30 AM
I'm not. This morning i thought "You've got to transition. You can't keep this up much longer." Now i'm confused and unsure again. I can't be deluding myself, can I? I really do feel that way but certain things and mannerisms are uncomfortably masculine and bring me right down. Add to that a giant sense of shame which basically goes like: "What the hell are you thinking?". Who am I?
You're hardly alone with those kinds of thoughts, we all go through that! I've been on HRT nineteen years and still have those thoughts.
Quote from: Shantel on June 26, 2013, 10:29:35 AM
You're hardly alone with those kinds of thoughts, we all go through that! I've been on HRT nineteen years and still have those thoughts.
Especially the way it was triggered. During my break at school, playing guitar and singing several tunes (including Ironic by Alanis Morissette, Sara by Bob Dylan, Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd, All Things Must Pass and My Sweet Lord by George Harrison, I Want To Tell You by the Beatles).
The thing is, my voice sounds rather boyish. It always bothered me, although i did change my entire vocal technique a month ago to regain some of my lost through puberty range. (Low to mid-range with select high-range)
Whenever i do feel a little masculine, i am afraid of never becoming a girl. I know i don't even like many girly things but i can't change the way i feel, can i? Today at one point i wished there was some sort of button to make me into a girl and remove any awkward masculine thoughts and mannerisms which make me feel awful.
Quote from: CalmRage on June 26, 2013, 10:35:58 AM
Especially the way it was triggered. During my break at school, playing guitar and singing several tunes (including Ironic by Alanis Morissette, Sara by Bob Dylan, Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd, All Things Must Pass and My Sweet Lord by George Harrison, I Want To Tell You by the Beatles).
The thing is, my voice sounds rather boyish. It always bothered me, although i did change my entire vocal technique a month ago to regain some of my lost through puberty range. (Low to mid-range with select high-range)
Whenever i do feel a little masculine, i am afraid of never becoming a girl. I know i don't even like many girly things but i can't change the way i feel, can i? Today at one point i wished there was some sort of button to make me into a girl and remove any awkward masculine thoughts and mannerisms which make me feel awful.
Once you get on feminizing HRT your brain will begin to swing away from masculine things. For instance, I used to hunt, belonged to a shooting club, have 22 firearms and loads of ammo gathering dust and cobwebs in my gun locker. I am no longer interested in such things.
Quote from: Shantel on June 26, 2013, 10:45:35 AM
Once you get on feminizing HRT your brain will begin to swing away from masculine things. For instance, I used to hunt, belonged to a shooting club, have 22 firearms and loads of ammo gathering dust and cobwebs in my gun locker. I am no longer interested in such things.
Another weird thing:
I did try one thing on two weeks ago but somehow became afraid and confused for the rest of the day. Yet the wish did not disappear.
I think the fear and almost disgust came from me seeing my disgusting body and of course the shame.
Quote from: CalmRage on June 26, 2013, 10:57:19 AM
Another weird thing:
I did try one thing on two weeks ago but somehow became afraid and confused for the rest of the day. Yet the wish did not disappear.
I think the fear and almost disgust came from me seeing my disgusting body and of course the shame.
There is nothing new under the sun, those are typical GID feelings.
Quote from: Shantel on June 26, 2013, 11:08:25 AM
There is nothing new under the sun, those are typical GID feelings.
Thanks. Weirdly enough a few years ago my disgust of my body was even more pronounced. Then i started neglecting it on purpose.
Quote from: CalmRage on June 26, 2013, 10:35:58 AM
The thing is, my voice sounds rather boyish. It always bothered me, although i did change my entire vocal technique a month ago to regain some of my lost through puberty range. (Low to mid-range with select high-range)
Whenever i do feel a little masculine, i am afraid of never becoming a girl. I know i don't even like many girly things but i can't change the way i feel, can i? Today at one point i wished there was some sort of button to make me into a girl and remove any awkward masculine thoughts and mannerisms which make me feel awful.
To me, that not only sounds like typical Gender Dysphoria, but also typical Asperger's. Those of us who are on the autism spectrum can become incredibly uncomfortable or anxious if things don't go the 'correct' way. You know you're a girl, so masculine thoughts and mannerisms feel completely alien and wrong to you. No wonder they're stressing you out.
I, too, get stressed when things are not 100% as they should be. It used to make me question my gender identity if I did anything stereotypically female, such as painting my nails or wearing fluffy socks. But you know what? Life isn't 100% as it should be. So whilst I no longer paint my nails, I
do sometimes wear fluffy socks if my feet are cold. I'm in the privacy of my own home, where those socks aren't a threat to my identity. I have every right to do these things - and more - whenever I want... because I am the boss of me, and I know who I am.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 26, 2013, 11:16:53 AM
To me, that not only sounds like typical Gender Dysphoria, but also typical Asperger's. Those of us who are on the autism spectrum can become incredibly uncomfortable or anxious if things don't go the 'correct' way. You know you're a girl, so masculine thoughts and mannerisms feel completely alien and wrong to you. No wonder they're stressing you out.
I, too, get stressed when things are not 100% as they should be. It used to make me question my gender identity if I did anything stereotypically female, such as painting my nails or wearing fluffy socks. But you know what? Life isn't 100% as it should be. So whilst I no longer paint my nails, I do sometimes wear fluffy socks if my feet are cold. I'm in the privacy of my own home, where those socks aren't a threat to my identity. I have every right to do these things - and more - whenever I want... because I am the boss of me, and I know who I am.
Ugh, once again i have no appetite. Another massive weight loss coming up?
Another thing: There are times where i do manage to feel feminine. I feel better when i feel feminine than when i feel male, but usually one look at my body kills that feeling or sometimes even one spoken word.
Ugh almost had a nervous breakdown about this earlier this day in front of my classmates. I was sitting in class, feeling extreme anxiety, all hunched over, telling an acquaintance who accompanies me to school "I think i'm about to burst into tears and screaming and you know why."
I hate when guys body shame lower surgery. It's okay to have an opinion about it....heck I do too, but some things are just not appropriate to say out in the open.
So confused. There are times or (if i'm lucky, but rare) days where i feel nothing and then suddenly! wham, deep depressive phase about my gender. Right now for once i don't freak out about my voice which is good since i'm practicing a song.
I have to be up in five hours. :icon_help:
Here's to another day full of fake smiles and extreme anxiety.
My father told me i should be a pr*stitute because i'm broke and i'm a problem to him.
Quote from: Donna Troy on June 26, 2013, 06:20:13 PM
My father told me i should be a pr*stitute because i'm broke and i'm a problem to him.
Sorry, but what a total jerk! >:(
Quote from: Donna Troy on June 26, 2013, 06:20:13 PM
My father told me i should be a pr*stitute because i'm broke and i'm a problem to him.
What a jerk! >:( I have had similar things said about me, I know how much it hurts when it comes from someone you have to trust.
This...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs22.postimg.org%2Fm9xb9qbch%2FUntitled_2.jpg&hash=45538971dea4bf6355fcae51d4edb058543e1509)
This is a post by someone in my partner's family. Since I came out, he's calmed down a bit - he used to post stuff like this a few times a day...
My partner's family has accepted me but I can't help but get so upset every time this crap pops up on my feed....
Quote from: Sara of the River Rhine on June 26, 2013, 05:21:55 PM
I have to be up in five hours. :icon_help:
Here's to another day full of fake smiles and extreme anxiety.
self-fulfilling prophecy anyone? Also, i experienced dysphoria like i never experienced it before, mixed with confusion.
Quote from: Donna Troy on June 26, 2013, 06:20:13 PM
My father told me i should be a pr*stitute because i'm broke and i'm a problem to him.
I'm so sorry honey. I'm with the others, what a douche!
Don't listen to him.
My test froze on me two questions before I was done. Now I have two unanswered questions marked as wrong. I emailed my professor and hope to hear from him soon. I'm anxious. I want him to hurry up with his response. :-\
Hate all the confusion. This one moment i am very sure and this next i am confused. Yet i am afraid of never being a girl body-wise. And somehow i am sometimes afraid of feminine things (and ashamed thinking about them) and then suddenly i want them.
If i don't get help i will off myself.
Edit:
And every day i feel like i'm playing a role, acting like nothing's up. I'm so confused and yet it is clear. Everything seems hopeless at times courtesy of Confusion Inc. My feelings are heavy enough to prevent me from writing a single sentence and to give me anxiety attacks. I know i should just relax and think about this in the quiet, but somehow i can't since i so desperately want to be female body-wise, yet have quite a few contradictions and my mind is confusing me too at times.
I guess like Frank Zappa once said "the torture never stops"
Quote from: Sara of the River Rhine on June 27, 2013, 01:49:06 PM
Hate all the confusion. This one moment i am very sure and this next i am confused. Yet i am afraid of never being a girl body-wise. And somehow i am sometimes afraid of feminine things (and ashamed thinking about them) and then suddenly i want them.
If i don't get help i will off myself.
Edit:
And every day i feel like i'm playing a role, acting like nothing's up. I'm so confused and yet it is clear. Everything seems hopeless at times courtesy of Confusion Inc. My feelings are heavy enough to prevent me from writing a single sentence and to give me anxiety attacks. I know i should just relax and think about this in the quiet, but somehow i can't since i so desperately want to be female body-wise, yet have quite a few contradictions and my mind is confusing me too at times.
I guess like Frank Zappa once said "the torture never stops"
Have you considered whether you may be perseverating about your gender issues? Not that I blame you for doing so... but as an Aspie, the more you concentrate on a particular issue, the more intense it gets until eventually you get to the point where you can't stand it. Do you have any tools you can use to break yourself out of the perseveration cycle? That could help you relax and bring your anxiety levels down, so that you can think a bit more clearly. I know you had a shaky moment with your Asperger's therapist a couple of days ago... but is there some way he can help you with your perseveration?
(For anyone unfamiliar with the autism spectrum, 'perseveration' is a type of hyper-focussing on a particular issue until it becomes all-encompassing. It's something that is quite common in people with Asperger's)
Oh, and by the way... practically every single trans* person on this planet has gone through stages where everything seems crystal clear, then everything seems confusing and frightening. It's also true that for many of us, there are a couple of things associated with our birth sex that we actually enjoy (for example, I enjoy painting my nails), which can lead to us feeling confused about whether we're doing the right thing. That's perfectly normal. In fact, it's
encouraging, because it means you're giving this the serious thought it requires.
Bad tummy :icon_blah: Throwing up and not making it to a proper receptacle in time :icon_blink: Having to clean up after said incident
The realisation that I lost the love of my life 7 weeks ago today.. I hate Fridays.
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on June 28, 2013, 07:57:43 AM
The realisation that I lost the love of my life 7 weeks ago today.. I hate Fridays.
I'm sorry Kelly, it was very sad. I would imagine that if she could speak to you that she would say that she loves you and hopes that you would move ahead with your life for her. She wouldn't want you to be so saddened that you become morose. Wishing the best in your days ahead dear!
Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 28, 2013, 03:43:02 AM
Quote from: Sara of the River Rhine on June 27, 2013, 01:49:06 PM
Hate all the confusion. This one moment i am very sure and this next i am confused. Yet i am afraid of never being a girl body-wise. And somehow i am sometimes afraid of feminine things (and ashamed thinking about them) and then suddenly i want them.
If i don't get help i will off myself.
Edit:
And every day i feel like i'm playing a role, acting like nothing's up. I'm so confused and yet it is clear. Everything seems hopeless at times courtesy of Confusion Inc. My feelings are heavy enough to prevent me from writing a single sentence and to give me anxiety attacks. I know i should just relax and think about this in the quiet, but somehow i can't since i so desperately want to be female body-wise, yet have quite a few contradictions and my mind is confusing me too at times.
I guess like Frank Zappa once said "the torture never stops"
Have you considered whether you may be perseverating about your gender issues? Not that I blame you for doing so... but as an Aspie, the more you concentrate on a particular issue, the more intense it gets until eventually you get to the point where you can't stand it. Do you have any tools you can use to break yourself out of the perseveration cycle? That could help you relax and bring your anxiety levels down, so that you can think a bit more clearly. I know you had a shaky moment with your Asperger's therapist a couple of days ago... but is there some way he can help you with your perseveration?
(For anyone unfamiliar with the autism spectrum, 'perseveration' is a type of hyper-focussing on a particular issue until it becomes all-encompassing. It's something that is quite common in people with Asperger's)
Hmm very interesting. I suppose I always have a 'perseveration' issue going on. Though I'm pretty sure I'm not on the autism spectrum at all. But interesting that I'm not the only one with this issue.
Quote from: Fitter Admin on June 28, 2013, 09:32:12 AM
Have you considered whether you may be perseverating about your gender issues? Not that I blame you for doing so... but as an Aspie, the more you concentrate on a particular issue, the more intense it gets until eventually you get to the point where you can't stand it. Do you have any tools you can use to break yourself out of the perseveration cycle? That could help you relax and bring your anxiety levels down, so that you can think a bit more clearly. I know you had a shaky moment with your Asperger's therapist a couple of days ago... but is there some way he can help you with your perseveration?
(For anyone unfamiliar with the autism spectrum, 'perseveration' is a type of hyper-focussing on a particular issue until it becomes all-encompassing. It's something that is quite common in people with Asperger's)
Hmm very interesting. I suppose I always have a 'perseveration' issue going on. Though I'm pretty sure I'm not on the autism spectrum at all. But interesting that I'm not the only one with this issue.
This one moment i want to have a feminine body i can stand looking at, this next i'm so ashamed i feel like killing myself, which i attempted today. In class. I'm often asking myself, what do i have in common with other girls? I'm not imagining this, am I?
Quote from: Sara of the River Rhine on June 28, 2013, 09:36:53 AM
Quote from: Fitter Admin on June 28, 2013, 09:32:12 AM
Have you considered whether you may be perseverating about your gender issues? Not that I blame you for doing so... but as an Aspie, the more you concentrate on a particular issue, the more intense it gets until eventually you get to the point where you can't stand it. Do you have any tools you can use to break yourself out of the perseveration cycle? That could help you relax and bring your anxiety levels down, so that you can think a bit more clearly. I know you had a shaky moment with your Asperger's therapist a couple of days ago... but is there some way he can help you with your perseveration?
(For anyone unfamiliar with the autism spectrum, 'perseveration' is a type of hyper-focussing on a particular issue until it becomes all-encompassing. It's something that is quite common in people with Asperger's)
Hmm very interesting. I suppose I always have a 'perseveration' issue going on. Though I'm pretty sure I'm not on the autism spectrum at all. But interesting that I'm not the only one with this issue.
This one moment i want to have a feminine body i can stand looking at, this next i'm so ashamed i feel like killing myself, which i attempted today. In class. I'm often asking myself, what do i have in common with other girls? I'm not imagining this, am I?
Seems pretty real to me. Where is the shame coming from - from wanting a female body? I'd say that's normal.
Not that anyone gives a s##t, but I am extremely upset because my girlfriend left me today. When I got home from work she had left me.
Anyway...yeah, that made me "unhappy today".
Idiot on Facebook wasting my time
Stupid fly in the room
My period not bleeding heavily already
Spider got away when I attempted to kill it
Quote from: Malachite on June 28, 2013, 10:45:25 PM
Idiot on Facebook wasting my time
Stupid fly in the room
My period not bleeding heavily already
Spider got away when I attempted to kill it
Oh honey, I can tell that you're not having fun! ((hugs))
Quote from: Shantel on June 28, 2013, 11:25:08 PM
Oh honey, I can tell that you're not having fun! ((hugs))
-hugs- Story of my life
But there is good news.
The fly made the mistake of getting stuck in a tight space between my old radio so I sprayed it.
Well, that's one good thing at least.
Quote from: Brooke777 on June 28, 2013, 10:30:04 PM
Not that anyone gives a s##t, but I am extremely upset because my girlfriend left me today. When I got home from work she had left me.
Anyway...yeah, that made me "unhappy today".
-hugs-
Quote from: Brooke777 on June 28, 2013, 10:30:04 PM
Not that anyone gives a s##t, but I am extremely upset because my girlfriend left me today. When I got home from work she had left me.
Anyway...yeah, that made me "unhappy today".
I'm sorry Brooke. :( Breakups are so painful.
Quote from: Brooke777 on June 28, 2013, 10:30:04 PM
Not that anyone gives a s##t, but I am extremely upset because my girlfriend left me today. When I got home from work she had left me.
Anyway...yeah, that made me "unhappy today".
That's sad hon, sorry that happened. Any chance you might mend whatever fences were damaged and get back together?
Quote from: Shantel on June 29, 2013, 08:54:57 AM
That's sad hon, sorry that happened. Any chance you might mend whatever fences were damaged and get back together?
Absolutely not! We have been talking about our plans for the weekend, and we had made plans for a date last night. I was so excited to get home so we could go on our date. Only to find that she had moved out.
On top of that, a couple of my friends had been trying to tell me that she was emotionally abusing me, but I refused to listen.
On top of all that, she claims that she attempted suicide last night, and she is blaming me because I am, in her words, a horrible person.
So...no, no chance I will ever get back together with her. Chances are I will never have any communication with her again...I hope.
Quote from: Brooke777 on June 29, 2013, 09:34:19 AM
Absolutely not! We have been talking about our plans for the weekend, and we had made plans for a date last night. I was so excited to get home so we could go on our date. Only to find that she had moved out.
On top of that, a couple of my friends had been trying to tell me that she was emotionally abusing me, but I refused to listen.
On top of all that, she claims that she attempted suicide last night, and she is blaming me because I am, in her words, a horrible person.
So...no, no chance I will ever get back together with her. Chances are I will never have any communication with her again...I hope.
Sounds like she is mentally unstable, well you don't need any abuse hon. My best to you!
My brother says "Mom said something about you yesterday, it's one of the meanest thing she's ever said." So I ask him what it was and he says "No! I'm not telling you because I don't want to get in trouble. I shouldn't have said anything." i told him I don't care because she's said worse, and he says "well, it's up there...so...I shouldn't have said anything, sorry."
And I silently freaked out at him not telling me. I guess I feel like, I want to know all the horrible things my parents say about me to my siblings, as if that will somehow keep me safer. They're not really abusive anymore, but I still feel that very strong need to be "ahead" and know what's going on because I feel like I'll be safer if I know in advance what could be used against me.
I don't know why I bother with my family at all. My grandpa is a flat out jerk, who abuses his wife. My dad is (quite literally, ever since he was a child) a pathological liar. I don't even know who my father is, what he enjoys doing, what he values, because he lies about it all, to everyone. and he doesn't care who he has to hurt or what he has to say to get his way. My mom has improved but she apparently thinks it's appropriate to talk crap about one of your children to the others. My grandma is fine, but of course she is in an abusive relationship and I am sick of seeing her get stepped on and treated like dirt. It certainly did nothing for my own self-image as a female-bodied person, i grew up believing I should be abused as well. My other grandmother is actually stable, and has tried to make steps forward in accepting my transition, but...
Why? When I was in counselling last year, the family stuff kept coming up even when I didn't mean for it to. We barely even spoke about the fact that I was raped when I was a teenager. I feel like having such a dysfunctional family screwed me up mentally and emotionally moreso than a series of rapes.
I hate that I come from this. I want to be a good husband, yet I've grown up around men who are bad husbands. I'm terrified to actually get close to someone and commit to someone, lest I let them down. I'm scared to have kids because I haven't seen any men in my life actually be good fathers. Sure, I know what NOT to do, but that's not enough. It's not enough to say to yourself, "ok, I won't hit my wife, I won't belittle her, I won't control her and emotionally blackmail her." That's the bare minimum. It's also knowing what is the good thing to do.
I've already considered moving out of the city, and maybe this is another reason to do so.
Don't worry about where you came from, worry only about how you want to be different. My mother is an undiagnosed manic depressive woman who is very capable of being emotionally abusive. My father was a physically abusive wife batterer and chronic philanderer, alcoholic.
I pity them and hope they get better. To some degree they both very much have. One very important point: I am neither one of them. I will not hit my wife and I will not accept being battered either. I am fidelity incarnate, not a philanderer. I am for the most part very emotionally stable... unless you penalize me for coming out (some already have).
Go where you feel free, but the fact you are concerned about emulating a negative legacy tells me you are more likely aware of the pitfalls - and less likely to step into them. I hope you have the joy of marriage and fatherhood in your future. We all deserve to be happy, especially when our intentions are to make another person happy - I think someday you will make someone special very happy.
Bona fortuna Prof HB!
I just got my notice from the university that my 3.5 gpa was too low to get me into the nursing program. One more year on the waitlist, one more year not doing what I feel is my calling in life. One more year of part-time working without insurance, another year wasting my talents...
Quote from: Prof HB on June 29, 2013, 07:25:54 PM
I've already considered moving out of the city, and maybe this is another reason to do so.
Read your rant, some hugs and TLC for you Caleb! One thing is always sure, familial adversity is a good teacher of something you will refuse to emulate. You can't choose your family but you can and choose your friends and the direction of your future. Time to put distance between this toxic wasteland you are simply existing in, move away and get a new life hon. Wishing you the best!
My mind constantly changing itself.
Someone who wants to be my friend keeps treating me how I definitely don't want to be treated. First, he kept flirting with me even though he's married, flirting makes me very uncomfortable (he knows this), and I have never once seen him flirt with other guys. He claims he flirts with everyone (I've never seen it), but I am still uncomfortable and have told him so. Then last time we met up, he asked if my perspective of being a guy is off because I don't really know what it's like to be a guy. He then compared it to his perspective of being something he's not.
In case anyone is wondering, I am a guy. Not only am I a guy, but I am the only guy who has any real perspective on being the guy I am.
While tuning my guitar (well, trying to) i broke a string. No more super slinky strings for me.
Quote from: Edge on June 30, 2013, 10:20:32 AM
Someone who wants to be my friend keeps treating me how I definitely don't want to be treated. First, he kept flirting with me even though he's married, flirting makes me very uncomfortable (he knows this), and I have never once seen him flirt with other guys. He claims he flirts with everyone (I've never seen it), but I am still uncomfortable and have told him so. Then last time we met up, he asked if my perspective of being a guy is off because I don't really know what it's like to be a guy. He then compared it to his perspective of being something he's not.
In case anyone is wondering, I am a guy. Not only am I a guy, but I am the only guy who has any real perspective on being the guy I am.
He's a dawg and a bad one at that, society refers to them as cads.
There was a Trans Support meeting today at the local Gay & Lesbian Center & I decided I could not go. :'( Last week someone who runs the peer support group that also runs there ran an ad fro an animal that is illegal in our state. I specifically asked Zir if they were actually selling this creature of if they were just pointing out this craigslist ad. They did not respond. So I posted the warning about the fine in our state $500 to $10,000 for possessing this animal. Zir then ended up calling me a Troll. I need need this? I merely thought I was providing knowledge. Now I have another person to avoid in the city and this person's circle of friends :(
Quote from: vegie271 on June 30, 2013, 04:30:49 PM
There was a Trans Support meeting today at the local Gay & Lesbian Center & I decided I could not go. :'( Last week someone who runs the peer support group that also runs there ran an ad fro an animal that is illegal in our state. I specifically asked Zir if they were actually selling this creature of if they were just pointing out this craigslist ad. They did not respond. So I posted the warning about the fine in our state $500 to $10,000 for possessing this animal. Zir then ended up calling me a Troll. I need need this? I merely thought I was providing knowledge. Now I have another person to avoid in the city and this person's circle of friends :(
Real sorry jerk of a person huh? Sorry you have to endure that, it shouldn't be at a support group.
Quote from: Shantel on June 30, 2013, 04:49:01 PM
Real sorry jerk of a person huh? Sorry you have to endure that, it shouldn't be at a support group.
I am down to this being my only connection now, no one else know about me, I live stealth and I am going to be moving and trying to live secretly so I am not going to have any support, there were two support groups now none. I pretty much had to unfriend several people and get out of the group.
Quote from: vegie271 on June 30, 2013, 05:05:13 PM
I am down to this being my only connection now, no one else know about me, I live stealth and I am going to be moving and trying to live secretly so I am not going to have any support, there were two support groups now none. I pretty much had to unfriend several people and get out of the group.
I'm sorry, if nothing else you do have us.
I've been home for 3 weeks and I am still in a godawful mood that I can't shake off entirely. It's not so much because I left Keaira (though missing her isn't helping)...before going there, I was re-evaluating my life as is, and then actually getting to be away from so many things gave me that final kick in the butt which made me see that I am just not happy with my circumstances.
For one, my politics have changed over the last year. For my Master's thesis I am analyzing a movement that I...partly supported when I began writing last year. But now, I've come to realize that I think the movement is full of crap and I am sick of it. But I can't write that. I have to write something well thought out, not based on emotion. I have to remain non-biased and I am going to have to dig deep to find that motivation. I take my work really seriously, and I don't want to write something that isn't fair and well done.
For another, I am sick of wasting my time and energy on problems that other people have created. Here's the most recent example. My brother wanted to tend to a sick bird in our yard, which, that's great. But he dragged in the dishes and stuff he used, which were covered in poop and feathers (the bird died), and left them on our kitchen counter and pretty darn close to our food. He also used my laundry basket to trap the bird and it has sick bird poop on it too. So...yeah that could make us pretty sick, but NO ONE gives a damn except me. So here I am, cleaning mostly to protect my own health, but also the health of my family. My parents let him get away with anything, even if it will ruin our home or put everyone's health at risk. They refuse to punish him or hold him to any standards. I'd leave the messes, but again, we'd all get sick.
I've already ranted about my grandpa being abusive to my grandma, so I'll leave that one, but I am sick of walking on eggshells around him because I love my grandma too much to cut him out of my life. He wouldn't allow her to see me if I didn't want to see him.
Really, what it comes down to is that I don't have any emotional reserves left for myself. I don't feel like, right now, I can grow as a person or pursue anything meaningful because I am always worrying about other people.
Come to think of it, I had this conversation last year, when I went to see a counsellor. -_- Most of the sessions were based on me learning how to set boundaries with other people, and learning how to say "no" without budging lol. I suppose I can make most parts of my life easier, the only thing I can't really deal with well is my grandpa because again, I would lose my grandmother.
Wrestling the insomnia monster... Again :P
Thinking about how I wish there was a Pride parade in my area.
My son is still holed up in his room. Guilt for vacuuming is rising.
My voice keeps getting worse and worse. I can't get through a single take worth keeping. Maybe "Varispeed" will help.........
Caleb I think you should just find yourself a job and move in with me, as I have offered to you many times. That way even if it is part time you will be able to afford all your bills and live elsewhere. It's better than the room mates you had last year who were 6 strange men and it is better than someone who you do not know if you will get along with them.
I am unhappy because I am looking for a new job. Mine does not give me enough hours anymore.
Six big Long Island Iced Tea's last night left me feeling sh*tty the first half of the day. I know so much better than to even go there. >:(
Quote from: Saison Marguerite on July 02, 2013, 05:50:23 PM
Caleb I think you should just find yourself a job and move in with me, as I have offered to you many times. That way even if it is part time you will be able to afford all your bills and live elsewhere. It's better than the room mates you had last year who were 6 strange men and it is better than someone who you do not know if you will get along with them.
I am unhappy because I am looking for a new job. Mine does not give me enough hours anymore.
Well, hopefully I will get a call back from the ones I have applied for. I'm probably going to be splitting up my office time 50/50 - 50% for writing cover letters and such, and the other 50% for writing my thesis. Until I find something. If I can get my thesis done then it frees up my life substantially.
I told myself I wouldn't let JGG leave the office without checking this estate tax return. It's been sitting on my desk for almost a month now, and so far, I haven't been able to succeed in getting her to chill for just a second to look over my work before I send this in. I also have a bunch of checks for her to sign. . . ah, my desk is getting so cluttered with her junk. :(
Quote from: Shantel on July 02, 2013, 05:57:56 PM
Six big Long Island Iced Tea's last night left me feeling sh*tty the first half of the day. I know so much better than to even go there. >:(
Wow girl, that's a lot! Hope you feel better. I got a little tipsy this weekend from eating 3 vodka soaked gummy worms, I'd never be able to handle that. :)
America.
I don't feel safe around the LGBT community in my city.
Quote from: Edge on July 02, 2013, 10:44:30 PM
I don't feel safe around the LGBT community in my city.
You have said so many things tonight that have resonated with me. The LGBT (haven't seen many T people, but the ones I have...) have been pretty disrespectful of me. Mostly outing me without my consent or making little jabs at my appearance.
Bloody Hell Week. I hate this reminder of my reproductive system.
Quote from: Prof HB on July 02, 2013, 10:23:41 PM
LOL. I know right.
Take me to Canada. I want to go to there.
Still no sign of the form I was supposed to receive in the mail months ago that I absolutely need. Also, still no sign of my name change certificate.
Also, for the past few days, I have been anxious to start my sewing projects. Today, now that I actually have time to, I have a complete lack of inspiration.
Quote from: androgynoid on July 03, 2013, 10:05:38 AM
Take me to Canada. I want to go to there.
OK, you can live in my closet.
I'm giving up on my clothing company. After three years paying myself below minimum wage, I just can't do it any more. What really sucks is, as ever, success looks like it might be just over the horizon, but I just can't take it any more.
So there, in the last month I've lost my marriage, both of my other poly relationships. I'm coming to terms with the fact I won't be there every day to watch my daughter grow up, and now I'm saying goodbye to a business that I've put 6 years of my life and $45,000 of my own money into.
I have now run out of money to the point that I'll be without spiro for a while and I'm going to have to give up my health insurance again.
Quote from: Rowan Rue on July 03, 2013, 05:42:30 PM
I'm giving up on my clothing company. After three years paying myself below minimum wage, I just can't do it any more. What really sucks is, as ever, success looks like it might be just over the horizon, but I just can't take it any more.
So there, in the last month I've lost my marriage, both of my other poly relationships. I'm coming to terms with the fact I won't be there every day to watch my daughter grow up, and now I'm saying goodbye to a business that I've put 6 years of my life and $45,000 of my own money into.
I have now run out of money to the point that I'll be without spiro for a while and I'm going to have to give up my health insurance again.
Big hug! I've folded up a business, too. The important thing to remember is that the company failed, not you. The only failure for you would be not taking the lessons learned with you. Hugs, Devlyn
I'm in pain (which is near constant). I am feeling lonely and unlovable. I am feeling ignored and unimportant. And I'm probably not going to be able to afford to go back to school this semester - which is the one thing that gives me confidence and makes me feel accomplished and capable. The majority of my life is in a holding pattern and I'm frustrated and sad.
Quote from: Rowan Rue on July 03, 2013, 05:42:30 PM
I'm giving up on my clothing company. After three years paying myself below minimum wage, I just can't do it any more. What really sucks is, as ever, success looks like it might be just over the horizon, but I just can't take it any more.
So there, in the last month I've lost my marriage, both of my other poly relationships. I'm coming to terms with the fact I won't be there every day to watch my daughter grow up, and now I'm saying goodbye to a business that I've put 6 years of my life and $45,000 of my own money into.
I have now run out of money to the point that I'll be without spiro for a while and I'm going to have to give up my health insurance again.
Ah that's awful Rowan :( **giant hug** Hopefully things will work out, and maybe years later another venture will await you.
Quote from: Liam Erik on July 03, 2013, 10:39:14 PM
Sorry to everybody :( depressing thread
mine is from a few days ago when DOMA fell, which was :D and my hometown newspaper covered it with a gigantic prominent 'woe is us morality is dead' tirade, which is >:( come on, you know us folks read the paper, too, right?
I'm a wee bit biased :P maybe just a smidge eh but it's still just unfathomable that people can be like that
And one of my lambs died today and I have another two sick. I'm sorry babies, I'm a failure, not you.
Something I've learnt recently about death.. You can put in all the effort and fight the good fight, but sometimes it's just a battle you can't win. I did everything I could to help my partner, Alison, but she still passed away.. Crazy thing is, I'd do it all over again..
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on July 04, 2013, 02:41:33 AM
Something I've learnt recently about death.. You can put in all the effort and fight the good fight, but sometimes it's just a battle you can't win. I did everything I could to help my partner, Alison, but she still passed away.. Crazy thing is, I'd do it all over again..
Sorry about Alison Kelly, life can be hard and there are things worse than death, I know.
My partner was unlucky to survive a horrendous accident which left her in a terrible way, which is a living hell for her, her parents and myself. I see how much she hates what happened and what we all lost. Makes me very sad just thinking about the pain it caused for years and how close I came to the black mist.
I deal with it one day at a time and some days are very hard and it has been a long time since I have known happiness.
Tears are hard to stop and are flowing now. :'(
Hugs J
Quote from: Jenny07 on July 04, 2013, 03:00:36 AM
Sorry about Alison Kelly, life can be hard and there are things worse than death, I know.
My partner was unlucky to survive a horrendous accident which left her in a terrible way, which is a living hell for her, her parents and myself. I see how much she hates what happened and what we all lost. Makes me very sad just thinking about the pain it caused for years and how close I came to the black mist.
I deal with it one day at a time and some days are very hard and it has been a long time since I have known happiness.
Tears are hard to stop and are flowing now. :'(
Hugs J
Hugs to you too, Jenny..
I might have lost Alison, but I've gained a family. I'll be giving away Alison's eldest daughter at her wedding later this month.. :)
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on July 04, 2013, 03:15:05 AM
Hugs to you too, Jenny..
I might have lost Alison, but I've gained a family. I'll be giving away Alison's eldest daughter at her wedding later this month.. :)
What happened to her (if you don't mind telling me, it's probably kind of personal)?
Casual transphobia in the pharmacy at lunchtime, when two guys thought it was ever-so hilarious that one of them needed to buy a bottle of nail polish. And of course, the staff joined in.
I almost threw up this morning, no idea why and i'm feeling sick again, weirdly enough. Like all my strength is slowly being drained from my body.
This is everything in a nutshell...
My car was totaled, and insurance won't pay for it. Me and my gf rode the bus for about a month. Then we got another car. Two weeks later, it falls apart. Then my gf sprained her ankle getting on the bus to look for a second job, so now she can't work. I don't make enough to support us as it is, much less enough to fix the car. I am so stressed about money I just want to curl up in a hole and be forgotten. Plus I won't be able to make it to my therapy appointment that I was FINALLY able to schedule to start the getting on T process. I don't know what to do.
My mum passed away last night.
Will things not stop happening for a minute?
Divorce, ending my business, becoming homeless and the death of a parent is too much for one month!!!
Quote from: Rowan Rue on July 04, 2013, 02:56:38 PM
My mum passed away last night.
Will things not stop happening for a minute?
Divorce, ending my business, becoming homeless and the death of a parent is too much for one month!!!
I'm so sorry. I originally wanted to write something that made me unhappy too, but you know what, i'll just leave it. Doesn't feel right.
Quote from: Rowan Rue on July 04, 2013, 02:56:38 PM
My mum passed away last night.
Will things not stop happening for a minute?
Divorce, ending my business, becoming homeless and the death of a parent is too much for one month!!!
Oh Rowan! :( I'm sorry. I was just thinking yesterday that I feel bad for your situation as you have so much going on, and now this. *hugs*
Edit: And yeah, seeing Calm's post, I was about to write something that made me unhappy too, but now my little problems seem pretty small in the scheme of things.
I'm so sorry for your loss Rowan.
On top of this, you have so much on your plate. I can't imagine the pain you are going though. But, as was once said in a really great song, "It won't rain all the time." I know you'll get back on your feet. You're a strong woman and someone I admire. *hugs*
Many hugs and tears for you Rowan. Hope you got my PM dear.
Quote from: Rowan Rue on July 04, 2013, 02:56:38 PM
My mum passed away last night.
Will things not stop happening for a minute?
Divorce, ending my business, becoming homeless and the death of a parent is too much for one month!!!
Giant hugs to you, Rowan. I'm so sorry for your loss. My recent loss left me devastated, I can't imagine what it would be like to lose my mum..
Quote from: Rowan Rue on July 04, 2013, 02:56:38 PM
My mum passed away last night.
Will things not stop happening for a minute?
Divorce, ending my business, becoming homeless and the death of a parent is too much for one month!!!
Rowan, you don't deserve any of this. You've been an inspiration to people here. I hope things will get better, and that you find the strength you need to ride out the storm.
Please accept my condolences for your loss.
Oh, it's also Friday again.. And again I've been awake since a little after 3AM..
It's 8 weeks today since my heart was torn apart.. Will it ever heal?
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on July 04, 2013, 04:47:50 PM
Will it ever heal?
There will always be an Alison-shaped hole in it. But as time goes on, hopefully a happier feeling about what she meant to you and about the gift of her in your life might replace some of the pain.
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on July 04, 2013, 04:47:50 PM
Oh, it's also Friday again.. And again I've been awake since a little after 3AM..
It's 8 weeks today since my heart was torn apart.. Will it ever heal?
Every time I see one of your posts about this my heart breaks a little for you, Kelly. I agree with what Suzi said. My grandpa passed away almost 7 years ago now, but my mom just cried today when she was doing yardwork, because she would have loved to work on the project with him. She doesn't have anyone else that she has that sort of relationship with. You will always love and miss her, but it's because she enriched your life so much to begin with.
it is 90 degrees in my apartment, I have taken 5 cold showers since I have gotten back from my therapist and it is only 7
It's pretty warm where I'm at also, I take a shower and start sweating again before I can dry off :P
I over ate and now my stomach hurts. :(
Sometimes I am a...(is the P word allowed here? lol) coward. The guy at the convenience store shorted me $5 in change, and I was too anxious to ask for it so. I out 5 bucks. It didn't help that I was convinced he saw me as female (probably not true, I was just dysphoric), that made my anxiety go through the roof.
I also know he makes sex jokes to my underage brother, which made me uncomfortable too.
Edit: BUT lol while I was waiting for my pizza to cook he helped some other guys. And I realized, I do talk and respond in a rather masculine fashion.
Ignorant people smoking indoors at my apt. complex :P If there is one thing that annoys me it is opening my door to get engulfed by a cloud of smoke
Why are so many people so ignorantly inconsiderate?
Unhappy that my cell phone alarm clock never rings.
I've been tripping out over some weird experiences and someone I know has judgement on me basically saying I'm not Christian enough or whatever that means. She talks about how bad her son that I hardly know is doing like he automatically is doing worse. I am starting to think that I would almost rather be a satanist than have to deal with attitudes like hers. Then I had a cab driver that I dealt with yesterday that was giving me a hard time and keep replaying some of the stuff he said over and over in my head and I'm confused and mildly traumatized. I keep thinking like I wish I had more friends or that my friends were better and wondering what is wrong with me and why can't I be like that. Other than that I had some fun times today but just tired of people that mess with me and that's all.
The sadness and the fear of my GF.
I don't know if my GF and I will stay together, because of my double gender... :embarrassed:
Quote from: V M on July 04, 2013, 11:25:48 PM
Ignorant people smoking indoors at my apt. complex :P If there is one thing that annoys me it is opening my door to get engulfed by a cloud of smoke
Why are so many people so ignorantly inconsiderate?
I'm pretty cool about most things but thoroughly dislike smoking.I hate having to empty the ashtrays on the terrace
Separated reply from quote
Quote from: Rowan Rue on July 04, 2013, 02:56:38 PM
My mum passed away last night.
Will things not stop happening for a minute?
Divorce, ending my business, becoming homeless and the death of a parent is too much for one month!!!
I am very sorry for your loss.
Rowan it will get better,my Mum died in April on her 87th birthday,please accept my condolences
Quote from: Rowan Rue on July 04, 2013, 02:56:38 PM
My mum passed away last night.
Will things not stop happening for a minute?
Divorce, ending my business, becoming homeless and the death of a parent is too much for one month!!!
So sorry for your loss; mine passed away in 1995, also at a very difficult time for me. I still think of her frequently but the pain does get less intense with time. :'(
*Hugs*
My own song put me in a depressed state.
Everything. But I'm not exactly the most stable person in the world mentally. -.-; But...I just woke up iffy then I couldn't be excited for a friend because I think she's making a mistake and then my mom instantly started to b*tch the second I came downstairs then she got mad because I went upstairs again so I could try to clear my mind. And now...I'm just rather hating life. It doesn't help that I know the only reason I'm not dead is because of my dog.
Quote from: Arawn Bheur on July 07, 2013, 02:00:31 PM
It doesn't help that I know the only reason I'm not dead is because of my dog.
*gentle hug* I know how that feels. At some really dark points in my life, the only reason I didn't do anything was because all of my clothes were dirty and I didn't want to make someone have to deal with my massive pile of laundry. As long as you have at least one thing keeping you here, that's enough for now. You'll find more reasons.
I don't know if that's helpful. If not, I'm sorry. But know I empathize with you.
Quote from: Arawn Bheur on July 07, 2013, 02:00:31 PMBut I'm not exactly the most stable person in the world mentally.
Me neither. It is currently making me unhappy.
I've been feeling constantly tired lately. I've also been getting too much sleep, but I can't seem to stop even though I know it will just make my tiredness worse.
My friend's dad is dying and he is feeling alone and miserable and there's nothing I can do.
I should be cleaning.
I literally have no one I can talk to.
Quote from: androgynoid on July 07, 2013, 02:06:55 PM
*gentle hug* I know how that feels. At some really dark points in my life, the only reason I didn't do anything was because all of my clothes were dirty and I didn't want to make someone have to deal with my massive pile of laundry. As long as you have at least one thing keeping you here, that's enough for now. You'll find more reasons.
I don't know if that's helpful. If not, I'm sorry. But know I empathize with you.
*hug* Thank you. <3 Yeah, I just have to keep on truckin'.
Quote from: Edge on July 07, 2013, 02:12:42 PM
Me neither. It is currently making me unhappy.
I've been feeling constantly tired lately. I've also been getting too much sleep, but I can't seem to stop even though I know it will just make my tiredness worse.
My friend's dad is dying and he is feeling alone and miserable and there's nothing I can do.
I should be cleaning.
I literally have no one I can talk to.
-snugs-
I'm sorry. <3 And you can always message me. I might be an emotional mess of a person, but I'll listen. <3
Quote from: Arawn Bheur on July 07, 2013, 03:01:35 PMI'm sorry. <3 And you can always message me. I might be an emotional mess of a person, but I'll listen. <3
Same to you.
Quote from: Edge on July 07, 2013, 03:30:20 PM
Same to you.
I'm a good listener as well Edge, feeling for you friend! ((hugs))
The jerk I had staying who thought it was a laugh to call me sir and when I pulled him up about it couldn't see what he had done wrong and accused me of wanting to start a fight.
Quote from: big kim on July 08, 2013, 01:21:28 AM
The jerk I had staying who thought it was a laugh to call me sir and when I pulled him up about it couldn't see what he had done wrong and accused me of wanting to start a fight.
Well.....did you punch him out? ;D
My demo sucks.
Shantel i wish i had chinned him but there were to many witnesses around.
Quote from: big kim on July 08, 2013, 09:44:03 AM
Shantel i wish i had chinned him but there were to many witnesses around.
:D ;D :laugh: I know the feeling!
Quote from: big kim on July 08, 2013, 09:44:03 AM
Shantel i wish i had chinned him but there were to many witnesses around.
Quote from: Shantel on July 08, 2013, 09:48:59 AM
:D ;D :laugh: I know the feeling!
Ladies! :icon_no:
People suck.
Quote from: Liam Erik on July 07, 2013, 09:57:17 PM
I know that one too... when I was twelve or thirteen I was assigned in class to make something with all the things I had to live for, and the one and only thing I could come up with was my duty to the little orphan lamb I was hand-raising at the time. That's a whole lot better than nothing. Here I am now, listening to her bratty great-grandchildren and wondering what they're on about at this time of night.
Aww, that's a bit sweet and it's cool that you can listen to her relatives. :)
Yeah, it's better than nothing. It just doesn't always feel like it. =/ Makes me feel like a failure at life particularly since I'm 24 and living with my parents. =/
Besides being told i'm a loser and a failure by my father on a daily basis, my mother just said to me "If you want to kill yourself, do it while i'm gone so the police don't come for me".
Oh i'm so loved and these people see no fault in themselves thinking they are god's gift to parenthood.
But, you are not going to do that. You are actually pretty strong
Someone who I thought was a friend screwed over my best friend and is taking me to a Small Claims Court for money he lent me that I don't have because I can barely afford to support myself. I'm sorry... You're taking me to a place that's going to cost you more money then I owe you to get money that doesn't appear to be anywhere near me? Idiot...
----
Edit;
Quote from: Donna Troy on July 09, 2013, 12:56:12 AM
Besides being told i'm a loser and a failure by my father on a daily basis, my mother just said to me "If you want to kill yourself, do it while i'm gone so the police don't come for me".
Oh i'm so loved and these people see no fault in themselves thinking they are god's gift to parenthood.
How can they... I don't even... What? Someone should either be going back to high school to learn some manners or get some parenting classes at least, because that's just horrible!!
I'm sorry but you're
parents are losers! D:
Complete and total losers!
Don't even start with me, dear~
You ARE loved! By us! You got that!? Us! And don't you ever forget that ;D
(Hooray for cheesy strangers)
Editx2;
IJUSTDON'TGETWHYSHESAIDTHAT!(Ok, I'm done...)
Donna, you need out of that household. That's an extremely toxic enviroment to be living in.
I've been really dysphoric for the past few days. To the point that I didnt even want to get out of bed yesterday because my dream was happier than real life. I thought this kind of crap would be a thing of the past, but apparently not. And ive been missing Caleb on top of that too. I hate being separated from my best friend by a country.
Oh yea, and to put the cherry on top, Ive spent the last couple of days fighting with my Mum through email. All over the fact that she didnt want her pictureup on facebook and couldnt ask me to take it down nicely. It made me feel like she was trying to disasociate herself from me.
When it rains, it pours....
I'm wondering if I will ever meet friends who want to talk to me. Not just "oh I'd let you know if I minded you talking to me," but actually initiating a conversation with me first. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I don't want to just not be minded. I want to be wanted. By people who are only looking for friendship and who treat me like an equal I mean. And not by people who want to project who they want me to be on me as opposed to liking the real me.
No hot water
I had to take Poopie to the PDSA for a very badly broken claw, it was the claw high up on his ankle & it was sticking out at 90 degrees, I was wearing a baggy Iron Maiden t-shirt & my chest padding wasn't very visible so the vet kept referring to me as Poopies daddy, I was so busy worrying about him it didn't dawn on me what she'd said until I left & it made me feel miserable for a while after.
Poopies all better now & he's happy as he got loads of fuss & few treats from the vet for being well behaved
A terrible migraine.
=( Why am I such a broken human being?
As usual, walking past a mirror. And waking up to no email from someone i have been waiting to respond for almost two weeks.
Dealing with intrusive thoughts about wanting to vandalize and destroy myself and sometimes doing it. Oh, I'm so lucky I live in a place that is less up in people's business than some. I hate the trees. I'm not kidding you. Because people say wake up and look at the beautiful trees and clouds. They forget about the pollution underneath the clouds and I just want to slash somebody's tires or tell someone off but I don't know how to do that the right way so I'm just going to sit here and get mocked. Escapism. Escapism.
People that treat me like I have some crisis I have to get away from and there's few ways to do it in a positive direction. They keep telling me over and over that I have a crisis and what to do, or then some people tell me I'm sane and it's so validating but where do I go? I'm so tired of the national crisis and people's heads are in the clouds. That are filled with smog.
Can anyone relate?
My camera just decided to refunction itself into face looking function, I am a technophobe - after 2 years of it working fine this thing gets all wonky - I smashed it with a hammer - $220 down the drain I despise living in modern life
Flu, making it impossible to practice my voice-
It cost me eighty bucks to get a referral to a psychiatrist to get me passed through to an endocrinologist and the bugger wont pick up his phone or return messages left to book an appointment. Really unprofessional. Its been a week now and its draining my positive energy from the hope of transitioning. No idea how long it will be before I a m in the system at this rate.
:icon_sniff:
Went to jail for a ticket from 13 years ago........................ under my old name :'( backwoods hillbilly hicks >:(
Remembering an acquaintance i knew online. She said she was in the hospital, and that's the last i heard from her :/
My voice is in an awful condition right now. I want to record the next two verses of my new song.
I have to clean my entire apartment. Again. Or still. My apartment hasn't been completely clean since I moved in and it takes less than a day for any cleaning I do to have been for nothing.
I haven't been getting my mail. AGAIN. Including such important documents as forms I need to do my taxes (which were due months ago) and my name change certificate. This is after calling Student Loans, Vital Statistics, and Canada Post several times and being told the issue would be resolved. I envy the Hulk right now.
I cannot sing along to my favorite song. It's too high.
Soon-to-be-ex-Hubby has just announced that he's booked a family holiday in a few weeks' time... but I'm not invited.
Even though we're still married and living under the same roof as a family.
I'm so furious with himI could spit bullets.